MARK: Welcome to 'Happening in Boise', the only podcast where the news is as dry as the grass in the foothills and our humor is just as likely to cause a fucking fire. I'm Mark, your guide through the composed, sarcastic wasteland of the Treasure Valley.

JOLEEN: And I'm Joleen, the upbeat cynic who's currently wondering why the hell we all live in a desert that's actively trying to smoke us out like a bunch of goddamn hams. It's Monday, July twenty-seventh, twenty-twenty-six, and if you can see across the street through the haze, you're doing better than I am.

MARK: It's nice to see that the annual 'Everything Is On Fire' season is in full swing. If you're new here, this is the part of the year where the air tastes like a campfire and your lungs feel like they've been through a paper shredder. But hey, we've got some news that isn't just about the impending heat death of the universe.

JOLEEN: Exactly. We've actually got some pretty weird shit to get into today. Before we jump into the madness, remember that you can yell at us or tell us how much you love our cynical takes at boise at the happening network dot com. Like, subscribe, and leave a comment if you've managed to avoid getting a heat stroke so far this week.

MARK: Let's start with the Ironman seven-point-three that happened over the weekend. Because nothing says 'I have too much free time and money' like swimming in Lucky Peak and then biking fifty-six miles in what can only be described as a fucking wind tunnel. It's the second year it's been back, and apparently, Mother Nature wasn't a fan of the encore.

JOLEEN: Seriously, the wind was so bad it actually altered the race. I saw some of those triathletes on Highway twenty-one, and they looked like they were pedaling backwards. Imagine training for a year just to have a rogue gust of Idaho wind blow you halfway to Mountain Home. It's a special kind of torture that people actually pay for.

MARK: It's the irony that gets me. These are supposed to be the best triathletes in the world, and they're being humbled by a breeze that usually just knocks over my patio umbrella. But they finished, and now they can all go back to wearing their spandex and telling everyone at the office about their 'journey' while the rest of us just try to walk from the car to the AC without fainting.

JOLEEN: Well, while those humans were struggling with the elements, we had a literal monster sighting in Five Mile Creek. A guy was out exploring and found a twenty-pound snapping turtle. A snapping turtle, Mark. In Boise. That's not a local. That's an invasive dickhead that doesn't belong here.

MARK: Twenty pounds of pure, prehistoric spite. Idaho Fish and Game is probably thrilled. These things are basically armored tanks with a bad attitude, and they're hell on the local ecosystem. I hope that guy didn't try to pet it. Losing a finger to a turtle in a suburban creek is a real shitty way to spend a Saturday afternoon.

JOLEEN: It's like the turtle version of those people who move here from California and immediately start complaining about the smell of manure in Kuna. Go back to where you came from, buddy. We've already got enough things in the water that shouldn't be there, like 'rock snot' and the occasional discarded Lime scooter.

MARK: Moving from invasive reptiles to actual tragedies, we've got an update on that police shooting from last Thursday. The Ada County Coroner identified the man as thirty-two-year-old Daniel Konovalov. He was shot near the intersection of Cloverdale and Overland. The manner of death was, obviously, listed as homicide.

JOLEEN: That's a busy-as-hell intersection for something like that to happen. Two officers fired their weapons, and now the Critical Incident Task Force is doing their thing. It's always a mess when these things happen right in the middle of a commercial area. People are just trying to get their groceries or a shitty burger, and suddenly it's a crime scene.

MARK: It's heavy shit, especially when you consider the tension lately. But the investigation is going to take months. In the meantime, the coroner's office is doing the paperwork while the family deals with the fallout. It's a reminder that even in a city that feels like a big town, we've still got real-world violence popping off at noon on a Thursday.

JOLEEN: On a lighter, but still legally annoying note, Boise State is dealing with a lawsuit from a former student worker. This kid claims they were ousted from a housing job because of discrimination and some public records issues. It's never a dull moment over on University Drive, is it?

MARK: Boise State and drama go together like blue turf and bad eyesight. The student claims the university didn't follow the rules and that there were some pretty sketchy reasons for their firing. It's one of those situations where nobody looks good. Either the school fucked up the paperwork, or the student is looking for a payday, or, most likely, it's a bit of both.

JOLEEN: I love how universities always talk about being a 'community' until someone files a claim, and then it's all 'we don't comment on personnel matters'. It's the classic corporate defensive crouch. Meanwhile, the school just officially appointed David Hahn as the new president. He was hired under that new state law where they only show us one finalist. Because transparency is apparently for suckers.

MARK: Yeah, that 'one finalist' rule is total bullshit. It's like a reality show where they tell you who won before the first episode airs. 'Here's your new leader, don't ask any questions, and by the way, tuition is probably going up'. It's a great way to build trust with the students and faculty who were already pissed off.

JOLEEN: But hey, the football team is trying to keep us distracted. They had their own Media Day last Wednesday. Four coaches and ten players marched out to tell reporters how 'hungry' they are and how 'focused' the locker room is. It's the same script every year, but we eat it up because we're desperate for something to cheer for.

MARK: Maddux Madsen is the name everyone's watching. He's been nominated for the Allstate AFCA Good Works Team, which is great for him, but I'm more interested in whether he can actually lead this team in the Pac-twelve. It's a weird new world for the Broncos. Being in the same conference as Oregon State and Washington State feels like we finally got invited to the cool kids' table, but we're still sitting on the edge.

JOLEEN: I just hope the 'cool kids' don't realize we're just a bunch of farm boys with a blue rug in our backyard. But seriously, the excitement is real. Albertsons Stadium was even nominated as the best college football stadium in the country. Probably because the blue turf is so distracting the opposing team can't find the fucking end zone.

MARK: Let's talk about food, because that's the only thing that brings this city together besides hating the way people drive on Eagle Road. A new restaurant called 'Tasty' just opened up on the way to McCall. It's a mix of Korean and African cuisine. That is a bold move for a roadside stop in Idaho.

JOLEEN: I'm actually into it. If I can get some jollof rice and bibimbap while I'm stuck in traffic near Smiths Ferry, that's a win. Most of those mountain stops just serve greasy burgers and fries that have been under a heat lamp since the Clinton administration. It's nice to see someone trying something that isn't just another variation of a potato.

MARK: And speaking of chains, we've got a North Idaho healthy fast food spot called 'Clean Eatz' that's planning its first Boise location. Apparently, we're all too fat and need 'healthy fast food' to save us from our own bad decisions. I'm sure it'll be a hit with the people who spend four hundred dollars a month on gym memberships they never use.

JOLEEN: Shut up, Mark. Some of us actually like not feeling like a pile of garbage after lunch. But you're right, Boise loves a new chain. People will line up for three hours for a salad just because it's from Coeur d'Alene. It's the same energy as the revolving sushi bar that's coming to Meridian. We act like we've never seen raw fish on a conveyor belt before.

MARK: The Village at Meridian is expanding too. They're adding a hundred thousand square feet for retail and restaurants. Alo Yoga, Vuori, Kendra Scott, and Flower Child are all moving in. It's basically a mecca for people who want to look like they're about to go to a yoga class but are actually just going to buy a thirty-dollar candle.

JOLEEN: It's the ultimate suburban dream. You can go get a kale bowl, buy some leggings that cost more than my car insurance, and then complain about how much the 'city' has changed. I'm just waiting for the day they put a retractable roof over the whole thing and just turn it into its own self-contained biosphere. We could all live there and never have to see a snapping turtle or breathe real air again.

MARK: Speaking of living in a bubble, let's look at the sports scene. AC Boise is absolutely killing it. They're nine-six and three on the season and they're moving up the power rankings. They've got this Spanish influence that's actually making soccer interesting in a place where most people think 'pitch' is just something you do with a baseball.

JOLEEN: Their support has been record-breaking. It's crazy to see how much this city has embraced them. It's like we were all just waiting for a reason to go stand in the sun and scream for ninety minutes. They're showing they can compete with the top teams in USL League One, and honestly, it's the most exciting thing happening in Boise sports right now.

MARK: Well, unless you're a baseball fan. The Boise Hawks are in the middle of a series with the Ogden Raptors. It hasn't been great lately. The Raptors absolutely smoked them fourteen to four on Saturday. It was one of those games where you just want to go home in the fifth inning and start drinking heavily.

JOLEEN: Ouch. Fourteen to four? That's not a game, that's a massacre. I hope they had fireworks or a beer special to keep the fans from rioting. But that's minor league baseball for you. One day you're the hero, the next day you're getting your ass kicked by a team named after a dinosaur. At least they've got Blitz the Bat Dog. Oh wait, he's retiring soon. Everything is ending, Mark.

MARK: Don't be so dramatic. We've still got puppies. Boise Fire crews had a visit from some puppies that are being trained as assistance dogs. They're going to work with first responders and veterans. It's the one piece of news this week that doesn't make me want to walk into the Boise River and stay there.

JOLEEN: Okay, that's actually adorable. Puppies and firemen is like the ultimate PR move. Who can be mad at that? It's better than the Flapjack Feed that's coming up on August thirteenth. I mean, free pancakes are cool, but it's for charity, and it's in downtown Boise, which means parking is going to be a nightmare and I'll probably end up with syrup on my favorite jeans.

MARK: You're such a bitch about breakfast, Joleen. It's for the United Way. Just eat the goddamn pancakes and be happy for five minutes. It's a community celebration. Although, knowing this city, there will probably be a protest about the environmental impact of maple syrup or some shit.

JOLEEN: Probably. 'Save the trees, don't tap the sap'. I can see the signs now. But let's get to the real horror story: the weather. We are in for a brutal week. Today it's ninety-three with smoke. Tomorrow it's ninety-four with smoke. Wednesday it's ninety-six with more fucking smoke. Do you see a pattern here?

MARK: It gets worse. Thursday we hit one hundred and one. Friday and Saturday are both one hundred and two. It's like living in a giant air fryer. And we've got an active Air Quality Alert because of the wildfire smoke. So if you were planning on going for a nice long run, maybe just don't. Stay inside, turn the AC to 'arctic', and wait for October.

JOLEEN: I'm already wearing a wet towel around my neck and drinking my weight in iced coffee. It's the only way to survive. And the smoke is no joke. My eyes feel like I've been staring at a welding torch for eight hours. If you have pets, keep them inside too. Veterinarians are warning that the heat and air quality are just as bad for them as they are for us.

MARK: At least the road construction is on schedule. ACHD says the Liberty Street project is running smoothly and should be finished by October. It's the one thing in this city that's actually happening when they said it would. Usually, a 'six-month' project in Boise takes three years and involves four different detours through neighborhoods you didn't know existed.

JOLEEN: October can't come fast enough. For the roads and the weather. But seriously, Nampa is also dealing with that two-way road conversion downtown. Businesses are struggling to adapt. It's a mess out there. If you're heading west, maybe just avoid downtown Nampa unless you really need some antique furniture or a tattoo.

MARK: Good advice. Real estate-wise, things are still weird. Costco has submitted an official application for that warehouse in Eagle. Because if there's one thing Eagle needs, it's more traffic and a place to buy five-gallon jars of mayonnaise. The residents are probably thrilled to have a giant blue box in their backyard.

JOLEEN: Oh, they're going to complain. They're going to complain so hard. 'It ruins the character of the community'. Your community's character is suburban sprawl and overpriced SUVs, Karen. A Costco is the most honest thing that's happened to Eagle in years. At least you can get a hot dog for a buck fifty while you watch the housing prices continue to outpace reality.

MARK: Well, on that cheery note, we're wrapping things up. Remember, you can catch the Boise Open volunteers working hard soon, and if you're bored this weekend, maybe try to find that snapping turtle. Just don't blame us when it bites your dick off.

JOLEEN: That's a hell of a way to end the show, Mark. But he's right. Be careful out there, stay hydrated, and try not to breathe too much of the air. We'll be back next week to tell you how much more of the city has burned down or been replaced by a revolving sushi bar.

MARK: Don't forget to like, subscribe, and comment. We need the validation because our parents certainly didn't give it to us. You can reach us at boise at the happening network dot com. See you next Monday, if we haven't melted.

JOLEEN: Bye, assholes. Stay cool.