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[Music]

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this is parenting for the everyday a

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podcast dedicated to meeting parents in

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the trenches of Parenthood we explore

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how our faith fits into our parenting

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with the help of our guests we are

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seeking practical tips on how the gospel

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can speak into our day-to-day parenting

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from the easy stuff to the hard stuff we

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want to talk about it all this is

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parenting for the every day I'm Holly D

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Andrew and I'm Becca Alvarez and today

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we are talking about

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puberty pre-teens tween like how do we

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get ready and disclaimer spoiler alert

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I'm not the guest because I feel like

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I'm living and I still don't know what

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I'm doing so you still don't have an

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expert we had to call someone else in um

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we are joined by Whitney height Meer mom

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to four um three are which are in this

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stage would you maybe almost all four I

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mean we're right in the thick of it in

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the thick yeah we're in the thick I mean

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my old some are coming out the other end

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well I don't think you ever maybe let's

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not use that verbage Feels Like H why I

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am not the expert on this podcast I've

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got my 16-year-old girl so she's like on

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the other end of it but still in it yeah

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and then 14-year-old boy he is in it

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like man voice and the whole thing um

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you know shaving the mustache all the

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things for thatd I can't their legs get

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really H we're getting ahead of

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ourselves you're getting and then um I

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do have a

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12-year-old Mr fly and then I've got my

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10-year-old who you're right on the cusp

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again we're going to keep him as 10 10

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as long as

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possible um so I'm excited I'm excited

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to talk about things that we can do to

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prepare our hearts our homes and

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everything as we kind of go into this

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awkward stage for them but also maybe a

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little bit for us it's a little awkward

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for us sometimes so let's dive into it

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let's do it so Whitney what are some of

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the biggest challenges that parents face

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during the pre-teen Years first two

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things that come to mind body odor and

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mood swings because they come in Fast

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and they're both

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pungent Pleasant yes and we're talk and

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I'm talking like body odor the kind of

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body odor that you roll down your

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windows and are gagging like and it

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comes out of nowhere one year like one

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day they're like roses and all nice and

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cuddly and smell like dirt and grass and

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the next day it's literally like compost

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and rotten leaves and I mean it's that

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bad and it comes on quick so talking to

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your 9-year-old 10-year-old about hey I

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think it's time that we think about

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deodorant is actually a really big deal

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but those two things are are happening

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because of what because in reality

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there's some big changes happening so

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boys actually you always think about

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mood swings and hormones with girls but

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nine years old boys can start really

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changing hormonally and you're going to

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start seeing mood swings that come out

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of nowhere and so just being ready for

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that as a parent is really important

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having that discernment and

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understanding of why all of a sudden

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your 9-year-old is going from 0 to 60 in

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like two seconds and understanding what

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is happening they're like really

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changing right now um and so what's that

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look like communication is going to look

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different your time is going to look a

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lot different and your understanding of

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these kids that you used to know when

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they were five and and cuddly it's

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they're they're different children right

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now so the way you communicate with them

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is so different than the way you would

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have communicated with your 5-year-old

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the way you have time with them is so

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different than the way you would have

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had time with your you know three and

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four-year-old you had a lot of time in

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the car and car seats you had them

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strapped in they weren't going anywhere

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they can't get out you had so much more

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time leisurely time with your Littles

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when they start into that 8 n 10 11 12

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year old age range your time gets more

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and more fleeting and I'm just telling

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you like I was not prepared for the

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tornado that happened when I had all of

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a sudden two teenagers and at that time

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a nine or 11 and a 9-year-old like the

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last year or two time was gone and I

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wasn't prepared for that as a mom as

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much as I thought I was um because you

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when they're little you're you're going

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all the time but you're with them and

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when they get a little bigger you're

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going all the time but you're not with

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them yeah you're dropping them off and

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all of a sudden this little kid who used

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to communicate with you um and you know

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yap yap yap yap yap is quiet is a little

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bit more subdued um gets a little bit

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more

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irritated um and just understanding how

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they communicate and understanding that

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you have to be intentional with your

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time so when you're in the car

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maybe the radio is off and you're having

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conversation and you're just asking them

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about their day ask ask ask lots of

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questions so I would think the major

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biggest challenges going back to your

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original question obviously body order

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and mood swings but those are indicators

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that the bigger things are happening

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that you're going to need to start

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taking time for

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communication time period intentional

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time and just understanding that this

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child is new they really all of a sudden

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they're saying hi Mom from upstairs it

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it happens overnight it happens I mean

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you know it happens overnight and um

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just taking that time to understand that

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so how do we prep for all of it I mean

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we can talk about the physical stuff and

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then also even like this communication

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thing like how are we preparing

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ourselves or maybe a better question is

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how are we responding as it changes so I

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you know one thing you said is being

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intentional with the time you have um I

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have found that you know when we're in

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the car I might ask a question and I get

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no answers and then you know I'm in bed

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turning the lights out and then he's

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like let me tell you about this thing

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that happened at school today like

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really and you're exhausted right now is

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the time we're going to talk about it

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perect so yeah just how do we kind of

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prepare our hearts and our minds to take

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advantage of those situations to be

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looking for them I don't know I think

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it's just being aware is the one thing

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when you start to see those changes is

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being aware that you need to be more

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intentional and the fact that he says

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okay now I want to tell you about my day

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at school and it's 10:00 at night or

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9:30 whatever time it is you say okay

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let's sit down say okay you do say okay

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no and also knowing like understanding

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your child like I have um I did just

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predisclosure I did speak with all my

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children so they do know that I'm

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speaking about them today and they're

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comfortable with it and they understand

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um but my daughter um she will tell me

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everything however

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the real stuff like deep down hard stuff

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she'll hold on to it for about two weeks

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and you can just tell in the demeanor

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that there's something more and so it's

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just understanding your kids like I know

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I'm going to have to give her some space

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and then there's going to be that moment

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when I tuck her in at night which I

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implore parents too keep tucking your

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kids in at night I mean keep them little

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keep them kids as long as possible

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because they're 18 and you're never

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going to have that chance chance to tuck

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them in again but those are those

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moments where I know like okay I need to

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give her space there's something more

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here and I'm going to give her a couple

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weeks just keep asking the questions

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every night and then one night when I

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say hey how's everything really going at

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school or how's everything really going

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with so and so then it just bubbles up

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but understanding each of your kids

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having patience whereas I have my other

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child literally a 6-hour car ride no

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joke silence all we did was listen to

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his favorite kind of music but I gave

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him free reign and I knew we needed that

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quality time 6

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hours no talking it was just listening

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to Classic Rock oh man but the cool

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thing about that is because I spent that

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quality time with him and just let him

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be I wasn't

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like pestering him with questions and

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you know digging digging digging one

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because I knew him and I God has taught

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me what kind of child and human being

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he's growing into I let be we had fun

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and now I can ask those questions when I

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have that quality time because I've

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earned as a safe space and some trust

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does that make sense oh yeah no that's

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good good and like my other one I know

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like talking about change and just

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communication

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is the other change that happens is your

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5-year-old will come up and cuddle with

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you and want those hugs and all of a

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sudden they're 12 11 13 however old they

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are and you know they they don't quite

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want those hugs anymore but when I sit

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one-on-one with him and watch a show

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he's right on top of me and so it's

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making those moments happen and letting

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go of the little first grader that used

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to like come up and run and grab your

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knees letting go of that being thankful

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for it but knowing you have something

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new to nourish and to

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cultivate man it seems like too some of

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those things especially if you're not

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necessarily prepared for for them it

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would be so easy to take it personally

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to feel like uh that you did or didn't

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do or you know and what I'm hearing you

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say is that it's all the changes going

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on inside of them and it's more

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important as the parent to not take it

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personally and to just give them the

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space and try to relearn who they are um

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which feels like it could be such a

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challenge if it's from one day to the

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next a whole different child it is yeah

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and that's why you need to give yourself

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Grace too because I total another

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disclosure I have not done this

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perfectly and I will say my daughter has

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the most amazing guinea pig um because I

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didn't always give her space I would

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pester her and until I finally realized

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she is just shutting down even more so

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let's let's rework and let's like we've

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had those conversations like Kendra what

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really works for you and sometimes she's

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very honest and lets me know and

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sometimes she doesn't but knowing that

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like you're going to mess up and it is

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going to be different from day to day

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and not taking it personally like great

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example is just this fast week my

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youngest who is my cuddle bug like all

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the time once his one of his major love

271
00:10:36,680 --> 00:10:42,240
language is definitely physical touch he

272
00:10:39,200 --> 00:10:45,160
yearns for it big loss on the football

273
00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:47,680
field afterwards he just looked at me

274
00:10:45,160 --> 00:10:50,440
and you could see the crocodile tears

275
00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:51,920
and I could tell he wanted me to hug him

276
00:10:50,440 --> 00:10:54,880
but when I went to hug him he like

277
00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:57,120
shoved me off and it was one of those

278
00:10:54,880 --> 00:10:59,000
moments where oh it hurt my mama's heart

279
00:10:57,120 --> 00:11:01,040
and you do I took it personally but then

280
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:03,519
it again this is my fourth so I've

281
00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:05,880
learned through my other ones like okay

282
00:11:03,519 --> 00:11:07,959
take a moment he's with all of his

283
00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:10,360
friends he's 10 years old now and he

284
00:11:07,959 --> 00:11:11,839
doesn't want this hug so like it was

285
00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:13,839
funny cuz he would come in for the hug

286
00:11:11,839 --> 00:11:15,360
again and then like back off and so then

287
00:11:13,839 --> 00:11:17,200
I just started like hitting his shoulder

288
00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:19,120
pads and like we just got into wrestling

289
00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:21,639
and then it kind of got into something

290
00:11:19,120 --> 00:11:23,279
else he still don't want my hug but yeah

291
00:11:21,639 --> 00:11:25,200
he still yearned for it he still is that

292
00:11:23,279 --> 00:11:27,320
little boy who wants that hug but he is

293
00:11:25,200 --> 00:11:28,600
growing up to a point where I got to be

294
00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:31,120
a man and I'm not going to cry about

295
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:32,720
this mom so don't hug me but it was so

296
00:11:31,120 --> 00:11:33,920
hard not to take a personal but it's

297
00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:36,399
just

298
00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:38,639
understanding the environment

299
00:11:36,399 --> 00:11:40,560
too I think it's also hard not to take

300
00:11:38,639 --> 00:11:42,880
those mood swings personal you know you

301
00:11:40,560 --> 00:11:45,120
talk about that as like more of like a

302
00:11:42,880 --> 00:11:47,000
um I don't know sad emotional moment but

303
00:11:45,120 --> 00:11:49,560
then you've got ones where all of a

304
00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:51,519
sudden it's like you are acting crazy

305
00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:53,320
you can't talk to anybody like this you

306
00:11:51,519 --> 00:11:56,519
know um and that kind of you know what

307
00:11:53,320 --> 00:11:59,600
set you off and who knows and so how do

308
00:11:56,519 --> 00:12:01,639
you kind of prepare or even respond in

309
00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:03,240
that moment I would imagine at least for

310
00:12:01,639 --> 00:12:05,680
me there are many times I have to go

311
00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:08,000
back and apologize cuz you know I am

312
00:12:05,680 --> 00:12:09,680
like oh I responded the same way that

313
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:11,200
you are acting I see I see what's

314
00:12:09,680 --> 00:12:12,560
happening here this is this is not good

315
00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:15,360
so kind of walk us through how do we

316
00:12:12,560 --> 00:12:16,920
prepare for mood swings or those big

317
00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:18,600
emotions and I'm so glad that you

318
00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:20,720
mentioned that it's not just for girls

319
00:12:18,600 --> 00:12:22,880
cuz I actually no one told me that and

320
00:12:20,720 --> 00:12:25,480
my oldest as a boy and so I was very

321
00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:28,040
caught off by like we that we still had

322
00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:30,800
such strong emotions and so yeah how do

323
00:12:28,040 --> 00:12:32,480
you prepare how do you walk through that

324
00:12:30,800 --> 00:12:35,040
season you throw something right back at

325
00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:37,880
them great wrote that

326
00:12:35,040 --> 00:12:39,240
down check mark yeah but no really like

327
00:12:37,880 --> 00:12:42,519
there are those moments where the anger

328
00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:44,399
is so hot and so quick that our own

329
00:12:42,519 --> 00:12:46,519
human reaction is so hot and so quick

330
00:12:44,399 --> 00:12:48,079
too and so you hit it on the head when

331
00:12:46,519 --> 00:12:50,800
you said there are times when you do

332
00:12:48,079 --> 00:12:54,040
have to go back and ask forgiveness but

333
00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:55,880
that's the key like you will mess up you

334
00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:57,959
will get angry and frustrated CU you're

335
00:12:55,880 --> 00:13:00,120
not going to understand in the moment

336
00:12:57,959 --> 00:13:03,120
where the anger and the frustration came

337
00:13:00,120 --> 00:13:06,360
from but the beauty is is going back and

338
00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:08,680
having that communication with the

339
00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:10,639
child creates an understanding and a

340
00:13:08,680 --> 00:13:12,320
safe space like those are the rhythms in

341
00:13:10,639 --> 00:13:15,839
your home that start to create safe

342
00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:19,199
spaces and understanding um so when that

343
00:13:15,839 --> 00:13:21,760
0 to 60 happens again you're like little

344
00:13:19,199 --> 00:13:23,720
off the handles let's take a moment why

345
00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:26,680
don't you go upstairs mom's going to go

346
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:28,680
outside we'll reconvene in five minutes

347
00:13:26,680 --> 00:13:30,959
yeah and but you wouldn't be able to do

348
00:13:28,680 --> 00:13:34,959
that unless you've created that that

349
00:13:30,959 --> 00:13:36,560
rhythm of safe and reliability yeah yeah

350
00:13:34,959 --> 00:13:38,160
when you mentioned too that time is

351
00:13:36,560 --> 00:13:41,079
fleeting at this point once you're

352
00:13:38,160 --> 00:13:43,079
getting to kind of 9 10 11 12 they're

353
00:13:41,079 --> 00:13:44,199
spending a lot more time at school

354
00:13:43,079 --> 00:13:45,480
they're spending a lot more time with

355
00:13:44,199 --> 00:13:48,320
coaches they're spending a lot more time

356
00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:50,040
with friends and so how do you balance

357
00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:52,519
this is a twofold question one how do

358
00:13:50,040 --> 00:13:55,360
you balance the new sought-after

359
00:13:52,519 --> 00:13:57,920
independence of pre-teens and then with

360
00:13:55,360 --> 00:14:01,440
that Independence comes peer pressure so

361
00:13:57,920 --> 00:14:04,560
how do you kind of keep track of that

362
00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:08,399
and Empower your kids to be resilient

363
00:14:04,560 --> 00:14:10,959
against that um and then I guess also

364
00:14:08,399 --> 00:14:13,279
how do you create a graceful space for

365
00:14:10,959 --> 00:14:15,560
when they mess up they mess up or when

366
00:14:13,279 --> 00:14:18,040
they're hurt right no that's a good

367
00:14:15,560 --> 00:14:20,519
question um again it comes back to those

368
00:14:18,040 --> 00:14:22,639
safe reliable rhythms in your home where

369
00:14:20,519 --> 00:14:24,839
you've created a safe space but your

370
00:14:22,639 --> 00:14:27,759
kids like let's take it back a second

371
00:14:24,839 --> 00:14:31,199
they are 9 10 11 let's go more to the 11

372
00:14:27,759 --> 00:14:33,440
12 13 they are yearning for that next

373
00:14:31,199 --> 00:14:35,959
step of Independence their minds are

374
00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:39,079
already I mean my my 14-year-old

375
00:14:35,959 --> 00:14:41,399
researches cars all the time so they are

376
00:14:39,079 --> 00:14:44,000
yearning for that Independence um they

377
00:14:41,399 --> 00:14:45,920
are yearning for you know that next cool

378
00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:48,000
pair of shoes those things that they are

379
00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:51,240
wanting to do themselves and so how do

380
00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:54,440
we create that within boundaries oh my

381
00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:57,079
goodness um that's difficult just

382
00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:59,839
because you know you you want to create

383
00:14:57,079 --> 00:15:02,000
safe space but you also want them

384
00:14:59,839 --> 00:15:03,959
a space a safe space for them to be able

385
00:15:02,000 --> 00:15:06,079
to mess up um where it doesn't create

386
00:15:03,959 --> 00:15:09,000
too many consequences how do you do that

387
00:15:06,079 --> 00:15:11,440
well that's a good question

388
00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:13,160
um one thing we've done with our kids as

389
00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:16,279
far as Independence goes is we try to

390
00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:19,320
say is yes yes as much as possible um

391
00:15:16,279 --> 00:15:21,480
and know the least amount of time but

392
00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:23,120
what does that yes mean that yes means

393
00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:25,079
that at home you are taking

394
00:15:23,120 --> 00:15:27,160
responsibility you know they have it's

395
00:15:25,079 --> 00:15:29,480
fun to create chores when they're little

396
00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:31,639
when they're older make the chores big

397
00:15:29,480 --> 00:15:33,560
you know my kids took they were they did

398
00:15:31,639 --> 00:15:36,959
all of our yard work our all summer we

399
00:15:33,560 --> 00:15:38,279
did none of it like I didn't I literally

400
00:15:36,959 --> 00:15:40,759
did shears for the first time like a

401
00:15:38,279 --> 00:15:42,880
week ago it was wonderful but because of

402
00:15:40,759 --> 00:15:44,440
that Independence or that uh

403
00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:45,880
responsibility that they had they had

404
00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:47,040
the independence to they had a set

405
00:15:45,880 --> 00:15:49,160
amount of money they could spend on

406
00:15:47,040 --> 00:15:50,759
whatever they wanted um like that new

407
00:15:49,160 --> 00:15:52,839
pair of shoes so it's creating that

408
00:15:50,759 --> 00:15:54,440
Independence but then again like you

409
00:15:52,839 --> 00:15:56,079
said The Independents they not only have

410
00:15:54,440 --> 00:15:58,279
new coaches but they have more friends

411
00:15:56,079 --> 00:15:59,600
they're around their friends more often

412
00:15:58,279 --> 00:16:00,959
um

413
00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:02,480
have the friends over at your house as

414
00:16:00,959 --> 00:16:04,839
much as you can get to know their

415
00:16:02,480 --> 00:16:07,440
friends and have those conversations

416
00:16:04,839 --> 00:16:09,680
about what type of people you want in

417
00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:11,680
your life like are these friends making

418
00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:13,399
you a better person are they helping you

419
00:16:11,680 --> 00:16:15,720
make good decisions and if they're not

420
00:16:13,399 --> 00:16:17,480
why um are you helping your friends

421
00:16:15,720 --> 00:16:19,560
making better to make good decisions

422
00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:22,399
have those conversations ask the right

423
00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:25,959
questions um but they are yearning for

424
00:16:22,399 --> 00:16:28,720
that next step so trying to say yes as

425
00:16:25,959 --> 00:16:31,440
much as possible is so important um but

426
00:16:28,720 --> 00:16:35,240
with within boundaries and don't be

427
00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:37,120
stupid I mean social media technology

428
00:16:35,240 --> 00:16:40,680
like there is time for that and there's

429
00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:43,000
time to say no um also goes back to your

430
00:16:40,680 --> 00:16:44,639
child like know your child um my

431
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:47,480
daughter is 16 years old she got her

432
00:16:44,639 --> 00:16:49,480
first phone when she was 15 um so we're

433
00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:52,040
slowly getting into that I'm not saying

434
00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:53,959
that's the answer for every parent or

435
00:16:52,040 --> 00:16:55,560
every child the situations are different

436
00:16:53,959 --> 00:16:59,319
it just worked out really well for our

437
00:16:55,560 --> 00:17:01,079
family um to do that and like she just

438
00:16:59,319 --> 00:17:04,919
has her first social media which is be

439
00:17:01,079 --> 00:17:08,240
real it's very for the most part safe

440
00:17:04,919 --> 00:17:10,400
but just be aware like my kids know that

441
00:17:08,240 --> 00:17:12,760
if they have any type of device I'm

442
00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:14,280
checking it like it's I'm not hiding it

443
00:17:12,760 --> 00:17:15,679
from them like I literally told my

444
00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:17,039
daughter yesterday like hey I checked

445
00:17:15,679 --> 00:17:19,199
your text just want let you know is

446
00:17:17,039 --> 00:17:20,919
there anything that you know we want to

447
00:17:19,199 --> 00:17:23,520
talk about not that she had anything to

448
00:17:20,919 --> 00:17:26,000
talk about but just be transparent like

449
00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:27,400
let them know you're there um let them

450
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:30,440
know you are checking up on them but

451
00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:33,400
it's still there and it's still their

452
00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:36,039
independence um yeah but don't be stupid

453
00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:38,120
like there are great things to do as a

454
00:17:36,039 --> 00:17:40,720
parent you know there's great technology

455
00:17:38,120 --> 00:17:43,000
but in the room at

456
00:17:40,720 --> 00:17:45,200
night there's things that you just need

457
00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:47,520
to have really good boundaries on that

458
00:17:45,200 --> 00:17:49,640
um you know sometimes we get lacks on

459
00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:53,120
because we're

460
00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:55,000
tired so how as we're having all these

461
00:17:53,120 --> 00:17:58,000
conversations and emotional changes and

462
00:17:55,000 --> 00:18:01,120
physical changes and new Independence

463
00:17:58,000 --> 00:18:02,880
how do we keep pointing them to Jesus as

464
00:18:01,120 --> 00:18:05,240
they are really these are fored years

465
00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:07,240
for their identity and it's kind of um

466
00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:09,799
the first time it's being questioned and

467
00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:11,600
so how do we capitalize on the time we

468
00:18:09,799 --> 00:18:13,600
have with them to point them to Jesus

469
00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:15,640
like what are what are some ways that we

470
00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:17,080
can be intentional with that I would say

471
00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:19,320
the first thing is what are you doing as

472
00:18:17,080 --> 00:18:21,039
a parent like what are you modeling in

473
00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:23,440
the home with your own time with the

474
00:18:21,039 --> 00:18:25,480
Lord like what are they seeing you doing

475
00:18:23,440 --> 00:18:26,960
I remember one of the best advice um

476
00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:29,919
pieces of advice I got when my kids were

477
00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:32,400
little was have your Bible open on the

478
00:18:29,919 --> 00:18:34,640
table and they know when mommy's Bible's

479
00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:37,120
open that that's 5 minutes that they

480
00:18:34,640 --> 00:18:38,720
can't interrupt um and if they do okay

481
00:18:37,120 --> 00:18:41,480
but they know like that's important to

482
00:18:38,720 --> 00:18:43,600
Mom and that needs to continue so what

483
00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:45,360
are like if you're doing quiet time

484
00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:48,039
every morning at 5: in the morning and

485
00:18:45,360 --> 00:18:49,520
they're not up maybe try doing it at 700

486
00:18:48,039 --> 00:18:51,280
for those first five minutes they're up

487
00:18:49,520 --> 00:18:53,360
so they see you in the word like what

488
00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:55,799
are you doing how are you modeling Jesus

489
00:18:53,360 --> 00:18:58,440
in their lives and regarding pointing

490
00:18:55,799 --> 00:19:00,559
them back to the to the word um he's in

491
00:18:58,440 --> 00:19:04,440
all your conversations you know

492
00:19:00,559 --> 00:19:08,240
literally talking about puberty with my

493
00:19:04,440 --> 00:19:12,840
son and the way a man's body works and

494
00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:15,760
the way God created it to um make life

495
00:19:12,840 --> 00:19:17,720
and how their thoughts are important and

496
00:19:15,760 --> 00:19:20,240
how that re makes certain areas of their

497
00:19:17,720 --> 00:19:22,240
body react certain ways like making that

498
00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:24,679
like it was out of his mouth my son's

499
00:19:22,240 --> 00:19:26,840
mouth said oh my gosh it's really cool

500
00:19:24,679 --> 00:19:29,840
that God created me that way that

501
00:19:26,840 --> 00:19:32,320
depends on what I see and what I take in

502
00:19:29,840 --> 00:19:34,799
I I'll I'll feel certain ways so making

503
00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:37,280
him a part of the that conversation is

504
00:19:34,799 --> 00:19:39,679
really really important but I say more

505
00:19:37,280 --> 00:19:41,280
than anything you know you can tell your

506
00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:43,679
kids to journal you can tell them to

507
00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:46,120
read their Bibles but more than anything

508
00:19:43,679 --> 00:19:48,600
they need to see the parents modeling it

509
00:19:46,120 --> 00:19:50,400
um that's really how you point them back

510
00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:52,480
to

511
00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:54,320
Jesus you kind of just brought this up

512
00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:56,720
but how do you have those conversations

513
00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:59,640
those topics about puberty about

514
00:19:56,720 --> 00:20:02,240
relationships about all of that how you

515
00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:05,000
begin that groundwork in conversation

516
00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:06,840
with your kids oh so two things just one

517
00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:10,799
happened two nights ago we're literally

518
00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:12,480
washing dishes and um my one son and I

519
00:20:10,799 --> 00:20:14,320
were talking about a show that he's

520
00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:17,120
watching on his own this is one

521
00:20:14,320 --> 00:20:19,480
something he's doing on his own um so

522
00:20:17,120 --> 00:20:21,520
that is an independent thing um because

523
00:20:19,480 --> 00:20:22,559
usually you know only with mom or dad or

524
00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:23,880
but this is something he's watching on

525
00:20:22,559 --> 00:20:25,640
his own his own time if he gets his

526
00:20:23,880 --> 00:20:27,919
homework done he's taking responsibility

527
00:20:25,640 --> 00:20:30,240
and something that he can do um and we

528
00:20:27,919 --> 00:20:31,400
were talking about like are there times

529
00:20:30,240 --> 00:20:32,919
in the show where you have to bounce

530
00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:35,600
your eyes or are there things that you

531
00:20:32,919 --> 00:20:37,919
have to watch for and they we literally

532
00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:40,559
like washing dishes and our whole

533
00:20:37,919 --> 00:20:42,360
conversation was about how as a boy you

534
00:20:40,559 --> 00:20:44,880
have you struggle with having to bounce

535
00:20:42,360 --> 00:20:47,960
your eyes and he was thankful that this

536
00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:51,400
show was none of that and how it's so

537
00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:52,679
often not the case and so so often he

538
00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:54,799
doesn't get to watch a lot of shows

539
00:20:52,679 --> 00:20:57,799
because that's not often the case um so

540
00:20:54,799 --> 00:21:00,039
having those conversations um but also

541
00:20:57,799 --> 00:21:01,480
the relationship shs that's the thing

542
00:21:00,039 --> 00:21:03,120
like you have those little crushes like

543
00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:05,720
when they're in kindergarten or first

544
00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:07,919
grade and then all of a sudden like 9 10

545
00:21:05,720 --> 00:21:10,760
11 12

546
00:21:07,919 --> 00:21:13,840
16 things get like the feelings get

547
00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:16,679
bigger the feelings get so much bigger

548
00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:19,320
and there was one time specifically

549
00:21:16,679 --> 00:21:21,799
where he one of my sons sat across from

550
00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:24,440
me at the dinner table again taking the

551
00:21:21,799 --> 00:21:27,000
time being intentional about time and

552
00:21:24,440 --> 00:21:28,880
realizing this is a moment I'm going to

553
00:21:27,000 --> 00:21:32,120
sit I'm not going to get up and clean

554
00:21:28,880 --> 00:21:34,360
after dinner and he sat there with I

555
00:21:32,120 --> 00:21:37,640
mean we're talking like bucket size

556
00:21:34,360 --> 00:21:41,080
crocodile tears and shared how his best

557
00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:43,640
friend liked the girl he liked and she

558
00:21:41,080 --> 00:21:48,360
liked him back and she told them all at

559
00:21:43,640 --> 00:21:50,919
recess and how badly it hurt him and I

560
00:21:48,360 --> 00:21:54,120
think one thing to do that's so

561
00:21:50,919 --> 00:21:56,400
important as a parent is to just listen

562
00:21:54,120 --> 00:21:59,320
and so often especially with that and

563
00:21:56,400 --> 00:22:01,039
even even with like puberty and stuff

564
00:21:59,320 --> 00:22:02,960
like things they struggle with in their

565
00:22:01,039 --> 00:22:04,480
thoughts you just want to fix it you

566
00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:07,400
want to fix it and be like oh that's

567
00:22:04,480 --> 00:22:09,039
just you know normal and usually it is

568
00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:11,440
but you just want to fix things but

569
00:22:09,039 --> 00:22:12,919
often times they just need to talk and

570
00:22:11,440 --> 00:22:14,960
so just sitting there and listening and

571
00:22:12,919 --> 00:22:17,880
hearing him just pour out his heart and

572
00:22:14,960 --> 00:22:20,480
I'm thinking oh I I'm dying inside as a

573
00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:22,320
mom like he was so heartbroken but then

574
00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:24,640
like asking him so not only listening

575
00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:27,400
but then asking him how it made him feel

576
00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:29,200
like asking my daughter like you know

577
00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:31,400
whatever it you know whatever ever crush

578
00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:34,080
or friend she has going on relationship

579
00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:36,120
wise like how are they making you feel

580
00:22:34,080 --> 00:22:38,880
um you know what do you think your

581
00:22:36,120 --> 00:22:41,039
motive is and pursuing them asking those

582
00:22:38,880 --> 00:22:43,360
kind of questions and understanding like

583
00:22:41,039 --> 00:22:45,559
where the hurt comes from is so helpful

584
00:22:43,360 --> 00:22:47,080
so I would say taking the time to listen

585
00:22:45,559 --> 00:22:51,000
and taking the time to ask good

586
00:22:47,080 --> 00:22:52,520
questions and not trying to fix it um I

587
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:55,200
think that's really

588
00:22:52,520 --> 00:22:56,960
important yeah it is so important and I

589
00:22:55,200 --> 00:23:00,400
always have to remind myself because my

590
00:22:56,960 --> 00:23:02,679
my nature is to to fix it or to oh my

591
00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:04,919
goodness you know to want to solve the

592
00:23:02,679 --> 00:23:06,360
problem and that you're going to lose

593
00:23:04,919 --> 00:23:07,919
the space cuz all of a sudden that's not

594
00:23:06,360 --> 00:23:09,679
a safe space anymore because they're not

595
00:23:07,919 --> 00:23:11,720
looking for that so I think that's super

596
00:23:09,679 --> 00:23:15,080
good wisdom

597
00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:16,960
um do you have any like other like

598
00:23:15,080 --> 00:23:19,000
resources or tips and tricks I know the

599
00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:20,600
other night we were texting about like

600
00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:22,080
vid Angel and different things like do

601
00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:24,919
you have any of those other practical

602
00:23:22,080 --> 00:23:27,960
things that can help prepare us um for

603
00:23:24,919 --> 00:23:30,000
that dance with Independence and still

604
00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:33,000
being a kid that doing cuz you want to

605
00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:34,559
keep them young as much as possible um

606
00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:36,240
but again like I said they're ready for

607
00:23:34,559 --> 00:23:37,919
that next stage and as a parent it's

608
00:23:36,240 --> 00:23:40,279
kind of fun like oh we can you know

609
00:23:37,919 --> 00:23:42,640
watch Ghostbusters together but oh

610
00:23:40,279 --> 00:23:47,000
Ghostbusters little bit a little bit

611
00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:49,320
more uh can I say the word sexy it it is

612
00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:50,919
this is so this is what happen sex

613
00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:53,600
thought I wanted to watch Ghostbusters

614
00:23:50,919 --> 00:23:55,200
and so I had Whitney had said like a

615
00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:57,279
while ago she had told me about this

616
00:23:55,200 --> 00:23:58,760
program and so I was like okay I looked

617
00:23:57,279 --> 00:24:00,240
up the reviews and it was like too much

618
00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:02,720
stuff in Ghostbusters that I was like I

619
00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:06,400
am not comfortable with all of this it's

620
00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:08,200
actually really sexy it is um and so

621
00:24:06,400 --> 00:24:12,000
yeah tell like yeah tell them yeah like

622
00:24:08,200 --> 00:24:13,880
vid Angel is a subscription um we got on

623
00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:17,000
to it probably like five or six years

624
00:24:13,880 --> 00:24:19,320
ago and basically you can almost not all

625
00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:21,080
movies and shows are on it but quite a

626
00:24:19,320 --> 00:24:22,039
few are and you can also request if

627
00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:26,679
there's something you really want to

628
00:24:22,039 --> 00:24:28,919
watch um and it it can screen or um

629
00:24:26,679 --> 00:24:30,880
filter out things that you don't want

630
00:24:28,919 --> 00:24:32,840
your kids to be seeing like literally

631
00:24:30,880 --> 00:24:35,960
and I hope this is okay to share but the

632
00:24:32,840 --> 00:24:38,320
first Top Gun like we are my husband and

633
00:24:35,960 --> 00:24:40,720
I are Top Gun nerds like I could quote

634
00:24:38,320 --> 00:24:42,440
the entire first movie absolutely love

635
00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:44,679
it and we were so excited to watch it

636
00:24:42,440 --> 00:24:47,399
with our kids this is right before top

637
00:24:44,679 --> 00:24:50,120
gun Maverick came out and I'm like oh we

638
00:24:47,399 --> 00:24:51,640
cannot watch that with our children but

639
00:24:50,120 --> 00:24:53,919
through vid Angel we could watch the

640
00:24:51,640 --> 00:24:55,760
entire movie and the one scene that we

641
00:24:53,919 --> 00:24:57,320
needed taken out they like literally

642
00:24:55,760 --> 00:24:59,159
take the entire scene out so it doesn't

643
00:24:57,320 --> 00:25:01,399
even seem like it was ever there and it

644
00:24:59,159 --> 00:25:02,880
didn't affect the storyline much at all

645
00:25:01,399 --> 00:25:05,080
you can take language out so that was a

646
00:25:02,880 --> 00:25:07,279
way for us to experience something older

647
00:25:05,080 --> 00:25:09,480
with our kids um give them a little bit

648
00:25:07,279 --> 00:25:11,080
more Independence in something you know

649
00:25:09,480 --> 00:25:13,000
their friends may be watching or culture

650
00:25:11,080 --> 00:25:14,840
may be watching and then be able to

651
00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:16,640
enjoy which tofun Maverick is a great

652
00:25:14,840 --> 00:25:17,960
movie through and through well and I

653
00:25:16,640 --> 00:25:19,440
liked it cuz like you said it's not that

654
00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:21,919
awkward like oh where's Thermo let me

655
00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:23,279
fast forward it's really like oh it's

656
00:25:21,919 --> 00:25:25,640
like you don't even know that was in

657
00:25:23,279 --> 00:25:26,840
there and the story is still the same

658
00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:28,399
story is still the same I thought that

659
00:25:26,840 --> 00:25:29,279
was cool and we used to have when when

660
00:25:28,399 --> 00:25:31,320
the kids were little we used to have

661
00:25:29,279 --> 00:25:33,000
code words um because remember that

662
00:25:31,320 --> 00:25:36,320
little song be careful little eyes what

663
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:38,559
you see like that's real and that

664
00:25:36,320 --> 00:25:41,480
continues I mean now my husband and I I

665
00:25:38,559 --> 00:25:43,679
mean what we're been married 20 years we

666
00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:45,960
still have to watch and be careful with

667
00:25:43,679 --> 00:25:48,039
our little I see and so don't take that

668
00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:49,600
for granted either all of a sudden oh

669
00:25:48,039 --> 00:25:51,720
you know they see it all everywhere no

670
00:25:49,600 --> 00:25:54,360
in your home make it a place that this

671
00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:55,640
is important and so we used to have this

672
00:25:54,360 --> 00:25:58,360
code word when they were little we used

673
00:25:55,640 --> 00:26:00,279
to say Ellen and they knew to cover up

674
00:25:58,360 --> 00:26:02,320
their eyes and we would say crackers

675
00:26:00,279 --> 00:26:04,600
when they could uncover their eyes and

676
00:26:02,320 --> 00:26:07,720
so establishing I would like to know

677
00:26:04,600 --> 00:26:09,480
more about where the originated well

678
00:26:07,720 --> 00:26:11,080
Ellen is a middle name in our family and

679
00:26:09,480 --> 00:26:14,159
crackers they came up with I let them

680
00:26:11,080 --> 00:26:15,679
choose crackers cute yeah but those are

681
00:26:14,159 --> 00:26:17,399
those things that establishing those

682
00:26:15,679 --> 00:26:20,240
rhythms where they know okay home is a

683
00:26:17,399 --> 00:26:22,960
safe place but we can still have fun and

684
00:26:20,240 --> 00:26:25,000
there's a reason why like why do we do

685
00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:28,080
these things always point it back to who

686
00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:30,679
we are and who we are loving and Who We

687
00:26:28,080 --> 00:26:34,840
Are are honoring you have talked a lot

688
00:26:30,679 --> 00:26:37,640
about um the differences that happen as

689
00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:40,559
you're moving into the preaching years

690
00:26:37,640 --> 00:26:44,600
and it seems like some of those is a

691
00:26:40,559 --> 00:26:48,480
natural push away from Mom and Dad in

692
00:26:44,600 --> 00:26:51,320
that push away how can parents best

693
00:26:48,480 --> 00:26:53,200
support your pretin mental health and

694
00:26:51,320 --> 00:26:58,720
well-being when maybe you're not the

695
00:26:53,200 --> 00:27:01,840
person that they want to go to go to um

696
00:26:58,720 --> 00:27:03,480
have other adults in their lives and if

697
00:27:01,840 --> 00:27:05,399
you are a member of this church have

698
00:27:03,480 --> 00:27:08,679
your kids involved in the kids ministry

699
00:27:05,399 --> 00:27:10,520
it is huge um to have other adults that

700
00:27:08,679 --> 00:27:13,480
they can go and talk to whether that be

701
00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:15,360
other moms or dads of their friends or

702
00:27:13,480 --> 00:27:17,520
maybe more you know High School College

703
00:27:15,360 --> 00:27:19,320
age kids those are the people that are

704
00:27:17,520 --> 00:27:21,080
going to they're going to hear from that

705
00:27:19,320 --> 00:27:24,120
they necessar they they will say the

706
00:27:21,080 --> 00:27:25,600
same say say the same thing you say but

707
00:27:24,120 --> 00:27:27,600
they're going to hear it from them

708
00:27:25,600 --> 00:27:29,240
better um so have those people pouring

709
00:27:27,600 --> 00:27:33,320
into your kids lives and maybe it's

710
00:27:29,240 --> 00:27:37,760
Grandma and Grandpa um my son will soak

711
00:27:33,320 --> 00:27:40,159
up anything his grandpa says um so have

712
00:27:37,760 --> 00:27:41,799
those people placed in your kids' lives

713
00:27:40,159 --> 00:27:45,679
um be aware that you need to give them

714
00:27:41,799 --> 00:27:49,679
space yourselves as their parent

715
00:27:45,679 --> 00:27:51,840
um and just you know just cultivate

716
00:27:49,679 --> 00:27:54,320
those relationships as much as you can

717
00:27:51,840 --> 00:27:55,640
um with other people it's so important I

718
00:27:54,320 --> 00:27:58,200
will

719
00:27:55,640 --> 00:28:01,799
say talking about pointing to Jesus and

720
00:27:58,200 --> 00:28:04,760
having right people in your kids' lives

721
00:28:01,799 --> 00:28:07,240
um let their faith become their faith

722
00:28:04,760 --> 00:28:10,559
the coolest thing is

723
00:28:07,240 --> 00:28:11,360
parents God's got the job of grabbing

724
00:28:10,559 --> 00:28:14,200
their

725
00:28:11,360 --> 00:28:16,960
hearts I don't we just have to cultivate

726
00:28:14,200 --> 00:28:19,360
a space for him to be seen and for him

727
00:28:16,960 --> 00:28:22,399
to flourish like that there's freedom in

728
00:28:19,360 --> 00:28:24,039
that like it's not my job it's his and

729
00:28:22,399 --> 00:28:27,039
the beauty of that like two of my four

730
00:28:24,039 --> 00:28:29,840
kids have now been baptized and it was

731
00:28:27,039 --> 00:28:32,640
people from the kids ministry here that

732
00:28:29,840 --> 00:28:35,279
came alongside them and helped them you

733
00:28:32,640 --> 00:28:36,320
know get closer to the Lord it wasn't me

734
00:28:35,279 --> 00:28:38,159
asking them hey when you going to get

735
00:28:36,320 --> 00:28:40,159
baptized when you get baptized no

736
00:28:38,159 --> 00:28:42,679
surrender those things cultivate a good

737
00:28:40,159 --> 00:28:45,360
environment and let

738
00:28:42,679 --> 00:28:47,200
go when this has been awesome I I feel

739
00:28:45,360 --> 00:28:50,519
like you did such a great job of taking

740
00:28:47,200 --> 00:28:53,200
a scary season while acknowledging the

741
00:28:50,519 --> 00:28:56,760
scariness but giving us a little bit of

742
00:28:53,200 --> 00:28:59,360
uh equip equipment equip what's the word

743
00:28:56,760 --> 00:29:01,600
equipping us great deodorant is

744
00:28:59,360 --> 00:29:03,679
important to kind of walk through and be

745
00:29:01,600 --> 00:29:05,519
prepared to enter That season and um

746
00:29:03,679 --> 00:29:07,159
just to be able to instead of look at it

747
00:29:05,519 --> 00:29:09,360
as a scary season to be able to find the

748
00:29:07,159 --> 00:29:11,880
joy in that the way that your kids are

749
00:29:09,360 --> 00:29:13,640
growing and how God has them um from one

750
00:29:11,880 --> 00:29:15,640
season to the next and you can enjoy the

751
00:29:13,640 --> 00:29:17,559
teenagers you really can they're

752
00:29:15,640 --> 00:29:19,480
beautiful so thank you friends it's

753
00:29:17,559 --> 00:29:21,039
really been a gift thanks for having me

754
00:29:19,480 --> 00:29:24,399
thanks Whitney this has been parenting

755
00:29:21,039 --> 00:29:24,399
for the everyday tune in next

756
00:29:27,039 --> 00:29:30,039
time

757
00:29:57,039 --> 00:30:01,039
e for