[Music]
this is parenting for the everyday a
podcast dedicated to meeting parents in
the trenches of Parenthood we explore
how our faith fits into our parenting
with the help of our guests we are
seeking practical tips on how the gospel
can speak into our day-to-day parenting
from the easy stuff to the hard stuff we
want to talk about it all this is
parenting for the every day I'm Holly D
Andrew and I'm Becca Alvarez and today
we are talking about
puberty pre-teens tween like how do we
get ready and disclaimer spoiler alert
I'm not the guest because I feel like
I'm living and I still don't know what
I'm doing so you still don't have an
expert we had to call someone else in um
we are joined by Whitney height Meer mom
to four um three are which are in this
stage would you maybe almost all four I
mean we're right in the thick of it in
the thick yeah we're in the thick I mean
my old some are coming out the other end
well I don't think you ever maybe let's
not use that verbage Feels Like H why I
am not the expert on this podcast I've
got my 16-year-old girl so she's like on
the other end of it but still in it yeah
and then 14-year-old boy he is in it
like man voice and the whole thing um
you know shaving the mustache all the
things for thatd I can't their legs get
really H we're getting ahead of
ourselves you're getting and then um I
do have a
12-year-old Mr fly and then I've got my
10-year-old who you're right on the cusp
again we're going to keep him as 10 10
as long as
possible um so I'm excited I'm excited
to talk about things that we can do to
prepare our hearts our homes and
everything as we kind of go into this
awkward stage for them but also maybe a
little bit for us it's a little awkward
for us sometimes so let's dive into it
let's do it so Whitney what are some of
the biggest challenges that parents face
during the pre-teen Years first two
things that come to mind body odor and
mood swings because they come in Fast
and they're both
pungent Pleasant yes and we're talk and
I'm talking like body odor the kind of
body odor that you roll down your
windows and are gagging like and it
comes out of nowhere one year like one
day they're like roses and all nice and
cuddly and smell like dirt and grass and
the next day it's literally like compost
and rotten leaves and I mean it's that
bad and it comes on quick so talking to
your 9-year-old 10-year-old about hey I
think it's time that we think about
deodorant is actually a really big deal
but those two things are are happening
because of what because in reality
there's some big changes happening so
boys actually you always think about
mood swings and hormones with girls but
nine years old boys can start really
changing hormonally and you're going to
start seeing mood swings that come out
of nowhere and so just being ready for
that as a parent is really important
having that discernment and
understanding of why all of a sudden
your 9-year-old is going from 0 to 60 in
like two seconds and understanding what
is happening they're like really
changing right now um and so what's that
look like communication is going to look
different your time is going to look a
lot different and your understanding of
these kids that you used to know when
they were five and and cuddly it's
they're they're different children right
now so the way you communicate with them
is so different than the way you would
have communicated with your 5-year-old
the way you have time with them is so
different than the way you would have
had time with your you know three and
four-year-old you had a lot of time in
the car and car seats you had them
strapped in they weren't going anywhere
they can't get out you had so much more
time leisurely time with your Littles
when they start into that 8 n 10 11 12
year old age range your time gets more
and more fleeting and I'm just telling
you like I was not prepared for the
tornado that happened when I had all of
a sudden two teenagers and at that time
a nine or 11 and a 9-year-old like the
last year or two time was gone and I
wasn't prepared for that as a mom as
much as I thought I was um because you
when they're little you're you're going
all the time but you're with them and
when they get a little bigger you're
going all the time but you're not with
them yeah you're dropping them off and
all of a sudden this little kid who used
to communicate with you um and you know
yap yap yap yap yap is quiet is a little
bit more subdued um gets a little bit
more
irritated um and just understanding how
they communicate and understanding that
you have to be intentional with your
time so when you're in the car
maybe the radio is off and you're having
conversation and you're just asking them
about their day ask ask ask lots of
questions so I would think the major
biggest challenges going back to your
original question obviously body order
and mood swings but those are indicators
that the bigger things are happening
that you're going to need to start
taking time for
communication time period intentional
time and just understanding that this
child is new they really all of a sudden
they're saying hi Mom from upstairs it
it happens overnight it happens I mean
you know it happens overnight and um
just taking that time to understand that
so how do we prep for all of it I mean
we can talk about the physical stuff and
then also even like this communication
thing like how are we preparing
ourselves or maybe a better question is
how are we responding as it changes so I
you know one thing you said is being
intentional with the time you have um I
have found that you know when we're in
the car I might ask a question and I get
no answers and then you know I'm in bed
turning the lights out and then he's
like let me tell you about this thing
that happened at school today like
really and you're exhausted right now is
the time we're going to talk about it
perect so yeah just how do we kind of
prepare our hearts and our minds to take
advantage of those situations to be
looking for them I don't know I think
it's just being aware is the one thing
when you start to see those changes is
being aware that you need to be more
intentional and the fact that he says
okay now I want to tell you about my day
at school and it's 10:00 at night or
9:30 whatever time it is you say okay
let's sit down say okay you do say okay
no and also knowing like understanding
your child like I have um I did just
predisclosure I did speak with all my
children so they do know that I'm
speaking about them today and they're
comfortable with it and they understand
um but my daughter um she will tell me
everything however
the real stuff like deep down hard stuff
she'll hold on to it for about two weeks
and you can just tell in the demeanor
that there's something more and so it's
just understanding your kids like I know
I'm going to have to give her some space
and then there's going to be that moment
when I tuck her in at night which I
implore parents too keep tucking your
kids in at night I mean keep them little
keep them kids as long as possible
because they're 18 and you're never
going to have that chance chance to tuck
them in again but those are those
moments where I know like okay I need to
give her space there's something more
here and I'm going to give her a couple
weeks just keep asking the questions
every night and then one night when I
say hey how's everything really going at
school or how's everything really going
with so and so then it just bubbles up
but understanding each of your kids
having patience whereas I have my other
child literally a 6-hour car ride no
joke silence all we did was listen to
his favorite kind of music but I gave
him free reign and I knew we needed that
quality time 6
hours no talking it was just listening
to Classic Rock oh man but the cool
thing about that is because I spent that
quality time with him and just let him
be I wasn't
like pestering him with questions and
you know digging digging digging one
because I knew him and I God has taught
me what kind of child and human being
he's growing into I let be we had fun
and now I can ask those questions when I
have that quality time because I've
earned as a safe space and some trust
does that make sense oh yeah no that's
good good and like my other one I know
like talking about change and just
communication
is the other change that happens is your
5-year-old will come up and cuddle with
you and want those hugs and all of a
sudden they're 12 11 13 however old they
are and you know they they don't quite
want those hugs anymore but when I sit
one-on-one with him and watch a show
he's right on top of me and so it's
making those moments happen and letting
go of the little first grader that used
to like come up and run and grab your
knees letting go of that being thankful
for it but knowing you have something
new to nourish and to
cultivate man it seems like too some of
those things especially if you're not
necessarily prepared for for them it
would be so easy to take it personally
to feel like uh that you did or didn't
do or you know and what I'm hearing you
say is that it's all the changes going
on inside of them and it's more
important as the parent to not take it
personally and to just give them the
space and try to relearn who they are um
which feels like it could be such a
challenge if it's from one day to the
next a whole different child it is yeah
and that's why you need to give yourself
Grace too because I total another
disclosure I have not done this
perfectly and I will say my daughter has
the most amazing guinea pig um because I
didn't always give her space I would
pester her and until I finally realized
she is just shutting down even more so
let's let's rework and let's like we've
had those conversations like Kendra what
really works for you and sometimes she's
very honest and lets me know and
sometimes she doesn't but knowing that
like you're going to mess up and it is
going to be different from day to day
and not taking it personally like great
example is just this fast week my
youngest who is my cuddle bug like all
the time once his one of his major love
language is definitely physical touch he
yearns for it big loss on the football
field afterwards he just looked at me
and you could see the crocodile tears
and I could tell he wanted me to hug him
but when I went to hug him he like
shoved me off and it was one of those
moments where oh it hurt my mama's heart
and you do I took it personally but then
it again this is my fourth so I've
learned through my other ones like okay
take a moment he's with all of his
friends he's 10 years old now and he
doesn't want this hug so like it was
funny cuz he would come in for the hug
again and then like back off and so then
I just started like hitting his shoulder
pads and like we just got into wrestling
and then it kind of got into something
else he still don't want my hug but yeah
he still yearned for it he still is that
little boy who wants that hug but he is
growing up to a point where I got to be
a man and I'm not going to cry about
this mom so don't hug me but it was so
hard not to take a personal but it's
just
understanding the environment
too I think it's also hard not to take
those mood swings personal you know you
talk about that as like more of like a
um I don't know sad emotional moment but
then you've got ones where all of a
sudden it's like you are acting crazy
you can't talk to anybody like this you
know um and that kind of you know what
set you off and who knows and so how do
you kind of prepare or even respond in
that moment I would imagine at least for
me there are many times I have to go
back and apologize cuz you know I am
like oh I responded the same way that
you are acting I see I see what's
happening here this is this is not good
so kind of walk us through how do we
prepare for mood swings or those big
emotions and I'm so glad that you
mentioned that it's not just for girls
cuz I actually no one told me that and
my oldest as a boy and so I was very
caught off by like we that we still had
such strong emotions and so yeah how do
you prepare how do you walk through that
season you throw something right back at
them great wrote that
down check mark yeah but no really like
there are those moments where the anger
is so hot and so quick that our own
human reaction is so hot and so quick
too and so you hit it on the head when
you said there are times when you do
have to go back and ask forgiveness but
that's the key like you will mess up you
will get angry and frustrated CU you're
not going to understand in the moment
where the anger and the frustration came
from but the beauty is is going back and
having that communication with the
child creates an understanding and a
safe space like those are the rhythms in
your home that start to create safe
spaces and understanding um so when that
0 to 60 happens again you're like little
off the handles let's take a moment why
don't you go upstairs mom's going to go
outside we'll reconvene in five minutes
yeah and but you wouldn't be able to do
that unless you've created that that
rhythm of safe and reliability yeah yeah
when you mentioned too that time is
fleeting at this point once you're
getting to kind of 9 10 11 12 they're
spending a lot more time at school
they're spending a lot more time with
coaches they're spending a lot more time
with friends and so how do you balance
this is a twofold question one how do
you balance the new sought-after
independence of pre-teens and then with
that Independence comes peer pressure so
how do you kind of keep track of that
and Empower your kids to be resilient
against that um and then I guess also
how do you create a graceful space for
when they mess up they mess up or when
they're hurt right no that's a good
question um again it comes back to those
safe reliable rhythms in your home where
you've created a safe space but your
kids like let's take it back a second
they are 9 10 11 let's go more to the 11
12 13 they are yearning for that next
step of Independence their minds are
already I mean my my 14-year-old
researches cars all the time so they are
yearning for that Independence um they
are yearning for you know that next cool
pair of shoes those things that they are
wanting to do themselves and so how do
we create that within boundaries oh my
goodness um that's difficult just
because you know you you want to create
safe space but you also want them
a space a safe space for them to be able
to mess up um where it doesn't create
too many consequences how do you do that
well that's a good question
um one thing we've done with our kids as
far as Independence goes is we try to
say is yes yes as much as possible um
and know the least amount of time but
what does that yes mean that yes means
that at home you are taking
responsibility you know they have it's
fun to create chores when they're little
when they're older make the chores big
you know my kids took they were they did
all of our yard work our all summer we
did none of it like I didn't I literally
did shears for the first time like a
week ago it was wonderful but because of
that Independence or that uh
responsibility that they had they had
the independence to they had a set
amount of money they could spend on
whatever they wanted um like that new
pair of shoes so it's creating that
Independence but then again like you
said The Independents they not only have
new coaches but they have more friends
they're around their friends more often
um
have the friends over at your house as
much as you can get to know their
friends and have those conversations
about what type of people you want in
your life like are these friends making
you a better person are they helping you
make good decisions and if they're not
why um are you helping your friends
making better to make good decisions
have those conversations ask the right
questions um but they are yearning for
that next step so trying to say yes as
much as possible is so important um but
with within boundaries and don't be
stupid I mean social media technology
like there is time for that and there's
time to say no um also goes back to your
child like know your child um my
daughter is 16 years old she got her
first phone when she was 15 um so we're
slowly getting into that I'm not saying
that's the answer for every parent or
every child the situations are different
it just worked out really well for our
family um to do that and like she just
has her first social media which is be
real it's very for the most part safe
but just be aware like my kids know that
if they have any type of device I'm
checking it like it's I'm not hiding it
from them like I literally told my
daughter yesterday like hey I checked
your text just want let you know is
there anything that you know we want to
talk about not that she had anything to
talk about but just be transparent like
let them know you're there um let them
know you are checking up on them but
it's still there and it's still their
independence um yeah but don't be stupid
like there are great things to do as a
parent you know there's great technology
but in the room at
night there's things that you just need
to have really good boundaries on that
um you know sometimes we get lacks on
because we're
tired so how as we're having all these
conversations and emotional changes and
physical changes and new Independence
how do we keep pointing them to Jesus as
they are really these are fored years
for their identity and it's kind of um
the first time it's being questioned and
so how do we capitalize on the time we
have with them to point them to Jesus
like what are what are some ways that we
can be intentional with that I would say
the first thing is what are you doing as
a parent like what are you modeling in
the home with your own time with the
Lord like what are they seeing you doing
I remember one of the best advice um
pieces of advice I got when my kids were
little was have your Bible open on the
table and they know when mommy's Bible's
open that that's 5 minutes that they
can't interrupt um and if they do okay
but they know like that's important to
Mom and that needs to continue so what
are like if you're doing quiet time
every morning at 5: in the morning and
they're not up maybe try doing it at 700
for those first five minutes they're up
so they see you in the word like what
are you doing how are you modeling Jesus
in their lives and regarding pointing
them back to the to the word um he's in
all your conversations you know
literally talking about puberty with my
son and the way a man's body works and
the way God created it to um make life
and how their thoughts are important and
how that re makes certain areas of their
body react certain ways like making that
like it was out of his mouth my son's
mouth said oh my gosh it's really cool
that God created me that way that
depends on what I see and what I take in
I I'll I'll feel certain ways so making
him a part of the that conversation is
really really important but I say more
than anything you know you can tell your
kids to journal you can tell them to
read their Bibles but more than anything
they need to see the parents modeling it
um that's really how you point them back
to
Jesus you kind of just brought this up
but how do you have those conversations
those topics about puberty about
relationships about all of that how you
begin that groundwork in conversation
with your kids oh so two things just one
happened two nights ago we're literally
washing dishes and um my one son and I
were talking about a show that he's
watching on his own this is one
something he's doing on his own um so
that is an independent thing um because
usually you know only with mom or dad or
but this is something he's watching on
his own his own time if he gets his
homework done he's taking responsibility
and something that he can do um and we
were talking about like are there times
in the show where you have to bounce
your eyes or are there things that you
have to watch for and they we literally
like washing dishes and our whole
conversation was about how as a boy you
have you struggle with having to bounce
your eyes and he was thankful that this
show was none of that and how it's so
often not the case and so so often he
doesn't get to watch a lot of shows
because that's not often the case um so
having those conversations um but also
the relationship shs that's the thing
like you have those little crushes like
when they're in kindergarten or first
grade and then all of a sudden like 9 10
11 12
16 things get like the feelings get
bigger the feelings get so much bigger
and there was one time specifically
where he one of my sons sat across from
me at the dinner table again taking the
time being intentional about time and
realizing this is a moment I'm going to
sit I'm not going to get up and clean
after dinner and he sat there with I
mean we're talking like bucket size
crocodile tears and shared how his best
friend liked the girl he liked and she
liked him back and she told them all at
recess and how badly it hurt him and I
think one thing to do that's so
important as a parent is to just listen
and so often especially with that and
even even with like puberty and stuff
like things they struggle with in their
thoughts you just want to fix it you
want to fix it and be like oh that's
just you know normal and usually it is
but you just want to fix things but
often times they just need to talk and
so just sitting there and listening and
hearing him just pour out his heart and
I'm thinking oh I I'm dying inside as a
mom like he was so heartbroken but then
like asking him so not only listening
but then asking him how it made him feel
like asking my daughter like you know
whatever it you know whatever ever crush
or friend she has going on relationship
wise like how are they making you feel
um you know what do you think your
motive is and pursuing them asking those
kind of questions and understanding like
where the hurt comes from is so helpful
so I would say taking the time to listen
and taking the time to ask good
questions and not trying to fix it um I
think that's really
important yeah it is so important and I
always have to remind myself because my
my nature is to to fix it or to oh my
goodness you know to want to solve the
problem and that you're going to lose
the space cuz all of a sudden that's not
a safe space anymore because they're not
looking for that so I think that's super
good wisdom
um do you have any like other like
resources or tips and tricks I know the
other night we were texting about like
vid Angel and different things like do
you have any of those other practical
things that can help prepare us um for
that dance with Independence and still
being a kid that doing cuz you want to
keep them young as much as possible um
but again like I said they're ready for
that next stage and as a parent it's
kind of fun like oh we can you know
watch Ghostbusters together but oh
Ghostbusters little bit a little bit
more uh can I say the word sexy it it is
this is so this is what happen sex
thought I wanted to watch Ghostbusters
and so I had Whitney had said like a
while ago she had told me about this
program and so I was like okay I looked
up the reviews and it was like too much
stuff in Ghostbusters that I was like I
am not comfortable with all of this it's
actually really sexy it is um and so
yeah tell like yeah tell them yeah like
vid Angel is a subscription um we got on
to it probably like five or six years
ago and basically you can almost not all
movies and shows are on it but quite a
few are and you can also request if
there's something you really want to
watch um and it it can screen or um
filter out things that you don't want
your kids to be seeing like literally
and I hope this is okay to share but the
first Top Gun like we are my husband and
I are Top Gun nerds like I could quote
the entire first movie absolutely love
it and we were so excited to watch it
with our kids this is right before top
gun Maverick came out and I'm like oh we
cannot watch that with our children but
through vid Angel we could watch the
entire movie and the one scene that we
needed taken out they like literally
take the entire scene out so it doesn't
even seem like it was ever there and it
didn't affect the storyline much at all
you can take language out so that was a
way for us to experience something older
with our kids um give them a little bit
more Independence in something you know
their friends may be watching or culture
may be watching and then be able to
enjoy which tofun Maverick is a great
movie through and through well and I
liked it cuz like you said it's not that
awkward like oh where's Thermo let me
fast forward it's really like oh it's
like you don't even know that was in
there and the story is still the same
story is still the same I thought that
was cool and we used to have when when
the kids were little we used to have
code words um because remember that
little song be careful little eyes what
you see like that's real and that
continues I mean now my husband and I I
mean what we're been married 20 years we
still have to watch and be careful with
our little I see and so don't take that
for granted either all of a sudden oh
you know they see it all everywhere no
in your home make it a place that this
is important and so we used to have this
code word when they were little we used
to say Ellen and they knew to cover up
their eyes and we would say crackers
when they could uncover their eyes and
so establishing I would like to know
more about where the originated well
Ellen is a middle name in our family and
crackers they came up with I let them
choose crackers cute yeah but those are
those things that establishing those
rhythms where they know okay home is a
safe place but we can still have fun and
there's a reason why like why do we do
these things always point it back to who
we are and who we are loving and Who We
Are are honoring you have talked a lot
about um the differences that happen as
you're moving into the preaching years
and it seems like some of those is a
natural push away from Mom and Dad in
that push away how can parents best
support your pretin mental health and
well-being when maybe you're not the
person that they want to go to go to um
have other adults in their lives and if
you are a member of this church have
your kids involved in the kids ministry
it is huge um to have other adults that
they can go and talk to whether that be
other moms or dads of their friends or
maybe more you know High School College
age kids those are the people that are
going to they're going to hear from that
they necessar they they will say the
same say say the same thing you say but
they're going to hear it from them
better um so have those people pouring
into your kids lives and maybe it's
Grandma and Grandpa um my son will soak
up anything his grandpa says um so have
those people placed in your kids' lives
um be aware that you need to give them
space yourselves as their parent
um and just you know just cultivate
those relationships as much as you can
um with other people it's so important I
will
say talking about pointing to Jesus and
having right people in your kids' lives
um let their faith become their faith
the coolest thing is
parents God's got the job of grabbing
their
hearts I don't we just have to cultivate
a space for him to be seen and for him
to flourish like that there's freedom in
that like it's not my job it's his and
the beauty of that like two of my four
kids have now been baptized and it was
people from the kids ministry here that
came alongside them and helped them you
know get closer to the Lord it wasn't me
asking them hey when you going to get
baptized when you get baptized no
surrender those things cultivate a good
environment and let
go when this has been awesome I I feel
like you did such a great job of taking
a scary season while acknowledging the
scariness but giving us a little bit of
uh equip equipment equip what's the word
equipping us great deodorant is
important to kind of walk through and be
prepared to enter That season and um
just to be able to instead of look at it
as a scary season to be able to find the
joy in that the way that your kids are
growing and how God has them um from one
season to the next and you can enjoy the
teenagers you really can they're
beautiful so thank you friends it's
really been a gift thanks for having me
thanks Whitney this has been parenting
for the everyday tune in next
time
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