Well, hello all you beautiful people.
You know what time it is.
Ladies and gents, guys and dolls and
everyone in between.
Gather around. Get you something real
nice to sip on and comfy to slip on.
Cuz it's time for Smite Club. Here's
your hosts, Chelsea and Hannah.
[Music]
[Laughter]
Hey everybody and welcome to Smut Club.
I'm Chelsea. And I'm Hannah. And this is
the podcast where we are two licensed
mental health professionals who
sometimes daydrink, sometimes don't, and
review romance novels of varying
caliber.
What caliber is today's?
Pretty mid.
mid. Like when I text you yesterday and
said, "I made some cookies. They taste
fine, but they look mid."
Yeah.
You're like, "That's the energy of this
book."
Yeah.
I mean, it's fine to read, but it's
pretty mid if you think about it too
hard. So, we are reviewing
The Billionaire's Obsession. That's
right, ladies and gentlemen.
Don't tell me. No, I'm so excited. Is
this what I think it is?
It is. It's Jan.
[ __ ] yeah, Jan.
It's Jan.
JS Scott. We're back, baby.
She's here. And here's the really fun
part about Jan and a lot of her like
deeper cuts, okay?
Is that a lot of them were released in
multiple parts and then she just
re-released them as one book. Ah,
and this is one of them. There's like
five parts, but it's still somehow only
250 pages or whatever.
Was she like releasing it where you like
pay So you'd pay for like 50 bucks? 50
pages at a time? Not 50 bucks. 50 pages.
Yeah, basically, I guess.
Okay.
Yeah. So, this is not
like this is all of them together. And
just question because obviously I
haven't read this one. Um,
is it clear that there's five different
sections or is it like edited to like be
a little more cohesive again?
Part one, mine for a night and then it
goes into
[ __ ] it. We don't need chapters. We just
need five parts.
Part two, mine for now. Like
it's very delineated.
Um, and um, part of why this one was
chosen is because Chelsea,
this takes place in Tampa.
I knew Jan wouldn't let me down. I knew
she would give my hometown the
representation it deserves.
And let me tell you how that
representation starts. Okay,
so Simon
has been obsessed
with Carara, who works for his mom in
one of her restaurants for like over a
year, but he's never talked to her. He
just can see her when she walks home
because he lives between the restaurant
and her apartment. And so he follows her
home every night to make sure she gets
home again for like a year. So on just
to make sure she's safe. Nothing weird.
Don't be Don't make it sketchy.
Why are you being weird?
Stop. It It didn't It was simple. It was
beautiful. He was making sure she was
safe. You [ __ ] twisted that beauty
into something nefarious.
You are perverting something
sacred right now.
So, we very quickly establish that um he
doesn't do feelings. He's only here to
[ __ ] Like, she's just super hot. He
just wants to make sure she gets home.
Okay. And
but not cuz he likes her, just cuz at
some point the machine will want to [ __ ]
her.
Right. You get it? And so one of the
first thoughts he has is, "I can't
believe she walks home so late at night
every night. Doesn't she realize this is
Tampa?"
Excuse me.
I mean, depending on the part, that is a
very valid statement,
but like he's in a penthouse,
like a building with a door man. [ __ ]
what?
Okay, so knowing where he lives, it's
probably not
it's not that part. It's not the rough
part of Tampa.
You're like, "Good sir, you bought that
million multi-million dollar penthouse
for 201190
or something." There's one particular
zip code that's been in a lot of rap
songs for out of Tampa and I can't
remember it. It doesn't matter. Um but
anyway,
um so
she walks by. He's waiting for her. She
seems to be running late, but she
finally walks by. Um and he is he has
like cute aggression. She's so hot that
he's mad about it.
But he's like, "Damn it, she's so
attractive." Like what?
Why are you upset about it? What?
Well, and I feel like damn,
she's so attractive is really different
than damn it,
she's so attractive. Just the the one
word it really makes a large contextual
difference.
Like, be less hot
for [ __ ] sake. So, tonight he's like,
"Tonight is the night. I'm going to talk
to her. I've been silently following her
and showing up at my mom's restaurant
when I know she's working for a year.
I've never spoken to her. Tonight's the
night.
Tonight's the night. So, Cara is having
a bad day.
Like a no good, pretty bad, awful day.
And she's in borrowed clothes because
she spilled coffee, I think, all over
herself. And so she's wearing like one
of the other servers clothes. It's like
a mini skirt and like a a V-neck top or
something. And she she hasn't eaten
anything.
She's in her last semester of nursing
school. She's 28. She's exhausted. She's
just trying to get home.
I don't know why my notes with no other
context just say parents are dead. I'm
pretty sure that that's how it happens
in the book though where like she's
having this internal monologue and
you're like wow I'm learning a lot.
Okay, nursing school 28 parents are
dead. Like it's a lot that we're
learning about her.
So she starts to get laded because she
hasn't eaten anything and she very
nearly passes out when she hears someone
start calling her name. And so some dude
picks her up and carries her somewhere
and she is just like along for the ride.
That would be deeply unsettling.
You've had a long day at work.
You're not feeling great. You're about
to pass out and suddenly a rando
is carrying you somewhere.
Yeah.
Put me down.
Yeah. I don't mean to brag, but I have
passed out in the street before.
And I got to say, even when it was
someone I knew, I was like, "What? No.
Put me down."
[Laughter]
I once got drunk on the streets of I
guess not Tampa. It was St. Pete.
Pretty close. But it was my
ex-boyfriend. And I was like, "You
cannot." I I refused to go anywhere with
him to the point that I then laid down
and fell asleep in the street and he had
to call another friend.
It was not my best moment.
Similar but different.
I think I might have told you about
this. I I almost passed out. did pass
out fairly recently when I was with Matt
and I just kept trying to lay down in
the street in downtown Atlanta
at Five Points, y'all. No, that's not
where we lay down. That's not where we
lay down. But I just really was trying a
lot.
Okay, so maybe we should give Simon more
credit cuz I'm I'm out here being like,
"What? No, do not let a rando pick you
up off the street. But also, there are
some streets.
You might want to be picked up from.
Yeah,
I'll give her that.
Yeah, you This isn't where we lay down.
No.
Um, so she does she she is not panicking
that some random stranger has picked her
up, but she is shocked that it's so easy
for him to lift her.
And it is concerning how easy it is
for him to convince her to stay with him
for the night or
Yeah. He's like, "Stay with me. You're
clearly not well. Just stay here. It'll
She has low blood sugar, not a chronic
illness.
Give her some Skittles and money for a
cab. What? Hey, I bought you a muffin
and called you an Uber. You should be
all set,
right? I put my number in your phone. If
you're interested, hit me up.
Just stay with
Yeah. But no, he's like, "Just stay
here." And she's like,
"Okay,
what else do I have going on?"
Twisted my arm about it.
I love Jan so much.
And he sends his assistant to get her
belongings from her apartment. Like
takes her keys from her purse, gives
them to his assistant, and is like,
"Don't worry about it. I know where she
lives.
go get her stuff. What the [ __ ]
What the [ __ ] He calls the doctor to
check on her cuz he's that concerned. He
feeds her.
She's that rich.
He makes sure she eats, she's resting,
and then he's like,
"You aren't going to work anymore. You
don't need to do that. You don't need to
do that."
And she's like, "My notes say a couple
of weak protests and immediately
asleep." It's like, "No,
asleep."
She's like, "What?" Okay. So, there's
some bigger conversations still to be
had come morning.
Yeah. Yeah. So, she wakes up, she
showers, she puts on a robe that she
finds. She's like, "Where am I? It looks
like a nice place. Hopefully I'm not in
mortal mortal danger or anything. You
know what? She's just she's just waking
up in a random. She's like, "It's cool.
I'll just shower. I'm not getting naked
in an apartment where I don't know where
I am or how I got there. My first
instinct is not to then disrobe,
make myself more vulnerable,
right?"
No.
No. I'm likely going to the kitchen and
finding a knife. Yeah. Yeah. Like
she does make her way to the kitchen
after her shower
for coffee.
Yeah. And that's where she finds Simon
and there's weird sexual tension of
course already happening. And he's like,
"Hey, just so you know, I did send my
assistant to your apartment yesterday,
but um you've been evicted."
What?
This feels like when we reviewed The
Perfect Fit by Satie Concincaid
and there wasn't actually a cockroach
problem,
right? No, this is real. So,
she's actually been evicted.
She's actually been evicted because her
roommate that she's been living with um
was just taking her money and not paying
the rent.
And so, all of her belongings are gone.
like her entire apartment has been
cleared out. She has nothing. Her
roommate has absconded into the night
and that's it for her.
And so she has a total breakdown which
is very understandable.
Yeah. You know, that's a that's a
justifiable breakdown. Jan really starts
a book with a bang.
She really does. And immediately Cara
goes into, "Okay, well, I'm going to
have to drop out of school. I'll have to
see if I can find like a shelter to stay
in or something because I don't have
like we're paycheck to paycheck over
here. Like there's no way that I'm going
to be able to do this.
Um, and one thing I forgot about Jan but
did recall in reading this is that she
uses the word elemental
in a way where I have a princess bride
moment every time I read it where I'm
like, "You keep using that word. I don't
think you know what that means.
That means what you think it means.
Yeah. I don't think I don't think that's
it. But constantly the connection is
elemental. And so he insists that she
stay with him um until she can get back
on her feet. And um there is one
condition to her being allowed to stay
there and that is that she quit her job
and allow him to fully financially
support her
which doesn't feel like a condition to
me. Feels like a perk.
Those are strings Pinocchio. Like,
yeah,
I'm sorry.
Just until she gets back on her feet,
though. Right. And then
Right. Right. Right. Right.
But she does have to quit her job, so
she has no means to make money to be
able to get back on her feet.
Yeah.
Jan.
Yeah.
Jan.
Matt and I were watching a movie
recently where like the the
spicy, messy bestie character was
talking about how she's like dating this
older man and she's like super into it
and like they have an arrangement or
whatever. And the friend is like, "So,
so like a sugar daddy is what you have?"
And she's like, "Um, I wouldn't say
that. I would say that he's my
sponsor. He sponsors me. He sponsors me.
And I was like, you know, I dig it. I
like the energy.
Here's the thing. I think in a younger
season of my life, I wanted to talk [ __ ]
on people who looked for sponsors in
that regard.
No way, man.
And now I realiz it was just my
insecurity that I didn't think I was hot
enough to find a sponsor.
Sure. For sure. Mhm. If I believed I was
hot enough to find a sponsor when I was
in my early 20s,
we probably wouldn't even have this
podcast right now.
I was going to say we'd be in different
places doing different things. We
really would.
Yeah,
man.
Pretty privilege is
a real thing. We're not unattractive
people. No, but I would not say that I
am to the level where someone would pay
me to be around so they could look at
me. Like
I don't think I'm that pretty.
Not just my face at least.
Yeah.
I don't know. I I've had a kid. I don't
even think my tits are that good. But
like boobs are boobs, you know?
Boobs are boobs. That's so true. Um,
so we do I forgot to mention this is
dual point of view. So we get like
random sprinkles of like their thoughts
and stuff.
And so during this conversation, Simon
is thinking like he is
consistently hard like all the time when
she's around. She is sobbing her
eyeballs out about being evicted and is
snotting all over him and he's like,
"Yeah, I'd still hit it though." Like
that's the energy the entire time. and
she's really confused and she's like,
"Wait a minute. So, like, what do you
want? Like, I'm getting a pretty great
deal here, right? Like, a place to stay.
You're paying all my bills. You're
paying my tuition. So, what do you
want?"
And he says that he wants one night of
total surrender,
hence the title, mine for a night. And
so he finger bangs her to completion
and then is like, think about it.
Yeah.
Like
what?
Yeah. But then he's like, but it's not a
requirement though. So, if you're not
into it,
that's cool.
But this is what I would like.
I would like one night of total
surrender in exchange for paying for
everything for you. But if that's not
something you're willing to offer, no
problem at all. I'll still pay for
everything. No skin off my teeth. Yeah.
So, she's like, "Okay, well, I I can't I
can't do that." So, I know. I'll cook
for him. I'll be his cook.
I won't give you a night of total
surrender, but I will make you a pretty
good grilled cheese and tomato Sammy.
Mhm. Mhm. Mhm. And she is close friends
with someone, a doctor who runs a free
clinic named Maddie. And they're like
best friends and they like volunteer
together.
very tight relationship. So, she calls
her friend Maddie who's like, "You know,
you can also stay with me. Like, you
don't we don't want to be doing all
that.
You don't actually have to have to stay
with a stranger that you met last
night."
Yeah. Yeah. But of course, Cara's like,
"I could never." Like, why not?
But you could with this dude you've
never met before,
right?
Quite frankly, Hannah, I'm willing to
let you inconvenience yourself for me
way before I'm going to go live with a
stranger.
Someone who picked me up off the street,
literally.
Oh god. Yeah, like Matt might need some
time to adjust, but like he'll figure it
out. Um, so a week goes by and they've
just been awkwardly avoiding each other.
She's like preparing meals and leaving
them for him to find and like they're
like not ever actually engaging with
each other, but then
exactly what Simon hoped this
arrangement would be,
right? He's getting everything he hoped
for, but then they wind up bonding over
video games because she like goes to
tell him that lunch is ready or
something and sees into his office. So
again, because Jan
really separates her characters into
whole people, he's a tech billionaire,
which is very different from her other
novels where they're tech billionaires.
No, no, no. This is the Florida cohort,
right? It's Tampa. Um, so
there may actually even be different
Florida
cohorts. There are there are Is the
other one like West Palm? Is it South
Florida?
Yeah. Yeah, there's one in South
Florida, but I can't remember exactly
where.
Um, so they have this cute little
bonding moment and they kind of admit
like I actually kind of enjoy you. Like
I would like to spend time with you.
Um, and as they're bonding, as things
go, Cara reveals that her ex cheated on
her, which is why she's been single for
a while.
Mhm. And Simon has never been in a
relationship before except,
this is my notes, except that one time
when he was 16, but we don't talk about
that.
What?
Um, and so some of her um heirlooms and
things kind of disappeared when her
apartment got cleared out. And so he
reveals that he's been looking for some
of the things that Cara had mentioned
before were really important. And he
found her mother's ring in a pawn shop
and that's a really big deal for her.
And so they immediately make out.
Um and Cara is like,
"You know what? That deserves a make out
session."
Yeah. She's like,
"One night you say
tonight is the night."
Oh. And so
she knows surrender involves more than
just a little make out, right?
She does because he immediately ties her
up and blindfolds her.
And my notes say a man with a plan like
because it happened so fast. It happened
so fast. Um yeah. And so of course they
have like incredible sex, but he won't
let her see him or touch him.
But everybody's satisfied. And um he
then immediately gets dressed and
carries her back to her room and tucks
her into her own bed. And she's like,
"Oh my god, he's so tortured.
I can help him."
And that's the end of part one. Part
two,
mine for now. So, Simon wakes up and
Cara isn't in the condo and he starts to
freak out and then she suddenly texts
and says that she's fine. She's just at
the police station
and Simon is like the what the [ __ ] now?
What?
Yeah.
Um and so he marches his grumpy ass
right down to the police station and the
clinic where she volunteers with Maddie
was robbed at gunpoint and she got shot
at. while like protecting a child in the
the waiting room.
So, the guys threatened her. They stuff
like, you know, we're going to find you,
whatever. Um before they ran away. And
um
Simon immediately runs in and is like,
"Why aren't you doing more to protect
her?" or whatever [ __ ] [ __ ] And
turns to Maddie and is like, "Don't
worry. I'll protect her now. And it's
like, what? And Maddiey's like, "Of
course you will." I was like, "I was
rooting for you, Maddie. What the fuck?"
Like, she's like, "This stranger seems
to get it."
Yeah. No, Maddie, you should once again
remind her that she can come live with
you.
Yeah, we should make a second offer.
Um, but Simon,
just to be clear, that offer doesn't
have an expiration date.
No, no, it stands.
Yes. standing offer. Whenever you need
it, I have the room for you.
Yep. We will make the room. And so Simon
then takes Cara to dinner and they have
a really lovely time. He's like, "We're
just getting you some space from all of
this." And he asks if he can just hold
her for a little while. Um because he
was really freaked out by the whole
situation. And so um they wind up
[ __ ] on the couch and he blinked. I
took a sip of my drink. They were still
at the restaurant.
Now they're banging. He gets all freaked
out that he's not going to be able to do
it because she's not tied up.
Um
he can only get hard if he ties a woman
up.
Yeah. And so she coaxes him into
restraining her arms.
Um and then they have a great time.
Here's
the thing. I have some questions.
Yeah.
Mhm.
Will they get answered?
No.
Okay. I mean, maybe.
I honestly
it we'll see. We'll see. She's like, I
know that he has some hang-ups, but
maybe I can help him get over some of
them. Maybe not all of them. Like, maybe
he won't ever be able to [ __ ] me
unrestrained.
But it it's very bizarre. Um, and she
then also realizes that he's not ready
to share a bed with her. And so she's
just like, "I've enjoyed this time we've
had together." And goes to shower in her
own room.
I do actually kind of respect that
though. It is nice that it's not like
we're immediately all up in each other's
[ __ ] Even though that's kind of the
premise of the book,
it's still it recognizes the increased
intimacy of sharing a bed past just
having sex, you know.
Yeah. Well, and I think more than that
though, I was thinking more about the
like, oh, she recognized like a boundary
and a limit for him and like
is figuring out when to push those
limits, when to respect them and is
like, "Oh,
recognizing this is a thing. Okay, no
problem. Sure. This was great. I'm going
to go back to my room now." Versus like
making it a larger ordeal than it needs
to be or like
personalizing it.
Yeah. like
internalizing it, making your partner
feel shame because of it, those sorts of
things. So, like I do actually kind of
appreciate that that's how she navigated
that.
Mhm. Mhm. And then again, another week
flies by.
Another week.
There's something about Jan's chaos
writing that is just comforting.
Yeah, it's nice.
It is.
Where you have to go back and read the
last paragraph to make sure you didn't
miss a transition. It's nice
like cuz you didn't
you didn't
you didn't at all
and there's something nice about it.
So
you know this tech billionaire is too
busy for transitions.
Sorry, what were you saying?
So Cara
is having coffee with Simon's mom
because lest we forget
Carara worked for Simon's mom up until
that fateful night. Boy, I bet mom had
some questions.
Um, she's actually super excited about
how close Cara and Simon are getting and
is like, she's like, "Well, I've always
loved you. Like, you you you're such a
great employee,
right? You're so lovely."
And then weirdly hints at some kind of
trauma that happened to Simon when he
was 16, but we don't get any additional
information.
And so Cara goes home um because Simon
cannot cook. That's like a a plot point.
He struggles. And so Simon is like, "If
you don't come home, I'm going to make a
grilled cheese or something." And she's
like, "Oh no." And she decides that she
is going to be dessert first for the
evening.
Oh.
So, Simon is in his home gym because
every one of these guys has a home gym
and he is getting
Hannah, I have a home gym.
Well, but these tech billionaires in
penthouse apartments with a gym, it hits
very differently.
It doesn't for me
really.
The gyms don't like
Okay.
Like
Vance and I were even watching a
renovation show recently and
Uh, one of the people in their basement,
instead of putting in a gym, they put in
a pickle ball court,
which I don't think was regulation.
That's not the point.
But Vance and I were like, "Okay, if we
were in that house, yeah, okay, we would
just like take out the pickable net.
That's exactly where the gym would go.
No problem." Like it really like
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
So, I do think when you're like, "Yeah,
you got to set up the weights and like
you got to make sure that like
you have whatever equipment you want
and that like it can hold that weight
and this that and the other, but I'm I'm
like, "Oh, yeah. No, that that one
actually I have like no issue with."
Fair enough.
Of all of the of all of the things I do
find issue with in these books, that one
not an issue for me.
Understood. Appreciate different
perspectives.
So she came home and said, "Smack my ass
and call me Tiramisu."
That was the plan.
But he was he is getting out of the
shower that's attached to the gym.
Mhm.
And he forgot that um he forgot his
clothes in his room. So he is naked with
a towel or whatever. And Cara comes in
and sees he has
scars, like scarred up real bad all
over.
Um, and
Simon starts to panic that like she's
seeing him and like all his scars and
everything and he's like, "Oh my god,
I'm hideous."
And Cara is like, "Oh my god, that's the
hottest thing I've ever seen in my life.
He's dessert first." And gives him his
first [ __ ]
Oh.
ever.
Yeah, cuz he's never let a woman see him
before or interact with her
unrestrained.
So,
hope you liked it.
Well, my next note is his heart is full.
So, yes, he did.
His heart is full.
His heart is full and his penis is
empty.
Oh, no.
empty penis and empty Would you have
preferred his balls are empty? I didn't
like any of it. But like, no, Chelsea,
that really wasn't the part I took issue
with, actually. But I do think balls
empty is better. But anyway, it's
Simon's birthday
the next day and she is
looking hot and they start making out in
the elevator.
Um,
and then there's more sex and it's more
of like he has to turn her around at a
certain angle and hold her hands and
[ __ ] like that to restrain her. It seems
like a lot like a big production.
Um,
and this whole time she's trying to
remind herself like
we're still casual like there's not
Mhm. We've not discussed past this.
Like, I can't be catching feelings for
him. I'm like a convenient [ __ ] because
I live in his apartment. Like, this is
not I don't need to be making it bigger
than it is.
Um, and so they go to his birthday party
that his mom is throwing. Um cuz
obviously
I know his mom was chill about there.
But I'm also like you just lost an
employee because she moved in with your
son that she hasn't known this whole
time and you don't have concerns about
that. You're like, "Oh, I'm so glad he
found such a nice girl after that trauma
he went through when he was 16 that we
don't talk about." Like what?
Yeah. Well, and it also had this weird
energy that like the mom knew that Simon
would come by the restaurant to check
her out, like to check Cara out
specifically.
It's just a very convoluted situation.
And at the birthday party, Cara gets a
little bit overwhelmed. And so she goes
outside and she sees Simon with this
blonde woman kind of all over him.
Um, and basically making a deal to trade
jewelry for sex. The the girl is like,
"Oh, you know,
it's been a while since you called me.
there's this tennis bracelet I've really
been wanting. Like we should definitely
schedule a time to get together.
Um and she's definitely like feeling him
up as well. And so Cara panics and takes
off down towards the dock. There's
always a dock. She takes off toward the
dock
um to kind of process and remind herself
that like, hey,
this I don't really have a right to be
upset about this. Like he didn't make me
any promises. And don't we basically
have the same arrangement? Like
Yeah. You're like, "It's not a diamond
tennis bracelet, but it is nursing
school tuition."
My whole education and rent and board.
Mhm.
So, um Simon's brother Sam,
okay,
startles her
down at the dock and um he is very
obviously drunk and he says that um he's
like, "Hey, so just so you know,
whenever this whole arrangement between
you and Simon is done,
I would like to pick up that
arrangement. Give me a call." and it's
super gross.
And she smacks him full in the face and
takes off
and um she finds Simon's driver that had
brought them to the party and is like,
"Take me home. Like, I don't want to be
here."
Mhm.
I I can't be here anymore. So, um Cara
is gone when Simon gets back to the
condo. So, it's empty and there is a
check and a note and a birthday gift on
the counter when he gets home.
And um it's her dad's lucky penny or
whatever um is the birthday gift. Um and
uh she basically wrote him a check for
whatever he would have spent
or whatever.
Um, and he checks in with the security
who apparently has been trailing Cara
this whole time. Um, and they're like,
"Oh, yeah, she's at Maddiey's house.
She's safe."
So, Simon thinks that she left because
his brother is a douchebag
and he's pretty livid about it. And he's
like, "I get that she's upset. I'll give
it a little time, but like she's coming
back here. Like obviously, you know.
Yeah.
I'm not gonna be punished for my
brother's [ __ ] Um, so
you'll just be accountable for your own
actions.
Correct.
Not even punished, just accountable.
Yep.
Yeah.
The natural consequences of our own
actions.
It's a real [ __ ]
Woo. Hate them.
Yeah. Yeah.
Unless they're the good ones. We don't
talk about that enough. Sometimes,
you know, touche.
The consequences of our own actions are
pretty clutch, but we don't we don't
usually uh acknowledge those. So, it's
10 days later.
Oh, 10.
It's 10 days later. Okay.
And Cara is trying to find a job and
having no success. Like, she's applying
at tons of different restaurants in the
area. Like, anything really.
Let me guess, Simon's blocking any
Yeah. any potential positions for her.
Yeah. But Sam shows up, the brother
shows up and um basically begs her to go
to coffee with him and he is trying to
make amends with her and he's like,
"Listen, I was drunk.
I shouldn't have done that. It it was
gross and rude and I'm sorry. Like that
never should have happened." and um also
explains that Simon was not making an
arrangement with that other woman
because Sam had seen the whole thing.
Like it wasn't that
he stumbled down to the dock. He watched
Cara watch Simon with this other woman
and then run away and followed her.
And so he's like, "That's not what that
was. They'd had an arrangement in the
past." Like, you miss him telling her
essentially to [ __ ] off. like you missed
that part. Um, Simon really cares about
you and Cara is like, "Listen, thank you
so much for your apology. I really
appreciate you being honest with me. Um,
but I'm not I'm not going back to Simon.
Like, it's just not a good idea for me."
Yeah. Um, but then
Cara gets jumped on her way home and she
takes several hits to the head before
Sam hears her scream like from down the
street and um
runs the guys off. It's the robbers from
the clinic.
The same robbers.
Uh-huh. Cuz they know that she saw their
face
and she went to the cops. Oh.
So, um,
she is in a bad way. Like, she's pretty
hurt. And so, she tries to ask Sam to
tell Simon that she loves him. And then
she's like losing consciousness. It's
like,
Hannah,
Jan,
you're like, don't don't bring my name
into this.
And part three.
I keep forgetting there's parts.
Part three.
Mine forever.
Okay,
so we had mine for tonight, mine for
now, mine forever, which is an
escalation.
How can you escalate beyond forever for
part four?
I genuinely don't remember, but we'll
get it. We'll get it. Um, so I don't I
remember the story. I don't remember the
title of the part.
No, I I I figured. Okay, good. So, okay.
um mine forever. Cara wakes up in the
hospital and Simon is asleep in her room
and she starts getting flashes of memory
of like her being pretty hurt and then
she throws up on him and starts telling
him that she loves him and she's like
all of this is coming back to her in the
hospital.
Literally throws up on him or like
emotionally like word vomits on him.
Literally just check. Yeah, literally
vomit. Um because clearly she has a
concussion.
So, um, Simon wakes up and he's like,
"Hey, yeah, so you're never leaving
again. You're coming home with me. Um,
I'm going to protect you. This is
[ __ ] We're never doing this again."
And this is when he reveals that he's
been protecting her for a year. That
he's been following her unsolicited
for a year.
How would you respond to that news,
Hannah?
I got to say I don't think Well,
I'm also like you don't love this man.
You don't know this man.
Like, who even are you? Connecting on
video games and good sex is not enough
for me to be like, "Yes, I would die for
you." What?
What?
Yeah, Fortnite
is really
not enough. Fortnite.
Mhm. Yeah. I was thinking more Zelda.
Um,
also a great choice.
Yeah.
There's so many video game options.
really could be
so many
any of the series.
But she
maybe it's just Animal Crossing.
Oh my god.
This was all about Animal Crossing.
I was like, could it be Frogger?
Okay, as an aside, I had downloaded
probably like this time last year
um like a random just like city
building. sure
mindn numbing game that you have on your
cell phone, right?
And okay, once you like build your city
to a certain level, you can join
alliances and and when you share like
join alliance, you can share resources.
And I'm like, yeah, I'm just here to
share some resources. I just want to
build my city faster. Like this is not
that deep.
There was a whole mutiny in my alliance.
like
half of them left and joined another
alliance and the other half like went to
I'm like I guess I I guess I have to
find a new alliance now cuz I I'm not
invested.
I'm not a part of this.
But I'm like oh this is a level of
intensity to this game that I was not
prepared for. So I joined a new alliance
and I'm like my numbers are like okay in
the like I don't have bad numbers. It's
a 100 person alliance. There are 100
people like all of the slots are taken
in it. I'm ranked number 90 when it
comes to power and I like re I'm like
do y'all have jobs? What do you do all
like y'all are planning these like
attacks and these events and you are
coordinating and it is noon.
Yeah.
And y'all don't live overseas.
Yeah.
Like what is hap like the intensity
Mhm.
of like they keep wanting me to get on
Discord. I'm like, "No, I don't need to
join Discord for this. I just wanted to
gather some coal and wood and meat and
iron and build my little city."
So, my husband is one of those people
that's in the Discord and active.
Yes.
For a a a space game.
Does he Oh, space. Okay.
Space. Yeah, it's space. So, what is
hilarious
is he we follow this one particular band
that has a a fiddler named Lightning
Luke, right?
And years ago, Matt was like, "Honey,
honey, I I think Lightning Luke
is in my alliance on this game."
He's like, "Holy shit." And so he like
DM'd him through Discord and it was him.
It was him.
Incredible.
And we met him cuz we went to see this
band and we met him and Matt was so he
was like, "Bro, do you remember playing
Star Trek online in 2022?
I was in that alliance and they were so
cute."
That's such a pure moment. the joy that
that brought your husband.
I know. He was so excited about it. He
was so excited about it. Anyway,
meanwhile, I was in my lines for 6
months before I learned that there was a
translate button cuz I was like, I I
can't read a single thing that anyone in
this group is saying.
Yeah.
Shucks.
I was like, "Oh, I probably should have
been paying better attention this whole
time." Yeah, but I'm like if they kick
me out of the alliance because I don't
take it seriously enough.
All right.
I'm gonna laugh really hard.
Like I get it. Like
Yeah.
Yeah. Y'all are
always play like
different.
Well, and also
in the alliance there's like, oh, your
alliance member bought a pack of like
whatever. And so whenever anyone spends
real money on resources in the game, you
get something like as an alliance member
for it. And so I'm like, how much money
are are you dropping on this? Like this
is why we hold
Matt does not spend money on it.
I'm not going to lie, there have been a
couple times where I've been like pretty
toasted and I'm like, "This feels like a
great use of $5." And then I'm like,
it's not. No.
At no point is this a good use of $5.
But the funniest part is the Apple like
bill won't come through.
And for like a couple of days I was
like, what did I spend $469
on? Oh,
wood hero shards.
Incredible. And I was like, yeah, that's
my limit. I got a little drunk once and
spent five dollars on the game. I was
like, and I can't ever spend real money
on these games. I'm like, what? What are
y'all doing?
And like one person commented and
they're like, hey guys, I got to quit.
Got to spend more time in the real
world.
Great insight to have. Also, did you
have to talk to a therapist to come to
that realization? Like what happened in
your life that you were like, I need to
make an announcement to quit that like
at that level,
right? And I was like, I really thought
that this was just like a silly little
worldbuing game and was not
prepared.
People take that [ __ ] seriously.
They really do.
Yeah. It's a little concerning.
Well, and it's interesting, right? Like
we all want to be seen and feel known in
community and like be a part of
something
and it's I'm like I never really
considered that like a game like that
could be that outlet. Sure.
And then watching my entire alliance
fall apart over I'm like, "Oh, y'all
really take this so seriously."
Yeah.
Yeah. I'm like, "This is
it's a lot
wild to like." But it does make sense
though when you're like, "Oh, people
want to be engaged. They want to be a
part of a community." And also when you
take a step back, you're like, "I just
didn't think I realized there was a
community around this to be a part of."
Yes.
Mhm. Mhm.
Anyway,
communities come in many places
and Simon doesn't really have one.
He doesn't.
No. Outside of Cara.
So, um
she So, after this big reveal
of like that he's been following her all
this time and he wants her to come home.
Um she passes out again
and then upon waking is like, "Oh my
god, Simon looks terrible.
Okay, I'll come home with you because
obviously
you are so worried about me that you're
causing harm to yourself and so I have
no choice.
I love you. I have no choice but to care
about you in this way.
And so then a few days later, they're
they've been back at home. He's been
taking care of her.
Cara wakes up screaming from a
nightmare. They're still not sharing a
bed. So Simon comes in and like picks
her up and takes her back to his bed,
which is a big deal. Um, and she is
like,
"Help me forget." And so of course they
[ __ ]
The help me forget.
I don't like that trope.
No.
It's not a good one for me.
No.
No. I always feel a little
gross when there's been like a a sexual
thing and they're like, I don't want
them to be
Yeah. It's like erase them with you.
Like it's just a I'm like that's not how
that works with coping.
Right. Right.
Like like I understand taking your
agency back and like making your own
choices for yourself.
A great way to word that. And it does
feel different when it's like this
impulsive.
Um, but this is their solidifying [ __ ]
Okay.
And Simon starts to freak out when she's
on top. And so, um,
she's like, I will someday learn
why he has all these hang-ups, but not
now.
And so,
sorry, I forgot about this part. I
forgot about this part. So, she decides
that she's going to get to the bottom of
this situation by withholding sex until
he tells her.
And it's been three days.
Sorry. I'm so sorry.
It's been three days.
I
I don't do a lot of couples counseling.
Me either. I don't like it.
I don't I It's really not my bread and
butter.
But I I do feel like navigating it like
anyone who like wants to weaponize sex
in their relationship and like
immediately no.
This will not yield any of the results
that you are looking for.
Immediately no.
Mm-m.
I'm like, "No, that's not how we
navigate those things. That's not how we
get what we want."
Mm- Mm-
No. I'm like, and I
It's been 3 days.
And he looks even worse than when she
got mugged on the street,
basically. So, he gets a pep talk from
his brother, from Sam. And Sam is
basically like, you know, don't [ __ ]
this up. Like if you really like her, if
she is really genuinely worth it, then
start acting like it basically. Um,
so look at Sam kind of being cool and
chill after the initial
douchebaggeriness.
So, what I have left out and what
doesn't matter and I don't think it
comes up again really is that apparently
Maddie the bestie knows Sam very well
and it's been alluded to multiple times
that like he let somebody get away
and Maddie hates him
because
Yes.
Okay. Um, so that's all this setup going
on and that's part of this pep talk is
Sam like berating himself yet again for
whatever he did to Maddie. Um, and then
um, Simon realizes it's Valentine's Day.
Whoopsie. Oops. Daisy. And so then
the abruptness of everything in this
book is unmatched.
I know. And so then he like storms over
to his assistants because he has two and
one of them is like an older woman and
one of them is a younger woman and he's
like
tell me what to do for Valentine's Day
and he gets all kinds of tips from them.
And so uh Cara is at home. She's taking
a bath, contemplating her continued lack
of connection with Simon on a deeper
level, and how she doesn't understand
why he won't open up to her, which
obviously leads to her masturbating in
the tub. Um, and that's how Simon finds
her.
How How else would he find her? Right.
That feels accurate,
right? Right. Right. So, um, she
they get off together, like while he's
watching her, he also rubs one out and
she declares her love for him. And then
is like, "I'm really sorry that I pushed
you. I shouldn't have done that. I
shouldn't be withholding sex. I'm sorry.
I just really care about you." Whatever.
And wanted you to tell me. And you
wouldn't tell me cuz you didn't feel
safe enough yet. And I just thought
maybe withholding sex would make you
feel safe enough to tell me.
Sure, you get it. We're fostering a
sense of safe safety and trust.
Obviously,
yeah, that's like one of those moments
that like a couple would come in and
tell you that the situation is split out
and you're like, you look at Cara and be
like, "How did you think that was going
to go?"
Yep.
Cara.
Yep.
That is not how that works.
Nigh nigh.
No. Okay. and he very obviously does not
reciprocate her declaration of love.
Like she's now told him she loves him.
Well, I was going to say that wasn't the
first one time cuz it was in the
hospital too, right?
Mhm. Um, but he does say that he is
never letting her go and he does decide
to open up to her about the past and
gets into the bathtub with her
and he reveals that the girl he had a
crush on when he was younger
um, stabbed him while they were having
sex
um, as a revenge kill because his dad
owed some gang money. But then the dad
died before he could pay what he owed.
So this girl decided to stab Simon
midbone
as a revenge killing.
And that's why he needs people to be
tied up
of all of the places that could have
gone.
Yeah.
I as a 16-year-old like this was another
16-year-old who stabbed him.
She'd seen some [ __ ]
She's on what was that? Uh thin man [ __ ]
like
like Like what?
What?
So,
you know, to Simon's credit, that would
[ __ ] up your view of sex.
Yes, it would definitely have an impact.
Mhm.
And so, um, they are getting out of the
bath. They've really connected on all of
this. Cara is really grateful for
everything. And then she's like, "Oh, I
am thirsty though. I should get
something to drink." And Simon is like,
"Oh my god, I'm not taking care of you
and has like a full meltdown about her
being thirsty,
which feels like so much energy. It's
really cool. I can go get some water.
I have the technology.
Are they still in the tub?" They are
like getting out of the tub and she just
mentions, "I'm thirsty." And he's like,
"Unfucking acceptable." There are
without a doubt at least four sources of
water in that bathroom alone.
Like,
oh, okay. Sure.
Yep. Yep. So, they are walking into the
kitchen and carrot
she passes out again.
No,
he has set up an entire like Valentine's
Day wonderland.
There's like flower petals everywhere
and teddy bears. And
was he actually having a meltdown or was
that just to get her into the kitchen
for her surprise?
I It felt like it really was happening
and he like forgot that the gifts were
there. Was the energy because he was so
focused on her thirst.
So she also had gotten him um some silk
boxers.
Okay. And she oh I
she felt bad that he had gotten her so
many things and so she was like also
five wishes
and he immediately is like
oh I I forgot he also had put like
$100,000 in her bank account and was
like just in case rainy day fund lol
and she's like trying been trying to
give it back this whole time and so He's
immediately like, "I wish for you to
keep all the money."
Okay, touche, Simon. Well played.
And I wish for you to keep your security
detail. And she's like, "Okay,
all right."
And then they have sex
and they get you two wishes.
Yeah. He's saving the rest of them.
Of course he is.
Yeah. So they bang and she's on top and
it's all very emotional because he
didn't tie her up or restrain her or
anything. It's like a big big deal for
them in this moment.
And then
like
a couple of weeks later, I guess
they go to Disney cuz she had mentioned
she always wanted to go. So like for her
spring break, he takes her to Disney.
It's only about an hour away. I was
going to say, feels like you could have
done that at any time.
Well, he waited until she got a break
from school, Hannah.
No, I mean, she could have gone because
she's like she really wanted to go. I
was like,
girl, the cost of Disney. You think she
could afford that?
Well, I was thinking they have like
local discounts and they have like ways
to do it for not super
res It's a lot easier.
Yeah. And who doesn't know somebody who
works at Disney nearby
Tampa? Yeah.
And like hospitality industry
for sure.
I never worked in those and I knew
people who worked at Disney.
Yeah.
One of the funniest conversations was
one of the dudes who played Aladdin and
he was like,
"Yeah, we had an Aladdin meeting and
that was pretty trippy."
I was like, I've never conceptualized
that before that there's just like a
group of dudes who all have we're all
Aladdin similar enough aesthetic. Oh
god. Right. Right. I was like, "Oh,
touche." Similar but different would be
the time that I led a process group for
a group of severe and persistently ill,
mentally ill young men.
Mhm.
They were all actively psychotic.
Four of them believed they were Jesus
and one believed he was Satan. And I was
a baby therapist at the time, like fresh
out of school. And so I was kind of in a
panic about like how they were all going
to interact. I was like, are the Jesuses
going to fight?
Are they going to like form a coalition
against Satan? Like what's going to h
like I genuinely don't know.
But they all worked it out so they could
all be Jesus. They were like, "Oh, no,
no, no, no, no. You're the son of God.
I am the second coming. He is Jesus
reincarnated. And they had like a whole
thing where they were each a different
like aspect of Jesus.
Fascinating.
It was incredible.
And then the poor poor kid who believed
that he was Satan.
He was actually probably one of the most
precious individuals ever because he
really believed that if he made eye
contact with people that they would be
possessed. And so he refused to make eye
contact. And that was like
like a treatment goal that we had was
for him to be able to make eye contact.
But he was so quiet and so reserved cuz
he didn't want to hurt anybody that that
the Jesus's all left him alone.
And I think the biggest takeaway about
you being a baby therapist in that
situation is that as a baby therapist,
you really try to prepare yourself for
how to navigate that. You're like
researching techniques and you're like,
"Okay, we're going to all get through
this smooth." And then as a seasoned
therapist, you're like,
"There's not a single thing I can do to
prepare me for the other side of that
door.
We will navigate it as it comes."
Yep.
It will all be okay.
We are going to buckle the [ __ ] up and
we are going to figure it out.
Um, but
they're still at Disney. And this is
where he uses his last Valentine wish
cuz he had used the other two for other
things. He uses his last one um to ask
her to marry him.
So they are now engaged. Part four.
That was still part three.
Yep.
God damn.
Mine completely. That's the next one.
Well, okay.
A year has passed.
We're jumping ahead. Okay. And Carara
comes to Simon and says that they really
need to talk and she wants a prenup
and cuz they're still not married.
They're planning the wedding and
everything and they get into a huge
fight about it and I still don't
understand why. That's in my notes. It
says I don't understand why
why they're getting into a fight about a
prenup.
Yeah. because Simon doesn't want to sign
it. And Cara winds up sobbing and
running out of the room.
And then his brother shows up and his
brother is like, "Hey, maybe cool it.
Like, maybe leave her alone for a
minute. She seems really upset."
And it's like, what? What are we
fighting about?
I and mind you, I don't have a prenup,
nor have I been in a situation where
I've needed one. I'm not a tech
billionaire,
right?
But I do feel like from people I know
who have prenups and the general lay of
the lay of the land of a prenup.
Sure.
Um the person who would get upset is the
one who has assets
to protect.
Right.
And he he's saying, "I don't want to
protect my assets." Correct.
My assets are your assets. They're our
assets now.
Yeah.
Arrest development when Buster's like,
"I did refer to it as our nausea."
Lucille, too. Who has the vertigo?
Yeah. Yeah. So good. Um but yeah, why is
she upset?
Um well, it's because she's pregnant. uh
just had some
irrational hormonal
moment
because she is also really terrified
that Simon is going to be upset that
she's pregnant
and like think that she entrapped him or
something. And so that's why it was so
important to her to have the prenup in
place so that but I'm like that doesn't
change the fact that you're having his
child
and you've also been together for a year
at this point. I don't think it's
entrament when you've been engaged for a
year.
Right. Right. Um so she connects with
her best friend and kind of processes
about it a little bit more. It's
Valentine's Day cuz it's been a year.
Mhm.
And um she tells him that she's pregnant
at like their Valentine's Day dinner or
whatever. And Simon is so stoked. He is
so excited. This is the best news ever.
I've never been so happy. Has he said he
loves her at this point or just
proposed?
So I don't recall. That's not in my
notes anywhere.
Uhhuh.
Um
maybe within the last year.
Yeah, potentially. Maybe he said it
while they were getting engaged. Um, but
his primary focus is like Carara's
health. So, he's like, "I'm so excited
you're having a baby, but like, oh my
god, you're going to be in pain. Like,
labor hurts. I've heard I read about it.
I don't want you to be in pain." And
that's what he's like stuck on. I have a
coworker and when I was about to go into
labor with Ford, I was like, "Yeah, I
feel like everyone just wants to tell
you their like traumatic birthing
journeys and stories." And she goes, "I
wish my labor upon you." And I said,
"Tell me more about that."
This feels like the opposite of the
usual story.
She goes, "I went for my weekly check-in
with my OB. They told me it's time." So,
I drove home. I got my husband and our
bag. We drove back to the hospital. An
hour later, I had my C-section and had
my daughter. Lots of pain meds. Like,
incredible.
Yeah. She's like, "End of the story."
No, it's always like it was an emergency
C-section and then it's that the
C-section incision got
I pushed for 2 hours and then we had to
do a C-section,
crowned, so I had to do both recoveries.
Like, I've heard
Yes. horror.
Yeah. I'm like having someone to say, "I
wish my labor journey upon you." I'm
like,
"Oh,
right. Is that a threat?"
Right. I'm like be knowing the person it
was, I was like, "I need to hear this,
but it feels like a promise and less of
a threat from you."
I can take that.
Feels warm and comforting.
But I'm also like even if you ask me my
journey, I'm gonna make Yeah, I had an
epidural. My day was [ __ ] fantastic.
I laid on my side with that little
peanut ball between my legs watching
Brooklyn 999 and then they'd just turn
me over like a [ __ ] rotisserie
chicken and I'd be on the other side.
And that was great. What wasn't great
was when my epidural wore off and then
they were like, "You should probably try
pushing because you are fully ready to
push. If it doesn't work, I guess we can
call anesthesiology to come back." So,
my whole day was fully medicated and the
actual pushing was unmedicated.
I don't think you've ever told me that.
Yes. My epidural was not in effect by
the time I was actually pushing.
Feels like a gross oversight by
somebody.
To their credit, our the nurse our nurse
was a is a good friend of ours
and she told our midwife, she's like,
"Yeah, I'm going to call anesthesiology
in." And that's when our midwife looked
at me and she's like, "So, I also had
Ford when there was like that polar
vortex
and apparently the weather change pushed
a [ __ ] ton of people into labor.
I think mine was actually cuz my doctor
accidentally swept my membranes, but
that's another situation."
Uh so they were like anesthesiology is
so backed up right now that like you're
ready to Yeah. They're like
cuz I started pushing at like 8:00 and
he was born at 8:48.
Yes. And they were like if
anesthesiology needs to come back they
won't be here until after midnight.
So they were essentially like
you can try pushing if you want to and
if it doesn't go well we can we can call
them but like
At best
it'll be midnight when they get here. So
I was like, well,
let's try it.
Yeah.
And here we are.
Yeah.
But yeah, I'm like I wouldn't wish my
like and it wasn't even a bad situation.
But like everyone's story has the weird
that one weird moment.
Oh no, they're in pain.
Right.
Yeah. Right.
It's uncomfy to share your body with
another human.
even when you love him, it's just still
a weird thing.
And quite frankly, I birthed him. I did
not have that moment where I looked my
son in the eyes and was like, "You are
the sun, the moon, and the stars and
everything."
Yes.
I looked at him and legitimately I
remember thinking, "I don't know you."
And I'm like, I will, but like right now
I'm more obligated to you than anything.
Like, you might be super cool and I look
forward to finding that out.
Yeah.
And thank God he is super cool. He is
the sun, the moon, and the stars. And I
adore him with every fiber of my being,
and I'm obsessed with my son. And the in
the hospital, I was like,
"You got stuck on the dismount. It was
unmedicated. And you are a little alien.
I want a full night's sleep that I'm not
gonna get for [ __ ] months. Like, that
was my thought in the hospital, if I'm
being fully transparent.
Yeah.
Not. It was not beautiful. It was not
angelic.
The best part was that I'd washed my
hair the night before.
Oh, that is nice.
Yes. So, I had like nice hair. I put on
mascara. I felt like a real human.
H um when my when I was throwing my
sister's baby shower years and years
ago, I wanted to play a game called Porn
or Labor, which just had closeup
screenshots of women's faces.
Very good.
Yes. And my sister said, "That's easy.
Just look for the fake eyelashes."
So, we didn't play the game.
Oh my god.
Your sister might be a genius. She is
also a makeup artist and hair stylist,
so like locked in on that for sure. And
I'm like, you know, that's not a detail
I would have looked for.
Me either.
But it does make sense though.
I did have that thought though when I
put on mascara before going to the
hospital.
Oh, I'm really going to throw them off.
And
they're definitely going to think this
is porn.
They'll never know.
So Simon's terrified of the pain that
shall be caused.
Yeah. But um of course they then have
sexy times. So he ties himself up for
her to like prove that he trusts her.
We don't need a prenup. I'll tie myself
up for you during sex. Because his whole
thing
I read that in a Kanye song once. I
didn't. We won't prenup.
Sorry. Keep going.
It's going to be stuck in my head now.
It's been in my head for a while. I had
to share it.
So,
um, he says that basically when she
asked for the prenup, like it actually
hurt his feelings because it felt like
she was preparing for them to not work
out and she was more thinking she didn't
want him to think she was using him for
money. And I'm like, that ship
sailed
sailed so long ago.
Like, it's in Fiji by now, babe. Like,
it's gone.
Quite frankly, I wish that there had
just been like a month.
Yeah.
Not a year.
A year. Yeah. Well,
part five is a month.
Part five is Christmas. So, we're
jumping
Okay.
to Christmas.
So, we're jumping 10 months.
Yeah.
So,
or maybe even more than that actually
because
this one is mine for Christmas and Cara
and Simon are adjusting to having a
toddler. So, I think it's like actually
18 months later or like closer to 2
years later. Um, and Cara is feeling
very insecure and in her head because
um, the sexy times are less passionate
and he doesn't seem to be as into it as
he was pre-baby.
And um, she's self-conscious about her
physical appearance after having a kid
and stuff, which is totally
understandable. Um, and
as is your sexual dynamic changing after
you have a kid.
Yeah. Yeah. And they wind up arguing
about having another baby. Like she's
talking about like maybe I want to have
another one. And Simon is like I can't
watch you be in pain like that again.
And he's like angry at the idea of her
giving birth again.
And then
they have sex in the elevator and he's
like,
"Do do they have any conflict resolution
skills at all?"
They really don't. Because basically
he's like, "See, I still find you sexy.
I've been like trying to be gentle
because you know, you've been giving
attention to our daughter or whatever,
but like if you're ready to get it, I'm
ready to give it." And
18 months in, one would hope you're
ready to both get it and give it,
right? And he's like, "I will prove to
you that this body is still just as
attractive as it has always been." And
so he bangs her in the elevator.
And then
there is a kid at the free clinic where
Cara still volunteers.
Um
did she finish her degree?
She did.
Yay.
And um the kid has diabetes and has been
in and out of the um free clinic quite
often. and his mom is an addict of some
kind. And so Cara has been really
worried about this kid. And she gets a
call that that kid's mother has
overdosed and the kid is in the hospital
because he essentially went into a
diabetic coma because his mom had passed
away. It's all very sad.
Yeah. And so Cara feels terrible for
interrupting their date night or
whatever to go to the hospital, but
Simon is like, "Of course."
I think that's a legitimate reason to
interrupt your date night.
Yeah, cuz this kid has nobody. Like no
other family. They didn't the hospital
didn't know who to call. And so um they
go hang out with this kid in the
hospital and like that's how they spend
their date night. Um, and then like
there's more. I'm not going to go into
every single one because there's more
just randomly. And then they have sex in
the shower and then they have sex here
and then and it's like so I'm just we're
just skating past some of this
but essentially it's a week later. Timmy
is the kid who is in the hospital.
Simon has been spending time with him
kind of like every day after work. He
goes and checks on him.
They're going to legally adopt him.
They're going to legally adopt him. Yes,
you're totally right. Because um they
can't find placement for him. So they're
like, "Well, he's going to have to go to
a group home." And Simon is like,
"Absolutely not. We could never. This is
my son."
And so they decide to foster to adopt
him.
And um there's this whole situation
where they're like, "It's Christmas.
We're gonna get like a Santa
impersonator to come leave gifts in like
the pool house or whatever they have.
They're staying somewhere else. And so,
you know, the kids like a year old.
Well, no, the the other kid is seven.
The one they're adopting
that they got 2 days after.
Literally
2 days after.
Literally. Literally. They were like,
"You're coming home with us." And it's
like, okay, who needs a home visit when
you're a billionaire?
Probably. Probably the billionaire.
Yeah, you probably need it.
Need two home visits.
Ironically, I do still have a lot of
friends back in the Tampa Bay area that
uh are that are involved with foster
care that are advocates, like great
organizations in Tampa Bay. have several
friends that have adopted out of foster
care in Tampa as well. Like a really
cool foster community in Tampa that I
had not
anticipated.
Yeah.
That's pretty awesome.
Yeah.
They're they're going to become a part
of this community.
Well, I they I and I love that for them.
I think really it's more of the the
logistically how is Timmy going to see
Santa drop the gifts? Like that's
so there's like a whole ass sleigh and
reindeer in the yard because this is
Florida and so there's not like a
fireplace for him to come down the
chimney or whatever.
Also, he lives in a penthouse apartment.
Where's the [ __ ] yard?
Well, that's what I'm saying. I'm like I
think they're at Sam's house.
Like I think they're staying with Sam in
his actual house that has a pool house
or something. But regardless,
like she Cara and Maddie who is now with
Sam in this
Cara and Maddie had like set up this
whole Christmas thing or whatever.
And so each of them thought the other
one hired a Santa impersonator and
neither one did. We find out. So they're
like, "Oh my god, it's really Santa. He
brought us gifts we wanted when we were
also children."
So incredible.
And then it cuts to the epilogue and
you're like, "Wait a minute."
They go, "Oh, Santa is real." Is that
was not the takeaway I anticipated from
this whole series.
Right? Like, excuse the [ __ ] out of me.
Where did Santa come from?
What?
So then it's the epilogue.
The adoption has been finalized. Timmy
is very happy.
Probably only took 14 days with how
they're going.
He's already a great big brother
to his little toddler sister.
And it's a happily ever after. We
finally
we've we're we're finally settled now.
It's Sam or not Sam, Simon and Cara.
Solid.
And Timmy and their other little one.
Yeah. Whose name I didn't write down.
And I remember
the great news about adopting Timmy is
Simon never has to see Cara go through
physical pain with labor again.
Correct. Yeah. Mhm.
That's the dumbest reason.
Scratches her itch for another kid.
And hear me, Timmy needed a good home.
No one's no one's upset about them
adopting Timmy. I'm just like
that that's not a reason to adopt.
No.
No. I feel like much of what Simon does
is like that's not a reason to do that.
Like I'm worried about her walking home
every night in the dark on the Tampa
streets. I should follow her.
Some might call that stalking, my dude.
Yeah.
But she seemed to find it endearing when
she found out about it.
She did. Yeah.
And isn't that really
the crux of it? If they're hot, it's
sweet.
Yeah.
If they're not hot.
Nope.
They're stalkers.
I almost just made a true crime
reference.
Wasn't necessary.
Well, now you've left me intrigued.
What's our rating system?
Um, oh gosh.
Wishes. No, that's nothing. Video games,
joysticks,
that's
wishes. No, that's nothing.
We could do joysticks.
We could do their shared love of gaming.
Sure. Um,
their shared love of Super Smash Bros.
We'll go out of five because there were
five parts.
Feels apppropo. Um, I'm going to do
probs a two.
Yeah. And maybe the button on top like
And one button that's popped off. That's
popped off. Right. Well, I was thinking
cuz it separated from,
you know, the joystick.
I think two
Yeah.
is appropriate.
Yeah,
there was plot.
There was plot. It was very messy.
It was everything I always need Jan to
be.
Oh, I forgot. They did catch the robbers
eventually. I totally forgot about that.
They did get caught.
So, we love that they're officially safe
again. Yeah, there's that.
Especially if they have kids now.
You need to make sure you're safe.
Yeah, two feels right.
Yeah.
Two wishes.
That's nothing.
Two me workshopping with myself.
Two joysticks and a button.
That's it. That's the one.
It's okay. I think our last episode I
said four and a half bears. You got to
guess which half. Uh so
we did not workshop that.
Oh, we never workshop any of this, which
is why you're just part of the process.
So, welcome to that.
Yeah. It's like you're sitting in our
living room with us having this
conversation about books.
It's like a It's like a smut club.
Oh [ __ ] Oh [ __ ]
And on that note, please engage with us,
fellow smut club engagers.
That's also nothing.
That's also nothing. Don't forget to
like, subscribe, rate, comment. Let us
know what what you would like us to
review next. Let us know how you feel
about our girl Jan.
Uh, we love her.
We do. We really do.
She's the best.
Mhm.
And we can't wait to see you next time.
Bye, smut [ __ ]
Bye.
Well, that's it for this week, Smut
[ __ ] We hope it was good for you cuz
it sure was great for us. If you're
digging what we're doing, it would mean
a lot if you'd take a minute to rate and
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you next week. Stay smiley.
[Applause]
[Music]