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So someone I really care about was hurt

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a couple weeks ago, and I talked to them on the

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phone and we had a good conversation. It was positive, but I wanted to

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spend more time with them because they were hurting and

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they wanted more space. But I got angry inside.

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I didn't react that way. In fact, I was able in that

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moment to. Instead of getting angry and lashing out, I

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called a friend and I processed it. And I realized, you know, I was making

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it about me. That was what was driving my anger when it was really about

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them.

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I thought about doing a podcast on this topic, and that's what I'm going to

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do today. It's about don't make it about yourself. Three

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lessons. This is the Decide youe Legacy podcast. This is episode number

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150, big one here. So I've been doing this for

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over four years, and by the end of

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this podcast, you're going to be inspired to stay

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calm in situations where you are potentially making it about

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yourself and not, and then learn how to lean in

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and give other people what they need in that situation. You'll have ideas on

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how you can interact with people, physical people, and conversation,

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and ideas on how you can respond to emails, not making it

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about yourself, making it about them. So I'm Adam Gragg. I've been a

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family therapist and legacy Coach for over 25 years. I founded

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Decide youe Legacy in 2012. We're a corporate development

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and legacy coaching firm. Our purpose

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is to empower every person and organization

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to live with courage. So, as I do in every

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episode, I want to start talking about an uncomfortable action that I took

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recently. Real one that I took. And because

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nothing is more important to your mental health than living

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courageously, nothing's more damaging than just playing it safe.

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So what I did is in that specific situation, I

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didn't lash out. I wanted to. I wanted to express my

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hurt. You should want to talk to me. You should want to spend time with

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me. Instead. Instead, I stayed

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calm and I called my buddy. And then I

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realized, ate some humble pie. I realized that I can do

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that in a lot of interactions. When I feel anger, it's

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because I'm making it about my feelings and not about what the other

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person is actually going through. So here's the action I want you to start

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with. How do you make it about yourself when it's

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actually about the other person? Is it with your kids? Is it when

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someone tells you no? Is it when things don't actually go your way? You.

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You're focusing on you and you're in this

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moment, maybe in this podcast, you're having to actually do some soul

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searching and eat some humble pie yourself. You'll realize

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in situations where it was derailed because you

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took it personally, it was your hurt when it was really about

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somebody else. So when someone mistreats

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you and, or when somebody's sad, when somebody's

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angry, do you want to fix it? I do. A lot

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of times, if you're anything like me, you're in situations

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where you're compelled, at least you feel compelled to go

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ahead and jump in and you're focused on how you feel

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and not how the other person is feeling. So you're going to learn about

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emotional health, emotional intelligence today and learn

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how to not make it about you and realize

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it's not about you. Okay? So these three lessons

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you're going to learn today and you're going to see and I can

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see that I can get very selfish. And when I do that, when I take

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it personally, I'm giving my power away to that situation. I'm

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reacting, I'm getting in the gutter, I'm hitting bowling a gutter ball and

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it's not doing me any good. When I realize it's not about me, then I

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take back that power and I have much more ability

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to stay calm and to actually ask questions and be

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curious. So the very first lesson is that it's actually

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about them. It's about them.

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Have you had people in your life who listen to you?

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It's powerful when they make it about

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you. I have had people in my life that way. My grandfather was

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one of them. He would listen and he would not give

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me direct feedback until he understood. It's about what the

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other person is going through, what they have experienced. One thing to keep

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in mind is paying attention to other people's lives

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is a secret to success. It's actually far,

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far better to be interested in other people

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than to be interesting to other people.

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When you listen, you grow. When you learn,

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you grow. I can think

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of times where I'm going to speak or do a podcast

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and when I make it about myself, I'm

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trying to share impressive stories. I'm trying to be funny.

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I'm try, try, try. It's all about me. It's all about how they react to

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me. Do they like my social media posts? Do they react

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to me the way I want them to react to me? It's selfish and self

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focused, but that's actually incredibly draining. I find

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that when I make it about and I realize it's about them. I

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enjoy the interaction much better. I enjoy speaking at a much higher level.

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I still have to be prepared and do my own job to get ready and

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show up and rehearse. But it's more fun

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because I know it's actually about them and helping

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them in whatever situation they're going through.

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You can practice doing kind things to other

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people without actually being found out. That's a way to not make

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it about yourself. It takes the even the opportunity to make it

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about yourself, away from the situation. It's tempting

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to want recognition. I get it. I get

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it. But you won't be offended if they don't

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give you recognition because you didn't do it for that reason in the first place.

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You can practice that. And when you start realizing that it's about

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them, you gain understanding. You listen,

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you learn, and then you start making progress. You start

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growing. And that's the second lesson. The

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second lesson that I've learned by eating some humble pie is that

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it's not only is it about them, it's about growth.

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This situation is about growth. The

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more I contribute to other people's lives, the better

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my life gets. And if I intentionally move

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the emphasis away from what's in it for me

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to what's in it for them and remember this

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backdrop of I'm actually going to be able to grow through this,

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then it changes the whole dynamic of the interaction. I bet you can

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relate to this. You have people in your life who tend to

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bait you. Maybe they do it intentionally, maybe they don't do it

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intentionally, but they do it consistently. And you

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can either take the bait or not take the bait. But, you know, a lot

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of these interactions with people that you care about or that you're close to, or

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people that maybe you don't even actually like, or you're distant with, but they

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continually do things, and you know you're going to step into that situation where they're

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going to bait you. Well, when you realize that it's actually about

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growth, then you're also going to realize that this is a

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chance for you to grow. And how you react to this situation is a chance

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for you to grow. Now you can lash out, which I think of the word

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reaction as being negative. There's a very small space between that

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thing that irritates me, the bait, and then what I actually

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do, my action. There's a small space because I'm not

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intentionally choosing to make the space bigger by knowing what I'm actually

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dealing with. A response is where there's actually a big space,

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and you're doing things to increase that space. You have

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actions that, you know, work. Being prepared could

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be one of them. Journaling could be one of them. Breathing can be one of

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them. But it gives you the ability to make an intentional versus an

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unintentional reaction in small space. An intentional reaction is what we're talking

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about here. When you realize it's about growth, you're going to be able to intentionally

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react and not lash out and not internalize and release it.

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And remember that they're trying to bait you. Not even knowing it, they're trying

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to bait you. And you don't have to actually get consumed by it. So rather

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than getting consumed by it, you can be grateful for it because it's an

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opportunity for you to realize that you can handle these difficult

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situations. Politicians who I find that are successful, they

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can learn to do this. They remember it's about growth, and they can stay on

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the growth path. So that whiteboard I

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talked about in two episodes ago that I show clients, as I put in the

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very top right corner, ideal, and this is their ideal growth

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in their life. How do you want your life to be in a year? How

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do you want your relationship to be in a year? How do you want your

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health to be in a year? And then on the bottom, I put word today,

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and I draw a squiggly line from today to

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that ideal. And if you stay on the line,

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above the line, growing, then you're going to be making

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progress. Below the line is the drama that you can get consumed

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in when you make it about you. You're getting consumed into the drama. When

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you realize it's about them and what they're going through. You're not going to be

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consumed by the drama. You're staying above the line and you're making progress.

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I had a situation on Easter where I

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wanted some family to do things that I wanted to

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do, to engage in activities that I wanted to engage

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in. In fact, to have a meal at a time when I wanted to have

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the meal and my schedule I had arranged in a certain

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way. And it didn't happen the way I wanted it. I was making it about

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myself. I wasn't taking into consideration them in that

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situation. And I got pretty discouraged by it. I got pretty down

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about it. But I was making it about me, not

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growth. It was not about me, it was about them. And it was an opportunity

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for me to grow, to realize I can listen and try to understand where they're

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coming from and not react and step back and talk to friends and do

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things that were healthy to help me have an

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intentional response. And a big part

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of this lesson of realizing it's about growth is also

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realizing that it's going to grow your relationships

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when you don't make it about yourself. And that's the third

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lesson, is it's not about me, it's about

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them. And it's about connection. It's about growth. It's about

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connection. So you can resolve that in any

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interaction. And I mean any interaction you can resolve, which means you're

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committing, you're deciding that the other person is going to leave that

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interaction actually feeling encouraged, feeling better about

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themselves than when that conversation had actually started. When you

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realize that it's about them, you can realize it's also about connection with

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them. And you can make it

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your goal to lead the conversation in a way where it's

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directed at helping them to feel better, to achieve some

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goal, to make progress and not get consumed in the drama. You have the

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ability to do that. That's a great lesson.

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It's also very empowering. So when people are struggling and they're emotional

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and they're even critical of you and they're mean, you can see

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it as actually as an opportunity,

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not an obstacle. You can show empathy for what other

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people are going through. I grew

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up in a situation where I didn't always feel seen

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and heard. It's partly being a middle child, partly having a younger brother

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who's four and a half years younger, partly my

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personality, partly what I had gone through. And I would perform

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athletically. I would even brag about myself. I would do things to get

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attention. I would do all kinds of things. Some of

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them were actually positive. But if I realize now and think

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back that I still have that tendency to want to

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impress, then I have more space from it and I'm not

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consumed by it. It's helpful. And then I realize

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that that insecurity and anxiety isn't going to lead me towards better

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relationships. So I can calm myself. I

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can handle it in a much more appropriate way.

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Another example, and I bet you can relate to this at some level, is

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socially, that if I am afraid of

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somebody, if I'm trying to control the outcome. So let's say

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that I'm trying in a business meeting to impress people or impress

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a client. I want it to go in a certain way. I can be a

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good leader trying to make sure it's centered on them and getting information and

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understanding, or I can make it centered on me and channel

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the conversation into what I can get out of the conversation. And then

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I'm hypersensitive. I become very calculated in my interacting with

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them because I don't want it to get. I don't want to get it to

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go bad. I want them to leave inspired. So there's a. There's a

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balance between that. If you're in your heart with a heart of peace,

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you're making it about connecting with them and growing the relationship. Then you're going

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to be able to let go of that and even point out things that they

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don't necessarily want to hear, but build the relationship. You're honest with them

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about stuff that you see, which is what a good friend does in a kind

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way, with a heart of peace. It's a skill you build, but you have this

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inclination that this is a healthy. Not a spontaneous

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reaction, but it's a healthy. You're inspired

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within to share something that you believe could be helpful with them. And it may

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be hard to hear, but you're challenging them. That's a courageous action.

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It's not calculated because you didn't prepare for it. It just came to you in

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the moment. That's what builds relationships. It's not driven by anxiety,

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it's driven by courage. Courage is the antidote to

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anxiety. And the more you're courageous, the more you

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draw other courageous people to you. The more you're anxious, the

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more anxiety is contagious and you draw. You create

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anxious situations with people because you're trying to

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control. So sometimes when I try to plan

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things with friends and family, I can get controlling, and I

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don't want to experience the resistance that other people have. When I realize it's about

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growth and it's about connection, then even if they say no,

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I'm willing to still engage. I'm willing to still do the thing that can connect

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people, invite people, plan things. Because that's playing the

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long game. When you realize it's about growth, you're able to step back from

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it and play the long game. In your relationships, in your career and the decisions

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you make because you make hard decisions, you'll address things

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that you're potentially avoiding. You'll face stuff.

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And instead of being grouchy when people don't want to do what you want to

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do, you're going to stay calm, inspired,

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and stay the course, remembering that it's not about you,

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it's all about them and their fear in that situation.

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Then you stay out of the drama and you stay moving towards the progress.

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So you have three Lessons to learn. It's

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not about you, it's not about me, it's about them. That's lesson number one. It's

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about growth. That's lesson number two. It's about relationships. That's lesson

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number three. So what's one specific piece of insight

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that you gained from today in this episode,

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episode number 150 that you can apply by the end of the

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day? Do something with that insight.

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That's how it sticks. Teach it to somebody else.

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And if you found this helpful, check out

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Shatterproof. Seven small steps to a Giant leap in Mental

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health. In your mental health. These are

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actions and whiteboards and content I've used with clients for over

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25 years, thousands of clients.

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Stuff that will help you, you go through this self paced

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course. Check it out. Hit the link below as well. So

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insight which you hopefully, which I know if you were

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listening, you gained today, that's just 20% of change.

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Action is 80%. A good

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plan that you act on is a hundred times better than

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a perfect plan that you sit on and perfectionate

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about. There's no positive change until you decide

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to change. Decide today because your legacy depends on it.

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And to decide means that you're eliminating

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other options. Your legacy is the impact that

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your life has on other people. So do me a Favor, episode

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number 150. Share this episode with a friend,

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letting him know what was helpful to you specifically, that's a vulnerable

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thing. It helped me in this way because I can make it

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about me. Check it out so and give it a

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rating and review on Apple or Spotify. That really helps

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it to grow organically, to help and reach

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more people. So I want to go ahead and close the way I always do.

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Live the life today that you want to be remembered for 10 years

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after you're gone. You decide your legacy, nobody else.

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And either you will decide your legacy or by default, fear is

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going to decide it for you. Live courageously. I appreciate you greatly

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and I'll see you next time.