So someone I really care about was hurt
a couple weeks ago, and I talked to them on the
phone and we had a good conversation. It was positive, but I wanted to
spend more time with them because they were hurting and
they wanted more space. But I got angry inside.
I didn't react that way. In fact, I was able in that
moment to. Instead of getting angry and lashing out, I
called a friend and I processed it. And I realized, you know, I was making
it about me. That was what was driving my anger when it was really about
them.
I thought about doing a podcast on this topic, and that's what I'm going to
do today. It's about don't make it about yourself. Three
lessons. This is the Decide youe Legacy podcast. This is episode number
150, big one here. So I've been doing this for
over four years, and by the end of
this podcast, you're going to be inspired to stay
calm in situations where you are potentially making it about
yourself and not, and then learn how to lean in
and give other people what they need in that situation. You'll have ideas on
how you can interact with people, physical people, and conversation,
and ideas on how you can respond to emails, not making it
about yourself, making it about them. So I'm Adam Gragg. I've been a
family therapist and legacy Coach for over 25 years. I founded
Decide youe Legacy in 2012. We're a corporate development
and legacy coaching firm. Our purpose
is to empower every person and organization
to live with courage. So, as I do in every
episode, I want to start talking about an uncomfortable action that I took
recently. Real one that I took. And because
nothing is more important to your mental health than living
courageously, nothing's more damaging than just playing it safe.
So what I did is in that specific situation, I
didn't lash out. I wanted to. I wanted to express my
hurt. You should want to talk to me. You should want to spend time with
me. Instead. Instead, I stayed
calm and I called my buddy. And then I
realized, ate some humble pie. I realized that I can do
that in a lot of interactions. When I feel anger, it's
because I'm making it about my feelings and not about what the other
person is actually going through. So here's the action I want you to start
with. How do you make it about yourself when it's
actually about the other person? Is it with your kids? Is it when
someone tells you no? Is it when things don't actually go your way? You.
You're focusing on you and you're in this
moment, maybe in this podcast, you're having to actually do some soul
searching and eat some humble pie yourself. You'll realize
in situations where it was derailed because you
took it personally, it was your hurt when it was really about
somebody else. So when someone mistreats
you and, or when somebody's sad, when somebody's
angry, do you want to fix it? I do. A lot
of times, if you're anything like me, you're in situations
where you're compelled, at least you feel compelled to go
ahead and jump in and you're focused on how you feel
and not how the other person is feeling. So you're going to learn about
emotional health, emotional intelligence today and learn
how to not make it about you and realize
it's not about you. Okay? So these three lessons
you're going to learn today and you're going to see and I can
see that I can get very selfish. And when I do that, when I take
it personally, I'm giving my power away to that situation. I'm
reacting, I'm getting in the gutter, I'm hitting bowling a gutter ball and
it's not doing me any good. When I realize it's not about me, then I
take back that power and I have much more ability
to stay calm and to actually ask questions and be
curious. So the very first lesson is that it's actually
about them. It's about them.
Have you had people in your life who listen to you?
It's powerful when they make it about
you. I have had people in my life that way. My grandfather was
one of them. He would listen and he would not give
me direct feedback until he understood. It's about what the
other person is going through, what they have experienced. One thing to keep
in mind is paying attention to other people's lives
is a secret to success. It's actually far,
far better to be interested in other people
than to be interesting to other people.
When you listen, you grow. When you learn,
you grow. I can think
of times where I'm going to speak or do a podcast
and when I make it about myself, I'm
trying to share impressive stories. I'm trying to be funny.
I'm try, try, try. It's all about me. It's all about how they react to
me. Do they like my social media posts? Do they react
to me the way I want them to react to me? It's selfish and self
focused, but that's actually incredibly draining. I find
that when I make it about and I realize it's about them. I
enjoy the interaction much better. I enjoy speaking at a much higher level.
I still have to be prepared and do my own job to get ready and
show up and rehearse. But it's more fun
because I know it's actually about them and helping
them in whatever situation they're going through.
You can practice doing kind things to other
people without actually being found out. That's a way to not make
it about yourself. It takes the even the opportunity to make it
about yourself, away from the situation. It's tempting
to want recognition. I get it. I get
it. But you won't be offended if they don't
give you recognition because you didn't do it for that reason in the first place.
You can practice that. And when you start realizing that it's about
them, you gain understanding. You listen,
you learn, and then you start making progress. You start
growing. And that's the second lesson. The
second lesson that I've learned by eating some humble pie is that
it's not only is it about them, it's about growth.
This situation is about growth. The
more I contribute to other people's lives, the better
my life gets. And if I intentionally move
the emphasis away from what's in it for me
to what's in it for them and remember this
backdrop of I'm actually going to be able to grow through this,
then it changes the whole dynamic of the interaction. I bet you can
relate to this. You have people in your life who tend to
bait you. Maybe they do it intentionally, maybe they don't do it
intentionally, but they do it consistently. And you
can either take the bait or not take the bait. But, you know, a lot
of these interactions with people that you care about or that you're close to, or
people that maybe you don't even actually like, or you're distant with, but they
continually do things, and you know you're going to step into that situation where they're
going to bait you. Well, when you realize that it's actually about
growth, then you're also going to realize that this is a
chance for you to grow. And how you react to this situation is a chance
for you to grow. Now you can lash out, which I think of the word
reaction as being negative. There's a very small space between that
thing that irritates me, the bait, and then what I actually
do, my action. There's a small space because I'm not
intentionally choosing to make the space bigger by knowing what I'm actually
dealing with. A response is where there's actually a big space,
and you're doing things to increase that space. You have
actions that, you know, work. Being prepared could
be one of them. Journaling could be one of them. Breathing can be one of
them. But it gives you the ability to make an intentional versus an
unintentional reaction in small space. An intentional reaction is what we're talking
about here. When you realize it's about growth, you're going to be able to intentionally
react and not lash out and not internalize and release it.
And remember that they're trying to bait you. Not even knowing it, they're trying
to bait you. And you don't have to actually get consumed by it. So rather
than getting consumed by it, you can be grateful for it because it's an
opportunity for you to realize that you can handle these difficult
situations. Politicians who I find that are successful, they
can learn to do this. They remember it's about growth, and they can stay on
the growth path. So that whiteboard I
talked about in two episodes ago that I show clients, as I put in the
very top right corner, ideal, and this is their ideal growth
in their life. How do you want your life to be in a year? How
do you want your relationship to be in a year? How do you want your
health to be in a year? And then on the bottom, I put word today,
and I draw a squiggly line from today to
that ideal. And if you stay on the line,
above the line, growing, then you're going to be making
progress. Below the line is the drama that you can get consumed
in when you make it about you. You're getting consumed into the drama. When
you realize it's about them and what they're going through. You're not going to be
consumed by the drama. You're staying above the line and you're making progress.
I had a situation on Easter where I
wanted some family to do things that I wanted to
do, to engage in activities that I wanted to engage
in. In fact, to have a meal at a time when I wanted to have
the meal and my schedule I had arranged in a certain
way. And it didn't happen the way I wanted it. I was making it about
myself. I wasn't taking into consideration them in that
situation. And I got pretty discouraged by it. I got pretty down
about it. But I was making it about me, not
growth. It was not about me, it was about them. And it was an opportunity
for me to grow, to realize I can listen and try to understand where they're
coming from and not react and step back and talk to friends and do
things that were healthy to help me have an
intentional response. And a big part
of this lesson of realizing it's about growth is also
realizing that it's going to grow your relationships
when you don't make it about yourself. And that's the third
lesson, is it's not about me, it's about
them. And it's about connection. It's about growth. It's about
connection. So you can resolve that in any
interaction. And I mean any interaction you can resolve, which means you're
committing, you're deciding that the other person is going to leave that
interaction actually feeling encouraged, feeling better about
themselves than when that conversation had actually started. When you
realize that it's about them, you can realize it's also about connection with
them. And you can make it
your goal to lead the conversation in a way where it's
directed at helping them to feel better, to achieve some
goal, to make progress and not get consumed in the drama. You have the
ability to do that. That's a great lesson.
It's also very empowering. So when people are struggling and they're emotional
and they're even critical of you and they're mean, you can see
it as actually as an opportunity,
not an obstacle. You can show empathy for what other
people are going through. I grew
up in a situation where I didn't always feel seen
and heard. It's partly being a middle child, partly having a younger brother
who's four and a half years younger, partly my
personality, partly what I had gone through. And I would perform
athletically. I would even brag about myself. I would do things to get
attention. I would do all kinds of things. Some of
them were actually positive. But if I realize now and think
back that I still have that tendency to want to
impress, then I have more space from it and I'm not
consumed by it. It's helpful. And then I realize
that that insecurity and anxiety isn't going to lead me towards better
relationships. So I can calm myself. I
can handle it in a much more appropriate way.
Another example, and I bet you can relate to this at some level, is
socially, that if I am afraid of
somebody, if I'm trying to control the outcome. So let's say
that I'm trying in a business meeting to impress people or impress
a client. I want it to go in a certain way. I can be a
good leader trying to make sure it's centered on them and getting information and
understanding, or I can make it centered on me and channel
the conversation into what I can get out of the conversation. And then
I'm hypersensitive. I become very calculated in my interacting with
them because I don't want it to get. I don't want to get it to
go bad. I want them to leave inspired. So there's a. There's a
balance between that. If you're in your heart with a heart of peace,
you're making it about connecting with them and growing the relationship. Then you're going
to be able to let go of that and even point out things that they
don't necessarily want to hear, but build the relationship. You're honest with them
about stuff that you see, which is what a good friend does in a kind
way, with a heart of peace. It's a skill you build, but you have this
inclination that this is a healthy. Not a spontaneous
reaction, but it's a healthy. You're inspired
within to share something that you believe could be helpful with them. And it may
be hard to hear, but you're challenging them. That's a courageous action.
It's not calculated because you didn't prepare for it. It just came to you in
the moment. That's what builds relationships. It's not driven by anxiety,
it's driven by courage. Courage is the antidote to
anxiety. And the more you're courageous, the more you
draw other courageous people to you. The more you're anxious, the
more anxiety is contagious and you draw. You create
anxious situations with people because you're trying to
control. So sometimes when I try to plan
things with friends and family, I can get controlling, and I
don't want to experience the resistance that other people have. When I realize it's about
growth and it's about connection, then even if they say no,
I'm willing to still engage. I'm willing to still do the thing that can connect
people, invite people, plan things. Because that's playing the
long game. When you realize it's about growth, you're able to step back from
it and play the long game. In your relationships, in your career and the decisions
you make because you make hard decisions, you'll address things
that you're potentially avoiding. You'll face stuff.
And instead of being grouchy when people don't want to do what you want to
do, you're going to stay calm, inspired,
and stay the course, remembering that it's not about you,
it's all about them and their fear in that situation.
Then you stay out of the drama and you stay moving towards the progress.
So you have three Lessons to learn. It's
not about you, it's not about me, it's about them. That's lesson number one. It's
about growth. That's lesson number two. It's about relationships. That's lesson
number three. So what's one specific piece of insight
that you gained from today in this episode,
episode number 150 that you can apply by the end of the
day? Do something with that insight.
That's how it sticks. Teach it to somebody else.
And if you found this helpful, check out
Shatterproof. Seven small steps to a Giant leap in Mental
health. In your mental health. These are
actions and whiteboards and content I've used with clients for over
25 years, thousands of clients.
Stuff that will help you, you go through this self paced
course. Check it out. Hit the link below as well. So
insight which you hopefully, which I know if you were
listening, you gained today, that's just 20% of change.
Action is 80%. A good
plan that you act on is a hundred times better than
a perfect plan that you sit on and perfectionate
about. There's no positive change until you decide
to change. Decide today because your legacy depends on it.
And to decide means that you're eliminating
other options. Your legacy is the impact that
your life has on other people. So do me a Favor, episode
number 150. Share this episode with a friend,
letting him know what was helpful to you specifically, that's a vulnerable
thing. It helped me in this way because I can make it
about me. Check it out so and give it a
rating and review on Apple or Spotify. That really helps
it to grow organically, to help and reach
more people. So I want to go ahead and close the way I always do.
Live the life today that you want to be remembered for 10 years
after you're gone. You decide your legacy, nobody else.
And either you will decide your legacy or by default, fear is
going to decide it for you. Live courageously. I appreciate you greatly
and I'll see you next time.