Buckle up, hotties. It's time to talk some hoops. Welcome to Crunchwears No Pants with Brandon, Nate, and Jordan. Ho ho ho. Welcome to Santa Wears No Pants.

We're the bosses of the hoops department. Boltonsports.com. Make your home page. I'm Jordan. That's Brandon.

That's Kai. Wolf of box scores. And it's Christmas. Merry Christmas. I hope you're eating cookies and stuff.

We figured we could just go through the roster because we love the Timberwolves. They give us the gift of basketball and community via wolves Twitter night in and night out for the last four years. So I figured we could give them gifts and we could brainstorm what we would give each player on the roster. You might be like, wow. They must have put a lot of thought into this.

This thought came to me fifteen minutes ago.

Sprung this on us after we just finished recording another episode.

No. This is live. You know that new technology we have where it's live, but it's in your feed?

Yeah. That's true.

I wanna just go around. Round Robin, what what would you guys give Timberwolves players this year? Kai, do you have one off the rip? It feels like you're ready to improv.

A little bit. Like, it's kind of a theory that I've had for a long time, and I don't know if this is really a giftable thing, but, like, I want to give Rudy Gobert a mustache. I think

that, like,

I think, like, his game would reach a new level if he was bald and just had, like, a super thick mustache and was just like, I I don't really know what it can do for him. Maybe it unlocks that three point potential.

Hang on. But he has a he has a beard and mustache. So are you giving are you giving him clippers just to

Have you considered have you considered the fact that Rudy Gobert has made his shape?

Has given Rudy Gobert the shit quattro. Yeah.

Some nair or something. I think that might

be

more appropriate. But, yeah, just the ability to only rock the mustache. I just think that it would just be, like, so badass. I would like dude, imagine, like, some sort of poster where he's just, you know, just posed up, you know, in your room rocking just a mustache. I would have that as a centerpiece of my home.

So I just think you should go look at Rudy Gobert photos when he was like young with their Utah Jazz. He has a very weird shaped head. The beard really normalizes Rudy's head a lot.

That's any man though. Like any man. Right. Like I got a weird head going on and the beard saves me.

Yeah. Would never shave this beard. You would you guys

would Guys,

Rudy go there's Rudy gobert with a goatee picture.

Oh, man. No. Send it.

Hey, put it on Twitter right now. Tweet it from the pod account. No context. Rudy Gobert goatee.

I'm posting it from the pod Oh, ridiculous.

Insane. I have a gift for Rob Dillingham.

Oh, man. I mentioned confidence?

Yeah. Kind of. I would give him the box set of the anime Haikyuu. Now Haikyuu is is an anime I've mentioned my wife put me on. It's about a high school volleyball team and the whole message is just to practice, work hard, and believe in yourself.

And when I watch this anime, I feel like I could sprint up a mountain. And I cheer for this the Caracino Crows the same way I cheer for the Timberwolves. I think Rob could learn a lot from Hinata Shoyo from the concrete. So I'm giving him a box set of Haikyuu. You guys don't care, though.

No. That's I mean, I don't know anything about this show. You've been trying to get me to watch this show for a long time.

It would be it it would change your life. Haikyu is incredible. But it's not as funny as Kai's. Kai's very funny and I'm I'm kind of on the shit list right now because I didn't respond to Kai's tweets. I Yeah.

You have to be you careful. To

You don't wanna get strike three with Kai.

Yeah. It's gonna be it's gonna be bad. Yeah. I'm gonna add something with you and the the Pibb company. I'm gonna get in the way I'm gonna get in the way of that.

You're gonna sabotage the brand deal?

Yeah. The new deal is no longer.

The the cherry cola new deal. The the brown red new deal. Kinda like the green new the brown red new deal. Brandon, do you have a gift you wanna give to someone on the Timberwolves roster?

I mean, we so you guys have given, like, actual, like, gifts we can physically give. But, like, I think the easiest to the most obvious gift we need to give someone and it would be a gift that would that would help us a lot as well is we need to give Terence Shannon junior a right hand. We

need to give Terence Shannon junior away.

I like like, honestly, I think if we just gave him, like like

I'm sorry.

The right hand version or or no. If we just gave him, like, Jaime Lannister's gold hand from Game of Thrones, and he could just, like, kinda patty cake that thing on the ground, that would probably help.

If they did an NBA like Wizard of Oz, they'd be like, the line doesn't have confidence. This basketball player doesn't have a right hand. Classic. Kai, do you have any other gifts you wanna give?

Anything I got a

I got a quick little one. This isn't a player, but I'm gonna give Michael Grady $10,000,000 to be the announcer full time for the Timberwolves because, like, it is so much more. Like, it's just, like, one of the best basketball experiences to listen to Michael Grady during a a Timberwolves game. Like, even when he's not talking about basketball, like

Yeah.

He's so damn good at his job. And shout out to Alan Horton. He's a legend too. But, like, Michael Grady, I think, is, like, that new you know, he's gonna be that new Kevin Harlan, that new Mike Breen, that legendary, you know, announcer. So, yeah, I'm giving Mike Brady at least $10,000,000 to be the full time announcer for the Timberwolves.

When he got the steal when when Julius Randle against

the Knicks got the steal.

When Julius Randle against the Knicks two days ago got the steal and they said and he goes, he's got a steal. He's a Grinch. It was insane.

Yeah. It's the the reference the bar is like Brady's got bars.

Yes. For real.

And it's different than for Al and Jim because Al and Jim are just kind of like they're messy. Like they're like Alan's really good at his job but like they're they're Timberwolves homers and I love that experience. I love having both. Like am I gonna have funny experience with with, like, bars and make me do the same face? Or am I gonna be catty with Jim and Allen?

And it's a win win situation, but there's something about Grady's genera generationality. To your point, like, he has the the next Mike Breen. The fact that we get him for what? We get him for half the games this year, maybe, like, a third.

I think it's I think it's more than half. I don't know for sure.

But, yeah, you're definitely spoiled because I feel like he talk he's I think he's directly talking to, like, like, our age, give or take, like, five years. It's like, oh, wow. He's one of us. It's just incredible. Big factor of this is that he's hot.

I feel

like that's also a huge thing. He, like, he's bad, bro.

But he's just he's just cool.

Grady is a baddie. Is that

what you could try and describe? Whatever. He's just, like, so cool. Like, the preseason video of Michael Grady and Ant playing Uno against each other. And it's just like, these two men playing Uno is cooler than I will ever be at anything That in my

is true. That is true. Do you have any other gifts you wanna give?

I thought we were giving gifts to the entire team.

Well, I just I don't know. This is an impromptu episode. This is honor. This is

its own episode. We're gonna give four gifts away.

That's I mean, I would Chris Finch would give us each a gift of a time out since he saves so many.

Oh. Dang. I I will

give Bones Highland everything he could ever want because he changed my life.

Lifetime contract?

Yeah. You guys are really ahead of that. It was a great Bones

Highland four years ago. Also, were on Vitt Craygy who was five of six from three again tonight. Vitt Craygy is good.

For real, bro. He's actually really, really good.

Everyone just thinks, this is the downside of tweeting too many bits. You can't tell which are my truths.

You the bit crazy one was a bit. You pulled it up on Google during an episode as a potential guy we could trade Rudy Gobert for.

No, dude. You can't fact check that, actually.

Yeah. I don't believe that at all.

Do we think Bones is the point guard of the future? Should we talk hoops for a second?

Or No, man.

Okay. Sorry. Sorry.

No.

Okay. No hoops talks.

He just a running gunner,

is he just

going to the future? Think I

think Fones Highland is in a great role for himself right Yes.

He's relatively young, so, like, we'll see how he matures. Like, he did kinda take a a couple of crazy shots. Right. Like, pumped today's

You mean two nights ago because it's And

that's and that's

that Or makes or no. Against the Nuggets today.

Right. You don't even know. But, theoretically, two nights ago, he was pump faking then stepping back to a contested three and breaking

the record. Team hype he's a team hype plus twenty four two nights ago.

Yeah. It's just it's just a I just noticed it. I just saw it.

He's the noticer. Yeah. I would give Bones Island whenever I get these in my stocking growing up, I knew it was like a booj like, know my mom had a good year. Ferrero Rocher chocolates. Yeah.

I would just fill his stocking with that because I just love them so much. And I had a good year of DJing,

so I could break him up some freaking Get over the Ferrero Rocher.

Dude, they're at Costco now.

Ferrero Rocher money. Yeah, dude.

He deserves it. Those are so good. Is that hazelnut?

It is. Dude, so good, man. Bro. It's so special.

My mother-in-law buys them sometimes, and then we'll go to her house because we live down the street from them. And I will just cash, like, six of them. And I'm like, I'm so sorry, Yuri, but you shouldn't have put these out because I'm going I'm going hard. They're light.

Those they are light, I guess. The another thing that I love is the Ghirardelli, like, little squares, the caramel ones. I think those are kind of at that level to me too. Just, like, such a such a good experience.

Yeah. They bust.

They do bust. It's great.

They bust. You

hit them with the hard tea. How about a gift for Rob Dillingham? What if we paid for one of those, like

BetterHelp subscription.

No. One of those, like, surgeries that makes you taller where they, like, add an inch to your shins, but you're taller, but you still have little tiny arms.

Doesn't that destroy that just, like, destroys your body? Like, don't you get, like, super hurt?

Yeah. But the time it takes if he's not willing to take some risks

at this Right. Exactly. We gotta do something.

I thought if you if you do that, you can't run ever again.

Does he need to? Maybe we could just have him be a spot up guy.

What if we made him what if we made Rob

doing him, like, seven feet tall and just turn him into a plotting big man.

He turns into bad

sevens. Alarms.

Wait. Yeah. That's another thing. Is once a year, I get I see a tweet from Jordan that is just wanting the wolves to sign the worst player in the NBA. Like, I don't under it's Dillo or Ben Simmons.

It's also

Ben Simmons. The Leandro Balmaro post today where you're like, everyone has a mid player. Leandro Balmaro is not mid. I tweeted that two days ago, actually. Horrific.

No. But that's the first half of that 70 sixers game. Wow.

Jordan, I'm gonna ask you, what do you think Leandro Balmaro's career field goal percentage is?

Can't be above 28.

Yeah. I was about to say 17.

It's 27%. That's not three point percentage. That is field goal versus

Hey, man. He had a tough run. You know, Finch doesn't play as young guys. You gotta pull the

year in Utah. He shot 15%.

Why did

Oh my god.

Why didn't Chris Finch develop him? That's my question.

Chris Finch oh, yeah. Chris Finch would have been the coach for the Leandro Balmaro year. Yeah. He didn't get a chance because they traded their whole future for Richie Colbert.

Let's see. I would like to give Leandro Balmaro an apology on behalf of the Wolves fans for the way you guys are slandering him on this pod right now.

No, man. Would like

to give Leandro Balmaro a nice career in In finance.

No. I think this might be the end of the episode. I couldn't think of anything. I had one gift, and it's kinda

lame. You really you you really sprung this on us very late.

I just wanted to wish a Merry Christmas to Panion Nation.

Let's just okay. Let's just run through the roster. Is there anyone else? Do we have a gift for Jaden McDaniels?

He's given us so much. We gotta give him a gift. Jaden McDaniels would be What would

make what would make Jaden McDaniels smile?

Alfredo. A Giuseppe's in New Brighton gift card.

It's like a Devin Booker, like, life-sized voodoo doll.

A Devin Booker punching bag. Yeah. Like one of those speed bags, but it's just Devin Booker's head.

That's really good. That's really good. Alright. So that's for Jaden. Do we have a Julius gift?

What if for Mike Conley, we got him a clipboard and a whistle? I I didn't I didn't mind

I didn't mind him two nights ago.

Yeah. He's actually he's been he's been very good. But I think I think Mike Conley has probably gotta start thinking about his life after

That's a great point because sometimes it looks so abysmal, and sometimes, like, there he is. He's still alive.

Meme was Brandon. Four nights ago against the Bucks.

And, like, the the three is still three ing, isn't it? It feels like it's still three ing.

It it since he's come back from the injury, he started making his threes again. Yeah. That was a that was a low blow. I don't know why I did that. Why did you do that?

I'm sorry, Mike.

They were really yeah. Dante DiVincenzo, what are we giving him?

A new undershirt?

Yes. Absolutely. Dante DiVincenzo, why are you wearing that terrible undershirt?

I I would give him a box set of the Sopranos, but he already has, like, three versions of it.

He does need a little bit of extra, like, swag. Like, does he need a headband? Does he need something like that? Yeah.

Used to be Does he wear

a shooting sleeve? He wears a shooting sleeve sometimes, doesn't

He kinda needs to embrace a little bit more of this. I don't know.

You know

what Dante DiVincenzo needs? Is some goggles. I'm liking that. Like some Rex specs?

That kind of that plays.

Really lean into, like, goofy white guy?

Yes. Did you do Rex Specs and then, like, opposite leg, leg sleeve with the arm sleeve? That's such a my career ass move. God.

Yeah. Maybe we do need to keep the undershirt with all that too, and maybe that adds to it.

Alright. What are we giving Julius Randle?

A trombone. Trombone. Seriously? Guitar Center.

I need a Julius Randle signed trombone more than life itself.

You could do it. You can get one from, like, you can get one from, like, Pawn America. I wish I could like,

a trombone. Need Julius to I just need Julius to sign it.

Yeah. The trombone is not the hard part

of that.

It's not acquiring a trombone.

Trombones are expensive. You go to Pond America, get one for, like, $80, I bet, and then you should get a silver Sharpie.

Oh, I got a spot in my basement that'll be perfect for that thing.

That would be sick.

Right above the Tory Hunter pad?

That is that's a lot.

What about Rudy Gobert?

Rudy Gobert gets the mustache. He got the Oh, yeah. We already gave

Rudy Gobert a mustache. What about Ant? We we could not possibly give Ant enough.

Anthony Edwards, what should he get?

I'm giving Anthony Edwards a lifetime supply of mister Pibb because he deserves it.

I feel like he's cleaning up his diet, so we shouldn't we we shouldn't get these if he's changing his habits, because he that's one thing he talked about, like, changing was, like, eating healthy.

I don't

know if it's

gonna help him relapse.

This might be, like, kind of a sensitive sensitive subject, but, like, is there a diet pib? Is that out there?

Oh, there's like a pib zero. Okay.

Pib zero. Okay. I never saw that.

I I I think I saw Diet

mister pib is officially called pib zero sugar, a zero calorie zero sugar soda with a spicy cherry flavor, sweetened by aspartame, and acesulfame potassium.

Nice. That sounds like RFK loves that chemical. Pibb zero. The discerning man's beverage.

Does Jaylen Clark need a gift?

He probably wants, like, a bowflex

so you get more rare. No. Jaylen Clark has plenty of means to get jacked. Jaylen Clark I think we should give Jaylen Clark just, like like a collector's edition box set of like every season of SpongeBob. Because he's a SpongeBob guy.

Is he a SpongeBob guy?

Didn't he hasn't he tweeted about SpongeBob before?

He tweets SpongeBob memes. That's because he's off the Internet.

I did. I've basically tweeted at everybody on the roster for the past four years, what's your favorite snack? And he's the only one to reply to me, and he said Oreos. So we could do something with that.

A man of taste.

You know

what we should Did he

Do you stipulate? Is it just like like Oreo one zero one?

And I and I said this is a nine out of 10. A 10 out of 10 would have been a double stuff answer, but he just said he just said Oreo. So

I I feel I think here's my critique of capitalism. When I go into Target and I get go to the Oreo aisle and I get overwhelmed, too many options. We could stand to have less options.

Double stuff all we need are double stuff Oreos and then those holiday white fudge covered ones.

That's a good one. What about golden Oreos?

Kinda amazing. They're amazing, dude.

Wow. This is You rock

you rocking with the golden Oreos?

Yes. Also

okay. Let me get kinky. Golden Oreos with the lemon filling.

Okay. How dare you? Did I go too far?

Don't really know anything about that, to be honest. I I never went that far.

I'm just never going to choose anything other than a standard Oreo if I have the whole Oreo up. Why preclude yourself? Yeah.

Treat your treat yourself a little bit.

Those are not better than just a a typical Oreo.

Okay. That's a good point. That's a good point.

Like, treat yourself with a slightly worse Oreo? What the hell does that mean?

Here's my here's another take. If I'm doing if I'm just doing Oreo raw, double stuffed. If it's Oreo

dipped raw?

If it's if

If it it is

is raw I'm just doing raw Oreo, double stuffed. But if I get milk

dog and the Oreos.

Yeah. But if I got milk, then it's single stuff.

I think

the single stuff is better with the milk dip. I had takes. Yeah. I used to smoke a lot of weed.

I could I still do, but I I have a couple milk questions too, I don't I don't know if it's

Let's go. Let's talk about milk. It doesn't Santa drinks milk, and it's Christmas.

Does anyone drink does anyone drink milk with, like, dinner?

No. Not anymore, but as a as a mostly Norwegian white man that grew up in a small town in Northern Minnesota, milk was a staple at every meal. And it was like it was like, finish your milk so you can have another glass of milk. Yeah.

I knew somewhere somewhere on this screen, there is a lot of milk being consumed. And and I could sense it somewhere, but it it's rough.

It was it was like two full glasses of milk with lunch and dinner. Damn. With like milk.

Like with like top we're having tacos tonight.

And it and it was milk. Like, we we would put the gallon of milk would be at the center of the table and you just pass it around and fill it up.

Milk and dachos. It's the centerpiece of dinner.

It's just on the table.

Wow. I have I have

no we we went through we were a family of five drinking just like we were going

You had the two liters of milk. Oh my god. The two gallon joint. I have a three and a half year old. So we have milk on deck

for her.

So I drink I'll finish her milk, but also Allie makes really good hot chocolate, and milk is the the precipice for that.

So And Like, milk being the base of something is different. Like, I'm talking, like, we were just drinking milk by the gallon.

Just you were raw dogging milk the way I raw dog these Oreos.

My parents are just from the my parents are just from the generation that, like, milk was the healthiest thing you could drink. Like, they that's just what they thought.

My my stepdad, he would drink milk with, you know, spaghetti or whatever, and then he he would cash the the glass of milk, walk over to the sink, turn on the faucet, and fill his glass up with water. So it was just

like That's terrible. There's just like a little bit of milk in the water.

Yeah. That's not good. Cloudy water and then drink that like, oh, wow, man. Damn. What the spooky last, bro.

Was the spaghetti

all spicy? Was it a kick in the spaghetti?

Oh, man. That was a week.

Bro, Target You has know what?

What's up?

I prefer a spaghetti that the noodles are mixed in with the sauce. Like, that's kinda, you know, whatever. He he kinda had the style of plopping the noodles, kinda the wet noodles on the plate and then putting the sauce on

the a plopper. Plopper is

the way

to go. I

I Oh, you're a plopper? I like it. I like the sauce all mixed in. Yeah. I'm I'm team I like I wanna be charge

I wanna be in charge of the mix, which is why you start with the plop. I wanna be in charge

of When you do the plop, it you never get the same mix that you get when you do it, like, in the pot. You don't

know how I do it. You don't know how you eat spaghetti? Don't tell me how eat spaghetti.

I love that this is happening right now. I mean, anyone listening, you're I mean They have you're blessed on this Christmas, man.

For wolves nuggets tonight. I have a great milk segue. I'm gonna gift Yom Baringji a gallon of milk so he can put out

a few pounds. Nice segue, bro.

I'm gonna give you a good job for Christmas because you say his name more, like, properly than anybody else, I think.

Names matter.

I know. I mean, it's good. I say Yom Beringer. What do you say?

I thought it was Yuan Beringer. What is it?

Yuan Beringer. Yuan Beringer.

Yuan Beringer.

Has he knows what's going

on there.

Oh.

I I could be I could also just be wrong. I think this is, what he said when they did, like, the pronounce your name thing. That's how he said it.

I'm sure that you're right. Yeah.

What are we getting Johnny Juzeng?

I forgot we had him.

That's sad. He's really hot. I feel like he wants, like, an Amber Carbyn Fitch gift card. So we get, like, a medium tall, like, tight T shirt.

There's no way Johnny I'm sorry. Drinks jerks medium tall.

I'm sorry.

He's, like, six foot eight.

Okay. He probably needs an XL tall at the minute.

Once it gets, you know, a little bit late

in tightest, the night ever grumpy

Once it gets a little bit late in the night, this this boy, Jallie, is raw dogging things. He's getting small shirts for big guys.

He's off the pib.

Calling Grady a baddie. I mean, damn.

I'm trying to say giant juicing his belly button. Crop it, bro. It's cool. Oh my goodness. Crop it, bro.

I'm getting Rocco Zekarski, the original Spyro trilogy. I think he really liked playing the Spyro the Dragon PS one trilogy. What are we getting? What are we getting? Dragon enjoyer.

Leonard Miller, another guy who I sometimes forget is on the wolves.

I'm getting Leonard Miller. I'm getting him. What should I get him?

At at Summer League, I saw him, and I'm like, hey, bro. Good game, Lenny. And he's like, thanks, man. And as I was walking away, he's like, have a good night. And, like, it just it hit my heart in a way where it's like, damn.

You're kinda you might be a good person. I I like you, Lenny. Word on the

street word on the street is part of

the reason Leonard Miller is still on the

team is he is just, like, beloved by his teammates.

Yeah. I can feel it.

He's very good. But No.

He's got jokes. What are we getting Joe Joe Ingalls?

Some some swag or, like, a chain.

Joe Ingalls see, Joe Ingalls is the opposite of Dante and Ivincenzo where, like, I think Joe Ingalls needs to lean into being even more of just, like, a dumpy, no gear Dumpy. White guy. Like, it's like, Joe Ingalls cannot be wearing shooting sleeves. We just need jersey, shorts, shoes, like, cut socks.

Dang. I think this episode's over.

Maybe we should get Joe Ingalls, like, those those, like, ice leg compression things that they always advertise. Hyperice? Yeah. The things that, like, they sit and your legs are all straight in them.

He seems

like he probably has like a sore knees

Yeah. Legs.

Back at

the end Some leg compressions.

Yes. Because Mayo Clinic Square doesn't have those. Medical staff home. Because they have too much proprietary tech, does not hyper ice, which is consumer good. Thank you for rocking another episode of Crunchwares.

No pants. Merry Christmas. If I catch you slaying slaying your your reindeer reindeer recklessly recklessly in in a a residential area, I'm going to I Slaying

your reindeer sounds like sounds like a Christmas term for jerking it.

Oh, have a good tweet from the pod account. I'm supposed to fire off. It's mister peer related. And then it's 11:45PM on the twenty third. We're breaking the fourth wall.

Alright. We're gonna be done now for real.