(Dick Clever, Episode Thirteen, Tongs for the Memories)

                                                     THEME / JAZZ HORN PLAYS UNDERNEATH:

DICK:			So, my next lead lay dead on the slab in Doc's room. Or at least his 
			        head. Who had killed Ernest Nutpucker and why had he ordered a
                    large quantity of fish fingers? It was late and I had yet another dead 
                    end or end dead....

				                                     PHONE RINGS.

			       Come in.

				                                     DOOR OPENING.

			       Regina?

REGINA:		Why, hello there Dicky bird.

DICK:			What brings you here?

REGINA:		A taxi and a pair of high heels.

DICK:			Why was the taxi in high heels?

REGINA:		It's more fashionable.

DICK:			So, what do you have for me?

REGINA:		It might not be anything.

DICK:			Try me.

REGINA:		I overheard a conversation.

DICK:			And where were you?

REGINA:		Let's not be indiscrete.

DICK:			So, what did you hear?

REGINA:		It was a phone call between Pierre and Cecil.

DICK:			Lardbottom?

REGINA:		Bitch.

				                                     SLAP.

DICK:			I meant Cecil Lardbottom.

REGINA:		Oh, sorry, Dick.

DICK:			So it was Lardbottom?

REGINA:		Yes.

DICK:			And what did they say?

REGINA:		Pierre said, " 'ello?" and then Cecil said, "Hello Pierre".

DICK:			Cut to the chase, would you, Regina?

REGINA:		Do I chase you first?

DICK:			I meant with the conversation.

REGINA:		Yes, okay. Cecil asked Pierre if he had the tongs.

				                                     MENACING CHORD.

DICK:			Are you sure?

REGINA:		I am positive.

DICK:			Really. Should I be tested too?

REGINA:		I meant about the conversation.

DICK:			Of course.

				                                     JAZZ HORN PLAYS UNDERNEATH:

			        So, it all starts to gel. Lardbottom asks Pierre where the tongs are. The 
			        tongs that I had in evidence. The tongs that tie both of them into the 
                	Mercutio Murders and therefore the Cod Piece Murders. 

                    It was time to tighten the fish net. 

                                                     BIG BEN BELL.

                    The next day Petra and I paid a visit to Pierre.
				
PIERRE:		Well, 'ello, if it is not ze Detective Clever and his beautiful assistant 
			        Petra. What may I do for you?

DICK:			Let me paint a pretty little picture, Pierre.

PIERRE:		Very well, would you like me clothed or in the altogether?

PETRA:			In the altogether, please.

DICK:			Painting a picture is just an expression. You Pierre, the very same 
			        person is standing there in front of me, was asked by none other 
			        than Cecil Lardbottom, where were the tongs?

PIERRE:		Sacrebleu! 'ow could you know of such a 'appening?

DICK:			It doesn't matter how I know, I just know that you now know I know.

PIERRE:		Ah no!

DICK:			And now you know you must spill the beans.

PIERRE:		Very well.

				                                     BEANS FALLING ON THE FLOOR.

			        I, I don’t know 'ow zis 'elps.

DICK:			It was just an expression. To spill the beans, to tell me what you know.

PIERRE:		Ah, Pierre now understands. Cecil, he asks me, "Pierre where are ze 
			        thongs".

DICK:			You mean tongs.

PIERRE:		I certainly do not. I mean Thongs. 

DICK:			Thongs?

PIERRE:		Mais oiu. Let me explain. In my spare time I sell ze undergarments.

DICK:			Underwear?

PIERRE:		No, at my 'ome. Mais oui. Specifically, I sell ze thong.

DICK:			A thong?

PIERRE:		Oiu! "ere I am wearing one now, have a look.

PETRA:			Ohh yes. Now that's worth seeing.

PIERRE:		Merci, mon petite.

DICK:			So, why would Cecil…

PIERRE:		Oh, 'e wears them as well.

DICK:			Oh lord...that's not right.

PIERRE:		It is a much larger size. In fact, I must 'ave them specially made for 
			        him.

DICK:			Out of what?

PIERRE:		'ow you say, a spinnaker sheet?

DICK:			Petra I don't think you need to examine Pierre's thong that closely.

PETRA:			We must verify his story and I don't mind.

PIERRE:		Neizzer do I.

				                                     JAZZ HORN BLOWING UNDER:

DICK:			So now the hard part of the matter. We had to confront Cecil 
			        Lardbottom with the facts. Did he indeed order the over-sized g-
			        string from Pierre?

                    Or was it all a cover, as much as a cover as it could be? 9:45 on a damp morning we were                             
                    greeted at the door by Butler, the butler.

				                                     JAZZ HORN OUT.

BUTLER:		I expect you are here to see Mr. Lardbottom, detective.

DICK:			Thank you Butler.

BUTLER:		My pleasure, Sir. Please wait here.

				                                     FOOTSTEPS OFF.

DICK:			So what do you think about Pierre?

PETRA:			He's got a lovely, firm ar…

DICK:			I meant about the case.

				                                     FOOTSTEPS BACK.

BUTLER:		Mr. Lardbottom will see you now.

DICK:			Thank you.

				                                     DOOR OPENING.

LARDBOTTOM:	Why Detective, and young Petra what a pleasant surprise.

DICK:			Cecil. Is it true that you ordered underwear from Pierre?

LARDBOTTOM:	Why yes. Thongs to be exact. 

DICK:			So you don't deny it?

LARDBOTTOM:	On the contrary..... let me show you.

				                                     LONG ZIPPER.

DICK AND PETRA:	No!

				                                    THEME IN AND OUT.

                                                     END

Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones