WEBVTT 00:00:01.280 --> 00:00:10.740 Thanks for tuning in to the Sandals Church podcast. Our vision as a church is to be real with ourselves, God, and others. We're glad you're here, and we hope you enjoy this message. 00:00:12.155 --> 00:00:27.780 Hey, guys. Merry Christmas, and welcome to Sandals Church. Man, I wanna talk about one of the most controversial issues today as we tackle one of the most controversial passages in the Bible. Man, if you wanna if you wanna spark a controversy at Christmas, just throw out your ideas on marriage. Amen? 00:00:27.780 --> 00:00:42.635 You know, just start telling single people what they should do. Right? I mean, they're gonna never come into your house for a holiday again. But here's the thing is, the Bible's not afraid of controversial issues because oftentimes, when things are controversial, they matter. They're important. 00:00:42.935 --> 00:00:56.430 And when things are important, people have different views. And so here's one of the things I just wanna throw out there to you. If you're an older person, I just want you to understand this. Young people today are not getting married. It's not happening. 00:00:56.890 --> 00:01:17.135 So if you are born, listen to this, between the years of 1981 and 1996, almost 60% of you are single. And the numbers are growing every single year. Listen to me, old people. We have been a bad example of what marriage should look like. Because they're not rejecting what the bible says. 00:01:17.135 --> 00:01:28.670 They're rejecting what they've seen us do in marriage. So here's the thing is, 56% of all millennials don't even wanna get married. It's not even on their radar. I don't want that. They looked at their mom. 00:01:28.670 --> 00:01:37.975 They looked at their dad. They looked at you. They looked at me, and they said, I'm not into that. But here's the thing. 75 percent of all divorces in America, listeners, are filed by women. 00:01:40.435 --> 00:01:59.480 Listen to me, ladies. There's something about modern marriage that you've fought for that isn't satisfying you. I just want you to hear that. Women have made so much progress and it was needed culturally, but that progress has not promoted healthy marriage. It is messing up our marriages. 00:02:00.340 --> 00:02:07.085 So listen to this. Young people are rejecting modern marriages. Here's the thing. If somebody said, well, I was young. I was stupid. 00:02:07.145 --> 00:02:15.885 I didn't know what I was doing. 2nd marriages are even worse. 3rd marriages, right, AJ, here's the thing you would think. You know, you're on your 6th marriage. You think you'd get better. 00:02:15.945 --> 00:02:33.285 Statistically, you get worse. And I think that's because many of us are going with our heart on marriage and not God's heart on marriage. And so I wanna challenge you today. Just really just consider, God, what's your heart for me in terms of marriage? And let me say this if you're single. 00:02:33.525 --> 00:02:55.770 Some are like, oh, great, I came to church on the married talk. If you call yourself a Christian, you need to have a healthy theology that is what you believe about marriage, because you're gonna have married friends. You may consider getting married one day, and you need to know before you say I do, what am I saying I do to? What am I committing to? What is God expecting of me if I decide this? 00:02:56.470 --> 00:03:22.100 And maybe the reason you're saying as a single person I don't is because you have the wrong picture of what God thinks marriage should be. So I wanna challenge you today that we need to quit following our hearts and start following God when it comes to marriage, because things are not getting better. They're getting worse. Now let me say this. Whenever we talk about marriage in the church, we have to do it in the following ways. 00:03:22.560 --> 00:03:36.335 Number 1, we have to have a heart for the hurting. We have to say, look, man. There's people in here today that they're like, I can't believe I'm sitting here right now, you are calculating how can I get up and walk out? I can fake like I have to go to the bathroom, stomachache, something, you know, leg cramp. I don't know. 00:03:36.335 --> 00:03:42.095 Coach, take me out of the game. Right? Let me just say, I care for you. I love you. God loves you. 00:03:42.095 --> 00:03:59.475 The reason that God hates divorce, if that's where where you're at or that's what you've experienced, is not because he hates you, but because he hates what divorce does to you. He loves you. Now let me just say this. One of the reasons this this issue is so controversial is even Christians are confused on the subject. K? 00:03:59.475 --> 00:04:13.650 We're confused, and we have to be sensitive as a church. K? Sandals is a is a conservative church. What I what I mean by that, I don't mean that we're republican and not democrat. What I mean is we are conserving what we believe the Bible has historically taught. 00:04:13.650 --> 00:04:27.185 That's what I mean by that. But we have to be sensitive to the fact that these scriptures have been used to abuse, and we have to understand that. And so let me just say this. If you're in a marriage right now and you're in danger, get out. Get out. 00:04:27.185 --> 00:04:37.285 You have my permission. Get out. God is not calling you to be hurt. That's not what he's called you to. Number 2, if you're in an unhealthy relationship and it's abusive, get help. 00:04:37.345 --> 00:04:46.500 Sandals Church, man, we have amazing people that will come alongside you and help you. We we wanna bless you. We don't wanna harm you. So you may need to get out. You may need to get help. 00:04:46.560 --> 00:05:11.790 But all of us need to get from God what God says about marriage. Now here's the challenge. What I'm gonna read to you is almost 2000 years old. So that means we have to work hard to try to figure out what it means today, because historically, there have been times where it's been used and abused and misinterpreted, and so we gotta work hard and press through this. And then ultimately, we have to trust that God is good. 00:05:11.930 --> 00:05:25.085 We have to trust that God's view on marriage is what's best for me. Are you ready? Okay. So I'm just gonna pull the pin on the grenade, and I'm gonna throw my body on it, and you're all going to another church next week. Amen? 00:05:26.505 --> 00:05:45.250 Because here's the truth is, some of you with what I'm about to read, it's gonna catch you sideways. And here's what I want you to hear, Not what you hear. I want you to hear what God wants you to hear because I think there's some beauty in here that's been completely missed. Ephesians 52133. Are you ready? 00:05:45.470 --> 00:05:55.205 I'm pulling the pin, sacrificing my life for all of you. Here we go. Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Right? I started with the s word. 00:05:55.205 --> 00:06:14.180 Okay? It gets worse. Wives, submit to your to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 00:06:14.180 --> 00:06:46.755 Have I lost all the ladies? Hang on. Hang on. Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. 00:06:46.755 --> 00:06:57.335 Can I get an amen ladies? Okay. That would sound like all men. Okay. He who loves loves his wife, listen to this guys, loves himself. 00:06:58.915 --> 00:07:26.935 After all, people have never hated their own bodies, but they feed and care for them just as Christ does the church. For we are members of this body. For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and the 2 shall become 1 flesh. Now listen to this. This is a profound mystery he says, but I am talking about Christ and the church. 00:07:27.550 --> 00:07:55.870 However, each one of you must also love his wife as he loves himself and the wife must respect her husband. Let's pray together. Heavenly Father, give us grace and mercy. Give us ears to hear, and God, let us push past our own pain and our own interpretation of this scripture, and help us to know what you want us to know about marriage, because God, our marriages are hurting. So bless us today with your wisdom and your words. 00:07:55.870 --> 00:08:10.585 In Jesus' name we pray. Amen. So what I'm gonna talk about today is Christian marriages. Christian marriage is what a Christian marriage should look like. So number 1, in a Christian marriage, both the husband and the wife are valued. 00:08:11.045 --> 00:08:34.065 Many people when they when they read through this passage, they miss the beautiful back and forth of Jesus and his church. Jesus represents the man because he's a man, and the church, many of you miss this, represents the woman. In Greek, ekklesia is in the feminine. It is a feminine word. And so it works perfectly for the apostle Paul. 00:08:34.305 --> 00:08:53.010 Jesus is the husband. The church is the wife. And so he's painting this beautiful picture of our need for our savior and our need for the church. We need both, and many people miss this as they read through this context. So everything that you're reading should be read through this lens. 00:08:53.310 --> 00:09:12.305 Husbands matter, wives matter, because men matter and women matter. And we need to understand that. Ephesians 523, for the husband is the head of the wife, just as Christ is the head of the church. So what is the role of the man? He is he is the role of Christ when he's talking about marriage. 00:09:12.305 --> 00:09:21.650 What is the role of the wife? She is the church. Husbands, love your wives. Listen to what he says. Just as Christ loved the what? 00:09:21.950 --> 00:09:36.235 The church. The church. You see, Paul is setting up this beautiful thing, and here's what he's saying. The way you worship God should affect the way you relate to each other. And that's the number one thing people people miss. 00:09:36.695 --> 00:10:03.605 God is asking that you realize that everything about him that is love is everything that he wants you to experience in your closest relationships. And some of us miss this because we get caught up on the historical misinterpretations of what's been said. And many of us, unfortunately, see abuse here when what God is saying is, look, man, this is rhythm. This is rhythm. And this is the way the 2 work for each other. 00:10:03.905 --> 00:10:16.240 And for those of you who are ladies and you're offended, I think Christ got the bad end of the deal in terms of sacrifice. K. The church lives. What happened to Christ? He died. 00:10:17.100 --> 00:10:29.325 And so there's a picture there of what we need to do in marriage. Number 2, in a Christian marriage, the couple sees themselves as 1. How we doing married people? Yeah. Tammy and I are working on ones. 00:10:30.105 --> 00:10:41.725 Ones. Let me tell you something. The most difficult aspect of marriage, single people, is the ones. Look, if you're single today, you know what you're doing today? Whatever you want. 00:10:44.160 --> 00:10:50.560 You know what I'm doing today? I'm asking Tammy, what are we doing? What are we doing? Can I do that? Can I do this? 00:10:50.560 --> 00:11:05.995 Now we make fun of that, but that's the only way a marriage works. The only way a marriage works is when I check-in with Tammy. I remember, you know, we were having this conversation with our kids when they were in their late teens and early twenties. They're like, I should be able to come home whenever I want. I was like, you know what? 00:11:05.995 --> 00:11:12.990 I'm an adult. I pay the rent. I call your mom. Hey, I'll be home at 12. I'll be home at 1. 00:11:12.990 --> 00:11:21.010 Honey, I'm running a little late. You know why I do that? Because I respect her and love her. I don't just do whatever I want. We're working on ones. 00:11:22.430 --> 00:11:33.425 And oftentimes, young people are working on me. There's no me in marriage. It's just we. It's just we. Ephesians 528 through 31. 00:11:33.425 --> 00:11:47.430 In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. Their own bodies. You should care for her as you care for herself. See, this is the thing many people miss. The church is the body of Christ. 00:11:47.890 --> 00:12:10.590 It is the body of Christ. And so many Christians today say, I love Jesus. I hate the church. Then you don't know Jesus because he is the church. And husbands, if you say you love yourself, but you're disrespectful to your wife, you loathe her, you despise her, you abuse her, you are mistreating yourself, and you need to understand that. 00:12:11.050 --> 00:12:26.415 He who loves his wife loves himself. Why? Because the 2 have become 1. You see, Tammy and I's marriage is never more in danger than when I see her apart from myself. You know what we do? 00:12:26.415 --> 00:12:32.655 We criticize the other. We do. This happens in our nation with racism. Right? Someone is a different color. 00:12:32.655 --> 00:12:38.930 Oh, them. Someone is of a different gender. Oh, look at them. Someone's of a different political persuasion. Them. 00:12:38.930 --> 00:12:53.905 What we're saying is not me. And when we do that in our marriage, it's destroyed. It's destroyed. When I separate Tammy from me, guys, you have no idea what Tammy did today because sometimes she does some stuff. You know what I'm saying? 00:12:55.245 --> 00:13:09.660 But when I separate that from me, I'm in trouble. And when Tammy separates me from herself, she's in trouble. Our marriage is in trouble. And this is the number one reason. I hear this all the time in marriage. 00:13:09.660 --> 00:13:19.565 I'm not happy. That's the problem. That's the problem. All you see is yourself. All you see is yourself. 00:13:20.185 --> 00:13:38.720 No one hated his own body. He feeds and he cares for it just as Christ does the church. Look, if you wanna be happy, start caring about your marriage more than you care about yourself. Now I'm not saying you should be abused. I'm not saying you should be neglected. 00:13:39.020 --> 00:14:01.200 I'm just saying this. The secret to a happy marriage is 2 individuals who've decided to die to themselves and say yes to the marriage. For we are all members of this body. He says, for this reason, a man, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the 2 shall become 1 flesh. 1 flesh. 00:14:01.740 --> 00:14:12.685 I hear this all the time. Well, I think marriage should be 5050. Good luck. You're gonna die on the 50 yard line. You know what happens if marriage is 5050? 00:14:12.825 --> 00:14:24.765 Nobody's given a 100%. Because here's the thing with 5050. When I say 5050, here's what I think I mean. I'm given all that I should. I don't see you giving all you should. 00:14:26.640 --> 00:14:30.580 We say, I want you to meet me halfway. No. No. No. You should meet your spouse all the way. 00:14:31.040 --> 00:14:46.425 All the way. It's a 100% or nothing. That's the only way it works. The only way it works. Tammy and I, we struggled mightily in marriage, fighting at the 50 yard line, constantly disagreeing. 00:14:46.965 --> 00:15:09.615 You know, we read his needs, her needs. We had different needs, and no one's needs were being met. And here's the thing. What turned our marriage around was when I heard God speak to me and he said, Matt, as a husband, your job is to die. That's what Jesus did. 00:15:11.115 --> 00:15:31.400 He died for the church. Husbands, I would just ask you, where where are you dying for your marriage? So many young guys, I see them, they get married and they think a wife is an addition to their previous life. Man, the only thing that's adding up to is divorce. You gotta tell your buddies. 00:15:32.235 --> 00:15:41.675 You gotta tell your buddies. Look, it's me and her now. It's me it's me and her now. You gotta tell your kids, it's me and her. I tell my kids, man, look, you're gonna move out one day. 00:15:41.675 --> 00:15:59.245 She's not. I gotta live with her forever. She's the most important thing. Here's the thing. You have to see yourselves as one because when you're trapped in this, woo hoo, you gotta work it out. 00:16:00.185 --> 00:16:15.190 You can never fix a marriage as long as you see an escape plan. If there's an exit sign in that marriage, it's not gonna work out. I see this all the time. How many of you have seen this? Great couples split up because they couldn't work it out. 00:16:16.610 --> 00:16:33.635 So many marriages today would rather run for the exit than sit in the pain and work it out. I'm actually not just grateful now 25 years in, 6 years in, almost 7 years in. I caught myself. I'm not just grateful for the good times. I'm grateful for the tough times. 00:16:33.635 --> 00:16:50.875 Now I wasn't grateful when we were going through it. If you're grateful when you're going through suffering, something's wrong with you. Get counseling. But I was grateful afterward because here's the thing. Pain creates deep love. 00:16:51.335 --> 00:16:59.895 It just does. But here's the thing, man. Here's the thing. When you get married, you are not marrying someone like you. I hate that. 00:16:59.895 --> 00:17:11.600 Oh, they're perfect for each other. That those are all lies. Call me in week 2. You know? The only one perfect for you is Jesus, and he's already married to the church. 00:17:11.980 --> 00:17:23.045 Amen? And he's not divorcing her for you. But here's the thing is, we're different genders. Has anybody noticed men and women are different? Couple years ago, I read a book, Men Are For Mars, Women Are For Venus. 00:17:23.045 --> 00:17:40.200 That assumes we're from the same solar system. Come on, married people. Have you ever looked at your spouse and, like, I don't understand you at all. We're not the same gender. We approach things extraordinarily differently. 00:17:40.260 --> 00:17:48.545 We just do. And God intended that way. It makes us stronger. Same makes us weaker. Different makes us stronger. 00:17:49.165 --> 00:17:58.340 We need it in parenting. We need it in life. We need it for sanity. Even when I was preaching this message, I told my wife, here's what I'm gonna say. She was like, no. 00:18:00.160 --> 00:18:10.595 Yeah. I was like, I'm the pastor. She's like, I know. I'm trying to save our church. We're not the same gender. 00:18:10.815 --> 00:18:21.190 We approach things differently. We do not have the same personality. My wife has jury duty this week. Anybody ever had jury duty? Man, she's all dressed up, ready to go to jury duty. 00:18:21.190 --> 00:18:29.730 I was like, what? You got a date with a judge? I'm like right? Come on, guys. If I got jury duty, you're you're just lucky I'm here. 00:18:29.950 --> 00:18:46.645 You're lucky I'm here and awake. And let me just tell you something. Every Christian should do do jury duty. Number 1, because that's what's required of the law. Number 2, it will help you never commit a crime because you will see the people that will decide your fate, and you will do the right thing. 00:18:49.130 --> 00:19:00.190 You see some crazy people, and those aren't the worst because they showed up. Think about what's at home. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Have you heard the excuses? 00:19:00.410 --> 00:19:10.195 I can't serve. I have to take care of my children. Well, how old are they? 27 and 32. But here's the thing. 00:19:10.195 --> 00:19:27.880 I said, why are you so dressed up? She was afraid of not getting picked. I was like, that's what I'm going for. That's my goal, to not be selected. Tammy wanted to look good for the panel. 00:19:31.815 --> 00:19:49.040 We could not be more different. Like Mars, Venus, we're from a different solar system. Next, we don't have the same gifting. Man, when we try to be the same, it's it's a mess. It's an absolute mess. 00:19:49.660 --> 00:20:05.415 Some of you, your marriage sucks because you won't just acknowledge your spouse is better at some things than you are, than you are. Your spouse has giftedness. Let it go. No. I want our marriage to be terrible forever. 00:20:07.395 --> 00:20:13.495 It's okay. It's okay. Some of you guys, you're like, well, I'm the man. Yeah. But she's smart. 00:20:17.180 --> 00:20:29.040 So put her in charge, man. What are you doing? My gosh. Next, we usually don't have the same perspective. We usually see things from a different angle. 00:20:30.435 --> 00:20:42.855 You know, when my wife is losing her mind on her kids, I usually have a different perspective. Our kids are never more in danger than when Tammy and I agree. Yeah. That's that's when you're gonna see us on the news. Right? 00:20:43.395 --> 00:20:54.320 They we decided they have to die. I remember one time then, we were parenting one of our kids, and I I I told her kids. I was like, you know what? I disagree with your mom. You just you have to die. 00:20:54.320 --> 00:21:02.735 You know? It's over. That's just bad news when your mom and dad are like, so. But we usually have a different perspective. And listen to me. 00:21:02.735 --> 00:21:16.510 That's a good thing. Some of you fight over the blessings God's given you. Just embrace it. Just embrace it. We need to learn to see each other as a team, an inseparable team. 00:21:16.730 --> 00:21:34.805 Now let me backtrack. If you're in danger, get out. If you're in an abusive relationship, get help. We don't wanna clobber people who are sincerely hurting with some Bible verses that will continue their torture. And let me just say this to you. 00:21:34.805 --> 00:21:54.420 Some of you, man, I some of the worst counseling ever is marriage counseling, and here's the truth I've learned over time. If a couple is lying to each other, they're almost never telling you the truth. And you're like, well, I can see right through it. No, you can't. You're lying to yourself right now. 00:21:55.040 --> 00:22:19.830 So just know that. One of the hardest things I do is counsel married couples who are having problems because many of us as Christians, we think we're superheroes and we're not. And so we just have to say, look guys, I'm praying for you guys. I'm not sure what's going on, and I have made so many mistakes. Early on as your pastor, I thought I knew so much and I've realized I know so little. 00:22:20.610 --> 00:22:39.935 So be really, really careful. Our sinful tendency in marriage is to criticize what we separate from ourselves. When I'm criticizing Tammy, I've always separated her from me. I'm the victim. She's the abuser. 00:22:40.075 --> 00:22:51.720 Right? And I need to be saved. And I do this over and over again rather than saying we've got a problem. We need to work through this. We need to work this out. 00:22:52.660 --> 00:23:08.935 One of the most helpful things for our marriage was when I begin every discussion, right, because pastors never have arguments. We just share our feelings in theological perspectives. Amen? But I begin every disagreement with these words. I'm not going anywhere. 00:23:10.150 --> 00:23:33.885 I'm in this to the end. I love you and I wanna work this out. And I cannot tell you how much that helps because my wife grew up in a family where every argument ended up with somebody leaving. So that's her childhood. That's her trauma, and I don't want to continue that. 00:23:34.185 --> 00:23:57.565 So what I have to begin with is I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying in this marriage, but I wanna work this out. Now number 3, I think this is the most misunderstood part of this passage. In a Christian marriage, you voluntarily submit to each other to honor Jesus. You voluntarily submit to one another to follow Jesus. 00:23:57.785 --> 00:24:08.905 Listen to this. Ephesians 521 and 22, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands. I want you to see that word, submit. Wives, submit. 00:24:08.905 --> 00:24:23.230 It's not there in the text. It's only in Ephesians 521. Submit one to another. The next verse, we put it in the English so that you know what he means, but in the Greek, it's wives to your own. That's what it is. 00:24:23.290 --> 00:24:41.830 Submit one to another, wives to your own, Husbands as you do to the Lord. Now 2000 years ago, Christian wives were experienced incredible liberation and this was a challenge to male authority. Now when we get married in modern culture, the husband and the wife has vows. Did you know that? Hopefully, you've paid attention. 00:24:41.830 --> 00:24:55.835 You've been to a couple weddings. 2000 years ago, only the wife had vows. When you read through this text, who has more vows, the husband or the wife? The husband does. The wife has one at the end. 00:24:55.835 --> 00:25:04.495 I'll help you out. It's because it's because we're simple and we're really simple. Right? Biblical submission is never forced. Never. 00:25:05.410 --> 00:25:35.400 I have only asked Tammy to submit to my leadership one time in almost 27 years of marriage, and it was for an issue that we had both previously agreed upon. We felt called as a couple to help out a young woman in our church. Now here's the thing. When you help out people who are hurting, pray about it because they're usually special. And I know you put on your cape and you swept in to get involved, but oftentimes when people's own family have said get out, there's a reason. 00:25:37.060 --> 00:25:50.435 But we helped them out and we got involved and my wife felt done sooner than I was. She told me, she said, get her out. Get her out. She was upset. She was angry. 00:25:51.135 --> 00:26:27.645 She was at her wits end. And I said, no, because we prayed to God and we heard from God and we are going to submit to what God said. It was hard. It was difficult, but the only thing worse in this world than disappointing my wife is disappointing my God, and that's my job. Husbands, your job as the spiritual leader is you are accountable for what you as a couple have agreed to. 00:26:28.585 --> 00:26:40.620 Period. Period. Submit one to another out of reverence for God. Now let me say this. Love never demands its own way, ever. 00:26:41.320 --> 00:26:53.385 God does not demand his own way. He allows you to choose stupidly, amen? Have you seen his bride? Have you seen who he's married to? Look around you people. 00:26:54.405 --> 00:27:11.690 She's not easy. Let me say this. The strongest partner must work the hardest at submission. In our day and age, it's usually not the dude. Like, I think there were times when it was the guys. 00:27:11.750 --> 00:27:17.125 You know, guys, you had a good run. Well, job. It's over. Like, you know, you had a good run. Thank you. 00:27:17.125 --> 00:27:23.945 You invented trains and airplanes, you know, awesome. It's over. Yeah. Right? You just gotta understand that. 00:27:24.165 --> 00:27:41.090 A lot of times nowadays, it's the wife that's struggling. She's the strongest, the most educated, and oftentimes, makes the most money. It's a difficult situation. The strongest personality has to work the hardest at submitting. Now, I married a strong woman. 00:27:41.090 --> 00:27:57.245 I did, but Tammy's personality is not as strong as mine. It just it just isn't. And so here's the thing I learned early on. I could win an argument and lose my marriage. I could be right and be totally wrong. 00:27:59.170 --> 00:28:12.790 You see, submission, ultimately, it's about learning to negotiate. How do how do we figure this thing out? How do we figure this thing out? When my wife and I first got married, I came home. Guys, the whole house was decorated in flowers. 00:28:14.025 --> 00:28:26.845 I was like, I didn't know you married a woman. You know, I'd love to meet her. You know? And so here's what I said to my wife. I said decorate the house however you want, but just let our friends know that a man lives here as well. 00:28:29.750 --> 00:28:38.890 And you know what she said? She was like, oh, I didn't think about that. Didn't think about that. And then I heard her sharing the same thing to her niece. She's like, sweetie, you're married to a man. 00:28:39.430 --> 00:28:57.025 Let this house reflect that in Jesus' name. Next, learn to submit to each other's God given ability. Tammy and I fought tooth and nail over simple things. Here's what we've learned over 26 years. Who's better at it? 00:28:57.245 --> 00:29:09.670 Who's better at it? I'm better at finances. My wife stresses out. We could have a $1,000,000 in the bank and she's like, we're running out of money. I'm like, but there's a $1,000,000. 00:29:09.670 --> 00:29:34.360 She said, but I know it. The world could end tomorrow. I'm like, okay. And so that's something, listen to me, we had to work through with counseling, 6 months of counseling, because my wife grew up in a home where money was scarce and oftentimes bills weren't paid, and it stressed her out. Now guys, I had to become trustworthy with that, and if I made a mistake, I had to be the first to admit it. 00:29:35.060 --> 00:29:44.095 You see, you gotta be really, really careful. Now I got some good friends in our small group. They're the exact opposite. The wife does the money. She's better at it. 00:29:44.555 --> 00:29:55.935 And that's the thing. There's not one way to do it. As a couple, you gotta figure out how do we leverage our strengths? How do we do that? And ultimately, here's what you gotta submit to. 00:29:56.130 --> 00:30:07.090 You gotta submit to what you know is right. What what's right? Not who's right. What is right? What is the good, right, and true thing? 00:30:07.090 --> 00:30:17.475 That's what's most important. What do we do? What do we submit to? So many times in marriages, it's just like anything. Some of us just wanna win the argument and we forgot about what's right. 00:30:18.735 --> 00:30:27.910 And let me just tell you something. Life is hard. Life is difficult. Marriage is work. Single people, marriage is work. 00:30:27.910 --> 00:30:39.590 Get off the Disney Channel. Marriage is work. There's more to it than just the kiss and the ride off in the magic sleigh. Right? And that's why so many people don't understand dating. 00:30:39.590 --> 00:30:45.075 It's all about you. Oh my gosh. You're sexy. Oh, I think you're sexy too. Let's be sexy together. 00:30:47.855 --> 00:31:03.500 And then that creates little terrorists that wake up every day plotting to overthrow you. And here's the thing, man. They wake up every day 5 AM, man. They're pumped. No coffee. 00:31:03.800 --> 00:31:13.065 No Red Bull. They're ready to go, baby. And you gotta figure it out. You gotta figure it out, man. How do we do this? 00:31:13.065 --> 00:31:24.710 And here's the thing is, Tammy and I are married because we work at it. We work at it. I was talking to a Christian woman. She's been Christian longer than I've been alive. I said, go to counseling. 00:31:25.490 --> 00:31:41.115 She started crying. She said, I can't believe my pastor thinks I need counseling. I was like, your pastor is in counseling. Some of us are so prideful. Sometimes as couples, you can't figure it out. 00:31:41.735 --> 00:31:51.150 You need a third party. You need a third party. And don't waste my time. Go pay somebody. You'll probably listen when you're paying. 00:31:52.410 --> 00:32:04.475 You know? Instead of wasting my time, you know, I'm just gonna, you know, use the pastor's time because I don't plan on listening to anything he says. Number 4. Wow. That was a little bit of my issue there, wasn't it? 00:32:04.475 --> 00:32:20.020 So number 4. Stay focused. In a Christian marriage, the husband has to find ways to love his wife like Jesus. So don't get lost in all the details. Look at the big picture. 00:32:20.560 --> 00:32:33.845 How do I love my wife like Jesus loves the church? Number 1, guys, service. Service. Figure out what your wife needs. Now, to be fair, ladies, I love you. 00:32:34.465 --> 00:32:44.440 Sometimes, you don't know what you need. So stop judging us. How are we supposed to know if you don't know? My gosh. Sometimes my wife feels like she married a psychic. 00:32:44.440 --> 00:32:52.700 I'm like, no. Psycho. Psycho. Not psychic. But here's one of the things. 00:32:53.000 --> 00:33:08.565 Tammy and I will end every conversation with these words. I say, what do you need from me? Because you know one of the reasons you keep having the same arguments and discussions over and over again? Nobody lands the plane. You know how you land the plane? 00:33:08.565 --> 00:33:16.920 What do you need? What do you need from me? And just say, how can I serve you? Some of you guys, well, I serve every day. I go to work. 00:33:16.920 --> 00:33:22.540 Okay. Good for you. Yay. What do you do when you come home? What do you do? 00:33:23.175 --> 00:33:32.475 And you have to negotiate that. You have to talk that through. You have to work that out. What can I do to help? Sometimes my help hurts. 00:33:33.495 --> 00:33:43.850 You know? Like I'll do something and Tammy's right behind me redoing it. I was like, okay. That's not that's not working. What can I do? 00:33:44.310 --> 00:33:52.035 What can I do to help? Sometimes the answer is get out of the way. Okay. Okay. And some of you guys, you're smart. 00:33:52.035 --> 00:34:01.175 You're like, you just do it and blame on purpose. Right? Stop doing that. He's like, oh, he's onto me. Next, sacrifice. 00:34:02.850 --> 00:34:26.345 Marriage must change what you're willing to die for. Ladies, listen to me. I know you don't like how guys can go psycho, like we can look like something needs to die, but God has put that in us to protect you and our family. Ladies, stop trying to make your man a woman. God has made him a little crazy for a reason. 00:34:27.605 --> 00:34:48.305 Okay? And that is because God has given the mantle of what must die on our shoulders and sometimes we have to protect. And we we we have to do things and and you need to respect that. So guys, what are what are you willing to die for? My wife and my kids. 00:34:49.405 --> 00:35:05.860 My wife and my kids. You break into my house. I am not praying for you and I am not leading you to Jesus. You're gonna meet Jesus, but my job my job is to protect you, to protect my wife. Excuse me. 00:35:05.860 --> 00:35:26.545 Not you. You gotta go down. So that's the thing is, but listen to me guys. The next way we love our wives like Christ is through gentleness. We never use the psycho in us on her ever, ever. 00:35:28.680 --> 00:35:48.595 Guys, you didn't marry a man. You married a woman and you need to speak to her like the bride of Christ she is. So even when she's at a 110%, guys, I love you. You can't go there because your 110% will lead you to prison. And ladies, we just all need to be honest about that. 00:35:49.055 --> 00:36:01.090 If we matched your level of energy, someone's call 911. Amen? So guys, you gotta bring it down. You gotta bring it down. Never use physical strength to intimidate ever. 00:36:01.870 --> 00:36:16.185 Ever. Last point. In a Christian marriage, the wife must find ways to respect her husband. Isn't it interesting that Paul gives all of these lists for guys, do this, do this, do that, do this, do this, do that. And then he goes to women. 00:36:16.185 --> 00:36:27.090 He's like, just respect him. Ladies, can I just be honest with you? We're pretty simple. Like my wife's always asking me, what are you thinking? Nothing. 00:36:30.910 --> 00:36:44.205 There's just there's just a bunch of this inside. Well, listen to me. Our job is much harder. You don't even understand yourself. We are very simple. 00:36:44.205 --> 00:36:50.765 We wanna eat. We wanna sleep. And if we're married, we wanna make love. Amen? It's just like and it's every day. 00:36:50.765 --> 00:37:00.180 Like, it just starts over every day. We just wake up. Amen, guys? When am I gonna eat? When do I get to sleep? 00:37:00.720 --> 00:37:10.415 When do we make love? Okay. Guys are pretty simple. Here's the thing I told Tammy years ago. Ladies, I want you to listen to me. 00:37:10.415 --> 00:37:31.750 I I get criticized a lot for what I do. People have a lot of opinions about me, some good, some bad. I can handle all the criticism in the world. When my wife criticizes me, it cuts me to the bone. Ladies, I want you to go to any male sporting event and they almost always have cheerleaders. 00:37:32.450 --> 00:37:48.220 Why is that? That's how fragile we are. Like, if you go to a women's sporting event and there are female cheerleaders, the women are like, shut up. What do guys need? You can do it. 00:37:48.220 --> 00:37:55.200 You can do it. Yes. You can. He's my man. Right? 00:38:01.035 --> 00:38:07.915 That's what we need. Be a cheerleader for your husband. Man, I love you. I appreciate you. I cherish you. 00:38:07.915 --> 00:38:28.550 I value you. Because here's the thing. Inside of this rugged interior is a very, very sensitive boy that wants to please his wife. And there's nothing more important to me than loving Tammy. And there's nothing more important to me than hearing that my wife feels loved and valued and cherished. 00:38:28.825 --> 00:38:49.110 And can I just say this, proud of me? So many men today never had a father who said what Jesus's dad said, well done. That's my son. I'm proud of him. So ladies, you have the second most important voice. 00:38:50.930 --> 00:39:10.430 You can't change what his dad didn't say, but you can change what you say. Learn to speak to your husband and say, I love you and I respect you, respect you. So let's be honest, our culture is coming out of what I call a male chauvinistic culture. Okay? So what is chauvinism? 00:39:10.730 --> 00:39:19.930 Some of you don't know the definition. Chauvinism is the belief that one gender is better than the other. That's where we came out of, right? Men are better. Women, you stay there, be cute. 00:39:19.930 --> 00:39:56.465 Like we didn't allow women to to play sports. We didn't allow women to have a voice, those things were egregious and wrong and terrible, but now what we always do in culture is we've swung way over here to what I'm calling a hyper feministic culture and we're a mess. We cannot exist when either sex wins, because when one gender wins, we both lose. And let me say this, ladies, 9 times out of 10, I don't have women saying my husband's abusive, loud or terrible. You know what I hear? 00:39:56.525 --> 00:40:29.100 Weak, doesn't lead, is a child, can't grow up. Now that doesn't mean that I'm right all the time, I'm just telling you 9 times out of 10, the complaint I get in our church isn't my man is overbearing in his leadership. The complaint I get is my husband has no idea how to lead or even be a man. I married a boy. That's because we've gone from this to way over here and it's killing our boys. 00:40:30.300 --> 00:40:49.425 And so we need to raise these boys to be men. So what that means in the church is we respect them and we don't tear them down and we don't blame them for everything that's gone wrong in history. I mean, we're not Hindus, right? You know what Hindus do? They blame you for what you did in your past life. 00:40:49.645 --> 00:41:14.250 You know what Jesus said? You're only accountable for what you do in your life. Jesus said you're not even accountable for what your parents do. Praise God. So let's just start praying for our boys that they would become men, that they would grow up wanting to be husbands, to love their wives, protect their families, and to lead like Jesus. 00:41:16.165 --> 00:41:51.375 And if that's toxic, okay, then let's be toxic because it's not. This passage has been abused. But listen to me, just because something's abused doesn't mean that we ignore the biblical text. We just don't listen to the idiots who abuse it, we reject them, not God. So let me close and and I'm just gonna, pray and I'm gonna ask all of the singles in our church, some of you are like, man, I don't know why I came to church, I don't know if I'm ever gonna get married, I don't know if you are either, but I know this, the married couples in this church need you. 00:41:51.755 --> 00:42:21.355 So I'm gonna ask you, if you're a married couple and your spouse is present with you, would you just hold hands. And then here's the thing you need to know as a church, we're a family that's made up of married couples and singles. We're all a part of the body of Christ. And what I wanna ask the singles to do is just to extend a hand and I want us to pray over these marriages, because some of you have missed this. Right when Paul ends his talk about marriage, he says this, we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against powers and principalities of the unseen world. 00:42:21.895 --> 00:42:40.145 God loves these marriages, Satan hates them, and he wants to rip you apart. So singles, would you just extend the hand with me as we pray over these couples? Let's bow our heads and close our eyes and pray. Father, we just pray in Jesus' name over these couples. We pray for love, respect, and mutual submission. 00:42:41.005 --> 00:43:05.670 God, we pray that husbands and wives would feel valued and honored in this church. God, we pray that you protect them from the enemy and you build up their marriage, you build up their life, and you protect their home. God, let Sandals be a place that gives hope to marriages, brings healing to marriages, and teaches young singles and people how to be married. Lord, bless us with this. In Jesus' name we pray. 00:43:06.050 --> 00:43:06.550 Amen. 00:43:08.695 --> 00:43:29.520 Thanks for listening to the Sandals Church podcast. Our vision here is to be real with ourselves, God, and others. At Sandals Church, we wanna see a movement of authenticity take place all over the world, and donating to the work of Sandals Church helps make that happen. If you want to support this movement here at Sandals Church, I want to invite you to visit donate. Sc. 00:43:29.820 --> 00:43:32.000 Thanks again for listening and God bless.