WEBVTT NOTE This file was generated by Descript 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:03.254 Hey, this is Mark Butler and you are listening to a podcast for coaches. 00:00:05.609 --> 00:00:10.890 I've had several experiences over the last few weeks that reminded me of my 00:00:10.890 --> 00:00:15.750 time in a specific kind of territory, a specific kind of state, and it's 00:00:15.750 --> 00:00:17.909 a state that I call superiority. 00:00:18.360 --> 00:00:21.330 Now, of course, I didn't make up superiority, and I don't have 00:00:21.330 --> 00:00:22.769 a technical definition for you. 00:00:23.400 --> 00:00:26.670 But I'm referring to what some people call a superiority complex. 00:00:26.670 --> 00:00:28.500 Others might call it grandiosity. 00:00:28.830 --> 00:00:37.434 Others might call it going one up or being one up but the idea here is that. 00:00:38.544 --> 00:00:43.134 There are certain relationships and certain interactions where one 00:00:43.134 --> 00:00:49.374 person in the relationship will come from a clear sense that they are 00:00:49.434 --> 00:00:51.324 right and the other person is wrong. 00:00:51.744 --> 00:00:55.824 That they are ahead and the other person is behind that they are above, 00:00:55.824 --> 00:01:00.534 and the other person below that, they are kind of in a parent role and the 00:01:00.534 --> 00:01:02.814 other person is kind of in a child role. 00:01:04.099 --> 00:01:08.570 That they are evolved and the other person is not. 00:01:10.359 --> 00:01:13.539 And in a real way, these things could be true. 00:01:14.219 --> 00:01:16.889 But I'm not talking about the scenarios where they're true. 00:01:17.564 --> 00:01:19.770 I'm talking about the scenarios where I. 00:01:20.639 --> 00:01:24.960 The person who's bringing that superiority to the interaction or to 00:01:24.960 --> 00:01:34.679 the relationship is doing so from a place of distortion, dishonesty, fear, 00:01:35.009 --> 00:01:40.229 and the way it expresses itself in the relationship is really through contempt. 00:01:42.549 --> 00:01:45.189 Now I bring this up because this is familiar territory for me. 00:01:46.539 --> 00:01:50.049 Thanks to coaching and thanks to a loving and patient wife. 00:01:50.469 --> 00:01:54.639 I would say over the last five years or so, I've become more and more 00:01:54.639 --> 00:01:56.859 aware of this pattern in myself. 00:01:57.249 --> 00:01:57.279 I. 00:01:58.254 --> 00:02:01.494 And I won't speak for anyone else, but here's what it looks like in me. 00:02:01.554 --> 00:02:07.194 What it looks like in me is that I have an internal, in some domains, not in every 00:02:07.194 --> 00:02:11.814 domain, but in some domains, I have a basic sense of not feeling like I'm good 00:02:11.814 --> 00:02:17.544 enough or feeling like I'm behind, or that I'm actually deep down kind of a loser. 00:02:19.134 --> 00:02:25.434 The way I cope is by reaching for an attitude of superiority, an attitude of 00:02:25.434 --> 00:02:31.724 criticism, and contempt for self that then gets expressed as contempt for others, 00:02:32.934 --> 00:02:39.624 and the way it shows up in my life and in my relationships is that when I'm in 00:02:39.624 --> 00:02:42.474 an emotionally activated interaction. 00:02:42.999 --> 00:02:45.699 Whether with a spouse or with a client. 00:02:46.659 --> 00:02:50.259 In a situation where I perceive risk, you could say, because with 00:02:50.259 --> 00:02:54.549 my spouse, I perceive the risk of maybe being left or maybe being 00:02:54.819 --> 00:02:56.289 unloved or something like that. 00:02:56.289 --> 00:02:59.889 And with a client, I perceive the risk of finding out that I'm 00:02:59.889 --> 00:03:03.149 actually not very effective in my work and that I'm not gonna be 00:03:03.149 --> 00:03:04.739 able to provide well for my family. 00:03:05.189 --> 00:03:08.189 These are emotionally activating situations, and when I get emotionally 00:03:08.189 --> 00:03:13.709 activated, what I do is I reach for my favorite tool and my favorite 00:03:13.709 --> 00:03:22.649 tool is I have the ability to rapidly take in and process ideas and then. 00:03:23.624 --> 00:03:24.674 Express them back. 00:03:25.134 --> 00:03:28.134 , I'm a rapid processor mentally and verbally. 00:03:29.424 --> 00:03:33.234 Well, that can serve me and my clients very well, but when I'm emotionally 00:03:33.234 --> 00:03:36.804 activated and feeling fragile and feeling insecure, or feeling fearful or 00:03:36.804 --> 00:03:44.244 feeling angry, what it looks like is a very well-spoken, fast talking bully. 00:03:45.640 --> 00:03:47.620 This is just how it expresses in me. 00:03:48.519 --> 00:03:52.659 It's using my strengths, wrapping them in insecurity and contempt, 00:03:52.990 --> 00:03:55.870 and sort of smashing the people in my life over the head with them, 00:03:57.880 --> 00:04:03.130 all the while pretending that I am in some way, doing them a favor. 00:04:04.630 --> 00:04:08.414 I understand this is very personal, what I'm sharing with you right now, and. 00:04:09.504 --> 00:04:12.324 I don't want you to think that I'm being hyper self-critical. 00:04:12.324 --> 00:04:17.214 I think one of the reasons I can say this in this setting is that as I've become 00:04:17.214 --> 00:04:23.384 aware of this over the last five plus years and in collaboration with, , a 00:04:23.384 --> 00:04:31.084 loving wife and great coaches, I think I'm making amazing progress on this. 00:04:31.140 --> 00:04:34.590 Hopefully that's not just grandiosity sneaking into today's episode. 00:04:35.490 --> 00:04:39.810 I check with my wife often and I say, how am I doing? 00:04:41.480 --> 00:04:44.000 , do you feel that your voice is welcome in the relationship? 00:04:44.270 --> 00:04:47.840 Do you feel that you have the time and space you. 00:04:48.680 --> 00:04:55.100 Want and need to process ideas without having me pounce and tell you the right 00:04:55.100 --> 00:05:00.260 answer or give you the sense that I want you to hurry up and see it my way. 00:05:00.980 --> 00:05:06.480 And I'm very grateful to say that as the years go by more and more often, 00:05:06.480 --> 00:05:08.250 she's saying, yeah, you're doing great.. 00:05:09.880 --> 00:05:11.440 And we can be there for each other in that way. 00:05:11.680 --> 00:05:15.280 Because I have this issue with superiority and Kate. 00:05:16.120 --> 00:05:18.280 Will say that she tends to go the other direction. 00:05:19.150 --> 00:05:22.210 Kate's my wife, Kate will say that she tends to go the other direction. 00:05:22.210 --> 00:05:25.900 Well, I can't speak to that 'cause that's not familiar territory for me. 00:05:26.890 --> 00:05:28.180 I'm not struggling with that. 00:05:28.720 --> 00:05:31.810 But superiority and inferiority both have their own ways of 00:05:31.810 --> 00:05:35.400 expressing themselves and they have , their own penalties basically. 00:05:36.330 --> 00:05:39.780 But the superiority thing has been mine, and I can come to you and speak about it 00:05:39.780 --> 00:05:42.570 today because I really do feel like I've. 00:05:43.409 --> 00:05:44.549 Made huge progress. 00:05:44.819 --> 00:05:48.419 The way I'm observing that progress in myself is that I am much more 00:05:48.419 --> 00:05:52.079 open to the ideas of others. 00:05:53.249 --> 00:05:58.679 I'm much less quick to go to criticism of others even when I am feeling insecure, 00:05:59.159 --> 00:06:02.369 because that's my favorite time to get superior is when I'm feeling insecure. 00:06:03.359 --> 00:06:04.229 I I'm much more. 00:06:04.729 --> 00:06:09.499 Calm and open in emotionally activated situations, both with my 00:06:09.770 --> 00:06:12.709 wife and kids and with my clients. 00:06:14.449 --> 00:06:17.869 I'm not incurring the internal penalties of superiority in the 00:06:17.869 --> 00:06:19.279 way that I have in the past, 00:06:21.319 --> 00:06:25.159 and it's a much better way of being for me. 00:06:25.659 --> 00:06:30.639 But it still does get sneaky, and I observe it sometimes in myself, 00:06:30.639 --> 00:06:35.769 and I observe it sometimes in my clients where it's subtle, 00:06:36.579 --> 00:06:38.769 but still limiting and harmful. 00:06:39.709 --> 00:06:45.199 Just because I don't engage in fast talking bully behaviors anymore, or 00:06:45.199 --> 00:06:50.929 not nearly as often, I and others with , my same struggle of superiority 00:06:51.649 --> 00:06:55.759 is that the superiority may still be there, but maybe it's internal. 00:06:57.199 --> 00:06:58.909 Maybe I'm still having the thought. 00:06:59.794 --> 00:07:07.864 Oh, well, if they would just see what I see, if they would just look at it 00:07:07.864 --> 00:07:13.144 the way I look at it, if they would just do the work that I've done, 00:07:14.704 --> 00:07:16.954 if they would catch up to me, I. 00:07:18.364 --> 00:07:20.464 Then we could really grow together. 00:07:21.094 --> 00:07:24.004 And you could say that equally about a client, or you could say that 00:07:24.004 --> 00:07:26.284 about a spouse or a romantic partner. 00:07:26.284 --> 00:07:30.604 You could say that about a child or a friend or a sibling. 00:07:30.604 --> 00:07:36.574 If my internal voice is still saying, uh, if they were just on my 00:07:36.574 --> 00:07:40.054 level, wouldn't they be better off? 00:07:41.604 --> 00:07:45.594 Even when there are clear and agreed upon improvements, that a client, 00:07:45.594 --> 00:07:49.524 a spouse, a sibling, a friend, a romantic partner, might want to 00:07:49.524 --> 00:07:53.874 make, if my internal voice is. 00:07:54.489 --> 00:08:01.419 Returning often to and fixating on my assessment of their performance 00:08:01.989 --> 00:08:08.799 that is that sneaky grandiosity coming back in to poison me against 00:08:09.279 --> 00:08:15.279 the person I love the person I'm in relationship with, and to rob me of 00:08:15.279 --> 00:08:18.369 increased insight and connection. 00:08:19.104 --> 00:08:19.914 With that person. 00:08:22.824 --> 00:08:25.464 So it's wonderful to not be a fast-talking bully. 00:08:25.944 --> 00:08:28.404 To the extent that I've eliminated that from my character, 00:08:30.564 --> 00:08:38.034 it's also wonderful and probably the next project to raise my awareness of 00:08:38.124 --> 00:08:47.574 the internal voice and to see if it is still indulging in this criticism. 00:08:49.194 --> 00:08:49.754 Contempt. 00:08:50.254 --> 00:08:51.544 I wanna be clear about something. 00:08:52.214 --> 00:08:56.915 If a person in service of not being critical or contemptuous of the people 00:08:56.915 --> 00:09:01.444 in their life swings the other direction and becomes critical and contemptuous of 00:09:01.444 --> 00:09:03.995 themselves, we've accomplished nothing. 00:09:04.775 --> 00:09:08.614 All we've done is gone from an attitude of superiority to an attitude of inferiority, 00:09:08.944 --> 00:09:10.895 which is its own losing strategy. 00:09:13.114 --> 00:09:16.714 What's between those is self-knowledge, self-acceptance. 00:09:19.624 --> 00:09:21.484 Openness and honesty. 00:09:21.984 --> 00:09:24.744 When we're engaging with our spouses, 00:09:26.384 --> 00:09:31.874 there are strategies we can use to raise our awareness of these things 00:09:32.204 --> 00:09:34.874 and to try to adopt a new way of being. 00:09:35.909 --> 00:09:41.309 Uh, thanks to the work I've done with my own coaches, I've developed a much greater 00:09:41.309 --> 00:09:47.489 sense of , my physical sensations when I'm slipping into the emotional place 00:09:47.969 --> 00:09:50.399 where this grandiosity manifests itself. 00:09:50.609 --> 00:09:55.649 And what I mean by that is I know how I feel when I start to be a bully. 00:09:56.369 --> 00:09:58.469 I know where the emotion lives in me. 00:09:59.199 --> 00:10:00.309 I kind of know the vibe I. 00:10:01.809 --> 00:10:06.879 And I've learned to recognize it and to say, oh, this is familiar territory, 00:10:07.749 --> 00:10:11.229 and whatever comes into my head next, and whatever comes outta my mouth next. 00:10:11.769 --> 00:10:15.300 If it's fueled by that feeling, it's not where I wanna be. 00:10:15.800 --> 00:10:20.540 There are also practical things that if I have a habit of grandiosity, 00:10:20.540 --> 00:10:22.400 superiority, criticism, contempt. 00:10:23.910 --> 00:10:29.430 Then I can actively go in the opposite direction of my old patterns. 00:10:29.430 --> 00:10:34.739 For example, when Kate and I have dealt with the Fast Talking 00:10:34.799 --> 00:10:38.789 bully, one of the ways to. 00:10:39.289 --> 00:10:44.679 Limit my effect is to do things like 24 hour processing periods. 00:10:45.759 --> 00:10:49.149 So if Kate and I are having an interaction where we are both feeling 00:10:49.149 --> 00:10:52.929 activated, we're both feeling like there's disagreement and it might be 00:10:52.929 --> 00:10:54.669 disagreement about an important thing. 00:10:55.779 --> 00:11:00.099 We already know that Kate is a slower processor than I am now. 00:11:00.099 --> 00:11:01.119 This is a key insight. 00:11:01.119 --> 00:11:06.189 It's not that she has a longer, slower process for getting to the truth. 00:11:07.179 --> 00:11:12.279 It's that she takes more time in an appropriate way to reason through her 00:11:12.279 --> 00:11:13.929 thoughts and feelings about the topic. 00:11:14.739 --> 00:11:18.789 I might be quicker to a response, but it's not necessarily the truth. 00:11:18.789 --> 00:11:19.629 That's the whole thing. 00:11:20.019 --> 00:11:25.539 So we have done things like 24 hour processing periods, and in those 24 hours, 00:11:26.439 --> 00:11:27.909 all that emotional activation goes away. 00:11:29.964 --> 00:11:33.609 We both have an opportunity to organize our thoughts and feelings 00:11:33.609 --> 00:11:39.089 about the subject and then come back together and now have a much 00:11:39.089 --> 00:11:45.269 more clear and open conversation in pursuit of insight and common ground. 00:11:46.139 --> 00:11:46.979 It works amazing 00:11:48.479 --> 00:11:49.274 In client work. 00:11:49.709 --> 00:11:53.819 If you have a tendency to fill the space. 00:11:54.319 --> 00:11:55.579 With your answers 00:11:57.379 --> 00:12:03.979 and crowd out your client's opportunity for insight for self-discovery, 00:12:04.479 --> 00:12:08.459 then one of the best strategies you can, , employ is just shut up. 00:12:09.774 --> 00:12:12.534 . If you're on zoom, mute yourself 00:12:14.574 --> 00:12:15.024 and listen. 00:12:16.764 --> 00:12:19.494 And while you're doing that, do some breathing. 00:12:19.944 --> 00:12:25.314 Do something internally to reorganize yourself, to regulate your emotion, 00:12:25.814 --> 00:12:28.934 and to be in a position to collaborate with your client in pursuit of insight. 00:12:30.234 --> 00:12:32.334 It would be totally reasonable to say to a client., 00:12:33.490 --> 00:12:38.110 I have this tendency, here's a thing I do when I get emotionally activated. 00:12:38.740 --> 00:12:42.430 The truth is sometimes it's hard for me to differentiate between when I'm at my 00:12:42.430 --> 00:12:45.310 best and when I'm actually at my worst. 00:12:46.150 --> 00:12:50.080 Sometimes I have a hard telling the difference between the two, so. 00:12:51.340 --> 00:12:54.670 If I feel like I'm gonna share an idea with you, I'm going 00:12:54.670 --> 00:12:56.620 to give it some extra space. 00:12:56.920 --> 00:12:59.620 You and I are gonna have a shorthand about it where I say, okay, I'm about 00:12:59.620 --> 00:13:05.080 to do the thing that I do, not so that we both brace against it, but so we both 00:13:05.080 --> 00:13:11.979 locate, locate it in its proper place, which means we might decide it's a great 00:13:11.979 --> 00:13:16.810 thing and run with it, and we might just immediately deposit it in the garbage can. 00:13:18.275 --> 00:13:23.355 That's pro relationship, that's collaborative, that works for 00:13:23.355 --> 00:13:26.234 all of us who struggle with this superiority and this grandiosity. 00:13:26.234 --> 00:13:26.265 I. 00:13:27.425 --> 00:13:32.015 While we're figuring out whether we have the issue, while we're figuring 00:13:32.015 --> 00:13:37.295 out to what degree it has seeped into all of our relationships, 00:13:39.215 --> 00:13:42.455 it's a good idea to just check in. 00:13:42.455 --> 00:13:42.965 Often I. 00:13:44.795 --> 00:13:49.745 And ask ourselves, was that me being superior or was 00:13:49.745 --> 00:13:51.365 that me being collaborative? 00:13:52.465 --> 00:13:58.465 The way I just acted in that interaction, was it self-soothing and indulgent 00:13:59.785 --> 00:14:01.070 because I was feeling fearful? 00:14:03.609 --> 00:14:07.210 Or was it open and confident and loving? 00:14:10.089 --> 00:14:13.889 Sometimes saying things that , are really difficult for the other person to hear. 00:14:14.250 --> 00:14:16.409 It's still open, confident, and loving. 00:14:17.339 --> 00:14:21.119 But for those of us who struggle with this kind of contemptuous 00:14:21.119 --> 00:14:26.849 superiority, we have to be willing to check with ourselves and others. 00:14:28.050 --> 00:14:30.180 Which one was I just then? 00:14:31.545 --> 00:14:36.075 I the person I wanna be, or was I the indulgent person I wanna leave 00:14:36.075 --> 00:14:42.855 behind as we practice our sense of which is, which will improve, 00:14:45.075 --> 00:14:48.609 and our ability to collaborate in an open and easy way with people 00:14:49.004 --> 00:14:52.065 we care about will improve as well. 00:14:53.524 --> 00:15:01.145 I think that we as coaches are more prone to superiority than to inferiority. 00:15:02.885 --> 00:15:09.645 I think a little bit of a superiority complex ,may have been a contributing 00:15:09.645 --> 00:15:12.494 factor to our desire to get into coaching in the first place. 00:15:14.015 --> 00:15:15.335 I'm not saying it's a bad thing. 00:15:16.175 --> 00:15:22.265 What I'm saying is if as we get into coaching, instead of using coaching 00:15:23.495 --> 00:15:29.615 to move ourselves to a healthier, less indulgent, more collaborative place, if 00:15:29.615 --> 00:15:32.645 we use coaching to add to the arsenal. 00:15:33.145 --> 00:15:37.225 Of weapons we pull out in interactions with those we love, 00:15:37.225 --> 00:15:39.325 and those we're serving as clients. 00:15:40.885 --> 00:15:41.845 That's not what we want. 00:15:42.255 --> 00:15:44.355 We want collaboration and connection. 00:15:44.775 --> 00:15:45.885 We want insight. 00:15:46.964 --> 00:15:50.135 We don't want our sense of superiority. 00:15:51.034 --> 00:15:55.415 To rob us of increased insight and growth within ourselves. 00:15:55.915 --> 00:15:57.895 So let's raise our awareness of it. 00:16:00.444 --> 00:16:05.605 Again, I can say all this today and not feel emotionally activated while I'm 00:16:05.605 --> 00:16:09.335 saying it because now I know what it is. 00:16:10.085 --> 00:16:13.175 It has a name, it has a certain emotion for me. 00:16:13.775 --> 00:16:15.905 It doesn't mean that I never fall back into it. 00:16:17.915 --> 00:16:22.345 Now I have so much awareness around it that when it happens, I can 00:16:22.345 --> 00:16:26.275 quickly correct, I can apologize, and I can decide to be better. 00:16:27.205 --> 00:16:31.615 But on average, this is becoming less and less a part of my life. 00:16:33.055 --> 00:16:39.385 I wish the same for all of us who are fragile in this way. 00:16:40.645 --> 00:16:42.955 And with that, I will talk to you next time.