WEBVTT NOTE This file was generated by Descript 00:00:01.530 --> 00:00:03.570 Hello hello hello! 00:00:04.260 --> 00:00:10.770 This is a podcast for the insatiably curious mystic, witch and weirdo. 00:00:12.250 --> 00:00:13.420 She who is seeking. 00:00:14.560 --> 00:00:17.770 Each episode, I explore a theme with curiosity. 00:00:18.759 --> 00:00:20.049 What have I learned? 00:00:20.110 --> 00:00:22.689 And what am I still hoping to learn or experience? 00:00:23.170 --> 00:00:24.909 What have I found to be true? 00:00:25.030 --> 00:00:27.549 And how can I integrate it into my life? 00:00:28.390 --> 00:00:29.710 What do I think I know.? 00:00:30.100 --> 00:00:33.730 And perhaps most importantly, what am I missing? 00:00:34.960 --> 00:00:36.790 Some important housekeeping. 00:00:38.089 --> 00:00:41.839 I am not a medical or mental health care professional. 00:00:42.199 --> 00:00:45.620 So please be advised that you're responsible for your 00:00:45.620 --> 00:00:47.089 own health and wellbeing. 00:00:48.720 --> 00:00:51.870 If you're in need of medical or mental health care. 00:00:52.290 --> 00:00:54.629 And it feels too overwhelming. 00:00:55.500 --> 00:00:58.230 Partner with somebody that you trust to help you get looped 00:00:58.230 --> 00:00:59.580 into the help that you need 00:01:01.340 --> 00:01:05.390 . Also, I will make mistakes, but I will always try to learn from them. 00:01:05.960 --> 00:01:09.860 So please be patient with me as I'm always doing the best that I can. 00:01:10.850 --> 00:01:17.071 And on that note welcome to today's episode welcome to the 00:01:17.071 --> 00:01:19.171 She Who Is Seeking podcast. 00:01:19.801 --> 00:01:24.331 I'm your host, Meena Melissa Leigh today in the podcast, we're going 00:01:24.331 --> 00:01:26.971 to discuss she who is seeking. 00:01:27.241 --> 00:01:28.051 Bravery. 00:01:29.341 --> 00:01:33.121 This feels like a very important and timely topic for me to explore. 00:01:34.201 --> 00:01:37.261 Because right now I'm realizing that without bravery. 00:01:37.981 --> 00:01:41.161 Or at least pretending like I have some bravery. 00:01:41.641 --> 00:01:43.021 I wouldn't be doing this. 00:01:43.361 --> 00:01:45.281 I've had a lot of fear in the past. 00:01:46.211 --> 00:01:49.331 And it's hard to be brave when you're feeling really fearful. 00:01:50.111 --> 00:01:53.981 And to be honest, I'm not sure if this episode is going to be. 00:01:54.491 --> 00:02:00.611 More about the fear that I've moved through or the bravery that I found, 00:02:00.761 --> 00:02:02.711 but let's just see what happens. 00:02:04.409 --> 00:02:08.039 I want to share a quote from the bad-ass Grace Jones. 00:02:08.579 --> 00:02:11.869 Who happens to share the same birthday as I do. 00:02:13.699 --> 00:02:14.959 "I've always been a rebel. 00:02:15.349 --> 00:02:18.019 I never do things the way they're supposed to be done. 00:02:18.589 --> 00:02:23.119 Either I go in the opposite direction or a create a new direction for myself. 00:02:23.539 --> 00:02:27.019 Regardless of what the rules or society says." 00:02:28.019 --> 00:02:33.209 And I really agree with Grace Jones and that's how I try to live my life. 00:02:33.239 --> 00:02:33.779 And yet. 00:02:34.319 --> 00:02:37.169 Fear is a fuckery. 00:02:37.199 --> 00:02:40.409 I mean, it can really get in there. 00:02:41.409 --> 00:02:45.849 For anyone that's been tempted to play small or hide in the background. 00:02:46.239 --> 00:02:48.039 The following won't come as a shock. 00:02:48.969 --> 00:02:51.459 And that's fear, counteracts growth. 00:02:52.149 --> 00:02:55.659 It's smothers dreams and stifles expansion. 00:02:56.169 --> 00:02:59.859 Fear in all of its forms is like a corset or a vice. 00:03:00.159 --> 00:03:04.599 Squeezing the daring and the hope tight until you yield. 00:03:05.679 --> 00:03:08.379 But we can become resilient to its attack. 00:03:08.979 --> 00:03:11.859 We may still be afraid and hesitate. 00:03:12.639 --> 00:03:17.889 But if we're willing to play even 10% bigger than we have in the 00:03:17.889 --> 00:03:20.199 past, we're in a better place. 00:03:20.979 --> 00:03:25.749 And if each time we get a little more bold and perhaps even approach 00:03:25.749 --> 00:03:30.589 the situation in a different way, we will find it gets easier. 00:03:31.849 --> 00:03:36.919 I think there's an interlocking relationship between bravery and fear. 00:03:38.809 --> 00:03:43.399 They can be teased apart but will stitch back together like thorny 00:03:43.429 --> 00:03:46.369 overgrown brambles, if not attended to. 00:03:47.359 --> 00:03:48.779 Fear is complex. 00:03:49.139 --> 00:03:52.379 And sneaky, it's insidious and it gets in deep. 00:03:52.769 --> 00:03:55.829 It can manifest in your body as anxiety. 00:03:56.249 --> 00:04:03.389 And we all know that when anxiety is in there, It can take on a life of its own. 00:04:04.829 --> 00:04:11.279 It can manifest as greed, which I think is just a fear of lack of not having enough. 00:04:11.579 --> 00:04:15.239 Whether it's enough power or a fear that you'll be caught 00:04:15.239 --> 00:04:19.059 destitute or alone or helpless. 00:04:20.059 --> 00:04:23.174 Like I said there's many forms of fear. 00:04:23.744 --> 00:04:26.984 And i think that there's many faces of bravery. 00:04:27.984 --> 00:04:33.354 So I've had my fair share of fear, and it's either stopped or put on hold a 00:04:33.354 --> 00:04:35.484 lot of things that i've wanted to do. 00:04:36.699 --> 00:04:42.759 I have had a fear of wasting my life, which is extremely ironic to me because 00:04:42.759 --> 00:04:50.619 the fear that I experience kind of was this self fulfilling prophecy where I did 00:04:51.129 --> 00:04:53.289 probably waste quite a bit of my life. 00:04:53.799 --> 00:04:56.846 And because of that fear, I was hiding. 00:04:57.656 --> 00:05:00.416 And I was so afraid of rejection. 00:05:01.316 --> 00:05:07.916 And of being seen again and being hurt once more and that it would be even 00:05:07.916 --> 00:05:12.896 deeper than it had been the other times, and it would be too much to ever come 00:05:12.896 --> 00:05:15.566 back from and I would be lost forever. 00:05:16.166 --> 00:05:26.036 That I just sort of let that stop me, and, to be honest, it's very easy to. 00:05:26.786 --> 00:05:28.016 Play things small. 00:05:29.426 --> 00:05:33.776 There's really not very many people who are going to identify that in 00:05:33.776 --> 00:05:36.476 you and sort of bring you out of it. 00:05:36.836 --> 00:05:39.396 It does have to be something that comes from within. 00:05:39.396 --> 00:05:45.276 I think that the way I was able to transition through that fear 00:05:45.306 --> 00:05:47.226 is by really identifying it. 00:05:48.216 --> 00:05:53.526 And that is not once or twice, but over and over again. 00:05:55.296 --> 00:06:04.896 The last few years, often I would be doing inner work and I would identify some of 00:06:04.896 --> 00:06:11.916 the things that I didn't like about my life, or maybe even about myself and a 00:06:11.916 --> 00:06:15.066 lot of it stripped back was just fear. 00:06:15.426 --> 00:06:22.463 It was fear to do something like Podcast let's say, because I was afraid that 00:06:22.463 --> 00:06:27.383 I couldn't figure out how to do the editing and all the computer stuff. 00:06:27.503 --> 00:06:32.243 And that I might run out of things to talk about, or that what I had to say 00:06:32.273 --> 00:06:36.549 was an important enough and nobody would care and nobody would want to listen. 00:06:36.549 --> 00:06:44.700 Or it could be something like being brave and putting my voice out there and 00:06:45.420 --> 00:06:53.310 maybe having somebody come for me, and, you know that kind of thing can happen. 00:06:54.300 --> 00:06:58.860 But, if you really want to live your life to the fullest. 00:06:59.250 --> 00:07:05.700 And you want to accomplish dreams that you have, and make an impact 00:07:05.700 --> 00:07:12.780 in a way that feels in line with your dreams and your destiny then 00:07:12.780 --> 00:07:14.340 you got to get a hold of that. 00:07:15.600 --> 00:07:22.950 For me I think I handled this the same way that I handle a lot of things, which 00:07:22.950 --> 00:07:29.160 is to think about it and contemplate what it is and how it's affected me. 00:07:29.670 --> 00:07:32.430 And what it is that I actually want. 00:07:33.180 --> 00:07:37.710 And I would imagine what it would be like to have those things. 00:07:38.490 --> 00:07:44.790 And I'd allow myself to feel what it felt like to have accomplished 00:07:44.790 --> 00:07:46.680 something that was important to me. 00:07:47.790 --> 00:07:50.340 And really feel into it. 00:07:50.520 --> 00:07:57.840 That way that we do as witches, or visionaries where we can really hold 00:07:57.840 --> 00:08:00.030 onto it and see it and taste it. 00:08:01.050 --> 00:08:08.400 And then I would think back and remove all those layers of hopefulness and 00:08:09.540 --> 00:08:16.650 dreamy ideals and I get really real about what I was operating from. 00:08:17.820 --> 00:08:22.860 And I would kind of tune up and down that scale. 00:08:23.880 --> 00:08:29.010 And see, what does it feel like if I don't change anything and I keep 00:08:29.040 --> 00:08:31.230 operating from this place of fear. 00:08:32.340 --> 00:08:36.990 And what does it feel like if I really turn that dial up? 00:08:37.860 --> 00:08:43.170 And it gets to that magical music of what I want my life to feel like. 00:08:44.670 --> 00:08:52.440 I think with this as with so many things, it came down to that notion 00:08:52.440 --> 00:08:55.470 of what is more uncomfortable to me? 00:08:56.040 --> 00:09:03.840 Staying in this very comfortable homey place of fear? 00:09:05.250 --> 00:09:12.150 Or is it more uncomfortable for me to lose out on things that I really want to do? 00:09:13.140 --> 00:09:18.840 And it definitely just started edging more consistently towards 00:09:18.849 --> 00:09:21.039 needing to step into that bravery. 00:09:22.389 --> 00:09:27.339 Because all the things that I wanted to do required me to shed that fear. 00:09:28.339 --> 00:09:31.999 But I'm aware that that kind of thing is easier said than done. 00:09:32.749 --> 00:09:35.869 So I decided to model bravery for myself. 00:09:36.439 --> 00:09:40.909 And create some new muscle memory and some new grooves in my brain. 00:09:41.899 --> 00:09:46.699 Because we all know that those neuropathways are no joke. 00:09:47.299 --> 00:09:52.369 So I made a list of things that I could do that would require me to be a little more 00:09:52.369 --> 00:09:55.219 brave and do something that scared me. 00:09:55.729 --> 00:09:57.169 Just a little bit. 00:09:58.429 --> 00:10:01.549 I do something if not every day, then every week. 00:10:01.999 --> 00:10:04.699 And I just made a list and started doing those things. 00:10:05.299 --> 00:10:10.879 And I just worked it into fitting in little acts of bravery, wherever I could. 00:10:11.689 --> 00:10:13.579 Proving that it wasn't going to kill me. 00:10:14.579 --> 00:10:18.929 It might seem silly for somebody on the outside, not experiencing it, but. 00:10:19.469 --> 00:10:28.199 When you're in fear you're not necessarily being your most logical self and part 00:10:28.199 --> 00:10:32.609 of your lizard brain, really does think that this stuff is going to kill you. 00:10:33.359 --> 00:10:37.919 So it's nice to just take little steps towards proving 00:10:38.339 --> 00:10:39.779 that you're going to be okay 00:10:40.845 --> 00:10:46.695 So the more I did that, the more I proved to myself that it was okay 00:10:46.695 --> 00:10:49.215 to sort of just try things out. 00:10:50.215 --> 00:10:57.115 Some of the other things I did to increase my bravery were maybe 00:10:57.115 --> 00:10:59.065 not as easy to see in the moment. 00:10:59.125 --> 00:11:07.375 And it was more about making choices that I knew would have a big impact in my life. 00:11:07.795 --> 00:11:12.775 And that we're really kind of getting me closer to who I wanted to be. 00:11:13.835 --> 00:11:20.165 Some of the instances that I didn't identify in the moment as being related 00:11:20.165 --> 00:11:24.995 to bravery because they actually were interconnected to so many other 00:11:24.995 --> 00:11:33.545 aspects of my life, things like really holding my boundaries with some 00:11:33.545 --> 00:11:36.455 of the people who I love the most. 00:11:37.145 --> 00:11:40.295 And that's always the hardest thing to do, right? 00:11:40.325 --> 00:11:45.905 Like it's easy to hold a boundary with somebody who maybe is not your cup of tea 00:11:45.905 --> 00:11:51.715 or you don't really care for, but it's the people with who were the closest, 00:11:51.715 --> 00:11:58.075 I think it's the hardest to do .So that could be your love interest or a parent 00:11:58.165 --> 00:12:03.035 or maybe a beloved teacher or mentor. 00:12:03.425 --> 00:12:09.365 Somebody who is really important to you and who you feel like it's possible 00:12:09.455 --> 00:12:16.685 to sort of lose love, or get out of their good graces by being really 00:12:16.685 --> 00:12:18.665 honest and holding that boundary. 00:12:19.895 --> 00:12:23.735 But I did hold a boundary. 00:12:25.085 --> 00:12:29.615 Somebody who I had deferred to many times in the past. 00:12:30.275 --> 00:12:34.055 And it was really interesting because I'm going to be honest. 00:12:34.445 --> 00:12:36.965 It was painful. 00:12:37.935 --> 00:12:41.595 This whole circumstance was nearly washed away with the 00:12:41.595 --> 00:12:43.335 tears that were created from it. 00:12:45.315 --> 00:12:48.065 But even though it was so uncomfortable. 00:12:48.875 --> 00:12:56.415 I held that boundary and I knew that it could be potentially undermining 00:12:56.415 --> 00:12:58.545 the dynamic of that relationship. 00:12:59.565 --> 00:13:00.885 I did it anyway. 00:13:01.335 --> 00:13:05.745 I was staying in line with who I knew I wanted to be. 00:13:07.065 --> 00:13:09.285 The kind of person that I wanted to be. 00:13:10.065 --> 00:13:18.255 And in those moments, I could sort of see these different timelines playing out. 00:13:19.125 --> 00:13:24.285 By doing this because it was something that was so far out of the realm 00:13:24.285 --> 00:13:26.025 of what I had done in the past. 00:13:26.895 --> 00:13:32.475 I could tell I was basically making a new timeline for myself by doing this. 00:13:33.795 --> 00:13:35.925 I was allowing it to unfold. 00:13:37.275 --> 00:13:45.505 And the whole while I was keeping the vision I had in mind about how I wanted my 00:13:45.505 --> 00:13:47.965 life to be and how I wanted to be treated. 00:13:48.655 --> 00:13:52.705 And how I wanted to be perceived in the world. 00:13:53.635 --> 00:13:59.065 In a bigger landscape, not just in this moment, not just with these people 00:13:59.665 --> 00:14:04.245 but with everyone that I encountered. 00:14:04.855 --> 00:14:13.405 I reacted in this situation in a way where I was essentially modeling for 00:14:13.405 --> 00:14:20.185 myself what I wanted to see from my future self and I was doing it in this 00:14:20.185 --> 00:14:28.255 moment, and the fear that was there was just shaking me to the core. 00:14:28.885 --> 00:14:35.725 And the sadness that was accompanying it and all of the emotions that were 00:14:35.725 --> 00:14:43.435 wrapped up in it were so much that my body felt like it couldn't handle it. 00:14:43.585 --> 00:14:54.805 And I allowed all of this to be processed through tears, and I was just crying in 00:14:54.805 --> 00:14:59.605 this deep and seemingly unending way. 00:15:00.981 --> 00:15:05.151 That in itself could be really uncomfortable for someone to witness. 00:15:05.991 --> 00:15:12.111 But I held with it and I allowed all of the fear to come through. 00:15:13.191 --> 00:15:16.311 And be shed in tears in real time. 00:15:16.881 --> 00:15:25.791 The short of the story is it was very painful and it culminated in New Mexico 00:15:25.851 --> 00:15:35.121 under this insanely gorgeous thundering sky with lightning and fog and this 00:15:35.121 --> 00:15:43.461 magical rain that washed a lot of all that just heaviness away from me. 00:15:44.571 --> 00:15:49.161 And it also was the beginning of the end for a relationship 00:15:49.161 --> 00:15:50.841 that wasn't serving me anymore. 00:15:52.491 --> 00:15:55.761 And maybe this isn't the best example to use. 00:15:56.721 --> 00:16:00.881 Because I did have a loss and sometimes people are afraid 00:16:00.881 --> 00:16:03.821 of that, but, I will say this. 00:16:05.591 --> 00:16:10.181 There was actually nothing lost and everything gained. 00:16:10.871 --> 00:16:15.761 From that experience, I was able to stand in my self worth. 00:16:16.781 --> 00:16:21.461 And stand in my own values. 00:16:22.001 --> 00:16:29.891 And I was able to confront fear and be brave enough to do what I knew 00:16:30.521 --> 00:16:38.381 would get me to the next step in really valuing myself as being the 00:16:38.381 --> 00:16:40.841 most important voice in my own life. 00:16:41.410 --> 00:16:45.070 If you are female or femme, you're most likely used to 00:16:45.100 --> 00:16:46.730 your voice being marginalized. 00:16:47.120 --> 00:16:48.890 So I want to say that again for you. 00:16:50.000 --> 00:16:54.350 Your voice is the most important voice in your life. 00:16:55.280 --> 00:16:57.170 Not the voice of fear. 00:16:58.640 --> 00:17:02.360 Not the voice of hiding, not the voice of staying small. 00:17:03.860 --> 00:17:08.030 In fact, my hope for you is that your voice will be synonymous 00:17:08.030 --> 00:17:09.470 with the voice of bravery. 00:17:11.090 --> 00:17:16.310 Also make no mistake about conquering fear once and then forever. 00:17:17.090 --> 00:17:20.600 I think it's easy to feel like we can just clear the decks. 00:17:21.050 --> 00:17:22.340 And be rid of it forever. 00:17:24.080 --> 00:17:30.339 But like we're learning about so many other things these days, I 00:17:30.339 --> 00:17:35.919 believe it's more likely that fear and bravery are on a continuum. 00:17:36.879 --> 00:17:41.919 And we just need to strive for being more and more brave each day. 00:17:43.839 --> 00:17:47.979 And we need to reach out for our dreams and speak up when 00:17:47.979 --> 00:17:49.239 somebody is getting bullied. 00:17:50.049 --> 00:17:54.129 Or come out of the darkness and use our voice at full volume. 00:17:55.269 --> 00:18:00.759 I think trying to attain bravery is a practice. 00:18:02.109 --> 00:18:06.149 It's along the lines of meditating or anything else that seems 00:18:06.329 --> 00:18:10.619 ridiculously hard in the beginning, but it gets easier as time goes on. 00:18:11.429 --> 00:18:15.089 That bravery muscle can be toned and strengthened. 00:18:15.569 --> 00:18:20.249 Until it's ready to lift you up and carry you through any difficult situation. 00:18:22.209 --> 00:18:26.229 My hope is to always be of service and to help. 00:18:27.549 --> 00:18:29.349 Even if it's just in a small way. 00:18:30.039 --> 00:18:37.869 And I thought the example that I used was a very personal one and it might 00:18:37.899 --> 00:18:41.949 be too amorphous to put into practice. 00:18:41.949 --> 00:18:50.469 So I thought I'd share what I do when I am working towards bravery. 00:18:50.499 --> 00:18:52.119 So this is a little checklist. 00:18:52.619 --> 00:18:57.809 When I am seeking bravery, but confronted by fear. 00:18:58.649 --> 00:19:00.029 I name it. 00:19:01.709 --> 00:19:05.909 And perhaps more importantly, what fear is under that? 00:19:06.689 --> 00:19:07.799 Is it loss? 00:19:08.249 --> 00:19:09.299 Is it judgment? 00:19:09.929 --> 00:19:10.439 Name it. 00:19:10.829 --> 00:19:12.749 Because when we name something. 00:19:13.319 --> 00:19:15.719 We gain power over it. 00:19:16.719 --> 00:19:20.079 Then acknowledge where you feel it in your body. 00:19:20.979 --> 00:19:22.629 Breathe deeply. 00:19:23.169 --> 00:19:27.399 And imagine that that fear is loosening. 00:19:29.109 --> 00:19:34.419 Breathe more deeply and allow the fear to loosen even more. 00:19:35.169 --> 00:19:36.789 And continue to do that. 00:19:37.359 --> 00:19:41.529 Until you feel like you are gaining some power over it. 00:19:42.529 --> 00:19:48.229 Then ask yourself, what will you lose by feeding fear? 00:19:49.229 --> 00:19:51.029 And it helps to name that too. 00:19:51.629 --> 00:19:53.009 So you're really clear. 00:19:54.299 --> 00:20:00.569 And then visualize what can you gain by feeding bravery? 00:20:02.399 --> 00:20:03.179 And name that. 00:20:04.179 --> 00:20:06.969 Which choice feels better. 00:20:08.709 --> 00:20:11.889 This doesn't have to be a choice made with your mind. 00:20:12.489 --> 00:20:16.779 Allow you to make it with your heart, which one feels better? 00:20:17.779 --> 00:20:21.649 And what one step can you take toward bravery? 00:20:22.789 --> 00:20:25.309 Take a deep breath and ask. 00:20:26.059 --> 00:20:27.409 Can you take another step? 00:20:28.409 --> 00:20:29.909 Can you hold this boundary? 00:20:30.909 --> 00:20:34.689 If you can take more steps, continue to repeat this process. 00:20:35.229 --> 00:20:38.679 But as soon as you hit your wall, no worries. 00:20:39.279 --> 00:20:45.399 Just hold that boundary and thank yourself for being willing to grow your bravery. 00:20:45.899 --> 00:20:50.829 I want to end with a quote that is from a friend of mine. 00:20:52.589 --> 00:20:55.829 I told her that I was doing this first episode on fear, and 00:20:55.829 --> 00:20:57.599 I asked if she had any input. 00:20:58.229 --> 00:20:59.969 And this is what she said. 00:21:00.969 --> 00:21:03.069 " It is okay to feel fear. 00:21:03.519 --> 00:21:05.739 But you don't have to let it stop you. 00:21:06.549 --> 00:21:09.779 And if it does , you don't have to beat yourself up or torture 00:21:09.809 --> 00:21:14.489 yourself because you can get stuck and end up feeling hopeless. 00:21:15.089 --> 00:21:18.509 Have unconditional positive regard for yourself. 00:21:19.169 --> 00:21:20.999 Don't label yourself a coward. 00:21:21.449 --> 00:21:24.989 There's always another opportunity to practice bravery. 00:21:25.859 --> 00:21:29.069 " And that quote is from, my friend, Ashley Amaru. 00:21:29.729 --> 00:21:31.109 And I really love it. 00:21:31.169 --> 00:21:35.669 And on that note, I would like to thank you from the bottom of my 00:21:35.669 --> 00:21:38.099 heart for listening to this episode. 00:21:38.789 --> 00:21:44.159 And I would also like to let you know that you can find me over on Instagram 00:21:44.189 --> 00:21:50.969 and perhaps doing some silly TikToks and both of those are @shewhoisseeking 00:21:51.639 --> 00:21:54.039 I'm really interested in building community. 00:21:54.969 --> 00:21:57.009 And I'd love to hear from you. 00:21:57.769 --> 00:22:03.529 The music is called Snake River by Siren and The Sea.