1 00:00:00,230 --> 00:00:07,130 [Music] 2 00:00:10,759 --> 00:00:14,559 this is parenting for the everyday a 3 00:00:12,799 --> 00:00:17,080 podcast dedicated to meeting parents in 4 00:00:14,559 --> 00:00:19,240 the trenches of Parenthood we explore 5 00:00:17,080 --> 00:00:20,840 how our faith fits into our parenting 6 00:00:19,240 --> 00:00:22,960 with the help of our guests we are 7 00:00:20,840 --> 00:00:25,320 seeking practical tips on how the gospel 8 00:00:22,960 --> 00:00:27,160 can speak into our day-to-day parenting 9 00:00:25,320 --> 00:00:29,080 from the easy stuff to the hard stuff we 10 00:00:27,160 --> 00:00:30,640 want to talk about it all this is 11 00:00:29,080 --> 00:00:33,320 parenting for the everyday day I'm Becca 12 00:00:30,640 --> 00:00:35,879 alfarez and I'm holiday krew and I am so 13 00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:37,360 excited about this episode today we are 14 00:00:35,879 --> 00:00:40,320 actually talking about generational 15 00:00:37,360 --> 00:00:43,559 parenting gaps um and we have in the 16 00:00:40,320 --> 00:00:45,039 studio my lovely and wonderful mother 17 00:00:43,559 --> 00:00:49,520 mom will you introduce 18 00:00:45,039 --> 00:00:52,120 yourself sure I am Karen coffee I'm 19 00:00:49,520 --> 00:00:56,840 actually married to Joe coffee we have 20 00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:59,359 three adult children and six 21 00:00:56,840 --> 00:01:02,440 grandchildren and this episode really 22 00:00:59,359 --> 00:01:03,879 came out of a very funny Instagram video 23 00:01:02,440 --> 00:01:05,560 that I sent my mom that just talked 24 00:01:03,879 --> 00:01:07,479 about all the different things that are 25 00:01:05,560 --> 00:01:09,720 different about Millennial parents and 26 00:01:07,479 --> 00:01:12,320 baby boomer parents and although the 27 00:01:09,720 --> 00:01:14,840 video itself was super super funny there 28 00:01:12,320 --> 00:01:16,400 were so many relatable things in it that 29 00:01:14,840 --> 00:01:18,400 made us think about it and be like oh my 30 00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:21,079 gosh we should actually have this on a 31 00:01:18,400 --> 00:01:22,680 podcast because although there can be 32 00:01:21,079 --> 00:01:25,680 some really funny differences there can 33 00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:28,400 also be some differences that uh can 34 00:01:25,680 --> 00:01:32,320 create chasms between relationship and 35 00:01:28,400 --> 00:01:34,960 even hurt feelings and so feeling like 36 00:01:32,320 --> 00:01:37,320 um I am a relatively new mother I have a 37 00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:38,880 three-year-old and a one-year-old and 38 00:01:37,320 --> 00:01:41,360 something that I've always appreciated 39 00:01:38,880 --> 00:01:43,920 about my mom as I went through a lot of 40 00:01:41,360 --> 00:01:46,520 new things and trying out new strategies 41 00:01:43,920 --> 00:01:48,920 is that she was so supportive and worked 42 00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:51,159 hard to understand my perspective 43 00:01:48,920 --> 00:01:55,840 instead of just telling me how things 44 00:01:51,159 --> 00:01:58,600 should go and imparting imposing her 45 00:01:55,840 --> 00:02:00,680 mothering on me she let me do it on my 46 00:01:58,600 --> 00:02:02,520 own and try to understand 47 00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:06,159 the reasons I was doing things which I 48 00:02:02,520 --> 00:02:08,119 really appreciated so let's dive on in 49 00:02:06,159 --> 00:02:10,920 know I need all these notes so that when 50 00:02:08,119 --> 00:02:12,760 I become a grandma I can I can do it 51 00:02:10,920 --> 00:02:15,760 right so Karen I'm taking notes I'm 52 00:02:12,760 --> 00:02:18,120 taking notes on come naturally Holly 53 00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:19,840 okay Mom what do you think are the 54 00:02:18,120 --> 00:02:22,840 biggest differences in parenting 55 00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:23,680 approaches between our generation and 56 00:02:22,840 --> 00:02:26,640 your 57 00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:30,000 generation yeah that's a great question 58 00:02:26,640 --> 00:02:32,879 and I'm just I'm so honored to be here I 59 00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:35,360 um as I said I think in another podcast 60 00:02:32,879 --> 00:02:37,040 I love being a mom and I love being a 61 00:02:35,360 --> 00:02:39,519 grandmother and I love the way those two 62 00:02:37,040 --> 00:02:42,319 work together and part of my heart I 63 00:02:39,519 --> 00:02:45,519 think is to make sure that those two 64 00:02:42,319 --> 00:02:49,120 worlds continue to work together so some 65 00:02:45,519 --> 00:02:50,519 of the things that um I have recognized 66 00:02:49,120 --> 00:02:52,720 that are so different of course 67 00:02:50,519 --> 00:02:56,720 everybody knows social media is 68 00:02:52,720 --> 00:03:00,200 different when I had the my three kids 69 00:02:56,720 --> 00:03:02,760 um we we literally brought Jeremy home 70 00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:07,239 in like a Moses basket and put the seat 71 00:03:02,760 --> 00:03:10,959 belt over it so equipment he is real 72 00:03:07,239 --> 00:03:15,200 sturdy and so equipment is number one is 73 00:03:10,959 --> 00:03:17,920 so different the sound machines the the 74 00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:22,560 blankets the 75 00:03:17,920 --> 00:03:26,040 bags I always call her weighted sack a 76 00:03:22,560 --> 00:03:29,280 bag um what are some of the oh cameras 77 00:03:26,040 --> 00:03:31,840 holy smokes cameras everywhere we had 78 00:03:29,280 --> 00:03:37,239 none of things and and weren't even 79 00:03:31,840 --> 00:03:41,239 required to have a car seat so for me um 80 00:03:37,239 --> 00:03:44,760 it's completely different also social 81 00:03:41,239 --> 00:03:47,319 media for you guys is kind of your um 82 00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:49,680 your teacher if you will for me it was 83 00:03:47,319 --> 00:03:52,280 my group of friends so if my group of 84 00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:55,120 friends Ed cloth diapers then I use 85 00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:58,079 cloth diapers which I did if you know 86 00:03:55,120 --> 00:03:59,319 really she sure did holy smokes so glad 87 00:03:58,079 --> 00:04:01,959 they they don't do that anymore I was 88 00:03:59,319 --> 00:04:05,040 going to say did you recommend no okay 89 00:04:01,959 --> 00:04:07,879 hard pass no no hard pass yeah so so 90 00:04:05,040 --> 00:04:10,720 many differences and I guess that's what 91 00:04:07,879 --> 00:04:13,200 where my heart was just to um talk about 92 00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:16,519 this because I think this is your time 93 00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:21,720 to be moms and this is your culture and 94 00:04:16,519 --> 00:04:25,280 as an a boomer as you said um I want to 95 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:27,360 learn from you and I want to share maybe 96 00:04:25,280 --> 00:04:28,800 what I have but I want to learn from you 97 00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:31,320 and and allow you to have the 98 00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:32,960 opportunities I had as a mother and 99 00:04:31,320 --> 00:04:34,720 something that we talked about Mom just 100 00:04:32,960 --> 00:04:36,800 kind of in preparation for this episode 101 00:04:34,720 --> 00:04:40,400 is that although social media is our 102 00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:43,560 tool it it gives us a lot of different 103 00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:45,680 kind of tools in that toolbox but in on 104 00:04:43,560 --> 00:04:47,320 the other side of things you can always 105 00:04:45,680 --> 00:04:49,120 see something that someone's doing 106 00:04:47,320 --> 00:04:52,280 differently and make you really insecure 107 00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:54,039 as a mom too and so it's like everything 108 00:04:52,280 --> 00:04:55,639 it needs to be in a balance of how 109 00:04:54,039 --> 00:04:58,080 you're learning and and who you're 110 00:04:55,639 --> 00:04:59,840 looking at and comparing and all of that 111 00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:02,160 uh something that I thought of in this 112 00:04:59,840 --> 00:05:04,639 question of a big difference is I often 113 00:05:02,160 --> 00:05:06,880 think about my mom when I'm nursing 114 00:05:04,639 --> 00:05:09,320 which kind of sounds weird but whenever 115 00:05:06,880 --> 00:05:12,240 I'm nursing my son I always have my 116 00:05:09,320 --> 00:05:15,520 phone because holy cow I would be so 117 00:05:12,240 --> 00:05:18,319 bored if I didn't and something that I 118 00:05:15,520 --> 00:05:20,280 realize one of the times is that when I 119 00:05:18,319 --> 00:05:23,080 do put it down and I just focus on him 120 00:05:20,280 --> 00:05:25,639 and I focus on his head and his face and 121 00:05:23,080 --> 00:05:27,240 his features I feel so much more 122 00:05:25,639 --> 00:05:30,440 connected and I always think about my 123 00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:34,319 mom cuz I feel like she was such a good 124 00:05:30,440 --> 00:05:36,240 mom at being connected with us and so 125 00:05:34,319 --> 00:05:38,759 intentional and she was always just 126 00:05:36,240 --> 00:05:41,639 there you know so present she wasn't 127 00:05:38,759 --> 00:05:44,440 distracted and one of the things about 128 00:05:41,639 --> 00:05:46,560 my generation is that we have constant 129 00:05:44,440 --> 00:05:48,440 distractions you know we have handheld 130 00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:50,199 distractions we have distractions 131 00:05:48,440 --> 00:05:52,840 mounted on our walls we have 132 00:05:50,199 --> 00:05:54,120 distractions with people and so there 133 00:05:52,840 --> 00:05:56,039 there are times that I have to be really 134 00:05:54,120 --> 00:06:00,199 intentional to not be a distracted 135 00:05:56,039 --> 00:06:03,520 parent and that would be an aspect of 136 00:06:00,199 --> 00:06:07,039 a baby boomer parent that I am envious 137 00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:12,440 of is that you were so good at not being 138 00:06:07,039 --> 00:06:14,720 distracted um so the first time um I had 139 00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:16,960 had the Twins and uh Jimmy and I were 140 00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:18,479 going away and they were like six months 141 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:20,520 old and I was going to leave them with 142 00:06:18,479 --> 00:06:22,840 my parents for the weekend the Twins and 143 00:06:20,520 --> 00:06:26,759 cam all three of them for the first time 144 00:06:22,840 --> 00:06:28,919 and I came with uh a really long list of 145 00:06:26,759 --> 00:06:30,120 how to take care of the children and 146 00:06:28,919 --> 00:06:31,599 bags of things 147 00:06:30,120 --> 00:06:35,199 that they would need to take care of the 148 00:06:31,599 --> 00:06:37,160 children and my dad was like I had three 149 00:06:35,199 --> 00:06:39,520 kids and I didn't need any of this I got 150 00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:41,360 this you know you can go I was like what 151 00:06:39,520 --> 00:06:43,039 what what how are you how are you going 152 00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:45,840 to how are they going to sleep without 153 00:06:43,039 --> 00:06:47,759 this blanket this exact blanket you know 154 00:06:45,840 --> 00:06:50,360 um and I'm thankful my my parents have 155 00:06:47,759 --> 00:06:52,160 do a a great job of doing it the way 156 00:06:50,360 --> 00:06:55,520 that I've asked them to do it but yeah 157 00:06:52,160 --> 00:06:57,639 just this there is totally a gap of of 158 00:06:55,520 --> 00:06:59,400 hey we did it this way we don't need all 159 00:06:57,639 --> 00:07:01,680 the ways that you did it and they turned 160 00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:04,280 out just fine and that could like in 161 00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:07,879 some cases probably cause some tension 162 00:07:04,280 --> 00:07:09,199 um what do you think that older gener is 163 00:07:07,879 --> 00:07:11,319 it okay if I say older Generations is 164 00:07:09,199 --> 00:07:14,360 that the right word the the boomer 165 00:07:11,319 --> 00:07:18,120 generation wise the wiser generation 166 00:07:14,360 --> 00:07:20,479 Boomer Boomer okay what are some 167 00:07:18,120 --> 00:07:23,280 misconceptions or thoughts that maybe 168 00:07:20,479 --> 00:07:25,680 the boomer generation would have about 169 00:07:23,280 --> 00:07:27,680 more modern parenting styles that maybe 170 00:07:25,680 --> 00:07:29,360 are true or not true but let's kind of 171 00:07:27,680 --> 00:07:31,479 talk through some of them yeah that's a 172 00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:34,560 great great question I think you know 173 00:07:31,479 --> 00:07:37,360 probably what you said we did it you you 174 00:07:34,560 --> 00:07:42,599 guys are healthy why not do it our way 175 00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:45,120 fine right yeah but um I think that it's 176 00:07:42,599 --> 00:07:48,759 that it's so important to recognize that 177 00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:52,840 every generation has their own specific 178 00:07:48,759 --> 00:07:55,639 needs and way of doing things and like 179 00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:58,280 the allergies and the you know the 180 00:07:55,639 --> 00:08:00,159 different creams and everything that you 181 00:07:58,280 --> 00:08:03,599 use I think our life 182 00:08:00,159 --> 00:08:06,520 simpler and and plus if you just clear 183 00:08:03,599 --> 00:08:11,639 away all this stuff this is your time to 184 00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:14,599 be a parent and and I don't want to live 185 00:08:11,639 --> 00:08:17,680 vicariously through your parenting 186 00:08:14,599 --> 00:08:20,479 because I I did my parenting and now my 187 00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:22,479 job as a grandparent or continuing to be 188 00:08:20,479 --> 00:08:26,159 a parent is to support you and make you 189 00:08:22,479 --> 00:08:27,960 feel like you that I have your back and 190 00:08:26,159 --> 00:08:29,919 I think sometimes there can be a little 191 00:08:27,960 --> 00:08:34,039 bit of a competition or like you said 192 00:08:29,919 --> 00:08:36,000 even um her feelings maybe well I didn't 193 00:08:34,039 --> 00:08:39,399 do that you you know or I had structured 194 00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:41,640 bedtime or I did this or I did that and 195 00:08:39,399 --> 00:08:45,279 it almost needs to be a conversation we 196 00:08:41,640 --> 00:08:47,399 say yes and I'm grateful for that but 197 00:08:45,279 --> 00:08:49,360 this is what my husband and I have 198 00:08:47,399 --> 00:08:50,600 chosen to do yeah because the notion of 199 00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:52,399 saying we're doing it different means 200 00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:54,519 your way wasn't good enough exactly 201 00:08:52,399 --> 00:08:56,920 exactly and of course our way was right 202 00:08:54,519 --> 00:09:00,560 obvious course obvious of course but I 203 00:08:56,920 --> 00:09:03,640 think being open to say say you know 204 00:09:00,560 --> 00:09:05,560 what things have changed and there's so 205 00:09:03,640 --> 00:09:07,920 much more knowledge out there and of 206 00:09:05,560 --> 00:09:10,120 course I'm I think I'm unique and that I 207 00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:13,399 really like to learn and I'm always 208 00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:15,480 looking for answers to things and and 209 00:09:13,399 --> 00:09:18,079 Becca's been great about we've had a 210 00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:20,480 couple little things that I've just 211 00:09:18,079 --> 00:09:22,959 asked her questions about and she's been 212 00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:25,240 good about saying yeah this is why we're 213 00:09:22,959 --> 00:09:27,880 doing that and you know my other kids 214 00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:30,040 made other choices and I I just like 215 00:09:27,880 --> 00:09:31,800 learning the differences 216 00:09:30,040 --> 00:09:34,200 and would you say those questions offend 217 00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:37,079 you back no but mostly in the way that 218 00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:40,240 she does them so I would say something 219 00:09:37,079 --> 00:09:42,720 that caught me off guard as a new mom is 220 00:09:40,240 --> 00:09:44,560 how insecure I was I thought because I 221 00:09:42,720 --> 00:09:45,800 was a babysitter I always worked with 222 00:09:44,560 --> 00:09:47,079 kids like I thought I was going to come 223 00:09:45,800 --> 00:09:49,600 into motherhood with like this 224 00:09:47,079 --> 00:09:52,800 confidence of I know what I'm doing I 225 00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:55,560 brought that baby home from the hospital 226 00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:57,360 and was terrified and felt like every 227 00:09:55,560 --> 00:09:58,399 choice I was making wasn't the right 228 00:09:57,360 --> 00:09:59,760 choice cuz there was another one 229 00:09:58,399 --> 00:10:02,600 somewhere on social media that they were 230 00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:05,240 making a different choice and so I had a 231 00:10:02,600 --> 00:10:07,480 lot of insecurity and my mom was really 232 00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:10,680 good at supporting the choices that I 233 00:10:07,480 --> 00:10:13,120 did make um so it gave me more and more 234 00:10:10,680 --> 00:10:14,560 confidence and so by the time we got to 235 00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:17,000 one of the things that she's talking 236 00:10:14,560 --> 00:10:20,959 about is I something that worked for my 237 00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:23,519 kids was baby Le weaning which is a 238 00:10:20,959 --> 00:10:26,839 little bit of a 239 00:10:23,519 --> 00:10:29,560 newer way of doing things and so I 240 00:10:26,839 --> 00:10:32,079 always gave my kids Whole Foods they 241 00:10:29,560 --> 00:10:34,600 maybe had like a handful of purees but 242 00:10:32,079 --> 00:10:36,320 that's about it something about baby Le 243 00:10:34,600 --> 00:10:38,560 weaning is there's quite a bit of 244 00:10:36,320 --> 00:10:41,639 gagging in it involved in a lot of 245 00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:43,399 choking mostly because it teaches them 246 00:10:41,639 --> 00:10:45,600 how to use their gag reflex so it's 247 00:10:43,399 --> 00:10:48,160 supposed to be a part of it but it is 248 00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:51,200 alarming for people that aren't prepared 249 00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:55,760 for it and so that is something that my 250 00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:58,000 mom was so good about is being very 251 00:10:55,760 --> 00:11:01,760 alarmed about the situation but asking 252 00:10:58,000 --> 00:11:04,160 like hey hey so so are we okay I can 253 00:11:01,760 --> 00:11:06,279 picture it right ezekiel's joking and 254 00:11:04,160 --> 00:11:09,600 you're like hey so like he's making 255 00:11:06,279 --> 00:11:11,839 noises we're fine getting in there but 256 00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:14,440 she was so good at at trying to learn 257 00:11:11,839 --> 00:11:16,760 and and looking at the books that I had 258 00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:19,639 and knowing that I think really 259 00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:22,040 understanding like the foundation of our 260 00:11:19,639 --> 00:11:24,000 concern is the same we both care about 261 00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:26,959 these children we just have different 262 00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:30,000 ways of going about it it wasn't out of 263 00:11:26,959 --> 00:11:32,760 negligence it was out of 264 00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:35,320 really wanting them to have the correct 265 00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:36,880 tools um and so I think always having 266 00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:39,399 that Foundation has been really helpful 267 00:11:36,880 --> 00:11:42,360 so it has opened up more questions on 268 00:11:39,399 --> 00:11:45,320 both sides the other thing that is so 269 00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:47,639 helpful is I can handle a situation with 270 00:11:45,320 --> 00:11:49,680 my child and feel really really really 271 00:11:47,639 --> 00:11:50,959 secure about then asking my mom like how 272 00:11:49,680 --> 00:11:52,639 would you have done that differently I 273 00:11:50,959 --> 00:11:53,959 want to learn from you because I admire 274 00:11:52,639 --> 00:11:56,360 you and I admire the way that you 275 00:11:53,959 --> 00:11:59,720 parented and so having kind of a 276 00:11:56,360 --> 00:12:01,720 two-lane road with that of knowing when 277 00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:04,000 I want to ask questions and she's really 278 00:12:01,720 --> 00:12:07,519 good at not just imposing advice when 279 00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:09,360 I'm not asking questions yeah I think 280 00:12:07,519 --> 00:12:11,760 that's really important to be able to 281 00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:14,040 say hey how would you do this and for 282 00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:15,360 you to maybe wait to be asked is that 283 00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:17,120 what you're saying like you would wait 284 00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:19,800 you wouldn't just be like okay I saw you 285 00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:23,600 do this this is how I would do it right 286 00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:25,680 yes different um so one of the things 287 00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:27,800 back that you mentioned at the beginning 288 00:12:25,680 --> 00:12:29,600 was the fact that maybe the way that the 289 00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:31,880 boomer generation parented had left 290 00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:35,079 distractions um what are some other 291 00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:36,279 things and like values and lessons that 292 00:12:35,079 --> 00:12:37,920 we because we don't want to just 293 00:12:36,279 --> 00:12:39,160 discount oh we're doing everything 294 00:12:37,920 --> 00:12:40,800 different there's nothing there what are 295 00:12:39,160 --> 00:12:42,560 some other things that maybe we could 296 00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:44,480 pull or that you even say like hey 297 00:12:42,560 --> 00:12:46,959 here's something that I feel like I did 298 00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:49,160 really well that we could pull into like 299 00:12:46,959 --> 00:12:51,199 modern parenting yeah that's a great 300 00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:53,839 question um I want to give a little plug 301 00:12:51,199 --> 00:12:57,120 for our huddle for grandparents at the 302 00:12:53,839 --> 00:12:59,360 church um that has been a great resource 303 00:12:57,120 --> 00:13:01,320 and it's a great way for grandparents to 304 00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:03,760 get together because even as you guys 305 00:13:01,320 --> 00:13:05,760 are parenting for the first time we're 306 00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:07,760 grandparenting for the first time you 307 00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:11,639 know and so it it has to be like you 308 00:13:07,760 --> 00:13:13,560 said I I love that two-way street where 309 00:13:11,639 --> 00:13:16,320 um everybody's learning and we have to 310 00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:20,000 be patient and open with each other I 311 00:13:16,320 --> 00:13:22,800 think um one of the things that was 312 00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:28,480 really big in our generation us Boomers 313 00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:29,680 was um etiquette oh so um and I I come 314 00:13:28,480 --> 00:13:33,399 with 315 00:13:29,680 --> 00:13:35,000 representatives of other grandmas that 316 00:13:33,399 --> 00:13:38,320 would like to see more manners than the 317 00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:41,279 children so we when I grew up like my 318 00:13:38,320 --> 00:13:45,920 parents didn't send us um to Etiquette 319 00:13:41,279 --> 00:13:50,199 School or or Charm School but a lot of 320 00:13:45,920 --> 00:13:52,480 my friends went and you go you dress up 321 00:13:50,199 --> 00:13:56,160 you learn how to set a table you learn 322 00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:59,320 what all the forks are and above all you 323 00:13:56,160 --> 00:14:01,880 say please and thank you oh yeah and in 324 00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:03,600 you know just looking at it oh yeah 325 00:14:01,880 --> 00:14:08,320 please and thank you but I think what it 326 00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:11,720 teaches is is um respect I think it 327 00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:15,320 teaches that there's more to my life or 328 00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:18,839 or um I owe someone else for the things 329 00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:21,440 that I have and I'm I'm not entitled to 330 00:14:18,839 --> 00:14:24,639 that so it's a simple thing please and 331 00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:28,440 thank you but I think it teaches uh a 332 00:14:24,639 --> 00:14:31,320 depth to the kids and um so that's one 333 00:14:28,440 --> 00:14:35,079 of I I think one of the things that it's 334 00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:38,000 not lost but I don't think it is as 335 00:14:35,079 --> 00:14:40,720 strong it's not as emphasized right as I 336 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:42,680 think it used to be yeah yeah that's a 337 00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:45,199 good one I think I would say but I think 338 00:14:42,680 --> 00:14:46,880 I would say respect in general true 339 00:14:45,199 --> 00:14:50,279 that's like I feel like something that 340 00:14:46,880 --> 00:14:53,839 is maybe not a priority for like more 341 00:14:50,279 --> 00:14:56,199 modern parenting where it was um like 342 00:14:53,839 --> 00:14:58,279 when my parents were parenting and some 343 00:14:56,199 --> 00:15:00,320 of that is lost you know in the way that 344 00:14:58,279 --> 00:15:01,880 kids respond to to adults and Authority 345 00:15:00,320 --> 00:15:04,800 in situations so I think that's another 346 00:15:01,880 --> 00:15:07,120 one yeah and it even even just that goes 347 00:15:04,800 --> 00:15:11,800 into something maybe a little bit deeper 348 00:15:07,120 --> 00:15:14,800 as far as um sometimes boomers are no 349 00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:16,440 are more stereotyped to kind of rule 350 00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:19,000 with an iron fist you know that what 351 00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:20,360 they say goes and that's going to be 352 00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:22,800 their punishment style and their 353 00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:25,720 parenting style and a lot of millennial 354 00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:28,160 parents almost went the exact opposite 355 00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:31,800 and went to very like I validate your 356 00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:34,160 feelings I want to be gentle with you 357 00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:35,480 and when you you need a balance you know 358 00:15:34,160 --> 00:15:37,079 we are always talking about balance on 359 00:15:35,480 --> 00:15:39,319 this podcast but I think that you really 360 00:15:37,079 --> 00:15:42,600 need a balance in this case because when 361 00:15:39,319 --> 00:15:45,480 you go all gentle and all soft and what 362 00:15:42,600 --> 00:15:47,920 what your voice matters and your choice 363 00:15:45,480 --> 00:15:50,240 matters and although that could be true 364 00:15:47,920 --> 00:15:52,040 it can be true within structure of 365 00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:54,880 respect and I think that's where we're 366 00:15:52,040 --> 00:16:00,199 struggling to find um kind of that 367 00:15:54,880 --> 00:16:01,959 middle that middle ground yeah um so I I 368 00:16:00,199 --> 00:16:03,839 feel like part of the reason that 369 00:16:01,959 --> 00:16:05,360 parenting has changed or that life 370 00:16:03,839 --> 00:16:07,360 changes is because we learn more you 371 00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:08,759 were saying that earlier and so mental 372 00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:10,279 health has been something that we have 373 00:16:08,759 --> 00:16:13,120 learned a lot more and we are still 374 00:16:10,279 --> 00:16:15,880 learning about that maybe um in the time 375 00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:17,360 of the the Boomer parenting that wasn't 376 00:16:15,880 --> 00:16:18,560 as much I don't want to say it was a 377 00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:21,319 priority I just I just think people 378 00:16:18,560 --> 00:16:23,880 didn't know like about it and so how 379 00:16:21,319 --> 00:16:25,800 would you say like that mental health 380 00:16:23,880 --> 00:16:27,560 plays a role in parenting today like how 381 00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:30,600 would you say it differs from how you 382 00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:33,480 did it um into how you're doing it back 383 00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:36,800 like let's talk through that big 384 00:16:33,480 --> 00:16:40,360 one that is a big one that is a big one 385 00:16:36,800 --> 00:16:42,920 well first of all I think that you were 386 00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:44,639 probably unique in the sense that mental 387 00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:46,240 health has always been so important to 388 00:16:44,639 --> 00:16:48,279 you because that is like you've also had 389 00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:51,600 a heart for that so if we do more of 390 00:16:48,279 --> 00:16:54,519 just the stere The Stereotype of a 391 00:16:51,600 --> 00:16:56,199 boomer parent or even your parents right 392 00:16:54,519 --> 00:16:59,399 right cuz then that would be a big 393 00:16:56,199 --> 00:17:03,519 difference between the next generation 394 00:16:59,399 --> 00:17:05,319 up and our generation yeah I think um if 395 00:17:03,519 --> 00:17:09,720 yeah if I could speak to that I would 396 00:17:05,319 --> 00:17:11,400 say probably when I grew up it you know 397 00:17:09,720 --> 00:17:14,400 stop crying or you know I'll give you 398 00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:17,000 something to cry about or um you just 399 00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:19,919 kind of dealt with your you didn't know 400 00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:22,520 your emotions were valid or 401 00:17:19,919 --> 00:17:27,000 valuable um you just kind of dealt with 402 00:17:22,520 --> 00:17:29,960 whatever was going on and um I think now 403 00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:32,720 we know how damaging that is and how 404 00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:34,400 important it is to teach children it's 405 00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:37,679 okay to have emotions this is what your 406 00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:40,039 emotions looks like look like and um 407 00:17:37,679 --> 00:17:43,679 this is how you handle anger this is how 408 00:17:40,039 --> 00:17:46,679 you handle handle sadness um and and go 409 00:17:43,679 --> 00:17:49,480 specifically to those things um but I 410 00:17:46,679 --> 00:17:53,480 think In the Heat of the Moment it's 411 00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:55,760 hard to um think about all those things 412 00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:56,960 you know all at once and and the anger 413 00:17:55,760 --> 00:17:59,280 or 414 00:17:56,960 --> 00:18:01,600 the the Panic or what whatever you're 415 00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:06,120 dealing with it's it's kind of easier to 416 00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:08,760 go the easy way and try to plate that 417 00:18:06,120 --> 00:18:13,320 and not deal with mental health 418 00:18:08,760 --> 00:18:15,720 pieace yeah and I think that the caution 419 00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:18,000 towards kind of the millennial parenting 420 00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:20,559 style 421 00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:22,200 is although it doesn't look the same as 422 00:18:20,559 --> 00:18:24,080 the children should be seen and not 423 00:18:22,200 --> 00:18:25,679 heard it's almost like now the exact 424 00:18:24,080 --> 00:18:27,240 opposite of like you should have the 425 00:18:25,679 --> 00:18:28,760 loudest children there because it means 426 00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:30,760 they have a really good attachment and 427 00:18:28,760 --> 00:18:34,080 and I think there's probably some truth 428 00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:37,440 in there maybe but there H but you have 429 00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:40,919 to figure out how to validate emotion 430 00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:43,840 while also providing an appropriate 431 00:18:40,919 --> 00:18:46,840 response you can't just go to all 432 00:18:43,840 --> 00:18:48,240 validation and let the emotions run wild 433 00:18:46,840 --> 00:18:50,600 because no one's actually learning the 434 00:18:48,240 --> 00:18:53,400 coping then and you can't shut down the 435 00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:55,600 emotion and not give any coping and so 436 00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:59,520 it's again kind of trying to find the 437 00:18:55,600 --> 00:19:02,080 the in between of being able to stay in 438 00:18:59,520 --> 00:19:04,960 an uncomfortable moment with your child 439 00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:06,400 not just plate to them and let them get 440 00:19:04,960 --> 00:19:08,720 whatever they want because they're 441 00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:11,600 throwing a big fit but also being able 442 00:19:08,720 --> 00:19:14,280 to validate and then give a tool of how 443 00:19:11,600 --> 00:19:17,440 they can calm down or how they can 444 00:19:14,280 --> 00:19:19,640 best feel this emotion and express it in 445 00:19:17,440 --> 00:19:21,640 a way that doesn't mean they're falling 446 00:19:19,640 --> 00:19:24,120 apart in Target and now you're just 447 00:19:21,640 --> 00:19:26,640 throwing chocolate cake at them so that 448 00:19:24,120 --> 00:19:29,200 they so that they're quiet that feels 449 00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:32,360 like it would work for me so it is 450 00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:34,880 complicated though because another thing 451 00:19:32,360 --> 00:19:38,760 is you don't want to label them or you 452 00:19:34,880 --> 00:19:40,919 don't want to make excuses you know oh 453 00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:42,919 they're they're anxious yes they're an 454 00:19:40,919 --> 00:19:45,400 anxious child yeah they they don't 455 00:19:42,919 --> 00:19:48,320 handle this well so we need to do 456 00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:50,280 something quickly um because then again 457 00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:53,799 what we're trying to do is teach and 458 00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:57,080 strengthen and learn um how to use those 459 00:19:53,799 --> 00:19:59,200 coping skills and I think as parents 460 00:19:57,080 --> 00:20:01,400 there's that delicate line 461 00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:05,000 of letting them do it on their own and 462 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:07,799 and kind of helping along and 463 00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:10,200 grandparents it's even more delicate 464 00:20:07,799 --> 00:20:12,360 well is so that was going to be my next 465 00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:13,880 question um like in speaking to 466 00:20:12,360 --> 00:20:15,360 grandparents or even relationships with 467 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:18,080 grandparents when you have grandparents 468 00:20:15,360 --> 00:20:22,080 who are active caregivers um but who are 469 00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:24,240 not able to um I don't know quite be as 470 00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:25,840 gracious to to styles of parenting that 471 00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:28,360 were different from what they've known 472 00:20:25,840 --> 00:20:30,480 that can cause some tension um how would 473 00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:33,440 you suggest kind of navigating that 474 00:20:30,480 --> 00:20:36,280 situation great great question yeah I 475 00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:38,840 think the first thing I would do is um 476 00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:40,880 not do it in the moment you remember 477 00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:42,880 that with teenagers you know you don't 478 00:20:40,880 --> 00:20:44,520 want to call them out in the moment but 479 00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:47,760 wait till things have caled down and I 480 00:20:44,520 --> 00:20:51,200 think that's true too if if we had done 481 00:20:47,760 --> 00:20:57,840 something and um Beck was upset about it 482 00:20:51,200 --> 00:21:00,559 I would um want her to tell me and Joe 483 00:20:57,840 --> 00:21:03,120 um but I would maybe not in the middle 484 00:21:00,559 --> 00:21:05,320 of a family gathering or maybe when the 485 00:21:03,120 --> 00:21:07,280 kids were around but find a time and say 486 00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:11,960 hey we want to talk to you about 487 00:21:07,280 --> 00:21:16,720 something but on the flip side um 488 00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:19,120 sometimes we as Boomers have um I don't 489 00:21:16,720 --> 00:21:22,120 know maybe input or something 490 00:21:19,120 --> 00:21:26,360 concerns and I think the first thing I 491 00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:29,320 would do if if I had a concern again not 492 00:21:26,360 --> 00:21:32,120 say anything in the midst of of family 493 00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:34,640 gathering I I personally would talk to 494 00:21:32,120 --> 00:21:36,720 Joe because he helps me think through 495 00:21:34,640 --> 00:21:40,720 emotional things and and see whether I 496 00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:44,640 was seeing it as I was or he always just 497 00:21:40,720 --> 00:21:46,400 has a really um good perspective and he 498 00:21:44,640 --> 00:21:50,360 understands me well so I would run it by 499 00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:54,840 him and then um I think I would do the 500 00:21:50,360 --> 00:21:57,200 same and saying hey I I I haven't come 501 00:21:54,840 --> 00:21:59,159 to the best plan for this but I think I 502 00:21:57,200 --> 00:22:03,400 would maybe depending on the issue talk 503 00:21:59,159 --> 00:22:06,840 to our bio first and then bring the 504 00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:08,400 in-law in if if need be um but just say 505 00:22:06,840 --> 00:22:13,000 hey we just wanted to talk to you about 506 00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:17,279 something now um there are 507 00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:20,120 situations that um maybe we would feel 508 00:22:17,279 --> 00:22:23,480 stronger about and uh one way I thought 509 00:22:20,120 --> 00:22:25,320 about um prior to getting together today 510 00:22:23,480 --> 00:22:28,159 was to think about whether it's a 511 00:22:25,320 --> 00:22:29,240 principle or a preference that's that's 512 00:22:28,159 --> 00:22:31,520 actually just what I was going to ask 513 00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:34,000 you I was like how do you pick cuz it 514 00:22:31,520 --> 00:22:35,400 can't be everything you disagree with no 515 00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:39,360 no no 516 00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:41,640 and as a family you guys get to decide 517 00:22:39,360 --> 00:22:45,919 what your values are what you know how 518 00:22:41,640 --> 00:22:48,640 you want to live what but um as as 519 00:22:45,919 --> 00:22:52,080 parents who have lived a little bit 520 00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:55,400 longer there are some guiding principles 521 00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:58,960 and of course the Bible would be my my 522 00:22:55,400 --> 00:23:03,880 number one principal maker but is it is 523 00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:05,520 it is their behavior healthy physically 524 00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:07,120 spiritually 525 00:23:05,520 --> 00:23:10,880 emotionally 526 00:23:07,120 --> 00:23:14,720 socially would be some principles that I 527 00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:16,960 would perhaps be willing to take a risk 528 00:23:14,720 --> 00:23:18,799 and talk about if I felt like something 529 00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:22,760 unhealthy was 530 00:23:18,799 --> 00:23:22,760 happening yeah or being 531 00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:29,520 taught yeah I mean I think that that 532 00:23:25,600 --> 00:23:31,200 that is such a tricky it's a tricky 533 00:23:29,520 --> 00:23:32,360 situation it's a tricky topic because 534 00:23:31,200 --> 00:23:35,720 you're trying to preserve your 535 00:23:32,360 --> 00:23:37,919 relationship with your child and also 536 00:23:35,720 --> 00:23:40,520 preserve their relationship with their 537 00:23:37,919 --> 00:23:43,240 child so there's there's yeah and 538 00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:46,480 there's a waterfall kind of effect there 539 00:23:43,240 --> 00:23:47,960 um but I think being so sensitive and 540 00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:49,840 again going back to that Foundation the 541 00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:51,840 foundation of it all is that we all care 542 00:23:49,840 --> 00:23:54,799 about these children you know and we all 543 00:23:51,840 --> 00:23:58,200 want the best for them and it's so easy 544 00:23:54,799 --> 00:24:00,799 to take things personally I think as the 545 00:23:58,200 --> 00:24:02,880 mother mother or the grandparent mother 546 00:24:00,799 --> 00:24:04,760 or father or the grandparent and I think 547 00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:07,120 we have to take ourselves out of it and 548 00:24:04,760 --> 00:24:09,200 know that it's not necessarily a 549 00:24:07,120 --> 00:24:13,159 personal attack it 550 00:24:09,200 --> 00:24:16,279 is it is a concern or it is advice and 551 00:24:13,159 --> 00:24:19,480 try for both sides to be more flexible 552 00:24:16,279 --> 00:24:22,559 about about receiving it yeah I really 553 00:24:19,480 --> 00:24:24,960 like that verse in um third John it's 554 00:24:22,559 --> 00:24:27,679 verse four I think that says I have no 555 00:24:24,960 --> 00:24:30,600 Greater Joy than my my children um 556 00:24:27,679 --> 00:24:33,520 follow the truth and I think that's the 557 00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:35,480 heart of the issue is is the principal 558 00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:39,159 going to lead them into a way where 559 00:24:35,480 --> 00:24:41,279 where they will know the truth yeah and 560 00:24:39,159 --> 00:24:43,880 if they let their kids choke as they eat 561 00:24:41,279 --> 00:24:46,640 on the way you know that's okay that's 562 00:24:43,880 --> 00:24:48,919 okay I yeah I did struggle you know we 563 00:24:46,640 --> 00:24:51,679 had one of those little Grinders and we 564 00:24:48,919 --> 00:24:55,760 would just grind whatever we were having 565 00:24:51,679 --> 00:24:59,679 and so and to her credit Ezekiel would 566 00:24:55,760 --> 00:25:02,600 not eat until she did this so I I 567 00:24:59,679 --> 00:25:04,399 validate that I think it was the right 568 00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:07,399 thing but holy smokes there were times 569 00:25:04,399 --> 00:25:09,320 where I went is he okay it's okay okay 570 00:25:07,399 --> 00:25:13,600 tell me about this what's the background 571 00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:16,440 of the you know but but see we can talk 572 00:25:13,600 --> 00:25:19,360 about it and she can help me understand 573 00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:21,279 and she understands my worried heart and 574 00:25:19,360 --> 00:25:23,840 I also I do want to take a minute just 575 00:25:21,279 --> 00:25:26,120 right there because because of our 576 00:25:23,840 --> 00:25:28,960 relationship and the foundation of our 577 00:25:26,120 --> 00:25:30,919 relationship we have the ability to have 578 00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:33,039 that I think it is much more difficult 579 00:25:30,919 --> 00:25:36,919 if you don't have that relationship to 580 00:25:33,039 --> 00:25:40,440 impose advice especially on a new parent 581 00:25:36,919 --> 00:25:42,039 um it's very difficult to take that well 582 00:25:40,440 --> 00:25:45,039 because it feels like because it doesn't 583 00:25:42,039 --> 00:25:47,559 feel like you have the caring Foundation 584 00:25:45,039 --> 00:25:50,159 of you know who I am you know my 585 00:25:47,559 --> 00:25:51,840 heart and so you I know this is just 586 00:25:50,159 --> 00:25:52,960 coming from a Caring Place I think when 587 00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:56,360 it 588 00:25:52,960 --> 00:25:57,919 is something coming from someone that 589 00:25:56,360 --> 00:26:01,080 maybe doesn't have that same Foundation 590 00:25:57,919 --> 00:26:04,240 it can be very very difficult to take 591 00:26:01,080 --> 00:26:05,720 yeah guys this has been it's been so fun 592 00:26:04,240 --> 00:26:07,960 hanging out with you guys and getting a 593 00:26:05,720 --> 00:26:10,600 little Glimpse and to your relationship 594 00:26:07,960 --> 00:26:12,919 and how it works and um I think it's 595 00:26:10,600 --> 00:26:15,919 really cool to see the way that you have 596 00:26:12,919 --> 00:26:17,880 loved Becca and the kids um I feel like 597 00:26:15,919 --> 00:26:19,919 that has given you freedom to kind of 598 00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:21,240 find your own as a mother um but then 599 00:26:19,919 --> 00:26:23,440 also feel fully loved and fully 600 00:26:21,240 --> 00:26:24,720 supported so and I think just made me 601 00:26:23,440 --> 00:26:28,679 such a better mother I think that 602 00:26:24,720 --> 00:26:29,480 grandparents role is so important and it 603 00:26:28,679 --> 00:26:32,279 just 604 00:26:29,480 --> 00:26:35,399 enriches children's lives and I think if 605 00:26:32,279 --> 00:26:37,840 you can have that in your life it can be 606 00:26:35,399 --> 00:26:40,320 an amazing thing but it takes movement 607 00:26:37,840 --> 00:26:43,480 from the grandparent and the 608 00:26:40,320 --> 00:26:45,320 parent to bridge that Gap M well said 609 00:26:43,480 --> 00:26:46,919 Karen thanks for thanks for coming on 610 00:26:45,320 --> 00:26:49,080 and chatting with us and kind of 611 00:26:46,919 --> 00:26:50,799 breaking down some of these uh 612 00:26:49,080 --> 00:26:52,880 generational 613 00:26:50,799 --> 00:26:54,919 differences that we have yeah that's 614 00:26:52,880 --> 00:26:57,520 what we use so this has been parenting 615 00:26:54,919 --> 00:27:00,579 for the everyday tune in next time 616 00:26:57,520 --> 00:27:00,579 [Music]