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this is parenting for the everyday a
podcast dedicated to meeting parents in
the trenches of Parenthood we explore
how our faith fits into our parenting
with the help of our guests we are
seeking practical tips on how the gospel
can speak into our day-to-day parenting
from the easy stuff to the hard stuff we
want to talk about it all this is
parenting for the everyday day I'm Becca
alfarez and I'm holiday krew and I am so
excited about this episode today we are
actually talking about generational
parenting gaps um and we have in the
studio my lovely and wonderful mother
mom will you introduce
yourself sure I am Karen coffee I'm
actually married to Joe coffee we have
three adult children and six
grandchildren and this episode really
came out of a very funny Instagram video
that I sent my mom that just talked
about all the different things that are
different about Millennial parents and
baby boomer parents and although the
video itself was super super funny there
were so many relatable things in it that
made us think about it and be like oh my
gosh we should actually have this on a
podcast because although there can be
some really funny differences there can
also be some differences that uh can
create chasms between relationship and
even hurt feelings and so feeling like
um I am a relatively new mother I have a
three-year-old and a one-year-old and
something that I've always appreciated
about my mom as I went through a lot of
new things and trying out new strategies
is that she was so supportive and worked
hard to understand my perspective
instead of just telling me how things
should go and imparting imposing her
mothering on me she let me do it on my
own and try to understand
the reasons I was doing things which I
really appreciated so let's dive on in
know I need all these notes so that when
I become a grandma I can I can do it
right so Karen I'm taking notes I'm
taking notes on come naturally Holly
okay Mom what do you think are the
biggest differences in parenting
approaches between our generation and
your
generation yeah that's a great question
and I'm just I'm so honored to be here I
um as I said I think in another podcast
I love being a mom and I love being a
grandmother and I love the way those two
work together and part of my heart I
think is to make sure that those two
worlds continue to work together so some
of the things that um I have recognized
that are so different of course
everybody knows social media is
different when I had the my three kids
um we we literally brought Jeremy home
in like a Moses basket and put the seat
belt over it so equipment he is real
sturdy and so equipment is number one is
so different the sound machines the the
blankets the
bags I always call her weighted sack a
bag um what are some of the oh cameras
holy smokes cameras everywhere we had
none of things and and weren't even
required to have a car seat so for me um
it's completely different also social
media for you guys is kind of your um
your teacher if you will for me it was
my group of friends so if my group of
friends Ed cloth diapers then I use
cloth diapers which I did if you know
really she sure did holy smokes so glad
they they don't do that anymore I was
going to say did you recommend no okay
hard pass no no hard pass yeah so so
many differences and I guess that's what
where my heart was just to um talk about
this because I think this is your time
to be moms and this is your culture and
as an a boomer as you said um I want to
learn from you and I want to share maybe
what I have but I want to learn from you
and and allow you to have the
opportunities I had as a mother and
something that we talked about Mom just
kind of in preparation for this episode
is that although social media is our
tool it it gives us a lot of different
kind of tools in that toolbox but in on
the other side of things you can always
see something that someone's doing
differently and make you really insecure
as a mom too and so it's like everything
it needs to be in a balance of how
you're learning and and who you're
looking at and comparing and all of that
uh something that I thought of in this
question of a big difference is I often
think about my mom when I'm nursing
which kind of sounds weird but whenever
I'm nursing my son I always have my
phone because holy cow I would be so
bored if I didn't and something that I
realize one of the times is that when I
do put it down and I just focus on him
and I focus on his head and his face and
his features I feel so much more
connected and I always think about my
mom cuz I feel like she was such a good
mom at being connected with us and so
intentional and she was always just
there you know so present she wasn't
distracted and one of the things about
my generation is that we have constant
distractions you know we have handheld
distractions we have distractions
mounted on our walls we have
distractions with people and so there
there are times that I have to be really
intentional to not be a distracted
parent and that would be an aspect of
a baby boomer parent that I am envious
of is that you were so good at not being
distracted um so the first time um I had
had the Twins and uh Jimmy and I were
going away and they were like six months
old and I was going to leave them with
my parents for the weekend the Twins and
cam all three of them for the first time
and I came with uh a really long list of
how to take care of the children and
bags of things
that they would need to take care of the
children and my dad was like I had three
kids and I didn't need any of this I got
this you know you can go I was like what
what what how are you how are you going
to how are they going to sleep without
this blanket this exact blanket you know
um and I'm thankful my my parents have
do a a great job of doing it the way
that I've asked them to do it but yeah
just this there is totally a gap of of
hey we did it this way we don't need all
the ways that you did it and they turned
out just fine and that could like in
some cases probably cause some tension
um what do you think that older gener is
it okay if I say older Generations is
that the right word the the boomer
generation wise the wiser generation
Boomer Boomer okay what are some
misconceptions or thoughts that maybe
the boomer generation would have about
more modern parenting styles that maybe
are true or not true but let's kind of
talk through some of them yeah that's a
great great question I think you know
probably what you said we did it you you
guys are healthy why not do it our way
fine right yeah but um I think that it's
that it's so important to recognize that
every generation has their own specific
needs and way of doing things and like
the allergies and the you know the
different creams and everything that you
use I think our life
simpler and and plus if you just clear
away all this stuff this is your time to
be a parent and and I don't want to live
vicariously through your parenting
because I I did my parenting and now my
job as a grandparent or continuing to be
a parent is to support you and make you
feel like you that I have your back and
I think sometimes there can be a little
bit of a competition or like you said
even um her feelings maybe well I didn't
do that you you know or I had structured
bedtime or I did this or I did that and
it almost needs to be a conversation we
say yes and I'm grateful for that but
this is what my husband and I have
chosen to do yeah because the notion of
saying we're doing it different means
your way wasn't good enough exactly
exactly and of course our way was right
obvious course obvious of course but I
think being open to say say you know
what things have changed and there's so
much more knowledge out there and of
course I'm I think I'm unique and that I
really like to learn and I'm always
looking for answers to things and and
Becca's been great about we've had a
couple little things that I've just
asked her questions about and she's been
good about saying yeah this is why we're
doing that and you know my other kids
made other choices and I I just like
learning the differences
and would you say those questions offend
you back no but mostly in the way that
she does them so I would say something
that caught me off guard as a new mom is
how insecure I was I thought because I
was a babysitter I always worked with
kids like I thought I was going to come
into motherhood with like this
confidence of I know what I'm doing I
brought that baby home from the hospital
and was terrified and felt like every
choice I was making wasn't the right
choice cuz there was another one
somewhere on social media that they were
making a different choice and so I had a
lot of insecurity and my mom was really
good at supporting the choices that I
did make um so it gave me more and more
confidence and so by the time we got to
one of the things that she's talking
about is I something that worked for my
kids was baby Le weaning which is a
little bit of a
newer way of doing things and so I
always gave my kids Whole Foods they
maybe had like a handful of purees but
that's about it something about baby Le
weaning is there's quite a bit of
gagging in it involved in a lot of
choking mostly because it teaches them
how to use their gag reflex so it's
supposed to be a part of it but it is
alarming for people that aren't prepared
for it and so that is something that my
mom was so good about is being very
alarmed about the situation but asking
like hey hey so so are we okay I can
picture it right ezekiel's joking and
you're like hey so like he's making
noises we're fine getting in there but
she was so good at at trying to learn
and and looking at the books that I had
and knowing that I think really
understanding like the foundation of our
concern is the same we both care about
these children we just have different
ways of going about it it wasn't out of
negligence it was out of
really wanting them to have the correct
tools um and so I think always having
that Foundation has been really helpful
so it has opened up more questions on
both sides the other thing that is so
helpful is I can handle a situation with
my child and feel really really really
secure about then asking my mom like how
would you have done that differently I
want to learn from you because I admire
you and I admire the way that you
parented and so having kind of a
two-lane road with that of knowing when
I want to ask questions and she's really
good at not just imposing advice when
I'm not asking questions yeah I think
that's really important to be able to
say hey how would you do this and for
you to maybe wait to be asked is that
what you're saying like you would wait
you wouldn't just be like okay I saw you
do this this is how I would do it right
yes different um so one of the things
back that you mentioned at the beginning
was the fact that maybe the way that the
boomer generation parented had left
distractions um what are some other
things and like values and lessons that
we because we don't want to just
discount oh we're doing everything
different there's nothing there what are
some other things that maybe we could
pull or that you even say like hey
here's something that I feel like I did
really well that we could pull into like
modern parenting yeah that's a great
question um I want to give a little plug
for our huddle for grandparents at the
church um that has been a great resource
and it's a great way for grandparents to
get together because even as you guys
are parenting for the first time we're
grandparenting for the first time you
know and so it it has to be like you
said I I love that two-way street where
um everybody's learning and we have to
be patient and open with each other I
think um one of the things that was
really big in our generation us Boomers
was um etiquette oh so um and I I come
with
representatives of other grandmas that
would like to see more manners than the
children so we when I grew up like my
parents didn't send us um to Etiquette
School or or Charm School but a lot of
my friends went and you go you dress up
you learn how to set a table you learn
what all the forks are and above all you
say please and thank you oh yeah and in
you know just looking at it oh yeah
please and thank you but I think what it
teaches is is um respect I think it
teaches that there's more to my life or
or um I owe someone else for the things
that I have and I'm I'm not entitled to
that so it's a simple thing please and
thank you but I think it teaches uh a
depth to the kids and um so that's one
of I I think one of the things that it's
not lost but I don't think it is as
strong it's not as emphasized right as I
think it used to be yeah yeah that's a
good one I think I would say but I think
I would say respect in general true
that's like I feel like something that
is maybe not a priority for like more
modern parenting where it was um like
when my parents were parenting and some
of that is lost you know in the way that
kids respond to to adults and Authority
in situations so I think that's another
one yeah and it even even just that goes
into something maybe a little bit deeper
as far as um sometimes boomers are no
are more stereotyped to kind of rule
with an iron fist you know that what
they say goes and that's going to be
their punishment style and their
parenting style and a lot of millennial
parents almost went the exact opposite
and went to very like I validate your
feelings I want to be gentle with you
and when you you need a balance you know
we are always talking about balance on
this podcast but I think that you really
need a balance in this case because when
you go all gentle and all soft and what
what your voice matters and your choice
matters and although that could be true
it can be true within structure of
respect and I think that's where we're
struggling to find um kind of that
middle that middle ground yeah um so I I
feel like part of the reason that
parenting has changed or that life
changes is because we learn more you
were saying that earlier and so mental
health has been something that we have
learned a lot more and we are still
learning about that maybe um in the time
of the the Boomer parenting that wasn't
as much I don't want to say it was a
priority I just I just think people
didn't know like about it and so how
would you say like that mental health
plays a role in parenting today like how
would you say it differs from how you
did it um into how you're doing it back
like let's talk through that big
one that is a big one that is a big one
well first of all I think that you were
probably unique in the sense that mental
health has always been so important to
you because that is like you've also had
a heart for that so if we do more of
just the stere The Stereotype of a
boomer parent or even your parents right
right cuz then that would be a big
difference between the next generation
up and our generation yeah I think um if
yeah if I could speak to that I would
say probably when I grew up it you know
stop crying or you know I'll give you
something to cry about or um you just
kind of dealt with your you didn't know
your emotions were valid or
valuable um you just kind of dealt with
whatever was going on and um I think now
we know how damaging that is and how
important it is to teach children it's
okay to have emotions this is what your
emotions looks like look like and um
this is how you handle anger this is how
you handle handle sadness um and and go
specifically to those things um but I
think In the Heat of the Moment it's
hard to um think about all those things
you know all at once and and the anger
or
the the Panic or what whatever you're
dealing with it's it's kind of easier to
go the easy way and try to plate that
and not deal with mental health
pieace yeah and I think that the caution
towards kind of the millennial parenting
style
is although it doesn't look the same as
the children should be seen and not
heard it's almost like now the exact
opposite of like you should have the
loudest children there because it means
they have a really good attachment and
and I think there's probably some truth
in there maybe but there H but you have
to figure out how to validate emotion
while also providing an appropriate
response you can't just go to all
validation and let the emotions run wild
because no one's actually learning the
coping then and you can't shut down the
emotion and not give any coping and so
it's again kind of trying to find the
the in between of being able to stay in
an uncomfortable moment with your child
not just plate to them and let them get
whatever they want because they're
throwing a big fit but also being able
to validate and then give a tool of how
they can calm down or how they can
best feel this emotion and express it in
a way that doesn't mean they're falling
apart in Target and now you're just
throwing chocolate cake at them so that
they so that they're quiet that feels
like it would work for me so it is
complicated though because another thing
is you don't want to label them or you
don't want to make excuses you know oh
they're they're anxious yes they're an
anxious child yeah they they don't
handle this well so we need to do
something quickly um because then again
what we're trying to do is teach and
strengthen and learn um how to use those
coping skills and I think as parents
there's that delicate line
of letting them do it on their own and
and kind of helping along and
grandparents it's even more delicate
well is so that was going to be my next
question um like in speaking to
grandparents or even relationships with
grandparents when you have grandparents
who are active caregivers um but who are
not able to um I don't know quite be as
gracious to to styles of parenting that
were different from what they've known
that can cause some tension um how would
you suggest kind of navigating that
situation great great question yeah I
think the first thing I would do is um
not do it in the moment you remember
that with teenagers you know you don't
want to call them out in the moment but
wait till things have caled down and I
think that's true too if if we had done
something and um Beck was upset about it
I would um want her to tell me and Joe
um but I would maybe not in the middle
of a family gathering or maybe when the
kids were around but find a time and say
hey we want to talk to you about
something but on the flip side um
sometimes we as Boomers have um I don't
know maybe input or something
concerns and I think the first thing I
would do if if I had a concern again not
say anything in the midst of of family
gathering I I personally would talk to
Joe because he helps me think through
emotional things and and see whether I
was seeing it as I was or he always just
has a really um good perspective and he
understands me well so I would run it by
him and then um I think I would do the
same and saying hey I I I haven't come
to the best plan for this but I think I
would maybe depending on the issue talk
to our bio first and then bring the
in-law in if if need be um but just say
hey we just wanted to talk to you about
something now um there are
situations that um maybe we would feel
stronger about and uh one way I thought
about um prior to getting together today
was to think about whether it's a
principle or a preference that's that's
actually just what I was going to ask
you I was like how do you pick cuz it
can't be everything you disagree with no
no no
and as a family you guys get to decide
what your values are what you know how
you want to live what but um as as
parents who have lived a little bit
longer there are some guiding principles
and of course the Bible would be my my
number one principal maker but is it is
it is their behavior healthy physically
spiritually
emotionally
socially would be some principles that I
would perhaps be willing to take a risk
and talk about if I felt like something
unhealthy was
happening yeah or being
taught yeah I mean I think that that
that is such a tricky it's a tricky
situation it's a tricky topic because
you're trying to preserve your
relationship with your child and also
preserve their relationship with their
child so there's there's yeah and
there's a waterfall kind of effect there
um but I think being so sensitive and
again going back to that Foundation the
foundation of it all is that we all care
about these children you know and we all
want the best for them and it's so easy
to take things personally I think as the
mother mother or the grandparent mother
or father or the grandparent and I think
we have to take ourselves out of it and
know that it's not necessarily a
personal attack it
is it is a concern or it is advice and
try for both sides to be more flexible
about about receiving it yeah I really
like that verse in um third John it's
verse four I think that says I have no
Greater Joy than my my children um
follow the truth and I think that's the
heart of the issue is is the principal
going to lead them into a way where
where they will know the truth yeah and
if they let their kids choke as they eat
on the way you know that's okay that's
okay I yeah I did struggle you know we
had one of those little Grinders and we
would just grind whatever we were having
and so and to her credit Ezekiel would
not eat until she did this so I I
validate that I think it was the right
thing but holy smokes there were times
where I went is he okay it's okay okay
tell me about this what's the background
of the you know but but see we can talk
about it and she can help me understand
and she understands my worried heart and
I also I do want to take a minute just
right there because because of our
relationship and the foundation of our
relationship we have the ability to have
that I think it is much more difficult
if you don't have that relationship to
impose advice especially on a new parent
um it's very difficult to take that well
because it feels like because it doesn't
feel like you have the caring Foundation
of you know who I am you know my
heart and so you I know this is just
coming from a Caring Place I think when
it
is something coming from someone that
maybe doesn't have that same Foundation
it can be very very difficult to take
yeah guys this has been it's been so fun
hanging out with you guys and getting a
little Glimpse and to your relationship
and how it works and um I think it's
really cool to see the way that you have
loved Becca and the kids um I feel like
that has given you freedom to kind of
find your own as a mother um but then
also feel fully loved and fully
supported so and I think just made me
such a better mother I think that
grandparents role is so important and it
just
enriches children's lives and I think if
you can have that in your life it can be
an amazing thing but it takes movement
from the grandparent and the
parent to bridge that Gap M well said
Karen thanks for thanks for coming on
and chatting with us and kind of
breaking down some of these uh
generational
differences that we have yeah that's
what we use so this has been parenting
for the everyday tune in next time
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