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- Well, good morning.
If you have your Bible and I hope you do,
I wanna invite you to join me in Genesis chapter 31.
As you turn there, if you were not here with us last week,
this week's message is part two.
I'm gonna do my best to kind of recap
or reminding myself of the amount of time
that we have this morning.
And so I do wanna encourage you,
if you were here with us today
and you have not listened to last week's message,
it's not that you won't get anything out of today.
I pray that you will.
I know that you will.
I trust that the spirit of God is going to work and move,
but I would encourage you in the fullness
of what we're looking at this morning
to go back and to listen to last week's message
as we try to pull all of this together.
Last week, we started looking in chapter 30 and verse 25,
worked all the way through chapter 31.
And we're not gonna read all of those verses together today,
but I will recap and draw out some of the key verses
that I want us to focus in on.
As we look at and begin to understand, right,
what it means to be a toxic person,
to have in our life toxic people,
what does it look like to be a godly person
and what do you and I do?
Number one, if we realize
that we have toxic people in our life,
how do we respond to that?
And number two, what do you and I do
if we realize that we are a toxic person, all right?
So let me read this verse to you
as we get settled in this morning.
Genesis 31, verse three.
Then the Lord said to Jacob,
"Return to the land of your fathers and to your kindred,
"and I will be with you."
Let's pray.
God, I thank you for this time
that we could be here together.
Lord, I thank you for the perfection of your word.
Lord, I thank you for the move of your spirit.
God, I pray that your spirit would open our hearts,
our minds, our ears to hear, to receive,
and to do and to be who you've called us to be
through the power of your Holy Spirit.
And this in Jesus' name we pray, amen.
Quick little recap.
You have a 101 level, entry level
of what a dysfunctional family,
dysfunctional relationships look like.
Found in Genesis chapter 30, Genesis chapter 31.
You've got a guy named Jacob
from going all the way back to several messages ago
who seeks to marry someone,
and the dad, instead of allowing this marriage
to just happen and take place,
he controls, he manipulates,
and at the end of this,
Jacob ends up married to both daughters,
who then begins to manipulate,
and we see this pattern of generational sin,
what they've learned, they're now implementing
into their lives, and two daughters married to one man
bring maidservants in, and this family is created
and is surrounded by dysfunction of what's there.
And Jacob, though, in a desire,
Jacob in a heart to provide for his family
and follow after the Lord,
he comes to his father-in-law, a man named Laban.
These are the two really important names for us today,
Jacob and Laban.
He comes to Laban, he says, "I've been faithful to you.
"I've been committed to you.
"I've done what you've asked me to do,
"and I've done this for, I believe, like 20 years,
"and through this, have received no compensation.
"Let me leave to take my family.
"Let me take from this, and this empire
"that I've built for you, this money-making industry
"that you are now a part of,
"that has obviously been blessed.
"Let me take the lower of the flock,
"the flock that doesn't make money.
"Let me take that so I can go back to my country,
"back to my family, back to my people,
"so that I can provide a future for my family."
And the father-in-law, you would think,
desiring the best for his daughters,
for his grandkids, would say, "Sure, I'm gonna bless this,"
but that's not what happens.
And what we see is this game that Laban begins to play
as he begins to control, as he begins to manipulate.
Laban, not a follower of God,
seeks to fulfill his own evil desires
of what he thinks and believes to be right.
And as Jacob makes the tough decision
to leave his family out,
Laban rallies his sons around them
and seeks after them to destroy them
from breaking apart from him, the leader,
the father, the grandfather.
How dare you do that?
A man who has spent his lifetime making others the victim
comes and says, "But you have victimized me."
God shows up, and even though Laban is not a follower of God,
Laban has seen the evidence of God in the life of Jacob
and in the evidence as God has blessed him.
And so God appears to Laban and says,
"Listen, you're not to lay a hand on this guy.
"In fact, you're not even to speak harshly."
And so what we see at the end of chapter 31
as we've worked through this is Laban and Jacob,
Laban overtakes Jacob, is what the Bible tells us.
He overtakes Jacob, and they have this big session,
the airing of grievances,
the frustrations of everything that is there,
and they end up choosing to set a boundary,
to set a border, and to go their separate ways.
As God's intervened, as God has promised Jacob
that God will do what God has said he will do.
I think it's important as we go through this,
and it's very evident as we talk about
what it means to be toxic, that in this story,
Laban is the example of a toxic person.
If you wanna look at and see
who would I not need to be like in this story,
that answer is Laban.
On the flip side of that, Jacob is the example of godly,
but I want us to kinda understand this as we go into this,
and if you've been journeying through Genesis,
you know if you're journeying through the scriptures
in other instances, like you know this,
Jacob is an example of godly, but Jacob isn't always godly.
Jacob doesn't always do the right thing,
but here's the key, and this is what we have to remember,
that while Jacob isn't always godly, Jacob follows God,
and God is always holy, and God is always right,
and God is always good, and God is always love,
and it's the careful caution as we get into this,
as we dive into passages of scripture like this,
to elevate Jacob as the hero of the story,
and we are gonna look at Jacob this morning
as an example in the story,
but the hero of the narrative of the story,
of what we wanna seek is God, of who he is.
So what do we mean when we talk about toxic people?
That's a word that is used often,
it's a word that many people describe and use differently,
and here's the definition I feel like,
when we take the whole context of scripture,
and we break it down, here's what we see.
We see that toxic people seek to either directly,
or aggressively, or on the flip side of that,
indirectly and passively,
control the dynamic of a relationship,
so that their agenda can be met.
That is the dynamic of Laban.
Laban wants to control his daughters,
he wants to control his sons,
he wants to control his son-in-law,
he wants to control everyone around them,
and his desire, right, his desire is not so that
they will seek the face of God,
but his desire is so that he will gain glory,
so that Laban will gain benefit,
so that Laban will be blessed,
and he doesn't care who he needs to run over
in order for this to happen.
And that's why he's the example.
So what we started looking at last week,
and we got through a couple,
is understanding this about toxic people,
understanding this about godly people,
but more importantly, while Jacob is our example
within this, understanding why godly people
do what godly people do.
That's important.
Understanding why godly people do what godly people do.
And godly people do what godly people do
because of who God is.
Because of who God is, not because of who they are.
So if you want the details on these couple points,
you gotta go back to last week,
but what we looked at is we said,
no, toxic people devalue your worth.
Jacob, I'm sorry, Laban did that with Jacob.
Where godly people celebrate your worth.
We all have worth, and godly people celebrate that.
And here's why godly people celebrate the worth of people,
because God gives you worth.
Created in the image and the likeness of God.
The second thing that we saw last week
is that toxic people manipulate the situation.
Toxic people look at every situation,
even when the deck is stacked against them,
and they begin to manipulate,
and their thought process is how can I win?
Man, they wanna win.
They don't care who they have to defeat.
It's not what's God's win, how is God gonna work,
how is God gonna move, but it's how can I win?
What can I do for me?
Where godly people, in the midst of whatever
the situation is, they trust in God.
They trust in God, even when they're called to work,
even when they're called to pursue,
even when they're called to do what God has called them
to do, they are resting in the truth
that they can trust God in the situation,
because of what they know, that God always works
in the situation.
That God always works in the situation.
And there's beauty and there's hope in that,
that you and I, we can stand in confidence this morning,
and you and I can go bed rest assured tonight
that there is nothing that God is not in control,
and the trust and the hope that we can have for that.
So let's continue, we're gonna work through
some more of these.
In Genesis chapter 30, verse 27, very early on
in the telling of this narrative,
Laban says in chapter 30, verse 27,
but Laban said to him, being Jacob,
"If I have found favor in your sight,
"I have learned by divine nation that the Lord
"has blessed me because of you."
Now that seems like a great thing,
that the Lord has blessed me because of you.
And you're like, but I thought you said
that he wasn't a follower of God.
Well, he's not a follower of God,
but he is very aware of his circumstances
and his surroundings.
And what he's communicating in this
is that through the spirit world.
Laban would describe himself as spiritual,
I'm not a follower of God, but I'm spiritual,
and let's don't confuse the two.
He's not a follower of God, but he claims to be spiritual,
and what he has seen is that the fruit
and the evidence of God is on Jacob,
and that because the fruit and the evidence
of God is on Jacob, that does not mean for Laban
that he needs to be the follower of the God
that Jacob follows, but that Laban can benefit
because of who Jacob is and because of who God is.
So here's the trait of toxic people.
Toxic people think of themselves first.
In every single instance, toxic people
will think of themselves first.
It is football season, I do love football season.
I think at least five times in my ministry as a pastor,
I've used this quote to emphasize of what it looks like
right when toxic people think of themselves first.
There's a wide receiver that played in the NFL,
one of the freaks of nature of what he could step out
on the football field and do,
and that wide receiver's name was Terrell Owens.
I hear some mumbles in there.
If you're a fan of the NFL, you're either a fan
of Terrell Owens or you're not a fan of Terrell Owens, right?
There's very little in between within this,
and I'm not saying that Terrell Owens is a toxic person.
I do think in a lot of areas he is an honest person,
and he was doing an interview, and he was,
the Dallas Cowboys at the time had won the football game.
If you're a Dallas Cowboys fan, that was a good day for you.
If you're a fan of any other team,
you did not like that, right?
Dallas Cowboys had won the game,
and Terrell Owens was complaining
that he did not have enough balls thrown his way,
and the reporter asked, "Why are you upset you won?"
And here was his honest answer.
"I love me some me," right?
I love me some me.
He was saying above the team, above the goals,
above the agenda, that when I line up
on that football field, I'm thinking of me.
I love me some me.
Laban here in this instance with toxic people
does not care about his son-in-law,
does not care about his granddaughters,
does not care about his grandkids.
Even his sons who were on his side does not care about them.
How do I know that?
Because he rallies them and says,
"Let's go kill your sister."
Sisters.
He thinks of himself first,
but godly people, godly people,
and please pay attention to this wording.
Godly people think of themselves less.
It's not that godly people think less of themselves.
It's that godly people think of themselves less.
You see, the point of Christianity
is not how can I beat myself up.
The point of Christianity is not
how am I a terrible person.
The point of Christianity is who I am in Christ
and that the call of my life is to love God
and to love others.
And that does not mean that I've gotta put down myself
in order for that to happen,
but what it does mean is that I've gotta seek
to serve those in my life.
But I don't think less of myself,
but I do think of myself less.
And why do godly people do that?
Why is that a standard?
Why is that a characteristic?
Why is that a piece that we need to happen?
Because God, who God is,
that he exalts himself by sacrifice.
He exalts himself by sacrifice.
Jesus came and he served.
Jesus came and he died.
Jesus came and he was mocked.
Jesus came to be a sacrifice.
And so when we model our savior who loves us,
and the Bible tells us,
loves us so much and was obedient to the father
to such a degree that he gave his own life
so that you and I would have hope for eternity.
And that's who we're called to be like.
Think toxic people think of themselves first.
Don't be toxic.
The next one that we see here
is that toxic people twist the truth in order to lie.
Toxic people twist the truth to lie.
Genesis 30, 34 through 35.
Laban said, good, let it be as you have said.
But that day Laban removed the male goats
that were striped and spotted
and all the female goats that were speckled and spotted.
Every one that had white on it
and every lamb that was black
and put them in the charge of his sons.
All right, so just really quick, this is Toxic 101.
So the agreement was that Jacob
would take these lesser valued animals
and that he had built this flock for Laban
that he would take the ones that are worthless, right?
That he would work through the fields that night
and all of those that were worthless,
all of those that were not gonna be of value to Laban
that were there, that he would then take those, right?
So Laban agrees to that.
Laban's like, yes, that's what you can do.
So then what does he do?
He goes in before Jacob does
and he removes those and sends them to his son's flock.
So did he come out and say,
I'm gonna take all of them and hide them?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
The flock is still there.
What we said could happen is what's going to happen.
But what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna manipulate
and I'm gonna control and I'm gonna twist of what's there
so that at the end of it
when you see that they're not there,
you can't look at me, I don't know where they are.
I don't know where they've gone.
To twist the truth, to tell the lie.
Laban had woven a web not of a complete lie
but of complete deception.
And that's what the toxic people do
is they twist the truth.
It's what we see with the serpent in the garden with Eve.
What does he say?
Did God actually say,
you shall not eat of any tree in the garden?
Begins to twist the very own words of God.
Toxic people twist the truth
but godly people pursue truth.
Godly people pursue truth.
We want and we work for truth.
The truth of God in our lives,
the truth of God in the lives of others
and we desire above all things
for the truth to be made known.
Even, even, so we are people of truth.
Let our yes be yes, let our no be no.
Be people of truth.
Now always when we talk about the truth of God,
of who Christ is, of what God's done
in the gospel of Jesus Christ,
we always stand in the celebratory winning circle of that.
But sometimes in your life and in my life,
we've gotta make the choice.
Am I gonna be a godly person or a toxic person?
And because we make decisions in life
because of the things that we've done,
you and I have to decide if we are gonna be
the godly people who pursue the truth
that even in those moments
where our perception begins to tell us
that the truth in that moment doesn't benefit us.
To tell the truth may cause a consequence.
To tell the truth may have a negative impact on your life.
But if we go back and we trust that God's working
in all of those things, then we will be people of truth
and we will stand in the reality of the consequences
that we have to face, knowing and believing
that God can work and move even in all of that.
And that's what it means to pursue truth.
Because if I can't trust your word
about your taxes and your hours,
if I can't trust your word about what you did say
or you didn't say, then why should I trust
your word of the gospel?
And so we must be people who pursue truth.
Why?
Because God is truth.
We as representations of him that he is truth
and this is where we stand.
The next one that we'll see.
Toxic people, they leave no room for disagreement.
They leave no room for disagreement.
It's hard to go back and draw out a verse
that directly points to this, but this is the theme
of what we see in the life of Laban.
Always working on the next argument, the next point.
He can disagree with you, but you cannot disagree with him.
You cannot disagree with a toxic person
because here's the deal about a toxic person
and this, I'm gonna go ahead and tell you,
my toes hurt on this one.
My toes are stomped on by the Holy Spirit
'cause here's the struggle, here's where we get to.
You're like, I'm not toxic, I'm not toxic, I'm not toxic,
but here's the deal, a toxic person always has to be right.
And a toxic person hates when they are wrong.
Whoo, to question a toxic person in their mind
is to question what is truth.
I thank God that in His power of the Holy Spirit
that He convicts us and gives us the opportunity.
But what do godly people do?
If toxic people, if toxic people,
if they leave no room for disagreement,
then what do godly people do?
Godly people work through disagreement,
work through disagreement.
I think here's a misconception.
If you're not a Christian,
I think a misconception of Christianity is this,
that in Christianity there's no room for disagreement.
Right?
Well, here's what I'll say to that.
If you're ever disagreeing with God, you lose.
He's right.
When we disagree with Him, we're wrong, He's right.
But, but, if you've ever been around godly people,
you will know that from time to time we will disagree.
We see that in Scripture, in the book of Acts,
we see disagreements happen amongst believers
of what they're to do, and they work through that,
and they trust through that.
But here is the example that I will give you
in the experience of my own life.
There is not a human being that I believe
that I love more, nor loves me more, than my wife.
I love her.
I can't wait to continue to grow old with her.
I can't wait for this adventure that God has for us.
I see so many characteristics of how God uses her
time and time again in my life,
not to just grow me as a man, as a husband, as a father,
but more importantly, how God uses her to grow me
as a godly man, as a godly husband, and as a godly father.
But guess what?
As much as I love her, and as much as she loves me,
there's probably not another person on this planet
that I've had more disagreements with than my wife.
Now, she's right.
More times than not.
I love my marriage, right?
But here's the beauty of the marriage.
Here's the beauty of the disagreement,
is that I love her enough, and I trust her enough,
to when two people, even though they love the Lord,
get together and begin to bang their heads together
on where they should go, on what they should do,
on how they're seeing things, on how they should parent,
of what they should have happen in their marriage.
When two godly people come together,
and their heads are banging from that,
the tendency in this, and probably not for her,
but the tendency for me is, "Bo, shut up.
"Listen, learn.
"Do you believe that she has a heart for the Lord?
"Yes.
"Do you believe that the Holy Spirit is in her?
"Absolutely.
"Then maybe God is trying to show you
"and teach you something in this moment."
Right?
And here's what I noticed.
The same thing goes on with her.
The lie of Christianity is that we can't disagree.
We can disagree, but it's what we're working for
in the disagreement that matters.
Jesus even tells us, "Listen, when you disagree,
"when one brother sins against you,
"here's how you can work through that.
"Here's how you can work together, and God's glorified."
Does repentance need to happen sometimes?
Absolutely it does.
Does confession need to happen sometimes?
Absolutely.
Does forgiveness need to be exchanged back and forth?
You bet it does.
But toxic people says, "You can't disagree with me."
Godly people says, "Let's work through this.
"Let's work through this disagreement."
And here's why.
Here's why godly people land on this.
Because God gives grace and truth.
Because God gives the truth of his word,
the truth of who he is.
And when we disagree with that,
maybe not intellectually, but in our hearts
and in our actions, what God reminds us of is the truth.
We've disagreed with him.
He reminds us of the truth of his word,
and he extends us the grace of Calvary.
The next one that we'll see.
Genesis 31, 22 through 23.
When it was told Laban on the third day
that Jacob had fled, he took his kinsmen with him
and pursued him for seven days,
and followed close after him
into the hill country of Gilead.
All right, so toxic people pursue death.
Toxic people pursue death.
You're like, "Well, but I don't see death in that."
Well, verse 23, he took his kinsmen with him
and pursued him.
That pursued him right there is not the verb
that we would understand of like,
there's been some big misunderstanding.
Let's see if we can chase this down
so that we can just set the record straight
and everybody just high five and hold hands
and walk away happy.
This mind of, or this word of pursued,
it would have been the word that a king would use
as he would go and build an army,
and then use the army to pursue after the other army
that was there for him to destroy.
So in the mind of Laban,
and in the heart of Laban,
let me get my family and let's go kill my family.
Toxic people pursue death.
You know, but that's extreme.
That's extreme.
I know some toxic people.
I've maybe even been toxic,
but Bo, there's no way that death in taking their life
is where my heart was set.
Well, here's what I'll tell you within there.
While toxic people may not seek
to physically take your life,
toxic people do seek to take your health,
your finances, your opportunities,
your family, your love, your joy.
Toxic people don't care if they crush your spirit
as long as their entitlement is met,
as long as what they long for
and what they feel like will give them life
connects with them.
And so toxic people, yes,
and if you are toxic this morning, yes.
Your heart is not a heart of life.
It's not a heart of peace.
It's not a heart of joy,
but it's a heart of death.
So what do godly people pursue?
Well, godly people pursue life.
Godly people pursue life.
Godly people, what God calls us,
godly people desire.
Like, let's land on this.
All right, I should have given,
I thought about this and I meant to do this.
I meant to give the warning
when we started talking about toxic people.
Because when we say this morning
we're gonna talk about toxic people,
my tendency is probably your tendency.
You just did like the foul of people in your life
that you believe to be toxic.
You started spiraling through
and you may be sitting right next to one of them today.
You started spiraling through all the people in your life
that you feel, oh man, we're about to rip them apart
and these are dirty, nasty, filthy people.
Man, Laban's gonna get what Laban gets
and I can't wait to go to work tomorrow.
I can't wait to go home today.
I can't wait to get on Facebook this afternoon.
I can't wait to do all the things I need to do
because what I need to do, man,
they're pursuers of death and I'm gonna let them have it
because this is who they are
because of all the death and destruction that they bring.
But here's the deal, here's the problem with that.
Godly people pursue life because godly people desire
for others to be blessed.
That's why when Jesus is teaching us about prayer,
that's why when Jesus is teaching us the very character
in the fabric of who we need to be,
he calls for us to pray for those who persecute us,
to bless those who persecute us.
Why in the world would Jesus ever do that?
Why in the world would Jesus ever say,
Jesus, do you know how they hurt me?
Jesus, do you know what they did to me?
Jesus, do you know what they've caused
and they've created in my life?
Jesus, do you know the consequences that I have to live in
because of what they've done?
And Jesus says, yes, I do,
because that's what we've done to him.
But this is what he's done for us.
And that's why we share the gospel,
not just with cute little kids who are so nice and sweet
and we think that they deserve to know who Jesus is,
because we share Jesus with everyone.
It's the whole point of the gospel.
It's that no one's worthy, no one's righteous, not one.
Not them, not you, not me.
So toxic people pursue death,
godly people pursue life because of this,
because God pursues for life.
God pursues for life.
That the Bible tells us that while you and I
were dead in our trespasses and sins,
that Christ came and he died for us
and pursued you and drew you
with the hope of the truth of his gospel.
He didn't say, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Aaron,
y'all just get what you deserve.
He's like, no, no, no, it's the exact opposite.
You actually get what you don't deserve.
And you get Jesus.
Next, toxic people.
Toxic people rally others against you.
Rally others against you.
Laban said, now let's go get the horses.
Let's go get them.
And here's what toxic people do.
Toxic people do the exact same thing.
I'm sure there's the dialogue that is happening.
There's the dialogue that's taking place
as Laban is rallying the troops.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
we're getting the sword and we're going after them.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what we're gonna do
because here's why we're doing this.
Here's what they've done.
Here's what we need to rip them apart for.
Here's how dirty, here's how terrible,
here's how evil they are.
Can you believe what they've done to me?
Now, I've never rallied the sword,
but I've rallied the sword of the tongue.
(audience laughing)
Hey, can I talk to you for a second?
And can I tell you what so and so has done to me?
Can I tell you about the very fabric
of their character, of who they are?
Can I belittle them so much to the point
to where your perspective of them
is no longer your perspective of them?
And fight that your perspective of them
isn't even the truthful perspective of them,
but that your perspective of them is my perspective of them?
Toxic people rally others against you,
but godly people, godly people rally others for you,
rally others for you.
If you sat here today and said
that you've never manipulated a story
to rally one person against another person,
I'll apologize if I need to, but I don't believe you.
I don't believe you.
And I think it's a common characteristic in all of us
of what we will do, of how we will manipulate,
of how we will destroy, but godly people, godly people,
of what God has for us, of the expectation of God's word,
that they rally others for you.
They rally others for you.
Not only for you to go in the great commission
of what Jesus calls us to go and to take the gospel
to every man, woman, and child, every tribe,
every tongue, every people, to rally others for you,
but these are phrases and words that are used
throughout scripture in the interpersonal relationship
and dialogue between individuals.
Bear with one another.
You know what that means?
When Paul uses that phrase, bear with one another,
here's what he's saying.
There's going to be people that you don't like.
There's going to be people who are brought into your midst.
Bear with them, bear with them.
They're on a journey as well.
Carry one another, encourage one another, love one another.
I love this one, spur one another on for good works.
You see, toxic people rally others against you,
but godly people rally others for you
because here's what godly people know,
God is always for you.
God is for you.
God's not out here in this misperception of who he is
going, man, I can't wait.
I can't wait till Mike does something wrong
'cause look at what I can do to him.
I can't wait until Joan steps out of line
because then this is what I can do for her.
But that God, when you do step out,
is still always for you of how can I grow you,
what can I do?
So how can we be against one another if God is for us?
Next.
Toxic people demand control.
The first part of Genesis 31, 25,
and Laban overtook Jacob.
We don't know how.
I don't believe this was by force.
I think this was by intimidation.
God had said be careful what you do,
be careful what you say,
and so just as I would have to envision
of what this would look like,
I just kind of view it as a surrounding.
You're trapped, you're in the middle,
there's nothing that you can do
as I have now taken over and I've taken control.
When we struggle with control,
I struggle with control, you struggle with control,
we struggle with control.
In so many instances in these situations,
the reason why toxic people,
why they demand control is this,
because in their situation, they are their own God.
Even when they say they're desiring the things of God,
they're still saying as I'm not trusting
that God's in control, I need to be in control.
I know best, I determine what is best,
my perspective is best.
It's what we see in the life of Laban.
Even there at the end, even as boundaries were being drawn,
even though he has no clue of what is good,
of what is right, even in the midst
of the opportunity to speak about what is happening,
Laban is saying no, no, no, no, I am in control.
What do godly people do?
Release, release, release.
Even in what God has entrusted us with, we release.
We don't release to chance, but we release to trust
because God is in control,
because we know of who God is.
In our releasing of control does not mean
that we don't lead, we do lead,
but we lead under the guidance and the direction of God.
In the verse that we began with,
God's saying follow me, follow me, follow me.
In your life, are you seeking to demand control?
To manipulate, to get control?
Or are you releasing?
Because here's what your heart and your mind is doing.
You're agreeing with the reality that God is in control.
Next we see toxic people seek to blame others.
Genesis 31, 26 to 28.
And Laban said to Jacob,
"What have you done that you have tricked me
"and driven away my daughters like captives of the sword?
"Why did you flee secretly and tricked me
"and did not tell me so that I might have sent you away
"with mirth and song, with tambourines and lyre
"and why did you not permit me to kiss my sons
"and my daughters farewell?
"Now you have done foolishly."
Here Laban points out some things that are true.
And this goes back, they all kind of tie together.
Here's the twisting, here's the manipulation.
Jacob waited till Laban was gone.
The Bible tells us that Laban was a three-day journey away.
Let me just tell you, if you're ever trying to get away
from someone and they're three days away,
that would be the good time to do it, right?
And so the opportunity arises and he goes
and he takes off and he flees.
But who was being the one that tricked?
Who was being the one that was deceitful?
It wasn't Jacob in this instant, it was Laban.
Here's what Laban's saying, "Nothing is my fault.
"In this situation, I am innocent.
"In this situation, I am the victim.
"In this situation, this is what you've done to me."
Toxic people, look, they seek to blame others.
I've got my issues, I've got my problems.
In the circle of my issue and in my problem,
let me tell you, 99.99999999 times out of 100,
do you know whose fault that is?
Mine, mine.
Have other people hurt me?
Sure.
Have other people mistreated me?
Absolutely.
Have other people lied to me?
Yes, but toxic people seek to blame others.
Here's what godly people do.
They examine themselves.
Because we know what we are capable of.
Even if I'm godly, I still have sin.
I can still be wrong.
And what I need to do is I need to examine my heart,
my mind, my motives, my actions.
Even when I'm seeking to do the godly things,
I need to examine the power of the Holy Spirit, God,
as I seek to make decisions for you.
Is it still driven by selfish ambition?
God, even as I release control to you,
God, what things am I still trying to grasp a hold of
and hold on to?
God, in what area of my life, Lord,
am I even unaware of?
Lord, and take the darkness that is the depth of my heart
and reveal it to me so that I can come to the sweet spot
of confession and repentance before you.
Godly people examine themselves
because here's what they know.
God forgives.
It's the beauty of getting caught.
It's the beauty when the Holy Spirit
begins to draw at you
and begins to expose that which is ugly.
And if you've been there,
you know there's this bit of this wrestling within you.
It's in the brokenness of your tears.
You're reminded of the joy of your salvation
because God forgives.
God forgives.
You say, but God couldn't forgive that.
Oh yeah, he could.
Yeah, he could.
Over and over and over again.
Lastly, we talk about toxic people
and then we're gonna talk about how to handle toxic people.
Toxic people seek to be the victim.
Seek to be the victim.
You see, their identity is found in themselves
and what they can overcome.
This is why they blame.
They blame because if I am the victim,
guess what I can do?
I can leverage that as well.
It's another stone in the throne
that I've marked as my kingdom
to elevate me a little bit higher,
a little bit higher, a little bit higher.
Toxic people long for desire to be the victim.
But godly people, godly people,
they know that they are the victor
because their victory is not found
in the circumstances of this world.
Their victory is found in Christ.
I wanna be careful and I wanna be sensitive to this
because there are a lot of people sitting in this room
and you have been the victim.
There have been people who have mistreated you.
There have been people who have abused you.
There have been people that have stolen,
that have taken, that have beaten down your name.
They've done all they can to destroy you
beyond what I can fathom in my own life.
But let me tell you this,
that even in that, even in where you've been brought,
even to where you found yourself,
in Christ, in Christ you have the victory
because God, he is our source of victory.
And this is so important when we understand
about dealing with toxic people
because it's that part, it's our culture, it's our world,
but I gotta win.
The record has to be set straight.
Evil cannot win.
They cannot have this victory.
But let me tell you what, evil has not won.
Evil has been defeated.
Christ has overcome it all.
Christ has overcome death.
Christ has overcome the grave.
Christ has been raised.
Christ has been exalted.
And in that, and in him, and in who he is,
and he is our source of victory.
So you can belittle my name, you can belittle my character,
you can belittle my integrity,
you can take shot after shot after shot,
but God, physically speaking and spiritually speaking,
God, may we be like the people,
may we be as your people like Paul,
who's thrown in the basement, in the cellar,
in the dungeon of a prison,
surrounded by the septic and the sewage of the jail,
still begin to proclaim and to sing praises of who God is
and to share about how God is faithful and has the victory.
And that's how we become the godly people
that he's called us to do.
So lastly, lastly,
how do Christians deal with toxic people?
I read a lot of resources, said a lot of prayers,
examined my own life.
While this might not be an all-encompassing list,
I feel like it puts us pointed in a direction
of what God would have for us.
Number one, how do you handle toxic people?
Number one, with compassion.
Desire, look at them with the eyes of Jesus.
I heard a pastor say this week,
how do we have eyes for people
with the way that Jesus had eyes for 'em?
We pray for 'em.
It's hard to stay mad at somebody you pray for.
Have compassion, not hate.
Jesus on the cross exuded not vengeance,
not hatred, but compassion.
Two, desire change, desire change.
Desire change in your own life,
begin with an examination of your heart,
but also desire change for them.
But do so with godly intentions
and to seek God's best for them.
Desire this change, not so that the situation
will go away for you, but desire their change
for God's glory.
The third, and we see this in this narrative,
stand firm, stand firm.
We see at the very end of this story,
boundary lines drawn, memorials built
to remember that day.
I feel like as Jacob would've walked away,
there's this sense of freedom
as I'm leaving behind the toxic that is there
to do what God has for me.
Stand firm, stand firm.
Set boundaries, set boundaries.
Your boundary may look different from person to person,
from situation to situation, set boundaries.
Number two, protect your family, protect your family.
Husbands, listen to me, listen to me.
Be the leader, and when someone attacks your family,
do not put the burden on your wife to set the boundary,
but lead your family in the way that God has called you to.
Protect your family.
The third, do not enable,
do not enable their sinful actions.
Do not enable their sinful actions.
To be a person who's godly does not mean
that you have to walk in every single day
and let them punch you right on the chin.
Do not enable their sinful actions.
The fourth thing, desire your growth through it.
Desire your growth through it.
There's one more, but I wanna say this really quickly.
You might say that this standing firm seems harsh.
Set boundaries, protect your family.
Don't enable their sinful actions.
I don't wanna get into the details,
but I wanna tell you how God works and moves
in toxic situations.
23 years ago, two days before I got saved,
my mom asked me to come sit at our kitchen table.
She looked at her firstborn son,
who she loved and loves,
and she was right in what she said.
What she said between me and her.
(crying)
The exact details are, but her communication was this.
You're toxic, and I've gotta set a boundary
for my family, and I've gotta protect them,
and I can't enable you anymore.
So this is where we go as we move forward.
And before you judge my mother, before you judge her,
here's what I wanna say to you.
That day, loud and clear, here's what my mother
was saying to me.
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.
It wasn't out of anger, it wasn't out of hatred,
it was out of a love for God and a desire for me.
And so she set a boundary.
She protected her family.
She desired, she desired to no longer enable
my sinful actions.
And two days later, two days later,
a guy who reeked of alcohol,
literally and figuratively, at the rock bottom of his life,
gave his life to God.
And I thank the Lord every day, every day,
not just for my salvation, but for a mother
who loved me enough to say enough is enough,
to draw a boundary.
Because here's what she was doing.
As she would no longer enable the destructive pattern
of my life, I thought in that moment she was protecting
her, my dad, and my sister.
She was protecting me.
And she let me experience the depth of my sin
and the destruction that came with it.
The fourth thing, when the boundaries have been laid out,
when the stand has been made, pray for reconciliation.
(exhales)
Pray for reconciliation.
I wish I could tell you every time you do this,
reconciliation happens, but I can't make that promise.
But pray for reconciliation.
My mom prayed, we were reconciled.
I got a great relationship with my mom,
got a great relationship with my dad.
I love them, they love me.
But the reconciliation is not just the reconciliation
between me and them.
The reconciliation that we desire above all
is the reconciliation between man and God,
to be made right, to be made new in him.
So if you guys are toxic people in your life,
I wanna encourage you, I wanna encourage you.
Compassion, desire to change, stand firm,
pray for reconciliation.
And we close with this.
What if you're toxic?
I said this last time, not all lost people are toxic.
This is not a conversation about lost people
versus saved people.
Sometimes there's godly people that in situations
and relationships can be toxic,
can carry maybe not all of the toxic traits
that we looked at, but some of them.
And maybe that's you.
Over the last two weeks, I've had the power
of the Holy Spirit examine my own heart,
my own life, my own actions, my own motives,
my own reasons.
And if you find yourself today,
oh man, there is the list of people
whose names and faces I hear,
but I'm toxic.
I'm toxic at work, or I'm toxic in my home,
or I'm toxic in my church, or I'm toxic with my friends.
What do you do?
Do you leave here frustrated?
Do you leave here disappointed?
Do you leave here, no, no, no, no, no, please don't.
In just a moment, the band is gonna come on stage.
I'm gonna ask you, I'm gonna close
with the same thing I closed with last week.
If you find yourself as being a toxic person,
number one, confess that before the Lord today.
Confess your sin to him.
He already knows.
Confess it to him.
You may need to go from here
and sit down with those closest to you
and confess how you've been toxic to them
and to ask for their forgiveness.
I wanna encourage you to do so.
But number one, confess.
Number two, repent.
Repent.
Make a turn.
Choose different.
Choose better.
Choose what God has for you.
Not because you and I haven't figured out, because he does.
Desire his way over your way.
Release your control as you know he's in control.
And then lastly, depend on God.
Depend on God.
If this is gonna happen in your life,
it's not because you and I are great.
It's not because you and I are perfect.
It's not because you and I have it all figured out.
It's because he is.
He is.
And while you and I may seek to manipulate,
to change, to alter behaviors,
only he can change our heart.
Depend on God.
Would you pray with me?
God, I come to you this morning.
[exhales]
God, thank you.
Thank you for your unfailing love for us.
God, may we not be the characteristics of a toxic person.
God, may we, from not through a change of a behavior,
God, through a change of heart,
for as we acknowledge that at our core,
we choose sin,
but we put our faith, our hope, and our trust in you.
And you forgive us of our sin,
and you set us free from our sin.
So Lord, we've been crucified with Christ.
God, I pray that we can go from this place
as men and women,
saved and redeemed by the blood of the lamb.
God, for those who are toxic in our life,
we show them the compassion of Christ,
the stand firm, Lord, in the convictions
of where you have us.
God, I wish there was a list that we could give out
to say this is what boundaries looks like,
or we can't.
So may we depend on you and follow you
as we walk through the dynamic
of these relationships in our life.
God, where we find that we have been toxic
or through the power of your Holy Spirit,
Lord, would we just be obedient to you,
obedient in our confession, obedient in our repentance,
obedient as we depend on you to do the work in us
for your name and for your glory.
In the name of Jesus, we pray, amen.
- Thanks again for listening,
and be sure to check back next week for another episode.
In the meantime, you can visit us at willowridgechurch.org
or by searching for Willow Ridge Church
on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.
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