WEBVTT 00:00:03.000 --> 00:00:06.120 Matt Abrahams: One of my greatest pleasures is interacting with the 00:00:06.120 --> 00:00:09.390 global Think Fast Talk Smart audience. 00:00:09.720 --> 00:00:13.230 My name is Matt Abrahams and I teach strategic communication at 00:00:13.230 --> 00:00:15.570 Stanford Graduate School of Business. 00:00:15.810 --> 00:00:19.590 Welcome to Think Fast Talk Smart, the podcast. 00:00:20.070 --> 00:00:23.280 Recently I had an opportunity to speak with our community 00:00:23.280 --> 00:00:26.520 at an AMA, Ask Matt Anything. 00:00:26.850 --> 00:00:29.040 Let's listen in to see how it went. 00:00:32.189 --> 00:00:36.210 Well, before we get started and talk about your questions, I'd love to 00:00:36.210 --> 00:00:41.790 start with a foundational communication skill, and that is listening. 00:00:42.030 --> 00:00:45.450 Today, I want to talk about listening up so you can listen in 00:00:45.600 --> 00:00:48.000 and really connect to your audience. 00:00:48.300 --> 00:00:53.370 Listening is truly a critical component of all of our communication. 00:00:53.670 --> 00:00:55.890 It really helps us be successful. 00:00:56.385 --> 00:01:00.735 Now the reality is most of us are not great listeners, and I 00:01:00.735 --> 00:01:02.895 have to give a big caveat here. 00:01:02.925 --> 00:01:08.685 Whenever I teach listening skills, my wife gets a little bit upset because she thinks 00:01:08.895 --> 00:01:10.695 I need to work on those skills as well. 00:01:10.695 --> 00:01:12.945 So we're all still learning to be better listeners. 00:01:13.554 --> 00:01:15.175 Listening is challenging. 00:01:15.295 --> 00:01:20.905 Most of us listen just enough to get the gist of what someone is saying, the high 00:01:20.905 --> 00:01:26.425 level, and then we begin rehearsing, planning, judging what it is that we 00:01:26.425 --> 00:01:28.104 want to say and what others are saying. 00:01:28.285 --> 00:01:30.715 And that gets in the way of us listening well. 00:01:30.955 --> 00:01:34.225 In fact, there's some very specific barriers that get in the way 00:01:34.435 --> 00:01:37.735 of our listening, and they all start with the letter P. First, 00:01:37.735 --> 00:01:39.265 there are physical barriers. 00:01:39.265 --> 00:01:42.354 This has to do with just the physical ambient noise. 00:01:42.649 --> 00:01:45.200 Another barrier is physiological. 00:01:45.350 --> 00:01:47.960 This is what's going on in our bodies. 00:01:48.230 --> 00:01:49.580 Maybe we're tired. 00:01:49.880 --> 00:01:51.320 Maybe we're nervous. 00:01:51.530 --> 00:01:55.700 And then finally, there are psychological barriers. 00:01:55.910 --> 00:02:00.860 These are our predispositions, our concerns, our hesitations. 00:02:01.220 --> 00:02:05.840 All of this can get in the way and prevent us from listening well. 00:02:05.870 --> 00:02:10.340 These three Ps can be very, very challenging. 00:02:10.725 --> 00:02:11.565 So what do we do? 00:02:11.625 --> 00:02:13.005 How can we listen better? 00:02:13.560 --> 00:02:17.519 In my book, Think Faster, Talk Smarter, I had the wonderful pleasure of 00:02:17.519 --> 00:02:19.200 interviewing many listening experts. 00:02:19.260 --> 00:02:21.480 One of them was Collins Dobbs. 00:02:21.480 --> 00:02:24.239 Collins actually teaches with me at Stanford's Graduate School of 00:02:24.239 --> 00:02:29.970 Business, and he introduced me to the ideas of pace, space, and grace. 00:02:30.299 --> 00:02:34.079 I want to introduce you to ways you can ace your listening. 00:02:34.380 --> 00:02:39.570 First and foremost, we need to take the time to slow down so we can be present. 00:02:40.079 --> 00:02:43.440 So, perhaps that means scheduling a particular time 00:02:43.440 --> 00:02:45.239 to have a deep conversation. 00:02:45.480 --> 00:02:49.739 Maybe it means moving to a different location where it's quieter. 00:02:49.920 --> 00:02:55.109 Taking the time to slow down will help you listen and be present. 00:02:55.109 --> 00:02:56.700 So pace is first. 00:02:56.965 --> 00:03:00.984 We also have to make sure that the space is appropriate, where we sit, 00:03:00.984 --> 00:03:05.815 how we're situated, how the room is arranged, or the virtual environment 00:03:05.965 --> 00:03:07.285 can really make a difference. 00:03:07.525 --> 00:03:09.894 But I'm also talking about mental space. 00:03:10.105 --> 00:03:14.305 We need to make sure that we give ourselves the space to focus. 00:03:14.515 --> 00:03:19.765 You need to remind yourself, I need to be here, now, for this interaction because 00:03:19.765 --> 00:03:22.375 if I'm not, it's not going to go as well. 00:03:22.535 --> 00:03:25.025 I'm likely not to hear and understand. 00:03:25.174 --> 00:03:28.385 And then finally, we have to give ourselves a little grace. 00:03:28.595 --> 00:03:33.305 We have to give ourselves permission to listen well, and to listen not just 00:03:33.305 --> 00:03:38.614 for what is said, but how it is said, when it is said, where it is said. 00:03:39.095 --> 00:03:41.795 We have an intuition that we need to listen to. 00:03:42.125 --> 00:03:46.055 I'm gonna give you an example where I failed to give myself some grace. 00:03:46.265 --> 00:03:48.665 I had a colleague, we were coming out of a meeting. 00:03:49.055 --> 00:03:52.380 My colleague turned to me and said, how do you think it went? 00:03:52.710 --> 00:03:57.630 I immediately heard feedback and itemized all the things that we did 00:03:57.630 --> 00:03:59.670 wrong, that we could have done better. 00:03:59.970 --> 00:04:04.440 But in fact, had I actually slowed down, had I noticed our environment, 00:04:04.620 --> 00:04:09.300 and given myself permission to listen beyond the words that my colleague 00:04:09.300 --> 00:04:12.870 said, I would've realized that he was not interested in feedback at all. 00:04:13.400 --> 00:04:18.380 What he really wanted was support, but I wasn't present and I wasn't listening. 00:04:18.560 --> 00:04:21.589 And unfortunately because I just itemized all the things that went 00:04:21.589 --> 00:04:23.780 wrong, I did him a disservice. 00:04:23.990 --> 00:04:26.900 So it's important that we ace our listening. 00:04:27.080 --> 00:04:29.900 Pace, space, and grace. 00:04:30.485 --> 00:04:34.715 Now beyond that, we have to focus on what we do with our bodies. 00:04:34.985 --> 00:04:39.155 Non-verbally, when we listen, we need to approach the person 00:04:39.155 --> 00:04:40.445 or people we're listening to. 00:04:40.595 --> 00:04:43.085 We need to orient our shoulders towards them. 00:04:43.175 --> 00:04:46.325 If we're speaking virtually, we need to look at the camera because it 00:04:46.325 --> 00:04:47.945 looks like we are looking at them. 00:04:48.065 --> 00:04:51.485 We want to have an open posture, pulling our shoulder blades down. 00:04:51.790 --> 00:04:53.470 Again, eye contact is critical. 00:04:53.470 --> 00:04:56.320 As the person is speaking, we're looking and nodding. 00:04:56.410 --> 00:04:59.530 We want to make sure our eyes aren't darting and we're looking away. 00:04:59.680 --> 00:05:04.030 These are called back channels that we deliver to signal that we are listening. 00:05:04.300 --> 00:05:08.260 So these are things that we can do with our bodies to help communicate. 00:05:08.539 --> 00:05:13.460 In terms of what we actually say, a wonderful technique that I really like 00:05:13.520 --> 00:05:16.880 is to listen through paraphrasing. 00:05:17.210 --> 00:05:23.090 When we listen, we signal that listening through what we say and how we say it. 00:05:23.630 --> 00:05:27.585 I believe paraphrasing is an amazing way to listen. 00:05:27.825 --> 00:05:33.885 Paraphrasing is where we take what the person has said and we distill it down 00:05:33.885 --> 00:05:36.705 to its essential essence, the gist. 00:05:37.034 --> 00:05:41.294 We make it shorter, and then we highlight the key ideas. 00:05:41.804 --> 00:05:47.365 So when I go to speak, I make sure that I listen to what they say and then 00:05:47.365 --> 00:05:50.430 I speak the paraphrase, the essence. 00:05:50.729 --> 00:05:52.380 I don't have to say everything. 00:05:52.620 --> 00:05:59.520 Instead, we are simply highlighting the key through stating what it is you've 00:05:59.520 --> 00:06:05.880 heard, you not only increase fidelity, the accuracy, because if my paraphrase 00:06:05.880 --> 00:06:10.469 is inaccurate, the person can correct me, but also I signal that I listen. 00:06:10.795 --> 00:06:13.815 Many of you are familiar with the work of Alison Wood Brooks. 00:06:13.815 --> 00:06:15.175 Alison is a good friend of mine. 00:06:15.175 --> 00:06:16.975 She teaches at Harvard's Business School. 00:06:17.095 --> 00:06:22.645 She has done research that shows when you actually paraphrase, it actually deepens 00:06:22.645 --> 00:06:25.075 the connection you have with the person. 00:06:25.165 --> 00:06:28.105 So paraphrasing not only increases fidelity and deepens 00:06:28.105 --> 00:06:33.595 the relationship, when you listen to paraphrase, you listen better. 00:06:34.015 --> 00:06:39.345 So my challenge to everyone is, as you listen, ace your listening. 00:06:39.645 --> 00:06:44.145 Pace, space, grace, and listen to paraphrase. 00:06:44.355 --> 00:06:49.575 One great way to do this is to take the time in your interpersonal 00:06:49.575 --> 00:06:54.215 relationships when you are not actively participating, let's say you're in a 00:06:54.215 --> 00:06:58.534 meeting and someone else is speaking, be thinking to yourself, what's the 00:06:58.534 --> 00:07:00.125 bottom line of what they're saying? 00:07:00.425 --> 00:07:05.225 By focusing on that bottom line, you're training your brain to paraphrase. 00:07:05.585 --> 00:07:09.995 When you listen to one of our episodes at the end, paraphrase, 00:07:10.055 --> 00:07:12.425 what's the key takeaway for me? 00:07:12.755 --> 00:07:16.625 In so doing much like an athlete, you're doing a drill that will 00:07:16.625 --> 00:07:21.330 prepare you to better listen and connect when you really need to. 00:07:21.630 --> 00:07:25.680 So with that, it's clear that listening is critical. 00:07:25.740 --> 00:07:29.850 We have to listen up to listen in so that we can connect with our 00:07:29.850 --> 00:07:35.070 audiences and we can make sure that the information has high fidelity. 00:07:35.640 --> 00:07:39.300 I'd like now to switch and do some listening from you. 00:07:39.660 --> 00:07:43.080 I'd like to hear your questions and the first two questions are going 00:07:43.080 --> 00:07:45.720 to come from premium participants. 00:07:45.930 --> 00:07:50.040 These are folks who've signed up for our premium offering, and I 00:07:50.040 --> 00:07:54.030 thank all of you who have taken the time to be part of our premium. 00:07:54.480 --> 00:07:58.140 I'd love to bring Guillermo front and center, Guillermo from Michigan. 00:07:58.140 --> 00:07:59.280 Can you join us please? 00:07:59.490 --> 00:08:00.060 Guillermo: Hi Matt. 00:08:00.240 --> 00:08:00.870 Hi everyone. 00:08:01.200 --> 00:08:01.680 Matt Abrahams: Excellent. 00:08:01.680 --> 00:08:03.120 You have a question for us, Guillermo? 00:08:03.300 --> 00:08:06.780 Guillermo: I do, but before I ask my question, Matt, I wanna say thank you. 00:08:07.215 --> 00:08:11.625 Your work has helped me communicate effectively with my family, my 00:08:11.625 --> 00:08:15.165 friends at work, and even inside my own mind, so thank you. 00:08:15.345 --> 00:08:16.875 Matt Abrahams: Thank you very much, Guillermo. 00:08:17.325 --> 00:08:21.195 Guillermo: My question is, when we are preparing for a presentation 00:08:21.195 --> 00:08:25.005 or a speech, how can we choose the right structure, the tools and the 00:08:25.005 --> 00:08:28.065 techniques based on the audience that we're gonna communicate with? 00:08:28.244 --> 00:08:32.505 For example, when we're preparing for a customer presentation, it 00:08:32.505 --> 00:08:35.625 might be different, we're gonna speak in front of our employees. 00:08:36.015 --> 00:08:36.615 Matt Abrahams: Excellent. 00:08:36.620 --> 00:08:39.885 So the question is how do we prepare and how do we pick the 00:08:39.885 --> 00:08:42.405 right tools and frameworks to use? 00:08:42.825 --> 00:08:47.865 It boils down to what you know about your audience and what their expectations are. 00:08:48.015 --> 00:08:49.245 That's where we start. 00:08:49.245 --> 00:08:52.545 So we have to do that reconnaissance, reflection, and research in 00:08:52.545 --> 00:08:56.545 advance about who our audience is and what's important to them. 00:08:57.224 --> 00:09:01.395 Then we have to decide what is our true goal in this moment. 00:09:01.395 --> 00:09:03.645 And if you've heard me teach or speak before, you know, I 00:09:03.645 --> 00:09:07.515 believe a goal has three parts, information, emotion, and action. 00:09:07.814 --> 00:09:11.415 And when you have those two together, then you can make some decisions. 00:09:11.625 --> 00:09:16.465 And those decisions impact the structures that you use, the wording that you 00:09:16.465 --> 00:09:19.135 choose, and the actions that you request. 00:09:19.615 --> 00:09:24.955 So for example, let's say I am pitching a product at a team meeting. 00:09:25.105 --> 00:09:29.665 I might know that this is a group of very technical people and they 00:09:29.665 --> 00:09:35.365 are very concerned about how we are going to actually craft this product. 00:09:35.665 --> 00:09:41.765 So I might define what I am setting up as a problem that we need to solve 00:09:41.855 --> 00:09:46.475 because I know this team of very technical people likes to solve problems. 00:09:46.714 --> 00:09:50.735 People who are into technology, into science, deeply financial, 00:09:51.035 --> 00:09:53.045 tend to like problems. 00:09:53.255 --> 00:09:57.935 So I might say, in our offering, we have one area that's missing. 00:09:58.085 --> 00:10:01.415 This is a problem that leads to these results. 00:10:01.595 --> 00:10:06.245 By framing it that way, I get more engagement and likely more support. 00:10:06.599 --> 00:10:12.089 Now if I wanted that same product to be implemented into our solution, and 00:10:12.089 --> 00:10:16.709 I'm talking to people who might be in sales or marketing, they perhaps 00:10:16.709 --> 00:10:21.810 might not be as interested in problems as they are opportunities, and an 00:10:21.810 --> 00:10:25.020 opportunity is where something's not wrong, but could be better. 00:10:25.319 --> 00:10:29.729 So I could take exactly the same desire, bringing this particular product to 00:10:29.729 --> 00:10:34.260 our offerings, but frame it differently based on what I know about my audience. 00:10:34.570 --> 00:10:39.190 So the knowledge of your audience, the goal that you have, guide you to 00:10:39.190 --> 00:10:43.960 picking the particular frameworks, wording, and approach that you take to 00:10:43.960 --> 00:10:46.840 ultimately get to the ask that you have. 00:10:47.110 --> 00:10:50.140 So Guillermo, it's really about doing that homework upfront. 00:10:50.665 --> 00:10:54.415 And then, in addition, you can do a little bit of reflection about 00:10:54.415 --> 00:10:58.495 what has worked in the past for you when doing something similar. 00:10:58.495 --> 00:11:02.215 So by combining a reflection with what you know about your audience and your 00:11:02.215 --> 00:11:08.035 goal, you can actually deliver a message that is much more likely to hit the spot. 00:11:08.425 --> 00:11:10.075 Guillermo, thank you for that question. 00:11:10.075 --> 00:11:11.245 I really appreciate it. 00:11:11.245 --> 00:11:14.275 I appreciate you listening, and I'm so glad that you have found 00:11:14.275 --> 00:11:17.824 value from what it is we all do here at Think Fast Talk Smart. 00:11:18.345 --> 00:11:20.595 Let's bring in our second premium user. 00:11:20.595 --> 00:11:21.525 This is Maurice. 00:11:21.525 --> 00:11:25.365 And Maurice, you're calling from Amsterdam in the Netherlands. 00:11:25.485 --> 00:11:26.085 Thank you. 00:11:26.385 --> 00:11:29.565 Maurice: My question is about how can we help people to develop 00:11:29.565 --> 00:11:32.595 in a targeted manner to properly apply the right communication? 00:11:32.925 --> 00:11:36.045 You, you explained like, for instance, the pace, space, grace. 00:11:36.225 --> 00:11:39.880 Now we know it, but what matters most is practice, is learning to apply 00:11:39.880 --> 00:11:43.510 it and through learning intervention or simply applying it in practice. 00:11:43.510 --> 00:11:47.319 So what's a good method to learn to apply all this communication 00:11:47.319 --> 00:11:49.660 knowledge for the level of proficiency? 00:11:50.319 --> 00:11:52.930 Matt Abrahams: So it's one thing to learn these skills, it's 00:11:52.930 --> 00:11:54.579 another thing to apply them. 00:11:54.969 --> 00:11:58.390 I've been teaching communication skills for over twenty-five years and have 00:11:58.390 --> 00:12:03.160 really tried to help people, not just gain the insights, but actually apply them. 00:12:03.160 --> 00:12:04.655 And there are several things that can help. 00:12:05.235 --> 00:12:09.765 First, we have to make sure that we understand the concept clearly 00:12:09.765 --> 00:12:12.825 and completely, which means we have to do some thinking about it. 00:12:12.825 --> 00:12:16.035 One of the big mistakes my students make is they think they get it, 00:12:16.035 --> 00:12:18.975 and then they start, and then they get disappointed because it doesn't 00:12:18.975 --> 00:12:20.625 go the way that they had expected. 00:12:20.745 --> 00:12:24.735 So the first step, I believe, is to really take some time to reflect. 00:12:24.825 --> 00:12:25.935 Reflection is key. 00:12:26.265 --> 00:12:27.945 What is it that I'm trying to learn? 00:12:27.945 --> 00:12:31.205 So if you're learning a new framework, many of you know I'm a big fan 00:12:31.205 --> 00:12:32.885 of the framework structure, what? 00:12:33.065 --> 00:12:33.725 So what? 00:12:33.845 --> 00:12:34.445 Now what? 00:12:34.775 --> 00:12:37.925 If you're learning that you really need to take a moment to say, do I 00:12:37.925 --> 00:12:42.995 appreciate and understand each of the different components in that, what? 00:12:43.175 --> 00:12:43.835 So what? 00:12:44.045 --> 00:12:44.675 And now what? 00:12:44.944 --> 00:12:49.115 Once I have reflected, I then need to think about ways in which I can 00:12:49.115 --> 00:12:51.395 apply it that are meaningful to me. 00:12:51.635 --> 00:12:55.745 To practice something that doesn't feel useful, or you have an 00:12:55.745 --> 00:12:59.255 understanding of how to deploy it, can make it more challenging. 00:12:59.464 --> 00:13:04.265 And then finally, we actually have to do the practice in a low stakes manner. 00:13:04.505 --> 00:13:08.915 So if I'm trying to practice what, so what, now what, I might at the end of 00:13:08.915 --> 00:13:13.145 each Think Fast Talk Smart episode think to myself, what was that episode about? 00:13:13.380 --> 00:13:16.380 Why is it important and how can I use that information? 00:13:16.560 --> 00:13:19.650 But it's not just enough to reflect, to understand how to 00:13:19.650 --> 00:13:21.360 deploy it, and then to practice. 00:13:21.630 --> 00:13:24.930 You actually have to do another round of reflection at the end. 00:13:25.229 --> 00:13:25.979 What worked? 00:13:26.310 --> 00:13:27.209 What didn't work? 00:13:27.449 --> 00:13:28.380 What was hard? 00:13:28.690 --> 00:13:29.560 What was easy? 00:13:29.800 --> 00:13:32.530 You know there's that definition, Maurice, of insanity that says, 00:13:32.530 --> 00:13:36.250 doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. 00:13:36.400 --> 00:13:40.600 That's how many of us go into learning new skills, especially around communication. 00:13:40.870 --> 00:13:42.790 We just do it and then we move on. 00:13:42.790 --> 00:13:44.650 We don't take the time to reflect. 00:13:45.070 --> 00:13:49.360 Now, this process takes time and effort, but if you do, you can truly 00:13:49.360 --> 00:13:51.490 internalize it and it can really help you. 00:13:51.490 --> 00:13:56.350 So again, to summarize, you start by reflecting what really is the 00:13:56.350 --> 00:13:58.060 communication skill I'm working on. 00:13:58.330 --> 00:14:00.070 Maybe it's just body posture. 00:14:00.070 --> 00:14:03.670 It's, I wanna make sure that I look big and balanced, so I pull my shoulder 00:14:03.670 --> 00:14:07.090 blades down, and then we have to think about where and when and the 00:14:07.090 --> 00:14:11.170 value it brings, how we can deploy it, and then we reflect after the fact. 00:14:11.490 --> 00:14:15.810 By going through these activities, both mental and physical, you will be 00:14:15.810 --> 00:14:20.070 able to take on these new communication skills and make them part of your 00:14:20.070 --> 00:14:23.910 toolkit, part of your regular practice so you don't have to think about it. 00:14:24.240 --> 00:14:27.600 I really appreciate both Guillermo and Maurice's questions. 00:14:27.870 --> 00:14:31.830 I appreciate them being premium members and I so appreciate that 00:14:31.830 --> 00:14:33.510 they derive value from our show. 00:14:33.890 --> 00:14:36.260 Now it's time to hear from all of you. 00:14:36.469 --> 00:14:39.140 I'd love to hear from those of you who have questions. 00:14:39.319 --> 00:14:42.140 If you type in your questions, we have a team of people behind the 00:14:42.140 --> 00:14:43.489 scenes who are queuing them up. 00:14:43.790 --> 00:14:46.910 I can't promise that I'll get to every question, but I certainly 00:14:46.910 --> 00:14:48.300 want to get to as many as I can. 00:14:48.905 --> 00:14:53.285 I see we have a question about how to intentionally slow down. 00:14:53.285 --> 00:14:54.455 This is from Shelby. 00:14:54.695 --> 00:14:57.905 How do I intentionally slow down a conversation? 00:14:58.175 --> 00:15:01.685 Maybe it's an emotional conversation where it feels like we're ignoring the other 00:15:01.685 --> 00:15:03.695 person if we don't speak back immediately. 00:15:04.215 --> 00:15:05.085 Thank you, Shelby. 00:15:05.205 --> 00:15:10.155 The pace of conversations can feel really demanding, but in fact, 00:15:10.365 --> 00:15:12.615 we have control over the pace. 00:15:13.035 --> 00:15:16.515 I can imagine an emotional conversation that we're having where somebody is 00:15:16.515 --> 00:15:20.625 sharing information, maybe they're even upset with me or the situation 00:15:20.625 --> 00:15:21.705 and they're speaking quickly. 00:15:22.215 --> 00:15:25.005 It is very easy to get caught up in that and feel like we 00:15:25.005 --> 00:15:26.295 have to respond right away. 00:15:26.565 --> 00:15:30.855 Instead, we might benefit, and I think we can all think of situations where 00:15:30.855 --> 00:15:34.725 it would've been better had we slowed down just a little bit, where taking a 00:15:34.725 --> 00:15:37.215 little pause to slow down would help. 00:15:37.425 --> 00:15:38.595 And there are a few ways to do this. 00:15:38.595 --> 00:15:40.275 One is just giving yourself permission. 00:15:40.275 --> 00:15:42.735 Again, it goes back to that idea of grace. 00:15:42.735 --> 00:15:47.745 We have to give ourselves a little bit of grace to be present in that circumstance. 00:15:47.745 --> 00:15:51.975 Maybe we are emotional, maybe we're confused or concerned, and that can 00:15:51.975 --> 00:15:53.715 cause a lot of jumbled thoughts. 00:15:53.715 --> 00:15:55.815 So to take time to slow down can help. 00:15:55.945 --> 00:15:56.875 Several ways to do it. 00:15:57.055 --> 00:15:58.465 One, ask for it. 00:15:58.885 --> 00:16:02.335 Simply say, gimme a moment to process that, or, let me think about that. 00:16:03.045 --> 00:16:04.065 It's okay to do it. 00:16:04.065 --> 00:16:08.685 In fact, in many cases people see that as your attempt to really 00:16:08.685 --> 00:16:12.735 connect and provide a response that's appropriate, accurate, and useful. 00:16:12.945 --> 00:16:16.545 Another way is to ask some clarifying questions. 00:16:16.545 --> 00:16:20.055 You can clarify when somebody says something, you can ask a question, 00:16:20.055 --> 00:16:23.505 and that question buys you a little bit of time to think about your 00:16:23.505 --> 00:16:27.640 answers, and it might help specify what it is that you need to say. 00:16:28.305 --> 00:16:32.205 And finally, we talked about paraphrasing when I was giving my brief talk. 00:16:32.295 --> 00:16:36.105 Paraphrasing is a great way to buy yourself time because as you're 00:16:36.105 --> 00:16:40.455 paraphrasing, you can actually be thinking about how you want to respond. 00:16:40.725 --> 00:16:42.765 Slowing things down for yourself. 00:16:43.125 --> 00:16:47.145 Paraphrasing is what we call a lower order cognitive skill. 00:16:47.145 --> 00:16:52.405 That's just a fancy academic way for saying that we can actually think and 00:16:52.405 --> 00:16:54.089 do the paraphrase at the same time. 00:16:54.510 --> 00:16:58.260 So there are ways that you can slow down a conversation to 00:16:58.260 --> 00:17:00.569 help you respond appropriately. 00:17:00.869 --> 00:17:05.159 Now, there are times where it's not about you slowing down, it's about 00:17:05.159 --> 00:17:07.109 getting the other person to slow down. 00:17:07.109 --> 00:17:09.450 They're getting wound up because they're excited, they're nervous, 00:17:09.450 --> 00:17:13.980 they're emotional by taking a step back and acknowledging what's happening. 00:17:13.980 --> 00:17:18.040 So simply saying, I hear you have a lot of passion here, or it 00:17:18.040 --> 00:17:22.120 sounds like this issue has lots of different components and facets. 00:17:22.390 --> 00:17:26.020 By taking the time to just call out what's happening in the 00:17:26.020 --> 00:17:28.450 moment can often slow people down. 00:17:28.630 --> 00:17:32.440 People can get wound up and keep going, and by taking a step back and 00:17:32.440 --> 00:17:36.340 saying, wow, there's a lot of emotion going on, or this topic is really 00:17:36.340 --> 00:17:38.560 complex that can slow others down. 00:17:38.560 --> 00:17:42.085 So there are things you can do to slow yourself down and to slow the other 00:17:42.085 --> 00:17:46.075 person or people down that can help the conversation be more manageable. 00:17:46.285 --> 00:17:48.535 Shelby, thank you for that question and I hope some of what 00:17:48.535 --> 00:17:50.065 I've said there can be helpful. 00:17:50.490 --> 00:17:56.190 John asks the question, what are some good online resources to practice applying our 00:17:56.190 --> 00:17:58.710 communication skills and getting feedback? 00:17:59.130 --> 00:18:03.150 Somebody who teaches communication skills is certainly going to say 00:18:03.150 --> 00:18:08.070 that coursework and classes are absolutely wonderful opportunities. 00:18:08.250 --> 00:18:12.629 Another avenue is through organizations like Toastmasters. 00:18:12.689 --> 00:18:15.149 I am a huge supporter of Toastmasters. 00:18:15.149 --> 00:18:19.590 It is an organization designed to help people practice their skills. 00:18:19.889 --> 00:18:22.110 Toastmasters exists all over the world. 00:18:22.110 --> 00:18:25.290 In fact, I was recently at their international convention, and 00:18:25.290 --> 00:18:28.889 Toastmasters, just like a class, are all about giving you opportunities 00:18:28.889 --> 00:18:33.445 to speak and opportunities to get useful, constructive feedback. 00:18:33.685 --> 00:18:37.165 Now, you don't have to go to that extent where you have to sign up for 00:18:37.165 --> 00:18:38.965 something and show up for something. 00:18:39.054 --> 00:18:41.575 You can also just reflect on your own. 00:18:41.845 --> 00:18:46.915 So for example, you can, at the end of the day, at the end of a meeting, think to 00:18:46.915 --> 00:18:49.465 yourself, what worked, what didn't work? 00:18:49.645 --> 00:18:50.965 That reflection helps. 00:18:51.415 --> 00:18:52.554 And my students will tell you. 00:18:53.195 --> 00:18:57.185 Digitally recording yourself is an amazing way to get the practice 00:18:57.455 --> 00:18:58.865 and to see what's going on. 00:18:58.865 --> 00:19:02.254 We are not the best judges of our communication. 00:19:02.615 --> 00:19:06.455 One of my former co-instructors, Kristin Hansen, likes to talk about the 00:19:06.455 --> 00:19:12.064 perception gap, our perception of our communication versus what others see. 00:19:12.335 --> 00:19:16.740 Recording yourself, while painful, can actually be incredibly helpful. 00:19:17.040 --> 00:19:19.830 I like to joke with my students that digitally recording yourself and 00:19:19.830 --> 00:19:21.930 watching it is like going to the dentist. 00:19:22.200 --> 00:19:24.690 Many of us don't enjoy going to the dentist, but we 00:19:24.690 --> 00:19:26.520 sure are glad that we went. 00:19:26.910 --> 00:19:29.910 When you digitally record yourself, I encourage you to watch and 00:19:29.910 --> 00:19:31.860 listen in a particular way. 00:19:32.100 --> 00:19:35.910 After you've recorded yourself listen, only, don't watch, just listen. 00:19:36.250 --> 00:19:38.830 So if you did it on your phone, turn it around and just 00:19:38.830 --> 00:19:39.940 listen to what you sound like. 00:19:40.420 --> 00:19:44.830 And then second, watch without listening, turn the volume down and 00:19:44.830 --> 00:19:47.200 then finally watch and listen together. 00:19:47.440 --> 00:19:51.520 You will see so many different things in each mode that you pay attention. 00:19:51.850 --> 00:19:54.550 So John, there's lots you can do to build your skills. 00:19:54.670 --> 00:19:58.990 You can rely on organizations like Toastmasters or educational opportunities. 00:19:59.290 --> 00:20:02.409 You can digitally record yourself, you can do personal reflection. 00:20:02.590 --> 00:20:06.795 Whatever you do, keep learning and working on your communication skills. 00:20:06.855 --> 00:20:11.925 It is foundational to success in our personal and our professional lives. 00:20:12.465 --> 00:20:13.875 Thank you for those questions. 00:20:13.875 --> 00:20:18.315 A special thanks to our premium members, Guillermo and Maurice, and the other 00:20:18.315 --> 00:20:19.965 premium members who ask questions. 00:20:20.265 --> 00:20:24.610 I'd like to share some specifics about things we have upcoming. 00:20:24.610 --> 00:20:29.410 I am thrilled about some really exciting opportunities we are bringing to 00:20:29.410 --> 00:20:31.360 the Think Fast Talk Smart community. 00:20:31.690 --> 00:20:36.340 Available today, in addition to our normal premium offering, we have 00:20:36.340 --> 00:20:38.500 brought the podcast to Apple Premium. 00:20:38.500 --> 00:20:40.840 Many of you listen to our podcast on Apple. 00:20:41.050 --> 00:20:44.650 You can now do so in a premium fashion if you so choose. 00:20:44.860 --> 00:20:49.479 We are bringing an AI coach where you will be able to interact with 00:20:49.479 --> 00:20:54.550 me directly through spoken word and get feedback on your communication. 00:20:54.850 --> 00:20:59.350 And finally, we are building out a learning hub, a community hub where 00:20:59.350 --> 00:21:04.870 you can join not only to get actual coursework from me but to meet other 00:21:04.870 --> 00:21:08.919 like-minded, Think Fast Talk Smart listeners and coordinate and collaborate. 00:21:08.919 --> 00:21:11.980 We'll be bringing book clubs and you'll even have the chance to 00:21:11.980 --> 00:21:15.969 get feedback from me on specific communication situations that you have. 00:21:16.270 --> 00:21:20.110 So while Apple Premium is available today, the AI coach and the learning 00:21:20.110 --> 00:21:24.010 hub are coming very soon, and I end not only by saying thank 00:21:24.010 --> 00:21:26.439 you, but I have a favor to ask. 00:21:26.735 --> 00:21:30.545 I would love for each of you to take just a moment to give us a five star 00:21:30.545 --> 00:21:36.245 rating on whatever tool you use to listen to us, be it Spotify, Apple, Amazon, 00:21:36.245 --> 00:21:38.585 whatever, and writing a positive review. 00:21:38.585 --> 00:21:42.455 This actually helps extend the reach of the podcast and our whole 00:21:42.455 --> 00:21:46.085 goal is to help people around the world improve their communication. 00:21:46.355 --> 00:21:49.115 So give us a five star rating, give us a positive review. 00:21:49.115 --> 00:21:53.135 It's a great way of showing your gratitude for Think Fast Talk Smart. 00:21:53.460 --> 00:21:57.570 And then please share the show with your friends, your family, your colleagues. 00:21:57.840 --> 00:22:00.030 That's how we've grown over all these years. 00:22:00.390 --> 00:22:03.330 So with that, I will simply say thank you for joining us. 00:22:03.330 --> 00:22:05.640 We will do another AMA in the future. 00:22:05.910 --> 00:22:08.190 It is a true pleasure to do this work. 00:22:08.370 --> 00:22:10.620 Thank you and all the best. 00:22:12.600 --> 00:22:18.090 Thank you for listening to this special AMA, Ask Matt Anything episode of 00:22:18.090 --> 00:22:20.389 Think Fast Talk Smart, the podcast. 00:22:20.659 --> 00:22:24.800 To hear more answers to your questions, check out episode 17. 00:22:25.220 --> 00:22:29.870 For more on listening, tune in to episode 114 with Julian Treasure. 00:22:30.290 --> 00:22:33.770 This episode was produced by Katherine Reed, Shelby Merryweather, 00:22:33.820 --> 00:22:36.939 Ryan Campos, and me, Matt Abrahams. 00:22:37.149 --> 00:22:39.040 Our music is from Floyd Wonder. 00:22:39.100 --> 00:22:41.620 With special thanks to Podium Podcast Company. 00:22:41.889 --> 00:22:45.280 Please find us on YouTube and wherever you get your podcasts. 00:22:45.460 --> 00:22:47.649 Be sure to subscribe and rate us. 00:22:47.710 --> 00:22:51.189 Also follow us on LinkedIn, TikTok, and Instagram. 00:22:51.490 --> 00:22:55.545 And check out fastersmarter.io for deep dive videos, English language 00:22:55.545 --> 00:22:57.795 learning content, and our newsletter. 00:22:58.185 --> 00:23:02.715 Please consider our 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