well
hello all you beautiful people
you know what time it is
[Music]
ladies and gents
guys and dolls and everyone in between
gather round
get you something real nice to sip on
and comfy to slip on
because it's time
for smut club
here's your hosts chelsea and hannah
[Applause]
hey y'all hi everyone welcome to smug
club i'm hannah i'm chelsea how you
doing today
you know great wonderful how are you
you know i think i've been asking our
listeners
i just decided that you met me i meant
everyone oh i guess it was the
colloquial we
how we doing today how y'all doing how
y'all doing
how's everyone doing today um um
not necessarily related to this i saw a
tick tock earlier this week where
someone was like can a white girl with a
nose ring tell me what planets are
making me sad right now and it cuts to a
girl and she's like
earth
earth is what's making you sad right now
oh and as a white girl with a nose ring
with multiple nose rings i was like [ __ ]
man yeah here we are
so
let's just jump right in today we uh
what do we got we have three simple
rules by nikki sloane okay um it's the
first nikki sloane book i had read i've
read several sins i'd say it's
probably my favorite that i had read of
hers um
there is plot
what a refreshing change
[Laughter]
yeah so there is plot um there's also a
lot of not plot so
there are parts of my outline that i was
like dying laughing i was like listen
it's a chapter and a half
of sex
like like it's 28 straight pages of
descriptive language
[Laughter]
so we are still meeting expectations for
our audience
yes it's it definitely qualifies as smut
um
we aren't here for the great
storytelling
although some books we've read have
great storytelling you know and jerry's
out we'll go through this one see how we
feel ultimately
about the level of storytelling
we open with evelyn
evelyn evelyn
um goes by evie
really only her best friend can call her
eevee no one out like everyone else
calls her evelyn
so like depending on how close you are
to her
you can call her evie okay i don't know
maybe i feel the same with like chelsea
and when people call me chelse like
there are people that i'm like i don't
know you
maybe don't call me charles sure right
sure that probably happens less with
hannah yeah nobody calls me han
no no one's ever like hey han han no i
hated that
and your face was immediate regret
oh man
no no one has ever said hey han han well
my other thought was it's still it's
still two syllables it is yeah so it's
not shortened it's not helping anyone um
i i knew a guy in grad school named
sammer
and he once met someone and he was like
yeah what's up man my name's sammer and
the dude was like oh short for sam
and he was like i didn't know how to
respond to that
that's magnificent short for sam no
there really aren't any good nicknames
for hannah
that are short it's all hannah banana or
hannah montana or
whatever
so we went to our niece's um like
disney spectacular chorus performance it
was like an hour and a half of middle
school
chorus performances i'm sorry that
happened to you
some of them you were like yes slay you
are killing this and there are others
that you're like there are just 50 of
you on stage not knowing what the hell
anyone is up to right now stay in school
kiddos but it was funny because when i
think disney's spectacular i think all
of the classics right um
and like they had like a hannah montana
number and like
camp rock i think i don't know i'm not i
don't know the
the disney of the youths
we're not hip to the jive of what the
kids are doing with disney nowadays no i
was like oh they have songs
i guess we're listening to them
but yeah the the little girl who had the
hannah montana
solo did like so great and it was really
endearing and then there was like a
lyrical dancer behind her that looked
like she was doing an audition first so
you think you can dance and i was like
you are
this is very impressive for middle
school um not all of it was
something i could say that about
so fair enough so back to three simple
rules evelyn we have evelyn evie two
were friends
not hannah montana
um she's out with her best friend peyton
who is self-described maybe not
self-described i don't know this book
y'all um as a hooker with a heart of
gold
good for her yeah
so they're out to eat and
um peyton is a hooker with a heart of
gold and evelyn is very much like she's
like this
exotic escort and i'm
mousy brown and like
i'm pale in comparison next or like just
in that like way that i feel like every
girl describes herself at the start of a
smart book yeah my girl has some
confidence like i'm too curvier i'm too
skinny or i'm too pale or my hair is too
curly or whatever it's always like my
hair is not quite curly and it's not
quite straight
so what is it i have questions also just
hair style it right
they make a mousse for that
they make heating tools like there are
like so many different things you can do
i have several non-heat
no heat curling methods
just dm me or something
i'll send you a youtube i might also dm
you know
i'll send you a youtube perfect all
right so hooker with a heart of gold is
the best friend peyton and then evelyn
is our main girl she's like i'm kind of
nondescript and mousy brown and like
whatever like i just like pale in
comparison next my best friend so she is
a graphic designer at a marketing
company um
and she has this like douchey [ __ ]
boss logan
who had gotten promoted and kind of like
became a tyrant and is like a dick and
makes people cry and everyone hates them
um
so
evelyn gets a project back from print
that she's been working on is like so
excited and then when she sees the final
prints
she's like [ __ ] they got like the legal
warning label wrong on it she's like it
was the placeholder that i had been
using and i didn't check it first and
like [ __ ] now they have to reprint all
of this and it's gonna be like thousands
of thousands and thousands of dollars
so she's like [ __ ] i don't know what to
do so she goes and like has to like tell
logan when she's like super like nervous
and scared about
and then she's like
she really wants to move up in this
company and so she's like trying to take
ownership and she's like okay you know
what i own that i [ __ ] up this project
and i'm going to spend my own money
to
get these things reprinted
because we can't ask the client to
absorb that cost right right and so
logan is like
cool that's gonna be like
roughly 10 grand or like 12 grand or
like something very yes not low number
so then she thinks have her best friend
peyton who's like been offering
her and she's like hey like if you ever
need my like come work with me and so my
favorite line is she's like all right
i'm gonna like save the project
i'm about to become a [ __ ]
that feels like it it escalated real
quick everything in this book escalates
real quick
there's no de-escalation
it's just like oh we're doing this so
she calls her best friend peyton and is
like hey
i'm gonna take you up on it i don't
think like i'm probably not gonna do
this long term but it's like maybe like
a one night only
and so peyton's like yeah baby how much
do you think you're making
it's a very exclusive sex club hannah
okay
very exclusive
for one night of work all right
well so we learned some details about
this club along the way as well um
we learn
as i said it's very exclusive
um i believe there's a membership fee
and the girls are blindfolded
and so it's like you're strapped down on
the table you're blindfolded you don't
know who you're [ __ ]
they come in you have like a sales
assistant who's kind of like handling
the bids
and
so i but i also think like being a one
night only would like
increase your value yeah
you're an exclusive right right
i don't know how much people normally
pay for these things
don't either but i'm pretty sure 10
grand is a bit much
so
i'm inclined to agree but nikki sloan is
not so
that's how we ended up here fair enough
um evie calls peyton and is like hey i i
need in and peyton's like okay so she
takes evie to her guy her
pimp almo i don't what manager manager
yeah
let's go with man manager um for an
audition
and so what is an audition for this
entail you have to give joseph the pimp
manager a [ __ ]
oh
okay
what a job for joseph
what a hardship
i mean if they're bad at it it might be
they use too much teeth i was gonna i
almost said is there any such thing as
like a bad [ __ ] and then i was like
yeah probably too much teeth would do it
um i also in college there was a guy
that there was like a group of us
hanging out and he was talking about how
like one time a girl gave him a [ __ ]
and she like actually thought that just
meant blow on it
um so she was just like blowing air on
his dick
oh
i stand corrected so like
teeth and just some
don't ever do that [ __ ]
don't ever do that [ __ ] again
yeah so joseph the pimp manager gets a
[ __ ]
it was a gentle breeze on my [ __ ]
face
well so unlike joseph i don't think that
elicited the response we were going for
i'm so sorry about the gentle breeze and
now i'm very aware of my breath and like
feeling very insecure about that so so
tell me about joseph
honestly my only line is joseph the pimp
manager job audition
there's not more details but i guess it
went well enough because then i'm like
okay we need to give you a makeover to
get you ready so then joseph's like go
see my girl at the spa and the salon and
like
she gets her hair done and her makeup
done and is like looking good i don't
really know why you need your makeup
done if you're gonna be wearing a
blindfold but that's neither here nor
there
um
so we also around this time learn about
one of her about one of evelyn's best
friends blake who like
they've always kind of like they've had
that like will they want they tension
but it's always been bad timing and he
has a girlfriend
and so she's telling him that she [ __ ]
up at work um and that
she's going to [ __ ] herself out on
saturday to make up for this money um we
also find out that like they hooked up
on new year's eve they like made out he
still had a girlfriend at that time oops
yeah blake is a douche canoe he's going
to be a douche canoe this entire book
we're just going to do that now is this
a reverse harem
no okay okay just setting the stage for
myself
okay
i just wanted to set my expectations
accordingly did yeah has my description
thus far not given you great
expectations of what to look forward to
i don't i don't know what my
expectations are but now at least i know
not to expect a reverse harem
i know what not to expect
there's a lot that you shouldn't expect
with this one
well keep going well okay so yeah we we
have the friend blake and she tells him
about the plans to [ __ ] herself out on
saturday night also i like really don't
love the word horror or like being like
and she's whoring herself out it was
used in the book which is why i'm using
it
um
i just felt like i needed to give that
as like a little like yeah side note
yeah um
so
everything is going according to plan
peyton and evelyn show up the club on
saturday night um guess who's up outside
of the club
like yep and blake is like
trying to talk her out of it and then
like drops that he's in love with her
he still has a girlfriend and so
he's like i love you don't do this if
you do this it'll ruin us
i'm like what us bro you have a
girlfriend you asshat there is no us
babe yeah
like
i don't know like also are you gonna
give me 10 grand right now like mind
your business
that is the other side of it right and
she's like i'm not doing this because
i've just always wanted to try it
there's a financial means to an end here
um
so at the club they meet up with joseph
and evelyn gives him the signed contract
and in the contract it has all like the
check boxes of like what she like will
and won't do and what she's okay with on
like the very exhaustive list she's
checked like
two things that she's okay with and then
she's like wait give it back and she
checks like one more
we don't really know what was checked
she's just she's like saying things what
is she checking i mean we kind of we
learn a little well actually we learned
two out of the three i'm
we might have learned the third honestly
i skimmed parts of this
that's fair
yeah as like as i had said before some
of these sex scenes are like
real long
in a way where i'm like we get it
like what what was the
the 69 bottles book that happened yeah
they're like this has more plot than
that but there's definitely moments
where i'm like
okay we get it let's move on
um yeah so evelyn checks a few more
boxes of things that she's willing to do
and then they get her all ready in a
little robe and then she meets tara the
sales assistant who's gonna be there and
tara's like i forget exactly what it was
but it was like if i mention sports that
means he's like
attractive
and if i like talk about traffic it
means i think we can get more money or
it's like things like that that she's
just kind of prepping her for um
and then
tara gets her in the room all settled on
like they're like
it's not a bed in the room it's like a
they almost describe it as like a
surgical table that had like a leather
top on it okay
and drawers underneath that were filled
with like sex toys yeah or like condoms
and like all of so
it sounded like a
kind of sterile but cozy environment
intimate environment those are mutually
exclusive i feel like
i feel like sterile and cozy are
mutually exclusive
well i'm like you could
just like a doctor's bed with a leather
top
sounds not cozy but then i'm like i
guess with like the lighting is dimmed
maybe it feels different i mean i guess
if there's stuff on the walls and like
you know i guess it could be made to
feel more
plush than yeah yeah an example
i think i got caught up on the wrong
details
i think you might be right
[Laughter]
so they get her on the table and
blindfolded and it's like velcro straps
holding her down
and like one guy comes in
and
they're like they think they can get
some more money out of him then he's
really just kind of kind of window
shopping and wants to like see all of
the girls who are available that night
and then it's like a long time before
someone comes in
and evelyn's like does it normally take
this long and terry's like no but a
non-member has requested to put a hold
on you
and evelyn's like is that a thing that
happens and tara's like not really
that's why it's taking a long time
because we don't really know what's
happening here so is it blake or logan
i'm not gonna tell you yet hannah fine
fine fine we're blindfolded we're
blindfolded um
dude comes in tara is like he is very
attractive like just super sporty yeah
like says whatever the initial thing is
and then it's kind of like
yeah that's just what i say to let her
know someone is very good looking just
like owns it in the room and then it's
like would you like a taste
and they're like scoot down on the table
and so
he
licks her and then he's like i'd rat no
no no that's not what happened
tara's like would you like a taste
swoops her own finger
in
to evelyn's bits gets some juices
and then like lets him lick them and
then the dude is like i'd rather drink
straight from the tap which is a line
that i [ __ ] hated
the look on your face says you feel the
same way
i'm not a fan of that whole exchange if
i'm honest well and something she's like
okay you can like drink from the tap and
so then like during these negotiations
like they start
they're like 20 grand and he's like i
was thinking nine they're like 15 grand
he's like 10. like how about 12 grand
and at this point evelyn is enjoying
herself so much while blindfolded that
she's like 12 grand sounds great that's
as much as i needed to cover all my
debts let's do this [ __ ] and tara's like
we could get more money and she's like
i'm in the throes of passion he wanted
to drink from the tap
let's stop saying that it's not
necessary anymore please
oh
oh god
if that's the line that does it for you
like that's that's the limit
of all of the [ __ ] we've said on this
podcast so far that's where you're like
chelsea i draw a hard boundary here
i don't know
something about it feels very wrong
so
she's blindfolded she doesn't know who
it is they give her a great orgasm and
then
then the person who gave her the great
orgasm is like i have some rules i have
three rules
um
no asking questions rule number one rule
number two is
you answer all of my questions honestly
and rule number three is you don't come
without my permission
i hate all of those rules carry on which
rule do you hate the most
um
well it's the combo of one and two i can
ask questions but you can't
i don't like that
that's fair i don't like that
is it does it change in this situation
because i don't like those rules as a
whole but no i don't think it would
matter the situation i would be like
um no i'm not going to answer anything
if you're going to be like that but
that's probably just because i'm an
obstinate person
what you i know i most people consider
me to be very agreeable but honestly
they're wrong
well evelyn's just having such a great
time that she's like i she eagerly
accepts all these rules she's like yes
yes yes i agree to all these rules and
at least
three times in the book twice in this
scene he says do you like having my big
[ __ ] in your [ __ ]
okay
and she's like yes okay she has to
answer all the questions honestly
exactly you can't lie about that you
agreed to the three there's only three
rules three simple rules
what was that what that sitcom a long
time ago for dating my god for dating my
teenage daughter was it three simple
rules eight eight eight simple rules it
was eight simple rules i think that's
where kaylee cowoco got hers yeah
and um john what's his name
never mind it doesn't matter it's not
relevant at all my husband will add it
to the show notes it's fine
um so he's like yeah do you like having
my big [ __ ] in your [ __ ] and he i'm
like bro we get it you're well endowed
but also in my head i'm like does he
doth protest too much like you keep
saying it
okay who are you trying to convince babe
right like everyone in the book is like
his [ __ ] is so big i'm like
we get it like i think that's a lot of
this book i'm like
we get it
and so when she says yes i am enjoying
your
your big [ __ ] and my [ __ ] he's like
then i think it's time to lose the
blindfold
so he whips off the blindfold now is
your moment hannah
it's logan oh my stars i kind of figured
yeah well i we would have thought maybe
like blake
would have done something differently if
like you know what i mean like yeah
because he he
tried to shoot a shot out in the parking
lot and it didn't work so i don't
imagine that you're suddenly like well
i have 10 grand burning a hole in my
pocket
let's see how this goes
so
logan takes off the blindfold and then
she's like oh my gosh what but like he's
already inside her and still just like
pounding away
um
and then she comes
but hannah
she did so without permission
you guessed it she broke rule number
three so soon he just explained that
we literally just talked about this evie
get your [ __ ] together
yeah so
she comes and then he's like i didn't
approve that so then he turns her over
and spanks her
um but like tara has to help with like
redoing the wrist straps because she was
on the bed um
on the medical on the leather medical
table
not the bed awkward um
i wonder how much money tara makes
like i want to know
how much do you have to get paid for
that yeah like what's your cut of it
yeah is it like being a a busser or a
bartender where you get a cut of the
server's tips at the end of the night
like you get a percentage of their sales
because i feel like you should because
she sold hard
did she because she was like evelyn you
can make way more money but that's what
i'm saying she was selling hard evie's
the one that backed out
or back down i guess she didn't back out
yeah well and i like honestly don't
remember i think like evelyn like needed
10 grand so with the cut that like the
club would take like
she needed to make 12 grand
for however much she'd actually be able
to take home i don't remember the
numbers it was nine grand who the [ __ ]
cares
um
so she gets spanked which was on the
approved list that is something that we
learned was on the approved list got it
somewhere in the scene honestly i don't
quite remember where
um logan like is like about to like go
for her ass and she's like oh i don't
think i'm ready for that and then he's
like you did mark that you were okay
with anal on the list and she's like but
i don't think i am and he's like okay
that's fine never mind then
honestly
for the amount of money you're paying i
would feel gypped
like
be pretty agitated i probably would have
cut two grand off the top if i had known
that your ass was off limits right like
here's the thing because
it was already agreed upon in the
pricing you're changing the rules post
pricing
ah cool man and not at that price point
i mean maybe probably not at any price
point but like that's a decent amount of
money maybe for logan he doesn't care
maybe he has so much money that it's
like whatever
we learn that he doesn't but we'll get
to that oh dear yeah so he spanks evie
and then
they are still going at it and then all
of a sudden like she hears him like say
like oh like you're being a bad girl or
something like that and then she looks
in the corner tara is still there
through all of them
tara's masturbating in the corner over
how hot it is with everything they're
doing
and so then he's like do you want to
come join us and she's like looks at
evie and she's like can i come join you
um and she's like sure i don't know i've
never done this before but like
my body's not telling me no so sure
let's try it and so
she comes and joins him on the table but
then it's like hey logan man like if
like tara's like if you touch me
it's a lot of money only she can touch
me
so then
while
evie is bent over the table and logan is
railing her from behind tara removes her
panties sits on the table scoots down
and then logan
coaches evie
through
eating out tara
okay
who like apparently it's like a really
great experience for everyone
everyone gets an intense orgasm well
that's good and then logan is like i
would have paid 20 for you and takes off
and like emmy's like wait wait like we
need to talk about this you're my boss
and
like tries to follow him and tara's like
once they go to the payment room you
can't follow them so like come with me
we'll get you cleaned up and we'll get
you your money and you can be on your
way
awkward yeah
a lot of it is
[Laughter]
i'm gathering that yeah
so evie leaves the club both blake and
logan are outside at this point
and
she's like blake realizes that like
logan was probably the dude evie was
just with he doesn't necessarily realize
it's her boss but like evie like has to
kind of get between them and
mediate and then payton is out there as
well with evie and like blake just like
starts insulting peyton and he's like
[ __ ] you [ __ ] i'm like nope
blake
you are such an [ __ ]
nobody likes you no one likes you
maybe your girlfriend
although probably not even her at this
point if she knew half the [ __ ] he was
doing
right yeah i just
he's like an ongoing character that's
like a bug bite where i'm just like oh
you just
we're still there
that's annoying yeah that's how i felt
the entire time um
evie ends up leaving with logan and
they're like we should talk and so he's
like i'll come with me so they go back
to his place
and on the drive
he was like yeah well i wanted to ask
you out like before i got promoted but i
thought you had a boyfriend because she
had a framed picture of her and blake on
the desk and she's like no like blake
isn't my boyfriend he's never been my
boyfriend he's just a good friend he's
dating someone
and she's like no one at work would care
if we dated and logan's like well they
would if i promoted you
and you're like oh okay so we kind of
see what happened
they get back to logan's place my notes
literally say they [ __ ] all night she
sleeps over
well that's nice
i mean i figured that was maybe better
than like just giving you the 30 pages
worth of detail
of their sexual escapades yeah i don't
feel like i need more i feel like the
description that we had of the first
round was enough for me to understand
what we're dealing with
yeah and this time tara is not in the
room
tara did not go home with him what a
refreshing change
so evie sleeps over and then in the
morning
logan's mom is at his place nope and was
like cleaning and then it's like oh you
must be the girlfriend he like hadn't
told me about or like that he hadn't let
me meet yet
and
and evie's standing there and like she's
like what
is happening oh my gosh like
i don't know what to say and then logan
comes out from like the bedroom behind
her and he's like yes this is the this
is her the girlfriend that i hadn't let
you meet yet and then he's even more
like what the hell is going on i am not
your girlfriend nope nope um
and so when he's like yes this is her
then his mom goes nice to meet you
evelyn and she's like she knows my name
holy [ __ ] okay so logan wasn't just like
sort of into her like i want to take her
for coffee this is like creepy
level we do get more context we just
don't quite have it yet but it is one of
those things that i'm like
the awkwardness
i can't imagine it's like an ick factor
like the first time you sleep with a man
at his place and the next morning his
mom happens to be there and knows your
name
well let's take it back even further the
first time you ever have sex with this
man he paid 12 grand for it and there
was another chick there
and then the next morning
you meet his mother and she knows your
name that's too much
that's too much i wholeheartedly agree
but i think even if he hadn't paid 12
grand it would still be
too much it would it's just another
level i feel like of just way too much
yes i'm like
poor evie yeah
i don't
i don't know what i would do in that
situation
i would probably do what she does which
is freak out and be like gotta go have a
great day
and then his mom is like oh don't forget
this it has your name on it and it's her
envelope of cash
oh god
just like thanks so much and like
bolts and takes off
no what a story for the grandchildren
cool
grandma how'd you meet grandpa
well one time she [ __ ] up at work
and needed to make 10 grand real fast
so i paid to [ __ ] her
and we lived happily ever after and
that's the book
so kinda
yeah evelyn freaks out she goes home um
blake shows up at her place and is like
i'm so sorry like tries to mend fences
and he's like
says i love you again
and then evelyn's like
cool did you tell your girlfriend about
all of this and he's like
no
my notes literally just say what a
douche canoe
accurate and then logan doesn't have her
phone number because they haven't been
closed at work before so then he like
emails her from work and he's like i
need your cell phone number the one that
listed in your like personnel file isn't
right
she doesn't respond and then he like
sends her her address that he got from
the personnel file and he's like i'll be
over in 20 and she's like don't i'll see
you tomorrow like we're not doing this
and she completely blows them off
they get to work the next morning she's
always a little late to work and when
she gets there he's like sitting in her
cubicle waiting for her
and see my previous comment about creepy
stalker awkwardness
i mean i guess not can they work
together so it's not like he showed up
in her office also it was bone long
pre-pandemic so like i think people just
like saw each other in offices more like
working fully remote that would be
unsettling yeah
he and
logan ends up giving her this like big
project that like she's like a junior
designer
and she's been like angling to like get
senior designer but isn't there yet but
like normally you need to have a senior
designer working with you mm-hmm and she
doesn't and he like gives her this
project that's
a big project for her level
so then she's like excited about it
because once again she's been angling
for a promotion
and so then logan emails her and is like
hey i need your help with this logo as
well and since you were late you can
stay late
she's like okay well that makes complete
sense so i guess i'm gonna stay late
like girl
that's not how that works it's not not
at all
she goes into his office
tosses the envelope of cash at him and
it's like here's the money like this is
weird i'm i'm out and he's like okay
please stay we need to talk about this
and she's like why would i and he's like
well because now we're like if you stay
the the three rules are in place and
she's like why would i care if the three
rules are in place and he's like because
now they apply to me
so now i can't ask questions and i have
to answer all of yours and i can't come
without your permission i guess i think
it was more for the first two in this
situation
so they end up talking and he explains
his mom's comments his brother is
getting married in a week or two
and he needed a date for the wedding and
he had always been interested in evelyn
so like he just kind of threw her name
out there but was kind of just like
planning on telling his mom like
yeah she broke up like with me and so
that's why she's not here
and then he's like it just kind of
happened that you were the name i gave
because i'd always kind of had a crush
on you and then right and i see you all
the time so yes and then
he's like
what was my luck that my mom
that it was you and like
it made it a little less creepy okay
yeah we'll go with a little less creepy
but then she's also like where did you
get the money from
and he's like i got it out of my 401k
the look on your face right now
logan
that's not just passing interest or like
a little crush 10 grand out of your 401k
is a big deal
yeah
i was like
really felt like he didn't think through
the ramifications of that maybe got a
little impulsive about
getting laid
but like they describe him as being so
good-looking with such a big [ __ ] and
i'm like was it really that hard to get
laid
like you needed to take money out of
your 401k for it
apparently he did apparently so
then evie's like how did you know i
would be at the club
and like
how did you figure that out and so then
he's like i need you to come to my desk
and
write an email and she's like okay this
is weird so like she goes to his desk
and like starts writing this draft and
he's like you're emailing yourself like
from his email and it was called like
company
computer usage policy or something like
that no
and so
she starts like writing this email that
he is essentially dictating to her
while he's undressing her and fingering
her while she writes this email
and it was essentially like don't use
the company computer to check your
personal email even on breaks
and he had seen when he'd stopped by her
desk to talk to her about the project um
he'd seen the club logo it like pop up
and he'd he just assumed she was
freelancing somewhere as a designer to
make the money so he wanted to know like
where she was freelancing what she was
doing
like violating a non-compete or
something exactly right but instead
realized
how she was going to make the money and
then he was like i mean i didn't want to
talk you out of it i was like kind of
into the idea
and then they bone on his desk
okay yep and then they go out to eat
that's nice for stir-fry
you were so excited about the stir-fry i
could [ __ ] up some stir-fry right now
honestly i could usually [ __ ] up some
stir-fry it sounded like it was like a
mongolian grill sort of place where you
like make your own then take it to the
people and then like they put it all
together for you
are those places still a thing i don't
know i think a lot changed with
covet and all but yeah
i'm i am highly food made motivated and
so the idea of any kind of stir fry is
doing it for me if i'm honest yes but i
also feel like those places were like
really big around like
five yeah that's what i'm like yeah
like i feel like
or at least maybe that's when we got
them where i was growing up and yeah the
time in florida
maybe they're still a thing i'll have to
find out
so they go get stir-fry
adam make your own stir-fry place
and then they're like he's like i am not
really looking for a relationship but i
am interested in continuing to [ __ ] you
because that was really great and she's
like okay well
yeah sounds good but like i
don't
um want you [ __ ] other people
if which i'm like i i think that's a
reasonable
request yeah and so they agree not to
sleep with other people but it's very
like label aversive although all right
hannah what are your thoughts on this
because i do like when people are like
we're not together
but we aren't with anyone else
and we'd have to have a conversation
with each other
if that were to shift and anyone else
were to be able to come into the picture
i'm like
so you're dating
i mean i think
so when i think of of dating or like a a
boyfriend sort of relationship
there's some level of commitment there
and it's not just sex it's like we're
sort of
not necessarily doing our whole lives
together but we're spending time
together that is not sexual
that's a boyfriend girlfriend we're
dating situations so the difference that
i think i hear you saying is the the
difference between commitment and
exclusivity yes is commitment
involves non-sexy time yes
excellent active listening
i didn't go to grad school for therapy
for nothing nailed it it was for this
moment on this podcast i've been
training for years
waiting for my moment goal achieved
no okay i do think that is
that's a decent description
yes so they're like there's no labels we
aren't going to sleep with anyone else
um
but we are going to keep sleeping with
each other and then like the the
promotion thing is like an ongoing
thread throughout this where like
there's a promotion kind of coming up
which is also why it would be important
for it to like kind of all be under
wraps um
and then also in this conversation
evelyn like tells him he's an [ __ ]
boss
and he's like what like i'm not that bad
and she's like you make people cry with
your reviews and he's like wait what and
she's like
yeah like and he's like have i made you
cry and she's like no and he's like well
give me an example
and so she's like
you made that girl cry and he's like did
you see what she turned in
and she's like yeah and so then he's
kind of like well what feedback would
you have given and it was a little bit
more like
helpful and he kind of like realizes
he's an [ __ ] he just proved her point
yes yeah because she was like i would
maybe say it's cliche
and to maybe sit down with a designer
who has a really different style and
point of view is heard like see how like
they would maybe approach it and he's
like oh
maybe that's better than just telling
her it's lazy shitty work
you think
they then go back to her place and they
start making out and as they're making
out blake shows up [ __ ] blake [ __ ]
blake the douche canoe he shows up drunk
off his ass and is like forcing his way
into her place and she's like not the
time like i have company and he's like i
left amy
i told her everything
and i left
amy and she's like okay
still not the time and he's like i don't
have any other place to go because she
kicked me out
and evelyn's like
that is still very unfortunate but also
still like
not really my problem right you should
have planned this better
yes i'm like you you didn't think that
through like you didn't think that maybe
you should have a place to go like also
from how evelyn has been responding to
you lately
take a hit man it's not her place that
you're gonna go
not quite the same i did know a guy
who'd like been on like a european
adventure with his girlfriend and then
decided that they needed to break up and
he broke up with her at the start
of their flight back to the state no
i'm like did you not think this through
my guy clearly he did not because i'm
like cool now you just have to sit next
to the person you just dumped
for at least six hours
after spending a year in europe together
i don't know if it was a year well an
extended period of time in europe
together yeah there was some sort of
european adventure i'm like did she not
catch vibes
during the trip right
i had questions i had no answers but i
did have a lot of questions and honestly
i'm pretty sure that was 10 years ago
and i still have a lot of questions and
no answers the questions remain yes
hey there's my puppies
we'll get you right back to the show in
just a moment
but first do you like us
maybe even
love us
because we sure love you
and if you do love us
don't tease us
tell us in those ratings and reviews
wherever you're listening right now
maybe even send us over to a special
sexy someone that would enjoy getting
smutty with us
because you know the first rule of smug
club
is to talk about smut
club all right
i won't keep you any longer
let's get back to the show
[Music]
anyway back to blake the douche canoe um
logan is still at evelyn's house and is
like
what the [ __ ] this is not chill this is
not okay so then logan is like
she's my girlfriend you can't have her
so we went from dinner over stir fry of
like we're gonna [ __ ] with
no
just exclusivity around [ __ ]
no commitment no commitment
to now
she is my girlfriend
and you know i just thought of too i
think when
when we say like girlfriend or boyfriend
or whatever there's an expectation for
the future
and when you're just [ __ ] somebody
exclusively it's like there this isn't
going anywhere this is just like we're
banging
and when we're done we're done or if i
meet somebody that i see a future with
we're done but like there's no
there's nothing we're not building
anything
that's also a fair point so for him to
be like she's my girlfriend it's like
baby what yeah i'm like we really took a
hard pivot there and then he's like okay
so now that you're my girlfriend will
you go to my brother's wedding with me
i'm like this escalated so much over the
course of the night right and then they
bone again
i'm assuming blake left
yeah at some point it wasn't a terrorist
situation where he was it was a corner
situation will there be another
terror-like situation who can say i can
say there will be
what a build-up
carry on right just
not even really a teaser it's still all
in this episode
um
and then they're like okay well now that
we're official rule three always applies
to both of us so now like neither of us
can come without getting permission from
the other person
you the look on your face you are so not
about it i don't like it when she's like
what if like i haven't seen you in a few
days like when i'm asked basically you
need to call me
before you come no
no i will not
what are you gonna do
how are you gonna know mind your
business right and that's like at one
point she's like
she's talking to peyton and peyton's
like how would he know and she's like he
just would and like no he wouldn't
the how long does your post-orgasmic
glow last my girl
just
realist like how would he know
like i'm not i'm not advocating for
lying in a relationship right
but i'm also like how would he know
exactly
yeah and
um my notes then say i don't really
remember this part i think they don't
see each other much because his family's
in town some phone sex i don't know
that's what your notes say that is
literally verbatim what my notes say
some phone sex i don't know i think she
like had to call him to get permission
to orgasm or something sure
like i mean i guess if it works for you
and your relationship dynamic
yeah it's just not something i would
sign up for
no there was a book that i was reading
recently
oh also nikki sloane now that i think
about it
that is a interesting trilogy that we
will probably review at some point
because it is all kinds of [ __ ] up
um
but like one of the characters
that in i don't know there were i think
there were like five books in that
series the first three were the trilogy
and then there were spin-offs but and
one of them like the girl's always like
you get to choose what i wear to work
every day
and he like loved that power and control
and like that dynamic really worked for
them
so i'm not knocking it if it works no i
mean i guess i'm i that's that is just
not for me and that's okay but
i would be very resentful if i had to
pick up the phone and call somebody to
ask permission you know i would be very
resentful i don't want to be their
couple's therapist when you come in with
that resentment no
awkward gottman the four horsemen
resentment is in there it is you're so
right
[Laughter]
oh
once again i think i'm getting caught up
on the wrong details of this book
it's now the rehearsal dinner
sure
evelyn goes and meets his family and
everyone's like really excited to meet
her
um because he hasn't had a girlfriend in
a while which we will learn more about
in the future and then after
they
go to the rehearsal dinner they end up
going out for drinks with peyton
um he fingers her on the drive there
and then like while they're out at
drinks payton is like could i ever watch
y'all cause like tara back at the club
said it's real hot
i'm like
okay so it's also not like
a secret keeping exclusive club right
we're not super secret
secret secrets are fun for everyone
apparently situation they're fun for
peyton
they're fun for peyton um
my notes then say more sex sure
he comes without permission that bastard
and then says since i couldn't follow
the rules you don't have to follow that
rule for the rest of the weekend
what a free pass
to give
y'all i wish you could see hannah's face
here because she hates
so much of what i'm saying in this
entire review
it's just like
sad
it's just like a grimace almost like a
disappointed grimace
i just took a selfie if you guys need to
see it
we can put a link in the show notes
um then there's shower sex in the
morning
and
he had gotten back from a run because
he's training for a marathon
and then the shower was really hot
she passes out from overheating from
over exertion
in the shower
okay
that's really
like then the scene ends like he's like
oh i'm so sorry and like takes care of
her and goes and gets her like a old
bottle of water
[Music]
[Laughter]
so literally literally nikki sloan did
that as a plot point to be like look
he's not just into spanking he takes
care of her he is into her right
like i said
this book is like a lot of sex with a
little plot between the sex sure
it's not a it's not
wait for it by is it marianne is that
marianna zapata or is it marianne zapata
i should know because i actually really
love all of her books and i've read all
of them it's just been a minute and i
just read that one too
hold please
like her books are all plot and then
there's like normally one sex scene at
like the 95 percent more
right and it's not it's a lot
um it is marianna zapata
highly recommend that one she's like the
slow burn yeah she's the slow burn queen
there's not a lot of smut in that one
but maybe we'll review it anyway no it's
just good
yeah it's
more like a love
slow burn love story of just like real
life things and really endearing people
very much so yeah yes
but yes that is all plot one sex scene
this is the opposite a lot of sex and
like
some plot
maybe 10
15 o'clock
20 plot i don't know
yeah so she overheats from going too
hard at it in the shower
and then
that is the morning of the brother's
wedding nick i think is the brother nick
and hillary
and logan is the best man
and he's like hey you're going to hang
out with my cousin chelsea that you met
last night i'm not going to like leave
you just to sit by yourself which is
also kind and sweet very thoughtful um
that is always the worst like when
you're like someone's wedding date and
they're in the wedding and then you're
like cool cool i don't know anyone here
i just
i'm sitting by myself right
yeah
i don't know i had lots of thoughts and
stories i've been to some weird [ __ ]
weddings over the years
evie's hanging out with chelsea and then
this like super babe blonde girl shows
up and her name's april and then we find
out
that
they're like oh yeah that's logan's ex
and she's like oh like one of his exes
they're like no
the one the one they dated for 12 years
damn they started dating when they were
like 15. ouch
yeah and so then like that's kind of it
and she's like why the [ __ ] didn't
anyone tell me like
i am also like why didn't you give her a
heads up also i don't know i say that
but to his credit when she tells him
later that like april's there he's like
wait what like he didn't know she was
going to be at the wedding i was gonna
say why is she even there
well because she'd known the brother for
12 years but would an [ __ ] move for
the brother to pull to invite her and
not tell him it sounded like her parents
had been invited and she showed up as
like she she came with her mom
she invited herself maybe it's not the
clearest or maybe it was and i skimmed
those are the options fair
um the wedding continues evie tells
logan that his ex is there and like he
truly didn't know
but after the wedding they do have like
a good conversation about their exes and
he gives her some context and he's like
we were just like we started dating
really young and we were different
people and wanted different goals and i
wanted this job that was in the city and
she told me not to take it and i did
and it was an hour commute each way and
she gave me an ultimatum that like i
needed to propose or was like her the
job
i chose the job and so
but also i guess like
27 if you started dating when you were
15 and you dated for 12 years yeah i'm
not great at math but that's how math
works right it's 27.
i'm not really the one to confirm but
that feels right so carry on two plus
five is seven seven
nailed that [ __ ] that's why we're
therapists
yeah and then like she gives some
context about blake that like the timing
had never been right that they had
hooked up at new year's and logan was
like well he said that you told him you
like loved him at new year's and she was
like
i did i was also drunk and lonely and
like yeah
like don't give him too much weight or
too much credit
um logan my notes then say logan asks
her to masturbate in front of him he
goes down on her
they make love for the first time
instead of [ __ ]
important distinction in smut
in the morning
they have more sex
[Laughter]
he tells her to be quiet this time
in case i ever want to do something like
this in a public place
i need to know you can stay quiet
while i finger blast you i guess
my words not his
name yeah so then like she successfully
orgasms quietly that is what my actual
note says and then they're like oh like
they're still in the moment and then she
just kind of blurts out i want you to
[ __ ] me in the ass
and he's like wait what like
like now
like like
like right now yeah and then she's like
uh
i don't well and as as we said earlier
it had been on her approved list at the
exclusive club but his dick is huge so
maybe she took his huge some second
thoughts about it well and she didn't
give him the discount when she told him
he couldn't
so he's like all right we'll do this in
the future i need to get a few supplies
sure so that way it'll help you enjoy
your first time thoughtful oh so she's
never done it she's never done anything
why would you check it that is not the
time to feel adventurous also
just think we're being adventurous
enough well and i also had this thought
what if it hadn't been logan
yes and the blindfold hadn't come off
yes
and you check boxed that [ __ ] and what
if he didn't ask first or say it first
and just went for it
yes
there's a lot of problems here so this
could go wrong in a lot of ways honey
so many ways
he tells her he needs to get the
supplies
okay um and then
drops her back off at her place after
the wedding and then she
decides she's like i need to make amends
with blake like i'm never going to be
with him i just care about him a lot
i need to clear the air so she calls
blake to make amends and then he's like
amy took me back
i'm gonna propose
actually i think he he had proposed but
then later i think i don't know it got a
little confusing
amy took him back
and they're getting married yeah but i'm
like girl
want more for yourself i want more for
amy and she doesn't have a single line
in this book
i want more for
evelyn with who she chooses as her
friends this is not a person i would
want to be friends with
i agree
but all right some like question some
context did you ever have that person in
your life that you're like okay like if
we're both not married by this age
because it sounds like it's like kind of
that friendship like they've been like
dancing around it for years they've
never been together
and so while i think blake is a huge
douche canoe
i guess there is some context that like
he really just started showing out at
the beginning of this book so if you're
like 10 years into a friendship
like if you're 10 years into a
friendship and then you tell your friend
i'm gonna go [ __ ] a stranger at an
exclusive club so i can pay off this
debt and then he's like please don't do
that i love you that like not just
saying not excusing a lot of his
behavior not excusing him calling peyton
a [ __ ] and trying her to [ __ ] off like
none of that is appropriate a lot of
things he did are not appropriate
does it change if you have that much
history with them
maybe maybe if if their behavior is
completely out of context and like i
could see it being like you know maybe
they're going through something right
now and they need me as a friend but
just based on his behavior in this book
i would be like you are not the kind of
person that i want to associate with at
all yeah no i agree just based on the
way he spoke to peyton like you can
leave out the other [ __ ] but just the
way that he spoke to her i don't even
know peyton obviously and i did not read
the book but i feel very protective of
her and he needs to mind his business
i'm pretty sure this second book is
about peyton
maybe i'll read that one i bought it
earlier i will report back i have not
read it
okay
um
so yeah they make they have this phone
call they make amends
and then evelyn goes over to logan's
place that night
they they have dinner and he has the
supplies for anal
like a boy scout always prepared well
apparently he wasn't and that's why he
had to drop her off earlier
they do a few shots for
emotional lubricant
bravery
liquid courage that's
i couldn't think of the term
i was just gonna let you keep going
oh i'm staying away with emotional
lubricant
it's so much worse
it's so way worse
i literally i'm like what is the word
i'm like like i was just gonna let you
keep going you made me snort
yeah nothing says
emotional lube like some tequila shots
oh why
hannah this isn't a new problem we all
know i frequently forget a word and then
i just like try and find it you did you
fail miserably
one time i was teaching a yoga class and
couldn't think of the word fist so i
said raise your hand ball into the air
and everyone turned in they're like what
the [ __ ]
you've officially made me cry twice
i made myself cry once and that feels
that's that's a new impressive record um
yeah so
some liquid courage emotional lubricant
whatever your preferred terminology is
and then he's like all right
go to the bed get naked but leave your
heels on and then he brings in all the
supplies he has like batteries a
vibrator
um
lube
and leather handcuffs
those don't feel needed for anal no
but could be fun just i was like if she
checked it off on the list
maybe that was the secret third item we
don't know about
yeah so he brings all the supplies
then my notes literally say chapter into
half
28 pages of foreplay leading to anal
okay
so we know she was well prepared
and they they had a great time she
thoroughly enjoyed the anal mm-hmm and
then like she made a comment about like
next time and he's like oh like there's
gonna be a next time
um okay would you know
for his big [ __ ] you do need 28 pages of
foreplay and some emotional lube to
prepare
you need several kinds of lube emotional
is one of them but definitely not the
only one needed nope
yikes maybe that's a sponsorship we
should go for like a lube brand sure
ky
yeah
maybe a different one we'll explore the
options
maybe we won't
i'm gonna shut up about that now
at work
we've we made it past the anal scene
where uh the anal chapter and a half
we're now at work and logan is giving
kinder feedback to people in the meeting
and everyone's kind of like
everyone's a little shook by it like is
he high yes
and then someone asks evelyn like oh
who's working on like that big project
with you that he'd given her at the
beginning of the book and she's like oh
i'm doing it alone and then the girl's
like i didn't realize you've been
promoted
and evelyn's like oh i haven't been so
like everyone kind of like
starts to think something like might
kind of be up getting a little sus
yeah logan meets her parents we don't
actually see that scene we just like
kind of hear it happened and then at
some point she tells logan she loves him
he has not set it back but like
she's like yep i'm there
they go out for drinks with his friends
she stays over
he goes on a run in the morning because
he's training for his marathon she hears
the door open and then like walks in
after like she just got out of the
shower
and like the fridge door is open and
just sees like some legs there and she's
like
you you gonna [ __ ] me in the shower are
you too tired and like drops the towel
it's his brother good standing there
right yeah love that but that's really
the whole scene
like he comes back in his brother makes
a joke about it and he's like yeah just
let you know evelyn said she wanted to
[ __ ] you in the shower
what a thoughtful and he's like why did
you tell my brother that she's like i
thought it was you and he's like we look
different and she's like
his face was behind the fridge door i
didn't know
why would someone else be in your
[ __ ] house but like all of these
like i would like to go back 28 pages
were spent on foreplay and an anal scene
and i'm pretty sure everything i just
described between meeting her parents to
dropping the towel happened in like
10 pages
so i don't know what sort of scale
meeting the parents to dropping the
towel like what it would be used for but
it's gonna be the scale that i used from
now on okay so from meeting the parents
to dropping the towel how would you rare
are we
back at work now because
everything goes really fast that is
between meeting the parents and dropping
the towels being at work i think
is that the five on the scale the
neutral middle
yes at work in this case
in this case yeah you know it's a very
specific skill it does not work for all
situations
they're back at work and then it's
announced that there's a merger
happening
with another design company
and there's a new promotion opportunity
um where they're like wanting to hire a
new supervisor for each team
and
so evelyn's all excited and she's like
decide she wants to apply for it
then logan like text her and he's like
hey let's go to lunch and he chooses a
place that's like eight blocks from
their office in chicago so that way like
no one will see them
and then he's talking to her about
applying and he like totally thinks she
should and that she'd be great at it and
suddenly he's like go to the bathroom
like right now and so she like goes into
the bathroom
and apparently like one of their other
co-workers had shown up for lunch
so logan leaves and then when evelyn
walks out of the bathroom the other
co-worker's like oh
weird seeing you here logan was just
here too and so like things are just
kind of awkward closing in on how subtle
they can really be
um and rumors are definitely starting at
the office and people have noticed like
she's in his office more and she's like
oh it's because he's giving me feedback
about that like project i'm working on
i'm like
feedback is that what we're calling it
these days
i'd rather call it feedback than
emotional lube i'm just still really
stuck on that i'm so sorry for to all of
you for that
logan gives her a key to his place so
like things are escalating between them
um but she doesn't see him much because
of the merger that's happening
and then she and blake say that they're
gonna go get lunch
and logan is like all out of sorts about
it and i was like not really a fan
like
he like was forcing himself into
your place while super drunk yeah like
more than just like i'm a jealous
boyfriend he's like you kept saying no
when he kept doing it and i'm if i'm not
there i don't like don't feel great
about this yeah it feels unsafe yeah so
he's like will you cancel so she's like
yeah okay fine so
she calls blake to cancel and then blake
is like
yeah so amy's pregnant
and so then she's like okay let's go get
lunch we need to talk about this and
process this a little bit so they decide
to go get lunch and then logan's like
hey girl where are you at
she's like uh
[Music]
lunch with blake and he's like
where are you at and she's like
sandwich place potbellies
and
so
then while they're sitting there she's
having this conversation with blake
about everything and
um it's like telling him that like she
thinks logan is the one and
like maybe it never worked out between
you and me because it was always
supposed to be him but because i was so
wrapped up in you and our friendship and
well they won't they i just like never
really saw him in that capacity and now
i can so like i was like saying all
these things as logan shows up oh dear
which she doesn't realize and so then
she's like how much did you ever hear
that
was like she was like that was not for
you
yep and he's like i got here around the
time where you said
like our like being in love with me was
like hearing birds sing or like some
sort of [ __ ] and she's like oh man
you've been here a while
you've heard most of that oh no
um but went well because logan was like
obviously showed up
thinking it was going to be a
confrontation and be pissed and then
like well that's kind of a welcome
surprise right like you get there and
you just like hear your girlfriend
telling another dude how much she loves
you right and so then like logan and
blake more officially meet in a chill
capacity and then because the sandwich
shop is nearby her work a co-worker
shows up for lunch as is normal and
then is like oh like are y'all all here
together and logan's like no i was just
asking evelyn and her friend what their
like favorite sandwich was here before i
order
and then the co-worker's like let me
tell you about my favorites
he's like [ __ ] man read the room but
yeah he's like i really did not give a
[ __ ] about your favorite sandwich but
here we are it was my out yep
yep
so then after that logan texter and is
like we need to talk tonight and she's
like oh [ __ ] like is he pissed about the
whole like blake thing
but then when she gets to his place he
has flowers oh and it's like apologized
for not trusting her and like assuming
it was kind of gonna be worst case
scenarios like once again things are
progressing well between them
the next day at work someone drops by
her desk with a birthday card to sign
and she's like oh whose birthday are we
signing this for and they're like
logan's and she's like what [ __ ] it's
logan's birthday i did not know this and
i'm his secret girlfriend and i did not
have anything planned
so she's like what am i going to do what
am i going to do and then she remembers
peyton asking if she could watch and is
like that's a great gift
okay
[Laughter]
um yeah so decides that that's what
she's going to gift him um he had a work
thing was going to have to like or i
don't know he had something he wasn't
gonna be home until like after eight so
evelyn and payton get to his place early
because she has that key now
they they do a couple of shots at
tequila for emotional lubricant
and peyton's like how how many shots we
do in and
evelyn's like just the drunk side of
drunk
description
which i'm like how many shots is that
right i was like i have a lot of
questions because
i'm not gonna lie i don't know about you
hannah
the last time i did shots actually i'll
tell you the story the last two times i
did shots
both of them have led me to the
conclusion that shots are not for me no
same um one i was doing shots not at all
i was waiting for my hair appointment
with my sister this was when i was still
living in nashville
and i was at a bar next door
to the salon and had had two like pretty
high gravity beers
and then a dude and his girlfriend came
in i was just chatting with a girlfriend
just having a great conversation he was
a rum distributor and they carried his
room so he's like i'm like the three of
us shots i'm like it's rude to turn down
a shot in a situation like that and it's
also not like i can be like
sorry i can't i'm on antibiotics that's
why i'm only drinking beer like there's
you know like
it is there's not really an easy way
it just feels rude to turn down a shot
okay so i'm like okay fine i'll do a
shot um they it was not like a shot
glass it was like like a tumbler it was
like a triple pour in a tumbler and i
was like okay i guess we're doing this
so i down all of it and then i
it was literally i had to cross a
one-way street with no traffic to get to
the salon and i was like
[ __ ] i've made a horrible mistake i was
so drunk my sister couldn't cut my hair
because i was slumped over in the seat
chelsea my sister was pregnant at the
time
she takes me back into the break room
cuts me up an apple with some peanut
butter i start crying about how good of
a mom she's gonna be and then i had to
like she was like chelsea i have plans i
can't take you home and i was like
that's fine i can just sit at my car and
wait this out i was texting with a
co-worker and he was like do i need to
come pick you up and i was like
probably
so he's like what parking where are you
i was like the parking garage behind the
ihop and you're like [ __ ] okay
and i don't remember it this way but my
he's like yeah
your shoe you just left it and then like
you got out of your car and your shoe
fell out and like in the middle of the
parking garage and you just left it
something i have always wondered where
those single shoes come from on the side
of the road they are me
that is how we got them like how do they
get there why are they there um the
other situation was we were having a
cousin's night and we were all out and
once again i think the problem is like
i'm normally already several drinks in
by the time someone says we're doing
shots so someone bought shots
um one of my cousins was like chelsea i
don't know what happened i turned around
and you were [ __ ] gumby on the dance
floor she was like actually she's like
you weren't gumby you're one of those
like wind men like
she's in used cardigans
she's like you were a used car
dealership wind man with your how like
bendy and you were on the dance floor
then i realized i was not feeling well
at this club i was like i need to go to
the bathroom so i find a bathroom
just sitting in a stall trying to get my
life together wondering how i got there
and then i was like i just need some
like i need cold water so i go out to
the sink i'm like splashing cold water
on my face so this is my experience of
this whole thing um my cousin's
retelling of this story is that
i disappeared for 30 minutes
they couldn't find me and i was like i
was in the bathroom there were two
bathrooms they didn't know i somehow
found the other bathroom
so
i'm gone for 30 minutes and i'm
splashing water in my face trying to
sober up and they're like yeah you're
gone suddenly you show up sopping wet
and just say
we need to leave
oh chelsea am i like the cousin that we
were all staying with she was like say
no more round them up like gets all our
drunk asses together the one who
described me as gumby on the dance floor
assumed something had gone wrong luckily
like
thank goodness nothing had gone wrong
right but she spent the entire uber ride
back to the house going chelsea did
something sketch happen
oh
which was very pure and very sweet um
i would like to know that was
almost six years ago and in the cousin
group chat this week
my cousin was like i just found a
picture from the night
and i'm not in the picture of course
you're not because you disappeared into
the bathroom yep um
so that's my experience with emotional
lube
and i yeah
like the first one i was like okay maybe
it was just a fluke the second shot
situation i was like shots aren't for me
and i've embraced that and i'm okay with
that we've come to accept it yes but
evelyn and payton are doing shots to
prepare so they can be just on the drunk
side of drunk
i was way past the drunk side of drunk
so i don't know how to get there with
shots if i'm being
honest um
then peyton's like okay i'm gonna get
the blindfold back on you we're kind of
gonna like recreate
the club situation
so she like gets evelyn blindfolded and
on the bed and then starts like kissing
evelyn and evelyn's like you're my best
friend what's going on and she's like
i'm just like warming you up for him
and she was like
i think peyton's really been focused on
like how hot terry described the scene
and has like wanted it in this entire
time
so then she
asks if she can go down on evelyn and
everyone's like you're my best friend
and i don't know if that's chill but
like this feels kind of good so
we're on the we're on the drunk side of
drunk sure
and so then
why is that cheating
yeah
my thoughts
it was just
a series of grunts that was not words
and that
was um
exactly what my mental processing was as
the scene happened
so then evelyn gets close to coming
and is like i need to call logan for
permission and that's when i had the
thought like
you're you're gonna call your boyfriend
and be like my best friend is going down
on me right now
can i come so had some thoughts and
questions there but she's like i need to
call logan for permission
and like i need to ask him and then she
hears his voice in the room and it's
like ask me what and she's like wait how
long have you been there
and he's like
yeah she was asking me if she could go
down on you she wasn't asking you so
like he's been there
the whole time yeah pretty much because
she had the blindfold exactly she had
the blindfold
and then she's like well i only want to
come if you're inside me
because of his big [ __ ] you know sure so
he's like all right scoot up to the top
of the bed
and then he just puts his dick in her
mouth and then hayton is still going
down on her and then he's like yeah well
like my dick is inside you and i'm like
this feels like a workaround
but sure here we are
then payton asks evelyn if she will
share logan with her
and evelyn's like
i mean it's his birthday so sure yeah
but i do have some rules three three
rules i know we're all surprised since
it's not the name of the book or
anything
um the three rules are no mouth kissing
oh okay a condom is needed
and you can't come with her you have to
come with me
okay
i really feel like there should have
been more rules
okay like maybe that's just like logan's
like
so i can put my mouth anywhere on her
except her mouth
and evelyn's like
her the rules yes
i like
okay okay um
my notes then say another gratuitous sex
scene peyton's panties in evelyn's mouth
so she won't be too loud goes on for a
real long time
happy birthday logan
[Laughter]
happy birthday indeed yep
um then
we are now at work the following monday
there's a new project that logan's like
does anyone want this and everyone's
kind of like not making eye contact not
really like about this project but
evelyn's like
sure i'll take it and he goes thanks
evie
and calls her evie evie whatever the
nickname in front of all of the
co-workers so then the co-workers like
ask her about it
and she's like what no like i heard he
had a girlfriend and they're like yeah
well he was sleeping his way through all
the other departments so
which department do you think she's in
and evelyn's like wait what like i
didn't know about that uh oh
yeah so at his place that night they
talk about it he confirms he's like
he's like i lost my virginity to my
girlfriend because we started dating
when we were 15. when we broke up i
slept with a couple like i think it
ended up being like three different
girls throughout the entire company and
like one it was like
when she put in her two weeks notice
like
so like it wasn't
as dramatic as like everyone had kind of
made it seem right and so she's like
okay i feel better about that
the next day at work is the day that
they're announcing the promotion which
evelyn is assuming she's getting this
promotion
uh oh yeah that's the right assumption
um
and so she like shows up like dressed a
little spiffier because she expects
there to be an announcement in her favor
but she gets a call from accounting and
they're asking about the reprint from
the initial order from the start of the
book oh no and she's like
oh
yeah then they're like well they're like
there's not really like a receipt but it
says it was paid for
um and it was four thousand dollars
and she's like what
how much did you say it was like yeah
the reprint was was four thousand
dollars it ended up being like
985 or something like that and she's
like
what the hell so she goes into logan's
office to confront him on this and is
like
so i got a call from accounting and he's
like they weren't supposed to say
anything
she's like were you gonna say something
and so he admits that like he lied to
her and he got the printer to do it at
cost and that he initially inflated the
number thinking she would like back down
about the whole issue
and then when he learned how she was
going to get the money he didn't want
her to back down
oh so he just like
never
told her
and like ick right and he apologizes but
like
for obvious reasons that doesn't
land soup like she's like still salty
about it she's like i accept your
apology but like
that's part of the rules man honesty
right i'm like it's all about the trust
and you are destroying the trust
and so then he had a lunch meeting that
day and so right after he tells her yeah
sorry i lied about that also i'm going
to lunch with april my ex and she's like
what the [ __ ] and he's like her dad died
over the weekend she's not in a good
place
i think it's just kind of made her
realize like she doesn't want things
open-ended she wants closures like
that's really what this is about and
she's like were you gonna tell me and
he's like well like
after how i kind of handled when you
went out to lunch with blake i was gonna
tell you afterwards
and she's logan
right so then she's like there's two
breeches of trust like it's a double
whammy and one one call
he gets back from lunch and then tells
evelyn like they need to talk about the
promotion and so she's like
yeah absolutely like
make sure when you let kathleen down you
do it quick you rip the bandaid off and
he's like is that how you would want it
done
and like tells her she didn't get the
promotion because that morning his boss
was like so are you sleeping with evelyn
no
because he called her evie in front of
everyone
god damn it logan right and
so he hasn't lied to his boss because
he's like that'll make it worse so he's
like yeah and i'm like okay so they're
like
like she's still a good candidate but
optically
we can't we can't give her this
promotion
and so she's pissed and like he's like
yeah
homegirl accepted the position 20
minutes ago like when so like just like
in the course of like what a shitty day
for her like
thinking you're getting a promotion
and you find out your boyfriend has been
lying to you about so many things yep
yeah so she's like all right i'm going
home early i don't feel well
and he's like
well where like what what's wrong why
don't you
what doesn't feel well
is it your tummy
[Laughter]
and she's like why do you care and it's
like getting louder in the office
because she's pissed and he's like i
care because i i'm in love with you
says it very loudly for all to hear
and so then like everyone's like what
and she's like
i'm still leaving i'm so pissed right
now this is not
yeah and he's what did he he's like i
care about you he's like i care because
i'm in love with you evie and she was
like my name is evelyn and walks out
good for her i'm like
evelyn doesn't feel like a strong enough
name to pull that move off but
good for you girl
logan then shows at her place and is
like very apologetic
and it's like it's a relatively healthy
like adult conversation she's like hey
like i still love you but i'm very hurt
by everything that you did and i need
you to let me be upset about this and
you can't just fix it and like sex won't
just fix this and i need you to give me
space like i lost that promotion because
of what you said
and he's like well like we've all made
mistakes and then she's like kind of
like
have we well but also like she
automatically goes to the fact that like
her mistake with the proof is what got
them into this whole situation and so
then he's like we've all made mistakes
like you've made a mistake before right
then she's like the [ __ ] like this is
not the approach to take right now no
logan yeah and so she's like
i still love you
but just give me a few days right like i
just get away from me yeah yeah
like things are kind of tense at the
office for the rest of the week
um i think it's friday i don't know
logan asks her to come into his office
and like he's not looking too good and
it's like clearly like very upset about
all of this
and then tells her like i'm putting in
my notice today
and she's like wait what no why huh
and he's like well if i put in my notice
then kathleen the girl who had just been
promoted kathleen will get my job and
then you'll get promoted
to that position you wanted
she's like
i really love you for like trying to
help and think through she's like but
you love your job just as much as i love
my job
that let's not do that like don't be
rash don't be hasty and she's like give
me over the weekend like get me until
monday and he's like wait give you until
monday so does that mean you're not
coming to my marathon on sunday
she's like just give me until monday
which also sucks because he has been
training and that's a long that's a lot
of time and whatever
um
but yeah so he's bummed that she won't
be at the marathon so then after the
conversation she like realizes she's
like
i don't need the promotion this job has
already given me more than enough
it gave me logan
like
[Laughter]
so
she's like all right like i'm over being
upset
i get
like he didn't make the right choices
but i get why he made them he was trying
to do the right thing
that he just didn't do the right thing
right and
intentions were good intentions were
good but intent versus impact is a very
real thing yes so she calls his brother
nick and
and he's like she's like i need your
help with something he's like i'm still
a married man
so nick is my favorite character just
like nick on the side here i'm just i'm
here for nick nick and peyton are my
favorites yes
um evie says that she wants to surprise
logan not nick at the at the marathon
nick and logan were actually supposed to
run it together but nick found out he
had like a stress fracture in his foot
before right
definitely a big bummer
and so
she
being evelyn i don't know why i felt i
needed to describe that it's been the
same she this entire [ __ ] book but i
just felt the need to explain it
she
goes with nick and his wife hillary with
all of their signs to like support
logan on his run
and um he like sees her there
gets very excited his goal had been to
complete the marathon and sub four hours
because the last marathon he ran he
completed it in four hours two minutes
he completes this one in three hours 57
minutes really love that these are the
details that were thrown in the book at
this point
and i love that you're providing them
i just wanted it to be a full
full synopsis for you and it is um
because i have a feeling you might not
read this one i probably won't um i read
it for both of us thank you for that
y'all will have to share with you our uh
screenshots of our text conversation at
some points because there's so many
times like we'll text each other a book
and we're like thank you for reading
that for both of us
thank you for reading that so i don't
have to yep
your country thanks you for your service
at the reunion point um like after the
marathon
where like evelyn's like i surprised him
he is then like hey i i have to tell you
something i don't want to keep anything
from you
she's like ah [ __ ] what does it know and
he's like i bought an engagement ring
and she's like when did you buy an
engagement ring he's like the day you
got lunch with blake and he like
overheard the conversation of like her
like saying that she was in love with
him and he was the one
and then he gets down on one knee and
proposes and she's like what the hell
you just had a ring on you and then she
like looks over at nick and she's like
you told him i was coming didn't you and
he's like
yeah and just like he's like i didn't
want it to mess with his head and like
[ __ ] up his marathon if he thought you
weren't going to be here to support him
they get engaged um
i guess happily ever after there's an
epilogue cliffhanger for the next book
which is essentially a month in the
future things have settled down at the
office evelyn ended up getting promoted
to senior designer so it wasn't like the
really big promotions she thought she
was gonna get but she did get a
promotion and
like things are going well now now that
they're out in the open and they're like
we commute together and we eat lunch
together and like we don't have to so
cute right we don't have to live in
secret
um but then like peyton calls her super
early in the morning
and is like i'm coming over like it's
like before 6 a.m
and everyone's like what the [ __ ] like
is everything okay
and so when peyton gets to logan's she's
like
logan got me fired
like i lost my job oh no and evelyn's
like what are you talking about and like
apparently logan has a cold and is
passed out on cold meds so
she like goes and she's like hey babe so
like
what happened
like nathan saying she lost her job
because of you he like sits up and he's
like wait was she working last night
and evelyn's like yeah
and then his phone beeps and he like
looks at it then he looks at evelyn and
he's like i think i did something i
shouldn't have
and that's how the book ends and then
the next book i believe is about pain
but i don't know because i haven't read
it yet um
so that's
so the long and the short of it what
sort of rating scale are we even using
for this is it is it the blindfolds
meeting the parents to dropping the
towel
from meeting the parents are dropping
the towel um
i think it this book can get different
ratings depending on what you're looking
for in it okay okay
i think if you're looking for a solid
plot
we're at meeting the parents okay
um
i think if you're here for gratuitous
sex scenes
we're at dropping the towel okay
i think if we're for the overall
experience between the two
we're at the office
okay
like
it's a quick read it's a pretty fun read
but there are definitely scenes where
you're like we [ __ ] get it
like
please stop finger blasting her
or maybe don't but like just like don't
describe it in such detail right the
detail is unnecessary at this juncture
yeah i'm like
like because i straight up looked i was
like
that one scene the foreplay to anal 28
pages
maybe that's the skill we should use for
play-doh
[Music]
sorry
from foreplay to anal where would you
rate this one i know i don't know i
didn't read it you didn't but you heard
the synopsis
um i mean i guess
um
maybe
a best friend asking for permission to
go down on someone
best friend asking the boyfriend
for permission
so is that like a six
[Laughter]
sure six blindfolds
so we will include a conversion chart in
this week's notes
you know we say that to be sassy but
knowing my husband he will probably make
one um i don't know what it'll look like
but i'm excited for
for where this ends up
um yeah you know i'd say like i'd say
six blindfolds okay out of ten i don't
know how many blindfolds that's out of
but i feel like six is a strong number
for the number of blindfolds regardless
yeah
like it's like one of those that's like
250 pages yeah you can read it
on a rainy afternoon
maybe not
in front of your parents sure um
like maybe not at a coffee shop
right awkward yeah
so maybe that makes it less blindfolds
or you know if you have the blindfold on
they can't see you reading it
[Laughter]
okay so i'm thriving
um yeah so six blindfolds y'all let us
know
what your thoughts are um you have three
different rating scales to choose from
so choose your own adventure on this one
yeah we wanted you to have several
options because there's just you know
there need to be for this one i think
yeah
so
thanks for joining us smut [ __ ]
thanks y'all
i'm i'm sorry for the
every time i said emotional lube i just
i'm so sorry
all right we love y'all thank you have a
great rest of your day and i'm sorry
again goodbye bye
next week on smut club
so that just makes me think of there's a
big boy song well technically i guess
it's big grams he did it never mind but
he says um she needs a vitamin d
overdose and i do mean d
and that's all i can think about now
that's one of my favorite lines and
music ever
well that's it for this week's mud [ __ ]
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[Music]