Missing the Message

The power of balance, finding the middle place between effort and surrender. Learning to hear what life is trying to tell us.

Show Notes

We all have goals we strive to achieve and desires we are constantly pursuing. It is natural to feel frustrated when we don’t see results or progress in our efforts. But often, it is not only about reaching the destination, but also about the journey itself. To chase our goals and make the most of our lives, it is important to find a balance between effort and surrender.

We can learn a lot about ourselves by observing our own actions, attitudes, and overall way of being. We can also gain insight into our lives by noting our patterns and feelings, and paying attention to what is actually going on in any given moment. If we are too focused on a certain outcome, we may miss vital communication from our lives.

Achieving what we want in a healthy way involves shifting our energy to something more pleasant and enjoying the journey rather than just focusing on the destination. Finding a balance between showing up and trying to do something versus the need to have that thing done is essential. Surrender does not mean giving up, but rather a shift in energy around our thoughts and actions. We can choose how we do things, and the way we do them affects the outcome.

On the one hand, we need to have the determination and drive to keep showing up and trying. On the other hand, we need to be flexible and listen to what our lives are telling us. We can move towards our goals even if it feels like we are moving away. We can find a middle place of active engagement and cooperation rather than control.

We’ve all had experiences where we were frantic about getting something done, and then the exact same experience with a calmer approach yielded the same outcome but with a completely different experience. This is evidence that life is not an either-or but rather a balance of effort and surrender.

Therefore, we need to prioritize our experience and find the right balance between effort and surrender. Making this shift can lead to a more productive and rewarding journey, all the while still achieving our goals.

Full episode transcript available at: https://theunionpath.com/episodes

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The Union Path Podcast - Missing the Message
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We all get frustrated, of course we do. It's frustrating to show up day after day, trying to make something happen, and having it not happen.

It makes sense, we're we're human beings and these things we want, we really want. We pursue, we chase, we make a lot of effort to try to run down the things we want to have in our life.

And these qualities are good qualities. The qualities of persistence, resilience, sticktuitiveness, determination, drive, those are good things.

Those things are thought of as esteemable characteristics for a reason, and we can look around and see lots of highly accomplished people, whatever we define that to be,

and they seem to have a lot of these qualities, if not all of them. So when we look at the things that we want to achieve, it makes a lot of sense we would just emulate what we observe to seem to be successful.

That's common sense, that's pretty obvious. But the tricky part really comes, like a lot of things in the nuance, in the actual practical application of how do we really get what we want?

We've got this desire within us, perhaps it's a burning one. What do we actually do to realize it, and what do we actually do to realize it in a way that feels good?

Because after all, it doesn't really make a lot of sense to go after something we want just to be miserable in the process.

I think that's kind of a funny belief that a lot of us can have is that if I just suffer enough, I'll get what I want. No pain, no gain.

Well, for me anyway, I don't really think it works that way. I find that if I go into something with a no pain, no gain sort of attitude, it'll be more like no pain. More pain, or at the very least, no pain, more pain in the ass.

But thinking about this idea of striving, this idea of really going after what we want, how do we actually do this in a healthy way?

How do we actually do this in a way that is nurturing and adds to our life? How do we do it in a way where we don't get caught up in our own neurosis, in our own insecurities, in our own anxiety?

How do we pursue what we want from a place of appreciation and enjoyment rather than a place of intense grasping and chasing?

How do we shift that energy into something a little bit more pleasant? How do we actually enjoy the journey and not just put all of our quality of life expectations on the destination?

That's a good question, something I wrestle with, a lot. Probably something I wrestle with now in one way or another, but I really think that we can learn a lot when we start to tease apart the energy around what we're doing.

When we really try to feel our own lives, when we really get in touch with the tactile, sensory part of our own experience,

then I think we can really start to make sense of not only why our lives are the way they are, but really why we've been getting what we've been getting.

In a lot of ways, a lot of us are taught that the way to achieve what we want is simply through grit, through hard work, through intense focus and nonstop maximum effort.

And sure if you pour enough energy into something, it'll often happen. But that's not really the point, right? That's not really the point of thinking about things in terms of just the attainment.

I think a more complete, more full, more rich life really gets down into the levels of what does actually feel like?

What is the dominant experience of my life and is this really what I want? We don't live in the ends, we live in the now.

Our lives are the combined experience of our days, and what are our days like? What are the patterns we see playing out?

How often do we actually feel good? How often do we actually feel alive? How often are we actually paying attention?

Conversely, how often are we ignoring how are we actually feel? How often are we ignoring some internal conflict? Some external conflict?

How are we ignoring subtle and not so subtle cues and clues regarding if the path we're on is the one we actually want to be on, is actually ours?

Obviously we can learn a lot about our lives through paying attention. That's not earth shattering.

You can learn a lot about anything by paying attention, but it's also really important to keep in mind, well, what are we actually looking for? What are we, what are we really striving after?

What do we want? Really? What is the fuel that's propelling us towards this imagined future that we're so diligently chasing?

Like a lot of things when we really know why we do something, we really learn a lot about ourselves. When we start to actually peel away the more superficial layers and look at the motivations behind what we actually do,

it's quite instructive, it's quite illuminating. Because most of the time it's all right there. Most of the time we can really get to know people by simply observing what they do,

observing them in certain situations, and see how they react, how they respond. People will tell us everything we need to know about them if we just pay attention for a little while.

Not to their words so much, but to their actions, to their attitudes, to their overall way of being. What do they like to be around? How do we feel?

Are they energizing or are they draining? Are they calming or are they upsetting? Are they easy or are they complicated? Are they natural or are they forced?

Well, the same is true about ourselves. We can really get to know ourselves through observing not only what we do, but more importantly how we do it, why we do it, when we do it,

really looking at the full picture of our lives, and really paying attention to what's actually going on in any given moment. What are we creating? Where are we going? What are we doing?

So when we find ourselves with a strong desire and we find ourselves really wanting this thing to happen, how do we actually find the calm, serene, pleasant path, but actually still get what we want?

Because it sounds like a cop out, right? It's like, well, if you wanna feel better, just stop trying or at least stop trying so hard.

But then for a lot of us, I know it, for me, part of my mind can say, but wait a minute, if I just sit back, this isn't gonna happen. I'm just gonna be sitting here watching the life I want fly on by.

I don't think it really works that way, or at the very least is far more nuanced and complicated, it's not that simple.

Because the thing is, when we're pushing to achieve something really hard, when we are really focused, when we're really determined,

when we have an incredible amount of force and momentum working towards these ends that we're trying to achieve, we can miss a whole lot.

It is true and it is possible that we can be so focused on this particular outcome that we can miss all of the vital communication our life is trying to give us.

We can be so locked in to achieving a certain thing in a certain way at a certain time that we're completely unaware of what's really happening.

We're missing warnings, we're missing clarity, we're missing clues and cues in regards to finding our way. We're just moving forward as quickly as possible to reach this end that we've decided will further complete us in some way.

We are charging forward towards this imagined future, but in the process largely ignoring what's actually happening now. So if the solution to actually getting what we want in the way that we want isn't just racing after it with as much effort and force as possible,

but it's not the opposite of just sitting in a chair and repeating mantras and imagining and waiting for this thing to show up, how do we actually do it?

Well, I think in analogy that's apt here is to think about the things we achieve in life, the positive things that happen to us and through us can really be thought of the same way as fishing.

Everybody can understand that, right? You go out fishing and whatever your expectations are, the day is gonna be whatever the day is. You may not get a single bite all day.

You may catch your limit within an hour. You never know. You can go to the same place at the same time of day, do all of the exact same things, and yet have radically different experiences,

or at least radically different experiences in terms of what was achieved. That's really curious.

That seems random. That seems capricious and arbitrary, but I think there's a little bit more going on than that. Because that only appears to be random, that only appears to be chaos from the perspective of only one certain outcome is good.

That perspective comes from our own judgment. Frankly, that perspective comes from our own resistance to what is.

If we're out on that boat all day and we don't catch anything, and we feel like the day was a complete waste and a complete failure,

well then I think it's really interesting to ask ourselves, do we actually like fishing? Is this actually how we wanna be spending our time, or are we simply doing this to get something done?

Personally, I think these ideas can be applied in whole bunch of areas of life. I know it's true with mine. That there's a really delicate balance between showing up and trying to do something, versus the need to have that thing done.

And personally, when I find myself frustrated with the lack of results, I really do try to pay attention to that.

Pay attention to that frustration. What's underneath that? What's that all about? Well, there's a conflict. There's a conflict that I'm not getting what I want. No, I think it's actually deeper than that. There's a conflict of I'm not actually doing what I want to be doing.

Ah, now we're getting somewhere. Well, what do you wanna be doing? Well, I don't know. I just want to have these things done because then I'll feel better.

Well, why don't you feel better now? What do you need these things in order to feel better? And on and on this internal dialogue goes.

It can feel circuitous, but it is useful to pay attention to not only what we're doing, but how it actually feels. And what are these feelings telling us?

Because I think that's really the key to living a life I actually want, is doing my best to stay out of that resistance,

stay out of that pushing, and move into more of a middle place of both showing up, both doing the work, but also letting go of my own expectations of what this work will lead to and when.

If I'm just doing something to get something done, if I'm just giving to get, then I'm probably not actually doing the right thing.

If my life experience is completely run through the medium of achievement, is completely valued based on results,

then that really seems to be a squandered opportunity. Results often are just moments, and sure, we may bask in the glow of some great achievement for a little while,

but often it won't be long until we're right back into the need. We're right back into the emptiness we're right back into the whatever, drove us to the last achievement,

pushing us forward onto another one. But after we've lived long enough and we can see these patterns having played out, I think it's important that when we spot behavior that isn't typically very effective,

we've got to question that for a minute and say, okay, well I still really want these things,

but the way I'm going about it seems to not only be letting me down in terms of its effectiveness of delivering these things in the first place,

but more importantly I'm having a pretty rotten ride along the way. You see that's a confusing thing about ideas around surrender is, for me anyway, the first ideas that that conjures up are giving up, stopping, quitting,

but that's not actually what surrender is, or not the full definition of what surrender is. Surrender is really more of an applied ease. It's not a cessation, it's a shifting of the energy around our own thoughts and actions.

It's continuing to move forward, but it's moving forward in a way that's flowing rather than forcing. It's moving forward in a way that's actually a pleasant ride rather than this effortful battle.

Because ultimately we get to choose. We get to choose how we do things. We get to choose if we force and we fight and we struggle and we suffer. And we get to choose if we flow, if we allow, if we try, if we align.

That is we get to choose not only what we do, but how we do it, and that latter quality directly affects the former. The how we do things is the color, is the texture, is the raw felt experience of our lives.

Because we've, we've all done it. We've all done things where we were just absolutely maniacally frantic about getting something done.

And then we've done the exact same thing, but from a place of calm ease. Well, it's the same outcome. It's the same achievement, but boy was the experience completely different.

That's what I mean. Looking at our life from the lens of, well, I want the things I want because I want to experience something,

and if ultimately what I want is experience, and I can do myself a lot of favors by actually making my experience the priority,

and I make my experience the priority by paying attention, by listening, by being both rigid and flexible.

By having the discipline and determination to keep showing up, to keep trying, but to have the flexibility to listen when life is telling me to do something differently.

I'm not locked in a head to head battle with life, it's not my enemy, it's not my adversary. I'm not trying to defeat it and tackle it to the ground. I'm not trying to dominate it.

But at the same time, I'm not trying to have life dominate me either. I'm not trying to be this completely passive leaf in the wind that just goes wherever the wind goes.

That kinda reminds me if you ever watched a butterfly fly? It's really interesting because a butterfly does have a lot of leaf qualities,

especially when it's windy out they seem to just have this random course, it's just they're going left, they're going right, they're going up, they're going down,

like it really seems chaotic and random, yet butterflies can migrate thousands of miles. I think that's really interesting. If we look at it in the short term, it may seem like the butterfly is just going wherever the wind blows.

But a longer, fuller view, the butterfly is going to where the butterfly should go, is meant to go. In a lot of ways, I think that's how life can be. We can have a specific aim. We're here, and we wanna be way over there,

and so we try, we show up, we do the work, we do all the things that we think are gonna put us in a position to actually achieve that someday. But then sometimes it doesn't work out.

Sometimes we actually move backwards. Sometimes we get lost, sometimes we get stuck, but all the information that we need to get to where we want to go is present.

The thing we need to ask ourselves is, are we listening? Are we actually moving with what is happening or just entirely against it?

Are we actually one with this life or have we split this life in two of our own agenda and then this other opposite thing that's happening to us?

Ultimately, I believe what we're looking for is balance. So many things in life, and it seems to come up over and over and over again, are not in either/or. It's not passive and it's not active. It's not quitting, but it's not more force either.

It's somewhere in the middle, it's a balance. It's not an either/or, it's a yes/and. It's yin and yang. It's effort and surrender. It's desire and acceptance. It's both.

And so when I find myself showing up day after day, fishing rod in hand, I really try to remember that I'm doing what I'm doing because I want to be doing it.

And I really negatively affect the time I'm having by getting too caught up in the immediate and obvious outcomes and rewards of what I'm doing.

Of instead of just focusing on the achievement, focusing on the present moment experience. Learning to temper my wanting to push and force, with more of an openness, more of a receptiveness.

More of a sensitivity to where the energy is actually flowing to what's actually happening. And when I do feel I'm in that flow, I will accelerate.

And when it's not, I'll let my foot off the gas and coast for a little while. I'll be like that little butterfly. Sometimes a tailwind, sometimes a headwind, sometimes a sidewind, but I know where I'm going, I know what I want.

I know the mission that I'm on ultimately, and I'm flexible to take in new information and adjust that mission with what's actually happening.

I can move toward, even if I seem like I'm moving away. I can get things done, even if it seems like nothing's happening. I can persist, even though it looks like I'm giving up.

Because that's the whole thing, the thing I need to surrender is my control. The thing I need to surrender is my insistence that things have to be a certain way at a certain time and a certain place.

The thing that I have to surrender is my own resistance. The thing I have to acknowledge is that I'm actually in my own way when I'm not moving with life.

Life already has its own ways and means of doing things. This is all already happening. It doesn't need for me to step in and fix it. No, my role is far more an internal one.

Yeah, I can't choose how many fish I catch, but I can choose if and when I actually go fishing. I can put myself in the place the things I want to happen happen.

But I also can do things because I enjoy doing them. That the reward that I'm after is in the doing, not in the achieving.

I can find that middle place. I can find that active, engaged participant role, rather than forcing my control onto everything.

I can go through life in a sense of cooperation, rather than a sense of control. And just that shift, just that shift from control to cooperation changes everything. It takes away this overarching sense of stress and anxiety and striving and pushing.

And it's really a lot more centered on flowing and allowing, which is a far more pleasant way to do things. And the funny thing is, is usually the quickest way, the easiest way, the least effortful way to get what I want.