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Join Brooke Snow in the journey of co creating a life from a place of unconditional love.
Hello my friend. Welcome to the One Heart Podcast. I'm your host Brooke Snow, and I'm so grateful to have you here.
I came across a quote recently that said, "if it has conditions, it's not love."
For most of my life, all I knew was conditional love, and to even speak about love being unconditional felt abstract and maybe even confusing to how I'd been taught. It sure sounds nice and idealistic, but I also had a list of exceptions that basically cancelled it out as a real option.
In this episode we're going to talk about how judgement is the #1 block to experiencing unconditional love. And I will tell you right now, if you can let go of judgement, you will enter the world of unconditional love. It's that simple. And... at the same time, not so simple... because our judgements can be so deeply held. But my goodness is it worth the effort to let go of the judgement. Because just as the quote says, "if it has conditions, it's not love." So my friend, let's learn more about how to see and remove the barrier of judgement. Because unconditional love is real love. And real love, is so much better.
Before we begin, I invite you to join me in a three breath meditation to settle into your own heart.
Breathing in, come back into awareness of your body and descend to your heart.
Breathing in, opening your heart.
Breathing in, embody the love that is always inside you.
Smile, and say to yourself, I love and accept you.
Thank you, friends for joining me for the One Heart podcast.
Many summers ago I was staying at a cabin in the mountains for a family reunion and set out on a walk by myself. To be honest, my decision to go on a walk was triggered by feelings of frustration and anger and I knew I needed to get outside and gain some new perspective on life. The cabin was situated at the bottom of a mountain and because I was in a state of anger, I figured I would just hike up the mountain till I felt better and then turn around. Well, six miles later I can say that I most definitely felt different and I experienced a profound insight that altered me forever.
Hiking worked out my angry feelings. And once my mind and heart were finally in an open state again, the Universe sent me a message so clear that I wept. The words that came into my mind were, "Judge not, that ye be not judged."
I've heard this scripture countless times in my life. And yet this time, I understood it so differently that it felt like every cell in my body had just received a secret of the universe. A secret, that if I really could understand would change my life and my relationships forever.
Before I share with you this new interpretation I had of these words, let me share the old one I'd always believed before.
Judge not that ye be not judged.
Because of my cultural conditioning growing up, I somehow acquired an image of God as a demanding and condemning figure. I had always interpreted this scripture as a warning to watch out in how I'm judging others or God will condemn me to hell in the same way.
That moment on the mountain top however, I received an entirely new meaning hidden in plain site. I felt these words literally.
Judge not that ye BE not judged.
"To be" is a state of being. When we make a judgement on ourselves, on others, or our circumstances, we put a story or meaning on things. That story creates a reality, which creates our state of being. The moment we judge something, we step into that reality and we experience it. We live it. It changes our state of being.
We humans judge everything. All day long. Even the small judgements of "I like this", or "I don't like this" will instantly create a reality that we then experience.
The invitation to judge not that ye be not judged, is a secret of the universe on how to be happy. If you want to save yourself some suffering, learn how to not judge and put a story or meaning on things so you don't have to be dragged through the experience of living in that reality.
Years ago when my son was about three years old, I made a judgement on him and it created a difficult reality for me to live in as a parent. The judgement was simply, "He is a difficult child."
This judgement, was a story or meaning I put on his behavior. And because of this judgement I instantly entered that reality. Goodness was it a hard reality to live in! It meant that every day was hard. It meant that I saw him as a child trying to be defiant and that led to more judgements like, "I am a terrible mother", and "if I was a better mother he wouldn't behave this way." When we were in public I imagined judgements of what other people must be thinking and this added even more complexity to this reality. "What's wrong with her son? She should have more control over him. She's failing as a mom."
No one ever said those words out loud to me. I imagined them, but they felt REAL, because that was the reality that I was living in from all my judgements.
This need to judge everything is conditioned into us. We are taught to judge everything. It's part of living in this world of duality. We learn this from our culture, our families, the media, community, religion, education. We are taught how to think and what are the ideals of how a person should be. When we discover that we don't meet the ideal we create a deficit and so begins the habit of our judgements. So how do we stop doing what can feel so automatic?
Victor Frankl is attributed to saying, "Between stimulus and response there is a space. And in that space is our freedom to choose. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."
There is a space between stimulus and response. When we are in that space, there is essentially three things that can happen:
1. We choose to believe the judgement and consequently follow that judgement into that reality.
2. We can suspend judgement and stay in that neutral space as an observer.
3. We can choose a different judgement that offers a better reality.
We've all done the first option millions of times in our life, so lets talk about the other two.
BE THE OBSERVER
This is a common practice in meditation. It's a place of non-judgement. Instead of judging we observe. What do you observe exactly? Well, if I'm feeling mad, like I was when I set out on my six mile hike, I simply observe myself. I notice that my stomach is tight and my fists are clenched. I notice that my heart is pumping fast. I notice that I don't want to be with people right now. I notice that I have a lot of energy that needs to be felt and released. I don't put a story or meaning or judgement on any of those facts. I don't make them mean something about who I am as a person. I am not attached. I just notice everything. Its a delicate place where I feel many emotions, but I'm not judging the feelings and putting any meaning on it. It just is. It's a place of power because I still have my agency and can act for myself instead of being acted upon.
To be honest, this practice requires a high level of self awareness. It requires you to be spiritually awake and not asleep. You are pro-active instead of reactive. When I teach people about meditation I often admit that before having a daily practice of meditation it felt like that space between stimulus and response didn't exist. It was invisible to me. I was always flying into reaction and judgement and couldn't see that space at all. Meditation certainly opened that up for me, and even though I still have moments I react and judge, I notice it.
The amazing thing to me about this ability to observe, is that it is always with you, even in the moments after we react or judge. The moment we start to observe we gain the power to return back to the space of non judgement. I'm working on being able to increase my ability in doing this BEFORE I judge or react instead of AFTER, but it's encouraging to know that we can always return back to the space of non-judgement when we decide we don't want to BE in that reality anymore. It's never too late to become the observer. Even after you've already reacted. Especially after you've already reacted.
One of the most profound experiences I have ever had in being the observer happened to me in 2016. I was suffering from PTSD from nearly dying 18 months earlier from a pulmonary embolism. I had no idea PTSD could be a delayed response. But here I was having regular panic attacks, nightmares, flashbacks, and severe anxiety. I was depressed and would fly into fits of anger. My husband began traveling extensively for work, often times overseas for several weeks at a time leaving me as the unstable solo parent. To say I was in a bad place mentally was an understatement.
Then came the day I hit rock bottom. After screaming at my children like a maniac, I collapsed upon the ground in shame. I felt totally out of control. I lay on the ground sobbing and hating my life. Everything was so hard and I felt trapped and stuck.
Then something wild happened. To this day I believe the universe staged an intervention, because I was not spiritually awake and living in a way that I could be conscious of my thoughts and actions.
What happened? In my imagination I began to view myself from above my body. I could see myself helpless on the ground. I noticed how much I was suffering. I noticed how alone I felt. I noticed I had no strength and felt so weak. I noticed I wasn't getting the self care I needed to be able to thrive. Instead of judging myself for all my failings, and for my lost temper, and for all my anger, I just observed it. I saw myself from the outside of that reality. I felt empathy and compassion. I began to feel love for myself, as I watched myself laying on the ground. Being the observer allowed me to momentarily leave the harsh reality I was living in, and detach from it enough to notice what it was doing to me. From there, I began to tell a new story. I was given a new way to see. That moment was a turning point in my life that allowed me to create the change I needed so I could live in a better reality.
Is it really possible to live without judgement?
My ego certainly thinks I need my judgements to survive. It was taught the only way to safely navigate the world was to judge it. And because we are so often led by ego, I think this is why Jesus adds onto his invitation to judge not that ye be not judged by also inviting us to judge righteously.
It's interesting to note that He doesn't say to judge self righteously.
There is a big difference.
What is righteous judgement? I would offer that righteous judgement allows you to BE in a reality that allows you to love. You can still love yourself or another person regardless of what either of you believe or do. If judgement is putting a meaning or story on something, righteous judgement means I choose to tell a story that will support me being in the reality of love.
Maybe that story is:
"I know it's hard for you right now. I see you."
"I know they are doing the best they can."
"I know I'm doing the best I can."
or my all time favorite mantra, "I love and accept you."
Earlier this week, like a wonderful synchronicity from the Universe, I saw a post on the Faith Matters Instagram quoting Adam Miller who spoke on this same topic. I love it when I see the same message from heaven from someone else at the same point in time. Adam said,
"Unrighteous judgement asks WHO: Who deserves to be loved?
Righteous judgement asks HOW: How must I love?
Unrighteous judgements treats love as a rare reward,
whereas righteous judgement treats love as a moral law.
When I practice unrighteous judgment, I condemn not only others, I condemn myself to expecting and receiving this same kind of judgment.
Having misunderstood what love even is, I condemn myself to living as someone cut off from love.
But when I obey love’s law, when I stop judging who deserves to be loved and exclusively use God’s law to judge how to love, then I have found it."
When Adam says, "having misunderstood what love even is, I condemn myself to living as someone cut off from love." it brings me back to my opening thought... If it has conditions, it's not love.
It isn't love.
It isn't love.
If there are conditions, it's not love. It's judgement. And it's treating love as a rare reward.
But love is not a rare reward. Love is all there is. Love is what the entire earth and planet is made of. Love is what you are made of. It is the most abundant resource in the Universe. But the moment our mind enters judgement, we step into a reality of lack. A reality where love is limited and honestly, where it has become corrupted. Because true love has no conditions. That's what makes it so loving. The ability to love with no expectation of return. The ability to love even when the mind judges yourself or someone else as undeserving. Love is what heals this misperception of the mind and this false reality. Love is the only way out of the reality judgement creates and love returns you back to true reality which is abundance and love with no conditions.
That moment on the mountain top changed me. I suddenly understood what judgement does to me. I saw how it creates my reality. I had left on the walk angry and mad. I had some judgements against other people that were not loving. I could keep those judgements and stay in that reality or I could let them go and enter a better one. I am still practicing this, but I'm getting faster at noticing and choosing to judge righteously instead--which is really just choosing to love instead.
I understand that letting go of judgements can be easier said than done. Especially, if those judgements have been planted and nourished for so long that they have become deeply rooted. Sometimes our judgements start to feel like facts instead of stories. But they're still just a story. They feel REAL because it's the REALITY we're living in. But we always hold the power to create a new reality by choosing love instead.
Letting go of judgement is a practice. And the best place to start is by letting go of judging yourself. Most often, our judgements of others, are really just a reflection of how we are judging ourselves.
I was in a New Moon ceremony last week led by Sarah Jenks, and she invited us to think of a few people in our life whom we were judging. Who were they?
As you listen to this episode right now, I invite you to do the same. Who are three people in your life right now that you are judging?
What are you judging about them?
And then in her next question my reality was revealed. She asked, "How is this judgement really a judgement against yourself?"
So I offer this same question to you... how is this really a judgement against yourself?
Think about this a moment. HOw is your judement of someone else, actually judging something in you?
One person I thought of during this exercise was a beautiful fit Influencer who posts videos of herself working out in her cute sporty outfits and I judge her for showing the world how perfect her body is. How is this judgement really judging myself?
Well, disguised in this judgement is my own insecurity that because my body does not look like hers, I am unloveable. That's the real judgement happening. It's actually all about me. Not her, like I've fooled myself to think.
Another person I thought of was a family member that disagrees with me, and I judge them for being close minded. How is this judgement really about judging myself?
Well, disguised in this judgement is my own fear of being wrong, and if I'm found being wrong, perhaps I won't be loved. That's the real judgement happening. It's actually about me. And it's nearly always about not being loved. Hello conditional love and judgements. They go together. And they also bring suffering.
I've said this before, and it bears repeating...
Living in unconditional love does not require you to learn anything. It is your natural state of being. This is who you were as a new baby before you learned conditions. Living in unconditional love does not require you to learn anything, but it does require you to unlearn. Most especially, it requires you to unlearn judgement.
The best place to begin is to let go of judging yourself.
My fastest way to do this is to simply swap my judgements for an empowering mantra. Here's a few quick favorites:
I love and accept you.
You're doing the best you can.
I love you just the way you are.
There isn't anything to fix.
You are already whole.
Everything is as it should be.
May you be peaceful.
If you only remember one, remember, "I love and accept you."
"I love and accept you."
"I love and accept you."
"I love and accept you."
Say this to yourself. Say it in your mind to those you judge. You can't overdo this mantra. Say it all day long.
If you notice a judgement come into your mind, become the observer. If you need a new story for a new reality, remember the mantra, "I love and accept you."
Mantras are so powerful because they can tell an entire new story in only a few words. Your mind isn't usually in a creative space to think up a new story in the moment of judgement, so having a mantra in your back pocket is super useful. "I love and accept you" will work for every judgement, because every judgement basically comes down to putting conditions on love.
So my friend, I invite you to live in the reality of unconditional love. All that is required is to let go of your judgements. Love is already who you are, only the mind is what blocks you from experiencing this. You're not broken. There's nothing wrong with you. There's nothing about you that needs to change. All that needs to change is the mind.
You are love.
The light in me honors the light in you.
Namaste.
Hello friend, If you enjoy this podcast, it would mean so much if you would take the time to rate, review, and subscribe. This is a brand new podcast and this does so much for helping this podcast to grow and reach more people.
As a thank you, I have also created a free "I love and accept you" meditation for you to practice. Meditation is my favorite tool for training my mind to let go of judgement and be the observer so I can return to a reality of unconditional love. Simply download the Co Create app from your App Store and you'll find it waiting for you in the Free Meditations on the app. You can find a link to Apple or Google app stores in the shownotes of this episodes. Remember, You are love. Namaste.
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