foreign
[Music]
ladies and gentlemen
Guys and Dolls and everyone in between
gather round
something real nice to sip on and comfy
to slip on
cause it's time for smut Club
here's your hosts Chelsea and Anna
[Music]
hey everybody Welcome to smut Club where
we talk about the pressure of clapping
I hated that yep I'm Hannah and I'm I'm
Chelsea I'm sorry
so we're starting off really strong we
are and to be totally honest
that's probably the energy we need to
bring to this book review today
I meant to tell you before we started
please ask any questions that you have
because my outline doesn't make sense
because the book doesn't make sense but
maybe
through your questions we can maybe we
can make sense of it okay so my job here
is really to help you process this book
yes to being a cohesive yes unit of art
yeah yeah no pressure so this is a soul
to keep by opal rain
um
it is a monster Romance
okay all right so in this like
universe that we are in
there are demons
that eat people and
this girl Raya lives in a village and
they all believe that she's cursed
because her whole family was killed by
demons but she somehow survived
so instead of being like Oh my gosh
we're so glad that you're okay they were
like cursed so it's like a reverse Harry
Potter
yes like when he survived he's the
chosen one and when she survives she's
cursed and if that's not modern day
misogyny I don't know what it is
precisely
so there are there's this other kind of
like demon hybrid thing called a dusk
Walker
dust or dusk dusk okay like like the Sun
is setting it is now it's dusk it is
dusk with a hard k sorry about the hard
K I just really wanted to make sure to
just spit a little
you're welcome
so there are dusk dusk Walkers
um that are some kind of like demon
hybrid thing and one of them
every 10 years goes to he has this
rotation of villages okay so he goes to
a different village and gets a a bride
and then cast a protection spell on the
village to protect them from other
demons
my my mic just wobbled I didn't even
touch it you didn't Hannah can attest
the fact that I did not touch it I can't
apparently this is just where this mic
has wanted to live
I moved it up my husband moved it down I
moved it up it moved on on its own so
this is where this mic lives now
and that's okay it is okay well that's
nice of him to cast a protective
but where what happens to the wives
that's a great question
so
no one knows
[Laughter]
great question no answer
so
every 10 years he shows up at a
different village and gets a new bride
and there are all these like urban
legends essentially about where the
bride what happened to the other Brides
but Raya has been voluntold by the
village that she's gonna be the bride
this time
and she's like honestly I don't want to
do that but also I don't really want to
live here because it's sort of like a
full Amish shun like they don't
acknowledge her existence and if they do
they just throw things at her or like
you know like they make it really
difficult for her to live yeah she's
like I mean
choosing the best of two bad options is
really where she's at right being a
monster bride could ultimately be be a
better life she's like well maybe I'll
just go with him and then run later and
start over in a different place where
nobody knows that I'm like cursed or
whatever maybe it'll be a really nice
like Sister Wives situation and she'll
become besties with all of the other
Brides that could be but that's not what
happens
so the dust Walker version
it he he shows up it's a whole thing
um he so it goes back and forth between
her perspective and his okay so
um
she uh
nobody has ever like she's like 26 I
think and nobody's ever really touched
her or interacted with her like in any
way since her family died and so she is
resentful understandably she's pretty
angry but apparently demons can smell
fear
and so when the dusk Walker shows up his
name is Orpheus
when Orpheus shows up he's like she
doesn't smell like fear that's really
weird
um because fear makes him hungry and he
eats people
so
oh but is that
this is gonna be a weird question is
that the same as being sexually
attracted to them or fear just makes him
hungry and then he eats so it's not like
a weird situation where it's like that
he gets like horny based on the fear he
just gets hungry he just gets hungry
okay and like flies into a rage and just
starts eating people
well so this is actually a best case
scenario right we love this we do and
he's like well okay I guess she's coming
with me that sounds good so he cast the
protection spell he has like an
Antelope skull for a head
okay and he doesn't have eyeballs who
needs him he has orbs that glow
different colors based on his mood his
like standard is like a light blue color
glowing orb does she have a color key to
his mood ring eyes she does not she will
eventually start to piece it together
got it um so he's like super tall he's
wearing human clothing human type
clothing and she's like
I guess we're doing this and he's like
come along and just like starts walking
through the woods and she's trying to
keep up with him and really can't
um because she's in like a wedding dress
and little slippers in the snow trying
to like run to keep up with him
the The Village put her in a wedding
dress
to present her to him
thank you you could see it on my face I
could yeah you're like
like they were like hey this monster bro
is going to show up any day now so
here's a wedding dress to just really
signify that
you're the one you're the one yeah okay
and they presented him with other
options too because they were like he
might not want the cursed one she's
cursed after all and he was like no I
want that one so it was a whole thing
that I didn't feel the need to go into
detail for but you know that's fair so
um
his whole thing though is that the bride
has to be willing they cannot be coerced
and so he's like asking like are you
willing before he takes her and she's
like yup sure am I'm totally willing The
Village leader is behind her like giving
her like this stink eye like don't [ __ ]
this up for us
um and so in orpheus's perspective he
just wants companionship he's just super
lonely he's been alive for hundreds of
years and he's just like I just I just
want somebody to come hang out with me
like that's literally it
but all of his his offerings in the past
because he's had both male and female
Brides offerings whatever
they will either try to run from him and
get really scared and then he eats them
or which he feels super bad about he's
a very weird juxtaposition because he
has the most like cinnamon roll energy
ever but he eats people and so it's a
very difficult thing to get around but
he feels really bad that he's eating all
these people right so
um or they try to run from him and he
has a home that has all this protection
around it they get outside the
protection and then other demons will
eat them and it like really upsets him
every single time
so he's like I may not so he hasn't
wanted to have to replace no bestie
bride no
um and so he's like you know
I don't know how much longer I can keep
doing this because this is really
[ __ ] depressing like
but I don't want to be alone so I guess
I'm just gonna keep doing it and here we
are here's Raya let's let's go I guess
so
um
she keeps falling trying to run to keep
up with him and eventually he just like
Scoops her up with one arm he's huge
like Scoops her up with one arm and like
covers her with his cloak
to like keep her warm and she's like
well that's kind of nice and like falls
asleep because he's like rocking her
essentially while he's walking she falls
asleep a little bit
um she wakes up it felt really safe well
apparently we're really tired it had
been a long day
um so she wakes up at one point because
he starts like snarling she's like the
[ __ ] is that these demon Hunters show up
and they're like finally we're gonna
kill the dusk Walker and he is
cursed apparently when he gets injured
he will also fly into a rage so they
shot him with an arrow or something and
he lost his [ __ ] mind and
um one of the she's like oh awesome like
can you take me to a new Village she's
like demon Hunters don't seem so bad
let's go and one of them is like your
bait [ __ ] shut up and she's like nope I
didn't like that like that's not how I
thought this was gonna go so Orpheus
eats all of them
and she starts running from him and then
she remembers that earlier he had said
something about he likes the chase like
or whatever so she's like what would
happen if I just stop
so she does she just stops and he like
tackles her his eyes are bright red
and he opens his his Jaws his antelope
jaws and basically puts her entire head
in his mouth and she just starts
laughing
and he licks her face
and he's like you don't taste like food
she's like
okay
I'm glad
yeah I mean how do you how are you
supposed to take that I don't know man
when you're
you've been told that you're food yeah
and then he's like ew well it wasn't you
it was just like a huh you don't taste
like food he didn't seem disgusted he
just was like I don't want to eat you
I stand by my ill because quite frankly
if I am about to Chow Down on someone
and then I go oh that's not food ew
it's really more how I had that in my
head I'm comfortable with that we could
stick with it
um so after all of this
um
he
uh he picks her back up they walk they
go to What's called the veil which is
where all the demons live so they get to
the veil and he's like you need to be
silent because if any of the Demons know
there's a human they're gonna come at
you so be silent don't move she's
covered by his cloak
and he's like none of them are going to
approach because they're terrified of me
because I will [ __ ] a demon up no
problem because he's basically
indestructible because she had been all
worried about well you got shot with
arrows like Let Me patch you up and he
was like well that's super cute that she
wants to patch me up I'm I promise I'm
fine but it did nothing yeah
um apparently they heal within 24 hours
so whatever injury a dust Walker has
pretty much of any kind will heal
automatically even if you cut their head
off their body will grow back in 24
hours so how do you kill one
by cracking their skull we will
eventually learn that that's the only
way sorry to it's a crush a skull to
take that from future you it's okay it
doesn't it's not a big reveal you know
so
um
he's like it's endearing to him that she
wants to take care of him so he's like
well that's really sweet
um but he they get back to his home and
she's thinking he's gonna bring her back
to a cave or something but he has a
really cute little cottage
and she's like oh oh
there's like a vegetable garden oh
there's like
furniture and a hearth for her to cook
on so I am a little you said that it
wouldn't make sense
I'm tracking and he seems so endearing
he is really endearing and honestly
maybe it's that
okay total honesty I did not want to
outline this book like deep within my
soul I didn't want to do it so take a
sip of alcohol I will I will do that
thank you for take an alcohol thank you
for inviting me to do you've been
talking so much you haven't had a chance
so
I looked everywhere I could think of to
find an outline for this so I didn't
have to do it
because
we'll get to the part that I really
didn't want to deal with but I was like
I'm just I looked on Reddit I was
Googling all kinds of [ __ ] couldn't find
anything I downloaded nor no less than
four
[ __ ] AI Bots
to outline it everything I've like just
wanted to see if you're at GPT could
like outline a book for me
it'll say it's the title and author and
it is always the wrong book correct yeah
so I was deeply disappointed by that but
most okay
I should take it back the story does
largely make sense it's the details of
it that are like
um okay uh
I actually really liked the story it was
just some of the details were like why
did we
we made a choice but why was that the
choice we made I see you know yeah so
she gets to the house
he has all these like little Trinkets
and stuff hanging up and like Circles of
stuff on the ground and it's all
protection for for the home from the
demons
um and
um
she's like super confused that he has a
house so she's like what the hell is
this and he's like oh
I had a companion about 200 years ago
and she wanted a home and so I built it
for her and she's like oh what happened
to her and he's just like she's gone I
ate her
no it's worse
holy [ __ ] it's worse
to me I think it's worse was worse for
Orpheus but
um
so
um he's very particular with her like do
not go outside these boundaries like
don't touch the little like charms and
stuff don't do anything like just stay
safe
um but he's like obviously she's not
scared of me but she doesn't like me
either like I don't think that she's
gonna stick around
um
so she tries to run she doesn't make it
far because demons
um
he gets her into the house and
um he fills up a bathtub with his blood
I see the pivot okay
yeah no keep going
so he he like she describes he like cuts
his wrist and like starts bleeding over
the tub and does some weird chant thing
and then the tub fills with water
because he's Magic
and he's like you can't drink this
but you can bathe in it
and she's like okay well I'll take he he
pulled a reverse Jesus
I guess but it wasn't wine it was blood
right yeah a reverse Jesus with a
different liquid
yes correct yeah
don't drink this water though it is of
my body don't drink it this really
brings us back to that what would ill
what would your communion yeah what
would your communion be if you were a
deity
oh
so
she's like okay well thank you like I'm
really excited to take a bath and he's
like no you don't understand I have to
bathe you and she's like no I don't
think we're doing that like thank you so
much for offering but I can bathe myself
he's like no you don't understand you
have human smell all over you demons are
gonna be like beating down the door
essentially I have to do a spell over
you while I bathe you to hide your scent
and she's like
no
I'm not doing that and he's like super
adamant about it so eventually she gives
in he leaves his gloves on the whole
time he's super respectful she's like
this is the weirdest [ __ ] thing that
has ever happened to me and I don't like
it this is the weirdest
she's had a lot of things happen to her
and not saying that when it's normal
it's more she's like waiting for him to
do something like she's waiting for him
to like eat her or touch her in a way
she doesn't want or something and he's
just really sweet the whole time yeah
like
it could pivot but at present I feel
like I'm [ __ ] with Orpheus yes I do
[ __ ] with work he is actually super
duper sweet he's like out here trying
his best and wants to be seen and known
in love like
all beings do right not humans
like all beings they just want to be
seen and known and loved yeah like
Brandon
us my sweet dog precious boy I was a
couple drinks in I'm about a week or two
ago and started crying to fans about how
much I love our cat
and then I was like Vance he's the
longest relationship of my life
which is true yeah because I've had
Craig just turned nine earlier this
month and I've had him since he was a
kitten so yeah I'm like
he's the longest relationship of my life
and Vance was like don't you love
Brandon and Craig equally and I'm like
almost equally yes I was like but
there's like a point zero zero zero zero
one percent that like Craig edges out
just because like
he was like he was my cat before I had
Brandon you know what I mean yeah he's
the ride or die I get it yes Craig is my
little red or die literally he rides
around on my shoulder and it happened
again we were in another work meeting
like a really serious like
all of the higher ups like our chief
medical officer everyone is on this link
[ __ ] Craig pops up on my shoulder and
even our chief medical officer oh a cat
okay like yep yep this is Craig yeah
um but no I
bran although like Craig is my red or
die I do feel like Brandon wants to be
seen and known and loved more than Greg
once that is accurate just when he leans
on me it makes me feel really special it
makes me feel seen and he does that
little thing where he like rests his
like he nuzzles with his chin yeah which
is really saying something because he's
a pug so he doesn't have a lot of chin
or job I have to work with
he is using what he has and we can
appreciate that he just does this little
like chin rest over like he'll do it on
the couch on your shin when he's sitting
between your legs and it's just
the purest moment my pit bull does that
she'll like come over and lay her head
on my shoulder and I'm just like yep
I'll die for you absolutely yep yeah
yeah well also when I had those few
drinks and I was telling Vance about how
obsessed I was with my cat
not a YouTuber
um she is hairless hey hey is hairless
his name is Greg
my husband just walked into the room as
I made that too
um
my husband was like so I know you really
love Brandon and Craig but just to be
clear should there ever be an emergency
you will say Ford first right I was like
yes honey I'm not a monster I'm going to
save my human child
before I saved my cat I was like however
in a perfect world
I'm a superhero and can save all three
in a perfect world Vance would be paying
enough attention that he could get the
kid and you can get the cat
right and like we will both be present
and we can help each other out if it is
just on me
My Hope Is I can save all three yeah
absolutely
but Vance was like okay I just needed to
like make sure he's like I just needed
it he goes I just needed to hear the
words from your mouth that you would
save forward first I'm like
what do you think of me I was just like
what he's like you're a great mom what
are you talking about I was like did you
actually think it needed to be said he's
like Chelsea I don't think you
understand how emphatically you were
talking about
I understand yeah I do you feel the same
about your pets I do I do Fred
is absolutely the best thing that's ever
happened to anybody ever and so that's
that's that yeah Fred I know precious
how are Fred's meds doing lately Fred's
meds are good Fred's meds are good she
still smells like bacon bits
and she's just living her best life she
fell off of the windowsill into our
bathtub in our master bathroom
so now we don't really have a tub in our
master bathroom anymore because my
husband filled it with blankets and an
old egg crate and pillows so that when
she falls because she's a little bit
high on phenobarb and Gabapentin when
she falls she will have a cushioned
Landing
[Music]
I know also I would like to go back
really fast to the hairless cat joke I
made because I would like to be very
clear that that is Craig's breed type
he's like Devin Rex I do not shave him
um
you didn't try out one of those at home
laser treatments on him
no although my parents do buy me one of
those every like couple of years for
Christmas
and by every couple years it may be like
once a decade but they've definitely
bought me two different more than one
foam laser everything
first I remember they bought me the
first one over a decade ago I was in
grad school
but I remember it because it just it
singed your hair with the leather and my
roommate came in and she's like why does
our apartment wreak a burned hair and
I'm like
I don't know I'm so sorry I did it
I didn't know that was gonna happen we
couldn't get the smell out for like a
week I was like I'm so sorry Lauren I
had no idea that is a really bad smell
yeah yeah
and they bought me another one I think
in the last year or two and then by the
time I was like maybe I'll try this I
was pregnant and it was like the box was
like we cannot State clearly enough do
not use this if you are with child huh
I was like I have some questions about
if I should be using it without child
right
I'm saying
I'm gonna google that later I have
questions yeah yeah I I apparently have
more questions than I realized I didn't
know I had them until this moment okay
so they're doing the bath blood to water
bathing
ritual thing
um
so
lots of little things happen where
they're like
after this where they start to get to
know each other a little bit better
um
she he has like her own little room set
up for her
um he uh gets her she he has stuff in
the house for her to like sew so she can
make some clothes for herself and like
her little garden
she said she wanted to eat in the garden
in the sunshine because it doesn't the
sun doesn't shine as often in the veil
as it does in the regular world and so
she's like well when the sun is out I'd
really like to be in it you know
and he's like okay so he builds her
little table outside so she can eat in
her garden and I know like he go he
leaves her for a couple of days to go
hunting and like bring food back for her
and all this stuff
um and she starts to see like different
colors in his eyes and she's starting to
like connect things so she asks him to
teach her how to make the charms to
protect the house and he's like you
you want to learn from me like nobody's
ever asked that
and she's like you've been collecting
Brides for 200 years and no one has ever
asked to learn that's dumb well
maybe if they had she wouldn't be there
because they'd be alive maybe so so they
do all of that she makes him like
little
decorations for his antlers like with
some of the stuff that they're making
charms out of and so his eyes turn like
bright yellow which apparently means
he's really happy
um and she's like well that's super cute
um
so uh
they are getting to know each other a
little bit more he explains he's hungry
all the time like he's never satisfied
even after he eats
um and like she she's really confused
about why he takes Brides in the first
place and he's like well
the only way for me to be satisfied for
me to be full is for a human to give me
their soul
and I've I've given up on a human ever
doing that now I just would like someone
to hang out with me like that's it
um and so she's really like softening
towards him will it kill the human
no the human will have eternal life
do they share the soul
so he doesn't give her any more detail
he doesn't seem to know how it works
this is the first time I'm annoyed with
you I know he doesn't seem to know how
it works either
um I mean to his credit no one's ever
given him their soul before so how would
he fully know he's like do I hold it I
don't know yeah I'm like
maybe we could strike a mutually
beneficial deal writer right
um but he doesn't even approach that
like he doesn't ask her he he just tells
her the information
um
so he he's continuing to protect her
super sweet
um the baths have to happen like either
once a day or once every couple of days
I don't remember
um and so they wasn't a one and done no
so they start to get more like sexy
time-ish oh
um where he's just lingering a little
bit longer and things like that and she
is excited by that she's like am I
attracted to this Antelope headed person
I've never seen his whole body I've
never really seen any other part of him
but also if she was cursed this is
probably the first time someone has paid
a lot of attention to her Doodles and
bits yep so I can't remember how it all
exactly happens
um but at some point she like goes into
his room and he doesn't have a bed he
has like a nest in there that he has
made and um she sees him with his [ __ ]
out and it's huge and has
some Frills on it
though that's the word
not like decorations no I I was
imagining like
cilia like little hairs kind of that's
what I imagined when it said frills
I was thinking of the movie Office Space
with all of the Flair the flare the
pieces of flares when you said Frills I
was thinking his dick has a lot of flair
because it it also has tentacles so she
so it's like wrapped in tentacles he has
a seam
as we have seen in other of the Monster
books I have reviewed he has a seam and
the his dick comes out of it but it's
wrapped in these tentacles because
apparently the a I'm I'm gonna stop
doing emotions the air
I love that you just actually sat on
your hand
his dick doesn't like the air and so
so the tentacles are like protecting it
or whatever
so I like wrapped around it but then she
goes to touch it and the tentacles like
hold on to her hand and she gives him a
handy with his tentacles all up in her
[ __ ] and she's like well this is
interesting and he fingers her at some
point or something
does he have human fingers no
um the way you thought that was like oh
damn no I thought we were gonna skirt
past that one he has retractable claws
so she's like freaked out like
please don't slice me up like oh God yes
which is a valid fear
um
and we learn that as after the sexy
times begin
um and they continue to get to know each
other we learned that he
dusk all dusk Walkers are essentially
born as Darkness like they're amorphous
little dark things and once they start
eating they take on the characteristics
of whatever they've eaten
so the first thing he ate was an
antelope so that's how he got the skull
yeah
so then he she sees more of his body
he's got like fur on it and some
feathers and some fish scales somewhere
he's like a little collage yeah so these
are all the different things he's eaten
and then he he explains that
the first time he ate a human was
essentially an accident because he
didn't have any intelligence he was just
an animal essentially so he just
happened upon a hunter in the woods ate
this human and started to gain knowledge
and empathy and emotion and
understanding and so he continued to eat
humans to build his intelligence and to
become more human essentially huh
so um you are what you eat
is how it
how it all works yeah
so I'm just imagining being the author
of this book and being like how do I
make you are what you eat but sexy
but is it sexy I don't
how did you feel when reading about the
tentacle handy
was there anything about it you were
like oh this is intriguing or were you
like
this is something that I'm reading very
clinically
it's more it was more like
um
watching a nature documentary was it
intriguing yes
did I have questions also yes was I into
it no I'm like okay yeah
um
so I also speaking of Nature
Documentaries oh no
why no no no I don't know because this
book is
it stresses me out so a long time ago
when Snoop did Pleasant at Earth
I showed it to my father who still
thinks it's one of the funniest things
he's ever seen
and tries like we'll just add like like
he thought plazan at Earth was a really
funny title and I think maybe at least
once whenever we see my parents he makes
some sort of like trying to like make us
like a turn of phrase or like a play off
of it but like my dad really [ __ ] with
Santa
and to be fair
I like it more than most major
documentaries I would agree
it's all about the narration and I feel
like they're like we we got this really
Regal sounding narrator David
Attenborough yeah I'm like cool and I'm
just gonna doze off while I walk like
yeah
but when Snoop does it I'm like I'm
invested I'm engaged all the way yes yes
absolutely yeah so if you haven't
watched planet Earth
maybe not 10 out of 10 would recommend
but
did it start as a Kimmel bit
I don't know
I don't know very unnecessary tangent
here
but that's okay just processing out loud
I can appreciate that that's what most
of this is for me right now is trying to
process out loud okay so we learned that
you are what you eat he yep we are and
then
um he there's a demon Town that's like
further into the veil and he is gonna go
there to get supplies and stuff and she
wants to go with him and he's like
absolutely not like it's really not safe
you can't come okay and another dusk
Walker shows up
and he is clearly less he's eaten less
humans than Orpheus he doesn't have a
name and he's like will you give me one
and she's like no
I don't think I will give me one why a
name oh he's she's like I don't I don't
think so but like that's really
important that should be somebody who
like who you really care about should
give you a name right and he's like also
cinnamon cinnamon bun energy where he's
like wanting to touch her and stuff not
to be gross but he's just super curious
because he's never been this close to a
human woman before and so he's like got
all these questions and as soon as she's
like nope nope don't like that he's like
okay I'm like his eyes turn pink like a
reddish pink color which apparently
means they're embarrassed and he's like
I'm really sorry
um and then of course Orpheus comes out
and is like I will literally crack your
skull
don't ever touch her again like get away
um but this little demon is like well I
want
I want a companion too will you teach me
how to build a house and Orpheus is like
no I will not do that and Rey is like
Orpheus like go help him come on
so he takes this other desk Walker they
go to get supplies
um I'm glad he's helping him I honestly
got a little sad for a second well
Orpheus was like
Rey is my focus I'm not I'm why would I
no you're very dumb I had to figure it
out on my own I'm sure you can get there
like well you had to eat a lot of humans
and you can help him and save human
lives exactly just saying Orpheus don't
be a selfish dick he's not he does help
he's not
I just
I just want everyone to be successful we
just want everybody to be happy yes oh
and I forgot in all of this Orpheus is
also training Reya to use a sword for
protection
um okay which is really nice
um so
yep yep yep
um okay so okay
he goes to the demon town he helps the
other dusk Walker he comes back
Raya is adamant that because he can't
his dick is so big he can't get all the
weight in her and she's like but they've
now tried yes okay and I mean they
they've been successful he's just not
fully in like it's a partial situation
for him she's full up but got it that I
was actually wondering that I was like
is that
I was like would more Lube help or does
she just her little human body only has
so much room to give right okay so she's
like
you know I'm like begging him
essentially like I want I want all of
you I want all of you and he's like I
can do that but it's gonna It's Gonna
Change you and she's like
do it like I want you to do it and he's
like are you sure he's like super big on
consent this whole time is like are you
positive are you really sure she's like
yep so while they're banging
he digs his claws into her belly
for like his whole hand
and literally rearranges her guts so
that his whole dick will fit
okay took me a second I've processed I
accept we can move forward
yep yep yep yep
so
after that he like and even before
he can't stop touching her he wants to
be banging her all the time he's like
super obsessed with her and eventually
she's like Orpheus
babe
I need a break and he's like oh
oh so you you don't you don't want to
like you just had to tell me like we
don't have to like I'm really and she's
like sweetheart I literally need a day
for my body to just rest for a moment
that's all I'm asking for like I'm not
saying I don't ever want to have sex
again yeah just like
we've been having sexcation yeah
non-stop Non-Stop
please give me a moment and he's like oh
are you hurt and she's like no and he's
like well let me take care of you and
he's like
making sure that she's okay and like
holding her and you know he asked her to
teach him how to cook for her
um so that he could make her things and
all that stuff it's very very sweet and
he like immediately switches to
caretaker mode
um which she's like I'm kind of
regretting that I told him I didn't want
to bang because this is doing it for me
so
eventually
more stuff happens this book is over 500
pages by the way which is why I'm like
skipping some things yeah okay so I'm
pretty sure I'm hitting all the major
plot points but I'm skipping some things
because it is 500 pages here's the thing
if you miss a major plot point I'd never
know
good point so don't put that much
pressure on yourself thank you because I
will never know because I'm not gonna
read it I probably am not going to pick
this one up when there are seams
involved when they're a sexual scenes
it's I'd say that's more your book
energy than my book energy I did I don't
read a lot of Monster books
and I feel like I've read one or two
but I feel like it's more like I'm like
I'm like dipping a toe right in the
monster water sure right yeah
where I'm like oh
if they were still mostly human that
would really help me conceptualize as
I'm like
testing out the waters I can understand
and
then I think some of the Monster books
that you read and review are just fully
sending it so when we talk about them
I'm like oh I don't know if I'm ready
for that
I'm like oh
I need to be eased in yeah yeah I
understand I mean it's kind of like when
you're reading a like reverse Harem and
you're like we're just gonna start with
three dicks like
we're gonna build I read one book and
there were seven up for them and like
and I feel like three of them had P
names and I just kept confusing all of
them and I'm like there's too many
what did I read the seven sins of snow I
think was like a snow white retelling
where there were seven and I was like
what is hat like I can't logistically
and just
I can't keep track of where all the
dicks are yes you know like it's too
much to track at one point you're like
did I count eight right like wait where
did that one come from or one shows up
and you're like I forgot about that one
holy [ __ ] like
quite frankly
the thought of being personally
responsible
for the pleasure of seven dicks
is exhausting yes
and I'm not saying if I weren't a kept
woman
but like
that's a full-time job kind of I'm not
working if there's an expectation that
I'm sexually pleasing seven men because
you know what I'd like to think that
their incomes combined I was gonna say
able to like I might be able to be
supported yeah because yeah I'm like
there's there's just not enough of you
to go around right and I like read one
of these books and this house out here
like seven dicks deep bacon cakes being
like the town healer and I'm like girl
you are doing the most right now too
exhausting truly like
when do you sleep
right I would be in the bed at all times
like you know where to find me I
understand my job but this is where I
live now well but also it seems like
every time she would go to sleep she'd
wake up with someone in her bed touching
her no stop touching me and I feel like
there would need to be two I would need
two bedrooms right I did like this is
the bedroom that just has an open door
policy
right and this is the bedroom where I
actually sleep and if I'm in that
bedroom don't touch me I need actual
rest yes
seven dicks is just so much
if you're interested in reversing your
room we do recommend starting
with three
with a book with three otherwise it's
too overwhelming
we've also talked about this before but
reverse Harem always makes me laugh when
it's like the college or like yes I'm
like what all of these like 18 year old
high school students or freshmen in
college completely ripped full tats
here's dicks like come on now come on
laughs
okay so back to the monsters clearly
it's easier for me to wrap my brain
around seven ticks than it is with a
sexual scene honestly I don't know which
one is more mythical or unlikely an 18
year old with the kind of sexual prowess
we read in some of these reverse harems
or um sexually confident women you will
ever is this like 18 and you know
I
I should have been more sexually
confident when I you know but I'm like
all of you are just
I was like we we grew up in very
different households if you are this
sexually liberated
I mean good for you yes it's like
[Music]
I was like I don't know also you like
your body just doesn't have enough holes
or hands
you got some feet oh I'm trying to be
like now I'm using
well but if you're using your feet
wouldn't that make it more difficult to
use the holes you do have
yoga
but I do feel like both feet
would have to be for one right yeah
we've we've topped out at six yeah yeah
you're like
I've got three holes
two two hands
and
one foot hybrid
I mean two feet for one dick though so
right right six
technically does your body have other
holes
yeah none that will not not that are
gonna be used for anything but what they
were
designed for originally but what the
Lord intended
that's the line
okay but what the Lord intended
okay on that note where her guts are
rearranged
yep yep okay so that's where we are her
rearranged guts yep
so then
they have to go back to the demon town
she begs and bags and begs and finally
Orpheus agrees to take her
um it takes a few days to get there he
carries her most of the way it's very
sweet
um they get there and she's super
overwhelmed because it's like a little
city and they're just all these demons
walking around and what are essentially
human clothes and Street vendors selling
human meat and she's like what the [ __ ]
is happening right now well Orbeez
didn't want to take you yeah there was a
reason
uh she's a little overwhelmed
um and then
um Orpheus keeps like panicking that the
demon king is going to see her or find
out about her and is he not allowed to
have a human companion
so he is okay like the demons can
essentially do whatever they want for
the most part but he's worried because
the Demon King hates the dusk walkers
because
he's trying to build an Army and the
dusk Walkers all refuse to be a part of
it and because they're essentially
indestructible The Demon King doesn't
know how to kill them he hasn't found a
way to do it and so he is just pissed
that he can't control them so he's
worried that the Demon King will do
something to Raya out of spite
um
so she meets some demons who are really
nice
um there is a giant white owl that is
following them around and like leading
Reya places
um leads her to a bookstore it's a whole
thing
um apparently the white owl is like a
friend protector of Orpheus she's the
one that taught him how to plant the
garden and stuff so Hedwig yes
she also can transform into a human
though so okay well maybe less like
Hedwig in that regard yeah but um I
stand by it yes and he
um yeah she showed Orpheus
um a lot of what he knows about humans
about how to plant the garden and what
they need and that kind of stuff
um so then Orpheus
they finally get home they get their
supplies I'm sure there's other drama
um
they get home and Orpheus shares the
story of the original woman that he
built the house for and he explains that
he really he really loved her a lot he
thought and that's why he built this
house for her but
um she was always really miserable and
only ever wanted material things from
him jewelry and whatever and he did
everything that he could to keep her
happy and they were together for five
years but then at some point she left
him for the Demon King
so he shares the whole story and then
Reya starts crying and he's like what
what's happening why what's happening
and she's like I'm just so sorry that
happened to you and he's like you're
crying for me and it's this really sweet
moment where he's like you do care and
it's a nice little connection that they
have
um I feel like she had children she
cared before that I think that he was
afraid to believe that because he
believed it about this original woman
and then she like really destroyed his
heart and basically told him he was a
monster and she never wanted him to
touch her and like all this other stuff
and he does reveal I can't remember when
he reveals it but
he reveals that um he had never had sex
with any of his other offerings until
Reya
um we just had to rearrange her guts we
just had to rearrange her guts yeah I
don't know why the other ones weren't
more open to that
I do I very clearly do that was me
making a joke but absolutely [ __ ] not
if my organs have to be rearranged yeah
is too big
it's too much commitment
um
maybe if we've been married a long time
and it's still an ongoing issue right we
haven't found a workaround
I don't know if we're getting to
marriage yeah yeah okay sorry I'm just
what happens next
um so she's very touched that like he
hasn't slept with anyone ex other than
this other original woman he hasn't had
sex with anybody in like 200 years so
um she's like oh maybe that's why he
wants to do it five times a day every
day forever basically uh so some more
time goes by more Sweet Moments between
them Orpheus goes to get her some water
that she can drink and cook with because
the the blood water the blood water
won't do it
um and so he leaves her at the cottage
and then the Demon King shows up at the
cottage to take Reya away and
um Raya does try to fight him but
he's the Demon King he's the Demon King
he's still very early in her training
correct okay and so she's unsuccessful
so when he's on his when Orpheus is on
his way back he can smell the demon king
and starts to flip the [ __ ] out and so
he's like running around looking for her
I can't find her
um and so
um he's like well maybe maybe she left
me like the other one did maybe maybe
everything was a lie maybe she didn't
really want to be here and then he's
like wait wait wait no she kisses me the
other one never kissed me she holds me
the other one never did that she smiles
at me for me not just when I give her
things like she really cares about me
she wouldn't have just left me
um and so he loses his [ __ ] and starts
running back to the demon city
so the Demon King can teleport
um his name is Jabez
um Jabez can teleport and so she's
transported back to the castle and
there's this human woman there
and
um she's like this human woman is like
you're free now we've set you free
you're gonna be okay the nightmare is
over and she's like what the [ __ ]
what is happening right now like
no I didn't get my guts rearranged for
nothing
to not get [ __ ] down by Orpheus every
night
get your head out of your ass random
human lady right that's not no that's
not why we're here
so she's like
clearly I'm not safe clearly these
people are [ __ ] nuts so I'm just
gonna play along here and like Orpheus
will come for me
so
the woman is like well come here you
know take a take a bath you know wash
off that disgusting spell that he put on
you like blah blah blah and she's like
how does she know so much about him hmm
weird is it the original it is so she
um doesn't give her any privacy really
after she gets out of the bath and so
Reya is like going to get dressed again
and the woman is like staring at the
scars on her belly from where he
um rearranged her guts and
um she's like I knew it I knew that
you'd had sex with him and she's like
what are you talking about and like
trying to cover up as quickly as she can
and she's the woman is like totally
misreading everything and she's like you
don't have to be ashamed of what he made
you do and she's like what are you
talking about like she's like no this
isn't like a Stockholm no like I asked
him to do this I don't understand and
she's like well I get it because it
happened to me and she like lifts her
dress her name's Katarina she has the
same scars and she's like and now the
only person that can even sort of maybe
get me off is Jabez because he has a
huge [ __ ] but no human's ever going to
do it for me and even with Jabez it's
pretty [ __ ] hit or miss at this point
so she's like I'm
she's like really I'm sexually
frustrated by my own choices basically
she's like so I'm really sorry that
you're gonna be stuck [ __ ] demons
forever because
like you're never it's not going to work
with a human anymore she's like
perfect because I want to keep [ __ ]
my demon literally the whole point here
so um
Rey is super confused and she's like how
are you still alive that was 200 [ __ ]
years ago and apparently she made a deal
with Jabez for him to keep her alive
so
um
she
yeah she really believes that she's
doing Raya all kinds of favors like she
really thinks she is
um
and then
Reya realizes Katarina was so like
basically full of herself and just kind
of a [ __ ] that she never communicated
anything with Orpheus because she's like
oh he forced himself on me all the time
and Rey is like did you ever like let
him know that you weren't in the mood or
did she ever
say no and she's like I couldn't say no
like
I did like pretty regularly he was cool
like he just made me soup right like if
I said I didn't want to [ __ ] he'd be
like okay here's a present like honestly
right right she's like okay whatever you
say
um so
um
apparently
Katarina and Jabez have been watching
orpheus's house for quite some time they
can't see inside but they could see
outside
and so
um
yeah so
I covered all this except the demon king
is half elf
so he's half elf and half demon and he's
from A Different World
okay because he's a hybrid his home
world was like
they hated him there and so he opened a
portal took a bunch of demons with him
so that he could grow their numbers and
their strength and then go back and take
over his home world so he has all this
magic and stuff because he's half elf
which is why he can teleport and all
that other stuff
um
so
essentially they took Reya to get
Orpheus to the castle because Katarina
part of the deal she made with Jabez was
that um she would be allowed to kill
Orpheus someday once they learned how to
kill a dusk Walker she'd be allowed to
kill him and so
um really it had nothing to do obviously
with rescuing Raya it was about getting
Orpheus to the castle so
um
Raya
stands up and is like absolutely not
like he's he's kind and caring and you
guys are [ __ ] nuts and blah blah blah
and Katarina gets pissed and she's like
well here's what we're gonna do
I was just gonna go ahead and kill you
but now you are going to watch while he
picks me over you
you're just a cheap replacement for me
anyway like he's been looking to replace
me all these years blah blah blah so
you're gonna watch
and then
we're gonna feed you to him and then I'm
going to kill him like
she did like a whole villain
she really covered that whole monologue
full villain monologue about it so
um
then uh we flipped Orpheus he's super
confused super upset and he's terrified
of what's happening to Reya while he's
not there so he gets to the castle he
finds Katarina
um Katarina tells him that Raya agreed
to be her replacement for the Demon King
so that Katarina could go back with
Orpheus she's like I know you've been
wanting me all these years and Reya made
that possible for us
also that's not the same as him choosing
no so no no no
um so he's like he feels super betrayed
that Reya would do that and then he's
like so but did she I need to talk to
her like I'm not interested in talking
to you I need to find her so then
Katarina gets more and more angry and
breaks one of the little like
decorations that Reya made for his
antlers and so he loses his [ __ ] he's
like Rhea told me she'd be really upset
if they got broken or anything happened
to them and Katarina broke it like why
would you do that like he's really upset
that Rey is gonna be upset like that's
why he's mad
um so then
um she suddenly appears the Demon King
had had her cloaked in the room to watch
this whole thing so um he couldn't or if
he's couldn't see her smell her so she
suddenly appears because apparently she
nailed him in the seam which is the same
as nailing him in the balls to get him
to let go of her so that she could run
after Orpheus so she's like sprinting
full force at him and she looks really
angry and he's like she must be really
upset about the Bell from my antler he's
like oh no
but it turns out Katarina is behind him
with a knife and she was about to crack
his skull but I forgot to mention they
kidnapped another desk Walker and like
figured it out at some point yeah you
kill him tortured him repeatedly until
they figured out how to kill him
so she um tackles Katarina to the ground
then
Orpheus fights Jabez Reya fights
Katarina big fight scene
um lots of things happen eventually Reya
kills Katarina and
um Orpheus tells the Demon King he's
like listen we are evenly matched like
it's not gonna happen you're not gonna
kill me clearly I'm not gonna kill you I
want to go the [ __ ] home I'm not
interested in doing this anymore
and just let me live in peace bro right
like I have no desire to lead a
revolution I just want to go home
so
um Jabez is pissed and he's like listen
your human killed my human unfucking
acceptable so Orpheus had been like
scooping Raya up to like leave with her
and sets her down because he thinks
Jabez is gonna like teleport at him
again so he sets her down so he can be
ready but instead of teleporting he
throws the knife like into Reyes back
and
um he the Demon King's like fair is fair
[ __ ] mine's dead yours is dead but you
better hope she dies really fast because
with all the blood she's bleeding your
hunger's gonna come out real quick I'd
really hate if you hate her while she
was still alive
what the [ __ ]
like
ew wow wow horrifying
he doesn't sound like he should really
be leading people no he does not sound
like a leader of
demons as I say leader of men but he's
not
no no
yeah it seems like he has some selfish
motivators that are not for his people
no no he clearly doesn't give a [ __ ]
about a single person ever
so
um
yes
Reya is dying she's like on the ground
bleeding a lot
um and he it's so sad he's like begging
her not to leave he's like you promised
you wouldn't leave me like you promised
like please don't and she's like not
really sad that she's dying
because when he had told her about
eventually like through all this she'd
been like do I want to give him my soul
she's like I don't really want to live
forever I don't really it's not that I
don't want to be with Orpheus it's that
I like I don't particularly want eternal
life it hasn't been great up to this
point like yeah I'm not really
interested in prolonging it but she's
like man I really don't want to leave
him like he's gonna blame himself and
he's you know she's like you'll find
another you'll find another companion
and he's like but they won't be you and
they won't make me Trinkets and they
won't and he's like listing all these
things about her and she's like
um
she declares her love
um
and so she's not dying that quickly no
but it's happening with a quickness now
that she's like declared her love it's
like really happening so then she's like
you know what
how do I give you my soul and he's like
you just have to want to and she's like
okay well
I do so [ __ ] what now like I'm
bleeding out [ __ ] like moving along
so there's this whole thing where she
feels this burning in her chest and this
like light comes out of her and she like
holds it up to Orpheus and he eats it
UPS why do you seem so confused about
that Hannah
well well because she's confused about
it and then she's like she's like of
course he ate it he eats everything like
as she's dying so she's like taking her
last breaths and she's like of course he
[ __ ] ate it
and she's like well I guess it didn't
work because this is me I'm out I'm
really sorry like she's like apologizing
to him
and she dies and he's like holding her
it goes to his point of view he's like
holding her in his arms and he's like no
no no no like I did what I was supposed
to do you're supposed to live forever
now like what the [ __ ] is this and she
like turns to Ash like in his arms and
he's like holy [ __ ] like
oh God and so he's like losing his mind
so he's like well maybe maybe she's not
dead like maybe she's still alive
somewhere like I have to go find her so
he like searches the whole castle The
Demon King is heckling him and he's like
I will literally [ __ ] kill you get
away from me I have to find her so he's
running through the woods he goes and
checks his house and she's not there and
he's everywhere and he can't find her
but he can sort of smell her sometimes
and like sort of thinks he can hear her
voice and he's like I'm I've gone insane
like she really is dead like I've gone
nuts but of course she's not dead
um
um how long was she gone like
um it seemed like it was a day or two
okay
um so
she comes to
with Orpheus kind of like over him
while he's running through the woods and
she's like
this is different and new
I am a ghost
she's like hold on because she's like
holding up her hands and she's like well
I'm I'm translucent which is new
um and she's like yelling for him and he
clearly can't hear her and she's like
well what the [ __ ] like what
this is not gonna work and she's like I
really wish I were solid again and then
she becomes solid again but he's moving
so fast he's like gone in the woods and
so some demons show up and eat her
because he took off and doesn't know
that she's there
so she comes to again over top of
Orpheus and she's like well that was a
super unpleasant way to die like
cross that off my list of things to do
in the future because that [ __ ]
sucked don't want to do that again
so she like comes in front of him to
where he can see her ghost and he's like
but this isn't you're not supposed to be
like this how can you be with me if I
can't touch you like like I want to
cuddle like what are we gonna do and
she's like I need you to take me home
and he's like but you're not at home
like your body's not at home I already
looked and she's like I know I
understand I need you to take me home
it's not safe for my body here I need
you to take me home and he's like okay
fine whatever
Sprint's home
to their Cottage okay she becomes
physical again and he like loses his
mind he's like
he is crying she didn't realize he could
cry he's like leaking blood what is his
blood essentially from his little eye
sockets
um because he's so upset about
everything
um and
um
then she he wants to like hold her and
feel her and all this and she's like I
don't
I don't want this like I don't want you
like this
she's like so you're gonna have to catch
me and he's like what the [ __ ] are you
talking about I don't want to chase you
and she's like but I want you to chase
me so she just goes incorporeal over and
over again every time he catches her she
goes incorporeal until he gets really
mad like he gets really mad his eyes are
bright red
um and she he catches her again and he's
like I've got you and
she says
if your dick isn't immediately in my
[ __ ] it doesn't count and goes
incorporeal again eventually he catches
her
they bang it's super violent
um but she's into it that's what she
wanted
um he's still trying to hold back
because he doesn't want to hurt her and
she's like what do you not understand I
literally can't die like [ __ ] go for
it like come on now
give me those crab claws which he does
so
yeah
immediate regret on your face immediate
regret on your face
yeah so then
it's very sweet he takes care of her he
cleans her up they go inside they bang
again but with her on top and they had
never done that before he's like well
I've never done this before with anybody
ever and she's like great well I'm
excited
I'm gonna I'm gonna leave out some of
the details because
just because they don't that yeah it's a
safe space to leave out details I don't
I don't think we need them they don't
need to be said but like his tentacles
hold her while they bang and she's like
can you not do that well I'm trying to
ride you because it's like inhibiting a
lot and he's like I I mean I can but I
really don't like it so she adjusts so
his tentacles are holding her ankles
and She Bangs him and there's lots of
Declarations of Love everything's
amazing and then he's like after they
have their sweet solidifying [ __ ] and
everything
he's like will you make me another Bell
for my antlers and she's like yes of
course I will
um so
honestly
that's really it the owl shows up again
at some point to explain that she's
actually orpheus's mom which is weird
um
of course
obviously Antelope headed man
mother uh of course and she's like
um you better get him to do a spell so
that you don't get pregnant she's like I
can't get pregnant we're not the same
species and she's like well you couldn't
get pregnant before but you're a phantom
now so she can she has two forms you're
a phantom now so you can so you may want
to figure that out
um which is fun thanks owl mom
appreciate it like should I call you mom
owl mom what what do you prefer
um so yeah
that's really it and then she he offers
to go back to the Village to like kill
all the people who were mean to her
um and she's like are you going to eat
them and he's like well I could but that
that will change me and she's like no
he's like well maybe she maybe she
doesn't like me maybe she wants me to be
more human and she's like no we should
give them to the other dust Walker he's
very stupid and could use a little bit
more humanity and he's like oh
I really love that that came full circle
so that's what he does he goes and he he
kills all the people who are mean to her
so
that's the book there is another one
that follows the Dumber dusk Walker
um
so
huh yeah
seems like a perfectly fine
monsters my book
it's the eating people
like like I'm sorry it's
it's the eating people
it's really hard for me to suspend
belief
the eating people seems tentacles Frills
okay not Flair
not Flair but like the eating people was
just
okay it was a central theme and there
was like a constant threat that if she
got scared or got her period he was
gonna eat her because the smell of her
blood would be too much
but look at all that they overcame to be
together
you're right they did yeah okay so
rating system ratings go
I don't know antlers cinnamon rolls
cinnamon rolls Bells we could do Bells
we could do Bells
um
total transparency I gave this book one
star on Goodreads right after I finished
it because I was so like
what the [ __ ] we're just
we're just gonna end with him giving
humans to his buddy to eat that's how
we're gonna end and humans that had it
coming I mean our an argument could be
made Fair
um but yeah total transparency I did do
one star and I think I think that my my
review was something about like
why are we eating so many people
it doesn't matter ironically the way in
which you reviewed this book
verbally right I would have assumed it
was a higher rating
so I liked the story a lot like the
story was really interesting it was like
a Beauty and the Beast thing a little
bit
um and I did like the story but some of
the details were just like like and I
think you left out some of the the
details right so I think that's why I'm
like oh it's not that bad and you're
like but it's really the eating people
Chelsea and I'm like they didn't eat
that many people and you're like oh but
they did there were 500 pages there was
a lot yeah there was a lot and I I left
out some things and some things in the
sex scenes were like
oh no
[Laughter]
and I have I you know I have read some
monster smut that's not the issue
clearly I was just like what no I don't
I didn't like that
um so the story itself the storyline
itself I really liked it was just some
of the details took away from the story
for me okay
um so one star was probably a little bit
harsh well but if it's like Liberty
Bells like those are very large Bells
true and he is a large man are these
more like hand bells like little like
trinkety like well they were like like
Jingle Bells were what were on his
antlers okay
um so I could do I would give it
if I could separate the ratings into
like the story and the the details okay
it would be the story would be like
probably a seven and a half out of ten I
really liked the story damn okay but the
details of it made it like
a two and a half out of ten so if we
split it I guess five out of ten
I was gonna say four out of ten four
five four and a half sure so we'll we'll
bring it to like two out of five two out
of five we can do two and a half out of
five if you feel better eat between a
two and a two and a half
Jingle Bells not Liberty Bells is where
we land on this one yes um let us know
your thoughts let us know what you'd
like us to review next don't forget to
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friends and tell all your friends and
we'll see you next time smart [ __ ] bye
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