foreign
[Music]
hello All You Beautiful People
what time it is
ladies and gentlemen
Guys and Dolls and everyone in between
gather round
something real nice to sip on and comfy
to slip on
cause it's time for smut Club
here's your hosts Chelsea and Anna
hey y'all how you doing today hey
everybody Welcome to smut club I'm
Hannah I'm Chelsea this is where we Day
drink and talk about trashy room
ensembles we read except being pregnant
only Hannah is day drinking and for
clarification too I am the one who is
pregnant
and because she's pregnant she's
drinking for two just to make sure we
clarify this no no I'm not pregnant I'm
drinking for Chelsea in solidarity thank
you I'm I'm drinking
Welch's sangria
while we're not sponsored by Welch's
it'd be a lot cooler if we were yeah we
would also love to be sponsored
by Boda box
um except because I'm not drinking the
box was really old and Hannah poured
like one Sip and a look on her face I
was like we don't we you can just throw
it out you don't need to drink that I'm
so sorry but it sounds like you're the
only one who drinks it
it was it was no longer to quote my
husband Rich rape and smooth nope no
although when I was like cleaning out
the sink I there was like a drop that
like got on my finger and I licked my
finger and I was like son of a [ __ ]
that's good
and then I was like do I have a problem
and I'm like no I I just haven't had
anything to drink in a minute months and
months and months and months and months
not that many months months and months
and months and months and months yeah
girl I said it five times and I'm five
months pregnant so fair enough fair
enough we go pardon me
um all right so today
we are reviewing pen pal by JT Geisinger
um I wish I had alcohol for this well
like I was texting Hannah about this
when I was reading it and was like
I was like Hannah that's a 35 Mark I was
like gonna recommend it and then I'm
like now I'm 60 in and I don't know if I
want to finish it and now that it's
finished I can't decide if I loved it or
I hated it
um
I was also describing it to my husband
around like the 35 Mark I was like okay
it's like this is what this is the
premise and this is what's happening and
like there's ghosts and creepy things
happening and we don't know and she's
like
um
uh like she's not a trustworthy narrator
and we like there's
ghosts and I'm things that's I can't
think of the other word paranormal yeah
that is creatures perfect I'm not drunk
and my husband was like oh so it's like
a sexy Scooby-Doo
I was like yeah
and then it took some turns and I was
like is that sexy or is it weird Okay so
instead of just giving vague things
let's just
please jump let's hop in
setting the scene
Kayla so we meet Kayla
um she is a children's book illustrator
we are meeting her the day of her
husband Michael's funeral oh
um yes like like the book opens she is
at his graveside like someone gives her
like a tissue like people are sobbing
and she's just kind of like shrouded in
grief doesn't really fully know what's
happening
um
we learned that there was an accident on
New Year's Eve but we don't necessarily
know what happened we just know there
was an accident on New Year's Eve she's
at her husband's funeral
um when she gets home there's a letter
like a mail letter to her from
Washington State Penitentiary
um and she's like
who brought the mail in like oh yeah and
she's like
but it's one of those things where she's
like honestly it was probably me she's
like I don't [ __ ] remember I am right
like my husband just died it says not my
priority I probably brought the mail in
our house cleaner Fiona probably brought
the mail in and I just like forgot how
to say out of mind so she opens the mail
and opens this letter and it just
um oh the name on the outside of the
envelope is Danton Alighieri what a name
what a name and I'm probably butchering
that last name there's a lot of [ __ ]
vowels in it
I'm like
I saw a tick tock yesterday where this
guy went through words in the English
English language that he feels like
should be spelled differently because
dyslexia yeah and it started with tongue
yes I stopped watching after tongue but
I saw that Tick Tock well by the end he
said I feel like the English language
should be like Wheel of Fortune you have
to pay more for a vowel this [ __ ] is
stupid
it's pretty funny and accurate yeah yeah
like
I saw something in the last week that
was like the word q is just the letter Q
followed by a bunch of vowels that are
unnecessary very much so very much so
so this letter is from Washington State
Penitentiary
um the name return address is not
Dante
this is gonna be fun I am I'm having fun
all right so I'll say I used to think
like when people would talk about
pregnancy brain that it wasn't I was
like that's just people being dramatic
it's the realest thing like I I will
like even when I was outlining this book
I would look down at what I wrote and I
would like be getting words mixed up and
like I'm like no like I know the order
but I'm like I was just typing really
fast and like
speaking is difficult and I forget words
and we'll get through it we will so
Dante not daunton
sucks to be you if your name is daunted
damn
um Danton alligary you said it again
just call him D or something Jesus my
husband's in the corner just like
nodding at Hannah
we're not that far in and this is
[ __ ] brutal
Dante damn it Dante Dante Dante
Alighieri I got it right that time right
you did you did so good so
Dante Alighieri has is the name on the
return address
um and the letter just says I'll wait
forever if I have to
uh and she's like
the [ __ ]
like I mean is it addressed to her
specifically yeah okay so this wasn't
like
dropped off at the wrong house or the
wrong address or something no it is like
addressed to her
from the State Penitentiary and she's
like what is
I don't I don't know what's happening so
you know I think as a lot of us do it
felt like a really human moment
she was shrouded in grief gets this
creepy letter and so she poured herself
a really large wine good for her drink
it went to bed
um when she wakes up in the morning
there's a like huge leak in the kitchen
and we find out
um before Michael passed away they had
bought this like 5 000 square foot
Victorian house that was like beautiful
and wonderful and they were gonna like
fix up together but it was definitely a
project house that took a lot
um
so she's like getting buckets to fix the
Bleak and then Fiona comes in Fiona is
her housekeeper who we are meeting and
like Fiona sees her and is like shocked
and she's like oh like are you are you
staying here like after like with like
whatever gonna happen like losing like
you're staying here
because and Kayla's like I mean like
yeah like for now like it's a lot of
house but like
it's mine it's mine I live here like I
probably don't need 5 000 square feet to
myself and I was I mean I was thinking
about it when I was reading it because
my husband like our house is like 2200
square feet on a basement that is
roughly
an extra thousand
um and a lot of like the basement is
like storage and such but
I was like
God forbid something ever happened to my
husband our house is way too [ __ ] big
for me I'm like and that's like a whole
extra house yeah like I was like I I
don't even know what I do with 5 000
square feet if my husband were alive
which she is
thankfully I love you
we should we should get him a mic at
some point because he sits there and
definitely has great commentary to be
added
um so Kayla's like yeah Fiona I'm
staying here like maybe not forever but
this is where I'm at for now
um Kayla decides to write Dante back
and is like
what are you waiting for
he's like I'll wait forever and she's
like
for what for for what color me intrigued
like what's this letter for like what is
this supposed to be
um then a week later she gets a response
and the letter just says you
well
okay
that's not I don't feel good about that
neither did she so she just put the
letter in her underwear drawer and moved
on with her life she's like okay that
does not dignify a response yes she's
like that's unsettling I don't know what
to do with this so she's like I'll just
put these letters in my underwear drawer
and pretend like I don't have them and
move on then over the next week like
we are getting haunted Victorian Mansion
vibes from this house like the lights
are flickering light bulbs are exploding
the doorbell keeps ringing and every
time it rings and like she like goes to
open the door
no one is there and so she calls a
handyman
we meet Eddie Eddie's a complete stoner
like everything is groovy
he's reeking of weed he's our Shaggy yes
he is the Shaggy and this sexy
Scooby-Doo
um and
she like Kayla keeps getting headaches
and so while he's going around and like
seeing what's up with the electricity
and all that stuff She lays down to like
handle her migraine
um
Eddie like walks in her bedroom not
realizing like she'd been laying down
and he was like oh yeah like I used to
have headaches all the time and
then I started seeing a therapist and
like I realized a lot of it was like
things I needed to process that were
weighing me down
um and she's like I don't know if I'm
gonna do that but thank you and he but
he also tells her
that the roof is far too large of a
project that he he's like this is
outside of my scope right he's like but
the good news is your electricity is
fine just like buy better light bulbs
she's like
but the lights keep flickering and the
bulbs keep exploding he's like yeah it's
probably because they're poor quality
like I checked everything it's fine go
see a therapist
kind of his energy right
um
and so she's like well thanks so much I
guess for nothing and then he leaves
um
she I'm not gonna lie
what I'm about to say is becomes
pertinent later in the book and so I
hadn't initially put it in my outline
but then later when it became permanent
nah
pertinent when it became
pertinent not permanent I knew what you
meant thank you thank you for that you
know I had a teacher when I was in like
eighth grade and he
um Mr miklos and I still remember him
talking about like he's like yeah what's
the point of correcting someone if you
knew what they meant you're just being
an [ __ ] right it's apparently he said
[ __ ] because like it was to a group
of like 13 year olds
but I always like really apprec he's
like why are you putting someone on
blast unnecessarily if you knew what
they were trying to communicate right
but I'm willing to put myself on blast
and if I keep calling people daunting
here we are so yeah when I realized it
was pertinent I was like oh I feel like
it happened somewhere around here but I
don't quite remember so gotcha if
someone decides to read this book and
then is
listening to the podcast don't come at
me for this if it's in the wrong spot
um but Kayla wakes up with some bruises
on her neck and like one is in like the
yeah like one isn't like the shape of
like a thumb print and she's like where
did these bruises come from and then
she's like trying to look it up and
online and it's like bruises can like it
can be a vitamin deficiency it can be
like like there's a lot of things that
could cause bruise like that could cause
you to bruise easily in the shape of a
hand around your neck
I didn't say the shape of the bruise is
what what happens with a vitamin
deficiency
I'm just giving myself a clear picture
she's clearly
discounting some evidence that she is
not safe there's a lot of justification
and a lot of like
I just must not be fully with it because
my head is in a million places because I
just lost my husband right
um
what happens from there
I don't know oh well I forgot when Eddie
was like yeah all the lights are fine
just go to therapy
when Eddie leaves all of the lights
start flickering and she's like what the
[ __ ]
um well she goes downstairs there's
another letter from the penitentiary and
when she picks it up all of the lights
in the house go out and she's like
well it's happening I love how giddy you
are telling me about that I attack with
my shoulders you do
my sister is a hairstylist and one time
she was doing my hair and this like pop
of a song came on I don't remember what
song it was but I just vividly remember
my sister going wow your shoulders are
really taken on a life of their own
there
and I don't think that's just my dancing
I think that's just my state of being
sure yeah sure you and Pat Benatar
sorry
she has a lot of shoulder moves there
are a lot of shoulder moves when you
said Pat Benatar I thought of um
during years ago there was this like it
was probably 10 years ago at this point
there was this like a YouTube clip
called moves like Jagger yeah or no it
was like do your best Jagger or
something like that and these dudes like
had a bet going and they could call do
your best Jack or any point you had to
stop what you're doing and do your best
Mick Jagger impression
but like they kept like becoming like
increasingly inappropriate places did
you like at like a funeral right one was
like during sex
that's what I also thought of
um
so she gets this letter mind you she put
the other ones in her underwear drawer
and was like this is weird I'm Not
Really Gonna engage with this
and then the letter is like you may
think we've never met but I know you in
every way someone can know another I
know the shape of your soul I can still
taste your skin there's like some poetry
[ __ ] thrown in there and you're like
this is
intimate
[Laughter]
well yeah I mean if a random
felon were to send me a letter to tell
me he remembers the taste of my skin I
would have a lot of questions about if
we're in a sort of uh Hannibal Lecter
situation am I in the Silence of the
Lambs what is happening right now
yeah that wouldn't feel like a romantic
Overture to me would you just put it in
your underwear drawer and move on I
honestly don't know what I would do I
feel like I would shred it I would like
feel like I'd like take photographic
evidence yeah and then be like this is
very unsettling so like Kayla her head
starts like running down the list of
like all of the potential reasons for
Dante's letter and she's like is it a
scam does he thinks I like have this
house that I like have money because I
don't have money she's like
she was like but he's not asking me for
money
what the hell so
she's like I don't [ __ ] know what to
do with this
um so while she's trying to like figure
this out there's a knock on the door
there is someone there this time it's
the roofing company
and they were like yeah we had an
opening a week early so we thought we'd
come out and take a look
here we meet Aiden
um layrite Lee right I don't it has a
lot of vowels everything in this book
has a lot of vowels
well Aiden is one of our top three most
common names for a
a male character in these books so that
is also
yeah we've we've reviewed have we
reviewed a book with Maiden before I
know I've definitely I reread the wall
of Winnipeg and me
by Mariana Zapata like two weeks ago and
right that's Aiden
we've made a lot of references to the
name Aiden but I don't know that we've
actually had a book with the with a male
character named Aiden Stone Aiden Black
Blackstone
Stone that's master of bone and salt
yeah there's a lot of those it's like
it's like you know there's more names
right
um so we meet Aiden the roofer dude he's
pretty Gruff there's like this like
you're like
is this banter or do you guys not like
he like do you hate each other like it's
like very like quick-witted but he's
like it's 10 grand and she's like I
don't have 10 grand
and he's like okay bargain with me and
she's like
two grand and he's like 9999.
and she's like if I don't have 10 grand
I don't have one dollar less like he can
tell she's not in a good place things
are not going great
and he's like he's pretty Gruff and
pretty rude and she kind of calls him
out on it and he leaves
um and well he leaves not her house
sorry I'm
give me a second to remember what
happened
um he he leaves her like she calls him
out for being rough he's like okay well
like let me go like look at everything
and like figure it out he's like but
it's a big project it's probably going
to be 10 grand it's like kind of what's
Happening Here she definitely has this
moment of grief
she while he's going and like
assessing the situation that's what
happened I got ahead of myself I don't
think he gave her the quote yet he
showed up was like kind of a Gruff
[ __ ] and then like she's like doesn't
say my husband just died but like it's
like kind of about to burst into tears
and he's like oh
okay I'm gonna go see how about the
damage is nice to meet you so she sends
a letter back
to Dante that's essentially like I don't
know you I have no money please don't
contact me again
I'm gonna get the like a detective
friend of mine involved if this
continues
um
and then puts the letter in the mail
when she comes back in that's when Aiden
gives her the quote for like gotcha ten
Grand and she's like
yeah I don't have that but like he can
tell like she's not doing well she's not
in a great spot so he's like
all right I know a guy who can do it for
five grand
and she's like is he licensed and
insured and he's like it's me I'm I'm
the guy like
oh I'll be here tomorrow to do it
whatever and he leaves
he shows up the next morning there's
definitely more like sarcastic back and
forth between them
um like he's still pretty Gruff
she's like should I write the check to
Godzilla and he's like should I bill it
to the dragon lady with sad eyes like
jeez dude right and I was like Dragon
lady was far enough we did not have to
comment on her emotional state damn dude
yeah that's where I'm like
is this banter because this doesn't it
feels hurt
ful badger
which I guess is just sarcasm right with
like
sarcasm always has that curdle of truth
that depending on on how it's presented
you're like oh yeah this doesn't feel
like good-natured banter I guess is what
I'm saying
that is very fair and so when he's like
should I build it to the dragon lady
with sad eyes she's like you should
leave
she's like I don't think this is like a
gonna be a good thing right just let my
house fall down at this point just get
away from me yes and so she's like or
what he's like all right I'll leave but
like call me if you change your mind
your roof clearly has a leak that needs
to be fixed
um so she goes she decides she's going
to go visit a local grief group
and
try and join a support group after the
passing of her husband she meets a woman
named Madison who's like not really like
no one else in the meeting is really
like talking to Madison or engaging with
her
um but we also learn like
Madison's at the group because her like
daughter was like her four-year-old was
abducted and never oh God yeah like and
then
um Kayla's like so is this group helpful
for you and Madison's like what do you
think and so Kayla's like I think I'm
gonna leave like right like this was a
mistake yes so she goes
she leaves the grief group does not stay
for it goes to the bar across the street
guess who's there is it Aiden it's Aiden
the roofer who are my stars we're all so
surprised
that was sarcasm see see there was a
curdle you nailed it
I did yeah nailed it
um he comes over to her at the bar they
start talking
he asks where her husband is because
she's still wearing her wedding ring
and she just gives a vague like he left
me like doesn't like go into all the
details doesn't tell him anything
um he can tell she's about to cry so he
like leads her away from the bar back to
the booth that he'd been sitting in
and then definitely starts hitting on
her very aggressively like like tells
her like he finds her attractive wants
to take her home and make her come
which I'm like
bold move my guy bold move interesting
choice the dragon lady with the sad eyes
however I bet I could turn that frown
upside down like what
sorry I just really liked that we went
frown upside down after like her husband
died well that's what I'm saying that's
why it's so ludicrous but I guess he
doesn't know that her husband is dead
yeah that is very true
um he like gives her a little kiss
that feels electric or some [ __ ] like
that they always do
the electric jolt when our skin touched
right my notes literally say gives her a
little kiss that feels electric actually
I meant to say little kiss I
accidentally wrote title kiss
but the sentiment holds
and then my notes say she is like wow
that is bold and and he is like but also
accurate like it's kind of the general
she's like no you're really coming on
strong and he's like all right well like
let me know if you change your mind if
you do I actually live Above This Bar of
course he does of course he does
she decides to leave says goodbye
and that they do know like she says
goodbye he says good night
like she's like goodbye he's like good
night like okay like it's not as
permanent as goodbye okay
feels like semantics but all right
isn't that what a lot of these books are
yeah I guess
um I think it's home
finds a letter in the mailbox at least
they're not like showing up in their
house yes Dante
from the state penitentiary
um is like I can't answer your questions
but I'll always tell you the truth like
here's this like Poetic stanza like what
do you think like these letters you're
like what is he what this makes no sense
so
this is around the part where my husband
called it sexy Scooby-Doo she goes to
bed and then wakes up hearing the
floorboards creaking like on the on the
stairs don't like that no not at all
and so like she goes into her bathroom
gets the flashlight that they kept under
the sink or something okay I'm like that
where most people keep their flashlights
I don't know what do you have a
flashlight yeah
where do you keep it
we have one in our linen closet and one
in our bedroom on the dresser
on the dresser we had a power outage not
that long ago and we just never put it
away
that answers I was like I was like one
if you and your husband are doing some
freaky [ __ ]
I mean nope I'm gonna leave it alone I'm
gonna
own is what I'm gonna do but okay it is
I'm like it does feel like if you have
like your linen closet in your bathroom
or something like that I don't know when
like when I was reading it it's a weird
detail to get caught up on but I was
like
why is the flashlight in the bathroom
where's your flashlight
if you say your bedroom
I will not say my bedroom
um I know my husband has one or two in
the basement sure
we have like a Cleaning Supply Closet by
our front door and that has like a
basket filled with like all of like the
small ones that like we've somehow
collected over time there was a year
where my husband was gifted two
flashlights for Christmas nice
um one was like just like a stocking
stuffer from my parents and this was
like our first year of marriage
um and my aunt always spends Christmas
with us so my husband gets like one
flashlight in his stocking and he's like
dope cool whatever it's a flashlight and
then my aunt actually like gifted him a
flashlight that like he like had to
unwrap and then
it's like the first Christmas and he's
trying to be chill and like figure out
like my family Dynamics at the holidays
and she's like I'm so sorry I wouldn't
have gotten you a flashlight if I knew
you were already going to get one and
he's like no no no it's so he's like you
know working in like event production
like you never know when you're gonna
like he like
sold it very well and like when we like
got home he's like
do you think I made it okay
it was like the purest thing I was like
yeah and
you really can't have too many little
flashlights on hand it's true I think
our problem is that like we don't need
them very often and then I never change
the batteries so having a lot of
flashlights is really not that helpful
right
it's none of them work
well we could go on a whole thing about
where you keep your batteries but I want
to hear more about sexy Scooby-Doo
why does where do you keep your
batteries feel like a far more intimate
question I know I realized it as I said
it I was like oh I didn't like that for
the record we keep those in the Cleaning
Supply Closet as well
noted I guess we were gifted I think the
following Christmas like one of those
like industrial battery Keepers where
you can like put like all different
sizes and like you can even test the
voltage is that the word that I'm going
for
um yeah I think I think my mom just like
went in to Costco and it's like I'm
gonna [ __ ] [ __ ] up today and then we all
got it
um but yeah so anyway she goes into the
bathroom gets the flashlight gets
dressed
and like feels like she's being watched
and she's like this is like creepy this
is unsettling I'm in this 5 000 square
foot house alone not here for this [ __ ]
she grabs her keys takes off
um and then where do you think she ended
up Hannah did she go to Aiden's yeah
yeah she did yeah
I I wish there was a bigger plot twist
here but it's exactly what we expected
so she goes to Aiden's
it's raining outside because they live
outside Seattle like of course
um she tells him the whole story of I
mean not the not the dead husband part
of the story but like the creepy
my floorboards were creaking I felt like
I was there and someone was watching me
he's very calm very supportive
um gives her some dry clothes to wear
she gets bold and decides to like drop
the towel he gave her to dry off and
they start going at it of course they do
I wanted this like a week after her
husband's funeral
let's give her some credit let's go two
weeks well I mean I'm not saying that
it's bad or wrong I'm just saying like
this feels like a I'm not I'm not saying
it's bad or wrong
what I am saying is I have a very hard
time conceptualizing being in a place
where I could be intimate with someone
else two weeks after my husband passed
away right that's what I'm saying yeah
like I can't identify with that but also
I'm not here to judge how people process
their grief
that's the therapist in you I know it is
I I yep
and by not judging how people process
their grief you mean in session you keep
your [ __ ] together then afterwards you
call me and you're like listen to this
[ __ ] I just had the weirdest [ __ ]
session of my life
um yeah so they start going at it he
very much like very dominant in the
bedroom takes control very like
they're like I I think the thing
that that killed the sexy Scooby-Doo for
me in this book is that they're
wasn't a single sexual encounter that I
conceptualized as arousing got it okay
um because I I wrote down the quote I
don't know he stops licking to suckle my
[ __ ] like he's drawing milk from a
nipple
Jesus Christ
I hated everything about that I hated
everything about that I have so many
least favorite parts of that sentence
you just
you just compared your your [ __ ] to a
nipple Jesus
he stops licking stop don't say it again
I think I'm just still processing like
I'm the one who read the book and wrote
the quote and I'm like
really oh my god
um they bone also there's like no
concern about a condom like there's no
like conversation about I'm like what is
that also usually will throw me out of a
scene like
if there's no discussion about like any
kind of birth control or like are you
clean it's like two lines like can we
not just say those two lines so then I
can like we can just all be on board
with whatever stuff it is one without
I'm like and I was like not each time
unless like each time you're like I hear
the crinkle of the condom wrapper I was
like okay I can work with that right but
this like
I was like wait what this first time
like that's the part that like always
suspends belief for me yeah but also if
it doesn't suspend belief for you no
judgment I do have some questions all
right all right true story I once had a
counseling client
oh God
who
was
um having sex with a new sexual partner
and
it still makes me laugh to this day I'm
terrified I don't know well he was like
do we need a condom and she was like
yeah yeah we do like oh God and then
like in the height of passion he like
Whispers in her ear you make me want to
get tested
oh no oh oh no I was like is that what
did it for you and she was like
I don't think I'm gonna see him again I
was like that feels like a fair
assessment I was like there's nothing
sexy about that
like you I was like this is your first
time sleeping with her and you're like
that fixing it on Raw dogging it so now
they're like a few months ago or last
year at some point
there was that trend on on Tick Tock
where everybody was using the sound that
was like Hey little mama let me whisper
in your ear that's all I can think right
now okay
you make me want to get tested
I'm like
I on I I don't know if I could keep a
straight face no I wouldn't no okay no
so
back into this scene with the milk
nipple [ __ ]
I heard it yeah
yeah they bone he like tells her she's
staying the night like oh well he's
still lodged inside her
when better to make demands really
I don't know if there is a better time
yeah probably like we said that a little
sarcastically but then I'm also like
also there's there's our kernel of truth
there's our kernel of Truth compliance
oh oh
so much about this
um they talk there's a little bit of
banter they have round two this also
like
part of their like sexual
scene if you will is
he's like oh like you're my little bunny
and she's like you gotta catch me and
she like runs around his apartment and
he like catches her and like she calls
him her lion
and he calls her his little bunny or his
little rabbit I hate that there's some
light spanking yeah I'm like I hate it
deeply yeah
um so they shower together after all of
this they kind of have a heart to heart
he tells her
um he'd never hurt her
he does vaguely allude to like he hurt
his father
we don't know the full details of that
but like it like to like protect his
mother
he hurt his father or something of that
capacity
and she's like
I'd never judge you for keeping someone
safe
like what is happening um also I would
like to know only now after they've
already had a few rounds of sex do they
talk about being clean in STDs and
chances of pregnancy
and then he makes her breakfast it's a
little late
for that yeah I'm like a day late and a
dollar short
oh and I hope you got that dollar
because you're gonna need Plan B because
you didn't have that conversation right
Lord help us
um so they go back to Kayla's house
he insists on like going through and
checking it and making sure everything
is fine everything is safe blah blah
blah
um he tells her he has a friend who
installs security systems
um and he's gonna call his friend to
come out help her out give her a good
give her not give her a good deal
because she offers to pay and he tells
her like it's emasculating and she's
like
well can I pay you like like can I can I
pay your friends for the security system
can I pay you for the roof and he's like
no like
I'm a man
okay
and then tells her if she brings that
paying again she'll get spanked
so does she bring up paying again
well I don't want to ruin the book can I
there's a lot of staying spoilers yeah
there's a lot of spanking in this book
um we then meet Jake Jake is Aiden's
best friend since like high school he is
installing the security system she's
like I don't really want anything fancy
ask Jake about what it cost
and then he goes Aiden said you know
what'll happen if you mention money
I was like does Jake know what'll happen
because if right like ah sir
yes now it is like Jake is very
protective of Aiden he's like Aiden's
had a really rough life he deserves all
of the best in the world I like don't
[ __ ] him over I want to make sure like
he like sees her wedding ring and it's
like
he's my best friend like I'm very
productive of him
um they
they decide on the security system he
starts working on it and then as they're
like shaking hands and figuring out what
their deal is moving forward she like
looks out past her him into the window
into her yard
and there's someone like watching her
from her yard oh yes and so someone is
watching her
and then like she like turns back to
Jake and then turns back to the window
and the person's gone
sexy Scooby-Doo
it's not
so wow Jake is installing the security
system Kayla goes to investigate her
yard
she goes over to where
um like the tree where the dude had been
standing and it's rainy because it's
Seattle
um
and it's really muddy but there's like
no footprints in the mud at all she's
like what like there's no tracks that
anyone was here
um she does look down and sees a 1937
type D Buffalo nickel okay in the mud
and she picks it up and she knows
exactly what it is and knows all of
those specific details because her
husband always carried it in his pocket
it was like his good luck charm like
it's like a nickel that has some
Rarity thing so it's like worth like
twenty five hundred dollars or like
something like that so like she knows
the specifics of it we learn a little
bit more about harassment at some point
like he worked at the University as a
professor he's like a [ __ ] like math
genius or something like genius IQ very
academic highbrow level
um
so then she's like freaking out because
she's like
where did this nickel come from that it
is like in the mud where this dude had
been watching me
um she asked Jake she's like
can I get like motion sensor
notifications through the app and he's
like yeah but then it's like a lot of
logistics of like but it'll like you'll
also get the squirrels that run past and
she's like yeah maybe we'll like I'll
turn that feature on in the future
um and then Jake's like all right well
like hope I see you around because
Aiden frequently feels like the third
wheel with me and my wife and
great to meet you
um Aiden gets to her place later that
night says he's like so sorry my meeting
went long I'm gonna go put like a tarp
on the roof and she's like but it's dark
and he's like
okay
so and she's like well what if you fall
like it's dark out right right right and
he's like well one I don't fall
two
what happens if I do like why why does
that matter like kind of just being like
getting her to admit that like she cares
so she in which I'm like her husband
just died man this all feels real soon
um yeah he puts the tarp up she writes
another letter to Dante like responding
while he's putting the tarp up it's very
rambling like it's just a lot of like I
don't really know what's up what's down
I'm like not doing well Everything feels
chaotic like just kind of that kind of
energy
um but then she's like do I send it do I
not she's like I'm just gonna put it in
my desk drawer like not gonna send this
letter
um
then Aiden it like it felt like Aiden
like puts the tarp up and like leaves
without saying goodbye and she's like
what like that
why did you leave without saying goodbye
like yeah that's weird right all of it's
kind of weird
um it's like she's not thrilled about it
she's sitting there with the buffalo
nickel trying to figure out her life
trying to figure out how her dead
husband's buffalo nickel ended up in the
yard with a dude I've been watching her
that she hears the floorboards Creek in
her bedroom above her head
like someone is walking above her I
don't I don't like that
no neither did Scooby-Doo or Kayla or
yeah
yeah that's fair so
um she like checks makes sure that her
new alarm system is indeed armed
um
like here's it again goes to check
nothing is out of place
um and so she's like so weird and when
she goes downstairs and like turns on
her kitchen lights all of the cabinet
doors are open
all of the doors are open all the
cabinet doors are open and she's like
feels like she's being watched suddenly
like a jar of honey flies off the shelf
shatters on the ground
so this isn't relevant to this whole
parent well it is but so my husband back
in the day he was a manager for a
department that had 24-hour shifts so
every now and then he would have to go
in on Third and cover right and there's
one building where he worked where
nobody really like no patients were
there it was a healthcare facility no
patients lived there or stayed there or
anything
um but sometimes staff would use it
um if they had like a second to first
shift or something like that so they
would use it for breaks or they would
use it to sleep instead of driving all
the way home
so when he knew whenever he worked third
and he knew that someone was staying
there would he [ __ ] with them he would
[ __ ] with them 100 because the rumor was
that that building was haunted anyway so
he would like open all the kitchen
cabinets
he would put all of the chairs on top of
the kitchen table
um it was like a little cabin situation
so he put all the the chairs on the
kitchen table he once spelled help with
wooden coffee stirrers
did people ever catch on that it was him
no
incredible just the legend that that
building was haunted gained More Steam
I would lose my [ __ ] like if I were like
the one sleeping there
then those things happened yeah
hey there's my puppies
we'll get you right back to the show in
just a moment but first
do you like us maybe
maybe love us cause we sure love you
if you do love us don't tease us
at least in those ratings and reviews
wherever you're listening right now
maybe even send us over to a special
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because you know the first rule of smug
Club is to talk about smut Club
all right I won't keep you any longer
let's get back to the show
[Music]
like
in my heart I wanna believe that I'd be
like there's a rational explanation
someone is just like pulling pranks
right I don't but I don't I don't know
if that would be the case it would freak
me out
much like a freaked Kayla out so she
understandably ran into her office like
locks the door wedges herself between
like the couch and the wall and just
like sits there and like trembles until
sunrise
um but in the morning she wakes up like
starts kind of
rationalizing things and like doesn't
really trust her memory and she's like
maybe I opened all of the drawers like I
don't know like I'm not I haven't been
in a good place
um
she starts cleaning up the kitchen and
sits down to work on um one of her
illustrative projects to meet her
deadline
um but instead of like working on the
illustrative project she starts
sketching the dude that had been in her
yard and she's like he looks like
Vaguely Familiar but I can't like I
can't figure it out I can't place it
um she does look at on her desk a
wedding photo of her and Michael and she
notices on her arm there's a thumb print
shaped bruise
in the picture in the picture from her
wedding photo and she's like I feel like
I'm missing something here like I'm
missing a piece of all of this
um Aiden calls he tells her to come over
she's like okay I'll be there in 10 I'm
like what we really
whatever
so they bang I imagine yeah I'm just
like not a huge fan of them
but like they are the book but that like
obviously there's a lot of other stuff
to the book but I'm like
it's been like two weeks man I don't
know
he answers the door like she jumps on
and like they like jump on each other
immediately
she asked why he left out saying goodbye
he like doesn't like really give her an
answer
um they decide on a safe word
cheesy
no cheesy is their safe word terrible
I couldn't keep a straight face saying
that no no bubbles
um he like tells her she's his that
she'll orgasm when he tells her she can
come
um says he wants all of her like
physical emotional Spirit like just this
very I'm like very possessive I'm like
okay
you offered her a deal on her roof you
guys met at a bar she freaked out y'all
[ __ ] once you came back to her house
you're telling her she's yours like
right
I just can't get into it um
um but he's like I want all of you and
she's like okay and he's like you're not
ready yet like he does have the
wherewithal to recognize like I want
these things with you something's going
on right it doesn't really seem like
you're there but that doesn't prevent
them from having great sex he cleans her
after the sex how do you feel about
those scenes when like they like go get
like a a wet washcloth
um
I feel like there are some times yeah it
depends it depends sometimes it's like
that's really sweet and thoughtful and
other times it's like
yeah I don't like it no that's very fair
he falls asleep after this she's laying
awake wondering if she was a good wife
like having kind of this like a digital
crisis
um we then learn while she's sitting
there pondering all this that her
husband fell off their boat and drowned
yes and she was with him
and like heard laughter all around her
but she's like who could I tell that to
I'd sound [ __ ] crazy and it's very
Double Jeopardy yeah do you remember
that Ashley Judd movie
wasn't it actually cut it was Ashley
yeah thank you was it it was a judge
sister it wasn't Winona was it Winona it
was not Winona
sorry and then like the boat had like
drifted off in the dark kind of energy
um in the morning
there's more sex it's also now escalated
where like she's calling him like sir or
master in the bedroom uh
so here's the thing right like I I'm not
I don't kink shame no you do your thing
and at the same time usually when an
honorific like that is used there's a
big discussion beforehand about that
happening
yeah like the context for it and what it
means and what it entails they clearly
skipped several steps
I feel like that's the theme of their
relationship right like he like tells
her to like ask permission to speak and
like she needs permission to speak like
in sexual scenes like not like okay okay
needs permission to come
she sits on his face which is apparently
a first for her because he's like sit on
my face and she's like
permission to speak and he's like
yeah and she's like I don't know how to
do that
I'm like it's it's gravity baby girl
like
day 69 orgasms all around
okay I thought we could just wrap that
scene up real fast thank you they
discussed their relationship
um again a little too late
uh yeah it's like all of their
conversations are like the post-coinal
Afterglow and I'm like no no
we needed a pre-coital
not post right pre
um
but he's also like
in this conversation he's like I'm
really into you but like I don't want to
get hurt and like should I call it now
because I know you have some [ __ ] you
need to like work through um they talk
about it over breakfast he tells her
he's building a house
um on the island so like he's living
above the bar while he's working on
building this house because he's doing a
lot of it single-handedly
um they once again
talk about like the parameters of their
relationship because she's like can I
see the house there am I allowed to see
the house like what what are we where
are we yeah
um she gets in her car and drives home
but when she gets in her car on the
dashboard of her car is the 1937 d-type
Buffalo Nickel nope
no Hannah that's what happened you can't
just say nope that is the book no I
don't like that
that's creepy yes I mean I usually like
creepy things but that's different level
of creepy well so like she freaks out
because she vividly remembers putting
the quarter in her drawer also worth
noting because I think I forgot to say
this earlier that like
um she'd specifically ask Fiona like not
to clean Michael's office she's like I'm
not ready to go in there I'm not ready
to touch anything and she's like that's
where the nickel would have been so like
right
how do they get out
and nickel is following her then Nicole
is following her not someone's placing
the nickel no the nickel is fine the
nickel itself is sentient and following
her yes so she gets home she like looks
out the window into her backyard and
there's like a little boy playing in her
backyard don't like that either
and she's like what like where is this
child's mom
so she goes outside and then like the
boy is gone she can't find the little
boy
it was just playing in her backyard is
this having like a stress-induced
psychotic episode right now
maybe maybe not I'm not going to ruin
the book for you
um but she's like I'll check the
security tape and so when she goes to
check the security tape
it's all fuzzy like it's all like
there's no footage
like it's all pixelated or like static
or something yeah
um in the morning the alarm goes off
like waking her up and Fiona is there to
clean and
Fiona turns off like the house alarm
and Kayla's like how did you get the
code like how did you know the code it
was like how do you how do you think I
got the code
okay let's like I guess I gave it to you
I just don't remember and Fiona's like
yeah
you did sure like kind of I don't know
just like this weird interaction I I
[ __ ] with Fiona well we'll learn more
about Fiona
um
like Fiona can tell that Kayla's out of
sorts and she's like maybe there's a
ghost in the house right she's like do
you believe in ghost and Kayla's like I
don't I don't think I believe in ghosts
and Fiona's like well they believe in
you like
yeah and so
Fiona's like maybe we should have a
seance like get rid of the ghost in the
house like have these things been
happening have you like noticed like
lights flickering and things moving and
like are you having lapses in your
memory and she's like
yeah into all of the above yes and
Fiona's like well my sister is a medium
and like of course she is yes
um and Fiona's like yeah I'll call my
sister we'll see what happens if you're
if you're engaging with the ghost it's
important to not tell the ghosts they're
dead they don't always like that
I just love Fiona you're like it's a
very Sixth Sense thing to say yes yes it
is
like they're talking about like how
temperamental ghosts are
um that it's humans jobs like help them
find closure
um but yeah like
Kayla tells Fiona about like the
headaches and the memory loss and like
also about like the little boy in the
yard and all like The Oddities that have
been happening
um and then she because she's like I
don't know here's the thing I you never
know what the [ __ ] Kayla's gonna do
Kayla isn't like you know what I should
do I should mail my rambling letter to
Dante my prison pen pal
okay not daunton Dante I got better see
um
and then she like goes to mail the
letter to Dante and then suddenly it
Dawns on her that like she's like maybe
the ghost is Michael
good and you're like oh
maybe who can say so it's now oh
brilliant deductive reasoning there
Kayla listen Kayla's making it at this
point
um is she
Kayla's barely making it at this point
she it's a week later
she gets a letter from Dante
um
and oh because I think in her rambling
letter she like said something like what
are you in jail for like I don't even
know and he's like I'm I'm in jail for
loving someone too much and doing nope
and doing what love required of me that
is a more emphatic no than the sentient
nickel for me
yeah nope
doing what love required of me I nope
um Aiden calls and he's like why haven't
you called me
and she's like uh was I so like what was
I supposed to and he's like well I was
giving you space to sort yourself out
but then I hadn't heard from you and
like
then they're just kind of she's like
well you could have called me bro and so
he's like all right well come over now
like get get here because I miss my
sweet bunny
I just [ __ ] I hate it I really hate
it
um oh then my notes say I don't know man
long oddly aggressive sex scene where
she calls a master he chases his Bunny
and kicks in the bedroom door
ends with anal
bedroom door and this like game they're
playing he kicks in his own bedroom door
he's committed to the game
I'm like I know like sexual scene like
like yeah like it's I'm like
that's just a lot man
you're like [ __ ] kicked in your own
bedroom door
she starts crying after sex just from
like the emotional overload he asks what
she needs
um they talk a little bit about him like
walking away mid-conversation like not
necessarily answering her questions like
because I think that's that's the other
part that's like really frustrating me
reading this is that like he's very
Elusive and so it's very much like
you're my little bunny I want all of you
but like you don't get all of me yeah
like we don't [ __ ] know any like
they're not from what we're reading like
there's not real conversations happening
I'm like they're just banging yes yeah
like which is fair that's fine but like
which is fine but like oddly
aggressively intimate for people that
you're like have we built that intimacy
no no we [ __ ] have him Chelsea said
let me answer that question for you the
answer is no it wasn't rhetorical here's
your answer
he draws her a bath gets her his one
gets her a wine it's like
bringing in cheese for her to nibble on
well now I'm on board with Aiden you're
like he passes that's the shift do I
have to call him Master maybe will he
hand feed me cheese in the bathtub worth
it
um
she like is debating telling him about
Michael and is like I should give him
more detail he does admit we do
officially learn he killed his father
nice to protect his mother because his
dad was an abusive piece of [ __ ]
um he assumes like Michael is hurting
her from kind of like the vague things
that she's saying and is like I'll kill
him for you
well that escalated right he's like I'm
falling for you I'll kill him for you
after the bathtub he goes down on her
I I really hate the term
[ __ ] nibbling
I feel like that right
and I feel like that's on your face the
Grimace oh my God okay
nibble is a word I do not [ __ ] with in
sex scenes and books nibble and slippery
should be banned
I can deal with slippery I cannot deal
with slippery
Slippery Nipples the worst
I hated everything about that
um so the next morning he takes her to
see his property it's beautiful like the
frame is up there's no drywall or
anything yet
um he asks if she wants kids in the
future they're just
right like it all feels disjointed yeah
she tells him that she had a miscarriage
when she was pretty far along
um but then like like the memories
blocked like she can't remember all of
it and
she is like kind of freaked out by that
no she lost her child at some point
um they kiss it heats up the weird bunny
sex thing continues
literally here are the quotes I have
from this scene and I hate everything
about this and I apologize in advance
such a hungry lion I hope you can run on
an empty stomach she takes off into the
woods he catches her
real quote my naughty little rabbit
needs to get [ __ ] in the woods doesn't
she I'm going to [ __ ] you so hard bunny
you're going to take your Master's [ __ ]
on your hands and knees totally naked in
the middle of the Woods
I hate you a little bit I just looked
over at my husband and he's just slowly
nodding in the corner like he's like
what the [ __ ] are you reading
oh my god oh also that's not the end of
the scene Jesus Christ can it be
I'll wrap it up real quick that's what
she said
apparently she didn't I've had no
conversations about rapping oh
um so like she gets away again in the
woods he catches her he holds her
against a tree while he spanks her ass
and continues once again I think in a
very non-sexy way
more quotes my little [ __ ] [ __ ] time to
take your Masters come there's one thumb
in her ass one thumb in her mouth
well he [ __ ] her in the woods
I know it's not a question I wish you
guys can see Chelsea's hand gestures
right now because they're so exaggerated
they're just oh my God
the scene was exaggerated enough I
didn't need that
I mean
I also feel like Vance and I have been
unintentionally mirroring each other
just putting our heads in our hands and
shaking our heads because we need it to
stop
[Laughter]
my outline like my notes just say there
is
nothing arousing
like
I was like oh I think that was around
the part that I was like I changed my
mind I can't I can't do this do I even
want to finish this book
um he does break like he breaks down
afterwards and like gets really
emotional and then like it's like that
was too much and we we really didn't
talk about
sexual boundaries in that capacity and
then she's like comforting him and it's
like no like I was here for it
um they go back to his place they shower
again he bandages all of her wounds from
the cuts and scrapes
from the forest floor sure yeah
um Kayla gets home she finds Fiona
cleaning Michael's office oh no and
she's like didn't I ask you not to clean
in here and Fiona's like did you I don't
remember
and Kayla's like yeah please leave this
office alone and she's like okay no big
deal
so
um Fiona's like hey I spoke to my sister
about the Seance she said we need to do
it at the next full moon which is like
three weeks from now and Kayla's like I
don't think we need to do the Seance I
think I'm gonna try therapy instead good
call right
um
Fiona how will a therapist help your
ghost problem
I'm like I just love
Fiona's energy out here
um this whole conversation is still
happening in Michael's office and
um Kayla looks on Michael's desk and
sees like a newspaper folded over and
it's an article that has like a picture
of Michael that says local man drowns
and she's like hasn't seen this
newspaper article before is like very
upset about it
um but it's also like I don't remember
bringing this paper and like did
fionaire like how did this paper end up
on my dead husband's desk about my dead
husband
um she goes up to her bedroom
and sees like a human body shaped like
indent like on like the side of the bed
that like Michael always slept on like
that's been made this whole time right
um
like the the doorbell keeps ringing no
one is there she's just like getting
more and more frazzled so she she calls
Eddie for his therapist recommendation
Stoner handyman Eddie she's like hey man
what you got for me she's like he sounds
high as [ __ ]
um and he's like yeah my therapist's
name is Dr David Letterman and she's
like
like the guy on TV and he's like no like
my therapist
we're here for Eddie we really are um
so but she's like I can tell Eddie's hi
this conversation's not really going
anywhere
um but he like tells her like he's like
yeah he's in this office building at
this intersection so when they hang up
um she tries to go online she cannot
find Dr David Letterman online and show
so she's like okay you know what instead
I'm just going to go to the office
building and see
if I can like schedule an appointment
there so as she like pulls up to the
office building and parks and is getting
out of her car there's a restaurant
across the street and when she turns
around she sees Aiden walking in with
his armor around a curvy brunette uh oh
and she's like oh [ __ ] and like hops in
her car like he's like I'm just gonna
leave
never mind right but it's like sitting
in her car kind of freaking out there's
a knock on her window
Aiden saw her
and I was like what are you doing here
she's like oh I was just out running
errands and he's like why are you lying
to me like there's clearly and he's like
he's very unhappy that she's lying to
him
um
and then she's like
I saw you on a date I didn't want to be
weird it's weird I'm just gonna go and
he's like get out of the car and she's
like okay so she follows him into the
restaurant we then meet Deb it was
Jake's wife oh yes that like they've all
known each other since high school Deb
is super excited to meet her it's like
I've heard so much about you oh my gosh
and then Kayla ends up joining them for
dinner and then she's like Kayla's kind
of sitting there pondering how she got
here because life has escalated a lot
that like her husband died now she's on
this like [ __ ] double date yeah we
took a sharp left yes she like
I'm just kind of sitting there like
zoned out spinning her wedding ring like
having an existential crisis and clearly
like misses a question that Deb asks so
she's like what sorry yeah sure whatever
and Deb's like I need to go to the
bathroom why don't you come with me do I
think it's weird the girls always go to
the bathroom together sure it's never
been my thing I've never I've never
needed a companion to travel with me to
the bathroom
not for those reasons
like well I'm also like how long is your
girl talk gonna [ __ ] be right
I don't know I even our Middle School
bathroom like the girl's bathroom had a
couch in it what
not a nice couch
maybe I misremembering
I don't I don't know but that seems like
a lot it was it was a lot I I do
remember feeling that
um
so she goes to the bathroom with Deb
Deb's just like a sweet angel baby who
we love
um
when they get back to the table like
Aiden and Jake like stop talking very
quickly like I have clearly been in an
argument
and then Jake confronts her about like
don't like toy with my my man here he's
my best friend he's been through a lot
of [ __ ] he deserves everything in the
world so like
what are what the [ __ ] are you doing
like clearly like looking at her wedding
ring and she's like
sorry I've been through like a really
big life transition recently I'm
separated from my husband
um
that still doesn't really like tell has
not told anyone that her husband is dead
I'm not understanding that why are we
not just saying that
yeah exactly that's like a lot of
conversation you're like it'd really
clear a lot of [ __ ] up if you just like
admitted this yeah
um but what she does also say at the
table is like
oh she's like I'm really struggling
through this big life transition but I
will
say
sorry y'all here's what just happened
I'm gonna tell you all of the details of
what just happened I felt something
crawl and hit my foot
yeah it was Hannah's wedding ring that's
like a silicone ring that fell off her
hand when she was playing with it I'm
gonna grab it real fast
but it's like a darker it's a really
pretty ring thank you yes I really like
it um it's like a purple and green
iridescent
but the way it was rolling and the way
it felt on my foot I thought like a
cockroach was crawling on my foot and I
was trying to keep my [ __ ] together and
then it fell on its side and it was just
Hannah's ring
so sorry I will say my husband plays
with his silicone wedding ring all the
time and like we were in a Mexican
restaurant and I just see it like like
mid-conversation where they're with his
parents I see it just like fly out of
his hand and I was like
well that's gone like I was like we're
not crawling around this Mexican
restaurant fun to fiddle with it is it's
just enjoyable I'll try to not do that
right now no when um when I'm working
out a lot I'll wear like my silicone
ring and I feel like I'm always like
playing with it yeah
I don't know anyone who has a silicone
ring who doesn't play with it but I will
say I want thousand percent thought that
ships a cockroach on my foot and was
like keep it together Chelsea you're
fine
um okay so she like admits that she's
had this big life transition she
separated from her husband but then she
also tells them she's like yeah when I
saw
um
when I saw Aiden have his arm around Deb
I like it really made me realize how
much I care about him how in this I am
and how much I like want to be in this
and agent's like me too and then they
kiss
and then she looks over his shoulder and
sees the dude from her backyard who'd
been spying on her in like the front
window at the restaurant watching her
um and then like she like has a moment
Aiden's like is everything okay and then
when she looks back the dude is once
again gone and she's like yeah sorry I
just like I thought I saw someone that I
knew
um
when they leave the restaurant items
like you'll be punished for lying to me
it's like can we not with the [ __ ]
spanking anymore
so much spanking yeah in this book
so much spanking
I I didn't need it
he like they're talking and he's like
call me when you have some clarity like
I like you you like me you have a lot on
your plate call me when you have some
clarity
and she's like when what like what does
that mean what what do you mean by that
and he's like when you're ready to take
off your wedding ring like that ah
that'll be a probably win he's like now
kindly get out of my car that gets kind
of like the energy here so
the next day she's like decided she's
going to drive back to Dr Letterman's uh
Dr David Letterman's office but then on
her way past she passes a psychic and is
like who needs a therapist and you can
have a psychic she's like 10 reading you
son of a [ __ ] I'm in oh
um
when she knocks on the door this like
little old woman opens the door like
just like stands here and stares at her
for a second then closes it again and
she's like the [ __ ]
so she like knocks again
and then a much younger like clearly the
woman's daughter and she's like oh yeah
come in for a reading blah blah blah and
so
um
she they're like okay what do you want
to ask the deck like for your tarot
reading and she's like
how do I move on for like how how do how
to move on from my husband essentially
um
several intriguing cards get pulled if
you will the Ten of Swords the lover and
the death card and the psychic is being
like you've had a betrayal your current
love life will cause you great pain
there are things you need to purge of
your life from your old baggage because
it's weighing you down and like she's
like what like I don't know what to do
with all of this and then she was like
do you want to pull an extra card to see
kind of like what you should be like
purging yourself from
and she pulls the magician
um and then the psychic is like you need
to let go of your Illusions she's like
yeah exactly deep sigh
I hope the ten dollars was worth it she
like tries to pay and leave and the
psychic is like it's on the house I'm
praying for you no right
um Kayla writes a letter to Dante
more rambling confused about life tells
him she's failing in love tells him
about
um fiance
Fiona's Seance not fiance
Fiona suggested Seance Dante responds
and he's like
you're not controlling the storm and
you're not lost in it like you are the
storm like you are the one with the
power right
who needs therapy
when you have a prison pen pal
not Kayla
Kayla needs a lot of things none of
which are to be called little bunny yeah
um so it's now two weeks later she still
hasn't seen Dante the doorbell keeps
ringing no one is there every time she
checks like when she pulls it up like no
one is there
um she hears laughter and the little boy
is back
and she's like wait is this the child I
miscarried like she's like really trying
to like connect all these dots here
um she is staring through the window and
the little boys in the yard he sees her
they make eye contact he like screams at
the top of his lungs and so she like
goes outside to try and talk to him when
she goes outside he's not there and then
when she looks up he's standing in her
bedroom window looking down at her
but she's like we would have crossed
paths in the house like right how did
all this work
um so she's like [ __ ] this force herself
a very large wine the lights flicker she
goes to bed she's like I don't even care
anymore truly yeah like she texts Aiden
and she's like I miss you and he's like
I miss you too and she's like can I see
you he's like are you still wearing your
wedding ring it's like no
and he's like did you take it off right
before you text me she's like maybe
and then and then she's like can I come
over
master
I'm like it's weird
stop it's weird no one needs this [ __ ]
um so once again she pours herself more
wine decides to go to bed
um Fiona comes over looks at Kayla and
she's like you are not doing great
and ask Fiona she's like Fiona what do
you do when someone's giving you space
You don't want and she was like you mean
like they they closed the door but you
want it open and she's like yeah and
she's like
knock
nice right I like that we like Fiona's
energy here Fiona the doorbell rings
again there's no one there like Fiona
like goes to answer it there's no one
there
um the television turns on and like more
light bulbs explode and then Kayla's
like
yeah so maybe let's just do that [ __ ]
Seance like it's time let's do it
um Kayla responds to Dante's letter
about her being the storm and it's like
I feel like she's like your storm advice
wasn't really helpful I feel like I'm
drowning I feel like I need a life vest
like I need something to save me like
I'm not doing great
um so the full moon is now like the next
day Fiona and her sister Claire show up
Claire's just as great as Fiona we're
loving their energy here and it's like
the perfect creepy night
all of the rain in Seattle the wind all
of that kind of [ __ ] and Claire's like I
think we need to have the Seance like
the spirits are directing me to have
this in Michael's office
and so
they're going to Michael's office
Claire's like you need to remove
um any jewelry any phones anything of
that capacity
um you need to take off your wedding
ring
and so she takes it off and puts it in
her pocket she's like not on your person
like we want it out of the room so she
like puts it on the desk
um like on like right on top like the
news article about Michael
um the Seance begins and like the spirit
is like responding like like Claire's
very much doing like knock yes for once
knock twice for no kind of questions and
it's like okay did you know
um did you know anyone in this room when
you were alive
like are you the only Spirit yes like
did you know anyone in this room when
you were alive like was it Fiona was it
me no no was it Kayla yes
um and then or Claire's like what
what do you want like what are you
needing and then it starts writing
through her like Claire like a ghost
possession situation yeah like her hand
starts shaking and then on the paper the
word that's written is Revenge
and then like the wind gets crazy all
the candles go out Kayla feels like a
brush of something against her face and
like loses her [ __ ] and screams and runs
out of the room
Fiona and Claire follow they find Kayla
in the kitchen cowering like in a ball
all of the cabinet doors are open again
um and they're like do you want to
continue and she's like no I [ __ ]
don't I don't I don't want to continue
thank you for asking
um the doorbell rings and she's like no
one's gonna be there when they go and
open the door there's a life vest there
ah yes and so she was like wait I think
I I think I know who's haunting me I
think it's Dante she's like because I
told Dante in that letter I needed a lie
fast suddenly there's a life vest
outside the door and so Claire had
initially been like yeah I have a few
like it's a full moon it's a busy night
for
for mediums and then she's like I'm
Gonna Cancel my other appointments for
tonight because this just got juicy
and so
Kayla goes and gets all of Dante's
letters and so they like start looking
through all of them
um and she like Claire's like have did
you ever end up calling the detective to
see if he knows him and she's like I
didn't and they're like you should call
so
um when she like she finally decides
she's gonna call the detective to ask
then Claire goes to get Kayla's laptop
to also look up Dante
um when she comes back with the laptop
the 1937 D type buffalo nickel is on top
of it
and then suddenly Kayla's wedding ring
falls through the ceiling and like lands
on the table what
oh no yes
um I will also say if you have any
interest in reading this book which you
must be in to bunnies or [ __ ] if you are
gonna read it
um
from here on out it's pretty much like
all spoilers like it's not spoilers
because it's the end of the book but
like it will ruin all of the secrets and
surprises for you so like it might be
worth bowing out now
um or just like if you want to keep fast
forwarding until we get to the ratings
um yeah I'm not gonna read this so no
tell me no you will not I will not if
you do I have more questions
um
so yeah the wedding ring drops for the
ceiling the storm keeps getting worse
it's getting crazier it's getting louder
and then Claire is like you need to call
the detective right now like we don't
have much time and Kayla's like what
like what do you even mean what yes so
Kayla calls
she's like can you connect me to like
detective Peters and he's like are you a
friend or like like the front desk lady
is like are you a friend of his and
she's like no he helped me with like a a
case a few months ago and the lady's
like well I can't connect you I'm afraid
that's not possible he's he passed away
from Sudden cardiac arrest what
and
Kayla's like the [ __ ] and like just like
ends the phone call doesn't know what to
do
um Claire opens the laptop
because she's like well let's look up
who owns the house before you
and then the like it's like why is the
deed under someone else's name and
Kayla's like it shouldn't be it should
be under like Michael and Kayla Reese
but the house
um was bought by another couple in
January of this year
and her husband like the accident was
like New Year's Eve
um and then she like hears the little
boy running around again and she's like
how does he fit into all of this like
everything is just like building chaos
in this moment right is Caleb dead
who can say well can you please because
I wouldn't know I'm gonna get there I'm
gonna get there real fast so
um Claire says that she's going to call
like the
um the police station back and is like
hey sorry my friend just called um
wanting to speak with this detective
um she was hoping to send flowers to the
funeral
um how long ago did he pass or so just
dropped by this news they're like oh
like you missed the funeral like he died
six months ago
and Kayla's like
no he couldn't have died six months ago
I spoke with him on my on my doc two
months ago about all of this
um and then Claire's like you have to
understand here that there's very few
people who can communicate with Spirits
mediums true psychics cats people with
schizophrenia gifted children and other
ghosts although they don't recognize
each other as such
and then as pieces have already clicked
for you Hannah pieces start to click for
Kayla uh-huh where like Fiona's shock at
seeing her after the funeral oh
um and being like Oh so like you're
staying here and like none of the
roofers ever calling her back when she
was trying to get quotes and like how
the security system would only show
static it like was not actually showing
her anything
so Kayla like starts freaking out starts
sobbing and then goes to get Eddie's
business card she's like no like Eddie I
just I spoke with him and then when she
picks it up like she realizes it's like
old and dated and like looks like it was
printed a long time ago
and calls the number and they pick up
and they're like Homefront handyman like
three generations strong and she's like
I need to speak with Eddie and they're
like is this a joke she's like
no I need to speak with Eddie and he's
like my grandfather died in 1974.
uh oh so Kayla starts like freaking out
more and more
and then Fiona is like called her name
and holds out Dante's envelope and is
like read the name and Kayla reads it
and is like Dante aligari so what and
Kayla and Fiona's like no see it like
really look at it then when she looks at
it the letters start rearranging
themselves and it says Aiden layrite Lee
right whatever the [ __ ] his name is and
it's an anagram for Dante sure yeah see
that's why there are so many [ __ ]
vowels
no one accept any vowels
um Kayla like starts losing her [ __ ]
more runs into Michael's office unfolds
the newspaper and the the full title of
the article says local man drowns wife
oh [ __ ]
she starts screaming the windows shatter
Fiona and Claire like run into the
office and then she looks like sees the
little boy like cowering behind them
um
and then Kayla like realizes she's like
oh that little boy lives here with his
parents who bought this house in January
right right right
um also realized and she's like it
finally like she finally remembers she
finally realizes Michael didn't die
Aiden did Michael killed him and then
killed her
so now we get a little more context yeah
it's all making sense now right I mean
not really but like maybe you got a
system belief for like this entire [ __ ]
yeah
um so we switched to Fiona's perspective
and Fiona's like like Bennett is the
little boy his mom runs in she's like
you should take him and get far away
from this office Kayla has suddenly
disappeared from where she'd been
standing
we then switched to Aiden's perspective
like this is just like a monologue for
Aiden like there's not
there's not action sets so we're just
like this is where a lot of the pieces
connect
okay so we learn he
is a convicted felon he did indeed kill
his father when he was a juvenile and
was protecting his mother he is very
much in love with Kayla
um Kayla and Michael married very young
before Michael's mental illness got
really bad and he decompensated um
Michael is indeed a mathematic genius
who worked at the University
um but he also was diagnosed
paranoid schizophrenia and narcissistic
personality disorder what a double
whammy well and also
also how they kind of describe it in the
book is like
yeah when you combine a narcissist with
a very paranoid person you have someone
who's not gonna like be consistent in a
treatment regimen right um and so he
keeps going off of his meds
um Michael and Kayla had separated after
he kicked her in the stomach while she
was pregnant oh um and caused her to
miscarry because he thought aliens or
some [ __ ] like that had impregnated her
and then he like continued to
decompensate
um then after their separation he
started following her
so the dude following her was her
ex-husband and all of these like
glimpses right
um and then
like I guess the first time that there
had been any like
maybe awareness that Michael wasn't
doing great was the day before their
wedding some small things that I'm off
rattled him and he like grabbed her arm
and left the Bruce uh the thumbprint
uh-huh
so
then we go back
we're now back to Kayla four months ago
um she had just separated from Michael
it's like holds a little funeral
um and berries like in the backyard a
box that has like their marriage license
her wedding rings and like their
sonogram photo
um and then goes to Aiden's house and
he's like do you finally have the
clarity you need like and she's like I
do and then
um they start making out
he throws her on his bed she lands on a
book it's a book of poetry it's the
Divine Comedy by Dante Alighieri I'm
[ __ ] up that man's name I'm so sorry
everyone
um then like they're like discussing the
book discussing that their names are are
anagrams and they have this like
beautiful four months together and then
we get to the accident on New Year's Eve
where Kayla and Aiden had decided they
were going to take the boat out to watch
the fireworks
when they get on the boat Michael is
there and has a gun pulled
um and Kayla like
it like clicked she's like oh [ __ ] like
Michael's like he looks home like I
think he might be like living on the
boat
um oh yeah like really not doing well at
all
um Michael thinks Aiden is CIA and is
like trying to steal his like math
formulas
Kayla's trying to intercede and
is then Michael like thinks she's CIA
too
um Aiden's like trying to be the Martyr
and like get Kayla off the boat right
and just a very chaotic scene as a whole
um Michael ends up shooting Aiden she
like throws herself on Aiden's body he
ends up like pistol whipping her she
comes too as he's like tossing her
overboard and then she's like
he reaches for and she's like oh he's
realized like something is clicked like
he's going to help me out of the water
and instead he strangles her
on her neck yeah got it on her neck
um and then his buffalo nickel falls
into the water like while he's drowning
her
um
and that like fireworks are happening
and he's laughing while she takes her
last breath because he just
not well
so that's one way to say it yes
um Kayla awakens and it's like
the present again if you will she's
she's not alive
and she like sits up and like looks
around the house and is like
yeah this these aren't my decorations
this isn't my furniture like it's my
house but it's not my house
um and we learn like the new owners had
kept Fiona on and so like when like
Fiona turned off the alarm
they had given her when she was like how
do you think so then like when Fiona was
like you can't tell a ghost they're dead
right right it's like all of these
things
um
and then the doorbell rings
and when she goes and opens the door
it's Aiden and it had been him writing
her like trying to communicate and like
get to her the entire time and he's like
did you like the life let the life fast
and she's like nice touch it's kind of
like tonally and then she's like
but why were the letters from the State
Penitentiary like what and he's like
she was like was that where you were is
that a something about your past and
he's like no that's a hint for the
future that's where Michael is and
they're like let's go haunt him
what a romantic anything and then we get
to the epilogue which is a forensic
interview of Michael who is like
honestly
thinking about cluster B
um I think it reads a little more like
anti-social narcissistic like not just
narcissistic I'm like more of like a
cluster B situation yes I'm like it's
not just narcissists yeah from like hell
maybe that's just my perspective
um but like because Michael's like I
shouldn't be locked up people with
genius IQ shouldn't be like I'm a
contributing member of society I was
having a psychotic episode like I
shouldn't be held accountable and
they're like well
if you're saying like you are mentally
fit to stand trial
then that doesn't matter right you can't
have both
um and so like wow like and he's just
like being a complete Michael's being
such a dick to the doctor like this
entire time and
um then the doctor is like yeah if
you're deemed mentally competent to
stand trial like there will be evidence
that's introduced um of you having an
affair with that woman who was like
sobbing at the funeral of you taking a
life insurance policy out on your wife
like all of these different things but
while he's talking to him suddenly
Michael's fixated on the wall behind him
and then starts like freaking out and is
like it's them and they're like he is
responding to internal stimuli and then
he's like stop saying that word and the
doctor's like what are they saying and
Michael goes Boo
and that's how the entire [ __ ] book
ends
what
yeah so
what a journey
it was such a roller coaster because
early on I was like I'm here for the
injury I'm here for the suspense I'm
here for the sexy Scooby-Doo then we
just went sexually weird for a very long
time in a way that I could not get on
board with this is like the Sixth Sense
meets
um A Beautiful Mind
yes also my husband is sitting here like
these are all of the words he wants to
say
yeah that's what this is this is a sixth
sense Means A Beautiful Mind meets
double dip Double Jeopardy is what it is
and some Poltergeist and a little bit of
Scooby-Doo
yeah so quick pivot during
um
work this week we were had a team
meeting and there was a question asked
that was like okay if you had to choose
a male and female actress to play you in
a movie who would you choose they don't
have to look like you it's just like who
you'd want to play you
and I chose Kristen Wiig nice um but
then I was like I can't think of a male
to like play me
and I I have some chronic laryngitis
issues and my co-worker goes
Chelsea I'm getting strong Matthew
Lillard Vibes for you and she's like I
think he could do a lot with your
laryngitis
um and I was like reading this book and
already had the term sexy Scooby-Doo in
my head I was just thinking about when
he was Shaggy
I'm like
to be totally fair though like I
love Matthew Lillard though
he's he's very endearing they're
definitely yes well and I was like I'll
go with Matthew Lillard because I can't
think of anything else and then when
they circled back to me at the end of
the meeting they're like have you
thought of anyone I was like I'll keep
Matthew Lillard but I'll also maybe
throw in Owen Wilson yeah I can see it
yeah
um so
maybe Matthew Lillard will start in the
movie adaptation of pen pal
that would be awesome well because like
all right reading the premise of pen pal
I was so intrigued because the premise
was really like
gets a letter from the State
Penitentiary that's like I'll wait
forever and she's like for what for you
and then like
there's a it's like it's something to
the effect of there's a knock on the
door
and it's her pen pal or like something
like that but I'm like okay nowhere in
here do we mention [ __ ] ghosts like I
wasn't really expecting the Paranormal
side of it so I was like okay I'm here
for this
but it was such a journey and I disliked
so much of the journey
I like that it ended with them haunting
the dude right
um
I don't know I feel so conflicted about
this book well I feel like our rating
scale should be nickels
I was gonna go with Scooby Snacks oh yep
Scooby Snacks is better
like depending on different parts of the
book I would give it varying levels of
Scooby Snacks sure like up until like 40
I'd probably give it like four out of
five Scooby Snacks
eight out of ten yeah I can math
um I can't I'm so [ __ ] at math
um as we all know everyone here has
heard me trying math so many things at
this point um
but then I feel like I like go like
1.5 or two Scooby Snacks out of five
that might still be generous two out of
ten Scooby snacks that feels too low
three
foreign
do you like just hearing my internal
process I'm loving it break it down well
then I'm like okay like I feel like when
it got weird and there was the weird
sex in the forest
I was like that we're down to like yeah
two one Scooby Snack no matter which way
you slice it you only get one right
but then like how it ended and wrapped
up it kind of redeemed itself for me in
some ways right
[ __ ] man
so what I'm gathering is that we're
looking at like a three out of five I
was literally I was like 2.5 out of five
so five out of ten yeah I feel like a 50
is a really solid okay it has its
moments it has its Ebbs and flows but I
think that's where we average out to so
five out of ten Scooby Snacks is my the
is the highest I can go that's my final
offer
I will accept
I know you aren't gonna read it would
you rate it a different number of Scooby
Snacks
no I mean I like the idea of the story
is pretty cool and unique that's not I
hadn't read something like it yeah yeah
it's Unique so I feel like that bumps it
a little and also if you can't get
through the sex scenes without going or
like a full body like cringe then that's
gonna bring it down so I feel like 50
makes sense sucking my clits like
milking a nipple
stop it I just did have a full body
cringe I didn't like that I don't like
that no there's nothing arousing about
it no it was nothing arousing about
stupid thing to say I just don't okay
now the word nibble can get can get the
[ __ ] out
I'm not here for it okay five Scooby
Snacks final offer
let us know what you guys would rate it
let us know what you think this one I
feel like is a really
it could be very polarizing I feel uh
that's yes that's literally what I was
about to say I was like I feel like I
can see it going either way
not for me
um
but for some people I could see it going
either way I agree I think it'll be
really polarizing because I will say I
feel like when I first pulled it up on
Goodreads there were a lot of like five
star reviews and then I feel like the
last time I put it up on Goodreads the
first review I saw was like one star and
I was like I get it because I hadn't
finished it and now I'm a little bit
further so I'm like 2.5
like on Goodreads since you have to
round down like you can't do like half
like I would give it two not three on
Goodreads yeah I feel like there are
some books that'll do a half rating and
I'll like round up I think this one I
would I would round down
I feel like that's fair I mean
yeah so
thanks for going on that all the way
around that Journey yeah all the way oh
[ __ ] hell
um
I think we all need a palette cleanser
after that Journey yeah I'm gonna uh
probably need some more rum for
to if I'm going to be able to continue
remember when I told you I needed
alcohol for that one I do remember and
you get you you get it I do
so we hope that all of you are
responsibly enjoying whatever you choose
to partake in to relax
thank you guys for joining us
we love you we miss you let us know your
thoughts we can't wait to hear him have
a good day bye smart [ __ ]
for this week's mud [ __ ] we hope it was
good for you cause it sure was great for
us if you're digging what we're doing it
would mean a lot if you'd take a minute
to rate and review the show wherever
you're listening right now
maybe tell that sexy someone to Linda
senior
we love you we appreciate you
we'll see you next week
stay spotty
[Music]