WEBVTT 00:00:03.095 --> 00:00:06.071 Conflict and challenge can arise in a flash. 00:00:06.505 --> 00:00:10.202 Being able to communicate calmly and clearly in these situations 00:00:10.203 --> 00:00:14.625 can have a huge impact on your short and long-term relationships. 00:00:15.014 --> 00:00:18.000 My name is Matt Abrahams, and I teach Strategic Communication at 00:00:18.003 --> 00:00:19.950 Stanford Graduate School of Business. 00:00:20.264 --> 00:00:23.656 Welcome to this special Quick Thinks episode of Think Fast, 00:00:23.866 --> 00:00:25.412 Talk Smart, the podcast. 00:00:26.312 --> 00:00:30.440 I am thrilled to share that an updated version of my Think Faster, Talk Smarter 00:00:30.440 --> 00:00:32.713 book and audiobook is now available. 00:00:33.214 --> 00:00:37.250 I've added content that shares how best to leverage AI for spontaneous 00:00:37.250 --> 00:00:41.638 speaking, how to reduce the added communication anxiety AI can bring, 00:00:41.965 --> 00:00:46.403 along with many other best practices I've learned since the book first came out. 00:00:46.971 --> 00:00:51.105 Additionally, I've added a chapter many people requested on how to 00:00:51.111 --> 00:00:53.209 handle in-the-moment conflict. 00:00:53.861 --> 00:00:57.556 Take a listen to an excerpt from the updated audiobook on how to better 00:00:57.557 --> 00:01:01.958 manage emotional challenges that can flare up in our relationships. 00:01:04.230 --> 00:01:10.333 Application number seven: staying calm, focused, and clear when conflict strikes. 00:01:12.335 --> 00:01:13.022 Key insight. 00:01:14.446 --> 00:01:18.463 Years ago, a friend of mine ran into some unexpected trouble during a birthday 00:01:18.464 --> 00:01:20.481 dinner for his sister that he was hosting. 00:01:21.293 --> 00:01:25.609 As my friend was slicing up his sister's favorite roast chicken dish, she made a 00:01:25.609 --> 00:01:28.007 snide remark about his parenting skills. 00:01:28.655 --> 00:01:31.403 Feeling hurt and offended, he couldn't help but lob some 00:01:31.413 --> 00:01:32.767 bitter insults back at her. 00:01:33.260 --> 00:01:37.077 Their dispute escalated, and despite the efforts of other family members 00:01:37.078 --> 00:01:39.371 to intervene, his sister stormed out. 00:01:39.905 --> 00:01:41.746 The two didn't speak for a few years. 00:01:42.415 --> 00:01:45.604 Today, my friend realizes that their rupture didn't have to happen, but 00:01:45.604 --> 00:01:49.358 was spurred by the spontaneous, unpredictable nature of the conflict. 00:01:50.201 --> 00:01:54.012 Caught by surprise, he simply couldn't handle the situation as calmly 00:01:54.055 --> 00:01:56.088 and productively as he might have. 00:01:57.581 --> 00:02:00.395 Conflicts in relationships might be unpleasant, but 00:02:00.396 --> 00:02:02.208 they aren't inherently bad. 00:02:02.608 --> 00:02:04.333 In fact, they're essential. 00:02:05.054 --> 00:02:08.330 Research suggests that conflict, when properly handled, can lead to better 00:02:08.330 --> 00:02:12.040 work outcomes, stronger relationships, and creative problem-solving. 00:02:12.719 --> 00:02:16.572 The key is to overcome the strong emotions that seize hold of us when we 00:02:16.632 --> 00:02:19.100 unexpectedly find ourselves under fire. 00:02:20.343 --> 00:02:24.502 The spontaneous nature of these moments is precisely what makes them so challenging. 00:02:24.913 --> 00:02:28.072 When someone takes offense at a comment we've made, or interrupts with 00:02:28.072 --> 00:02:31.369 sharp criticism, or says something that disappoints us and leaves us 00:02:31.370 --> 00:02:36.082 stewing, we know that an aggressive or otherwise ill-advised retort on 00:02:36.086 --> 00:02:38.620 our part will only make matters worse. 00:02:39.277 --> 00:02:42.922 We have to get our message right, but we're also usually not at our 00:02:42.922 --> 00:02:45.381 calmest, clearest, or most rational. 00:02:46.006 --> 00:02:50.063 These situations demand our very best communication precisely when 00:02:50.063 --> 00:02:53.482 our stress response undermines our ability to deliver it. 00:02:55.122 --> 00:02:59.659 As Joseph Grenny, co-author of the book Crucial Conversations notes, "Under 00:02:59.661 --> 00:03:03.986 conditions of threat, we have a tendency to tell ourselves three kinds of stories: 00:03:04.652 --> 00:03:10.450 victim, villain, and helpless stories." In the moment, my friend might have convinced 00:03:10.451 --> 00:03:14.137 himself that he was a helpless victim who had been accosted by his sister. 00:03:14.372 --> 00:03:16.394 He hadn't done anything to deserve that. 00:03:17.401 --> 00:03:20.494 He might have framed his sister as the villain, someone who apparently 00:03:20.497 --> 00:03:24.418 feels entitled to say whatever she wants, regardless of whom she hurts. 00:03:25.197 --> 00:03:28.392 He might have justified the insults he threw at her by reasoning that he 00:03:28.392 --> 00:03:30.596 had no choice as he was under attack. 00:03:31.567 --> 00:03:34.277 Anyone affronted like he'd been would have responded similarly. 00:03:34.720 --> 00:03:37.093 He was helpless to respond otherwise. 00:03:38.405 --> 00:03:42.705 These three kinds of narratives work together to lock us into defensiveness. 00:03:43.050 --> 00:03:47.345 They amp up our emotions and justify unhealthy responses, creating what 00:03:47.345 --> 00:03:51.190 researchers call a conflict spiral in which negative emotions and 00:03:51.190 --> 00:03:53.325 expressions feed on themselves. 00:03:54.395 --> 00:03:56.502 We're not doomed to such spirals. 00:03:57.075 --> 00:04:00.195 With the right tools and a bit of practice, we can train ourselves 00:04:00.197 --> 00:04:04.185 to overcome the emotions that arise when we're caught by surprise so 00:04:04.185 --> 00:04:07.398 that we can respond in ways that strengthen our relationships. 00:04:07.980 --> 00:04:11.808 Although we might not always achieve the outcomes we want, we can boost our 00:04:11.809 --> 00:04:17.221 chances if we learn to manage conflict productively and disagree nicely 00:04:19.827 --> 00:04:20.723 Why it matters. 00:04:22.342 --> 00:04:25.089 Understanding how to communicate effectively in these unplanned 00:04:25.092 --> 00:04:28.506 conflict moments is one of the most valuable skills we can develop. 00:04:29.099 --> 00:04:33.458 When we mishandle impromptu disagreements at work or at home, our productivity 00:04:33.495 --> 00:04:35.644 and that of others around us declines. 00:04:36.170 --> 00:04:38.949 Our relationships fracture, and we can suffer long-term 00:04:38.949 --> 00:04:40.469 damage to our reputations. 00:04:41.035 --> 00:04:44.494 We also miss the opportunity to learn about ourselves and others, which 00:04:44.496 --> 00:04:48.635 could lead to better solutions and set us up better for future interactions. 00:04:49.377 --> 00:04:54.213 When we become adept at disagreeing, we can become more effective, happier, 00:04:54.235 --> 00:04:56.227 and connected with others around us. 00:04:58.846 --> 00:05:00.462 Craft your content. 00:05:02.244 --> 00:05:06.029 A mountain of research exists around conflict, and I've been fortunate to 00:05:06.030 --> 00:05:10.950 have a number of experts appear on my Think Fast, Talk Smart podcast as guests. 00:05:11.615 --> 00:05:15.813 Coming away from these conversations, it occurred to me that devices from earlier 00:05:15.813 --> 00:05:21.419 in this audiobook, for instance, what, so what, now what, can help structure 00:05:21.419 --> 00:05:25.935 our communication responses in conflict, so we don't simply need another one. 00:05:26.582 --> 00:05:30.563 Instead, we need a method for cautiously laying the groundwork 00:05:30.565 --> 00:05:32.099 for an effective response. 00:05:33.286 --> 00:05:36.387 Before we can pin down precisely how to communicate when in the heat of 00:05:36.389 --> 00:05:41.167 conflict, we first must step back, calm ourselves, and interrogate 00:05:41.169 --> 00:05:43.058 the situation in a methodical way. 00:05:43.870 --> 00:05:47.392 Synthesizing the insights and approaches of my podcast guests, 00:05:47.421 --> 00:05:54.060 I've arrived at a five-step framework called CLEAR, C-L-E-A-R, that allows 00:05:54.062 --> 00:05:57.971 us to achieve a refreshing clarity even in the most heated moments. 00:05:59.460 --> 00:06:01.030 C, check yourself. 00:06:02.009 --> 00:06:04.359 L, listen with receptiveness. 00:06:05.251 --> 00:06:07.626 E, explore their perspective. 00:06:08.654 --> 00:06:11.450 A, acknowledge before advocating. 00:06:12.393 --> 00:06:14.916 R, respond strategically. 00:06:16.647 --> 00:06:19.340 After running through the first four steps in the CLEAR framework, 00:06:19.352 --> 00:06:23.282 you can then leverage earlier structures in the R step to help you 00:06:23.301 --> 00:06:25.217 craft your message in the moment. 00:06:26.265 --> 00:06:29.313 Let's explore each of these five steps in turn. 00:06:31.321 --> 00:06:33.391 Step one: Check yourself. 00:06:34.940 --> 00:06:39.271 Self-awareness is the foundation for effective communication during conflicts. 00:06:39.867 --> 00:06:43.792 You can't engage productively with others if you don't understand 00:06:43.792 --> 00:06:45.590 your own internal state. 00:06:46.470 --> 00:06:49.930 Jenn Wynn, a professor at New York University's Stern School of Business, 00:06:49.961 --> 00:06:54.449 advises we should first look for cues and clues that we're feeling triggered: 00:06:54.867 --> 00:06:58.938 a lump in our throat, butterflies, a clenched jaw, a quickened pulse. 00:06:59.803 --> 00:07:04.000 If we sense these and similar signs, we can learn to pause, even just 00:07:04.008 --> 00:07:07.982 for a few seconds, taking a breath or two while imagining a peaceful 00:07:07.982 --> 00:07:10.340 place or person whom we find calming. 00:07:11.292 --> 00:07:14.824 This serves to activate our parasympathetic nervous system and 00:07:14.824 --> 00:07:16.577 counteract our stress response. 00:07:17.421 --> 00:07:21.405 It also gives us a moment to shift out of a reactive mode and move from a 00:07:21.409 --> 00:07:23.921 hotter emotional state to a cooler one. 00:07:25.494 --> 00:07:28.601 As we're pausing, we can reframe the situation in our minds, 00:07:28.803 --> 00:07:32.477 reminding ourselves that what we initially took as a threat might 00:07:32.514 --> 00:07:34.768 actually be an opportunity to learn. 00:07:35.536 --> 00:07:38.751 We might ask ourselves why someone might reasonably be acting as 00:07:38.751 --> 00:07:40.539 our partner in conflict is. 00:07:42.424 --> 00:07:46.884 Example: Years ago, a colleague of mine, I'll call him Chuck, 00:07:47.116 --> 00:07:50.199 and I were collaborating on a fairly high-stakes work project. 00:07:50.724 --> 00:07:54.173 During a meeting with our mutual boss, Chuck proposed a course of action 00:07:54.174 --> 00:07:57.991 that undercut me and ran counter to what he and I had previously agreed. 00:07:58.599 --> 00:08:00.520 I was surprised and angry. 00:08:01.149 --> 00:08:04.468 I felt my chest tighten as it always does when I get upset, and 00:08:04.468 --> 00:08:08.239 this clued me in to take a moment to pause and check in with myself. 00:08:08.727 --> 00:08:12.306 Rather than rushing to confront Chuck in front of our boss, I managed to 00:08:12.307 --> 00:08:16.304 calmly ask Chuck why he thought his approach was the best course of action. 00:08:18.393 --> 00:08:20.709 Step two: Listen openly. 00:08:22.299 --> 00:08:25.507 Once you've checked yourself, focus on listening, making use of the 00:08:25.507 --> 00:08:27.299 skills presented in chapter four. 00:08:28.111 --> 00:08:29.826 Passive hearing isn't enough. 00:08:30.172 --> 00:08:34.051 You must show genuine curiosity about the other person's perspective and 00:08:34.070 --> 00:08:36.276 openness to what they might be saying. 00:08:36.827 --> 00:08:41.743 What Harvard University's Julia Minson calls conversational receptiveness. 00:08:42.630 --> 00:08:46.021 As she found in her research, adding simple phrases that express 00:08:46.043 --> 00:08:49.943 a willingness to learn dramatically changes how others perceive us. 00:08:50.621 --> 00:08:55.249 Try saying, "I understand this is a really complicated topic, and I'd love 00:08:55.249 --> 00:09:00.434 to understand your point of view," or, "I get that some people might disagree, and 00:09:00.435 --> 00:09:02.300 I'd like to learn about your perspective." 00:09:03.820 --> 00:09:09.134 You can also convey curiosity explicitly by asking respectful, open questions. 00:09:09.874 --> 00:09:13.288 As the person speaks, process what they're saying rather than planning 00:09:13.345 --> 00:09:15.024 out what you're going to say next. 00:09:15.891 --> 00:09:18.856 We often feel uncomfortable showing curiosity when we're in 00:09:18.857 --> 00:09:22.129 conflict with others, as it can feel like we're acquiescing. 00:09:22.582 --> 00:09:25.888 But the benefits of curiosity and listening are significant. 00:09:26.485 --> 00:09:29.949 As Minson notes, research participants who expressed curiosity 00:09:29.949 --> 00:09:33.133 came across as dramatically more reasonable and thoughtful and 00:09:33.135 --> 00:09:34.899 pleasant than those who didn't. 00:09:36.695 --> 00:09:42.808 Example, in my conflict with Chuck, I asked lots of questions, including, "What 00:09:42.810 --> 00:09:47.494 are the short and long-term implications of your plan of action?" And, "Are there 00:09:47.495 --> 00:09:52.187 ways that we can support your goals while also addressing mine?" I queried 00:09:52.193 --> 00:09:56.670 him about specific tactical issues like cost, timing, and scalability. 00:09:57.230 --> 00:09:59.297 My tone here was critically important. 00:09:59.585 --> 00:10:03.135 I conveyed genuine curiosity and deference, listening 00:10:03.136 --> 00:10:04.722 intently to his responses. 00:10:05.465 --> 00:10:08.877 Although Chuck did provide a clear rationale and detailed information, 00:10:09.060 --> 00:10:11.133 he wound up digging into his position. 00:10:11.922 --> 00:10:15.346 This wasn't what I'd hoped, but at least I had a better sense of how 00:10:15.348 --> 00:10:19.196 strongly he held his position and how thoroughly he'd thought it out. 00:10:21.451 --> 00:10:24.127 Step three: Explore their perspective. 00:10:25.670 --> 00:10:29.070 Before you can respond effectively, be sure that you understand not 00:10:29.088 --> 00:10:32.077 just what the other person is saying, but why they're saying it. 00:10:32.648 --> 00:10:35.800 This requires that you think strategically about their situation, 00:10:35.801 --> 00:10:37.213 motivations, and interests. 00:10:37.756 --> 00:10:41.844 Ask yourself, "What's going on in this person's mind? What concerns do they 00:10:41.844 --> 00:10:46.024 have?" Thinking back to the villain stories that Joseph Grenny mentioned, try 00:10:46.024 --> 00:10:48.193 to challenge such narratives in your mind. 00:10:48.713 --> 00:10:52.211 Might this person be behaving more reasonably or rationally than you think? 00:10:52.710 --> 00:10:56.185 Do they have insight, perspective, or experience that you lack, and 00:10:56.185 --> 00:10:58.145 might this be guiding their actions? 00:10:58.796 --> 00:11:01.347 Are you ascribing negative intent to them where none existed? 00:11:03.203 --> 00:11:08.052 Example: as my conversation with Chuck unfolded, my boss and I learned that 00:11:08.054 --> 00:11:11.849 he was really most concerned about finding a new role for an employee 00:11:11.850 --> 00:11:16.019 of his who had a lot of potential but was struggling in his current role. 00:11:16.733 --> 00:11:19.928 The desire to help this employee was a key reason that Chuck had 00:11:19.939 --> 00:11:23.387 deviated from the course of action on which we'd previously agreed 00:11:25.623 --> 00:11:28.949 Step four: Acknowledge before advocating. 00:11:30.481 --> 00:11:33.345 Once you understand the other person's perspective, don't just 00:11:33.346 --> 00:11:34.694 rush in presenting your own. 00:11:35.211 --> 00:11:38.351 Rather, convey your understanding by paraphrasing back what the 00:11:38.353 --> 00:11:41.719 other person said and making sure that you've heard them correctly. 00:11:42.437 --> 00:11:46.376 Many conflicts flare out of control because we rush to make our point without 00:11:46.385 --> 00:11:48.500 first showing we've genuinely listened. 00:11:49.395 --> 00:11:52.827 By conveying our understanding, we're not necessarily agreeing 00:11:52.827 --> 00:11:53.719 with the other person. 00:11:54.292 --> 00:11:58.253 We're simply demonstrating that we've heard them and that we respect them enough 00:11:58.260 --> 00:12:00.142 to consider carefully what they're saying. 00:12:01.629 --> 00:12:04.900 In repeating what you've heard, emphasize any points of agreement, 00:12:05.309 --> 00:12:09.341 ask for clarification if needed, and guard against subtly disparaging 00:12:09.342 --> 00:12:12.177 or reframing what they've said in the course of paraphrasing it. 00:12:12.991 --> 00:12:15.994 When conveying disagreement, don't immediately contradict 00:12:15.995 --> 00:12:19.906 it, but instead point to a more integrative and inclusive approach. 00:12:20.531 --> 00:12:23.813 Instead of saying, "I understand you're frustrated, but we discussed this 00:12:23.814 --> 00:12:28.197 deadline last week," say, "I understand why you might be frustrated, and I 00:12:28.198 --> 00:12:33.352 wanna talk about how we can make this deadline work." The simple use of and 00:12:33.364 --> 00:12:36.265 instead of but makes all the difference. 00:12:38.095 --> 00:12:43.783 Example: After posing questions and listening attentively, I recounted Chuck's 00:12:43.795 --> 00:12:48.490 position in my own words, indicating that I understood how strongly he felt 00:12:48.760 --> 00:12:50.589 and that I appreciated his position. 00:12:51.190 --> 00:12:54.752 I also indicated respectfully that I didn't agree with him and that I 00:12:54.766 --> 00:12:57.680 also had an alternative viewpoint that was worth considering. 00:12:59.958 --> 00:13:02.256 Step five: Respond strategically. 00:13:03.682 --> 00:13:07.299 After the first four steps, you're finally ready to respond substantively. 00:13:08.121 --> 00:13:11.210 You might feel tempted to advocate strongly for your position and 00:13:11.211 --> 00:13:13.318 adopt a take no prisoners approach. 00:13:13.803 --> 00:13:16.544 Instead, respond with an eye toward maintaining the relationship 00:13:16.564 --> 00:13:18.037 and keeping dialogue open. 00:13:18.845 --> 00:13:22.678 Following the advice given elsewhere in this audiobook, clarify your own 00:13:22.690 --> 00:13:26.661 deeper goals and core priorities, and adjust your communication given 00:13:26.661 --> 00:13:28.728 the specific relationships in play. 00:13:29.887 --> 00:13:32.673 Think, too, about which communication medium might be the most 00:13:32.676 --> 00:13:34.761 advantageous given the circumstances. 00:13:35.193 --> 00:13:38.636 Instead of responding immediately in the moment, perhaps it would help to 00:13:38.636 --> 00:13:40.300 wait a few hours and send an email. 00:13:40.976 --> 00:13:44.121 Doing so might give you and the other person time and space to 00:13:44.121 --> 00:13:46.254 think and let your emotions cool. 00:13:47.107 --> 00:13:51.278 On the other hand, email might feel too formal, and using it might be taken as 00:13:51.278 --> 00:13:53.507 a sign of distancing and disrespect. 00:13:54.234 --> 00:13:56.221 It all depends on the situation. 00:13:58.038 --> 00:14:02.806 Example: In my conflict with Chuck, I thought of a way we could implement 00:14:02.817 --> 00:14:07.280 his desired course of action while modifying it to satisfy my concerns. 00:14:07.717 --> 00:14:10.971 We could adopt a phased approach that allowed his employee to 00:14:10.971 --> 00:14:14.741 do both the role Chuck wanted and a bit of the role I needed. 00:14:15.384 --> 00:14:18.294 This wasn't a perfect solution, but it was good enough. 00:14:18.862 --> 00:14:21.882 Although Chuck grew heated, I presented this solution in a way 00:14:21.909 --> 00:14:23.799 that was calm and reasonable. 00:14:24.289 --> 00:14:27.713 My boss expressed appreciation for the professional way I'd conducted 00:14:27.713 --> 00:14:31.540 myself, and in the end, he decided to go with what I proposed. 00:14:33.755 --> 00:14:37.912 Well, there you have it, a clear way to handle the in-the-moment 00:14:37.914 --> 00:14:40.448 conflicts that we all experience. 00:14:41.074 --> 00:14:44.009 I find myself relying on these techniques often, and they 00:14:44.010 --> 00:14:45.700 really can make a difference. 00:14:45.981 --> 00:14:48.613 I encourage you to use these techniques as well. 00:14:49.262 --> 00:14:53.246 Please check out my updated Think Faster, Talk Smarter book wherever 00:14:53.247 --> 00:14:55.326 you get your books and audiobooks. 00:14:55.875 --> 00:15:00.796 This episode was produced by Katherine Reed, Ryan Campos, and me, Matt Abrahams. 00:15:01.058 --> 00:15:04.676 Our music is from Floyd Wonder, with special thanks to Podium Podcast 00:15:04.705 --> 00:15:09.440 Company and the audio team at Simon & Schuster for providing this excerpt.