Speaker 1: Hey, they're hi. They're hole there. Hello there as welcome
Speaker 1: as can be to beardless dickless me.
Speaker 2: I'm Kevin Smith and I'm Harley Quinn Smith.
Speaker 1: Let me tell you something. I was back east. I
Speaker 1: did some shows at Spodcastle this weekend and then I
Speaker 1: went to see Mamily. So this week's show, unless you
Speaker 1: have something to bring to the table, Wow, will be
Speaker 1: primarily about those things. However, her I think with the
Speaker 1: audience craves is a Bill update.
Speaker 2: I keep getting messages on Instagram about Billy people are people?
Speaker 2: Are the people need to know the Billy update?
Speaker 1: Like what's going on with this rabbit? And it's nuts.
Speaker 1: So for those who came in late, Billy is Harley's
Speaker 1: rescue rabbit, rescued from bel Air. He's just like, hardly
Speaker 1: a rescue. More like I was fucking kidnapped from Paradise,
Speaker 1: brought to the fucking fire valley, and then and then
Speaker 1: I was taken to a doctor. I thought for a
Speaker 1: check out.
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's been a it's been a rough couple of
Speaker 2: weeks for Bill. Bill had to evacuate. Bill was first
Speaker 2: brought taken from his previous home and brought to mine.
Speaker 1: That probably wasn't explained to him either. I tried, and
Speaker 1: now once you got them, you probably found out why.
Speaker 1: They were like, take this fuck bunny away. Bunny kids.
Speaker 1: I mean, look, they're all fu bunnies, but this they are.
Speaker 1: She was at one point probably and then somebody had
Speaker 1: her fixed.
Speaker 2: You know, Cinnamon could have had babies and I didn't
Speaker 2: even know, like before yeah, but before because.
Speaker 3: She could have had a whole fan, she could have
Speaker 3: had a whole family.
Speaker 1: It's true.
Speaker 2: I wonder if there are Siner children out there? You know,
Speaker 2: ever thought about it?
Speaker 1: I did once. I was like, this is Bunny, Yeah,
Speaker 1: any kids? And is that why? You know? She looks
Speaker 1: at me bitter like, buddy, let me out. I've got
Speaker 1: to get to my kids. Did she wait? Did they
Speaker 1: all right? So you know how lucky he's got like
Speaker 1: fucking danglers? Whoa whoa glass? Nipples Galore, that's her big name. Nipples.
Speaker 2: Don't talk about Way's nipples.
Speaker 1: Welcome to the stage, Nipples Galore. People are like, uh,
Speaker 1: I don't want to give a ten dollars bill to
Speaker 1: a crying German shepherd dog stripper. What happened to this club?
Speaker 2: Kind of looks like a bear yeah.
Speaker 1: More bear like than dog. And this is really sad.
Speaker 1: It's just said, it's not even a human? What? What? Where? Do?
Speaker 2: Where am I?
Speaker 1: What's going on? Tried something different? You know they have
Speaker 1: vegan strip clubs like an organ. We'll hear dog strip clubs.
Speaker 1: Look at all them nipples regardless. Going back to the nipples, Wow,
Speaker 1: we know she has had a litter, not just Birdie
Speaker 1: is living proof. But you can tell about nipples? Do rabbits?
Speaker 2: I can't say I ever saw Cinnamon's nipples.
Speaker 1: So maybe I can't say. And what well? Have you
Speaker 1: ever seen a video of baby rabbits nursing? Yeah? Did
Speaker 1: they do it like dogs? Like puppies at the belly?
Speaker 2: Actually, I think, But now that you mention it, welcome
Speaker 2: to the stage.
Speaker 1: Nipples galore, ladies and gentlemen.
Speaker 2: He wants us to stop talking about her nipples?
Speaker 1: What's up? Nipples?
Speaker 2: Whoa that?
Speaker 1: Fucking? That would get? That would get a twenty dollars
Speaker 1: bill for me?
Speaker 2: That's our performance.
Speaker 1: I would just put it on the stage, though I
Speaker 1: wouldn't handed to her. Have you ever been to a
Speaker 1: strip club?
Speaker 2: Yes? Have you?
Speaker 3: No?
Speaker 1: I no? When have you been in a strip club?
Speaker 2: In Vegas?
Speaker 1: Oh really Yeah, when fancy overpet? Did you get like
Speaker 1: a bottle of Christa?
Speaker 4: Like we were young, as young as young ass who
Speaker 4: exactly what did you do?
Speaker 2: What one does have a strip club?
Speaker 1: But I mean, were you guys doing something else? You're like,
Speaker 1: you didn't go to Vegas just to go to strip club,
Speaker 1: because if you did, I raised your poorly.
Speaker 2: No, we were there. We were there. It was when
Speaker 2: I was there with Austin, Gabe, Nick and Luke.
Speaker 1: So you were like, let's all go to the strip club.
Speaker 4: Yeah.
Speaker 1: Were you on the stage? Did you do private dances?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 1: Did you go to the champagne room?
Speaker 2: No?
Speaker 1: Were you near the stage?
Speaker 2: Yeah?
Speaker 1: Did you hand money over to the chorus? Did you
Speaker 1: hand them the money with your hand or did you
Speaker 1: put it on the stage or humble it up and
Speaker 1: hurl it in their face?
Speaker 2: I definitely didn't crumple it up.
Speaker 1: And then I raised that's good, thank god. You were
Speaker 1: like take it.
Speaker 2: I definitely gave it respectfully with your hand.
Speaker 1: Now, let me tell you strip club stories of old
Speaker 1: named Brian Johnson to go to strip clubs. There was
Speaker 1: an old period for like maybe six months maybe less,
Speaker 1: where we went to strip clubs. What feels like an
Speaker 1: inordinate amount of times. It was probably like maybe five times.
Speaker 1: There was a place called Strutters in Long Branch and
Speaker 1: it was a juice bars. You know what juice bar is.
Speaker 2: I can't say I do juice.
Speaker 1: Bar means in New Jersey, I don't know. The laws
Speaker 1: may have changed. But back then, because this is in
Speaker 1: the early nineties, mind you and you were just a
Speaker 1: twinkle in my eye at a strip club. God, there
Speaker 1: was nothing.
Speaker 2: It was my biography name.
Speaker 1: Twinkle in Dad's Eye, Twinkle in his Eye at the
Speaker 1: strip club, the Harley Quinnsmith story. We uh no, there's
Speaker 1: nothing erotic about the story. More sad, not sad, but
Speaker 1: like just kind of We went there, me and Brian
Speaker 1: like strip club, strip and then you get there and
Speaker 1: like the artist on stage, like we couldn't. We saw
Speaker 1: how the other dudes were interacting with them and it
Speaker 1: wasn't like, like, you know, aggressive or anything like that,
Speaker 1: but it was how does one put this, I guess cringe,
Speaker 1: not creepy cringe. They would, you know. So either the
Speaker 1: dancer is slightly elevated or elevated on the stage and
Speaker 1: you're sitting at the edge of the stage. So these
Speaker 1: motherfuckers and me like me and Brian saw like what
Speaker 1: was a father son team? I mean maybe brother brother,
Speaker 1: but they look like father son, so they are no. Yeah, dance,
Speaker 1: it was hot as fuck. Now welcome to the stage.
Speaker 1: Millie and the son Milli Junior. The erotic number they
Speaker 1: put together to the two number eleven an elevator. No, man,
Speaker 1: this is the two dudes watching the So the strippers
Speaker 1: dancing and stuff, and these dudes are like locked eyes
Speaker 1: like of course on her body and stuff. But when
Speaker 1: she does the dip to collects, they hold out money.
Speaker 1: They're looking into her eyes, boring into her soul as
Speaker 1: if like this is love and stuff. That unnerved me
Speaker 1: a little bit.
Speaker 2: Ye.
Speaker 1: Then the other thing that unnerved me was the dancers
Speaker 1: would to accept the bill like for these dudes, and
Speaker 1: we watched it happen, and then me and Brian, the
Speaker 1: stripper would like take the bill, but like take drag
Speaker 1: the dude's hand toward like her inner thigh or something
Speaker 1: like that. And you know, you can see some dudes
Speaker 1: just like at the top of their hand hit the
Speaker 1: inner thick and then there's some dudes that go for
Speaker 1: the fucking reach and you see the girls like move
Speaker 1: back and shit, so I mean Brian or like, you know,
Speaker 1: we don't want to be there. So the girl would
Speaker 1: dance over to us. We would be like, you don't
Speaker 1: you don't have to do anything, We just want to
Speaker 1: talk to you, and so she'd be like okay, and
Speaker 1: then she bend down and it was just like do
Speaker 1: you like doing this? There was a series of questions
Speaker 1: that we thought we were being like enlightened, loo, look
Speaker 1: at these fucking fools who are like, you know, trying
Speaker 1: to seduce the dancer or fucking worse, get hands on
Speaker 1: her and shit, we'll talk to her like she's just
Speaker 1: a real person and shit. And instead all we did
Speaker 1: we'll be like, was it like to be a stripper?
Speaker 1: Is it cold up there? Do you hate all these guys?
Speaker 1: And she I remember the one girl told us a
Speaker 1: story where she was like, it's all right, she's like
Speaker 1: earlier tonight some guy tried to stick his finger in
Speaker 1: my ass and Brian tipped her like an extra forty
Speaker 1: bucks and were This was when we were like poor.
Speaker 1: Forty bucks was like a week's wages, but we were going,
Speaker 1: you know, with dollars because it was the early nineties.
Speaker 1: But Brian with a big heart, was just like you know,
Speaker 1: first seat. He tipped her to come talk to us,
Speaker 1: and then when she gave her fucking horror fike tail,
Speaker 1: he tipped her the rest of his money so that
Speaker 1: after she moved away because eventually they move on, it
Speaker 1: was like, I don't have any more money. So there
Speaker 1: was a lot of this, a lot of like what
Speaker 1: are you guys doing after? Not in a creepy way,
Speaker 1: like do you guys want to go to the diner
Speaker 1: and get coffee? That's who we were. We thought we
Speaker 1: were better than everybody else in his chip club because
Speaker 1: we wanted to engage with the artists, not in a
Speaker 1: sexual fashion, but more like, let's just pick their brain.
Speaker 2: I just want to know what's a day in the life.
Speaker 1: Like it was. It was crazy. So I know that
Speaker 1: there are I've seen the etiquette with which one hands bills.
Speaker 1: I'm not just saying this because you're my kid, this
Speaker 1: is fucking true fact story. If I had to hand
Speaker 1: over money, it was literally like give me your hand
Speaker 1: to the stripper. I would be like shok and and
Speaker 1: Bryan wouldn't go for the whole like drag the hand
Speaker 1: over and stuff. A lot of conversations. Those the strippers
Speaker 1: may not have had to deal with us ogling them
Speaker 1: or trying to touch them. Instead, they had to deal
Speaker 1: with art, with your question, with our commerce. Are like
Speaker 1: are you.
Speaker 2: Cold as crazy?
Speaker 1: You know? They were like, oh, these fucking fools think
Speaker 1: they're different than the other fools. They're just fools in
Speaker 1: a different fucking way. And there their angle is, Hey, man,
Speaker 1: we're not like them. Yeah, we just run engage in conversation. Man,
Speaker 1: what do you think this state of the world? Man?
Speaker 1: Do you read John Irving?
Speaker 2: Oh my god, oh my god, O Lord Korean? How
Speaker 2: did you get there?
Speaker 1: I don't know. I'm trying to remember nipples. Billy Walky,
Speaker 1: Welcome to the stage.
Speaker 3: All right, so wait, back to Billy's back to okay, Yeah.
Speaker 1: So Billy was a very humpy little rabbit.
Speaker 2: Really is hoppy and humpy? Oh my lord?
Speaker 1: Happy hoppy and humpy, but happy today.
Speaker 2: May not be as happy or humpy today.
Speaker 1: Harley took Billy to the place where Billy and his
Speaker 1: balls went in.
Speaker 2: And only Billy came out.
Speaker 1: She went into the octagon Billy and his balls only
Speaker 1: one remain.
Speaker 2: Billy did get neutered yesterday.
Speaker 1: Before you go further. I just want to give you
Speaker 1: full warning. Yeah, just as somebody randomly in a review
Speaker 1: attacked you for being too first world because you were like,
Speaker 1: I don't want to get robbed the first episode, they
Speaker 1: are going to attack you for like you took choice
Speaker 1: away from that bunny.
Speaker 3: Oh my god, yourself a California.
Speaker 2: Oh lord, I just listen. He was humping my cats.
Speaker 2: I didn't want someone weird. I spread it.
Speaker 1: Did you have Austin fixed? Because I'm sure he's a
Speaker 1: humber as well. That's what you're gonna get online. I mean,
Speaker 1: I guess, because who wants to be sticky forever? Yeah,
Speaker 1: that's right. He left a lot of himself, all of it.
Speaker 1: Did Jackson pollocked your house?
Speaker 2: I hate to say he kind of did, but it
Speaker 2: was incoming.
Speaker 1: It will change.
Speaker 2: I don't think so, but.
Speaker 1: I'm double now. Literally, that's all you left me was
Speaker 1: the fun of shitting.
Speaker 2: Poor guy.
Speaker 1: I can't have a conversation. What A had going for
Speaker 1: me was this big old dick. They don't they don't
Speaker 1: take that away.
Speaker 2: They know they don't take his dick away. They just
Speaker 2: they castraight.
Speaker 1: He don't take his dick away. Billy the Bun Billy
Speaker 1: the Bunny.
Speaker 2: It's hey, it is beardless Dickless me.
Speaker 1: That's true. Oh my god, he is uh Billy Bunny Bun.
Speaker 2: Billy ballis Bun.
Speaker 3: There's a shirt Billy Billy the Ball at Bun.
Speaker 2: Speaking of shirts, Speaking of shirts, they're on the way
Speaker 2: which ones I'm a dick Lit?
Speaker 1: Do you like him?
Speaker 2: I do? If you would like to proudly wear your
Speaker 2: commitment to the show, you cannot.
Speaker 1: Do you want to acknowledge that you've heard of this
Speaker 1: show or listen to it once or twice.
Speaker 2: You can't wear it on a shirt show the world.
Speaker 1: We've got Joe Rogan type numbers by wearing your I'm
Speaker 1: a dick Lit shirt.
Speaker 2: And I couldn't get Beardless Dickless Me on the back
Speaker 2: because it was too expensive.
Speaker 1: First run of the shirts, I was like, how many
Speaker 1: does you make? Four hundred, five hundred, She's like forty.
Speaker 3: I was like, well, listen, there's a good sell up.
Speaker 2: This is a this is an investment.
Speaker 3: And experiment and now here, look, I cost money.
Speaker 1: I'm mocking this. Prows Day in my life, second Prowse
Speaker 1: day in my life. The day you were like to
Speaker 1: be accurate, I was like, thank Christ. Now you're like
Speaker 1: a T shirts at my I'm like, now she gets it.
Speaker 1: That was roughly your age when it happened when I
Speaker 1: started selling selling T shirts. Yeah, how old? Are not
Speaker 1: twenty five? You're going to be twenty six.
Speaker 2: I'm not going to answer that.
Speaker 1: I was twenty five from mall rants. Yeah really, bro,
Speaker 1: you're you're right for the T shirts. Yeah, you're gonna
Speaker 1: see man watch. Wouldn't it be amazing if you were?
Speaker 1: This was the beginning of you becoming a T shirt
Speaker 1: magne or it starts with I'm a dicklet, but like
Speaker 1: you learned to diversify, and then other people like can
Speaker 1: you make my shirt? And you become like Stanley DeSantis,
Speaker 1: the king of the T shirt in the eighties. Damn
Speaker 1: he was a dude that did all the Bowlingkle T
Speaker 1: shirts and like you know, retro vintage character T shirts
Speaker 1: now throw a rock and you can get anything on
Speaker 1: a T shirt.
Speaker 2: You can truly get anything.
Speaker 1: Literally, this was at a time where T shirts were
Speaker 1: not made to order. You were given T shirts, and
Speaker 1: the Stanley DeSantis T shirts even now online like on
Speaker 1: eBay go from like a five hundred dollars fucking t
Speaker 1: shirt that I used to own and ship. Yeah, yeah,
Speaker 1: so you could be Stanley.
Speaker 2: I'm a dick. Lit shirts are also five.
Speaker 1: Yes, that's that's how you make the money. She only
Speaker 1: made forty, but a five hundred bucks apiece. She's gonna
Speaker 1: fucking clear.
Speaker 5: Quick the problem.
Speaker 2: Just kidding their thirty thirty five dollars before shipping.
Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, don't forget that shipping an air.
Speaker 2: Don't forget about it.
Speaker 1: No, you don't, because that's the fucking hidden costs. Man.
Speaker 1: It's like you think it's the making of the T shirt,
Speaker 1: it's the sending of the T shirt out. Oh, you
Speaker 1: might want to investigate. You haven't put it up to
Speaker 1: sell yet. Okay. First thing you want to do is
Speaker 1: take a standard T shirt, stick it into an envelope
Speaker 1: of some sort or a bag, you know, at the
Speaker 1: post office or the FedEx center, depending on how everyone do it.
Speaker 1: If I'm FedEx is very expensive, Oh yeah we're not.
Speaker 1: It's probably United States post Office. So they sell, I
Speaker 1: mean they don't even sell. They give free packaging. So
Speaker 1: you could take the T shirt, go there and do
Speaker 1: a test run where you're going to, like any T
Speaker 1: shirt at that point, stepped into one of their arm
Speaker 1: in one of their plastic baggy things or a paper.
Speaker 2: Are they free?
Speaker 1: I enjoy it, I mean for the moment. Post Office
Speaker 1: may change over the course of the next four years
Speaker 1: and Jeff Bezos may take it over, it may become
Speaker 1: an Amazon post the United States Post Office, a division
Speaker 1: of Amazon. But until then, yeah, you walk in. I mean,
Speaker 1: maybe that's why post Office always hurting for money, because
Speaker 1: they give away a lot of shit, not the postage
Speaker 1: stamps that shit.
Speaker 2: Still, I'm always buying bags like a goddamn.
Speaker 1: Well, then you're a fucking sucker. Bro. I hate to say,
Speaker 1: I hate to say, skin of my skin, flesh of
Speaker 1: my flesh, cleaved for my own soul. But you're a sucker.
Speaker 1: That simple. Yes, Yeah, So you get the bag. You
Speaker 1: go there with a T shirt, you grab a bag,
Speaker 1: you stick the bag in, weigh it, and see how
Speaker 1: much it would cost to send literally anywhere in the
Speaker 1: United States. Then you'll have a general idea of what
Speaker 1: it's gonna Caution, because I'm going to tell you right now,
Speaker 1: you're saying five bucks shipping handling. That would have worked
Speaker 1: in the nineties.
Speaker 2: Bro, I never said that.
Speaker 1: Said thirty five for the shirt. I'm assuming five. You
Speaker 1: know what, You're right, I never said that.
Speaker 2: Excuse me, Well.
Speaker 1: Then it was from the nineties, because I am tooties,
Speaker 1: all right. So T shirts coming soon. They'll be available
Speaker 1: at beardless stickless meat dot com.
Speaker 3: Now to sum it.
Speaker 2: Up, yes, T shirts are coming. Billy has no balls,
Speaker 2: and uh he's he's pretty pissed about it.
Speaker 1: But has he calmed down?
Speaker 2: He has calmed down and all right.
Speaker 1: Now he just sits on the floor stairs and plots
Speaker 1: his revenge.
Speaker 3: Probably I'm not steal your nuts in the night.
Speaker 1: How about that? You're like, well, I got.
Speaker 2: SPA and neutering is very important.
Speaker 1: Was to Bob Barker, who was a neighbor of ours,
Speaker 1: lived in the neighborhood, the guy that did uh let's
Speaker 1: uh no, no, let's make a deal. What was it
Speaker 1: called the right Oh. Ever, at the end of every
Speaker 1: episode he was like, don't forget to spay and new
Speaker 1: to your pets? Really yeah, I was gonna be like,
Speaker 1: are you fucking high? You're like, no, I'm just twenty
Speaker 1: five and I never watched that much big part of
Speaker 1: the nineties and the aunts, I mean, he'd been on the.
Speaker 2: F would say, don't forget to spare at.
Speaker 1: The end of every It was his big pet cause
Speaker 1: I loved animals, but he hated the fact that like
Speaker 1: they run me rampant and then of course get picked
Speaker 1: up and youth and ized. So he was like, please
Speaker 1: spay and.
Speaker 2: That's the greater picture.
Speaker 1: For Barker, I'm Bob Barker, bitch or whatever he was in. Yeah,
Speaker 1: he was in. It was a happy Gilmour the fucking
Speaker 1: Adam Sandler.
Speaker 2: They're making a second one in New Jersey. Austin auditioned
Speaker 2: for it.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, he should have been over in New Jersey. Yeah,
Speaker 1: in New Jersey there's all sorts of everything, you know.
Speaker 1: I was just back there and I saw like images
Speaker 1: in the press of like this motherfucker's in New Jersey.
Speaker 1: I think it was like Ben Stiller chased by a
Speaker 1: huge crowd and they were like, this is for happy Gilmore.
Speaker 1: But he's been spotted around not at the com book store,
Speaker 1: not it's Monecastle Cinemas where this weekend I was back
Speaker 1: east for three events. At Smadcastle. We put up a
Speaker 1: Mallrat's thirtieth anniversary comment live commentary screening. It sold out,
Speaker 1: so then we put up another one that also sold out.
Speaker 1: So since I was going to be there for the
Speaker 1: Saturday and Sunday Saturday at seven o'clock show Sunday three o'clock,
Speaker 1: I said, oh, let's do something else on Saturday. I'm
Speaker 1: already there, other people are already in town. So we
Speaker 1: did a Wicked.
Speaker 2: Sing along, which I thought you would be on stage four.
Speaker 1: Yeah, Harley was last. I thought you were going to
Speaker 1: do Wicked. I'm like, I.
Speaker 2: Thought we talked about it and you were going to
Speaker 2: be the one on the stage.
Speaker 1: It would have really bummed out the kids because it
Speaker 1: was a lot of kids. Really, Oh, it was like
Speaker 1: a choir of children. I played this for the kid.
Speaker 1: I'll pay it for. Oh, it gives me life. Man,
Speaker 1: my fucking kids. Listen to how excited they are to
Speaker 1: sing so hard they hit.
Speaker 2: He loves it, he loves it.
Speaker 1: It is beautiful. And then, dude, it was like watching
Speaker 1: a fucking Marvel movie with this audience because you know, look,
Speaker 1: I ain't saying it's girls, but like, primarily they were
Speaker 1: all little girls. There were some boys in there, but like,
Speaker 1: and I'm not saying like girls can't love Marvel movies either,
Speaker 1: but this was like watching a Marvel movie. With a
Speaker 1: predominantly male audience that just happened to be predominantly tween
Speaker 1: or under. They were like, when the fucking broom comes out, bro,
Speaker 1: put a fucking broom.
Speaker 2: Those kids and crying, he's crying.
Speaker 1: It makes me so happy. They'll suck. You know, they're
Speaker 1: out of tune and ship. It don't matter.
Speaker 2: They sound like trash.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, kid, you'll never work in my business.
Speaker 6: But you got heart, kid, But it's charming gravity.
Speaker 1: Oh my god, listen to them, wait, wait till they
Speaker 1: come in as her.
Speaker 2: The listeners are like, listen.
Speaker 1: They love playing both parts.
Speaker 2: The listeners are like, why am I listening to a
Speaker 2: rephone recording.
Speaker 1: There's somebody on social media and I think it was
Speaker 1: on Twitter that was like, there's awful lot of singing
Speaker 1: on this week's episode, and they were like, Beardless Stickless
Speaker 1: plus was aw sick.
Speaker 2: Beardless Stickless plus last week was an emotional whirlwind.
Speaker 1: Yeah, kids, if you're listening to beardless stickless me and
Speaker 1: you're like, what, there's a plus, there's a whole fucking
Speaker 1: after show. And the last one it was it really
Speaker 1: was just fucking sing along.
Speaker 2: Wicked, but it was also just crying a lot of tears.
Speaker 2: There's a lot of tears, So.
Speaker 1: Where's the goddamn boom?
Speaker 2: This is a crazy, a crazy thing for the listeners,
Speaker 2: all right, So.
Speaker 1: Like she does the spell and ship for those who
Speaker 1: are like, what the fuck is going on? Like the
Speaker 1: brooms she's about to reach, Alphabet is about to grab
Speaker 1: the fucking broom that's levitating twit her and listening to
Speaker 1: your kids, go fucking ape ship. When it happens, come
Speaker 1: on right, beautiful when Captain America picks up Thor's hammer.
Speaker 1: Every audience I was in it was like a religious experience.
Speaker 1: And this is the closest thing to like a congregation
Speaker 1: that I'm engaged with anymore. When I was a kid
Speaker 1: and I used to go to church, you know, at
Speaker 1: one point it didn't happen enough, otherwise I never would
Speaker 1: have left. But like you know, especially in fucking Father
Speaker 1: Dave's church, he wasn't into the community of church, even
Speaker 1: like there's a part of mass where you know, they're like,
Speaker 1: let's offer each other to sign a piece where you
Speaker 1: shake people's hands and shit, my whole life, I'd go
Speaker 1: to other churches and I'd be like, what the fuck
Speaker 1: is this? Because he didn't do that in our church.
Speaker 2: He's like, I don't want to shake your hand.
Speaker 1: And he didn't want people like like, come on, eyes
Speaker 1: up here, we're transubstantiating Christ, never mind shaking each other's
Speaker 1: fucking hands and shit. But the other two priests who did,
Speaker 1: like Sunday morning Masses Father de Lodge, Father Duffy ten
Speaker 1: and twelve o'clock, they did the let us offer each
Speaker 1: other the side of peace. Father Dave had no time
Speaker 1: for that bullshit. He's like, I'm gonna be singing.
Speaker 2: Father Dave had way too much singing to do.
Speaker 1: He was like, I I don't want to see people
Speaker 1: fucking touch each other.
Speaker 2: No, I just want to.
Speaker 1: Touch you with God.
Speaker 2: God exactly.
Speaker 1: All right. So adorable, all those kids fucking singing along
Speaker 1: to Wicked, so much so that we're going to do
Speaker 1: it again on Super Bowl Sunday, February ninth. It was
Speaker 1: it was that's church to me, man, but not churches
Speaker 1: as a negative connotation. When I used to go to
Speaker 1: Old pH I would look for that, like are we
Speaker 1: happy to be here or not? Because like in Catholic
Speaker 1: Mass of Old I can't speak to currently, but it,
Speaker 1: you know, was always more of a funeral dirge than
Speaker 1: anything else. There's vacuum, I think. So nobody celebrated their faith.
Speaker 1: They mourned it, which is a line from Dogma. So
Speaker 1: you know, that's why I was easy to let it go,
Speaker 1: even though it was the faith I was raised, and
Speaker 1: there was I found no inspiration in it in week
Speaker 1: after week going to fucking church, and periodically you go
Speaker 1: to like a church outside of your commune where you're look,
Speaker 1: oh shit, this kind of works, this feels better. But
Speaker 1: that that experience has a bunch of people in a
Speaker 1: room listening to some made up stories, singing at the
Speaker 1: top of their lungs. What is that if not church?
Speaker 2: You got a point, and I'll father.
Speaker 1: Dave same day. Bro. He was defying gravity, he really
Speaker 1: was with that fu Yeah, he took it up into
Speaker 1: the stars and ship. Oh man, not so I loved
Speaker 1: it for that reason. I was like, fuck, if this
Speaker 1: was church, If Wicked was church, I'd go every week.
Speaker 1: Don't have to be just wicked, man Like. It helps
Speaker 1: if it's musical, because that's nice, but just the let's
Speaker 1: gather in a room with a bunch of strangers and
Speaker 1: have a collective experience, and I'll be on the same
Speaker 1: page and be so moved.
Speaker 3: That we have to sing that's Broadway.
Speaker 2: You know what I'm saying, that's uh us watching Chicago
Speaker 2: the movie, You're not curing us watching Sweeney Todd Live.
Speaker 1: Thought about Sweeneychead a lot this weekend because Sweeney Todd
Speaker 1: used to be my all time favorite musical. But I
Speaker 1: think Wicked, Wicked may fucking take it man. Like Wicked
Speaker 1: is so wonderfully tragic as well. It's incredibly inventive, like
Speaker 1: every song, like it's so funny. I'm a writer, and
Speaker 1: I sit there going, like when they sing their songs,
Speaker 1: I'm like, oh my god, that's foreshadowing, Like that's what
Speaker 1: happens later. It's like, yeah, Dick, that's why it all works. Well.
Speaker 2: Yeah, remember when we went and saw Sweeney Todd and
Speaker 2: you and I'd never seen it before, and then you
Speaker 2: literally were like, this is the saddest It's going to
Speaker 2: be the saddest thing ever. Here's exactly what happened.
Speaker 1: Yea. It was like spoilers, Shit's gonna go down, and
Speaker 1: it's really heartbreaking because he finds out this a bit
Speaker 1: and she was like what I was like, watch.
Speaker 3: What the hell?
Speaker 1: But as Sweeney Tides doesn't. Sweet Tide is fantastic, but
Speaker 1: it does not have a fucking happy ending or uplifting
Speaker 1: at all. Where it's wicked.
Speaker 3: Both parts of the opposite.
Speaker 1: It's the anti wicked. It's it's even more wicked. It
Speaker 1: is what you should call it so true, But yes,
Speaker 1: what a beautiful experience. Then it's set such a high
Speaker 1: bar that I thought the best time I'd have in
Speaker 1: that theater it was going to be the Marats thirtieth
Speaker 1: anniversary screening. But I was like, let's keep doing Wicked.
Speaker 1: But we had to do the thing, so we did
Speaker 1: screening of Marats. We did an auction, of course, but
Speaker 1: then when we started the screening, I'd show a scene pause,
Speaker 1: get up, tell a fucking story, show the next scene pause.
Speaker 2: Must have been the longest maur hours each time.
Speaker 1: Oh yeah, oh yeah. But the you know, folks got
Speaker 1: their money worth. Money's worth now. The next day Sunday,
Speaker 1: even though we were sold out that fifty to seventy
Speaker 1: five people didn't show up because of the snow was coming.
Speaker 1: So people were like, I don't know, I heard snow.
Speaker 1: And then when we were done, we started three and
Speaker 1: we were done at like between seven and eight. Left
Speaker 1: the theater and it was caked in snow. It was
Speaker 1: like three inches of snow. Dang. It was a lot
Speaker 1: of weather back east.
Speaker 2: Dang.
Speaker 1: So I got out the next morning, went to see Momily,
Speaker 1: went down to Florida, saw our beloved mommally for the
Speaker 1: first time in twenty twenty five.
Speaker 2: First twenty twenty I can't get well done?
Speaker 1: What the fuck you tell Harley's nextasywee?
Speaker 2: I'm having like an allergic reaction. But that has nothing
Speaker 2: to do with whyless so much?
Speaker 1: What's the allergic reaction? I don't know.
Speaker 2: My eyes are like watering. It's not because of wicked
Speaker 2: uh name it? Anyways, I might be a little sneaky.
Speaker 1: What do you think it's from all the ship?
Speaker 2: I would say it's probably because of might have got
Speaker 2: there the pounds of eyeliner around my eyes?
Speaker 1: Is that still? I'm not saying it's not. I have
Speaker 1: no idea. I'm fucking a boob. But how long is
Speaker 1: this the style? Like? How many more years you're gonna
Speaker 1: have to do this shit? Don't don't? I styles change
Speaker 1: and just makes me.
Speaker 2: Feel better about myself.
Speaker 1: So do you think you'll be doing it forever? Like
Speaker 1: me in the backwards hat and the fucking George's possibility.
Speaker 2: I hope it gets easier one day.
Speaker 1: Bro, you think you'd be seventy eight and you're like.
Speaker 3: I think, fuck, I hope not.
Speaker 1: And if you're not watching this at that Kevinsmith club
Speaker 1: dot com where you can watch Beardlistick with me and
Speaker 1: Beard Listick was plus, you would see that I'm a
Speaker 1: shaky seventy eight year old woman putting that a thickie.
Speaker 2: That's already me. But that's all right, you do now, I.
Speaker 1: Well, I mean but I've seen you do it. You
Speaker 1: don't fuck up?
Speaker 2: Well, thanks, well I do somebody.
Speaker 1: I've seen you your stuff and you don't fuck up.
Speaker 1: You appreciate it.
Speaker 2: Someone got mad at me last week for not wanting
Speaker 2: to be robbed.
Speaker 3: So thanks.
Speaker 1: Yeah, that was kind of one.
Speaker 2: And it was the same person who said the thing
Speaker 2: about my life when after.
Speaker 1: A that's your biggest fan right there, that's your biggest fan.
Speaker 2: I know you're listening again.
Speaker 1: They just want it better for you. They're like, do better.
Speaker 1: But I did find that one, you know, kind of.
Speaker 2: Like people should get robbed.
Speaker 1: I'm a bleeding hard, fucking liberal and but you know,
Speaker 1: I don't want to get robbed.
Speaker 2: It's not even me, it's just the people that already
Speaker 2: experienced tragedy in the fires. I didn't think they should then,
Speaker 2: on top of that, get robbed.
Speaker 1: But let me tell you something.
Speaker 2: Anyways, you can't please I can't please, I can't please
Speaker 2: anybody AnyWho?
Speaker 1: Moving on, I went back. You know, you can please
Speaker 1: fucking Mammily. He's like your biggest fan of shit. But
Speaker 1: she sent a bunch of shit because I'm now considered
Speaker 1: something of the archivist, if you will, in the family.
Speaker 1: This is her promotion certificate, Grace Schultz. She gets to
Speaker 1: go second grade. Oh my god, bro, you think that's sometimes.
Speaker 2: June twentieth twenty Wait what oh the day June.
Speaker 1: Twentieth nineteen, Mother Victorine. That was the sister's name. June twentieth,
Speaker 1: nineteen fifty two, the year of our Lord, nineteen fifty two.
Speaker 1: Mother Victorine says that she can move on.
Speaker 2: Can you congratulations? Mamily?
Speaker 1: Can you imagine fucking somebody named Victorine? Oh Lord, that's
Speaker 1: a lot of syllables. Is spit out Victory? That's that's
Speaker 1: how that's the beginning.
Speaker 3: Of course, Victory got it.
Speaker 1: This is the certificate of Baptism, sacrament of baptism. You've
Speaker 1: been baptized. That was your last sacrament. We didn't do
Speaker 1: communion or anything baptized.
Speaker 2: For mamily if I and me.
Speaker 1: No, I ain't gonna lay that just at Momay's feet.
Speaker 1: I wanted you baptized too. Saint Nicholas's Church in Passaic,
Speaker 1: New Jersey. This is to certify the Gray Schultz born
Speaker 1: on the eleventh day of December nineteen forty five. So
Speaker 1: Momily gonna be eighty this year, was baptized according to
Speaker 1: the right of the Roman Catholic Church. Roman Catholic in
Speaker 1: a minute on the fourteenth of January nineteen forty six. Wow, Reverend,
Speaker 1: I can't read his name. Look at this.
Speaker 2: Shit an ancient relise.
Speaker 1: I'll tell you right now, Momily can't do shit without me,
Speaker 1: because I got all her old papers. This is Momiy's
Speaker 1: blessed sacrament. School report card from the year nineteen sixty,
Speaker 1: nineteen sixty one. But what's Gray Schultz? Uh? And here's
Speaker 1: fifty nine to sixty. But what's unique for me and mine?
Speaker 1: I won't get into her grades. They're pretty damn good.
Speaker 1: Oh is you know when you send a thing home
Speaker 1: you're supposed to. You gotta have the parents sign it.
Speaker 1: That's Grandmomily's signature.
Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, that's Grandmomily's signature.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and Schultz. So when mom my mom sees this,
Speaker 1: she's like, oh, because that's she recognizes all of us
Speaker 1: right now. Even Donald was like, oh.
Speaker 2: Momily was rocking straight.
Speaker 1: A's yeah, momially pretty smart. But Momily, did you know
Speaker 1: she grammar school up to eight thirteen, so fourteen when
Speaker 1: she went freshman year. She didn't go freshman high school.
Speaker 1: She went to commercial school, like to teach her how
Speaker 1: to be a secretary and shit. And then when she
Speaker 1: got out, like here she.
Speaker 2: Got to be in cooperating well you know, mamma Alexa.
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, cooperating business efficiency, initiative, etiquette, typewriting, stenography, and
Speaker 1: then they were training her for office work. So like
Speaker 1: that's all you're you're a girl, You're going to be
Speaker 1: someone's secretary.
Speaker 2: Yeah, wait, what the fuck?
Speaker 1: It's They were like, you deserve each other, you and
Speaker 1: that typewriter.
Speaker 2: I don't see any Matthew, I don't see any science.
Speaker 1: See religion though, right, so this is commercial again, commercial school,
Speaker 1: the training in for for being a professional. You don't
Speaker 1: need no science if you're taken down mister Weatherby's fucking
Speaker 1: notes and shit.
Speaker 2: But cooperating.
Speaker 1: With mister Weatherby more than anything else.
Speaker 2: It's CEO dash O p e R, A t apostrophe
Speaker 2: and cooperative.
Speaker 1: This is Blessed Sacrament Grammar School. This is to certified
Speaker 1: that Grace Schultz has satisfactorily completed the course of study
Speaker 1: prescribed for this grammar school and is awarded this diploma.
Speaker 2: Wow.
Speaker 1: On June one thousand, nine hundred and nineteen fifty nine.
Speaker 2: Congrats Momily.
Speaker 1: Emily's official bro.
Speaker 2: This has all really got all her documents.
Speaker 1: Is the Blessed Sacrament Commercial Department. This certifies that Grace V.
Speaker 1: Schultz as satisfactorily completed the course of study prescribed for
Speaker 1: graduation from this school and has therefore awarded this RinkyDink
Speaker 1: diploma nineteen sixty one.
Speaker 2: Wow.
Speaker 1: So now you could she's hirable. Now you can fucking
Speaker 1: put her to work and should chase her around the
Speaker 1: desk because it was the sixties. But that wouldn't happen.
Speaker 1: She would not go to it work. Do you know why? Why?
Speaker 1: She went to work for a little while, But then
Speaker 1: she met my dad.
Speaker 2: And then that was that, how's mommy going to live life?
Speaker 2: If you have her Blessed Sacrament diploma, I'll.
Speaker 1: Tell you she's not going back to college because if
Speaker 1: they're like, do you have your documents, she'd be like,
Speaker 1: where are they this? And then I'm gonna show you.
Speaker 1: You're gonna get insight into your father. The Holy Sacrament
Speaker 1: of Confirmation, as a sacrament you didn't get, was received
Speaker 1: by Grace McCormick. This church is like, she ain't Schultz yet, bitch.
Speaker 1: She was born in the Church of Blessed Sacrament May eleventh,
Speaker 1: nineteen fifty seven. Can you imagine? But you wonder why
Speaker 1: I keep everything because Mamally that's the way I was trained.
Speaker 2: I guess Momally does does keep on stuff too.
Speaker 1: This is the mass on the day of the marriage
Speaker 1: of Grace Virginia Schultz and Donald E. Smith, September twelfth,
Speaker 1: nineteen sixty four, Blessed Sacrament Church, Clinton Avenue and van
Speaker 1: Ness Place, Noork, New Jersey. That's cute. That's where your
Speaker 1: people come from, bro Nork. Ultimately you come from Nork
Speaker 1: now speaking of fucking popoly So your other.
Speaker 3: M schwammily, she would love that she Christmas.
Speaker 1: She was like, guy, when Christmas this year? Before she
Speaker 1: gave gifts. I was like, why, she's a goosy. And
Speaker 1: what she did was she took small vhs so much.
Speaker 2: I want to tell you so bad, but I'm.
Speaker 1: Not good at And it was a pretty wonderful gift.
Speaker 1: And so you know, I brought the the link from
Speaker 1: Eye Memories back with me to show my mom project
Speaker 1: on the TV. Now. It had footage that we all
Speaker 1: watched here on Christmas Day of young Christmas is when
Speaker 1: Harley was a baby, and stuff like that. But while
Speaker 1: I was there, I found a Christmas which we did
Speaker 1: not look at, which was Christmas from the Rumson House,
Speaker 1: the only Christmas we ever had in RUMs and which
Speaker 1: be Christmas two thousand and one, the last Christmas I
Speaker 1: spent with my parents. So in this footage, because I saw,
Speaker 1: I was like, this is the Rumson House. Holy shit.
Speaker 1: I was like, I wonder if, like we've rolled video
Speaker 1: on mom and decks, we have this photo of you
Speaker 1: dressed as Bear in the Big Blue House. Oh yeah,
Speaker 1: with my mom and dad. It is fucking twenty minutes
Speaker 1: of you dressed like Bear in the Big Blue House,
Speaker 1: momming around the fucking house, including you interact with my
Speaker 1: dad or my dad interacts with you at West Versa,
Speaker 1: and that is nuts. Now you got to remember, you know,
Speaker 1: Dad was not like a video guy. There ain't a
Speaker 1: lot of footage of my father. There's pictures, but like
Speaker 1: they're in all our footage, and I haven't heard my
Speaker 1: father speak in years, right, Like, since you don't have footage,
Speaker 1: my dad's not like we have his voice. He never
Speaker 1: did a podcast but me or anything like that. I
Speaker 1: wasn't podcasting at the time he died. So in all
Speaker 1: that footage is footage of my dad talking. And it
Speaker 1: was like watching Mommily react to it.
Speaker 2: Was was she emotional?
Speaker 1: I mean she wasn't emotional. My sister got super emotional
Speaker 1: Virginia and Virginia, who remains the biggest fan of this show,
Speaker 1: shout out it was very emotional. It hit her like
Speaker 1: it hit me. Mom was like mom Like I would
Speaker 1: have thought that Momily would have been like but instead
Speaker 1: she was just happy to see it. She was like,
Speaker 1: there he is. He was kind of sweet. But this
Speaker 1: let me try how you ran? Yes, Grandpa yas because
Speaker 1: I have kiss bear that's my dad's voice.
Speaker 2: Kiss maybe kiss bear's nose.
Speaker 7: Okay, way up there, my grandma.
Speaker 1: Oh oh, grandma.
Speaker 6: Kiss bear in the nose?
Speaker 2: Oh, because grandma kiss? Can I stay on the nose again?
Speaker 1: I love you bear.
Speaker 2: Kiss me. I didn't like it.
Speaker 7: Kissed Grandma beer Jamaica.
Speaker 1: I know, I think.
Speaker 2: Oh no, it's one of me. Just lolly, Lolly and beer.
Speaker 6: That makes a good one, lolly and bearn Wow, like.
Speaker 1: A mom wow, looking at riding your horse in the
Speaker 1: bear outfit.
Speaker 2: Lots of things to say about this one. Where did
Speaker 2: that cost you come from? Because the boy was it excellent?
Speaker 1: Mamily Oh it came right from the Disney store.
Speaker 2: That wow, that is a full ass costume.
Speaker 1: Really is that costumes wearing you?
Speaker 2: It really is? Wow?
Speaker 1: You were literally a dancing bear.
Speaker 2: The listeners, the the people who only listen and do
Speaker 2: not watch the show, are like, thanks for this week's episode.
Speaker 1: We're showing a lot of look at how huge I am.
Speaker 2: Father.
Speaker 3: This is a podcast, true.
Speaker 4: Okay, enough enough, there's pop.
Speaker 2: You just want to watch the videos, like come on,
Speaker 2: I do. I mean, this is a podcast.
Speaker 1: That's true.
Speaker 3: But seeing my dead father that is true, that come back.
Speaker 1: To life was like fucking astounding. All right, So that
Speaker 1: is really beautiful and it's really sweet to see like
Speaker 1: not just him interacting with you, which I've got pictures
Speaker 1: of him holding like baby you and stuff and then
Speaker 1: looking at you with Graham, with Momily, you know in
Speaker 1: photos when you're wearing that bear of it. But to
Speaker 1: watch him interact, be like can I get a kiss
Speaker 1: bear and hear his voice and shit like that, that's
Speaker 1: like absolute magic. So I like sent Jen like a
Speaker 1: video from mom in Virginia and me going like you
Speaker 1: did win.
Speaker 2: Christmas after all?
Speaker 3: I setting down, all right.
Speaker 1: So while I was there, Mommily gave me a bunch
Speaker 1: of stuff. She's like, here's some cards that you gave me.
Speaker 2: Oh man, here we go.
Speaker 1: Listen to this shit son all right? From your son, Mom,
Speaker 1: I love for you is tremendous, bottomless and endless, sort
Speaker 1: of like my appetite. So that's what's in the card.
Speaker 1: Happy Mother's Day. So I wrote, Mommy, whoa, whoa. And
Speaker 1: it's for the motivation you get from me usually by
Speaker 1: threatening and counting to three. Oh, for the open door
Speaker 1: that you always offer me. Two is for telepathy, the
Speaker 1: mental kind, because you always know what evil I'm plotting.
Speaker 1: H is for my home where I let you live.
Speaker 1: It's for endless like the dust on the cocktail table.
Speaker 1: That was something like my mom was always like today
Speaker 1: you're dusting every weekend. I had dustin. So there's always
Speaker 1: like dust on the cocktail table. And the tv R
Speaker 1: is for the rest you deserve and will get in California. Altogether,
Speaker 1: I believe it spells mother. A word I depend on
Speaker 1: and a woman I depend on. Thank you for being there.
Speaker 3: Always love Kevin so charming, bro.
Speaker 1: She said to me. And it was kind of hard
Speaker 1: break and she goes, you don't write me cards anymore.
Speaker 2: I write you to better writer. A goddamn card.
Speaker 1: I might have to. She loves it.
Speaker 2: Altogether, I believe it spells mother. Our handwriting is the same,
Speaker 2: very similar.
Speaker 1: This one's dated because Uncle Don made it out. It's
Speaker 1: for my dad, especially for you, Dad, on your birthday.
Speaker 1: A very serious card. Uncle Don is the king of
Speaker 1: the only reason they're still in business is because he
Speaker 1: still buys like thousands.
Speaker 2: He loves a card.
Speaker 1: He loves a card. May twenty second, my Dad's birthday
Speaker 1: nineteen one hundred and eighty six. Wow, Yeah, that's how
Speaker 1: far we're going back. Love your children, Virginia, Donald and Kevin.
Speaker 1: I got to add a little more. See I wrote
Speaker 1: all this over here.
Speaker 2: Oh I like your post office.
Speaker 1: Well, thank you. We're happy as kittens that you're still
Speaker 1: around and are glad you fathered us all. Keep up
Speaker 1: the good work and no more staying home from your
Speaker 1: favorite place the post off this.
Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, let me see it. Oh this one
Speaker 2: seems a bit more serious.
Speaker 1: Yeah, the card or the.
Speaker 3: Sentiment, the sentiment and the kid gotten sick.
Speaker 1: I guess because we'd spent some time and let me see,
Speaker 1: nineteen eighty six, I've been sixteen. Yeah, you might have
Speaker 1: been in the hospital for something.
Speaker 2: That's not your handwriting.
Speaker 1: To the not everything on the this is your handwrite.
Speaker 1: That's my real handwriting. That's my real cursive. Really yeah,
Speaker 1: like so my you only ever see the cursive I
Speaker 1: ever used is like when I signed my name. Yeah,
Speaker 1: but that's over years, has developed into something you know,
Speaker 1: fast and signature like. But if I too were to
Speaker 1: use cursive, that's what it looks like. Still but mostly
Speaker 1: I block.
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, like in this one, that's the.
Speaker 1: One block lettering. This is from May twelfth, nineteen ninety two.
Speaker 1: Happy birthday, Just wanted to give you a high flutin
Speaker 1: birthday card, snoopy, but the significance May twelfth, nineteen ninety two.
Speaker 1: I'm in film school, so I sent this from Canada. Pop.
Speaker 1: That's why I called my father mom. How are you both?
Speaker 1: But mainly how is the birthday? Boy? Because Dad's birthday
Speaker 1: would be coming up May twenty second? How old are
Speaker 1: you now? Sixty three? Geez, you look good for sixty three.
Speaker 1: Not a single gray hair either. Obviously, I'm way too
Speaker 1: poor to spring for a proper birthday gift, and since
Speaker 1: I'm no longer with quick Stop, I can't even get
Speaker 1: away with cheap birthday gifts like milk, bread, peanut butter
Speaker 1: and batteries. However, this card carries my eternal gratitude for
Speaker 1: feeling frisky enough that night to set about producing what
Speaker 1: would eventually become the me we all know. So well,
Speaker 1: Oh my God, and I'll send my love to you, father,
Speaker 1: give me a break. You're a great man and a
Speaker 1: hero to cats the world over, because that fed like
Speaker 1: thirty cats. Happy birthday, love, Kevin Smith.
Speaker 2: Of course you made it about him so.
Speaker 1: Well. There are two words that I can use that
Speaker 1: might explain that fuck and you the voice. I made
Speaker 1: it about myself. It's my card from film school with
Speaker 1: my parents.
Speaker 2: Sorry, I assumed it was his birthday.
Speaker 1: At least that wasn't. Like one day I will make
Speaker 1: a film called Clerk's Parents and you will be proud
Speaker 1: of me. I've read those.
Speaker 2: Cards that you would be so excited to find that card.
Speaker 1: Oh, I have them, You have them? Yeah, that's not
Speaker 1: even a hypothetical. I have cards not here, but ones
Speaker 1: that I've sent my mom from film school where I'm like,
Speaker 1: do there's a video where I'm sitting on the video
Speaker 1: when I tell my parents before I go to film school,
Speaker 1: and I don't ever had a video camera. I had
Speaker 1: to borrow this up big as VHS camera from like
Speaker 1: Kim Lockeran's parents and shit, and I made this video
Speaker 1: for my parents, going like everything's about to change and
Speaker 1: I hope to bring the honor to this family name.
Speaker 1: Like my sister is like it is unsettling. She's going
Speaker 1: because you literally predict the future. She's like, you sit
Speaker 1: there and you tell our parents that life when you
Speaker 1: get back is going to be different because like you're
Speaker 1: doing this thing and blah blah blah. And she's like
Speaker 1: you know, until Clark's happens. It's just like, well, that's
Speaker 1: a little fucking full of himself. She's like, and then
Speaker 1: you do everything that you talk about. She's like, it's
Speaker 1: really creepy. This is a Father's Day card. Dad got
Speaker 1: your reservation in a nice relaxing place, and it's a
Speaker 1: sign reserve for Dad that you stick up to point
Speaker 1: an American Greetings classic that cost a buck fifty back
Speaker 1: in the day. Once again, my handwriting, my young handwriting Dad,
Speaker 1: dear Dad, Hey, Hey, Happy Father's Day to a man who,
Speaker 1: quite frankly is a father and one of the best
Speaker 1: fathers too, I might add, Dad, whether you know it
Speaker 1: or not, you did a fine job in raising me.
Speaker 1: It seems that every aspect was premeditated, from not pushing
Speaker 1: me into sports to letting me steal from Disney World.
Speaker 2: Ha ha.
Speaker 1: All that made the wonderful creative funny kid that is me.
Speaker 2: Beer. Oh my god, Oh my god.
Speaker 1: You're watching Beer the stick with me. You're watching Harley
Speaker 1: aghast I. G Oh dude, it wasn't even done. And
Speaker 1: all that made the wonderful creative funny kid that is
Speaker 1: me the pick of the litter. Oh my god, thanks
Speaker 1: for doing a great job. I love you. Now, can
Speaker 1: we put one of my tapes? Can we put on
Speaker 1: one of my tapes instead of yours? That's because we
Speaker 1: would like at home, he'd be putting in a movie
Speaker 1: you want to watch. I was like, can we put
Speaker 1: in one of my.
Speaker 2: To a self centered little piece o shit?
Speaker 1: Kevin?
Speaker 2: Oh my god.
Speaker 1: I see you see I had.
Speaker 2: To the wonderful, creative, beautiful, perfect time.
Speaker 1: You see how I had to become what I became,
Speaker 1: because otherwise I would have been so miserable like I was.
Speaker 1: I was my own biggest fan. I had to I
Speaker 1: needed others. I was alone, and now I'm not alone anymore.
Speaker 1: Now there are other people that feel the same way,
Speaker 1: where they they could write a card to my father
Speaker 1: to be like, you did a good job because he's wonderful, creative, funny.
Speaker 2: Wait till my next card, Wait till father better.
Speaker 1: You know what, You're very good though. At the end
Speaker 1: of Tough Shit the book, I read a letter that
Speaker 1: you wrote to me, like for Christmas one year and
Speaker 1: it's people still fucking write about that. People like when
Speaker 1: that book came out, they were like, Jesus Christ, if
Speaker 1: I hope to God my kid fucking feels that way
Speaker 1: about me. Blah blah blah affleck too is always just like, bro,
Speaker 1: if you ain't trying to be her, what the fuck
Speaker 1: are you trying to do in this life? Like? Based
Speaker 1: on shit you've written?
Speaker 2: That's so nice.
Speaker 1: It is nice, but it's also a reminder write a
Speaker 1: fucking script. All right, here's another fuck. There's another snoopy card.
Speaker 1: I had a brand. This is a Hallmark official Hallmark,
Speaker 1: but you can see on the back I scraped out
Speaker 1: the price tag so they couldn't look it up. Ah,
Speaker 1: oh my god, thank you, thank you very much. My
Speaker 1: gratitude knows no leafs. I think he means bounds. Dearest parents,
Speaker 1: This is just a thank you note to my parents.
Speaker 1: That's the kind of fucking that's the kind of son
Speaker 1: I was.
Speaker 2: Do you thank them for making you so creative, wonderful
Speaker 2: and perfect?
Speaker 1: Probably, if I had to guess, probably, dearest parents. Just
Speaker 1: a little note to thank the two individuals responsible for
Speaker 1: my conception, birth, subsequent upbringing, an eventual college. Sometimes I'm
Speaker 1: so wrapped up in my pathetic life that I forget
Speaker 1: to say thanks for everything. You were tolerant of my
Speaker 1: choice of school. You packed me off, fed me cash,
Speaker 1: and now that I'm coming home on weekends, you still
Speaker 1: provide and understand when I'm constantly running here and there
Speaker 1: with my friends. Pause. So this is nineteen eighty nine,
Speaker 1: ninety eighty nine. They took me to eighty nine, nineteen
Speaker 1: eighty nine. This is before Batman comes out. Because Batman
Speaker 1: comes out. June twenty third, nineteen eighty nine. I'm coming
Speaker 1: home on weekends from the New School for Social Research,
Speaker 1: and I'm spending more time with Walter and Brian. We're
Speaker 1: playing hockey. I'm meeting Jason Muse. This is all what's
Speaker 1: happening on those weekends that I can't spend time with
Speaker 1: them because I'm running here and there with my friends,
Speaker 1: running around back to the card. Well, golly, if you
Speaker 1: two aren't the best parents, I don't know who are.
Speaker 1: I love you guys. You always did for me and
Speaker 1: you continue doing so now. Thanks. If I sometimes don't
Speaker 1: seem appreciative, it's simply because I'm stupid. Thanks for everything,
Speaker 1: Mom and Dad. I love you both. Fact, I love
Speaker 1: you both very much. Can I have one hundred bucks?
Speaker 1: I have a few things to buy and the money
Speaker 1: would help. Just kidding, Love Kevin.
Speaker 2: That was really sweet.
Speaker 1: Yeah, less about like one day I'm going to be
Speaker 1: famous and ship like that or the glory of Kevin Smith.
Speaker 1: But if I, if I had to guess, that's probably
Speaker 1: me writing a card because like not so much, like
Speaker 1: this is how I feel. But just you know this cover,
Speaker 1: this will cover, this will my mom happy? What you
Speaker 1: don't need hearing that is a very nice card. But
Speaker 1: what you don't hear in that is the beginning of
Speaker 1: the people pleaser, I mean people pleaser as well.
Speaker 2: On its waist it's a little note to say thank you.
Speaker 1: This one is hi, Mom. This card is not from
Speaker 1: someone who thinks you're terrific and then the other side is.
Speaker 1: But just look at the same way, Mom, You've never
Speaker 1: stopped being my mother, whether under your roof, across the country,
Speaker 1: deeply in debt, or in high demand. I can't tell
Speaker 1: how you how comforting it is to know that, no
Speaker 1: matter what I do, You're always looking out for me.
Speaker 1: From youth to the present, You've always been my favorite
Speaker 1: woman in the world. I love you dearly. Kevin. Ps.
Speaker 1: I have not yet met JENNIFERA.
Speaker 2: Yes, let me just cover all my bases. Harley is
Speaker 2: now born yet that is that's so sweet.
Speaker 1: This finally is a Valentine Steak card and it seems
Speaker 1: like it has a poem. It's on Bullwinkle stationary and
Speaker 1: I wrote, Yes, this is a Valentine Steak card.
Speaker 2: I appreciate all your Snoopy and Bullwinkle cards.
Speaker 1: I was very into. I mean this came from a
Speaker 1: stationary set that I got at the Deadly Do write
Speaker 1: and pour in. Uh, here's poem time. I'm ready ready,
Speaker 1: I mean, bro, get ready for this hot sixteen. You
Speaker 1: might want to steal these lads because they are fire.
Speaker 3: I'm writing it down fire to Hot sixteen.
Speaker 1: Here we go. I bet when you saw a baby
Speaker 1: keV in the nursery, you never thought that he'd turned
Speaker 1: out like troublemaker me.
Speaker 3: Bars bars right, bars day.
Speaker 1: I'm sorry if I mess up. I'm late, I forget stuff,
Speaker 1: but I don't really ruin your life. I guess I
Speaker 1: make it rough?
Speaker 2: Did that rhyme stuff?
Speaker 1: And rough? Oh? Yeah? Absolutely? But what really? Never mind
Speaker 1: the rhyme scheme. It's more about like thirsty much, You're.
Speaker 2: Like please tell me, I'm okay, yes, tell.
Speaker 1: Me good please? You know that your son means well,
Speaker 1: he's just a bit messed up. I guess God felt
Speaker 1: you needed a little rotten. Look.
Speaker 2: Why were you so hard on yourself? And this card?
Speaker 1: Self loathing people pleaser, codependent people pleaser. I have to
Speaker 1: be told how to feel about myself. I'm wrong with that.
Speaker 1: That's just who I am. That's apparently who I've always
Speaker 1: fucking been. Again, I had to become an entertainer. This,
Speaker 1: this motherfucker might have like shuffled loose, this mortal coil
Speaker 1: intentionally might have unalived himself if the world didn't see
Speaker 1: him the way he did, like even in cards to
Speaker 1: his parents. So crazy I needed. I needed everything that
Speaker 1: happen the way I did Otherwise, Who knows?
Speaker 2: This card makes me sad?
Speaker 1: You know that your son means well, oh rotten look,
Speaker 1: But the good point is I love yous, and trouble
Speaker 1: can can't change that. You're just stuck, my dear parents
Speaker 1: with a trouble maker brat.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, I feel like you. You must have
Speaker 2: gone in trouble or something before this.
Speaker 1: You think what I'm guessing is Mammily was mad at
Speaker 1: me for something and I leaned into.
Speaker 3: It very hardcore.
Speaker 1: I know it's not a hallmark, but it is from
Speaker 1: the heart. Blow is a card for you. Feel free
Speaker 1: to use it. Oh that's not I guess the rhyming
Speaker 1: is over. And I wrote a little coupon it says,
Speaker 1: I owe you something.
Speaker 2: I owe you something like.
Speaker 1: The gift love Kevin. Happy Valentine's Day, Dear parents, I
Speaker 1: love you both loved Kevin.
Speaker 2: Damn that one was. That one was. It's just like
Speaker 2: the others were so celebratory.
Speaker 1: Of well, the other you could make fun of me
Speaker 1: for it, but this one, yeah.
Speaker 2: This one's just now I feel bad and I take
Speaker 2: back everything I said.
Speaker 1: No, no, no, it's too late based on the things
Speaker 1: you said. I know you didn't understand, but doesn't change the.
Speaker 3: Fact that it hurt I.
Speaker 1: But here's the thing I don't. I'm like, I remember
Speaker 1: writing cards and stuff, but I don't recall the negative
Speaker 1: so much anymore, and haven't for years. And the negative
Speaker 1: was never all that negative. But my mother Mamily was
Speaker 1: very controlling and a very.
Speaker 2: You know, she's a listener.
Speaker 1: She has a listener. This is not a complaint, but
Speaker 1: it's just like you weren't around for it. But like,
Speaker 1: you know, I, I you know, I I just I
Speaker 1: traded one boss for another whoa wow, and then when
Speaker 1: you were born another hello, and strong women have always
Speaker 1: been a factor in my existence. And yeah, but it's weird.
Speaker 1: I just don't I'm not saying like now I put
Speaker 1: it all the way or I blocked it, but like
Speaker 1: I just I don't remember. And but when I read
Speaker 1: cards like that, I was like, oh, yeah, I was.
Speaker 1: You know, like when you lived here, it was never
Speaker 1: like you're in this house, you'll follow these fucking rules.
Speaker 1: You know what I'm saying. There, It was that and
Speaker 1: you know that was common in that era and stuff
Speaker 1: like that, but even more so in our house because
Speaker 1: Virginia left, Donald left, but I stuck. So you know,
Speaker 1: you want to talk about empty nest when I leave.
Speaker 1: So I stayed for years. I didn't leave until I
Speaker 1: was twenty three. What kind of loser lives at home
Speaker 1: till or twenty three?
Speaker 2: Oh fucking rude.
Speaker 1: Yeah, but to be fair, I didn't buy a house
Speaker 1: at twenty three when I moved out, just moved into
Speaker 1: like an apartment and ship. So you're doing great there.
Speaker 1: But yeah, thanks, buddy. I was glad that you lived
Speaker 1: at those as long as you did.
Speaker 2: It was you And Mom always asked me to come back.
Speaker 1: I said it recently. I was like, selling your fucking house,
Speaker 1: move back in here, and Harley was like, yeah, that'll happen.
Speaker 1: Hold my fum bailed.
Speaker 2: You See, I may, I may make fun of my dad,
Speaker 2: but he makes fun of me just as much.
Speaker 1: And Virginia says she loves when you're like, I think
Speaker 1: that the truth is that as well truth. She finally
Speaker 1: she's like, somebody put a voice to it. I shared
Speaker 1: all that with you mainly because I wanted to be like, hey, buddy,
Speaker 1: what the fuck are your cards?
Speaker 2: No, that's a good point.
Speaker 1: Ship written from you, like, and as you can see,
Speaker 1: there is a long legacy of holding on to that ship. Yeah.
Speaker 2: Like I used to write car cards for everything.
Speaker 1: Yeah, oh we have them, trust me, they're all they
Speaker 1: were not thrown out.
Speaker 2: I'm blow your mind with a card next week.
Speaker 1: I mean, honestly, if you wanted to write me something
Speaker 1: like ifish.
Speaker 2: It would be a script.
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, do me a favorite. Fuck you want to
Speaker 1: write me a card, make it one hundred and twenty pages.
Speaker 1: I have three acts and it was something I could finance.
Speaker 1: But no, I you know, it's not like him, And
Speaker 1: write me a card if you wrote me something naturally,
Speaker 1: I would be into it because the sentiment alone. But
Speaker 1: also I like your writing quite a bit. But this
Speaker 1: wasn't an exercise and like you're slacking. This was just
Speaker 1: an exercise, and like this is who I was.
Speaker 2: I still see yeah, I still see that guy in there.
Speaker 1: Yeah, and I don't write cards as much like but
Speaker 1: but you know, I I mean texting an email took.
Speaker 2: Place of like yeah, but your your texts are like
Speaker 2: very circumspect, kiddo, Hi, okay, hello, they're not ah.
Speaker 1: And your texts are like, here's a funny cat video. Yeah, exactly,
Speaker 1: fucking cappy bearer. Here's a fucking funny squirrel. No context whatsoever? No,
Speaker 1: Like dear Dad. When I saw the squirrel, I thought
Speaker 1: of our relationship and the many things I.
Speaker 2: Think it should speak.
Speaker 1: It speaks volumes like happy squirrel.
Speaker 2: Do you like the selection I sent you the other day?
Speaker 1: I do. I never have any complaints here. It was great.
Speaker 1: The kid who was just like, yo, what up, Brian
Speaker 1: or whatever his name was. The guy was like, hi.
Speaker 3: In the suburbs, in the suburbs, bitch, what up?
Speaker 1: Ran? Hi?
Speaker 2: See that one reminded me of you, And I don't
Speaker 2: need to explain that.
Speaker 1: I saw myself and then the only thing this ain't
Speaker 1: a criticism, you don't do it often, but like, you
Speaker 1: don't have to send birds, not a bird guy, unless
Speaker 1: that bird is like singing talking.
Speaker 2: Oh my god, I forgot about that video.
Speaker 1: Or a bird figuring ship out. Those are some of
Speaker 1: my favorite bird videos, literally where they have a bird
Speaker 1: and he's got like a bottle and there's a rock
Speaker 1: in it and water and ship and then he does
Speaker 1: the weight displacement to bring it up closer. Fucking nuts
Speaker 1: and clothes. They're both little tool used. They're brilliant, and
Speaker 1: watching him figure shit out is like I couldn't even
Speaker 1: Literally I watched a raven figure something out where I
Speaker 1: was like, I wouldn't have done that. He beat me.
Speaker 2: They're smart as hell they are. What type of bird
Speaker 2: is the one that does.
Speaker 1: Singing with the dude? A dude had this little flute
Speaker 1: and he's like and then the ravens like he sang
Speaker 1: it dope, man, I wish that was my ring tone ship.
Speaker 1: I could string that together enough that'd be like my
Speaker 1: fuck's track. Okay, you need about thirty seconds of that.
Speaker 1: All right, there's your beardlesstick for this week getting out
Speaker 1: on a cringe note. Don't forget to write your mother card.
Speaker 2: Kids, so true.
Speaker 1: She'll keep it forever, she will, and then you'll get
Speaker 1: it back and you get to read it on your
Speaker 1: own body.
Speaker 2: You'll learn something about yourself, that's true. Yeah, And that's
Speaker 2: the circle of life.
Speaker 1: That's the same circle under your tail exactly. And then
Speaker 1: Walters he was like, you, but don't sing circle under
Speaker 1: the tail. Make it better than that. I'm like, all right,
Speaker 1: circle of life. He's like, yeah, that's more.
Speaker 2: That's pretty beautiful.
Speaker 1: He was a massive smoker. Really, do you know in
Speaker 1: all the pictures that hang around Disneyland of young Walt
Speaker 1: or of Walt himself, the cigarettes have been airbrushed or
Speaker 1: what do they call it these days?
Speaker 2: Oh, just removed, like photoshopped down, photoshopped down.
Speaker 1: He was he was almost never photographed without a lit
Speaker 1: burning cigarette. But you know, they don't they don't want
Speaker 1: to put that up, so they put him up and
Speaker 1: they removed the cigarette. Does it though?
Speaker 2: They used to sell like ashtrays and and cigarettes in
Speaker 2: the park, Yeah.
Speaker 1: One hundred percent. I wish they'd still sell ashtrays.
Speaker 2: I have a few.
Speaker 1: They should sell an ashtray with Walt in the bottom
Speaker 1: holding the fucking cigarette. True, that charge like one hundred
Speaker 1: bucks for it. There would be people who would pay it.
Speaker 1: They're like, oh my god, that's that rare Walt smoking ashtray.
Speaker 1: I pay good Disney Bucks for that. Do they still
Speaker 1: do Disney Bucks? No, they stop that. Oh yeah, what
Speaker 1: a fucking scam. That was. Give us your money. We'll
Speaker 1: give you fake money and you spend that in the
Speaker 1: park and like what the fuck? And some people went
Speaker 1: for it. I still have some bus there. It is kids,
Speaker 1: there's your beard. Listen. We gotta get out before somebody
Speaker 1: starts criticizing you.
Speaker 7: Like, oh, oh, little millionaires kid can't spend the Disney
Speaker 7: but fucking dirty God damn fucking couldn't.
Speaker 1: What what's the They wouldn't call you liberal? What would
Speaker 1: they call you?
Speaker 3: Clueless?
Speaker 2: Leftist?
Speaker 1: Left it? Well, this pilot pucker wasn't a rightist. This
Speaker 1: motherfucker was far left of you. That was their point.
Speaker 1: So what would they call you? Elitist?
Speaker 2: Elitist, nipple baby piece of ship?
Speaker 1: I mean I would that hadn't even occurred to me.
Speaker 2: Here it comes, It comes.
Speaker 1: Right out of your fucking the dark heart. Of your soul.
Speaker 2: You're like, they're gonna they're definitely gonna comment that.
Speaker 1: You deserve each other, you and that nep.
Speaker 2: I'm going to Disneyland.
Speaker 1: You're literally going to Disney that's why you dressed this way. Yeah,
Speaker 1: I should never revealed that too. Somebody else is gonna
Speaker 1: be like, oh, you have enough time to go to
Speaker 1: Disneyland when there's all this suffering in the world.
Speaker 2: All right, never mind, I'm just gonna go.
Speaker 1: I'm just because ten that's dine then to give out
Speaker 1: free money. Yeah, oh you got free money to give
Speaker 1: to Disneyland people, but not can't win there it is kids,
Speaker 1: there's your beardles stickless me. You're like, I want more
Speaker 1: of this ship and jump over to that Kevin Smith club.
Speaker 1: Get beardless stickless. Plus Harley's like a fuck, oh the show.
Speaker 1: I'm supposed to go to Disney not yet, that's the
Speaker 1: bridge to Disney. The bridge meey to Disney. Don't fucking
Speaker 1: sound sad, because then they're gonna be like, oh you
Speaker 1: hear how how sad she is that she gotta do
Speaker 1: a shoe with her father? Guy? Right? Those comments is me?
Speaker 1: By the way, No, that there it is beardless stickless
Speaker 1: me tuning out? Get how we in the show for
Speaker 1: bids me tuning out?
Speaker 2: Kevin Smith, Quod Smith.
Speaker 1: You have a beardless dickless dias.
Speaker 5: This has been a podcast production, some podcast podcast using
Speaker 5: our mouths on you since two thousand and seven. Hey kids,
Speaker 5: did you like what you just heard? Well, guess what.
Speaker 1: We've got tons more man thousands of hours of podcasts
Speaker 1: waiting for you at that Kevinsmith club dot com. Go
Speaker 1: sign up now,