Show Notes
This is Bart queen, and welcome to the remarkability Institute. Great to have you all back. Now, if you've been following in the last series that I've been sharing, we've been focused on this idea of your delivery mechanics. And if you're just joining us, one of the things that I've spoken about many, many times is this idea that what you say and how you say it has to match.
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00:02:05] It is the driving principle at looking at what a lot of people may call body language or what I call the delivery mechanics. How you physically come across. Now in our first couple of sessions, the very first one I, I covered this idea of your posture and your movement, bringing those two pieces together. I did one single, separated podcast guys just around eye contact and the power of what that can bring to the table.
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00:02:37] Today, I want to focus on a couple more of those pieces. I want to be able to take a look at gestures. I want to be able to discuss facial expressions, what you're doing with your face, and then I want to get into this whole broader concept of vocal variety. So let me come back to this idea that people buy what they see before they buy what they hear, which has to be congruent.
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00:03:02] So, as we go through this section today, I want you to realize that these mechanics are kind of the cherry on the top. They don't fall into the bucket of what I call your power skills. Your power skills are your posture. Your eye contact, the power of the pause, and a short to medium sentences. Those four things are the things that give you the greatest confidence and the greatest power when you're communicating the additional mechanics of your facial expressions, and your gestures, your vocal variety of some of the other pieces are cherry on the top.
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00:03:42] They continue to enhance what you're doing. But if you said to me, Bart, where should I focus? I'd say focus on the power skills first. Now, I also taught you and shared with you that every single thing counts. So I am not diminishing these. These are important, but if you gave me an opportunity, if you said, Bart, give me a choice.
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00:04:07] Go to your power skills first. Now as we walked through these this afternoon, this morning, wherever you happen to be listening, as you're driving to work, whatever you happen to be doing, I want you to take some notes on some of these ideas, whether their mental notes are notes you put on some paper because there are some pieces here that I want to make sure that you can remember.
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00:04:32] If you can do that, you'll find that when you go to practice some of these ideas, you go to implement some of these ideas. You can come back to your note, and you can physically implement each of these pieces one by one. Let's dive in this afternoon in this idea of gestures, the number one purpose of a gesture, number one purpose.
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00:04:58] Is to enhance your content. Now, when I'm talking about enhancing your content, I mean two things. The number one reason that most people gesture is an emphasis is what you see a lot of. The second reason you gesture is what I call visualization. If by chance, you've ever watched. Drew Carey show, whose line is it?
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00:05:26] The next time you're channel surfing and you come across that show, do me a favor, hit the mute button on your TV. Just watch their gestures are so effective that you can tell what they're talking about without even hearing anything. The majority of those gestures are more for that idea of visualization.
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00:05:48]Now, there's a couple of components within both of those you want to think about. If you think about this idea that people gesture to add emphasis, that brings us to a couple of dues and does not. I want you to consider you'll find a lot of people who will point. Now, if you're a parent with small children, you'll see them do this often where someone is pointing at you.
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00:06:15] How does that get perceived. Most people would say, well, Bart, that gets perceived as condescending or scolding, a basic rule of thumb, never, ever point. I want you to break yourself of that habit. So if you can visualize what president Clinton, President Bush, and President Obama did when they pointed, they kind of.
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00:06:44] Made a little fist, and with their thumb, they would emphasize something in my mind that is still pointing. What I would want you always to do is what I call an open Palm. So if you can do me a favor with your hand, make a finger point, like you're speaking to a child, you're pointing at them. Then do what the presidents did.
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00:07:10] Make more of a fist with your thumb. And notice how that comes across. And then I want you to do what I call an open Palm. You're taking your Palm; it's open, you're directing it forward. Your fingers are not spread apart. Your fingers are together, your thumb is apart from your hand, and you make a gesture.
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00:07:30] Now, as you look at that, ask yourself this question, which is more open and approachable, a finger point or more of an open Palm. I am mystified why our leaders, our executives, don't understand this: one simple comment, one simple concept on using your gestures. Again, we don't even know we're doing it.
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00:07:59] We're not even thinking about it, but we're trying to emphasize a point, and you're pointing at people. That open Palm will create a whole big difference. Now, remember, it's about connecting and having a conversation. So if you're at Starbucks and you're sitting with your friend or a spouse or somebody you care about, a colleague, you're not going to point at them.
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00:08:19] You're going to do more of an open type of a gesture, always an open Palm. Then that brings me to the second kind of guiding principle, never back of the hand. I'm not saying that your listeners can't see your back of the hand, but I see this a lot. I'll see someone standing in front of an audience, and they're going to show the number two, and they'll go, there are two things you should think about, and they'll do the back of a hand.
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00:08:50] Now, in other parts of the world, this is extremely offensive. Most people will say, well, Bart's, that's doing the peace sign. No, the peace sign is more Palm forward. So the basic rule of thumb is if you've got notes in front of you, mental note guys, never back. Rule of thumb, Palm, always forward, Palm, always forward.
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00:09:14] Now, with that, I want to add one more thing. The Palm always leads. Suppose I would share with you that we have increasing costs, and I was standing in front of a group of people. I would put my Palm up, and I would take my hand up. The Palm always leads. If you wanted to share something about decreased risk, take your hand up in the air, face the Palm down and say, this is decreasing risk.
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00:09:44] Bring your Palm down. The Palm always leads. So number one, no finger point guys. Number two. No back, no. Back of hand. Number three, the Palm always leads. Now, a couple of more do not, and I have names for these so that it will help you remember how many times have you been standing or seated in an audience, and you've seen somebody do what I call spider pushups.
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00:10:19] It's where they put their fingers touching each other. They're creating this, and they're bouncing their hand back and forth like this. This is what we call spider pushups. If someone is doing this, answer this question, where's the focus? Yes. You're probably focused on their hands. If you remember, the number one place you as a listener should be focused on is their face.
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00:10:47] Everything you do with your gestures should emphasize a point, visualize the point, and then drive the listener back to your face. The way you do that is you make your gesture, and then you go back to your arms by your sides. If you listen to my podcasts on posture, I talked about that. Do whatever gesture you want.
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00:11:10] Come back to your sides. Do whatever you want. Come back to your sides. Everything that you do drives that listener to your face—no more spider pushups. I do get a kick. I don't see this with many women, but I see this more with men of what I call the Napoleon. What arm is down to the side, what arm is kind of centered in their chest and all their gestures are right here.
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00:11:35] Like Napoleon would be grabbing his shirt or put his hand in his shirt. I get a kick out of this for someone, and we'll go, alright, we need to go full circle, and they'll make a little circle and that, that arm, that hand will barely leave the center of their chest. This is what we call the Napoleon, that other arm that's not doing anything.
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00:11:54] It just had a stroke. It's just hanging there as you want balance in your gestures. Now the challenge there can be that nine times out of 10, your dominant arm, my dominant arm is my right arm. I tend to do the majority of my gestures with my right arm. It takes a little practice and a little bit of focus to incorporate and bring that left arm in, or if you're lefthanded more of your right arm.
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00:12:26] No finger point, no spider pushups, no Napoleon. The others do not is what I call Velcro elbows. The majority of the people that I coach and I train, the majority of folks are this idea of Velcro elbows. You have seen them, their elbows are kind of tight to their sides, and they're waving their arms back and forth, but they never let their side, their elbows leave their side.
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00:12:53] They're very, very tight to the side. This makes you look like you're all tied up into notch, instead of feeling like you can put a little air underneath your armpits. Now your gestures need to be in two places you're in. Yet your gestures need to be chest level or what I call the Northern hemisphere around your face.
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00:13:20] Many people will put their gestures, and when I call the Southern hemisphere, imagine someone standing in front of you, and their gestures are, or more down at their hip level. You don't want your gestures there. I'm not saying you can't put some gestures there or what I call the Southern hemisphere, but most of your gestures need to be chest level and around your face.
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00:13:48] Why? Because it keeps the focus, keeps the listener's focus on your face. So as you began to practice the skill set, as you begin to refine it, as you begin to become more effective with your gestures, remember that there are two reasons why you gesture, emphasize, drive a point, visualization. Where do your gestures take place?
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00:14:49] The majority chest level. Northern hemisphere, around your face. Minimal gestures and what we call the Southern hemisphere. No finger point, no spider pushups. No Napoleon, Novell Crow, elbows. Now that leaves one last place I want you to think about. It's what I call T-Rex. This is where your elbows are tucked to your sides.
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00:15:19] And your arms are directly in front of you. Remember T-Rex, big dinosaur, little arms. It looks ridiculous when people do this. It is out of the box. It's going to feel weird if I get you to expand your arms, cause here's what you're going to say to me, Bart, that's eighth-grade drama club. To a certain extent.
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00:15:42] Yes. If you asked me to look at from an overall perspective, these skills, I would tell you, yes. Look at president Reagan, for example, if you'll remember him as a speaker known as a great, great speaker of the last millennium. Where did he learn his skills? He learned it, and being an actor; he knew the importance of being balanced on his feet.
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00:16:06] He knew the importance of up on stage, looking at people and connecting, using eye contact. He knew the importance of using his voice. He knew the idea that every single thing counts. All these pieces have to come together. For the majority of folks, their gestures become distractions. They flail their arms.
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00:16:30] You've heard someone say, I'm Italian, so their arms are doing all kinds of things, but their arms are doing so much. It takes away from their message. Now, there are many people who gesture a lot on the continuum. I gesture a lot; if that's the case, great, and for some of you, you may have minimal gestures.
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00:16:51] That is fine too. Anywhere on this continuum for you as an individual, your authenticity, wherever your jest shows fall, whether there are a lot, a little or they're in the middle, doesn't matter. The question you have to answer is, are my gestures effective? Do they engage my audience? Do they enhance my content?
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00:17:14] If they do those things, stay on the Mark. Continue to do the things that you're doing well. If they're a distraction, if they take away from your message, I want you to get rid of them. Now, there's one more, especially when you're in a group audience that I want you to consider. This one took me a long time to master.
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00:17:38] I want you to picture yourself standing in a conference room, standing in front of a group of people standing up on a keynote Ted type talk. I want you to envision 500 people in the room. I want you to envision yourself standing center stage. I want you to envision yourself out of the center of your being.
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00:18:03] There is a beam of light that goes forward. Now, if you turn slightly to the left, that beam goes slightly to the left. If you turn to the right, the beam goes to the right. So I want you to have pictured that. Now here's your rule of thumb. I'm setting in front of this audience. The beam of light is directly in front of me.
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00:18:26] If I am going to gesture to anyone on the right side of the beam, I use my right hand and arm. If I'm going to gesture someone to the left side of this beam of light, I use my left hand. So here's your principle that I want you to remember. I do not. I do not want you to cross your body when you cross your body.
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00:18:52] I'm right-handed. Envision this with me. I'm right-handed. I'm gesturing to someone to my far left, and I crossed my body. What happens is I lose that neutrality. I want you to keep yourself as open and neutral as possible. Now, even today, after all these years of practice and trying to bring these skills to a new level for myself, there are many times in my enthusiasm, my dominant arm, my right arm gets the best of me, and I cross my body to the best of your ability.
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00:19:27] I don't want you to do that. Now. I can promise you no one's going to walk up to you after your talk, your presentation, your meeting, whatever you're going to do, and say, Bart, you cross your body five times. I'm sorry you're done. Nobody's going to say that. They are not going to know the mechanics that you're using.
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00:19:47] Guys. What they're going to do is come up to you and say you were open. You were fluid. You look comfortable. So here's the lesson I want you to learn, and all the skills that I'm sharing with you, they're not going to come up and criticize the mechanics. They're going to talk about the results of the mechanics.
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00:20:04] So if you've looked at people and you've connected with folks with your eye contact or say, wow, you were so confident. That was conversational. If you moved in your stage or you moved in your meeting room, he said, wow. That was engaging. That was highly interactive. They are going to comment on the results that the mechanics create.
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00:20:26] They will not discuss the mechanics cause they can't pinpoint it. I remember a young when w when I was young in my career that there are people I admire. I said I so much would like to be like them, so like to come across like them. I could no longer tell you what they were doing than the man on the moon.
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00:20:46] Until I broke down these skillsets and broke it to a mechanical level to where they're repeatable. I want the same for you. Then you can get out and water the group size where you're at in the world. You can make an application to these skill sets. Now, if, by chance, guys, you do a fair amount of international travel, let me just toss you a book that I found extremely helpful.
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00:21:11] It's called a kiss, bow shake. Kiss, bow, shake. It is my international Bible that I carry with me if I'm going to travel abroad. Now, if I haven't had a chance to read it, I take it. If I do have a chance to get into it, I look ahead, I look, I find the country that I need, I read about that country, and then I've got the principles that I can use.
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00:21:37] You'll find that book extremely helpful if you do a lot of international travel. If you have an opportunity to really sit somebody, sit with someone from that culture, I can't begin to tell you how they can give you the ins and outs that you may want to think about. Our overall goal is to be listener focused, listener focus, listener, focus list, or focus.
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00:22:01] That means we adjust to the culture that we're in. That means we had to adjust to the audience that we're speaking to. That means we adjust. If we're on the West Coast or the East coast, that means we adjust. If we're talking in the deep South or we're up in the North, being listener focused, taking that principle with everything I'm sharing with you will change everything.
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00:22:26] Now, that's kind of gestures at a high level—the second thing I want to get in today's facial expressions. Let me ask this question. Do we tend to side smile too much or not enough? Just, on the whole, I would talk to you that for the majority of people, we don't smile enough. Now I'm not asking you to walk up to someone with a big smile in your face and say.
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00:22:57] I'm sorry I ran over your dog today, grinning. As you say, I am not saying that in any way, shape, or form.
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00:23:04]I do want you to be aware of what your face does and all the years that I worked with call center engineers in cubicles in a room answering—client or customer questions for eight hours a day. There are many of the managers. I'd go to them and say, you need to put mirrors in these cubicles.
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00:23:28]Can you hear a smile over the phone? Of course, you can, but as we're on the phone and talking, we're not even realizing what our facial expressions are doing. And if you'll come back to this idea that we had a goal of a balance between. Being authoritative, authoritative, and being approachable. Part of that approachability is your face.
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00:23:52] How many times have you walked into a social environment and saw someone across the room and you went, Whoa, I'm not going to talk to them, and they look like they're angry. They may not be angry. It's their facial expression. I have one of those faces that makes me look angry—my eyes kind of come down a little bit.
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00:24:12] My mouth comes down a little bit. And I looked stern. I've got people who will walk up to me and say, Bart, are you angry? Are you upset about something? I'm like, no. Why? It's my facial expression. When I'm in a social environment, I know that when I'm teaching a class when I'm giving a speech, somehow when I'm up front and folks, I've got to almost overextend my smile in my face.
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00:24:40] And you'll feel, I feel like, wow, that's the most insincere smile ever given to anybody. Yes, that's what it feels like to me, but that's not how it gets perceived by the audience. Remember, that's the concept of disparity, disparity, what you experience, and what the listener experiences are—definitely two different things.
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00:25:04] All I'm asking you to do. Is be aware of what you're doing with your face. Think about it now; I know that there are a lot of people that you're going, yeah, I've had someone come up to me and say that I have a certain kind of a face. Some of us do, some of us don't. Now, there are those people that are hard as they try.
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00:25:24] They've got this big grin on their face all the time. Their challenge, their challenge is, how do I get serious? So they've got to work on the other side of that coin. All you're doing is looking for balance, but it is important. People buy what they see before they buy what they hear. So guys, please do me a favor and make sure you build some awareness around what you're doing with your face.
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00:25:53] Gentlemen, if you happen to have a beard or a mustache, please realize that many times, especially if it's heavy guys, that will bring your mouth down, and you may be smiling, but because of your facial hair, I may not see that. I'm not saying shave your beard or mustache. I'm saying be aware of the impact of what that will do when you're communicating.
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00:26:19]Let me add one more note to that, and that sometimes is your eyeglasses. Guys, many times, if you're up on a stage and there's a ton of lights in your face, you may get a lot of glare off your eyeglasses. If I can't see your eyes, it's harder to connect so that there's just another place there where it's all about how do I connect and how do I have a conversation with folks.
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00:26:40] So make sure with facial hair or your eyeglasses, you're aware, and you're sensitive to the impact that may be creating with your listeners. Now. This last concept I want to talk about or share with you is the idea of vocal variety. This is your voice. There are five major components to what we call vocal variety.
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00:27:04] Number one, it's the rate that you speak fast or slow. Some people have a very deliberate rate. I kind of fall more to that bucket. I'm more deliberate in the rate that I speak. There are some people who speak very energetically; they've got a faster rate. These are the folks that always come to me and say, Bart, I'm always get told.
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00:27:27] I talk too fast. I talk too fast. I talk too fast. I want you to realize something. You cannot change your God-given rate of speech. Can you adjust it for a short period? Sure. If I'm a deliberate speaker, can I speed it up if I want to show enthusiasm? Very much so. If I'm an enthusiastic speaker with a lot of energy, can I pull it back, speak more slowly and deliberately?
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00:27:56] I can for a short amount of time. The key for you, energetic speakers to break yourself of this idea. I speak too fast. I speak too fast. I speak too fast. The solution to you is your eye contact. If I'm looking at a set of eyes and I deliver one sentence and deliver it in my enthusiastic voice, they're going to get it.
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00:28:21] That's tremendous. But between the time I go from one set of eyes to another set of eyes, that forces that pause I've shared with you, and now I speak energetically. You can't change the rate that you speak. You can adjust it, but you can't change it. I don't want those people out there who listen to this who are enthusiastic speakers to feel like you have to change it.
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00:28:45] You can't change it. What I want you to do is add that ingredient of eye contact. Your authenticity is awesome. I want you to keep that, and for you deliberate speakers when you feel like you need to ratchet it up a little bit, add some energy to your voice, add your modulation. Keep your eye contact and you'll find that you fought.
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00:29:07] You're far more engaging. So that first element is the idea of your rate. The second key ingredient around vocal variety is volume. Now, nine times out of 10, every single one of us can bring the volume in our voice up two to three notches. The majority of us over the course of all my years of teaching this, I could count on one hand the number of people I've had to say, wow, can you do me a favor and soften your voice a little bit?
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00:29:41] Most people even think that when they're around a boardroom table, they need to soften their voice. I might encourage you; if there's someone at that table that can't hear you, they're going to check out on you in the Western part of the world. A louder voice gets perceived as more confident. Now for an classic Asian parts of the world, that gets seemed as obnoxious.
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00:30:07] We're always listener focused. When you're standing up on a stage, and you're speaking, are we trying to reach the person in the back row or the person in the front row. We're trying to reach the person in the back row. Now, if you're on a Mike, the person who's working the mic and the volume, they will adjust it so everybody in the audience can hear them.
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00:30:33] But if you don't have a mic and you don't have a microphone, I want you to keep the back row in mind. Nice. It's the same with our gestures. Most people think if I give this big huge gesture. The people in the front, Oregon, I think, Oh my gosh, it's, it feels like it's way out of the box, but if I'm in the very back row, it seems like the most normal thing in the world.
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00:30:56] Again, that's that disparity for you. Softer speakers. I can't encourage you enough. I want you to come across as confident. Bring your voice up two to three notches. And this is what you're going to say to me, Bart. I'm yelling. Yes. That's what it feels like to you. That's not what it feels like to your audience.
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00:31:20] The third key element is your pitch and tone. Now, this is your God given pitch and tone. This is just how you sound. Everybody will say part, I don't like my voice. I don't like my voice. I get it. I'm not fond of my voice either. If you really want to know what your voice sounds like, listen to your answering machine.
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00:31:39] That is your real voice. What you hear as you speak, as it goes through all this flesh and bone is not. It is not what the listener hears. Your vocal tone is all part of your authenticity. Now, deeper tones is what we're striving for. So think about James Earl Jones or the voice of CNN, or the voice of Darth Vader.
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00:32:06] That Jeep resonant kind of tones. Those tones get perceived as more confident, higher pitched voices up here. Don't get perceived that way. Your breathing can help with that. A shorter to a medium sentence can help with that. I do not. Do not want you to get hung up on your guide given pitch and tone. Work with it.
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00:32:36] Embrace it. It's part of who you are. Now, that leads me to accents and I'll get many people. I'll get people from, from England, I'll get someone from Ireland or I'll get someone from the South or someone from an Asian country that'll say, Bardo. I want to change my accent. I want to change my accent. I would encourage you.
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00:32:57] Again, that's part of your authenticity. It's who you are. Now, if I can't understand what you're saying, that's when your accent becomes a challenge. Yes. Do certain accents get certain perceptions? Yes. Those are the things that you're going to have to deal with. How you choose to deal with them is what separates you out from everyone else.
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00:33:22] Now, there are two key components left. The first is this idea of influxion. Some of you may call that modulation. This is the up, down in your voice. If I'm dealing with an executive, that would be what I would call narrow banded. I don't mean monotones narrow banded. There's not a lot of up and down in their voice.
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00:33:46] My coaching point to them as I'm coaching them for their event that they're going to be speaking to. I get them to move and I get them to use gestures. So here's the principle I want you to note. Your voice will always follow what your body does. Your voice will always follow what your body does. If I said, this is the number two, and I put it right about shoulder height.
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00:34:13] Now I'm going to say it one more time and I'm going to take it up a little bit higher with my hand. This is the number two. I took it up higher. If I bring my hand back to neutral and I take it as far as I can reach it, listen to the difference in my voice. This is the number two. Your voice will always follow what your body does.
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00:34:34] That principle should help you if you feel like you fall into that bracket of being more narrow, banded. Now one more thought with your inflection, where you put the influxion will change the whole meaning of the whole sentence, where you put the influxion will change the whole meaning of the whole sentence.
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00:34:54] So be very, very careful where you decide to do that. If you want to drive a point, practice that sentence, get the inflection on the right place. I can't tell you the number of times as a young man, my mom would say to me, Bart is not what you say, but it's how you say it. A lot of times that's where we ended up putting the inflection.
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00:35:18] Now, the last key component is this idea of a pause. If you listen to my podcast on the power skills, this is where I shared with you that a pause is purely punctuation in your spoken speech. That's all it is. We pause for two reasons. We pause for emphasis and we pause for clarity. Most people pause for emphasis and PR, and one of my favorite presidents, I remember when he said, if you extend your hand, and he paused, pardon me?
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00:35:57] He said, if you unclench your fist.
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00:36:00]If you unclench your FA, if you unclench your fist, we will reach out our hand. If you unclench your Fest, we will reach out our hand. And between those two pieces, he paused. If you think about Martin Luther King, Martin Luther King said, I have a dream. And he paused. He waited for 250,000 people to respond to what was going to come next.
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00:36:34] That's that power of the pause. Your ability to pause, to take the ums and AHS out of your voice to make a point stand out will make you engaging and influential in everything that you do. So today, guys, I have really taken a look at your gestures. We've given you some idea around your facial expressions, and we spent a little bit of time around this idea of your vocal variety.
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00:37:03] I can probably spend an hour in each one of those buckets and teaching and training you and getting you to practice. And the podcast that we've looked at and that you've listened to around these delivery mechanics. I want you to begin to bring all these pieces together, make sure you've got your eye contact in place.
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00:37:23] It's the number one skill you want to be able to practice and begin to integrate the rest of these skills into the way that you communicate. Please remember that every single thing counts. One is not more powerful than than the other. When you bring all the pieces together is when you win, you win.
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00:37:41] Because what you say and how you say it becomes one solid message. It's what I call letting your life speak. People buy what they see before they buy what they hear. No matter whether you're talking professionally or personally. I want your message to be of power. I remember one time hearing someone say, great leaders don't do great things, great leaders help others do great things.
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00:38:13] I would believe that your ability to communicate your message and your passion will help other people do go. We'll do help other people to go out and do great things. This is Bart queen, the remarkability Institute, and I'll see you next time.