Before we get into this episode, I want to be clear about something.
This isn’t a story about failed relationships.
And it’s not about blaming the people I dated.
It’s about patterns I didn’t recognize… needs I didn’t honor… and the quiet ways we can lose ourselves while trying to make something work.
For nearly a decade, I didn’t date at all. And when I finally did, I moved through relationships believing that time, effort, and good intentions would naturally lead to clarity.
What I didn’t understand back then was this:
experience alone doesn’t equal growth — awareness does.
What changed wasn’t the people.
What changed was being guided — not fixed — into understanding myself.
So, if you’ve ever felt behind in life…
If you’ve ever ignored red flags because you didn’t want to be alone…
If you’ve ever stayed in something long after your mind, heart, or body was trying to leave…
You’re not alone.
Before we go any further, I want to ask a few questions.
You don’t need to answer them right now.
You don’t need to figure anything out.
Just notice what comes up as you listen.
As I share my story, see if any of these feel familiar…
What patterns have shown up more than once in my relationships — and how have I contributed to them?
Not with judgment… but with honesty.
Are there needs I tend to minimize or explain away to keep the peace?
And what happens to me when I do that?
When I’ve ignored red flags in the past, what was I afraid would happen if I listened to them?
Do I see therapy or support as something that fixes people —
or something that helps guide understanding?
Where did that belief come from?
What would it look like to believe I’m worthy of walking away from something that isn’t right for me —
even if it isn’t “bad”?
And am I choosing relationships based on familiarity…
or alignment?
Keep those questions in the background as we move forward.
Welcome back to another episode of the Dancing with Depression podcast.
I’m your host, Adam Turner.
Up to this point, I’ve shared parts of my mental health journey — childhood experiences, medication, therapy, and the quiet battles we don’t always see coming.
But today, we’re stepping into a chapter I haven’t really unpacked publicly: my relationship history… or honestly, the lack of one.
This isn’t about retelling old drama.
It’s about understanding how the experiences we avoid, ignore, or don’t fully process shape how we see ourselves — how we love — and how we struggle.
And for me, that story really begins with a long pause.
Once I entered college, dating stopped. Completely.
And instead of learning relationships in real time — the way most people do in their late teens and early twenties — I stepped away.
For an entire decade.
I wasn’t incapable of connecting as proven by the strong friendships I built during that time – most of which I still have 30+ years later – so I didn’t avoid intimacy or vulnerability on purpose.
I just wasn’t mature enough yet to understand them — and in that, I missed out on experiences that might have helped me grow sooner.
At the time, I told myself I was avoiding drama.
What I didn’t realize was that I was also avoiding growth.
And that decision followed me longer than I understood.
Looking back now, this is where the pattern quietly began.
Fast forward 10 years, everything shifted. So, what the heck happened on 28 that led me to date after a 10-year hiatus? Well, the first thing that stood out was my confidence. No, I didn't grow an extra foot and become six feet, but it was at an all-time high and some of that was attributed to the money I was making.
Wasn't crazy, it was just I felt confident. I had goals and felt like I had a path to achieve them.
One day I noticed one of my neighbors coming back from the grocery store and so I said hello. I hadn't done that in a very long time. It was a short interaction, but since she was a neighbor, I was confident I'd see her again. Which I did.
We started a real conversation with the usual questions like each other's names. And as I listened to her voice, I found myself concentrating, trying to determine where her accent was from. Admittedly, I was not and probably am still not considered a well-traveled person. So the combination of what I was seeing coupled with what I was hearing, it was confusing. I later found out she was born in Uganda and went to private school in Switzerland. So, it was an accent that I had recognized but wasn't sure how it tied together. For many people, red flags would have been popping up everywhere, but not for this naive fool.
It was going to take a lot more than just an accent and the fact that we had nothing in common to stop the 10-year drought of talking to a stranger. As you guessed, the red flags appeared early and often, but I wanted nothing to do with them. I'm sure many of us can identify at least one relationship where we've done that. Right?
My goal is not to portray any of these relationships negatively.
I allowed everything to happen and attribute it to my immaturity, lack of life experience, and plain and simple stubbornness.
I think I can change them and take away their pain.
So that, I'll use this word lightly, and relationship ended. At least for me, it ended after two years. For her, I think maybe it lasted a couple of months for her.
And because life has a sense of humor, the next relationship started 10 feet away with the neighbor on the other side. I couldn't make this up even if I tried. To say this relationship was better, there is truth, no doubt. However, the consistent challenge was me.
She was a new mother who had left the state where the father lived. He made it very clear he wasn't going to be in the child's life.
Even though his name was tattooed on her body. And I remember thinking, what kind of jerk does that? Quick reminder. I felt like I was operating in a 30-year old's body with the maturity and life experience of an 18-year-old.
It wasn't hard to see if I wasn't the father of the child. Her mother was Arabic and Irish and my skin tone would probably best be defined as Casper the friendly ghost. There were so many challenges within the relationship. The biggest being that I wanted to help her. Or fix things for her. And she wanted.
And thank God she did the complete opposite, which is to do it on her own, to prove she didn't need a man to raise her daughter and take care of her. At the time, my immature self couldn't grasp that.
I truly love bringing this relationship up because she was honest with me and her maturity and understanding protected my heart from shattering for eternity. If not for her, I truly don't think I would have opened my heart to the most incredible person I've ever met in my life. My wife Bob.
By the time the third relationship came around, you'd think I would have learned something from the two previous, right? Well, I still had a little more growth to go through before that happened. Seeing as how I was now an expert in being in a relationship with a young kiddo, I did it again.
Surely, I could take some of the valuable lessons learned from the previous relationship and add value to the next one, right? Well, I'll let you be the judge of that.
I met my next girlfriend through work. We were friendly, but when she shared that she was in the middle of a divorce, I knew to stay in my lane. And I did. Papers filed? Nope. Court dates set. Not enough. Officially divorced. Okay, now we can see if there's something there. I learned a lot about her.
previous relationships, work experience, travel, service in the army, and why she felt her marriage didn't make it past a year. To me, it sounded like we need to get married because I'm pregnant situation, but that's just what I gathered from what she shared. The important thing was she seemed happy and I did the right thing by not getting involved with a married woman.
But there were things I noticed in the relationship that I hadn't noticed in the previous ones. Things that were important to me seemed to be missing yet. Things I'd seen in successful relationships like communication, family involvement, consistency. I found myself asking questions like: We've been together a year, and I've spent time with you and your daughter only twice. We go on vacations for days at a time and it's just the two of us. Why can't I talk to your mother about certain things? Because you always say she doesn't agree and it'll only upset her. So just don't bother talking about it.
These things raised concern, one thing triggered a serious realization that this relationship wasn't going to work. Trust. I had lost trust in my first relationship, and the only reason I didn't lose it completely was because of the second relationship.
I absolutely knew the importance of it now. So, when she mentioned she wanted to visit a friend in Texas, I not only saw the red flag, but I was also convinced the relationship was no good for me and should have ended. Why? Because when we were just friends, she told me about her again, off again, X. The one who lived in another state that she shared very openly about her undeniable physical desire for him and how that desire was the reason they stayed together as long as they did. And the only reason they weren't together was because he moved. Even now, I'll never forget how she described that intense connection and how unsure she was that she could resist being physical with him if they were to see each other again. So, three months into our relationship when she asked to visit him in Texas and clearly forgot she had told me all of this, she was confused about why I hesitated to quote unquote, give her my blessing.
In my mind and body, I knew the relationship was over.
But I think it is because she didn't end up going and I didn't follow through with leaving.
The relationship continued for a total of five more years. Yeah, go ahead and say it. What in the actual F was I thinking? How? Why? Ugh! I'll skip the variety of red flags that popped up over those five years and jump to the two specific reasons I'm sharing these stories with you now.
She had asked me to attend couples therapy to work on our relationship and improve communication. We were maybe a year or two into the relationship and my track record of wanting to fix things made it feel like she cared and like it was a good idea.
So, I was tasked with finding a local couple’s therapist who had evening availability. Let me be clear, there was nothing extensive about my research. I reached out to three therapists and waited for a response.
Also, I agreed to therapy because I saw it as an opportunity for a professional to basically confirm that what I had been saying all along was right. So even though therapy wasn't my idea, I was more than willing to go.
Two of the three therapists got back to me quickly. One went by name of Giselle. She had private practice in South Windsor, Connecticut. Sage Counseling Associates.
called me back and asked how she could help. I started with the basic questions. Do you take my insurance? Do you have availability after 6 p.m.? And finally, are you married? Yep. A little bit of a pause on everybody's account except for mine. And probably wondering why I asked that. At the time, Giselle didn't seem surprised or bothered by it. At least she didn't show it. And she shared that she was remarried and asked if that was going to be a problem.
I don't know if this is in my defense, but I just want to add a little context as to why I asked that question and where it had come from. I had been reading a lot of personal development books, which jokingly is the reason why I got into these relationships in the first place, because I had confidence now. And one of the books was Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill. And in it, he writes about the importance of what he referred to as a mastermind group, which was to surround yourself with people whose results or lifestyles align with the direction that you wanted to go. Somehow my naive brain connected the principle to therapy and said, if I want a successful relationship, I should learn from someone who is married. Okay, give everybody a few seconds to...
air punch and frustration trying to figure out what my peanut brain was thinking. Okay, back on track. Despite all of that, Giselle offered to meet with us to see if we were fit. So, I booked the appointment. And like so many relationships, we had our communication challenges. But therapy helped me realize a few things.
This relationship wasn't shaky due to a breakdown in communication. It was because of the breakdown in doing what was communicated.
This relationship wasn't shaky due to a breakdown in communication. It was a breakdown in doing what was communicated. And second, therapy isn't about taking advice from someone who's been there. It's about learning to navigate where you are. Let's not forget.
Let's not forget the second rule of couple’s therapy. Neither you nor the therapist can change your partner.
Wait, what happened to rule one? Rule one is don't come just to prove you're right. Which I clearly broke as I mentioned when I was setting the appointment.
I don't think it's a surprise to anyone who hears that the relationship eventually ended. So, couples therapy didn't work, right? no, no, no, no, no, no. It worked. Just not in the way I expected. What ultimately ended things was when my girlfriend at the time told me she was thinking about reenlisting in the army.
saying it would open more opportunities for her and her daughter. Red flag number one? You guessed it. She was willing to leave her three-year-old daughter for eight months?
Okay, red flag number two. I wasn't included in the opportunities she was referring to. I shared my thoughts. I felt they were.
I shared my thoughts that there were other ways to create opportunities without having to leave your young child. And I thought I made a solid case.
Then she told me she had already made the decision.
Well, much further than that, she had already signed the paperwork and would be deployed within 30 days.
She had already signed the paperwork and would be deployed within the next 30 days.
I'm curious. It's going through your mind right now.
Me? I still thought I needed to be there for her. And when I say that, even today I wonder, what was wrong with me? I gave it a go. I sent care packages and tried to be positive and supportive. But as time passed, more red flags appeared. Six months in, to her deployment during one of the rare phone conversations that we could have.
I experienced one of the most confusing moments of my life.
I was talking about something and said, “When you get back, we will” ... And she said, “if we're still together.”
That's when things started clicking. I know, finally, right? Suddenly, I remember her asking me about resistance, even though she had already done it. I started to think she had already ended the relationship with me. I just didn't realize it.
But how? I mean, I was still sending care packages, and they were freaking sweet.
What I learned next absolutely broke me. Not only had she left the relationship long before I realized it, but she had also started another one. When she told me she was visiting friends in California to reduce the travel back and forth because she had a couple of weeks off,
I found out she was in the very state I lived in for those two weeks. And I had no idea.
For me, I was just lost. I was searching for answers from someone who was physically gone for six months and emotionally, well, I don't know how long she had truly been gone or if she was ever emotionally involved with me at all.
She had left the relationship long before I realized it.
And here's where everything I didn't know about myself finally caught up with me. When the relationship ended, or honestly ended without me realizing it, I crashed emotionally. The loss wasn't about her. It was about so much more.
It was about 10 years of skipped relationship experience suddenly hitting me all at once. It magnified insecurities I had been carrying for years. And even though my depression didn't start with these relationships, these experiences absolutely intensified.
And when you hit a point where you can't make sense of your own story anymore, you reach for whatever lifeline you can find. I made one call. The phone rang once. Giselle picked up. I don't remember what I said or if I even made any sense. But before we hung up, she scheduled time for us to talk.
I didn't know what to expect, but I knew one thing. If there was any chance, I could work through this, Giselle was the person who could help me do it.
Looking back on those three relationships…
what stands out isn’t who they were with
it’s who I was, during that time.
I was the only constant.
Not broken.
Not wrong.
Just unaware of what I needed…
and too afraid to ask.
It wasn’t until therapy
being given space instead of answers
that things began to change.
I didn’t need someone to fix me.
I needed someone to help me see myself clearly…
to take responsibility for my choices.
That’s what guidance gave me.
In the next episode…
I’m joined by Giselle, the couple’s therapist who guided me through this period of my life.
We’ll talk about what therapy is really like
especially for those who’ve never been… what that first step feels like…
and why stepping into discomfort often leads to relief you didn’t even know was possible.
Therapy isn’t about being broken.
It’s not about having the perfect words…
or all the answers.
It’s about having a space where you don’t have to perform…
explain yourself…
or pretend to have it all figured out.
A space to slow down…
connect the dots…
and start understanding…
not just how you relate to others…
but how you relate to yourself.
Have you ever felt behind in life?
Stayed somewhere too long…
because leaving felt scarier than staying?
You’re not alone.
Sometimes the hardest step isn’t fixing everything at once
it’s simply showing up…
being present…
and letting yourself be seen.
If this episode spoke to you…
take a moment to like, share, or leave a comment.
Every small action helps someone else find these stories…
support…
and resources they didn’t even know existed.
Thanks for listening.
And remember…
when it comes to depression…
take the lead.
What is Dancing With Depression?
Welcome to Dancing With Depression. This is a podcast dedicated to opening up the conversation about mental health, focusing specifically on depression. I was diagnosed with depression in 2015.
I've realized how crucial it is to talk openly about this topic, breaking its stigma. Like taboo subjects such as income, politics, or religion, depression should not be off-limits.
Through sharing my journey, from my upbringing to my personal experiences and moments of vulnerability, I aim to convey that it's okay to feel this way. We are not alone, and most importantly, we did nothing wrong. Depression doesn't confine itself to a specific upbringing, socio-economic status, or background. I hope my stories encourage others to share their own experiences, highlighting how depression affects not just individuals but their loved ones as well.
Every day with depression is different for me. Some days, it's a mild waltz; other days, it can start with a tap dance, shift into a Salsa, and by noon, I’m a Ballet dancer – leaping, bending, lifting (the weight of my depression), and balancing myself on the tips of my toes all while spinning rapidly.
I invite you to join me as we navigate the complex dance with depression together, all while striving to Take The Lead!