Traits of the Ego - Reaction & Response

Namaste! We are here with Gautam ji for our next podcast, and we are continuing the series- traits of the ego. Gautam, thank you so much for your time as always. My pleasure Nik. And Gautam the response to the first episode was rather nice and very sincere. People asked some very meaningful questions. So I felt it would be nice if we can continue this series and cover all the aspects and traits of the ego and the mind so it can help devotees become very aware, like if they have a sort of framework to know what to look for, it can help them in their journey. Sure, because this is the journey of unraveling the ego and all its projections, defense mechanisms, how it tries to control others, dominate, and so on and so forth. So I'm very happy that the audience has responded well to the traits of the ego podcast, because it shows that there is a sincere effort being made to understand oneself and what life is about. So Gautam in today's episode, I felt we can theme it on the difference between a reaction and a response. Every human I feel will come under situations where I mean pretty much all day, every day, where you are challenged. I mean, the way life is, situations, people, places, things can be challenging, right? So I felt if we can talk about the various aspects, and maybe you can give some tips and some questions, maybe they can ask themselves that can help them differentiate. And we just cover all the aspects of this. Yes, Nik. And this is a very important point to have raised because most of us are reactive in nature, especially when our buttons get pressed, we just react like we have been doing in the past, you see. So irritation would arise, let's see, anger may arise and we keep repeating this pattern of a specific reaction, on and on and on. And what spiritual inquiry is about, what sincerely following a Master's teaching is about, is looking at these patterns, looking at our past behavior, why we do the things we do, why we say the things we say. And so this actually is really beautiful because any moment that we face brings forth, either a reaction or a response. You see, now let's go a bit deeper into it. All our reactions are based on our past conditioning- who we think we are how life has shaped us, you see. So supposing someone irritates us, that irritation is a reaction and that reaction is appearing within us. It really has nothing to do with the other person. You see, we think that someone says something, and I get irritated. But the fact is that person is just a trigger. This irritation is deep within oneself, you know, and it is waiting to come out. So in effect, we should be thankful for someone who irritates us, because they are giving us an opportunity for us to look at this reaction within us. You see, so let's say that a reaction happens in unawareness. It's like a knee jerk reaction. Something happens and I react, something else happens and I react and then life goes on and on in this mode of reactivity. So it is a life lived in unawareness. Hmm. Now, a response has a different quality and a different energy to it. You'll see that is an important distinction between a reaction and a response. A response is not knee jerk. It is not based on this accumulation of past conditioning and who I think I am and what the world has done to me. That is why we find that a sage will respond. The ordinary person reacts. You see, the sage is open to what the next moment brings which includes what someone may tell the sage. Okay? But the sage's response is not based on a doership, 'Someone is doing this to me'. He is viewing the person as an expression of consciousness and maybe the person says something, which the sage may not like, but the sage is not carrying this baggage, we are, this load of conditioning, hardwired conditioning. The sage accepts that whatever the person says they are entitled to say it is their right, whether or not we take delivery of it is up to us. Yes. You see. So, in that sense, you can already see the difference between a sage, a sage's response and an ordinary person's reaction. So, it is just this acceptance if we go back to the teachings. Supposing, we look at one line where Baba says see the Divine, see God in all, as simple as that. If we just live that sentence, what happens, we accept that the person in front of us is equally an expression of God just as I am. So, that fight is not already taking place, you see. We have not set ourselves up in opposition to the other and so we react. That is gone. I accept that the other person's view is based on their conditioning, their nature, just like mine. If this acceptance is total, if Baba's words are truly imbibed, I will respond to the situation because there will be no animosity, there will be no negativity in the energy, there will be no targeting an individual with my guns, you know, saying that I'll get back to you, you see all that drops away. And so, this whole action reaction loop which the ordinary person gets stuck in. You know, you can see couples arguing or two people arguing. It's like a tennis match. It just goes on and on and on and on. And that is what perpetuates the ego. I am right and the other person says I am right you are wrong and this keeps going on I am right I am right I am right I am right. Nobody is right and nobody is wrong. When we live this, our life becomes more an expression of a response to life. A response to what the next moment may bring, pleasure or pain, a response to whether someone comes in front of us who we may or may not like yet we find there is equanimity, there is an understanding and therefore, the flavor of our response or even our reaction undergoes a tremendous change in our approach to life. So Gautam, can we take an example here. Mhm. Say if someone works in an office and they are not given their due respect if they have say completed a task which was rather big, someone else takes the credit. Now, if they have a reaction arise, unconsciously, one thing that comes to mind is to begin to watch the reaction. See, it will have an emotional response, it will have a physical response and you will have a thought or mental response which then pours out and what we will label as a reaction. Right. If a devotee is sincere, and they do this as a practice and they start watching it, so you almost nip it in the bud so to speak, that awareness would help. Yes, it will certainly help there's no question of it and that is what I refer to as witnessing. So even if let's say I felt I did a great job and I am not acknowledged and I feel a sense of maybe resentment or I feel unappreciated, even that feeling is witnessed. It is not judged that I should not be feeling this you see, because that is the ego coming in through the backdoor. Correct. So whatever arises in the moment, supposing it is this feeling of being unappreciated, even that is witnessed. You see what witnessing does is it creates a gap between what I am feeling and who I truly am. Witnessing creates the separation, where I'm able to watch what goes on within me. Now what happens, it is witnessed that I am feeling unappreciated. This does not mean I bury it under the carpet, there are two things I could possibly do. One is I can accept that 'Okay, I am unappreciated and I feel so. And that is how it is'. The other is I may feel that, since I've witnessed this feeling of not being appreciated, I'd like to talk to my senior. I'd like to explain to him or her that 'Look, this is how the situation is and this is how I view it', you see and put one's cards on the table, so to speak. The difference is that in both cases, it is a response. Yes, it is not a situation where I storm into my seniors cabin and say 'How dare you not appreciate me. Who do you think you are? I have done so much work. And this is happening to me. I don't deserve this'. You see, that is the dialogue of reactive mind based on doership. That is what I mean when I say the quality of our life starts changing. You see because there is an acceptance of one's nature. And there is an acceptance that even if I am moved to raise this point, the way it is done is in a more compassionate equanimous way where I put my point across because perhaps there is a misunderstanding, perhaps, you know, the senior has not realized my crucial role in this. And my colleague has taken the spotlight away or whatever it be. The way I approach it changes. My attitude to what has happened where I feel unappreciated, that attitude has got transformed thanks to the teaching. So I start living my life with a change in attitude. You see, we all will face situations. So like you mentioned feeling unappreciated, it is not that that situation will stop. But how do I deal with it? What is my attitude to it based on how deeply I have imbibed the teachings. You see, because teachings are meant to be lived. They are not meant to be read in the book, let's say the Sai Satcharita and get by the bedside and then there's no application and daily living. So coming back to this, I am so happy to you know, to see that traits of the ego. There are such beautiful comments, which shows that people are wanting to explore this troublemaker, this ego which takes away one's peace of mind, you see. Yes. That is how beautiful this teaching is. You know, just coming back to the Satcharita. See when Baba said if someone asks you for money, and you don't want to give said no don't bark like a dog. Right? Yes. Even there, that is an example of reaction and response. He's teaching us that. Absolutely where money is used as an example. So if for example between a husband and a wife say one person has a tendency to provoke and one has a tendency to get provoked, say the person who is on the receiving end doesn't play along and you know, consciously responds, then slowly, you know, as they say, Tali Ek Haath Se Nahi Bajta. Exactly. You see and also, Nik, there's a very important point here that like you said, it you know, it takes two people to play a tennis match, right. So, in any situation of conflict, if one person is the witnessing presence and is not in this mode of reactivity, the tennis match cannot be played. Correct. So, it also doesn't take both people in in the situation to have a certain understanding or awakening. Even one person having it is enough. Absolutely right that acceptance is there, but that does not mean you get walked over. Every individual has to decide for themselves that till what point am I okay to take this behavior or this tirade, etc. The individual has to take a decision 'Do I subject myself to what is coming at me from the other person? Do I subject myself to that indefinitely or I share my point of view and I see if there is a transformation in the equation and if not, and if I find it unbearable, then I walk away from the situation.' This depends on one's nature and one's conditioning. Some people may not feel they are capable of walking away, you see, especially those who are timid or shy that is their nature. But to clarify, this teaching does not mean that one becomes a doormat. Correct. It means that people are accepted. Thereafter, as Krishna says in the Gita, do precisely that which you think and feel you should do. So, this is an important point to consider. Gautam, one other aspect of the ego specific even to reaction and response is the incessant thinking, unconscious thinking that people go through. See, I don't think this is very widely discussed in the Baba circle but in the normal case of a person that is not a Sadhak, the mind, see whether it is what you differentiate as the thinking mind or the working mind, but generally, if the mind is left alone, it is going in circles, it is safe to say that for most people Gautam? Yes, it is because it is the unaware mind lost in the dream of thinking. Correct. So now coming to this, I do feel if devotees also take this as a practice to watch the mind, see, even before an event happens that before they are in a situation of reaction or response, that the likelihood of you being more responsive in life really depends on how much gaps you have in your mind. Yes, and so sure, it said, you know, hell is not a place, hell means to not be aware. Because what happens when we are not aware Nik, is we create hell for ourselves and we create hell for others, you see, and to not be aware, means we are lost in the dream of the dead past, or an imaginary future, and more importantly, we are lost in this dream of condemnation, hatred, malice, jealousy, envy, blaming people for what we think they have done, blaming ourselves, and this is what is hell, because these thoughts are what perpetuate the mind, the thinking mind, it keeps going on and on and on and on, you know, like a ferris wheel going round and round and round, and it doesn't stop. What witnessing does, what we started this conversation with. Witnessing enables us to get off this ferris wheel of thinking, creates a gap. That is the beauty of it. And so to sum this up, like you said, you see the reaction one finds is either becoming less and less in one's life, and one is more responsive, or even if there's a reaction, because after all, we are products of our conditioning, ven if there's a reaction, it is a momentary reaction, it doesn't get perpetuated and extended in the duration of time into a long drawn out argument or, you know. Immediately the understanding, which is the greatest gift of the teaching kicks in. So let's say that reaction is just a pure biological reaction and it gets cut off thereafter, the load which the reaction was earlier carrying, it is no longer carrying. So either way, even if going forward the sincere seeker who is really working on themselves, going forward, they will find that either the reactions start turning to responses, or even if they are reactions, because we all human, the reactions don't carry that mother load of emotions like they used to earlier. I felt Gautam, can we go back to the first example. Say, I go into the shoes of the person in the office, and I have not got recognition and say you are the boss. So if I'm in a situation where something like this arises, with my nature, I would first ask, is this necessarily true? The first step, I mean, whatever information like I'm processing, I would first look into that, then one step I always put is like delay your communication. So your initial reaction to an email or you know, some confrontation, you can always say I will get back to you in an hour or so. Yes. And then you can enquire that is it true, you can just give it some time. And you know, if there is an emotional charge that has come up if someone specially is rude to you or has said something. Yes. It gives you time to sit with the sensations, watch it and then the chances of you responding, I fail are much higher than a straight off, you know, going and you can, as we said, you can always be assertive if, for example, you feel after, you know, looking into it deeply that yes, you know, something's not resonating with you, by all means even you can be assertive without reacting. Yes, in fact, you have recommended a wonderful practice because it reminds me of my younger days at work. You know, when I felt injustice was being done by a client, let's say who was questioning a bill, or who was rude to my colleagues, what I would do is I would immediately write out a mail, but I would not send it, I would send it the next morning. And before sending it, I would look at what is written, and I was so surprised that I would find words which I would not normally use. But now that I had looked at it with a fresh mind, not as a reactive mind the next morning, it allowed me the time to make changes, be more objective, be more neutral, and then send the mail. Okay. Yes. Now, this awareness had kicked in. Now let's go forward, let's say 5-10 years. Now what happens is, if a situation arises, because like I said, life is situations, a client may still be there who will say that you don't deserve to be paid or whatever. Right. Now, what happens I write a mail, and when I say I am referring to anyone now with the understanding. I write a mail, I don't send it. I wait for some time, I re-read my mail, and I feel nothing needs to be changed now. The way I wrote it the first time, it's fine. At that point, I know that the teaching has settled in deeply because even that first mail was the response and not a reaction. That is how one can see no? One can see one's own progress by the words one uses, whether verbally whether in in writing. It is when you look back and you say, 'My God, there is a transformation which has happened. Because I've stopped using certain terminology. I've stopped using certain words'. And then you know that yes, the teaching has been sinking in slowly and steadily. Yeah, and even Gautam, if people are emotive by nature, for example, if they are more emotional than mental, then they could look at slightly different pointers within themselves in terms of their feelings. They may not feel that emotionally upset or that anger or just, you know, someone who would otherwise have felt a great deal of emotion, that intensity would reduce. Yes, yes, very much, very much. You see, because it's extreme emotions, also, which take us away from our center. Yes. And this whole journey is the Journey to the Center. Gautam, the story you shared is also a very important one, because I felt when people have the noise in the head. See, most of it is repetitive garbage in most cases, people's thoughts. I mean, I think people would be ashamed if there were a loud speaker and it could play the contents of their mind on the street, everyone would get enlightened that very day. Because, the very nature of thought is assumptive and repetitive, just garbage Asking this question 'How do I know this is true for certain?', that question itself put space there and time. And as Baba says Sabar like you know, because our natural reaction is to react to anything. Yes. Without being patient. So Baba's teaching here, the gist is so important. If we have that Sabar, that patience, and we even question the integrity and the very foundation of that thought, or those string of thoughts, we may realize that either that thing doesn't matter or it may not actually be true. And then where is the question of even a response or a reaction? Yes. But I feel that has to be a constant practice. Because when a situation comes up, if you are not practicing regularly, it may have the power to pull you aside. True because you see, the new conditioning has to also get established in one's being. So that takes time sometimes because its overlaying the old patterns of conditioning, you see. Talking of that Gautam, here is one exception to this reaction and response rule. Uh huh. You know what it is? Uh huh. It's with humor. So when someone cracks a good joke, you must react and not respond like a sage there. True. Yeah. Apart from humor. Oh, that's a good one. Apart from humor, we must stay in the response containment zone so to speak. Yeah. Which actually shows that laughter is a natural process. Yes, absolutely. Yeah. That's that's actually quite beautiful that you raised that point. It's natural. It's a natural response. Yes. The reaction of the laughter, the natural response. Yes. So we leave it at that with some laughter. After a very serious talk. So thank you Gautam for your time as always. My pleasure, my pleasure. And thanks to everyone, thanks to your team who is doing such an amazing job. And I've seen that you all have now, I think you're at almost 80,000 subscribers, which is very commendable. And.. It's all the grace of Baba. Yes, yes. May it really spread far and wide. And I'm extremely happy that there's so much interest in this aspect, this aspect of Baba's teachings, you know, which is really being looked into with a lot of depth, understanding inquiry, and it's really, I'm sure Baba is thrilled to see that this is happening. He has a great sense of humor. So I'm sure He liked the last aspect of...yeah. I hope for the others as well. Wonderful Gautam. Okay. Thank you as always. Thank you Nik. Bye.

What is Living the Teachings of Sai Baba?

In Living the Teachings of Sai Baba, we interview spiritual teacher Gautam Sachdeva where he gives insights on how one can Live Baba's teachings and begin to feel peace of mind in their daily living.