WEBVTT

NOTE
This file was generated by Descript 

00:00:09.690 --> 00:00:13.110
Cailin: Welcome everyone to
Faith and Purpose podcast.

00:00:13.870 --> 00:00:19.050
Each episode of this podcast contains the
personal testimony of an ordinary person

00:00:19.069 --> 00:00:21.810
transformed by an extraordinary God.

00:00:22.480 --> 00:00:25.640
My name is Kaylin and I'm
here to introduce this podcast

00:00:25.650 --> 00:00:27.180
for my friend Jesse Duke.

00:00:27.790 --> 00:00:33.259
Jesse is a husband, father, author,
life recovery guide, lay counselor,

00:00:33.740 --> 00:00:37.820
and small group leader, but his
most important role is disciple.

00:00:38.260 --> 00:00:39.710
As a disciple of Jesus.

00:00:40.190 --> 00:00:44.280
Jesse created this podcast to help other
believers tell their faith stories.

00:00:44.830 --> 00:00:48.629
We'll be hearing the personal
testimonies of all sorts of people

00:00:48.629 --> 00:00:52.560
who have one thing in common,
Jesus has transformed their lives.

00:00:53.465 --> 00:00:57.555
Jesus used parables because he created
us to learn best through story.

00:00:57.985 --> 00:01:02.775
And as we listen to how God has worked
in others lives, we find encouragement

00:01:02.785 --> 00:01:05.075
and inspiration for our own faith walk.

00:01:05.564 --> 00:01:09.935
Whether you are already a believer or
just a curious seeker, we believe that

00:01:09.955 --> 00:01:14.244
as you listen to these stories, you will
be encouraged on your own faith journey.

00:01:14.544 --> 00:01:18.954
We are sure that God can speak to you
through one of these episodes and that you

00:01:18.954 --> 00:01:23.044
will see that our heavenly father truly
works all things together for our good.

00:01:23.380 --> 00:01:25.290
When we simply love and trust him.

00:01:25.990 --> 00:01:29.360
If you are currently going through a
trial, we believe that you will come

00:01:29.360 --> 00:01:34.150
to see that your troubles, heartbreaks,
and failures are not gravestones, but

00:01:34.180 --> 00:01:36.750
stepping stones into new life in Christ.

00:01:37.180 --> 00:01:39.170
Here's Jesse with today's guest.

00:01:50.785 --> 00:01:54.627
Andrea: Welcome everybody to
Faith and Purpose Podcast.

00:01:54.827 --> 00:01:59.457
Today I have my friend Andrea Sinclair
who's here to share her story and

00:01:59.457 --> 00:02:01.027
I'm really looking forward to it.

00:02:01.377 --> 00:02:02.557
How you doing Andrea?

00:02:03.257 --> 00:02:04.467
Jesse: Doing just great, Jesse.

00:02:04.477 --> 00:02:04.937
Thank you.

00:02:04.937 --> 00:02:06.437
What an honor to be here.

00:02:06.447 --> 00:02:10.537
Thank you for asking, , and putting this
together so we can share about Jesus.

00:02:11.557 --> 00:02:14.847
Andrea: Well I'm going to give you
all the time you need to tell us

00:02:15.057 --> 00:02:18.640
what you got to share about the
Lord and I look forward to it.

00:02:18.650 --> 00:02:20.170
So Tell us how it started.

00:02:20.170 --> 00:02:31.060
So

00:02:31.980 --> 00:02:34.470
, Jesse: with parents that
were both preacher kids.

00:02:34.980 --> 00:02:38.760
So both of my grandfathers were
Southern Baptist ministers.

00:02:39.530 --> 00:02:47.600
And so very early on, I was
introduced to church and the Bible.

00:02:47.960 --> 00:02:50.210
and following the Lord.

00:02:50.720 --> 00:02:56.340
, and it was really, , kind of, , the
thing that it, when I look back, not

00:02:56.340 --> 00:03:01.800
at the time, but when I look back,
is the very thing that kept me from

00:03:01.820 --> 00:03:06.980
probably going down many additional
roads, , beyond the roads that I went

00:03:06.980 --> 00:03:11.080
down to try and find something that
would satisfy the way that the Lord does.

00:03:11.830 --> 00:03:19.780
So, being the firstborn came with this
self assigned protector, gene that

00:03:19.830 --> 00:03:23.210
is, is, was true in my blood anyway.

00:03:23.530 --> 00:03:28.000
, so it was my job to make sure that my
siblings were always taken good care of.

00:03:28.000 --> 00:03:32.635
It was my job to make sure
that, My parents were doing what

00:03:32.635 --> 00:03:34.185
they were supposed to be doing.

00:03:34.195 --> 00:03:38.405
It was my job to make sure
that, , everything stayed, , even

00:03:38.405 --> 00:03:42.645
tempered, , all self assigned
at a very, very, very young age.

00:03:43.825 --> 00:03:49.075
So my identity was rooted in
that, , from probably as far

00:03:49.075 --> 00:03:51.225
back as five or six years old.

00:03:51.705 --> 00:03:54.985
You know, anytime something went
on with my brother, it was, it

00:03:54.985 --> 00:03:56.785
was my job, not my mother's.

00:03:58.105 --> 00:04:03.495
Anytime my mother was suffering, it
was my job, not hers or the Lord's.

00:04:03.595 --> 00:04:09.205
So there was a lot of discovery
around that, that, , would then add

00:04:09.215 --> 00:04:14.635
to some things that, that came in
later on, but, , had a younger brother

00:04:14.645 --> 00:04:21.655
and a younger sister, and we lived
a life that on the outside appeared

00:04:21.665 --> 00:04:24.165
to be pretty put together, , with.

00:04:25.405 --> 00:04:31.365
My parents being musicians, they always
had a, what we'd call a secular job,

00:04:31.805 --> 00:04:36.255
and then they had a church job because
typically they were building something

00:04:36.285 --> 00:04:41.295
like an arts program or an opera
company or something of that nature

00:04:41.305 --> 00:04:46.165
that they would need to supplement
their income around with church work.

00:04:46.675 --> 00:04:48.335
So we spent.

00:04:48.975 --> 00:04:54.665
Mondays, Wednesdays,
Sundays all day in church.

00:04:55.155 --> 00:05:01.485
So, my resentment as a child
for the church came in early.

00:05:01.935 --> 00:05:05.575
, most certainly because, you know,
kids want to be out doing fun things

00:05:05.575 --> 00:05:09.865
and, and, , we, we kind of saw
that as a little bit of punishment.

00:05:10.505 --> 00:05:13.805
, regularly until we were doing
something fun like going to camp

00:05:13.805 --> 00:05:14.935
or something of that nature.

00:05:14.955 --> 00:05:19.785
But, , like I said, on the outside,
we looked like an ideal family, but

00:05:19.785 --> 00:05:23.955
on the inside, there was a lot of
suffering that that would go on.

00:05:23.965 --> 00:05:25.305
My father suffered from.

00:05:25.810 --> 00:05:26.840
Mental illness.

00:05:27.597 --> 00:05:34.967
, Early on, right after I was born, , my
mother and father, , were in a

00:05:35.027 --> 00:05:39.637
situation where he was in a new job
with some new pressure and it was

00:05:39.637 --> 00:05:43.347
a little much for him to handle and
he ended up in a mental hospital.

00:05:44.552 --> 00:05:50.142
And when that happened, , the
family would, you know, each time

00:05:50.142 --> 00:05:54.272
this would happen, they would sweep
in and see what needed to happen

00:05:54.272 --> 00:05:57.092
to take care of my mom and me.

00:05:57.092 --> 00:06:00.932
And then when my brother came along,
my sister came along and get things

00:06:00.932 --> 00:06:05.372
tidied up and looking okay again, and
then they would, off they would go.

00:06:06.022 --> 00:06:12.112
, but in this instance, it was, , my
mother recounts that if they had stuck

00:06:12.112 --> 00:06:16.922
with the diagnosis given to him that
first time right after I was born when

00:06:16.922 --> 00:06:22.812
he was in the mental institution where
the doctor said to my mother, Mrs.

00:06:22.812 --> 00:06:26.382
Sinclair, your husband is
a paranoid schizophrenic.

00:06:27.672 --> 00:06:32.832
And if I were you, I would take that
baby and go as far away as possible.

00:06:33.517 --> 00:06:40.777
So, that was not in the minds of my
father's parents, of course, but it was

00:06:40.777 --> 00:06:46.377
in the minds of my mother's parents, and
they, , my mother also tells the story of

00:06:47.337 --> 00:06:54.877
hearing that information and then hearing
his father, my dad's father, pretty much

00:06:54.877 --> 00:07:00.057
talk them into giving him a depression
label instead of a schizophrenia label.

00:07:00.872 --> 00:07:07.182
And then having, , his parents say,
Anne Harrod, we'll make sure this works.

00:07:07.182 --> 00:07:08.542
We'll get him the help he needs.

00:07:08.912 --> 00:07:13.252
And her parents saying, you need to pack
up and do what the other doctor said.

00:07:14.322 --> 00:07:20.032
To the degree that my mother tells
the story of bearing all of that.

00:07:20.182 --> 00:07:22.262
She has a husband and a new baby.

00:07:22.942 --> 00:07:29.142
and a very abusive father who literally
beat her in her own home and told her

00:07:29.142 --> 00:07:34.992
she was going to leave him and that
there was no choice in the matter.

00:07:36.232 --> 00:07:42.315
But my mother said, well, the
Bible says that we're married

00:07:42.662 --> 00:07:44.372
and what God has joined together.

00:07:44.995 --> 00:07:48.065
And what he talked about
was being unequally yoked.

00:07:48.325 --> 00:07:51.905
So that was a discussion
that I would hear play out.

00:07:52.670 --> 00:07:56.360
On the phone in person, that
kind of thing, pretty much for

00:07:56.360 --> 00:08:00.660
the rest of my young adult life,
it was, it was always mentioned,

00:08:01.430 --> 00:08:03.220
but my mother had the conviction.

00:08:03.230 --> 00:08:08.870
She is one of those that is very much
a rule follower, very much, , grew up

00:08:08.900 --> 00:08:15.410
in the Calvinist, , type of environment
and was buying into, this is what

00:08:16.090 --> 00:08:19.970
the Lord says about marriage and I
can't leave my husband, he is sick.

00:08:20.835 --> 00:08:27.439
So, after that, , there would be numerous
occasions where he would end up back in

00:08:27.439 --> 00:08:34.379
a mental institution, or he would end up
in prison, or he would end up, , running

00:08:34.379 --> 00:08:38.089
away, basically, and we wouldn't hear
from him, and then we'd get a call that

00:08:38.089 --> 00:08:44.059
he was, you know, In New York City and he
lost time again and that kind of thing.

00:08:44.069 --> 00:08:53.598
So, his illness became more and more
difficult to hide once things like

00:08:53.668 --> 00:08:58.615
the news and newspapers and more
visibility became a part of their world.

00:08:59.685 --> 00:09:09.530
So, , in my young teen, , life, I would
say 11 or 12 years old, I remember coming

00:09:09.530 --> 00:09:14.230
home from school and, , I would always
cheat a little bit and watch TV and then

00:09:14.230 --> 00:09:19.700
do my homework, , but, , I turned the
TV on and they had all these, they would

00:09:19.710 --> 00:09:22.950
have these little commercials that would
say, , you know, here's what's on the

00:09:22.950 --> 00:09:25.470
news at six and they give you a blurb.

00:09:25.980 --> 00:09:27.930
And I see my dad being arrested.

00:09:28.470 --> 00:09:32.340
In a bank down on Grandin Road, which
is like five minutes from our house.

00:09:32.380 --> 00:09:34.730
And I'm like, Oh, that's
why mom's not here.

00:09:34.730 --> 00:09:35.970
What in the world is going on?

00:09:36.020 --> 00:09:39.880
There was a note from her saying,
I'll be back, which never happened.

00:09:39.880 --> 00:09:41.300
She taught music in our home.

00:09:41.300 --> 00:09:43.640
So she was always at home
when we came home from school.

00:09:44.210 --> 00:09:51.260
So that type of activity, when it started
to play out in the news, , layered

00:09:51.260 --> 00:09:56.370
in to me more of this, I've got to
be able to control my environment.

00:09:56.990 --> 00:10:00.470
Somehow, some way, what
can I do to do that?

00:10:00.680 --> 00:10:04.300
So I very much was a
self starter early on.

00:10:04.300 --> 00:10:05.830
I had a newspaper route.

00:10:06.110 --> 00:10:10.410
I made sure my brother had a
newspaper route because with those

00:10:10.410 --> 00:10:15.610
repercussions legally with my dad, , we
always had help from the church.

00:10:16.190 --> 00:10:19.420
, people were always very kind
and my mother was always.

00:10:20.065 --> 00:10:23.985
a very hard worker, but
there would still be lack.

00:10:24.535 --> 00:10:28.845
When you're, when, when, when you've got
legal bill, bills and all those things,

00:10:28.845 --> 00:10:30.235
everyone knows that's very costly.

00:10:30.285 --> 00:10:34.605
So, , anyway, , we became pretty
self sufficient, , early on.

00:10:35.125 --> 00:10:39.825
And made our own little bit of money
to keep ourselves, , sustained.

00:10:40.345 --> 00:10:45.605
And with that type of thing
came exploration around other

00:10:45.605 --> 00:10:47.715
things to remedy the craziness.

00:10:47.895 --> 00:10:55.855
, so, I found alcohol at a very early age
and learned that that gave me not only

00:10:55.929 --> 00:11:02.369
this feeling inside of freedom, but it
appeared to give me a lot more freedom on

00:11:02.369 --> 00:11:05.109
the outside where my peers were concerned.

00:11:05.819 --> 00:11:11.999
Because if I could Arrange for alcohol
to be found somewhere and gather it.

00:11:12.219 --> 00:11:14.559
Then that meant more
people were around me.

00:11:14.559 --> 00:11:17.979
I had more friendships and I
became the life of the party.

00:11:17.989 --> 00:11:23.019
You know, I've always had a
lean towards humor, , even in

00:11:23.019 --> 00:11:24.819
the most dire of circumstances.

00:11:25.319 --> 00:11:30.239
And so I would use that to build
that camaraderie, but with that.

00:11:30.769 --> 00:11:34.709
came the realization that something was
a little bit different about me inside.

00:11:35.329 --> 00:11:40.109
, I would notice things like, I
wonder why that person can say,

00:11:40.589 --> 00:11:41.669
Oh, I don't want any more of that.

00:11:42.699 --> 00:11:47.739
I'm not gonna, I mean, and I never,
I typically didn't say that until

00:11:47.739 --> 00:11:49.569
it was way too late, you know?

00:11:49.709 --> 00:11:55.679
So, , so that became, I had early
repercussions of, , with my drinking

00:11:55.689 --> 00:11:58.714
and so I was like, okay, I've got a
little I've got to learn how to keep

00:11:58.764 --> 00:12:02.974
that under control while I'm controlling
all these other things around me

00:12:03.424 --> 00:12:06.104
and, or seemingly to control them.

00:12:06.104 --> 00:12:11.184
And it just, the more that went on, the
more out of control it would become.

00:12:12.244 --> 00:12:18.904
So I had little scrapes, , and
then some big scrapes, but finally.

00:12:19.339 --> 00:12:24.139
, through prompting from, , , my
mother's brother who was vital in

00:12:24.139 --> 00:12:26.809
my upbringing as a father figure.

00:12:27.239 --> 00:12:32.369
, he said, Hey, why don't you, why don't
you move to Atlanta, , move close to

00:12:32.369 --> 00:12:37.969
us and, and, and let's let everything
calm down, , and see what you can do.

00:12:37.979 --> 00:12:41.189
We've got a house that you can
live in and, , your granny's

00:12:41.209 --> 00:12:42.619
there and it'll be helpful.

00:12:43.454 --> 00:12:50.324
So I picked up and did, did the whole move
from my hometown at an early age and I

00:12:50.434 --> 00:12:53.564
Andrea: this, this was
after high school, or?

00:12:53.854 --> 00:12:54.554
Jesse: after high school.

00:12:54.554 --> 00:12:56.884
I left, I graduated from high school.

00:12:56.884 --> 00:13:02.004
I left home when I was, I had just
turned 17 and lived with my best friend

00:13:02.484 --> 00:13:09.459
and, I was constantly putting my mother
in a, in a situation where she would

00:13:09.459 --> 00:13:14.149
need to make a decision, either my dad
stayed around or I stayed around, but

00:13:14.149 --> 00:13:20.289
the two could not coincide because it
was just, he, he wasn't reliable, he,

00:13:20.499 --> 00:13:26.559
he caused these problems and, and all of
this, so, , that type of, that type of,

00:13:27.999 --> 00:13:30.399
, pressure in the home became too much.

00:13:31.134 --> 00:13:36.234
And she took me up on the offer and, , and
said, well, then you're going to need to

00:13:36.234 --> 00:13:38.034
go because he's not going anywhere yet.

00:13:39.954 --> 00:13:41.854
and he had just gotten back from prison.

00:13:42.054 --> 00:13:47.164
We had just been through, you know, just,
there was a lot of humility in my mind

00:13:47.184 --> 00:13:52.114
to go in to see him on Sundays, people
from the church taking us to see him.

00:13:52.184 --> 00:13:55.534
And it was a high visibility
thing because of who they were.

00:13:56.104 --> 00:13:58.344
And so my pride and ego.

00:13:58.944 --> 00:14:04.796
Had started to play a factor in the
way I operated very early on  , the,

00:14:04.806 --> 00:14:09.086
the other, the other really interesting
thing is while all this was going

00:14:09.086 --> 00:14:13.586
on, and I found this to be true
current day, you know, when the, when

00:14:13.586 --> 00:14:17.406
a family is going through something
like this, there are always those.

00:14:17.996 --> 00:14:21.746
And I'm a crier, so I used to apologize
for that, but I don't anymore.

00:14:22.876 --> 00:14:25.706
, there are people in the
church that were so very kind.

00:14:26.696 --> 00:14:31.326
And they truly were the
handsome feet of Christ.

00:14:31.696 --> 00:14:41.601
You know, there, it was a very comforting
thing, yet in my teenager mind, I felt

00:14:41.601 --> 00:14:47.711
like a charity case, you know, but there
were many instances, even with, as far as

00:14:47.711 --> 00:14:53.311
my mother was working, we wouldn't have
had a Christmas tree if some kind couple

00:14:53.311 --> 00:14:55.101
from the church hadn't given it to us.

00:14:55.261 --> 00:15:00.331
We wouldn't have had certain meals if
someone hadn't dropped off a turkey,

00:15:00.331 --> 00:15:05.631
you know, so that demonstration
along with, Superweek, which was the

00:15:05.671 --> 00:15:10.771
teenagers, , camp, , at Hargrave Military
Academy, someone paid for me to go.

00:15:11.161 --> 00:15:13.801
That was when I initially
gave my life to the Lord.

00:15:13.801 --> 00:15:17.211
That would have never happened
had someone not done that.

00:15:17.741 --> 00:15:23.791
So that was my first brush with
this is what it feels like in those

00:15:23.801 --> 00:15:25.621
few moments to really be free.

00:15:26.581 --> 00:15:28.481
And I definitely felt that.

00:15:28.531 --> 00:15:30.651
I remember what I was wearing.

00:15:31.091 --> 00:15:36.091
I remember where I was standing and I
remember how I felt when I walked down.

00:15:36.111 --> 00:15:44.126
So it was very powerful, but, but, you
know, With Not having a bookend, so to

00:15:44.126 --> 00:15:51.016
speak, of someone to partner up with and
say, here's what it looks like to continue

00:15:51.016 --> 00:15:53.656
to walk, which wasn't necessarily there.

00:15:54.096 --> 00:15:56.156
It became, okay, now what do I do?

00:15:56.156 --> 00:15:58.846
I just listen to these sermons,
but I don't understand what's

00:15:58.846 --> 00:16:00.266
happening and all those things.

00:16:00.296 --> 00:16:02.986
And why do bad things keep happening?

00:16:02.986 --> 00:16:04.206
This doesn't make sense.

00:16:04.206 --> 00:16:08.526
If he's as good as they say
he is, what's going on here?

00:16:08.981 --> 00:16:13.401
So, that level of defiance
started, started kicking in

00:16:13.411 --> 00:16:15.191
pretty, pretty full speed ahead.

00:16:15.863 --> 00:16:21.293
anyway, my, my grandmother, who was
very instrumental in my life, , wrote

00:16:21.293 --> 00:16:27.193
me letters on a regular basis and, and
she, in her own, even though it was

00:16:27.303 --> 00:16:34.683
very legalistic in her approach and the
Calvinist mindset, in her best of her

00:16:34.803 --> 00:16:38.033
heart, she just wanted me to know Jesus.

00:16:38.728 --> 00:16:47.508
So, I know that that was her objective,
but there were, there were tones

00:16:47.598 --> 00:16:53.428
of a punishing God for the things
that I was doing that started to

00:16:53.448 --> 00:16:58.078
read through in her letters and
in the way she would talk to me.

00:16:58.618 --> 00:17:02.998
And that would only kick
this level of defiance in me.

00:17:03.583 --> 00:17:09.493
Up one more notch because then it
became, well, how dare you tell me,

00:17:09.523 --> 00:17:14.173
you know, it's just that, that type
of thing goes on with a lot of folks.

00:17:14.173 --> 00:17:18.493
I know, I know I'm not alone, but
it just kind of feeds on itself.

00:17:18.493 --> 00:17:26.043
So with all of that, , one of the largest
points of contention once I moved to

00:17:26.383 --> 00:17:34.548
Atlanta They knew that I was living a
homosexual lifestyle and it was in their

00:17:34.548 --> 00:17:41.018
mind that they could in some way change
me from what was going on and reorder

00:17:41.028 --> 00:17:42.648
all of that and everything would be fine.

00:17:43.838 --> 00:17:47.988
But what we know is the Lord is
the only one that can do that

00:17:48.368 --> 00:17:50.368
and he has done that in my life.

00:17:50.818 --> 00:17:51.208
Andrea: Mm hmm.

00:17:51.388 --> 00:17:56.838
Jesse: But at that time, again,
there was this identity crisis.

00:17:57.403 --> 00:18:01.893
You know, people around saying, here's
how you should be instead of saying,

00:18:02.113 --> 00:18:04.343
here's how God designed you to be.

00:18:05.133 --> 00:18:11.093
Let's think about what is
feeding your mind around alcohol,

00:18:11.393 --> 00:18:14.243
drugs, homosexual behaviors.

00:18:14.918 --> 00:18:16.228
, sexual promiscuity.

00:18:16.448 --> 00:18:20.768
Let's think about what's feeding
all of that, because it's the lack

00:18:20.768 --> 00:18:23.408
of identity in Jesus that we know.

00:18:24.038 --> 00:18:28.848
that doesn't make me a victim, it
just makes me someone who, that

00:18:28.848 --> 00:18:32.608
was my experience with people
around me not necessarily knowing

00:18:32.618 --> 00:18:34.288
how to talk about those things.

00:18:34.658 --> 00:18:35.158
Andrea: Right.

00:18:35.573 --> 00:18:39.223
Jesse: Current day, I think that
there is, there is more openness

00:18:39.253 --> 00:18:40.683
to speaking about those things.

00:18:40.683 --> 00:18:44.733
And you can literally walk people through
scripture and say, honey, here, here's

00:18:44.733 --> 00:18:46.803
where this might've gotten off track.

00:18:47.248 --> 00:18:47.758
Andrea: Mm hmm.

00:18:47.873 --> 00:18:51.373
Jesse: and you may have thought just
from this, this, and this, that,

00:18:51.433 --> 00:18:56.678
that that's what this means, but, but
here's who you are seated in Christ.

00:18:56.878 --> 00:19:02.918
So, anyway, the level of defiance grew,
, one, one of the regrets that I have is

00:19:02.918 --> 00:19:09.618
that when my grandmother passed away, , we
were not on the best of terms, , but now

00:19:09.728 --> 00:19:14.300
I talk to her, you know, and, and, and
I know that she's with our, our heavenly

00:19:14.300 --> 00:19:19.185
father and, and I'm able to say things
like, I know you did your best, but

00:19:19.235 --> 00:19:23.075
look now, you know, at this beautiful,
beautiful thing that we can share.

00:19:23.545 --> 00:19:24.175
You're there.

00:19:24.175 --> 00:19:24.755
I'm here.

00:19:24.895 --> 00:19:26.005
I'll see you someday.

00:19:26.305 --> 00:19:27.985
And we'll all rejoice over it.

00:19:27.995 --> 00:19:34.458
So,  , but those, those years
in Atlanta were very formative.

00:19:35.608 --> 00:19:44.528
, I learned how to control, I say control,
but I learned how to manage at that

00:19:44.558 --> 00:19:46.858
point the drinking and the drugs.

00:19:47.498 --> 00:19:52.348
, and became like the weekend warrior
and would do my best with all of that.

00:19:52.978 --> 00:19:58.188
But then, , the idol of money set in
because my job started going very well.

00:19:58.628 --> 00:20:03.348
And there was an opportunity
to move up and on.

00:20:03.768 --> 00:20:07.388
And so I left there and
went to South Florida.

00:20:08.323 --> 00:20:12.203
And just in case any of the listers
aren't aware, South Florida in the

00:20:12.203 --> 00:20:17.573
90s, , was a place that, , everything
that you see in every movie is true.

00:20:18.423 --> 00:20:18.433
Andrea: hmm.

00:20:18.433 --> 00:20:19.463
Miami Vice.

00:20:20.153 --> 00:20:22.433
Jesse: I'm pretty sure I
experienced most of it.

00:20:22.763 --> 00:20:28.983
So, so, . The thing is, I had money, I
had access, I had all of those things,

00:20:29.423 --> 00:20:35.313
but I would find myself over and over and
over again, just drawn at some point to

00:20:35.313 --> 00:20:40.913
my knees saying, God, if you are there,
if you are there, just help me, just

00:20:40.913 --> 00:20:43.023
help me not do this, help me not do that.

00:20:43.390 --> 00:20:47.000
Andrea: So, even while you were in
the midst of all the craziness, you

00:20:47.000 --> 00:20:51.230
were asking God to help you manage it.

00:20:51.532 --> 00:20:52.642
Jesse: Absolutely.

00:20:52.902 --> 00:20:53.942
Absolutely.

00:20:54.172 --> 00:20:58.162
Those, those, , what, what, , , I've
heard people call them foxhole prayers.

00:20:58.532 --> 00:21:02.342
They were so real for
me, , over and over again.

00:21:02.352 --> 00:21:05.242
So, , there were many years of that.

00:21:05.532 --> 00:21:11.682
And I, when I look back and, and
kind of look at those years from,

00:21:12.422 --> 00:21:16.992
from the early 90s until, , 2006.

00:21:17.497 --> 00:21:27.037
That, that span of time became, , just
managing through the next, , point of

00:21:27.167 --> 00:21:34.187
surrender in saying, okay, I'm, I'm,
I'm just not going to drink this week.

00:21:34.827 --> 00:21:35.277
Okay.

00:21:35.637 --> 00:21:36.927
I'm not going to do.

00:21:37.432 --> 00:21:39.712
I'm not going to do cocaine for a month.

00:21:40.342 --> 00:21:41.592
I need to save more money.

00:21:41.592 --> 00:21:45.692
I've just blown through
everything in my savings, my stock

00:21:45.692 --> 00:21:46.982
options, the whole nine yards.

00:21:46.982 --> 00:21:48.632
I'm selling stock in
order to feed my family.

00:21:48.662 --> 00:21:49.892
This has got to stop.

00:21:50.002 --> 00:21:50.912
I need some help.

00:21:50.942 --> 00:21:55.192
Oh, I'll check into this detox
and that'll help for this weekend.

00:21:56.242 --> 00:22:00.272
I moved all over the country and,
and, , went through that type

00:22:00.302 --> 00:22:02.762
cycle over and over and over again.

00:22:03.542 --> 00:22:10.222
And, , the final move , came to
Fernandina Beach from my hometown.

00:22:11.372 --> 00:22:16.202
, I kind of looked around and, and
I said, Hey mom, how about this?

00:22:16.382 --> 00:22:23.362
We'll go to Florida and you won't have
to put up with dads putting you through.

00:22:23.372 --> 00:22:25.852
Because they at that
time had, had divorced.

00:22:26.392 --> 00:22:32.892
Or they had separated, and my sister was
struggling with drugs and alcohol as well.

00:22:33.462 --> 00:22:37.192
And so being the great savior
that I am in everyone's life,

00:22:37.192 --> 00:22:38.522
I was like, Mom, just retire.

00:22:38.542 --> 00:22:40.592
You can come retire to Florida.

00:22:40.802 --> 00:22:42.102
You won't have to work so hard.

00:22:43.302 --> 00:22:49.642
So she, she tells that the Lord
was very clear with her and

00:22:49.642 --> 00:22:51.402
said, that is what you are to do.

00:22:51.762 --> 00:22:53.532
And she made the move.

00:22:54.577 --> 00:22:57.767
That was pretty much the beginning
of the end of, , all of my

00:22:57.767 --> 00:22:59.087
craziness with all of that.

00:23:00.407 --> 00:23:08.127
, we arrived in Fernandina in 2004,
and I moved here with, , a job that

00:23:08.157 --> 00:23:12.257
came with all the bells and whistles
and all the money of, or all the

00:23:12.297 --> 00:23:14.277
promise of more and more money.

00:23:15.107 --> 00:23:22.672
And I think I was probably, in position
maybe a month when I'd already identified

00:23:22.732 --> 00:23:27.842
who was doing what, where I could get
what, and I was off to the races again.

00:23:29.082 --> 00:23:35.272
At the same time, , my sister was
struggling with an opioid addiction.

00:23:35.302 --> 00:23:41.622
She was, , she was one of the, one of
the folks that experienced Oxycontin

00:23:42.352 --> 00:23:52.072
when it was being prescribed at a level
of, , I remember seeing a, a jar from the

00:23:52.072 --> 00:23:59.862
actual, , production line of Oxycontin
with her prescription tabbed over it.

00:24:00.412 --> 00:24:03.252
And it was, it was literally a huge,

00:24:04.642 --> 00:24:04.662
Andrea: Mm hmm.

00:24:05.222 --> 00:24:06.942
Jesse: It was just absolute insanity.

00:24:06.942 --> 00:24:13.062
She had had, , gastric bypass surgery and
to manage pain, they had prescribed that.

00:24:13.152 --> 00:24:17.947
And as a result, continued
on, , with that battle.

00:24:17.957 --> 00:24:21.657
So, , we were both, , definitely
in the throes of, of

00:24:21.987 --> 00:24:23.527
alcoholism and drug addiction.

00:24:24.107 --> 00:24:30.612
, she was married, , had a, , child and
my mom was just, you know, Working

00:24:30.612 --> 00:24:34.122
herself to death to keep my dad afloat
even though she was separated from him

00:24:34.122 --> 00:24:41.922
and then keep my sister's family afloat
financially and so this was a way to

00:24:42.052 --> 00:24:44.452
Quote rescue her from all of that.

00:24:44.592 --> 00:24:51.642
So Anyway, once once we got here, I
I started having problems early on My

00:24:51.642 --> 00:24:57.422
sister had big problems going on and
and because Hannah Needed to help her

00:24:57.422 --> 00:25:02.317
daughter , mom went back home, , to
Roanoke to be with her for a little

00:25:02.317 --> 00:25:04.817
bit and help out and left me alone.

00:25:05.957 --> 00:25:12.977
And that, , took me to a, a new level in
my, , drugging at that point and drinking.

00:25:13.727 --> 00:25:19.637
So, , I ended up injuring my
back pretty severely and, , I was

00:25:19.637 --> 00:25:23.737
here, , And she was there and I
didn't know very many people here.

00:25:23.737 --> 00:25:27.497
So I was literally paying employees
to help me out, , get me to doctor's

00:25:27.497 --> 00:25:28.807
appointments and that kind of thing.

00:25:28.807 --> 00:25:32.877
So I patched myself up a little bit, but.

00:25:33.612 --> 00:25:36.382
It was not enough to hang on to the job.

00:25:36.382 --> 00:25:38.702
So, , I eventually lost the job.

00:25:38.872 --> 00:25:42.832
, the partners that brought me
here were very kind and gracious

00:25:42.932 --> 00:25:46.842
and, , said basically, Andrew,
we, we can't do this and neither

00:25:46.852 --> 00:25:48.292
can you, you've got to get help.

00:25:49.282 --> 00:25:55.662
So my version of help was I'll go
to AA a little bit, I'll put a patch

00:25:55.662 --> 00:25:58.542
on it, but I've got to get myself
another job because I have all

00:25:58.542 --> 00:26:00.212
these responsibilities, you know.

00:26:01.252 --> 00:26:09.282
So I left Fernandina and I went to Tampa,
Florida, , to work as an operating partner

00:26:09.322 --> 00:26:16.097
for, , a company there and When I did
that, , I didn't have a place to live.

00:26:16.757 --> 00:26:20.397
I think I had maybe 300 that I had saved.

00:26:21.127 --> 00:26:30.087
So I was living in my car and in hotel
rooms and telling myself, this is,

00:26:30.087 --> 00:26:35.067
this is in my, my thinking, telling
myself that I could get on my feet.

00:26:35.927 --> 00:26:40.797
And then get an apartment, get
things going, that kind of thing.

00:26:41.747 --> 00:26:47.427
I actually had family in Tampa who, , I
called and they had a conversation

00:26:47.427 --> 00:26:52.137
with my mom and mom kind of told
them where I was and in my disease.

00:26:52.847 --> 00:26:57.767
And, , I asked if I could stay with
them and they, I'm so grateful to

00:26:57.767 --> 00:27:01.316
this day that they said no, because I
probably would have, you know, gone.

00:27:02.127 --> 00:27:06.187
No telling what I would have done to
them, you know, financially or whatever.

00:27:06.187 --> 00:27:12.487
So, so anyway, I, I finally did find
a place to stay through a friend

00:27:12.557 --> 00:27:15.367
and then everything seemed okay.

00:27:15.707 --> 00:27:18.457
, but, , fast forward a couple,
three months into the job.

00:27:19.417 --> 00:27:23.607
I identified an employee that looked
like he did the things that I enjoy.

00:27:24.347 --> 00:27:29.697
And I approached him and, and he said,
yeah, he said, , I can take care of you.

00:27:29.697 --> 00:27:32.867
And so I was off to the
races again with cocaine.

00:27:33.897 --> 00:27:39.327
, he, he came to me one day and
he said, look, , I can't keep

00:27:39.327 --> 00:27:41.057
up with what you're doing.

00:27:41.057 --> 00:27:42.587
So I'm going to introduce you to my guy.

00:27:43.297 --> 00:27:48.507
So, so he introduces me
to his guy and his guy is.

00:27:49.972 --> 00:27:54.092
And,, I end up running cocaine from,
, Tampa to Clearwater and Clearwater

00:27:54.092 --> 00:27:58.602
to Tampa because I'm working in Tampa
and living in Clearwater and keeping

00:27:58.602 --> 00:28:03.362
everything okay as far as that's
concerned, meaning I'm not owing thousands

00:28:03.362 --> 00:28:07.172
and thousands of dollars at the end of
the week because I'm able to do that.

00:28:07.392 --> 00:28:12.872
I'm able to run it back and forth
and, , , eventually that ran out.

00:28:14.022 --> 00:28:17.550
, Eventually, your drug, no matter
what it is, will always out you.

00:28:17.620 --> 00:28:19.140
It's been my experience.

00:28:19.150 --> 00:28:25.000
So, , I don't know why it was this
particular weekend other than the Lord

00:28:25.020 --> 00:28:27.390
was just lining up what needed to happen.

00:28:27.935 --> 00:28:32.205
You know, back when I was knit in my
mother's womb, he, he, he just knew

00:28:32.205 --> 00:28:34.955
this weekend, which is so beautiful.

00:28:35.315 --> 00:28:35.325
Andrea: hmm.

00:28:35.335 --> 00:28:35.815
Mm

00:28:35.845 --> 00:28:39.635
Jesse: But, , I started drinking
and, and at this point I was

00:28:39.635 --> 00:28:42.145
smoking cocaine or smoking crack.

00:28:42.335 --> 00:28:44.215
, white people say they smoke cocaine.

00:28:45.195 --> 00:28:46.125
They dress it up.

00:28:46.555 --> 00:28:47.695
I was smoking crack.

00:28:48.240 --> 00:28:49.280
Plain and simple.

00:28:49.920 --> 00:28:52.890
So, , anyway,, this was on a Thursday.

00:28:54.110 --> 00:29:00.200
And fast forward to Tuesday, I
called some people here in Fernandina

00:29:00.200 --> 00:29:04.810
and I said, I don't know why I
haven't died yet, but I'm not dead.

00:29:05.310 --> 00:29:06.980
And if I don't get help.

00:29:07.640 --> 00:29:10.430
I don't guess I'm gonna
die, but this is awful.

00:29:10.460 --> 00:29:11.070
I need help.

00:29:11.850 --> 00:29:20.930
So they, , were able to find a treatment
center, line everything up, called me

00:29:20.940 --> 00:29:23.400
back, said, Hey, can you get to Ocala?

00:29:23.410 --> 00:29:24.870
We'll come and get you there.

00:29:25.010 --> 00:29:26.080
I said, yes.

00:29:27.010 --> 00:29:28.830
, there was a man from a treatment center.

00:29:29.020 --> 00:29:32.140
I don't know what the name of the
treatment center is to this day, but he

00:29:32.140 --> 00:29:34.290
stayed on the phone with me for probably.

00:29:35.275 --> 00:29:38.015
I've got to say, at least two hours,

00:29:38.200 --> 00:29:38.260
Andrea: Mm.

00:29:38.805 --> 00:29:44.485
Jesse: just talking to me, just
talking to me about hanging in there

00:29:44.495 --> 00:29:48.925
and just getting there and they were
going to help and all these things.

00:29:49.565 --> 00:29:54.595
And so fast forward, I get to Ocala
to meet the friends from here who

00:29:54.595 --> 00:30:01.005
are helping me and they get a call
and they look at me in the backseat.

00:30:01.035 --> 00:30:03.825
I'm still drinking, still smoking crack.

00:30:04.520 --> 00:30:10.110
And they say, Andrea, you're not
going to that treatment center.

00:30:10.110 --> 00:30:11.120
I'm like, what?

00:30:11.650 --> 00:30:16.280
You've lost your job and you don't
have insurance and we have no idea

00:30:16.280 --> 00:30:17.427
what we're going to do with you.

00:30:17.427 --> 00:30:20.520
So I was like, Oh, great.

00:30:21.160 --> 00:30:22.850
You know, that type of attitude.

00:30:22.850 --> 00:30:26.370
And I was like, at that point
I was like, you know what?

00:30:26.410 --> 00:30:28.690
I just don't care anymore,
whatever, whatever.

00:30:29.230 --> 00:30:33.830
And I remember walking around
the backside of this tree.

00:30:33.830 --> 00:30:35.510
They had stopped at a convenience store.

00:30:36.250 --> 00:30:42.770
And then I was like, You know, I
really do want help, so I don't know

00:30:42.770 --> 00:30:46.470
how this is going to work out, but I
really don't want to do this anymore.

00:30:47.410 --> 00:30:51.520
And I think that that was a form of
a prayer, , because I got back in

00:30:51.520 --> 00:30:55.650
the car and they were like, we've
got a spot for you to go, but Andrea,

00:30:56.030 --> 00:30:59.070
it's not going to be anything like
what you've ever been through.

00:30:59.580 --> 00:31:01.110
So I was like, okay, I'm fine.

00:31:01.110 --> 00:31:01.680
That's good.

00:31:01.840 --> 00:31:05.590
I was all happy and,
, relieved at the same time.

00:31:05.590 --> 00:31:06.000
So.

00:31:06.385 --> 00:31:12.075
We pulled into Gateway down on Stockton
Street in Jacksonville, and I threw

00:31:12.075 --> 00:31:16.915
my crack pipe across the road, and
they walked me inside, and the door

00:31:16.915 --> 00:31:25.325
buzzed, and, , a very sweet woman at
the nurse's station said, Sit down.

00:31:25.735 --> 00:31:26.565
Let's talk.

00:31:27.835 --> 00:31:30.305
So, , everyone was very kind.

00:31:32.285 --> 00:31:37.175
, I was, , the, the detox situation around
that was pretty intense because the

00:31:37.175 --> 00:31:40.855
cocaine that I was smoking, the crack
that I was smoking was laced with heroin.

00:31:41.335 --> 00:31:41.555
Andrea: Mm

00:31:41.595 --> 00:31:48.065
Jesse: So I had alcohol, heroin, cocaine,
benzos, all these things, but the heroin

00:31:48.075 --> 00:31:51.155
took a little Longer to detox from

00:31:51.890 --> 00:31:51.920
Andrea: mm

00:31:51.925 --> 00:31:58.335
Jesse: and , so I was in the detox
center for 12 days I found out later

00:31:58.335 --> 00:32:04.235
that all of those those last few days
weren't necessary medically They were

00:32:04.235 --> 00:32:06.305
more necessary for a bed to open up

00:32:06.825 --> 00:32:07.045
Andrea: mm

00:32:07.075 --> 00:32:07.815
Jesse: next door.

00:32:08.045 --> 00:32:14.955
So for treatment, so a woman by the
name of Miss Virginia Thomas came

00:32:14.955 --> 00:32:19.235
and sat on the end of my bed while
I was in detox and And talk to me

00:32:19.235 --> 00:32:23.675
about the Lord and talk to me about
the program of Alcoholics Anonymous.

00:32:24.305 --> 00:32:24.525
Andrea: mm

00:32:24.755 --> 00:32:28.875
Jesse: And, , she, she would always
say to me, baby, there's the big

00:32:28.905 --> 00:32:31.445
book and there's the big, big book.

00:32:33.005 --> 00:32:35.255
So those are the two things you need.

00:32:35.265 --> 00:32:42.185
That's so, so, , I got over into treatment
and, , The first class that I went to

00:32:42.195 --> 00:32:47.655
was, , one that on a Tuesday that she,
, was in charge of and there were all

00:32:47.655 --> 00:32:49.215
these people waiting to speak to her.

00:32:49.215 --> 00:32:52.045
And she said, Hey, Hey,
Hey, and called me over.

00:32:52.045 --> 00:32:53.585
And she said, come here.

00:32:54.585 --> 00:32:56.785
And she looked at me and she
said, you're going to make it.

00:32:59.135 --> 00:33:02.405
And I saw God in her eyes.

00:33:02.935 --> 00:33:09.165
So from that moment forward, I had
that much belief that I was going

00:33:09.165 --> 00:33:13.585
to make it, and I knew that God
had said that to me through her.

00:33:14.065 --> 00:33:14.695
I knew that.

00:33:15.015 --> 00:33:16.105
I just knew that.

00:33:16.925 --> 00:33:21.105
So, that made everything else
around me a little less crazy,

00:33:21.105 --> 00:33:24.065
but it was a crazy experience.

00:33:24.985 --> 00:33:31.468
I was in, I was in a room with two
other women, and, I snored at that

00:33:31.468 --> 00:33:35.728
time and I woke up the first night
with a woman on top of me like

00:33:35.728 --> 00:33:37.448
shaking me going, you're snoring.

00:33:37.448 --> 00:33:38.128
You gotta stop.

00:33:38.248 --> 00:33:40.688
I'm like, Oh my gosh, this
woman's going to kill me.

00:33:41.718 --> 00:33:46.928
So just crazy living, but it
was exactly what I needed.

00:33:47.208 --> 00:33:50.758
, I found, , everyone was
so vital to my walk.

00:33:51.528 --> 00:33:55.408
, the hands and feet of Christ
that were within that facility.

00:33:55.753 --> 00:34:01.873
They were just amazing, , just
amazing when I think about that.

00:34:02.213 --> 00:34:06.373
The Lord appointed everyone
at that time, like it says in

00:34:06.373 --> 00:34:08.113
Esther, for such a time as this.

00:34:08.503 --> 00:34:10.533
It was just, it was just then.

00:34:11.243 --> 00:34:16.563
, the man that, the UPS driver that had
killed a child while drinking on the job,

00:34:17.183 --> 00:34:23.143
, made sure that I had socks because I
didn't have any socks, I just had sandals,

00:34:23.363 --> 00:34:25.233
and , he made sure I had a jacket.

00:34:26.313 --> 00:34:27.593
, just very kind.

00:34:27.633 --> 00:34:32.523
He helped me take notes because
my brain was just not It just

00:34:32.523 --> 00:34:36.723
had not reconnected to the point
where I could focus on anything.

00:34:37.973 --> 00:34:43.413
So, , I had, , some of the most
incredible experiences there and

00:34:43.413 --> 00:34:45.153
the Lord knew exactly what I needed.

00:34:45.153 --> 00:34:50.593
And, , by his grace, , I, this,
this year we'll celebrate 18

00:34:50.913 --> 00:34:53.703
years without a drink or a drug.

00:34:54.243 --> 00:34:57.353
, and, , so that's a complete gift.

00:34:58.598 --> 00:35:02.948
, Came out of, , treatment and my sister
and my niece and my mother picked me

00:35:02.948 --> 00:35:06.998
up and I didn't know that my sister
and niece had moved here to Fernandina.

00:35:07.738 --> 00:35:08.858
I was so excited.

00:35:09.628 --> 00:35:13.088
, she was, , on the right
track trying to be sober.

00:35:13.088 --> 00:35:16.258
We thought, and, , we found out
later that was not the case.

00:35:16.258 --> 00:35:18.278
She actually came here
with a lot of drugs.

00:35:19.128 --> 00:35:21.178
, but, but we did our best.

00:35:21.178 --> 00:35:23.218
My mom laid the law down.

00:35:23.658 --> 00:35:27.808
, and said the condition of being in
this household is that you go to two

00:35:27.808 --> 00:35:33.508
meetings a day and, , no drinking, no
drugging, and if you do, you're out.

00:35:34.008 --> 00:35:34.748
And that

00:35:34.883 --> 00:35:36.383
Andrea: mo your mother said this

00:35:36.568 --> 00:35:38.938
Jesse: my mother said
this, and that, that,

00:35:39.173 --> 00:35:42.088
Andrea: she was familiar
with recovery then, huh?

00:35:42.148 --> 00:35:46.738
Jesse: she, she was absolutely, she had,
, when I had attempted to get sober, this

00:35:46.738 --> 00:35:57.018
is funny, , when I attempted to get sober,
, we went to an AA meeting and she went

00:35:57.018 --> 00:36:04.108
with me and someone in the room said to
my mother, why don't you come back here?

00:36:04.878 --> 00:36:09.358
And they were talking about the Al Anon
and I was like, wait, where's she going?

00:36:09.488 --> 00:36:12.028
And they were like, no, you stay here.

00:36:12.298 --> 00:36:14.218
She's gonna go back there.

00:36:14.528 --> 00:36:21.298
So, so she got connected with one of those
Al Anon mamas that you know, or have black

00:36:21.308 --> 00:36:28.808
belts and and she she knew exactly what to
say So and it was exactly what we needed

00:36:28.808 --> 00:36:35.378
and and and we did for for a long while
, I, I stayed sober, , my, my sister really

00:36:35.378 --> 00:36:40.558
struggled and was in and out of treatment
in and out of situations that became

00:36:40.558 --> 00:36:47.218
pretty perilous, but, , fast forward,
I, I started putting things together.

00:36:47.533 --> 00:36:56.433
And, most importantly, I started
exhausting every other road but Jesus.

00:36:57.303 --> 00:37:01.253
So I explored Buddhism.

00:37:01.423 --> 00:37:05.823
I explored some kind of
yoga breathing thing.

00:37:06.183 --> 00:37:10.833
I explored, , Ram Dass and all
this open mind concept stuff.

00:37:10.863 --> 00:37:16.263
And in the meantime, I had Miss
Virginia with the big, big book.

00:37:16.718 --> 00:37:23.068
Talking to me, talking scripture
to me all along, and which I

00:37:23.068 --> 00:37:26.978
understand now is just seed planting.

00:37:28.108 --> 00:37:34.268
She, you know, the scriptures talk
about, I am, I am no quoter of scripture.

00:37:34.268 --> 00:37:38.008
I'm just learning the Bible
over the last few years, , and

00:37:38.008 --> 00:37:40.148
still, still just exploring.

00:37:40.448 --> 00:37:43.828
, but there's, there's scripture in
the Bible that talks about some

00:37:43.848 --> 00:37:49.088
people plant the seed, some people
water it, you know, and it goes on.

00:37:49.088 --> 00:37:53.158
Well, well, she cast seed
over and over and over again.

00:37:53.178 --> 00:37:57.998
I believe she, she did that knowing
that's what she was doing and

00:37:58.008 --> 00:38:00.718
for so many did that completely.

00:38:01.433 --> 00:38:05.383
of course, wanting us to be a part
of the kingdom, but at the same time,

00:38:05.383 --> 00:38:12.063
knowing that it was more important
for her to stand true to the Lord

00:38:12.063 --> 00:38:17.243
working through her to plant seed and
cast seed, , than anything that was

00:38:17.243 --> 00:38:18.353
more important than anything else.

00:38:18.353 --> 00:38:22.833
So that's, that's the role model I had,
, which I'm so grateful for at the time.

00:38:22.833 --> 00:38:28.423
Again, at the time I didn't
recognize it, but now I know so

00:38:28.423 --> 00:38:30.573
that when I run across people.

00:38:31.773 --> 00:38:36.183
It used to be that I wanted to be able
to plant the seed, water it, watch it,

00:38:36.203 --> 00:38:40.113
grow it, put grow lights on it, you
know, put some type of, , , fertilizer

00:38:40.113 --> 00:38:43.753
on it, keep it going, keep it growing,
keep it going, and then say, Oh,

00:38:43.823 --> 00:38:49.293
look, but, but now I know it's just,
you know, I, I just plant the seed.

00:38:49.383 --> 00:38:51.723
I just, I just plant the seed, that's all.

00:38:51.723 --> 00:38:57.303
So that demonstration was intense, but I
was exhausting all these other avenues.

00:38:57.308 --> 00:39:01.783
And, , so I'll fast forward to, , , 2016.

00:39:03.763 --> 00:39:07.608
, I, , I graduated from college in 2013.

00:39:09.338 --> 00:39:10.028
, All of the.

00:39:10.998 --> 00:39:15.478
Realizations around what I could
and couldn't do in my mind, , kind

00:39:15.478 --> 00:39:18.358
of led to, Hey, I've never been to
college, so I think I'll go to college.

00:39:18.568 --> 00:39:20.918
It's a great place for me
for three and a half years.

00:39:21.623 --> 00:39:26.173
I got two degrees, , and, , really
enjoyed being in school.

00:39:26.803 --> 00:39:32.513
, graduated in 2013 and then, , went
to work for an entrepreneur now down

00:39:32.513 --> 00:39:36.883
in Jacksonville and enjoyed, , some
tremendous success with that, with

00:39:36.883 --> 00:39:43.333
that family, but, , things were
really rocky with my sister and, , She

00:39:43.363 --> 00:39:46.143
and, , my niece and my mother.

00:39:46.863 --> 00:39:49.893
And myself were all
living, , in the same place.

00:39:50.663 --> 00:39:53.543
And I was, , doing the best that I could.

00:39:54.093 --> 00:39:58.163
, to contribute to the household
and, , keep things together.

00:39:58.923 --> 00:40:02.783
, but my sister was in and out and in and
out, you know, she would leave for periods

00:40:02.783 --> 00:40:04.233
of time and then she would come back.

00:40:04.233 --> 00:40:11.083
So it was becoming apparent that that
was going to continue to be a tremendous

00:40:11.083 --> 00:40:14.723
amount of upset around all of that
and, , and dealing with her daughter.

00:40:15.473 --> 00:40:20.153
So my focus became
damage control and still.

00:40:20.258 --> 00:40:24.018
, having people in my life saying,
Hey Andrea, you know, the ultimate

00:40:24.018 --> 00:40:26.188
solution is here in the Lord.

00:40:26.728 --> 00:40:30.388
, why don't you just, you know,
give this a try and, and cast

00:40:30.388 --> 00:40:31.408
your burden, so to speak.

00:40:31.408 --> 00:40:32.748
And I'm like, nah, I'm good over here.

00:40:32.748 --> 00:40:35.738
You know, I'm not good
with that guy right now.

00:40:35.798 --> 00:40:38.188
You know, I don't
understand what's going on.

00:40:38.188 --> 00:40:42.168
And, and this God, this God
thing, I just don't know about.

00:40:42.433 --> 00:40:50.233
So, I was in a state of rebellion,
and, , so, fast forward, , , she was

00:40:50.233 --> 00:40:54.073
at a point where, , once again, she
was coming and visiting with us on the

00:40:54.073 --> 00:40:59.303
weekends, and she came on this particular
weekend and, and spent it with us,

00:40:59.303 --> 00:41:05.524
and, , , with her daughter and, , that
was on, mom took her home on Sunday.

00:41:06.324 --> 00:41:11.214
And then on Tuesday night, , on Tuesday
night, we were eating dinner, me, my

00:41:11.214 --> 00:41:15.884
mom and Hannah, my sister's daughter,
and there was a knock on the door and

00:41:15.884 --> 00:41:18.994
I went and answered the door and there
were two, , Jacksonville Sheriff's

00:41:18.994 --> 00:41:21.364
Office detectives, homicide detectives.

00:41:22.379 --> 00:41:26.459
And they said, , they were doing death
notification and they basically said,

00:41:26.639 --> 00:41:31.259
, we're here to let you know that, , Mary
Tenette Sloan, , is the victim of a

00:41:31.259 --> 00:41:33.129
self inflicted gunshot to the head.

00:41:33.849 --> 00:41:38.679
And we're ruling this as a suicide
unless something comes back differently.

00:41:40.159 --> 00:41:45.979
So in the doorway with those two
detectives standing there and my mother

00:41:45.979 --> 00:41:50.399
and my niece literally falling to
their knees in that moment, it was not.

00:41:50.694 --> 00:41:54.804
Oh God help me, it was, I don't ever
want anything to do with this God

00:41:54.954 --> 00:41:59.314
ever again, hearing this behind me,
listening to what I just listened to.

00:41:59.869 --> 00:42:02.059
I don't want anything to do with this guy.

00:42:03.069 --> 00:42:07.799
So we talked through with
them what was going on.

00:42:08.909 --> 00:42:14.409
I made a couple of phone calls just to
get some help with my mom and my niece.

00:42:15.309 --> 00:42:20.439
, and dear friends of the family came
over to, to be with them while I, I

00:42:20.439 --> 00:42:21.899
just needed a break from all of it.

00:42:21.929 --> 00:42:24.509
Plus I'd been sick the few days prior.

00:42:25.009 --> 00:42:28.599
I later found out I'd had a heart attack
on Saturday night and didn't know it.

00:42:28.599 --> 00:42:30.219
It was very strange.

00:42:30.629 --> 00:42:31.049
Andrea: Wow.

00:42:31.164 --> 00:42:32.634
Jesse: But yeah, it's crazy.

00:42:33.054 --> 00:42:40.214
So anyway,  I went up to my place
And I was saying to this god.

00:42:40.214 --> 00:42:46.144
I was like, you know what I cannot
imagine that Anything that i've

00:42:46.144 --> 00:42:47.734
ever heard about your love is true.

00:42:49.044 --> 00:42:53.084
I don't ever I was screaming I don't
ever want anything to do with you again.

00:42:53.504 --> 00:42:57.454
I don't want anybody to ever say anything
to me about you again We're done.

00:42:57.674 --> 00:42:58.244
We are done.

00:42:58.344 --> 00:43:02.614
I'm grabbing things that I need And I
go down the steps, I lived in a little

00:43:02.624 --> 00:43:06.534
studio apartment behind my, the house
that mom and Hannah and my sister lived

00:43:06.534 --> 00:43:10.644
in and, , I came down the stairs and
went through the garage and came out,

00:43:11.104 --> 00:43:15.654
was getting ready to head out the door
and the friend of the family that had

00:43:15.654 --> 00:43:22.324
come over stopped me and he put his hands
on my shoulders, I'll never forget it.

00:43:22.374 --> 00:43:27.814
He said, Andrea, you're going to
want to turn away from God, you're

00:43:27.814 --> 00:43:28.974
going to want to run from him.

00:43:29.594 --> 00:43:30.394
Don't do it.

00:43:31.184 --> 00:43:31.944
Don't do it.

00:43:32.874 --> 00:43:34.034
And in that moment.

00:43:34.954 --> 00:43:36.304
I saw God in his eyes.

00:43:36.544 --> 00:43:42.584
I literally saw God in his eyes and
I could feel, what I know today to

00:43:42.594 --> 00:43:49.274
be the Holy Spirit, but I could feel
this ribbon of peace is the only way

00:43:49.274 --> 00:43:54.024
that I can describe that momentarily.

00:43:55.394 --> 00:43:58.784
Enough to know that I wasn't
completely closed off.

00:43:59.824 --> 00:44:03.004
At that point, that my heart
had not completely hardened.

00:44:03.774 --> 00:44:04.824
Thank you, Lord.

00:44:05.514 --> 00:44:06.404
Thank you, Lord.

00:44:07.744 --> 00:44:13.184
I am so grateful that in that moment that
a messenger came and did that because so

00:44:13.184 --> 00:44:19.614
many people, you know, I hear people that
have what would be perceived as a hardened

00:44:19.624 --> 00:44:23.814
heart, and it is literally heartbreaking.

00:44:24.189 --> 00:44:36.289
You know, so the next several years were
a walking back to who is this God that

00:44:36.319 --> 00:44:40.759
everyone seems to put so much reliance in.

00:44:42.431 --> 00:44:44.461
Who is he to me?

00:44:44.901 --> 00:44:45.841
Who is he to me?

00:44:45.851 --> 00:44:54.856
So, , I, I'd started listening to some
different pastors on YouTube, different

00:44:54.876 --> 00:45:02.206
podcasts, and open to the idea of God,
but I was still very much trapped in

00:45:02.216 --> 00:45:05.026
this God of religion, so to speak.

00:45:06.156 --> 00:45:11.806
So I, , I had not had an up close
and personal experience that

00:45:11.826 --> 00:45:14.096
I could say was tangible yet.

00:45:15.761 --> 00:45:20.701
But, , in the way, in his kind way, we
were talking about this earlier today

00:45:20.701 --> 00:45:26.471
with some friends, in his kind way of
stripping away the things that, that

00:45:26.531 --> 00:45:34.106
keep us, From being totally reliant on
him, things were being stripped away.

00:45:34.436 --> 00:45:36.706
The job was dying down.

00:45:37.146 --> 00:45:39.236
It was obviously going to be a change.

00:45:39.696 --> 00:45:45.246
My niece graduated from, from high
school and was going to be going to

00:45:45.246 --> 00:45:48.616
college and mom was pretty settled.

00:45:48.616 --> 00:45:54.446
We'd had a little bit of time between
the death of my sister and the, the

00:45:54.466 --> 00:45:57.696
daily, all of that was lessening.

00:45:58.296 --> 00:45:59.156
, so, but.

00:45:59.646 --> 00:46:05.816
At the same time, still did not
have, I didn't have clarity and I

00:46:05.826 --> 00:46:09.216
didn't have a full reliance on God.

00:46:10.126 --> 00:46:16.386
So then the things that when you strip
away the preoccupation with the job and

00:46:16.386 --> 00:46:23.576
money and doing things for other people
and, and staying in a whole mode of people

00:46:23.576 --> 00:46:28.546
pleasing to those around you because
you don't want anybody to hurt that

00:46:28.606 --> 00:46:31.066
when that starts to get stripped away.

00:46:31.496 --> 00:46:34.416
Then you're looking around saying,
I was looking around saying,

00:46:34.416 --> 00:46:35.936
well, I don't know what to do now.

00:46:36.386 --> 00:46:37.616
I don't know what's next.

00:46:37.816 --> 00:46:40.146
I don't, I don't have any clue.

00:46:40.956 --> 00:46:47.986
So that lead, that led me down the road
of, well, , nothing's really sparking,

00:46:48.006 --> 00:46:52.016
nothing's really coming to the surface
that I should be doing right now.

00:46:52.516 --> 00:46:56.396
, so that must mean that I'm
not doing something right.

00:46:57.086 --> 00:46:58.396
I'm probably not worth much.

00:46:58.656 --> 00:46:59.986
I'm probably pretty worthless.

00:47:00.511 --> 00:47:05.421
Maybe my sister had, maybe
she had the, the answer, maybe

00:47:05.421 --> 00:47:07.531
she knew something I don't.

00:47:08.541 --> 00:47:15.371
So those types of thoughts had
started to creep in and, , I really

00:47:15.371 --> 00:47:17.761
wasn't sure what to do with them.

00:47:17.781 --> 00:47:19.941
I knew not to talk to people about them.

00:47:20.411 --> 00:47:24.061
Because if I did that, it would
mean I would have to acknowledge

00:47:24.061 --> 00:47:27.601
that I'm not being as strong
as everyone thinks I'm being.

00:47:28.161 --> 00:47:28.471
Andrea: Mm.

00:47:28.731 --> 00:47:33.011
Jesse: So anyway, back to listening
to different pastors and such, I'm

00:47:33.021 --> 00:47:35.141
listening to something on my way to work.

00:47:35.701 --> 00:47:37.961
And I remember hearing, don't you give up?

00:47:37.991 --> 00:47:39.301
Don't you ever give up?

00:47:39.321 --> 00:47:40.231
Don't you ever give up?

00:47:40.231 --> 00:47:44.521
And I was like, you know
what, God, I want to give up.

00:47:44.691 --> 00:47:46.481
I want to give up right now.

00:47:46.491 --> 00:47:46.991
I want to give up.

00:47:47.021 --> 00:47:48.781
I'm like beating on the steering wheel.

00:47:48.831 --> 00:47:53.341
I'm like, if you're real, you've got
to make yourself clear to me right now.

00:47:53.371 --> 00:47:54.111
I'm done with this.

00:47:54.161 --> 00:47:55.181
I'm so over it.

00:47:56.066 --> 00:48:00.146
And I look up and there is a
billboard, literally a billboard

00:48:00.146 --> 00:48:02.156
that says the choice is clear.

00:48:04.156 --> 00:48:08.026
And right behind it is in
despair, Jesus is the answer.

00:48:08.606 --> 00:48:11.676
So it was one billboard,
then the next billboard.

00:48:12.336 --> 00:48:18.126
And I pulled the car over on 95
and just started just weeping.

00:48:18.866 --> 00:48:21.586
And I had an experience with the Lord.

00:48:22.736 --> 00:48:29.966
, The, there was a feeling in the car and
a light in the car that I couldn't on my

00:48:29.966 --> 00:48:38.986
best day describe, but he became real, he
became, he became, I believe that that's,

00:48:39.776 --> 00:48:46.746
that's when I truly, truly, truly removed
all question around whether or not he,

00:48:48.261 --> 00:48:48.641
Andrea: Mm.

00:48:49.366 --> 00:48:52.176
Jesse: I don't know how long I was
in the car on the side of the road.

00:48:52.406 --> 00:48:55.466
I do know that I went around.

00:48:56.026 --> 00:48:59.626
And these are the things that happen
in my life that I just don't even,

00:49:00.096 --> 00:49:02.746
sometimes I don't even think I
have the thoughts, it just happens.

00:49:03.056 --> 00:49:04.826
I went around and went back.

00:49:04.916 --> 00:49:09.126
I took a picture of both the billboards
so I would have them to remember.

00:49:09.756 --> 00:49:13.196
I am here to tell you they
took those billboards down

00:49:13.196 --> 00:49:15.126
within days of me seeing them.

00:49:15.591 --> 00:49:16.021
Andrea: Wow.

00:49:16.386 --> 00:49:21.526
Jesse: But I have the pictures and,
and, and for a long while, that was

00:49:21.526 --> 00:49:22.706
the beginning of my remembrances.

00:49:23.666 --> 00:49:26.975
That was the beginning of me saying,
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

00:49:26.975 --> 00:49:29.846
no, no, no, no, no, no, he is real.

00:49:29.906 --> 00:49:33.296
And here's how I know he's real
because he spoke to me on the side of

00:49:33.306 --> 00:49:34.846
the road and here's what he gave me.

00:49:34.846 --> 00:49:36.086
He gave me two billboards.

00:49:36.816 --> 00:49:38.056
And then he met me in the car.

00:49:38.486 --> 00:49:40.066
So I had to do that.

00:49:40.866 --> 00:49:46.066
Now I understand to battle the
enemy in my mind, or not in my mind,

00:49:46.066 --> 00:49:50.706
but in the exterior of trying to
seep into the thoughts in my mind.

00:49:51.736 --> 00:50:02.546
And so that became the start of here's
what he's doing and here's what he's done.

00:50:02.836 --> 00:50:06.816
So I'd have these tangible things
that I knew were coming from him.

00:50:07.946 --> 00:50:09.046
At the same time.

00:50:10.066 --> 00:50:11.296
I'm reading the Bible.

00:50:11.436 --> 00:50:13.046
I'm listening to pastors.

00:50:13.586 --> 00:50:17.596
, I'm listening to some of the greats
out there and it's starting to get in.

00:50:18.566 --> 00:50:27.086
I'm spending time alone with him in
a secret place, probably for close to

00:50:27.116 --> 00:50:35.646
three years, just worshipping, praising,
listening to sermons, listening to

00:50:35.646 --> 00:50:37.411
worship sessions that go for hours.

00:50:38.071 --> 00:50:39.551
two and three hours.

00:50:39.791 --> 00:50:43.841
People like Stephanie Gretzinger,
Jesus Image, and these folks that just,

00:50:44.771 --> 00:50:51.751
they just, they arrive on the stage
and they just pour their entire souls

00:50:51.751 --> 00:50:56.581
out to the Lord, and just adoration
and praise and all those things.

00:50:56.581 --> 00:51:00.561
And so I'm, I'm experiencing that alone.

00:51:01.151 --> 00:51:08.926
And I'm realizing that there is something,
there are a lot of things missing.

00:51:09.406 --> 00:51:13.196
, there's also scripture that talks
about how we don't do this alone.

00:51:13.226 --> 00:51:14.206
We need the body.

00:51:14.516 --> 00:51:19.596
And I kept saying, Lord, you know,
I've been around your people in church

00:51:19.596 --> 00:51:22.476
and I don't want to go to church.

00:51:22.586 --> 00:51:25.106
The Lord was like, you gotta
go, you gotta go to church.

00:51:25.606 --> 00:51:27.946
But I don't want to go to,
but you gotta go to church.

00:51:28.456 --> 00:51:33.066
So I started exploring that
and, , visited many good churches.

00:51:34.396 --> 00:51:37.286
, and, and had great experiences.

00:51:37.286 --> 00:51:42.746
There was just, there was this connection
that was missing and what I didn't know

00:51:42.746 --> 00:51:46.596
is that the Lord was doing things just
like He always is with other people.

00:51:47.156 --> 00:51:57.096
And so, , fast forward, , I was, , I was
in TJ Maxx and I walked past a t shirt

00:51:57.126 --> 00:52:01.746
that was for a team of a good friend of
mine and I hadn't seen him in a really

00:52:01.746 --> 00:52:04.016
long time, in years as a matter of fact.

00:52:04.866 --> 00:52:09.786
Since my sister had passed away, and
we all used to be friends, and the Lord

00:52:09.786 --> 00:52:14.646
said, pick that t shirt up for your, I
don't know if I should mention his name,

00:52:14.646 --> 00:52:16.876
but pick that t shirt up for your friend.

00:52:16.896 --> 00:52:18.326
And I'm like, why?

00:52:18.376 --> 00:52:19.126
I don't ever see him.

00:52:19.136 --> 00:52:19.936
That's ridiculous.

00:52:21.351 --> 00:52:25.901
So I know now I'll battle it the
whole way to the cash register, but

00:52:25.901 --> 00:52:27.261
I know now I don't battle it anymore.

00:52:27.261 --> 00:52:29.411
I just pick it up and I
say, okay, I've got it.

00:52:29.421 --> 00:52:30.011
Here we go.

00:52:30.041 --> 00:52:34.421
Well, I guess I'll, I guess I'll see my
friend at some point, Lord, you know, and

00:52:34.681 --> 00:52:38.811
so, , I did in fact see him and it turned
out that, , there were some things going

00:52:38.811 --> 00:52:45.631
on and some real challenges in life were,
were, were presented to him and his wife.

00:52:45.641 --> 00:52:49.661
So I had this, a beautiful
experience and walking through.

00:52:50.236 --> 00:52:51.966
What they were walking through with them.

00:52:52.026 --> 00:52:57.836
They had become a part of a church,
been baptized, walking with the Lord.

00:52:57.856 --> 00:53:01.566
Two people that I thought
would never walk with the Lord.

00:53:02.256 --> 00:53:07.506
So the Lord was preparing them so that
he could join us back together in Him.

00:53:08.051 --> 00:53:11.971
And we could have the friendship, the
beautiful friendship that we experience

00:53:12.011 --> 00:53:15.161
now that is completely centered in Jesus.

00:53:15.191 --> 00:53:18.311
I mean, just completely centered in that.

00:53:18.701 --> 00:53:19.081
Andrea: Mm.

00:53:19.321 --> 00:53:24.341
Jesse: So he's always, always
doing exceedingly more than

00:53:24.341 --> 00:53:25.911
we could ever think or ask.

00:53:26.071 --> 00:53:29.461
And that's just the unfolding that
goes on in my life over and over again.

00:53:29.856 --> 00:53:36.966
Well, that got, got me into, okay, I'll,
I'll go to church and, and experience

00:53:36.966 --> 00:53:38.316
this and see what this is like.

00:53:38.316 --> 00:53:41.006
It's turned out to be just
a beautiful experience.

00:53:41.406 --> 00:53:46.026
It's turned out to be just the
message, , over and over again, every

00:53:46.026 --> 00:53:48.256
single Sunday that, that I need.

00:53:48.796 --> 00:53:54.386
It also turns out in God's
divine design that when I was.

00:53:54.781 --> 00:54:02.381
in my hometown, working the job I
was working, that that company was

00:54:02.391 --> 00:54:08.601
supplying the church where this
pastor that I currently, , follow

00:54:08.601 --> 00:54:12.081
at 1122 was the youth pastor.

00:54:12.251 --> 00:54:12.901
So we were

00:54:13.141 --> 00:54:13.581
Andrea: ha, ha.

00:54:14.361 --> 00:54:22.411
Jesse: we were connected back
in the 2000, 2002, 2003 circa.

00:54:22.841 --> 00:54:25.501
, in that way, He was a youth pastor there.

00:54:25.501 --> 00:54:28.861
Now he's the pastor of
1122 in Jacksonville.

00:54:28.871 --> 00:54:36.231
So, , it's just, it's amazing that that
type of story ribbons through, , my

00:54:36.231 --> 00:54:37.941
life story and my walk with the Lord.

00:54:38.151 --> 00:54:40.381
So here, here's another one
that involves you, Jesse.

00:54:40.391 --> 00:54:47.887
So you, , you've given me more
than one white chip, that surrender

00:54:47.887 --> 00:54:50.971
chip, , , back between 2004 and 2006.

00:54:52.961 --> 00:54:59.391
And, , I, I remember the people who
are kind and now I know it's, you know,

00:54:59.421 --> 00:55:04.471
it's just, you recognize the Lord in
people's eyes and you see and feel it,

00:55:04.471 --> 00:55:08.671
even though you don't know to acknowledge
it, you don't know necessarily what

00:55:08.671 --> 00:55:10.601
it is, but once you know what it is.

00:55:10.976 --> 00:55:14.206
And there's no, there's
no denying it, you know.

00:55:14.906 --> 00:55:22.926
So that's what I see it as now, but
anyway, only a loving, kind God would

00:55:23.726 --> 00:55:31.916
put Jesse Duke in Andrea Sinclair's path
in the most vulnerable time in her life.

00:55:33.306 --> 00:55:41.526
And fast forward, have her become a
part of, , the local board for Habitat

00:55:41.526 --> 00:55:46.256
for Humanity and have her sitting
and reading the original documents.

00:55:47.151 --> 00:55:52.071
, from that organization and hearing
about a guy named Jesse Duke who would

00:55:52.081 --> 00:55:59.321
drive around and say no more Shaqs and
Fernandina and, and go and figure out

00:55:59.321 --> 00:56:01.291
what they were doing in Americus, Georgia.

00:56:02.011 --> 00:56:05.691
I remember reading that and just
weeping, and I was like, Lord.

00:56:06.526 --> 00:56:13.076
You, you mean, you mean this guy, I, I
thought that guy was a painter, you know,

00:56:15.656 --> 00:56:21.226
here he is, like it literally brought
that organization to Fernandina, an

00:56:21.236 --> 00:56:28.846
organization that, , I had volunteered
for since the early nineties, but

00:56:29.196 --> 00:56:34.916
always had a heart towards it because my
grandmother kept the books for Charles

00:56:34.916 --> 00:56:39.106
Moore, the man that ran the warehouse
where Billy and, , Jimmy Carter stored

00:56:39.106 --> 00:56:41.276
their peanuts in Americus, Georgia.

00:56:41.544 --> 00:56:42.101
Andrea: Ha,

00:56:42.706 --> 00:56:45.646
Jesse: And my grandfather was
Jimmy's pastor, and they would all

00:56:45.646 --> 00:56:49.116
talk about, don't do it, Jimmy,
and you know, all those things.

00:56:49.536 --> 00:56:53.066
So, so only a loving God
weaves all that together.

00:56:53.276 --> 00:56:59.546
You know, it's just, it's, he, we, we
have no idea what he's doing, when he's

00:56:59.546 --> 00:57:03.796
doing it, but then we, we're like, oh
wow, Lord, I, I see what you did there.

00:57:03.866 --> 00:57:05.636
I see what you did there, you know?

00:57:06.276 --> 00:57:13.966
So, , current day, it's just, all of
that continues to weave through my daily

00:57:13.966 --> 00:57:16.876
life, when I'm able to, , completely.

00:57:17.366 --> 00:57:20.626
Completely surrender, whatever
it is that's going on,

00:57:21.031 --> 00:57:24.371
, ,
whatever challenge it, it
might be, which in my mind.

00:57:24.676 --> 00:57:32.416
Life, , one of the most common,
, threads has been the whole people

00:57:32.416 --> 00:57:37.386
pleasing, , that lives so strong in
areas that I could never imagine.

00:57:37.706 --> 00:57:42.916
You know, the obvious areas are always
there, and I ask the Lord to relieve

00:57:42.916 --> 00:57:47.296
me, and, and, and I feel like, okay,
I've got some relief, I'm not trying to

00:57:47.296 --> 00:57:49.136
people please in this area any longer.

00:57:49.136 --> 00:57:49.546
And then.

00:57:49.991 --> 00:57:51.971
Some little subtle thing happens.

00:57:51.971 --> 00:57:53.841
I'm like, oh wow, it's still there.

00:57:53.861 --> 00:57:56.801
I'm like, Lord, there's more of this here.

00:57:56.811 --> 00:57:58.131
And he's like, yes, that's.

00:57:58.431 --> 00:57:59.811
Why you need me.

00:58:00.451 --> 00:58:01.221
Remember?

00:58:02.481 --> 00:58:05.831
Remember, I am the vine, right?

00:58:06.541 --> 00:58:07.481
You're the branch.

00:58:07.521 --> 00:58:08.211
Okay.

00:58:08.251 --> 00:58:09.211
Right, right, right, right, right.

00:58:09.361 --> 00:58:09.751
Okay.

00:58:10.231 --> 00:58:14.721
So, it's just, It is a beautiful
thing to be walking with the Lord.

00:58:14.771 --> 00:58:21.611
I, if someone had told me I would think or
feel or desire the presence of God the way

00:58:21.611 --> 00:58:27.611
that I do, , even five years ago, I would
have probably said, eh, no, not like that.

00:58:28.821 --> 00:58:31.196
Not like it's all I want to do.

00:58:31.196 --> 00:58:34.176
No, no, I'm not going down those roads.

00:58:34.456 --> 00:58:35.176
No, no, no, no, no.

00:58:35.406 --> 00:58:36.516
That's kind of crazy.

00:58:36.736 --> 00:58:37.456
Andrea: Fanatic.

00:58:37.856 --> 00:58:38.286
You don't want to

00:58:38.376 --> 00:58:41.266
Jesse: Yeah, you don't be a fanatic,
you don't want to be a Jesus freak now.

00:58:42.093 --> 00:58:51.136
But anyway,   I literally went to 1122
with my friend because his wife, , was,

00:58:51.266 --> 00:58:57.376
, in a treatment facility and, I, I
wanted to go for him to keep him company

00:58:57.376 --> 00:59:02.246
and, and, and comforted in those first
few days when she was gone and it was

00:59:02.246 --> 00:59:04.216
so good to be reconnected with them.

00:59:04.236 --> 00:59:11.236
So I went thinking, Oh, I'm going with
him for him, you know, that kind of thing.

00:59:12.006 --> 00:59:17.906
And when I got there, I, first of
all, I knew it was a mega church.

00:59:18.196 --> 00:59:22.446
I, , I had a certain idea about those.

00:59:23.096 --> 00:59:29.536
And, but when I walked in from the moment,
from the very first time when I walked in

00:59:29.536 --> 00:59:36.976
the doors and people started speaking, I
know, , I've been around so many church

00:59:36.976 --> 00:59:43.436
environments that I know fake and phony
and I, and I, I hate to even say that,

00:59:43.736 --> 00:59:44.346
Andrea: Mm hmm.

00:59:44.347 --> 00:59:45.272
Mm

00:59:45.606 --> 00:59:48.936
Jesse: there was this sense that
everyone that was doing everything.

00:59:49.346 --> 00:59:52.946
Literally wanted to be
doing it and I sat down.

00:59:52.946 --> 00:59:58.746
I was very skeptical I sat down and
there was just a feeling in the in

00:59:58.746 --> 01:00:04.696
the church itself Which I know is the
presence of the Holy Spirit I know they

01:00:04.716 --> 01:00:11.536
host the Holy Spirit so to speak not
saying that other churches don't but

01:00:11.616 --> 01:00:17.856
they say at 1122 that it's a movement
for all people, all people, to deepen

01:00:17.866 --> 01:00:19.626
their relationship with Jesus Christ.

01:00:20.416 --> 01:00:21.616
they literally mean that.

01:00:22.756 --> 01:00:26.196
Alcoholic, drug addict,
drinking, not drinking, , living

01:00:26.196 --> 01:00:27.706
in an alternative lifestyle.

01:00:27.746 --> 01:00:35.256
It does not matter where you are,
they want you there, not in a, oh,

01:00:35.266 --> 01:00:38.136
let's change your mind type of way.

01:00:39.096 --> 01:00:40.326
It's let's change your heart.

01:00:40.326 --> 01:00:42.331
It And the way we're going to do that is.

01:00:43.696 --> 01:00:47.866
That, Pastor Joby Martin says
all the time, he didn't write

01:00:47.876 --> 01:00:49.876
the mail, he just delivers it.

01:00:50.686 --> 01:00:53.426
And that, and he, he
means, he means the Bible.

01:00:54.736 --> 01:00:57.186
and everything's been
centered around Scripture.

01:00:57.236 --> 01:01:01.696
It's not about, let's give you a fluffy
talk and, and get you out of here.

01:01:02.851 --> 01:01:05.791
If, if that's what people are
drawn to and that gets them to

01:01:05.791 --> 01:01:06.891
know the Lord, that's great.

01:01:07.431 --> 01:01:14.011
But he is very much centered in What
does the truth say in the Bible?

01:01:14.941 --> 01:01:17.081
And I like that approach.

01:01:17.141 --> 01:01:20.901
I think most alcoholics
love that approach.

01:01:21.211 --> 01:01:25.671
Because if you give fogginess around
things, we're going to figure out, we're

01:01:25.671 --> 01:01:26.951
going to figure out a different way.

01:01:27.131 --> 01:01:27.471
We're,

01:01:27.791 --> 01:01:28.571
Andrea: A loophole?

01:01:28.931 --> 01:01:30.131
Jesse: We're going to
figure out a loophole.

01:01:30.141 --> 01:01:31.871
We're going to figure out the trap door.

01:01:31.891 --> 01:01:34.891
And the next thing you know, we're
going to be like, do Galatians

01:01:34.911 --> 01:01:36.701
really say, like, we'll be like Eve.

01:01:37.201 --> 01:01:39.151
You know, or it would be like
the, the snake in the garden

01:01:39.151 --> 01:01:41.891
saying, did, did the Lord really
say you couldn't eat that apple?

01:01:42.111 --> 01:01:43.871
You know, we will be those people.

01:01:44.271 --> 01:01:49.991
So I think that his directness in
the approach with scripture, , is

01:01:50.041 --> 01:01:57.211
very much what draws But most
importantly, having them know that.

01:01:57.926 --> 01:02:02.656
They can count on it being the word of
God and not the word of Joby Martin.

01:02:03.111 --> 01:02:03.881
Andrea: Mm hmm.

01:02:04.381 --> 01:02:04.821
Mm hmm.

01:02:05.256 --> 01:02:06.936
Jesse: that's the biggest thing.

01:02:06.966 --> 01:02:10.776
Not saying that he is
unique or that is unique.

01:02:10.806 --> 01:02:12.736
There are plenty of
churches that do the same.

01:02:13.326 --> 01:02:19.216
It's just they are people of action and
you know, how we are, you know, we want

01:02:19.216 --> 01:02:22.436
to, we want to be a part of the community.

01:02:22.526 --> 01:02:23.696
And a lot of times.

01:02:24.971 --> 01:02:29.431
For whatever reason, we're denied
those opportunities, , as recovered,

01:02:29.761 --> 01:02:31.321
you know, alcoholics and addicts.

01:02:31.911 --> 01:02:37.091
, but through an organization and a
body of Christ that is all about.

01:02:37.771 --> 01:02:43.861
The prison ministry, the, people in 12
step programs, you know, the, I remember

01:02:43.861 --> 01:02:48.661
I was on, , we were, , we were walking
into the building one Sunday and I was

01:02:48.661 --> 01:02:53.701
like, yeah, I bet they, I bet they don't
take on, Mental illness and suicide,

01:02:54.221 --> 01:02:57.901
and I've pulled up the app and looked,
there's a whole, they have a whole

01:02:57.931 --> 01:03:03.311
team dedicated to that, , from someone
who lost a family member, I think it

01:03:03.311 --> 01:03:08.361
was her daughter to suicide and, and
came to the church and said, you know,

01:03:08.381 --> 01:03:10.081
why, why aren't we talking about this?

01:03:10.131 --> 01:03:11.851
Why aren't we, why don't
we addressing this?

01:03:11.851 --> 01:03:16.111
They have, , foster programs for,
and People who want to be foster

01:03:16.111 --> 01:03:21.411
parents and, , mission trips,
both, , locally and internationally.

01:03:22.491 --> 01:03:25.921
They, they literally have
things going for everyone.

01:03:26.041 --> 01:03:31.561
, big part of the Tim Tebow Foundation
and what he does and, , huge into

01:03:31.571 --> 01:03:33.521
being a resource for human trafficking.

01:03:33.531 --> 01:03:38.001
So you, you feel as
though you're a part of.

01:03:38.406 --> 01:03:42.486
Something that is making a difference
every single day, but at the same

01:03:42.486 --> 01:03:49.116
time, you receive so much more
when you're fed the word of God

01:03:49.566 --> 01:03:51.646
directly from the way it's written.

01:03:51.946 --> 01:03:54.406
And, and, and he's funny too.

01:03:54.416 --> 01:03:58.236
He's, his delivery is, is,
is unique and humorous.

01:03:58.266 --> 01:03:59.996
Quite often he calls it like it is.

01:04:01.791 --> 01:04:03.831
Guest pastors are always really good too.

01:04:04.491 --> 01:04:10.491
, so it's just, it's a great place
for someone who feels as though they

01:04:10.491 --> 01:04:12.391
just won't like going to church.

01:04:12.391 --> 01:04:18.091
You get involved in, and it's
just a really cool thing.

01:04:18.101 --> 01:04:23.241
We've got a discipleship group that
meets locally on Wednesday nights and,

01:04:23.321 --> 01:04:29.961
, We just covered the sermon from the
week before, and that's become just a

01:04:29.961 --> 01:04:34.081
complete, beautiful group to be a part of.

01:04:34.191 --> 01:04:35.801
We support each other in prayer.

01:04:36.411 --> 01:04:38.381
, we stay in touch through the week.

01:04:38.851 --> 01:04:42.191
, we are excited when we see each
other, when we, when somebody's

01:04:42.191 --> 01:04:45.401
been gone traveling for work or
whatever, and we see each other again.

01:04:45.401 --> 01:04:48.301
It's like, it's like family, you know,

01:04:48.905 --> 01:04:53.826
Andrea: Yeah, you mentioned back
when you were a teenager, wanted to

01:04:53.916 --> 01:04:59.426
start this Christian life and gave
your life to the Lord, but there

01:04:59.426 --> 01:05:01.956
was, really no discipleship involved.

01:05:01.956 --> 01:05:03.516
And I think.

01:05:04.031 --> 01:05:08.861
that's really the missing ingredient,
in all of this is, is discipleship.

01:05:09.751 --> 01:05:15.271
I mean, we, for so long, the church
has kind of, well, I, I use this

01:05:15.301 --> 01:05:18.671
in a very broad sense and I just
hope people don't take it the wrong

01:05:18.671 --> 01:05:23.547
way, but, you know, this, , type of
evangelism where, you just got to get

01:05:23.547 --> 01:05:27.367
somebody to say the sinner's prayer
and, and assume that God's going to.

01:05:28.062 --> 01:05:33.210
You know, just magically transform them,
but it says in Romans 12 too that we

01:05:33.220 --> 01:05:37.830
have to be, transformed by the renewing
of our minds and that takes discipleship

01:05:37.950 --> 01:05:43.410
and, and that is, that was the missing
ingredient in my life when I was 16 or

01:05:43.410 --> 01:05:49.780
17 years old, I decided to kind of turn
away from church and turn away from

01:05:49.780 --> 01:05:52.980
the Lord because I just assumed that.

01:05:53.700 --> 01:05:57.410
magically the Lord was supposed to
just start doing stuff in my life

01:05:57.410 --> 01:06:00.210
and I didn't have anybody saying,
well, you got to do your part.

01:06:03.190 --> 01:06:06.670
, well, we, we have an ongoing
revival in this country right now.

01:06:07.227 --> 01:06:08.817
Most people are not aware of it.

01:06:08.857 --> 01:06:12.947
And that revival, I believe
is, is that more and more.

01:06:13.432 --> 01:06:16.582
believers are getting involved
in discipleship groups like

01:06:16.582 --> 01:06:21.112
you talk about or discipleship
programs in one form or another.

01:06:21.512 --> 01:06:23.642
And that is a huge thing.

01:06:24.962 --> 01:06:25.312
And

01:06:25.322 --> 01:06:33.782
I have heard other recovering folks going
to 1122 and talking very highly about it.

01:06:33.782 --> 01:06:36.392
And I think it's because like
you said, it's, it's truth.

01:06:37.072 --> 01:06:38.682
People are attracted to truth.

01:06:38.882 --> 01:06:43.152
God draws them through the
truth and not through fluff.

01:06:44.097 --> 01:06:44.857
Jesse: exactly.

01:06:44.857 --> 01:06:46.707
There's, there's plenty
of fluff out there.

01:06:46.707 --> 01:06:50.397
And, , it's just, it's
an amazing experience.

01:06:50.917 --> 01:06:51.267
Andrea: Yeah.

01:06:52.377 --> 01:06:55.947
Well, listen, we're really taking
advantage of God's time here, man,

01:06:56.327 --> 01:06:58.057
because this, this is awesome.

01:06:58.067 --> 01:07:02.087
But I wonder, , two things,
one, is there anything else you

01:07:02.087 --> 01:07:03.917
want to add about your story?

01:07:03.937 --> 01:07:08.367
And then I want to ask you, if there's one
bit of wisdom that you've gained over the

01:07:08.367 --> 01:07:13.234
years that is crucial that you would like
to, to share with the listeners today.

01:07:14.034 --> 01:07:14.544
Jesse: Gotcha.

01:07:15.084 --> 01:07:18.829
I don't think that there's,
, anything that I want to add.

01:07:19.399 --> 01:07:26.159
, we'll let the Holy Spirit do with all of
that what he will today and, and ongoing.

01:07:27.009 --> 01:07:32.629
, if there's one bit of advice that I
can say has been critical for me that I

01:07:32.629 --> 01:07:34.669
would, that I would recommend, that is.

01:07:36.424 --> 01:07:41.964
Quite often we think we need fancy prayers
in, , certain way or a certain environment

01:07:42.054 --> 01:07:45.344
to talk to the Lord or talk to God.

01:07:45.827 --> 01:07:48.437
and that I've found is just not true.

01:07:48.877 --> 01:07:59.054
, he appreciates being able to have us
recognize that he's always there, that

01:07:59.084 --> 01:08:03.744
whether we are crying out or whether
we were just saying, Hey, are you real?

01:08:04.285 --> 01:08:12.775
That's all that you need to make a start
and I believe that in my experience

01:08:12.945 --> 01:08:18.515
of knowing that he's real now, prior
to that, being able to just ask those

01:08:18.515 --> 01:08:24.515
simple questions, as I look back, he was
showing me whether it was the kindness

01:08:24.515 --> 01:08:29.635
of someone approaching me, whether it was
the kindness of a friend, whether it was.

01:08:30.085 --> 01:08:32.775
, a scripture that I would
see three times in one day.

01:08:33.025 --> 01:08:34.265
He was talking to me.

01:08:34.715 --> 01:08:39.785
You don't see those things until you're
at that point where you've established.

01:08:40.165 --> 01:08:43.235
a relationship with him of some
sort, and you know he's real.

01:08:43.640 --> 01:08:44.410
Andrea: mm,

01:08:44.555 --> 01:08:46.305
Jesse: you get all that realization.

01:08:47.055 --> 01:08:49.905
So you have to be comfortable
in the mystery, but it all comes

01:08:49.905 --> 01:08:52.055
with just, just talk to him.

01:08:52.435 --> 01:08:53.325
Hey, are you real?

01:08:53.326 --> 01:08:55.155
Are you there?

01:08:55.165 --> 01:08:56.595
Do you love me?

01:08:57.285 --> 01:08:57.785
Do you care about me?

01:08:57.805 --> 01:09:03.025
Whatever that is, all the questions
that we have early on, very important.

01:09:03.405 --> 01:09:04.085
Don't give up.

01:09:04.315 --> 01:09:04.795
Yeah.

01:09:05.245 --> 01:09:06.685
It's all about relationship.

01:09:06.955 --> 01:09:10.675
You can't have a relationship with
anybody unless you have a conversation.

01:09:11.185 --> 01:09:13.345
I mean, even if it's just one sided.

01:09:14.155 --> 01:09:14.875
In the beginning.

01:09:15.355 --> 01:09:17.875
You know, if it seems to be
one sided, it's only because

01:09:17.875 --> 01:09:19.135
we have to learn how to hear.

01:09:19.975 --> 01:09:22.435
You have to grow ears to hear so to speak.

01:09:22.765 --> 01:09:23.635
And that takes time.

01:09:24.115 --> 01:09:25.495
That's that's great advice.

01:09:25.525 --> 01:09:26.005
Thank you.

01:09:26.402 --> 01:09:26.732
Jesse: Yes.

01:09:27.855 --> 01:09:28.375
Andrea: Well.

01:09:28.570 --> 01:09:30.260
anything you want to add, go right ahead.

01:09:30.500 --> 01:09:34.234
Otherwise, would you pray
for our listeners today?

01:09:34.864 --> 01:09:35.734
Jesse: Absolutely.

01:09:37.994 --> 01:09:42.154
Heavenly Father, thank you
for all your grace and mercy.

01:09:43.524 --> 01:09:47.394
I want to thank you for every
listener that ever hears any of

01:09:47.394 --> 01:09:49.254
this, a portion of it or all of it.

01:09:51.094 --> 01:09:57.464
You are absolutely, positively the great
orchestrator of everything that we do.

01:09:57.464 --> 01:10:03.769
I want to thank you for Jesse and his
willingness to have A program like

01:10:03.769 --> 01:10:08.159
this where we can talk about what
we've been through in order to arrive

01:10:08.829 --> 01:10:16.079
at the final knowing in our hearts,
through and through, beyond the shadow

01:10:16.079 --> 01:10:22.089
of the doubt, that you are our Savior
and that you are the King of Kings.

01:10:23.259 --> 01:10:24.388
I just pray that.

01:10:25.109 --> 01:10:31.039
Anyone who's listening that needs to
deepen that relationship with you or begin

01:10:31.039 --> 01:10:37.419
that relationship with you, that you make
yourself known to them in such a tangible

01:10:37.419 --> 01:10:43.059
way that there is no denying in the same
way that you've done for so many of us.

01:10:44.279 --> 01:10:46.269
Fall drip by drip on their heart, Lord.

01:10:47.529 --> 01:10:50.259
We thank you for everything you've done.

01:10:50.259 --> 01:10:53.299
We thank you for the things
you're doing, and we thank you

01:10:53.299 --> 01:10:54.709
for the things you will do.

01:10:56.699 --> 01:10:59.359
We pray all of this in the
almighty name of Jesus.

01:11:00.524 --> 01:11:01.044
Amen.

01:11:02.974 --> 01:11:03.584
Andrea: Amen.

01:11:09.386 --> 01:11:11.586
We hope you've been
blessed by today's story.

01:11:12.006 --> 01:11:16.196
if you've heard something that you think
could help someone you know, please share

01:11:16.196 --> 01:11:18.026
it using the link in the show notes.

01:11:18.856 --> 01:11:23.206
Also, if you will give Faith and Purpose a
positive review on your podcast platform,

01:11:23.656 --> 01:11:25.296
you could help more people find it.

01:11:25.906 --> 01:11:29.971
You will probably never know how
that small effort can make a big

01:11:29.971 --> 01:11:33.521
difference in someone's life,
but our Heavenly Father knows.

01:11:34.021 --> 01:11:38.821
Speaking of sharing, if you know a Jesus
follower with a story to tell, please send

01:11:38.821 --> 01:11:40.751
them a link to Faith and Purpose Podcast.

01:11:41.721 --> 01:11:43.881
It may encourage them to tell their story.

01:11:44.281 --> 01:11:45.881
That person may even be you.

01:11:46.351 --> 01:11:49.481
Our only criteria is
that Jesus be glorified.

01:11:50.251 --> 01:11:53.691
If Jesus has changed your
life, you have a story to tell.

01:11:54.586 --> 01:11:57.586
you may be the only one who
can reach someone else through

01:11:57.586 --> 01:11:58.906
telling your experience.

01:11:59.476 --> 01:12:00.846
So don't be intimidated.

01:12:01.176 --> 01:12:06.596
A story is just that, a true account
of your own experience, and no one

01:12:06.606 --> 01:12:08.546
can disagree with your experience.

01:12:09.501 --> 01:12:13.681
When we tell what Jesus has done in
our lives, we are being obedient to his

01:12:13.681 --> 01:12:17.901
command to go into all the world and
preach the gospel to every creature.

01:12:18.301 --> 01:12:22.151
It's not about theology, and it's not
about how interesting or special you are.

01:12:22.491 --> 01:12:24.151
It's all about Jesus.

01:12:24.931 --> 01:12:29.641
So when you're ready to tell how Jesus
has impacted your life, you can let Jesse

01:12:29.641 --> 01:12:32.761
know at his ministry website, jesseduke.

01:12:32.781 --> 01:12:33.041
net.

01:12:33.671 --> 01:12:36.851
There you can download guidelines
that will make it easy to

01:12:36.851 --> 01:12:38.311
prepare to tell your story.

01:12:38.931 --> 01:12:41.371
Thank you for listening today and Shalom.