1 00:00:15,227 --> 00:00:20,357 Today on the podcast we are going to talk about people pleasers. 2 00:00:20,927 --> 00:00:25,877 So that may seem a little kind of odd of a subject to talk about because you don't 3 00:00:25,982 --> 00:00:28,787 have to be a mom to be a people pleaser. 4 00:00:29,087 --> 00:00:33,257 There's plenty of men, people pleasers and non mom people pleasers. 5 00:00:33,422 --> 00:00:34,142 Out there. 6 00:00:34,472 --> 00:00:41,072 However, if you are a people pleaser and a mom, it can negatively affect your family. 7 00:00:41,342 --> 00:00:45,062 So that is the route we are going to go with it today. 8 00:00:45,452 --> 00:00:49,632 I am a self-professed people pleaser. 9 00:00:49,692 --> 00:00:55,302 I've been one my whole life basically, and I have dealt with overcoming it 10 00:00:55,302 --> 00:00:58,332 so that I can prioritize my family. 11 00:00:58,362 --> 00:01:03,552 So that is the way I'm gonna speak about it today in case you also struggle with 12 00:01:03,552 --> 00:01:08,592 being a people pleaser and then that causing issues or problems with your 13 00:01:08,592 --> 00:01:13,842 marriage or your family or just your day to day life of getting things done. 14 00:01:14,112 --> 00:01:15,882 Balance, that's a huge one. 15 00:01:16,332 --> 00:01:21,102 being a people pleaser can really throw your calendar and everything off balance. 16 00:01:21,162 --> 00:01:25,842 So generally if someone is a people pleaser, it is because they were 17 00:01:25,842 --> 00:01:29,532 conditioned to be one as a child. 18 00:01:29,832 --> 00:01:34,362 So if you grew up in a situation where your positive reinforcement, 19 00:01:34,662 --> 00:01:39,222 love self-worth, any of those kind of qualities, if you. 20 00:01:39,877 --> 00:01:46,117 I received those because of doing things that pleased someone else. 21 00:01:46,117 --> 00:01:48,757 You know, it was a conditional type situation. 22 00:01:49,087 --> 00:01:54,487 Then that is generally what causes someone to become a people pleaser. 23 00:01:54,877 --> 00:01:59,167 They please, so that they get that positive affirmation and so that 24 00:01:59,167 --> 00:02:03,037 they're not like walking on eggshells, wondering if they're in trouble or if. 25 00:02:03,042 --> 00:02:04,512 They've done something wrong. 26 00:02:04,692 --> 00:02:07,152 They want everyone to be happy. 27 00:02:07,152 --> 00:02:11,652 And so they do whatever it takes to make everyone else happy while neglecting 28 00:02:11,652 --> 00:02:17,442 themselves and what their own wants, needs, desires are at the time. 29 00:02:17,862 --> 00:02:21,569 So if you are a people pleaser, if you become one growing up then once 30 00:02:21,629 --> 00:02:26,649 you get married or have children; then that motherly instinct, it even 31 00:02:26,649 --> 00:02:31,089 makes you want to do for others even more, that nurturing aspect of it. 32 00:02:31,089 --> 00:02:36,579 So when you combine the people pleasing tendency with this new 33 00:02:36,639 --> 00:02:41,769 nurturing aspect of wanting to do for others, it really kind of takes over. 34 00:02:42,009 --> 00:02:45,489 And that is where self neglect can really, really happen. 35 00:02:45,789 --> 00:02:47,199 And then when that kind of. 36 00:02:47,414 --> 00:02:52,364 Erupts one day because you've neglected yourself so much, it causes issues. 37 00:02:52,604 --> 00:02:58,244 So you want to learn to recognize when you've, overextended yourself from the 38 00:02:58,244 --> 00:03:04,994 people pleasing aspect so that you can refocus and rebalance what you're doing. 39 00:03:05,504 --> 00:03:11,874 So a people pleaser is generally someone who also, can't say no to anyone. 40 00:03:11,874 --> 00:03:16,134 So when someone asks for something, they always say yes. 41 00:03:16,674 --> 00:03:22,524 And so I am very guilty of not being able to say no. 42 00:03:22,692 --> 00:03:27,642 So my people pleasing; one of the biggest, decisions I made about 43 00:03:27,642 --> 00:03:32,382 my life that was based upon people pleasing was my career path. 44 00:03:32,742 --> 00:03:39,132 So I wanted to be an architect, but it would please others if I went the business 45 00:03:39,132 --> 00:03:41,082 route and went into the family business. 46 00:03:41,082 --> 00:03:45,492 And so I chose a completely different career path just based 47 00:03:45,492 --> 00:03:49,892 on wanting to please others and to have them happy with me. 48 00:03:49,934 --> 00:03:54,674 So that was obviously a major decision I made about my life based on the 49 00:03:54,674 --> 00:03:58,694 fact that it was pleasing others rather than being the actual thing 50 00:03:58,784 --> 00:04:01,724 that I really wanted for myself. 51 00:04:01,853 --> 00:04:06,533 And what's funny is on that career path, I have tons of instances I 52 00:04:06,533 --> 00:04:10,523 could give as examples of things I did that were people pleasing to others. 53 00:04:10,853 --> 00:04:15,293 But a lot of the times when we are people pleasing, others we're, we're definitely 54 00:04:15,323 --> 00:04:16,943 neglecting ourselves and what we want. 55 00:04:17,063 --> 00:04:22,848 But I ironically, a lot of the time we end up neglecting our own family 56 00:04:22,848 --> 00:04:28,518 because we're so preoccupied with pleasing coworkers or, extended family 57 00:04:28,518 --> 00:04:30,108 members, all of that kind of thing. 58 00:04:30,108 --> 00:04:32,718 And so a lot of times our own family can be affected. 59 00:04:33,318 --> 00:04:39,010 And an example that I did, we were on spring break. 60 00:04:39,010 --> 00:04:40,690 My son was pretty young when we did this. 61 00:04:40,690 --> 00:04:44,920 We went on a spring break, getaway to Okracoke and you have to 62 00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:46,480 take a ferry to get to Okracoke. 63 00:04:46,510 --> 00:04:49,030 So it's not exactly just a little quick little drive. 64 00:04:49,510 --> 00:04:54,100 And there was a meeting at work I that even though I'd taken the week off, 65 00:04:54,370 --> 00:04:58,930 there was a meeting at work that I got kind of guilted because I wasn't 66 00:04:58,930 --> 00:05:05,080 going to be attending and I was so distraught that I was, letting these 67 00:05:05,080 --> 00:05:11,080 people down, that I actually got up at four o'clock in the morning and made 68 00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:13,960 the five o'clock ferry outta okracoke. 69 00:05:14,590 --> 00:05:18,250 Which got to the port at seven and then I had a two hour drive to the 70 00:05:18,250 --> 00:05:22,540 office and I made the nine o'clock meeting and then left at noon 71 00:05:22,780 --> 00:05:25,300 and got back, in time for dinner. 72 00:05:25,390 --> 00:05:30,715 So it doesn't sound like the end of the world, but the fact that I really felt 73 00:05:30,715 --> 00:05:35,035 that I couldn't miss this meeting because people would be disappointed in me. 74 00:05:35,275 --> 00:05:39,265 The problem was that I was miserable doing all of that driving that 75 00:05:39,265 --> 00:05:44,125 day, and I lost a spring break day with my husband and my son. 76 00:05:44,125 --> 00:05:50,335 So there I was prioritizing, pleasing coworkers and other people at work 77 00:05:50,575 --> 00:05:53,035 rather than myself and my own family. 78 00:05:53,035 --> 00:05:57,025 Then when I left Corporate America a few years, I was like, oh, well now I 79 00:05:57,025 --> 00:06:03,955 have all of this time to immerse myself into like my son's school or the church 80 00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:05,515 or volunteering in the community. 81 00:06:05,515 --> 00:06:11,335 And before I knew it, I had gotten that reputation that I will say, 82 00:06:11,335 --> 00:06:14,065 yes if you ask me to do something. 83 00:06:14,185 --> 00:06:15,145 And guess what? 84 00:06:15,235 --> 00:06:19,915 Before long, I was extremely overextended. 85 00:06:19,915 --> 00:06:23,485 So once you get that reputation of being reliable, dependable, 86 00:06:23,485 --> 00:06:24,595 you're gonna say yes. 87 00:06:24,595 --> 00:06:28,375 Then people start asking and asking and asking, and they keep taking 88 00:06:28,375 --> 00:06:32,725 and taking and taking because you are agreeing to do all these things. 89 00:06:32,725 --> 00:06:37,225 You don't have a boundary of where you say no. 90 00:06:37,345 --> 00:06:40,825 And that's the thing, like you have to say, like your yes is 91 00:06:40,825 --> 00:06:42,925 your yes, and your no is your no. 92 00:06:43,325 --> 00:06:47,945 And there can't be any kind of gray area, any gray area you're saying "yes." 93 00:06:48,065 --> 00:06:52,880 So learning to set like a firm boundary is really important and it has been a 94 00:06:53,425 --> 00:06:59,245 struggle for me to set those kind of boundaries because I'm so concerned 95 00:06:59,245 --> 00:07:01,495 that people will be disappointed in me. 96 00:07:02,065 --> 00:07:05,335 But the truth is, is you can't make everyone happy. 97 00:07:05,725 --> 00:07:09,265 You most likely can never fulfill their expectations. 98 00:07:09,515 --> 00:07:11,945 Because you don't even know what they are for the most part. 99 00:07:12,335 --> 00:07:19,565 And once you do put your foot down, then you might get a reputation of you're 100 00:07:19,565 --> 00:07:21,275 being difficult or something like that. 101 00:07:21,280 --> 00:07:23,525 And then the people pleaser definitely doesn't want that. 102 00:07:23,530 --> 00:07:28,655 So then you go back on that hamster wheel of people pleasing because 103 00:07:28,655 --> 00:07:32,165 you don't want to be known as someone who's being disagreeable. 104 00:07:32,165 --> 00:07:38,450 So it's, there's a lot to decide that you are okay with as far as people's 105 00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:42,950 opinions or thoughts of you when you are setting your boundaries of what 106 00:07:42,950 --> 00:07:46,670 is best for you and your family. 107 00:07:46,670 --> 00:07:50,385 We recently went on a family vacation and while I was like 108 00:07:50,385 --> 00:07:52,455 unwinding and really enjoying myself. 109 00:07:53,145 --> 00:07:56,295 As we started to kind of get closer towards the end of the vacation, 110 00:07:56,655 --> 00:07:58,185 you generally kind of get excited. 111 00:07:58,185 --> 00:08:01,155 You're recharged and rejuvenated, and you get excited about 112 00:08:01,155 --> 00:08:02,385 things that you have coming up. 113 00:08:02,895 --> 00:08:08,175 And I found myself dreading certain things that I knew were on my calendar. 114 00:08:08,715 --> 00:08:12,825 And all of those things that I was dreading were things that I 115 00:08:12,830 --> 00:08:16,725 had put on my calendar because I couldn't say no, they weren't things. 116 00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:21,465 I wanted to do, so I decided that, and I'm, I'm making a lot of life changes 117 00:08:21,465 --> 00:08:25,905 in 2024, but one of 'em was going to be, I'm going to be much more cognizant 118 00:08:26,205 --> 00:08:32,475 of where my boundary is, where I say no, let things go, and I have to do 119 00:08:32,475 --> 00:08:37,245 what's right for me and my family long before I worry about anybody else. 120 00:08:39,045 --> 00:08:42,645 So I created five little questions that I ask myself now 121 00:08:42,645 --> 00:08:45,525 before I commit to something. 122 00:08:45,945 --> 00:08:49,935 And if you struggle with these same things of people pleasing and you 123 00:08:49,935 --> 00:08:53,745 can't say no, I really encourage you to try these five questions, they 124 00:08:53,745 --> 00:08:57,650 might not all really pertain to you, but at least some of them should. 125 00:08:57,650 --> 00:09:02,240 So these five questions are very important to ask yourself when you're 126 00:09:02,245 --> 00:09:06,440 trying to make that decision and if, and if your heart's not all in on doing 127 00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:09,050 something, then it is most likely a no. 128 00:09:09,170 --> 00:09:09,590 Okay? 129 00:09:09,620 --> 00:09:11,450 So, but here are the five questions. 130 00:09:12,740 --> 00:09:17,570 Number one, is this thing that I'm being asked to do or feel obligated 131 00:09:17,570 --> 00:09:23,300 to do, whatever that is, is this thing aligned with who I am? 132 00:09:24,210 --> 00:09:28,470 Or who I'm becoming, the path I'm on of growth or anything like that. 133 00:09:28,800 --> 00:09:32,370 Is it aligned in going to support those things? 134 00:09:32,700 --> 00:09:36,090 Because if it's not, then it's a no. 135 00:09:37,980 --> 00:09:38,730 Number two. 136 00:09:39,285 --> 00:09:45,975 Is doing this thing, the best use of my time, this question is kind of 137 00:09:45,975 --> 00:09:47,505 aligned with my financial background. 138 00:09:47,505 --> 00:09:49,635 Kinda like, is this the best use of my money? 139 00:09:49,875 --> 00:09:51,345 So you can kind of relate it that way. 140 00:09:51,350 --> 00:09:56,625 Like, is doing this the best use of my time or the five hours a 141 00:09:56,625 --> 00:09:57,975 week that this is gonna take? 142 00:09:57,975 --> 00:10:00,975 Would I be better off doing X for five hours? 143 00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:02,090 Instead. 144 00:10:02,090 --> 00:10:07,580 So you just have to ask yourself kind of the opportunity cost of your time, and 145 00:10:07,580 --> 00:10:10,340 is this thing the best use of your time? 146 00:10:10,492 --> 00:10:14,842 Number three, would doing this be investing, and this kinda goes back to 147 00:10:14,842 --> 00:10:19,762 the time, but investing myself in my time into the right relationships are 148 00:10:19,767 --> 00:10:21,382 the people that are involved in this. 149 00:10:21,382 --> 00:10:25,222 Ones that I want to cultivate relationships with. 150 00:10:25,462 --> 00:10:28,972 So maybe you're being asked to do something that would surround you with 151 00:10:28,972 --> 00:10:33,532 people that could help your business or, get your child involved on some 152 00:10:33,532 --> 00:10:35,422 sports things that they're interested. 153 00:10:35,422 --> 00:10:38,392 So you've got to kinda ask yourself, is this going? 154 00:10:38,392 --> 00:10:40,492 And it, it's kind of like the alignment piece. 155 00:10:40,492 --> 00:10:44,932 Is this cultivating the right relationships for me, or do I 156 00:10:44,932 --> 00:10:48,502 really not need to invest in relationships with these people? 157 00:10:48,832 --> 00:10:50,212 So it's a no. 158 00:10:50,212 --> 00:10:54,472 If you don't feel that those are good relationships for you to invest in. 159 00:10:54,648 --> 00:10:55,278 Number four. 160 00:10:55,482 --> 00:11:00,192 Will this actually matter in five years or even a year? 161 00:11:00,282 --> 00:11:01,482 Will it matter? 162 00:11:01,812 --> 00:11:05,502 And if you don't see that it's going to matter and affect your 163 00:11:05,507 --> 00:11:08,502 life, then it's gotta be a no. 164 00:11:08,532 --> 00:11:08,952 Right? 165 00:11:08,957 --> 00:11:14,232 So it's something that's got to matter to you and to your long-term, 166 00:11:14,412 --> 00:11:17,622 life goals, path, journey, whatever you want to call it. 167 00:11:17,622 --> 00:11:21,672 So is it going to actually matter? 168 00:11:21,785 --> 00:11:26,765 And number five, am I being appreciated for doing this or am I 169 00:11:26,765 --> 00:11:29,465 kind of being used for doing this? 170 00:11:29,675 --> 00:11:32,075 So that is one you have to ask yourself. 171 00:11:32,105 --> 00:11:34,265 And if you're volunteering, things like that. 172 00:11:34,505 --> 00:11:38,465 You don't do it necessarily for the recognition, I guess some 173 00:11:38,465 --> 00:11:40,865 people do, but you're doing it because your heart's in it. 174 00:11:41,315 --> 00:11:43,895 But will you be appreciated? 175 00:11:43,910 --> 00:11:48,230 For doing it, and if people are asking you to do something to take advantage 176 00:11:48,230 --> 00:11:52,370 of you because you're a yes person or because maybe you have a talent 177 00:11:52,370 --> 00:11:57,140 that can help with this, if you're not going to be appreciated for what 178 00:11:57,140 --> 00:11:59,720 you're doing, then it needs to be a no. 179 00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:03,890 So people need to be appreciative of what you're giving up. 180 00:12:04,071 --> 00:12:08,031 So I hope these five little questions resonate with you. 181 00:12:08,091 --> 00:12:13,071 If you really have trouble saying, no, you're a people pleaser like me, 182 00:12:13,071 --> 00:12:16,671 and you're just always feel like you have to say yes and not let people 183 00:12:16,671 --> 00:12:22,371 down and not disappoint them, but use those five questions to really make 184 00:12:22,371 --> 00:12:29,001 sure that you and your family are your priority before you go extending and 185 00:12:29,001 --> 00:12:34,911 obligating yourself and your time to other things that are not aligned and 186 00:12:34,911 --> 00:12:40,191 are not the best use of your time and that you're not going to be appreciated. 187 00:12:40,578 --> 00:12:44,043 Thanks for watching and no more people pleasing.