well
hello all you beautiful people
you know what time it is
[Music]
ladies and gents
guys and dolls and everyone in between
gather round
get you something real nice to sip on
and comfy to slip on
because it's time
for smut club
here's your hosts chelsea and anna
[Music]
hello everyone hi everyone welcome to
smut club
i'm chelsea i'm hannah
and um today we have a
just a true treat really
treat for who
no one
so
y'all i was debating which books to
review and i was talking to chelsea
about it please ignore brandon chelsea's
pug who's having a moment um
i was debating which books to review and
i was talking to chelsea about it and i
briefly mentioned this book and she was
like i you have to do it
so
it's happening this book is called
scorpions mate
by susan trombley
and i have a lot of questions for susan
i have a lot of concerns for susan so
does brandon
so
well and so we haven't even made it into
this review yet but i can just tell you
it doesn't matter how you describe the
scorpion or his mate all i can think of
is the scorpion king
hey dwayne the rock johnson how are you
doing um and just like how great he was
in his mummy franchise spin-off and so
in my head dwayne the rock johnson
will be playing the scorpion in this
entire book this is not that but i do
think that imagining dwayne will be
helpful
and just a brief shout out dwayne if
you're listening
hit me up
so dwayne we love you my husband and i
put you on our family holiday christmas
card last year so like yeah yeah hit us
up we'd love we'd love to know what smut
you're into these days yeah
i mean make a request man we will review
it 100
or you can read it with us and we can
review it with you that is living the
dream
but unfortunately that's not what's
happening right now today it's just
hannah i'm reviewing
the scorpions mate yeah i'm gonna need
more wine for this
yeah
the two glasses i've had thus far will
not be sufficient
so
we have claire
who is our
female main character
she is a
oh
so like the way she describes herself
she is a little bit curvaceous
she has dyed her hair black the ends are
purple
she is giving off a sort of goth energy
like in my head it's very like hot topic
circa 2004 yes i would i would agree
with that
um and she is we open with her going on
a camping trip with her best friend and
her best friend's boyfriend
and
some dude whose name i don't remember
because he's not relevant
um who is basically like her blind date
for this camping trip
and he very clearly based on her
perception
um is kind of disappointed but also into
it
um
she is not a girl you take home to mom
essentially but he's like i'd be because
she's so edgy so edgy
but he's so edgy so edgy so emo
uh very seen and he's like i do that and
she's like yikes
like everybody thinks that i'm just like
down to clown because of my appearance
and i'm not
it's like okay honey well what are you
putting out in the world that everyone's
perception of you is that you're down to
clown like i'm not i i mean dress how
you want and like be who you want to be
and at the same time like
on some level
honey like okay
whatever
anyway
so
um she goes on this camping trip in the
the deserts of arizona her best friend
is obsessed with aliens and they're like
haha wouldn't it be so funny if we saw
ufo
spoiler alert
she gets abducted on the first night of
their stop
i love this already
yes so she is abducted by aliens on the
first night okay hannah i'm not gonna
lie i love joint review days because
it's really fun when we both read books
and to remember like what stood out to
each of us but i also love you review
days
because i truly
never know what's going to happen
neither do i yes so
she gets abducted she gets abducted
overnight on this camping trip and she
wakes up in a cell that's like all white
walls she's wearing this like hospital
gown thing i hate it when that happens
she's taken by these weird robots that
have no faces
um
to this lab where she's getting
experimented on basically she's being
tortured
my notes say lots of probe descriptions
so there's a lot of graphic description
of what is being done to her that
truly is horrifying and also at the same
time hilarious because of the context
um it's just ridiculous like so yeah all
right that snl sketch
close encounters where ryan gosling
keeps breaking character and kate
mckinnon is just like
so brilliant we don't deserve her yes um
that's when you are describing probing
i'm just imagining kate mckinnon
describing herself being probed
basically yes yeah okay
um and it's painful and it's a lot and
she loses time because she's in this
cell
and she does not know what the [ __ ] is
going on
and then she is put into this like
clear
box this i'm i'm imagining like
plexiglas but that's not what it is but
it's this like box of like clear box
in a larger room
um
and she sees something moving in the
shadows and she's like the [ __ ] is that
and i just want to make sure
i haven't missed something already
because i feel like there's a chance i
could have missed something already
she's human
yes yeah yeah she's completely human
she's completely human
and she is like oh what
the [ __ ] is that moving in the shadows
and this thing
comes out of the shadows and it
is
oh i forgot to mention so when she's on
this camping trip she sees a scorpion
and the guy she's with is like we should
kill it and she's like no scorpions are
great you just have to respect them
they're beautiful they're very
interesting like leave it alone it'll be
fine it's not here to hurt you
um
which is a bit of a spoiler alert
because
this creature that comes out of the
shadows
um is very scorpion-esque
so it has uh pincers and it has four
arms it has this humanoid face
it has wings
and it is described as looking like a
ninja warrior with this like body plate
armor
i just imagine a scorpion competing on
american ninja warrior yes okay yeah yes
so then she is sitting in this box and
she's like huddled in the corner
watching this thing come towards her
and she gets this whiff of something and
she's like what is that smell
um and it is apparently pheromones
because she gets wicked turned on in
this interaction but she's also
terrified
um
she's like what the [ __ ] is happening
there's lots of descriptions of peaked
nipples which is just whatever
whatever
um like honestly the first time you're
like i get it and i feel like there are
some authors that they're like hey
we like we get it
the nipples are hard please stop
describing these nipples as erect like
please if there's one request i could
make to these authors but please also
don't say
my nipples could cut glass right because
i really
that's a weird one it is i don't enjoy
it
i don't think it's sexual at all no
it's like when they say like my dick as
hard as granite it's like no it's not
like just stop i feel like there are so
many books that describe dicks as like
soft velvet covering cold marble yes or
like like uh velvet covered steel yes
i'm like all of them with with the
perfect mushroom head
anyway
so she's pretty terrified
this dude doesn't have a mushroom head
because he's a scorpion
we don't see his penis in this
interaction oh my bad i'm really jumping
the gun here you are slow down
so the alien is like super fixated on
her and tries to break into the box
and so it like loses its [ __ ] and is
like beating on the box
and she's like oh
okay
um and
then other alien
creatures that look sort of like dogs
are released into the larger room
and the other alien
fights them off apparently trying to
protect her
and then wait how do we know that he's
protected we will find out okay
so she like she sees him doing this but
she doesn't really know why yes this is
from her perspective okay and so she is
basically hauled out as the scorpion
alien is incapacitated by
some kind of like cattle prod kind of
situation
um
and then we switch to the aliens
perspective his name is apparently thrax
um
question i just want to make sure i
heard that correctly
t h
o r
a x or t h r a x y i don't know why
that's worse
i mean thorax is a a a
description of a body part but thrax is
just a sound that you make when you like
stub your toe when you're trying not to
say bad words threats exactly
it is an exclamation not a name but
whatever
we're asked to believe a lot in this
book and frankly the name is the least
of our concerns at this juncture
so thrax
is our alien
person
he knows from the scent that he picks up
from the human
um that she is his mate he's like that's
the one she smells great
he calls the
uh
researchers and the scientists in this
apparent research facility soft meats
no
yes
i feel like that's going to be my
response to a lot of this it's just
going to maybe
be me going
yeah no
no no no no we're not doing
that but we are
so thrax is referring to these other
ones as soft meets um he basically views
everything as either prey or competition
for prey
everything that he does
so
he is super ragey that they took his
mate from him and he's like where is she
what are they doing to her i need her
back
it really feels like a lot has happened
and nothing has happened
yes yeah you're correct does she have
any idea she's his mate or she just
thought he smelled nice too
she just thought he smelled nice okay
yeah and she's into it
um but also not because she's like what
is that because he has four arms and
pinchers
yes so
um
my notes say turns out he's a giant
scorpion that's been genetically
modified
so apparently the people who are or the
aliens who are running this research
facility
um are trying to make super soldiers and
so they captured him from his home
planet
and genetically modified him to be more
humanoid
and to be able to communicate more
effectively and
now he walks on two legs and has two
arms instead of being like or four arms
i mean instead of being like a scorpion
um
he also has a translator that they
implanted into him so that he can
communicate both with the scientists and
with claire so when he is all ragey that
they took his mate from him the lead
scientist whose name is ilian
is like
bro
she's scared of you right now so you
need to calm down and if you really want
to like get at that
you're going to need to simmer down and
learn to communicate
because up to this point thrax has
refused to communicate with the
scientists he understands that but he
refuses to speak okay
yeah because he's real pissed
and they're like unless you start
communicating your translator is not
going to calibrate and your mate is
going to continue to be terrified of you
so you're going to need to simmer down
so
i don't remember the segway for this we
switch back to claire's uh
perspective
she
is thinking about i guess her past
turns out she is a clothing designer she
does like cosplay and special effects
type stuff
um and does
rave dancing my notes have rave dancing
with a question mark apparently she has
like a channel on youtube where she does
like rave club
type dancing i just imagine that one
video of all of the scene people under
the bridge dancing
you know what i'm talking about okay i
do know what you're talking about but i
was also
thinking of
honestly someone i never even met i
don't even remember who was telling me
about them but they just like had
someone in their life
who
was really into like the rave dancing
and had the gloves for it yes and like
like the light up gloves they could do
all like the fun hand things but i just
remember that person also like
having like
a 40 gallon fish tank
and being way too into their fish that
is claire's energy um
yes so that's kind of like that's the
mental image i was coming into this with
that is claire's energy so um she then
talks to
a
blue skinned
female alien
who has
elfin ears
but otherwise looks human
um
who tells her about this alien research
project that she has been
um
abducted into yeah she's gonna say
recruited but she wasn't she
was abducted into
um and i am recalling our very first
episode when we debated abducted versus
kidnapping this is definitely an
abduction
you know
so um
again i
i just reread this you guys like i just
finished it last night and i still
can't tell you how we got here but at
some point she gets strapped into a
chair
and electrocuted i guess because she was
being like non-compliant um oh and i
forgot she she does not talk to this
blue skinned alien
in person like face to face she talks to
them through the robots that are her
only
contact
like
are the robots like her personal
assistant i'm i'm confused are they just
like her like are her friends robots
i don't think they're
friends i think they're like
i imagine them
like those faceless
droid things on that one episode of
doctor who and i know that they've had
other like iterations in other
movies like in that one with will smith
whatever the [ __ ] that one was
i i robot
yes
i imagine them like that like they don't
really have a face and they're like
white
whatever
um that's essentially how they're
described
so then
um
once again
she is in one of those clear plexi glass
situations in the same chair where she
was electrocuted
we switch back to thorax's point of view
he sees her through the window
he does not understand that he's horny
he was like i'm hungry but i don't want
to eat i don't understand what is
happening right now
that's so weird
my groin plate
feels
tight
no
[Music]
yup my groin plate wow also what a
incredible poppin of the pee you just
did
like wow damn you're welcome i've been
training my whole life for that
so
yeah so
so he's covered in these armor plates he
doesn't wear clothes he has these armor
plates all over his body that protect
his
innards i don't know his soft bits if
you will
i mean i don't love the term soft bits
either but essentially like they won't
be soft for long well his spoilers
or sorry
and like his
his organs is that the word i mean he
has like skin essentially underneath
yeah
he is not humanoid y'all like he is very
much like 100
alien
so it's very difficult to like
picture what is supposed to be happening
i'm just picturing a scorpion with the
rock's face
yes i thought we were all in agreement
here that's the one
so he is put into the room he sees her
through the glass thing he knows that
she's in
the like electrocution chair thing
no she's gonna be hurt no she's gonna be
tortured
um one of the
um researchers
speaks to him like through speakers in
the ceiling and is like listen
you have this allotted time to destroy
mech droids which is what the alien
robot things are called mechs
he has an allotted time to destroy these
mechs or
his mate is going to be tortured for his
incompetence
okay so wait
when
she was abducted did they already know
it was his mate no
so they just like abducted a female and
then just like luck would have it
well we'll find out later they abducted
a lot of females
trying to to what end trying to get him
to mate with one of them
oh so they were all abducted on his
behalf yes well that was thoughtful of
them it was something
so
he
lips his [ __ ] like flips his ever-loving
mind because he does not want her to be
injured he does not want her to be hurt
he's super ragey that they would even
threaten such a thing
and so he he does destroy all of the
robots in the allotted time and the
scientists are like god damn dude like
we did not expect you to be successful
we fully expected to be torturing your
mate right now and we're super excited
that you did that
because i guess like he they'd been
testing his speed and his agility all of
this time
and
he was pretty good but he would
sometimes get bored and essentially like
play with
whatever they put they they
gave him
he would kind of play with it because he
was bored but this time he was like no
no no no one is hurting my mate and like
destroys all of them
okay i was just thinking about scorpion
mating habits
because i thought scorpions like killed
and ate their mates like i know like
scorpion cannibalism is a thing that's
praying mantises no it's not
we'll get there don't worry about it
like we'll get into it oh no it's
present okay
i'm just like sitting there i'm like i'm
just like i think i'm really thinking
through the logistics of him being
a scorpion
hybrid
person
we'll get there okay i'm really jumping
the gun i apologize
i'm just trying to understand in all
fairness
you can't
understand
like
you can't you're like you can sit here
and hypothesize for hours but you still
won't get there you can't okay so we
switch back to clear's point of view
um claire speaks to ilyan who winds out
he is the lead researcher at this
facility
and he tells her basically that thrax
was um
he was abducted from his home planet
and genetically modified to be a super
soldier because
this race of aliens is trying to
protect themselves from another race of
aliens who's trying to like take over
the universe or something
and um
they need her
to breed with this alien scorpion alien
to create more super soldiers and she's
like the [ __ ]
um
what
she's like no it just really feels like
they're very presumptuous on everyone's
willingness to help their cause and he's
super gaslighty she's like no i i'm not
i don't want to do that and he's like so
you would doom an entire race
because you're unwilling
to let us use your womb
and she's like yes she's like well now
that you ask absolutely i'm willing to
doom an entire race yes she's like when
you put it that way uh [ __ ] off oh
that's why i'm here
no thank you
like yes [ __ ]
exactly alien
is that a name
[Music]
i mean it is now
kind of like wendy became a name in
peter pan yes um alien became
yeah like no offense to people i feel
like there's one like
killian
yeah
like this is just alien
and so he looks just like the blue
skinned
female researcher that she saw
previously but he has green skin and
wings
um which will be relevant later so
um the robot
thing
she's it like in
a two-way mirror situation and she can
see thrax while alien is talking to her
ilian is not in the same room as her
she's never she does not interact with
anyone except for the robots and thrax
through this whole thing
so she can see thrax through this window
he
loses his [ __ ] and tries to break the
window and so the robots haul her out
and then my notes just say she's
tortured some more
how is she tortured
do we know so what do i wanna know so
previously she was probed and it was
horrible yes the probing and then she
was electrocuted in the chair
and like other
medical tests were run on her that she
did not consent to
and then in this instance they took her
basically to shower
but they like
it was
described really in a horrifying way
where they like ripped off her hospital
gown and like put alien gloop on her
head
i don't know
i mean
i'm gonna say the look on your face is
saying desperately please don't ask me
what alien gloop is
like there's some kind of cleanser i
don't know
i don't like body wash because she was
in the shower i guess but it was like
all-purpose and so they put it on her
hair
and she's like do aliens not know about
[ __ ] conditioner jesus
so
um so then they're like cool you did a
great job with your shower
so now
we have knocked thrax out with like this
knockout gas and we are gonna put you in
his cell and she's like excuse me
and ilian is like i suggest that you get
familiar with and become comfortable
with his body because you're about to
get real used to it so you might as well
do it while he's unconscious so that you
can feel more what
yeah [ __ ]
like
i'm not about the lack of consent in
this book there's no consent anywhere
well actually that's not true like it
comes later but like
alien does not know the meaning of the
word he's like consent i don't know her
like
poker i hardly know her
that is how i heard you saying that
exactly
um
but here's the thing no one is
consenting like
hey we knocked him out
you better familiarize yourself with his
body
yeah i'm
this is some energy i'm not here for
i'm not here for any of it
but
but we're very deep in this so we're
gonna keep going all the way in it so we
are gonna keep going
so she she's put into this like habitat
that is
sort of made out to be like a desert
and
the ceiling is made to look like the
night sky
and so she's like wandering around and
she eventually finds him under this like
rock crevice thing and so she goes in
and she's like looking at him
so he's in a zoo exhibit that they put
her in basically
and once again his scent makes her super
horny
to the point
hannah i don't know why you sound
shocked by this i mean
i don't know if shocked is the word
oh god
so
she is so turned on at this point she
does not notice when he wakes up
so
how how
i'm sorry
i have you ever been so turned on in
your life that you
lose awareness of the space around you
not to that extent no oh damn i want
that story
at a later date
if my mother-in-law listens to this
i don't want to have more explaining too
yeah i don't that might not be an on-air
story
or it'll be an extra episode story it'll
be a patreon story thanks for your
subscription
incredible anyway
so
we switched to thrax's point of view
and he wakes up and
it actually says when we're still in
claire's point of view
that go ahead fill it up okay yeah sorry
guys i need to fill my wine because
i didn't think i would need more wine
but now that we're in this review i i do
need it in case you're wondering what
i'm drinking it's the nighthawk black
bourbon barrel aged cab
by boat a box um it's delicious it's one
of my favorites you should entirely try
it we're not sponsored by botobox it'd
be cooler if we were and here's the
sound of a boat a box
being poured into a wine glass
that's the stuff
nailed it
so thrax wakes up
he grabs her because she's like right up
next to him and and he's like
then i'm overwhelmed like at first he
could smell her arousal which again like
this happens in a lot of these books
where they describe like the scent of
arousal and i'm like
that's
kind of gross honestly in this one at
least it's paranormal so i'll give them
some more credit but just like the
normal human books
and they're like i got so turned on when
i walked into the room and smelled her
arousal and i'm like
you're a doctor yeah like you should not
be able to smell that is she okay
probably not like i'm like
well
you put your face up in there because i
would not
i mean claire is not okay you know
so he grabs her
and then
initially he smells the scent of
whatever and then he's overwhelmed by
the smell of her fear and he's like oh
no no
my mate cannot be afraid we don't like
that so he lets her go and she stumbles
back and toes
or just like away away from him away
from him and he grabs her again because
she almost falls into
these
poisonous
cacti i don't [ __ ] know
but this is where we find out that thrax
apparently has
some kind of foresight
like he's a psychic
yeah but he can only see like a few
seconds ahead which helps him in a lot
of the fights that he's in
he can sense things
i'm like is he just deducing what's
gonna happen
whatever
so he grabs her to prevent her from
falling into these spikes
and would they kill her yes okay um
however thorax can produce
all kinds of different venom
oh
yeah
so i mean he he is a super
not spy a super
soldier that's the word i was going for
super soldier
so
he's like super horny
and he considers like pinning her down
and just like going for it but his
foresight shows him her
turning her face away from him and and
crying and he's like
no maybe i shouldn't sexually assault my
mate yeah he's like i don't okay like
that
that's good insight thrax really good
job everybody proud of you so happy for
you
so he stops and releases her and then um
but stays close to her to prevent her
from like potentially hurting herself
because apparently his habitat is a
[ __ ] death trap it sounds it so
um
then we switch back to claire's point of
view
claire again just super horny like
that's basically the
theme
is just super horny
um
and
he is he explains to her how he was
taken from his home planet
and genetically modified
he calls it the before time and the now
time so the before time before he was
abducted and then now time when after he
has been
uh modified
and
she said tells him that she's sorry and
he's like why
would you apologize
and she's like because that's really sad
like i'm sorry that that happened to you
and he's like i
don't
get it
so my notes literally say she tries to
explain empathy thrax does not compute
does not get it he does not understand
he's like what
are you doing
to the point where she starts to cry
for him and he's like you are leaking
salt and that
is a vital nutrient
why are you leaking salt so she tries to
explain tears and again
again my notes say thrax does not
compute he does not understand tears
he's like this is a vital nutrient you
need to stop that
because it's important like does thrax
understand any emotions outside of anger
no okay
we'll get there okay well i'm like
therapist chelsea's just like well anger
it's a secondary emotion
i'm like let's talk about our anger
icebergs y'all what's underneath it
so um
she then starts making out with racks
because he's like holding her to keep
her safe from her his death trap of a
habitat
and so she starts kissing him
and she feels a seam on his face that we
will get into later and she's like this
is weird but i'm into it and he's like
this is nice
and
so they're making out
and i don't remember
i i think she pulls away because she's
like i should probably stop because
there are obviously cameras in here and
i'm not trying to
make a kim kardashian style tape right
now sexy cat just part of my man
i literally listened to that yesterday
yesterday i listened to sexy can i by
raging ray j the classic
oh no
let me go and get my camera
because girl how you shake it
it's a kodak for me anyway
i'm so sorry so then
um
they start talking more and she
talks a little bit about her
friends and her life from before
um she was supporting herself
making clothing and costumes for people
and making her rave dancing videos
and
um talks about her mom a little bit
and she's like do you have parents thrax
and he's like i had a
[Music]
creator or something i don't remember
the word he used he's like i killed him
and ate him
and she's like
yeah because scorpion cannibalism is a
so yeah so he
he tells her that he kills his parent
and ate them and she's like jesus christ
she's like um
[Music]
what
is happening right now she's like for
all the times that my mother pissed me
off the thoughts of killing her and
eating her never
occurred to me you know that one just
never was on my to-do list no never
crossed my mind really
so
um
then
the scientists send in
pray
as
thrax calls them
um
i guess to test him so they send in four
aliens to try to attack him
he stashes her in
a bathroom that is immediately off of
his habitat
and he calls it
the the bright room or something it's
like the only space that has
a light
that's not
the fake sky
i don't know
so she's hiding in the bathroom we
switched to thrax's point of view
um he is trying to protect her he
realizes that they can
smell her
and these aliens have like spikes on
their back and scales all over their
body
and he's familiar with them and his
translator can translate their
language and so
he can hear them talking about like he's
over there like stay on my left and
whatever
so he's trying to protect her
he realizes that one of them
has scented claire and is getting closer
to
the bathroom where she's hiding
and
so he tries to protect her
he kills one of the aliens but he fails
at killing the others and is hit by
their venom from their spikes
and so he my notes literally say thrax
fights four aliens to protect claire
fails
that's all it says
so um
claire then one of the aliens opens the
bat the door to the bathroom where she's
hiding she can see thrax
fighting sees him go down she freaks out
and so she tries to protect thrax
and my notes say claire tries to protect
thrax also fails
[Laughter]
she's unsuccessful
um and in the book she's like this was
not my
wisest but like he's supposed to be a
super soldier
yeah but he's distracted by claire
aren't they all
right apparently because they can all
center so yes so this is one of those
situations where like because it's her
mate she smells like particularly nice
to him or is this one where like
everyone is just like
that aroused by her no it's because he
she's his mate okay yeah but she does
smell good or smells at least
different as a human so they're like
what's left that's kind of nice
okay fair enough so
then one of the the researchers send in
the robot things um to like break up the
fight because obviously they put a lot
of time and energy into thrax and so
they don't want him to be killed so
they're like this was a test and he
failed but we don't want him killed
because we still need him exactly and
they're like we don't want anything bad
to happen to claire because we need him
to bang her so we can have their babies
so
one of the spiky aliens
grabs claire and hides her from the
droids as they're fighting
and hands her this scrap of paper
and he's trying to communicate with her
but she has no idea what he's saying but
he does protect her essentially and
gives her this piece of paper and she's
like i don't know what this is but okay
so the robots come out they take out the
prey
um thorax wakes up so because of his
body chemistry i don't know
he's able to break down
venoms and poisons and things like that
so he breaks down whatever
venom is in the
the spiky alien spikes and
wakes up
and he
um takes one of the robot arms because
it lights up when
they
need it to to show them which direction
to go
and so he
essentially busts out of his habitat
takes clair with him and they wind up in
these sewer tunnels that are like
underneath the
research facility
and the way that i'm imagining it it's
like an underground river or something
because there are a lot of
eels
in the water
and it smells really bad
do eels smell really bad or just because
it's underground or it's just like a
sewer thing i don't know i really i
it smells bad and they're evil i feel
like this is yet another situation where
i'm like i have a lot of questions and
i'm not going to get
any answers on this journey not a single
one like i want to know where the [ __ ]
these eels came from like this is a
manufactured
waterway apparently so where are these
eels from whatever
so florida
so fun fact
one of my co-workers
who i often enjoy
razzing and bantering with
we
i told him that he was really dramatic
and he was like what and i was like yes
you are and so is brandon and so is my
dog
so i was like yeah you are super
dramatic and he's like no
and then he goes hold up hold up hold up
he's from south georgia he's like now
if you had to choose one word
to describe me
what word would you choose
and i was like you just proved my point
that you're [ __ ] dramatic but i was
like i would say
multifaceted
[Laughter]
[Music]
and he was like i don't like that i
don't like that at all because i
consider myself a very simple person i'm
a very simple man and i was like okay
what word would you choose to describe
me well well i'm also kind of like okay
so what word did you want us to choose
for you is really the question at play
so i was like okay but what word would
you use to describe me and he goes you
have one guess and for the last three
weeks or so since he found out that i'm
originally from florida he's just
constantly like as a floridian and asks
me a stupid question
so he's like you have one guess
about what word i would choose
and i was like is it florida and he goes
yes and i was like i have now lived out
of the state of florida longer than i
lived in it and he goes it doesn't
matter you could take the florida out of
the girl or the girl out of florida but
you could never take the floor all right
well [ __ ] this guy
i am not a fan
um
i mean here's the thing
and i mean this is the highest
compliment i can mean it and i think
you'll take it as such when i met you
hannah i never would have guessed you
were from florida
and i can only hope when you met me you
thought the same right correct i would
not have guessed that no no like you
would have been like [ __ ] she's sending
off some real panhandle energy right now
oh no
like this [ __ ] just screams tampa like
no
damn if i were going to scream a place
it would be tampa
oh [ __ ] i hate it so much like
oh [ __ ] you don't though thank you i
really appreciate that and that's also
no offense
to everyone i love who still lives in
tampa you're all wonderful magical
beautiful people
um and i'm from central florida which
arguably is worse
yes i mean no part of it is good
i'm not gonna show you i'm not gonna
give you accolades i'm not gonna say
it's not as bad it's worse
yeah at least i grew up coastal
yeah you did
and now all i can think of is the a day
to remember song the city of ocala
i have friends who still live in hocala
and i have friends that made it out of
ocala and have said i can't wait to get
married and have children so i can
settle back down
in ocala no no no no
or the other a day to remember song
because they are nothing if not hometown
boys
um all signs point to fort lauderdale
right i hate this town
it's so washed up
and all my friends are so [ __ ] up
that is real life
yeah i also listened to that song
yesterday my playlist was a mess
what playlist were you listening to i
just shuffled my [ __ ] oh i was gonna say
was that a daily mix because i feel like
well so here's the problem and
i need to tweet at spotify about this
and hope i can get some traction
um the problem with spotify is i will
frequently put music on that i'm like
this is great just like a background
while i'm listening
or like while i'm reading my book and i
want some background like piano music or
something super instrumental right
but it's also not something that i would
be like oh
this is in my repertoire of music that
like i enjoy
and i gotta tell you
my
like
2021 year end recap
was the hottest of messes because i was
like why is this so sad and dramatic and
just like instrumental piano and i
realized i'm like oh because it came off
of my like reading music playlist yeah
so it would go between like
i don't know
d smoke or
the new
i don't know there was a lot of music
that dropped last year like chica or d
smoke or someone like that to like this
like really sad piano music
and then i'm like this is not a playlist
i want to listen to so i wouldn't want
to listen to my like year-end recap so
what i would really love is if spotify
could create
like a work mode
so that way it would exclude like oh if
i turn this on then i can listen to this
and like you won't put this in chelsea's
frequently listened to right
it's a huge first world problem i
recognize that this does not matter no
at all
so
i would love for it to happen but if it
doesn't
i'm not going to complain because the
world has enough that's actually going
on but i don't need to pretend like this
is an issue
fair enough
hey there's my puppies
we'll get you right back to the show in
just a moment
but first
do you like us
maybe even
love us
cause we sure love you
and if you do love us
don't tease us
tell us in those ratings and reviews
wherever you're listening right now
maybe even send us over to a special
sexy someone that would enjoy getting
smutty with us
because you know the first rule of smug
club
is to talk about smut club
alright
i won't keep you any longer
let's get back to the show
honestly i don't even remember
where we were at we were shooting
so thrax catches some of the eels and
eats them and his face
like splits apart
wait what
like oh this seam in his face that she
had felt yes
yeah like splits apart and like that's
how he eats
yes his real mouth is underneath it and
she's like i am going to vomit so wait
like
in my head he had a human face like he
had he was dwayne the rock johnson on a
scorpion body and then when he ate the
eels he had an eel face underneath
dwayne the rock johnson basically yeah
so he has like a scorpion face
underneath his his humanoid face okay i
was right and so it splits apart so that
he can eat and she's like
holy
what no that is a completely
valid reaction yeah she's like i was
ready to ride that and now i'm concerned
and i was like now we're concerned
now this was the turning point for you
girl
respect yourself
now
okay whatever
so she's freaking out we then switch to
clear thrax's point of view he does not
understand why she's freaking out he's
very concerned that she's not eating
he's trying to feed her
this eel and she's like i am not into
raw seafood
thank you though
i'm good
and she's like i
uh
i can go a little while without eating
and like pat's her tummy and he's like
you'll wither if you don't eat and she's
like i could i could do with some
withering and he's like
no
you could not like so what i hear a
saying is like she's like every female
character and all of these books where
she's like i'm a little overweight i
have a few extra pounds i'd like to lose
and the dude's like
i want to rail her into next week
and she's like if only i
were three pounds lighter yeah okay it's
like those soft curves drive me mad but
he doesn't know
human things about the soft curves he
just knows that he's into that girl
this is the time to take advantage of
the situation well hold please oh no now
i'm nervous
i should never i think every comment i
make in this book i i speak too soon i
don't need to just shut my mouth so
thrax is like i have to find a way to
feed her and he can create as previously
stated all these different like venoms
and things like that and he's like i
could make her
food
right
that she could take essentially from my
body
and here i'm thinking like from your
stingers
because
when
they were
making out in the habitat i forgot to
mention
she um was kind of feeling him up a
little bit and he's like do not touch me
there and she's like whoa what sorry
sorry
um because he has these plates
that activate his stingers um
yeah you should avoid those yes and
apparently he can create different kinds
of venom and one of the kinds
is for
pleasure and she's like why
would you have that pleasure venom yeah
and he's like also in my head venom
assumes poison
well and i think i'm wrong on that i
mean it is kind of because he's like
well sometimes i want to keep my food
fresh and it's easier if they're
compliant so this feels really good so
they'll stick around and she's like
i'm also feeling like what the [ __ ]
i actually have wtf in my notes so
well
now i'm just wondering about like
never mind i was gonna go in on a
secretion of tangent but we can avoid
that yeah well then he goes on in his
mind thinking about how he can create
this
food
irrationalness protein shake yes
and he's like it can come from
essentially
the the um
what the soft meats gave me right so he
did not previously have a penis so he is
referring to his penis and i'm like
food via
bj so
she
he so he will ejaculate
his erogenous protein shake yes for her
yes what a giver
so thoughtful
so
she
so
he's like you need to rest you know
you're you're softer than me like you
need to rest and so
they hold up basically in this little
alcove in the sewer she falls asleep she
wakes up
um and
he is like you have to eat something and
so he offers her the eel again and she's
like
i would sooner take a bite out of you
then eat that and he's like funny you
should be
he's like funny you should mention that
he's like i made a gift for you and
she's like a what a gift a gift
she's like you did a what
he's like i made a gift for you
and she's like okay
and so he removes his groin plate
i hate this book
oh god why susan why
yeah so he removes his groin plate
and apparently he has a
slit in which i hate that word i hate
the word slit it's like
like moist and slit are just up there
you know what i mean especially together
yeah no i hate it
so
she he removes his groin plate and she's
like okay because an alien penis pops
out of this
slit
and he has a weird dick there's a lot of
description of some kind of weird like
i mean did she think it would look human
i don't know what she thought but
there's some kind of like weird cilia
like little things on the end and
it's really weird
and she's like it looks like there's
pre-cum on the end and he like collects
it on his finger and puts it in her
mouth and she's like that's the most
delicious thing that i have ever
experienced i hate everything about this
it gets worse so she
provides a nutritional bj
and again it is the best thing that she
has ever tasted
and she gets so turned on by this that
she's like did you drug me like what the
[ __ ] is happening does he say yes i did
drug you he's like what are you talking
about
but i thought
there was an irrationalist aspect to it
apparently because then they bang so
it's a standing up situation
he
picks her up and she
mounts
and
he is super still and she's like do you
not need to to like thrust
well first he tells her to stop with the
bj he's like you have to stop or i'm
gonna spill my seed
because he's already given her the gift
that he made
oh the gift wasn't his seed that was in
addition to no
she even says like i've heard that line
before about how it's like a complete
nutritional supplement
and he's like what and she's like don't
worry about it so no i remember having
this conversation with some co-workers
when i lived in nashville oh no and
we're talking about like yeah when
people are like there's protein in there
and my co-worker
was like yeah you know my husband tried
that line on me i told him to put it in
my smoothie and i drink it every morning
that's excellent and i really respected
her hustle on that one i'm like good for
you
that is essentially what's happening
only she's getting the smoothie from the
source
i hate this so much
but i know we are happy to do this i did
tell you to do it and i'm honestly so
glad you are because now i don't i'm not
gonna read this one i would not
recommend
so
they bang and she's like do you not need
to thrust and he's like no i can release
my seed whenever you want me to but i
want to provide you pleasure and she's
like okay well you're i need you to
thrust yeah so he does and she's like no
no no no no no
too far
[Laughter]
so she's like coaching him on how to do
everything and then
she's like that's amazing i mean this is
gonna sound really silly but i kind of
appreciate that that it wasn't as though
they just like hopped in and like what
is clearly an outlandish plot line and
they're like
and we just jumped in and had the most
amazing sex like honestly the best thing
that's ever happened i appreciate that
they're like
it took a while to figure out the
anatomical differences we were bringing
to the table he had a little too much to
give
so
they bang she comes he comes it's all
great well so she comes and then she's
like you can release your seed now and
he's like okay
so then
was he that unenthused
no he was super into it oh okay he was
like i did not know that it would feel
like this and when she
when he gave her his gift
she was like he was like holy [ __ ] like
i did not know
this was gonna feel like a game changer
i'm into that
so
then they make their way down these
tunnels he says that he knows of um
uh something
[Music]
that will take them to the sky and she's
like
a spaceship and he's like no
she's like an elevator and he's like yes
and she's like cool
let's go do that
like let's go get the [ __ ] out of here
so it that's where the robot arm that he
took comes into play so he's using it to
find this elevator
so eventually they find um
some a sign that he translates as saying
like custodial quarters
and they find several bodies in this
room
and he's like i mean i can clear out the
bodies and we can stay here
and she's like
no thank you let's keep looking
so they do and then they eventually find
like the lead custodian quarters and
there's a bed and a couch and stuff and
so
she cleans it up he is continuing to eat
these eels so that he can make her
supplements
and there is such a giver we we're
loving thrax's altruistic she's here to
provide for his mate you know
um so again thank you brandon brandon
agrees on our assessment about threats
my notes just say more slurp in the
gherkin
so
there are more nutritional bj's
provided was that all right i have to
ask was slurping the gherkin your
terminology or was that yeah no it
wasn't in the book that was just mine
and i'm really sorry for it
so
never apologize for that
i mean unless it's your mother-in-law
listening to this episode and then i am
also sorry
listen dina if you've made it to this
episode you already got through the
morning glory one with all of the
hand-drawn euphemisms so i feel like you
jerking like slurping the gherkins
probably like one of the least
horrifying things very valid i've heard
thus far so
um she is super into the fact that he
just comes on command because she can
just ride it as long as she wants until
she comes
and apparently he does this vibrating
thing when he's turned on and so
um my notes say vibrating doodle
again
those words were not used in the book
slurping the gherkin and vibrating
doodle were not
mentioned
in the book the scorpions mate yeah they
were just mentioned by hannah on smut
club when referencing the book
because honestly
there are just only so many ways to say
[ __ ] until it's like jesus christ and
you're like no we get it
it's still happening
it is a lot
well how else is she going
to keep her curves exactly and
apparently it's also enough hydration
like she doesn't need to drink water she
doesn't need to like do anything except
for
he has a magic semen
yeah
or rather magic pre-cum because he can
still ejaculate yeah i don't want to
overthink this but i'm already there so
i apologize to everyone i'm so sorry
so then
um she decides that she wants to see his
real mouth which previously had freaked
her out and he knew that it freaked her
out and so he's like no
you won't like me anymore if you see it
and she's like no i do really like you
and i want to know all the parts of you
which i'm like are you not familiar
enough with his vibrating penis that we
need to see that
so
i just have she asked to see his real
mouth wtf page 181. because it's just so
much and actually oh my god hold up hold
up hold up
i just remembered i had a note
from
the um
uh the nutritional bj that apparently i
felt was important enough and i just
remembered that i had made this note so
hold on let me pull it up
okay okay
so this is when he's deciding how he's
going to provide her nutrition
it says
there was another way that i could feed
her producing nutrients within my own
body to replenish the ones that she
required i had no problem eating
whatever was available and could
translate the extra flesh into nutrition
for her i could then give it to her the
same way i would give her my seed my
groin plate pulsed at the idea imagining
her lips closed
closing around that part of me made me
nearly frantic with need
honestly hannah
i could have survived without that
direct quote
you couldn't
if i had to know it you had to know it
and i i'm gonna do you a favor and not
pull up page 181 where she describes his
mouth no he's doing this do it read his
mouth now we're here
okay i guess his scorpion mouth not his
humanoid mouth right yeah okay
mouth just wanted to make sure i had his
mouth type right
so
um he's he continues to refer to anyone
that is not claire as soft meets and
she's like that has to stop
okay
that's weird and gross
and so she's constantly reminding him
not to say that humans are not soft meat
i mean we are but we just don't like the
terminology no we're not into that so he
calls them the soft ones
so
um he does open his plates for her
um
and so she watches they're like
essentially plates that move and she
asks a lot of questions about how
they're attached and blah blah blah and
he's like
my mandibles retract
um pulling back the plates
and this is new he was not originally
like this when he was genetically
modified they did this and so she's like
does it hurt
and he's like when it did at first it
did but not anymore
and then um
she says like will you open will you
open it for me
um
and so
again he's like you won't like it you
won't like me anymore and she's like no
please let me see
and so he does
and then
his it says
his lower fla his lower face split in
half spreading and pulling back to
reveal his true mouth
and so then she's freaking out
and she is trying to not
show disgust
and it says his palate had a split into
falling back against his mandible plates
revealing the soft pink flesh of his
inner mouth where his tongue lay thick
and long against his lower plate and as
i watched the two
things that i can't pronounce
cholesterol
protruded
from inside his throat their claws
their claw edges serrated and sharp as
sharks teeth
what imagery
we
have
wow
okay what happens next i think we just
like we gotta
yeah we'll just move on
so
um
uh she's like i
like it anyway and kisses his weird
mouth
and he's like cool
and then she tells him that he has got
to slow down on the sex because he's
like into it all the time and she's like
please stop and he's like you don't you
don't want me anymore and she's like no
i'm i'm just sore jesus christ like it's
like i just legitimately need time to
recover before we go again
okay
so she's like i'm only human
he's like i don't get it i can smell
your arousal and she's like i want you
all the time but that doesn't mean i can
[ __ ] you all the time like
simmer down
and she feels like she's very practical
for a human who's been abducted
she is she really is so um
he's like okay so one thing that if i'm
gonna give credit anywhere in here i
will give credit to thrax because when
she says things like that he's like
okay like once she explains he's like
all right whatever it takes to make you
happy i can do that and so he slows down
it's all good
and then she decides she wants to
venture out of what they call their nest
which is these custodial quarters that
she cleaned up and she
like found a jumpsuit that she altered
to fit herself so she would have
something to wear and things like that
because lest we forget she is a clothing
designer
and also a rave dancer and so
she decides finally to venture out of
the nest and go with him while he is
fishing for these eels
and while they're out there she's
looking in the water and she sees a face
in oh
the sewer tunnel and so she is like what
the [ __ ] and he's like i don't sense
anything except for the eels because he
has these heightened senses and he's
like i don't sense anything and she's
like you think i'm lying to you and he's
like no i don't think you're lying i
just don't sense anything
and then
a tentacled creature pops out of the
sewer
and grabs thrax and pulls him into the
sewer
oh [ __ ]
plot twist
octopus
yeah
you know what's really sad about this oh
no like really sad about this whole
thing
is this book
has more plot than most of the books
that we have reviewed oh i hate
everything about that but you are also
not wrong
so i mean it's not a good plot but it is
there what do you mean it's a great plot
thrax was just abducted by an octopus
after he was abducted
by
some scientists and turned into a super
soldier yeah
so in their discussion of empathy and
all these different things as they're
getting to know each other claire had
encouraged him to consider making
friends and he's like what the [ __ ] is a
friend and she's like okay if you're not
into friends at least make allies like
people that can help when you're in
trouble and he's like i can take care of
myself and she's like just try to make a
[ __ ] ally dude like calm down
so
turns out this tentacled creature takes
him to another alcove area and he starts
talking to
this thing
and it turns out that this is another
experiment that had escaped from the lab
and his name is neiman
and so um thrash is his last name marcus
no but it'd be a lot cooler if it were
you're right
so i don't think he has last name so
um
thorax is talking to neiman and he's
like you have to take me back to my mate
and he's like why would i do that i've
been down here for years and i'm super
lonely
be my friend which i think of him as
like old greg
you know like he kidnapped somebody and
he's like
you want to see something cool
like
why are you like this so weird
so
thrax does eventually take talk him into
taking him back to claire
and they agree to be allies and the guy
the neiman guy is a loose term here
neiman is like why would i do that
and he's like well
i have a mate and she's pretty amazing
and i have to get back to her and
neiman's like if you have a mate do i
have a mate and he's like
off i'll find you one i don't know maybe
bro let's introduce you to some hoes
yeah he's like i'll i'll find you a mate
let's go he's like as long as you let me
go back to my mate i will find you a
mate as well exactly
um neiman does have a book that i've
also read and continue to deeply regret
so
are we gonna review that one at some
point i don't know if i can do it oh
it's that bad
i mean none of it is good
so
thrax promises neiman a mate and he
agrees to take him back um and uh talks
neiman into assisting with their escape
so neiman it turns out
is like a super genius because obviously
octopi are super geniuses
and so he is able to like tap into the
computer network that keeps all the cell
doors closed
um
so
claire has been recaptured she believes
that thrax is dead like she's pretty
certain that thrax is dead
um alien is like oh well that really
sucks we'll just mate you to somebody
else
you're not pregnant oh she did get her
period at one point while they were in
the
nest
whatever
um and she's kind of relieved because
she does not want these scientists to
take her baby
so then
um ilian says they'll just mate her to
somebody else
if thrax is dead
and um
that she is not pregnant and part of the
reason why is because apparently she had
some kind of like
blockage or issue or something that they
have now resolved
so you didn't consider potential
infertility issues
well so that's part of it where he's
like it was missed in your initial exam
and he's like super salty because
apparently one of his underlings [ __ ]
up
um and they knew where claire and thrax
were the entire time they were just
hoping that she would return preggers
they were waiting for him to leave her
alone so they could take her back and
see if she was pregnant
so then
thrax gets back to the nest and he flips
the [ __ ] out because claire is gone
um and he that scrap of paper that the
spiky alien gave claire she kept it that
whole time and so he picks it up because
it smells like her and decides to take
it with him
um
and neiman is like let's do this [ __ ]
let's get the [ __ ] out of here i [ __ ]
with neyman i mean uh of the two
nieman is my
preference i don't know if president is
the woman
feels like
um
okay what was the nick cage movie
national treasure yeah like justin
bartha the sidekick like that's how i'm
imagining neiman it's just justin bartha
a national treasure kind of yes okay um
so neiman is like bet let's do this [ __ ]
you promised me a mate
let's do it
so ilian
explains to her that explains to claire
so we've switched back to claire's point
of view alien explains to claire oh i
forgot it also turns out that neiman is
the one that killed all of the
custodians that they found in the
tunnels
he was like i tried to talk to them and
like be friends with them and they tried
to kill me so i killed them neyman i
know
he's so misunderstood he really is so
um
claire in talking to ilyan finds out
that it is aliens dna that was used to
modify
thrax oh
he used his own dna for that and also
she learns at some point i don't really
remember when but at some point she
learns
that the this race of aliens the erode
erudians i've not used that word because
it's not really relevant but this race
of aliens essentially
um the males have this what they
consider defect where
if they
scent their mate they become obsessed
and the women do not experience anything
that is reciprocated
and so which is like
so the men avoid women or the females of
their species at all costs essentially
because they don't want to become like
obsessed with someone
um and so who doesn't reciprocate
exactly and they have tried to
um
breed this out of themselves and tried
to like genetically modify it out of
themselves they've been unsuccessful in
that
so claire learns all of this as alien is
talking to her
um and then
new chapter
claire is sitting in a cell again she's
been captured she believes sax is dead
so she's mourning his loss
and then all the cell doors open and
she's like what
and like all the lights go out
it's super creepy
so she like pokes her head out in the
hallway she's like hello
and she finds some other humans like
three other humans that have also been
abducted what a nice surprise i know
one of them is super traumatized like
she has clearly been
really significantly tortured and she's
having a hard time um but they try to
protect her they're trying to like move
to figure out what the hell is going on
and how to get out so then um thrax and
neyman find
them
um and they're fighting all of these
robots or whatever to get out
um and neiman
picks up the
woman who is super traumatized and like
pulls her into his tentacles so they
can't see her anymore and the other
humans are like holy [ __ ] he ate her
and he's like please mind your business
i'm protecting her thank you
um i love neiman so much right now i
know it just seems so pure i should have
just reviewed his book instead of all
this [ __ ] so then
they're working on escaping and they
find like a door to the outside but they
are having trouble getting it open
neiman is working on it but it's like
they're having a hard time
so then
alien's voice comes over the intercom
and he's like
um
the
my bosses essentially are going to
nuke the [ __ ] out of this lab
because we've lost control of the
subjects like they're on their way to
blow it up
um i'm the only one who can open that
door to get out
and so claire is like um excuse me
and he's like i need to talk to claire
and she's like excuse me
anthrax is like hard no you're not going
to be alone in a room with him thanks
i support riax's decision well claire
does not so she slips into the room
where ilian is and he seals the door and
as soon as she steps in he like takes a
big breath and he's like oh my god
you're my mate
and she's like
excuse me
and he's like it was my dna
yup it was my dna that modified thrax so
i should have known
that it was going to be you
that's why we've never been in the same
room
with any of the subjects because we can
imprint essentially on any species and
so
that's why i've never been in the room
with any of our subjects because i
didn't want this to happen
and she's like well
i'm your mate do you want me to die
because if you don't open that door
we're all gonna die
and thrax is like banging on the door
trying to get it open
and she's like we're all gonna die
unless you open that [ __ ] door and
he's like
i'm gonna stay here i'm gonna open the
door i want you to escape it's enough
for me to know that my mate is safe and
she's like you literally electrocuted me
you dumb [ __ ]
he's like i'm really not into you yeah
but if that's what i need to say to get
the [ __ ] out of here i will yeah so
he is like
bet
opens the door to like the control room
lets her out
they hear the door the outer door open
and then they hear a big bang and it is
assumed that alien kills himself after
he frees her
um
so then
they the door opens and there are a lot
of spiky aliens wearing armor outside
the door
and they're like oh [ __ ]
so they are then taken onto the spiky
alien ship
yeah
and that scrap of paper
turns out to be really important because
on the scrap of paper are a list of
names and they are the names of the um
soldiers that were essentially prisons
prisoners of war
of this alien race
and so when claire gives them the paper
they're like we are forever in debt to
you because you told us
where our men were our people yeah who
they were and even though they're not
alive anymore man this book has so many
twists and turns i just know so many
coming so many they're like we're
forever in debt to you um we have the
ability to take you home
and she's like
home you say
and thrax is like listen if we have to
go back to earth like i guess i'll go
with you
i can just like live
how the [ __ ] is thrax gonna survive on
earth does he have legs for pants
he does
but
the rest of him under a giant scorpion's
like under his genital plates she has
like super pan
yes and so
she is like i mean honestly i could
parade him down the street and i would
just get awards for best cosplay like
nobody would believe that i have an
alien living with me
but also i don't want thrax to live that
way and i don't want potentially like
the government or somebody to come take
him from me
so
no i'm not going home i'm choosing to
leave my friends and family and my
career as a
clothing designer and rave dancer
behind
so the other offer from the spiky aliens
is to settle in one of their colonies
and
um thrax and claire are like that sounds
great and so they make a home
thrax starts farming he doesn't realize
that he's farming
but he like captures prey and breeds
them and keeps them alive like he
provides them care
until he's ready to eat them and she's
like you are a farmer and he's like i
don't know what you're saying to me but
okay
she's like it doesn't matter what i'm
saying to you because you're still a
farmer yeah okay and she also some of
the like creatures on this planet she
decides are her pets and he's like what
and she's like you can't eat these ones
and he's like why and she's like because
they're my they're mine and he's like oh
okay i
like does not compute i don't understand
okay but whatever makes you happy this
sounds a lot like my roommate in grad
school
because
my roommate in grad school married a
popcorn farmer from nebraska stop and
while that popcorn farming is a thing
yeah girl i guess you're just a corn
farmer
i was gonna say i didn't realize it was
a special kind of corn no they like
his family if i'm remembering correctly
like actually like you could get like
their family like popcorn brand i could
be misremembering this honestly i don't
i don't fully remember but i do remember
walking into our apartment one day and
my roommate being like chelsea we like
they were engaged at the time and she
was like we have pet cows now and he's
like baby i've told you they are not
pets they will be slaughtered for food
and it's best if you don't name them and
get attached to them
and she's like we have pet cows and he's
like we do not have pet cows we have
food food
very similar situation yes but thrax is
like whatever makes you happy baby like
i don't know if i can know so
um does thrax have a back i mean yes he
has a scorpion back but i'm not going to
dispute that with the story but i'm like
it really seems like he's like whatever
you want claire
basically like he just wants to make her
happy ultimately
and so he does work on his empathy
he and threat he and neiman do wind up
becoming friends
neiman does find a mate who also lives
in this new colony but that comes in the
second book but it is mentioned in the
epilogue
so
um in the epilogue thrax is like claire
has been really weird lately like i feel
like everything i do makes her mad i
don't understand
and she's hungry all the time and
i don't and i can only give her so many
nutritional blow jobs
right so he walks in from hunting
and she has all these rules about what
he is and isn't allowed to eat right
and so he because some things are pets
and so he walks
home and she he walks in the door and
she's like thank [ __ ] you're home with
food thank you and she like takes it and
starts to cook it which he also doesn't
understand he's like why would you
scorch that
like just eat it
um
but she's like why don't you ever eat
with me and he's like you don't like it
when i eat in front of you you feel like
it's too messy
and she's like we never spend any time
together and she's like crying so what i
hear are saying is she's pregnant yeah
yeah yeah so
then she's like i'm just hungry all the
time and she like her stomach rumbles
and she's like feel that and like takes
his one of his clasper hands i didn't
mention that before because it didn't
feel necessary but it does now she takes
one of his clasper hands and puts it on
her belly and she's like feel that and
he's like i did feel a fluttering and
she's he's like what is that
and she's like
that's our baby my love and he says as
the humans would say oh [ __ ]
is that how the book ends no it flashes
forward to claire after she delivers the
baby in some kind of medical facility
that the spiky aliens have on their
colony
and the baby has four arms
and
but is soft like her doesn't have any
baby yeah with forearms it doesn't have
any plates but they don't know if she
will potentially the baby's a girl they
don't know if the baby will eventually
develop plates or like what's gonna
happen
um
but
thrax
says so so in thrax's experience
the young slaughter the parents for
territory and so he was initially like
big yikes but then he's like oh well
this
this offspring is part of claire and so
i will treasure it the same way i
treasure claire
and so he's very happy and that's the
end of the book
so like if we were to do a really short
summary of this book
claire
goes camping
gets abducted yep finds her mate yep
they make it out of the facility yep and
make
a hybrid child yeah the end yeah
so what's our rating scale for this book
[ __ ] protein shakes
oh i hate that we both thought of it
i'm gonna say
like
[Music]
two out of five protein shakes
yeah i'm not gonna go against you
on that
but are they like [ __ ] protein shakes
or just normal protein shakes because
that's a difference at this point
it doesn't
okay so like two out of five no matter
what kind of shake it's still gonna stay
two out of five at this point nothing
matters
i think i just slammed my notebook you
really did
play dramatic fashion
um yeah so two out of five
[ __ ] protein shakes i think is
appropriate
um
i mean it feels generous but honestly i
feel like
one and a half of those stars are for
neyman
100
like neiman is really the show stopper
of this world that's not even his book
now i feel like i have to review
neiman's book
only if you want to
and maybe with more wine
no
you're like i really and here's the
thing if you're like i can't bring
myself to do that i don't fault you
thank you
so maybe
much like j.s scott's books will be
reviewed in the future we will come back
to neiman's book in the future yeah
we'll take a break from susan thank you
honey
for your effort so
two out of five protein
blow job shakes do without what you will
and potentially nothing at all and
potentially nothing at all so
it sounds as though hannah read that one
so none of us have to and we really
thank you for your service
because i don't i don't think i'm gonna
pick that one up after this but i'm glad
that i know what happened yeah so i can
still have an educated book club
conversation about i mean i do
appreciate that because this is often a
thankless job so i appreciate you
recognizing the sacrifice
that's been made
thank you all for joining us
we're so glad you're here
and we can't wait to see you next time
have a good night thanks y'all
next week on smut club oh no i just
remember
when milisha was on punkt
and she did not handle that
no she didn't
no she that was not a good look on her
like some people like i feel like punk
was really the make or break like are
they gonna take it in stride or are they
gonna show out she showed
she really did
well that's it for this week's mud [ __ ]
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[Music]
you