WEBVTT

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Matt Abrahams: Getting
your voice heard is hard.

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My name is Matt Abrahams, and I
teach Strategic Communication at

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Stanford Graduate School of Business.

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Welcome to this Quick Thinks, Ask
Matt Anything episode of Think

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Fast Talk Smart, the podcast.

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I recently held another AMA in our Think
Fast Talk Smart Learning Community.

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As usual, it was lively and fun.

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Listen in as I answer questions
about wedging comments into

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conversations, giving feedback
to a superior, and much more.

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Well, hello everybody.

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Thank you for joining me for this
month's Ask Matt Anything, AMA, and I

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love to see all the questions that are
coming in, so let's jump right into it.

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I have a question here that's asking,
"I have something to say in a meeting,

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but there's so much going on all
at once. How do I get my point in?

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How do I insert my point of view?"
And this can be very challenging.

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I totally understand.

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I call this, actually, wedging.

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We wanna make sure that we wedge our
point of view into the conversation,

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but we wanna do so in a timely manner.

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I know I've been there thinking about,
"How do I say what I wanna say?"

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And then the conversation has
moved beyond my contribution.

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So we do really need to get in and get
in quick, but how do we do it so we

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don't look overly assertive or rude?

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To my mind, there are really three
ways to do this, and I hope one

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of these three ways will help you.

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First, you can ask a question.

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So as the conversation is going
along and you wanna insert your

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point of view, lead with a question.

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"I'm curious, how would we…"
or, "I'm curious, what does

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this mean?" So a question is a
great way to initially wedge.

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A second way to wedge, and any of you
who've listened to me know I'm a big

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fan of paraphrasing, take some key
concept that somebody has mentioned,

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name it, and then give your contribution.

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So imagine you're in the midst of
a meeting where people are talking

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about expenses and finances.

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You might say, "Cost is really
important, and in fact, one element

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is." So by labeling cost, you are
summarizing what you have just heard,

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and then you add your point to it.

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So in addition to leveraging questions,
you can also use paraphrasing

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to get your point of view in.

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Finally, you can lead with an emotion.

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You can say something like, "I'm concerned
about." Or, "That's very exciting."

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When people hear an emotion, they'll
stop, and they'll, they wanna hear more.

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So you have questions, paraphrasing,
and emotion as a way to lead.

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Now, you need to know what you wanna
say before you wedge your comment in,

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and a great way to do that, or at least
the way I do it, is I'll say to myself,

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the bottom line of what I wanna say is.

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So before I, I wedge my content
into the conversation, I'm thinking

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about what is the specifics I
wanna say, so I am ready to go.

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If I jump in and I'm wandering and
meandering, one, it'll be disappointing

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to everybody and perhaps confusing,
and it might set me up for the next

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time I want to do that in a position
or way I don't want it to be.

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So take the time to use one
of these wedging techniques.

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I hope that helps, and
thank you for the question.

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That was a very useful question.

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Another question that came in is actually
about listening and, and you know

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that, uh, listening is very important
and very important to me and a skill

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that I am still actively working on.

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And the question is: What do you do
when you get emotional about what's

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being said, either excited, concerned,
upset, sad, and yet you need to listen?

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Well, first and foremost, acknowledge
and allow those emotions to come.

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A lot of the times, if this is a
really important topic, we can be

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trying to quell those emotions or put
them aside and, and that's not good.

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The emotions are there and they're
real, and you need to acknowledge

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them, but they can interfere.

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So a couple things.

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One, if you find yourself getting
very emotional, either positively or

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negatively, and you believe it's going to
impact the interaction, the communication,

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the session, whatever you're doing, I
believe what's really important to do

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is call it and just say, "Hey, you know,
this is bringing up a lot for me." You

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don't need to name your emotion because
that might trigger or upset somebody else.

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Just say, "This is
bringing up a lot for me.

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I want to take a moment or two of
a break," or, "Let's reschedule

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the meeting," or, "Let me come
back to you in a little bit."

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So give yourself a little bit of space
by just calling it without naming it.

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Similarly, by the way, and I'm going to
come back to more about handling emotion,

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if somebody else is displaying emotion,
you don't want to label their emotion.

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You don't want to say, "Oh, you seem
frustrated." And they might say, "Oh

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no, I'm not frustrated, I'm angry,"
and now they're even more angry.

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So instead of labeling the emotion, you
can say, "I can see this is bringing

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up a lot for you," or, "I hear your
passion," or, "This clearly is concerning

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to you." So I'm acknowledging that I'm
seeing the emotion, feeling that emotion

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from them, but I am not labeling it.

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All right, so what do you do
again when you get emotional?

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So one is give yourself
a little bit of space.

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That is, call time out
or, or take some distance.

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The other thing you can do is
psychologically distance yourself, and

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this comes from the work in mindfulness.

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Many of you have heard of mindfulness.

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Several of you have probably studied
mindfulness, but this notion of

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acknowledging the emotion you're feeling.

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So you might say, "This is me feeling
frustrated," or, "This is me feeling

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excited." And in so doing, you give
yourself a little bit of psychological

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distance where you can then act upon it.

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So rather than getting swept away with the
emotion, when you say, "Hey, this is me

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feeling this way," that can help as well.

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And then finally, get into your body.

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So in that moment where you're starting to
feel upset, excited, concerned, whatever

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it is, feel the ground with your feet.

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Touch an object.

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I'm touching the desk in front of me.

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That can bring us back into our
bodies and out of maybe that emotional

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spinning that's happening, so it
brings us back into the present.

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And certainly, deep breathing can help.

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So very common to have emotion
play out in our communication.

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And when we're trying to listen and
listen well, it can be an interference.

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It's a form of noise
that can get in the way.

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That said, there are things we can do.

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We can acknowledge it, announce it, and
give ourselves a little bit of a pause.

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We can give ourselves distance by
recognizing to ourselves, "This is how

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I'm feeling." And we can ground ourselves.

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So those are ways to do it.

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Now, after the fact or even before
the situation, I'm a big fan of

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journaling or speaking it out
with a loved one or trusted other.

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So emotion does enlarge.

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It's part of being human.

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It serves a purpose, but you
don't want it to interfere with

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the communication you're having.

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All right, I think this
will be our last question.

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This question I think we've
all been in this situation.

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This person has a superior, a
boss, who is not taking the time to

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listen or to consider other people,
putting a lot of pressure on and

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really trying to drive initiative.

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How do you give feedback to a superior
when they are your superior and

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they're really driving, driving,
pushing, pushing their agenda?

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What can you do?

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Well, first and foremost, this
is challenging, but unfortunately

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for many of us, common.

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And a few things I'd suggest.

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One, when you are trying to give
feedback to a superior, a great

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approach is to reward the positive.

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So if, in fact, at some point, they
demonstrate the behaviors that you are

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hoping for, or at least not demonstrating
the behaviors that you would prefer

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they not do, you can reward it.

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So after the fact, after the meeting,
go up to the person, call the person,

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send them an email, whatever, and just
say, "I was really appreciative of how

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we heard from everybody in the meeting
this time," or, "I really liked how

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we decided to act on whoever's idea.

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That was really cool and I think
really helpful." So you're not saying,

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"Hey, it was great that you shut up
and let somebody else do the work,"

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or, "Gee, it was really fantastic
that finally you didn't do this."

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No, you're just rewarding the positive,
and many of us will hear that as leaders.

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We want to be rewarded.

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It's nice to be rewarded.

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That kindergarten self of us
likes the star for the day.

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So one way to deal with this situation is
to look for the positive and reward it.

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Another way to do this is own it.

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Own it from your perspective.

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So instead of saying, "You're doing
this wrong," or, "When you do this,

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it really causes this for me,"
say, "I am somebody who needs this.

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You know, it's really important
for me when I do the work I do to

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consider as many options as possible.

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So I'm wondering if in our meetings we
can hear other opinions or have lots

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of choices, 'cause that really helps
me process and more deeply understand."

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A manager's job, a boss's job is to
be in service of you, to help you

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in some way help them achieve their
goals, the group's goals, et cetera.

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So if you come to them with something
that will help you help them or help the

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group, it should open up the door to at
least them considering what you're saying.

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And finally, if those two ways
don't work, I think you just have

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an honest conversation, but I would
start from saying, "Hey, it's been

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really helpful when you've given
me some feedback on these things."

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Be very specific.

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"And I'm curious if you'd be open
to me sharing something that I

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think could really help me and
others." So it's an invitation for

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them to be open to your feedback.

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Don't just come in and say, "Gosh,
it really frustrates me when…" You

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need to have these conversations.

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This kind of frustration can be
really harmful for your own psyche.

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It can really ruin your motivation at
work, put a lot of stress and pressure.

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A great thing to do is practice this.

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Find a trusted other, maybe even use
an AI tool and just speak it out.

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You know, the Coach AI tool
is great for this purpose.

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In fact, this is one of its major use
cases, is to talk to it, say, "This is

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the situation, here's what I'm thinking
of saying," and have it play back for you.

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Well, these have been really great
questions in our Ask Matt Anything, AMA.

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Thank you to all of you who joined.

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There were many other questions.

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I, I certainly will be
responding to them in some way.

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But thank you for taking the time.

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Thank you for being part of the Learning
Community, and I really look forward

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to hearing how you do in these very
challenging communication situations.

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So with that, have a great day.

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I look forward to seeing you in
our upcoming author talk, as well

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as some of our upcoming quests.

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Thank you so much.

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Thank you for joining us for another
Quick Thinks AMA episode of Think

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Fast, Talk Smart, the podcast.

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To learn more on a variety of
communication topics, check out our

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extensive back catalog of episodes on your
favorite player or at fastersmarter.io.

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This episode was produced by Katherine
Reed, Ryan Campos, and me, Matt Abrahams.

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Our music is from Floyd Wonder.

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With special thanks to the
Podium Podcast Company.

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