Welcome adventurers to Probability of Demise, the podcast where critical fumbles meet critical facepalms. Join us as we delve into the darkest dungeons, slay the stupidest gremlins, and roll enough ones to make a beholder weep. Forget epic storylines and heroic deeds. Here we celebrate the chaotic beauty of bad roles, questionable decisions, and characters with more charisma than sense.

We'll be your dungeon masters of disappointment, guiding you through campaigns where the only guaranteed treasure is a mountain of laughter, and maybe some psychic scarring. So grab your nat 1 dice, strap on your anxiety helmets, and prepare to witness the glorious trainwreck that is our D&D journey.

Because, in the end, it's Even if your character dies face first into a pile of pudding, at least you'll have the Dice God's permission to laugh your ass off.

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Word of the Day! That's me! Hello! I am Word of the Day. Um, no, I'm Jessica. Um,

don't laugh at me. So. Welcome once again to our wonderful heroes who are watching our podcast and or, and or listening, you know, you never know. Uh, today, once again, we are here embarking on the wonderful word of the day. Uh, this enchanting segment is once again brought to you by the mystical D100 bought by Jason.

Jason. Um, and today we are going to yet again uncover a brand new word, uh, to bolster your vocabulary list. Uh, so. And possibly give you all DM inspiration if you just use it. So ready your minds. Yeah, we're really good. We're good at that part. And prepare to weave today's word into your very own tales that you can tell with your friends.

Uh, so I have already rolled the dice and today we have rolled on. Five. Very exciting number. Cool. Single digit. A single digit. And today's word is neophyte. A neophyte is a person who has just started to learn, just started learning, or just started doing something new. Um, it, uh, Used as a sentence, the seasoned wizard took the neophyte under his wing, teaching him the basics of spellcasting and potion making.

It is spelled N E O P H Y T E.

What's colloquially known in the gaming community as a noob. Yeah. Synonyms include, Nope,

me. Sorry, I just had a momentary, like remounting re re remounting. What have you been up to today, Eric? I, I, I'm having brain catching up moments here. Okay. So welcome back. Welcome back to. The land, the city of Overton, uh, and our, the completion of our first exploration of a dungeon. Last time, the investigators Kind of left the Temple of Peril, they faced a great challenge as the temple itself had an explosion of some sort, which released the foul potions that were in that main laboratory space and they started to mist off and down a stream, the end location of which remains an unknown.

Um, but that explosion kind of rocked those ancient corridors and then. Through this process and a desire not to wander through, um, caustic substances, they, our investigators chose to delve deeply into a stairwell that goes quite, quite a distance. But this was, of course, after, uh, exploding the boat of the cultists seeking to escape.

So, with the fumes threatening to overwhelm the city possibly, or something else, the three of you have made your way down to the bottom of this stairwell, set up camp possibly, and taken a long rest if you would have liked to. Up to you all to decide if that's what you would want to do first.

All right, so you are encamped deep beneath the surface, far from the warmth of the sun, um, here in the perpetual gloom of this subterranean location previously connected to the, um, temple. Possibly still connected, but, uh, there is a small matter of some poisonous mist being up there, possibly being a problem.

Uh, And while, uh, Seraphina did leave her construct behind to bash down the walls and eventually close that off, you don't know exactly how long that will take. Maybe it's already happened, maybe it won't happen for a couple of hours, who knows? It's kind of one of those big question marks that nobody's going to be there to see it happen because if a, uh, steel automaton breaks a wall and nobody's there to hear it, did it actually happen?

We don't know. We don't know. Um, at the center of your encampment you have a little small bonfire, uh, it's not really a bonfire but it's small. Uh, shadows are cast, leaping in, cavorting amongst the craggy surfaces of this underground space. You're huddled around it for a little bit of warmth, it is cold down here.

What plans have ye?

Um,

does it, does this appear to be like the Underdark or is this just like A little bit under, under 10. Roll a survival check.

C'mon dice, you hated me last week, don't hate me this week.

Still hate me this week. That is, uh, an 11.

The shape of the passageway, and even what they're made of, does remind you of you weren't there for the one direction trip, but you were there for the return trip. Through the catacombs that connected two of the other temples in this general vicinity, actually more in the traditional gods temples areas.

They seem to be structured the same way as the tunnel that, after being resurrected, you were brought through. Okay, so we're in a tunnel, or we're in a temple.

Yes.

You rolled an 11. You got what you got.

Okay. Um, how's, how's my sense of familiarity to it, though. How's my sense of direction under here? Um,

you are a deep gnome, and honestly, I think you'd be more likely to lose your sense of direction in the surface areas. Um, here. I say, go ahead and roll with advantage a survival check. Your intention is to figure out like what direction to try to head?

For the advantage, because one of those was a natural one, the other one is a 17. 17. Um, kind of looking around the space and just the shape of this.

You feel like you're probably at the level of Underton itself. Uh, you're not, I mean, Underton goes up and down. It's, that's the glories of an underground space is that you can have and exist on multiple levels. Uh, so you're not so far deep that you would be in what is considered the Underdark. You are fairly certain that these stairs Uh, it must have been bricked away at some point or at some location.

So as you explore and navigate, you might find a lot of dead ends, but being a deep gnome and kind of just feeling the wind pressure in these spaces, uh, you do figure out that there's one direction that if you were on the surface, you might be able to go in what you think is the direction of Ulua's place.

And make progress to some Underton, uh, locations. So, I would say you're pretty well oriented, but you are aware that there are a couple of passageways that seem to be either blocked by doors, cave in, or other. I think that we should go that way.

I'm fairly confident. Why? Why should we go that way? Uh, I think Ulua's house is generally in that direction.

Okay. Then this is me.

The air smells a little cleaner. I mean, technically, I do also have Keen Mind. So, I should know which way north is, right? Um, with Keen Mind, yes, you would know which way north is. Um, That's really the only thing that Keen Mind would give you, I think. It doesn't say anything else, right? Right? It doesn't, like, give you a sense of what elevation you're at or anything else like that?

Uh, no. Uh, just which way is north, number of hours left before the next sunrise or sunset. And you can accurately recall anything that you have seen or heard within the past month. Okay, yeah. Uh, the next sunrise is here. So, based on what direction we were facing And what directions we went, I would at least know what direction my house is in.

Mmhmm. Okay. So, is Gus correct? Yes. Based on the fact that I have keep my okay. And I look at him and I go, you're right!

Lots of, lots of exposition just for that! You know what? You're right. And you, you're always right. You have a face I can trust. Let's do it. I guess we will go this way. All right, we will head that way. The three of you heading We'll slay the gang of hook horrors. Something. Oh, we're not that far now. Um, you make your way We should definitely articulate that better.

Hook horrors. About a big gang of hook whores. How are you going about your, your travels? Just lackadaisically. No, I think we're like rushing probably because we probably want to get back up to the surface and back around to see what happened outside the temple. Yeah, that makes perfect sense to me in this situation.

Uh, yeah, you, you rushed forward and, the first few corridors that you come to, there's like corridors. This is like a really long abandoned area, um, and I think that that probably, well, it's just, you're not seeing much and the Underton area is pretty busy. So it might actually cause you a little bit of concern, but eventually you come out to a broad open, uh, um, pathway and you can see On the other side of it, the glimmering lights of some of the Underten civilization, but there's a dark expanse between you and there, and

A fine dark expanse.

How far across? Uh, it looks like, based on the twinkling of the light, um, quite a distance, maybe a couple of kilometers. Too far for a misty step, huh? Yes, too far for a misty step.

So there's water between us and the Yeah, it's uh, the dark expanse as you're standing there and looking over at the lights and seeing them reflected. You can make out that it's a dark lake. Do I know anything about lake monsters in Underton?

Probably a lot. What would you like to roll to recall and think about what might be, um,

Animal handling, animal handling. All right. Go ahead and roll that. I dunno, I'm just throwing out something. I have a decent bonus in. I can, I can roll like history if you want. No, I'll, I just changed the DC based on what you're doing.

11.

Um, as you stare at this water, um. Far from the light of day, it's just this inky, inky black lake stretching out into the darkness. You start thinking about the things that live in the perpetual gloom of subterranean depths. You try to think of like what could be here, what could be living in here that we should be worried about.

You begin to see a phosphorescent glow deep in the lake.

First just small concentric rings kind of marring the perfectness of the mirror, but ripples begin. They grow in size and intensity until the entire lake seems to be shuddering. You can see across the way lights being put out quickly.

And I would love for you to roll out, anybody who would like to, or is paying attention to this. To roll a perception check. Oh, me, me, me. One moment. When you sent shuttering. All I could think of was this. I know you just look.

Oh, you said perception? ced,

man. Ooh, 16.

16. Okay. Sorry. That's my boob.

I don't see shit. Twenty four. What? Wow! What do you have, uh, Gus? Eight. Well rounded group of numbers. Gus and Ulua, your attention is taken away from the lake as you look up and you can hear cheering at the other side of the lake. The lights are going out, but the people of Underton are celebrating something.

I'm offended that I was grouped in with someone that I rolled twice as high as. Yeah, you didn't roll high enough. Seraphina. I literally rolled the average of our three numbers. You, you look up for a moment, but even as you look up, your attention is drawn back down and you can see You know how like when you look into still water, although this isn't still water, and you see an object under the surface and that helps you then see other objects under the surface as your eyes adjust to that optical illusion that is created by the surface of the water looking like all you can see and then you can suddenly like, Oh, that's a plant.

And that's a fish. You have that moment. And but your moment isn't Oh, that's a fish. It's a colossal serpentine form. Sliding underneath the waters, and you can see individual scales as large as your head. Horns included. Just across this body. And the last glimpse you get as this form swims towards the other shore.

It's that of multiple beady black eyes, eyes that are devoid of warmth or mercy, the dead eyes of a shark. But so many of them.

Seraphina, you're the only one that sees this. Um, is it swimming in like an aggressive manner or is it just kind of like going about its life? It has moved quite quickly and out of sight quickly. Towards the other shore, where people are cheering, and where the lights have been turned off. Been in the process of being turned off.

Or turned off. I'm gonna look at the other two and go, There's a, there's a big ass fish in there. Like, big. That's a big fish! Ha ha ha! I just messaged Jason that, that's why I'm laughing! Jason's muted, so a long time inside joke with Larissa. Yeah. That's a big fish. I just, I just messaged it to him and he said there's a big fish.

Sorry. Okay. Oh. Okay.

Oh. Okay, so like, this big and I hold my arms out for like a five foot span. Yeah, and then I'm going to take her hands and adjust it to the size of a scale. And then I'm gonna go, that's one of its scales. And how big is that, again? As big as her head, horns included.

I look at Crest and I go, does that, does that sound like any fish you know? Big ass fish. Brats of unusual size? Can I roll a history check to see if I know anything about big, like, blowy fish? Sure. Come on, dice, let's go. I'll put it together. Nat 20!

You just, you just, you just had to, just had to yell at him. Okay, well, large fish aren't your speciality. Um, you, as you're, kind of like, racking your brain here. One might say I'm a bit of a neophyte when it comes to fish. Early in your career, and um, This memory is actually shared with Ulua, as the other ones have been.

Um, Oh, that's still going on. Yes. Good. Great. Awesome. This memory ends up becoming a shared experience. Um, you do remember there was a community in Underton that were really upset about losing their guardian. And the, uh, issue with monster control. analogous to an animal control, uh, getting them a new guardian and how, um, they had achieved their goal of getting their new guardian.

Um, and as you kind of look around, you think that this body of water might be the same if that community over there is the same community, it might be the same lake that you remember being mentioned in one of the reports. You didn't have to deal with it directly. Maybe it wasn't part of your Bureau, your investigation, your.

But it was like a line item update at roll call in the morning or something within natural 20 this random factoid burbles forth in your brain. Um, add that to that. Uh, as you're experiencing that memory, you have the smell of stale coffee and just old police station.

A lot of pipe smoke.

So does that mean it's a good fish or a bad fish? Are you a good fish? Or a bad fish? Ah, I'm mad tonight. Um,

so, the working theory here then from that memory is that it's the guardian of those people across the way.

Possibly you remember hearing about this story. Is there like a, like a password that I can yell at the fish to safely get across? I can't recall anything in the reports, but it was young and when it was brought in, it was transported in a small wagon.

I'm just going to like go to the edge of the water and like look down for the fish. I think it's a guardian fish for the village, but I don't know if that means it will or will not eat us.

How high is the ceiling? Um, on the end of your end, you know, the, the, the arch of this particular opening is, um, Not a particularly steep angle. So as you kind of look over and you can see to the other side, eventually it gets to like 30 feet high, 40 feet high, maybe. Um, but you're at kind of like the 10 foot height.

What is the summoning range of your broom?

That's a good question.

One mile.

That's pretty good distance. The problem is, Brooke, that the lake is one to two kilometers, so somewhere in the middle of that is one mile, right? No. Kilometers is shorter. Yes, but a mile is between one and two kilometers, so. I said a couple of kilometers, yeah. Oh, I see what you're saying.

So the broom can't fly with all three of us on it. Can it fly with two of us on it? Uh, depends. Depends. It depends on how much Gus weighs and how much Seraphina weighs. Geez, I don't know.

Google, how much does Seraphina weigh? It should be in your, um, traits. Features and traits. Really? I mean, it would be, no, it would be under You have to add it yourself, though. Yeah, it's something you put in. But yeah, there is like a There's a range that tieflings have. And yeah, okay. So the smallest would be one 40.

Okay. And how much does, uh, the biggest deep, no, what you carried with you? Plus all my stuff, man, I'm way a lot. I don't want to say a number out loud. Seraphina is embarrassed by her number. Why? She has a lot of stuff.

I'm just wondering if I, if I ride the broom with one of them across and then come back for the other one, if I can take the other one across, but No. I don't think anybody, nobody would be able to ride with me.

Unless we're all naked. Probably still then, no. I think Gus is only like, what's he like, 35 pounds or something? He's not very Yeah, but your girl is curvy. That And Gus is carrying around a lot of stuff right now. But it's in his bag of holding. So my 400 pounds of books doesn't count, Rurik. You moved a lot of stuff around, though.

I remember you saying you were putting some other things in there. I did put some other stuff in my bag to make room for the books, it's true. Is this, um I mean, you could each, you could each go. One at a time. I mean, that makes a lot of sense, but, um Well, what if one of us goes and you can see if you Well, that's under 10 million.

To go there to get back. There's not another way? We could try to walk around the lake? Is there a way around? Uh, Go ahead and roll a survival check.

Do I have a spelly spell that would light up? No, I don't. Someone else roll a survival check. I mean, I guess That's an eight. I have a really good bonus. I just can't get a good roll on it. Is it easier for me to see with or without light? Light fades off at a distance. Eventually you have a vision that is limited by, um, distance as well.

So like none of you can truly see all the way across it, even with your dark visions, uh, cause your start divisions don't expand that far. Now, if you had a light that you could send. Across the water, you could see that light move, and as it moved, it would get smaller and smaller, and you'd have less and less chance of seeing what it's lighting up, but you would see the light.

Um, just like you can see the, I mean, I like to think of it as like, you climb up to the top of one of the buildings in New York City, and you look out over the city, and it's so beautiful. You see the closer buildings, you can see individual lights and individual windows, but then as you look further and further apart, you just see glows.

You can't tell which is window and which is just a glow.

Um.

I'm just going to start walking along the shore to see if there's, the lake starts to curve at any point because I don't know what else to do. Is he the only one that has? Oh, no, no, no. I, I grab, uh, Seraphina's hand because she can't see shit in the dark. Can't I? No, you're the only, you don't have darkvision, right?

No, I do. Do you have darkvision? Oh. Why am I thinking that? I have wonderful eyesight, but I let her take my hand and go, I can't see! I see nothing! Oh no! Please lead me! And I let her lead me. Why was it me in person that you, you couldn't see? Okay, well. Anywho. Um. So yes, you begin this march around the lake.

Okay. Casually pretending to trip at common times. Oh no. The uh, What about Roll a dexterity saving throw Seraphina. I can't do anything. I can't do anything. Hee hee hee hee hee hee Hee hee hee Jokes on you, I rolled well. He

Oh. Say, do not, do not. Nanny. Nanny. Boo boo. The dm

nanny boob boos. Turn into real boo boos.

I, I was wrong. It's not a good role.

how are you wrong? Because I, um, I saw something that looked like this , and I thought it was an 18 . It's a three. It's a three.

So that's going to be, um, eight total. Okay. You're fainting, uh, you're feigning this lack of coordination and in that practice of trying to slip, you slip. And as you slip, you slip. Rocks tumble down into the water. Pshh. Pshh. Do not disturb. Pshh. And you hear the crowd at the far side across the lake echo back with what sounds like a moan?

A groan? An uuuuuhhh.

And then the lake is alive with movement. An uuuuhhh. Looking out, you think you can almost see a tidal surge of water moving your way.

I grab both their hands and I go, run, run, run, run, run, run, run. I get away from the water. Is there a wall? Like, cave wall? Yeah, because you've been trying to circumnavigate it, you're up against it. You ended up up against it pretty quickly. So our back's against the wall, literally. Literally. Literally.

Literally. You can choose to run forward, which is a further distance, or run back, which is a shorter distance. Uh. You can choose to stay where you're at. You can choose to jump in the water. Yeah, that seems like a good idea. We're excited to jump in the water. Please. I'm gonna, I'm gonna, as she's pulling us both, I'm going to Oh.

Because she would be in the middle then. I'm going to, like, basically, like, angle it so that they're both in front of me. And I'm going to say, go, go, go, go, go, go, go! My little legs are just pumping away. And I'm, I'm, I am going to be falling behind, but also keeping an eye on the water. Like, on that, uh, wave.

And I am going to

I think I'm going to

hold Cloud of Daggers. Okay, well before you hold that, because I feel like this would be unfair for me not to share this before you, you turn to run back. No, I wanted to run forward. To, to run, to run, wait, to run forward towards the town, or back the way you came, the shorter distance or the long distance?

Yeah, for the, for the town. For the town. Yeah. Oh, okay. Okay. Nevermind. Then go ahead. You can hold Cloud of Daggers. Like along the shoreline? Is that what you're saying? Yes. Okay. So you're all running as fast as you can run. Who's first? Seraphina or Gus? Probably Seraphina because I'm short. Okay. I have less movement.

Seraphina, you see a place where the curvature of the wall deletes the pathway. Okay.

How tall is the wall? At this point, it's looking like it's 15 feet. Maybe a little bit more, as it's continuing to rise. Mm. Mm. Very good. How fast can you run a one minute mile? Or whatever it is. A mile. Can't I

Push them against the wall and stand in front of them and just be like, I will protect you. It will literally be doing like this because that's, that's what I'm doing. You're like linked up against the wall. As they're, as they're like fighting to protect me, I'm just going to like step around to the side so that we're all three standing together.

So just so that I understand. So you said that essentially now the, the wall, like the, the shore is disappearing, right? Yes. Is there, can you, can we see the other side of where the shore starts again? You can't see a place where it de inclines, so to speak. Um, you can see a place where it just comes out flat, but from this angle up at the wall, you probably couldn't see if it was a slow declination back, um, but maybe like 60 feet ahead of you, there is, uh, a a small amount of ledge, it looks like, from this angle.

Okay. Uh, I'm gonna get us as close to that as possible. You're si you can't get any closer than 60 feet? Like, you're No, to the edge. Like, to to where the water meets the wall. Okay. And then I'm Uh, I'm handing out my broom, I'm, or I'm taking out my broom, I'm handing it to, I'm just sticking my arm out and say, One of you take it, go, and then we'll just go in turns, we gotta go fast, and I am, but I've got my eye on the other direction.

I'm still holding that. You said your eye's on the other direction, you see Wubble behind you, just looking, cocked slime body. Okay. You'll come with me. You'll come with me, we'll figure it out. You'll come with me. That was the thing that I was saying, is like, the Wubble's been following you, and if you turn around to run back, Wubble's gonna be like, wait, what?

I think that we should wait and stay together in case a big monster comes out, because three of us are more likely to defeat it than one of us.

I put my broom back. Here on this narrow, what's left of flooring up against a wall, between a wall and a wave of water, three of you and what will stand? Such a bad idea.

Could I have all three of you roll an athletics check? Oh God. As a wave of water comes straight at you all. Trying to wash you from the ledge, or edge. Sixteen, again. Oh, Bubble got washed. Seven. Gus got washed. Acrobatics? Nope. Athletics. Athletics. This is how strongly you can hold on to the ledge and not be washed away by water.

I see. Okay, come on. Seraphina, you're so strong. You're so strong. Come on.

I'm very put together right now.

Unnatural 20. Ayo! Unnatural. Uh, Gus and Wubble. Gus and Wubble? Goodbye. Can't hold on. Wubble has no traction, just slime. Gus can't scramble for a tight enough grip and they're both washed off the lake, into the lake, by this wave that has come crashing out to you all. I grab my broom and I tell it to go.

Tennis Swimming. I tell my broom to go to Gus. I can tell it to go up, up to a point. Okay. Um, as they're flailing in this moment, your broom zipping towards Gus, long tentacles start to reach up, and they aren't going for Gus or Wubble. They're reaching for Ulua and Seraphina. They are or aren't? They are.

Reaching for Ulua and Seraphina. Okay. Great. That's when I'm going to cast my Cloud of Daggers between us and tentacles. Okay. And that's when we're going to roll initiative. Ayo! What if this is a good sea monster who has like a nice What if it's trying to carry you across a lake? Yeah.

She cast Cloud of Daggers, y'all. Oh. Why you gotta do that? Why you gotta make me the bad guy?

Fourteen. Uh, eight.

Make me feel like shit about it. Jesus. Eight. Wait, eight, eight. Oh, eight! Rollies. Wait, no, no, what's your dex? You have to have higher dex. Um, my dex is Plus four. Okay, so you're first. Ah, I'm so Dexy. Minus plus three. Strong and Dexy.

So, Seraphina's going first? Well, before. Between the two of us. But I had a 14, so. Yeah, I meant between the two of them. Um, okay. Your cloud of daggers comes into existence. Flash of, of, um, um. Blades in the air. Uh, is there anything that you do when you summon your cloud of daggers? I don't remember if you shared something from before, but Uh

This is gonna be really silly. Um I'm just gonna go, uh Slice and dice! Something like that, I don't know. Um

Dice are sticky. Ah! That's why I ran during the intro. I needed a mic, because I thought a sticky got in my train. Ehh! Ooh! Okay. Uh,

five. Twenty five points of damage if it, uh,

enters it on a turn or starts it there. So, some of its tentacles are within that space. Others are not. Um, and you hear just a blood curdling shriek. Uh, you can see that the, the the tentacle that got entrapped in the cloud, or the two tentacles that got entrapped within the cloud of daggers, um, turn the color of overripe avocado and just writhe in the air.

The other tentacles don't change color, um, but only one of them is free to continue to go after its goal. So it is going to go after you, Ulua, and You get slapped by a tentacle,

does an 18 hit. So you're saying I got sucker punched. You got sucker punched. Sorry. Say that one more time. What was the roll? 18 dead? Yes, that hits. Okay. I'm pretty proud of that one.

Doubling the damage. I mean. Uh, you take, you take five points of force damage and three points of poison. Uh, roll a constitution saving throw. Okay. Just make sure you don't get poison poisoned. Ooh. Dirty 20. Cool. So you are not poisoned, but you do take the poison damage. Okay.

All right, that takes us to Gus. You see this, things escalated quickly. There was the wave, you got washed out. There's a broom hurtling towards you, it's almost within your grasp. Uh, tentacles are going after your friends. Two of them got caught up in this cloud of daggers that suddenly appeared. One of them just slapped Ulua.

Um, Seraphina seems safe at the moment, but as the water is kind of in your nose, in your eyes, it's difficult to tell, you don't see Wubble whatsoever. Am I within 10 feet of the creature? Um, you're within 10 feet of parts of it. I would like to cast my Bay Presence. And, uh, it needs to make a Wisdom DC 15 save or it's afraid of me.

Um, it is not afraid of you.

He rolled a natural 17. Bullshit! Stupid fish. Um, I guess I'm just gonna like swim for the broom and I, I don't know if it's an action to grab it or not. The broom was sent your way. Um, I'll say you could use your, um, combination of your movement and your bonus action to be on it. You won't be able to move once you're on it, but you'll be able to be on it.

Okay. I like roll a perception check to see if I can see a wobble. Uh, it's climbing up the board. In this moment, it will be with disadvantage, but yes. Ten and a two, so no, I do not see Wubble. There's so many strange, uh, globules of stuff right now. The, the blades of the Cloud Daggers has spilled Ickor? It happens to be the same color as Wubble.

Dang. Tough to know where your Wubble is in this moment. Uh, that takes us to Seraphina. I thought you were going to say that. I don't know what I'm going to do. Um.

You are safely ashore. Nothing is currently threatening you directly.

I would like to, um,

Use my action to yell at the monster. I'm over here. Look at me. Don't go for anyone else. Woo hoo hoo! We're really nice. Are you using your action to taunt it? No, not taunt. Uh, distract and hopefully amuse. To taunt it.

No, I'm trying to be, like, uh, hello. Roll a persuasion check with disadvantage. I'm not sure if this is for me as game master or for you to actually convince this creature to look at you. Okay.

Oh, Lord. And this is a persuasion. Nine. Um, yep. Good, solid action. Um, can you just roll a performance check just for my joy of knowing how good this looks to other people? Like, this isn't for the monster, this isn't to, like, re ignite attention, but It's, uh, uh, 18. You're making it look good. Ulua, as you get ready for whatever you're going to do, Seraphina is making it look good.

Seraphina, do anything for your bonus action or movement? Um, I would like to, um,

uh,

blow it a kiss.

Are you trying to Seduce the monster. That's my gig! Just trying to get them to not hate us. Not hate us. To be fair, I cast the cloud of daggers between us and the tentacles. The tentacles chose to go into the cloud of daggers. So. That's true. It started it. Okay. Um. Alluia, your turn. Um. This is true D& D, folks.

If you've ever wondered what true D& D is, it's this. It's trying to lay a tentacly beast. No, I don't want to lay it!

Um, I, uh,

has it seemed to rearrange its position at all? It has not at this time. I mean, the time between it slapping you and now has been just seconds. Um, the two tentacles that are within the cloud are still within the cloud. The tentacle that's not is still not. There's other tentacles, probably, possibly, maybe not, who knows?

They're in the depths. Um, Gus is on your broomstick and, uh, you know, Wubble's out there somewhere. I don't know. I'm going to say, you punch like a peanut in Caspian's Mockery, at the tentacle that's not in the cloud of daggers,

I have six points of speed damage.

Uh, great, uh, that's only six, I thought you were level, you're sixth level, right? Thank you. Does it upcast? Uh, it's, uh, 2d4 when you are 5th level and higher. Yeah. I rolled a, uh, a 4 and a 2. Oh. Oh. Oh, yeah. You said 6. I was like Yeah. So confused. Just d4s, not d6s, unfortunately. Yeah, I just don't math anymore.

It's alright. Um, so, yeah, okay. Yeah, you, you've hurt one of the tentacle's feelings. Yeah. You've scarred it. You see a couple of the tasting sensors of the, of the suckers wilt. I need to amend something, uh, I,

my brain switched numbers around and I read D4s as D6s. Not D6s. On this, but on my Cloud of Daggers, so I need to re roll the damage on that. It is, it, it can't be 25, so give me two seconds. I'm owning up to it. Seventy five. You would, you would think I was a neophyte or something.

I have a question. Does your character have to use the word of the day? I feel like yes. Because I already said it, but I feel, when I said it, I felt like it didn't count. Yeah, I know. I'm just saying it because you did , but I think I, I feel like yes. I feel like the answer is yes, I agree. I feel like that's been the standard you've all set for yourselves in the past.

Uh, where's my other day? Four. Okay. Eh, no, D four for you. 60 fours. Alright. Okay. I'm gonna name this episode The case of the Probability of Hentai. No. Like, if you want this to get any sort of attention, no. I mean, Jess keeps flirting with these tentacles, I don't know what's happening. Yeah, but that title is actually, it will get us I was thinking we were safe with the case of the large sushi plate.

Never safe, never safe for it. Uh, okay, so in contrast to The case of the calamari. The case of The cheery. The cave in the Calabari. There you go. Nice. Twelve. Big difference, so, sorry about that. No worries, just math.

Alright, so you did Vicious Mockery, any bonus actions or movements? Um, as long as I don't really, I guess maybe if there's a way for me to move kind of in whatever direction, I would like to track. Alright. wherever, uh, Gus is going, so that I can at least like meet him at the waterline if, like, once was able to get on the broomstick, but he hasn't gone anywhere yet.

Right. But you can kind of just be paying attention for that, yeah. Like literally want, like, I don't know if there's a way to not hold my movement, but like You can't hold your movement. You can hold your action, which could be holding up movement, but you've already used your action. So the crazy thing with the action economy is you can't hold movement, but you can hold the action to move.

Okay. Which is wild. Okay. But, I understand that you're giving attention, which means if there's a DC to locate Gus, you will have a lower DC, just because you're attending to him. Okay. Visually. Uh, great! That takes us back to Calamari's turn. Um, it is Well, I honestly, the, the, the sole creature that it recognizes as giving it a hard time is a Ulua, um, sorry, Seraphina, you just weren't flirtatious enough, um, that, or it's just not into, uh, T flings.

I would have never thought Seraphina wasn't flirtatious enough. Oh, well. Even though her flirting is what alerted this creature to our presence in the first place. True. I know. Um, so Lula, you're going to need to have, well, you, you're easily going to pass that tentacle. Um, the tentacle goes back to slap you again.

It's only a 10 to hit. Yep. Um, the two that are in the cloud of daggers are not leaving it and seem to be coming entwined with each other.

No judgment. Yep. Yep. Yep. Okay, Gus, it's your turn. I would like to use my movement to go back to the shore, if I can. Okay, yeah. And then, um, I will pull out my wand, and shoot. Okay.

Five magic missiles. Oh my god. At the squid. Isn't this these people's, like, god? It's trying to eat us, man. Yeah, if it gave up and went away. It can leave at any point, and we will not follow. So we can just run away! Not really! Roll the damages. That's what we were trying to do, and I was trying to get you all to run away, but you said, No, let's make a stand!

Together! You were trying to get one of us to run away by ourselves and leave two of us to fight the thing. It's two kilometers across the lake! No, it was only 60 feet to cross to the next part of the land where I was going to have you go on the broom. Oh, I misunderstood that too. I thought it was to the town.

Yeah, when you were saying to go I thought you were saying run to the town and then you'll summon the Brimbeck like

You gotta teach some like, uh, what is it Navy SEAL signs? Two turtle turtle duck dodge banana chocolate six alpha Twelve dozen coconuts. Stay on their line! Coconut left, more coconuts! Fourteen damage. Wait, wait, wait. Uh, Nineteen damage. Sorry, I forgot the plus ones. Nineteen damage. Even better. Yeah, so, the, the massive tentacles flying around you, these magic missiles, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.

Like a, Child playing a video game in their imagination. Uh, that's just my interpretation of this. Um, maybe a little bit of gold coins falls from each of your magic missiles as they hit. Uh, Ulua, or Seraphina, that's you next. And then Ulua, you're up on deck.

I would like to run up to the closest tentacle. Okay, the closest one to you at this point is the one that's been slapping Ulua and has been magic missiled and depreciated viciously. Is it in moving distance? Yes. Okay, I'd like to go up to that one, and I'ma touch it, and I'm gonna go, Please just leave us alone, and I will cast Inflict Wounds.

Uh, yeah, roll that damage. Let's say, um I mean, that would make me leave you alone, so who knows? Nineteen. Nineteen damage? No, no. To hit. To hit. Which is weird, because I have to touch it in order to do it, but Every time I see Jes, she just punches me in the face and says, Please leave me alone. Just like that.

Art imitating life. That's so weird that you would have to

Maybe it doesn't hurt very much. If I Maybe it's just like you have to actually get your hand on it so you're like Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Wait. I have to make a melee melee Oh yeah you have to actually attack it. So it's just your attack. That's Yeah. It's you it's you playing whack a mole with it.

I'm going to semi aggressively tap at the thing to please go away. Okay, so roll 3d10. Semi aggressively while she rolls 3d10. The squid pops its head up and says, Did you just flick me?

Is this it? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. It is! Okay, it's these ones. Boop! I'm not a huge fan of friends, but it has its moments.

Joey doesn't share food.

That's me. Oh no. 16, 17, 18, 19,

20 points. 20 points, ouch. You touch it and this necrotic energy spreads out and as you touch it you feel your fingers make contact. And you think, it's like, It's scales. It should feel slick and clammy like some unholy fusion between snake and deep sea fish. But it's warm.

And the scale is a little rough, but not horribly so. And you become aware of a deep, subtle, but deep, pulsating tremor in the entire length of it. And as your hand comes off It's clean. There's an acrid, musty scent.

It's a bonus action. I'mma yell out. I just, I really feel like we shouldn't fight this thing.

Um, Ulua, before your turn, Um, Those who were paying attention all of you that are just like watching the situation, but not exclusively the creature itself But more of like your operational awareness What is your? perception your your The bass one. Passive. Passive, thank you. My words today. Wow. Fifteen.

Fifteen? Um, passive, yeah, fifteen. Uh? Twelve. Villagers with pitchforks. Hmm. Um, you, Gus and Seraphina, note that one of those green globules, has dived deeper in the water.

And it's approaching some dark mass at the center of all these tentacles. Although that's your turn. Maybe Wubble can charm the thing when I couldn't. Maybe. I look at Seraphina and I go, okay. And I drop cloud of daggers.

Okay, you drop Cloud of Daggers. Those tentacles that are enwrapped on themselves, uh, are suddenly free and they just, they're stuck there in this moment. Um, the tentacle that's closest to you is reached back as though to strike. Can I still cast Healing Word? Because is it a bonus action to drop it? It's a bonus action to cast Healing Word.

It is, you have not cast a spell, so you just dropped it. That's just releasing your concentration. That doesn't even cost an action, a bonus action or anything. I don't think. Oh, right. It is a bonus session. Okay. Uh, I'll cast healing word at the one that smacked me. Okay, roll the heals for that. Aaaaaah. I was talking about abusive relationship.

Uhh. 24 blood.

It's so dark in here. 5 points of healing.

Okay. I

just need to roll some dice. Um, could you Oh, Ulua. Uh huh.

Roll a persuasion check. I hate them having you do this. This is like constantly having Jason's last character roll these things and I'm just like, yeah, it's foregone conclusions with both of these two characters. I still have to roll something at least semi decent. We're still low level. She doesn't have super power charisma yet.

Is this persuasion? You said? Yes. 25.

The rejuvenating energies of your healing spell are a small component of what's happened so far. And for a few tense moments, nothing seems to happen. The creature's scale bulk remains impassive and as horrific as before. And then you hear a deep flam or wobble. Rattling, rumble, build beneath the lake.

Wait, what? My brain did not process what you just said. The, there's, the lake is rumbling. Okay. Um, and what follows next can only be described as pretty unnatural. This monstrous multitude of beady eyes Rattling, Seem to roll back as tremors rack its overall serpentinesque form and everything just yard upon yard of this slick ridge tide ripples and convulses.

It's kind of grotesque as some of that can be as this muscular tide is occurring. But then as you're listening and watching you hear the crunches and pops of reorganizing bone and sinew. And the spines and bony protrusions are distorting kind of obscenely and it's all reshaping. And just when this monstrosity doesn't seem like it could endure further mutation, you see a massive spider like appendage punch free from its dorsal ridge as that has come to the surface.

It's in a spray of viscera, and there lies this mass, and you just hear a shrill, dissonant shriek.

The heal spell has not interacted well with this primordial creature, and it's transformed it into something that can't stay in this world. And you watch it begin to start collapsing in on itself, twisting and pulling, and tearing. Well. Oops.

Damned if I do, but I don't know what to do here. As you stand in shock at the shore, you Any of you with even the tiniest inkling of magical knowledge or access feel a distortion in reality. Those of you who know how to do spells of teleportation or other magical things that move a being from one spot to the next feel this even more viscerally as something very wrong occurs.

And from within the body a Tear opens up in the universe and the entire creature is flipped inside out within it and then it's sealed all at the same time. Um, where No sign of Wubble. Okay, bye. No sign of Wubble? No sign of blood. No sign of creature. Wubble! Can I Hang on. Hang on.

So I can't I can't see Wubble at all. Roll a perception check. Uh Perception! Where is my clear D20? Aha.

I like to use my clear D20, my see through one, for perception. Because I'm stupid that way. I'll see you better with this one. Ooh, okay. Uh, 16? We're on 16s tonight. Can you make out floating on the surface a small piece of ooze? No.

Just floating there? Where is Gus and my broom? On the shore. On the shore near you. I'm going to run to Gus, grab the broom, and fly over to the floating bit of ooze. Yeah, you fly over. Gus, I'm assuming you acquiesce to the sudden, she's flying She slashed me off the broom. She flies directly into the spot where you think The creature, like, just suddenly got pulled within itself, or something strange happened.

And, you're there, Ulua, what do you do? I try to pick up the piece of ooze. You all watch as Ulua scoops up a small piece of ooze. Barely enough to fit into her hands. You feel a little tingle, Ulua. A little tingle. It burns, and it feels good at the same time. Little baby Wubble. I'm trying to remember. I could never really communicate with it, right?

Not really. Communication with Wubble was Wubbly.

Psychic damage. Jesus. Um, I'm just gonna kinda cradle it and go, Um, You still with us, buddy? You continue to feel that tingle. Wubble.

Uh, uh, okay, I'm gonna like, put him on my shoulder and see if he stays there. See if he can hang on. You would think that an oozy thing would just ooze over your shoulder, but this seems to hold form a little bit and as you adjust your shoulder, jiggles a little like a tiny little green jello.

Okay, I'm gonna head back to shore.

What do oozes eat?

Roll a history check.

That's

not as good, and I don't think I have a high history. Twelve. Very small rolls. Here. Not sure, but they seem to eat almost everything. They kind of have that alien psychology that, or physiology, that just consume anything. Um, it could be a fun experiment to try out some different things. Maybe you can shape Wubble by feeding Wubble only specific things.

Can oozes be vegetarian?

Later that. Why does Wubble look like a giant potato? Because we only fed him potatoes. You went to Tater's the fourth, the final Tater.

We try to get Wubble's mass back by putting Wubble in the grease bin behind Tater's four. Yuck. But yeah, at this point, you can make your way across the lake without any further problem because you can swim or whatnot, because there's nothing in the lake that It seems to be going after you. The biggest predator is no longer there.

I would like to listen to see if there's been any further commentary from those across the lake. There has been some yelling, some shouting, um, nothing you can really make out. You can't even see the people, um, but there has been some, like, what sounds like calling or beckoning noises. And they seem to be going off.

Like, Here's sea monster, sea monster, sea monster, sea monster. Um, do I know a different way to get back to Underton? Yes, you do. This is Underton, but you're, you're now officially in Underton. There's multiple passageways in and out of this space. And you, all that have spent time in Underton, which may not be all of you may just be gossip.

But you, you are able to easily navigate your way back to the surface, um, just at the bottom of the hill. I mean, if we don't, if we don't cross the lake, we can still do that? No, you have to cross the lake to do this. Um. Okay. So I'm going don't have to go to the area where the crowd is. What, what I Um. What I was trying to say before is it looks like the shore of the other side of this wall is about 60 feet that way.

So if we each take the broom and send it back, we can keep walking around the lake. Okay. Okay. That was really weird how the thing just turned inside out and disappeared. We're just not going to talk about that? I mean, I Um, apparently me healing that, healing it did that? Um, I don't know why.

Certain monsters can't tolerate healing magic, I guess that's one of them. I mean, I didn't even heal it for all that much, but okay.

Maybe it wasn't good after all, and like, Whatever good is, was like, I don't know.

She said we shouldn't fight it, so I, I stopped.

And then I tried to be nice, and, and, and, and, It turned inside out, and it exploded. I think we should flee from the crime scene, is my expert opinion. Again? Okay, let's do the broom thing and then walk around the We may have killed a primordial primordial god protector on accident, by trying to heal its boo boo.

That we made. We tried! I think easily enough you're able to get up to the surface. Oh god. And we will save whatever errands you intend to perform for our next session. Oh man. But, whether it's informing Maximo, of the temple being available or scoping it out yourself or whatever you choose to do or ignore the situation entirely, update StickyBeak on your current, uh, escapades.

Dear StickyBeak, we have not done a goddamn thing about Grand getting murdered. But we did blow up a temple and kill a primordial being. Have a lovely day. Love, Gus. I hope you find your pod. Uhhh. You're a little pot of chaos goblins. They're all fun. At least we're not murder hobos. Just chaos goblins. Eh, it's not even that chaotic.

It's just delicious. Thank you for joining us. Hope you have fun and bye-bye.