Thumbing Out West By Rick Regan 7/15/2021 This is the story of a conversation between a hitch hiker and a driver, out west between South Dakota and Wyoming. Characters: Janine: Hitch hiker Steve: Driver Rick Regan Raleigh.rickregan@gmail.com Raleigh, NC 919-218-8834 I/E. RURAL HIGHWAY IN SOUTH DAKOTA - MORNING A two-lane blacktop highway runs from the southwest corner of South Dakota into Wyoming. A dusty Ford SUV rumbles down the road. A hitch hiker stands by the corner of Hwy. 24 and US- 14, Carlile Junction. The hitch hiker is a short but solidly built woman in her mid-twenties, with dark curly hair. The driver of the truck is a tall, lanky Western man in his early sixties. The Ford stops and she goes to the window. STEVE You heading west? JANINE Yep. Going that way? STEVE Sure. Hop in. Could use the company. Janine puts her backpack and gear in the back seat and sits up front. They roll away, heading west toward Wyoming. JANINE How far you going? STEVE Quite a ways. How about you? JANINE A good piece. This way, west, US-14, to Gillette. You going that far? STEVE Yep. Good day for a drive. JANINE OK. Yeah, I appreciate it. STEVE Makes no nevermind to me. I’m going anyway. Better to have some company. JANINE Right. Right. STEVE Yep. Ya. There is a long silence as they head down the twisty road out of the Black Hills. There is little to no traffic going in either direction. Soon farms and ranches appear on both sides, stretching nearly treeless from horizon to horizon. 2. JANINE It’s pretty. STEVE It’s dry right now. Real nice when it’s green, in the spring. JANINE That right? STEVE Yep. JANINE You a rancher? STEVE Nope. Grew up on a ranch. Family still do. How about you? Got a spread? JANINE What? Me? Oh no. STEVE Just traveling then? JANINE Camping. I was at Devil’s Peak last night. Beautiful sky. So many stars. STEVE Bit chilly last night. Got a nip to it. JANINE I try to prepare for it. But can’t make a fire right now at the KOA’s because, like you said, it’s so dry. STEVE Yep. Mighty dry. JANINE Oh yeah, real dry. STEVE You just out camping these parts or been all over? JANINE Oh, well I’ve been all over but I’m heading to meet up with some friends. STEVE That right? In Gi-lette? 2. 3. JANINE Well, north of there. STEVE There a house or something? JANINE A ranch. I’ve got a line on a ranch that’s hiring. STEVE Oh! Hiring! That’s good. That’s good. JANINE We’ll see. I hope so. STEVE Yep. JANINE How about you? STEVE Me? JANINE Yeah, driving west, all by yourself? You from around here? STEVE Here? JANINE Yeah. Dakota, Wyoming? STEVE I suppose, by way of my wife’s people. I come-up by the Mexican boarder. JANINE Oh, your wife? You heading home? STEVE No, I’ve got a project, further west, I’m heading to. JANINE Ranching? STEVE Naw. Nothing like that. JANINE Something else? 3. 4. STEVE What is this, twenty-questions? I just got a project. JANINE Apologies. STEVE Accepted. They ride along in silence for a while. When they come to a small town with a gas station, he stops for a fill up. She goes to the bathroom and comes out of the store with two bottles of water. He nods and they get back in and continue. JANINE Got you some water, if you want it. STEVE That’s kind of you. JANINE Well, it’s kind of you to drive me. STEVE Well, you know what they say. JANINE Uh-oh. Gas, grass or ass? STEVE (laughs) No. Not that. The waters fine. JANINE Is that what they say? STEVE No. What I meant was, won’t you be my neighbor? JANINE Who says that? Mr. Rogers says that. STEVE Yep. JANINE You a big fan of Mister Rogers? STEVE Oh yeah. Good fella. JANINE You watch the show? 4. 5. STEVE Watch it? Ha! No I don’t get to watch it much. JANINE Oh-kay. What do you mean then? It’s just a good outlook on life? STEVE It’s that, yeah. JANINE Wait, so what is it that you do, if you’re not a rancher. STEVE I don’t like to talk about it. JANINE We’ve got a long ways to go. STEVE Eh... the entertainment business. JANINE Entertainment, like an actor. STEVE Character. JANINE Hmm. Been in anything I might have seen? STEVE Oh sure. Lot of kids stuff. JANINE Like.... Mister Rogers. STEVE Yeah, I was Mr. McFeely, the delivery man. JANINE On the show? Mr. McFeely? STEVE (raises finger) “Speedy Delivery!” JANINE Oh, right! The Speedy Delivery song. STEVE Yep. While ago now. 5. 6. JANINE Well did you do anything else? STEVE Oh, lots of things. But, I don’t like to get into it. JANINE I see. STEVE But you being a rancher. Is there a lot of call for women cowboys these days? JANINE I’m going to learn, understand how it works. STEVE Well I can save you some trouble there. Ya see what they do is put animals on the pasture. When they animals get big enough they put them on trucks and take them away to the slaughterhouse. That’s about it. JANINE (grandly) I want to learn the ways of the dry grass ranchers of Wyoming. STEVE Why’s that? JANINE I’m from... (heavily) Israel! STEVE Israel? That right? JANINE Yep. Israeli. STEVE You grow up there, then come all the way out here? JANINE I want to learn the ways of the ranchers and the cowboys so that I can bring these methods and techniques back to my people.. (heavily) In Israel! STEVE So, how’s that work? Born in Jerusalem or Tel Aviv? 6. 7. JANINE Malvern. STEVE Is that north or south. JANINE The Main Line, outside of Philly. Pennsylvania. STEVE I thought you said you are an Israeli. JANINE Yes, by birth, I qualify to be an Israeli. STEVE But you grew up outside of Philadelphia? JANINE (grandly!) That’s right and now I have come to learn the ways of the Western ranchers and cowboys! STEVE That’ll be a hoot. Your first ro-de-o? JANINE Ro-day-oh? STEVE Your first time in these parts? You been hanging out in Israel and all, and now you want to be a cowgirl? JANINE Like I said, I come to learn. STEVE Oh, right. I see. JANINE So tell me, what else have you been in? STEVE Well, I was Mister Greenjeans for a while, with that sumbitch Kangaroo. JANINE Captain Kangaroo? I loved him! STEVE I don’t wish to speak ill of the dead, but that lyin’ snake was never good for so much as a nickle for a cup of coffee. 7. 8. JANINE The Captain?! STEVE We’d film the whole week of shows on Tuesdays and that pathetic drunk was worse than a sailor on leave. By the fifth episode he’d have gone through a pint of rye and could barley read the damned cards. Letters six-inches tall and he’d be slurring his words. Rest in Peace ya’ cheap son-a-bitch! JANINE Wow! Have you been in anything else? STEVE Well, I don’t like to talk about it but my main gig has been Big Bird, for a while now. JANINE Wait? You’re Big Bird? You’re pulling my leg! STEVE Well, Big Bird is the character I play. That’s all. JANINE But that is incredible. Big Bird is loved around the world! STEVE And you think I see one-thin-dime of the royalties, figurines, animated shorts? Nope! Bupkiss. JANINE Really? STEVE I told those chiseling mother fuckers they can kiss my ass. JANINE So you’re not Big Bird right now? STEVE Oh, yeah. That’s just how you negotiate in the world of entertainment. The suit and the head are in the back. JANINE (looks back) I don’t see it. STEVE In boxes. Out of the light. 8. 9. JANINE Right. So... you’ve met Kermit? STEVE Good dude, Kermit. Solid guy. That’s who you want in the foxhole. JANINE But he’s a puppet, right. STEVE Kermit, Fozzie Bear, The Count. A Band of Brothers, I tell you. JANINE But... they are not real, right? STEVE When you get to play Big Bird, you can tell me if they are real or not. JANINE What do you mean? STEVE I’m a strict Method Actor. I went to Lee Strasburg when I was seventeen. I go back and do summer stock every year, preparing to be the characters. BE the characters, not play them, not pretend, not act. Become the character. JANINE Sounds serious. STEVE When I put on the big yellow head, I am the big bird. I AM Big Bird. And is Kermit real? Fozzie? You’re damned right they are. And I don’t expect you to get it. I am a specialized professional and it is nearly impossible for outsiders to truely understand. JANINE But why did you tell them to kiss off? STEVE God-damned crock of shit, is all. Those New York bastards thought they could tell me, Big Bird, that I had to do six shows a week, off Broadway. I told them, I’m Big Bird dammit! I am a television and film star! I’m not doing some six-week run at a hundred seat black-box stage in Midtown. 9. 10. JANINE What was the show? Like a Sesame Street Review kind of thing? STEVE Fuck no! It was called, “Down from the Nest”. The Big Bird backstory. “Big Bird, like you’ve never seen him before!” JANINE That sounds kinda fun! STEVE Those backstabbing assholes wanted to write a heart wrenching backstory for Big Bird. Whithout consulting me?! It’s my backstory, god dammit! I developed the character. I own the backstory. The extended family. The immigration story from Madagascar, escaping white slavers and puppy-mill chain pet stores. I dig for the motivation and the goal-oriented meaning, the goddamned MEANING!, mother fuckers! And they want to tell some horseshit story about him coming down from the forest in Canada. Fucking Bull Hockey! JANINE Wow! I had no idea. STEVE So I told them to kiss my yellow ass. JANINE So what are you doing now? STEVE I’m heading to Seattle. There is a PBS station there that wants to do a pitch for a Big Bird show pilot. JANINE (distraught) So no more Sesame Street?! STEVE I think we have the Count on board. I got a verbal from him, five times, and Grover is in. I’m still waiting on Oscar the Grouch’s people to be in contact. The big holdout is Mr. Snuffleupagus. Aside from me, he’s really the get. It probably won’t work if Snuffy is not in. JANINE You are breaking up The Street? What about Kermit? 10. (MORE) 11. STEVE Kermit has his own gigs. He’ll be fine. Commercials, endorsements, the Muppet Show. He’s on Easy Street. JANINE I thought he said it’s not easy being green? STEVE Oh he’s earned it! Let me tell you. The Big K, he’s earned his bones. Got real chops. He’s been on the grind for decades. Came out of the Children’s Network in Boston, at BUR, and never stopped. He’s like a prize fighter that never let’s himself get out of shape. JANINE He is having a minute. STEVE And don’t even get me started with George Lucas. JANINE Star Wars, George Lucas? STEVE We were filming, six days a week in fucking, hotter than hell Tunisia, and George says we have to pack up for the close-ups, in California, in the Mojave Desert! Shit! There I am in the Chewbacca suit, sweating my balls off! Jesus! (realizes) Oh, sorry! I forgot. You’re a Jew. JANINE It’s okay. STEVE Yeah, my bad. JANINE Hold up. You were Chewbacca? STEVE Just in the first three, but the voice was another guy. You know who was really badass? C3P0. Straight up, cold-ass pimping. The real Shaft. JANINE What does that mean? STEVE He had a side thing, during the days on the set. He would find the local hangouts for the hookers and the drug dealers. (MORE) 11. STEVE (CONT'D) 12. He made them a special offer to come and service the cast and crew during the shoot. They loved us, man! The Hollywood people spent way more money on hookers and blow than on film and catering. And George? He was a bad, bad boy. JANINE You know, I think you might be full of shit. STEVE Yeah, I might be. JANINE I think probably. STEVE But it makes for a good ride though, eh? JANINE That’s true. But I’m kinda getting freaked out. How about you let me off at this cross roads? STEVE You sure? Hot day. JANINE Probably for the best. STEVE If you say so. Steve pulls the Ford off the road and Janine gets out. JANINE OK. Thanks. STEVE Happy trails, cowboy! They each wave and Steve drives down the road. With no traffic in sight, Janine sits on her pack and waits. She looks at the Ford disappearing down the road. JANINE That was weird. She looks up as another vehicle comes along and she sticks out her thumb. The car stops. An older lady rolls down the window. JANINE (CONT'D) Going west? The woman nods and Janine gets in. They drive away. END.