well hello all you beautiful
people you know what time it
is ladies and gents guys and dolls and
everyone in
between gather around get you something
real nice to sip on and comfy to slip
on cuz it's time for Smite Club here's
your hosts Chelsea and Hannah
[Music]
[Laughter]
hey everybody and welcome to Smut Club
i'm Hannah and I'm Chelsea and this is
the podcast where we are two licensed
mental health therapists who sometimes
daydream sometimes don't and discuss
romance novels of varying caliber yeah
or something yeah
that I mean that is the gist of it yeah
yeah now that you know you can either
hang or not but that is what we'll be
doing for the foreseeable future yeah i
was like did I hit the high points i'm
pretty sure
okay so what if you are going to hang if
if that interests you if that interests
you allow me to narrow it further does
alien smut interest you if the answer is
yes welcome stick around we are doing
Ice Planet Barbarians 2 barbarian Alien
by Ruby Dixon
okay when you said two all I could think
of was is it break into Electric
Booaloo you're like I barbarians too i
was like Electric Booaloo and I'm like
you know I I read this one a a long time
ago so I and I didn't reread it cuz I I
think it's kind of fun to like
rediscover yeah rediscover and like go
in kind of fresh and see what all I
remember but uh yeah I was I'm even at
that I was like I know it's not electric
bugaloo i read it
be cooler if it was though
i would love to ask chat GPT to write
Ice Planet Barbarian to Electric Booaloo
we should do that we should do that we
should absolutely okay
okay so if you have not listened to the
first Ice Planet Barbarians episode we
did I would suggest maybe going and
checking that out cuz there's a lot of
background here of which I will do super
quickly but basically there are 12 human
women who were basically accidentally
sort of stranded on this alien planet
after they had been abducted from their
homes on Earth yeah like they were being
abducted by alien smugglers who were
smuggling humans who then I don't know
hit turbulence dumped them yeah sorry it
has been a minute but yeah for some
reason dumped the cargo on this planet
yes and it is a very inhospitable ice
planet and in order for people to
survive on this planet they have to have
what is called a kooey
yes i forgot about the kooey i'm so
excited often referred to as a cootie by
the human women um and basically this
parasite essentially um allows the human
and also this alien
species to um survive on this planet um
and it also recognizes a mate so when
it's just like when you're filled with
the Holy Spirit right
i just wanted to see your face i was
like that's not the metaphor that I was
going to go with and if I'm totally
honest I did not choose my husband based
on anything from the Holy Spirit um
was it his love of insane clown posy
that did it for you yes yeah it was just
something about the jugalo face paint
just got me
you're like when I see that face paint I
need to change my panties 100% you get
it
um but yes the the kooey resonates or
they sometimes call it singing but it
like vibrates in your chest when you
find your mate and
um so the one of the human women this is
from the first book she had gone out to
find help or food or shelter or
something all the other women have been
trapped in this cargo hold that had been
like kicked off the ship um for several
days they are freezing um and hungry
hungry yes stinky not having a good time
and also don't know that because they
don't have the the kooey cooties that
they are slowly dying so like they're
like not they're all kind of like slowly
diminishing right it's like a frog in a
pot yes yeah so some of the women are
like not waking up anymore like they're
not dead but like they are unconscious
and they can't wake them up anymore and
so they know they are dying they just
think that it's related to injuries from
the crash
or gas so we open with Liz and um she is
not having a good time she's extremely
sick extremely weak um and she's getting
more and more frustrated with the other
women because there's lots of like
crying and complaining going on and
she's like "Y'all like we get it we're
all [ __ ] struggling like everybody
shut up." Like she's really just
exhausted and nearing the end of her
rope um but I also feel like her rope is
pretty short to begin with like she's
she's feisty she has got a short fuse
our Liz um our Liz yeah she gets real
spiced real quick that's our Liz yeah
for a lot of reasons that's our Lizzy so
um the Georgie has returned with a group
of these giant bluehorned
aliens to mount a rescue for the women
one of the aliens will not leave her
alone um like just won't stop like
forcing water on her like feeding her
like won't quit i'm saving you let me
save you right but he's super dickish
about it like shoving stuff in her face
and she's like "Oh my god." So she's
like giving it to the other women that
are struggling more and he's getting
increasingly angry that she's not like
receiving what he's trying to give
her um and he says he doesn't speak
except to say Rahos which is his name
and one of the girls has like a
translator stuck in her ear and she says
"Oh that translates to the one who is
angry."
Okay this poor guy who just his mother
was like "You seem pissed." And like
gave him that name I guess
um I mean there are some names that like
you you wonder how you look at a baby
and
think that looks like a Eugene right
right like a Ray Hos matt's listening to
this ray Hos does not sound terrible but
the one who growls and is angry is a
weird thing to do but Matt's listening
to this podcast right now and the guy's
name is Thrasher like that's his given
government name is Thrasher like first
name
fascinated it he probably went to like a
bougie prep school like I feel like if
you have a last name for a first name
maybe that would be better i was like
"Oh like the bird." And Matt was like
"What?" I like never mind so anyway um
he is also covered in scars like one of
his horns is missing like has been
damaged um and he's like really really
scarred up and so she tells the other
women cuz they're like "What is going on
with this alien being all over you?" And
she's like "I don't know he's harmless
he's scarier than most though."
And so what Liz does not know is that
Rahos can understand her because he got
there's a another ship it's an ancestor
ship oh yeah yeah yeah but they can like
download languages and so he had English
downloaded before he went to the um to
rescue the humans um because he wanted
to be able to communicate with them
so um he is kind of upset that she said
that he was really scary um because she
is 100% his mate so he has experienced
resonance um but she keeps scowlling at
him and like refusing the food and stuff
that he's offering her he's like "But
you are my mate we have resonated." So
he's like "But she thinks I'm scary."
and she won't let me help her so like
I'm not going to say anything that like
she's my mate mhm cuz like this is a
weird situation and she doesn't have a
kooey yet so she has not experienced the
resonance well and
also not to be morbid but like the
people around her are dying right so
like Right i do appreciate that he's
feeling the room a little bit right now
is not the time Yeah to be like "Oh my
god I love you." She's like "I need a
bath so bad." Like
he's like "So you're my mate." Yeah i'm
super excited to be here my name is Ray
Hos like no that's not how we're doing
this um so he also tries to carry her
because her toes are literally like
broken broken from the crash um and she
refuses his help um but he keeps trying
to do it anyway and Veal who is the
chief um of their tribe eventually tells
him that he must honor Liz's
wishes no matter what and he's like "But
she's hurt." Chief's like "I don't
care." Like we do not do anything to the
humans without their consent period ever
104 well and
also if I want to make sure I'm
remembering all this correctly but in in
the first book that like their
population was dying off and they were
having a hard time repopulating right
right and then Vectal ends up with
Georgie who's the one who had like gone
for the rescue and she was able to get
pregnant right with his I don't hybrid
baby yeah so that's also part of why
they're like revering these women so
deeply is because they're like "We don't
know how we having them." Yes like they
crashed here and now we are a saved
community right so I get where he's
coming from with like wanting to respect
the the saviors of their people um but I
also get where you're like "But my mate
is she's hurt hurt right?" And Rahos is
actually he's really scared like it's
not that he's trying to like impose his
will necessarily he is really scared
that she is so hurt and that you know
she's so sick and she's so frail and
weak and all this
um and he's like I don't know why my
Kooie did this [ __ ] like this is the
weakest creature I've ever seen in my
life but she is mine and so I have to
take care of her like she is my
responsibility
um so and we flash back and forth
between Ray Hos and Liz's perspectives
but when we get back to Liz she is
basically getting sicker by the minute
as they're walking through you know all
of this snow um and the the women
watch the there is a creature called a
sakot you know it's a thing it's a big
creature that has the kooey in the heart
and so they have to take down one of
these giant creatures in order to get
the kooey for the women so they watch
the men complete this hunt and Liz grew
up hunting with her dad and is super
experienced in like bow hunting and she
knows about like skinning stuff and
dressing things and like she knows
what's what
so she watches Georgie get the first
cootie um and she's like "Yeah um no I
know from hunting with my father that
parasites are bad." like this is
horrible i don't want one of those like
I'm not doing that without really
understanding that it is the life force
that she needs to make the planet
hospitable to humans right she's like I
don't trust these giant blue dudes like
no
so she starts hobbling away and then is
trying to think of some kind of
alternative like "Okay so if I can't
stay with these blue freaks where am I
going to go how am I going to take care
of myself?" And then all of a sudden
like Rahas shows up and pins her to the
ground and forces a kooey into her which
requires like a cut on the neck and
stuff so he holds her down and does that
yeah it's not like you're just like "Oh
I'm swallowing a worm thingy." It's like
we have to cut you we have to make an
incision
open it and then let this like thing
burrow inside of you yeah and then it
lives in your heart and you know I get
where if you didn't know that you needed
one to live Mhm why it wouldn't interest
you yeah she's like "No the weird
glowing blue tapeworm is not for me
man." Like "No thank you." So she loses
consciousness through this experience
which is normal when somebody gets a
kooey so Ray Hos is like "Listen she is
going to hate me forever but at least
she will survive." like
he knows like he just couldn't let her
die but he she he was like she's already
so mad and clearly doesn't like me like
worst I can do is save her right um
bless him yeah trying he is trying and
he's remembering like he's holding her
um and remembering that his parents
hated each other as well um but they
were all still a family and he's like
maybe me and Liz will be the same like
maybe she won't ever like love me but
you know we'll still have a family maybe
cuz that's all he wants because when he
was a
child his dad kidnapped him and his mom
and like yes spirited them away and the
mom got pregnant again and Rahos was
told like They
basically everybody died like and Rahos
his dad dropped him back off with the
tribe and then disappeared and was never
seen again so he has no family like his
mother his father his younger brother
are all gone and he just wants some
family and somebody that will be there
for him so he my heart I know and for
some
reason poor Ray Hos he decides he's just
going to take her away somewhere until
they're properly mated and then the
tribe can't take her away from him like
he's terrified that like somebody's
going to try to take her away and so he
kidnaps her which is not good it's not
good
yeah intent versus impact right
yeah um and he's like I know that she
thinks I look really scary because of
all of my scars and stuff but I'm just
going to focus on taking care of her and
like eventually her kooey will like
resonate with mine and and then you know
everything's going to be
okay so he takes her to um a secret cave
that he has because he's one of the
hunters for the tribe so he has this
like separate cave that he stays in when
he goes on hunts um and
so when they get there he undresses her
and bathes her and redresses her he's
concerned about her wounds so he's it's
all very clinical he's not doing
anything weird um but he is actually
really obsessed with her hair she's got
like long blonde hair and he's like
"This is amazing." He's like so soft oh
my god so
um he's like I I just want to like touch
her and love her and like mate her but
like she needs to be awake obviously so
like that's good right i just want
cuddles yeah we buried the bar for Ray
Hos but he is trying really
hard um here's the thing i feel like the
bar is not buried
because I can see what his true north is
yeah right and
like that doesn't make any of it okay
i But she's like kidnapping is not okay
but
in this situation I can allow it
so um he decides that he is going to
leave her because she's still
unconscious so that he can go hunt some
food for her um because he knows she's
going to need to eat and he also knows
he maybe shouldn't be alone in this cave
with her while she's unconscious
so Liz then wakes up and immediately
starts to panic and tries to like claw
the kooey out of herself because she's
like "Holy [ __ ] oh my god." And so Ray
Hos ties her up to prevent her from
hurting herself so now she's been
kidnapped and she is bound against her
will and Ray Hos I'm I'm really rooting
for you i know we we really want you to
be successful but
currently we also want you to make
better choices just
generally but Liz also now is
experiencing the resonance so her poo is
going crazy okay and she is big mad
oh buddy she is pissed she's like "Of
course I'm I made it to the angry one."
Like what the [ __ ] she's This is
[ __ ]
and when I read that I was like Liz have
you considered that you are the angry
one and
perhaps
perhaps the kooey was just matching the
vibes like have you considered like all
I'm saying is it seems
like the kooey might have understood
more than you did in this moment maybe a
little bit maybe a little bit so um he
feeds her by hand um because she's still
tied up and she falls back asleep and
when she wakes up he's gone again and
she is
untied she is so horny she feels like
she's going to die and so she starts
masturbating two thoughts of Rahos and
of course as she calls his name he
appears in the cave entrance
um so Ray Hos is also pissed and horny
um is that part of like they have to
like claim their mate and they'll just
keep getting hornier until it happens
yeah or am I just making that up yeah so
the kooey resonance like apparently
triggers arousal and if you don't give
in to that arousal it will just increase
consume you yes
because um a huge part of why the kooey
resonates is because it's a a fertile
mate that matches you and so it
basically the kooey is saying like these
two will make strong offspring and so so
the kooey is not saying the angry one
also needs an angry one it's just saying
you're like they will make the angriest
offspring
it's just saying the angry one needs a
fertile one is
really um and this one will be your
fertile
one i don't know why I didn't like that
so much i didn't really like it either
but it already happened so
so Ray Hos is also still really angry
and very horny and he really doesn't
understand why she keeps pushing him
away
um she's like he he's like "We're mates
like we're resonating doesn't she feel
it like I don't get it." Um and I didn't
slice her open and put a parasite in her
for nothing i didn't kidnap her from my
tribe for no reason you guys
so he is standing there like "Are you
[ __ ] for real oh my god I'm so
horny." And she's like still touching
herself she hasn't stopped but she's
like "Do not come near me." And he's
like "All right." So he just starts
touching
himself and which feels like a
reasonable response given the situation
he's like "Okay." So he just whips his
dick out which I get and so then um she
just keeps going on and on about how
much she hates him how much she is not
attracted to him and doesn't want to be
doing this and like and has no idea he
can understand everything none
whatsoever like she still thinks that
they don't speak the same language at
all um so he's like "Maybe this is like
part of human mating cuz she's into
it but her words don't match." And he's
like "We don't need to speak the same
language to understand that body
language girl." Hey and he's like "I
just want to make her happy so if that's
what she needs to do I get it that's
okay like she can tell me how much she
hates me that's cool
it's really sad actually it's like if
that's what being a family is right well
because again his parents really hated
each other
um so he calls out her name as he comes
and then um she immediately like backs
up um onto the first that he had set up
and like turns away from him
so Liz wakes up the next morning with
Rahos like all cuddled up behind her and
she is
like "I hate you so
bad but you're really
warm and really cute
actually."
And and maybe my Kooie did know a thing
or two yeah and like he does these
little like teasing things where like he
offers her water and she goes to try to
take it and he like pulls it back and
like she's like "Well that's cute." Cuz
he's like trying to be playful with her
um but it's like pissing her off that
he's so cute so
um Liz is really excited um to go
hunting with him because that was
something she did with her dad and her
father had passed away a few years
before she was abducted so she hasn't
really been hunting since then
um and so she really wants to go with
him but Rahos leaves the cave without
her and points to her feet because she
doesn't have any shoes and he's like
"You you can't come." Like "Yeah like
I'm not trying to be an [ __ ] and Yeah
oppress women but but you're barefoot
and your toes are broken." Yeah he's
like "This isn't like a I'm the hunter."
Right right right the lady must wait for
me but what are you going to do you
don't have shoes and this is a literal
ice planet yeah mhm so she's really
pissed that he has left her behind again
but Rahos this whole time he's been
hunting food for her um and he has been
really overwhelmed thinking about how
his whole life he's never really been
wanted and now his mate doesn't want him
and he's like well I guess that's just
my lot in life yeah he's like I guess
that's just the way it is like you know
my mother did not want to be mated to my
father she was in love with somebody
else and reminded me and him of that
pretty often and um you know my father I
got injured and I wasn't worth the
trouble to him so he just like abandoned
me with the tribe and like they were all
nice to me and like took care of me but
like they I was just an extra mouth like
I wasn't ever like I didn't belong to
anybody
um and so when he gets back from hunting
food for her he finds her trying to make
pants because the other thing that had
happened was when the hunters came they
brought clothing for all of the women um
because they knew they didn't have
anything and so Liz had been given this
like long leather skirt thing and so
she's been like cutting it and trying to
sew it into pants um
Liz is spirited yeah she's really she's
going to do it she might not do it well
and she'll probably regret it but she's
going to do it and likely loudly oh yeah
yeah you'll know she's doing it and
you'll know she's pissed at you while
she is doing it um so he is um
intentionally not giving her shoes
because he's scared she's going to run
away um but she just has
a constant running commentary going
because again she has no idea that he
understands her and so she's just like
you know it's so crazy that I prefer my
meat raw instead of cooked now maybe
it's the kooey and she's like just
constantly
talking um and
he feeds her by hand um and is just
really enjoying taking care of her and
then um all of a sudden like he like
goes to caress her cheek or something
and she goes
nope like like that and he goes is this
a mating word he's like I'm so confused
nope by the noob okay not the same by
any stretch of the
imagination however back in my grad
school days uh I was on staff at a
church in
Texas and uh was good friends with the
band and would like sing with him for
like winter like weekend retreats and
things like that but there was one time
when they all went out to dinner and the
food had just been served and so they're
like "Hey everyone let's just like pray
for our meal real fast which like fine."
So the guy who said it "Everyone bows
their heads." And this is like a crowded
like busy restaurant and he just starts
going "Father God."
like and one of the other guys with his
head still bowed hands still together
just goes "Nope." Like "Cut off
the He's like "We're not doing that."
Listen Jesus gets it you don't have to
yell we can pray for the food but you're
not going to pull this [ __ ]
man everybody be cool this is why nobody
enjoys Christians at a restaurant
because they make it weird and they're
terrible tippers
i was about to say we can't forget the
tipping and then you got there well when
I waited tables that was always the
worst like I literally had people leave
me like a like a pamphlet for prayer as
a tip like a prayer pamphlet oh wow i
was like "Cool this will definitely pay
my rent later
maybe I'll pray about
it it's like you are not drawing me into
the church here my freshman year of high
school I went it's the only year that I
went to a private Christian school and
um someone asked me if I was going to
the prayer club meeting and I said "I'll
pray about it." And they didn't love
that joke i liked it and that's why I
left the school not true at all
she's like "Long and the short of it
didn't fit into the prayer
club." No I So I was at home this week
and I had just gotten out of the shower
and it was like a
10:30ish in the morning maybe and
somebody rang my doorbell and I am a
millennial so I was like "Nope I won't
be doing that." Um because I'm not
expecting anyone and anybody that I
would want to speak to would text or
call first and they probably wouldn't
show up at my house yep
so I was like "Yeah I'm not doing that."
And my hair was wet and I had like
barely gotten dressed out of the shower
and then somebody knocked on the door
like the cops like bang bang bang bang
and I was like "What the fuck?" I was
like "Is this a delivery of something?"
Cuz Matt had had like some electronics
delivered earlier in the week i was like
"Did he order more
stuff?" Nope it was Jehovah's Witnesses
coming to ask if they could pray with me
and I was like "No thank you." Like
Hannah imagine if you had been in
session oh I know i know i was pissed
what i was pissed and this this woman
was like "My friend here and I were just
coming around to share the love of the
Lord with our neighbors would it be okay
if I pray with you?" And I was like "No
thank you." And she went "Oh oh um could
I leave you with a pamphlet?" And I said
"Sure thing you guys be safe thanks so
much." And just close the door
yeah do you remember that meme that was
going around a while ago where like the
friends were texting and he was like
"Tell your tell your girlfriend Merry
Christmas." And he's like "She's a
Jehovah's Witness." And he's like "Oh I
forgot tell her knock for me."
That is a good one yeah that is a good
one but she said she like slid cuz I
didn't open my screen door even cuz I
also had my dog that I was trying to
prevent from running out the door and
she like slid me this pamphlet and she
was like "You can use your home Bible to
follow along." And I was like "Thank you
so
much." So awkward i once found a
pamphlet uh in a Olive Garden bathroom
that just said "When I die I'm going to
H." And then the rest of it was a blank
line for you to fill
in and then you opened it and it shared
the love of
Christ as he intended to be found in the
Olive Garden bathroom
unlimited soup salad and bread sticks
right
and the Lord Holy Spirit unlimited Holy
Spirit um so
anyway so um she says nope and like
backs away from him and he's still not
engaging with her like verbally so she
still still is believing that he has no
idea what she's saying and that he can't
communicate so
um she decides to initiate a language
lesson um and so she like touches his
chest to say like you know name Ray Hash
and then he goes to touch her chest and
he's essentially like groping her boob
um and so she smacks
him to like get him off of her and my
notes say "Jok's on her he's into that
shit." Because he was like "If this is
human mating ritual I am enjoying it."
Okay he's like "All right who would have
thought?" So
um Liz then like she's growing
increasingly anxious being stuck in this
cave with him and um feeling more and
more like she's going to give in to this
kooey mating thing and so she decides to
make an escape plan so she needs to make
shoes and she needs to make a bow um so
that she can hunt and keep herself alive
and you know what i will say this Liz is
a resourceful [ __ ] she really is
i would not do that well if I were
abducted and dumped on an ice planet
i've read like five of these now and I
was like I would have done been dead oh
my god like they're like tanning furs
and making leather and planting crops
and like learning to hunt and like lest
we forget you already have to be able to
hunt to get the life force to sustain
you yeah i'd have done been dead for a
long time like it would not have been
for me like no chance no chance
um so kudos to Liz is she a real one out
here she's like "I'm making my own pants
and shoes and I'm going to go kill some
[ __ ] and I will survive." Yeah
she said "I don't need no man." So the
next day when Rahos gets home from
hunting he is highly suspicious because
Liz isn't talking and doesn't put up a
fight when he feeds her
she's just super compliant and quiet liz
you can't you can't change like that no
and she even lets him like snuggle with
her a little bit that night um and he's
like "What is she up to?" Like the whole
time rhos ain't no fool no he knows
what's up so he wakes up when she is
sneaking out of bed but he pretends to
stay asleep um cuz he finds it really
cute that she's trying to be so sneaky
he's like
a Um and so yeah I like that it's not
even like he was waiting up to see what
she might do he was just like I'll hear
her yeah yeah he's like it's not going
to work so um he follows her she steals
his shoes
um and his spear and she goes out to the
trees nearby i mean stealing his shoes
will take significantly less time than
making her own yes but um so he's
impressed by like how determined she is
he's not even mad about it he's like "My
mate is incredible i'm so proud of her."
He's like "I could have had a [ __ ] ass
mate who just sits there mine wants to
do dope [ __ ] hell yeah baby be sneaky
boo so Liz is actually looking for
material to make a bow so she is not
actually escaping yet she's just like
gathering supplies to be able to
escape so she finds her way to this
river and she sees some bamboo stuff
growing out of the river and she's like
"That would probably make a pretty good
bow actually."
So um as she is reaching for it she
hears Rahos screaming her name and um
that's when she sees that there is in
fact a face attached to the bamboo um
cool yeah yeah yeah yeah there's a big
old monster in there and it wants to eat
her face so Ray Hos has like taken off
to get to her and like tackles her to
the ground so I mean I will say Liz is
resourceful but Liz also has the hubris
of being a seasoned hunter not that all
seasoned hunters are have hubris have
hubris but just like But she's on an
unfamiliar planet yeah like there's a
lot you don't know yeah yeah so he kills
the fish like pulls it out of the water
mhm and kills it and I you you got to
watch out for those bamboo river fish
right monster fish that will eat you
what was that show River Monsters did
you ever watch that no oh my god so
there was this guy who was like a
professional fisherman and I think it
was on the maybe Discovery Channel but
he would go to like the Amazon or like
some kind of extremely
remote denial i think he did a few times
and he would go on these fishing trips
and just like see what's in there and he
would catch like the wildest things and
I was like "Yeah that's what I thought
of." Is now a good time to tell you that
I've never been fishing in my entire
life oh my god really i think I've been
once and it was at
Disney that
counts does it that counts like when my
I was talking to a friend of mine whose
husband was on a bachelor party and
she's like "Yeah he just sent me a
picture fishing in the Keys pretty sure
the captain of the boat show some throw
some chum in the water to make the
tourists feel good about themselves i
don't think this was of his own doing."
And I was like "Still counts." Yeah i'm
like I mean he did still catch it but
way to keep him humble
yeah m yeah I would die so fast on this
planet right well here's the thing i
might if I could resonate with someone
oh man that I I just need to [ __ ] it up
to stay on the planet i was going to say
I tend to be sometimes like Liz a little
bit where I can be a little sometimes
harsh and sarcastic and I talk a lot
occasionally
not nearly to the point of Liz because
at the beginning of this I was like I
get it Liz like I really do and then
towards the end of the book I was like
oh honey I do feel like that is ringing
a bell where I was like I remember like
finding Liz a little annoying at
different parts yeah but like I would
have to
really just smile and be so cute about
it like I hope you find my frail slow
death adorable cuz that's all I have to
offer that's literally all I have to
offer you right now well I'm like I'm
sorry i am not going out in search of
thing like I'm like I know nothing about
this ice cold planet also I grew up in
Florida i'm not made for the ice cold no
no I do i will say because of growing up
in Florida I can confidently say that I
would not approach the water and touch
anything in it yes um but that didn't
afford me other survival skills so
um but as this is all happening Ray Hos
is coming to the rescue liz is so turned
on by this she's like I'm going to die
like she's so horny um and
somehow don't ask me how cuz I'm not
sure but he starts eating her
out like pins her to the snow and just
like goes
in and the entire time she is telling
him that she doesn't want him to do that
and she hates him and she still thinks
he's terrible
um poor Ray Hush yeah
so she comes he's still going for it
because their tongues the blue alien
tongues have
ridges there's a lot of texture
happening that she's really into right
now um and she tries to push him away
because she's so sensitive and he growls
mine and like goes back in and she's
like "That's hot." And then she's like
"Wait a minute was that English what the
[ __ ]
so she's really bad
mine while eating her out was the word
that broke the camel's back on that one
yeah and Rahos is like "Why is she upset
did I do it wrong did I not bring her
pleasure?"
She seemed to enjoy it yeah and she's
like "You lied to me." And he was like
"No."
And she's like "Yes you didn't tell me
you could speak English." And he said he
was like "You you never asked me you
just talked to me a lot and I am a quiet
person." So I listened
i learned a lot about you and I've
learned some about human mating rituals
that I don't really understand but that
maybe we should unlearn um but
um he literally says like it's not my
fault that you talk so
much like he's like it's just I don't
feel like that's that's on me you know
incredible liz maybe we need to look in
the mirror incredible right so um he had
ripped her pants off you know she worked
so hard to make them and so um he offers
her his like loin cloth thing and she's
like "No." with like all this disgust on
her face and he's like "Oh she doesn't
want me to be naked because she thinks
I'm so ugly i'm so unattractive cuz I'm
so scarred up." Um and so eventually
like he gets her back to the cave and
everything and she confronts him and is
like "You are literally just keeping me
here until you get me pregnant like
that's all you're doing because you've
decided that or our kooey have decided
that we're mated and that's what this is
all about like you don't actually care
about me like you just want me to have
your kids um and he's like
"Yeah like I I do want you to have my
kids i I am keeping you here until I get
you
pregnant." And he does not understand
why she is so upset he's like "The kooey
decides like we don't decide like it's
not my fault we vibrated at the same
time right like what?" Like the kooey
said so so now we're mates i don't
understand why you're struggling with
this like obviously this is how it
works um so at this point Liz just feels
completely defeated and just really sad
and alone um and she says you know this
all of my choices are being taken away
again like my choices were taken away
when I was abducted my choices were
taken away when I was dumped on this
planet my choices were taken away when
you forced this cootie on me and now my
my choices are being taken away again
all because of my stupid vagina like I
hate it
here and um
he's like I don't that's not it though
like he does not
understand where she's coming from at
all and he's really trying because he
can tell how upset she is um yeah like
this isn't him like being obtuse or
controlling like he legitimately like
culturally in their society like chosen
mates is really not a thing so he's like
the kooey said like that means it's done
um so after some rest and some space
away um Liz decides that she's going to
try to actually talk to him mhm and
maybe get to know him a little bit she's
stuck here with him anyway and she
discovers that he's just really lonely
like he always goes and hunts by himself
away from the tribe and spends a lot of
time away from them because he doesn't
feel like he belongs there and he feels
like he's constantly earning his place
by providing food for the tribe so he's
just always out by himself hunting
and he also is really worried that she
thinks that he's really ugly and he's
like "I'm really sorry about this like
all my scars and stuff." And she's like
"No like that's not it at all." And she
then shares her part of like humans
choose mates this whole like fate kooey
thing is not how we do it and I'm having
a hard time like adjusting to everything
which is also valid right well and she's
like "Please understand like I was
abducted out of my bed i was probed and
held in a cargo bay where the other
women and I were intermittently abused
and not really fed and then we fell on
this planet like I'm just I'm having a
hard time." like and so he's like
starting to understand more of where
she's coming from and eventually agrees
to take her hunting if she agrees to
spend the night with him as
mates and she's like "So you're
blackmailing me into having sex with you
right now like that's pretty [ __ ] up."
And he's like "No no I just want to hold
you like mates do that's it."
And
so my notes say he's basically touch
starved which isn't in the book but like
that's kind of what I got was that like
Yeah he didn't have any softness or like
it wasn't part of the culture for the
men to be like holding each other or
hugging each other or anything
um so she agrees um and so she then
makes a bow and arrow and like shows him
how it works and they're teaching each
other and that's great um but then when
it is finally time for bed she says no
sex um and he says
"Understood oral all
around." Um and that is when um he
reveals that he's a virgin as well um
because there are a very limited cuz
like you said at the beginning they're
their numbers are dwindling the tribe is
dying so there's only like four adult
women in the tribe and because of all of
his scars and because he's kind of
growly none of them were ever interested
in hooking up with him so it just never
happened so um they snuggle all night
great sleep for everybody and
um so he's getting increasingly
frustrated the next morning because Liz
continuously denies that they are mates
like he will call her mate and she's
like no and he's like but we are because
the kooey said so like I I understand
more of where you're coming from i'm I
get that this is a big transition and it
doesn't change the fact that the kooey
has spoken right we are still mates what
part are you not understanding so
previously when she did not know that he
could understand her she was like
babbling babbling babbling and called
him a dick and was like I guess that's
just you know who you people are like
that's the song of your people is a
bunch of dicks out here and so that
morning she then calls him a dick and he
goes "The song of my people." And she's
like "Yep you got it." Like "Good
job." Um but they finally go on a hunt
um and he's super impressed by how
clever she is and how great she is at
all of this
um and clearly skilled at it for sure
yeah um and so she also tells him that
if they catch something on this hunt
that um he can help her bathe later so
um
he's like challenge is accepted highly
motivated yeah so um they're having a
lot of fun like teaching each other new
hunting techniques
um and
um Rahos spots a creature like down a
big ridge thing and so he goes looking
for a way to get down there and while he
is away from her this
furry furby Ewok looking thing shows up
and um it's small and so she's like "Is
it is this a a baby thing?" She's like
"Hey." Like I'm not trying to touch you
or anything i'm just like "Hey."
Well it's really not good cuz she's like
if this is a young one there's probably
grownup ones around and there in fact
are there's like 20 of them um and these
are called metlacs and they are known
for like descending in a horde and
ripping things apart like hunters prey
whatever once again cool cool okay not a
good situation to find ourselves in no
so Rahos like he sees what is happening
and as he's coming back he tells Liz to
run he's like just run and she's like no
like I'm not leaving you here um and so
he is in full panic but also so proud
because she's like knocking she only has
four arrows I think but she's knocking
them and like taking these things out
and she's got a knife and she's just
like fighting so hard but he realizes
like they're going to be overrun like
this is not going to be successful even
though she has killed several and he has
killed several um they are still vastly
outnumbered in the situation right so he
sees the only option being he grabs as
many of them as he can like five or six
of them and flings himself off of the
ridge to give her a chance to run
um and he's like I'm really like on the
way down he's like well I never got to
like be with her or claim her but she's
safe and she's alive and I did my job as
her mate i protected her and so it then
he hits and we flash back to Liz who is
screaming and there are only a few of
the creatures left so she eventually is
able to get away um and makes her way
back down to
Rahos and he landed on one of the Furby
things she doesn't know what they're
called so she calls them Furby things um
and his leg is at like the wrong angle
and he is covered in blood but he's
still breathing and so and she didn't
she went and found him she did she did
not abandon him she was cuz she saw what
he did for her like and so um she
desperately wants him to wake up cuz
she's like I need to tell him that I
don't hate him and that he's like the
most handsome man I've ever seen and
like that I'm sorry like I need him to
wake up m um and
so um she's like this is my time to show
him that he can count on me like I am
going to rescue him from this he is
going to survive this period and so she
uses her clothes and some random pink
wispy tree things to make a sled and
pulls him like the three miles back to
their cave damn Liz yep and she is a
complete mess by the time she makes it
back um but Rahos wakes up eventually
and he's like "Just leave me here." Like
"Please just leave me." And um that just
makes her mad because that's her default
and she's like "No." She is quick to
anger yeah so she's like "No I'm not
leaving you and you better get better
because if you don't you won't [ __ ] me
but if you do get better you get to [ __ ]
me." So get better idiot motivated
like what so um girl math you know yeah
I get it so Ray Hos then wakes up to Liz
moving about their cabin and taking care
of him um and she is immediately on him
checking his wounds making sure that
she's okay um and he
is like not interested in her feeding
him and stuff he's like "You said if I
woke up and got better that we could do
it and I'm
awake and I'm trying to get it fulfill
your promises." Yeah yeah yeah i woke up
like I did it
um so
um his kooey is also like seems to be
getting increasingly frustrated and is
like vibrating violently it's like so
you know so I threw myself off a ridge
for you and you told me I could [ __ ] you
let me [ __ ] you already right but then
like after he has a moment he realizes
Liz does not look so good um
and she tells him that she's been caring
for him by herself for 10 days so she's
been going out and hunting and bringing
food back and like making broth out of
things to give him and like she's been
doing all this herself for all this time
yeah so okay i forgot that it was like
that long it's a long time yeah not like
he
like not like in some books where it's
like they like fall asleep and go into a
coma and then like wake up 12 hours
later with a raging boner i mean I still
think he woke up with a boner but Mhm
that's his kooey
we can't blame the boy
um so Liz is continuing to shut Ray Hos
down but she is also like getting
increasingly horny mhm um and so when he
falls back asleep she decides to take
like a quick sponge bath cuz she feels
really
gross um but when she goes to scrub her
legs which means she is bending over um
Ray Hos just shows up behind her and
starts eating her
out he's like "Oh hello." And like gets
in it fancy meeting you here yeah yeah
um and so she tries to tell him like
"You need to rest." And he's like "I
need to [ __ ] my mate." Like
um so he eats her out till she comes
flips her over and immediately just goes
in the aliens have a spur on the top of
their dicks which looks in my imagining
like one of those rabbit
toys yep so like the little spur as they
call it is perfect for clitoreral
stimulation um and
so she's into it but he immediately like
freezes up cuz he's like "Oh my god did
I hurt you like are you okay?" And she's
like "These are good sounds please
move." Like you're killing me right now
you know the whole time I was saying "I
hate you don't touch me while letting
you eat me out." Maybe it's a mating
thing no no no these are the mating
things these are the Right right right i
understand that I've confused
you i'm being serious now let me clarify
right um so they go at it all night ray
Hos is basically like "This is the best
thing that's ever happened to him he's
never been so happy in his whole life."
um and he is planning on keeping her in
this cave until she is visibly pregnant
so no one can take her from
him so Liz
um as they're laying there the next day
Liz is like "We did it wrong." And he's
like "We made it wrong what did I do?"
He's like "I thought I did it right."
What he's like "It felt pretty right."
Yeah i mean I was pretty into it you
seem pretty into it and so she tries to
explain foreplay to him and um so she's
like "You gotta like you know touch my
boobs or something." And so he like
honks one tit and is like "Did I do the
foreplay?" He's like "Did I do
it?" Like a conservative Christian
wedding night yeah literally literally i
read that touching the boobs is good so
I touched them
i am following the
steps to reach maximum arousal mhm mhm
yep so we honked one boob and believe it
or not that didn't get that didn't do it
it didn't get her wet so she's like "No
that's not foreplay." And he goes
"Oh this is where the nope that's where
we use it." And so he goes "Nope." And
she's like "Excuse me?" He's like
"That's what you did the first time I
grabbed your boob." Right he's like
"This is the foreplay word." But then
she gets more mad and so she explains
some more and eventually like she then
calls him babe which pisses him off he's
like "I'm not a child." And she's like
"It's a term of endear." Like it's a lot
of like even though they technically
understand each other now they still
don't understand each other really um
and it's all pretty funny and adorable
eventually um and then they just [ __ ]
some more and they're having a good time
um so
eventually they go out hunting again um
Ray Hos is really hoping that Liz is
already knocked up um but as they are
hiking um someone calls out to them and
Rahos starts to panic and tries to like
take Liz back to the cave um but it's
his people and so he's like gripping
Liz's hand um and telling her like "They
will not take you from me." And she's
like "What are you talking about like
why would they take me away from you
like I don't get it."
So she tries to calm him down um and the
two hunters have been looking for them
because they are aware that a storm is
coming and so they've been like "Listen
like you guys have been gone a long time
and this storm is coming and we couldn't
leave you guys out here like we've been
looking but like we've been really
looking because this could be bad." Um
and there is a lot of tension that Liz
does not really understand but Rahos
eventually agrees and
so when they make camp one night like
one of the guys keeps saying like "We're
here to protect you Liz like that's why
we're here." And she's like "Protect me
from what?" It It's all It's a lot but
eventually she starts to understand that
the men think that Rahos has been doing
things against her will and so when they
make camp that night
um she
um she decides that she is well and this
is actually when we learn about Rahos's
family i revealed that too early but one
of the hunters tells Liz about it um I
mean it's it's when Liz is learning
about it is learning about it but Rahos
has been alluding to it in his
perspective this whole time um and so
she feels really sad for him that you
know that's been his experience and she
actually feels like genuine joy when he
comes back from you know hunting with
one of the other
guys and so that night she takes Rahos
to bed and the others are like "No you
need to stay by us." like and she's like
"No I don't think you get it i'm going
to sleep with my mate." So and come back
the [ __ ] off right so she finds a spot
that has like just enough
privacy um and Rahos is super confused
because he's like "I thought that humans
didn't like it when
like we did it in public." Like they
like vectal was really clear oh yeah cuz
Veal yes and Georgie kept having to be
like "Bro we are in it we are surrounded
i am not trying to get it right
now." But Liz clearly is and so Rahos is
like "I don't understand what is
happening." So Liz winds up blowing him
and then she tells him like
"Listen I wanted the others to know I
was into it."
Like like I wanted to give you pleasure
and I wanted to make sure they were
aware right yeah she's like I I wanted
to blow you some but really more than
that I wanted to prove a point yeah yeah
so then Ray is like "I love you this is
amazing."
Um and then um they fall
asleep so they eventually get back to
the tribal caves where the whole tribe
is um and everyone is so excited to see
Liz because she's been gone for weeks
now and they've been really worried
about her um well and also the last time
they all saw each other they were all
getting sliced open right and like
knocking on death's door yes yeah so
everybody is so excited that she's back
but Liz is like "The vibes are wrong
like I don't know what's going on." Um
and she's back right and she is very
loud like as loud as possible that Ray
Hos has taken very good care of her like
he has been very kind to her that you
know um
you know all of that kind of stuff but
they are separated like he gets taken um
to the chief to Vectal and she gets
taken to the healer and
Georgie Val's mate is very insistent
that she get checked by the healer and
Liz is like why would I need to be
checked by the healer i'm fine like Ray
Hos really has taken care of me like I
don't get it there was no funny business
outside of the funny business i
explicitly asked for right um and
Georgie tells her that Rahos is in like
extreme trouble he basically broke their
only law by taking her and so um Liz
also finds out when visiting the healer
that she is in fact pregnant
and um when they go back into the rest
of the the cave um everyone is talking
about Liz in the alien language but she
keeps recognizing her name m and so she
gets increasingly pissed and snaps her
fingers in front of Veal's face while he
is speaking and says um that he can
speak about her in a language that she
can understand and she can bring him her
mate right now or she is going to flip
the [ __ ] out she's like I don't think
they get it but they're going to get it
just to be clear
and so they finally bring him back to
her and she's sobbing her eyes out um
and um telling him that you know she's
pregnant
and all of this other stuff and then um
the others tell her "We're going to take
you to the bachelorette cave," which is
what they're calling the cave where all
the humans are staying together the
unmated humans um and she's like "Why
i don't need to be in the bachelorette
cave i'm not a bachelorette right i have
a mate and they're like "Oh we gave his
cave to a different mated couple." And
she's like "Why would you do that?"
Valid question like I don't get it look
me in the eye when you tell me you gave
our cave away right she's like "I am
really ready to throw hands." She She
Here's the thing a strong breeze and Liz
is willing to throw hands and I feel
like that's the part that I sort of
identified with because I was thinking
about how often I would be like I I'll
drive across country i don't even care
they can catch hands when we were
working together
so I hope that I am so we were answering
administrative support emails and you're
like this [ __ ]
okay i'm like hey Hannah you don't need
to take your earrings out you're working
remotely from North Georgia
you ain't fighting
nobody but I do also vividly remember
that one day I had someone coming at me
and you were like "Chelsea they're in
Atlanta we can hop in the
car." I was like "They're not that far
we can get there i'll pick you up on the
way."
You are in route i will cut a [ __ ]
and I feel like that's the part I
identify with about Liz i hope that I am
not actually as mean and terrible as she
is because she gets worse towards the
end of the book
because Ray Hos is so excited that she's
pregnant and so happy for her and they
get you know privacy in the Bachelorette
cave for the night um and they snuggle
and it's really sweet and everything and
he's very attentive and and lovely um
but then they get woken up in the
morning by Veal and Georgie um and
several others and Beal says "Um listen
Ray Hos I gave you the night to say
goodbye to your mate but it's time like
you have to go." And Liz is like "Excuse
me I'm sorry." Liz is like "The [ __ ]
you're banishing my mate?" Uh-huh so he
is being exiled from the tribe um for
taking her for basically it's for
putting her in danger because Veil's
like "Listen like what if she had
rejected the Kooie what if like her
kooey needed assistance with healing
what like you took her and put her in
grave danger and that is not okay
so
um Liz is like "Oh okay well that's fine
we've been living on our own we'll just
go live on our own." And Val is like "No
you don't understand you stay with the
tribe you can't go you're pregnant like
you need the protection of the tribe."
and she's like "No I need the protection
of my mane." Right um so it's actually a
very like emotional scene like they get
pulled apart and she's just like
screaming for him and he's screaming for
her and it's just very intense
um so Liz this is now the following day
she is livid um and um Rahos has been
sitting on a ridge all night watching
the cave entrance um because that's as
close as they will allow him to be um
and so she continues to like go check um
to see if he's still there and they will
not allow her to be alone because
they're afraid that she's going to run
to him
well they might have learned a couple
things along the way yeah I mean they
were correct but um the other women are
you know trying to comfort comfort her
and you know let her know everything's
going to be okay but Liz is she's just
mad and hateful to all of the other
women until they leave her alone m um
and um she just basically like one of
the other girls the girl with the
translator um is closest to her and so
they bunk together and Liz just cries
all night um before running out to puke
the next morning because morning
sickness is a thing um and
um Veal has a hunter following Liz like
he is now assigned someone essentially
to stalk her um and his name is Ahao or
something like that and he's the next
book I think um but he is obsessed with
the girl with the translator so he's
watching her but he's really watching
Kira like
um so um Georgie tells Liz that Vectal
is actually extremely upset about this
entire situation he grew up with Rahos
that's essentially his brother um and
it's really killing him but Vectal is
terrified that if he lets Ray Hos get
away with this that the other single
hunters will just take off with human
women until they resonate and he he's
trying to protect all the women right
valid concern right
but making an example out of Ray Hos
won't won't change the Kooie's plans
right and also Ray Hos was already
resonating it wasn't like he took her in
the hopes that she would and so Liz is
like "It's not the same." And Georgie's
like "It is literally close enough do
you really want to risk the well-being
of all these other women like come on."
You know which is a shitty thing to put
on Liz to be like it really is well you
being with your mate puts everyone else
in jeopardy do you really want to do
that mhm
um Georgie also reveals that Vectal has
been um considering matching her up with
a widowerower who might be willing to
take on a mate and a child and don't do
her any favors liz was like "Excuse me I
have a mate." Like who the [ __ ] do you
people think you are right now also it's
not it's not like Ray Hos has passed
away right he's literally sitting
outside the door yeah and he's been gone
for a day he's been gone for a day
you're like I know you just learned that
you're pregnant with your literal
mates's child but we found a nice
widowerower
who might take you on right what right
so Liz is livid okay you know I am in
agreement with her temper on this one
yeah yeah so um Ray Hos Liz also learns
has been dropping off kills for her
every few hours like he has been hunting
for 24 hours because he wants to make
sure that she and the baby are fed and
okay um and so Liz loses her [ __ ] she's
like "My mate is already taking care of
me i don't need some rando to do me the
favor of taking me and my baby on i
already have someone willing to take
care of me like this is [ __ ] who I
also want to be with right so um Georgie
is like "Well I talked him out of it
like Veal's not going to do it like I I
I really I'm trying for you like he has
to think of what's best for the tribe
georgie be a batter bitch." I know so
Liz basically Georgie is like I I am on
your side but he is my mate and this is
not a culture I understand it's not a
culture you understand like I have to
default to what he thinks is best and
Liz is basically like you can go [ __ ]
yourself like she's like thank you but
also [ __ ] off yeah and you can default
to what he thinks is best but I am not
his mate right so a couple of nights
later Liz decides she's going to sneak
out but the hunter is still watching her
and follows but she's like I just please
let me see him please and he's like
listen I'll do it but you have to tell
him to leave because he's killing
himself cuz he still has not slept or
eaten he's just hunting to make sure
that you're safe and okay so he's like
he is killing himself he is my friend
please tell him to go please like I
can't watch this anymore i'll let you
see him but only to tell him that like
right we we need to make better
healthier choices yeah and Liz is like
"Sure thing she's not going to do that
shit." Um so love that they even
considered that she would i know right
like have you spoken to Liz no so um Ray
Hos is not eating or sleeping um and he
is just he's like "If I can't be there
for them I'm going to be there for them
in whatever way I can." And um so he's
got this singular-minded focus on like
hunting and providing and so he sees Liz
and Ahiko
um coming and he like takes off running
at them and Liz is like "Listen I have a
plan and our family is going to be
together but you have got to take care
of yourself you have to sleep you have
to eat because I am getting us all back
together but you have to survive to do
that." And he is like "And if you are
acting this erratic they will my plan
will not work." Like right so he's like
"Okay if that's if that's what Liz wants
me to do I will eat and
sleep." It's so sad oh sweet Ray Hos so
Liz is becoming like increasingly
desperate and so she is sewing major
discord in the tribe like it made me
think of on Brooklyn 999 when they were
going to start the whisper campaign like
that's literally what she's doing like
starting [ __ ] with the humans of like
they're feeding you rats it's because
you don't know any better and they think
it's funny that you're so stupid and so
like some of the girls are now refusing
to eat and like she's just like [ __ ]
[ __ ] up and so she was like
"Veal I will I will not make this easy i
will choose violence whatever horrible
thing you thought might happen by
letting my mate stay it's going to be
worse by keeping my mate out yeah she is
going to burn this mother to the ground
so she's also very intentionally
offending the aliens who are trying to
court
her because they're leaving her gifts
and doing and she's like "Oh thank you."
and like giving it away to somebody else
and like that's making the person
receiving the gift really uncomfortable
because it was supposed to be a mating
gift and it's like deeply awkward for
everybody and Liz is just like middle
fingers in the air i don't give a [ __ ]
like she's just going for it you know
there's something to be admired about i
know how bold she is in that regard and
but what bothered me so much was that
she was hurting the other human women i
was like
like I get it
but like I don't love that but it is
also kind of amusing well yeah cuz it's
like funny but it's also like does the
end like for her I I she does think that
the end justifies the means but also
like does it you you do have to consider
that like other people exist right like
the this world and this planet do not
revolve around you
and so she is realizing she is going to
have to do
something
extreme because none of this is working
and it is because she's pregnant like
they will not like they have been so
concerned about their numbers and their
health as a community that they are not
going to put out a pregnant woman like
it's just not going to happen and she's
like "Bet i'm going to lure the hunter
who's been uh stalking me and I'm gonna
kidnap him and take him
hostage and then they'll have to exile
me so So my plan is to get exiled with
my exiled mate yeah she's like "Bet you
won't let me go and you won't let him be
here i will make you invite me to leave
with prejudice."
So with that so she says some has to be
out of the cave for some reason like
come with me whatever and then she pulls
a knife and puts it to his throat and
tells the other human who happened to be
with them to go back to the cave with
her
demands and
so the hunter is actually a haiko he is
totally chill and he's like "This is a
great plan let's hang out." And so they
just like sit down on their furs they
just kick it they're just chilling and
he is asking how to court a human
because he's in love with Kira and he's
like "So what do I do?" And Liz because
she just can't help herself she's like
"Well humans do this thing where uh when
men are trying to court women they give
them a perfect model of their dick
because how else can a woman know if
they really want to mate with somebody
like they need to be able to test the
merchandise you know?" Okay but that was
a competition on Love
Island like one of the games they
played well cuz they had all of the they
had both partners do it so they had like
the girls make what they thought their
partner's dicks looked like and then
they had the guys make what they thought
their I didn't watch it i only heard
about it on Blue Sky like I read about
it so Oh no i I watched that [ __ ] in
real
time and then they whoever's was the
most
similar one but it was really funny
because not everyone had like touched or
seen each other's dick it was a pretty
runchy like there were some seasons
early on where they like didn't have a
drink limit and like things were wild
but he was known for having a pencil
dick they're like it's long and it's
thin and so they both like if I remember
correctly they won because she knew that
she was like yeah I've heard it's long
and it's thin he's known for having a
pencil dick that is what I based this on
and incredible all I can say is their
parents must be so proud and
now like okay straight there's a new
season of Love Island happening right
now there's a heart rate competition
so they all wear heart monitors and then
someone from the opposite sex like all
of the guys are sitting around the fire
pit one girl will come out she'll be
wearing lingerie we'll like dance all up
on all of them and then whoever like
raises the heart rate the most wins
there was one
couple Hannah I felt uncomfortable
and I don't like that's a that's a high
bar i'm like this is like straight porn
like what is like he had her flipped
upside down holding her like they were
like 69ing like level like with him
stand I'm like and all I could think of
was if Ford ever goes on a reality
show and acts a fool like that
liz will look
tame compared to how I will respond if
my son shows out like
that on tele like like I was texting
having a kid really does change your
perspective on that sort of thing
doesn't it oh my god like well I'll say
this I was even texting a friend who
does not have kids and she was like
Chelsea what the hell was that she's
like "I felt so uncomfortable i like had
to fast forward." I was like "I like
even Vance's jaw was on the floor." Like
it was
wild not relevant at all to what's
happening in this moment but yes Love
Island has apparently their production
team has read this series yeah and they
went "We should pace a competition."
Yeah well and the best is that in the
next book he does give her Yes the dick
it's very good it's very funny what did
he make it out of bone oh okay yeah um
so anyway you have
So um Beal and Georgie arrive with the
others and Liz is like "Hey I want my
mate." Um to be clear no one asked what
I wanted when I was kidnapped from my
home no one asked what I wanted when I
was taken by this [ __ ] tribe no one
asked what I wanted when I came back to
this tribe nobody asked i want my mate
like I have not had any choices in any
of this i am choosing my mate this is
[ __ ]
and um the hunter Hiko is like vectal i
understand that technically Ray Hos
needs to be punished and at this point
they're now pretending like when they
saw everybody coming they were like "Oh
better get the knife." And
like and Haiko is like
"Veal Ray Hos needs to be punished." And
living with Liz for a lifetime is a
punishment it's so good it's so good
be's like "You know when you say it like
that He's like "I'll consider
it." So eventually um Veto calls Rahos
back to the tribe and tells him um and
Liz that they are pseudo exiled for the
next 2 years or until the baby is born
because gestation is 3 years for them
but they don't know how it's going to be
different with humans right
so basically their pseudo exile is they
have to be out of the tribal caves for 7
days hunting they can return for one and
they have to stay in the hunters
quarters so they won't have their own
cave um not a dealbreaker for them no
liz is ecstatic she's like I love to
hunt this is great because the whole
time the men have been like the women
don't hunt and she's like this woman
does [ __ ] like so she's basically
Bectal found a way to give them what
they really wanted anyway um so because
they don't get their own
room they are in the cave with the other
hunters um and Liz is annoyed that after
so long apart they don't have any alone
time so she starts making just obscene
sounds and saying the most horrifying
[ __ ] including "Oh do that with your
tail again baby." And like she's like
listening and like hunters are slowly
leaving like one at a
time um and she's doing like fake
moaning and [ __ ] i have a feeling
they'll have their own cave before the
Yeah the two years are out yeah so so
he's like with my tail and she's like
use your imagination or
something so he like flicks her [ __ ]
with it and he's she's like like that
so they do it doggy style which is a hot
tip from Georgie um which means there's
a little anal play because of the spur
so Liz is just happy to be with him and
looking forward to their time in the
wild and like this is great everything's
awesome and that's the happily ever
after that's it
yeah cuz I Well I guess it's it's a
small tribe we'll see her again through
her
gestational periods
yeah in one of them one of the other
women is
kidnapped in a separate incident and Liz
finds her and so Liz is really big in
that one and you see like they're really
happy through there a they're exile so
yeah it's nice it really Yeah I remember
as we were going through this I truly
remember like reading it being
like I find Liz very funny and even I
want her to shut the [ __ ] up yeah mhm
which is a hard thing because you're
like rooting for her but she's also
well a lot and it's very like I felt
very conflicted at multiple points of
like she is going through a lot and
she's having a really hard time yes all
of it's valid and she's also hurting a
lot of people like Yeah
like you know the frustration and
difficulty adjusting is absolutely valid
of course the using that
to
justify hurting other people less valid
is less valid and less cool yeah
overarchingly yeah but I still enjoyed
it it was still a fun read and um Ray
Hos was cute
you know Liz was quite ingenious i mean
she really is
what's our ratings go i mean we did
leather pants glowworms last time we
could do leather pants we could do spurs
spurs
we could do bows
let's do bows okay because that was a
big deal um in the book I didn't
highlight it as much because it was not
interesting to me i'm not an archer but
it was a big deal like the making of the
bow and she made one for him and all
that stuff way to really alienate the
archers in our listening group hannah
I'm really sorry that wasn't a judgment
on archery i just don't possess it's
much much like I left it out of my
review i didn't I didn't find it
interesting
much like fishing there's no judgment on
those who fish i just I don't have that
life experience outside of Disney so
which is just a stupid Florida thing to
say but anyway um yeah we'll go with
Bose and we'll go with uh 10 because
that's how many days Ray Hos was
unconscious
okay love it um I'm gonna go
with like six that's what I was gonna
guess you were gonna choose yeah I'm
like six six and a half because it was
really fun it was super interesting it
was paced well um yeah I liked it
yeah it's a very easy series to read and
just like I also feel like you can pick
it up and you can put it down and like
cuz I read the first two back to back
and then it's still on my list to come
back to which I like I like that you I
feel like you when you commit to a
series I plow through them but also just
like Ray Hos I don't possess the
capacity right now to read anything
challenging
and so I was like I could look for other
things to read but I'm not going to no
it's a fun easy read and if you don't
mind Alien Dick you'll also likely
really enjoy it
if you do mind Alien Dick maybe look for
a different series i don't really know
how you made it this far in the episode
right and might I recommend like a JS
Scott series if you're not into the
Alien but you want an easy read
i just picked up
um a Carla Sorenson series that I hadn't
read yet and I feel like she's a good
easy Yeah read i read a couple series
back toback that I'm like this is very
convoluted and I just needed something a
little Mhm more simple and
straightforward in that regard um but
all that said I'm have no doubt we will
review more Ruby Dixon in the future
it's very enjoyable it is very enjoyable
absolutely um let us know how many bows
and arrows if you're feeling fancy you
would rate what is I just was going to
say ice planet barbarian but that's not
barbarian alien
barbarian alien is it that hold on let
me double check myself i am this is
incredible it is barbarian alien
barbarian alien i was right
um let us know how many bows you would
rate Barbarian
Alien ice Planet Barbarians 2: Electric
Bugaloo thank you so much for listening
see y'all next time bye smut [ __ ] bye
smart puppies well that's it for this
week smut [ __ ] we hope it was good for
you cuz it sure was great for us if
you're digging what we're doing it would
mean a lot if you'd take a minute to
rate and review the show wherever you're
listening right now maybe tell that sexy
someone to lend us an ear we love you we
appreciate you and we'll see you next
week stay smiley
[Music]