WEBVTT 00:00:02.850 --> 00:00:06.870 Matt Abrahams: New beginnings allow us the opportunity to reflect, learn, and grow. 00:00:07.140 --> 00:00:12.000 As we enter 2026, I hope everyone takes a moment to identify a few actions and 00:00:12.000 --> 00:00:16.920 approaches you learned in 2025 that you hope to implement in the new year. 00:00:17.700 --> 00:00:20.880 We can all benefit from a fresh start in the new year. 00:00:21.450 --> 00:00:24.390 My name is Matt Abrahams and I teach strategic communication at 00:00:24.390 --> 00:00:26.070 Stanford Graduate School of Business. 00:00:26.340 --> 00:00:29.610 Welcome to Think Fast Talk Smart, the podcast. 00:00:30.480 --> 00:00:32.730 2025 was an exceptional year. 00:00:32.970 --> 00:00:35.100 Here at Think Fast Talk Smart we expanded the number of 00:00:35.100 --> 00:00:36.690 episodes we release each month. 00:00:36.990 --> 00:00:39.180 We now have video for every episode. 00:00:39.475 --> 00:00:42.805 We have more detailed release notes and English language learning content 00:00:42.805 --> 00:00:46.615 for each episode, and we started a robust online learning community 00:00:46.615 --> 00:00:48.415 that keeps growing every day. 00:00:49.045 --> 00:00:53.185 But most importantly, we've had the opportunity to learn so many important 00:00:53.185 --> 00:00:57.715 and insightful skills to help us hone and develop our communication and careers. 00:00:58.225 --> 00:01:01.975 Sticking with our annual tradition, I'd like to share with you ten ideas from 00:01:01.975 --> 00:01:07.075 this past year's episodes that I'm working on to put into practice in my own life. 00:01:07.515 --> 00:01:11.055 In what follows, i'll share the guest's name and episode number before 00:01:11.055 --> 00:01:14.535 providing a summary of the concept and how I'm trying to apply it. 00:01:15.075 --> 00:01:18.135 I'll start with the more recent episodes and work backwards. 00:01:18.585 --> 00:01:22.125 I hope my strivings ignite some ideas for you to implement. 00:01:23.505 --> 00:01:26.345 Gina Bianchini, episode 243. 00:01:26.715 --> 00:01:30.495 Facilitation is productive, proactive serendipity. 00:01:31.095 --> 00:01:35.295 The ability to convene people and guide them towards important, meaningful goals, 00:01:35.295 --> 00:01:39.885 regardless of if they're personal or professional, is really challenging. 00:01:40.335 --> 00:01:43.785 I think facilitation is one of the most challenging communication skills 00:01:43.785 --> 00:01:48.405 because you have to manage so many things, timing, context, differing 00:01:48.405 --> 00:01:49.905 personalities and approaches. 00:01:50.325 --> 00:01:54.615 At times, I can be overstructured in the way I run meetings or host events. 00:01:54.975 --> 00:02:00.515 Gina's advice reminds me to plan, to architect, but not to be too controlling. 00:02:00.994 --> 00:02:03.995 I'm learning to let go and allow things to happen. 00:02:04.354 --> 00:02:07.835 For my future events, I now plan to set things in motion by thoughtfully 00:02:07.835 --> 00:02:12.005 planning an agenda, organizing the environment, and providing some high level 00:02:12.005 --> 00:02:14.085 input, like initial opening questions. 00:02:14.435 --> 00:02:18.930 But then I'm going to try to step back and let the event unfold organically. 00:02:20.730 --> 00:02:24.540 Gina Bianchini: The social lubricant that exists to create 00:02:24.540 --> 00:02:29.760 networks of people and communities of people come from confidence. 00:02:30.150 --> 00:02:35.160 When you feel good, when you feel like you have something to bring to the picnic. 00:02:35.609 --> 00:02:39.329 And so a facilitator also does something really important, which 00:02:39.329 --> 00:02:42.524 is, I'm gonna make sure you don't feel like you're on the spot. 00:02:42.765 --> 00:02:48.915 So in facilitating I'm gonna structure, I'm gonna guide, I'm going to be 00:02:49.005 --> 00:02:55.394 in charge of the experience that we are creating here together, so that 00:02:55.755 --> 00:02:57.524 you get results and transformation. 00:02:58.484 --> 00:03:00.644 Matt Abrahams: Muriel Wilkins, episode 240. 00:03:00.855 --> 00:03:02.535 Toxic productivity. 00:03:02.760 --> 00:03:05.010 Getting things done at any cost. 00:03:05.655 --> 00:03:07.424 I am a really bad sleeper. 00:03:07.695 --> 00:03:08.445 Always have been. 00:03:08.804 --> 00:03:12.734 A lot of it has to do with not being able to turn off my brain when I try to sleep. 00:03:13.065 --> 00:03:16.095 I'm super driven and I run my life by a to-do list. 00:03:16.484 --> 00:03:20.144 Muriel helped me realize that my drive to get things done, what she 00:03:20.144 --> 00:03:24.375 calls toxic productivity, actually works against me because it drains my 00:03:24.375 --> 00:03:26.595 energy and my productivity decreases. 00:03:27.235 --> 00:03:31.525 My new practice based on my conversation with her, is to take time every Sunday 00:03:31.525 --> 00:03:35.455 to prioritize what I can accomplish on a given day for the upcoming week. 00:03:35.935 --> 00:03:38.725 And at the end of each day, instead of focusing on all the things 00:03:38.725 --> 00:03:42.775 I did not get done, I try to celebrate the things I did complete. 00:03:43.225 --> 00:03:44.995 I feel more energized and focused. 00:03:45.415 --> 00:03:48.500 Although I'm still not sleeping super well, I am feeling better. 00:03:49.230 --> 00:03:50.820 More work to be done on the sleep. 00:03:52.080 --> 00:03:54.720 Muriel Wilkins: There is healthy productivity and toxic productivity. 00:03:54.720 --> 00:03:59.640 Toxic productivity is getting things done at any cost, and it is universally 00:03:59.640 --> 00:04:04.740 applied across anything that has the notion of needing to be completed. 00:04:05.040 --> 00:04:08.940 And by the way, the toxic productivity is really driven by 00:04:08.940 --> 00:04:11.105 a mindset of, I need it done now. 00:04:11.745 --> 00:04:16.875 There's a sense of urgency in everything and everything needs to be done. 00:04:17.084 --> 00:04:21.015 While healthy productivity is more about doing things and 00:04:21.015 --> 00:04:22.815 focusing on things that matter. 00:04:23.115 --> 00:04:27.224 So beyond that, you have to understand then what is it that matters, right? 00:04:27.224 --> 00:04:31.725 There's a certain level of prioritization that needs to happen, and the belief that 00:04:31.725 --> 00:04:37.390 will drive the healthy productivity is more around something like, I'll do the 00:04:37.390 --> 00:04:40.299 best that I can with the time that I have. 00:04:40.599 --> 00:04:44.919 So what I love about that is that it takes into account that we have 00:04:44.919 --> 00:04:46.900 constraints, whether we like it or not. 00:04:47.080 --> 00:04:48.250 We have guardrails. 00:04:48.490 --> 00:04:51.580 And the guardrails are what is the best that I can do? 00:04:51.580 --> 00:04:55.810 Meaning what is within my capabilities, or my team's capabilities, or the 00:04:55.810 --> 00:04:59.569 organization's capabilities, and what is the time limit that I have? 00:04:59.909 --> 00:05:02.705 And then, what's doable within that timeframe? 00:05:03.005 --> 00:05:07.775 And there is a cost to both toxic and an opportunity with healthy 00:05:08.015 --> 00:05:11.675 that we can see happen within organizations, but also on ourselves. 00:05:11.675 --> 00:05:14.315 So most people don't really discern between the two. 00:05:14.315 --> 00:05:18.185 They just think about being productive rather than shifting their mindset 00:05:18.185 --> 00:05:20.975 so that they can have one type of productivity versus the other. 00:05:21.895 --> 00:05:24.265 Matt Abrahams: Jenn Wynn, episode 222. 00:05:24.615 --> 00:05:27.165 Synergy is on the other side of dialogue. 00:05:27.555 --> 00:05:30.885 I really appreciated Jenn's advice on difficult conversations. 00:05:31.215 --> 00:05:34.605 I find that my initial instinct in many conflictual situations is to 00:05:34.605 --> 00:05:37.005 retreat, or the opposite, jump right in. 00:05:37.395 --> 00:05:41.685 The reality is that I need to engage the other person as a partner to explore 00:05:41.685 --> 00:05:43.425 and problem solve the issue at hand. 00:05:43.905 --> 00:05:46.425 It's about the conversation, the dialogue. 00:05:46.845 --> 00:05:49.875 When I approach a challenging conversation, I now try to start by 00:05:49.875 --> 00:05:53.475 asking an open-ended question that demonstrates I want to understand the 00:05:53.475 --> 00:05:55.485 other person's perspective and situation. 00:05:55.875 --> 00:05:59.085 I next try to paraphrase to show I appreciate what they said. 00:05:59.445 --> 00:06:03.045 I remind myself that understanding and appreciation do not mean I 00:06:03.045 --> 00:06:07.065 agree, but they do open the door for collaborating and connecting. 00:06:08.515 --> 00:06:12.445 Jenn Wynn: So sometimes the issue is not listening enough and sometimes 00:06:12.445 --> 00:06:15.535 it's not showing that we are listening. 00:06:15.685 --> 00:06:17.485 So those are two distinct skill sets. 00:06:17.605 --> 00:06:20.935 At the end of the day, I think about dialogue as the free flow of meaning. 00:06:21.175 --> 00:06:25.795 And so if I've done it well, effective dialogue grows the shared 00:06:25.795 --> 00:06:27.565 pool of understanding between us. 00:06:27.989 --> 00:06:31.560 I understand how you made meaning of a situation, and you understand 00:06:31.560 --> 00:06:33.299 how I made meaning of a situation. 00:06:33.840 --> 00:06:36.570 So that means that I've gotta inquire. 00:06:36.630 --> 00:06:40.289 I've gotta ask enough questions to understand how you experienced that, 00:06:40.469 --> 00:06:43.710 that client meeting, that argument my husband and I may have had. 00:06:44.039 --> 00:06:48.719 And then once I've listened, internalized, the meaning you 00:06:48.719 --> 00:06:52.590 made, I've gotta paraphrase it back as a check for my understanding. 00:06:53.070 --> 00:06:57.555 A real humble attempt to say, this is my summary of what I think you 00:06:57.555 --> 00:06:59.414 experienced, but is that right? 00:06:59.925 --> 00:07:00.945 Fix what I'm missing? 00:07:00.945 --> 00:07:02.925 Is it half right and I miss the other half? 00:07:03.284 --> 00:07:07.935 And once we can paraphrase, this is a skill that, honestly, I think it's 00:07:07.935 --> 00:07:10.815 like punching above its weight, right? 00:07:10.815 --> 00:07:14.354 After I've taken all this time to really ask these open, thoughtful questions, 00:07:14.354 --> 00:07:19.905 get curious, understand your perspective, make sure you show the person that 00:07:19.905 --> 00:07:21.914 you are internalizing what they said. 00:07:21.914 --> 00:07:24.615 And like you said, it's not agreeing, it's just acknowledging. 00:07:24.705 --> 00:07:28.995 And when they finally say yes, that's it, then you've grown the 00:07:28.995 --> 00:07:31.484 shared pool of understanding, at least from their perspective. 00:07:31.515 --> 00:07:35.294 And then you can go share yours, and that's where you move into advocacy. 00:07:35.294 --> 00:07:38.325 But at the end of the day, the balance you're looking for is 00:07:38.385 --> 00:07:41.370 inquiry, paraphrasing, and advocacy. 00:07:41.730 --> 00:07:44.550 And inquiry and paraphrasing are listening skills. 00:07:44.760 --> 00:07:48.120 Both to understand what the other person experienced and confirm 00:07:48.120 --> 00:07:51.930 with them that my understanding was correct of their experience. 00:07:53.040 --> 00:07:55.780 Matt Abrahams: Richard Edelman, episode 215. 00:07:56.160 --> 00:07:57.660 Actions build trust. 00:07:57.870 --> 00:08:00.570 If you don't do something, you can't talk about it. 00:08:01.050 --> 00:08:03.925 Trust is fundamental to all of our relationships and wellbeing. 00:08:04.545 --> 00:08:08.445 Last year, one of my top ten actions came from Jamil Zaki to trust 00:08:08.445 --> 00:08:12.285 loudly by speaking out my trust in people, like saying, I trust 00:08:12.285 --> 00:08:13.845 you to act on what we discussed. 00:08:14.235 --> 00:08:17.685 Richard builds on this by reminding us that we do trust, 00:08:17.865 --> 00:08:19.185 we don't just talk about it. 00:08:19.725 --> 00:08:21.975 I'm trying to implement this advice in two ways. 00:08:22.305 --> 00:08:25.665 I now thank people when they put trust in me, and I follow up and 00:08:25.665 --> 00:08:27.585 share what I've done as a result. 00:08:27.914 --> 00:08:30.555 For example, a colleague of mine recently asked me to teach 00:08:30.555 --> 00:08:32.085 a class they needed to miss. 00:08:32.564 --> 00:08:35.625 I thank them for trusting me to cover their content, and after I 00:08:35.625 --> 00:08:38.804 taught the class, I sent an email detailing what I had done and 00:08:38.804 --> 00:08:40.424 how the students had responded. 00:08:41.534 --> 00:08:44.054 Richard Edelman: I think action builds trust. 00:08:44.355 --> 00:08:47.235 If you don't do something, you can't talk about it. 00:08:47.865 --> 00:08:54.375 The second is to speak broadly, meaning talk to your employees first 00:08:54.895 --> 00:08:56.635 and then talk to other stakeholders. 00:08:56.655 --> 00:08:57.584 So inside out. 00:08:58.155 --> 00:09:02.805 And then the third is as there's been dispersion of authority, you have to 00:09:02.805 --> 00:09:05.745 talk, but then the employees have to talk. 00:09:05.745 --> 00:09:12.454 It has to be a cadence, and there has to be a broad inclusion of 00:09:12.454 --> 00:09:17.890 forms of media, again, from creators to podcasters to mainstream. 00:09:19.380 --> 00:09:21.980 Matt Abrahams: Alex Rodriguez, episode 201. 00:09:22.290 --> 00:09:24.990 Communication is an unselfish act. 00:09:25.380 --> 00:09:28.980 ARod clearly summarizes one of the most frequently cited bits of 00:09:28.980 --> 00:09:30.570 advice we have heard on the show. 00:09:31.080 --> 00:09:32.910 Communication is not about you. 00:09:33.240 --> 00:09:34.440 It's about your audience. 00:09:34.770 --> 00:09:37.165 It's not about what you want, but what others need. 00:09:38.130 --> 00:09:41.460 The reality is that all of us suffer from the curse of knowledge and the 00:09:41.460 --> 00:09:45.810 curse of passion, which leads us to make assumptions, go too deep, use jargon. 00:09:46.260 --> 00:09:49.110 The only antidote to the curse of knowledge and passion 00:09:49.200 --> 00:09:51.270 is empathy and curiosity. 00:09:51.660 --> 00:09:54.030 You need to be curious enough to think about what is important 00:09:54.030 --> 00:09:56.730 to your audience and empathetic enough to do something about it. 00:09:57.210 --> 00:10:01.680 Whenever I write, teach, or present, I now try to ask myself four questions that 00:10:01.680 --> 00:10:03.810 help me tailor my messages to my audience. 00:10:04.290 --> 00:10:07.380 First, I'll ask, what is their knowledge level on my topic? 00:10:07.950 --> 00:10:09.600 What are their attitudes on the topic? 00:10:10.140 --> 00:10:13.890 Third, what are their areas of resistance, hesitation, and concern? 00:10:14.219 --> 00:10:18.689 And finally, what motivates them and how can they benefit from what I'm saying? 00:10:20.040 --> 00:10:23.250 Alex Rodriguez: I think someone that I would say has their ten thousand hours 00:10:23.250 --> 00:10:24.689 and whatever they're talking about, right? 00:10:24.689 --> 00:10:26.880 Because you, you can't replace credibility. 00:10:27.150 --> 00:10:32.850 Someone who can speak passionately and clearly and don't speak in too 00:10:32.850 --> 00:10:34.860 many jargons and too many acronyms. 00:10:34.860 --> 00:10:37.380 Like really give it to me like as simple as possible. 00:10:37.734 --> 00:10:40.944 And someone who can actually lead me to my next question. 00:10:41.214 --> 00:10:43.285 So there's a little bit of a revolver. 00:10:43.584 --> 00:10:45.204 Monologues are never fun. 00:10:45.535 --> 00:10:47.305 Uh, I much more have a dialogue. 00:10:47.694 --> 00:10:50.305 It's more dynamic, it's more commercial, it's more sellable, 00:10:50.305 --> 00:10:51.444 it's better for television. 00:10:51.895 --> 00:10:54.385 Keeping it tight I also think it's really important. 00:10:54.750 --> 00:10:58.050 I think a lot of communicators sometimes think about, what do I have to do to 00:10:58.050 --> 00:11:00.030 be a great communicator to sound smart? 00:11:00.330 --> 00:11:02.550 I think you should be asking, who am I talking to? 00:11:02.820 --> 00:11:06.750 Who am I communicating with and what nuggets and value can I bring them? 00:11:06.870 --> 00:11:08.340 Because it's really about them. 00:11:08.400 --> 00:11:13.260 It's an unselfish act, it's not a selfish act, and that's a big difference. 00:11:14.070 --> 00:11:16.350 Matt Abrahams: Spontaneous speaking miniseries, episodes 00:11:16.350 --> 00:11:19.910 197, 198, 1 99, and 203. 00:11:20.370 --> 00:11:23.010 Be present and prepare to be spontaneous. 00:11:23.835 --> 00:11:27.314 I really enjoyed our four episode miniseries on spontaneous speaking. 00:11:27.645 --> 00:11:32.625 We all got valuable advice from six guest coaches like Peter Sagal and Chris Voss. 00:11:33.015 --> 00:11:36.225 They taught us specific ways to be in the moment and to respond 00:11:36.225 --> 00:11:37.574 calmly to what is needed. 00:11:38.055 --> 00:11:41.625 The two things I'm working on the most from these episodes is to listen 00:11:41.625 --> 00:11:44.355 deeply and practice being spontaneous. 00:11:44.855 --> 00:11:47.345 I find this most helpful when I'm answering questions 00:11:47.345 --> 00:11:48.665 during a Q and A session. 00:11:49.145 --> 00:11:53.045 In the past, once I got the gist of what somebody was asking, I would simply 00:11:53.045 --> 00:11:57.035 start thinking of my answer, essentially disconnecting and going inside my head. 00:11:57.605 --> 00:12:01.475 Now I really try to listen thoroughly and either paraphrase the question 00:12:01.535 --> 00:12:03.064 or ask a follow-up question. 00:12:03.855 --> 00:12:07.755 Both paraphrasing and asking a question require deep present listening. 00:12:08.295 --> 00:12:11.685 Additionally, to practice being spontaneous, I'll often work with 00:12:11.685 --> 00:12:16.605 an AI tool like ChatGPT or Gemini to generate potential questions for me. 00:12:17.084 --> 00:12:20.535 I feel like an athlete doing practice drills, so when I'm in the game 00:12:20.535 --> 00:12:24.525 of Q and A, I can be agile and prepared for whatever comes my way. 00:12:25.725 --> 00:12:28.755 Chris Voss: It's just practice, it's preparation, it's putting 00:12:28.755 --> 00:12:30.375 in the hours ahead of time. 00:12:30.675 --> 00:12:33.834 Anything that looks easy, that somebody makes look easy, 00:12:33.834 --> 00:12:34.975 they put a lot of time in. 00:12:35.545 --> 00:12:41.275 And so like any skill, you break it down into small pieces and you 00:12:41.334 --> 00:12:45.715 practice it live, and then you practice it in small stakes interactions. 00:12:45.895 --> 00:12:49.915 As a hostage negotiator, I had enough confidence in a process and I'm like, 00:12:49.915 --> 00:12:52.675 all right, I don't know sure how this is gonna come out, but the best 00:12:52.675 --> 00:12:55.074 outcome is by just follow the process. 00:12:55.105 --> 00:12:57.025 This is the best chance of success. 00:12:58.135 --> 00:12:59.005 Peter Sagal: You have to be present. 00:12:59.005 --> 00:13:03.915 I think that is the key to anything like what I do for a living, is 00:13:03.915 --> 00:13:08.444 to constantly work on, as Ram Dass told us, being here, now. 00:13:08.655 --> 00:13:12.735 And being attuned to what's happening, being attuned to the possibilities 00:13:12.915 --> 00:13:16.425 of what the future may hold, where this could go, steering it 00:13:16.665 --> 00:13:18.285 toward the choice that you prefer. 00:13:19.844 --> 00:13:22.275 Matt Abrahams: Ada Aka, episode 191. 00:13:22.454 --> 00:13:26.714 Memorable words are concrete, emotional, and informal. 00:13:27.255 --> 00:13:27.975 Words matter. 00:13:28.395 --> 00:13:31.005 There are many ways to say things, but Ada shared with us 00:13:31.005 --> 00:13:32.834 certain words are more memorable. 00:13:33.225 --> 00:13:36.525 I now spend more time thinking about my word choice in my interpersonal 00:13:36.525 --> 00:13:38.805 communication and my social media. 00:13:39.165 --> 00:13:41.535 In fact, I'll let you in behind the scenes. 00:13:41.954 --> 00:13:45.285 Every Friday, the Think Fast Talk Smart team comes together and names 00:13:45.285 --> 00:13:48.704 our episodes, and we determine the two or three words that will 00:13:48.704 --> 00:13:50.655 appear on each episode's show art. 00:13:51.089 --> 00:13:53.819 It's a fun game and I look forward to playing it every week. 00:13:54.329 --> 00:13:57.420 We always take into account Ada's guidance to use concrete, 00:13:57.689 --> 00:13:59.550 emotional, and informal wording. 00:13:59.880 --> 00:14:03.089 Next time you listen to an episode, take a look at the title and show art. 00:14:03.495 --> 00:14:04.125 How'd we do? 00:14:04.455 --> 00:14:05.145 Was it memorable? 00:14:06.405 --> 00:14:10.064 Ada Aka: What you can do is, at the end of everything, average all of these 00:14:10.064 --> 00:14:14.505 probabilities to say, what are the words that stick in people's minds over time? 00:14:14.775 --> 00:14:17.925 And then that's the point that I think is quite fascinating. 00:14:17.925 --> 00:14:22.175 Certain words are intrinsically more memorable than others beyond where 00:14:22.175 --> 00:14:26.944 they were presented, what they were next to, or who the person was even. 00:14:27.334 --> 00:14:30.365 And those types of things I think we can look at two different buckets. 00:14:30.395 --> 00:14:34.175 What we call psycholinguistic variables that relate to language 00:14:34.175 --> 00:14:37.775 related properties of the words, things like concreteness, a word like 00:14:37.775 --> 00:14:39.635 mountain is gonna be more memorable. 00:14:39.814 --> 00:14:42.855 Of course, emotions matter quite a bit as well, both in 00:14:42.855 --> 00:14:44.935 terms of valence and arousal. 00:14:45.485 --> 00:14:49.115 And then contextual diversity was another variable that stood out. 00:14:49.115 --> 00:14:53.585 So how many different contexts things appear relate to how much you're 00:14:53.585 --> 00:14:55.355 gonna remember those words later on. 00:14:55.655 --> 00:15:00.275 Informal language also stood out as being some of the words that tend to be more 00:15:00.275 --> 00:15:04.985 memorable, so if your context allows for it, I would also say incorporating, 00:15:04.985 --> 00:15:08.645 scattering some of these informal language words like oops, for example, might 00:15:08.645 --> 00:15:13.185 be relevant in terms of catching your attention and later making you remember, 00:15:13.204 --> 00:15:16.655 not just that word, but that's what's around that particular word as well. 00:15:17.314 --> 00:15:19.855 Matt Abrahams: Matt Lieberman, episode 188. 00:15:20.314 --> 00:15:23.795 When someone hears a persuasive message, they try on a new identity 00:15:23.795 --> 00:15:26.745 and decide if they want to be like that kind of person or not. 00:15:27.479 --> 00:15:30.930 Matt's idea profoundly affected how I think about persuasion. 00:15:31.439 --> 00:15:35.280 Much of my persuasion simply provides all the reasons somebody should change 00:15:35.280 --> 00:15:36.750 in line with what I want them to do. 00:15:37.170 --> 00:15:39.599 I tell my students to study so they'll get good grades. 00:15:39.599 --> 00:15:42.000 I tell my kids to get sleep so they'll be healthy. 00:15:42.480 --> 00:15:46.020 But Matt's suggestion implies that persuasion can be more effective 00:15:46.230 --> 00:15:49.320 if we invite the people we're trying to persuade to imagine 00:15:49.320 --> 00:15:51.660 themselves having made the change. 00:15:52.050 --> 00:15:55.590 In effect, invite them to try on or consider themselves doing 00:15:55.590 --> 00:15:58.335 the action or taking on the attitude we want them to have. 00:15:59.345 --> 00:16:02.765 Well, I haven't abandoned my old ways of just layering on reasons to do 00:16:02.765 --> 00:16:06.515 what I want people to do, I now tell more stories that paint the picture 00:16:06.515 --> 00:16:08.405 of what could be for the person. 00:16:08.855 --> 00:16:12.845 I use phrases like, what if you could, or imagine what it would be like if? 00:16:14.375 --> 00:16:18.035 Matt Lieberman: Part of what is happening when someone is delivering a persuasive 00:16:18.035 --> 00:16:23.740 message is that at some level you're trying on a new identity, you can either 00:16:23.800 --> 00:16:27.430 choose to adopt that identity 'cause you're like, I'd like to be that person. 00:16:27.430 --> 00:16:32.350 I'd like to be the person who smokes less, who gets more steps in every day. 00:16:32.350 --> 00:16:34.900 Like, that's an identity I would like to embrace. 00:16:35.200 --> 00:16:38.680 Or it's an identity where you're like, yeah, I can't see that being me. 00:16:38.740 --> 00:16:41.020 And then that's part of rejecting things. 00:16:41.320 --> 00:16:46.845 And so I think part of what our self exists for is to allow for the 00:16:46.845 --> 00:16:49.155 influence of the social world around us. 00:16:49.155 --> 00:16:53.805 In the West we tend to think our identity keeps the world from getting in and 00:16:53.805 --> 00:16:55.695 making us do things we don't want to do. 00:16:56.115 --> 00:16:59.925 But I think it's a conduit for getting in the world's norms into your head 00:16:59.925 --> 00:17:03.645 when you're young, and then occasionally updating those when you're like, 00:17:03.645 --> 00:17:05.655 that's an identity I could try on. 00:17:06.735 --> 00:17:09.275 Matt Abrahams: Arthur Brooks, episode 181. 00:17:09.795 --> 00:17:14.595 Meaning in life has three parts, coherence, purpose, and significance. 00:17:15.165 --> 00:17:17.954 These days, I find myself being more thoughtful about how I spend 00:17:17.954 --> 00:17:19.754 my time and with whom I spend it. 00:17:20.204 --> 00:17:23.444 Maybe it's because I'm getting older and hopefully wiser, but I want my 00:17:23.444 --> 00:17:25.095 actions and time to have meaning. 00:17:25.724 --> 00:17:28.845 Arthur's articulation of the three components of what makes for a 00:17:28.845 --> 00:17:30.345 meaningful life has been very helpful. 00:17:31.295 --> 00:17:33.965 I've turned them into a decision making tool of sorts. 00:17:34.385 --> 00:17:37.805 When a new opportunity arises, I ask myself how it aligns with my 00:17:37.805 --> 00:17:39.665 vision for what I want to focus on. 00:17:40.175 --> 00:17:42.155 What am I passionate about in the task? 00:17:42.485 --> 00:17:44.795 And I ask, does it really matter to me? 00:17:45.905 --> 00:17:48.575 Arthur Brooks: So you know, what's the meaning of life is too big a question. 00:17:48.665 --> 00:17:51.725 When you break it up into smaller questions, however, it's something you 00:17:51.725 --> 00:17:53.555 really can pursue pretty effectively. 00:17:53.615 --> 00:17:56.285 Meaning has three parts for people. 00:17:56.615 --> 00:17:58.115 The first is called coherence. 00:17:58.435 --> 00:18:01.554 And that's the question, why do things happen the way that they do? 00:18:01.554 --> 00:18:03.715 You need to have a belief about why things happen. 00:18:03.985 --> 00:18:05.215 The second is purpose. 00:18:05.215 --> 00:18:06.715 Purpose and meaning are not the same thing. 00:18:06.715 --> 00:18:11.115 Purpose is goals and direction, the direction in which your life is 00:18:11.115 --> 00:18:13.545 going for what particular reason. 00:18:13.545 --> 00:18:16.185 And last, but not least, is significance. 00:18:16.185 --> 00:18:17.805 Why does it matter that I'm alive? 00:18:17.985 --> 00:18:19.635 Would it matter if I weren't alive? 00:18:19.695 --> 00:18:21.555 You need answers to that particular question. 00:18:21.765 --> 00:18:24.705 So I get at it with a kind of a two question quiz. 00:18:24.705 --> 00:18:27.225 You can kind of collapse that into two question quiz that I give my 00:18:27.225 --> 00:18:29.645 students, and by the way, that I give my adult children too. 00:18:29.955 --> 00:18:34.565 The key to finding meaning is to go in search of the answers to two questions. 00:18:34.605 --> 00:18:36.035 Why am I alive? 00:18:36.405 --> 00:18:38.429 And for what would I be willing to die? 00:18:38.909 --> 00:18:41.040 And that's important because the first question is, who 00:18:41.040 --> 00:18:42.659 created me or for what reason? 00:18:42.659 --> 00:18:43.169 Or both? 00:18:43.709 --> 00:18:44.730 You need a theory about that. 00:18:44.730 --> 00:18:46.110 You need a belief about that. 00:18:46.110 --> 00:18:48.720 You need something that you're willing to stake a claim on it. 00:18:48.720 --> 00:18:52.980 And second is, what would you go to your grave with a smile on your face for? 00:18:53.010 --> 00:18:54.300 What would you give your life for? 00:18:54.300 --> 00:18:57.720 And if the answer is nothing or I don't know, you just flunked the quiz. 00:18:57.899 --> 00:19:00.360 But that's good news because now you know to go in search of. 00:19:01.495 --> 00:19:03.985 Matt Abrahams: Laurie Santos, episode 179. 00:19:04.274 --> 00:19:07.695 Negative emotions are like the engine light on your dashboard of your car. 00:19:07.965 --> 00:19:10.845 If you don't deal with them now, worse things will happen. 00:19:11.504 --> 00:19:14.985 It's so easy for me to distract myself from the negative emotions I feel. 00:19:15.435 --> 00:19:17.564 Laurie's advice is to tackle them head on. 00:19:17.895 --> 00:19:20.955 She reminds us that one way to be happy is to do things that make us 00:19:20.955 --> 00:19:24.945 happy, but the other way is to reduce the things that make us unhappy. 00:19:25.305 --> 00:19:26.475 We need to do both. 00:19:26.955 --> 00:19:30.465 Ever since having a conversation with her, I try a three step approach. 00:19:30.735 --> 00:19:34.215 When I feel a negative emotion, being upset, frustrated, jealous, 00:19:34.575 --> 00:19:36.105 first I sit with the emotion. 00:19:36.555 --> 00:19:39.885 This is hard for me, but I try to feel it and understand it. 00:19:40.455 --> 00:19:42.555 Second, I give myself a little grace. 00:19:42.825 --> 00:19:43.785 This is also hard. 00:19:44.325 --> 00:19:48.695 I say it makes sense to feel this emotion because, and third, I 00:19:48.695 --> 00:19:51.405 come up with an action plan to address the negative feeling. 00:19:51.705 --> 00:19:54.014 Sometimes it's as simple as journaling about it. 00:19:54.165 --> 00:19:56.565 Other times it's having a challenging conversation. 00:19:57.044 --> 00:20:00.855 But I have found this not only makes me feel better, but it makes it easier the 00:20:00.855 --> 00:20:02.895 next time I feel that negative emotion. 00:20:04.425 --> 00:20:06.750 Laurie Santos: I work with college students where, just culturally right 00:20:06.750 --> 00:20:10.125 now, we have these conversations about good vibes only, and you know, 00:20:10.125 --> 00:20:13.815 you experience any frustration or like mild sadness or fear before a 00:20:13.815 --> 00:20:17.115 test and you're like I have to get clinically evaluated, something's wrong. 00:20:17.445 --> 00:20:21.405 And so I think yes, it is important that we have negative emotions, like 00:20:21.405 --> 00:20:25.155 an appropriate good life with lots of goals and values is gonna have 00:20:25.155 --> 00:20:28.515 some negative emotions, and they're there to do something that's really 00:20:28.515 --> 00:20:32.235 evolutionarily important, which is that they signal how we should behave. 00:20:32.565 --> 00:20:36.315 We know evolutionarily we have these bodily sensations that don't feel good, 00:20:36.315 --> 00:20:37.860 but that they're really important, right? 00:20:37.860 --> 00:20:41.939 You put your hand on a hot stove, you know that's gonna be painful, but it's the pain 00:20:41.939 --> 00:20:43.469 that's telling you to do something, right? 00:20:43.469 --> 00:20:45.209 It's telling you, hey, move your hand. 00:20:45.629 --> 00:20:47.850 And I like to think of negative emotions the same way, right? 00:20:47.850 --> 00:20:50.790 If you're feeling sad or feeling lonely, that means you might need to 00:20:50.790 --> 00:20:54.389 make changes in your life that kind of deal with that loneliness or sadness. 00:20:54.449 --> 00:20:57.370 If you're feeling angry, that's often a sense that there's some 00:20:57.429 --> 00:20:59.979 sense of justice that's being violated that you need to fix. 00:21:00.250 --> 00:21:03.669 A big one if you're feeling overwhelmed, right, that's an honest signal that you 00:21:03.669 --> 00:21:05.139 need to take something off your plate. 00:21:05.139 --> 00:21:08.590 And so I think of negative emotions as kind of like the, the engine 00:21:08.590 --> 00:21:10.540 light on our dashboard in our cars. 00:21:10.540 --> 00:21:13.600 It's sort of a pain in the butt, but if you don't deal with that, then, you 00:21:13.600 --> 00:21:15.909 know, worse things are gonna happen later when you're on the highway. 00:21:15.909 --> 00:21:17.800 And negative emotions work the same way. 00:21:18.930 --> 00:21:19.710 Matt Abrahams: Well, there you have it. 00:21:19.890 --> 00:21:23.520 The ten concepts I'm actively working on in 2026 to hone and 00:21:23.520 --> 00:21:25.350 develop my communication and career. 00:21:25.770 --> 00:21:28.560 I hope my list has inspired you to create a list for yourself. 00:21:29.160 --> 00:21:32.520 What Think Fast Talk Smart tips and tools will you work on this year? 00:21:33.105 --> 00:21:34.665 Remember, you're not alone in this effort. 00:21:34.995 --> 00:21:37.545 We have lots of great episodes and activities coming up 00:21:37.545 --> 00:21:38.805 this year to help you. 00:21:39.255 --> 00:21:41.955 And please consider joining our Think Fast Talk Smart Learning 00:21:41.955 --> 00:21:45.585 Community to collaborate and learn from listeners like you around the 00:21:45.585 --> 00:21:48.895 globe at fastersmarter.io/learning. 00:21:51.375 --> 00:21:53.985 Thank you for joining us for another episode of Think 00:21:53.985 --> 00:21:55.605 Fast Talk Smart, the podcast. 00:21:56.095 --> 00:22:01.735 To learn my list of topics from 2025, please listen to episode 177 and the list 00:22:01.735 --> 00:22:05.265 from 2024 can be found in episode 120. 00:22:05.815 --> 00:22:11.034 This episode was produced by Katherine Reed, Ryan Campos, and me, Matt Abrahams. 00:22:11.245 --> 00:22:13.134 With thanks to Podium Podcast Company. 00:22:13.465 --> 00:22:16.584 Please find us on YouTube and wherever you get your podcasts. 00:22:16.834 --> 00:22:18.634 Be sure to subscribe and rate us. 00:22:18.814 --> 00:22:21.274 Follow us on LinkedIn, TikTok, and Instagram. 00:22:21.604 --> 00:22:25.174 And check out fastersmarter.io for resources like English language 00:22:25.174 --> 00:22:27.004 learning content and our newsletter. 00:22:27.394 --> 00:22:32.614 For ad free content, you can subscribe on Apple or at fastersmarter.io/premium. 00:22:33.124 --> 00:22:35.944 Finally, consider joining our global learning community at 00:22:35.944 --> 00:22:38.644 fastersmarter.io/learning.