Why "I'll Try" Is the Most Dishonest Thing You Can Say (with Carla Ondrasik)

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Most of us have been taught that trying is virtuous — that saying "I'll try" signals good intentions and a willingness to show up. But what if trying is actually a way of opting out? What if it's the most socially acceptable excuse we've built into our language — a built-in escape hatch dressed up as effort? That's the question that sits at the center of this conversation, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since we recorded.

Carla Ondrasik spent twenty years in the competitive world of music publishing — a world where trying, in her words, means dying. She's worked with artists at the highest levels of the industry, and she's spent the last two decades studying the psychology and neuroscience behind why we say we'll try and what it actually costs us. Her book, Stop Trying: The Life Transforming Power of Trying Less and Doing More, is one of those rare reads that reframes something so ordinary and so deeply ingrained that you can't un-see it once it's been named. I know, because she caught me using the word in the middle of our conversation — while talking about her book. That's how deep this goes.

Six Discussion Points

• Trying is a mental activity, not a physical one. Carla makes a simple but devastating distinction: doing is a strong, determined action; trying is the loop you run in your head while the thing stays undone. The "try test" she walks through in the episode makes this viscerally clear in about thirty seconds.
• We use "try" to avoid accountability — and to avoid saying no. The word opens a door for excuses and blame before anything has even been attempted. Carla unpacks how trying functions as a social shield, letting us appear committed while quietly reserving the right to bail.
• Talking about what you're trying to do tricks your brain into feeling like you're doing it. The dopamine, serotonin, and adrenaline hits from announcing your intentions are real — and they're why so many people are still "trying to write a book" five years later. Talking about it is stealing the reward your brain should only get from finishing it.
• Saying "no" clearly is kinder than saying "I'll try." People pleasing drives a huge portion of our try behavior, and it's one of the most corrosive patterns Carla covers. An honest no respects everyone's time and attention — including your own. The other person stops saving you a seat. You stop dreading the follow-up.
• Silence protects the doing. Carla wrote her entire book without telling most people. The reason is strategic, not secretive: outside opinions — even well-meaning ones — introduce doubt, friction, and the need to justify the work before it's done. Protecting your goals with silence is a way of keeping all the energy pointed in one direction.
• A no-try life starts small. Awareness comes first, then one small completion — the junk drawer, the bag of clothes you meant to donate. The neurochemical reward from finishing even a tiny thing creates the momentum to do the next one. This is how the pattern breaks.

Three Connection Points

1. Carla's book and resources: stop-trying.com — including where to find the book in print, digital, and audio formats.
2. Carla on Instagram: @carlaondrasik — she posts daily reminders and real-world examples of the try/do distinction.
3. Related reading on intentional action: Stop Doing Productive and Start Being Productive — if the distinction between trying and doing resonates, the idea of moving from doing productive to being productive goes even deeper here.

The shift Carla is describing isn't just semantic — it's a structural change in how you relate to your own intentions. When you stop using "try" as a buffer between yourself and commitment, something has to fill that space: a real decision, in either direction. Do it or don't. Both are more honest than the middle ground most of us live in. If this conversation landed, I'd encourage you to sit with it before moving on. And if you've got someone in your life who lives in try mode — consider what one honest conversation might make possible.

If this episode resonated, I’m exploring ideas like these more deeply in my upcoming book, Productiveness. You can follow along as it takes shape at mikevardy.com/productiveness.

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