1 00:00:00,066 --> 00:00:02,600 that's actually what happened that's what I call 2 00:00:02,600 --> 00:00:05,200 observe and describe you observe 3 00:00:05,333 --> 00:00:08,333 what happened and described it which is very neutral 4 00:00:08,333 --> 00:00:09,866 versus like my child's 5 00:00:09,866 --> 00:00:11,533 being so bad if I don't do something 6 00:00:11,533 --> 00:00:13,500 about this he's gonna grow up hitting everyone 7 00:00:13,500 --> 00:00:14,900 he's gonna get kicked out of school 8 00:00:14,900 --> 00:00:16,333 no one's gonna be his friend 9 00:00:16,333 --> 00:00:18,700 all the parents are gonna judge me you know 10 00:00:18,700 --> 00:00:20,300 you go down that road yeah 11 00:00:20,433 --> 00:00:23,133 that's exactly that's exactly what happens 12 00:00:30,233 --> 00:00:33,033 welcome back to raising men if you've ever 13 00:00:33,066 --> 00:00:34,000 had a toddler 14 00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:36,500 throw themselves on the floor because you 15 00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:40,366 cut their toast the wrong way well you know how intense 16 00:00:40,500 --> 00:00:43,333 those early years can be but what 17 00:00:43,333 --> 00:00:45,833 if we frame toddlerhood not 18 00:00:45,833 --> 00:00:47,833 as something that we have to endure 19 00:00:47,833 --> 00:00:51,733 but as one of the richest seasons for growth both 20 00:00:51,800 --> 00:00:55,333 for our kids and for us as parents 21 00:00:55,900 --> 00:00:59,533 today I'm joined by Devin Coonsman she's the author 22 00:00:59,533 --> 00:01:01,966 of Transforming Toddlerhood and the founder 23 00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:04,900 of the business by that same name she's on a mission 24 00:01:04,933 --> 00:01:07,100 to rewrite the story 25 00:01:07,100 --> 00:01:09,500 that we tell about this stage of life 26 00:01:09,733 --> 00:01:12,400 she helps parents move from chaos to connection 27 00:01:12,666 --> 00:01:15,500 from power struggles to partnership and from guilt 28 00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:17,233 to Grace Devin 29 00:01:17,533 --> 00:01:21,133 welcome to raising men thank you so much for having me 30 00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:25,233 well so so so many parents myself included 31 00:01:25,666 --> 00:01:29,900 just absolutely brace themselves for the terrible twos 32 00:01:30,400 --> 00:01:32,133 but you're promoting a different way of thinking 33 00:01:32,133 --> 00:01:34,133 about toddlerhood tell me about it 34 00:01:34,933 --> 00:01:37,433 yes you know we all get told 35 00:01:37,433 --> 00:01:40,200 whenever we have a baby and then that baby starts 36 00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:42,900 crawling and then that baby's about to start walking 37 00:01:42,900 --> 00:01:45,733 just wait just wait until they're a toddler 38 00:01:45,733 --> 00:01:47,733 just wait until they're two just wait 39 00:01:47,733 --> 00:01:51,433 until they're a teenager everyone like warns 40 00:01:51,433 --> 00:01:53,933 us and then I find that we enter toddlerhood 41 00:01:53,933 --> 00:01:54,866 kind of like white 42 00:01:54,866 --> 00:01:58,233 knuckling it like oh man what are we getting into here 43 00:01:58,500 --> 00:02:00,266 and what I like to tell 44 00:02:00,266 --> 00:02:05,133 families is that when we are focused on mitigating 45 00:02:05,133 --> 00:02:05,800 something 46 00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:08,733 that hasn't even happened yet we're already training 47 00:02:08,733 --> 00:02:11,866 our brains to look for what 48 00:02:11,866 --> 00:02:13,133 we would say would be like 49 00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:16,300 negative or the behavior we don't wanna see 50 00:02:16,300 --> 00:02:18,300 so of course we're gonna start noticing 51 00:02:18,300 --> 00:02:20,400 that if we're hyper focused on 52 00:02:20,400 --> 00:02:24,200 what's gonna go wrong when our kid turns 1 2 3 53 00:02:24,200 --> 00:02:28,333 you know and so if we start looking at twos 54 00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:31,133 as a critical developmental period 55 00:02:31,133 --> 00:02:32,266 instead of a terrible 56 00:02:32,266 --> 00:02:34,633 developmental period because it sets the stage 57 00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:37,200 for brain development for emotional development 58 00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:40,633 for the rest of your child's life then we actually can 59 00:02:40,633 --> 00:02:43,666 support our child's development and be empowered 60 00:02:43,666 --> 00:02:45,733 but if we're just looking for the terrible 61 00:02:45,933 --> 00:02:47,200 then we're actually doing 62 00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:48,900 ourselves a disservice as parents 63 00:02:48,900 --> 00:02:50,633 we're gonna feel a lot more frustrated 64 00:02:50,666 --> 00:02:54,466 and we're gonna have a lot less access to being able to 65 00:02:54,466 --> 00:02:56,266 really support our child's development 66 00:02:56,266 --> 00:02:58,233 because we're too busy focused on 67 00:02:58,233 --> 00:03:00,833 you know what's gonna go wrong or be bad about it 68 00:03:00,833 --> 00:03:03,833 yeah I have a business mentor that used to say to me 69 00:03:04,266 --> 00:03:07,633 um used to say your biggest opportunity 70 00:03:07,866 --> 00:03:10,433 is often your biggest problem and vice versa 71 00:03:10,433 --> 00:03:12,900 your biggest problem is often your biggest opportunity 72 00:03:12,900 --> 00:03:15,533 and that has you know in the business 73 00:03:15,533 --> 00:03:17,633 context always helped me really reframe 74 00:03:18,033 --> 00:03:21,333 what I'm looking at as the other thing which is 75 00:03:21,333 --> 00:03:21,900 a really 76 00:03:21,900 --> 00:03:24,433 really useful thing and we look at toddlerhood as 77 00:03:24,433 --> 00:03:27,233 this enormous problem oh man I'm gonna have to endure 78 00:03:27,333 --> 00:03:29,733 and you know set boundaries and do all of that 79 00:03:29,733 --> 00:03:30,933 but if you think about it as 80 00:03:30,933 --> 00:03:34,200 wait no I have the opportunity to really set them on 81 00:03:34,200 --> 00:03:37,500 the right trajectory it it changes your behavior 82 00:03:37,900 --> 00:03:41,466 absolutely everything that we treat as a problem 83 00:03:41,466 --> 00:03:42,633 is an opportunity 84 00:03:42,633 --> 00:03:45,600 for learning an opportunity for growth whether that 85 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:47,333 is our child's tantrum 86 00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:50,533 or if we lose our patience as the parent 87 00:03:50,533 --> 00:03:53,733 all of these so called problems truly are opportunities 88 00:03:53,733 --> 00:03:56,466 so I love thinking about this in the business context 89 00:03:56,466 --> 00:04:00,000 too absolutely is true in parenting so how 90 00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:02,333 so tell me about how it works how do how do toddlers 91 00:04:02,333 --> 00:04:04,933 actually learn and communicate 92 00:04:04,933 --> 00:04:06,900 through their emotions and behavior 93 00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:09,433 yeah so in toddlerhood 94 00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:12,833 in my book I talk a lot about younger toddlers versus 95 00:04:12,833 --> 00:04:13,533 older toddlers 96 00:04:13,533 --> 00:04:16,200 so I think to have this conversation is good to establish 97 00:04:16,200 --> 00:04:18,966 like okay what's a toddler here so 98 00:04:18,966 --> 00:04:22,266 I like to talk about younger toddlers ages 1 and 2 99 00:04:22,266 --> 00:04:25,866 and these are our younger ones that um are definitely 100 00:04:25,866 --> 00:04:28,000 in toddlerhood and they have very 101 00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:30,133 limited expressive language skills 102 00:04:30,133 --> 00:04:33,433 so they're not able to tell us a lot about what they're thinking 103 00:04:33,433 --> 00:04:36,866 and feeling and need but they absolutely 104 00:04:36,866 --> 00:04:39,033 can understand a lot of what we're saying 105 00:04:39,100 --> 00:04:42,200 then we have 3 and 4 year olds that are older toddlers 106 00:04:42,233 --> 00:04:46,500 that still have the same lack of brain maturation 107 00:04:46,700 --> 00:04:48,900 lack of skills although they're learning 108 00:04:48,900 --> 00:04:51,633 more because they have a little more life experience 109 00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:54,100 but now they have a better command of expressive 110 00:04:54,100 --> 00:04:56,633 language so they're gonna start experimenting 111 00:04:56,666 --> 00:04:59,633 with words to communicate how they feel 112 00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:02,433 but they're gonna miss the Mark so they're gonna say things like 113 00:05:02,433 --> 00:05:05,600 you're not my friend anymore I don't know you're mean 114 00:05:05,600 --> 00:05:07,833 things like that whereas like a one and two year olds 115 00:05:07,833 --> 00:05:11,966 going to use their behavior a lot more to express their 116 00:05:12,000 --> 00:05:13,233 um feelings emotions 117 00:05:13,233 --> 00:05:15,966 and needs and so what we really need to understand 118 00:05:16,633 --> 00:05:19,500 instead of labeling behavior as good and bad 119 00:05:19,500 --> 00:05:21,700 we need to label behavior 120 00:05:21,700 --> 00:05:25,033 as communication it's communicating 121 00:05:25,033 --> 00:05:26,900 your child's feelings and emotions 122 00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:30,966 their level of brain maturation their the lower brain 123 00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:33,633 the um more primal part of our brain that's 124 00:05:33,633 --> 00:05:35,633 responsible for feelings and emotions 125 00:05:35,633 --> 00:05:36,933 the stress response 126 00:05:36,933 --> 00:05:38,933 I call that the Conan the barbarian brain 127 00:05:38,933 --> 00:05:40,833 as opposed to the Sherlock Holmes brain 128 00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:43,666 exactly yeah it's like this part of the brain 129 00:05:43,666 --> 00:05:46,266 is really well developed for toddlers 130 00:05:46,266 --> 00:05:47,200 that's why they drop 131 00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:49,266 down there so quickly and so often 132 00:05:49,266 --> 00:05:50,700 whereas the part of the brain that's 133 00:05:50,700 --> 00:05:53,966 responsible for emotional regulation logical thinking 134 00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:57,700 um empathy all of this is not very mature 135 00:05:57,700 --> 00:06:00,733 so toddlers have a harder time staying there 136 00:06:00,733 --> 00:06:03,600 so we're going to see them using behavior 137 00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:05,033 to communicate 138 00:06:05,100 --> 00:06:09,500 their um their feelings and emotions their basic needs 139 00:06:09,833 --> 00:06:12,833 their sensory needs and their developmental needs 140 00:06:12,833 --> 00:06:14,133 like the need to feel capable 141 00:06:14,133 --> 00:06:16,500 to exert their will to have a sense of control 142 00:06:16,500 --> 00:06:17,900 to experiment and explore 143 00:06:17,900 --> 00:06:20,333 these are all things your toddler is working on 144 00:06:20,333 --> 00:06:23,333 because the whole point of toddlerhood 145 00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:25,066 is for your little one to 146 00:06:25,066 --> 00:06:28,633 become their own person to develop a sense of self 147 00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:30,866 for the very first time in their lives 148 00:06:30,866 --> 00:06:32,866 realizing they're a separate individual 149 00:06:32,866 --> 00:06:35,733 from their parents and caregivers so what do 150 00:06:36,133 --> 00:06:39,600 you know I found that in my experience 151 00:06:39,700 --> 00:06:43,233 and I I remembered even when they were little babies 152 00:06:43,233 --> 00:06:45,600 it felt like they were trying to manipulate me 153 00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:49,633 or they were scheming to try and get you know 154 00:06:49,733 --> 00:06:50,866 I don't know more candy or 155 00:06:50,866 --> 00:06:52,900 or whatever it was but obviously 156 00:06:52,900 --> 00:06:55,000 I mean they're not they're they're behaving 157 00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:56,233 out of that cone in the barbarian 158 00:06:56,233 --> 00:06:58,066 brain what are the tactics I need 159 00:06:58,066 --> 00:07:01,300 in order to keep myself in the Sherlock Holmes brain 160 00:07:01,433 --> 00:07:04,033 from and and keep myself from dropping down there 161 00:07:04,033 --> 00:07:07,500 and and and getting in a fight 162 00:07:08,433 --> 00:07:11,433 yeah it's so easy to jump on your child's 163 00:07:11,433 --> 00:07:12,833 emotional roller coaster 164 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:16,600 the first thing we need to do after we understand that 165 00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:18,533 you know all behavior is communication 166 00:07:18,533 --> 00:07:19,900 we have to like reframe 167 00:07:19,900 --> 00:07:23,466 the story we're telling ourselves about that behavior 168 00:07:23,466 --> 00:07:26,800 so instead of saying oh my kids being so manipulative 169 00:07:26,833 --> 00:07:28,900 when we kind of get to the root of what's happening 170 00:07:28,900 --> 00:07:32,433 which toddlers are reliant on us to really 171 00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:34,866 meet their needs their physical needs 172 00:07:34,866 --> 00:07:37,466 their emotional needs and so they're being 173 00:07:37,466 --> 00:07:40,700 strategic to ensure their needs are met 174 00:07:40,700 --> 00:07:43,266 whether that's to get another piece of candy 175 00:07:43,266 --> 00:07:45,000 or to like feel connected 176 00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:47,866 to us or to like get their next meal because 177 00:07:47,866 --> 00:07:49,500 I mean your kid can't just 178 00:07:49,500 --> 00:07:51,800 hop in the car go to the grocery store 179 00:07:52,400 --> 00:07:54,500 cook up a meal and things like that so 180 00:07:54,500 --> 00:07:57,066 I think we sometimes forget that young children 181 00:07:57,066 --> 00:08:00,966 are just reliant on us to get all of these needs met 182 00:08:01,033 --> 00:08:03,200 so as soon as we can start saying 183 00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:06,633 my toddler's not being bad they're having a hard time 184 00:08:06,633 --> 00:08:09,600 we're going to start looking at solutions 185 00:08:09,700 --> 00:08:12,700 and how do we help our child have the skills 186 00:08:12,700 --> 00:08:13,700 or have the support 187 00:08:13,700 --> 00:08:16,200 they need to be successful versus asking ourselves 188 00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:18,600 what punishment does my child need 189 00:08:18,633 --> 00:08:20,366 so if you're thinking 190 00:08:21,133 --> 00:08:24,266 how do I not jump on this roller coaster 191 00:08:24,266 --> 00:08:27,100 we really have to tell ourselves we have to like 192 00:08:27,100 --> 00:08:29,333 tell ourselves when we start getting in that stress 193 00:08:29,333 --> 00:08:31,400 response hey wait a minute brain 194 00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:34,100 you're trying to trick me you're trying to trick me 195 00:08:34,100 --> 00:08:35,700 into this sense of urgency 196 00:08:35,700 --> 00:08:38,500 you're trying to trick me that there is a threat 197 00:08:38,666 --> 00:08:40,433 right now so we literally 198 00:08:40,433 --> 00:08:43,400 have to just make sure our kids are physically safe 199 00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:45,233 and that we're physically safe 200 00:08:45,300 --> 00:08:47,833 um you know if your child's hitting you have to 201 00:08:47,833 --> 00:08:48,800 put them down 202 00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:51,500 you have to create some space between you maybe you 203 00:08:51,500 --> 00:08:52,800 have to like put a pillow 204 00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:55,866 between the two of you whatever it is to like tell your brain 205 00:08:55,866 --> 00:08:59,400 hi we're safe here this is not an emergency 206 00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:02,366 yeah and then you can start to ground yourself 207 00:09:02,466 --> 00:09:05,000 and come back up to your upper brain 208 00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:07,633 and be more regulated but 209 00:09:07,866 --> 00:09:11,000 we have we're really fighting against that innate 210 00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:11,866 biology 211 00:09:11,866 --> 00:09:14,833 that's trying to tell us there's a threat there yeah 212 00:09:14,833 --> 00:09:17,666 one of the issues I have is I like to see two 213 00:09:17,666 --> 00:09:20,066 data points and then I'll draw a line between the two 214 00:09:20,066 --> 00:09:23,400 and then I'll act as if we're all the way over in the 215 00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:25,166 infinite extension of that line 216 00:09:25,466 --> 00:09:30,400 as if if I let the kid get away with you know whatever 217 00:09:30,433 --> 00:09:34,000 then when he's an adult he's gonna do X 218 00:09:34,533 --> 00:09:35,733 right I 219 00:09:36,300 --> 00:09:41,566 I have to actively beat down that reflex in myself 220 00:09:41,900 --> 00:09:43,700 and just recognize that it's that fear 221 00:09:43,700 --> 00:09:47,333 loop right that like that like extrapolation that 222 00:09:47,333 --> 00:09:50,800 we we go into whenever we're like feeling that stress 223 00:09:50,800 --> 00:09:53,700 response yeah yeah it it is 224 00:09:54,066 --> 00:09:57,133 and and I'm almost when I'm doing that I'm almost 225 00:09:57,133 --> 00:09:59,166 worried about how it reflects on myself 226 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,000 as opposed to how it's 227 00:10:03,066 --> 00:10:06,700 how it's gonna impact him when he's older 228 00:10:06,933 --> 00:10:10,566 and you know I think taking the ego out of it 229 00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:13,800 is another real important key to 230 00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:15,400 being able to manage that 231 00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:19,333 yeah this is why a lot of parenting truly is mindset 232 00:10:19,333 --> 00:10:22,100 because if we get stuck in these thought loops yeah 233 00:10:22,100 --> 00:10:23,533 where we're 234 00:10:24,133 --> 00:10:25,433 telling ourselves a story 235 00:10:25,433 --> 00:10:27,733 about our child's behavior like oh 236 00:10:27,933 --> 00:10:31,500 they're gonna grow up to be a brat manipulative 237 00:10:31,500 --> 00:10:34,500 a bully or whatever or we get into thought loops 238 00:10:34,500 --> 00:10:37,000 about the story we're telling ourselves about 239 00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:40,500 you know our parenting oh we have no control 240 00:10:40,700 --> 00:10:42,733 we're doing a bad job or ruining 241 00:10:42,733 --> 00:10:45,633 our kid you know all of the thought loop or 242 00:10:45,633 --> 00:10:46,700 am I gonna be judged 243 00:10:46,700 --> 00:10:49,900 or people gonna think I didn't do a good job you know whatever it is 244 00:10:49,900 --> 00:10:51,600 right it's all of these um 245 00:10:51,633 --> 00:10:55,300 thought loops that really stem from um 246 00:10:55,300 --> 00:10:58,700 that place of like fear and being in the unknown 247 00:10:58,700 --> 00:11:01,733 because our minds don't like to be out in the unknown 248 00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:03,833 um and so it's really 249 00:11:03,833 --> 00:11:06,000 about shifting our mindset to interrupt 250 00:11:06,000 --> 00:11:09,500 these story loops that we tell ourselves that 251 00:11:09,500 --> 00:11:13,300 really take us out of the present moment and you know 252 00:11:13,300 --> 00:11:15,033 put us into a place of fear 253 00:11:15,033 --> 00:11:16,633 and then we're acting from fear 254 00:11:16,633 --> 00:11:18,866 of the future of something that may never happen 255 00:11:18,866 --> 00:11:19,833 instead of what's actually 256 00:11:19,833 --> 00:11:22,266 happening in the moment'cause what's happening in the moment 257 00:11:22,266 --> 00:11:23,566 per se is like 258 00:11:24,333 --> 00:11:27,400 I was holding my kiddo and getting him a glass of milk 259 00:11:27,400 --> 00:11:31,100 but he just woke up from his nap and was still groggy and sleepy and I wasn't 260 00:11:31,100 --> 00:11:34,366 moving fast enough and he like bought me on the head 261 00:11:34,466 --> 00:11:36,633 and like that's 262 00:11:36,666 --> 00:11:39,200 that's actually what happened that's what I call 263 00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:41,800 observe and describe you observe 264 00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:44,933 what happened and described it which is very neutral 265 00:11:44,933 --> 00:11:46,466 versus like my child's 266 00:11:46,466 --> 00:11:49,600 being so bad if I don't do something about this he's gonna grow up hitting 267 00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:50,800 everyone he's gonna get kicked 268 00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:52,933 out of school no one's gonna be his friend 269 00:11:52,933 --> 00:11:55,333 all the parents are gonna judge me you know 270 00:11:55,333 --> 00:11:56,933 you go down that road yeah 271 00:11:57,066 --> 00:11:59,733 that's exactly that's exactly what happens 272 00:12:00,066 --> 00:12:01,600 and so I mean that's a really 273 00:12:01,600 --> 00:12:02,700 this observe and describe 274 00:12:02,700 --> 00:12:05,100 thing is a really great practical tool uh 275 00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:07,366 walk me through how that works in practice 276 00:12:07,733 --> 00:12:10,833 like let's let's continue with this with this 277 00:12:10,866 --> 00:12:12,566 um with this example 278 00:12:12,933 --> 00:12:14,666 he bonks you on the head as you get him 279 00:12:14,666 --> 00:12:18,000 as as you get him some milk what do you do yeah 280 00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:20,233 so typically you'll see this type of behavior 281 00:12:20,233 --> 00:12:24,033 from like a kid that's between 1 and 2 years old where they're just experimenting 282 00:12:24,033 --> 00:12:26,266 with their bodies and how to use their bodies 283 00:12:26,266 --> 00:12:30,400 to communicate because they can't say like faster or 284 00:12:30,466 --> 00:12:32,700 this is taking so long or I really need milk 285 00:12:32,700 --> 00:12:37,600 right now or whatever it is so what you might do is um 286 00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:39,733 if it just happened once and your child's 287 00:12:39,733 --> 00:12:42,800 not like really really upset you might just say oh 288 00:12:43,066 --> 00:12:44,400 you just hit me 289 00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:47,366 are you trying to say you want the milk 290 00:12:47,733 --> 00:12:52,433 you can say milk please milk please 291 00:12:52,933 --> 00:12:55,200 use your hand gentle like this 292 00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:59,600 you know so it's really about creating connection 293 00:13:00,333 --> 00:13:02,400 setting limits and following through 294 00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:03,900 and teaching skills 295 00:13:03,900 --> 00:13:07,633 this is the recipe for healthy effective discipline and 296 00:13:07,633 --> 00:13:08,600 say that your child's 297 00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:11,333 though really upset and they're like going to a tantrum and they're like 298 00:13:11,333 --> 00:13:13,966 flailing and hitting and things like that 299 00:13:14,066 --> 00:13:15,066 then you have to respond 300 00:13:15,066 --> 00:13:17,000 a little different you have to start with the limit 301 00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:20,466 because if not if you don't establish that safety 302 00:13:20,466 --> 00:13:22,233 you're going to feel um 303 00:13:23,100 --> 00:13:25,233 more and more stressed and get into that like stress 304 00:13:25,233 --> 00:13:27,933 response right so I might say something like 305 00:13:27,933 --> 00:13:30,566 I won't let you hit hitting hurts 306 00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:32,900 and then maybe give like um 307 00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:34,500 you know set them down or 308 00:13:34,500 --> 00:13:36,400 say oh you can hit this cushion 309 00:13:36,466 --> 00:13:38,800 you can't hit Mommy something like that 310 00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:40,833 and then once they're like calming 311 00:13:40,833 --> 00:13:44,033 down a little bit I might say wow 312 00:13:44,100 --> 00:13:46,733 looks like you were feeling frustrated 313 00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:50,366 you wanted that milk faster and Mama wasn't fast enough 314 00:13:50,533 --> 00:13:53,633 when you want milk you say milk please 315 00:13:53,866 --> 00:13:56,166 because it's really about teaching skills 316 00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:58,200 yeah when kids have the skills 317 00:13:58,500 --> 00:14:00,500 to communicate they do better 318 00:14:01,033 --> 00:14:03,933 I think a lot of the time especially you know before 319 00:14:04,133 --> 00:14:05,300 I really developed 320 00:14:05,300 --> 00:14:07,466 the skills to deal with that sort of thing 321 00:14:07,466 --> 00:14:10,400 in a healthy way not that I do all the time by any 322 00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:11,633 stretch of the imagination oh we're 323 00:14:11,633 --> 00:14:13,000 no one's perfect here yeah 324 00:14:13,100 --> 00:14:15,433 exactly because we're human beings we like literally 325 00:14:15,433 --> 00:14:18,233 are incapable of being 100% consistent 326 00:14:18,233 --> 00:14:20,333 100% perfect it's like not even possible 327 00:14:20,333 --> 00:14:21,700 as human beings yeah 328 00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:24,466 but it was easy for me to forget that 329 00:14:24,466 --> 00:14:27,766 this this really is a skill thing they they don't 330 00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:31,000 I wouldn't get mad at them for not being able to walk 331 00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:33,100 or run and yet 332 00:14:33,100 --> 00:14:34,633 I'll get mad at them for not having 333 00:14:34,633 --> 00:14:37,766 the interpersonal skills required in order to 334 00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:41,733 express dissatisfaction in a healthy way that's insane 335 00:14:42,333 --> 00:14:44,700 yeah cause they just don't have the life experience 336 00:14:44,700 --> 00:14:47,400 and the brain maturation and the impulse control 337 00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:50,266 yeah and that's the thing it's like a child's impulse 338 00:14:50,266 --> 00:14:52,300 control at the at this age 339 00:14:52,300 --> 00:14:54,833 especially in toddlerhood is much lower 340 00:14:54,933 --> 00:14:59,300 then their developmental drive to exert their will 341 00:14:59,300 --> 00:15:03,966 and to you know like they're just not able to 342 00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:06,333 control themselves in these moments and 343 00:15:06,433 --> 00:15:09,900 I I typically say like okay we wouldn't punish a child 344 00:15:09,900 --> 00:15:11,600 who's like learning to ride 345 00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:14,733 a bike and like falling down or like learning to swim 346 00:15:14,733 --> 00:15:16,233 like who has ever punished a child 347 00:15:16,233 --> 00:15:18,600 who's like learning to swim and like doesn't have the skills 348 00:15:18,600 --> 00:15:21,500 yet right but that's the difference between 349 00:15:21,500 --> 00:15:25,133 like the hard skills you know like physical skills 350 00:15:25,133 --> 00:15:26,533 and then like the soft skills 351 00:15:26,533 --> 00:15:29,033 which are social emotional skills because 352 00:15:29,033 --> 00:15:32,533 social emotional skills are harder to see 353 00:15:32,666 --> 00:15:36,433 we sometimes forget that those skills indeed 354 00:15:36,466 --> 00:15:39,000 are there and they are still a skill 355 00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:39,833 they're actually skills 356 00:15:40,066 --> 00:15:41,833 yeah and you have to develop them 357 00:15:42,100 --> 00:15:45,366 now let's let's continue this um 358 00:15:45,466 --> 00:15:47,700 this example that we talked about with the milk 359 00:15:48,100 --> 00:15:51,700 as the as as a toddler gets older 360 00:15:52,933 --> 00:15:56,100 the the communication switches from behavior to verbal 361 00:15:56,100 --> 00:15:57,566 right yes so 362 00:15:57,600 --> 00:16:00,566 you know is do you the way that you deal with it 363 00:16:00,700 --> 00:16:01,800 is it different 364 00:16:02,333 --> 00:16:05,433 um when they're starting to melt down 365 00:16:05,666 --> 00:16:08,400 instead of you know hitting you or pushing you 366 00:16:09,133 --> 00:16:12,933 yeah so we regardless of like a child's 367 00:16:12,933 --> 00:16:15,633 age I still use the same framework but 368 00:16:15,633 --> 00:16:16,933 the things we do and say 369 00:16:16,933 --> 00:16:19,600 inside the framework might change a little bit 370 00:16:19,633 --> 00:16:24,966 so let's say that we have a child who is um having 371 00:16:25,133 --> 00:16:28,000 a tantrum let's say that you gave them milk 372 00:16:28,166 --> 00:16:28,933 and then they wanted 373 00:16:28,933 --> 00:16:31,500 more milk but that's like not within your limits 374 00:16:31,500 --> 00:16:32,800 that the milk is all done 375 00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:34,566 you know that we're not giving more milk 376 00:16:34,633 --> 00:16:37,133 and so then they start getting really upset 377 00:16:37,133 --> 00:16:39,266 because it's typical when we set a limit 378 00:16:39,266 --> 00:16:40,933 for a child to have a reaction 379 00:16:40,933 --> 00:16:43,133 to that because we just took away 380 00:16:43,133 --> 00:16:45,900 their sense of control which they're developmentally 381 00:16:45,900 --> 00:16:47,266 driven to have a sense of 382 00:16:47,266 --> 00:16:48,266 control because they're trying to 383 00:16:48,266 --> 00:16:49,500 become their own individual 384 00:16:49,500 --> 00:16:51,700 so when we take away that sense of control 385 00:16:51,933 --> 00:16:55,600 they're not gonna like it right so they're gonna say something about it so now your kiddo is 386 00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:56,966 headed into a meltdown 387 00:16:57,066 --> 00:17:00,233 the biggest thing to do during a meltdown you might 388 00:17:00,500 --> 00:17:03,233 less is more typically but you might say 389 00:17:03,600 --> 00:17:07,166 oh you really wanted more milk and the milk is finished 390 00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:10,433 and then your you know your child is just um 391 00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:12,200 upset and crying yeah 392 00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:14,033 so the biggest thing that you can do during 393 00:17:14,033 --> 00:17:16,033 that time is just ground yourself 394 00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:19,100 take deep breaths and try to keep your 395 00:17:20,133 --> 00:17:23,566 emotions in check yeah because the calmer you can stay 396 00:17:23,700 --> 00:17:26,133 emotions are contagious and so that will 397 00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:28,966 wear off eventually it works both ways right 398 00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:29,800 emotions are contagious 399 00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:31,900 so when they're melting down it wants me to melt down 400 00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:33,866 exactly because then we're trying to jump on their 401 00:17:33,866 --> 00:17:35,633 emotional roller coaster and we're like wait 402 00:17:35,633 --> 00:17:38,233 someone's got to pull the brakes here yeah so 403 00:17:38,233 --> 00:17:40,800 you can't do that if you're on the roller coaster so 404 00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:42,700 the biggest mistake though I see parents 405 00:17:42,700 --> 00:17:44,200 make when it comes to tantrums 406 00:17:44,200 --> 00:17:46,100 besides punishing a kid for having a tantrum 407 00:17:46,100 --> 00:17:48,533 when really they're just having a hard time coping here 408 00:17:48,533 --> 00:17:50,433 um is that 409 00:17:50,533 --> 00:17:54,133 parents will sit and like stand by the refrigerator 410 00:17:54,500 --> 00:17:57,300 in this example waiting for their child to 411 00:17:57,300 --> 00:17:59,566 decide to stop crying and accept the limit 412 00:17:59,700 --> 00:18:01,600 the challenge is is that if we 413 00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:03,400 don't start moving forward 414 00:18:03,666 --> 00:18:06,700 then our child will think there's a chance 415 00:18:07,066 --> 00:18:09,866 there's a chance they might just open that fridge 416 00:18:09,866 --> 00:18:12,633 and give me another sip of milk so it's 417 00:18:12,633 --> 00:18:16,733 important to not only say okay the milk's all done 418 00:18:17,233 --> 00:18:19,566 but to also move forward 419 00:18:19,633 --> 00:18:22,700 so you might like grab like a cup of water and say 420 00:18:22,700 --> 00:18:25,600 oh there's water here when you're ready and 421 00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:27,000 you know you set it on the table 422 00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:28,866 and then maybe you go turn on some music 423 00:18:28,866 --> 00:18:31,366 you get out a toy you start playing 424 00:18:31,600 --> 00:18:35,000 when your child sees you moving forward then 425 00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:36,733 they're more likely to move forward 426 00:18:36,733 --> 00:18:40,733 because they see like any chance of you backtracking 427 00:18:40,866 --> 00:18:42,433 has like that train's left the station 428 00:18:42,433 --> 00:18:44,300 yeah it's not it's not gonna happen yeah 429 00:18:44,866 --> 00:18:49,166 yeah I I can see I mean that appeals to me as an adult 430 00:18:49,266 --> 00:18:52,966 I can imagine times where you know I'm not getting 431 00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:56,833 what I want but the person is still kind of dangling it in front of me and then 432 00:18:56,833 --> 00:18:58,666 that sort of gives me hope and then I I 433 00:18:58,666 --> 00:19:01,633 stick with that and then whereas if we move on past it 434 00:19:02,033 --> 00:19:06,100 then I can I can start handling it 435 00:19:06,433 --> 00:19:08,466 yeah and let me take this example a step further 436 00:19:08,466 --> 00:19:10,333 for all the parents that are like okay 437 00:19:10,333 --> 00:19:13,300 yeah well I just put that cup of water on the table 438 00:19:13,433 --> 00:19:15,700 and of course if I have a kid having a tantrum 439 00:19:15,700 --> 00:19:17,500 I'm probably gonna make sure there's a lid on it 440 00:19:17,500 --> 00:19:20,833 and at least a lid um but hopefully in like a spill 441 00:19:20,966 --> 00:19:23,666 proof like water bottle type of thing but if not 442 00:19:23,666 --> 00:19:26,666 and your kid just goes and like swipes off the table 443 00:19:26,666 --> 00:19:29,066 cause they're mad and they don't want that water yeah 444 00:19:29,066 --> 00:19:32,400 we might be so tempted to say what are you doing 445 00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:35,066 you don't do that clean that up right now 446 00:19:35,066 --> 00:19:36,633 you know whatever it is go to your room 447 00:19:36,633 --> 00:19:39,600 sit in the corner that's bad you know whatever it is 448 00:19:39,633 --> 00:19:41,233 but we have to understand 449 00:19:41,233 --> 00:19:43,100 that our kid is like seeing 450 00:19:43,100 --> 00:19:44,466 red they're out of their minds 451 00:19:44,466 --> 00:19:48,533 right now they're not doing this to be bad they're doing this to convey 452 00:19:48,700 --> 00:19:50,633 how frustrated and upset 453 00:19:50,633 --> 00:19:53,166 and then you got people say well they should just know better 454 00:19:53,533 --> 00:19:55,400 you know what when your kiddo's 455 00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:58,833 not losing their mind and upset and stuck in a stress 456 00:19:58,833 --> 00:20:02,066 response in that lower brain they do 457 00:20:02,066 --> 00:20:03,333 know that they shouldn't 458 00:20:03,333 --> 00:20:06,333 swipe water and you know throw water off a table 459 00:20:06,333 --> 00:20:07,533 yeah however 460 00:20:08,100 --> 00:20:10,933 in that moment being stuck in a stress response 461 00:20:11,033 --> 00:20:13,500 our kids are not thinking rationally yeah 462 00:20:13,500 --> 00:20:15,233 they are just trying to communicate 463 00:20:15,233 --> 00:20:17,533 their deep displeasure the 464 00:20:17,666 --> 00:20:22,766 best way they know how so what we need to do is 465 00:20:23,300 --> 00:20:26,033 let our kid get over the hump of the tantrum 466 00:20:26,033 --> 00:20:27,233 tantrums are always kind of like a bell 467 00:20:27,233 --> 00:20:29,566 curve right like at some point it's gonna peak 468 00:20:29,733 --> 00:20:31,700 and then they're gonna come down the other side yeah 469 00:20:31,700 --> 00:20:34,133 and then when they're coming down the other side 470 00:20:34,233 --> 00:20:37,033 that's when they can start to hear us again 471 00:20:37,066 --> 00:20:38,333 and we're like connecting 472 00:20:38,333 --> 00:20:40,066 and then we say something like 473 00:20:40,066 --> 00:20:43,700 you were so upset you threw the water off the table 474 00:20:44,600 --> 00:20:48,033 let's clean that up water stays on the table 475 00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:51,300 let's clean that up together and you give them like a 476 00:20:51,300 --> 00:20:53,000 sponge you get a sponge and then 477 00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:56,400 you know you go clean it up that's teaching 478 00:20:57,066 --> 00:21:00,833 that's teaching like our actions have a consequence 479 00:21:00,833 --> 00:21:03,666 yeah but like in a logical way 480 00:21:03,666 --> 00:21:08,233 right not in an adult imposed arbitrary consequence 481 00:21:08,233 --> 00:21:09,733 where we're like now you have no 482 00:21:09,733 --> 00:21:12,500 screen time the rest of the day or no dessert tonight 483 00:21:12,500 --> 00:21:14,500 yeah that's an arbitrary 484 00:21:14,500 --> 00:21:18,700 consequence not a logical consequence which is like you 485 00:21:19,100 --> 00:21:21,033 spilled the water through the water 486 00:21:21,033 --> 00:21:24,933 now we need to clean up the water yeah yeah and I think 487 00:21:24,933 --> 00:21:27,733 you know I I can imagine that one of the the 488 00:21:27,866 --> 00:21:30,633 the push backs against that concept is 489 00:21:30,666 --> 00:21:32,333 no they need to be punished 490 00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:34,566 because they need to learn that they can't spill water 491 00:21:34,666 --> 00:21:36,333 and that's the answer to that yeah 492 00:21:36,333 --> 00:21:37,033 the way they're learning 493 00:21:37,033 --> 00:21:39,733 that is the natural consequence of having to clean up the water 494 00:21:40,133 --> 00:21:42,433 yeah and and so like like 495 00:21:42,466 --> 00:21:44,066 applying an arbitrary consequence 496 00:21:44,066 --> 00:21:45,800 like no screen time for the rest of the day 497 00:21:45,933 --> 00:21:48,666 they won't connect those things it's you know it's 498 00:21:48,666 --> 00:21:50,733 I don't know very similar to training a dog in that way 499 00:21:50,733 --> 00:21:53,000 they just don't you know it just feels like 500 00:21:53,033 --> 00:21:56,600 it it feels arbitrary to them and that's 501 00:21:56,600 --> 00:21:57,733 that's its own problem 502 00:21:57,733 --> 00:22:01,233 if they feel like they live in this arbitrary world where at any moment 503 00:22:01,300 --> 00:22:04,600 the hammer comes down then that creates 504 00:22:04,600 --> 00:22:06,000 all this anxiety and 505 00:22:06,000 --> 00:22:08,300 and is really maladaptive I I imagine 506 00:22:08,533 --> 00:22:11,600 exactly and that's the thing where it's like 507 00:22:11,666 --> 00:22:15,433 are we trying to help our kids learn 508 00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:20,600 how to learn that human beings make mistakes and learn 509 00:22:20,600 --> 00:22:23,466 how to make things right after making a mistake yeah 510 00:22:23,466 --> 00:22:25,933 or are we trying to teach kids 511 00:22:25,933 --> 00:22:30,400 that they should comply with a higher 512 00:22:30,866 --> 00:22:32,533 you will respect my authority 513 00:22:32,933 --> 00:22:35,866 authority right like no matter what 514 00:22:35,866 --> 00:22:38,133 because if we want to focus on compliance 515 00:22:38,133 --> 00:22:40,266 based parenting and us being in control 516 00:22:40,266 --> 00:22:41,500 then we're setting ourselves 517 00:22:41,500 --> 00:22:44,500 up to always have to be there to draw the line in the sand 518 00:22:44,500 --> 00:22:47,733 yeah versus kids learning the skills 519 00:22:47,733 --> 00:22:51,033 the emotional regulation the behavior regulation skills 520 00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:54,000 and also like this skills to make amends 521 00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:56,100 and to make things right like oh yeah I knocked 522 00:22:56,100 --> 00:22:58,666 that water over I should like go clean that up versus 523 00:22:58,666 --> 00:22:59,200 like 524 00:22:59,200 --> 00:23:02,066 going to sit in the corner and think about what they did what they're thinking 525 00:23:02,066 --> 00:23:05,000 about is that maybe I have lost my parents 526 00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:07,300 unconditional love and acceptance which is 527 00:23:07,500 --> 00:23:10,000 what your child is most concerned about this age 528 00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:10,933 because again 529 00:23:10,933 --> 00:23:13,600 they're reliant on you to get all of their needs met 530 00:23:14,100 --> 00:23:17,400 so if they feel like that connection is threatened 531 00:23:17,500 --> 00:23:19,033 they're going to have a lot of fear 532 00:23:19,033 --> 00:23:20,633 going through them because then 533 00:23:20,633 --> 00:23:22,066 maybe they're not gonna get a meal 534 00:23:22,066 --> 00:23:24,733 maybe they're not gonna get a hug and that's what matters 535 00:23:24,733 --> 00:23:27,600 most to your kids at this age and so 536 00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:29,666 we have to think like do we want our kids 537 00:23:29,666 --> 00:23:31,133 be motivated by fear 538 00:23:31,300 --> 00:23:33,300 and like really be setting up the fear 539 00:23:33,300 --> 00:23:34,800 pathways in the brain 540 00:23:34,933 --> 00:23:38,433 that's like priming kids for anxiety and depression 541 00:23:38,433 --> 00:23:41,633 and things like that or do we want to 542 00:23:42,200 --> 00:23:44,766 really strengthen the neuro pathways and connections 543 00:23:44,866 --> 00:23:50,133 that are um full of connection and learning 544 00:23:50,133 --> 00:23:51,933 you know the outcomes 545 00:23:51,933 --> 00:23:55,100 of like behavior how to make amends 546 00:23:55,100 --> 00:23:58,266 how to like clean up the messes literal literal 547 00:23:58,266 --> 00:23:59,800 messes and figurative 548 00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:02,033 messes like the emotional messes right 549 00:24:02,433 --> 00:24:07,166 yeah but it it seems like the whole the key to this is 550 00:24:07,266 --> 00:24:10,366 maintaining your own emotional regulation 551 00:24:10,533 --> 00:24:14,400 when the kid knocks the glass of water off the table 552 00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:16,233 and water spills all over everything 553 00:24:16,233 --> 00:24:19,633 maybe on the furniture you know ruining some stuff 554 00:24:20,433 --> 00:24:22,666 how do you stay emotional what are some tactics 555 00:24:22,666 --> 00:24:24,133 that you use to stay emotionally 556 00:24:24,133 --> 00:24:26,766 regulated in that moment that's something that I 557 00:24:27,033 --> 00:24:30,066 feel like I struggle with someone yeah absolutely 558 00:24:30,066 --> 00:24:32,133 and there's gonna be days where we're like 559 00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:34,666 more resource or less resource 560 00:24:34,666 --> 00:24:38,266 right like days where we're more tired more hungry 561 00:24:38,266 --> 00:24:38,800 have more 562 00:24:38,800 --> 00:24:41,533 stress in our lives right and it's gonna be harder 563 00:24:41,533 --> 00:24:43,366 to stay at that emotional equilibrium 564 00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:44,666 here's the good news 565 00:24:44,666 --> 00:24:46,433 you don't always have to stay there 566 00:24:46,433 --> 00:24:50,333 but the best way to get there is to 567 00:24:50,333 --> 00:24:53,266 again establish the physical safety and then literally 568 00:24:53,266 --> 00:24:55,400 tell yourself this is not an emergency 569 00:24:55,433 --> 00:24:59,033 I am safe and my child safe because when we can tell 570 00:24:59,233 --> 00:25:01,200 our brains we are safe 571 00:25:01,533 --> 00:25:04,900 and then practice grounding ourselves then 572 00:25:05,133 --> 00:25:08,033 it's going to get better it's gonna get easier to pause 573 00:25:08,033 --> 00:25:09,666 so we have to really 574 00:25:09,666 --> 00:25:12,200 fight that biological sense of urgency to react 575 00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:13,333 right now because 576 00:25:13,333 --> 00:25:16,133 it's not gonna make a difference if we react if we 577 00:25:16,133 --> 00:25:17,800 respond to our child's behavior 578 00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:21,633 right now or in five minutes like it's gonna be okay 579 00:25:21,666 --> 00:25:23,933 it's better to respond in a way that's 580 00:25:23,933 --> 00:25:26,233 you know emotionally healthy so we have to ground 581 00:25:26,233 --> 00:25:26,633 ourselves 582 00:25:26,633 --> 00:25:29,500 and it's gonna be different for every person so I really recommend 583 00:25:30,133 --> 00:25:31,333 that you go 584 00:25:31,333 --> 00:25:36,233 and like think about okay what are things that help me feel like calm and regulated 585 00:25:36,266 --> 00:25:38,833 is it taking deep breaths is it like 586 00:25:38,833 --> 00:25:41,500 checking in with my five senses is it 587 00:25:41,500 --> 00:25:44,533 like smelling some essential oil or lighting a candle 588 00:25:44,533 --> 00:25:47,233 is it sitting down is it looking outside 589 00:25:47,233 --> 00:25:49,800 is it splashing cold water on my face is it blowing 590 00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:50,133 bubbles 591 00:25:50,133 --> 00:25:52,333 it could even be something silly like blowing bubbles 592 00:25:52,333 --> 00:25:54,066 right like keeping bubbles in your 593 00:25:54,066 --> 00:25:56,466 your kitchen or nearby but I recommend that everyone 594 00:25:56,466 --> 00:25:57,533 write down like 595 00:25:57,533 --> 00:26:01,100 three things that um you either know helps 596 00:26:01,233 --> 00:26:04,733 calm you down and ground you or three things to try 597 00:26:04,733 --> 00:26:06,733 practice those for a week first of all 598 00:26:06,733 --> 00:26:07,600 stick it on sticky notes 599 00:26:07,600 --> 00:26:08,933 all over your house so you can 600 00:26:08,933 --> 00:26:10,700 remember when you're like seeing red 601 00:26:10,700 --> 00:26:13,533 and then practice it and see what you find out 602 00:26:13,533 --> 00:26:16,033 I know for myself personally 603 00:26:16,800 --> 00:26:18,866 I the more I can move 604 00:26:18,866 --> 00:26:22,633 it like helps like give energy to like my frustration 605 00:26:22,633 --> 00:26:26,533 so for me sitting down or even laying down like taking 606 00:26:26,533 --> 00:26:30,033 away my ability to move like calms me down 607 00:26:30,033 --> 00:26:31,866 a lot whereas some people actually 608 00:26:31,866 --> 00:26:33,133 need to move I'm the reverse 609 00:26:33,133 --> 00:26:36,733 yeah I need to take a look right yeah so you know it's 610 00:26:36,733 --> 00:26:39,433 it's really you have to get to know yourself 611 00:26:40,033 --> 00:26:42,666 um and see like what will work 612 00:26:42,666 --> 00:26:47,166 for you but here's the good news say that um 613 00:26:47,633 --> 00:26:49,066 you know you have 614 00:26:49,066 --> 00:26:52,600 this you you've you've just totally lost it and you 615 00:26:52,600 --> 00:26:55,333 use shame blame guilt judgment or fear 616 00:26:55,433 --> 00:26:58,633 in that moment where your kids you know behavior 617 00:26:58,633 --> 00:26:59,300 went off the rails 618 00:26:59,300 --> 00:27:00,800 and your behavior went off the rails 619 00:27:00,800 --> 00:27:02,666 you can always come back and repair 620 00:27:02,666 --> 00:27:05,100 the relationship and that's what it means 621 00:27:05,100 --> 00:27:06,700 to take a problem 622 00:27:07,300 --> 00:27:09,166 and turn it into an opportunity 623 00:27:09,333 --> 00:27:12,533 right it's an opportunity to rewire your brain 624 00:27:12,533 --> 00:27:14,700 and to model that repair process 625 00:27:14,700 --> 00:27:16,533 right to make amends with your child and strengthen 626 00:27:16,533 --> 00:27:19,533 that relationship and then model skills 627 00:27:19,533 --> 00:27:21,333 that your child's going to learn 628 00:27:21,333 --> 00:27:23,033 now I'm not saying that we should like 629 00:27:23,033 --> 00:27:25,866 purposely like troll our kids yeah um 630 00:27:25,866 --> 00:27:28,900 to be able to create opportunities no there will be 631 00:27:28,900 --> 00:27:32,600 plenty of them of of natural opportunities to exactly 632 00:27:32,600 --> 00:27:35,066 right so I'm not just saying like oh you should just like 633 00:27:35,066 --> 00:27:37,333 go hard on your kids and then repair it yeah no 634 00:27:37,333 --> 00:27:39,300 but what this is is like 635 00:27:39,733 --> 00:27:41,833 as human beings there's gonna be moments 636 00:27:41,833 --> 00:27:44,933 that like we just mess up we make mistakes 637 00:27:44,933 --> 00:27:48,200 and so do we want we want to like normalize 638 00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:50,266 it's human to make mistakes 639 00:27:50,266 --> 00:27:51,933 and what do you do once you make a mistake 640 00:27:51,933 --> 00:27:54,900 and if you can model that process for your kiddo 641 00:27:55,000 --> 00:27:59,200 it's on page I believe 49 in my book but I have a four step process 642 00:27:59,800 --> 00:28:04,133 for making amends which is um taking ownership 643 00:28:04,300 --> 00:28:06,533 so that might be something like hey 644 00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:09,166 back there 645 00:28:09,800 --> 00:28:12,233 I felt really frustrated 646 00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:14,966 and I totally lost control and yelled 647 00:28:15,400 --> 00:28:18,700 and then you want to check in with your kid to check in on the impact 648 00:28:18,700 --> 00:28:20,300 so you might say something like 649 00:28:20,633 --> 00:28:24,000 how was that for you and if you have a 1 year old they might not say anything 650 00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:26,700 if you have a 2 year old they might say bad 651 00:28:26,733 --> 00:28:28,666 if you have a 3 or 4 year old they might say 652 00:28:28,666 --> 00:28:29,633 something more 653 00:28:29,633 --> 00:28:32,400 and then you just validate and repeat it back you might say 654 00:28:32,400 --> 00:28:34,833 oh you feel blank or 655 00:28:34,833 --> 00:28:37,900 that was blank thanks for telling me 656 00:28:37,900 --> 00:28:41,133 right so now you're telling your child hey 657 00:28:41,233 --> 00:28:45,200 we can have tough conversations and still 658 00:28:45,266 --> 00:28:48,233 and it's okay like we don't have to shy away from like 659 00:28:48,233 --> 00:28:49,500 these tough conversations 660 00:28:49,666 --> 00:28:53,433 then step 3 apologize hey I'm sorry 661 00:28:53,666 --> 00:28:55,733 I am so sorry that I yelled at you 662 00:28:55,800 --> 00:28:57,833 and that was not my intention 663 00:28:57,900 --> 00:29:00,700 and then step 4 is the most important part 664 00:29:00,700 --> 00:29:04,666 which is the redo next time X y and Z happens 665 00:29:04,666 --> 00:29:06,800 here's what I'm going to do 666 00:29:06,800 --> 00:29:10,500 then you practice it in that moment and guess what 667 00:29:10,500 --> 00:29:11,833 when you're a toddler 668 00:29:12,466 --> 00:29:16,100 becomes a school age kiddo of 5 6 7 years old 669 00:29:16,100 --> 00:29:17,833 they're gonna be your accountability 670 00:29:17,833 --> 00:29:22,500 buddy they're gonna be like hey remember mom last time 671 00:29:22,500 --> 00:29:25,400 uh this happened you said you were gonna X y and Z 672 00:29:25,500 --> 00:29:27,833 that's great you know because 673 00:29:27,833 --> 00:29:30,300 in the end now we're showing kids 674 00:29:30,300 --> 00:29:34,166 what it's like to be human and they're actually helping us and we 675 00:29:34,300 --> 00:29:37,233 the goal is to work ourselves out of the job and to 676 00:29:37,233 --> 00:29:38,033 you know 677 00:29:38,033 --> 00:29:41,533 to be partners with our kids we're still in charge but 678 00:29:41,533 --> 00:29:42,900 this is great cause it means your kids 679 00:29:42,900 --> 00:29:45,800 learning the skills too yeah what a powerful 680 00:29:45,800 --> 00:29:49,233 tactic I I love that 4 step repair process 681 00:29:49,466 --> 00:29:50,833 you know the the um 682 00:29:51,266 --> 00:29:54,366 I'm a I'm a pilot and 683 00:29:54,733 --> 00:29:56,700 that's one of my hobbies is flying airplanes 684 00:29:56,800 --> 00:30:00,733 and in in in in flight training 685 00:30:01,466 --> 00:30:04,966 a lot of what we do is 686 00:30:05,900 --> 00:30:07,233 managing emergencies 687 00:30:07,800 --> 00:30:09,733 right and it's all about 688 00:30:09,866 --> 00:30:12,366 I mean the the mechanics of learning how to fly 689 00:30:12,700 --> 00:30:15,833 are in fact even in your very first lesson you'll 690 00:30:16,066 --> 00:30:17,133 you'll start practicing 691 00:30:17,133 --> 00:30:21,366 what happens if your engine fails right and um 692 00:30:21,900 --> 00:30:25,600 one of the first things that 693 00:30:26,200 --> 00:30:29,400 they teach you to do in dealing with emergencies 694 00:30:29,400 --> 00:30:31,933 in an airplane where I mean literally you're 695 00:30:31,933 --> 00:30:33,700 you could be seconds away from 696 00:30:34,233 --> 00:30:36,833 catastrophe is 697 00:30:37,466 --> 00:30:41,300 um the first item on the checklist is wind the clock 698 00:30:42,266 --> 00:30:45,200 and you think okay I just lost my engine 699 00:30:46,333 --> 00:30:48,033 and you want me to wind the clock 700 00:30:48,733 --> 00:30:53,400 and the reason is because it takes you out of the loop 701 00:30:53,933 --> 00:30:55,600 out of that reaction loop for 702 00:30:55,600 --> 00:30:57,133 you know three to five seconds 703 00:30:57,133 --> 00:31:01,700 I'm I'm gonna wind the clock and then you can 704 00:31:01,700 --> 00:31:03,966 sit down and go okay well what am I gonna do 705 00:31:04,700 --> 00:31:06,700 and um 706 00:31:07,400 --> 00:31:08,700 and that's 707 00:31:08,933 --> 00:31:11,033 you know I feel like that's a really good metaphor for dealing 708 00:31:11,033 --> 00:31:14,100 with the meltdowns also is 709 00:31:14,100 --> 00:31:16,500 wind the clock just you you don't have to do anything 710 00:31:16,800 --> 00:31:20,500 we're not there's not a car coming to hit the kid 711 00:31:20,600 --> 00:31:25,200 we're physically safe yep so wind the clock just 712 00:31:25,500 --> 00:31:29,800 sit there and think for a moment and then and then 713 00:31:29,800 --> 00:31:32,233 decide how you're gonna act and then do the thing 714 00:31:32,633 --> 00:31:35,733 yeah it's all about disrupting the stress response yeah 715 00:31:35,900 --> 00:31:38,933 yeah how do we disrupt it how do we you know 716 00:31:38,933 --> 00:31:42,466 throw a wrench in it so to stop that loop or to stop that cycle 717 00:31:42,466 --> 00:31:43,400 and it's 718 00:31:43,400 --> 00:31:45,533 it's challenging and so that's why I create all these 719 00:31:45,533 --> 00:31:46,033 frameworks 720 00:31:46,033 --> 00:31:48,200 right so we can write it down we can have it on sticky 721 00:31:48,200 --> 00:31:49,866 notes we can yeah like remind 722 00:31:49,866 --> 00:31:51,066 ourselves of it in the calm 723 00:31:51,066 --> 00:31:53,266 moments and hopefully in the challenging moments 724 00:31:53,266 --> 00:31:56,466 too and the first step is establish safety establish 725 00:31:56,466 --> 00:31:57,533 the physical safety 726 00:31:57,533 --> 00:32:00,666 yeah so then you can create the emotional safety 727 00:32:00,666 --> 00:32:01,466 you know 728 00:32:02,133 --> 00:32:04,233 as I as I think back over 729 00:32:04,233 --> 00:32:06,600 you know my childhood journey I 730 00:32:06,700 --> 00:32:09,100 right now I have two kids one of them's 6 one of them's 731 00:32:09,100 --> 00:32:11,933 3 so one of them's kind of outside that toddler 732 00:32:11,933 --> 00:32:13,433 zone that you're talking about one of them's 733 00:32:13,433 --> 00:32:17,800 still smack dab in the middle of it um I don't remember 734 00:32:19,100 --> 00:32:20,300 any of the fights 735 00:32:21,100 --> 00:32:25,300 but I do remember the times that I didn't 736 00:32:25,300 --> 00:32:30,033 measure up to my own sense of values where I lost it 737 00:32:30,200 --> 00:32:35,833 or or you know I failed and I think that you know 738 00:32:36,500 --> 00:32:40,633 how to part of it is being able to have the Grace 739 00:32:40,800 --> 00:32:42,033 to recognize that everybody 740 00:32:42,033 --> 00:32:44,800 fails and you know you you haven't 741 00:32:45,033 --> 00:32:48,200 irretrievably broken your kid by yelling at him one time 742 00:32:49,233 --> 00:32:53,233 uh even if it was really bad and you know what are 743 00:32:53,233 --> 00:32:55,766 what are some of the tactics that you have 744 00:32:56,266 --> 00:32:58,900 for giving yourself that Grace yeah 745 00:32:58,900 --> 00:33:02,133 I talk about this a lot in my book as well so 746 00:33:02,133 --> 00:33:03,133 you know of course 747 00:33:03,133 --> 00:33:05,700 repairing the relationship is by and far 748 00:33:05,700 --> 00:33:09,100 the No. 1 thing that we can do is to like re establish 749 00:33:09,100 --> 00:33:11,333 that parent child bond and to 750 00:33:11,333 --> 00:33:13,300 you know really make amends 751 00:33:13,300 --> 00:33:16,033 making amends make amends make amends however 752 00:33:16,266 --> 00:33:19,233 for our own internal mindset in these moments 753 00:33:19,233 --> 00:33:22,200 it's really easy to go into a doom loop 754 00:33:22,333 --> 00:33:24,600 to go into a fixed mindset I'm failing 755 00:33:24,600 --> 00:33:26,400 I'm such a bad parent I'm messing 756 00:33:26,400 --> 00:33:28,266 them up they're gonna need years of therapy 757 00:33:28,266 --> 00:33:30,700 you know all the things yeah and so 758 00:33:31,033 --> 00:33:33,500 um what you wanna do 759 00:33:33,833 --> 00:33:36,966 I always say stop looking in the rearview mirror 760 00:33:37,066 --> 00:33:38,166 this is a car metaphor 761 00:33:38,300 --> 00:33:40,166 stop looking in the rearview mirror 762 00:33:40,733 --> 00:33:43,700 stop living in the past 763 00:33:44,100 --> 00:33:46,266 and what a could have should have land saying 764 00:33:46,266 --> 00:33:47,533 I should have done this 765 00:33:47,533 --> 00:33:50,233 could have done that if I just would have done this 766 00:33:50,400 --> 00:33:51,566 X y and Z 767 00:33:51,700 --> 00:33:55,200 that's not going to help us do different next time 768 00:33:55,200 --> 00:33:56,600 so what we wanna do 769 00:33:56,600 --> 00:33:59,200 is look out the windshield at the horizon 770 00:33:59,233 --> 00:34:02,933 and we wanna say hey here's what happened 771 00:34:03,500 --> 00:34:06,900 here's what I Learned here's what I wanna do next time 772 00:34:07,000 --> 00:34:09,300 and then go forward and try it out 773 00:34:09,300 --> 00:34:12,333 practice it in the calm moments yeah try it again 774 00:34:12,333 --> 00:34:14,133 in the challenging moments 775 00:34:14,400 --> 00:34:16,866 and be willing to make those mistakes 776 00:34:16,866 --> 00:34:21,400 and practice again each and every time you practice 777 00:34:21,466 --> 00:34:23,966 you're making progress not perfection 778 00:34:24,000 --> 00:34:25,666 your practice makes progress 779 00:34:25,666 --> 00:34:28,600 and each and every moment is an opportunity to practice 780 00:34:28,600 --> 00:34:29,133 again 781 00:34:29,133 --> 00:34:32,833 we just have to choose if we're gonna look through the 782 00:34:32,866 --> 00:34:33,733 um rearview mirror 783 00:34:33,733 --> 00:34:35,200 or if we're gonna look out the windshield 784 00:34:35,200 --> 00:34:36,833 toward the horizon where we're going 785 00:34:37,833 --> 00:34:39,900 yeah that's a really great metaphor 786 00:34:39,900 --> 00:34:41,833 looking out the windshield versus the rearview mirror 787 00:34:41,833 --> 00:34:43,100 it's up to you yeah 788 00:34:43,100 --> 00:34:47,333 you know one of the themes that I've kind of detected 789 00:34:47,333 --> 00:34:51,433 through this conversation is this notion of 790 00:34:51,500 --> 00:34:55,300 parenting through connection or through control 791 00:34:55,933 --> 00:34:57,666 right you know what is your goal 792 00:34:57,666 --> 00:34:59,666 here are you trying to cultivate 793 00:34:59,666 --> 00:35:02,933 something within your child or are you just trying to 794 00:35:02,933 --> 00:35:03,900 crack the whip 795 00:35:04,866 --> 00:35:07,100 and so what are some of the signs 796 00:35:08,333 --> 00:35:11,800 why do we feel like we need that control why why do we 797 00:35:12,300 --> 00:35:14,033 what's what's the reflex 798 00:35:14,033 --> 00:35:16,200 there and why is it there and what do we do about it 799 00:35:16,400 --> 00:35:19,600 yeah so Chapter 4 of my book is the um 800 00:35:19,600 --> 00:35:20,866 Knowing Your parenting role 801 00:35:20,866 --> 00:35:23,100 where I talk about the different types of parenting 802 00:35:23,100 --> 00:35:25,066 roles the controlling commander 803 00:35:25,066 --> 00:35:26,866 the permissive pushover the nagging 804 00:35:26,866 --> 00:35:30,033 negotiator and the confident leader and guide yeah and 805 00:35:30,033 --> 00:35:33,266 we often times want to like will slip into this role 806 00:35:33,266 --> 00:35:36,566 of the controlling commander because 807 00:35:37,333 --> 00:35:39,766 okay having a sense of control 808 00:35:40,133 --> 00:35:45,300 some all human beings need to feel a sense of agency 809 00:35:45,300 --> 00:35:46,633 right to 810 00:35:46,666 --> 00:35:49,600 have some sense of agency some sense of control 811 00:35:49,600 --> 00:35:51,866 and that's also very prominent in the toddler 812 00:35:51,866 --> 00:35:53,433 years as your child is trying to 813 00:35:53,433 --> 00:35:55,533 become their own person so it's very very prominent 814 00:35:55,533 --> 00:35:58,433 but it's important to all human beings 815 00:35:58,533 --> 00:36:03,300 so when we start to realize well when our toddler 816 00:36:03,300 --> 00:36:04,633 starts to realize that they're a separate 817 00:36:04,633 --> 00:36:08,300 individual from us and not an extension of us we often 818 00:36:08,300 --> 00:36:09,466 times are still treating 819 00:36:09,466 --> 00:36:11,466 them as an extension of us because we often 820 00:36:11,466 --> 00:36:15,166 feel like babies are an extension of us um and so 821 00:36:15,633 --> 00:36:19,000 we start getting bent out of shape when our agenda 822 00:36:19,000 --> 00:36:20,433 and our toddler's agenda 823 00:36:20,433 --> 00:36:23,533 doesn't match and we feel that sense of 824 00:36:23,533 --> 00:36:24,866 control slipping away 825 00:36:24,866 --> 00:36:27,266 and we start to realize that control is 826 00:36:27,266 --> 00:36:29,233 an illusion and then 827 00:36:29,700 --> 00:36:33,933 when we start looking at things like sleep eating 828 00:36:33,933 --> 00:36:36,033 and going to the bathroom like you can't force 829 00:36:36,033 --> 00:36:38,200 your child to close their eyes and sleep 830 00:36:38,200 --> 00:36:40,100 you can't force your child to chew 831 00:36:40,100 --> 00:36:44,300 food and swallow it you can't force your child to like 832 00:36:44,533 --> 00:36:48,033 release and go to the bathroom right and so 833 00:36:48,066 --> 00:36:49,900 toddlerhood is one 834 00:36:49,900 --> 00:36:53,333 big wake up call that control is an illusion 835 00:36:53,333 --> 00:36:56,633 and that is very very disconcerting because 836 00:36:56,633 --> 00:37:00,866 it challenges our sense of agency and it's very hard 837 00:37:00,866 --> 00:37:05,866 to be in relation with someone um especially whenever 838 00:37:05,866 --> 00:37:06,866 there's such a 839 00:37:06,866 --> 00:37:09,866 power dynamic difference right because we're bigger 840 00:37:09,866 --> 00:37:10,733 stronger 841 00:37:10,733 --> 00:37:13,900 and have a lot more life experience than toddlers so 842 00:37:13,966 --> 00:37:16,900 it feels easier to like dominate and 843 00:37:16,900 --> 00:37:19,500 control because they're smaller less experienced 844 00:37:19,500 --> 00:37:21,900 and things like that and so 845 00:37:22,266 --> 00:37:25,266 often times we're just trying to like assuage 846 00:37:25,266 --> 00:37:29,200 our own discomfort and anxiety when faced 847 00:37:29,200 --> 00:37:30,700 with the idea that 848 00:37:30,700 --> 00:37:33,600 controls an illusion and so we think okay 849 00:37:33,800 --> 00:37:35,466 I've got to have compliance 850 00:37:35,466 --> 00:37:37,033 and then you couple that with like the fear 851 00:37:37,033 --> 00:37:39,200 loop of like extrapolating the future 852 00:37:39,233 --> 00:37:41,533 yeah so that's why we're trying to constantly 853 00:37:41,533 --> 00:37:42,933 control our kids behavior 854 00:37:42,933 --> 00:37:45,600 so you're either gonna have like more docile 855 00:37:45,800 --> 00:37:47,933 personality children that are going to 856 00:37:47,933 --> 00:37:50,633 like comply out of fear but you're priming 857 00:37:50,633 --> 00:37:52,800 them for anxiety and people pleasing 858 00:37:52,933 --> 00:37:55,133 or you're gonna have strong willed kids 859 00:37:55,666 --> 00:37:56,733 who are going to constantly 860 00:37:56,733 --> 00:37:58,666 push back push back push back 861 00:37:58,666 --> 00:38:00,200 and then when they get older 862 00:38:00,200 --> 00:38:02,900 those are the kids that are going to like 863 00:38:02,966 --> 00:38:05,200 be more likely to lie to hide 864 00:38:05,200 --> 00:38:09,133 things from you because they're afraid of getting in trouble so the kids eventually 865 00:38:09,133 --> 00:38:13,100 get bigger and they get smarter and they you know have 866 00:38:13,100 --> 00:38:17,600 better tactics and so really we have to think okay 867 00:38:17,666 --> 00:38:21,000 connection based yes it might be more work up front 868 00:38:21,000 --> 00:38:24,133 but we're still setting limits and following through 869 00:38:24,133 --> 00:38:25,933 we're not saying this is a free for all 870 00:38:25,933 --> 00:38:27,700 here we have to have limits 871 00:38:27,700 --> 00:38:29,633 limits are so very important 872 00:38:29,633 --> 00:38:31,600 but we're also not ignoring our child's 873 00:38:31,600 --> 00:38:33,233 feelings and emotions and needs 874 00:38:33,266 --> 00:38:35,400 but we are teaching skills 875 00:38:35,400 --> 00:38:38,200 that are going to have our child be successful 876 00:38:38,200 --> 00:38:41,733 and work ourselves out of the job and it gets easier 877 00:38:41,733 --> 00:38:43,733 then we don't have to try to like have a 878 00:38:43,733 --> 00:38:45,300 6 or 7 year old that we're trying to 879 00:38:45,300 --> 00:38:47,233 control every second because good luck 880 00:38:47,833 --> 00:38:52,600 yeah what so how do you deal with discipline and I I 881 00:38:52,600 --> 00:38:55,266 you've advocated for something that called positive 882 00:38:55,266 --> 00:38:57,366 discipline what does that look like day to day 883 00:38:57,833 --> 00:38:59,966 yeah so what I like to 884 00:39:00,100 --> 00:39:02,633 you know everyone's like positive discipline 885 00:39:03,100 --> 00:39:05,233 conscious discipline gentle 886 00:39:05,633 --> 00:39:07,866 discipline gentle parenting all the 887 00:39:07,866 --> 00:39:10,633 I like to call it developmentally smart basically 888 00:39:10,633 --> 00:39:12,533 we're working with our child's development 889 00:39:12,533 --> 00:39:15,500 not against it and what we know from the research 890 00:39:15,500 --> 00:39:16,666 that this closely aligns 891 00:39:16,666 --> 00:39:19,233 with what we call authoritative parenting where 892 00:39:19,233 --> 00:39:23,033 there are clear boundaries and limits in place 893 00:39:23,033 --> 00:39:26,900 we are creating the container however we are still 894 00:39:26,900 --> 00:39:28,600 trying to meet our child's needs 895 00:39:28,600 --> 00:39:31,233 within those boundaries we are still taking 896 00:39:31,433 --> 00:39:33,066 their feelings and emotions into 897 00:39:33,066 --> 00:39:36,300 account and we're also teaching skills so for example 898 00:39:36,500 --> 00:39:38,966 say this is like if anyone has a pet at home 899 00:39:39,233 --> 00:39:41,733 you have a toddler your toddler probably 900 00:39:41,733 --> 00:39:44,933 has or soon will discover the dog's water dish 901 00:39:44,933 --> 00:39:47,700 and they are going to want to go play in that water 902 00:39:47,700 --> 00:39:48,866 because toddlers 903 00:39:48,866 --> 00:39:52,433 love water right it's sensory play it's super exciting 904 00:39:52,600 --> 00:39:57,966 so you could come from like a compliance um 905 00:39:58,300 --> 00:40:00,533 first in conventional way of parenting 906 00:40:00,533 --> 00:40:03,000 see your child play in that water dish and say 907 00:40:03,033 --> 00:40:06,866 bad no you don't do that we don't play in that water 908 00:40:06,866 --> 00:40:11,200 yeah it's something like this punish them and then 909 00:40:13,200 --> 00:40:14,833 okay like we did that 910 00:40:14,833 --> 00:40:17,133 but what about the child's needs 911 00:40:17,133 --> 00:40:18,666 what about the child's feelings 912 00:40:18,666 --> 00:40:21,133 right right so we can accomplish the same thing 913 00:40:21,133 --> 00:40:23,033 in a developmentally smart 914 00:40:23,233 --> 00:40:25,233 emotionally healthy way by saying 915 00:40:25,800 --> 00:40:29,100 oh looks like you wanna play with water 916 00:40:29,100 --> 00:40:31,400 you're having so much fun playing with water 917 00:40:31,400 --> 00:40:36,700 this is the dog's water no dogs water stays here 918 00:40:36,900 --> 00:40:39,333 let's go play in the sink 919 00:40:39,333 --> 00:40:42,333 or let's go take a bath let's go do these dishes 920 00:40:42,333 --> 00:40:46,433 let's go play with a water table outside find a way 921 00:40:46,433 --> 00:40:48,900 for your child to have water play 922 00:40:48,900 --> 00:40:50,900 that's within your boundaries 923 00:40:50,933 --> 00:40:54,133 so now we are still having limits 924 00:40:54,300 --> 00:40:59,133 but we're taking our child's needs into um into 925 00:40:59,133 --> 00:41:02,000 consideration yeah I find that once 926 00:41:02,000 --> 00:41:03,900 when they get older you can kind of put the monkey 927 00:41:03,900 --> 00:41:04,833 on their back 928 00:41:06,066 --> 00:41:06,500 you you know yes 929 00:41:06,500 --> 00:41:08,800 oh you want this thing but that's outside the boundaries 930 00:41:08,800 --> 00:41:10,766 how do you think you might 931 00:41:11,000 --> 00:41:12,333 what what's another way we could 932 00:41:12,666 --> 00:41:15,666 get the benefit of that exactly so you can start this 933 00:41:15,666 --> 00:41:17,500 around 3 years old but definitely 934 00:41:17,500 --> 00:41:21,500 around when your child's 4 you can start saying well 935 00:41:21,666 --> 00:41:24,900 what do you think how could we make this better 936 00:41:25,033 --> 00:41:25,733 what's your 937 00:41:25,733 --> 00:41:28,533 idea what's a way that we can play with water 938 00:41:28,600 --> 00:41:31,333 that you know is within boundaries 939 00:41:31,333 --> 00:41:32,800 like what you get to be 940 00:41:32,800 --> 00:41:35,100 it's called collaborative problem solving yeah 941 00:41:35,100 --> 00:41:39,800 and this is how we we as parents make our jobs easier 942 00:41:39,800 --> 00:41:41,933 and this doesn't mean that you're weak or soft 943 00:41:41,933 --> 00:41:44,000 what it means is that you're respecting 944 00:41:44,000 --> 00:41:47,100 your child as a human being and as an individual 945 00:41:47,100 --> 00:41:49,800 now you don't have to do what your child says 946 00:41:49,800 --> 00:41:52,533 but when you let your child give some ideas 947 00:41:52,533 --> 00:41:55,033 of how to figure out what to do next 948 00:41:55,300 --> 00:41:58,833 not only are they practicing problem solving skills 949 00:41:58,833 --> 00:42:00,266 they may come up with something you hadn't 950 00:42:00,266 --> 00:42:03,833 thought about because we can't remember we we look 951 00:42:04,133 --> 00:42:06,233 through at life through a very logical lens 952 00:42:06,233 --> 00:42:07,933 because our brains are fully developed 953 00:42:07,933 --> 00:42:10,566 and we just don't remember what it's like to 954 00:42:10,600 --> 00:42:13,500 look at life in a different way without our brains 955 00:42:13,500 --> 00:42:15,233 being fully mature so 956 00:42:15,333 --> 00:42:18,133 our kids might teach us something or have a great idea 957 00:42:18,133 --> 00:42:20,933 or maybe they don't have a great idea and you 958 00:42:20,933 --> 00:42:23,900 have to work together to come up with something acceptable 959 00:42:23,933 --> 00:42:26,166 but this is how you work yourself 960 00:42:26,266 --> 00:42:27,933 out of the job and how you release 961 00:42:27,933 --> 00:42:30,033 some of that pressure of having to have everything 962 00:42:30,033 --> 00:42:32,833 figured out and know what to do all the time it's okay 963 00:42:32,833 --> 00:42:35,400 for you and your child to work through it and figure it out 964 00:42:35,400 --> 00:42:36,833 and then you're creating buying 965 00:42:36,833 --> 00:42:39,033 cause your child feels like they have a voice 966 00:42:39,066 --> 00:42:41,000 they're gonna be more likely to cooperate 967 00:42:41,000 --> 00:42:43,033 when they feel like they have a voice yeah 968 00:42:43,133 --> 00:42:46,500 I had a I had an experience along those lines recently 969 00:42:46,733 --> 00:42:47,333 the um 970 00:42:47,333 --> 00:42:49,133 the kids were in the back of the car and I was driving 971 00:42:49,133 --> 00:42:51,133 along and they were bickering about something 972 00:42:51,133 --> 00:42:51,933 they each wanted 973 00:42:51,933 --> 00:42:55,166 the same toy or something along those lines right and 974 00:42:55,333 --> 00:42:57,733 um and they were starting to 975 00:42:57,866 --> 00:43:02,400 kind of yell at each other and that that is really 976 00:43:02,400 --> 00:43:05,433 upsetting to me I really don't like it when they're yelling in the car 977 00:43:05,600 --> 00:43:09,400 and and so I 978 00:43:09,933 --> 00:43:13,933 got on the boy the boy is older and 979 00:43:14,000 --> 00:43:17,200 I kind of got on him about not you know 980 00:43:17,200 --> 00:43:18,933 sharing with his sister his sister 981 00:43:18,933 --> 00:43:21,400 is younger and she doesn't quite have 982 00:43:21,733 --> 00:43:24,266 the the the mental skills to really 983 00:43:24,266 --> 00:43:27,000 ask for what she wants or really know what she wants 984 00:43:27,000 --> 00:43:29,866 and the boy can be happy with a lot of different toys 985 00:43:29,866 --> 00:43:34,033 and she and and the girl can't and so 986 00:43:34,400 --> 00:43:37,700 I kind of got on him about not sharing with his sister 987 00:43:37,700 --> 00:43:39,900 and he took from that 988 00:43:40,033 --> 00:43:42,433 oh well then she always gets whatever 989 00:43:42,633 --> 00:43:44,533 whatever she wants and I have to sacrifice 990 00:43:44,533 --> 00:43:45,933 that's fine she can have all the toys 991 00:43:45,933 --> 00:43:47,766 is is the way that presented itself 992 00:43:48,533 --> 00:43:51,066 and I kind of well that that didn't 993 00:43:51,066 --> 00:43:54,033 really necessarily go as planned and 994 00:43:54,200 --> 00:43:55,600 the next time that happened 995 00:43:55,600 --> 00:44:00,233 which was about five minutes later I I said listen 996 00:44:00,633 --> 00:44:02,000 what's a way 997 00:44:02,700 --> 00:44:04,933 that you can give her what she wants 998 00:44:05,066 --> 00:44:08,233 or something close to what she wants that doesn't 999 00:44:08,400 --> 00:44:10,100 interfere with what you want 1000 00:44:10,100 --> 00:44:12,600 or that even maybe enhances what you want 1001 00:44:13,100 --> 00:44:15,133 he thought about it for a second he came up with a good 1002 00:44:15,133 --> 00:44:15,900 solution 1003 00:44:15,900 --> 00:44:18,333 oh how about I give her this part of the toy and I retain 1004 00:44:18,333 --> 00:44:19,633 this other part of the toy 1005 00:44:19,666 --> 00:44:22,000 and we'll both be happy about that 1006 00:44:22,033 --> 00:44:24,833 and it worked and it actually made him excited 1007 00:44:25,400 --> 00:44:30,033 about the solution as opposed to resentful about the 1008 00:44:30,033 --> 00:44:30,400 solution 1009 00:44:30,400 --> 00:44:32,133 because you know he was gonna have to give up everything 1010 00:44:32,133 --> 00:44:34,333 he wants for his brat sister 1011 00:44:34,866 --> 00:44:36,966 it was it was such a 1012 00:44:37,000 --> 00:44:41,100 an accidental parenting victory for me and I love it 1013 00:44:41,633 --> 00:44:45,000 it's amazing and this is such a great example 1014 00:44:45,033 --> 00:44:50,200 of what it looks like to teach skills over compliance 1015 00:44:50,200 --> 00:44:52,866 yeah right and when we're teaching skills 1016 00:44:52,866 --> 00:44:55,700 now you just empowered your kids 1017 00:44:55,700 --> 00:44:57,700 to resolve a conflict together 1018 00:44:57,700 --> 00:45:00,866 so next time they're going to be more likely to resolve a conflict 1019 00:45:00,866 --> 00:45:03,000 without you ever having to get involved 1020 00:45:03,000 --> 00:45:03,933 and the more that 1021 00:45:03,933 --> 00:45:06,766 you practice being the coach in these situations 1022 00:45:06,866 --> 00:45:08,300 versus the referee 1023 00:45:08,600 --> 00:45:10,233 that's when they're gonna learn those skills 1024 00:45:10,233 --> 00:45:11,066 and in a year 1025 00:45:11,066 --> 00:45:12,333 you're not even gonna have to get involved 1026 00:45:12,333 --> 00:45:13,600 they're gonna work it out themselves 1027 00:45:13,600 --> 00:45:15,733 cause one of them will be the voice of reason yeah 1028 00:45:15,733 --> 00:45:16,100 especially 1029 00:45:16,100 --> 00:45:17,900 once your three year old is a little bit older 1030 00:45:17,900 --> 00:45:21,433 and then they're gonna be like oh what can we do here 1031 00:45:21,433 --> 00:45:23,600 they're gonna figure it out they're not even gonna have to come get you 1032 00:45:23,600 --> 00:45:25,666 yeah it also puts me and the boy 1033 00:45:25,666 --> 00:45:27,533 kind of on the same side it's like alright 1034 00:45:27,533 --> 00:45:30,500 you know you and I are a team and we're trying to figure out how to 1035 00:45:30,600 --> 00:45:33,133 how to make these things as smooth as possible 1036 00:45:33,133 --> 00:45:35,966 and how do we how do we deal with your sister if she's 1037 00:45:36,933 --> 00:45:37,633 if she's freaking 1038 00:45:37,633 --> 00:45:39,833 out about this and it's not give her everything 1039 00:45:39,833 --> 00:45:42,966 she wants it's you know how do we how do we 1040 00:45:43,433 --> 00:45:44,566 how do we do it together 1041 00:45:45,266 --> 00:45:47,466 yeah kids just want to feel seen and heard 1042 00:45:47,466 --> 00:45:50,466 and that's why the connection piece is so important 1043 00:45:50,466 --> 00:45:52,466 yeah the problem is is that sometimes 1044 00:45:52,466 --> 00:45:54,200 people slip into permissive parenting 1045 00:45:54,200 --> 00:45:56,666 cause they're only focused on the connection piece 1046 00:45:56,666 --> 00:45:59,000 right and they never set any limits or anything 1047 00:45:59,000 --> 00:46:01,133 so that's why we still need to 1048 00:46:01,833 --> 00:46:03,133 have the connection piece 1049 00:46:03,433 --> 00:46:08,066 set limits and follow through and um you know teach 1050 00:46:08,066 --> 00:46:10,400 skills right and that was just a great example 1051 00:46:10,400 --> 00:46:11,400 the problem solving 1052 00:46:11,400 --> 00:46:13,533 skills but the more kids feel seen and heard 1053 00:46:13,533 --> 00:46:15,766 the more that they feel like they have a voice 1054 00:46:16,200 --> 00:46:18,666 the more that they're gonna be bought in the 1055 00:46:18,666 --> 00:46:20,266 the more that they're gonna cooperate 1056 00:46:20,266 --> 00:46:22,566 and the easier things are going to get 1057 00:46:23,433 --> 00:46:26,733 yeah I always love to finish up these conversations 1058 00:46:27,433 --> 00:46:29,900 um by asking everybody the same question 1059 00:46:30,400 --> 00:46:32,533 and I know that's gonna be putting you on the spot but 1060 00:46:32,533 --> 00:46:34,733 when you think about the kind of humans 1061 00:46:34,733 --> 00:46:37,500 we're raising what is one operating principle 1062 00:46:37,500 --> 00:46:41,900 or a truth that that you might offer for 1063 00:46:42,133 --> 00:46:44,933 every parent when it comes to raising their toddler 1064 00:46:45,466 --> 00:46:46,333 yeah 1065 00:46:47,033 --> 00:46:50,100 everyone is a human being doing their best 1066 00:46:50,100 --> 00:46:52,533 your child did not wake up today saying 1067 00:46:52,533 --> 00:46:54,300 how can I make your life miserable 1068 00:46:54,300 --> 00:46:55,933 how can I make your life difficult 1069 00:46:55,933 --> 00:46:57,900 and you didn't wake up today and say 1070 00:46:57,900 --> 00:47:00,933 how can I make your life difficult or miserable right 1071 00:47:00,933 --> 00:47:02,633 but sometimes as human beings 1072 00:47:02,633 --> 00:47:06,366 we're not going to be at our best we're trying our best 1073 00:47:06,400 --> 00:47:10,366 but we might not be at our best and that is okay 1074 00:47:10,400 --> 00:47:13,866 it is okay to be human and so we just have to let this 1075 00:47:13,866 --> 00:47:16,933 idea of perfect behavior for our children 1076 00:47:16,933 --> 00:47:20,833 and for ourselves to let it go embrace being human 1077 00:47:20,866 --> 00:47:24,833 embrace having a growth mindset embrace um 1078 00:47:24,833 --> 00:47:26,733 this like learning and growth together 1079 00:47:26,733 --> 00:47:29,000 and that's really where the magic is 1080 00:47:29,266 --> 00:47:30,966 that's a really powerful principle 1081 00:47:30,966 --> 00:47:34,733 the book is called Transforming Toddlerhood 1082 00:47:34,733 --> 00:47:37,533 and if this conversation helped you see parenting 1083 00:47:37,633 --> 00:47:40,133 in a new way share it with your friend 1084 00:47:40,466 --> 00:47:43,666 or and and like and subscribe to the channel 1085 00:47:43,666 --> 00:47:46,000 and check out Devin's work the link 1086 00:47:46,266 --> 00:47:49,400 is in the show notes this has been raising men 1087 00:47:49,433 --> 00:47:52,500 I'm Shawn Dawson and you are a great parent 1088 00:47:56,966 --> 00:48:00,433 raising men is produced by Phil Hernandez 1089 00:48:00,700 --> 00:48:03,833 this episode was edited by Ralph Tolentino