that's actually what happened that's what I call
observe and describe you observe
what happened and described it which is very neutral
versus like my child's
being so bad if I don't do something
about this he's gonna grow up hitting everyone
he's gonna get kicked out of school
no one's gonna be his friend
all the parents are gonna judge me you know
you go down that road yeah
that's exactly that's exactly what happens
welcome back to raising men if you've ever
had a toddler
throw themselves on the floor because you
cut their toast the wrong way well you know how intense
those early years can be but what
if we frame toddlerhood not
as something that we have to endure
but as one of the richest seasons for growth both
for our kids and for us as parents
today I'm joined by Devin Coonsman she's the author
of Transforming Toddlerhood and the founder
of the business by that same name she's on a mission
to rewrite the story
that we tell about this stage of life
she helps parents move from chaos to connection
from power struggles to partnership and from guilt
to Grace Devin
welcome to raising men thank you so much for having me
well so so so many parents myself included
just absolutely brace themselves for the terrible twos
but you're promoting a different way of thinking
about toddlerhood tell me about it
yes you know we all get told
whenever we have a baby and then that baby starts
crawling and then that baby's about to start walking
just wait just wait until they're a toddler
just wait until they're two just wait
until they're a teenager everyone like warns
us and then I find that we enter toddlerhood
kind of like white
knuckling it like oh man what are we getting into here
and what I like to tell
families is that when we are focused on mitigating
something
that hasn't even happened yet we're already training
our brains to look for what
we would say would be like
negative or the behavior we don't wanna see
so of course we're gonna start noticing
that if we're hyper focused on
what's gonna go wrong when our kid turns 1 2 3
you know and so if we start looking at twos
as a critical developmental period
instead of a terrible
developmental period because it sets the stage
for brain development for emotional development
for the rest of your child's life then we actually can
support our child's development and be empowered
but if we're just looking for the terrible
then we're actually doing
ourselves a disservice as parents
we're gonna feel a lot more frustrated
and we're gonna have a lot less access to being able to
really support our child's development
because we're too busy focused on
you know what's gonna go wrong or be bad about it
yeah I have a business mentor that used to say to me
um used to say your biggest opportunity
is often your biggest problem and vice versa
your biggest problem is often your biggest opportunity
and that has you know in the business
context always helped me really reframe
what I'm looking at as the other thing which is
a really
really useful thing and we look at toddlerhood as
this enormous problem oh man I'm gonna have to endure
and you know set boundaries and do all of that
but if you think about it as
wait no I have the opportunity to really set them on
the right trajectory it it changes your behavior
absolutely everything that we treat as a problem
is an opportunity
for learning an opportunity for growth whether that
is our child's tantrum
or if we lose our patience as the parent
all of these so called problems truly are opportunities
so I love thinking about this in the business context
too absolutely is true in parenting so how
so tell me about how it works how do how do toddlers
actually learn and communicate
through their emotions and behavior
yeah so in toddlerhood
in my book I talk a lot about younger toddlers versus
older toddlers
so I think to have this conversation is good to establish
like okay what's a toddler here so
I like to talk about younger toddlers ages 1 and 2
and these are our younger ones that um are definitely
in toddlerhood and they have very
limited expressive language skills
so they're not able to tell us a lot about what they're thinking
and feeling and need but they absolutely
can understand a lot of what we're saying
then we have 3 and 4 year olds that are older toddlers
that still have the same lack of brain maturation
lack of skills although they're learning
more because they have a little more life experience
but now they have a better command of expressive
language so they're gonna start experimenting
with words to communicate how they feel
but they're gonna miss the Mark so they're gonna say things like
you're not my friend anymore I don't know you're mean
things like that whereas like a one and two year olds
going to use their behavior a lot more to express their
um feelings emotions
and needs and so what we really need to understand
instead of labeling behavior as good and bad
we need to label behavior
as communication it's communicating
your child's feelings and emotions
their level of brain maturation their the lower brain
the um more primal part of our brain that's
responsible for feelings and emotions
the stress response
I call that the Conan the barbarian brain
as opposed to the Sherlock Holmes brain
exactly yeah it's like this part of the brain
is really well developed for toddlers
that's why they drop
down there so quickly and so often
whereas the part of the brain that's
responsible for emotional regulation logical thinking
um empathy all of this is not very mature
so toddlers have a harder time staying there
so we're going to see them using behavior
to communicate
their um their feelings and emotions their basic needs
their sensory needs and their developmental needs
like the need to feel capable
to exert their will to have a sense of control
to experiment and explore
these are all things your toddler is working on
because the whole point of toddlerhood
is for your little one to
become their own person to develop a sense of self
for the very first time in their lives
realizing they're a separate individual
from their parents and caregivers so what do
you know I found that in my experience
and I I remembered even when they were little babies
it felt like they were trying to manipulate me
or they were scheming to try and get you know
I don't know more candy or
or whatever it was but obviously
I mean they're not they're they're behaving
out of that cone in the barbarian
brain what are the tactics I need
in order to keep myself in the Sherlock Holmes brain
from and and keep myself from dropping down there
and and and getting in a fight
yeah it's so easy to jump on your child's
emotional roller coaster
the first thing we need to do after we understand that
you know all behavior is communication
we have to like reframe
the story we're telling ourselves about that behavior
so instead of saying oh my kids being so manipulative
when we kind of get to the root of what's happening
which toddlers are reliant on us to really
meet their needs their physical needs
their emotional needs and so they're being
strategic to ensure their needs are met
whether that's to get another piece of candy
or to like feel connected
to us or to like get their next meal because
I mean your kid can't just
hop in the car go to the grocery store
cook up a meal and things like that so
I think we sometimes forget that young children
are just reliant on us to get all of these needs met
so as soon as we can start saying
my toddler's not being bad they're having a hard time
we're going to start looking at solutions
and how do we help our child have the skills
or have the support
they need to be successful versus asking ourselves
what punishment does my child need
so if you're thinking
how do I not jump on this roller coaster
we really have to tell ourselves we have to like
tell ourselves when we start getting in that stress
response hey wait a minute brain
you're trying to trick me you're trying to trick me
into this sense of urgency
you're trying to trick me that there is a threat
right now so we literally
have to just make sure our kids are physically safe
and that we're physically safe
um you know if your child's hitting you have to
put them down
you have to create some space between you maybe you
have to like put a pillow
between the two of you whatever it is to like tell your brain
hi we're safe here this is not an emergency
yeah and then you can start to ground yourself
and come back up to your upper brain
and be more regulated but
we have we're really fighting against that innate
biology
that's trying to tell us there's a threat there yeah
one of the issues I have is I like to see two
data points and then I'll draw a line between the two
and then I'll act as if we're all the way over in the
infinite extension of that line
as if if I let the kid get away with you know whatever
then when he's an adult he's gonna do X
right I
I have to actively beat down that reflex in myself
and just recognize that it's that fear
loop right that like that like extrapolation that
we we go into whenever we're like feeling that stress
response yeah yeah it it is
and and I'm almost when I'm doing that I'm almost
worried about how it reflects on myself
as opposed to how it's
how it's gonna impact him when he's older
and you know I think taking the ego out of it
is another real important key to
being able to manage that
yeah this is why a lot of parenting truly is mindset
because if we get stuck in these thought loops yeah
where we're
telling ourselves a story
about our child's behavior like oh
they're gonna grow up to be a brat manipulative
a bully or whatever or we get into thought loops
about the story we're telling ourselves about
you know our parenting oh we have no control
we're doing a bad job or ruining
our kid you know all of the thought loop or
am I gonna be judged
or people gonna think I didn't do a good job you know whatever it is
right it's all of these um
thought loops that really stem from um
that place of like fear and being in the unknown
because our minds don't like to be out in the unknown
um and so it's really
about shifting our mindset to interrupt
these story loops that we tell ourselves that
really take us out of the present moment and you know
put us into a place of fear
and then we're acting from fear
of the future of something that may never happen
instead of what's actually
happening in the moment'cause what's happening in the moment
per se is like
I was holding my kiddo and getting him a glass of milk
but he just woke up from his nap and was still groggy and sleepy and I wasn't
moving fast enough and he like bought me on the head
and like that's
that's actually what happened that's what I call
observe and describe you observe
what happened and described it which is very neutral
versus like my child's
being so bad if I don't do something about this he's gonna grow up hitting
everyone he's gonna get kicked
out of school no one's gonna be his friend
all the parents are gonna judge me you know
you go down that road yeah
that's exactly that's exactly what happens
and so I mean that's a really
this observe and describe
thing is a really great practical tool uh
walk me through how that works in practice
like let's let's continue with this with this
um with this example
he bonks you on the head as you get him
as as you get him some milk what do you do yeah
so typically you'll see this type of behavior
from like a kid that's between 1 and 2 years old where they're just experimenting
with their bodies and how to use their bodies
to communicate because they can't say like faster or
this is taking so long or I really need milk
right now or whatever it is so what you might do is um
if it just happened once and your child's
not like really really upset you might just say oh
you just hit me
are you trying to say you want the milk
you can say milk please milk please
use your hand gentle like this
you know so it's really about creating connection
setting limits and following through
and teaching skills
this is the recipe for healthy effective discipline and
say that your child's
though really upset and they're like going to a tantrum and they're like
flailing and hitting and things like that
then you have to respond
a little different you have to start with the limit
because if not if you don't establish that safety
you're going to feel um
more and more stressed and get into that like stress
response right so I might say something like
I won't let you hit hitting hurts
and then maybe give like um
you know set them down or
say oh you can hit this cushion
you can't hit Mommy something like that
and then once they're like calming
down a little bit I might say wow
looks like you were feeling frustrated
you wanted that milk faster and Mama wasn't fast enough
when you want milk you say milk please
because it's really about teaching skills
yeah when kids have the skills
to communicate they do better
I think a lot of the time especially you know before
I really developed
the skills to deal with that sort of thing
in a healthy way not that I do all the time by any
stretch of the imagination oh we're
no one's perfect here yeah
exactly because we're human beings we like literally
are incapable of being 100% consistent
100% perfect it's like not even possible
as human beings yeah
but it was easy for me to forget that
this this really is a skill thing they they don't
I wouldn't get mad at them for not being able to walk
or run and yet
I'll get mad at them for not having
the interpersonal skills required in order to
express dissatisfaction in a healthy way that's insane
yeah cause they just don't have the life experience
and the brain maturation and the impulse control
yeah and that's the thing it's like a child's impulse
control at the at this age
especially in toddlerhood is much lower
then their developmental drive to exert their will
and to you know like they're just not able to
control themselves in these moments and
I I typically say like okay we wouldn't punish a child
who's like learning to ride
a bike and like falling down or like learning to swim
like who has ever punished a child
who's like learning to swim and like doesn't have the skills
yet right but that's the difference between
like the hard skills you know like physical skills
and then like the soft skills
which are social emotional skills because
social emotional skills are harder to see
we sometimes forget that those skills indeed
are there and they are still a skill
they're actually skills
yeah and you have to develop them
now let's let's continue this um
this example that we talked about with the milk
as the as as a toddler gets older
the the communication switches from behavior to verbal
right yes so
you know is do you the way that you deal with it
is it different
um when they're starting to melt down
instead of you know hitting you or pushing you
yeah so we regardless of like a child's
age I still use the same framework but
the things we do and say
inside the framework might change a little bit
so let's say that we have a child who is um having
a tantrum let's say that you gave them milk
and then they wanted
more milk but that's like not within your limits
that the milk is all done
you know that we're not giving more milk
and so then they start getting really upset
because it's typical when we set a limit
for a child to have a reaction
to that because we just took away
their sense of control which they're developmentally
driven to have a sense of
control because they're trying to
become their own individual
so when we take away that sense of control
they're not gonna like it right so they're gonna say something about it so now your kiddo is
headed into a meltdown
the biggest thing to do during a meltdown you might
less is more typically but you might say
oh you really wanted more milk and the milk is finished
and then your you know your child is just um
upset and crying yeah
so the biggest thing that you can do during
that time is just ground yourself
take deep breaths and try to keep your
emotions in check yeah because the calmer you can stay
emotions are contagious and so that will
wear off eventually it works both ways right
emotions are contagious
so when they're melting down it wants me to melt down
exactly because then we're trying to jump on their
emotional roller coaster and we're like wait
someone's got to pull the brakes here yeah so
you can't do that if you're on the roller coaster so
the biggest mistake though I see parents
make when it comes to tantrums
besides punishing a kid for having a tantrum
when really they're just having a hard time coping here
um is that
parents will sit and like stand by the refrigerator
in this example waiting for their child to
decide to stop crying and accept the limit
the challenge is is that if we
don't start moving forward
then our child will think there's a chance
there's a chance they might just open that fridge
and give me another sip of milk so it's
important to not only say okay the milk's all done
but to also move forward
so you might like grab like a cup of water and say
oh there's water here when you're ready and
you know you set it on the table
and then maybe you go turn on some music
you get out a toy you start playing
when your child sees you moving forward then
they're more likely to move forward
because they see like any chance of you backtracking
has like that train's left the station
yeah it's not it's not gonna happen yeah
yeah I I can see I mean that appeals to me as an adult
I can imagine times where you know I'm not getting
what I want but the person is still kind of dangling it in front of me and then
that sort of gives me hope and then I I
stick with that and then whereas if we move on past it
then I can I can start handling it
yeah and let me take this example a step further
for all the parents that are like okay
yeah well I just put that cup of water on the table
and of course if I have a kid having a tantrum
I'm probably gonna make sure there's a lid on it
and at least a lid um but hopefully in like a spill
proof like water bottle type of thing but if not
and your kid just goes and like swipes off the table
cause they're mad and they don't want that water yeah
we might be so tempted to say what are you doing
you don't do that clean that up right now
you know whatever it is go to your room
sit in the corner that's bad you know whatever it is
but we have to understand
that our kid is like seeing
red they're out of their minds
right now they're not doing this to be bad they're doing this to convey
how frustrated and upset
and then you got people say well they should just know better
you know what when your kiddo's
not losing their mind and upset and stuck in a stress
response in that lower brain they do
know that they shouldn't
swipe water and you know throw water off a table
yeah however
in that moment being stuck in a stress response
our kids are not thinking rationally yeah
they are just trying to communicate
their deep displeasure the
best way they know how so what we need to do is
let our kid get over the hump of the tantrum
tantrums are always kind of like a bell
curve right like at some point it's gonna peak
and then they're gonna come down the other side yeah
and then when they're coming down the other side
that's when they can start to hear us again
and we're like connecting
and then we say something like
you were so upset you threw the water off the table
let's clean that up water stays on the table
let's clean that up together and you give them like a
sponge you get a sponge and then
you know you go clean it up that's teaching
that's teaching like our actions have a consequence
yeah but like in a logical way
right not in an adult imposed arbitrary consequence
where we're like now you have no
screen time the rest of the day or no dessert tonight
yeah that's an arbitrary
consequence not a logical consequence which is like you
spilled the water through the water
now we need to clean up the water yeah yeah and I think
you know I I can imagine that one of the the
the push backs against that concept is
no they need to be punished
because they need to learn that they can't spill water
and that's the answer to that yeah
the way they're learning
that is the natural consequence of having to clean up the water
yeah and and so like like
applying an arbitrary consequence
like no screen time for the rest of the day
they won't connect those things it's you know it's
I don't know very similar to training a dog in that way
they just don't you know it just feels like
it it feels arbitrary to them and that's
that's its own problem
if they feel like they live in this arbitrary world where at any moment
the hammer comes down then that creates
all this anxiety and
and is really maladaptive I I imagine
exactly and that's the thing where it's like
are we trying to help our kids learn
how to learn that human beings make mistakes and learn
how to make things right after making a mistake yeah
or are we trying to teach kids
that they should comply with a higher
you will respect my authority
authority right like no matter what
because if we want to focus on compliance
based parenting and us being in control
then we're setting ourselves
up to always have to be there to draw the line in the sand
yeah versus kids learning the skills
the emotional regulation the behavior regulation skills
and also like this skills to make amends
and to make things right like oh yeah I knocked
that water over I should like go clean that up versus
like
going to sit in the corner and think about what they did what they're thinking
about is that maybe I have lost my parents
unconditional love and acceptance which is
what your child is most concerned about this age
because again
they're reliant on you to get all of their needs met
so if they feel like that connection is threatened
they're going to have a lot of fear
going through them because then
maybe they're not gonna get a meal
maybe they're not gonna get a hug and that's what matters
most to your kids at this age and so
we have to think like do we want our kids
be motivated by fear
and like really be setting up the fear
pathways in the brain
that's like priming kids for anxiety and depression
and things like that or do we want to
really strengthen the neuro pathways and connections
that are um full of connection and learning
you know the outcomes
of like behavior how to make amends
how to like clean up the messes literal literal
messes and figurative
messes like the emotional messes right
yeah but it it seems like the whole the key to this is
maintaining your own emotional regulation
when the kid knocks the glass of water off the table
and water spills all over everything
maybe on the furniture you know ruining some stuff
how do you stay emotional what are some tactics
that you use to stay emotionally
regulated in that moment that's something that I
feel like I struggle with someone yeah absolutely
and there's gonna be days where we're like
more resource or less resource
right like days where we're more tired more hungry
have more
stress in our lives right and it's gonna be harder
to stay at that emotional equilibrium
here's the good news
you don't always have to stay there
but the best way to get there is to
again establish the physical safety and then literally
tell yourself this is not an emergency
I am safe and my child safe because when we can tell
our brains we are safe
and then practice grounding ourselves then
it's going to get better it's gonna get easier to pause
so we have to really
fight that biological sense of urgency to react
right now because
it's not gonna make a difference if we react if we
respond to our child's behavior
right now or in five minutes like it's gonna be okay
it's better to respond in a way that's
you know emotionally healthy so we have to ground
ourselves
and it's gonna be different for every person so I really recommend
that you go
and like think about okay what are things that help me feel like calm and regulated
is it taking deep breaths is it like
checking in with my five senses is it
like smelling some essential oil or lighting a candle
is it sitting down is it looking outside
is it splashing cold water on my face is it blowing
bubbles
it could even be something silly like blowing bubbles
right like keeping bubbles in your
your kitchen or nearby but I recommend that everyone
write down like
three things that um you either know helps
calm you down and ground you or three things to try
practice those for a week first of all
stick it on sticky notes
all over your house so you can
remember when you're like seeing red
and then practice it and see what you find out
I know for myself personally
I the more I can move
it like helps like give energy to like my frustration
so for me sitting down or even laying down like taking
away my ability to move like calms me down
a lot whereas some people actually
need to move I'm the reverse
yeah I need to take a look right yeah so you know it's
it's really you have to get to know yourself
um and see like what will work
for you but here's the good news say that um
you know you have
this you you've you've just totally lost it and you
use shame blame guilt judgment or fear
in that moment where your kids you know behavior
went off the rails
and your behavior went off the rails
you can always come back and repair
the relationship and that's what it means
to take a problem
and turn it into an opportunity
right it's an opportunity to rewire your brain
and to model that repair process
right to make amends with your child and strengthen
that relationship and then model skills
that your child's going to learn
now I'm not saying that we should like
purposely like troll our kids yeah um
to be able to create opportunities no there will be
plenty of them of of natural opportunities to exactly
right so I'm not just saying like oh you should just like
go hard on your kids and then repair it yeah no
but what this is is like
as human beings there's gonna be moments
that like we just mess up we make mistakes
and so do we want we want to like normalize
it's human to make mistakes
and what do you do once you make a mistake
and if you can model that process for your kiddo
it's on page I believe 49 in my book but I have a four step process
for making amends which is um taking ownership
so that might be something like hey
back there
I felt really frustrated
and I totally lost control and yelled
and then you want to check in with your kid to check in on the impact
so you might say something like
how was that for you and if you have a 1 year old they might not say anything
if you have a 2 year old they might say bad
if you have a 3 or 4 year old they might say
something more
and then you just validate and repeat it back you might say
oh you feel blank or
that was blank thanks for telling me
right so now you're telling your child hey
we can have tough conversations and still
and it's okay like we don't have to shy away from like
these tough conversations
then step 3 apologize hey I'm sorry
I am so sorry that I yelled at you
and that was not my intention
and then step 4 is the most important part
which is the redo next time X y and Z happens
here's what I'm going to do
then you practice it in that moment and guess what
when you're a toddler
becomes a school age kiddo of 5 6 7 years old
they're gonna be your accountability
buddy they're gonna be like hey remember mom last time
uh this happened you said you were gonna X y and Z
that's great you know because
in the end now we're showing kids
what it's like to be human and they're actually helping us and we
the goal is to work ourselves out of the job and to
you know
to be partners with our kids we're still in charge but
this is great cause it means your kids
learning the skills too yeah what a powerful
tactic I I love that 4 step repair process
you know the the um
I'm a I'm a pilot and
that's one of my hobbies is flying airplanes
and in in in in flight training
a lot of what we do is
managing emergencies
right and it's all about
I mean the the mechanics of learning how to fly
are in fact even in your very first lesson you'll
you'll start practicing
what happens if your engine fails right and um
one of the first things that
they teach you to do in dealing with emergencies
in an airplane where I mean literally you're
you could be seconds away from
catastrophe is
um the first item on the checklist is wind the clock
and you think okay I just lost my engine
and you want me to wind the clock
and the reason is because it takes you out of the loop
out of that reaction loop for
you know three to five seconds
I'm I'm gonna wind the clock and then you can
sit down and go okay well what am I gonna do
and um
and that's
you know I feel like that's a really good metaphor for dealing
with the meltdowns also is
wind the clock just you you don't have to do anything
we're not there's not a car coming to hit the kid
we're physically safe yep so wind the clock just
sit there and think for a moment and then and then
decide how you're gonna act and then do the thing
yeah it's all about disrupting the stress response yeah
yeah how do we disrupt it how do we you know
throw a wrench in it so to stop that loop or to stop that cycle
and it's
it's challenging and so that's why I create all these
frameworks
right so we can write it down we can have it on sticky
notes we can yeah like remind
ourselves of it in the calm
moments and hopefully in the challenging moments
too and the first step is establish safety establish
the physical safety
yeah so then you can create the emotional safety
you know
as I as I think back over
you know my childhood journey I
right now I have two kids one of them's 6 one of them's
3 so one of them's kind of outside that toddler
zone that you're talking about one of them's
still smack dab in the middle of it um I don't remember
any of the fights
but I do remember the times that I didn't
measure up to my own sense of values where I lost it
or or you know I failed and I think that you know
how to part of it is being able to have the Grace
to recognize that everybody
fails and you know you you haven't
irretrievably broken your kid by yelling at him one time
uh even if it was really bad and you know what are
what are some of the tactics that you have
for giving yourself that Grace yeah
I talk about this a lot in my book as well so
you know of course
repairing the relationship is by and far
the No. 1 thing that we can do is to like re establish
that parent child bond and to
you know really make amends
making amends make amends make amends however
for our own internal mindset in these moments
it's really easy to go into a doom loop
to go into a fixed mindset I'm failing
I'm such a bad parent I'm messing
them up they're gonna need years of therapy
you know all the things yeah and so
um what you wanna do
I always say stop looking in the rearview mirror
this is a car metaphor
stop looking in the rearview mirror
stop living in the past
and what a could have should have land saying
I should have done this
could have done that if I just would have done this
X y and Z
that's not going to help us do different next time
so what we wanna do
is look out the windshield at the horizon
and we wanna say hey here's what happened
here's what I Learned here's what I wanna do next time
and then go forward and try it out
practice it in the calm moments yeah try it again
in the challenging moments
and be willing to make those mistakes
and practice again each and every time you practice
you're making progress not perfection
your practice makes progress
and each and every moment is an opportunity to practice
again
we just have to choose if we're gonna look through the
um rearview mirror
or if we're gonna look out the windshield
toward the horizon where we're going
yeah that's a really great metaphor
looking out the windshield versus the rearview mirror
it's up to you yeah
you know one of the themes that I've kind of detected
through this conversation is this notion of
parenting through connection or through control
right you know what is your goal
here are you trying to cultivate
something within your child or are you just trying to
crack the whip
and so what are some of the signs
why do we feel like we need that control why why do we
what's what's the reflex
there and why is it there and what do we do about it
yeah so Chapter 4 of my book is the um
Knowing Your parenting role
where I talk about the different types of parenting
roles the controlling commander
the permissive pushover the nagging
negotiator and the confident leader and guide yeah and
we often times want to like will slip into this role
of the controlling commander because
okay having a sense of control
some all human beings need to feel a sense of agency
right to
have some sense of agency some sense of control
and that's also very prominent in the toddler
years as your child is trying to
become their own person so it's very very prominent
but it's important to all human beings
so when we start to realize well when our toddler
starts to realize that they're a separate
individual from us and not an extension of us we often
times are still treating
them as an extension of us because we often
feel like babies are an extension of us um and so
we start getting bent out of shape when our agenda
and our toddler's agenda
doesn't match and we feel that sense of
control slipping away
and we start to realize that control is
an illusion and then
when we start looking at things like sleep eating
and going to the bathroom like you can't force
your child to close their eyes and sleep
you can't force your child to chew
food and swallow it you can't force your child to like
release and go to the bathroom right and so
toddlerhood is one
big wake up call that control is an illusion
and that is very very disconcerting because
it challenges our sense of agency and it's very hard
to be in relation with someone um especially whenever
there's such a
power dynamic difference right because we're bigger
stronger
and have a lot more life experience than toddlers so
it feels easier to like dominate and
control because they're smaller less experienced
and things like that and so
often times we're just trying to like assuage
our own discomfort and anxiety when faced
with the idea that
controls an illusion and so we think okay
I've got to have compliance
and then you couple that with like the fear
loop of like extrapolating the future
yeah so that's why we're trying to constantly
control our kids behavior
so you're either gonna have like more docile
personality children that are going to
like comply out of fear but you're priming
them for anxiety and people pleasing
or you're gonna have strong willed kids
who are going to constantly
push back push back push back
and then when they get older
those are the kids that are going to like
be more likely to lie to hide
things from you because they're afraid of getting in trouble so the kids eventually
get bigger and they get smarter and they you know have
better tactics and so really we have to think okay
connection based yes it might be more work up front
but we're still setting limits and following through
we're not saying this is a free for all
here we have to have limits
limits are so very important
but we're also not ignoring our child's
feelings and emotions and needs
but we are teaching skills
that are going to have our child be successful
and work ourselves out of the job and it gets easier
then we don't have to try to like have a
6 or 7 year old that we're trying to
control every second because good luck
yeah what so how do you deal with discipline and I I
you've advocated for something that called positive
discipline what does that look like day to day
yeah so what I like to
you know everyone's like positive discipline
conscious discipline gentle
discipline gentle parenting all the
I like to call it developmentally smart basically
we're working with our child's development
not against it and what we know from the research
that this closely aligns
with what we call authoritative parenting where
there are clear boundaries and limits in place
we are creating the container however we are still
trying to meet our child's needs
within those boundaries we are still taking
their feelings and emotions into
account and we're also teaching skills so for example
say this is like if anyone has a pet at home
you have a toddler your toddler probably
has or soon will discover the dog's water dish
and they are going to want to go play in that water
because toddlers
love water right it's sensory play it's super exciting
so you could come from like a compliance um
first in conventional way of parenting
see your child play in that water dish and say
bad no you don't do that we don't play in that water
yeah it's something like this punish them and then
okay like we did that
but what about the child's needs
what about the child's feelings
right right so we can accomplish the same thing
in a developmentally smart
emotionally healthy way by saying
oh looks like you wanna play with water
you're having so much fun playing with water
this is the dog's water no dogs water stays here
let's go play in the sink
or let's go take a bath let's go do these dishes
let's go play with a water table outside find a way
for your child to have water play
that's within your boundaries
so now we are still having limits
but we're taking our child's needs into um into
consideration yeah I find that once
when they get older you can kind of put the monkey
on their back
you you know yes
oh you want this thing but that's outside the boundaries
how do you think you might
what what's another way we could
get the benefit of that exactly so you can start this
around 3 years old but definitely
around when your child's 4 you can start saying well
what do you think how could we make this better
what's your
idea what's a way that we can play with water
that you know is within boundaries
like what you get to be
it's called collaborative problem solving yeah
and this is how we we as parents make our jobs easier
and this doesn't mean that you're weak or soft
what it means is that you're respecting
your child as a human being and as an individual
now you don't have to do what your child says
but when you let your child give some ideas
of how to figure out what to do next
not only are they practicing problem solving skills
they may come up with something you hadn't
thought about because we can't remember we we look
through at life through a very logical lens
because our brains are fully developed
and we just don't remember what it's like to
look at life in a different way without our brains
being fully mature so
our kids might teach us something or have a great idea
or maybe they don't have a great idea and you
have to work together to come up with something acceptable
but this is how you work yourself
out of the job and how you release
some of that pressure of having to have everything
figured out and know what to do all the time it's okay
for you and your child to work through it and figure it out
and then you're creating buying
cause your child feels like they have a voice
they're gonna be more likely to cooperate
when they feel like they have a voice yeah
I had a I had an experience along those lines recently
the um
the kids were in the back of the car and I was driving
along and they were bickering about something
they each wanted
the same toy or something along those lines right and
um and they were starting to
kind of yell at each other and that that is really
upsetting to me I really don't like it when they're yelling in the car
and and so I
got on the boy the boy is older and
I kind of got on him about not you know
sharing with his sister his sister
is younger and she doesn't quite have
the the the mental skills to really
ask for what she wants or really know what she wants
and the boy can be happy with a lot of different toys
and she and and the girl can't and so
I kind of got on him about not sharing with his sister
and he took from that
oh well then she always gets whatever
whatever she wants and I have to sacrifice
that's fine she can have all the toys
is is the way that presented itself
and I kind of well that that didn't
really necessarily go as planned and
the next time that happened
which was about five minutes later I I said listen
what's a way
that you can give her what she wants
or something close to what she wants that doesn't
interfere with what you want
or that even maybe enhances what you want
he thought about it for a second he came up with a good
solution
oh how about I give her this part of the toy and I retain
this other part of the toy
and we'll both be happy about that
and it worked and it actually made him excited
about the solution as opposed to resentful about the
solution
because you know he was gonna have to give up everything
he wants for his brat sister
it was it was such a
an accidental parenting victory for me and I love it
it's amazing and this is such a great example
of what it looks like to teach skills over compliance
yeah right and when we're teaching skills
now you just empowered your kids
to resolve a conflict together
so next time they're going to be more likely to resolve a conflict
without you ever having to get involved
and the more that
you practice being the coach in these situations
versus the referee
that's when they're gonna learn those skills
and in a year
you're not even gonna have to get involved
they're gonna work it out themselves
cause one of them will be the voice of reason yeah
especially
once your three year old is a little bit older
and then they're gonna be like oh what can we do here
they're gonna figure it out they're not even gonna have to come get you
yeah it also puts me and the boy
kind of on the same side it's like alright
you know you and I are a team and we're trying to figure out how to
how to make these things as smooth as possible
and how do we how do we deal with your sister if she's
if she's freaking
out about this and it's not give her everything
she wants it's you know how do we how do we
how do we do it together
yeah kids just want to feel seen and heard
and that's why the connection piece is so important
yeah the problem is is that sometimes
people slip into permissive parenting
cause they're only focused on the connection piece
right and they never set any limits or anything
so that's why we still need to
have the connection piece
set limits and follow through and um you know teach
skills right and that was just a great example
the problem solving
skills but the more kids feel seen and heard
the more that they feel like they have a voice
the more that they're gonna be bought in the
the more that they're gonna cooperate
and the easier things are going to get
yeah I always love to finish up these conversations
um by asking everybody the same question
and I know that's gonna be putting you on the spot but
when you think about the kind of humans
we're raising what is one operating principle
or a truth that that you might offer for
every parent when it comes to raising their toddler
yeah
everyone is a human being doing their best
your child did not wake up today saying
how can I make your life miserable
how can I make your life difficult
and you didn't wake up today and say
how can I make your life difficult or miserable right
but sometimes as human beings
we're not going to be at our best we're trying our best
but we might not be at our best and that is okay
it is okay to be human and so we just have to let this
idea of perfect behavior for our children
and for ourselves to let it go embrace being human
embrace having a growth mindset embrace um
this like learning and growth together
and that's really where the magic is
that's a really powerful principle
the book is called Transforming Toddlerhood
and if this conversation helped you see parenting
in a new way share it with your friend
or and and like and subscribe to the channel
and check out Devin's work the link
is in the show notes this has been raising men
I'm Shawn Dawson and you are a great parent
raising men is produced by Phil Hernandez
this episode was edited by Ralph Tolentino