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Our fabulous

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research department
came up with a great topic for this week.

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Oh, our research department is so good.

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She is wonderful.

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Yes. So

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are we saying the wrong things

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to our kids about the divorce?

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I we did yell when I read this article.

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I was like, Huh?

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Now, doesn't mean like we've

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destroyed our kids
irreversibly destroyed our children.

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But I think the point of talking about
this is we can do better.

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We can help our kids even more.

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Like I think we did
the best we could, the best we knew how.

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I think we did an okay job.

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We can always improve,

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but if you're going through this,
you know somebody's going through this.

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I think that some of these things that

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I researched are would just can just help
your children

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get through the divorce
a little bit better.

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Well, I'm glad you brought up.

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It's not just the parents
that need to be careful what they say.

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It's friends of the family.

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Grandma and grandpa, aunts and uncles.

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It's anyone you know,

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These are dumb things you can say to
kids are going through a divorce.

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Yes, that makes sense.

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Yes, exactly. So.

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All right. Should we dive right in?

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You want to dive right in?

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All right.

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Let's let's get right to how we can not
traumatize our children as much.

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This first one I find very interesting.

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It says your dad or your mom,
That tiny edition of the word

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your creates otherness.

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Create creates separation of family or.

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Yeah. Part of that other group. Yes.

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So yes So Theba
so when you say instead of so

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obviously when you're married
you say, hey, mom is going to pick you up

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today, Dad's going to call you later,
Dad's waiting to talk to you.

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A lot of people, once they get divorced,

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it is now this your mom and

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the kids

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will say instead of the kids
saying mom is going to pick me up,

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they say, my mom
or my dad is going to pick me up.

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So we still do this today.

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It's been 12, 12 years.

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We still do.

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I say you think we do.

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I say Mel and go
talk to your mom about that.

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Yeah.

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Instead of just saying, Madeline,
go talk to Mom about that.

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All right?

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I Well, isn't that interesting?

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We destroyed the seven older kids.

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I guess we can fix the last three. Yeah.

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Yeah, we'll see.

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I don't know.

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So, yeah, it just says that divorce

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does create changes
in the family dynamic, obviously.

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But honoring how the child sees the parent
can help keep a sense of cohesion.

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So it's still your mom, It's
still your dad.

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But adding this your right.

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Hey, what does your mom think about this
instead of what does mom think about that?

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Because because you got divorced, it
didn't.

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That is still there, Mom.

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And that is still there, Dad.

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But you're adding something that
you never did before because you got to.

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Well,
this goes into another strange thing,

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and that is
what do you call your stepmother?

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Right.

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We had this problem when we first
when we first got married.

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Yeah.

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Because little tiny David,
he was so young.

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He was calling you Mom sometimes.

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And sometimes he was just for,
like, in his mind,

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like someone that's loving me
and taking care of me is mom.

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And so he did say mom for a while,
and that can be super

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hurtful to the bio parent for sure.

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Like, no, I'm mom, you're not.

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And but yet it's hard
to say to a little kid.

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They're not they don't you know,

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you don't want to think
they're doing something wrong.

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So, you know, it's very delicate to go,
hey, so don't call me mom.

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But it's that's very tricky.

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So we came up with funny things.

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They called you Storm.

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They called you obviously step mom.

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So Storm POM pom Paige and Mom?

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Yep. POM. Sometimes
some of the kids still call me POM.

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You have one or two too?

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Yeah, most of them just call me Page now.

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But when they're little,

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like we never told them to call me
Mom ever.

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It just happened.

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And then when that naturally occurred,
it's hard to go to them and say,

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You need to stop doing that.

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But we did correct it
and but this all goes into that.

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I like how they said this.

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Your you're emphasizing the
your all that's doing is driving a wedge

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even further between the kids in their
and their parents.

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Yeah.

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And when I say parents I mean both sides.

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If you're the one always saying your dad
or your mom,

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you're actually alienating your kid
from yourself as well.

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Yeah. So anyway, so how to fix that?

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Stop saying your just say
mom is going to pick you up today

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or dad is going to give you a call later
today.

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Get rid of the your asking me hard.

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It's going to be really hard.

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Yeah, but I can totally see.

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I will try it. Yeah. We'll give it a shot.

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Yeah, I can see where that's coming from.

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All right, next one. Bus situation.

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It wasn't that a guy.

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Wasn't that a band in the eighties?

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The situation. Yeah.

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Or some rapper called The Situation
or something.

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I don't know.

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I don't know.

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Well, in this case,
it does not mean that guy or gal

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or a group, someone's going to someone's
going to call me or

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send me an email and tell me who
the situation was, this situation.

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But when you're talking to your friend,

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a lot of times
you want to obfuscate the conversation.

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When you're talking about the divorce
or the

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the child support arrangements
or whatever, anything to do with the new

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and the new family dynamics,
whatever the case may be.

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When you use obfuscated words
like the situation,

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the kids know what you're talking about.

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They do.

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And the more you are talking in code
right in their mind

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and we've talked to our kids about this
when they don't have the full picture,

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they think usually they're thinking
something much worse than it really.

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They are very creative.

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Yeah, it gets very much worse
than what the real situation.

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So obviously,
if you're talking with your friend,

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maybe beforehand
you should tell your friend,

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I don't want to talk about the divorce
and what if my kids are in the room

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So just you can do that.

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But if it does come up,

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you can go ahead and say like,
how are things going with the divorce?

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And obviously,
if the kids are in the room, you know,

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you should probably say, you know what,
you know, we'll talk about this later.

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But yeah, talking in code not good.

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And I think it's so funny.

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So you haven't really
looked at this right, though?

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I had to look up what the word was.

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How do you say obfuscate?

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Yes, I had to look that up.

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Oh, and use the computer to say your.
Yeah.

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You're using that
like an everyday term right now.

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I had to look it up. So.

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Which means that

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when you tried to obfuscate,
which means like to hide, hide, conceal.

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Right, SEAL.

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Yes. So yeah, I had to look that word up.

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Well, we use it in computers all the time.

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That's the only reason I know it.

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Well, another thing
it said interesting here is, don't there

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there's ways to explain the divorce
that are not abstract,

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something they can understa.

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And remember, you're

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dealing with children here
and maybe even adolescents or teenagers.

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Still, they will

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they will take on their own perception
and they'll be very creative.

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So be very simple and direct and use

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use the word divorce
instead of the situation around the kids.

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Otherwise they'll create something new.

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Yeah, don't talk in code
and you can explain to them

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when you're talking about it,
you can maybe point out like, Oh,

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well, you know, these people who you're,
you know and love,

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they're divorced, right?

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Like, so that they you can point them to

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a situation

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that is, you know,
they don't think is awful.

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They're like, oh, wow,
I didn't know that they recognized. Yes.

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That they recognize.

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So it's sad
when you're trying to explain divorce,

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maybe
try and use someone that they already know

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and love. So, yeah.

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So no talking in code either.

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Don't talk about it in front of them
or use the correct terms, but be

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be careful what you say
in front of the children for sure.

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Okay.

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The next thing that we should not say
that we have said, it's not about you.

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What in the world does this mean?

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It's not about you?

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So like, you know,
why are you guys getting divorced?

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You know,
it was something I did. Or was it?

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You know, and you say it's not it?

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No, no, it's not.

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You're not saying that in a mean way
or a bad way. It's not about you.

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It's a no, no, no, sweetie.

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It's not about you, right?

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It's about Dad and I.

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They're saying this.

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I colleges are saying,

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don't do that.

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It's not specific enough.

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You need to be more specific
on what caused the divorce

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just by saying it's not about you.

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It's a grown up issue.

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Now, I guess what?

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The kids are going to go hog wild, crazy
with that one.

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Well,
it says like it's it's your instinct,

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right, to keep your children
from thinking they're to blame.

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So it's instinctive to say, no, no,
it wasn't you.

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It says this.

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This feels logical, right?

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A logical response.

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But yes, like you said,
it isn't specific enough to cause the.

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Well, then what caused it if it wasn't me?

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And you're not telling me exactly,
then it's causing them anxiety. And.

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Well, it's interesting because Dr.

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Rubinstein said here, I love this.

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He says it's not about
you also negates the fact

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that the divorce very much involves
the kids.

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Isn't that interesting?

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Very much involves
the kids, Yeah. Yes. So,

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yeah, it can wind up complicating.

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Right.

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Your children's feelings and experiences

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and maybe what
they're willing to share with you. So.

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So what do I stay in that?

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I mean, you don't want the kid to know
it's their fault

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if even if it is, it's
not the kid's fault.

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It actually never is the kid's fault.

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It says you can exploit.

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Like if you don't want to be specific,
if you think maybe they're too young

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and not able to handle the actual reasons
why you're getting divorced,

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you can explain that
mom and dad aren't getting along

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and they don't feel
like they can resolve it.

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And you can say that
grownups have adult issues that sometimes

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cannot be resolved
even as hard as they might try.

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So something like that. So, yeah.

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What do you think about that?

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I don't know.

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You don't like that?

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Well, I kind of do, but then it's almost.

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Are you giving your kids permission
to just give up when things get hard?

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No, no, I don't think so.

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Well, because,
I mean, you're kind of saying,

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well, Mommy,
mommy and daddy can't get along.

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So well
and they don't feel they can resolve it.

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So what do you think you should say?

247
00:11:41,733 --> 00:11:42,600
I don't know.

248
00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:45,900
It's not your fault.

249
00:11:45,900 --> 00:11:47,900
That's be You want to go back to that?

250
00:11:47,900 --> 00:11:49,600
I think so. It's just not your fault.

251
00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:51,966
Let's move on. Well,
this is a really hard one.

252
00:11:51,966 --> 00:11:56,766
I mean, when you talk about the divorce,
our younger kids have no idea.

253
00:11:56,766 --> 00:12:01,600
I don't think I have no idea
what why they they are younger kids.

254
00:12:01,766 --> 00:12:04,366
Our younger kids were so young
when we got divorced

255
00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:08,200
that they probably had no concept
of what was really going on.

256
00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:11,800
Our older kids understand what happened
with the divorce, but are younger kids.

257
00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:14,366
I don't think it even clues into them now.

258
00:12:14,366 --> 00:12:16,333
Yeah, this is just been their life.

259
00:12:16,333 --> 00:12:17,100
It's been their life.

260
00:12:17,100 --> 00:12:18,400
So are separate.

261
00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:20,433
So maybe this is for the kids that

262
00:12:21,666 --> 00:12:26,400
went through the divorce that remember
going through that that time.

263
00:12:26,566 --> 00:12:27,166
Yeah.

264
00:12:27,666 --> 00:12:29,033
Yeah. Okay.

265
00:12:29,033 --> 00:12:31,333
So it's a that's a tough one.

266
00:12:31,366 --> 00:12:32,166
That is a tough one.

267
00:12:32,166 --> 00:12:33,000
It's a really tough one.

268
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:35,700
And maybe it just per different kids.

269
00:12:35,700 --> 00:12:38,566
You say different things
to write different personalities.

270
00:12:38,566 --> 00:12:40,466
You feel like
you can say different things too.

271
00:12:40,466 --> 00:12:42,566
So I would add to that

272
00:12:42,833 --> 00:12:45,600
make sure that you're not throwing
your ex under the bus

273
00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:47,466
when you talk to the kids
about the divorce.

274
00:12:47,466 --> 00:12:49,266
Absolutely not.

275
00:12:49,266 --> 00:12:50,600
That is the wrong thing to do.

276
00:12:50,600 --> 00:12:54,600
All that will actually really do
is alienate you with your own children.

277
00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:55,200
Yeah.

278
00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:58,366
Now, if they're old enough,
you can share some facts with them,

279
00:12:58,733 --> 00:13:00,600
but make sure it's facts and not

280
00:13:01,533 --> 00:13:03,133
your opinion or how you're

281
00:13:03,133 --> 00:13:06,300
feeling or right or your emotions.

282
00:13:06,300 --> 00:13:10,800
So if you want to share some facts,
you can if they're old enough.

283
00:13:11,300 --> 00:13:12,800
But be careful.

284
00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:15,500
Yeah. Be careful to be careful.
So, yeah, it's tough on.

285
00:13:15,500 --> 00:13:15,800
All right.

286
00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:18,600
This next one,
I think is is really horrible.

287
00:13:19,300 --> 00:13:22,500
And I'm glad that they said
don't say this once again.

288
00:13:22,500 --> 00:13:26,400
I think people say this because they're
they're trying to soften the blow.

289
00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:27,266
They're trying to soften the blow.

290
00:13:27,266 --> 00:13:31,833
So this phrase that they say to stop
saying is this is a good thing.

291
00:13:32,733 --> 00:13:36,300
So I think some people say that
because they're like, you know what,

292
00:13:36,666 --> 00:13:39,600
Mommy and daddy
haven't been happy for a long time

293
00:13:39,600 --> 00:13:41,033
and our family hasn't been happy.

294
00:13:41,033 --> 00:13:43,200
And so this is a good thing.

295
00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:45,166
It is not a good thing.

296
00:13:45,166 --> 00:13:47,566
Maybe in the long term
it would be, right? Yes.

297
00:13:47,566 --> 00:13:51,133
And some like maybe if there was abuse, of
course, it's going to be a better thing.

298
00:13:51,133 --> 00:13:53,400
Right.
We're not talking about those situations.

299
00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:56,533
But but in that from the child's
perspective

300
00:13:56,533 --> 00:14:00,400
and I thought this was very interesting
and I truly believe believe this myself,

301
00:14:00,900 --> 00:14:02,833
anyone going through a divorce,

302
00:14:02,833 --> 00:14:06,300
it is a heart wrenching,
horrible thing to go through.

303
00:14:06,600 --> 00:14:07,600
Yeah, it is.

304
00:14:07,733 --> 00:14:10,000
And even if you're leaving
because there's abuse,

305
00:14:10,500 --> 00:14:13,033
you're getting divorced
because there's abuse, that

306
00:14:13,033 --> 00:14:16,366
that's a bad thing that you had
that you had to go through that.

307
00:14:16,400 --> 00:14:17,000
Right.

308
00:14:17,000 --> 00:14:19,666
So from the child's perspective,

309
00:14:20,100 --> 00:14:23,666
in the short term, this
this is devastating for them.

310
00:14:23,666 --> 00:14:28,000
So for you to come and say, oh,
it's a good thing you're actually negating

311
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:32,433
their feeling of pain that they're having
and you're sweeping it under the rug.

312
00:14:32,933 --> 00:14:34,266
Yes. Right.

313
00:14:34,266 --> 00:14:36,233
When they're like, oh, my gosh,
this is awful.

314
00:14:36,233 --> 00:14:37,833
Oh, no, honey, it's a good thing.

315
00:14:37,833 --> 00:14:42,200
Once again, I know people are saying that
with the good intentions,

316
00:14:42,933 --> 00:14:46,033
but it is sweeping
the pain under the rug, like you're

317
00:14:46,033 --> 00:14:48,500
not allowed to have your feelings,
You're not allowed to be sad.

318
00:14:48,500 --> 00:14:50,600
You're not allowed to come and talk to me.

319
00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:53,166
Because when you come and talk to me
to share, I'm just going to say

320
00:14:53,266 --> 00:14:54,066
it's a good thing.

321
00:14:54,066 --> 00:14:58,266
And mom and dad don't want to hear
what I have to say about this right now.

322
00:14:58,266 --> 00:15:00,800
One thing that one thing
that the article said, they said

323
00:15:00,800 --> 00:15:05,666
almost every child wants their parents
to be together under one roof. Yep.

324
00:15:05,833 --> 00:15:10,900
And that's even with
even if one parent is addicted to drugs,

325
00:15:11,233 --> 00:15:14,366
has anger issues, is abusive,

326
00:15:14,733 --> 00:15:19,000
they have found that most children
still believe in a fairy tale ending,

327
00:15:19,300 --> 00:15:21,766
that somehow things are going to work out
and get better.

328
00:15:22,133 --> 00:15:23,466
Don't you think that's fascinating?

329
00:15:23,466 --> 00:15:23,733
It is.

330
00:15:23,733 --> 00:15:26,966
Don't you remember when we got married
even a year or two after

331
00:15:26,966 --> 00:15:30,100
we got married, Madeline wanted us all.

332
00:15:30,100 --> 00:15:33,900
She would be like, Oh, can we just live
next door to each other and can't we?

333
00:15:33,900 --> 00:15:34,833
Like, she wanted to.

334
00:15:34,833 --> 00:15:38,200
She wanted us to make one big house
and have us all live together

335
00:15:38,233 --> 00:15:39,400
because she hated choosing.

336
00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:41,600
She hated, you know, going back and forth.

337
00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:44,700
She didn't like choosing this parent
for this and that parent for that.

338
00:15:44,700 --> 00:15:47,266
And she,
you know, such a cute little thing.

339
00:15:47,266 --> 00:15:50,600
She was just like, can't we just all live
together and be happy like it was?

340
00:15:51,233 --> 00:15:53,466
Okay, so what do you tell your kids?

341
00:15:53,466 --> 00:15:54,333
What do you tell a kid?

342
00:15:55,366 --> 00:15:57,733
You said, oh, this is a good thing.

343
00:15:57,733 --> 00:15:58,966
You say, don't say that.

344
00:15:58,966 --> 00:16:03,700
You say this is really,
really hard on everyone, this situation.

345
00:16:03,700 --> 00:16:04,866
No, no, not the situation.

346
00:16:04,866 --> 00:16:09,900
Does the divorce See, obviously,
we did not followed these rules at all.

347
00:16:10,700 --> 00:16:12,866
But the divorce, It's

348
00:16:12,900 --> 00:16:17,433
okay to say that the divorce is really,
really hard on everyone in our family.

349
00:16:17,433 --> 00:16:21,633
And Yeah, and we've we've made

350
00:16:22,833 --> 00:16:27,466
these very grown up choices
to divorce as a last resort.

351
00:16:27,500 --> 00:16:30,600
As a last resort,
because we want to try and

352
00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:34,933
make our homes right as happy as possible.

353
00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:38,433
So without fighting
or discord in the house.

354
00:16:38,566 --> 00:16:41,633
And I actually like how they phrased that.

355
00:16:41,633 --> 00:16:43,366
Yeah. Yeah.

356
00:16:43,366 --> 00:16:45,633
So this was our decision
was a last resort.

357
00:16:45,633 --> 00:16:47,300
We know it's super hard.

358
00:16:47,300 --> 00:16:49,666
Please come to me and talk to me
whenever you need to.

359
00:16:49,666 --> 00:16:50,733
I'm here for you.

360
00:16:50,733 --> 00:16:54,100
Share your feelings
and we can talk about how hard it is

361
00:16:54,100 --> 00:16:54,700
right.

362
00:17:04,600 --> 00:17:07,900
And softening blow. Yes. Don't worry.

363
00:17:07,900 --> 00:17:10,800
This is, as you're saying,
is is a good thing.

364
00:17:11,133 --> 00:17:13,333
You'll get double everything
you can throw.

365
00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:14,400
Actually, you can.

366
00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:17,566
You can be like, this isn't about you
and it's also a good thing.

367
00:17:17,700 --> 00:17:18,866
And you're going to get double everything.

368
00:17:18,866 --> 00:17:21,000
You can throw all of them
in at the same time.

369
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:23,966
That's what people do,
all the wrong things.

370
00:17:23,966 --> 00:17:26,066
And once that well, I've even I've even

371
00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:29,400
I was at a conference
this last week and we were talking

372
00:17:29,400 --> 00:17:32,066
and I said,
Yeah, we've gone through a divorce

373
00:17:32,100 --> 00:17:35,066
and we have a podcast about it,
the whole thing, and go,

374
00:17:35,333 --> 00:17:38,066
Oh, but your kids get double
everything. That even came up.

375
00:17:38,066 --> 00:17:41,133
And I was like, Yeah, they actually do.

376
00:17:41,133 --> 00:17:42,600
And people say that all the time.

377
00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:46,666
And we joke with the kids
sometimes when because the kids,

378
00:17:46,766 --> 00:17:50,000
if they are with us Christmas morning
and then they have to go to their moms,

379
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:52,500
they're like,
Oh, like we're already exhausted.

380
00:17:52,500 --> 00:17:53,466
We have to do it all over again.

381
00:17:53,466 --> 00:17:55,100
And when they come to our house
on the years

382
00:17:55,100 --> 00:17:57,566
that we're the second house
they're going to, they're like,

383
00:17:57,566 --> 00:18:01,333
We're already tired, like, And we're like,
Oh, poor you.

384
00:18:01,333 --> 00:18:02,433
You have done everything.

385
00:18:02,433 --> 00:18:03,966
Yeah, you have to have another Christmas.

386
00:18:03,966 --> 00:18:06,566
But it, it
and we actually talked about the kids.

387
00:18:06,566 --> 00:18:10,133
We talked this through Christmas
this year, what with the

388
00:18:10,433 --> 00:18:15,533
with the kids and said, you know, I can
see how that would be really, you know.

389
00:18:15,533 --> 00:18:17,266
Yeah. Everyone's like, oh, poor you.

390
00:18:17,266 --> 00:18:18,133
It's not

391
00:18:18,133 --> 00:18:19,800
you think
it's going to be this great thing,

392
00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:22,533
but Christmas, you have Christmas morning
is and open your presents

393
00:18:22,533 --> 00:18:25,466
and you got up early and then you have
breakfast and guess what?

394
00:18:25,766 --> 00:18:29,000
Now you get to go to another house
and do it all over again.

395
00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:32,333
And you have to be just as excited
and just as happy.

396
00:18:32,333 --> 00:18:35,866
And, you know, it's just like Groundhog
Day, right?

397
00:18:35,866 --> 00:18:37,733
You got to do it. Do it over again.

398
00:18:37,733 --> 00:18:41,433
And well, one thing they said,
when you say things like this,

399
00:18:42,366 --> 00:18:45,233
you're minimizing the pain
that they're going through at that time.

400
00:18:45,566 --> 00:18:47,333
Yeah.
And their feelings and their feelings.

401
00:18:47,333 --> 00:18:51,100
So even even this last Christmas
when the kids were like,

402
00:18:51,100 --> 00:18:52,066
yeah, we're kind of tired.

403
00:18:52,066 --> 00:18:55,200
Well, maybe we should change, you said,
Well, you know, stop your complaining.

404
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:56,933
You get double of everything.

405
00:18:56,933 --> 00:18:59,133
We just negated their feelings again now.

406
00:18:59,133 --> 00:19:01,333
And it's been, you know, 12 years.

407
00:19:01,333 --> 00:19:07,200
So this can happen to families like us
that have been blended for a long time,

408
00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:08,800
that have gone through divorce
for a long time.

409
00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:10,333
You can still make these mistakes.

410
00:19:10,333 --> 00:19:12,633
Yeah, of course. Of course. So

411
00:19:14,166 --> 00:19:15,100
kids,

412
00:19:15,100 --> 00:19:18,300
most kids would rather have two parents
in their house.

413
00:19:18,766 --> 00:19:19,166
Right.

414
00:19:19,166 --> 00:19:22,533
Have your family intact
than to get double everything right.

415
00:19:22,533 --> 00:19:25,400
Like, it's not like kids are like,
Oh, yay. I get double everything.

416
00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:28,733
It's they'd rather have their two parents,
so just be aware of that.

417
00:19:28,733 --> 00:19:31,500
So instead of saying
you'll get double everything,

418
00:19:32,066 --> 00:19:35,966
you can emphasize that they're going
to get more quality time with each parent.

419
00:19:36,166 --> 00:19:40,300
Once again, not sugarcoating everything,
like, Oh, you know,

420
00:19:40,466 --> 00:19:44,166
but you're going to have so much time
with your dad now, don't sugarcoat it.

421
00:19:44,166 --> 00:19:46,666
But you can definitely emphasize,

422
00:19:47,166 --> 00:19:49,200
right, that you're going to get

423
00:19:50,066 --> 00:19:52,200
you know, there are going to be some

424
00:19:52,900 --> 00:19:55,733
some new things that they could
do, like, oh, you get to spend

425
00:19:55,733 --> 00:19:59,400
more one on one time with your mom
or one on one time with your dad.

426
00:19:59,466 --> 00:19:59,733
Right.

427
00:19:59,733 --> 00:20:03,233
You get to have decorate a new room.

428
00:20:03,266 --> 00:20:03,500
Yeah,

429
00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:07,500
it you know,
maybe they're sharing a room with someone.

430
00:20:07,500 --> 00:20:12,500
Look, you get you get to,
you know, have a playtime all the time.

431
00:20:12,766 --> 00:20:15,033
You know, that's a good way to put it
for the young kids.

432
00:20:15,033 --> 00:20:16,000
They love that. Yes.

433
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:16,600
For the young kids.

434
00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:19,500
Yeah. Teenagers. Not so. No, no.

435
00:20:19,766 --> 00:20:23,066
But it said to make sure you get
their feedback when you are like, okay,

436
00:20:23,100 --> 00:20:24,400
we're moving to a new house.

437
00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:26,100
We're going to do your room.

438
00:20:26,100 --> 00:20:29,400
Don't just do their room
without their without their opinion,

439
00:20:29,400 --> 00:20:32,800
like they are in control
of not much of their life.

440
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:36,033
They have little control
over all this stuff happening.

441
00:20:37,133 --> 00:20:41,533
Let them have some control over something,
something and let them.

442
00:20:41,533 --> 00:20:44,066
Like I. I draw certain lines, right?

443
00:20:44,066 --> 00:20:47,700
Like you get to you get to veto things,
but hey, let's work on this.

444
00:20:47,700 --> 00:20:50,000
What are you thinking?
What colors do you like? What do you like?

445
00:20:50,466 --> 00:20:52,533
Talk to them
about what they want their room to be.

446
00:20:52,533 --> 00:20:54,733
And and if there's something
that you really don't want,

447
00:20:54,733 --> 00:20:56,900
then come to a compromise.
But get their feedback.

448
00:20:57,166 --> 00:20:58,933
Get their feedback. Love it.

449
00:20:58,933 --> 00:21:00,233
Okay, Last one.

450
00:21:00,233 --> 00:21:05,600
The biggest lie of all that we tell
kids of divorce, not much will change.

451
00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:07,366
I don't think I ever said this because I.

452
00:21:07,366 --> 00:21:09,766
I don't I don't understand
why I've heard people say yes,

453
00:21:09,766 --> 00:21:12,600
but I don't think I've ever said that
Not much will change.

454
00:21:12,600 --> 00:21:14,000
Everything's changed.

455
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:17,300
Your entire life
literally just went upside down.

456
00:21:17,866 --> 00:21:20,400
So, yes, that is a lie.

457
00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:22,733
You're now lying to your children.

458
00:21:22,733 --> 00:21:24,566
Well, we can do that, though.

459
00:21:24,566 --> 00:21:27,900
Sometimes we do to try to change
that, Right.

460
00:21:27,933 --> 00:21:29,033
We think we're protecting.

461
00:21:29,033 --> 00:21:32,900
But in essence and I think
this whole article really emphasizes

462
00:21:32,900 --> 00:21:36,766
you are minimal,
losing your children's feelings

463
00:21:36,766 --> 00:21:40,333
and you're ignoring the fact
that if you don't fill in the gaps,

464
00:21:40,633 --> 00:21:45,033
they will with something probably far
worse than what the situation really is.

465
00:21:45,033 --> 00:21:45,266
Right.

466
00:21:45,266 --> 00:21:47,100
And this is this not much will change.

467
00:21:47,100 --> 00:21:49,466
This actually is a lie.

468
00:21:49,466 --> 00:21:52,066
And if you're a child,
which your children can definitely like,

469
00:21:52,433 --> 00:21:53,500
they know that's a lie.

470
00:21:53,500 --> 00:21:55,800
If you say, oh,
not much is going to change.

471
00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:59,833
And so it says if your children know
that you're lying, which you are,

472
00:22:00,333 --> 00:22:05,000
they are less likely to believe you
and trust you in the future.

473
00:22:05,266 --> 00:22:06,066
Right?

474
00:22:06,066 --> 00:22:10,966
Like so try not to say things
that are literally a blatant lie.

475
00:22:10,966 --> 00:22:11,966
That is a blatant lie

476
00:22:13,100 --> 00:22:15,000
that has some blatant lie.

477
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:15,966
Not much will change.

478
00:22:15,966 --> 00:22:16,833
Yes, it will.

479
00:22:16,833 --> 00:22:20,466
Well, and what you
what you do need to say to them is,

480
00:22:20,466 --> 00:22:24,233
yes, there will be change,
but sometimes changes could. Hmm.

481
00:22:24,766 --> 00:22:28,800
There may be more people involved
in your life now, which would be good.

482
00:22:28,800 --> 00:22:31,533
So you try and emphasize
the good things about the change

483
00:22:32,600 --> 00:22:36,366
and recognize the hard things too,
that are going to change.

484
00:22:36,500 --> 00:22:37,733
Yeah. Yeah.

485
00:22:37,733 --> 00:22:38,400
There might be some.

486
00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:42,200
Yeah, maybe there's going to be
some new fun traditions, right?

487
00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:46,533
That you get to start
in, you know, the different household.

488
00:22:47,400 --> 00:22:51,166
But then yeah, also say like, yeah, I'm
going to be really sad that, you know,

489
00:22:51,166 --> 00:22:55,933
we don't share this with you anymore,
but just be honest, be real.

490
00:22:57,166 --> 00:22:59,000
But kids are resilient.

491
00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:01,066
I don't want you to think you've destroyed
your children.

492
00:23:01,066 --> 00:23:05,166
Kids are resilient, but you have
you have not stopped.

493
00:23:05,700 --> 00:23:08,200
You've not know, you've it's hard.

494
00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:11,500
You have to recognize
that what you're going through is very,

495
00:23:11,500 --> 00:23:14,933
very difficult, not just for you,
but for your children as well.

496
00:23:14,933 --> 00:23:15,966
And guess what?

497
00:23:15,966 --> 00:23:19,566
They need to
they need to know that you understand that

498
00:23:19,566 --> 00:23:22,666
it's difficult without you
sugarcoating everything all the time.

499
00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:26,966
Yeah, but don't get them in the
I mean, you need to point out the positive

500
00:23:26,966 --> 00:23:29,900
that you can write, but also don't

501
00:23:31,433 --> 00:23:34,033
brush under a broad

502
00:23:34,033 --> 00:23:34,933
sweep under the rug.

503
00:23:34,933 --> 00:23:36,666
That's the word. There you go.

504
00:23:36,666 --> 00:23:40,733
Sweep under the rug
what they're going through.

505
00:23:51,900 --> 00:23:52,933
Okay, Eliminate Mommy.

506
00:23:52,933 --> 00:23:57,433
The week is we're only down to three kids
and our traditional

507
00:23:58,100 --> 00:24:03,466
Valentine Valentine's Day auction dinner
was a little scarce with just three kids.

508
00:24:03,466 --> 00:24:05,400
Not nearly as much fun.

509
00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:10,666
Yeah, so to take our lemons
and make lemonade, we.

510
00:24:10,666 --> 00:24:14,000
Well, we've actually for years
now, we've been inviting our friends

511
00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:17,133
down the street,
but only one of their kids could come.

512
00:24:17,133 --> 00:24:19,333
So that still only left four kids.

513
00:24:19,333 --> 00:24:21,766
So we invited a
couple of other neighbor kids

514
00:24:22,766 --> 00:24:25,366
to come partake of our Valentine's Day
auction.

515
00:24:25,366 --> 00:24:28,866
And it was awesome
because these other kids, I wasn't

516
00:24:28,866 --> 00:24:31,500
I wasn't quite sure
they could handle the food auction.

517
00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:34,400
Oh, no, they handled it well.

518
00:24:34,700 --> 00:24:39,833
And I was surprised they were out there
bidding against what we thought

519
00:24:39,833 --> 00:24:43,966
was going to be the sushi rolls,
which we knew Madeleine wanted really bad.

520
00:24:44,233 --> 00:24:46,166
She got outbid and I was shocked.

521
00:24:46,166 --> 00:24:48,633
I was like, Whoa,
what do you mean when you say you didn't

522
00:24:48,633 --> 00:24:50,666
think that they could handle the food
or what did you mean?

523
00:24:50,666 --> 00:24:53,700
Well, because it's pretty ruthless
the way our kids do this.

524
00:24:53,700 --> 00:24:55,733
They've been doing it for years.
So they know. Gotcha.

525
00:24:55,733 --> 00:24:59,566
So you just thought they're going
to be surprised at how the kids are like,

526
00:24:59,566 --> 00:25:00,766
I'm I am going to help you.

527
00:25:00,766 --> 00:25:01,933
I am going to help guide you.

528
00:25:01,933 --> 00:25:04,566
I don't care that you are
that I don't care that you want that

529
00:25:04,566 --> 00:25:06,300
or I'm going to I'm going to bid
you higher.

530
00:25:06,300 --> 00:25:10,400
So you spend your money on something now,

531
00:25:10,466 --> 00:25:12,600
because I know there's better things
coming later.

532
00:25:12,600 --> 00:25:13,433
Yeah. Yeah.

533
00:25:13,433 --> 00:25:16,700
But those kids stepped right in
and gave our kids a run for their money.

534
00:25:16,700 --> 00:25:17,700
Oh, it was good stuff.