Our fabulous
research department came up with a great topic for this week.
Oh, our research department is so good.
She is wonderful.
Yes. So
are we saying the wrong things
to our kids about the divorce?
I we did yell when I read this article.
I was like, Huh?
Now, doesn't mean like we've
destroyed our kids irreversibly destroyed our children.
But I think the point of talking about this is we can do better.
We can help our kids even more.
Like I think we did the best we could, the best we knew how.
I think we did an okay job.
We can always improve,
but if you're going through this, you know somebody's going through this.
I think that some of these things that
I researched are would just can just help your children
get through the divorce a little bit better.
Well, I'm glad you brought up.
It's not just the parents that need to be careful what they say.
It's friends of the family.
Grandma and grandpa, aunts and uncles.
It's anyone you know,
These are dumb things you can say to kids are going through a divorce.
Yes, that makes sense.
Yes, exactly. So.
All right. Should we dive right in?
You want to dive right in?
All right.
Let's let's get right to how we can not traumatize our children as much.
This first one I find very interesting.
It says your dad or your mom, That tiny edition of the word
your creates otherness.
Create creates separation of family or.
Yeah. Part of that other group. Yes.
So yes So Theba so when you say instead of so
obviously when you're married you say, hey, mom is going to pick you up
today, Dad's going to call you later, Dad's waiting to talk to you.
A lot of people, once they get divorced,
it is now this your mom and
the kids
will say instead of the kids saying mom is going to pick me up,
they say, my mom or my dad is going to pick me up.
So we still do this today.
It's been 12, 12 years.
We still do.
I say you think we do.
I say Mel and go talk to your mom about that.
Yeah.
Instead of just saying, Madeline, go talk to Mom about that.
All right?
I Well, isn't that interesting?
We destroyed the seven older kids.
I guess we can fix the last three. Yeah.
Yeah, we'll see.
I don't know.
So, yeah, it just says that divorce
does create changes in the family dynamic, obviously.
But honoring how the child sees the parent can help keep a sense of cohesion.
So it's still your mom, It's still your dad.
But adding this your right.
Hey, what does your mom think about this instead of what does mom think about that?
Because because you got divorced, it didn't.
That is still there, Mom.
And that is still there, Dad.
But you're adding something that you never did before because you got to.
Well, this goes into another strange thing,
and that is what do you call your stepmother?
Right.
We had this problem when we first when we first got married.
Yeah.
Because little tiny David, he was so young.
He was calling you Mom sometimes.
And sometimes he was just for, like, in his mind,
like someone that's loving me and taking care of me is mom.
And so he did say mom for a while, and that can be super
hurtful to the bio parent for sure.
Like, no, I'm mom, you're not.
And but yet it's hard to say to a little kid.
They're not they don't you know,
you don't want to think they're doing something wrong.
So, you know, it's very delicate to go, hey, so don't call me mom.
But it's that's very tricky.
So we came up with funny things.
They called you Storm.
They called you obviously step mom.
So Storm POM pom Paige and Mom?
Yep. POM. Sometimes some of the kids still call me POM.
You have one or two too?
Yeah, most of them just call me Page now.
But when they're little,
like we never told them to call me Mom ever.
It just happened.
And then when that naturally occurred, it's hard to go to them and say,
You need to stop doing that.
But we did correct it and but this all goes into that.
I like how they said this.
Your you're emphasizing the your all that's doing is driving a wedge
even further between the kids in their and their parents.
Yeah.
And when I say parents I mean both sides.
If you're the one always saying your dad or your mom,
you're actually alienating your kid from yourself as well.
Yeah. So anyway, so how to fix that?
Stop saying your just say mom is going to pick you up today
or dad is going to give you a call later today.
Get rid of the your asking me hard.
It's going to be really hard.
Yeah, but I can totally see.
I will try it. Yeah. We'll give it a shot.
Yeah, I can see where that's coming from.
All right, next one. Bus situation.
It wasn't that a guy.
Wasn't that a band in the eighties?
The situation. Yeah.
Or some rapper called The Situation or something.
I don't know.
Well, in this case, it does not mean that guy or gal
or a group, someone's going to someone's going to call me or
send me an email and tell me who the situation was, this situation.
But when you're talking to your friend,
a lot of times you want to obfuscate the conversation.
When you're talking about the divorce or the
the child support arrangements or whatever, anything to do with the new
and the new family dynamics, whatever the case may be.
When you use obfuscated words like the situation,
the kids know what you're talking about.
They do.
And the more you are talking in code right in their mind
and we've talked to our kids about this when they don't have the full picture,
they think usually they're thinking something much worse than it really.
They are very creative.
Yeah, it gets very much worse than what the real situation.
So obviously, if you're talking with your friend,
maybe beforehand you should tell your friend,
I don't want to talk about the divorce and what if my kids are in the room
So just you can do that.
But if it does come up,
you can go ahead and say like, how are things going with the divorce?
And obviously, if the kids are in the room, you know,
you should probably say, you know what, you know, we'll talk about this later.
But yeah, talking in code not good.
And I think it's so funny.
So you haven't really looked at this right, though?
I had to look up what the word was.
How do you say obfuscate?
Yes, I had to look that up.
Oh, and use the computer to say your. Yeah.
You're using that like an everyday term right now.
I had to look it up. So.
Which means that
when you tried to obfuscate, which means like to hide, hide, conceal.
Right, SEAL.
Yes. So yeah, I had to look that word up.
Well, we use it in computers all the time.
That's the only reason I know it.
Well, another thing it said interesting here is, don't there
there's ways to explain the divorce that are not abstract,
something they can understa.
And remember, you're
dealing with children here and maybe even adolescents or teenagers.
Still, they will
they will take on their own perception and they'll be very creative.
So be very simple and direct and use
use the word divorce instead of the situation around the kids.
Otherwise they'll create something new.
Yeah, don't talk in code and you can explain to them
when you're talking about it, you can maybe point out like, Oh,
well, you know, these people who you're, you know and love,
they're divorced, right?
Like, so that they you can point them to
a situation
that is, you know, they don't think is awful.
They're like, oh, wow, I didn't know that they recognized. Yes.
That they recognize.
So it's sad when you're trying to explain divorce,
maybe try and use someone that they already know
and love. So, yeah.
So no talking in code either.
Don't talk about it in front of them or use the correct terms, but be
be careful what you say in front of the children for sure.
Okay.
The next thing that we should not say that we have said, it's not about you.
What in the world does this mean?
It's not about you?
So like, you know, why are you guys getting divorced?
You know, it was something I did. Or was it?
You know, and you say it's not it?
No, no, it's not.
You're not saying that in a mean way or a bad way. It's not about you.
It's a no, no, no, sweetie.
It's not about you, right?
It's about Dad and I.
They're saying this.
I colleges are saying,
don't do that.
It's not specific enough.
You need to be more specific on what caused the divorce
just by saying it's not about you.
It's a grown up issue.
Now, I guess what?
The kids are going to go hog wild, crazy with that one.
Well, it says like it's it's your instinct,
right, to keep your children from thinking they're to blame.
So it's instinctive to say, no, no, it wasn't you.
It says this.
This feels logical, right?
A logical response.
But yes, like you said, it isn't specific enough to cause the.
Well, then what caused it if it wasn't me?
And you're not telling me exactly, then it's causing them anxiety. And.
Well, it's interesting because Dr.
Rubinstein said here, I love this.
He says it's not about you also negates the fact
that the divorce very much involves the kids.
Isn't that interesting?
Very much involves the kids, Yeah. Yes. So,
yeah, it can wind up complicating.
Right.
Your children's feelings and experiences
and maybe what they're willing to share with you. So.
So what do I stay in that?
I mean, you don't want the kid to know it's their fault
if even if it is, it's not the kid's fault.
It actually never is the kid's fault.
It says you can exploit.
Like if you don't want to be specific, if you think maybe they're too young
and not able to handle the actual reasons why you're getting divorced,
you can explain that mom and dad aren't getting along
and they don't feel like they can resolve it.
And you can say that grownups have adult issues that sometimes
cannot be resolved even as hard as they might try.
So something like that. So, yeah.
What do you think about that?
I don't know.
You don't like that?
Well, I kind of do, but then it's almost.
Are you giving your kids permission to just give up when things get hard?
No, no, I don't think so.
Well, because, I mean, you're kind of saying,
well, Mommy, mommy and daddy can't get along.
So well and they don't feel they can resolve it.
So what do you think you should say?
I don't know.
It's not your fault.
That's be You want to go back to that?
I think so. It's just not your fault.
Let's move on. Well, this is a really hard one.
I mean, when you talk about the divorce, our younger kids have no idea.
I don't think I have no idea what why they they are younger kids.
Our younger kids were so young when we got divorced
that they probably had no concept of what was really going on.
Our older kids understand what happened with the divorce, but are younger kids.
I don't think it even clues into them now.
Yeah, this is just been their life.
It's been their life.
So are separate.
So maybe this is for the kids that
went through the divorce that remember going through that that time.
Yeah.
Yeah. Okay.
So it's a that's a tough one.
That is a tough one.
It's a really tough one.
And maybe it just per different kids.
You say different things to write different personalities.
You feel like you can say different things too.
So I would add to that
make sure that you're not throwing your ex under the bus
when you talk to the kids about the divorce.
Absolutely not.
That is the wrong thing to do.
All that will actually really do is alienate you with your own children.
Yeah.
Now, if they're old enough, you can share some facts with them,
but make sure it's facts and not
your opinion or how you're
feeling or right or your emotions.
So if you want to share some facts, you can if they're old enough.
But be careful.
Yeah. Be careful to be careful. So, yeah, it's tough on.
All right.
This next one, I think is is really horrible.
And I'm glad that they said don't say this once again.
I think people say this because they're they're trying to soften the blow.
They're trying to soften the blow.
So this phrase that they say to stop saying is this is a good thing.
So I think some people say that because they're like, you know what,
Mommy and daddy haven't been happy for a long time
and our family hasn't been happy.
And so this is a good thing.
It is not a good thing.
Maybe in the long term it would be, right? Yes.
And some like maybe if there was abuse, of course, it's going to be a better thing.
Right. We're not talking about those situations.
But but in that from the child's perspective
and I thought this was very interesting and I truly believe believe this myself,
anyone going through a divorce,
it is a heart wrenching, horrible thing to go through.
Yeah, it is.
And even if you're leaving because there's abuse,
you're getting divorced because there's abuse, that
that's a bad thing that you had that you had to go through that.
Right.
So from the child's perspective,
in the short term, this this is devastating for them.
So for you to come and say, oh, it's a good thing you're actually negating
their feeling of pain that they're having and you're sweeping it under the rug.
Yes. Right.
When they're like, oh, my gosh, this is awful.
Oh, no, honey, it's a good thing.
Once again, I know people are saying that with the good intentions,
but it is sweeping the pain under the rug, like you're
not allowed to have your feelings, You're not allowed to be sad.
You're not allowed to come and talk to me.
Because when you come and talk to me to share, I'm just going to say
it's a good thing.
And mom and dad don't want to hear what I have to say about this right now.
One thing that one thing that the article said, they said
almost every child wants their parents to be together under one roof. Yep.
And that's even with even if one parent is addicted to drugs,
has anger issues, is abusive,
they have found that most children still believe in a fairy tale ending,
that somehow things are going to work out and get better.
Don't you think that's fascinating?
It is.
Don't you remember when we got married even a year or two after
we got married, Madeline wanted us all.
She would be like, Oh, can we just live next door to each other and can't we?
Like, she wanted to.
She wanted us to make one big house and have us all live together
because she hated choosing.
She hated, you know, going back and forth.
She didn't like choosing this parent for this and that parent for that.
And she, you know, such a cute little thing.
She was just like, can't we just all live together and be happy like it was?
Okay, so what do you tell your kids?
What do you tell a kid?
You said, oh, this is a good thing.
You say, don't say that.
You say this is really, really hard on everyone, this situation.
No, no, not the situation.
Does the divorce See, obviously, we did not followed these rules at all.
But the divorce, It's
okay to say that the divorce is really, really hard on everyone in our family.
And Yeah, and we've we've made
these very grown up choices to divorce as a last resort.
As a last resort, because we want to try and
make our homes right as happy as possible.
So without fighting or discord in the house.
And I actually like how they phrased that.
Yeah. Yeah.
So this was our decision was a last resort.
We know it's super hard.
Please come to me and talk to me whenever you need to.
I'm here for you.
Share your feelings and we can talk about how hard it is
right.
And softening blow. Yes. Don't worry.
This is, as you're saying, is is a good thing.
You'll get double everything you can throw.
Actually, you can.
You can be like, this isn't about you and it's also a good thing.
And you're going to get double everything.
You can throw all of them in at the same time.
That's what people do, all the wrong things.
And once that well, I've even I've even
I was at a conference this last week and we were talking
and I said, Yeah, we've gone through a divorce
and we have a podcast about it, the whole thing, and go,
Oh, but your kids get double everything. That even came up.
And I was like, Yeah, they actually do.
And people say that all the time.
And we joke with the kids sometimes when because the kids,
if they are with us Christmas morning and then they have to go to their moms,
they're like, Oh, like we're already exhausted.
We have to do it all over again.
And when they come to our house on the years
that we're the second house they're going to, they're like,
We're already tired, like, And we're like, Oh, poor you.
You have done everything.
Yeah, you have to have another Christmas.
But it, it and we actually talked about the kids.
We talked this through Christmas this year, what with the
with the kids and said, you know, I can see how that would be really, you know.
Yeah. Everyone's like, oh, poor you.
It's not
you think it's going to be this great thing,
but Christmas, you have Christmas morning is and open your presents
and you got up early and then you have breakfast and guess what?
Now you get to go to another house and do it all over again.
And you have to be just as excited and just as happy.
And, you know, it's just like Groundhog Day, right?
You got to do it. Do it over again.
And well, one thing they said, when you say things like this,
you're minimizing the pain that they're going through at that time.
Yeah. And their feelings and their feelings.
So even even this last Christmas when the kids were like,
yeah, we're kind of tired.
Well, maybe we should change, you said, Well, you know, stop your complaining.
You get double of everything.
We just negated their feelings again now.
And it's been, you know, 12 years.
So this can happen to families like us that have been blended for a long time,
that have gone through divorce for a long time.
You can still make these mistakes.
Yeah, of course. Of course. So
kids,
most kids would rather have two parents in their house.
Right.
Have your family intact than to get double everything right.
Like, it's not like kids are like, Oh, yay. I get double everything.
It's they'd rather have their two parents, so just be aware of that.
So instead of saying you'll get double everything,
you can emphasize that they're going to get more quality time with each parent.
Once again, not sugarcoating everything, like, Oh, you know,
but you're going to have so much time with your dad now, don't sugarcoat it.
But you can definitely emphasize,
right, that you're going to get
you know, there are going to be some
some new things that they could do, like, oh, you get to spend
more one on one time with your mom or one on one time with your dad.
Right.
You get to have decorate a new room.
Yeah,
it you know, maybe they're sharing a room with someone.
Look, you get you get to, you know, have a playtime all the time.
You know, that's a good way to put it for the young kids.
They love that. Yes.
For the young kids.
Yeah. Teenagers. Not so. No, no.
But it said to make sure you get their feedback when you are like, okay,
we're moving to a new house.
We're going to do your room.
Don't just do their room without their without their opinion,
like they are in control of not much of their life.
They have little control over all this stuff happening.
Let them have some control over something, something and let them.
Like I. I draw certain lines, right?
Like you get to you get to veto things, but hey, let's work on this.
What are you thinking? What colors do you like? What do you like?
Talk to them about what they want their room to be.
And and if there's something that you really don't want,
then come to a compromise. But get their feedback.
Get their feedback. Love it.
Okay, Last one.
The biggest lie of all that we tell kids of divorce, not much will change.
I don't think I ever said this because I.
I don't I don't understand why I've heard people say yes,
but I don't think I've ever said that Not much will change.
Everything's changed.
Your entire life literally just went upside down.
So, yes, that is a lie.
You're now lying to your children.
Well, we can do that, though.
Sometimes we do to try to change that, Right.
We think we're protecting.
But in essence and I think this whole article really emphasizes
you are minimal, losing your children's feelings
and you're ignoring the fact that if you don't fill in the gaps,
they will with something probably far worse than what the situation really is.
Right.
And this is this not much will change.
This actually is a lie.
And if you're a child, which your children can definitely like,
they know that's a lie.
If you say, oh, not much is going to change.
And so it says if your children know that you're lying, which you are,
they are less likely to believe you and trust you in the future.
Right?
Like so try not to say things that are literally a blatant lie.
That is a blatant lie
that has some blatant lie.
Not much will change.
Yes, it will.
Well, and what you what you do need to say to them is,
yes, there will be change, but sometimes changes could. Hmm.
There may be more people involved in your life now, which would be good.
So you try and emphasize the good things about the change
and recognize the hard things too, that are going to change.
Yeah. Yeah.
There might be some.
Yeah, maybe there's going to be some new fun traditions, right?
That you get to start in, you know, the different household.
But then yeah, also say like, yeah, I'm going to be really sad that, you know,
we don't share this with you anymore, but just be honest, be real.
But kids are resilient.
I don't want you to think you've destroyed your children.
Kids are resilient, but you have you have not stopped.
You've not know, you've it's hard.
You have to recognize that what you're going through is very,
very difficult, not just for you, but for your children as well.
And guess what?
They need to they need to know that you understand that
it's difficult without you sugarcoating everything all the time.
Yeah, but don't get them in the I mean, you need to point out the positive
that you can write, but also don't
brush under a broad
sweep under the rug.
That's the word. There you go.
Sweep under the rug what they're going through.
Okay, Eliminate Mommy.
The week is we're only down to three kids and our traditional
Valentine Valentine's Day auction dinner was a little scarce with just three kids.
Not nearly as much fun.
Yeah, so to take our lemons and make lemonade, we.
Well, we've actually for years now, we've been inviting our friends
down the street, but only one of their kids could come.
So that still only left four kids.
So we invited a couple of other neighbor kids
to come partake of our Valentine's Day auction.
And it was awesome because these other kids, I wasn't
I wasn't quite sure they could handle the food auction.
Oh, no, they handled it well.
And I was surprised they were out there bidding against what we thought
was going to be the sushi rolls, which we knew Madeleine wanted really bad.
She got outbid and I was shocked.
I was like, Whoa, what do you mean when you say you didn't
think that they could handle the food or what did you mean?
Well, because it's pretty ruthless the way our kids do this.
They've been doing it for years. So they know. Gotcha.
So you just thought they're going to be surprised at how the kids are like,
I'm I am going to help you.
I am going to help guide you.
I don't care that you are that I don't care that you want that
or I'm going to I'm going to bid you higher.
So you spend your money on something now,
because I know there's better things coming later.
Yeah. Yeah.
But those kids stepped right in and gave our kids a run for their money.
Oh, it was good stuff.