well
hello all you beautiful people
you know what time it is
[Music]
ladies and gents
guys and dolls and everyone in between
gather round
get you something real nice to sip on
and comfy to slip on
because it's time
for smut club
here's your hosts chelsea and hannah
[Music]
[Laughter]
good evening or morning or whenever you
happen to be listening to this and
welcome to smug club i'm hannah and i'm
chelsea
and let's do this so today we decided to
do we're just jumping we're like
no frills we're like we are doing this
[ __ ] [ __ ] today doing this because
honestly
chelsea told me to read this book okay
and it happens to be a seven book series
and thank god i'm so excited for this
whole journey
genuinely it is one of those seven not
including prequels none other including
prequels and other books within the same
universe sure is it really whatever it's
all in maine it's terrible it is one of
the
worst one of the worst things i have
ever experienced and i loved every
minute of it yeah like it was a train
wreck that you couldn't look away and
you're like
this is truly atrocious and i am turning
the pages of this book like
like someone is paying me to do it i
need to know what happens even though
the whole time you're reading it like
i highlighted some quotes that i'll have
to find
yes do it they were really atrocious
terrible all right so the book is called
no ordinary billionaire by j.s scott and
just so y'all are aware js her first
name is is jan
and
if you are in a safe place and not
driving or something please look up a
photo of jan
immediately okay but do you think
that that's an actual photo of j.s scott
or do you think like someone's like yeah
like i go by jay scott my name's jan but
it's really like
a 40 year old dude writing bad erotica
or do you actually think it's an older
woman writing bad erotica it's still bad
erotica either way bad smut
so i almost just said something really
terrible along the lines of like given
the photo it could go either way
yeah you're not
like honestly i think when i first read
like oh j.s scott she goes by jan and
then when i looked at the photo i was
like is she real like i didn't doubt it
until i looked at the photo and then it
almost felt like a little like murder
she wrote yes like she is attempting a
smolder in the photo
she is attempting a full smolder to the
point where i didn't even realize it
because i got to the end of i think the
second book and was so
just flabbergasted by what i saw in the
about the author that i took a
screenshot and texted it to chelsea and
said this is our dear friend jan and
like
yeah so anyway no ordinary billionaire
um
so no ordinary billionaire what's it
about that's what we're here for uh-huh
and they're spoilers they will all say
that at the beginning of the last one
they're spoilers just expect them always
i don't know what you're doing listening
to us if you aren't expecting spoilers
you should probably adjust your
expectations
um or just read the book before you
listen to the podcast yes
so no ordinary billionaire
is about
a billionaire
who he grew up with money he grew up in
a billionaire family with an alcoholic
abusive father
and so he's like i don't need my money
i'm just gonna move to l.a and be
a detective a homicide detective
homicide and he has four siblings three
brothers and a sister
yes
and so
as a homicide detective the book opens
where dante the homicide detective the
billionaire homicide detective has been
shot
a lot like several times several times
and his partner is dead
no yep patrick
patrick yes man i got that right patrick
was shot in the head
and dante was shot several times trying
to protect him and then he
was eventually able to kill the
perpetrator who was in fact a serial
killer
yes yeah so dante feels a lot of guilt
yes over the survivor skill they're very
specific about the kind of guilt he was
feeling and it was survivor's guilt are
you sure they didn't mention it enough
times in the book
maybe i should go back and reread it and
make sure it was survivor's guilt let me
double check so dante
his siblings there's a city in maine and
they own a peninsula
and once they're billionaires because
they're billionaires and that's what
they do they own a whole peninsula so
his one of his brothers that you'll meet
in this book but has another book
dedicated to his love journey um he
decides that
he's not going to like tell all of his
siblings that he's building these houses
because he wants them all to live there
but he like builds a house for each of
his
five siblings or four siblings
on this peninsula yep so that they're
all like millionaire sibling neighbors
on a peninsula that they all own so they
have a sort of compound and all the
houses have guest houses which isn't
relevant currently but will be
eventually yes so maybe not even in this
episode you'll have to keep checking in
my future episodes stay tuned y'all
because it just continues to be terrible
so
dante injured in the line of duty has to
move to maine to his mansion
in on this family peninsula to
recuperate and recover
and there's and he's like 30 or 31 years
old and there's a hot young doctor in
town named sarah so this is
just honestly
my favorite so she so this this woman is
27 years old all right and she is like
mensa level genius like she's [ __ ]
brilliant and
finished college at like 12
right and then like went to med school
and then she was an internist at
at a major chicago hospital for a little
while and for some reason which is
alluded to to being somewhat traumatic
in the beginning of the book she decides
to move to this small town in maine
because she doesn't want to be in
chicago anymore right
yes and she
also like and this is no knock on the
homeschooled community sure she does
have a homeschool energy about her like
like the whole thing is like she's very
sheltered she doesn't have a lot of
experience she's like very naive because
she spent her entire her entire life
learning her father is deceased and her
mother is an academic who's just like
you need to find someone to marry who's
your same iq level so you can procreate
and contribute to the scientific
community with your genius children yes
yes
so she is making a house call for dante
so he he's coming to
whatever the [ __ ] ames
yeah
it's a place in maine so
so he has gone there to recuperate
with his uh
one of his brothers who lives
permanently on the peninsula and his
other brothers are coming to like take
care of him whatever like he's realizing
he's had a distant relationship with his
siblings and like they've never been
that close and he's like oh but they all
like showed up when i needed them when i
when i like got shot yeah i guess that's
like a nice thing to do and i'm like
yeah no [ __ ] when you get shot the
people who love you and care about you
show up and help make sure you're okay
i didn't think that was revolutionary
apparently it was
and so
dante should talk to someone about that
yeah
not me
no i'm also not taking new clients for
the record so
sarah the hot mensa level genius doctor
shows up to dante's mansion
making a house call and she knocks and
nobody answers and then she is like oh
my god what if he's like hurt in there
like what if he's passed out or
something and so she tries the door and
it's unlocked and she starts yelling for
him and nobody answers and then she
finds him in the basement like working
out that's where his home gem is right
in the home gym obviously so he has
several cracked ribs and a couple of
bullet wounds he was wearing a vest
hence the cracked ribs so
she finds him like lifting weights and
she's like what the [ __ ] are you doing
like what are you thinking she doesn't
say [ __ ] because she's very professional
but she's like what are you doing you
need to stop that and he's like i don't
need a babysitter and she's like i'm
here to take care of you and he's like
the only way you can take care of me is
to turn around and bend over
and
she just ignores that like that's not
even i'm not even exaggerating or making
a joke like that's literally the words
that come out of this man's mouth
or that were written by jan
[ __ ] jan god damn it jan honestly i
like i text tana while reading this one
and i was like
i was trying to highlight a few just
like hilarious passages to me but then i
was like oh no i need more context
because this is all so funny and then i
was like oh if i keep highlighting it's
just going to be the entire chapter
and i was like i'm just going to
highlight the whole book because it's
all so comical to me also i would like
to know this book is like pretty well
reviewed yeah like 3.9 stars with like
tens of thousands of reviews yeah hold
on let me pull it up yes it's a lot so
while hannah's looking up what the
actual rating is so this this exchange
goes down and then
sarah is like i'm just here to take care
of you just take your pills and is like
trying to like debate him
and dante this is now in the kitchen
they're no longer in the gym and she
like pours a glass of water and has his
pills are there and then she's like take
them and he gets pissed and he
swipes like the glass off the table and
it shatters on the ground and sarah is
barefoot in his house yeah so it had
been raining so she took her shoes off
when she went into the house
to not
whatever jan clearly set it up so that
sarah would cut her feet yes
so yes and however she got there sarah's
barefoot dante swipes a glass off the
table in anger the glass shatters and
sarah just like
walks on it accidentally i'm like i'm
still a little confused but then like
her feet
are very bloody and so then she's like
i'm fine and all it's i don't have to we
don't have to work together and it's
like whatever i don't she's like you
will not take me to the hospital i'm
your physician
and then
she limps home on bloody feet
um and dante feels real bad p.s
3.91 stars 19 200
nice round number
ratings on the goodreads
so like
really well reviewed all these yeah
um so yes
sarah has janky ass feet now because
they are cut up uh-huh and she's like
i'm a physician i can handle this myself
and it's all superficial so it's fine
and i'm just gonna bandage them and it's
fine and dante feels real bad so he
calls his brother who lives on the
peninsula grady
grady's married to emily they have
another book it's the prequel i haven't
read it yet um
he calls dante and his letter dante
calls grady and is like hey
what's i need to like make this up to
sarah and so he shows up at her house
with lobster rolls and then discovers
lobster rolls
are fantastic and eats several of the
lobster rolls
so he showed up with six of them and she
was like please have some and he was
like no they're for you and she's like
you are a dumbass i can't eat six
lobster rolls like i am not a sumo
wrestler like she doesn't say that but
that's what i imagine
she said she could eat several she's
like they're so good i could eat all of
them
i don't she might have said it yeah
because honestly it
i could have misinterpreted there's a
high chance i did i had a decent amount
of wine before i drank this book
so
um
yes
also had a decent amount of wine now
thank you
bota box
we drink a decent amount of butter box
and we're not technically sponsored by
bota box but it'd be a lot cooler for if
we were yeah so i was drinking butter
box then i'm drinking box now
um i don't fully remember where we were
at other than
dante he brought the lobster rolls oh no
because i was legitimately thinking
because i however i think i may have
misread it because i remember thinking
she was like i could eat all of these
because they're so good then i was like
where's she gonna put all that food and
like can i was like how big is a lobster
roll and then i spent a lot of time
thinking about the size of lobster rolls
not focusing on the book but there
wasn't a lot to focus on at this point
so i didn't feel like i was losing sleep
you know to be totally fair there's not
a lot of folk a lot to focus on
throughout well so like just kind of
speeding up maybe there's too much to
focus right well all right so then dante
makes out with her it's like i'm really
into her yeah and like makes out with
her and she's like i'm your physician we
can't what about my ethics um yeah and
so then she decides she's like gonna
refer him out to another doctor in town
and then he's just kind of like
automatically assumes like cool we're
together
she's mine right
and mine is a big word
he says mine a lot like it's like always
italicized like what is that finding
nemo like the the seagulls on finding me
nemo like he's just like mine fine fine
it does yeah that's a great yes it does
feel that way because i'm like cool we
get it you're possessive right and it's
super cute and we love that but i was
like we like don't
we don't we don't
well i'm just like there are scenes
where he's like and she was wearing a
pair of shorts that went almost to her
needs that that would have looked so bad
on someone else but on her they were so
sexy and i'm like right i have never in
my life seen a pair of bermuda shorts
i've gotten hot and i think like that i
was like no there's this is an
attraction listen
as a bisexual woman no
no
we don't do that
as a bisexual woman you also aren't into
bermuda stream
i don't know i can't speak for lesbians
i mean i could call my sister in check
but i feel pretty confident that just
generally bermuda shorts are a no
you know
like i feel like bermuda shorts or what
i wore
on my middle school youtube yes yes
mission trip yes because they had to go
past the tips of my middle fingers yes
yes
thank you oh the we we can talk about
purity culture and a whole i'm sure
there's a book about it that we can read
at some point religious trauma is for
later
and there's definitely plenty
so
dante and sarah he decides
he's into her she's like we can't
because i'm your doctor and i have
ethics and then she decides she's gonna
refer him out but like doesn't really
tell him she's gonna refer him out um
but then he requests a different doctor
anyway before she can refer him out yeah
yeah that's fair yeah
so also we forgot to mention that she's
like a music prodigy
oh yes and so the youth center which is
really just a community center because
there's also elderly people bingo that
happens but i'm like that's not youth
it's the elderly it is for the old and
so
they
the youth center is this like really
bougie
community place because grady dante's
billionaire brother had donated a lot of
money in the prequel
and like revived it and so they're like
it's not like a normal youth center
there's like a ballroom and i'm like
i know a major grand piano like a
beautiful expensive grand piano they're
like here's a bunch of really nice
instruments for people who might want to
learn them at some point right so sarah
teaches piano to children but she also
plays for the olds before the bingo yes
pretty bingo they like they show up like
a half hour early and she does like a
little piano concert for them and that's
when the bermuda shorts happen so dante
shows up to like watch her play and he's
like i will [ __ ] her on that piano bench
as long as she's wearing those shorts
i've never been harder in my life i will
work around the shorts
i don't i don't think he was trying to
work around the shorts i was trying i
think he was really trying to fit them
into it
he's like how do i make these work for
me they're all part of this
so
i don't fully remember everything that
happens hannah's better at the details
i'm better at the general storyline um
so like dante and sarah are hanging out
and you're like cool what's really
happening you guys aren't really a thing
yet you've like made out once like we're
still in that territory and then they
he's like he takes sarah home and they
get to sarah's house
and sarah's house has been destroyed
just absolutely trash what did the wall
say like die [ __ ] die [ __ ] yeah yeah
like all of her clothing has been cut up
everything she owns has been completely
destroyed all her furniture like
everything's ruined and luckily we
forgot to mention coco the dog luckily
she had coco with her
when this transpired so coco was safe
don't panic
i know you didn't know about coco till
just now but don't worry no animals were
harmed in the making of j.s scott's no
ordinary billionaire which i appreciate
because i would have stopped reading you
know that's valid if something happened
to the dog i'd be like this is like
[ __ ] up [ __ ] knife handle in the ass
all right
but damage to an animal cruelty i'm not
i'm out i'm out like if you want to
stick a knife up your ass you live your
life but you do not harm an animal in
the making oh my gosh
i also
hope someone listens to this episode at
some point not knowing that we reviewed
dinner vipers so they have no context
when we're talking about a knife up yes
if you haven't
listen to that just just pause now and
go back and listen to episode one where
we talk about den of vipers and all of
this will make more sense thank you
sorry if
the ass knives have traumatized you
so
so sarah's house is destroyed and
dante's like you're staying with me so
he then
is oh but also you find out like you get
a little bit of detail of why her house
is destroyed because that is pertinent
yeah yeah so the cops show up and the
local cops are like sarah this might be
connected to what happened to you in
chicago and dante's like the [ __ ] what
happened to you what happened
i'm a homicide detective
she's like mind your own business and
he's like you're staying with me so he
takes her home
to his home on the peninsula that he
owns
on the sibling peninsula on the sibling
peninsula
and so then
so
he then like calls in some favors i
guess he does something shady to get all
the details of what happened to her in
chicago
and then
she winds up coming to him on her own
and telling him
that she had a patient
that was hit by a drunk driver he and
his mom
the mom died the son lived but was very
injured and she really liked the sun and
was helping him but then the sun coded
suddenly and kind of unexpectedly while
she was in the room with him and his dad
was there and they were not able to
revive him so the son died and then
apparently the dad was real upset
understandable but he decided to kill
her
not understandable and
thank you for that caveat you're like
totally understand why he was upset did
he try to kill her don't understand
like maybe
there's a line so
he tries to stab her to death in the
stairwell at the hospital because she
likes to walk everywhere she does she
enjoys the walking
she does which dante does not like
because she's like i'm just gonna walk
around town i'm gonna walk home from the
youth center and he's like you can't
walk home from the youth center it's not
safe get in my car yeah
well like just like a little
unnecessarily like territorial and
aggressive throughout the whole thing
that you're like we get it
you
feel inadequate and like to whip your
dick around it's fine
at least that was my interpretation yeah
well and it's all packaged it's very
protective but it's like this is
like really it's just controlling and
weird yeah it feels like you don't have
great boundaries or a great
understanding of what a healthy
relationship looks like and so instead
you think this is normal
right and instead of being normal you're
just like super possessive and dominant
and just like perpetually shouting like
mine
right right and so so she she tells him
all of this right and he's like i'm
gonna kill the bastard because the guy
got away
and she lived because she was in the
hospital a luckily yes she was like if i
hadn't have been in the hospital when he
cut this i would have died she was
stabbed 20 times 20 times 20 well you
find out later it was with a pocket
knife right but regardless like i
i
have worked with a lot of people right
and one of the people i've worked with
was shot five times and like he by the
cops and he very nearly died like real
close and like i also know somebody that
was stabbed like six or seven times and
she like came real close to dying and so
it's like 20 times dude like were you
not trying
honestly that was my exact cause like
later they're like it was a small knife
it would have been worse it would have
been more lethal but i'm like 20 you're
just not good at killing someone well
and also it's like she he wasn't
stabbing her in like the thighs and the
arms or the back or something he was
stabbing her in the torso like
there's some vital stuff in there
well and you you see the scars
very soon actually that's a whole thing
that we'll get to momentarily but i i
did have that thought where i'm like so
20 stab wounds
is a lot like the chances of being like
i was stabbed 20 times and miraculously
all vital organs were missed
um just doesn't feel
realistic or true to myself because
that's what we're worried about with
this whole situation is that it's
realistic no ordinary billionaire the
homicide the la homicide detective
billionaire being realistic and we'll
get to why that's even less realistic
that the son of a [ __ ] stabbed her 20
times and didn't hit anything vital so
anyway so she comes downstairs and she's
like i can't sleep and he's like well
you should be resting or you've had a
tough day and she's like he's like i
want to [ __ ] you but i'm not gonna do it
now because you're all upset and she's
like and like i just when you say that
that is almost verbatim like he's like
very aggressively sexual and she's like
yeah i'm a little tired and he's like i
want to stuff my [ __ ] and your wet [ __ ]
and you're like hey
i didn't
we're like she's like i'm a little
peckish like i could go for a snack and
he's like
i will snack on your house yeah and
you're like i don't i just really wanted
some cheese like i will devour your hot
[ __ ] and it's like okay
yeah you're like i really
it didn't need to go that hard right but
he he's like i guess this is j scott's
version of him being like chivalrous or
something where she's like i'm he he
says like i'm not gonna [ __ ] you because
you've had a hard day and you're
emotional so and she's like you won't
like what you see when i'm naked anyway
and so she takes off the shirt that
she's wearing and his shirt his shirt
right because all of her clothing has
been destroyed abs so she takes off his
shirt that she was sleeping in and like
shows him all her stab wounds and he is
like
cover yourself because he can't handle
it because he's about to like jump her
bones but she thinks that he's like ew
gross cover it up
so she runs out and then he's like oh
[ __ ] that's not what i meant so yeah it
goes upstairs and they [ __ ]
oh no we're gonna break that down a
little bit more so
yes everything that you just said very
much happened technically true
where like
also i kind of wish that like they had
written the scene where she took the
shirt off from her perspective and then
when she ran out zenith switched to his
perspective right because reading it
even from his perspective i was like oh
i already know where this is going he
thinks he's being chivalrous but he
doesn't say anything outside of like
cover yourself because in his head he's
like i don't want to take advantage of
her she's vulnerable right now so he's
like cover yourself you need to go rest
and sleep and she's like oh like you i
knew like i told you like you wouldn't
like what you saw anyway and like runs
out and it's like distraught that like
this dude that she's super into
doesn't find her sexually attractive
when really he does and so it's like
i i do wish that that part like reading
it from his perspective i was like i see
exactly how this is going to play out
but i almost wish like i could have
experienced
the initial half from her perspective
because like i feel like that was more
pertinent yeah
but yeah so then she like runs out and
she's like i know you like wouldn't like
what i what you saw anyway and like you
like wouldn't think my body was
beautiful because i have 20 stab wounds
in my gut
and
so then
he's like [ __ ] being chivalrous i want
her to know i'm gonna conquer her [ __ ]
is eventually like it's kind of a
general tone so he goes into her bedroom
mind you he's still recovering from some
stab wounds throws like a concussion or
something like he's injured like broken
ribs yes yeah shot so he throws her over
his shoulder which he has no business
carrying a grown-ass woman because as we
said he's injured and takes her to his
room
and then
handcuffs her oh yeah i forgot about the
handcuffs yes like their first sexual
encounter also also worth noting sarah's
only sexual experience was with a fellow
medical student they had sex one time it
was not life-changing as no one is
surprised by um it was not good it was
not life-changing he dumped her the next
day and she's like i don't get all the
hype about sex or whatever i'm just uh
smartly about procreating the species
procreating because i'm a genius and i
need to like pass that along to other
people
right the world needs my genetics yes so
like this is really for all intents and
purposes
her
sexual awakening yeah i might be getting
into this a little too much but i'm like
no you're right it is because she
has had one sexual experience ever
is then like i'm gonna take this shirt
off show this man my naked body feel
rejected by him right and he throws her
over his shoulder and then handcuffs her
right and then is like you're arrested
and she's like what am i arrested for
and he's like fleeing the scene of the
crime and she's like what's the crime i
don't i honestly don't fully remember
this and he was something about like
giving him a hard-on or something i
don't know
it was like fleeing the scene of the
crime and causing arousal something that
you're like what the [ __ ] is happening
uh-huh
so
then he
changes the handcuffs where he then
handcuffs her to the bed frame yeah and
i would just like to note this is her
second sexual experience ever ever in
life and this feels a little much like
read the room dante
this feels aggressive uh-huh and so then
he
goes down on her changes her world rocks
her world whatever happens right well
and then she like
she's like
the handcuffs are hurting me because she
knew that he would take her out of them
if he thought they were hurting her so
that she could touch him yeah she was
like i really want to touch him but i
know i'm handcuffed so i'm just gonna
lie and tell him that they're hurting me
so then he'll feel bad that he hurt me
and then i can take the handcuffs off
and touch him and you're like
what could you have just told him i
wanted to touch him yeah so then they
[ __ ]
plot twist
then they [ __ ]
yes
and so
then like
she's now told him the whole story about
what happened in chicago
she also has panic attacks anytime she
gets anywhere near a hospital but that's
her only
i
this did stand out to me that's the only
side effect from almost being murdered
that's her only trauma response only
trauma yeah from she's like i get panic
attacks when i think about going inside
a hospital i'm like that's all
that's the only
20 stab wounds 20 stab wounds and you're
like i just can't go in hospitals
anymore i'm like i think maybe we need
to process this a little bit more right
so then he
like dante decides he's going to be her
protector like he appoints himself the
protector so he doesn't want her to go
outside
because the madman who destroyed your
house is probably still on the loose so
like you can't go anywhere without me
don't worry about the madman that is
holding you hostage essentially
don't worry about this is it yeah and
cuffing you to the back
man who handcuffed you to a bed
worry about the madman who
gave you panic attacks for hospitals
to be fair
so dante is like you can't go anywhere
without me you have to stay in the house
he doesn't want her teaching her piano
lessons or playing for the old people at
the bingo
and
whatever
so eventually oh oh oh and also so he
starts learning more and more about her
like that she never learned how to ride
a bike
so then yeah so you start to learn all
these things where like because of the
academic educational upbringing that she
had that was so like focused on her
being a genius she never really had a
true childhood right so dante then takes
it upon himself to give her this
childhood so he like teaches her to ride
a bike he buys her a doll
it he does all these stuff did the doll
part make you feel weird as well yeah
that's just me yeah i'm like you're
buying a grown-ass woman a doll and
she's a little too into this doll she
was very into the doll it was a
victorian like replica situation good
news guys if you're into dolls the
second book in this series is about the
girl who ran the doll shop who hand
makes the dolls so
all that's going on and she's like you
can't keep me inside forever you're
gonna have to go back to la eventually
like you can't keep doing this blah blah
blah blah so she eventually talks him
into
letting her teaching the teach the
lessons again right yes like he's he's
starting to be like okay like you can
like go on your house calls for work and
like i'll go with you and so he's like
starting to be like okay like we can go
back into the world a little bit but
like
the working theory has been that the
dude who wants to kill her
is still in town right right but she's
also like i gotta like do something and
move on with my life so she also we left
out so all her clothes were destroyed
and
grady's wife so the brother
mil the billionaire brother's wife we
love alliteration billionaire brothers
bride
[Laughter]
nailed it
um he
so she
buys sarah like a whole new wardrobe
with dante's money and sarah's super
uncomfortable and
so emily is the wife's name so emily and
this chick named randy who's another
random friend her name is miranda she
goes by randy
in town they are around this whole time
like talking to sarah and telling her
like we think dante's in love with you
and she's like what
no
no he just let you spend like
thousands of dollars on a new wardrobe
for me and he like buys me all these
things and like
had he
he didn't buy her a new car
no that's the second that's the second
book
that's another brother get stoked for
that review in the future
um
shout out for the forbidden billionaire
so
then
um so the the girls are around they're
supporting and that's relevant because
they're supporting her
like pursuing dante
she goes back to the the youth center
she's playing the piano dante has
checked the whole building to make sure
that it's safe
and then somehow
this man yes after the concert has ended
the old people are starting to clear out
they're starting to go to the bingo room
and leaving the music room and dante and
the police chief have checked the youth
center yes to make sure that it is safe
and everything is okay yes
and then
somehow
the
dude whose last name i don't remember um
really mad dad
shows up so if i can't do alliteration
i'm gonna do rhyming so the really mad
dad
somehow shows up and puts a gun to
sarah's head
and he keeps
emily
the the sister-in-law and randy the
other friend
in the room and kicks everybody else out
including dante
and unlocks the door and locks the door
which i'm also like
how like logistically i have some
questions about this i'm like cool so
he's holding a gun to sarah's head
and everyone including dante just clears
out of the room except emily and randy
well like he i guess said something
about them having to stay
yeah it wasn't it wasn't clear no there
was a lot of clearing around dane yes
jan
can you rewrite this scene and come back
to us
jan please email me
like
i don't know maybe we'll have a website
someday and you can email me about what
the [ __ ] was supposed to be happening in
this scene because i have a lot of
questions
so regardless of how it happened
emily randy and sarah are in the room
with the guy with the gun
more alliteration and then
sorry and then
sarah because she's a mental level
genius is wanting to protect the other
two women so she's like trying to figure
out how to get them out and he's talking
about how he wanted to quote use her
which i guess was like a euphemism for
rape her
and so she's like well you're not gonna
be able to rape me if these other two
[ __ ] are here so you should let them
go i guess
but also before he can she convinces him
to let them go
um we find out why he actually wanted to
kill her and it's not because he's upset
about the death of his son and his wife
it's because y'all you weren't ready for
this
he's
a
a serial killer the windy city carver
the windy city carver that is infamous
and everyone knows about the serial
killer who's never been caught and so
he's upset because his wife and son died
and that meant that he lost his cover
for being a serial killer and even
dante's like even i've heard of the
windy city carver out in l.a
and so you're like oh so plot twist it's
honestly like i don't feel like i needed
him to be the windy city carver he could
have just wanted to kill sarah because
his son had died and that would have
been enough anger for me it was not at
all necessary well and i'd also just
like to bring up a quote please do um
please so
dante then is like how did he get in and
then he like goes outside and sees a
window to like a room that like is
supposed to be a windowless room that
was covered and that's how he like broke
the window and got in and he's like i
was listening on the other side of the
wall and was like trying to figure out
how to make my move
i was gonna bring this up it's
horrifying
and then he was like i decided he like
decided to make his move once he heard
the dude talk about cutting off her
nipples yeah and yeah yeah i
just really love the line i'll take your
nipples for a reminder of how much i
enjoyed slicing you up john john told
her now sounding crazed then he sounds
crazy
also y'all that's a direct quote from
the book and i'm like i have some
questions about his trophy case because
like aren't like just like pepperonis
i'm getting like an ed geen vibe like
was it a nipple belt
you know oh because ed gein did make a
nipple belt was is it like a like like a
sort of uh edging situation on a lamp
uh
are you doing like are you cutting the
nipple in half so they're half circles
for an additional trim detail face
scallop a scallop scalloped edge yeah a
scalloped edge made of nipples
yeah so i don't know that line really
stood out to me when he said i'll take
your nipples for a reminder of how much
i enjoyed slicing you up and i'm like
that scalloped edge on my lamp is what i
look at whatever i want to remember that
i enjoyed slicing you up
and that's what honestly pushed dante
over the edge so he busts in
right
and goes for
also please no this is 75 of the way
through the book right it's like so we
should be at 85
you know like we should be at 85. so
dante basin saved the day in the process
of saving her he falls and strikes his
head on the platform that the
piano is sitting on
and um still somehow gets up and
continues to fight this guy
he tells what's her noodle sarah he
tells sarah the main girl the book
what's her noodle you knew who i met i
did he tells her to run and instead of
running out of the room she runs in
front of john who's trying to escape and
knees him in the balls which then gives
dante the opportunity to shoot him in
the face or the chest i don't remember
also worth noting at one point sarah is
like you can't rape me if there's other
girls in the room which i also feel like
he could he could have
i don't want him to please really hear
me condoning or endorsing but i'm just
like i don't really feel like given
where he was at in life like that was
what was stopping him yeah
yeah like where there's a will there's a
way but also like
uh like morning father is plenty of
cover like he didn't need exactly i'm
like you're distraught that your kid
died i really didn't need a serial
killer
but it was funny because like she
convinces him to like let
randy and emily out and then she was
like you need to go tell dante that he's
the windy city carver he'll know what
that means and you're like right like
that's what's important like don't tell
him that i love him or like that
oh you know i whatever like there's no
declarations it's like tell him he's the
windy city carver k bye like what
truly okay i guess whatever
so then dante sustains a head injury he
does so
uh john is dead
and dante is injured and so
so sarah
he gets injured and sarah is like the
emt show up and they're like we'll
handle this and she's like i'm a doctor
let me handle this and she's like i'm
gonna hop in the ambulance and like so
good news guys she overcomes her fear of
hospitals she does because she doesn't
notice that she's in a hospital because
she's so fixated on dante yes honestly
like the way that they're healing each
other is really beautiful and not at all
codependent not at all and we forgot
that part of the way that dante heals
from all of this is like he has a lot of
survivor's guilt and after he like
swipes the
glass and sarah cuts her feet she tells
him that he's a [ __ ] idiot and he
needs to pick take his pain medicine
because patrick the the partner wouldn't
want him to be in pain and patrick's
like oh or dante's like oh yeah that's
that's true i should take my pain meds
and i should call patrick's wife and son
and so they remember that i love them
and i'm here for them and it's like okay
so
sarah
so dante's healed from the survivor's
guilt sarah is healed from the cuts on
her feet
i like that we
i mean to be fair her feet cuts healed a
long time ago they did and also she's
healed from the
hospital phobia she's now more real only
her only trauma from almost being
murdered and stabbed 20 times was a fear
of hospitals and good news dante's head
injury
and her almost being murdered again
right um led to her getting over this
fear because she didn't even realize she
was in a hospital because she was so
focused on dante's recovery
and you know a madman
threatening to rape her and mutilate her
horribly
was like all good because she was
focused on dante so
then there's a lot of like well dante's
leaving like we can't really be together
dentist is going back to l.a there's a
timeline
so
then
dante is like come with me to la i love
you
whatever and she's like well i'm gonna
need at least a month or two to like
work out my patients and he's like two
weeks and she's like nah man like legit
it has to be a month or two like i can't
just leave these people and he's like
okay so then he gets on the plane to go
back to
l.a
and his brother's private plane worth
noting this is not a commercial flight
they're billionaires they're better than
that he doesn't have a commercial plane
or he doesn't have a private plane um
but he does enjoy using his brothers yes
and um the flight was delayed and sarah
doesn't know that so she texts him
thinking that he'll get it when he lands
she texts him telling him that she loves
him and there's a lot of other [ __ ] in
there i don't remember like it wasn't
just a like cool i love you like it was
like a lot of things that she said it's
like i need to like really like tell you
like these i need to like
my feelings like let me count the ways
whatever so
he gets it because the flight was
delayed and he's like oh my god and
tells the pilot to like we're not
leaving and gets off
and is like i love you too this is
amazing and then they [ __ ] again and
also the chief of police of the town had
been offering dante a job this whole
time and dante had been like nah dude
like i gotta go back to la and then he's
like well because in in la he was a
homicide homicide detective and
um he was offered a job with the
aimsport amesbury
[Laughter]
so yeah the like the chief keeps
offering him jobs that he kind of keeps
like turning his nose about them because
he's like i'm a homicide detective right
like in the book his hair is not that
long in the book his hair is pretty
short but i imagine when he says
homicide detective that he's doing like
a really legit hair flip
like an over the shoulder i imagined it
as a crew cut hair flip
well i mean just like it grew out for
that scene like only when he's only for
that scene he put a wig on to flip his
hair
and then he took it off yes
yeah yeah yeah so regardless he's like
you love it here
your life is here i don't know what i
was thinking i'm gonna stay with you
forever i love you let's get married and
she's like okay
and then
she's like maybe next year and he's like
no
next month and she's like the [ __ ]
i need at least a year to plan a wedding
he's like no you don't make it three
weeks
which is weird right it is weird like
what's the rush man like she's she's
already locked down like what are you
trying to do something he's like no i
won't wait
won't wait a year for you to be my wife
and i'm like
okay but like does it really change
anything in the dynamic of y'all's
relationship it doesn't you're already
living together and raising the dog coco
like why do we which was also like
a rat looking dog that he initially
didn't like and then it was a chihuahua
poodle mix
or something something and i remember
that because i have a pekingese poodle
mix that we call a peekapoo and i
believe in the book they call it a
cheapo
i had a lot of poo growing up and then
um my loss of who was a female and she
boned a [ __ ] poo
and
their puppy breed we just called them
muds because it felt better than calling
them lots of shitty poos
which is where we ended up
they were
the cutest though i bet yes i bet yeah
my peekapoo
is a mess
well that's
here hannah why don't you tell everyone
tell us about your peekaboo let me let
me tell you about my peekapoo so he's a
pekingese poodle mix his name is gizmo
he is nine years old and he is paralyzed
so he does not have the use of his back
legs
and
i have to wear diapers he does he wears
diapers um and he doesn't always need
them
um
so here's the thing
the only reason i agreed to go on a date
with my husband was to meet the dog
because i had me i had seen him on
facebook and i was like i
i need to meet that because it's the
cutest thing i've ever seen
and my husband's well aware that like
gizmo is the ultimate wingman and now
gizmo serves as a therapy dog so i bring
him to work with me a couple of days a
week
and he hangs out with my patients and
gives them love and stuff they pass them
around during group and oh i bet they
all love having them super cute my
favorite
my favorite was the 60 year old man huge
dude like massive man
um had been homeless right before he
came in had lived a hard hard life done
a lot of years in prison
saw gizmo and got down on the ground
with him during group and just started
loving on him and he was like
contributing to group but every now and
then he just leaned down and he'd
whisper and he'd be like
good dog
i love you brother
that's like the purest thing ever it was
so precious so um that's about gizmo the
peekapoo
um
maybe someday i don't know you guys will
meet him somehow i don't know he talks a
lot he so he lost his bark in the
accident but
when he gets really hyped about
something he sort of makes these little
squeak sounds which are magnificent
they're really adorable they're very
very cute so um maybe someday you guys
will
have the pleasure of
conversations with gizmo but for now
that's the story of the peekapoo but
coco was a cheapo
coco this dumbass dog in this book is
like
honestly just kind of an annoying
afterthought throughout the whole thing
like here's the thing it's to like
humanize dante
well yeah cause it's so it's sarah's dog
and then like dante's like annoyed and
he's like what what the [ __ ] is this
little rat thing and then he's like oh i
hate this thing but in that way we're
like
you know how like secretly yeah like
dad's a big we're not getting a dog and
then they're like i'm gonna build him a
custom
yes
precisely like very much that energy so
like dante's like this dog sucks but
he's also like i'm obsessed with this
dog and would lay down my life for it
maybe not that extreme but pretty close
but pretty close and so yeah so 75 of
the way through the book we really hit
the finale where we find out that john
is a
serial killer who was also a grieving
father i really only needed him to be a
grieving father i really agree yeah he
really wasn't grieving he was honestly
sad that his son and wife died because
they were a cover
for his which is like no they weren't
you like what he was like i've like
never been arrested and like no one like
assumed it was like a family man with a
son and a wife
and i'm like
i have some other questions i just like
don't believe if you stab someone 20
times and failed at killing them that
you are as good of a serial killer as
you think you are right well that's why
i said like i sincerely doubt that she
was just
sort of
like needed a transfusion and was fine
after being stabbed 20 times by [ __ ]
serial killer who'd apparently killed
like 10 or 12 women before that
yes there were so many and then they
were like oh well you know now that we
know he's a serial killer that does make
sense because the deaths kind of dropped
off around the time of his son's death
and i'm like yeah cause then he went to
boston or new york or some [ __ ] and
started killing women there but whatever
so
so dante gets off the plane yeah and
is like i got your text message
and she's like oh i thought you wouldn't
get it till you land i'll still move out
to california for you and he's like no i
really like it here and my family's here
and
that's the end of the book basically
yeah so like the final 25 of the book
really feels like it could have been
resolved in like a chapter it's just
like a couple of sex scenes and them
talking about whether they should get
married in six months or in six weeks i
mean to be fair i think a lot of what we
do here is just describe the plot of a
book outside of the sex scenes to note
like hey if you remove the sex right
this is the plot we're looking at what
do you think about this plot do you feel
like it holds up without sex to be fair
to be fair to be fair i did describe a
lot of the sex and den of vipers but
that was the majority of the plot
well also in your review of den of
vipers
the description of sex was far more
necessary i do feel like this was like
go with me on this i feel like it was
still pretty like vanilla there was a
lot of sex and outside of the handcuff
scene up front
which i we let's just go back was her
second sexual experience ever in life
and he handcuffed her to a bed right i
do feel like a lot of like their normal
sexual experiences i'm like oh this is
just like normal sex normal sex he did
spank her a lot at one point
oh i forgot about the spanking yeah you
are correct yeah although like compared
to a knife in the ass like if that's the
barometer we're using
some spanking is like pretty chill
yeah i feel like
when ass play is involved that's just a
different conversation so just ask play
in general not not knife play but ass
play is the line for you no it's not a
line there's ass play and there's knife
play
and sometimes those form of marriage
um
interesting word choice
okay
sometimes those come together in this
book there was some spanking they did
come together
yes they did come for sure there was
some faking there was some handcuffs
uh-huh but outside of that i'd say the
sex as a whole
wasn't like that risque it was just like
sex
right and there was a little bit of like
it's so urgent we have to do it in this
semi-public place but it was there was
nothing that was like oh my god i'm also
gonna say this and i don't know if you
felt otherwise
there was a a lot of sex and a lot of
that like i wanna shove my [ __ ] and
you're throbbing hot [ __ ] right there
was a quote i don't fully remember what
it was that i sent hannah i just
remember the word juices and laughing
like i want to lap her juices oh that's
what it was i want to lap her juices
like they were nectar yeah or something
like that
and like here's the thing
that line shut down any arousal that may
have been happening like yeah and but
i'll also say for as much sex as was in
these was it was in this book at no
point was i was like this is a rousing
right like at no point was like this is
hot i was like
yeah so they're boning what happens next
and i don't feel like that's a mark of a
great sex scene right
but also i just want to put this out
there because i imagine that we are
going to review the other two
or all those are
the other six we're gonna review all of
them because they are horrifying but
just to be clear they are essentially
the same book like every single one
follows the same formula and i just
love it
i just love it so much that was like and
i will review these at some point as
well j.a lowe yes
um
yes you already know but there were the
first two books in that series i
legitimately think they were based on
the same word document
like i was like i don't i think she just
did a control f and yeah changed the
name and did a replace like even down to
like
a scene where
to be fair the first two books in her
series and we'll get there at some point
um
the the first two books were about twins
and one was the one brother and the one
was the second brother and there was a
scene where both of the brothers not at
the same time in each of their
respective books
went down on the the female and the
female like closes her legs and it's
like no i know men don't like to do that
and he's like no i want to do that for
you and i'm like really he wants to lap
it laughs at her
oh my god
but like but here was michael i was like
really both of these brothers had this
identical experience
like
i'm just saying
start a new word document at the very
least change the phrasing so it doesn't
feel like the same she was thinking she
would release those books far enough
apart that nobody would notice yeah she
was not prepared for you and i who are
just like you mean there's seven books
in this series i'm getting through every
single day
within a week okay all right so no
ordinary billionaire the first of j
scott's
sinclair series yeah so i
i'm thinking
like lobsters like how many how many
lobster rolls are we ready lobster rolls
i'm like out of five
so for enjoyability of like
like is this great literature absolutely
not but did i really enjoy it and did it
make me laugh a lot and would i
potentially rate it again yeah
so i feel like four i would go with four
lobster rolls like 3.5 lobster rolls
okay okay yeah and but i feel like those
are like in the you rounded it up i did
i round it up yeah but i wrote it up
because i feel the same way like
objectively was it great literature
absolutely not
no it's never getting a pulitzer
and
did it lead to a lot of really hilarious
conversations with people and like did i
laugh really hard when i was reading it
yes was i meant to laugh at the book i
don't think that was what she intended
based on her headshot no that's not what
she intended
no she thought this was like gonna be
like the sexiest of books well according
to
thousand two hundred people on goodreads
it was well they also fall between our
three point five and four point eight
roll 3.91
we rate this book 3.91 lobster rolls
we do we do and while we have enjoyed
this time together that we've had with
each other and i guess with you dear
listener i think we're done now yeah i
think
i think we'll circle back honestly i
might need a reprieve before i i review
the second book because because they're
essentially the same so yeah because you
already listened i'm just going to
change a few key details
i can just put those in the notes for
this episode and you can re-listen to
this episode and just imagine those
other details yeah but
to save you that we will review it at
some point because
it's that
bad and wonderful and magical so
we love you we don't know you but we
love you and we're excited you're here
and
have a good day have a good night i
don't know what time it is thank you a
good night good night and good luck