Lindsay: Welcome to the Lifting Lindsay podcast.
Today is the day before, the In Vitro Eve.
Is that what it's, that's a horrible name for it.
Tomorrow I go in, we have two frozen embryos and, I'm hoping
to make my family bigger.
Hoping to get another child.
We have three children.
One we got through the gift of adoption and the other two through in vitro.
I'm trying to balance out right now hope with caution, right?
Because this will be my sixth in vitro.
We had three failed in vitros and then the fourth in vitro we got Hazel and then
we froze Link for a while, and then our fifth in vitro, we got Link and, and now
we're doing a sixth in vitro.
So I've had a lot of miscarriages too.
I've had like five, five miscarriages.
We did, I UIs.
Oh man.
We did a ton of those.
Like six or seven.
We had years on on klo.
Oh my gosh.
I called Klo the crazy maker.
People are like Klo baby maker.
I'm like more like the crazy maker.
Are you kidding me?
I was crazy on Klo.
With this in vitro, to be honest, I have kind of been trying to pretend
like it's not coming and it's not happening, which since it's frozen,
we have two embryos that are frozen.
It's actually been a lot easier to do that because.
When you have to like harvest, that sounds so sci-fi, when you're harvesting eggs
and when you're pulling those all out.
Right?
And that is a whole other process that is of drugs and procedures
and it is super intense and, frozen procedures are way easier.
Because, it's far less hormones that you're pumping your body with, right?
With harvesting, trying to get as many, eggs as possible, man, you're just
doing tons of, hormones to just try to get as many eggs as possible, right?
So they'll pull out, like for me, everyone is so different, but for me they would
pull out like 30 and then we would only get like, a few that would survive.
In fact, just a little background, there was just something genetically wrong
with my eggs so everybody's infertility is for different various reasons.
Um, sometimes it's the man, sometimes it's the woman.
Sometimes you don't even know what it is about the woman.
They would watch the embryos just kind of develop over a few days.
They just noticed that my egg a quality was really bad.
And so because of that, that's why we had the, the three failed in vitros.
I.
It's because they'd get to a certain point in development where
it was just really low quality.
And they said it could be a genetic thing.
I had no clue, but I had severe endometriosis.
Most people, like I had sisters with endometriosis and there's a scale, I
can't remember the exact scale, but there's a scale of endometriosis and
it, it usually causes the more severe.
The more, um, painful periods or just, uh, heavy, heavy bleeding.
I didn't have any of that.
I had no clue I had endometriosis, so we really had no clue why
the, a quality was so bad.
And finally my doctor was like, you know, I actually think we should just get in
there and kind of see what's going on.
I hope I'm not boring you guys with my history of infertility.
You can skip past this if it's not interesting to you, but this is
how stubborn of an individual I am.
If you, if you've ever wondered how stubborn is, let's see.
Um, I was going in, I believe it was for this surgery where they were
just checking up and seeing, and they had already given me the sleeping
drugs I was going under and they were strolling me into the operating room
and my doctor's talking to me, Dr.
Folk, who I just love this man to pieces.
I'm a huge Lord of the Rings fan, and when I found out he has a hobbit hole in
his backyard, I just knew in that moment.
God had directed me to the right doctor.
Like this relationship was meant to happen.
No, this man was, is just such a godsend.
Um, I just love him, they're strolling me into the operating table,
and I, I can't even remember what I was saying.
He must have thought, oh, she, he didn't know me very well.
He just thought, oh, she's loopy.
She's weird.
Little did he know, this is just Lindsay.
And he goes, you won't even remember this conversation.
I'm like, what are you talking about?
Yeah, I will.
And he's like, no, you're half out of it.
You won't even remember.
And I said, I will remember every part of this conversation.
And he goes, really?
Oranges and I was like, oranges?
And he's like, yeah, if you're gonna remember it when you
wake up, remember oranges.
And um, so sure enough, I go under, they find in there.
He, he told me later when I went in to check in, he, he told me,
he's like, I've actually never seen such a bad case of endometriosis.
So that's probably what's doing this to your egg quality.
So there's a few things that we can do to kind of get that
to subside and maybe help.
But anyways, when I walked in for that discussion, and I sat down and
I looked at him and I said, oranges.
He goes, what?
And I'm like, you don't even remember the conversation.
I remember the conversation.
And according to you, I was half out oranges.
And he's like, I can't believe you remember that.
This is, so, anyways, so that's, that's pretty much what, what
they figure was wrong with my egg quality and why I would get pregnant,
but have so many miscarriages.
And then there were some issues with Hashimoto's and, and me not, e
even ovulating and stuff like that.
There was just kind of a compounding variables that made, getting pregnant
just such a difficult thing for us.
After the three failed in vitros, I told Alex like, I'm, I'm done.
Like I can't do this again.
I remember telling that to God too.
When, when we were doing the third one and I was just praying and I said,
I can't, I can can't do a fourth.
You cannot ask that of me.
And so when we did the third one and, and it, it didn't work out.
I was just like, I told Alex I'm done, I'm done.
And I, I went to God and was just like, I'm done.
And I just got this overwhelming feeling as I was talking to him.
I was like, I, I just want a baby so bad, like I want my family.
And this overwhelming feeling of, oh, that's what you want.
You want a child, you don't wanna just have a baby, you want a child.
I can give you a child.
And a few months later we were adopting Elsie.
And we just saw miracle after miracle.
I think that my, my life experiences have really turned my heart to God.
And that's why I believe in him so much really.
But it was interesting after we adopted Elsie.
And I, I just remember those conversations of telling God I, I will not do a fourth.
You cannot ask that of me.
Not only is it financially so taxing, but it is physically,
mentally, emotionally, just draining.
After those, that third one was a bust.
I was just like, no, you cannot ask a fourth.
I'm done.
So we were able to adopt Elsie pretty quickly and then for my
church, I would actually go around and do some public speaking.
I would help with family history and kind of get the youth excited about
dead people and, and, and getting to know their, their family history more.
I would go around Utah, this state and, and kind of give these presentations.
And, and I remember talking about how I truly believe that the
blessing of, uh, that Elsie's coming to us was such a, a blessing.
And I remember sharing the, the infertility story a few times at, at some
of these, whenever I felt that I should.
And I remember a woman coming up to me, Elsie was probably like a month
old and a woman coming up and saying, would you ever do a fourth in vitro?
And as I sha shook my head, no, I got this.
Sorry.
I'm emotional guys.
I got this overwhelming feeling come over me saying.
You will and you will do it now guys, I am so emotional.
I've been just been pumping myself full of all of these hormones and I'll tell
you a little bit more about that later.
But, but so this sharing, this experience, this tender experience just kind
of gets me a little emotional, but.
I went home and I told Alex, I walk in.
Alex is sitting there rocking Elsie, this newborn, that I'm barely
surviving being a new mom, right?
Knowing, navigating, knowing what I'm supposed to do.
I walk in and see him holding her and I said, hun, we are
supposed to do a fourth in vitro.
And he goes, okay.
'cause that's just Alex.
Okay, let's do it.
When I said No, and he looks down at Elsie and he's like, how?
And I know what he's thinking too, financially.
We just adopted like, how are we supposed to do this?
And I said, I don't know,
but we're supposed to.
Two or three days later, I kid you not guys,
two or three days later I get a phone call from the fertility clinic and it was a
woman, Tanya, who I'd worked closely with.
I was just, I just loved this woman.
She's like, Lindsay, it's been a while.
I'm like, yeah, what are you doing calling me.
What's up?
She goes, would you be willing to come in and talk, talk with Dr.
Folk?
I was like, uh, yeah.
Why?
Like, I didn't reach out to you.
How did you know?
We're supposed to do a fourth in vitro?
How did you know this anyway?
I didn't say that to her, but I was just kind of like sitting there
shocked, like, what is going on?
And I said, uh, yeah, why?
And she goes, he's been invited to be part of testing out a new drug
and you actually qualify for it.
So we go in there and we talk to him.
He said the qualifications were three or more failed in vitros.
And he goes, to be honest, Lindsay, you weren't even on my mind for this.
I was looking through my file looking for another woman, and I saw
your folder, Lindsay Parker, and I remembered three failed in Vitros.
She qualifies and he looked down at Elsie in the car seat.
I still remember.
And he goes, you would get a free in vitro.
I mean, are you interested?
And me and Alex just looked at each other and we're like, oh my gosh.
Like, are you kidding me?
So it was a double-blinded study, which means we didn't know, the doctor didn't
know if I got the medication or not.
The medication was for egg quality.
We had to have got it guys because for the first time we put three embryos in
and we got Hazel for the first time.
We actually had enough to freeze, we were able to freeze four.
We took out two and we got Link, and now we have these last two.
You know, I don't know.
whether it will work out again for us or not.
But looking back and seeing God's hand in all of that, preparing me, telling me to
do a fourth, even though I had told him, I will never, you cannot ask this of me.
And then having him, that woman asking me, would you ever do a fourth?
And me being like, no.
But yet, feeling so strongly in that moment.
You will and you will do it now.
It was such, I look at my family and I think what an incredible blessing.
So tomorrow we're putting in our last and, and,
I do think people get faith wrong a lot.
They think, well, if I have faith and I get what I want and I get it
on my timetable and, and somehow it will change God's will or, or
whatever, I'm not one of those people.
Time has taught me that faith is, faith is what gets you through when
the thing that you want so badly.
It doesn't happen.
So that's, that's why I have faith, to get me through it, right.
And, and not just get through it.
'cause I think everybody gets through it, but to endure it,
well, to become a better person.
I was sharing this with a few friends the other day.
I personally feel like we get the miracles wrong, right?
We think that miracle is getting what I want when I want it, or, you know, my, my
child gets sick and gets cancer and, and a miracle is, means God loves me and I
get what I want and the child doesn't die.
But what about all those other people?
Their children dies.
I just think in the next life when we're sitting around, 'cause I
believe in the next life when we're sitting around talking about miracles,
we're not gonna be talking about, well, I got this when I wanted it.
I think that by human nature, were pretty hardhearted.
I think miracles when our hearts turn to God, that's, that's a real miracle.
'cause heaven knows I am hardhearted and hard minded.
Is that a thing?
Alex will attest to that, right?
Stubborn hardheaded.
There you go.
So I personally believe that miracles are whatever turns our hearts the most to God.
And sometimes the miracle is we get a baby, or the child doesn't
die, the bad thing doesn't happen.
Right?
And other times, the miracle, the thing that's gonna turn us to God
the most and change us is that, and we don't get what we want.
So faith to me, is a precursor to change.
It's miracles are what softened my heart and turned me to God.
And, uh, my faith gives me purpose and it gives purpose to those things
that are so hard to deal with.
That's my belief system, and I give space for others to have their own.
But this has served me and served me well.
And I, I do believe in God and I do love him and strive to have a
personal relationship with him, and it's through these hard things that
really do, the miracle happens.
And I love my God of miracles.
So with that being said, that's not necessarily what I planned on talking
about today by any stretch of the imagination, but I just kinda wanted to
share on a personal note what's going on.
So tomorrow I will put in those two, uh, last embryos.
Now, I typically do get, do get a positive after IVFs, and, and then I miscarry
usually around like 12, 13 weeks is when,.
the heart stops beating.
So just a word of caution as I go through this, time.
I love thoughts and prayers.
I love, knowing that you guys are concerned and, and interested.
You know, this is, a lot of people are curious.
But I do also want to remind you not to just send me random messages asking
me how things are going on Instagram, just because if I just found out I'd
had a miscarriage, I would hate for you to feel bad that you made me feel bad.
I'm just kidding.
No, but, but just know that when.
I want to talk about it, I'll talk about it.
And I'll be very open and that's actually kind of part of processing and healing.
Um, you know, when things don't work out.
And so I just appreciate those that just kind of allow, give me space,
uh, to, to talk about these things.
And then also to just, wait for me, you know, to, to talk about it
on kind of my terms, if you will.
So with that being said, a lot of people have been messaging me and
asking me how the process affects working out and training and
foods and all of that good stuff.
Well, if you have listened to me for a while, you know that I do spend
majority of my time mindfully eating.
In fact, I have a course that I'll share in the notes that teaches other
people how to mindfully eat because.
Tracking every single calorie that goes into my mouth.
It's, it's not my favorite thing.
It's not how I want to live my life.
So up to this, this point, it hasn't too much except for I did
start progesterone and they want me to take it at certain times.
Now, most women who are using progesterone.
Um, to balance out hormones or get into healthy ranges for their body.
Typically we take progesterone at night because it can make us
a little bit more tired, and it can really assist with sleep.
But because of the in vitro and how they're trying to time the levels
for progesterone, they are having me do it in the morning, which has
greatly impacted my energy levels.
Oh my goodness.
So, because I am progesterone dominant, I would say at this moment, taking
so much progesterone, it makes me extremely tired during the day.
So I have had to shift my training.
I've had to train first thing in the morning at five o'clock in the morning.
That's something that I haven't been doing for a while.
Usually I've been training around like.
10, 11.
I've had some really good energy around there and I wake up early still, but I do
work in the mornings and then, you know, 10 o'clock, 11 o'clock I'm hitting the
gym, doing some recordings for you all.
I'm able to do my training there, but because my energy levels
are so like, it is horrible, usually I get 12 to 15,000 steps.
And my energy levels have dropped so much that I can barely get like
eight to 10, and I have to be super vigilant and aware to get near 10.
So what was once easy is now I have to be far more intentional and I
have to feel like I'm working even harder 'cause I'm so tired.
Now a lot of you who are going through perimenopause or post menopause are gonna
be like, oh, well that sounds familiar.
It, it might for you.
Not everybody experiences it to the extent, same extremes, but that might
sound very familiar to you because of the changes in hormones in our body.
So you, you have to, get creative.
So I wake up at five o'clock in the morning and instead of going down
and and doing work, I go straight to the gym now because that's actually
when I have my highest energy levels and I can ensure that like I lift and
get a good like 30, 45 minute, steps in afterwards through some cardio.
So that I can get closer to that 10,000 step range that I want to, because
in the afternoons, the crash comes so severe with how much progesterone they're
having me do in the mornings, and they're timing it just right, because I'm doing
an uh, an afternoon transfer tomorrow.
And then tomorrow I will start doing progesterone at night too.
So a lot of miscarriages, they, they link it to low progesterone, so if
we can have really high progesterone, they're hoping that it will make, the
pregnancy viable that the last and, and hopefully avoid, uh, any miscarriage.
But, so that's kind of how things are going for me, and I've had to
kinda sit down and look at like, this is the hand that I've been dealt.
I don't want to lose who I am, which I am somebody who I work out.
I lift weights, I focus on strength, I move.
I don't want that person to go away.
I can still do this.
It's gonna take a lot more effort and energy right now than I feel
like it even felt two months ago.
Two months ago, doing all of these, these habits, routines was a breeze.
Now it takes, nothing's changed except for hormones, but it takes far more
intentionality and it feels like it takes way more effort, and that is just the
reality of what I'm facing right now.
And so I have to just kind of alter.
Now I go in the morning, I went this morning, felt amazing, came
home, got my progesterone shot 45 minutes later, almost on the dot,
just felt like I could crash again.
It's also making me highly, highly emotional.
I'm also taking estradiol, so, but these are just at levels
that are, I'm not used to.
This is not where I thrive.
These are very, very, very high levels and I expressed on Instagram the other
day how my poor husband, because I am just kind of, all over the place.
Super, super agitated.
Just him burping the other day in the office.
It was me and him working and he burped and I was just like, I'm gonna kill him.
So funny.
I feel so bad for him, and that's not normally how I am, right.
Then the next morning, we're all having breakfast and he loves his oatmeal, as
do I, and he's eating his oatmeal and he slurps, he just did it one time.
It's not like he's over there like slurp, slurp, slurping.
But he did it one time and I just like, felt like I was gonna lose it on him.
And I, I messaged him later after he left him.
Like, I have to just be really open and honest right now.
I am just not feeling myself and, and so I just, I just wanted,
you know, you to have caution.
And he goes, oh, I know, like it's Lindsay.
Here I am thinking I'm doing so well.
I'm managing this so well, I'm hiding it so well, and he is like, um, nope.
It's uh, it's pretty obvious to all of us.
You're like, who walked on the edge of a cliff and we're all just
like waiting for mom to lose it.
And he's like, I even had a chat with Elsie on the way home that
mom is taking a lot of medicine right now.
She's not herself.
If she loses it on you don't take it personally.
And I was like, wow.
The fact that you had that conversation shows that I am just not managing
this very well, but it is what it is.
And I'm grateful that I can be open and honest and talk to Alex about it.
But I did think it was really funny because I, I had a number
of women write into me saying.
Are my hormones out of whack because that's just my daily, like I just feel
like I'm gonna lose it on people daily and I'm going to share something with you.
Once again, this is so not what I planned today, but sometimes I think
it's good to kinda share what's going on.
On a personal note, you guys see a lot of like the science-based approach
and what I'm doing, but, but there's also a person underneath this, right?
Struggling and my workouts to be honest have lost all intensity over the past
week and, and it is just what it is.
I've kind of had to walk myself through this, Hey Lindsay, you're
not building muscle right now.
You are just focusing on not losing yourself and the
person that you identify with.
You identify with somebody who, uh, is active, who loves lifting weights.
Like I said, I also identify, with, stoicism.
I love stoicism.
I love studying it.
A lot of times people think it's a stoic is just somebody who's
emotionless, and that's not true at all.
When you study it, it, these are people who feel deeply, but even though a
storm is raging inside, they're able to be the master of the ship, right?
Not, uh, lose themselves, but, but navigate and control their emotions.
They feel it all, but it doesn't allow them to get swept away in it.
And that's something that I've, I haven't.
always been that person, but now I try my hardest to identify with that person
because it is who I want to be so much.
So kind of stepping into this now, I feel like my emotions are just
taking over and ruling me, and I'm feeling all these negative things
and, and want to lash out at people.
And I have to remind myself, this is not who you are.
This is a great opportunity to practice, to continue practicing
being the person you want to be.
So with that being said, I had a few women, like I said, write to me and
saying, but what you're describing is how I live my day-to-Day life.
Like am is, are my hormones imbalanced?
I'm just gonna share my opinion, from somebody who's in my past,
my emotions ruled me and I looked at myself one day and decided, I
don't, I don't wanna be this person.
I don't.
I don't like feeling this way.
I don't like feeling so negative about others.
Critical, judgmental.
I, I don't want to be this, I don't want every person who choose chips
around me to somehow be a threat and be so annoying and, and I lose it.
And my emotions, I don't want.
to be that person.
So I'm speaking from experience of having lived reactively in my life
to then deciding one day I, I need to proactively become someone else.
The answer is no.
I don't believe that 99 percent of people out there who experience
those feelings are just being ruled by their hormones, right?
We can't blame our hormones for everything.
I know we like to, I'm not losing weight hormones.
I feel like crap hormones.
Well, it might, it might be true, but we can still choose how we are going
to play the hand we've been dealt.
No, I don't believe that people who feel these way this way are just
ruled by their hormones and their hormones are imbalanced and all that.
I do think that there's a good amount of population of people who've just
never practiced emotional regulation.
One, they haven't been taught it.
Because one, they've been taught for most of their lives, maybe emotions
are just bad and you ignore them and you suppress them and then they end up
building up and, and, um, so that's awful.
We haven't had healthy discussions.
We are starting to see them more and more, but in the past we haven't had healthy
discussions on emotional regulation.
You know, I look at my children and I think more than math problems
solving math problems, I think.
the best thing that I could teach them is how to regulate their
emotions, and be emotionally healthy.
That is going to define their overall experience of joy in life
and just the, the overall reality that they create for themselves.
My thoughts are that we need to intentionally become better at
working on ourselves, on telling ourselves different stories.
A lot of us have told ourselves such negative stories for so long that we've
created the very thing that, that we hate, that these, these feelings, these
emotions, these wanting to lash out, but guess what creates emotions, thoughts.
Thoughts create emotion.
So if we can learn to be better at the work of seeing things differently,
telling ourselves stories that better serve us, our relationships, and
the people around us, that's where we are going to thrive and become
the person that we want to become.
So I'm going to end this episode.
This is such like a weird episode, guys.
Usually I, um, it's more like science based, uh, fitness, but, but this
is just an important part of, of who I am and, and what makes me me.
And so thought I would share.
I'm gonna end it by just sharing a book that I think if you feel this way.
If you just feel overwhelmed by your emotions, controlled by them,
everybody's thoughts and actions, throw you for a loop, make you so angry.
You feel like you know the way somebody's chewing or the things that they say
like have so much control over you.
I really want to encourage you to read a book, do the work.
The book is called Loving What Is, and it's four Questions That Can
Change Your Life by Byron Katie.
I really, really want to encourage you, I read this book at a pretty
traumatizing point in my life and.
in many ways I hated what she was saying, but also knew it was
true and I had to do the work.
This book will also go through accepting and loving yourself, and even can be
used to work through body image issues.
So I'm gonna put a, in the show notes, I'm gonna include a
link to where you can buy this.
Audible too.
You can listen to it as well.
This is a book that if you allow it and if you do the work that's
in it, it will change your life.
Okay.
Loving what is, so on that note, I'm just gonna finish up today.
Thank you for joining me.
This has just been 40 minutes of just listening to Lindsay
ramble about emotions, hormones, miracles in vitro, and just kind
of what's going on in, in my life.
But I just want you guys all to know.
I really love and appreciate each one of you.
Oh, I forgot to mention at the beginning be strong, my community,
I just, it's you get training, but I just added to it, meal plans.
A lot of people struggle with the food.
They're like, I know how to get in the gym and work hard,
but they don't know how to get
high protein meals, enjoyable food, make it a lifestyle.
And I've done all the hard work for you.
Just follow the plan.
Okay, I got a meal plan for you, got a workout plan for you.
Just follow the plan guys.
And then we have this awesome community, be strong of women who
focus on being strong mentally,
physically, and it is, and emotionally and spiritually and all of those things.
And, and we come together and we talk about all of those things.
I, I love it.
I love this platform.
So thank you, each one of you that are part of it who joined the discussions,
you guys are what makes it great.
So I appreciate each one of you.
If you guys have any questions or concerns, I'm always
open to hear back from you.
You can dm me.
Um, on Instagram at lifting Lindsay, you can go to lifting lindsay.com to
check out the community and just kind of come join us and, and be part of it.
I appreciate you guys.
Have a wonderful week.