[00:00:00] If you don't see, uh, your conflict through the right attitude, it can tear you apart. You see your attitude is going to cause you to fight about it until you get your way. Your attitude tells you that if I don't win this power play in my relationship, then I'm a failure. Right. If I can't control my husband until he does the, the way I want, then I'm a failure.

And he doesn't like. Well, that's your attitude telling you to do that?

Ladies and Gentlemen, and welcome to the Salty Pastor Podcast, a podcast dedicated to helping you learn and grow in your faith and your critical thinking skills. The world today will tell you, just think what we tell you to think, but we are here to not tell you to do that. We're instead here to teach and guide you to think for yourself so that you can be sure-footed and confident in what you [00:01:00] believe and how and why you got to that position.

So my name is Jesse Maher I am your host. We can not do the Salty Pastor Podcast without the Salty Pastor himself. Dr. Douglas Peake. 

Well, greetings everyone. I'm so glad to be with you today. It's just a great day. It's a great week. We are in a new series on relationships. It's called Storybook Endings, and it's basically that everybody is writing a story and you can be the villain or the hero.

Uh, you can be the protagonist or the antagonist if we're using literary terms. But, uh, the bottom line is, is you get to decide what story that you're going to write based on what you choose to value right now. And then what you choose to do based on those values. So that's what this series is about. 

So we started our Bible study, um, in Genesis where we kind of established the fact that we are created in the image of God.

And this means that we are relational by nature. You want to expand a little bit more on that and that first principle that we're [00:02:00] looking at?

Uh, well, just to remember, the first principle is we're created in the image of God and go back and listen to the podcast, uh, uh, last Tuesday in order to really dig into that.

And the bottom line is because you're created in the image of God, your relation, your, your nature is relational. Okay. And. That means basically everybody wants friends or needs friends. You might be this like hardcore introvert, introvert, and you only need one or two, but maybe are gregarious and saying when and you need 50.

It doesn't matter. Everybody means friends, someone that they can connect with on a friendship level. Everybody wants to be in love. Right. Everybody wants to be in love at some point in their life. And we know, you know, women, you know, uh, it's a high value for women, but I don't, I think it's overlooked.

It's especially true for guys as well. Guys, men want to be in love. All right. They want to love someone. Real men understand deep in their soul that they're, uh, if they really want to unleash their [00:03:00] masculine heart, they need to love someone and they need to love them with everything they've got. John Elderidge calls this a beauty to rescue.

He says your masculine heart is designed to live in adventure, fight a battle to win. And discover a beauty to rescue. And he says, that's, what's part of the, how the masculine heart is wired. Now, if your masculine soul a T a is what tells you whether you're a man or not finding someone to love and sacrifice for, and protect is critical to unleashing your masculine heart. On the other hand,

and this is one reason why we're doing this series, is that a woman can never actually tell a guy if he's a man or not. So if you take the question to her, uh, that's disastrous, that never works out. So, um, it's very important to understand that's a whole nother discussion. We'll get into that at a later date. But our nature is relational, but we also struggle [00:04:00] with the thing called the tanked.

You see being, uh, created in the image of God means our nature's relational. And we do best when we're in healthy relationships, strong relationships, children thrive and healthy and strong relational families. Men thrive when their work relationships and their friendships and their, uh, family relationships are strong and healthy. Women thrive in strong, healthy, relational situations, communities and societies thrive when relationships are good.

On the other hand, though, our nature is tanted. And the tank causes us to pursue things that undermine healthy relationships. Uh, and this creates chaos. Our selfish drives sometimes undermine our friendships, right? Sometimes our selfish drives, uh, undermine our working relationship with people. Are selfish drives can undermine our marriage [00:05:00] relationships, our parenting, and interaction with our, our kids.

And once you understand that I'm driven relationally, I'm called or do best when I have healthy relationships, but there's also a part of me that sabotages relationships, once you understand what's going on in your life this way, it makes so much more sense about how to live life. 

So just to review, you're saying basically everybody's, we're, we're created in a, in a way that we desire relationships, man, woman, um, everybody desires relationships, but in the same stroke, all relationships, because we are tainted by sin, correct.

Tend towards falling apart. Just in general because that's how sin works is we, we, we start creating chaos. So that starts degrading the walls of this relationship. Correct. So what does the Bible teach us about this and how we might fix that? [00:06:00] 

Well, that's why Jesus came. Yeah. It's one of the primary things he did to set us free from the effects of sin.

So, uh, the topics addressed everywhere. In the New Testament. So that means it's very pertinent to followers of Jesus. And so I'd like to focus on the book of Ephesians. And you look at Ephesians and the most practical teaching on parenting is found in chapter six, the second half of the book, right? The, the most practical teaching on how to be married is found in chapter five, which is the second half

of the book, the most practical teaching on how to get along with other people with coworkers is in the second half of the book, how to have a healthy faith community and get along with other believers. Is in the second half of the book. And this is important to understand is that all of this really practical teaching is predicated on the [00:07:00] upstream principles articulated in chapters one and two.

And. If you get rid of those, if you don't understand the theology and the doctrine and chapters one and two, then you tend not to understand the power of the practical teaching in the last half of this letter that Paul wrote. 

So where we is, that where we're going to be looking at today is the first two chapters.

Are we going to be looking at something else in Ephesians? 

Well, I'd like to start with Ephesians chapter four, where he makes this big pivot. Okay. And from all the doctrinal teaching, but we cause we've dug into that before. 

I mean, it's basically the upstream thing we've been talking about, right. He basically lays out, these are the upstream principles you need to know of.

And then he's like, this is how you deal with the downstream. Once you've established the upstream stuff. So one and two are, is basically upstream. And now we're moving into the back half of [00:08:00] the book of Ephesians. Where he basically says here's some downstream things that you might look at. 

Right. Exactly.

And so let me begin verse one of chapter four, and you'll kind of notice what he's talking about. Okay. Okay. And here's what it says as a prisoner for the Lord then, so whenever, whenever he talks this way, he's pivoting from everything he just taught. And he's saying as a prisoner of the Lord, then I urge you.

So now he's saying, okay, this is how you should live in the downstream. Live a life worthy of the calling you've received. And the calling that you've received is articulated in chapters one and two verse two, be completely humble. So he says, look, you can, you need to be humble because if you're prideful, then you don't get the doctrine and teaching in chapters one and two.

Right. It's by grace. We're saved through faith. This not of ourselves. It's not a result of work. So listen, anybody can boast. So he says be humble and gentle. Be patient, bearing with one another in [00:09:00] love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body, one spirit just as you were called to one hope when you were called one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God, and father of all who is overall and through all and in all.

And. So I want to stop there because first you see a list of human qualities that are necessary for healthy relationships. He says, be humble, be gentle, be patient, bearing with one another in love. So these are qualities that human beings can exhibit. And these qualities always invest, build, and encourage healthy relationships.

So that's a really good thing. And what's interesting is that those qualities are biblical qualities. These are derived from God himself, and yet you can be an atheist who doesn't believe in God, practice those [00:10:00] qualities, and you're going to improve your relationships. 

Well, I mean, you see that even in some of these leadership books that are like, be a better leader or be a better husband or whatever, they, they touch on these things.

But the. Like, they're not there. It's one of those things again, where it's like in been kind of stolen from the Bible and then they're like, oh, here's this wisdom I have for you. And it's like, you just took that out of the Bible and 

just rewrote it. 

Yeah. It's really not, you know, your wisdom at all, but what's interesting about this is he jumps down.

We can jump down to verse 20 because, uh, once you go verses six all the way through 19, he talks about the church. Okay. And, but, but it's verse 20 where he actually talks about how the tant influences then these relationships. So, so we all know, and just like these people who are always saying, write these books, Maybe or non-biblical, they're just saying, oh, servant leadership is the thing.

And my, [00:11:00] my always my, the way my brain works is really odd. And that is that when somebody says something, the first thing I think of is, well, where did that come from? Because the efficacy of what you're trying to teach or, or, you know, postulate. Is built upon a premise in everything we do is built on assumptions or unspoken premise.

And one of the things is that we, if we don't understand that, then we can really misinterpret. We can really misunderstand. And we can think we're doing a good thing and it's really a bad thing. So I always ask my question. It's a question of derivation. Well, where did that come from? And every single time someone says, well, servant leadership.

And I'm like, oh goodness gracious. You guys that, you know, it's so funny because they say, and this is the way business ought to be. And that it, and I go, that is not that isn't just a Christian concept. That is a uniquely Christian concept. It only is taught in Christianity. And so, you know, to try to secularize, it is a joke.

You can't do [00:12:00] it. And here's why verse 20, listen to what he says. That however is not the way you have life you learn. So there's a new way of life. Okay. And he just said in verses, uh, kind of 18, 19. 17, 18, 19, and he says, look, the Gentiles live this way. It's filled with malice and hatred and division and, and you need don't live that way.

He says you did not learn that way of life. When you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus, you were taught with regard to your former way of life to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires. So if, if I write a book that says, Hey, servant leadership is all the rage.

And I try to, to dilute Christianity and its uniquely Christian principle out of it and say, well, just be a servant leadership. You're, you're opening up yourself to a toxic environment to be taken advantage of, to be manipulated because there's no understanding of [00:13:00] what real servant leadership is and what it

does. Perfect example of this is in parenting, you know, and that is, is that parents exist to. Uh, to educate and to grow and to mature their children. And in the sixties and seventies, this uniquely Christian, right, ethic of children are our future. They're highly valued, more important became they tried to dilute it and get rid of the influence of Christianity.

And it became that your children are perfect beings and don't tell them what to do. Don't give them boundaries. Don't tell them they ever do anything wrong. Tell them they're perfect. And what our society did is raise an entire generation of highly insecure, self- centered narcissists. And that's what happens when you take these unique downstream,

principles or techniques and you divorce them from the upstream value. Every single time it creates toxicity, not health.

Well, I mean, it's very [00:14:00] similar to you take that principle and you use it in medicine, right? Like doctors aren't like, yo take this, but like take some water. Like, I mean, there are some medicines you do this with, but in general, if they prescribe you something, they don't want you to go home and say, Well, I know he told me to take a full dose of this, but I'm going to like take half of it and dilute the other half with water or take it all back the same results.

Right. Or take it all, or do whatever. 

When people do that with antibiotics, they think, well, I can just speed through this. So I'm just, I'm going to triple my and people are powering down and doctors are like, dude, you're killing yourself. Stop that. Don't do that. 

So, I mean, it's a very similar concept where it's like, if you go away from the original context and what the prescription was and where it was from, and you start doing modifications to it, you can't expect the same results that it promises.

Like that's not a fit. You can't, you can't hold it accountable. And in fact usually is detrimental to you. You, it does something weird. 

Because [00:15:00] in, in secular is, um, uh, human beings don't sin or make mistakes. You see in atheism human beings don't send or make mistakes. So it's only in Christianity where we say, look, you are created in the image of God.

So you're, there's so many of your drives and your desires and your dreams and your hopes and your aspirations that are a reflection of this image of God in you. Right? So when I look at my life and all the things that I want to do and the life I want to live. I look at that is a part of being created in God's image.

It's awesome. You know, I want my life to matter and I want to be able to go out and make a difference and I want to love people. Well, and I want to have good friends and I want to eat some really good meals and I want to have some really great naps and I want to, I want to do, I want to have adventures and all this comes from God's image in me.

You know, I want to admire beauty. I see, uh, landscapes I've never seen before. You know, I want to sell a boat across the ocean. I want to fly a plane through the sky. I want to, this is all God's [00:16:00] image in me, but while I'm pursuing this adventure, I'm pursuing love. I'm pursuing life. I can never forget that I'm tainted by sin.

And that impacts all of that. See, and that's what he's saying. He's saying, look, uh, he's referencing the taint and its influence on our relationships in verses 20, 22, 23 and 24, where he says you're being corrupted by the deceitful desires by your flesh or this part of you that's tainted by sin. So you need to be made new in the attitude of your mind.

And to put on a new self, created to be like, God, in true righteousness and holiness. So here we see them referencing the taint, right? And he says, look, it's going to influence your relationships. So whenever you pursue love and you want to have it, uh, uh, uh, you know, you want a romance that lasts a lifetime.

You want to love someone really well, and you want it to be just incredible experience. Guess what? Part of you will corrupt that. And part of [00:17:00] you can have a new attitude in your mind to create a healthy thing. And so it's very important to understand that our taint has a huge impact on unity or love in your marriage or your dating life or all of these types of things.

And notice what he says that you can overcome the influence of the taint by being made new in the attitude of your mind. This is a very short phrase, but it is probably one of the most power-packed phrases. The Paul writes, you see the phrase means that there is a mindset, which means you must choose. So I must choose to be a good friend.

Right. If I want friends, I got to choose to be a good friend. I need to, if I want to have a good marriage, I have to choose to value being a good spouse. If I want a healthy family that raises healthy kids. And I must [00:18:00] choose to be a good parent. If I want to go and have a career where I liked my coworkers and I like where I work and I have, I feel good about what I'm doing, that I need to choose to be a good coworker.

I need to choose to be a good boss. To exercise your free will, which by the way, in atheism, secular humanism, and scientific materialism, that does not exist. In Islam, choosing is not free. Freedom of choice is not a high value. The whole name of a Muslim means to submit right, to get rid of it in Hinduism. You see it's all non-personal, there is no freedom to choose.

You're locked into a wheel paying for the sins that you committed in former lives. Okay, so Christianity enhances and values your freedom to choose. And so the first thing Paul says is that you need to choose that. Okay. Then the second thing he says, cause it's in your mind, he says it's an attitude in your [00:19:00] mind.

So what exactly is an attitude? Well, in an attitude is a specific frame of reference. Or in other words, it's a pair of glasses or lens that you see what's going on in front of you, through. You, we all have the same facts, right. Of something going on, but your attitude tells you how to interpret the facts.

So for instance, you're at work. Okay. And, uh, your work loses a major client. All right. And so now that's really going to hurt the bottom line there. Aren't going to be any bonuses at Christmas time this year. Well, this is a fact. But it's your attitude that tells you how to respond to that fact? Some people blame their coworkers.

It's it's their fault because they're inept, but other people have the attitude that says, you know what? We made a mistake. We failed. But now as an opportunity for us to get better as a team, to be stronger as a team, well, let's evaluate what we did wrong, where we [00:20:00] dropped the ball and then let's fix that so we can get new clients and then we can get, um, a better as a team.

Right. So see, it's your attitude. The fact doesn't change. We lost a client because of our failure. Everybody knows that, but it's your attitude towards it? That makes all the difference. That's what Paul says there. He says in the attitude of your mind, make your choice and then you need to adjust your attitude. Do you have a conflict in your marriage?

Well, guess what, everybody who's ever gotten married or everybody's dated anybody, you know, you're going to have a conflict and you're going to have a conflict over something important. You know, conflicts become big conflicts, not over little things, but they tend to be a difference in values or a difference in, uh, uh, perception of how things are.

I mean, they can be big things. Well, if you don't see your conflict through the [00:21:00] right attitude, it can tear you apart. You see your attitude is going to cause you to fight about it until you get your way. Your attitude tells you that if I don't win this power play in my relationship, then I'm a failure. Right.

If I can't control my husband until he does the, the way I want, then I'm a failure and he doesn't love me. Well, that's your attitude telling you to do that? It it's. So the key is, is that, have I chosen my goal? The thing I value, and now my adjusting my attitude towards that goal? Because you know what you can say, look, your attitude can easily say, look, we obviously have a conflict.

We do not see eye to eye on this. So. What w w can we choose to resolve this in a way that pulls us together instead of pulling us apart? You see, that's an attitude, that you you say is that, yeah, we have a conflict over this. Let's try to resolve it in a way that makes us [00:22:00] partners instead of antagonists against each other.

So Paul packs a bunch of power in that, he says, put off the old self, the, in the w how taint the taint influences your, your romantic relationships or your coworker relationships or your friendships, and then ask how do we resolve this conflict in a way? That pulls us together and strengthens our relationship instead of pulls it apart, because what the society does is lies to you and says, well, guess what, you're perfect.

And all you gotta do is find perfect people. And then you're going to be really happy because your relationships will be perfect. That's just a bunch of baloney. It's just not true because we're all imperfect. We've all been what tainted. Right? Right. So a lot of times our dreams and aspirations are, are good because they're a reflection, right,

of God's image in us. But the tank comes in and warps those instead of pulling them towards a health, and towards beauty, [00:23:00] and towards love, and patience, and kindness, and just all this wonderful stuff that causes human beings to thrive. Uh, the tank comes in and wants to pull it towards chaos and conflict.

Uh, it wants it's called entropy, you know, things break down over time. They fall apart. So, uh, if you have a teenager and your teenager and you are not getting along, there's a big problem. Well, your attitude is going to determine how you approach this problem. You see, that's a big deal. So. He says, you must put off your old self and you must be made new in the attitude of your mind.

Okay. So how are you made new in the attitude of your mind? Look at verse 24, he says by putting on your new self, which is created by God, in true righteousness and holiness. So the way I change my, the attitude of my mind is I spend my energy putting on my new self. Right. So I gotta know what that is. And I got to be around [00:24:00] other people who encourage that.

And right there is why most people never put on the new self. They don't know what it is. They don't spend any time talking to God, reading their Bible, uh, finding out what real virtues are, what they do is the biblical virtues. They spend all their time thinking, well, this is the way God ought to do it, which is just them selfishly imposing their attitude on God.

Never works. Never works. It just causes frustration and aggravation in your life. And he says, but the way you become healthier, the way you become a better friend, a better person to date, a better dater, a better married person, a better lover, a better parent, a better friend, a better boss, a better coworker is by learning how to put on the new self.

So you've got to know what it is and then you got to start doing it. And then he gets in verse 25, really specific. Okay. Look at what he does in verse 25. He goes, therefore, each of you must put off falsehood and [00:25:00] speak truthfully to your neighbor for we are all members of one body. In your anger, do not sin.

Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. Do not give the devil a foothold. Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work. Doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need. And notice what he says. You must be made new in the attitudes of your mind by putting on your new self.

Okay. Well, how do I put on my new self? He goes, well, you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor. Now here's a verse that I often hear quoted completely out of context. People with the teaching gift, uh, preaching gifts, sometimes a prophetic gift use this verse to justify their abrasive behavior and how they treat you.

Right. Right. I've got a truth for you and I'm going to go, you need to hear this. I know you don't want to hear it, but let me tell it to you. You know, the Bible says that we need to speak truth to one another in love and I'm like, yeah, you don't [00:26:00] have any idea what Paul's talking about in Ephesians 4: 25.

He says, each of you must put off falsehood, whose falsehood are you putting off? You still put off your own. 

Right. Put off other people's falsehoods. That is not what he says. 

Yeah. He's saying you need to put off your falsehood and then speak truthfully to your neighbor. Okay. So, so what's interesting here is what he's saying is.

I have to start with self- evaluation. I have to ask myself, am I mad? Am I annoyed? Do I have a right to be, um, why is this bothering me so much? Do some self evaluation first. This is why we do the Lord's supper every week, because it says in first Corinthians, Paul says, whenever you practice the Lord's supper, a man must examine himself.

So whenever I, whenever you're practicing communion every week, that is a very important point of worship for you to say, okay, where did I get [00:27:00] mad? And I should have been mad. Where are my expectations unrealistic? Why, why does this situation bother me so much? Self-reflection self-examination. Is the path to freedom,

happiness, and joy. People who are unable to self-reflect, an able to examine their own motives, are people who are miserable. They're mean they're angry. They are locked in the taint and its effect on all of their relationships. So listen to the power of Paul's words here. He's teaching. Actual path to freedom and to joy, into healthy things in our families and our marriages and our, in our places of work and all across the board, he says, and that's why he talks about anger immediately after this, you see if we don't know ourselves and where we are at, guess what?

We're always angry. You know, we have expectations of others that are never met. We're angry. We have expectations of [00:28:00] God that are never met. We're angry. So one of the things is that we can be perpetually blaming others, perpetually feeling like a victim, uh, even a victim of God, because God, you're all powerful.

Why don't you fix this and save this. But this verse contradicts that at. It says that attitude is not a biblical attitude. This is why he immediately addresses anger because anger is always a secondary emotion. People are not aware of this, but it's a, it's not a primary emotion. It's always secondary to an initial,

uh, emotion. Like maybe rejection or hurt or disappointment, and then we get mad, right. Or injustice, you know, and then we get mad. You see, it's a secondary emotion and this is what self-examination does. Laying aside falsehood is it allows you to find your original or the primary emotion first. And that that's what it does is it really helps you.

So now listen to how he kind of ends this off, which I think is really strong verse 29. Do not let unwholesome talk, come out of your mouth, but only what is [00:29:00] helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen and do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption, get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger, brawling, and slander along with every form of malice.

Be kind and compassionate to one another forgiving one another because God and Christ Jesus forgave. So he finishes with this really powerful, just the way we talk to each other and the way we can put away bitterness, we can put away rage. We don't have to live in anger, brawling, and slander and malice.

We don't have to live in those things anymore. That hinder. Healthy relationships. We can now embrace healthy, strong relationships. And if you're a guy, this is the path to having a great life adventure. It's a path to having a great passionate, you know, romance for your whole life. It's about having great success at work.

It's having a sense of [00:30:00] meaning and value in your. Women. This is the path for you to be totally affirmed and a place of security, a place of knowing that you're valued for who you are. You don't have to pose or act or be something you're not. All of this comes down to the underlying assumption that we find who we are in Jesus, not the world.

And we understand that our drives are a reflection of God's image, but the taints influenced them. And we better know that. And so that we can build healthy relationships in spite of the taint. 

Well, those are some great things that we studied today in a Fusion's. Cause I think that's a, it's just sort of a basic overview.

They give us on how you should be dealing with conflict in any kind of relationship. And I think that's, what's important about this. Um, what I love about this series is this is not just for married people. This is not just for dating people, but this is information that works in your, your work life, your friend, life, your neighborhood, life, all, you know, [00:31:00] parenting, all of that.

These are, these are skills that will help you in all of those things. And the Bible laid them out thousands of years ago. And. Well, my, my high school band director was like, I get paid just to point things out that you see on the page already. Like when you're reading sheet music, he's like, all I'm telling you to do is read the sheet and do what it says.

That's what I'm paid to do. And I feel like sometimes that's your job as a pastor. It's all in the Bible. I'm just telling you to read it slightly differently so that you get what you're supposed to get out of it. 

So none of this is my idea, right? 

It's all from the Bible. So we are here to just be your guides and, and let you find and discover who you are in Christ.

So we're so excited that you guys joined us today. Um, again, please leave. Um, if you have any questions for Pastor Doug, um, or things you'd like to hear us talk about, leave a comment on the YouTube, videos, um, or as a review and we'll get around to those. Yeah. I'm bring them up in future podcasts, but we're [00:32:00] really excited.

You guys are joining us and we'll see you here on Thursday on the Salty Pastor Podcast 

Blessings.