Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
Diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder at age 36, Emma and her system share what they learn along the way about DID, dissociation, trauma, and mental health. Educational, supportive, inclusive, and inspiring, System Speak documents her healing journey through the best and worst of life in recovery through insights, conversations, and collaborations.
Over:
Speaker 2:Welcome to the System Speak Podcast,
Speaker 3:a podcast about Dissociative Identity Disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to longtime listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
Speaker 2:I would like to document that I don't like this at all. Well Noted. Would you like to bow out and say we're done? And, also, I know that it's good for me, and we took a nice break several days. Several days.
Speaker 2:Several days. You had therapy in between. Yeah. That was really hard, but really good and also left me feeling really yucky.
Speaker 4:I'm sorry.
Speaker 2:I don't mean because things were open and she didn't, like, close it up. I mean, just the reality of it is yucky.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Okay. So we're continuing. What episode is this recap?
Speaker 4:This is episode number 63. It is Taylor responding to a trip home because of avoidance homework. Right. I forgot that
Speaker 2:was a thing. Yeah. Okay. Let's do it. Oh.
Speaker 2:Ready? Are you ready for it? You started it
Speaker 1:on I'm so
Speaker 2:I'm sorry. You started it on beat to the song. That was amazing.
Speaker 4:I'm sorry.
Speaker 1:Terrifying. And it's making the notebook really hard to do and to keep journaling between sessions because more and more stuff is getting puked out like furballs. And it's it's really it's really hard then to keep that blurry line more solid between now time and memory time, especially when we do something like go to the old cabin in Missouri. Like, the cabin in Missouri where we went this weekend, like, it's not even a cabin. It's like a condo thing.
Speaker 1:Right? So we inherited it when the mother died, but we grew up going there all the time. Like, every weekend when we were little, almost, we went there.
Speaker 4:Just a minute. That was amazing.
Speaker 2:That oh, sorry. That was ice. Okay. Here's what's interesting. First of all, since this, we have let go of the cabin and just signed it over to our brother.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Which I think was the right decision, all things and safety considered. And also, we went to that cabin maybe every weekend sometimes, definitely every other weekend during the years that we were little and living there. I think it was my mother's way of getting away before she was allowed to divorce because of the times then and what it was like to get divorced then and also because of oppression against women and also because she was already in shiny happy land even before shiny happy was a thing. Yeah.
Speaker 2:And so when her family literally would not let her get divorced, like told her she could not and that they would not help her if she did. I think this was her flight.
Speaker 4:Mhmm. If I remember correctly, you say that coming up.
Speaker 2:Oh, interesting. Or something about that. Interesting. So it's interesting because we have very good memories from playing here mostly,
Speaker 4:but
Speaker 2:my mother could not get divorced until she moved out of state. Yeah. Do I say that?
Speaker 4:I don't know if you say that on this. I've heard that somewhere before.
Speaker 1:But
Speaker 2:Okay. So I think this was her flight for a season. That was all she had to get away. And it wasn't until years later that she was like, no. Like, and there were some specific incidents that led up to that that I don't wanna talk about right now.
Speaker 2:But she had to leave the state, like, literally moved a thousand miles away to be able to get divorced. And even that almost was disrupted because he found us and he came and moved with us, but only for a very few months until that was way worse because he did not have his support even in a stabilizing way because all of his family was still in Arkansas, and she did not have, like, an escape. So, basically, he had never at that point really held a job. She helped him get an IT job. And then basically had to do the mental workload of getting him stable enough for her to leave.
Speaker 2:Again. Again. So those are sort of like the historical layers happening here, but what's wild in hindsight now is looking back on me reenacting that of me trying so hard to do mixed orientation marriage where he was at least kind and gentle. Right? And a good friend.
Speaker 2:And even if I like, I was so happy to find him and so happy to find someone that was not going to hurt me. And he is kind and hilarious. And so, like, there was a legit delight in that. Right? And I thought if I had faith enough or I could be good enough or righteous enough or whatever enough, shiny happy enough, that that would be enough.
Speaker 2:Like, because I didn't know what I know now, not just historically or about the church or myself, but that I couldn't just undo gayness. Like, was still every single person in my life to that point had told me that this is behavioral. This is a problem. You are bad for even thinking this. You are bad, much worse bad for acting on it.
Speaker 2:And so it's like if I don't do it, if I don't think it, if I go with this safe person and be good enough for that, then it makes all of this go away.
Speaker 4:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:And, I mean, that's basically what conversion and reparative therapy are. Yes. Except that. Like acting on it aside, sex aside, to deny parts of myself, even just in the experience of who I am, meant I could not stay present. Right.
Speaker 2:Because it was not a relationship that fit me or was healthy for me. Even though I do not at all mean disrespect to Nathan or any disparagement there or that he was anything but kind. So what that looked like in practicality was doing the same thing my mother did even though the circumstances were different. I found jobs that required me to be away overnight working in hospitals as chaplain or as a therapist. I found jobs that took me away for weeks or months at a time from my family.
Speaker 2:I like, I was always in flight, and I don't think I realized that until now. And it wasn't until like, that gave me enough it's like that gave me enough space and room to negotiate. I can do this for a few days if I can just go breathe for a few days. I never ever in those times away or for work or anything like that ever did anything inappropriate or pursued any relationships or had any kind of anything. But to just be out of the context of what now I know is masking.
Speaker 4:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Right? We were just talking about that the other day. And now that I understand that as a framework of masking and further dissociating not amongst parts, but from expression and identity, when I could not escape anymore or when I had escaped enough to breathe, then it was like, I I can't keep coming back and remasking.
Speaker 4:Yeah. Like, having to go back to that again was more difficult or painful.
Speaker 2:Right. Like, there was a season when there was such a necessity because we were co parenting and there were different kinds of crises. And so it was working for a season of at least I'm doing this good here. But, like, once the kids didn't care about that or things were not life and death or our relationships with the children changed because they were older and they had more independence and didn't need me there in a physical way, like, what they mean now are relationships and conversations. They don't need me to tie their shoes and cut their food.
Speaker 2:And so as that shifted and I the need for me to be there went down, it became less possible for me to stay in that space, and they weren't really wanting what I had to offer anyway. Yeah. And so I think even moving here, not even thinking about the future other than I wanted to be close to you. Moving here is part of what broke me out of that spell of, just can't go back. I just can't go back.
Speaker 2:And so Nathan having moved out in 2019, '20 '20, and then me leaving the family two years ago, Now it's been almost five years we have not been together. And two years I have not lived with the family. And two years of the kids going back and forth in ways that they are choosing and they are comfortable. We just moved one back to Oklahoma this weekend. They're like, I miss my brothers.
Speaker 2:I wanna go their own stuff. That's what they need. Okay. Let's do it. Get you on a plane and there you go.
Speaker 2:So like it's unsettling and it feels sometimes a lot of times a bit chaotic because the kids are kind of back and forth, like not just on this is scheduled visitation, but like, oh, no, this is happening today. Okay. Just gonna roll with it. But I'm so much better, and I'm so much healthier and happier. Yeah.
Speaker 4:That matters.
Speaker 2:I'm sorry. That went way off track. That's okay. Did we even make it one minute? I'm sorry.
Speaker 2:Was that too boring? I can cut all of
Speaker 3:that out.
Speaker 4:Not at all. Boring. We made it exactly one minute
Speaker 2:That's hilarious. In one second. I'm sorry. No. Such Here's why it's important, though, because it's about undaydreaming and undissociating.
Speaker 2:I cannot pretend that's not who I am. I cannot mask that anymore. And I can't church, Nathan, childhood aside, I can no longer do to myself this shiny, happy thing of part of me is not okay and does not have permission to be expressed. Right. That's not okay
Speaker 4:with me anymore. Which tying it back was what your mother was stuck in as well. Yes. When you were growing up.
Speaker 2:So I'm not just reenacting my stuff. I'm literally reenacting her stuff. Yeah. That's the problem with dissociation. It's not even my contract, it's her contract.
Speaker 2:Mhmm. But because those were my rules, I put myself under them and then applied them everywhere and didn't know that that was not okay.
Speaker 4:Right. And now you have found yourself in a contract that was so very similar to your mother. In very different ways, important ways, I think, that are different, but also a lot of similarities.
Speaker 2:My mother loved Nathan. Mhmm. Like, it was a little bit gross. Yeah. She offered several times to take him if I didn't want to.
Speaker 2:It was super awkward. So awkward. It really was. But yes. Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Right? Mhmm. So healthier. He was kind. He was safe in those ways, but it was not being myself.
Speaker 2:Right. And it was oppressive.
Speaker 4:And feeling like you did not have space to be yourself nor were you okay to be yourself. Like, that was the problem. It's who you were was the problem.
Speaker 2:And I was bad for even thinking about it.
Speaker 4:Okay. Are you ready?
Speaker 1:Long before, like, Branson was anything and when Branson only had, like, the public palace and waltzing waters before it's the crazy showdown that it is now. And we weren't going there for the shows. We went there, I think, to get away from the family. I think our mother was trying in that way. Oh, there you go.
Speaker 1:So We would go there, but she would either stay in her room or, like, kind of overdose on pills and sleep all weekend. And so
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah.
Speaker 1:Those weekends in Branson were, like, the best pieces of our childhood probably because we can romp around outside and play in the woods and by the lake and everything with our brother be without, like, any trauma or drama because our father wasn't there, our mother was asleep, and no one cared. Like, there was no, like
Speaker 2:That goes back to the deprivation piece. Right. Like, thinking, oh, this is good because nothing bad is happening, but there is no one parenting us. Yeah.
Speaker 4:Can I that feels a little bit like your marriage, nothing bad was happening? So it was good even though
Speaker 2:There was deprivation.
Speaker 4:Not malicious. Right. But not the kind of reciprocity relationship you needed. Is that
Speaker 2:too much? No. That's hard. Of all the random things, I remember someone in the church giving me this blessing once and talking about how when I found my husband, he would be someone who never harmed me or my children the way I had been harmed. And then after the blessing, he was really shocked that he had said that during the blessing.
Speaker 2:This is like laying on your hands kind of prayer blessing. And he followed that up with, like, after the blessing when we were just talking, he followed that up with, I don't know how you're going to find a husband. I don't know how you're going to what did he say? I don't know how you're going to find someone who can, a, give you permission to do what you do in your life. Meaning, because, like, I worked and women aren't supposed to work and things like that.
Speaker 2:And b, who can keep up with you. Meaning, like, I do things. Right? Like, I get
Speaker 4:things done. Maybe sometimes too many things.
Speaker 2:Right? But no one addressed that. It was just you're bad for trying, and I pity that you have to have this effort of finding someone who would deign to permit you to do what you're doing. And so when it was another way when I found Nathan that, like, so that's great. I mean, he is very caring, but you know what I mean?
Speaker 2:It's that deprivation again. He was not hurting me
Speaker 4:and that is good. In your in your history, that was what good and safe meant.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 4:The absence of harm, active harm.
Speaker 2:I've thought about that a lot over the generations too because well, I don't wanna talk about that right now. Come back to that another day. Okay.
Speaker 4:Are you ready? Yes.
Speaker 1:Getting locked up or getting hurt or being hurt or anything like that. Was just we were completely on our own. Probably to a neglectful degree.
Speaker 2:Oh, there we go.
Speaker 1:We're adults. You got it. It's not like today where the children can't even play in the street without one of us being out there. So I really have mixed feelings because may
Speaker 2:Sorry. I'm stopping again, but that means we're not neglecting them
Speaker 4:Right.
Speaker 2:In the same way. We also don't hover too much, I don't think, mostly, but they were not neglected the same. Right. Even now that they're older and have more independence and, like, they can go to the park even if I'm not going to the park, it's also like be home at this time or check-in. Not that you have to stay home, but check-in or Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Let me know what you're doing or if I can help or if you need anything or food will be ready as opposed to I'll see you Monday when it's time to go home.
Speaker 4:Yeah. Yeah. You're not doing that.
Speaker 2:That's a relief. One star on the chart of getting something right.
Speaker 1:Yeah. That was a safe place to start, and maybe that is exactly right and what we need to be talking about. But it's also so scary because if we talk about those things, then we've gotta talk about other things. And I don't know what else is gonna come up or what else is gonna come out.
Speaker 2:I'm saying And so
Speaker 1:I have, like, as much anxiety about that and feeling like I'm losing control of what's getting filtered or not filtered that I don't even know what to do about it. So so this weekend brought up a lot for us because of being in that place and all of the memories there, except they're not necessarily bad memories, and that's kind of the first time for that to happen. And so I don't know if that's what, like, drew Emma to go or if it's because Don was trying to run because we were talking about so much stuff and that's just where she ran or I don't know. But, like, I don't even know how it happened because it was not at all planned. It was completely spur of the moment.
Speaker 1:But we did it somehow functional enough that we went with reservations to the cabin, like we could actually get into our cabin and we went with the whole family. We weren't on our own or running away exactly or maybe we were, but we took them with us. But that's different than hiding or disappearing. So somehow it was more functional and the memories that we had were good ones and maybe it's because the therapist asked us about, I don't know I don't know how she asked it because I wasn't there, but she asked something. I saw it in the notebook.
Speaker 1:She asked something about anything good from the parents. And so I don't know if just thinking so much.
Speaker 2:That's the shiny happy stuff. She was in that shiny happy church.
Speaker 4:And so she's trying to get you to focus on positive?
Speaker 2:Good things. Like, it wasn't all bad. Right? Like, I'm sorry. Couldn't help you with that sooner.
Speaker 2:Like, good things. And it's interesting because I have fought for a long time we didn't process anything from the notebook, but there are a few times where I have said explicitly on these OG episodes, we talked about this thing. So I know that we did some Mhmm. But she still had the notebooks and we didn't talk about everything. And also we were only a year in, so that makes sense.
Speaker 2:Like, I have a better framework of that, but there was a lot of redirecting negativity into toxic positivity. Yeah. That really culminated for me after Africa, which is like a whole different thing I do wanna talk about sometime, but not right now. But I think Africa is what broke my shelf with her. Yeah.
Speaker 2:The way that was handled. I think even navigating the overlapping social circle from rural America, we could have we were capable of handling those boundaries. And I think she could have. I don't think it was about that. I think it was about what happened when we came back from Africa.
Speaker 2:That's what broke my shelf.
Speaker 4:Yeah. Well, maybe even beginning before with the encouragement of going. Also that. I
Speaker 2:do wanna talk about that. I have just relistened to the Africa episodes and put them back up. Including Mary's because she only spoke briefly. I did not yet put up the one where we talk with Mary before we go to Africa just because it was such a kid episode and I'm feeling protective right now. But she was, after we got back from Africa and she went to therapy with me that day, she talked briefly and then I talked with Nathan about it.
Speaker 2:I have put those episodes back up. But also the interpreter that was with us on that trip and helped get us out, like she literally saved our lives. I have spoken to her and she is going to be on the podcast with me to talk about what That's a big deal. It's a really big deal.
Speaker 4:That episode, you might wanna give me a heads up when you're recording it just so we can make sure you're okay. Not as a rescuing, but just have a second set of eyes on you. Is that okay? Yeah.
Speaker 2:Because we haven't.
Speaker 4:It's gonna bring up a lot of things. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 2:I also am gonna have to do a lot of editing because I don't want it to be just trauma for trauma's sake. Right. And scare people listening on the But it was a now time trauma. Yeah. When she was telling me, now time is safe.
Speaker 2:Now time is safe. Here, go do this thing. Basically, here's the shiny. Okay. We're gonna talk about this.
Speaker 2:Okay. I'm sorry about this episode. That's not getting finished. Avoiding avoidance. Yes.
Speaker 2:Say that to my therapist all the time. I'm like, I so don't wanna talk about that thing that this is why we're talking about this thing.
Speaker 4:Okay.
Speaker 2:Always negotiating. Yeah. I do not wanna talk about this thing, but I would rather talk about this thing than that thing.
Speaker 4:Because, yeah. Okay. Right? Yeah. So get the fast and dirty version of what you realized about.
Speaker 2:Fast and dirty. Oh, sorry. What is that? Never mind. Okay.
Speaker 2:Now I forgot what I was gonna say. Sorry. Africa. Africa. In a shiny, happy way, you will do better.
Speaker 2:You will feel better. You will function better if you are serving, if you are doing good things. Giving yourself away will make you feel better and more at peace and happier. And that was part of literally sending me into the lion's den to use a biblical reference. And then Africa happened, and it was terrible.
Speaker 2:Africa is not terrible. I know good and wonderful people in Africa still to this That trip and what happened was awful. Mhmm. We nearly died. Things happened.
Speaker 2:Things happened. And then coming back and we had one session to process. You had one session? We had one session, basically had one session to process. And at the end, we're like telling her like now time trauma, this happened and this happened and this happened happened and the interpreter is there like confirming, no, like they're not making this up.
Speaker 2:Because our story of what happened there is so wild. It is like childhood trauma where like no one would ever believe if we said this and this and this is what happened. Right. But I have videos, I have pictures, like the embassy has it, like all the things. And at the end of that session, basically said, but you're going back.
Speaker 2:Right? Mhmm. You're still gonna serve. Right? You're still gonna go white savior those little black babies.
Speaker 2:And this is with Mary in the room. And Mary's like, that's a racist thing to say.
Speaker 4:Good for her.
Speaker 2:But it it broke my shelf. And there was no tending to it in the sessions after. And basically, she was like, see, you're better. So come to our retreat and you're about done with therapy. And we're like, we were just getting started.
Speaker 4:And you just had this whole new now time drama. Yeah.
Speaker 2:That's what broke my shelf, I think. I think I was already I hear in the OG episodes me starting to give nuance caveats of, I really like this therapist. I can tell she can stay. And also this piece is bothering me. And this piece is bothering me.
Speaker 2:And more and more very subtle, these things are bothering me. This doesn't feel good, but I still think it's my fault. And I'm trying to navigate it. So like the MS top 10 episode, which was like basically a farewell, basically trying to do what she said of here are all the good things, like exactly what she said right there in this episode of, but what about the good? Right?
Speaker 2:Here are all the things I'm having of like, this doesn't feel good in therapy that this is happening. So, oh, those are my doubts, which are like demons. So cast out the demons by focusing on the good things and the things of God. So Emma's top 10 is here are all the good things about this therapist, focus on the good things of this therapist. Cast out your demon doubts.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:And then basically a month later, Africa happens and it broke my shelf because I was in physical danger and there was not attending to that. Right.
Speaker 4:Now time was not safe. And there was no acknowledgment of that Right. Or attempt to make it safe. Right.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, that's gonna be a fun episode Yeah. When we talk to that TERP. Yeah. That's what they call TERP. TERP.
Speaker 2:Okay. Back to this episode I'm avoiding. I feel it approaching, and it's making me
Speaker 4:Mhmm. Squirming.
Speaker 1:About that or trying to identify something good and going to the cabin was our good. And so we ended up actually physically there, which
Speaker 2:Okay. I'm sorry. I'm already stopping. Did you hear it? Mhmm.
Speaker 2:I'm sorry all these things happened to you, but the cabin's really nice. Right. I'm sorry all this abuse or trauma and deprivation is happening, but you're free to play in the woods.
Speaker 4:No one's gonna lock you up in the woods.
Speaker 2:Well, actually oh, nope. Okay. Play. Keep going.
Speaker 1:Like, three hours or four hours from our house. Twelve hours if you have six children in the van with you. So I'm not sure what happened, and I'm trying to piece it together. And I know I'm rambling a little bit, but I have to talk out loud about it to process it. And I need to figure out what happened because it wasn't entirely bad.
Speaker 1:It's like, do we share memories a little bit except they were good ones, and so it was, like, a safe way to practice that? Like, are we developing skills at that? Or is it more like something malfunctioned, and I don't know why we went to Missouri? Or is it just everything's chill, and we also went to Missouri? I really don't know.
Speaker 1:What I do know is that
Speaker 2:I'm sorry. Short. I just wanna hold space for protectors.
Speaker 4:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Not always having the answers. Yeah. Like Taylor is seeing these pieces clearly and still isn't sure what to do. Yeah. And I appreciate that because there's so many times in my life where I'm like, okay, given the information I have, I'm gonna do my best with it.
Speaker 2:And sometimes we get that wrong, sometimes really wrong, sometimes a little bit wrong, sometimes just needs a redirection. But protectors are victims too. Yeah. Like protectors are trying so hard to keep us safe or to prevent further damage or danger or whatever is their jam. But we don't always know, and that is not because protectors are failing.
Speaker 2:That is a consequence of deprivation. I just needed to say that out loud. Thank you.
Speaker 1:They wrote a lot while we were there, and we had and we had a lot of time to think about things and to sort of let things sit in a safe way because we were in a place that's very triggering except we were also with the husband and with the children and between therapy, like literally after therapy and now before therapy and we haven't been home yet hardly. And so it was a safe time and space to sit in that environment. So it's almost like here's the part that's getting to me. And maybe it's a good thing, but here's what's, like, significant. It's almost like we did on the outside what's happening on the inside.
Speaker 1:Oh. Does that make sense? Like, externally, we went in a safe way at a safe time exposing ourselves to what was a little bit triggering, but not actually bad in a way, in a setting where we all kind of have memories in different ways and a way that sort of connects us both internally and externally. So there was this weird new level of co consciousness with some people. If I'm understanding co consciousness, like the therapist has been talking about it, We've been writing about it.
Speaker 1:It's been in group and in the workbook a little bit. And I think some of that was an example of it. Like there were a lot of us that were kind of aware that that's where we were and that that's what was going on and that we were having lots of memories from the past, but also that those memories were good ones. And so it wasn't that it was a bad week or that anything bad or wrong happened. It was just super trippy.
Speaker 1:Like, it really tripped me out, and I haven't quite recovered or feel fully present since then. The other thing that's happened in the last week at the same time as all of that going on is the Littles have been writing a lot about their time with the therapist. But as part of that, that they're talking about is about good touch and bad touch. Love Unconscious bad touch is in like getting hurt or abused, but specifically about unwanted touch. And I had never ever thought about that even like with our outside kids.
Speaker 2:Okay. I am pausing this because I want to add, I hope this is okay. If you feel like it's not okay, we can take it out, But I I mean, nothing exciting. Sorry. That was exciting.
Speaker 2:But we were teaching class last week, and I don't know if we talked about this in the podcast or just in group or we shouldn't talk about it because it happened in class. And I don't want to, like, say names or break confidentiality. So tell me if we need to take it out. But one of the therapists had this brilliant, brilliant insight about how we can talk about good touch and bad touch. But when there is trauma and deprivation, it's all sunburn.
Speaker 4:Oh, yeah. Yeah. So
Speaker 2:when you're sunburned, even if people are touching you appropriately in safe places, it still hurts. Like a safe hug from someone that you've contented to give a hug to or saying hello to or something. Right. It still hurts when it's sunburned. Right.
Speaker 2:I have not been able to get that image out of my mind. And she was specifically applying it to relational trauma and how it's hard to engage in relationships at all or to receive care. Right. Even in the therapeutic relationship because it all hurts. Yeah.
Speaker 2:And it's all scary even when it's safe.
Speaker 4:Yeah.
Speaker 2:But that reminded me and I wanted to make sure we said it somewhere. Mhmm. Was that a bad thing to share because it was from No.
Speaker 4:I think that's a brilliant thing to share.
Speaker 2:But it was so good. It helped me. I needed to hear that. Yeah. Are you I'm scared to keep pushing play.
Speaker 4:Like, I'm so nauseous. Well, this is definitely going to get into, I think, what you're worried about listening to.
Speaker 2:Great. Okay. Good touch, bad touch. How could that go wrong?
Speaker 4:Is there anything you wanna say or No. Process first? Okay. No. Okay.
Speaker 2:This is the part where I won't keep stopping it, and I can just be really quiet and never process any of it.
Speaker 4:So maybe I need to stop at some points in this if you're not going to. He's just gonna glaze over and let it all.
Speaker 2:It's fine. It's fine. It's great. Thank you for listening. Your support of the podcast, the workbooks, and the community means so much to us as we try to create something together that's never been done before, not like this.
Speaker 2:Connection brings healing, and you can join us on the community at www.systemsspeakcommunity.com. We'll see
Speaker 1:you there.