Do you wanna try that again?

Do you?

Well, yeah. Start over.

Okay. From the top. Welcome to the manual transmission.

I'm Monica.

And I'm Brad.

We've been business partners for almost thirty years.

And married for most of that.

Each week, this is kind of like our standing date. We sit down with a cup of coffee and a vinyl record and a conversation that we're curious about, and we don't necessarily come in with the answers, but just whatever we've been noticing in our lives or our work, our relationship. So the album, you know, gives us a rhythm, and the coffee gives us a place to start, but the curiosity does the rest. We listened to the album this week, Queen's Greatest Hits. It had some of the the best Queen songs ever.

The most iconic had We Will Rock You.

Do you think that greatest hits albums should be included in your top 25?

This feels like a an extra self imposed limitation that I'm not interested in.

Got it. K. Cool.

What are some of your favorite some of your favorite songs from the greatest hits

Well, I'm partial to Bohemian Rhapsody because I think that that was the song that introduced me, really introduced me to Queen, and it was through Wayne's World.

The nineties. Those were the best. Yeah. I have a I have a a more recent I have all kinds of memories. I think we all do attached to that song.

Mhmm.

Where were we? We were in a bar. It was part of the pub crawl we did with the kids and their friends in Scotland. Remember? And we were down in that basement of that bar Yes.

And the whole it was packed and everybody that song came on.

People were standing on the tables.

It was one of them.

You were one of the ones on the tables.

But it's such a shared experience when that song comes on. I think that's why we all love it.

I have video of that somewhere.

Oh, I wanna see.

Okay. I'll pull that up.

Maybe I don't wanna see. Might mess with my fun memory. In my mind, it was perfect.

It was a great night and, yeah. It was a good night.

The only song on there that I was like, I don't know about this song is the one you picked out to talk about which was the bicycle song.

You didn't know what you thought about it?

No. I just didn't. It's not one that I like go it comes on and I'm like, yeah. It comes on and I tolerate it. I want to ride my bicycle.

It's such a silly song, but like there's more meaning behind it. Right?

Right. Not to mention it was Freddie Mercury. So there was a lot of him just going, I am not gonna fit into this mold. It's usually paired with fat bottom girls, which is a great song as

That one's more fun to listen to. I like that song.

Notable for its video featuring a bicycle race with nude women at Wimbledon Stadium. It was written by Freddie Mercury and was inspired by watching the eighteenth stage of the nineteen seventy eight tour Yay. Nineteen seventy eight tour de France. It was called a jaunty theatrical tribute to bike riding.

It's like so one, two, three, four, five times the opening line, I want to ride my bicycle. I want to ride my bicycle. I want to ride my bike. I want to ride my bicycle. I want to ride it where I like.

And then it it goes on. It says, you say black. I say white. You say bark. I say bite.

You say shark, I say, hey, man. Jaws was never my scene, and I don't like Star Wars. Star Wars came out in 1978 '77.

So it was very relevant.

Yeah. So it's it's counterculture, basically. Yeah. You say roles. I say Royce.

You say, god, give me choice. You say, lord. I say Christ. I don't believe in Peter Pan, Frankenstein, or Superman. All I wanna do is bicycle, bicycle, bicycle.

And it goes on and on and on. I wanna run my bicycle. Bicycle races are coming your way, so forget all your duties. Oh, yeah. Fat bottom girls, they'll be riding today.

So look out for those beauties. Oh, yeah. On your marks, get set, go. Bicycle race. Bicycle race.

They say they say that a lot. You say Coke. I say Kane. You say John. I say Wayne.

Hot dog. I say cool it, man. Don't wanna be the president of America.

Age is Still relevant.

You say smile, I say cheese. Cartier, I say please. Income tax, I say Jesus. I don't wanna be a candidate for Vietnam or Watergate because all I wanna do is bicycle, bicycle. Bicycle.

So it's very popular counter pop Yeah. Political, like, youth

I just want to ride my bike.

Like, I'm not into

Leave me alone. And fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round.

Yeah. So I I think it was kind of shocking and kind of, like, permissive to say you don't have to go with the flow. You can be yourself. Yeah. It's a little controversial, I'm I'm sure, at the time.

I love the cover. Debbie, do you see that?

It has a a someone with some junk in their trunk riding a bike. So, anyway, it was it was fun to listen to that, album and fun to kinda see some of the counterculture of the times. The year I was born

That's right.

Is when that song was a hit when it came out.

So definitely a shift in tone and energy versus the albums we have been listening to.

For sure. And I think you did that at my request. I said I wanted something a little lighter, especially after we listened, to Nebraska.

And I grabbed something that we already had. Yeah. That we just haven't listened to.

But you're still stuck in the classics. I was I think we might move into something Tell

me where to go.

More modern.

Show me the direction.

I'm okay with the I love the classics. Think I listed, like, eight different people or bands last week when we talked.

Well, to be fair, it wasn't but a couple of weeks ago that we listened to Taylor Swift.

That's fair. Yeah. Not complaining. I'm I'm talking as we go forward. It'd be nice to fold in a more modern mix.

Which would include your preferred genre of

I'm open, but the ones I just enjoy listening to, like I said, there's there's Hosier, there's, Teddy Swims, there's of course, you know, I do like Taylor Swift. I'm, I'm, I'm the recent I like fun. I like pink. I'll even, here's a classic that I listen to still is Joan Jett and the Blackhearts.

Joan Jett and the Blackhearts. Okay.

Uh-huh. Chris Stapleton, I mentioned.

Mhmm.

Anyway, I'm open.

As I was listening to them, and maybe it's because we're listening to more and more music, but you start to hear who influences who. And I can hear some Beatles in Queen.

It has been fun to kind of learn some of the backstory of these artists from the sixties, seventies, a little bit 80s, but like with Van Morrison and we listened to Abbey Road. I don't think we've talked about it here, but even the Vince Guaraldi trio.

Right.

Even they were in that mix during that time. We ought to listen to that album that I bought. Who is it that has the Stuck in the Middle with you?

Steelers Wheel.

That song makes me think of our very abbreviated courtship.

Which is funny because I think of that song and I think of Reservoir Dogs, and it's actually a pretty gruesome scene.

Yeah. I I haven't seen that movie, but I I know you used to refer to to it, but so I have a different association for that song.

Uh-huh.

But Freddie Mercury, I think, the little bit I know about him, he, he's so talented and so, like, creative and original and did whatever he wanted, but also so constrained by the social, constructs of the day being a gay man, but not being allowed to be and, like, how he, I don't know, was trying to be something he wasn't while also being something nobody's ever been, never ever was or ever will be. Like he's a one of

a

kind, but also was still even even with that incredible like more than once in a generation, there's nobody like him. His talent, his creativity, his uniqueness, even with all of that larger than life crazy talent and, like, explosive personality, he was still, you know, fighting against these social constraints that didn't allow him to be who he really was. So what a contradiction.

Definitely. I think that's why part of why his legacy is so profound and their music is just still lasting.

Mhmm. Yeah. It makes me think of, like, these contradictions, these these, two sides of one coin.

Mhmm.

I feel like this weekend has been kind of both light and vital and super heavy and grievous at the same time.

Let's talk about it.

Okay. Well, it's timely. I mean, we just watched that last episode of season one of Limitless with Chris Hemsworth. Is about acceptance and the beauty of grief and also, you know, the acceptance of the fact that everyone will die at some point. None of us are promised tomorrow.

We just think that by somehow we, like, default to this fact of being alive is somehow a right to life. And I mean, of course everyone has the right to life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness. It's an inalienable right. That's what we believe. And at the same time, none of us are promised a certain number of days.

We don't know what our timeline is. But And we will all

we think we have forever.

We act like we have forever.

Right.

Which is where I think that two sides of the same coin idea comes in By accepting that we don't, we're maybe more likely to live each day to its fullest and to be where we are and to have more vibrant life experience. But by fighting that off or pretending or acting like we aren't gonna die, we tend to miss out on more life or even shorten it.

I was just thinking if somebody's to argue that, going, yeah, but why would I spend any time thinking about the end of life whenever the whole point is to be present and to enjoy life?

Well, sure. What about the part though where if your approach is to never think about the fact that it'll end and you just act like you've got all the time, you may not order your priorities in a way. Like you may just think, oh, I've got time, so I'll just, I'll start living when I'm done working or I'll start living when I, or, you know, I'll Start investing enjoy life when I

in that relationship.

Lost weight or

Later.

Yeah, exactly. That's where I think we run into trouble. Like, I'll, you know, I'll be happy later. I'll be present later because I've got to just do this right now versus

It could be to

more the life that you have now.

So what am I going to do with Yeah.

So living off in some future reality you're trying to create and therefore missing the one you have right now.

Yep. That was a what'd you think of that episode? I watched it, and then I had you come back through and watch it. Like, what are your what were your thoughts?

Well, it's, I didn't just watch the episode. That's the thing. I watched the episode today after having landed, went straight into twelve days working. And today on day 13, after being home, I unpacked my suitcase. That's how busy those twelve days were.

And getting home on the twelfth day, Friday night, I was just unwinding after that intense twelve days. And you told me that during the day you had had Carl over and recorded a podcast with him talking about reflecting on his life and where he's at.

It was a good conversation.

Yeah. And I'm excited to hear it. But just hearing you tell me about it, it, And by the way, we watched the movie Jay Kelly with George Clooney.

Which, yeah, was weird.

It's a reflective like he's reflecting on his

Existentialism, just, yeah.

So we're watching this, you know, emotional movie, this sentimental movie, which we watched because our son told us to watch it because he liked it so much. So I'm already in the frame of mind that like he felt moved by it and he asked us to watch it. So I'm already like my heart's already being tugged on. Now I'm watching this moving compelling performance by George Clooney and Adam Sandler. And then we in fact, we were about three quarters of the way through the movie and we paused it.

I'm not sure why. I think I don't know. I think I got up to go use the restroom or something. I came back and before we started again, we started just talking about the day. And you were explaining to me about having recorded this podcast.

And I think I've just been in such motion that I had been kind of out of touch with how I was feeling about the whole thing. And I just sat there and ugly cried for like, I don't know, half an hour.

Yeah. Was surprised it caught you off guard.

Completely caught me off guard. It's like, I hadn't been shoving it down or repressing it or anything. I just had been moving and doing things and hadn't been I don't know how grief works exactly, but I've been working on, you know, when I feel it, leaning into it and experiencing it. And so I, you know, I allowed it. And so I was grieving.

We're in this period where our parents are aging. My dad and my stepdad both have cancer. And, you know, it's a lot. And then we go and we meet with we meet with my mom and with Carl today. And yeah, and it just and then we come home and we watch that episode.

So all of that to then watch that episode about acceptance and grief. And so I think I'm just in a place of like allowing emotions. I guess where I just back to this idea, two sides of the same coin, it's like, how do you know joy unless you know sorrow? How do you know freedom unless you know some restriction? Do you know joy in life unless you're aware of, you know, sickness and death?

And so one sort of allows the awareness of the other. That's what I was getting at.

No. That makes sense. Yeah. And I think about that overall message of acceptance as it said in the episode, we will experience loss. Mhmm.

It is not if. It's when.

It's when. The other part of it though too that I thought, they didn't spend a lot of time on it, but they did, it was mentioned that I thought was important is that as he reflect, just was reflecting back on his life and even imagining being on his deathbed and where will you be? Who's holding your hand? Who would you want with you? And then in that reflecting back on the life lived, not looking back on things as having made mistakes or done the wrong thing, but just having had experiences.

And I think that's that other element of, you know, to feel guilt because you've done something wrong is one thing. Everybody makes mistakes, does things wrong, has experiences where they, you know, would do it differently and has some guilt associated with it, but you can move on. But that's different than carrying around shame. And I think so many people walk around with this carried shame and it's not because they've actually done anything wrong, It's just because they've somewhere, someone along the way has told them or communicated to them, or they've received the message intended or not, that somehow there's something wrong with them or they're bad or, you know, and they just have this carried shame. Sometimes we have it from even before we knew how, before we had language.

And so it just kind of lives in our bodies. And I think that's been probably the biggest change in me over the past two and a half years or so, is identifying and letting go of that. And I tell you what, it's different walking around as a human being alive without that carried shame. It's so liberating.

It doesn't happen without a lot of work, a lot of intentional and unfortunately emotional work.

Yeah. I mean, I first had the catalyst to begin that journey, my therapist told me, Look, this is gonna be really hard and it's gonna feel like three steps forward, two steps back. But on the other side of it, you'll never be able to unsee it and you'll never be able to go back. And that has been so true for me. And I just wish that for everybody.

I think that would be my thing that I would wish for every single person is that however long or short or joyful or painful your life is, that every person is able to identify and be set free from carried shame.

That would be great.

I agree.

Right? As you were talking, I was thinking about we said we were going to start the five week thing last week.

Yeah. I did it once.

Did you?

You did it once.

I didn't do it once.

We should do a better job of executing on the beginning time of our so let's

Let's reset.

Let's reset. We failed.

Said we were gonna do the what what did we commit to doing to say we were gonna do? I think And that was one of the things. We said we were

gonna do it and then we got swept away by the week and we just didn't mark the, we didn't put it, we didn't create the space for it. So let's start over.

Okay. So we'll start over there. With that though, there was a period of time, I mean, and some of this was revealed in therapy this last week. I had the opportunity to go to therapy without you.

I had to cancel. Was, I had a conflict.

But I had a great conversation with our therapist and it helped me. Number one, it kind of got me fired up. She saw something that I had for three weeks just kind of put on the back burner. I just kinda shoved it. I suppressed it, actually.

Mhmm. And a conversation with her allowed me to kinda see that I had done that. Mhmm. And I noticed that it's something that I typically do. Uh-huh.

And I don't even know that I'm doing it. And you described it as like there's this low grade

Mhmm.

Something, this energy Like a

low grade fever almost.

Right. That I can't put my finger on, you can't put your finger on, but once I was able to articulate it and and recognize it, and then I was able to take action on it, and that definitely helped.

It was almost like she thought enough of you to say, hey, that doesn't feel right that you, that that happened. And you then thought enough of you to go, Yeah, actually I didn't like that that happened. And it had been bothering you. And I'm grateful for that, but it, and so I'm glad you're noticing because the, and I didn't mean to pile on, but what I was saying is like, yeah, I can tell when something's bothering you. I mean, I know you really well and this will happen.

We'll go through these cycles where it'll sometimes be weeks where I'm like, I know something's bothering him. And it's almost like, and for a long time I thought you were just like, you just were basically lying and saying nothing was bothering you when it was. But I think the reality is you didn't know what it was and you couldn't articulate it, but I know something's wrong. And then I'm just agitating you because I'm like, tell me what it is. And you're like, ah, I don't know.

Well, have you ever just, have you ever not been able to articulate something's up? I don't feel right. I don't feel exactly on, but I don't there's nothing to complain about.

I'm not gonna lecture you, and I'm not gonna repeat the same old refrain, but I am gonna maybe try to draw a distinction. Just like I I I distinguished guilt from shame. I'm gonna distinguish complaining from communicating needs.

Okay.

I just think you have an opportunity, as well as, I'd even say an obligation, to communicate what you need, what you like, what you're experiencing. And it kind, I mean, here's a simple analogy. The masseuse is putting too much And or not enough you won't just say, oh, that hurts or hey, when they ask, hey, is this enough pressure? No, I'd like some more please.

I know. We talked about that though.

Yeah, I know.

There's a strategy.

Well, okay. So bad, bad example.

It's context, but I hear you. I do hear you. I'm working on it. I know you're doing great. Number number one step is Awareness.

The awareness.

And, yeah, and then the intent to notice what you're doing.

And I'm doing. And I'm and then I am noticing.

And you asked if I do it. I do it too. I just think you do it, like, at a factor of 12 more.

Yeah. Right.

I have my own issues.

Don't we all? Well, anyway, that's one thing that I was noticing. That low grade it was distracting me.

It sure was.

I was.

Was through our vacation. Yeah. You know, since we got back.

And then I felt regret at the end of it, thinking, did I not could I have spent more time or better time with the kids or with you or whatever?

I'm I said this to you last night, but I'm gonna tie it to this. I think what you did yesterday with Carl was such a beautiful thing. You're so empathetic. You're so conscientious and thoughtful and tuned into other people. And you create space and you're curious about them and you make them feel comfortable and you get really interested in them and you draw out of them these reflections.

And

so it makes you such a phenomenal coach and such a cool partner and good friend and all those things.

Thanks.

And then I'm gonna use your own words against you. And because you, heard you lecturing Caleb about how, yeah, it's cool that you give, but you have to be able to receive as well. And it's like inhaling and exhaling. So yeah, right back at you, my friend. You need to, like, allow others to see you as well.

Like, don't keep that gift from them.

Thanks. I'll try harder. I'm working on it.

Well, just do it.

That's the whole point in trial

no try.

Do. Do. Okay. Let's maybe do some high low.

Oh, yeah. High low. Well, I mean, I think this is gonna sound weird, but I didn't I hadn't realized it, but when between watching that movie and then hearing you talk about the conversation with Carl, it just drew out what I didn't realize was this pent up emotion and grief I was feeling that I was just able to get out. And I just I hadn't hadn't it's not like I hadn't allowed myself to cry. I just hadn't cried in quite a while.

And I just needed it apparently. So just being able to cry was good. That was probably my high. There's been a lot of things I've been feeling, but I've just been moving and I haven't really been in touch with it.

Okay. I, for some reason, I thought you were saying that that was your low. No. But it was your high that you were able to actually process and spend some time grieving and and reflecting.

Mhmm. Yeah.

Cool. Yeah. What about your low?

Just, well, I hate to say it's a low. I really loved seeing my mom today. It was so great. I hadn't seen her in like three weeks. She just gave me a big hug and a kiss.

So that's probably actually a high, but what was a low was just having her sit there and reflect on, I don't know, just grappling with end of life and yeah, our mortality. I mean, it's part of life obviously, but it's hard. It's hard to see her. She's doing great. She has a great attitude, but she's trying so hard to be strong, and she is strong.

But I think it was just hard to be there in that.

Yeah. They both have amazing attitudes.

Yeah. And just, I don't know, a little bit bracing for the year ahead, the couple years ahead, whatever it's gonna be. It's just like the slow grade in the back Yeah. Of my mind going, oh, this is gonna suck. What was your high and your low?

Being able to sit down with Carl and record a conversation. I don't know what we'll do with it, if anything.

I love that moment you showed me. He left the room to get something and he didn't know that there was a camera on him and it shows him. Yeah. Just sitting there content. It was cute.

What you did yesterday as a gift for my family is pretty special.

I'd I'd love that he was so excited about doing it. He was a little worried. I could tell who wouldn't be. Not sure what to expect. But as soon as he got here and he sat down, you could tell he was just ready to talk.

What was your low this week?

My low. What day was the Wednesday. Wednesday morning. I had the therapy session on my own, which doesn't happen a lot. How many times have I had my

Twice.

Twice?

Including Wednesday.

Twice.

Not that I'm counting.

Coming out of that, I was really bothered.

Bothered enough to take action.

Well So it

was like peak bother because you finally did something about it.

But but I but I sat with

it Yeah.

All day.

Before you before you took action.

That low grade turned into High fever. It was vibrating. I was like, I gotta do something here.

So that I bet that stretch was probably a low point.

It was definitely a low point. I was frustrated, and I didn't I knew that I needed to do something, but it wasn't on my timeline. So I needed to wait for that. I got the opportunity, but it wasn't until later that afternoon. And once I got that clarity, it was like this huge weight lifted.

Yeah. That makes sense.

So that was definitely my

So it's like it's bad and low that you were super frustrated, but it's good in the sense that it was it's like it sounds like you had to get frustrated enough to act on it so that then you could be relieved of it.

Yeah. Well, and I also sat on the ability to address this for three weeks, but my refusal or my avoidance, my suppression of the issue.

Resistance even?

Maybe. Could have

been relieved of it.

Could have been relieved

Three weeks of ago.

So, yeah, that's pretty frustrating.

We live and we learn. You know what I think could also be a contender for a high and a low, either one. It's a high in the sense that I learned something, we both learned something, but a low in the sense of what it is that we learned. But talking about low grade, like, problems, like I've been struggling with trying to figure out why the heck is my blood pressure just not coming down? Like what is going on?

I'm doing everything. I've been eating a good diet. I've been exercising. I've been doing all the right things. From the time we got home from Hawaii, I hadn't had any alcohol.

And my blood pressure's been great.

Yep.

And then I had alcohol this week and immediately went back up. So I don't think I can drink anymore.

I'm sorry.

So I'm sad that I can't I really shouldn't have any alcohol at all anymore. Have no tolerance for it. But also happy to know what was causing it.

I think it's very important to be aware of this signal.

Mhmm.

Your body's telling you something based on the data.

Yeah. I mean, it was stark.

What I think is really cool about all of this, and I know that this kind of maybe even before we recorded, you were like, why are we still talking about attention? Why are we still talking about what we're noticing? But the point here is I don't think we could have noticed those low grade hums until we were intentional about slowing down and actually noticing. Yeah. Paying attention to what's happening.

Yeah. I think, so I think that's an important lesson. The other lesson, they were talking about in that show, acceptance, also like when you accept the fact of aging and stop seeing it as a failure, you start accepting the help. Like, I've been giving my mom a hard time for years, like, oh my goodness, get hearing aids. It's so isolating to not be able to hear what's going on.

Just accept the fact that your hearing is degraded and get some hearing aids. Then I'm sitting here looking at this thing going, gosh, why are the words blurry? And I just need to put the readers on. Oh, and I can see.

Amazing.

Thanks for spending time with us.

This is the manual transmission.

We're still figuring it out.

Still noticing patterns.

And changing our tune.

See you next time. Okay. We're good?

We're good.

Solid? Solid. Good job. Good job.