On today's episode.
Let's talk about staying in love.
Okay.
So our great research department, a.k.a.
Paige, came up with a great topic this week.
I'm actually excited about it. I think it's actually pretty interesting.
You kind of just learned about it like 2 minutes ago. Yes.
No. No.
Well, you learned about a week ago when we were going to record it,
like I told you about it.
Then we've all started not feeling well.
You were out of town for a couple days,
and then we literally just pulled it up and I was like, Wait, what are we doing?
So it's kind of fresh for both of us. You've never seen it?
No. And I had to to renew it to my eyes once again.
Okay, so.
So what's interesting about this one is what can we do?
When we were first engaged, even before we were engaged, were married.
Say, before we were engaged?
Yes. Holy cow.
Could not stay away from me. Too much PDA.
All of our
children and anyone around us will definitely say that.
Yes, absolutely. And it was. It was much.
In fact, here's a funny story. Was this.
This was on our honeymoon.
And we were going to I don't know if it was like
we were we were on our way to our way on our way there to the honeymoon.
We were in the airport in line to ask the lady
at the desk, at the United desk a question.
And we were waiting and we weren't like we were just like we were standing in line
and we were sitting next each other and we,
you know, we kissed and then we would talk and then we would kiss.
And she got mad.
Was it the lady at the desk?
Yes, the lady behind us. No, it was the lady at the desk.
It was the night she was like, Oh, my gosh, why don't you guys get a room?
This is so inappropriate.
And we were we were so taken aback because we were, like, doing a literally
we were just we were kissing and hugging and hugging, but it wasn't like we were.
Anyway, yeah, maybe that's why I have one case status.
Why? Because I complained.
I didn't complain. No, we didn't complain. No, no.
Even though she was. She.
She was really. She was really upset. She was really upset.
So we were like, she needs a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
Whatever she needs, she needs something.
But over time, that kind of slowly
changes and things kind of fade.
They do.
And not just being affectionate with each other.
In fact, that's not even what this podcast is about.
It's more about the things you say to each other and,
and you you see each other when you're dating and when you're engaged
and you're just feeling that new.
And probably even the first maybe couple of years you're married,
you see each other through rose colored glasses, right?
Everything they do is cute and funny.
Right in my socks on the floor.
Yeah.
I mean, yeah, that's each something so minor.
But you're right.
I mean, like, all those little things, like, oh, they chew too loud or they.
Whatever it is, I mean, like you think you did in the beginning,
you thought it was cute and you thought it was, Oh, just a little quirk.
And a few years in, it's annoying and it's bugging you.
And why is it bugging you? Yeah, exactly.
No, Why?
Why does that bug you? What?
But the little things I do.
I didn't say that.
I think in general.
Oh, in general, Nothing.
Nothing that you do ever bothers you?
No. Mm hmm.
Okay. But no, it's true.
Like,
over time, challenges occur, flaws emerge,
the rose colored glasses come off, and reality sets in.
Right?
I think it sets in faster when you are in a blended family.
Much faster because you don't get that new.
Let's grow together.
Let's start our family together.
You are just set into the middle of two families already formed, right?
Yeah.
So you don't you don't even get that that real newness with each other.
So this is normal?
Oh, I think this is very normal.
I think this is very normal for the things that you once thought were cute
and funny and quirky are normal, are now annoying
and obnoxious and knock it off.
So I wanted to talk about if you've been out of that new stage
for a while and you're feeling like
everything he or she does
bothers me,
Let's talk about how to freshen things up.
What do you think? Sounds good. Okay.
All right.
But we're going to be very specific on that.
On what we can do to freshen things up.
And the one thing we're going to talk about
specifically are words You can say absolutely not.
Things you do right, but words that you can say on a daily basis
that will freshen things up and and keep things alive,
because we could have several different episodes on things you could do.
Absolutely.
But today we're only going to things you can say.
Yeah. Things you can.
You can say, okay, so first one, you look great.
Now I have to say so a lot of these we're going to be really honest
with these things and we'll tell you what we're good at and what we're not good at.
You are fantastic at this one.
Oh, thank you. So compliments
mean a lot to your spouse
If you've been married for 40 years, we need to hear it.
I think women especially need to hear it, but many to hear it too.
But you, Darren, is very complimentary.
Always.
Not always.
You do look great.
Well, I think I do appreciate that.
But I do get mad if I, like, come in and swear to no makeup and my hair
sticking up everywhere and you're like, Hey, beautiful.
I'm like, you know, I don't look beautiful right now, but so okay, so no patronize.
So yes, for you guys out there, if your wife just woke up,
has been sick for several days, kind of smell and then
the hair's everywhere and you know has bags
don't realize going to her and say, oh, you look great.
Not a good thing to say. It's not.
Because then we wonder when you do tell us we look great and we feel great,
does he mean it or because he said it when we know we don't look great?
So so mean it, but do complement each other?
It means a lot. I really think it does.
What do you think?
No, I agree.
Now there's a trap.
Okay? It's that everyone knows this trap.
Does this dress make me look fat?
Yeah. Trap.
That's a trap. That's a trap.
So there is no good and there's no good answer to that.
So to circumvent that trap from ever happening,
tell your spouse they look great more often
than they don't have to ask for that compliment, because a lot of times you're
saying, does this dress
make me look fat?
They're looking for some kind of compliment.
They're looking for validation
that they look good or they feel they need that, right.
They need that validation.
Now, I also want your honest opinion and you do give it to me.
I'll try things on and I'll say, What do you think?
And you'll say, You know what? That doesn't.
You know, there's other dresses that look better on you.
You do say that
and it's not flattering on, you know, And I want that honest opinion.
I don't know why I do, though. That is true.
So you've got to know your spouse.
You do you need to know your spouse.
And I want that from you.
I do.
I don't want to wear something that doesn't look good on me.
And maybe I think it looks good.
But if someone else doesn't think it looks,
it actually just matters that you think it looks good, right?
That's not true.
That's what other people think. It looks good.
All right.
So compliments. Do it. Don't hold back.
All right, next one. Thank you.
Okay.
I think this is we're really good at this one, too, because we are both very aware
that we don't want to take each other for granted or take things for granted.
What do you think?
I totally agree.
And also, when you are saying thank you, it helps
you realize that
you appreciate the work that someone has done. Yes.
Right. Yes.
That you that you need that help in your life.
This this really shows that dependency
that you have on each other and really helps you grow closer together.
So I like this one a lot. Here's a great example.
You came home last night very late.
You've been up for 20 hours.
Yeah.
You took a one day trip and you had gotten up at four.
You got home at 11 and you walked in.
I was in bed and you went over and started changing your clothes.
And you noticed that
I had done the laundry and you said, Thank you so much for doing the laundry.
Now, I really appreciate it. Yeah.
So finding even those small little things.
Well, the laundry was not a small thing,
but the things that you would normally do,
which is one of the one of the roles that you have.
Yes. You do the laundry. Right.
But when you say thank you, when I cook dinner,
which I one of my roles is cooking dinner, it makes me want to do it again.
And I always tell you how appreciative I am of your work and how much you
do for our family financially, where I don't hold back that way.
And always. Thank you. I appreciate that.
Yeah, we're very we're very grateful for the things each other.
So we're going to do this one.
Yeah, we'll get this one.
But I think Please don't.
We're perfect.
Just you guys know, I was going to say, do you want one that
I'm only putting this out for our listeners,
One that you're not good at is it's not on here.
You're not great at saying please.
Well, hey, honey, if it's not on here, we're not supposed to talk about it.
But I always say, you'll say something.
I'll go. Please.
So please stick to the script.
It's not on the list, so we're not going to talk about it.
Okey dokey.
Thank you for reminding me that it's not on here.
Oh, great.
All right. Obviously, I've got something to work on.
All right, The next one.
I think you're so amazing.
So we sometimes think that our partner knows magically what
we are thinking, and so we stop saying things like, I think you're great
or I think you're wonderful, or I think you're amazing.
And I think these are things that we need to tell each other.
And you don't have to use the word amazing.
If you think that that's over the top, then don't use it.
That's not in your repertoire of words you would normally say.
Then, you know, I have to say, I think you're amazing.
You say something like, Ooh, that's for your superpowers.
Yeah. Or what you're really good at.
Yeah, just say, that was really great.
Whatever you want to come up with. But.
But just keep telling them
that you think that they're great.
I find this one interesting because it affects your marriage
in a profound way, because if you do this,
then you're looking for things that your spouse is good at.
Yeah, that excels at or is maybe hasn't
been good at, but is great at now or is progressing.
And if you're pointing those things out and saying them,
you're also recognizing how great you have it.
Oh, I like to have a spouse like this. Yeah.
So I think there's almost like a double, a double positive on this one.
Right. Okay.
Okay.
Now this next one I don't like at all.
I think this one's funny.
I don't like this one.
I would never say this, and I would never want you to say this.
Okay, Go ahead.
I love you anyway, honey.
I love you.
Anyway, a psychologist said that you're supposed to say I love you any
When your spouse makes it hard,
it says when your spouse makes a mistake, it can be hard on both of you.
But what you say in the moment will have a lasting impact by saying,
I love you anyway.
It's telling them that it's okay to make a mistake.
Boo Boo.
I don't ever want me to make a mistake.
No, you would want me to say when you do make a mistake
or when I make a mistake, it's kind of condescending.
It is very gone. Is it?
I love you anyway, honey.
I love you any way.
Even if you. All right, So let's try.
Let's turn this around to something better that you could say, because I think the
I think the concept here is good in that your spouse does make mistakes.
Absolutely.
And sometimes you need to point that out.
Maybe you don't need to point that out.
That's a good one.
What what do we need to point out and what shouldn't we point out?
What do we need to let go?
And I think you need to let go a lot of things unless you're.
Well, here's the thing.
If your spouse is really feeling awful about the mistake that they made,
then to me a different approach would be, I'm really sorry, honey.
I'm really sorry that that happened.
Now you're empathizing with them.
You're not giving them a way out of, Hey, I made a huge mistake, man.
That must be really tough to feel that way.
Or some way of empathizing with them.
Yeah, but little mistakes now.
You don't need to pick it those. Yeah, and that's hard.
And that's after you've been married a few years,
you start to pick those things and we need to.
You have to really work at letting it go.
But yeah, that I love you anyway.
I think that I don't like that at all.
I if anyone has suggestions on a better way to say out ones
that might be good, but don't pick the scab.
Don't pick this up. Yeah.
All right, there we go.
So is that what you should say?
Honey, I'm not going to pick the scab.
Yeah, that'll be after.
I love you anyway. I'm not going to pick the scar code.
Word will be scab.
I'll say scab, and you'll know that I love you anyway.
Okay.
All right.
The next one, we'll get through it.
So I kind of like this one.
Do you?
I do.
Because what you're saying is. Well, I would add to it.
We'll get through it together. We can work.
We can beat this problem together.
We've talked about this on our podcast before.
Yeah.
That it's you and I against the world, right?
It's saying we're a team.
We're a team through it. Right?
So if there's a problem that we're having in our relationship,
we try and put it as the combatant.
What we're trying to as a team tackle and write and resolve, right.
And beat that conflict that we have.
Yeah, to me, I kind of like this one.
I do too.
I guess it's just just seeing it.
We'll get through it like woo rah rah.
Seems a little trite.
I don't know, but.
But yes, I understand.
You don't like those sports.
You don't like those sports things, though.
The rah rah rah.
Yeah. No, you don't. You know. You know you don't like a coach.
Come on, let's work harder. Let's go, team. Let's go.
You don't want to seem little patronizing sometimes, but anyway.
But I understand the concept. I understand what they're trying to say.
So I understand that we'll get through it.
I understand what they're trying to say.
We're a team. I'm on your side.
All right?
Like I get it.
I get it.
Okay.
All right, Next one.
This one. I know you want me to say more.
Yes, I'd love to. Yes.
So I think this is important, but there's a button.
Okay, What's the vibe?
Well, okay, so.
So the phrases. Yes. Are. That is so what this is saying is
being open
to things that your spouse enjoys that maybe you don't.
That's what this is saying.
Oh, okay.
I thought it was like, Honey, I need you to go get the Easter decorations.
No, no, that's not what this is saying.
I mean, yes, we could say that that's doing that, too.
But instead of an eye rolling like an eye roll. Huh?
But no, this is saying it's something that's not your thing,
but you're showing your support, right?
So I think that is really important.
Like, but what? Like give me an example.
Oh, like, if I want to go see a country concert.
You hate country.
Why would we do that?
And you support me by buying tickets and stuff right now, I there's no
I don't know that there's any country band I'd want to go see either, but.
But I know I get your point.
Yeah, I'd love to. So you need to go beyond
your comfort level. Yes.
Sometimes.
And say, Yeah, hey, let's go do something different.
Let's go do something that you want, that you want to do.
Right now.
I also feel like
it's okay to let your spouse do their own thing that you are interested in.
That's okay too, So you've got to work on that.
But if if you're feeling like,
you know, you want your spouse to support you and,
you know, I really want you to go with me to do this, then talk to them about that.
And, you know, hopefully they'll go with you.
Maybe not every time, right?
Maybe not every time, but once or twice.
Just support, you know, something that you like that you know, they don't.
Well, an interest can change over the years.
Best example.
Sorry, Rachel and Russell, I'm calling you two out our kids.
Rachel hated
sports when she got married, and.
But Russell loves sports and any sport.
Russell loves watching, participating in anything.
So Rachel started just watching sports with him.
And then Rachel started loving sports.
Now, I think Rachel likes it more than Russell.
Yeah, Yeah.
She used to just read a book while he watched the sports and it was fine.
And now she loves them.
So just, you know, you can change.
Yeah. Yeah, that's. That's good. The.
All right, next one.
I understand.
See, now, this one actually, Waller's me, too.
You know that this bothers.
Yes, because it sounds patronizing.
Oh, well, it does. Like.
So if I'm having.
Okay, here's a good example.
So say I'm having it's that time of the month
for me and I'm having cramps and I'm really in a bad mood.
And you're like, Oh, sweetie, I understand.
No, you don't. You're not having cramps.
It's not the time of the month for you.
You've never had this. No, you don't.
Okay, now, so what should I do?
Not just hand you a box of chocolate?
Yeah, Just be like, Hey, what can I do?
What can I do to comfort you?
You know, I'm.
I'm here for you is fine, but I understand
you don't always understand exactly what they're going through right now.
I agree.
Hey, this reminds me of the new movie Avatar.
What was the big word in there that says, I understand.
I see you. You remember that in the movie?
She kept saying that.
And at the end it was the big phrase. It's the big eyes.
See you. Yes, It's all over The Bachelor right now. Right.
I see you. Which means OZO.
That's the key word.
That's a key word on the Bachelor, right? Sees me.
You see me? Yeah.
Well, that that is what this really means, is I see what you're going through.
I may not understand it.
Yes, but I see what you're going through.
What can I do to help? Right?
So I don't necessarily think that you should say I understand,
because you probably don't.
But there's better things to just.
I hate.
What can I do for you?
Which actually is the next step.
And what can I do for you?
Yeah, what can I do for you?
I you know, I say this when you're sick.
Absolutely.
And I always get the same response.
Nothing.
Well, sometimes you can't do anything when someone's sick.
Have a right.
But it's okay to say, Yeah, I really need soup
or I really need medicine or I really need something.
Otherwise on my side, what can I do for you?
I'm really honestly saying, Hey, what.
What can I do to help you go?
Oh, nothing. That kind of shuts me down too.
I can't help you. I want to take care of you.
I know you do. You always want to take care.
I think most people want to take care of their spouse.
And a lot of times there really is nothing that you can do, though.
But the.
It's appreciated that you ask,
right?
Yeah, I guess so.
But I guess another thing that you can do on this is look around.
Is there something obvious that you could do to help out?
Okay. My gosh. Yeah.
All right.
The next one. I'm here for you,
which I already mentioned to you instead of I understand, right?
Just remind your spouse that they can count on you.
I've got your back, right?
That we're going through this together. I'm here for you.
So that's a good one.
Okay.
Like I said, these all seem a little cheesy to me.
I'm not into the cheese factor.
I'm here for you, but I'm going to use that one on you.
There's different ways you can say that without just saying, I'm here.
I'm here for you.
I understand.
And I'm here for you. Any hope?
If there's any marriage counselors
listening today, Paige,
or if any of you are seeing a marriage counselor,
you should have them listen to this episode, because,
like Paige, she's completely destroyed their whole toolbox.
Well, there's just other ways you can say these things and just.
I'm here for you. Okay, last one. And I love this one.
And we say this one all the time.
She almo I love you.
Three simple words. Yep.
I think these are important.
I don't think you could say it too much.
I don't think it's overused.
That's just my opinion.
Well, you know, this reminds me of the movie Moonstruck.
Do you remember the movie Moonstruck?
I do, but not specifically.
Yeah, that's what's funny about you.
Remember all the movies.
But there's a line in there. It's the.
It's the dad.
He won't say I love you to is to his wife.
Okay?
He'll say it in Italian, but he won't say it in English, okay?
Until things kind of fall apart.
And then he finally does, which is really sad.
That is really sad. I think that
saying I love you,
it just even if you're mad
at your spouse, hearing that
like hearing them say that it does, it kind of.
So if we're yelling at each other, I can say I love you.
Sure. Give it a shot. Try.
I got to figure out what we're going to argue about so we can do this.
All right?
So don't let a day pass without saying loving things to your partner.
The reason I picked this is because
I think when you're talking nice to each other, it
that bleeds into maybe putting those rose
colored glasses back on it can bleed into other things in your life.
If you're talking nice to each other, then I think that can
permeate into all aspects of your relations.
I think you hit it.
I think you hit the main point
of all these phrases is are you talking nice to your spouse?
Right?
Are you talking nice about your spouse?
Yeah. Familiarity breeds contempt.
I really hate that phrase.
I you know, I do bring it up because I think it is true when I think we
sometimes treat the people we love the most, the worst.
And that's what that that's what that scene means, Right.
I know. I think I think it's a horrible saying.
It is, but it's a lot of the times it's true.
Let's make it not true.
Well, I agree with you there. Yes.
I really think familiarity should really deep in your love for each other.
And I think put the rose colored glasses back on and say,
what are the great things about my spouse that I just totally adore?
And, you know, we love we've talked about this before.
If you want to find the flaws in your spouse.
Oh, it's real easy to find.
We all have flaws. You are not speaking from experience.
No, not at all.
Just books that I've read, movies I've watched.
But we can You can find them.
You can find them. It's not hard.
But don't look for them.
Don't look for them. Look for the good things.
I think your spouse already knows what their flaws are.
They don't know, of course.
And and, you know, this goes into
kind of my philosophy on actually teaching children as well.
If you focus only on their weaknesses,
that will be the focus of their self-worth is their weaknesses.
If you focus on their strengths, it's amazing what those strengths
will overcome their weaknesses just by overwhelming their weaknesses.
The best example I have of this is with my oldest
son, Matthew, who was growing up.
One of his weaknesses was mathematics.
He hated it.
He wouldn't.
And we've worked on it.
We were.
Oh, it was awful.
And we worked really hard on it.
And he just became more and more frustrated.
And finally I said, Forget it.
He loved to read and he could read anything.
So what did we do?
We bought him books about the history of mathematics.
And guess what?
He devoured those books and he started to use that reading talent that he had.
His strength overcame math.
Is he a incredible mathematician now?
No, he's not. But
that strength that he had to
consume literature and read and things like that
completely overwhelmed
his deficits that he had in math.
I think the same thing's true in our marriage.
I think if we focus on the strengths of our spouse,
it will overshadow the small we weaknesses and flaws in their character
or in their or in in every aspect of their life.
All right. Did I get off my soapbox?
Are you all bored? Mm hmm.
I figured as much time
are eliminated, Member of the week has to do with weather again.
Snow at a swim meet of all places.
The first time we've had snow in 12 years in Folsom.
I don't even know that it was snow.
It was sleet. It was. It was horrible.
Here's what you might have in snow for like a minute or two.
But when you're at a swim meet, you don't expect it to be snowing.
But that's what happened to us.
We went to David's swim meet and it snowed.
It was that was pretty much lemons.
Was there any lemonade from it?
I mean, just getting to support him.
But it was freezing.
It was freezing.
And the kids will remember that the rest of their lives.
So that was kind of cool.