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This is Dr. Ed Wheat continuing with premarriage counsel for the engaged couple. Now I want to talk with you about the physical side of your relationship which the Bible describes as becoming one flesh. This is a part of the commandment given by God concerning marriage as first stated in Genesis 2:24. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave unto his wife and they shall be one flesh. God's plan for marriage includes a physical intimacy so meaningful that through sexual union, husband and wife actually become one. Sex is not an added attraction in marriage. It is meant to be at the very heart of your relationship, becoming the most private and precious expression of your love for each other, drawing you closer and meeting your deepest emotional needs as well as your physical needs. But is fun and pleasure and sex just for the bride and bridegroom? Oh, no. Your sexual relationship is always going to be of vital importance to your happiness and well-being in marriage from the first day on into old age. In the years ahead, you will learn that if you do not enjoy sex together and find satisfaction in it, whatever closeness you do have will tend to fade away. So, I encourage you to give this part of your marriage the care and attention it deserves, for it will be the means of safeguarding your love for each other. Obviously, something this important requires preparation. If you have the right information ahead of time, you can begin your marriage with positive experiences and love making and really enjoy sex on your honeymoon. A time that often proves to be disappointing for couples who have gone into it uninformed or misinformed. As a family physician and premarriage counselor, I have had some part in preparing hundreds of couples for the adventure of marriage. And this begins weeks before their wedding when they come in for the important premarital physical examinations or for premarital blood tests. At that time, I give them the information they will need for good sexual adjustment in marriage. age with specific advice for the first few weeks of intercourse. You see, the sexual relationship involves far more than just doing what comes naturally. And no one should feel that he or she has to be a natural-born expert. For a new husband to have to pretend that he knows it all can be quite an emotional burden. No one knows it all. Even the therapists in the field are continually researching the subject of sexual response. And new facts are coming to light out of this research. God's physical design Design for sex between husband and wife is beautiful but intricate. And you need to understand the mechanisms of sexual expression and response in order to prevent difficulties from arising that could hinder your pleasure and rob you of sexual fulfillment. One of our goals in this counseling session will be to help you have a wonderful time together on your wedding night. But I also want you to develop the confidence and expectation that your sex life will become better and better as you practice fiscal communication. Learn to give yourselves freely and discover how to really please each other. Because every individual is different, no one else can tell you all you need to know about loving your partner sexually. This is a knowledge only you can develop as you become very sensitive to your partner's desires. In fact, it is this sensitivity and this desire to give pleasure to your partner that will make you a great lover in time. I'm going to be very specific now and counseling you as I do the couples who come to my office for pre marriage counseling. I hope you will relax with the knowledge that it is good and appropriate for you to receive this counsel from a medical doctor in preparation for your wedding night. As you listen, please keep one important fact in mind. Sex and marriage is God's gift in creation. The Bible tells us that sex is holy in marriage, not sinful, not defiled. Sex is a means of physically expressing your love for each other, your oneness, and your total commitment to each other. It is God's will for the two of you to enjoy sexual fulfillment together in marriage and he has carefully designed your bodies for that purpose. So you need to understand your body and your partner's body too. In this discussion, we will use the correct terminology, refer you to drawings of human anatomy included with this album, and we will describe every phase of the sexual experience. The knowledge and understanding you can gain from this will help you to avoid have sexual problems later in your marriage. Most of the sexual problems I treat can be traced directly back to a honeymoon that was fearful and uncomfortable for the bride and frustrating for the groom. These beginning experiences often lead to an habitual state of disappointment, blundering, and boredom in the bedroom. So, I'm going to show you how to avoid these things with the proper mental and physical preparation for your wedding night. Let's talk about mental preparation first. This involves realistic expectations. Do not expect complete physical harmony right away. In other words, do not set your sights too high for your first night as husband and wife. This is the time when you begin to build a lifetime of sexual pleasure together, but is not likely to be a time when you experience all the rapture and passion and complete abandonment and love that will come later in your marriage. In fact, your first few weeks of sexual encounters will require maximum self-control on the husband's part in order to allow the wife maximum comfort. Don't count on thrilling simultaneous sexual relief. right away. Look forward to your wedding night as a very wonderful experience of loving intimacy, but also at a learning time. You and your marriage partner must learn how to communicate your love physically. And this knowledge comes with experience in an atmosphere of sensitive caring and concern for each other. Let me counsel the prospective husband. Now, men often judge themselves as lovers on the basis of whether they can bring their wife to sexual release through the act of intercourse. But this is really not a valid test. To satisfy a wife emotionally is more important and In the process, if correct sexual stimulation is provided, she will usually find physical release as well. So, husband, do not make your wife's orgasm during the act of intercourse your supreme goal. Your goal setting and striving to reach that goal would put so much pressure on your bride to respond and perform properly that it would be very difficult for her to reach a climax. Certain things must happen in a woman's body to produce orgasm, and these do not come about through willpower or self-effort. Orgasm occurs in a relaxed atmosphere after emotional and physical arousal have occurred and enough skilled physical stimulation has taken place. The feeling of pressure brought on by the man's high expectations and the woman's fear of failure can put a stop to the physical response she otherwise would have had. Your supreme purpose on the wedding night should be to develop emotional intimacy through physical closeness. You need to concentrate simply on pleasing your wife with tenderness, romantic words, warmth and cuddling, total body caressing done in a way that shows your appreciation for her as a desirable woman. She must be aroused emotionally and this does not happen quickly in most cases. So take plenty of time. The foreplay period of love making should be enjoyed for itself, not just as a hasty prelude to the main event. Mechanical fondling to try to bring about quick arousal is not the way of a real lover. The lover begins slowly enjoying every sensation and every sign of his partner's release, then builds gradually to an emotional as well as a physical climax. Of course, this demands self-control on the young husband's part. Although patience now will be rewarded with a fulfilling sex life and an enthusiastic partner for years to come. While enjoying the foreplay period, the husband should not be alarmed if he ejaculates before he wants on his wedding night. Because of the intense feelings involved, this might be expected. It may happen the moment the penis enters the vagina, or it may even occur while you're still caressing your bride to bring her to arousal. But this is by no means the end of the love making experience. It never is for the real lover. No matter when he ejaculates, he continues to use gentle manual stimulation to bring his wife to sexual release, finding added pleasure in her arousal and response. Even if you ejaculate early on your honeymoon, another erection will probably appear in a few minutes. But do not wait for that. Continue providing the caresses and manual stimulation which will give your wife sexual satisfaction. Actually, on the honeymoon, the manual stimulation will probably be more pleasing to her and more effective than the sensations of intercourse because the vaginal opening and surrounding muscles are extra tense at first, and there's always some discomfort for the bride. By the way, The counsel I am giving will apply to you even if you have been married before with previous sexual experiences. This should be a fresh start and the husband needs to show the same tender care and concern for his bride as though it were the first experience for both. Now, here is some important physical preparation you need to make. First, plan the right environment for your honeymoon. The Old Testament law made provision for a newly married couple to have a one-year honeymoon. Deuteronomy 24:5 says, "When a man has taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war, neither shall he be charged with any business that he shall be free at home one year and shall cheer up his wife which he hath taken. The Hebrew word translated to cheer up means to delight his wife and to know sexually and understand what is explicitly pleasing to her in their sexual relationship. This should be the most important goal of your honeymoon. If you're considering spending several thousand for your wedding and a few leftover dollars for an overnight honeymoon, I certainly advise balancing your funds so that you can be free of responsibility for a few weeks while you have time. time to get to know each other. During that period, you will have clearer communication lines than you may ever have again. And if you do not come to know each other at the very first of your marriage, you may find those communication lines becoming progressively more blocked as time goes by. I recommend that you put your emphasis upon relaxed privacy during your honeymoon rather than an elaborate trip or a sightseeing jaunt. Such vacations put the focus on other people and other things when you should be focusing on each other. Certainly, you should be apart from your family and friends. Choose a quiet lodge where room service provides meals in the room when requested. Come to your wedding night as rested as possible and do not plan a long drive to reach your place of lodging the first night. If you're too tired after an elaborate wedding with all its emotional drain on your strength, you may want to agree to begin your sexual lovemaking the next morning when you're both more rested and relaxed. Some advanced thought needs to be given to proper lighting in your bedroom. Since usually men prefer light and women prefer darkness, the best compromise is dim romantic lighting which will enhance your love making. Sometimes couples prefer candles or subdued lighting. You may want to take some with you on your honeymoon. Then a word about your sleepwear. The bride will have collected some beautiful nightwear, but it is best if you quickly set it aside from the first night on. Get used to being naked and unashamed with each other. One essential item you need to take with you is an artificial lubricant. Plenty of lubrication is a must for pleasurable intercourse. I suggest the water-soluble artificial lubricant called KY Jelly put out by Johnson and Johnson. This is readily available at any drugstore. The use of this lubricant will make the wedding night and there after a much more comfortable and pleasing experience for both bride and groom. Use it liberally while you're caressing the genital area, particularly the very sensitive clitorol area. Use it liberally before every penetration, applying the lubricant both to the head of the penis and to the outside of the vaginal opening. At the time of intercourse, you'll want to have a small towel nearby. There is no need for a vaginal douche afterward, but there will be lubricating fluid mixed with the semen after ejaculation, and you will want a towel within reach to take care of this discharge. I should add that the semen project from the penis during a man's orgasm is primarily protein, similar to egg white, and is not dirty or unsanitary despite its distinctive odor. Before the wedding night, you should come to a decision concerning family planning. This is something I discuss in detail during premarriage counseling sessions in my office, usually answering questions about various contraceptive methods. I give the medical information, but I do not recommend a specific course of action. Family planning is a private matter, and the decision must rest with the husband and wife. I'm often asked as to my own personal convictions, and I will share some of these with you. I believe that every child who is born should be considered a gift from God. I am totally opposed to abortion except when the life of the mother is extinct. I also believe that when both partners are knowledgeable and maturing Christians, they should have as many children as they feel they can properly train for a productive Christian life. The Bible says, "Lo, children are an inheritage from the Lord, and the fruit of the womb is his reward. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man, so are children of one's youth. Happy is the man who have his quiver full of them." This is found in Psalm 127:es 3-5. Also, you need to consider these factors. First, it is desirable for a newly married couple to have some time for adjustment to each other. Learning to communicate before the responsibilities of a young family come upon them. Second, the health of the wife is always an important issue. A wife may be capable of bearing 20 children, but this would hardly be recommended as best for her health. Third, it should be understood that fear of pregnancy often inhibits enjoyment of the sex relationship. Depending upon the decision you make together in advance, some Some preparation may be necessary for the wedding night. Determine if you wish to use an artificial method of contraception such as the pill, the diaphragm, or the condom, or if you wish to try to avoid conception through the natural simple thermal method, or if you want to conceive a baby quickly, and thus will use no method at all. The responsibility for the decision and preparation belongs to both of you, and it should not provoke tension or uncertainty on your honeymoon. If you decide to use a contraceptive, it should be one both of you can practice in good conscience. For instance, the IUD offers serious hazards to the woman's health and also may be an abortive rather than a preventive method. This method cannot be recommended either biblically or medically. The oral contraceptive known as the pill is very effective but does contain some health risk. There is a definite relationship between the use of the pill and blood clot disorders. Death from blood clot complications occurs in three out of every 100,000 women taking the pill. This should be compared with the pregnancy mortality rate which is 22.8 deaths for 100,000 women. However, for the woman who smokes. The pill is extremely dangerous. The number of fatal blood clots and strokes quadruples in the 20 to 34 years age group of smokers and is 25 times as high in the 35 to 44 year age bracket. The condom and diaphragm have proven to be safe, effective contraceptive methods, especially when used in conjunction with spermicidal foam or jelly. The diaphragm must be fitted by your physician. Cortis interruptus, commonly called the withdrawal method, where the penis is withdrawn from the vagina just before ejaculation occurs, is the most ineffective method of family planning. So do not count on it for birth control. This is because some sperm are present in a slight lubricating fluid secreted from the penis during sexual excitement before ejaculation. Only one sperm is actually needed to fertilize the egg and that one may be well on its way before ejaculation occurs. The withdrawal method is also undesirable because it imposes great restrictions on both partners at the very time each should be feel the most freedom in sex act. It would be a mistake to douche after intercourse in the hope of washing out sperm that already been deposited, even if only minutes earlier. Sperm are deposited at ejaculation and a forceful spray that lands at or slightly into the opening of the uterus. An average sperm travels an inch in 8 minutes. Therefore, some sperm will probably have penetrated beyond the reach of the douche fluid. Furthermore, the pressure of the douche water may push some droplets of semen further up into the cervix without harming the sperm. I might mention that it is not necessary to douche at any time. The vagina is well supplied with fluids which are sufficient to cleanse it. Much as tears are designed to cleanse the eye. Also, do not count on the old-fashioned natural method known as the rhythm method. It is almost useless. The natural central thermal method can be quite effective, but it depends on understanding and carefully charting your own monthly cycle to accurately predict your fertile period each month. This takes time and some degree of training or study. An intelligent practice of this method can achieve a success rate equal to artificial contraceptive methods. However, the natural method usually requires about 10 days of absinence out of every month. The supporters of this method say that this period of abstinence can be a time of courtship, renewing the romance of marriage while looking forward to the time when husband and wife can come together again sexually. For an excellent explanation of the central thermal method, I suggest the book the art of natural family planning by John and Sheila Kipley. This gives thorough instruction in every detail of the method. The theology of the book is oriented toward members of the Roman Catholic Church since much of the research was encouraged by the church. It can be obtained by writing the couple upper league, post office box 1084, Cincinnati, Ohio 45211. For a complete explanation of methods used in family planning, I recommend our book intended for pleasure published by Fleming H. Reval Company and available at Christian bookstores or it may be ordered from Scriptural Council Incorporated, 130 Spring Street, Springdale, Arkansas 72764. Or you can order toll-free by calling 1 8006433477. Preparation also needs to be made for a painless firsttime sexual experience. Statistically, at the time of their first intercourse, 50% of women experience some pain. 20% say they have no pain, but 30% experience severe pain. The cause of this discomfort is the himman, a shelf-like membrane that surrounds but does not cover the lower opening to the vagina. In some instances, a baby girl is born without a himman, so that its absence is not necessarily an indication of loss of virginity. But in some cases, the highman is so tough and resistant that at the time of pelvic examination, a physician can predict that intercourse will be extremely uncomfortable for the bride. The opening of the highman in a virgin is usually about 1 in in diameter. But for intercourse, a diameter of 1 and 1/2 in is needed. This means that the vaginal opening should be stretched in advance so that a painful tearing will not occur when the husband attempts to insert the penis. The physician can dilate this opening if the patient requests or the prospective bride can devote a few moments each day for 2 to 4 weeks before the wedding and stretching the vaginal opening herself and the bridegroom can also be instructed in how to do it on the wedding night. Please consult the diagram enclosed with this album. It depicts the vaginal opening where no intercourse has occurred. The way to stretch this opening is to place one finger well lubricated with KY jelly inside the vagina and push toward the back very forcibly but very slowly. When you're able to insert one finger all all the way to the base. Then try to place two well-lubricated fingers into the vagina, pressing downward and backward with quite firm pressure until you're able to easily insert these two fingers all the way to their base. If the husband is attempting to stretch the vaginal opening on the wedding night, he may then insert the tips of three fingers arranged in a wedge shape and place the well lubricated fingertips in the vaginal opening. Then press down very firmly toward the back, but very slowly. This should take from 15 to 30 minutes to accomplish, moving the well lubricated fingers only about 1/8 inch at a time until finally you can insert all three fingers to their base. This procedure will result in the stretching and possibly even the tearing of small areas in the vaginal opening. If there happens to be a small area of bleeding near the back of the vagina, do not be afraid. Simply look for the exact spot that is bleeding. Take a piece of tissue, put it on the spot, hold it there with firm pressure. You will be able to stop whatever bleeding occurs in this manner. If another tear and more bleeding occurs when you have intercourse, you can easily stop it in the same way by holding the tissue on the exact spot with a firm pressure. The tissue may be left in place about 8 hours and then soaked loose in warm water to avoid new bleeding. Well lubricated intercourse can begin again the next day. After this stretching process, the major portion of the remaining himman lies in a crescent shape across the back of the vaginal opening. This position is such that it moves farther up over the vaginal opening when the legs are brought upward and is less in the way when the woman's legs are down flat. This fact should be kept in mind during your first intercourse. If the husband has difficulty in accomplishing initial entrance, a special position may be helpful. The bride lies on her back with two pillows under her hips with her legs down as flat as possible to move the highman more out of the way. The husband faces her and approaches her from directly above so that the penis is in an almost vertical position at first contact with generous amounts of KY jelly around the vaginal opening and on the head and the shaft of the penis. He places the tip of the penis near the front of the vaginal opening and slides it almost straight down, attempting to slip past the elastic him into the vagina. When the penis slips into the vagina, then the wife can slowly and intermittently bring her knees up as far as as her discomfort will permit. At this point, the husband should no longer force the penis in, but allow her to thrust her pelvis upward and forward against the partially inserted penis which should still be in an almost vertically straight down direction. If there is a great deal of pain as a last resort only dupanal ointment may be applied around the vaginal opening especially toward the back and left for a period of about 5 minutes. This is a local anesthetic ointment available without a prescription and you may wish to have it on hand if your physician has told you that the vaginal opening may be too tight. Avoid putting this ointment in the area of the clitoris as it may decrease sensitivity there. In most cases, following the procedures I have described will ensure a pleasant firsttime experience for the newlyweds. The husband should always keep in mind that most pain occurs from entering too quickly, not allowing enough time for the muscles around the vagina to relax. At the time of first intercourse, the husband should not persist in striving to bring his wife to orgasm with his penis in the vagina. If she has some soreness, there's no reason to make this worse. After the penis is inserted, the husband should have his orgasm quickly, withdraw the penis, and stimulate his wife's clitoreral area gently with his fingers to bring her to orgasm. The husband's tender care of his wife at this crucial time will do much to establish an attitude of confidence and trust within her, so that in the weeks to come, she will be able to relax totally and let herself go in the enjoyment of their love making. There's one other potential problem which can occur on your honeymoon unless plenty of lubrication is provided for the penis and the vagina. If you look at the diagram of external genitalia, you will see the opening for the urethra, the outlet for urine from the bladder. This opening is about 1/2 in above the vaginal opening and entirely separate from it. The urethra is actually a small tube that runs beneath the pubic bone and can be easily bruised by the thrusting of the penis. In the side view on this diagram, you can see the bruising of the urethra occurs unless the penis and vagina are well lubricated. This bruising allows a condition to develop that is commonly called newlywed cyitis or honeymoon cyitis. It is characterized by pain in the bladder area and by blood in the urine and rather severe burning when the urine passes. It is an indication that Injury to the urethra has allowed bacteria to grow. The bacteria may ascend to produce a severe bladder infection called cyitis. The infection and pain will clear up much more quickly if the bride increases her intake of fluid and uses medication as prescribed by her physician. Almost all urinary tract infections in women begin within 48 hours after intercourse. This is why avoiding or emptying the bladder within a few minutes after intercourse is important. Bladder urine is sterile and and the voiding of urine cleanses the urethal mechanism of bacteria that would cause the infection. Some women are especially susceptible to intercourse cyitis just as others are prone to develop sore throats or colds. So if frequent episodes of cyitis should continue, the wife will need to see her position for prescription antibiotics to take just before or after each intercourse. This eliminates bacteria before they have time to multiply enough to produce infection. In preparation for your wedding night, I want to talk with you about the stimulation which will almost always bring about a woman's orgasm. I find in my counseling that this is often the unknown factor for men and perhaps it is the reason why so many women say they have never experienced an orgasm. If you consult the anatomical drawing of the woman's external genitalia, you will see the vaginal opening, the inner lips called the labia minora, the urethal opening and the clitoris with its glands and shaft. Men might think that the greatest sexual sensitivity is in the vagina, but this is not the case. The clitoris is actually the trigger of female desire. It is the most keenly sensitive point a woman possesses for sexual arousal and has, as far as we know, no other function. Sufficient physical stimulation of the clitorol area will produce orgasm in nearly all women. if there has been sufficient loving foreplay and emotional arousal ahead of time. The word clitoris comes from the Latin word meaning that which is closed in. The clitoreral shaft which is about an inch long is closed in by the peak of the labia minora. The inner lips at the outer end of the clitoris is a small rounded body about the size of a pee which is called the glands. fold of skin called the clitoreral hood partly covers the glands. You must learn the exact location of your wife's clitoris. This can be most precisely determined during the time of sexual arousal because when effective physical contact on the clitoris is continued, a firmness and enlargement of the shaft of the clitoris occurs as it extends upward toward the pelvic bone. You can detect this enlarged shaft by sensitively placing well lubricated fingertips alongside it. You will be able to feel it as you move your fingers back and forth alongside. Now move your fingers across the shaft from side to side. It is like rolling your finger across a very small telephone cord. Carefully feel the extent of its length, usually one to one and 1/2 in long. Persistent, loving, gentle, sensitive, welllubricated stimulation alongside this clitoreral shaft and its attached tissues will bring almost any wife to orgasm within 3 to 20 minutes. As orgasm is approached, the tempo of the stimulation will need to increase. Beware of too much stimulation on the glands of the clitoris because it can easily become irritated. It is a super sensitive spot. 95% of women report that direct pressure on the glands produces some pain. The wife should lovingly move her husband's hand to show him which area is most responsive to touch and to show him the degree of stimulation and the tempo which she prefers. This is a part of learning to communicate physically. The most important facts to remember are that one the clitoris must be stimulated either directly or indirectly for the wife to achieve orgasm and two the physical process of orgasm is the same whether by clitoreral stimulation or from sexual intercourse which also stimulates the clitoris through the movement of the penis as it tugs and pulls at the small lips and at the connective tissue attached to the clitoris. Also, certain positions will better enable the base of the penis to rub against the clitoris during intercourse, causing more stimulation to produce orgasm. When the woman experiences sexual release, she will have a generalized sensation of pleasure throughout the pelvis and especially near the vaginal opening. However, the clitoris is always the trigger point of of orgasm. Men sometimes think that deep penetration of the vagina is most pleasurable for the woman. But this is only rarely the case. In fact, the size of the erect penis has almost nothing to do with how much either partner enjoys intercourse, as only the outer two inches of the vagina contain tissue which is stimulated by pressure on the inside. Most vaginal sexual sensitivity depends on contraction of the PC muscles as they grip the penis rather than being stretched by the penis and the vagina. If you're interested in learning more about exercises for strengthening your PC muscle contractions for greater sexual pleasure, you can find the directions in our book, Intended for Pleasure. I'm often asked for my definition of normal sexual intercourse. In answer, I quote Dr. Theodore Vandervaldi, who described it as that intercourse which takes place between two sexually mature individuals of opposite sexes, which excludes cruelty, which excludes the use of artificial means for producing voluuptuous sensations, which aims directly or indirectly at the consummation of sexual satisfaction, and which having achieved a certain degree of stimulation, concludes with the ejaculation of the semen into the vagina at the nearly simultaneous culmination of sensation or orgasm of both partners. But I always add a footnote to this definition. It concerns simultaneous orgasm. This is something that you need not and should not strive for it should happen through the mutual delight and close cooperation of husband and wife as they communicate their love for each other. If they have the orgasm at the same time, that's wonderful, but not at all essential to the experience. It is far more important to give yourself up to the joy of pleasing your partner without regard when either of you will reach an orgasm, and orgasm comes most readily in that atmosphere. The act of love is experienced as a single ecstatic episode. by the two people involved but medically it can be analyzed and divided into four phases which reflect the physical changes that occur. Please consult the graphs which show the sexual response of the male and female. These of course are not anatomical drawings but are a means of charting the physical response which occurs sexually during an episode of love making. In our love life marriage seminars, couples who have been married for many years express a great interest in these response curves. nerves. Understanding the difference in timing between the male and female responses can greatly enhance your love making if you apply this information in your love making experience. The average male takes 2.8 minutes to reach a climax and the average female takes 13 minutes of physical stimulation to reach her orgasm. The woman's response curve begins with emotional desire. Desire for her husband because of her love for him happens in her mind. and her emotions before she feels sexually aroused. This desire is rooted in the way her husband treats her on a daily basis. If he is thoughtful, considerate, admiring, and attentive when sex is not a motive, if he is affectionate and tender as a rule, she will maintain a level of emotional desire that can be easily quickened into sexual arousal. Researchers have found that without loving preforeplay time spent together, sexual interest will tend to wne. Romantic preludes to sex are very important and can make the difference between a responsive wife and a halfboard wife who would rather stay up and watch television than to go to bed with her husband. The next phase of the wife's response curves show sexual excitement beginning. This comes from a special neural system in the brain and lower spinal area and the first thing that happens as a result is a moistening of the upper vagina with a slippery thin transparent lubricating fluid. This usually begins in the first moments of stimulation. and it corresponds to the erection of the penis in the male. A husband may think that copious lubrication is a signal the wife is ready for intercourse when actually this signals that she is only just beginning the excitement phase. Also, the inner two/3s of the vagina begins to expand and if the penis is introduced during this early phase, the man may have much less feeling of containment. The vagina is not yet physically prepared to receive and grip the penis. The next phase has been given the name the plateau phase. It is the time of more gradually increasing excitement which is expressed physically by a number of changes in the woman's body. The nipples of the breast become erect and the entire breast may swell sometimes as much as 25%. The clitoris swells, the labia majora, the fold of skin on each side of the entrance to the vagina enlarges and the more delicate sensitive inner lips, the labia minora swell. to two or three times their normal size. This is the most easily detected physical sign of full arousal. At the same time, the inner two/3s of the upper vagina is fully opening and the cervix and uterus are elevated, making the vagina much more open and perhaps as much as 2 or 3 in longer to receive the penis. The vaginal vault is highly distensible, easily stretched, and will accommodate any size penis. As excitement continues, the Nipple erection may be disguised by the slight swelling of surrounding tissues. Since the nipple becomes more sensitive with touching, this surrounding engorgment helps protect the nipple from excessive stimulation. Other responses are increased pulse rate and tenses of muscles in the face, chest, abdomen, and buttocks. There may be a general blushing of areas of the skin, especially on the upper abdomen and chest. But the most dramatic change in the woman during the latter plateau phase is the engorgment and swelling of the outer 1/3 of the vagina. As a result of this swelling, the diameter of this portion of the vagina may be reduced as much as 50%. This means that now the vagina is prepared to actually grip the penis. In the labia minora, the inner lips change in color from bright red to deep wine or from pink to bright red. This indicates that orgasm will occur within 60 to 90 seconds if effectual. stimulation continues. The husband may be able to detect the engorgment of the small inner lips as he stimulates his wife when they protrude beyond the outer lips. This suggests that she may be ready for insertion of the penis. However, it is best for him not to guess. She should always signal him when she is ready for this. The next phase on the response curve is that of orgasm, a term taken from the Greek word oro meaning I am. excited. In the woman, it has been described as a momentary feeling of suspension followed by a sensation of warmth and pleasure starting in the paranal area and pervading the entire body. Rhythmic contractions of the PC muscles surrounding the outer third of the vagina follow. There may be from three to 10 contractions, but the entire experience lasts only a few seconds. During this brief period of orgasm, the woman is usually self-absorbed and un aware of her surroundings. Afterward, she feels physically and emotionally satisfied and relaxed. During orgasm, there will be various muscular responses, even facial grimaces. As husband and wife move in rhythm, they often grasp one another tightly. Men and women are sometimes unaware of their extreme muscular exertions during orgasm, but is not uncommon the next day to notice muscular aches, particularly in the lower back. After comes the relaxation phase when the couple should relax together in the afterglow of their experience enjoying the physical closeness of being in each other's arms and sharing a deep emotional intimacy. Now let's compare the male's response curve. It is considerably simpler. The very first sign of sexual arousal in men is erection of the penis when it is distended with blood. And this happens within a few seconds after being triggered by direct stimulation or by a stimulating sight. or by an erotic train of thought. This excitement phase lasts only until the full erection of the penis. If effective stimulation continues, a rapid progression into the plateau phase occurs. It is very important for the husband to prolong his plateau phase for 10 to 20 minutes or more because he will enjoy a much stronger and more pleasurable orgasm as a result. The man's orgasmic phase consists of a few seconds of involent ary muscle tension and contractions with intense sensation centered specifically in the seminal vesicles, prostate and penis. The husband's orgasm is complete when he has expelled the semen, an event produced by the contractions of the prostate gland and surrounding pelvic muscles. After the orgasm comes, the final phase, the resolution phase, this should be a pleasant period of relaxation and tension loss lasting about 30 minutes until all signs of physical arousal are gone. I have given you these facts as a frame of reference. When you understand these physiological phases of your body and your mates, then you can begin to understand how to give each other maximum pleasure during each phase. We will discuss this on the second side of this cassette. This is Dr. Ed Wheat with the concluding phase of this premarriage counseling session. It's a pleasure to counsel with couples who are eager to learn everything they can about developing the kind of love that will last a lifetime. The fact that you are seeking out this counsel before your wedding certainly indicates that you are willing to put intelligent preparation and effort into your marriage. So, let me give you the secret of staying in love. I can say it in just one word. That word is intimacy. Intimacy is a popular word these days. Popular because it describes the kind of close relationship that people have always wanted and needed. In fact, the search for real intimacy causes more marital infidelity than any other factor. People are not looking for a sexual flame as much as they're searching for the intimacy they did not find in their marriage. And yet, there is no intimacy as precious and rewarding as that which we can enjoy in the lifetime context of marriage. We all want this to be very close to one other person who really knows us, really understands us, loves us the way who we are and is responsive to our needs and desires and sensitive to our changing moods and feelings. We want this relationship to be mutual just between the two of us with no one else as close as intimate. This intimate relationship finds its fullest expression in the sexual union as devised by our creator or it should. Unfortunately, not all sexual encounters between husband and wife are acts of intimacy. Impersonal sex with without real intimacy can and does happen within marriage. God intends for you and your marriage partner to develop a sexual intimacy which will bless your marriage all the days of your life. As you learn to develop this genuine sexual intimacy, many strands of your love will be strengthened. Not just the physical but the emotional and spiritual bonds as well. You see, real intimacy between husband and wife always has satisfying sexual dimensions. But the They are having sex or just talking, snuggling close as they go to sleep, or dressing together for the day, working around the house or yard side by side, or praying together. It's all a form of love making. One of the important ways in which you develop this wonderful intimacy is by meeting your partner's physical and emotional needs in the bedroom. I've already described for you the four phases of sexual love making from the medical viewpoint, comparing the response curves of man and woman. Now, I want to discuss with you the ways in which you can learn to give each other maximum pleasure during each phase. But let's begin with something so basic that we might call it bedroom etiquette. Etiquette is very simply an expression of good manners. And good manners in the bedroom will do a tremendous amount to enhance your marriage. Manners are actually reminders to be concerned about the other person's feelings. People with good manners, truly courteous people are warm, kind, generous, and flexible. These same qualities are characteristic of desirable lovers. Flexibility generally means not setting your heart on plans and schedules that may be changed by others. In the bedroom, you have a partner who may want to change the schedule or the plan that you have for love making. Lovingly yield to your partner's plan. At this point, generosity of heart means you not only submit, but enthusiastically cooperate with the new plans and give of yourself gladly and generously. Among other things, kindness dictates that you will take care to be clean, fresh, ly groomed and scented before getting into bed with your mate. When married, bathing at night makes sense. When during the day will one be in as intimate contact with anyone as during the night when sleeping together. A bath before beginning sex play will show your partner how important the event of physical unity is. When the husband shaves at night, he shows love, respect, and the anticipation of physical intimacy. One therapist who works with sexual dysfunctions has pointed out that just simple good manners between partners can cure many a sexual problem. Good manners move the way at all times in marriage but nowhere more than in the sexual relationship. The invitation to sex should be given in such a way that is thought of not as a marital right but as a privilege. The invitation should be accepted gracefully and with enthusiasm if a negative must enter the picture in the sexual relationship. It should be presented in the most careful and factful way, usually by suggesting an alternative which shows your partner that you're excited about the relationship and want it to be even better. Together The impression that you're bored or turned off can be disastrous to your sexual intimacy. You should always be sensitive to your partner's feelings. Concerned with what will make your partner happy, avoiding that which will make your partner miserable. A delicate interaction of pleasing oneself and delighting one's partner at the same time is a part of good sexual relations as well as good social interaction. Simple human courtesy also involves thanking the other for pleasure after love making. This may even extend into the next day with a phone call from their husband or a little love note from the wife. Remember, good manners in the sexual relationship consist of simple courtesy, trying to please the other whenever possible and refraining from anything that will cause hurt or discomfort for the loved one. As newly weds, it will be important for you to begin in this way, and to make good manners in the bedroom a habit that is never broken. Relaxed love play begins with kissing, embracing, fondling, and petting. The most effective touching for both man and wife in the early part of sexual arousal is a gentle caressing of all the body. Do not confine your caresses to those parts of the body that seem directly related to sexual excitement. As the husband said in the Song of Solomon, "Thou art all fair, my love, there is no spot in thee." And as the bride said, "He is altogether lovely. This is my beloved and this is my friend." The wife may enjoy being caressed on the lower back, the earlo, the back of the neck or other areas which she can identify. Couples often have difficulty in sexual husband simply because the wife has failed to tell her husband or show him what stimulates and pleases her. The husband may not even know how to put her into a receptive mood. Let me make these suggestions to both of you. The husband should remember that your sexual relationship will tend to reflect your emotional relationship. So, every meaningful, fully enjoyable experience of sex really begins with a loving, attentive attitude hours or even days before. Husband, you should be aware that your wife views the sex act as is a part of her total relationship with you. Even though you, like other men, may think of it separately. When both partners assume the responsibility for giving of their total self, the sex act becomes a dynamic opportunity to fully express love for each other. Remember, it is your daily behavior toward each other that will measure the extent and depth of the pleasure you find in love making sexually. Wives tell me that their greatest turnoff in sex comes when their husband has ignored them all evening, then suddenly wants sex without any advanced preparation. Because the wife's receptive mood develops outside the bedroom, the two of you should share some activity together in your pre-foreplay time. Then a time of relaxation and conversation together in which you are emotionally intimate. This is a comforting experience for the wife and sets the stage for enjoyable sex to come. In a pre-foreplay atmosphere, the wife may feel more free to share her feelings about what she enjoys in love making, and the husband should make a mental note of it for later use. When Before play begins, the wife should lovingly guide her husband's hand to show him what she most enjoys. She can place herself in a more pleasurable position or suggest trying a new position. The husband will usually be glad for her active, enthusiastic participation. Remember that the husband experiences maximum pleasure when the wife is responding, thrilled by his touch, and fully pleased and satisfied by his lovemaking. This reinforces his sense of masculinity and her sense of femininity. is enhanced by the knowledge that she has delighted her husband. So the bride must never assume that her husband will instinctively know her sexual desires and understand what turns her on. As you enter the first excitement phase of love making, caressing must not be hurried. Yet there should be a gradual building and intensifying of emotions and physical sensations. Do not stop or let up the stimulation once begun, but continue in an everinccreasing arousal. During this first phase, a long hug or any period of stillness will serve to slow or reverse sexual tensions, especially for the wife. The movement of thigh against thigh, breasts against his chest, and the stroking of each other's back and shoulders are much more exciting than a clinging hug. It is important to understanding the timing of love making. Even in the first phase, if you're moving toward the eventual destination, orgasm, we sometimes call orgasm a climax. And it should be just that, the highest point of interest and excitement in a of happening. How do you reach the high point? By climbing to it. Climax is a Greek word meaning ladder. You move to a climax with a slow progressive buildup resulting at the highest point and a sudden thrilling release. Something like a roller coaster ride with it long slow climb and then its exciting plunge downward from the peak. So when you come together, take time to wind down from the outside pressures of the day. Take time to build desire. Take time to enjoy physical closeness and sensious business. Take time to love each other with words. You don't have to worry about saying something clever or original. Your partner will not be bored with those same loving words when it's obvious you mean them. I can't emphasize how important it is to take time for caresses and cuddling in the first phase. A baby learns love from the touching it receives. And in love making, couples can recapture those sensations of pleasure that begin in early life when the baby is undressed, bathed, petted, nursed, and caressed. In your adult love makingaking, Each of these sensations can be enjoyed again and satisfied. I'm often asked by couples what is and is not acceptable in love making. My answer is that the union of marriage frees the couple to enjoy their bodies in whatever ways are most pleasing, provided that both are being pleased and neither is being hurt or offended. You should feel free to experiment and to know each other in the most intimate sense possible. Love involves close bodily contact and the pleasure of seeing, touching, and enjoying with all the senses. If you notice, I just used the term to know each other in the most intimate sense possible. This is a biblical term used in two ways. To know is used to define our relationship to God. And it also is a term used to designate the intimate union of husband and wife. Adam knew Eve, the Bible says. It is recorded that Mary, speaking of her virginity, said, "How shall this be, seeing I know not a man? Matthew 1:25 says that Joseph knew her not until after the birth of Jesus Christ. You see, the scripture indicates that just as we can know God, we can also know our husband or wife in a deeper, more intimate way through the physical act of marriage. Keep this in mind as we continue discussing the love making process. As the wife slips gradually into the plateau phase, it is time to caress her breasts, nipples, inner thighs, the inner lips, the vaginal opening, the mount of Venus, that is the area over the pubic bone, just above the clitoris and the clitoris itself. If there's been enough stimulation in the foreplay period, the wife will be producing lubrication up in the vagina. Sexual excitement causes the walls of the upper vagina to be covered with beads of lubricant like moisture on a cold glass. The husband should gently reach up into the vagina and bring lubricant down to the clitoreral area for more enjoyable stimulation. Remember, if the wife is lying on her back, all the lubricant will remain in the upper vagina unless it is brought down. Use KY jelly as well. There is never any excuse for trying to stimulate a dry clitoris or inserting a penis into a dry, tense vagina at any age, especially on the wedding night. Although a therapist can make suggestions concerning sexual stimulation, only you can discover what your wife enjoys. This is what makes the love relationship so private a matter between two people who are constantly discovering how to express their caring. in ways that are meaningful and exciting to each other. The point is that what is one woman's arousal may be another's boredom. An example of this is the matter of breast fondling. Approximately 50% of women find fondling of the breast quite pleasurable and stimulating. The other 50% react with indifference or aversion. The husband must be very sensitive to his own wife's preference. Roughness of touch and painful biting are always to be avoided. Breast stimulation may be too intense or too long or even too light and too brief to be pleasing. Only the wife can communicate this so that her husband will know how to please her. Some women have the unfounded fear that breast play causes breast cancer. Some women have breast tenderness, especially a few days before their menstrual period. A woman's response may also be inhibited by excessive modesty or lack of pride in the appearance of her own breast. But unless their inhibitions, nipple stimulation can trigger vaginal lubrication. The later stages of manual stimulation of the breast should be on on the nipple area and should also be graduated with soft kissing and touching. As excitement increases, the nipple, which has been firm and standing out, will become somewhat hidden by the swelling of surrounding tissues. Since the nipple becomes more sensitive with touching, this surrounding engorgment helps protect the nipple from excessive stimulation. A gentle caressing of the area around and in front of the vaginal opening will greatly increase sexual excitement at this point. Be creative and imaginative rather than rough, blundering, predictable, or mechanical in your approach. Remember that stirring the imagination evokes the most response in both men and women. The Song of Solomon in chapter 2 6 describes the ideal position for intensified love play. Let his left hand be under my head and his right hand embrace me. The bride says the Hebrew word translated embrace usually means to embrace lovingly to fondle or stimulate the gentle stroking. In this position, the wife lies on her back with her legs extended. comfortably separated and her husband lies down on her right side placing his left arm under her neck. In this way, he can kiss her lips, neck and breast, and at the same time his right hand is free to fondle her genitals. Usually, a finger inserted deep into the vagina will not be physically stimulating for the wife. The most sensitive area is in front of and at the mouth of the vagina. Only the outer one-third of the vagina has nerve endings sexually sensitive to touch and stimulation is most be effective there rather than deep inside. The bride will need to learn what caresses particularly please her husband and it is his responsibility to let her know. In most cases they will center around the inner thighs, the scrotum, the area just behind the scrotum and the head and the underside of the penis. We've already spoken about the extreme importance of the clitors with its special sensitivity. Stimulation of the clitorol area for at least 20 minutes will bring orgasm almost every common. Some may require a longer period of stimulation. This stimulation may be done with the fingers or by the stimulation of the penis in intercourse, but it must be provided for the woman to reach her climax. Few women enjoy vigorous touch to the clitoris, and 95% report pain from direct stimulation to the glands or tip of the clitoris. Caressing alongside the shaft of the clitoris is usually more comfortable and more pleasing. Most women prefer slow, gently teasing resses at first with firmer, more rhythmic movements reserved for the time when they're close to orgasm. Many men make the mistake of beginning clitoreral stimulation too early in the love making. Most women prefer this only after excitement is underway. A woman may need to guide her husband's hand to show him exactly what feels most pleasurable to her and the rhythm that best stimulates her. A consistent and persistent movement of the husband's fingers alongside the shaft of the clitoris is usually most effective. When the wife tells or shows her husband that she is ready for insertion of the penis, he must Always insert the penis in the most gentle way. In fact, it may be best for the wife to guide the penis in, especially at first. Even after entrance of the penis, she will probably need light caressing of the clitoris to increase excitement to orgasm. Many women regularly require manual stimulation of the clitoris to achieve sexual release. Vigorous thrusting as soon as the penis enters the vagina is almost a guarantee that the wife's sensation will be blurred and that her excitement will actually decline. But the is fully inserted. Both partners may wish to develop some gentle slow motions with writhing side to side movements, which takes some of the pressure of the thrust away from the insensitive upper end of the vagina and toward the more responsive lower vaginal walls and the clitor. These slower movements will help the husband prolong the time until his orgasm as well. The art of love is largely a savoring of each phase of love making, seeking maximum experience of sensation and emotional gratification. rather than hurrying toward release. Positioning of the couple's bodies to suit their own individuality. You don't need a set pattern. Although early in marriage, the bride not having her tissue stretched from childbearing may find that some angles of penile insertion will cause discomfort. The right rhythm of movement is just as important as the right position in attaining a satisfactory response for both partners. The bride who is learning to enjoy sex will need to learn to concentrate on her own feelings, her own sensations, her own desires, then move with them and let them take her where they will. As she casts off all self-consciousness, she will become more sensual and more desirable to her husband. As she learns to respond totally to her husband, trusting herself in his hands, she will bring him the ecstatic thrills that every lover experiences. As I've mentioned before, there's a unique pleasure for the husband, seeing his wife respond to him with uninhibited passion and delight in his love making. The wife can in inensify her physical sensations by voluntarily strengthening her PC muscle contractions and tightening the muscles of the buttocks, legs, and thighs. Total concentration will be necessary for her to reach a satisfying climax. We have already described the physical sensations usually reported by women. But there is much more. A sense of complete freedom, of exultation, of joy, of intense pleasure. And this really cannot be described. There are five things I can suggest to increase the intensity and pleasure of the husband's orgasm. Number one, wait at least 24 hours after previous orgasm to allow the body to store a larger volume of sinal fluid. Number two, lengthen the foreplay and excitement period so that the penis can remain erect at least 20 minutes. Number three, increase your imagination factor by seeing and feeling your wife's ecstatic response to your knowledgeable, skillful stimulation, which brings her to the point of ultimate physical pleasure. Number four, voluntarily contract your anal sphincter muscles during your orgasm. Number five, increase the force of your thrusting just for the few seconds while your orgasm is in progress. As soon as the husband finishes ejaculation, he should immediately begin manual stimulation of his wife's clitors so that she can be given the opportunity to have repeated orgasms. She is designed to be multiorggasmic. However, she may not desire another orgasm and should lovingly let him know if she prefers to just relax and savor the afterglow of their love making together. In order to provide multiple orgasms, usually the stimulation of the clitoris must be continued all the time each orgasm is taking place. If you let the level of clitoreral stimulation decrease before she is fully satisfied sexually, then much of the stimulation process must be repeated in order for her to attain another orgasm. Remember the response curves we discussed earlier. While the man's orgasm usually occurs within 2 and 1/2 minutes, it takes the woman an average of 13 minutes, and both are likely to be satisfied more fully if about 20 minutes of appropriate stimulation takes place. The difference in timing of the male and female gives both opportunities to contribute to an exciting relationship. The husband can learn self-control and can learn to use the imaginative techniques that please a woman. He has the opportunity to develop patience and tenderness. and physical communication as she learns to keep him sexually aroused and intrigued. This makes their love making much more interesting and enriches their sexual relationship. There's always room for more creativity and love making. And lovers who are learning the joy of sexual intimacy will feel free to become more creative actually to have more fun and the whole process from pre-foreplay time on through orgasm and afterplay. During the last phase, the resol ution phase. The husband should continue to tenderly show love for his wife with hugs, kisses, and love pets. They should murmur their appreciation for each other as they lie close in each other's arms and enjoy each other's presence. Part of the special joy of this time will be simply in knowing you have skillfully brought pleasure to your marriage partner. Every time of physical union should be an exciting contest to see which partner can outplease the other. The husband should be the world's greatest authority on how to please his wife, and she should know all the little things that delight him. When you understand how important the sexual relationship is to the well-being of your entire marriage, you will save prime time for your love making and not just give yourselves a few crumbs of time at the end of a long busy day. This should be the Holy of Holies in your marriage, the time when no one else and nothing else can intrude upon the expression of your love for each other. But a warning, as your marriage progresses, situations will arise where you become angry, hurt, or resentful towards your partner. I encourage you to deal with these problems as they arise and do not let them touch your sexual relationship. Negative feelings can be vented through the very act that God designed to bring two people together as one flesh. Sex can be used to disappoint, reject, or pay back the me. So beware of vending your feelings in this way. You You will be cheating yourself, most of all, robbing yourself of one of the most precious aspects of your marriage, sexual intimacy. Women sometimes are tempted to use sex as a tool of manipulation, as a reward for their husband's good behavior, or as a punishment for his misdeeds. This is an indication of conditional love rather than the agape love that will always bless a marriage. Such use of sex destroys love in innocent and in the long run often sends a husband looking elsewhere. Both of you must be very careful not to use sex against the other. Sex should always represent the committed love and total oneness of your marriage. It is a precious gift from God and as with other precious things, it is rather fragile and easily marred or damaged. This is why the Bible gives us some basic principles for the enjoyment of sex in our marriage. These are found in 1 Corinthians 7:es 3-5. First, there is the principle of need. A husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife and likewise the wife to her husband. Scripture commands us to meet our mates's sexual need, understanding that both husband and wife have these needs and they should be met. When both of you take hold of this concept and do everything you can to meet your partner's needs, you will inevitably develop an exciting relationship. Second, there is a principle of authority. The wife's body does not belong to her alone, but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone. but also to his wife. Here we have the scriptural teaching that when we marry, we actually relinquish a part of our right to our own body and we turn that authority over to our mate. This applies equally to husband and wife. Obviously, it requires the utmost trust. People should understand this principle before they decide to marry. For on the day they wed in God's sight, they no longer have the right to withhold physical affection from their partner. They have relinquished the sole right of control over their own body. In one terms. The wife's body now also belongs to the husband. The husband's body now also belongs to the wife. Of course, this excludes unreasonable demands made on each other, for it means we must love our mates's body and care for it as for our own. This principle should be understood in the context of Ephesians 5:25-29. Husbands, love your wives even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it, that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing. But it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh, but nourish it and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church. Finally, in 1 Corinthians chapter 7:5, the Bible teaches the principle of habit. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. This principle of habit suggests that when you refuse to have sex with your partner, you are depriving him or her. Other translations use the word cheating or defrauding. Scripture tells us that we must not cheat our partner by abstaining from the habit of sex, except by mutual consent for a brief period of time. Sex should not be a boring habit, but it should occur regularly as a central part of the marriage. If we only engage in sex intermittently and occasionally, we open our marriage to all sorts of temptations. To see the full picture, we need to look at one more commandment concerning sex and marriage. This is found in Proverbs 5 18 and 19. Let thy fountain be blessed and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as a loving hind and pleasant robe. Let her breast satisfy thee at all times, and be thou ravished always with her love. The wife is pictured here as a sistern, a well, a spring shut up, a fountain sealed for her husband, whose waters will satisfy to the fullest. Be rvished in the Hebrew language means to reel and stay. is if intoxicated, to be enraptured and exhilarated, to be satisfied is to have your thirst quenched, to take your fill, to be satiated and abundantly saturated with that which pleases. The language of the Bible in the original Hebrew here makes it clear that this is a physical love affair between a husband and the wife of his youth. These are some of the most graphic lines in scripture. The verse speaks literally of the wife's nipples and then describes them metaphorically as fountains of wine that will keep her husband intoxicated with her love. But it is more than a physical love affair because the word used for love is one which includes the elements of emotional love and commitment love as well as physical desire. So this is the love affair commanded by God for every husband and wife and absorbing willing interchange of mind, body, spirit and emotions. This is what you should look forward to and develop in your sexual relationship. But I hope you will remember that nonsexual physical contact is absolutely essential in building the thrill of intimacy and keeping the flame of romantic love burning between husband and wife. The people who come to my office saying, "I love my partner, but I'm just not in love with him or her." are the ones who are having very little affectionate touching in their marriage. No hugs or love ps, few kisses, no snuggling close at night. Some women complain that when they touch their husbands affectionately, the husbands take it as a signal to have sex. Some women shy away from any touch because they think it may bring on sex at a time when it is not convenient. You really need to come to an understanding about this. Certain touches are clearly sexual. and do communicate a readiness to make love. But touch must not be used exclusively as a sexual signal. This will deprive you of the warmth and physical tenderness that every marriage needs. Touching is the most natural act in the world for all people of any age, married or unmarried. And our need for it is more basic than our need for sex. Sex falls under the category of desire rather than need because unmarried people can live happy, fulfilled lives without it. But the caring touch of another human being is an actual need that should not be ignore. Four. As babies, loving and cuddling was necessary for our emotional development and physical well-being. As adults, we have a deep need for the warmth, reassurance, and intimacy of nonsexual touching, whether we are conscious of it or not. Often, we turn to sex when what we really want is just the comfort of loving closeness. As one husband observed, sex is a lot of extra effort when all you need is a real warm hug. So, from the very beginning of your marriage, make a practice of weaving loving physical touch into the fabric of your daily life. Take some time for closess early in the morning before you get up and snuggle together some every night. Hold hands at the table when you pray. When you watch TV, sit together so that you're touching in some way. Hug and kiss when you separate for the day and do the same when you come together in the evening. Lovingly agree that touching casually and often will signal your growing intimacy, not a request for sex. You must be able to touch each other in a relaxed way without fear of rebuk or misunderstanding. This council applies also to people who believe themselves to be unaffected. who say they just do not like to be touched. I know from counseling experience that anyone can become affectionate even in a few months with the right motivation and encouragement. Anyone can learn to express his love through physical closeness. And when this happens, the marriage is almost sure to become a real love affair. Even when you're angry with each other, you need to touch. Therapists have found that couples who have experienced years of hostility and bickering are helped by learning to touch warmly and intimately. Actions do change attitudes. Physical contact is absolutely essential in building and maintaining the emotions of love. Touching kindles a flame that should be natural within marriage. So if you want to keep the flame alive, you need to make a practice of physical touching. Here are some suggestions I give to couples I counsel. Set aside practice times at night at least once a week to learn the delights of nonsexual body caressing. Make a date ahead of time. Anticipate pleasure and relaxation together. Show each other where you like to be touched and the kind of touch that pleases you. Usually a light touch is the most thrilling. Be imaginative in the way you caress. Remember the purpose to establish a good emotional climate of warmth, love, and affection, not to initiate sex. If sex results later because you both want it, that's all right. But you need to learn to enjoy nonsexual touching during these exercise times. Demonstrate to each other how you prefer to be held. Kiss your part. in the way you would like to be kissed. Not to criticize past performances, but to communicate something your partner may not have sensed before. Use lotion or baby oil and body caressing. Use KY jelly when touching the genital areas of the body. Bisco caressing should be totally pleasant. Try caressing, not tickling each other's feet. For almost everyone, this is an enjoyable and non-threatening form of touch communication. Some people bathe dry and oil each other's feet gently and leisurely. Occasionally take your shower or bath together. Make this a light-hearted, sensuous experience. To learn the art of expressing warm, sensual feelings, you will have to slow down. If what you're doing feels good, take the time to enjoy it. This may become the best part of your day. Caress the other's back. Pay special attention to the back of the neck at the hairline and the area just above the small of the back. Maintain a posit attitude. The attitude of yes rather than no. If some manner of caressing or the area chosen does not feel particularly enjoyable, gently lead your partner on to something you do like. Never say stop doing that. The atmosphere should always be delightfully permissive. Practice communicating warmth. Learn to be emotionally aware of your own feelings and those of your partner. Focus on expressing your love through the medium of touch. Caress the other space in the dark, becoming more aware of your partner and spelling out love through sensitive fingertips. Make sure both of you are having equal opportunity to give and to receive. Take turns in giving pleasure to each other. When you caress, use a slow, tender, appreciative touch, indicating how much you enjoy your partner's body, each part of it. When people feel negative about some part of their body, it's more difficult for them to relate freely to their partner. Dr. Nate realize that every part of his or her body is pleasing, attractive, and desirable to you. Develop positive feelings toward your own body. This is biblical because God created your body. Meditate on Psalm 139. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful. I know that full well. Communicate verbally during your exercises, telling each other what you especially enjoy and how makes you feel. Sleep in as few clothes as possible. Clothing is only a hindrance during these touching sessions. Practice breathing together in rhythm, both of you lying on your side, the other pressed up against your back, hand on your abdomen to gauge your breathing and adjust his rhythm to yours. After a few minutes, reverse places and do this again. Go to bed when your partner does every night. Even if you have to study, get up later after a prolonged period of loving closess and do it or change your schedule so that you do your studying very early in the morning. Then come back to bed for a few minutes of closeness before you both get up. You should both be in bed together by 10:00 every night. Have a period of 15 to 30 minutes to lie in each other's arms in the dark before you drift off to sleep. Whisper together, sharing private thoughts and pleasant little experiences of the day. Avoid controversial or negative topics. This is the time to build intimacy and wind down for sleep. You will become used to sharing things with each other that you would not otherwise mention. This is one of the marvelous pleasures of marriage. In each other's arms, the hurts and frustrations of the day are healed. You may want to pray together at this time or just relax in the comfort of being loved. Establish the cozy habit of staying in some sort of physical contact while you're going to sleep. A hand or a leg touching your partner, for instance. Begin every day with a few minutes of cuddling and snugging before you get out of bed. A husband can tell his wife how nice she feels, how glad he is to be close to her. A wife can nestle in her husband's arms and tell him she wishes they didn't have to leave each other that morning. Just be close and savor gentle physical contact for a while. It will make the morning bout with the alarm clock far more pleasant. So allow a few minutes in your schedule for this. Even though one or both of you must be up and off to work, it is establishing this kind of life together that will keep the thrill of romantic love alive and exciting in the relationship. The practice of tenderness, loving gestures, frequent affectionate physical touching, shared thoughts, exchanged feelings, mutual supportiveness and trust, the valuing of each other's bodies almost as if they were your own. Shared laughter, a closeness so substantial and abiding that no one else can interfere with it. All this adds up to continuous sexual interaction in deeply satisfying form. It is the mating pattern of true sexual intimacy. If you develop any sort of problem in your sexual relationship, you need to try to solve it as quickly as possible and not let it drag on. You will find counsel for most of the common sex problems in our book, Intended for Pleasure, and our counseling cassette album, Sex Technique and Sex Problems in Marriage. If problems persist, seek the counsel of an interested physician. or therapist. I can't begin to describe how good a marriage relationship can be when a Christian couple are totally committed to Jesus Christ. When they are committed to each other and secure in their spiritual and physical oneness, when they have an excitement found only in each other, knowing this is for as long as they live. This genuine total oneness and completeness somehow cannot quite be explained to one who has not yet experienced it. If you want to enter to this kind of love relationship. You should be aware that God is the only source of real love. And his love is the power supply that feeds the fires of true love between husband and wife. It will not be enough to learn about God in this love. You must learn from him and become linked to him in an eternal relationship through new life in Jesus Christ. You may already have made this choice, but if not, let me explain how you become linked to God in an eternal relationship. John 3:16-17 says, "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not his son into the world to condemn the world, but the world through him might be saved." The Bible teaches that the Lord Jesus Christ is the son of God who came to earth through the miracle of the virgin birth. He lived a perfect life as a man and in a specific moment in history, he died on a cross. bear the sins of the whole world, the sins of every individual who will ever live. He died for you personally. Through that mighty act, he paid the death penalty for sin and open the way forby your sins and mine can be forgiven and remembered no more. After three days in the grave, Jesus demonstrated to all people for all times that he is God by rising from the dead a legally authenticated fact of history. After more than a month spent on earth, In his resurrection body, he ascended to heaven with all power and authority in his possession. It is written in John 1:12, "But as many as received him, to them gave he the power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name." Colossians 1:13-14 explains that the Father hath delivered us from the power of darkness, and hath translated us into the kingdom of his dear son, in whom we have redemption through his blood, even the forgiveness of sins. 2 Corinthians 5:17-18 promises, "Therefore, if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature. Old things are passed away. Behold, all things are become new, and all things are of God, who hath reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ." Salvation and new life come by trusting Jesus Christ, the son of God, as your savior, and receiving him by faith. Here's a prayer that you can pray if you never trusted in Jesus Christ. Heavenly Father, I realize I am a sinner and cannot do one thing to save myself. Right now, I believe Jesus Christ died on the cross, shedding his blood as full payment for my sins, past, present, and future. And by rising from the dead, he demonstrated that he is God. As best I know how, I am believing in him, putting all my trust in Jesus Christ as my personal savior, as my only hope for salvation and eternal life. Right now, I am receiving Christ into my life, and I thank you for saving me as you promised, and I ask that you will give me increasing faith and wisdom and joy as I study and believe your word. For I ask this in Jesus' name. Amen. As committed Christians committed to each other, you have every resource for developing a thrilling love relationship and a strong, meaningful marriage that will ensure your happiness and emotional well-being throughout your life together. I really do want you to have a wonderful marriage. 

Thanks for listening to the Inspiration Media Podcast, Timeless Voices for Today's World. To explore more messages and resources, visit us at inspirational.org.nz. See you next time.