Okay, let's unpack this. We're diving headfirst into probably the single biggest behavioral
energy leak that we've pulled from the source material. If you've ever felt just exhausted by,
you know, romantic or even professional pursuits, that kind of sinking feeling of pursuit burnout,
then yeah, this deep dive is your exit ramp. We're really zeroing in on the crucial transition from
chasing to choosing. Exactly. It's the essential next step in the material we've been looking at.
We've previously covered the diagnoses, you know, understanding why interactions might fail,
and we debunked some myths like relying on superficial charm. Now we move into the actual
mechanics. What behavior has to change to shift you out of that scarcity mindset towards one of,
well, intrinsic value? Right. So our mission today is pretty simple. Let's clearly define the
internal engine, like what drives chasing versus choosing, and then unmask the four distinct ways
chasing actually systematically reduces your value, and most importantly, give you the practical
tools, the filters, the boundaries, everything you need to adopt that choosing strategy effectively.
Okay, let's start at the foundation of that, chasing. At its core, chasing is persistent
behavior driven by an internal feeling of scarcity. It really doesn't matter what you're
chasing, a specific job, a date, validation, whatever. If the behavior keeps going despite
clear signs of low interest or, you know, poor alignment, that's chasing. And the subtle
difference here, the key thing is that internal motivator, right? When you look at the behaviors
listed in the notes, the tracer is always running on that "I need this mindset," like "I need this
person to like me," or "I need this attention just to feel okay." It's this urgency that really
signals a deficit inside. Precisely. Now contrast that with choosing. Choosing operates from a place
of inherent standard.
and assumed options.
It's a different starting point.
You look at potential interactions, potential people,
and you say, okay, I want this
because it aligns with my life, my values.
It sort of presupposes you already have worth,
you're selecting what adds to it,
not searching for something to complete you.
- Okay, that makes perfect sense on paper.
But you know, if I feel that internal pull,
that gut feeling that I need urgency,
how does that scarcity actually like,
poison the well?
Where does the damage really show up?
- It shows up as what we're calling the scarcity signal.
And it often manifests as four distinct drainers,
as we've termed them.
The first one is the most immediate,
signaling scarcity itself.
When you chase, you basically announce to the world,
non-verbally, that you believe
you have no better alternatives.
- And people pick up on that so fast.
It's not about playing hard to get,
it's just having a full life, right?
Like if you always say yes immediately,
or you're constantly over texting,
or you rearrange your whole schedule
for someone giving minimum effort back,
you're essentially telling them my time isn't valuable,
and I don't have anything else going on,
which isn't attractive.
- Exactly, social value, perceived value,
it's partly built on your discernment,
who you choose to spend time with and why.
If you're just indiscriminately available
to anyone who shows a flicker of interest,
your perceived value, well, it plummets.
- Okay, drainer number two.
This one feels like the most exhausting, killing presence.
Chasing seems fundamentally rooted in the future,
doesn't it?
You're not here.
You're thinking about the next text,
analyzing the last interaction,
worrying about the final outcome.
- And that anxiety creates this huge cognitive load.
You physically cannot be authentically present
and engaged, curious, really listening
when your brain is kind of panicking
about getting validation.
The chaser becomes performative or rehearsed.
That lack of genuine presence, it makes real connection basically impossible.
It's a vicious cycle of self-sabotage.
And these first two, they just inevitably lead to the last two drainers, right?
Increasing neediness and lowering standards.
That future-focused anxiety pushes you, maybe terrifies you, into compromising on what you
actually want or deserve.
Tell us more about how quickly standards drop when scarcity takes over.
Oh, it's rapid.
If you're in that chasing mode, you start accepting interactions that feel, well, fundamentally
wrong on some level.
Maybe it's a friendship that just drains your emotional battery every time, or a date who's
chronically disrespectful of your time, or even a relationship that requires you to sort
of shrink yourself to fit.
And the kicker is lower standards lead to worse outcomes, which then reinforce your
feeling of scarcity, creating this feedback loop that just makes you chase even harder.
It's a self-sustaining misery engine, really.
Wow.
Let's see how those drainers just feed into each other in a terrible downward spiral.
Okay, so if someone listening wants to break that cycle today, right now, what do they
even start?
How do we pivot from chasing whatever seems available to actually choosing what aligns?
We have to change the fundamental strategy.
It's like moving from grabbing at every single bargain on the clearance rack, just because
it's cheap, to shopping with a clear list.
Choosing means filtering your interactions based on predefined values, not just emotional
whims or panic.
Gotcha.
So the concrete step here is setting up that filter, defining your three non-negotiables
for a quality connection or partner.
This moves the decision-making process away from that frantic emotional reaction and towards
a more, well, objective assessment.
Yes, and this is a really powerful practical.
exercise, we'd invite you, the listener, right now just mentally pause for maybe, maybe just a minute.
Reflect and don't think about superficial stuff like height or income for a partner. Focus on three
non-superficial qualities, character traits, lifestyle alignments. Yeah, think about what
genuinely supports a healthy interaction, a healthy life for you. The notes suggested some clear,
measurable things like, for instance, do they consistently communicate directly and clearly?
That's a big one. Or do they seem to prioritize personal growth? Are they trying to improve
themselves? Or even just simply, do they consistently respect your boundaries and your time?
Those are the kind of markers. If you can define three of those, you have your initial filter,
your starting point. Okay, but let's be real for a second. When there's high attraction involved,
those three non-negotiables can feel, well, pretty flimsy sometimes. What if someone meets two out
of three? Or they're incredibly attractive, but they fail on one key point, like say communication.
How do we handle that internal conflict? Yes, that's what we call the rigidity trap.
It's a common pitfall. The three non-negotiables are designed to shortlist and guide your focus,
not to be some kind of a dehumanizing checklist. If someone clearly fails a core non-negotiable,
you recognize that incompatibility early. Before you get deeply invested emotionally,
you don't have to judge them as a person. You simply observe, "Okay, this doesn't align with
what I require for a close relationship or partnership." Attraction definitely needs
kindness and nuance, but real commitment, that requires compatibility. The filter protects that
compatibility piece. That distinction is so crucial. It's not about being cold or writing
people off. It's about being objective about your own needs. Okay, so once we have that choosing
mindset and the filter in place, what are the sort of behavioral rules? How do we
apply choosing socially day to day.
Right. The first rule really involves setting clear, often time-based limits. If you're
operating from a choosing mindset, you consciously limit the initial texting frequency, for example.
You push to meet in person sooner rather than later to assess genuine chemistry and fit,
not just virtual compatibility. And crucially, you limit your emotional investment until
you see clear, reciprocal quality interest being shown back to you. This avoids those
draining months of one-sided virtual pursuit that go nowhere.
And this ties directly into that concept of energy accounting, which I think is just a
brilliant practical tool. Before you even agree to a plan, or maybe even before replying
to a text sometimes, you check your internal energy budget. You literally ask yourself,
"Will this specific interaction add to my life, or is it likely to actively drain me
for the next day or two?"
And if the honest answer is drain, you pass. Politely, but firmly, choosing means you are
intentionally selective with your most valuable resource, your time, and your attention. You
do this to protect your presence, to enforce your standards. You're actively choosing your
own piece, your own wellbeing, over maybe getting some potential validation.
We should probably also commit to that suggested weekly practice, the one to build these choosing
muscles, as the material calls them. What does that actually look like in real terms?
Yeah, it's simple but effective. Pick just one interaction this coming week where you
know you would normally default to that anxious chaser mode. We all have them. Then apply
one specific filter or boundary from your choosing strategy. Maybe you limit your follow-up
messages to just one after the initial outreach. Or you set a soft deadline in your own head,
like, "If they don't confirm this plan by Friday evening, you make other plans for yourself
instead."
good. You move on. And the goal here isn't necessarily success with that specific person,
right? It's more about tracking your internal state afterwards. Did applying that boundary
make me feel less anxious? Was I clearer about the outcome even if it wasn't the one I initially
hoped for? Exactly that. You're training yourself gradually to tolerate uncertainty without
sacrificing your self-respect in the process. It's a skill. Okay, now let's definitely address
the real world scenarios, the tricky bits. We know the pitfall of misunderstanding this
is huge. People worry that choosing just looks like manipulation or you're playing games
being aloof. Let's be absolutely clear on this. Choosing is the opposite of manipulation.
Manipulation relies on trickery, on pretending to be scarce or unavailable to create false
interest. Choosing is just transparent honesty. It's simply prioritizing your own boundaries
and preferences clearly without drama or hidden agendas. If someone perceives your clarity
or your boundaries as game playing, well, that's really their misinterpretation stemming
from their own expectations likely based on chasing behavior they're used to. It's not
actually your problem to fix. Okay, let's use a common example, one that came up in
the listener notes. The scenario where someone, say a woman, texts sporadically and maybe
go silent for days, but then is incredibly intense and engaging when you do finally meet
up in person, that hot and cold cycle can be really intoxicating. Right. The typical
chaser reaction here is frantic. They over text during the quiet periods, trying desperately
to earn security or stability from this inconsistent person. They focus on remembering the high
intensity moments and start rationalizing or ignoring the periods of neglect or inconsistency.
Whereas the choosing reaction, it requires more self-control.
doesn't it? You have to step back. You recognize the pattern for what it is, intermittent reinforcement
coupled with inconsistent communication. You check your filter. Does inconsistent communication
fit your non-negotiables? And if it doesn't, you apply your boundary. You might kindly,
neutrally pull back your energy and attention. You redirect it towards interactions that
do align with clear, consistent communication, which is what you decided you need.
Perfect example. And here's another classic setting. You're in a group situation, maybe
a part of your work event. The person you're interested in is deeply engaged with other
people, networking, laughing, just genuinely unavailable for that moment. The chaser reaction
is often to try and cut into that conversation, somehow monopolize their time, or force some
kind of exclusive interaction right then and there to get that hit of validation.
That's the panic response kicking in, isn't it? I need their attention now.
It absolutely is. The chooser, by contrast, interacts confidently within the group, meets
other people, focuses on being genuinely present and engaging in their own conversations. The
choice is internal. I am valuable and my company is desirable, whether this specific person
recognizes it right now or not. The source material suggests that attraction often grows
fastest when you aren't actively pursuing from that place of need, but rather from a
place of choice and self-contained confidence. You're secure in your own orbit.
Okay, but what happens when someone kind of throws that anxiety back at you? What if they
accuse you of being disinterested or aloof precisely because you are now choosing and
setting clear boundaries where maybe you didn't before?
This is often the moment of truth, actually. If your choices are consistent, the right
people, meaning those who genuinely value clarity, respect, and boundaries, will notice
and respect them. They might adjust.
that they'll respect it. Those people who are only interested in you when you're
actively casing them, sacrificing your needs for theirs,
they will reveal themselves much, much sooner. They won't like the shift.
Which, at the end of the day, saves you massive amounts of emotional energy and
time that you would have otherwise poured into chasing a poor draining fit.
It's actually a gift, even if it stings initially.
Exactly. So to just synthesize and recap quickly,
the core markers of chasing behavior are that underlying neediness,
the tendency towards lowered standards, and that lack of authentic presence.
The solution isn't just wishing it away, it's creating a concrete behavior system
built on honesty and clarity. Using tools like the three value filter,
setting clear time and energy limits, and committing to that weekly
self-regulating practice. And this behavior system, this is the
action layer, right? It builds on the foundation we laid out earlier,
diagnosing the core problems and rejecting those superficial fixes.
Choosing is how you actually live out that self-respect we talked about.
And this leads us neatly to our final provocative thought for you to consider.
If choosing protects your standards and effectively dictates your behavioral
ceiling like what you will ultimately accept from
others, then the quality of that choice, what you deem acceptable,
is ultimately determined by something much deeper.
Right. The ultimate application of choosing, how high you set that bar,
relies entirely on your internal floor, your baseline.
So maybe think about how your fundamental self-respect floor ultimately
shapes your dating or interaction ceiling.
Because what you truly believe you deserve deep down, that's what you will
inevitably choose. And that intrinsic self-worth, well that
that's likely what we'll be digging into next time.
Thanks for joining us for this deep dive. And please, seriously, try that one minute
values exercise sometime this week. See who comes up. We'll see you then.