00:00:00.320 --> 00:00:06.520 Hello and welcome to the Gay Man's Coaching podcast with me, your host, Keegan Hurst. Um, this is 00:00:06.520 --> 00:00:11.000 the podcast for gay men who want to build a life that they're proud of. Look in the mirror and feel 00:00:11.000 --> 00:00:17.480 proud of the person that they see. Um, I'm really excited. I want to I wanted to talk to you about. 00:00:17.879 --> 00:00:21.920 I want to talk to you a bit about something personal, actually. Um, I've been diagnosed with 00:00:21.920 --> 00:00:27.040 depression, and I wanted to talk a little bit about that. I also wanted to talk about, uh, a bit 00:00:27.040 --> 00:00:32.560 of a perspective shift that I have had that I took from a guy called Peter Crone, um, who does a 00:00:32.560 --> 00:00:38.360 lot of mindset work and talking about how we can often feel that we're lacking in areas of our 00:00:38.360 --> 00:00:43.040 life, but actually we're not lacking we, for whatever reason, find out in ourselves, 00:00:43.040 --> 00:00:49.440 intentionally blocking things out. So, you know, if you find yourself without maybe you feel you're 00:00:49.440 --> 00:00:53.480 not having connection, there's probably a reason that you're blocking it. And maybe to do saved it. 00:00:53.480 --> 00:01:00.440 I'm going to kind of get into that. Um, but I just want to share before I do that. Um, we have 00:01:00.440 --> 00:01:06.879 got our leads event coming up soon. Uh, one on one coaching. Um, and a massive action 00:01:06.880 --> 00:01:12.920 there. Uh, that's the GMT game. Sorry, the day after. And then we've got our massive action day at the 00:01:12.960 --> 00:01:18.400 at the end of the month in Edinburgh. And I just want to say this last week I was in Belfast. I 00:01:18.400 --> 00:01:25.400 flew over to Belfast on Sunday evening. Um, my, one of my mentors, uh, coaches, a guy called Phil, he 00:01:25.400 --> 00:01:32.280 lives in Belfast and he had an event on for other business owners on Tuesday. Uh, and my 00:01:32.280 --> 00:01:38.040 coach. Uh, because coaches have coaches. Oh, they should do. Um, he lives in Belfast. Uh, so I went 00:01:38.040 --> 00:01:44.600 over early on the Sunday. I went over on Sunday and got in a session with him on, on the Monday. 00:01:44.640 --> 00:01:50.720 I cannot stress this. I cannot stress it. It's so important to 00:01:51.000 --> 00:01:57.360 connect with people who are in a similar spot to you or, you know, obviously I 00:01:57.680 --> 00:02:04.589 my I have my coach because he's a great coach and he helps me improving things, but we're 00:02:04.589 --> 00:02:10.309 able to chat about business. We're able to chat about life. You know, we have similar goals and 00:02:10.310 --> 00:02:16.830 dreams and ambitions and challenges, and to be able to talk with someone on that level where 00:02:17.990 --> 00:02:21.909 you can talk about how you want to challenge yourself, how you want to grow, or how you're 00:02:21.910 --> 00:02:26.189 having particular challenges because you're stepping into a new identity or doing something 00:02:26.190 --> 00:02:33.149 new and not feel the need to have to explain why you're doing that. It's such a it's 00:02:33.149 --> 00:02:39.310 it's so empowering. And then being in a room with, you know, I was with other fitness coaches, I was 00:02:39.310 --> 00:02:44.509 with other business owners with my mentorship. You know, again, it's really important to be in a room 00:02:44.509 --> 00:02:47.950 where there are people who are in front of you, the people who are behind you, but you all have 00:02:47.950 --> 00:02:54.069 that similar aspirations, goals, challenges drive a willingness to. 00:02:54.869 --> 00:03:00.509 It's it's like being in a shared, uh, it's like being in a, in a team, you know, there's a shared 00:03:00.550 --> 00:03:07.429 goal, and that shared goal is growth. Um, and you find that it's often not 00:03:07.670 --> 00:03:12.069 the stuff that comes from the coach or the mentor. And we find this when we have our massive action 00:03:12.070 --> 00:03:15.950 days. Obviously, there is a lot of value to be taken, and there will be things that are taken 00:03:15.950 --> 00:03:20.589 away and that you implement. But I feel that the thing that always sticks with, with me and what a 00:03:20.589 --> 00:03:24.349 lot of our clients say when they come to our in-person events, is the conversations that they 00:03:24.350 --> 00:03:30.229 have with other people, because that realization that you are not on your own. That you there are 00:03:30.229 --> 00:03:33.589 people doing what you want to do. There are people who have done what you want to do. There are 00:03:33.589 --> 00:03:38.190 people that are trying to do what you've already done and being able to have that conversation. And 00:03:38.190 --> 00:03:44.910 one of the best ways, in fact, the best way that we can solidify our own 00:03:44.910 --> 00:03:50.549 learnings and understandings of things is teach it to somebody else, distill it down and give it 00:03:50.549 --> 00:03:56.750 to somebody else in practical, implementable tips. And that's why there's that old adage that if you 00:03:56.789 --> 00:04:01.299 can't explain something to a four year old, four year old. You don't really understand it yourself. 00:04:01.299 --> 00:04:07.859 And so when you go through a process, a challenge, a growth, whatever it is and you 00:04:07.859 --> 00:04:11.820 experience it and you're able to then see someone who's going through the same thing and be able to 00:04:11.859 --> 00:04:15.419 relay that to them and say, my experience, I did this, this and this. This is what I found that help. 00:04:15.420 --> 00:04:22.339 This is what I found that didn't it? What that is, is then it's positive, um, reinforcement 00:04:22.339 --> 00:04:27.738 about what you have done and it becomes more a part of your identity than it was before. So 00:04:27.739 --> 00:04:34.139 everybody everybody wins. I always remember a rising tide lifts all ships. And if 00:04:34.820 --> 00:04:41.819 I have always valued coaching because of obviously because of rugby and 00:04:41.859 --> 00:04:47.459 I am I am where I am in life because of, because of the coaches that I've had in the mentors that 00:04:47.459 --> 00:04:54.139 I've had. But even after rugby, I believed people when they said, you know, 00:04:54.179 --> 00:04:59.979 don't, don't make your own mistakes, pay somebody else to who's made the mistakes and they can help 00:04:59.980 --> 00:05:06.619 you save time. And I've done that. And when I first invested in Phil as a mentor, I 00:05:06.659 --> 00:05:12.579 paid it was I think it was about 8,000 pounds to work with him. It was my entire life savings. It 00:05:12.579 --> 00:05:19.299 was my life savings. And I thought, I'm going to take a punt on myself. And something that another 00:05:19.299 --> 00:05:25.299 mentor of mine came and said to me. He said the cost to work with someone is part of the coaching 00:05:25.299 --> 00:05:30.260 of working with that person, because you have to have some skin in the game and you have to take 00:05:30.260 --> 00:05:35.820 that chance and bet on yourself. And that in and of itself is a big nod and a big movement towards 00:05:35.820 --> 00:05:40.059 the person that you want to be, because you can sit there and go, oh, that's too expensive, that's 00:05:40.060 --> 00:05:45.859 this, that's that. But the return, an investment in itself is never a poor investment. And, you know, 00:05:45.900 --> 00:05:51.499 being in a room with other people who are doing what you've done or have done, what you want to do 00:05:51.540 --> 00:05:58.220 is never a poor investment. And even now, with a successful business, um, you know, I've been a coach 00:05:58.220 --> 00:06:03.529 for a long time. I know a lot of shit. There's still things that I'm learning. There's still ways 00:06:03.530 --> 00:06:09.649 to improve. The world is always changing. Um, I cannot stress the importance of getting in those 00:06:09.649 --> 00:06:15.409 rooms. And if you ever feel like you're falling behind in life, not fulfilling your potential, I 00:06:15.409 --> 00:06:19.289 can guarantee you I'm not getting in those rooms, I guarantee it. I don't even know it. Need to know 00:06:19.290 --> 00:06:23.049 anything about you. If you are feeling like that, you're not getting in those rooms and you're not 00:06:23.049 --> 00:06:29.849 getting in them regularly enough. Um, so this episode I wanted to talk about, um, kind of 00:06:30.209 --> 00:06:37.130 a bit of a perspective shift that I had from listening to a guy called, uh, Peter Crone, 00:06:37.530 --> 00:06:44.409 and he was talking about how what we are missing in our life is 00:06:44.410 --> 00:06:50.369 rarely absent. It's usually just just blocked. So, you know, you don't need to seek out love and 00:06:50.369 --> 00:06:57.170 health and money and peace. It what has actually happened is, for whatever reason, we often build 00:06:57.209 --> 00:07:02.929 barriers that Stop them coming into our lives. Our stop is experiencing them. So it might sound a 00:07:02.929 --> 00:07:09.449 little bit woo wah, but I was recently diagnosed with depression and I've probably had it 00:07:09.450 --> 00:07:16.048 for well over a year right after actually having that conversation. Um, and someone 00:07:16.049 --> 00:07:22.130 saying, you know, a professional saying you are depressed. Um, you know, days where I've struggled 00:07:22.130 --> 00:07:27.770 to get out of bed, where everything's been a slog, feeling bleak, you know, there have been times 00:07:27.770 --> 00:07:31.649 where I've thought, I don't want to be here anymore. Not that I'm always going to do anything 00:07:31.649 --> 00:07:38.529 about it, but, you know, it felt quite lonely, and. And I isolated, um, 00:07:39.209 --> 00:07:45.210 I think, and so I've been something that I've been proactively doing is trying to talk about that 00:07:45.210 --> 00:07:52.170 because I think it's my initial response to it was feeling shame, feeling guilt, feeling, you 00:07:52.170 --> 00:07:57.409 know, I'm a coach, I should I'm supposed to have all my shit together. I'm a leader. I've got a team, 00:07:57.409 --> 00:08:02.159 I've got kids. I've got, you know, I should have all my shit together and I shouldn't be struggling 00:08:02.160 --> 00:08:09.039 with this, which is obviously bullshit because it's okay not to be okay. Um, so something that 00:08:09.040 --> 00:08:13.359 shame, shame lives in the shadows and it lives in not speaking about things. So something that I've 00:08:13.359 --> 00:08:17.720 been trying to do is talk really openly and honestly about it. I've spoken to a couple of 00:08:17.720 --> 00:08:23.440 friends and it's interesting the different takes that people get. Um, and one friend talked to me 00:08:23.440 --> 00:08:30.359 about, uh, Jim Carrey, uh, and he, he said that depression is, uh, a 00:08:30.680 --> 00:08:35.759 symptom, a sign that an old version of you is living a life that they don't want to live 00:08:35.760 --> 00:08:42.639 anymore. There's something not aligned there. Um, and another friend, slightly different take 00:08:42.640 --> 00:08:49.559 said everybody focuses on trying to fix depression and remove depression, when really, if 00:08:49.560 --> 00:08:54.719 you think about it, rather than trying to remove the depression. What if you try and add in more 00:08:54.840 --> 00:09:00.039 happiness and contentment? And that usually comes down to alignment, right? What do you really want? 00:09:00.080 --> 00:09:05.199 How do you want to achieve it? How do you want to live your life? But I thought they were for, for 00:09:05.200 --> 00:09:11.999 want of a better phrase, two cheeks of the same ass, uh, in that they were saying similar things in 00:09:12.000 --> 00:09:17.519 that it's, you know, it's our responsibility to get an understanding of what is it that's making us 00:09:17.520 --> 00:09:24.279 feel this way, and what do we need in our lives to to change it? Um, and what have we 00:09:24.480 --> 00:09:30.439 built into our lives, whether that's the systems, the relationships, the way we do things. It could 00:09:30.439 --> 00:09:36.639 be our work. It could be where we live. It could be so many things that can cause it. Um, and then I 00:09:36.640 --> 00:09:43.599 saw this, uh, I remember this by Peter Crone and kind of getting back into it. And he says when he 00:09:43.599 --> 00:09:49.718 talks about love, he says, don't seek for love. Seek for the barriers that you have built against it. 00:09:49.719 --> 00:09:55.559 And you can you can adjust that to anything. Right? So you can adjust that to health, money, peace, 00:09:55.559 --> 00:10:01.239 connection in me talking about depression. You could say contentedness because I feel like 00:10:01.240 --> 00:10:06.839 happiness is like a happiness happens in a moment. Contentedness is something that runs through our 00:10:06.840 --> 00:10:12.159 lives. You know where we can go? Yeah. I'm happy. I'm okay with my life. You know, I'm content. And I 00:10:12.159 --> 00:10:17.359 think that's something to strive for. Versus happiness. Happiness feels like a spot on a map 00:10:17.359 --> 00:10:24.239 versus a level. So don't seek for contentedness. Seek for the 00:10:24.280 --> 00:10:29.240 barriers that, in my case, that I have built against it. You know, a feeling of always having to 00:10:29.240 --> 00:10:35.760 be on. A feeling of always having to put other people's needs ahead of my own, a feel of, you know, 00:10:35.800 --> 00:10:42.279 being, being, having to present a particular way. Um, which, even as I say, that sounds hypocritical when 00:10:42.280 --> 00:10:47.759 I talk about authenticity, but there's this dilemma that I find myself in where, well, you know, 00:10:47.800 --> 00:10:53.760 maybe I'm supposed to have everything figured out and I'm helping people. Um, but, you know, this 00:10:53.760 --> 00:11:00.029 episode isn't about chasing more and adding more into our lives 00:11:00.030 --> 00:11:06.949 because we are constantly bombarded with news information. Do this. Don't do this. Add this. 00:11:06.949 --> 00:11:12.030 You need this product. You need need. Need, need more and more and more. More. It's about taking 00:11:12.030 --> 00:11:17.749 responsibility for the things that we've actually added into our life that are in the way. Um, and 00:11:17.750 --> 00:11:23.909 the reason that we do that is the, the default behavior is usually that we are looking outwards. 00:11:23.909 --> 00:11:30.669 We're searching, we're constantly looking to consume more content material. 00:11:30.669 --> 00:11:36.389 We're looking to optimize. We're looking to make things efficient. We blame timing. We blame people. 00:11:36.389 --> 00:11:42.150 We blame blame circumstances. But what we need to do is we need to flip that around and ask, what am 00:11:42.150 --> 00:11:48.149 I doing, consciously or unconsciously, that keeps the things that I want in my life out? 00:11:49.109 --> 00:11:55.749 So when we lack things, it's often an old protection 00:11:55.749 --> 00:12:01.269 mechanism, safety mechanism that we have built up to keep people out. You know, often people feel 00:12:01.310 --> 00:12:07.789 lonely, don't spend time with connection because they're terrified of rejection, or they're 00:12:07.789 --> 00:12:14.750 terrified of not feeling enough or of having to perform. And so it becomes a self-fulfilling 00:12:14.750 --> 00:12:19.869 prophecy. It's very rarely bad luck. And don't get me wrong, we all have bad luck and circumstances 00:12:19.870 --> 00:12:25.949 and things that happen to us. But just really think about that question, whether it's whether 00:12:25.950 --> 00:12:30.390 it's money that you maybe don't have as much money in your life as you like. What am I doing, 00:12:30.390 --> 00:12:34.908 consciously or unconsciously, that is keeping it out, you know? Are you actively not going for 00:12:34.909 --> 00:12:41.229 bigger jobs, better paid opportunities? Are you actively spending to, um, soothe 00:12:41.229 --> 00:12:47.590 yourself? You know, take take another area? Uh, let's take love and connection. What am I doing, 00:12:47.590 --> 00:12:53.029 consciously or unconsciously, that keeps it out? And think about what those barriers might be. 00:12:53.070 --> 00:12:59.260 There might be emotional armor where you are dry and ironic and 00:12:59.460 --> 00:13:06.339 witty, but you're never. There's no sincerity. You can't take a compliment. You feel like 00:13:06.340 --> 00:13:11.299 when you do, when you give a compliment, they're going to think, um, that you're taking the piss or 00:13:11.340 --> 00:13:16.939 something like that. Maybe you use humor instead of honesty, you know, and you're always the funny 00:13:16.939 --> 00:13:23.179 guy, or everything turns into a joke. Um, something that I've certainly been guilty of when it comes 00:13:23.179 --> 00:13:28.500 to this is using independence as avoidance. I'm an independent person. I don't need somebody else. I 00:13:28.500 --> 00:13:35.020 don't want people encroaching on this. And, um, and the kind of byproduct of that is that we say that 00:13:35.020 --> 00:13:41.379 we have high standards, but they become walls that keep people out. Um, we always and 00:13:41.379 --> 00:13:47.899 again, as someone who's probably had depression for well over a year, I'm fine. I'm 00:13:47.900 --> 00:13:54.620 okay as a reflex rather than saying, you know, I'm struggling, I need help. Um, I'm feeling a 00:13:54.620 --> 00:13:59.739 particular way, you know, those are some just really simple ones that so many of us do. And 00:13:59.740 --> 00:14:06.419 especially as gay men, especially as gay men, they are kind of built in into our chording 00:14:06.419 --> 00:14:11.900 of why we are the way we are, because we've had to protect ourselves. But those old protections from 00:14:11.900 --> 00:14:18.299 being kids and younger men, they do not serve us when we are trying to build love and connection 00:14:18.300 --> 00:14:23.739 in our lives. As mature adults who are operating in a safe space, who have control over their own 00:14:23.740 --> 00:14:30.619 lives. The issue when it comes to love and connection is that we don't lack love. We all have 00:14:30.619 --> 00:14:37.379 a love innately in us and we will experience it at really weird times. I remember I've been 00:14:37.379 --> 00:14:43.179 watching the Winter Olympics when they were on and I saw, um, the Swedish women's team win the 00:14:43.219 --> 00:14:49.459 gold medal and I just burst out crying. Um, and I just thought about all the hard work and things 00:14:49.460 --> 00:14:54.580 that they put into it, and I'm even kind of getting emotional thinking about it now. Um, like, 00:14:54.580 --> 00:15:01.529 we, we have that humanity and compassion in us innately, and that love and that connection, 00:15:01.530 --> 00:15:07.209 we just often block it out. And that's because we lack we feel that we do not have the safety of 00:15:07.210 --> 00:15:14.129 being seen as who we fully are. Um, and then you can flip that around and you can look at 00:15:14.130 --> 00:15:20.409 the, the barriers that we put up to, like health and well-being, which might look like self neglect, 00:15:20.410 --> 00:15:25.929 and we disguise it as busyness. I'm too busy to go to the gym. I'm too busy to eat. Well, I always find 00:15:25.929 --> 00:15:30.048 it. It's interesting when people say they're too busy to go to bed on time, or to not scroll on 00:15:30.049 --> 00:15:36.049 their phones in bed. Um, you know, we use that as a as a barrier, as a block, as a 00:15:36.450 --> 00:15:43.408 equals reason. We use food and we use alcohol as coping, whether we're coping with stress or 00:15:43.409 --> 00:15:48.849 boredom or anger or frustration or whatever it might be. You know, that it's like driving with a 00:15:48.849 --> 00:15:55.249 handbrake on when we do that. Or maybe we those people who need to fitness. These are punishment, 00:15:55.450 --> 00:16:00.809 um, and we punish ourselves because we ate that pizza yesterday. So I need to train X amount of 00:16:00.809 --> 00:16:06.650 times through the week and do this or, um, I've not done what I said I was going to do. So I'm going 00:16:06.650 --> 00:16:12.530 to go on the starve myself and then go on the StairMaster and and bury myself. Or the classic 00:16:12.530 --> 00:16:17.609 one when it comes to health and wellbeing, is those all or nothing routines I'm going to be all 00:16:17.610 --> 00:16:22.169 on. I'm going to be perfect. I'm going to do that. And then and let's face it, when it's all on 00:16:22.170 --> 00:16:28.569 nothing 90% of the time it's nothing. Um, and then we shame ourselves and we guilt ourselves and we 00:16:28.570 --> 00:16:35.529 should ourselves don't should on ourselves. Guys, health isn't something you find again. It's 00:16:35.889 --> 00:16:41.930 part of who we are. But it's something that we need to stop sabotaging. We get in the way of 00:16:41.930 --> 00:16:47.049 ourselves. I'll never forget this conversation that I had with someone who joined GMC, and they 00:16:47.050 --> 00:16:52.608 said if I was to join GMC, what would be the reason that if it didn't work, why wouldn't it 00:16:52.609 --> 00:16:59.128 work? And my initial response is the response that I still stick with now 00:16:59.450 --> 00:17:06.050 is you. Our job as coaches at GMC is to get people out of their own way, because we 00:17:06.050 --> 00:17:11.529 can innately make progress and build the lives that we want. It's the stories that we tell 00:17:11.569 --> 00:17:18.409 ourselves that get in the way of it, and we call that self-sabotage. You can look at money and 00:17:18.410 --> 00:17:24.249 abundance and barriers that we put up there, things like fear of visibility, going for that job, 00:17:24.290 --> 00:17:30.529 going for that role, being the leader, standing out, having high standards. We feel guilt around 00:17:30.529 --> 00:17:35.649 wanting more because other people, maybe other people don't want it. And, you know, does that make 00:17:35.649 --> 00:17:42.569 us, uh, you know, gold diggers or whatever it might be? Or if we come from maybe a less affluent 00:17:42.569 --> 00:17:47.769 background, you know, people saying, oh, you've changed and we feel guilt about it. Well, maybe 00:17:47.770 --> 00:17:52.130 you're a contractor or a consultant or a business owner and you're under charge. You're under 00:17:52.130 --> 00:17:58.359 charging for your service. You devalue yourself. Uh, often a big one that stops people earning more 00:17:58.359 --> 00:18:04.279 money and having just more abundance in their life is they're crippled with self-doubt and they 00:18:04.280 --> 00:18:10.598 mask it as humility. Um, I think that's something I've done in the past is 00:18:11.280 --> 00:18:15.999 do that, like dress up, pretend that I didn't have self-doubts. You know, people would often think of 00:18:16.000 --> 00:18:22.198 me as a confident person and this forthright person, but I would often downplay some of the, um, 00:18:22.400 --> 00:18:26.280 things that I've done, the things that I've created, the people that I've helped and mask. It 00:18:26.280 --> 00:18:33.239 is humility or the classic one when it comes to people not having the 00:18:33.239 --> 00:18:38.599 finances and the abundance that they want is that I'm not that type of person. I'm not the type of 00:18:38.599 --> 00:18:42.679 person who sets up a business. I'm not the type of person who goes all in on something. I'm not the 00:18:42.680 --> 00:18:48.359 type of person who's willing to go for that promotion and put themselves out there. Again. It's 00:18:48.359 --> 00:18:55.280 bullshit. It's limiting beliefs. Abundance and earning is not blocked by ability, 00:18:55.280 --> 00:19:01.079 it is blocked by identity. It is blocked by the. I'm not that kind of person. That's not meant for 00:19:01.079 --> 00:19:08.040 me. That's bullshit. It's all the stories that we tell ourselves. It's. It's the stories that we tell 00:19:08.079 --> 00:19:14.439 ourselves that get in the way, you know, and we can look at. Lastly, you know, when it comes to our 00:19:14.439 --> 00:19:20.359 piece, I know lots of people in 2026 have said that they want to focus on peace and fulfillment 00:19:20.359 --> 00:19:24.959 and feeling connected. So what the barriers look like that stop us from doing that constant 00:19:24.959 --> 00:19:31.599 stimulation, scrolling notifications, going into emails late at night, looking on our 00:19:31.599 --> 00:19:36.639 phones for problems, getting overly invested in politics. And listen, I know the world is a fucking 00:19:36.640 --> 00:19:42.199 shit show at the minute, but as an individual there is only so much we can do. Now, don't get me 00:19:42.199 --> 00:19:46.999 wrong, everything that we do as an individual matters. But once you do your bit, you've done your 00:19:47.000 --> 00:19:53.079 bit. Do what you can and then, you know, rather than constantly trying to stimulate yourself, it's that 00:19:53.119 --> 00:19:59.269 it's that like that other barrier noise, just adding things into our life that we don't need in 00:19:59.269 --> 00:20:06.150 there. Distractions, noise, um, news that isn't going to really impact 00:20:06.150 --> 00:20:12.509 our life. There was a story the other week about a monkey, a macaque called punch that had been, um, 00:20:12.790 --> 00:20:18.510 abandoned by a group of other monkeys in it. As much as, like, it was really cute to see him 00:20:18.510 --> 00:20:25.230 dragging a monkey teddy around. I was also like, this is really fucking sad. This is really not a 00:20:25.230 --> 00:20:30.790 nice thing. And I mean, I felt like I was invested in so much of my time and energy into worrying 00:20:30.790 --> 00:20:35.949 about, is this monkey going to be okay? And it has absolutely no bearing in my life. And I'm not 00:20:35.949 --> 00:20:40.108 saying that we should cut ourselves completely, but there there is a tipping point where that 00:20:40.109 --> 00:20:45.869 just becomes noise that distracts us from the things that we want. Comparison is a huge barrier 00:20:45.869 --> 00:20:52.389 to peace and fulfillment. One of the first and best piece of advice that I ever got after I came 00:20:52.389 --> 00:20:59.350 out from my very good friend and a very wise man, Anthony Cotton told me. He said, the day that 00:20:59.350 --> 00:21:05.469 you can wake up and not give a fuck about what other people think about you, is the day your life 00:21:05.469 --> 00:21:12.188 will change. Um, because comparison does hold us back and it stops us and it makes us 00:21:12.229 --> 00:21:17.149 do things, performativity and worry about things and do things for the sake of other people rather 00:21:17.150 --> 00:21:23.670 than what we want. Um, and, and the last barrier that we have to our peace and 00:21:23.670 --> 00:21:30.108 fulfillment is just not sitting still for long enough to feel peace and fulfillment. Peace scares 00:21:30.109 --> 00:21:36.629 people. Peace scares people who learned early that calm and stable means danger. And I 00:21:36.790 --> 00:21:43.429 totally relate to that. You know, I my life has always been chaos. Um, whether it's to do with 00:21:43.430 --> 00:21:50.429 parents or family or being repressed and repressing my sexuality. Um, and so when I 00:21:50.430 --> 00:21:55.459 got we find this with clients all the time, they start to get a handle on their life. And, um, 00:21:56.099 --> 00:22:00.379 stillness kind of comes in and we take the chaos out and they suddenly go, fuck, this is really 00:22:00.380 --> 00:22:07.259 alien. This is really weird. Um, and we need to we need to allow that peace to 00:22:07.300 --> 00:22:14.300 come into our lives. So, you know, obviously our past plays a role in this. You know, we 00:22:14.300 --> 00:22:19.380 build barriers to survive, to get through things. They are things that kept us safe once upon a 00:22:19.380 --> 00:22:23.979 time. And the thing is that they are not wrong. It's easy to look at them and go, oh, I'm a fuck up. 00:22:23.979 --> 00:22:28.499 I made these systems that are blocking me from from my life. They're not they're not wrong. 00:22:28.499 --> 00:22:34.780 They're just outdated. And you know, whether it was love feeling conditional or success feeling like 00:22:34.819 --> 00:22:41.499 approval or rest, feeling like it was laziness or asking for help felt dangerous at some point, 00:22:41.539 --> 00:22:48.300 those protections become limitations. So let me say this really clearly. 00:22:48.300 --> 00:22:54.180 This is not about blaming parents. This is not about saying that you were broken. This is about 00:22:54.219 --> 00:23:00.900 taking responsibility. Responsibility is not punishment. It's power. And I had a conversation 00:23:00.900 --> 00:23:06.739 with someone who John GMC last week and he said, I feel really shit that I have made all these 00:23:06.740 --> 00:23:10.900 decisions. And I'm at this point in my life where I don't like where I am. I have done this to 00:23:10.939 --> 00:23:15.819 myself. And I said, the flip side of that is that if you have had the power to get yourself into 00:23:16.180 --> 00:23:23.179 this position, you have the power to get yourself out of it. And I wholly believe that, um, and you do 00:23:23.180 --> 00:23:27.539 not remove barriers by hitting yourself. You remove them by becoming aware of them and knowing 00:23:27.579 --> 00:23:34.579 that you deserve love and starting to move them out of the way. So. To round this up, I want 00:23:34.579 --> 00:23:39.420 you to ask yourself, you know, whatever you feel that you're lacking, is it love? Is it health? Is it 00:23:39.420 --> 00:23:46.339 confidence? Is it money? Is it peace? Ask yourself, what am I doing? Or avoiding that 00:23:46.339 --> 00:23:50.659 keeps that out? Are you avoiding difficult conversations? Are you avoiding consistency? Are 00:23:50.659 --> 00:23:57.449 you avoiding rest? You are avoiding avoiding visibility or authenticity. And then ask yourself, 00:23:57.489 --> 00:24:02.769 once you've got an answer there, you know, I'm avoiding consistency or I'm avoiding visibility 00:24:02.770 --> 00:24:09.009 and or difficult conversations. Ask yourself, when did I first learn that this wasn't safe? 00:24:09.729 --> 00:24:15.289 And go back to that and you will start to see a pattern, and then you can start to build it. You do 00:24:15.290 --> 00:24:21.569 not. As I always say to people, you do not need to become somebody new. You just need to stop 00:24:21.569 --> 00:24:26.889 protecting yourself from the life that you actually want. I think that is really important. So 00:24:26.930 --> 00:24:33.929 I hope me sharing a little bit about my story. I hope this has helped. Um, guys, I'd love to see 00:24:33.930 --> 00:24:39.129 you at some of the events that we've got coming up. Um, you know, if you're part of GMC, everything 00:24:39.130 --> 00:24:46.129 is in the hub. If you're not, you can just reach out, uh, support@coaching.com, but otherwise I 00:24:46.129 --> 00:24:50.609 will see you next week. I will speak to you then. Stay safe. Don't eat and drink and behave at the 00:24:50.609 --> 00:24:53.810 expense of how you want to look and feel. And I'll chat to you soon.