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Today, we're digging into some really comprehensive resources on marriage.
That's right. We're looking at the work of Dr. Ed Wheat, a fascinating figure.
Absolutely. A family physician and a certified sex therapist. So, you get this well, this blend of practical medical insight and um biblical guidance.
And his council is frankly quite prescriptive. Yeah.
It's not just vague ideas floating around. He gives you concrete steps,
right? It's aimed at um creating a blueprint for lifelong love, actually sustaining it year after year,
which is quite the promise, isn't it? His core message drawn heavily from his love life for every married couple, cassette series, and books like Before the Wedding Night, is that love and marriage can become more wonderful, more exciting every year. That feels almost radical today given, you know, the challenges so many couples face.
It does, but he believed it was achievable if you followed the design.
So, our mission here is to really unpack that design for you. We want to pull out the specific principles, some uh surprising facts he uncovered, and the detailed almost clinical prescriptions he offered.
And he starts right at the beginning, the absolute foundation, what he calls the divine blueprint.
Just 22 words, he says, which is amazing.
Genesis 2.2:4. He argues these 22 words cover for essentially every potential marriage problem.
Okay. What are they?
Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother and shall cleave unto his wife and they shall be one flesh.
Leave, cleave, and be one flesh.
Those are the three pillars. And he was adamant. Fail on any one of these and you're setting yourself up for well marital misery.
Let's break that down. First one, leaving. You get the obvious part, right? Moving out of your parents house.
Sure, the physical move is part of it, but Dr. Weed emphasizes it's much much deeper. It's It's a profound emotional and mental uh repositioning.
Repositioning how?
It means refocusing your primary emotional energy, your core identity onto your spouse. Everything else has to genuinely take a lesser priority.
And he gets specific about everything else, doesn't he?
Oh, very specific. It's not just about, you know, cutting the apron strings with mom and dad. It's career ambitions if they overshadow the relationship. It's the pursuit of the perfect house if that becomes the main goal.
Hobbies, too.
Individual hobbies. Absolutely. He actually called out things like hunting, golf, even spending hours watching televised sports if it consistently pulls you away from your partner.
And the one that might surprise some people, excessive church work,
right? That one often raises eyebrows. But his logic is consistent. Leaving means establishing the marriage itself as the number one human relationship, the top priority.
So even good things can become a problem if they take priority over the spouse.
Exactly. If your schedule is say 40 hours at work, than another 20 on committees or solo projects, even good projects that don't involve or benefit your spouse directly. You're emotionally leaving the marriage for those other pursuits.
You're signaling that something else is more important than the day-to-day work of building that connection.
Precisely. It starves the relationship of the time and energy it needs.
And the consequence, if you don't truly leave in this sense, he paints a pretty stark picture.
He does. He talks about ending up in emotal bankruptcy later in life. He saw couples, he said, who poured absolutely everything into their children. The kids were the center of the universe,
which sounds like good parenting on the surface.
But the problem was the marital relationship was neglected. So when the children grew up and left home, poof, there was nothing left between the husband and wife.
They hadn't invested in their own connection.
Exactly. Nothing was left for the husband and wife, as he put it, because they never really completed that first step of leaving their external focus. to truly prioritize each other.
Wow. Okay, that leads straight into the second principle. Cleaving. It sounds very active, sticky.
It is. Cleaving means cementing together,
clinging, holding fast. He uses the analogy of sticking like glue.
So, it's not just, you know, tolerating each other or coexisting.
Not at all. It's a conscious mature decision, a lifetime commitment to stay faithful, stay merged, stay prioritizing this bond above all others. The bond should be so strong. Week says, that separation is basically impossible without causing real damage to both people
because you've become so intertwined.
Yes. Because the cleaving processes actually work. You're fused.
Okay. So, that's the goal. But how do you know if you're actually doing it daytoday? How does cleaving look?
Well, this is where he gets really practical again. Yeah.
He gives you a test, a question to apply to pretty much any significant decision or even attitude.
What's the question?
You have to ask yourselves. Will this thing, this action, this attitude, this choice, will it draw us closer to together or will it drive us further apart?
H simple but powerful.
Will it build our relationship or will it tear it down? That's the followup. So, think about a job offer that requires constant travel or a hobby that consumes every weekend or even how you handle disagreements.
If it fails that test,
if it consistently pulls you apart rather than together, it needs serious reconsideration. Cleaving demands that your spouse becomes the closest person to you in the world, your primary confidant, your number one ally. Which connects to the third principle, the ultimate goal, one flesh. Often we just think of the physical side of that.
And the physical union is absolutely vital. Dr. Weed is very clear on that, pulling from Genesis 2.2:5 that this union should be enjoyed fully without shame. But one flesh is bigger.
How so?
It's a merger of everything, mind, heart, body, and spirit. It's developing what he calls a tender, intimate personal knowledge of each other. You're merging your ident identities, your emotional worlds, your resources, your futures.
It becomes us instead of me and you
completely.
Right.
And that's why divorce is so devastating when this oneness is actually formed.
Because you're not just separating two individuals.
No. Dr. Wheat described it as leaving two fractions of one. The intense pain isn't just sadness. It's the agony of ripping apart something that had truly fused together.
So leaving, cleaving one flesh. Those three together create the structure, the protection.
That's the divine blueprint, the foundation for for everything else he teaches.
Okay. So, if that's the intended structure, Dr. Wheat then warns us about things that undermine it, forces that can break through those protective walls.
Yes. He identifies at least 10 of these destroyers or thieves of love. And conveniently for memory, they all start with the letter D.
Always helpful. Okay, let's go through them. D1 is distractions.
Pretty straightforward concept. Anything that robs you of the time you need for building the relationship, especially what he calls prime time,
those crucial hours, usually evenings or weekends when you could be connecting.
Exactly. And he had a specific culprit in mind, which might sound a little well old-fashioned now, but the principle is key.
The television set,
the TV. He actually recommended that newlyweds should not even get a television for at least their first year of marriage.
Wow, that's drastic. Why?
His reasoning was that TV promotes passive behavior. You sit, you watch, you consume. You don't interact. You don't practice communicating. It steals that prime time needed for actively learning how to relate to this new person in your life.
So, replace TV with smartphones or endless scrolling. And the principle feels very current.
Absolutely. It's about passive consumption versus active engagement with your partner, especially in that critical first year.
He really emphasizes that first year, doesn't he? Even drawing on history.
He does. He cites the Old Testament law in Deuteronomy where a newly married man was exempt from military service or business duties for a full year. Why?
The reason given so he could stay home and cheer up his wife. That entire year was dedicated to establishing the new family unit, building the bond free from major external pressures.
The takeaway for us today,
don't plan your wedding right before insanely demanding periods like starting medical school or a huge new job that will require 80our weeks or going straight into intense graduate studies. Protect that first year fiercely. Reserve it for each other.
That makes sense. Okay. D2 debt. This feels more practical, less emotional maybe.
Uh but Dr. Weed sees it as deeply emotional because of the conflict it generates. He stated that disagreements over money are the major cause of conflict in marriage.
The major cause more than anything else.
That's what he claimed. And the statistic he used was frankly shocking. He said financial disagreements are a significant factor in a staggering 80% of divorces.
80%.
And that they are the direct cause in at least half of all divorces. The stress, the arguments about control, the different spending philosophies, it's poison to intimacy.
So, what's the antidote? What was his financial counsel?
The goal has to be financial freedom, not living under the constant pressure of debt. And he was specific about the kind of debt to avoid.
Which kind?
Debt for things that depreciate in value. He points directly at furniture, fancy clothes, brand new cars, things that lose value the moment you acquire them.
As opposed to, say, a mortgage on a house, which could be an appreciating asset. Exactly. Taking on debt for depreciating items. Just add stress without building any long-term security. His advice boiled down to three key decisions.
Okay.
One, don't spend money you don't have. Simple but hard. Two, put your ultimate trust in God, not in money or possessions.
Yeah.
And three, commit right from the start to consistently saving a portion of your earnings. Build that habit.
Solid advice. All right, moving on. D3 deals with conflicted self disagreement, specifically unresolved disagreement.
Right. Conflict is going to happen. That's normal. The danger is letting it fester. Letting arguments simmer without resolution.
This is where the famous advice comes in. Never go to bed angry.
Exactly. It's drawn from Ephesians. Let not the sun go down upon your wrath. Don't carry that bitterness over. Dr. Weed even mentioned couples he knew who made a pack to always kiss good night, no matter how mad they were.
As a way to force reconciliation.
Pretty much. It's hard to stay furious while you're physically expressing affection. Even In that small way, it forces you to deal with it before sleep solidifies the anger.
Okay, that might work for small things, but what about bigger hurts when forgiveness feels really, really difficult? Wheat had a specific take on forgiveness, right? Not as a feeling.
Absolutely crucial distinction. He saw forgiveness not as waiting until you feel forgiving, but as a mechanical process, a choice of the will,
a mechanism. How does that work?
Three steps. First, you make the choice in your mind. You decide to forgive as an act of obedience to God's command. Second, you follow that choice with loving behavior. You act kindly even if you don't feel it yet.
Action follows the choice.
Yes. And then third, you trust God to change your feelings. The right feelings, he believed, will eventually follow the right actions. You don't wait for the feeling. You act your way into it.
That puts the responsibility back on us, doesn't it? Not just waiting to feel better
entirely. And part of that action when you're the one who caused the hurt is apologizing correctly. He had a strict rule about apologies,
which was
never ever use the word if
as in I'm sorry if I hurt you.
Exactly that. He said that phrase subtly shifts the blame. It implies the problem might be the other person's sensitivity, not your action. A true apology is direct. I was wrong. I hurt you. Please forgive me. No conditions, no qualifiers.
Takes courage. Okay, let's look at D4 and D5, which are closely related. Distance and disunityity.
D4 is distance, both emotional and physical. The Separation inevitably breeds loneliness
and loneliness is the very thing marriage was designed to combat. Right back to Genesis
precisely Genesis 2.18. It is not good that the man should be alone. Dr. Wheat was very strong on this point. He directly challenged the modern idea that couples can live largely separate lives, pursue independent paths, and spend lots of time apart without damaging the marriage. He called that Satan's lie.
Strong words
because intimacy, he argued, requires proximity, shared experiences, closeness, not separation. Con a distance starves the relationship.
And that distance, that loneliness, often opens the door for defi, disunityity, which is his term for infidelity.
Yes. He pointed out that infidelity is a major factor in about 60% of divorces. And it almost always begins not with lust, but with loneliness, an unmet need for connection, for understanding, for closeness.
And he had a specific warning about where that inappropriate connection often starts.
A very practical, almost uncomfortable warning. He cautioned couples to be extremely careful about developing deeply intimate, emotionally vulnerable conversations with the spouse's best friend.
Why that specific relationship?
Because he said the three key ingredients for developing a dangerous attraction are often readily available there. Familiarity, you already know them well. Availability, you see them often. And acceptance, they already like you and understand your situation, maybe even your spouse's flaws.
It's a setup for trouble if boundaries aren't maintained.
A classic setup. The antidote of of course, is to pour that need for emotional intimacy and connection back into your own marriage. Meet those needs for each other first.
Makes sense. Okay, next pair. D6 and D7, focusing on the way we talk to each other. D6 is disapproval or criticism.
And Dr. Wheat called criticism the death blow to love and intimacy. A killer.
Why so harsh?
He said in all his years of counseling, he had never once seen criticism actually improve a partner or relationship. All it does is create emotional distance, defensiveness, resentment, and fear.
It destroys the safety needed for vulnerability.
Exactly. Emotional closeness absolutely requires a place of psychological safety. Criticism obliterates that safety. So, his prescription was radical, the complete ban on criticism. It must be entirely replaced with its opposite praise and encouragement,
which leads directly to D7, downgrading. This is the active opposite of edifying,
right? Edify means to build up. So, D7 is tearing down. The commandment here, as we framed it, is twofold. First, overlook mistakes. Refuse to criticize. Second, actively and consistently encourage and build your partner up.
And he applied this edifying principle differently to husbands and wives.
He did based on his interpretation of scriptural roles. He taught that the husband primarily edifies his wife through praise. Consistent, genuine praise. He even called it verbal lovemaking. It involves nourishing her spirit, cherishing her.
And the wife's role in edifying.
The wife edifies her husband, he said, primarily by showing admiration and respect, recognizing his efforts, honoring his position, and responding lovingly to his leadership initiatives. It's about building his confidence, his sense of value in the relationship.
So, both partners are actively building a protective structure around the other's self-worth.
That's the goal, creating that safe affirming environment.
Okay, nearly there. The final three Ds relate back to commitment and security. DA is distrust.
The absence of loyalty, that feeling of us against the world is missing. You don't feel secure. You don't feel your partner has your back.
D9 is divorced, but specifically thinking of it as an escape hatch.
Yes. Going into marriage with the thought, well, if this doesn't work out, I can always get divorced. He argued that this mindset itself sabotages the potential for happiness right from the start. It reveals a fundamental flaw in the commitment level. You're not fully cleaving
because you've left the back door open.
Exactly. And finally, D10 is the bedrock failure. the lack of unconditional love, agape love,
which leads to
conditional love. Love that's based entirely on performance. I'll love you if you meet my needs. I'll love you if you act the way I want. This, he said, is the opposite of the love that holds a marriage together through thick and thin.
That distinction between conditional and unconditional love is huge. It really shifts us into the next major section of his teaching, understanding the very nature of love itself, the art of loving.
Yes, he felt we have so many misconceptions about love and you can't succeed in marriage without dismantling those first.
What were the main myths he wanted to bust?
He tackled four big ones. First, the idea that love is some kind of mysterious, irrational fog we fall into. He insisted love is rational. It operates on principles that can be understood and crucially learned primarily from scripture, but also from experience. It's not just random magic.
Okay, so it can be learned. Myth number two,
that love is simple or easy that it should just come naturally. He argued vehemently against this. Love, he said, is an art, like learning medicine, which he practiced for decades. It requires discipline, intentional effort, practice, and constant learning.
And he had a pretty blunt warning about doing what comes naturally.
He did. He said, "If you do what comes naturally, you'll be wrong almost every time."
Wow. Why?
Because our natural inclination, he believed, tends towards selfishness, toward protecting ourselves, toward seeking our own comfort. True love often requires acting against our natural inclinations.
Okay, third myth. This one feels really important for couples who are struggling
that love is primarily an uncontrollable feeling that if the feeling fades you're helpless. He countered that love is an act of power fundamentally controlled by the will. You can choose to love. Your feelings don't have the final say.
That's incredibly empowering if you accept it. You're not a victim of your emotions.
Exactly. You have agency. You can choose the actions of love. Even when the feelings aren't there, trusting the feelings will follow.
Then the fourth fallacy he addressed, it's about how we think. think we get love,
right? We often focus on trying to attract love, you know, through looking good, being impressive, using sex appeal, try to make ourselves lovable.
But we flipped that script
completely. He argued the real secret to being loved and to experiencing love is not trying to attract it, but choosing to give it first. When you consistently act in loving ways toward your partner, that behavior itself generates a response. It nurtures the love in the relationship. Give love to get love essentially.
Okay, so With those fallacies cleared away, he introduces the different kinds of love using the Greek terms. He said all of them need to be present.
Yes. He outlined a spectrum of five loves all necessary for a complete marriage. Epitheia, which is basic desire or passion. OS, the romantic falling in love feeling. Storage, the comfortable sense of belonging like family loyalty. Filio, deep friendship and companionship. And agape, that unconditional self-giving commitment.
And he put a huge emphasis on filio love, the friendship aspect, called it indispensable.
Absolutely. Because filio is what makes the day-to-day living together enjoyable, supportive, and sustainable. It's the bedrock of the daily interaction.
And now, just a quick word from our sponsor, you. We are a charity, and without your support, we cannot provide you with these amazing insights. Please consider donating or becoming a member of inspirational media with full access to our complete library of thousands of sermons from more than 300 speakers. Check it out in the description. And now let's continue. What are the key ingredients of filio? According to we
he broke it down to three C's. First, comradeship. Just being present with each other, sharing the same space comfortably, enjoying each other's company. Second, companionship. Actively doing things together, sharing meals, having common interests, taking bread together as the root meat.
And the third C,
the biggest one, communication, possessing meaning together, truly understanding each other, sharing your inner worlds.
And this is where so many marriages hit trouble.
Huge trouble. He estimated that something like 90% of marriage counseling cases involve at their core a breakdown in communication. Often he said couples literally had to be taught how to communicate effectively for the very first time.
He saw communication itself as having stages, right? Like levels of friendship.
Yes. Three stages of developing that filio connection. Stage one is relaxation, feeling comfortable, safe, able to trust and confide without fear of judgment. Stage two is rapport, finding that easy harmony, that sense of being on the same wavelength where you can share your more vulnerable self.
And the final stage,
stage three is revelation. This is mature intimacy, open, honest, emotionally interdependent, where you're both sensitive to each other's needs, discerning, understanding without necessarily having to spell everything out constantly. True partnership.
Achieving that requires real skill, though, and he provided some very specific rules for communication. Not just general ideas,
extremely specific. He laid out 12 rules and they are demanding. They require real discipline.
Give us some examples.
Okay. Things like giving your partner your absolute total undivided attention when they're speaking. No multitasking, no phones, no distractions. Another rule,
absolutely no interrupting. Let them finish their thought completely.
That's harder than it sounds,
isn't it? Another crucial one. Repeat back what you think you heard them say to confirm under understanding, not necessarily agreeing, but showing you've heard accurately, like, so what I hear you saying is
ensures you're on the same page before reacting.
Exactly. He also stressed never repeating things shared in confidence maintaining that trust and recognizing that silence, just withdrawing or shutting down during a conversation, is almost always perceived as negative feedback. It's not neutral.
He seemed particularly focused on husbands listening.
He did note that because women often have a greater need to process things verbally, a husband demonstrates creates profound love simply by listening attentively, maintaining eye contact, and showing genuine interest even if he doesn't fix anything.
The goal of all these rules is ultimately to prevent defensiveness. Right.
Yes. Because the moment one partner gets defensive, genuine communication shuts down, the walls go up, emotional distance increases. These rules are designed to keep the space safe for vulnerability.
To help couples practice this daily, he came up with a memorable acronym, the best principle,
right? A simple framework for daily positive interaction designed to constantly build up the relationship capital.
So, B ST stands for
B is for bless.
This means actively speaking well of your partner both to them and to others, doing kind things for them, showing gratitude, intentionally focusing on the positive.
E is for edify, build them up, be their cheerleader, reinforce their self-worth. This directly connects back to that no criticism rule from the destroyer section. Actively praise and Courage. S is for share. Share your time. Comradeship. Share activities. Companionship. Share your thoughts and feelings. Communication. Develop common interests. Actively fight against pursuits that pull you in opposite directions. Key is for touch. Simple nonsexual physical closeness. Holding hands, a hug, sitting close on the sofa, looking into each other's eyes. That consistent physical connection is vital for emotional bonding.
So, bless, edify, share, touch. Practicing those four things. consistently. That's the maintenance plan.
That's the daily deposit into the relationship bank account. It builds the filio love, the friendship, the emotional security.
And all of this rests on the foundation of agape love. That unconditional commitment.
Exactly. Agape is the engine that powers the best principles, especially when things get tough. Agape is defined as choosing to always act in the very best interest of the other person, regardless of their performance, their mood, or whether you feel like it.
It's a choice, not a feeling.
Purely a choice. An act of the will. It's the love that keeps the marriage going when arrows fades or when filio friendship is strained by conflict. It's the safety net.
And choosing to act with agape love has tangible benefits,
huge benefits. First, it provides deep emotional security, especially during stressful times. You know you're loved no matter what. Second, it actually helps your partner function better. People perform better when they feel unconditionally loved and accepted. And third, it removes defensiveness.
How does it remove defensiveness?
If you know your fundamental birth and belonging in the relationship aren't on the line. You don't need to constantly justify yourself. You can let go of that incessant complaining and explaining as we called it. You can actually hear feedback without crumbling.
This concept of agape then connects directly to how he interpreted the biblical roles for husbands and wives particularly from Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 3.
Yes, he saw these passages as defining how agape love is specifically expressed within the marriage structure.
So for the husband,
the husband's primary command and is to love his wife with agape love. This love is specifically defined as being sacrificial like Christ loved the church, willing to lay down his life, nourishing, actively meeting her total needs, physical, emotional, spiritual, and cherishing, treating her with tenderness, courtesy, protection, holding her in high honor, placing the highest price on her.
That's a very high calling. Nourishing and cherishing,
incredibly high. It's a call to proactive sacrificial leadership focused entirely on her wellbeing
and the wife's response. This often involves the word submission or respect which can be controversial or misunderstood. How did Dr. Weed explain this?
He was very careful and very insistent here. He defined submission not as forced obedience, blind servitude or inferiority. He defined it as a willing adaptation, a voluntary loving response to her husband's sacrificial nourishing leadership. It's a free gift of love from her.
So it's contingent on his loving leadership.
Absolutely. He taught that her respect and willing adaptation submission is the natural response when she feels truly loved, nourished, and cherished by her husband. If he's not fulfilling his role, her ability to respond in that way is severely hindered. It's a reciprocal dynamic initiated by the husband's sacrificial love. She is commanded to respect and reverence him, to esteem him, adapting herself with a gentle spirit.
The level of intention and frankly hard work required by this council is immense. It covers everything. But perhaps nowhere is Dr. Wheat more detailed, more specific, and more well clinical than when discussing the physical relationship, achieving that one flesh intimacy.
You're right. He saw the sexual relationship not as some optional extra, but as absolutely vital to marital happiness, a key way to safeguard love and something inherently holy within the marriage bond. But he was also deeply aware of how much disappointment and difficulty couples encounter here, especially early on.
So, he starts with preparation, specifically mental preparation, managing expectations.
Crucial. He warned couples, especially newlyweds, Do not expect perfect harmony, thrilling simultaneous sexual relief, or instant fireworks on the wedding night or even in the first weeks or months. That's unrealistic pressure.
The honeymoon is for learning, not performing.
Exactly. It's a learning time. The supreme purpose, he stressed, isn't necessarily achieving orgasm every time, but building emotional intimacy, tenderness, connection through physical closeness.
And he had specific mental advice for the husband.
Yes. The husband's goal, especially initially, would be focused on pleasing his wife through tenderness, patience, and total body caressing. Not just aiming for intercourse and climax as quickly as possible. Putting pressure on her to perform or achieve orgasm is often counterproductive. It inhibits female response.
He even normalized the possibility of the husband having um difficulties with timing early on.
He did. He acknowledged that early ejaculation is common on the wedding night due to the intense emotions and excitement. But he immediately followed up by defining the real lover as the man who after his own release immediately continues manual stimulation to ensure his wife also reaches satisfaction.
So don't just roll over and go to sleep.
Absolutely not. Focus on her pleasure, her release. He even noted that manual stimulation might be more pleasurable for her initially given the potential discomfort of first intercourse.
Okay, that's the mental side. Now the physical preparation. This is where he gets incredibly specific almost like a medical checklist particularly for the bride to be.
It really is. First the honeymoon envir environment. Prioritize relaxed privacy over exhausting travel or sightseeing. Be rested. Second, attire. He bluntly advised the bride to quickly get comfortable being naked and unashamed with her husband, setting aside any elaborate, perhaps uncomfortable nightwear after the initial reveal.
Practicalities. What else?
Lubrication. He considered this non-negotiable. He strongly recommended using KY jelly, a water-soluble artificial lubricant, generously for all genital caressing in every act of intercourse, especially early on. Ample lubrication, he said, is an absolute must to prevent pain and ensure pleasure.
And then there's the most, let's say, clinical piece of advice aimed at preventing pain during first intercourse. The himman dilation.
Yes, this is where his background as a physician comes through very clearly. He addressed the anatomical reality that for many virgins, the vaginal opening, Hyman, is often too small, maybe only an inch in diameter to comfortably accommodate intercourse, which typically requires about an inch and a half. This mismatch is a major source of of pain, fear, and negative conditioning for about half of women during their first sexual experience.
So, he prescribed a way to prepare beforehand.
He did. He provided detailed step-by-step instructions for the prospective bride to gently and gradually stretch the vaginal opening herself, starting 2 to 4 weeks before the wedding night.
How is this done?
Using one, then later two well lubricated fingers, applying firm but gentle pressure downwards and backwards towards the rectum, holding the stretch for a few minutes daily, gradually ing the stretch until two fingers could be inserted easily and without significant discomfort right to their base.
This was self-preparation to avoid tearing and pain.
Exactly. To avoid that initial traumatic experience that can create long lasting fear or aversion. He suggested seeing a physician for guidance if needed, but presented this self-dilation as a highly effective way to ensure the first encounter is comfortable rather than painful.
That level of practical physical detail is quite something. Did he offer positioning advice to Yes. For the initial entrance, you recommended a specific position to minimize pressure on the himinal ring. The wife lying on her back, but with two pillows placed under her hips to tilt the pelvis and her legs kept relatively flat on the bed.
How does that help?
It helps move the remaining tissue out of the direct path. Then the husband should approach almost vertically, sliding downward rather than thrusting straight in. Again, using plenty of lubricant. The goal is the gentlest possible entry. He also included a warning about a common honeymoon health issue.
Yes, honeymoon cyitis, which is basically a urinary tract infection often caused by irritation or bruising of the urethra during initial sometimes awkward intercourse. His advice was purely medical,
which was
the bride should make a point to urinate within a few minutes after every act of intercourse. This helps flesh out any bacteria that might have been pushed into the urethra during sex, significantly reducing the risk of infection.
All these phys ical details really underscore the importance of understanding the actual mechanics and potential challenges especially considering the differences in sexual response times.
Oh, the timing gap is huge. Dr. Reed presented the medical data very clearly. The average man reaches climax after only about 2.8 minutes of direct physical stimulation.
2.8 minutes. That's fast.
Very fast. Whereas the average woman requires approximately 13 minutes of effective physical stimulation to reach orgasm.
13 minutes versus less than three. That's a massive difference.
It explains so much frustration. The clear implication is that the husband must be deliberate, patient, and focused on extending stimulation for his wife, well beyond what he needs for himself.
Her response isn't just about time, though. It's emotional, too.
Primarily emotional, he'd argue. Her desire starts with how she feels loved and treated by him throughout the day. That's the Agape and Filio Foundation. But physically, her body goes through distinct phases. The plateau phase, just before orgasm, involves significant changes. Nipple erection, swelling of the inner labia at two or three times normal size, and crucially, the outer third of the vagina swelling and tightening, forming the orgasmic platform, which grips the penis intensely.
And achieving orgasm for her depends heavily on stimulating one specific area,
the clitoris. He called it the trigger of female desire. Sufficient stimulation of the clitoris, directly or indirectly, is necessary for almost all women to experience orgasm.
But he added a really important nuance about how to stimulate it. a vital one. He cited that 95% of women report that direct focused pressure right on the glands, the very tip of the clitoris is actually painful or irritating, not pleasurable.
95%. So direct pressure is usually wrong.
Generally, yes. Stimulation alongside the shaft of the clitoris or on the clitoreral hood using broader strokes or indirect pressure like from the husband's pubic bone during intercourse is almost always preferred and more effective.
So, Technique and awareness are key. Even during intercourse, the husband needs to be mindful of maintaining that clitoral contact in a way she finds pleasurable.
It requires communication, feedback, and a genuine commitment to her satisfaction, not just assuming what works for him works for her.
After all that focus on sexual intimacy, Dr. Wheat brings it back to something even more fundamental, doesn't he? Nonsexual touch.
Yes. He considered the basic human need for nonsexual touching, cuddling, holding hands, a reassuring armor on the shoulder. to be even more fundamental than the need for sex itself.
More fundament.
Yes. This kind of touch provides essential warmth, reassurance, security, and intimacy. It's vital for emotional health and bonding from infancy right through life.
And the danger in marriage is if touch becomes solely transactional.
Exactly. If the only time you touch affectionately is when you're initiating sex, then the marriage gets deprived of all that essential nonsexual warmth and security the rest of the time. Touch becomes loaded. maybe even avoid it.
So, the advice is
intentionally weave simple, affectionate physical touch into the daily fabric of your life together. Hold hands walking down the street, cuddle on the sofa watching a movie, snuggle close before falling asleep. And this is key. Both partners need to agree that this kind of touch doesn't always have to lead to sex. It's valuable in its own right for maintaining that filio connection.
So, we've covered the blueprint, the destroyers, the art of love, and the physical details. It's an incredibly comprehensive picture. It seems to all circle back to intentionality, effort, and that core agape commitment.
That's right. And Dr. Wheat conveniently summarized his ongoing prescription for maintaining a superb marriage with that best acronym we discussed earlier. It's the daily practice.
Let's recap that one more time. B is
blessing, speaking well, acting kindly, showing gratitude, edifying, building up your partner's worth, zero criticism, sharing time, activities, thoughts, feelings, common goals, touching, regular, simple, affectionate physical contact.
Practicing those four things daily, powered by an agape choice. That's the formula.
That's the formula for a love life that, as he promised, can keep getting better year after year. He condensed decades of experience into that simple, actionable framework.
And he leaves us with a final thought that really underscores the need for that action, a bit of a reality check,
a very direct one, he stated plainly. An intimate relationship will never spontaneously improve with time. A troubled relationship ship will never just get better on its own.
Ouch. No coasting allowed.
No coasting. The difference, he said, between a happy growing marriage and a troubled, deteriorating one often comes down to the simple willingness to choose action and giving that agape love over passively waiting for feelings to change or blaming the other person.
So, it really comes down to a choice. Given everything we've discussed today, the demands of leaving and cleaving, avoiding attendees, mastering the art of communication, the specific physical knowledge required, the daily best practice. It's a lot. So, the question for you listening right now is, what single proactive choice will you make starting today to actively build your house of love,
knowing that growth won't happen automatically? Will you commit to prioritizing those 13 minutes of stimulation? Will you enforce a total ban on criticism in your home? Will you consciously practice the tea and best just simple daily touch?
Pick one thing. Start there. Because, as Dr. Wheat makes clear, the greatest results don't come from grand and gestures, but from the consistent daily application of these principles, even if the full reward takes a lifetime to unfold.
Focus on the action, the choice to love, not just the feeling. That really is the core lesson from Dr. Wheat.
A powerful challenge indeed. Thank you for diving deep into the very complete, very practical council of Dr. Ed Wheat with us today. 

Thanks for listening to the Inspirational Media podcast, Timeless Voices for Today's World.
To explore more messages and resources, visit us at inspirational.org.nz. See you next time.