00;00;04;12 - 00;00;31;25 Unknown Welcome to Inside the Practitioner's Path. I'm Aila Coats, and I'm Barb Patterson. This is a private space for those doing this work and those feeling called to it, who want to live what they teach and explore. The real behind the scenes happenings about our work, ourselves, and the edges we meet along the way. It's unfiltered and unedited, just like us talking about how this work shapes us right alongside our clients. 00;00;32;02 - 00;00;58;05 Unknown We share what moves us, what makes us laugh, and what we're still figuring out. This is about presence, practice, and community. The ongoing work of being human while helping other humans. Well, welcome inside. I think I'm taking too long. Welcome. Should be like that. Okay. Welcome, welcome. Oh. It's impossible. Hey, everybody. Welcome. We're just so glad you're here. 00;00;58;06 - 00;01;11;12 Unknown I love anything you want to add to that. Welcome inside. 00;01;11;15 - 00;01;45;08 Unknown Welcome. Welcome to Inside the Practitioner's Path. I'm Barb Patterson, and I'm I like Hope. We're so glad you're here. And today is kind of a fun topic. We think it's fun anyway, but Isla and I were talking, and I was like, what if we do? Oh, it's me. I'm the problem. Like, if we just share some stories about when our work with other people, whether it was individually or in a group, when you realize that when it wasn't going well or something was off, that it was actually us, we were the ones that were off. 00;01;45;08 - 00;02;09;16 Unknown And Isla, I'm going to turn it over to you. Yeah, well, I think this is a perfect, perfect inside. Look at the just like the fact that we are a factor in every session are where we're at, where we're coming from, what's being triggered, what's what's happening inside of us completely impacts how the sessions go with our clients. 00;02;09;18 - 00;02;35;07 Unknown I love this topic, and it's fun to share some of the, real kind of in the trenches moments. So I have, I have quite a few that come up and really 1 in 1 relationship I have with a client I've worked with for, her daughter is now a junior in college, but I started working with her daughter when her daughter was in seventh grade. 00;02;35;09 - 00;03;12;02 Unknown So this is a long relationship, and they've renewed every year, just consecutively since I began with them. So we have a very good relationship. And there's a few moments that right when Barb. Right. When you mentioned this topic, it was like, this I know exactly what you know, a really good example where I've had a couple conversations with this woman, the mom of the teenager that I work with, her young adult now, but she and I, we've had, just go back to the summer. 00;03;12;02 - 00;03;47;08 Unknown We had a session where we were talking about her daughter's plans for going back to school and who she was going to live with. And the mom was really, really, how I thought was being super judgmental of her daughter and just criticizing her choices and just upset. And inside of me, I was getting so defensive of my teen, you know, young adult client because she in my perspective, she was doing so well to follow her own wisdom and to like, just really feel into decisions. 00;03;47;08 - 00;04;08;04 Unknown Before she made them, I was feeling super proud of her, and her mom was sitting in this place of just total judgment and fear and anxiety, and I was getting literally. I remember I had a little mirror in my office and I walked by it, and I was flushed. I was talking to her on the phone like really red. 00;04;08;04 - 00;04;38;16 Unknown My heart was beating and I was getting and basically the conversation was getting louder and louder and I was like, what is happening right now? This is not typical. And I just checked myself with like, how am I? What? What am I doing? How am I contribute? How am I affecting this woman right now in this space, when really our call, the intention of it was just for me to serve her and to help her just share anything that was on her mind. 00;04;38;16 - 00;05;03;21 Unknown But to really feel in her own sense of safety and sense of calm and in confidence. Sending her daughter again off to school for her third year because she was very rattled about it. That's why we were talking and I was rattling her more. It was getting more and more heated and I did a little self-check and it was like, what is really going on? 00;05;03;21 - 00;05;28;11 Unknown And immediately I was like, oh my God, I am doing to this poor woman the exact thing that I'm judging her for that she's doing to her daughter. And it was just this like quick little moment where I thought, should I hang up or can I, can I get like clear inside? And it was just it, I mean, I just took some breaths. 00;05;28;11 - 00;05;48;08 Unknown I didn't actually need to hang up. I just like realized what was happening. And immediately the next thing that came out of my mouth was like, my gosh, I, you know, I really hear you. I hear how scared you are. I hear how hard this is. I wonder if you're just worried that you're going to miss her again. 00;05;48;10 - 00;06;27;09 Unknown And it just went immediately soft. And this parent, this woman, my client, she and I have had a few conversations like this over the years. This one this summer was the biggest, anybody listening in would have thought we were fighting. Because, like, that's not my intention when coaching somebody. But the conversation, it was really sweet because I actually called myself out eventually as she was getting calmer inside, I said, you know, I noticed that, you know, a few minutes ago, I realized I. 00;06;27;11 - 00;06;52;09 Unknown I was judging you. Not that you're doing something wrong, but I wasn't seeing that. You're exactly right how you are. Like, how you're feeling, what you're thinking. It's all okay. 00;06;52;10 - 00;06;58;27 Unknown I wonder if there's a possibility to see that. That's if that's true for your daughter as well. 00;06;59;00 - 00;07;22;15 Unknown And it it's like I know that comment would have meant nothing to her three minutes earlier, but it's like she really heard it because she felt what it was like to I, I think she felt what it was like to be really, really, truly accepted and supported. And it was just such a quick like transference of acceptance and loving. 00;07;22;15 - 00;07;51;23 Unknown And it turned into a really sweet conversation. So that was that's one thing that came to mind. But yeah. Yeah. No, I so appreciate that. And I you know, as you're even sharing and listening I'm like, yeah, I can relate to those times when I've been unintentionally right. Like you're not aware of it till you're aware that you're sort of judging the client and that can show up as you just want them to be different than they are in the moment. 00;07;51;25 - 00;08;11;09 Unknown You know, like in whatever way I want them to be further along. I want them to have seen something all those ways that are innocent or a blind spot until they're not. And so I'm so grateful to that awareness in those moments like you had that like, wake us up and go, oh, wait a minute, what's happening here? 00;08;11;09 - 00;08;49;23 Unknown And I think that's why going into your own internal climate as your first move every time is going to be your greatest leverage in any session with an individual or a group, whatever it is that anytime something feels off or I catch, I'm tight or I'm, you know, trying to convince someone of something or whatever it is, you know, when you're that this is where your deeper grounding really helps you and you start to realize something's off, always checking. 00;08;49;23 - 00;09;14;15 Unknown Well, where am I coming from first? Where's my internal climate? Am I being pushy? Am I feeling hopeless? Am I feeling irritated, impatient, whatever that is? And then that's your first clue. Oh. It's me. Yeah. How do I get more neutral and open and then that'll that'll shift everything. So I, I, I love that so much. And you know, like you I'm like, which time, which time do I care. 00;09;14;17 - 00;09;40;25 Unknown Yeah. I, you know, I can think of so many sincerely, but, a couple come to, to the forefront and one of them is, there was a time I was teaching a group, and I could see that this one gentleman was living in an old identity of who he was. And he had a lot like who he thought he was, was so tied. 00;09;40;25 - 00;10;01;15 Unknown And one of the things is he had this long hair and he talked about cutting it off. And I could see, like when he said that, I was like, oh my God, that's such a fun, like, just tangible way. That kind of because he'd had it since he was really young, you know, like it's it was kind of a thing with him. 00;10;01;18 - 00;10;29;10 Unknown So I could see the value in him kind of doing that. Like it's sometimes where an action can actually maybe support what you're trying to do or what the client wants to do. And, and I could feel how it was like, what's that old story about the hair? And if the guy cuts his hair, Samson or something, and then he loses all his power anyway, that might be applicable. 00;10;29;12 - 00;10;34;27 Unknown Rapunzel came to mind. 00;10;34;29 - 00;11;25;25 Unknown But, so I got invested, kind of in a playful way, but the playful invitation I at some point I realized, oh, I'm attached to him doing this, and I and it showed up because he was getting more and more into a resistance stance. And while I wasn't, like, pushy, like, do it, do it, do it. And that way I, I would I was kind of like staying in the lane of, this idea about his hair being a way to I know it's not so crazy, maybe out of context, but anyway, then I realized once I felt him shutting down more and I could feel his resistance more, it would be so easy 00;11;25;25 - 00;11;53;17 Unknown to try and work on his resistance. Right? And in some of my initial training years ago, in my 20s, when I started all this work, that's what I would have done. That's what we would have been trained to do. But really, my internal feeling of, oh, I can feel I'm attached, I can feel I'm kind of, I want this for him more than obviously he wants it for itself, and it really does him. 00;11;53;17 - 00;12;14;09 Unknown Like who? Who am I just want who am I to think that that's the way to anything, you know? And that shows up sometimes, not just in like this example. I've cut your hair. It can show up in. If people really need to get this, they really need to see it. Something like it comes back to the humbleness and awareness. 00;12;14;09 - 00;12;38;15 Unknown Like, what do I know? I'm like, their wisdom is a part of what we're waking up and people. And I could just see like through my there was a level of a little level of intensity, attachment and pushiness. Even though I may be skilled at not seeing seeming pushy, I it was pushy like and just being honest with myself. 00;12;38;18 - 00;13;03;02 Unknown And as soon as I saw that, I just dropped it, I dropped it. And then like you, I did say like it just it just came out, you know, I was just like, oh, wait a minute, I'm sorry. I can see I'm attached to this. I think it's a cool idea. I'm kind of into seeing you. Your short hair, you know, I just, like, made light of it and stuff. 00;13;03;02 - 00;13;26;02 Unknown And I'm like, but your hair has nothing to do with anything. You know? It has nothing to do with this. And in my own owning it and and saying what it was and also kind of being light and self-deprecating. Yeah, it just shifted everything. It shifted everything. And then, I realized that I wasn't making it safe for him. 00;13;26;05 - 00;13;53;21 Unknown You know, his resistance was coming up because my unconscious and then slowly became visible idea that he had to be different was creating the resistance. And, you know, I just want to say that that's part of it is it's like, oh, yeah, part of our work is we create these containers. It doesn't mean I don't challenge, I do, and sometimes I give very direct feedback. 00;13;53;24 - 00;14;19;23 Unknown But I'm doing it if I'm, if I'm, if I'm aware enough, I'm doing it as neutral and as much care and honesty as I can. So yeah, that that's the first one that came to mind. Well, I love what you're sharing so much because it, it feels like with my example to, it's like, what if we trusted our clients more? 00;14;19;25 - 00;14;48;26 Unknown Yeah. Like just yeah. As a, as a general stance that exactly as they are, what they're feeling, what they're thinking. It's not wrong. Yeah. And it doesn't actually need fixing. As I don't know, I love that kind of inner stance. That's like exactly what you're saying. Client. Exactly what you're feeling is perfectly perfect. And then and then moving from there. 00;14;48;28 - 00;15;14;23 Unknown Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. If there is anywhere else to go. But sometimes I think that's almost enough, you know, conveying that in some way. It's, it's so it's such a nice feeling. I know being a client and being treated that way. Yeah. It's so nourishing and supportive. And then it, you know, and with the mom I'm going to circle back for a second. 00;15;14;25 - 00;15;53;04 Unknown But with the mom, when I really zoomed out on that, it's like she's learning how to trust her daughter's wisdom and her daughter's instincts and gut feelings and feelings, and she's learning how to do that. And I could see by me sitting with the mom essentially saying, what you're feeling is wrong, mom. What you're thinking is wrong. Like, I'm taking her in the opposite direction of learning how to trust wisdom and trust insight and trust feelings and just to trust, trust. 00;15;53;09 - 00;16;21;13 Unknown You know, I wanted to I did eventually get there full circle of trusting her, demonstrating to her that I trust her process and that, you know, her wisdom is there, that there were actually good ideas that came forward for her to help her feel safer releasing her child into the world again. There were ideas that came in that weren't about me saying, your kid's fine and full of wisdom all on their own. 00;16;21;13 - 00;16;48;02 Unknown You don't need to parent anymore. It was that's kind of where I wanted to go at the at the start. And then being with her in a way that's like, what if there's wisdom in all of this? What if, you know, she could feel the fear and see if there's any anything in there that would be supportive? And there was there were actually things that came forward that she would put into place in relationship with her daughter. 00;16;48;02 - 00;17;20;11 Unknown They created agreements that served both of them and feeling better about her. But daughter and the mom feeling better about her going off to college was beautiful. Yeah, I love that. And that's it. I mean, I think ultimately what all of us who do this work is, our hope is that people wake up more to their own well-being, their own empowerment, their own wisdom, and they find their ability to stabilize. 00;17;20;11 - 00;17;51;07 Unknown And, you know, all those things and their most creative answers and problem solving. And so it is this. Ongoing opportunity to make sure that we're leaving space and that we can see that for them. You know, like, can we point out their wisdom not from a everyone's wise, but like, are we listening for and keeping an eye out for that deeper intelligence in them? 00;17;51;07 - 00;18;09;04 Unknown And then often our, our role is to amplify it, to draw it out, to point that out to them. Because sometimes they don't see that. They don't even see it. And like with her, it's like, oh yeah, isn't it funny that I'm trying to help her build their trust in herself? And yet I'm sitting here saying, you know, she can't. 00;18;09;11 - 00;18;45;05 Unknown She's not trustworthy. You know, like it's just such a fun thing and it happens instantly. And I'm kind of, you know, so these things are so valuable to see. Yeah. You know, another layer to this, I see this mom has been one of my greatest, like, sources of awakening for myself in that even with that, in that moment with the mom, there was when I dropped in, I'm like, I'm judging her for sure this way that she's feeling and thinking and, she should be better. 00;18;45;05 - 00;19;12;25 Unknown And I was like, I know that voice. Yeah, I know that voice. That is, something that I'm very familiar with inside myself. And forgetting that being present to whatever I am feeling, whenever I'm thinking whatever's whatever is occurring, whatever it is, when I am present to it and not pushing it away, judging it. There is so much good. 00;19;12;27 - 00;19;38;29 Unknown There's so much like goodness in that, in accepting all of me, in all that's moving through me. Yeah. And and really not slicing off like this part is good in this part is bad in this thought is good in this thought is bad. But I know that I could only hold that space with that mom in that moment, because of all the time I've spent kind of in that similar space inside myself. 00;19;39;02 - 00;20;01;17 Unknown And it was not perfect. Yeah. But it we got there, we got to a cool moment. But it is that like mirror. It mirrored my relationship with myself and it was a cool thing. And then my relationship with her and then her relationship with her daughter and her daughter's relationship with herself. I think it's pretty amazing the transformation that can happen. 00;20;01;19 - 00;20;34;20 Unknown Yeah. Yeah, it's it's that piece of where our work will often push us to the edges of our own, growth opportunities, our own blind spots, I think is, really fascinating. And I remember there was a, leader that I was working with. He was a founder, one of the founders of this firm. And he and I were chatting and, the team had, like, made some great progress. 00;20;34;20 - 00;21;15;21 Unknown And, really seen some valuable things. And, even he had. But when we sat down to talk, he, he was like, oh, yeah. And, you know, nothing's good. Everybody's the same. Nobody's changed. We're all still bring in our bad habits to communication. And, you know, I mean, yes, my relationship with my wife is better. And yes, I'm not blowing up as much and but everything just look like, you know, like it was not working, even though things coming out of his mouth were how it was working and I what I observed, I could feel my mood just plummet. 00;21;15;23 - 00;21;40;20 Unknown Like I just was like bummed, you know, like this isn't conscious thought I had in the moment, but in retrospect, I just got bummed. I wanted it to be different. I wanted him to feel different. I wanted him to see the progress. I wanted him to feel good about our work together and, and of course, I think that's a common thing for all coaches and guides and consultants and all that. 00;21;40;20 - 00;22;13;09 Unknown But, I could feel that there was a level of intensity to my own internal experience that was different than, you know, and, I realized, like just again saying, okay, your bomb, like, just let that go. I'm not trying to process myself in the moment because I'm with him. But I saw that my mood plummeted and I was like, okay, well, that I don't want to lean and, go too far into that. 00;22;13;09 - 00;22;36;15 Unknown But seeing it was a place I got to come back to him, come back to the listening. And then what I realized was, oh, he doesn't see moods. He doesn't even know he's in a low mood. And so we started having this really great conversation about moods that was a whole new like awareness to him. And it was so valuable. 00;22;36;15 - 00;22;56;22 Unknown And it's I think it's kind of one of those things that point to whatever's happening in the session is such a doorway for people like whatever's there. My, my low mood, his low mood, the wisdom and the fact that he showed up. And then I was able to see, oh, yeah, he struggles with this. I could see it everywhere. 00;22;56;23 - 00;23;23;00 Unknown Once I saw it in that moment. And then I was able to use that as a doorway for him to see something deeper, something really helpful to him. And so that was great. But what I realized, what I also saw and after the session, I, you know, just kind of it wouldn't leave me like, you know, how bummed I got and I could tell like, oh, I'm a this is for me. 00;23;23;07 - 00;23;49;19 Unknown This is not just in this session. This is for me. And, you know, and then I realized and like, oh, yeah, I, I have an opportunity here that I am. I judge low, like, it's not okay for me to be in a low mood. You know, it's not okay for me to feel hopeless or a complainer or a whiner, you know what I mean? 00;23;49;19 - 00;24;13;29 Unknown Like, I could just see how that was the line, and I could even, like, without trying. I know why I'm that way. I can trace it back. I can, you know, like there's all sorts in maybe one day over drink. We'll share all that. But the high was, I just realized I'm like, oh, I, I'm part of what's on offer for me. 00;24;14;00 - 00;24;40;18 Unknown What wants to be evolved. What would be supportive is for me to get more and more comfortable with the full range of my feelings, like, and that low moods aren't, they don't mean all the things I think they do. You know, all the things my conditioning has told me. It means. And I could just see that, like, I had a lot of thinking about a low mood and whiny and complaining. 00;24;40;18 - 00;25;16;21 Unknown And you know what it would mean for your life. And, you know, I just it just all sort of started becoming more consciously aware. And so that has been such a gift for me to get comfortable, like, you know, really comfortable and more of all of the feelings, like rather than doing what you said, like trying to sort them out, it's like, no, the more comfortable I am in the full range of the human experience, then I can authentically say to someone, you can handle it and just stay. 00;25;16;21 - 00;26;03;02 Unknown It's just a temporary feeling. But if I'm never allowed myself to go there, you know, it'd be hard to kind of say, yeah, I, you know, oh, it's fine for you, but not for me. Oh, for sure. Yeah, yeah. I love what you just shared. There's so much in it. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and I think for today, that's really our invitation is one is like looking at ourselves and, you know, one of the things I learned a long, long time ago that was so helpful to me is that if my self-awareness is at a high level, but my self-acceptance is at a much lower level, all that space in between. 00;26;03;02 - 00;26;27;16 Unknown And for those of you listening, I'm like holding up my hands and one hand is higher than the other. That space in between becomes scary territory or weaponized against ourselves, rather than when our self-acceptance and our self-awareness is at the same level. Then learning and seeing these things doesn't become, you know, another checkmark and Barb has to fix. 00;26;27;16 - 00;26;51;09 Unknown And so our invitation in this is number one to realize, or to assume you're the problem in a light way in a session or a group teaching or workshop is going to give you so much more clarity, empowerment, resourcefulness in a session. Yes. But the other is knowing that our work pushes us in a really beautiful way. 00;26;51;16 - 00;27;27;25 Unknown Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I used to tell people I still do at times, but in my day, the groups I would run like I, I've done thousands of hours of personal growth work in seminars and programs and being coach, but being willing to work with what emerges as a coach in sessions and after sessions. And what I see has been the most transformational and the most healing, because it is so, like you said, the the well, I guess I said it, but it's like a mirror. 00;27;27;28 - 00;27;54;16 Unknown Yeah, it's like how I am, seeing my client in any given moment. If it's if it's not from a space inside of like, oh, yeah, you're okay. Whatever they are, they're presenting and working with teenagers and brand new business owners and parents. It's often intense. You know what? They're what they're seeking support around. It's often scary. 00;27;54;16 - 00;28;28;05 Unknown It's self-harm. It's suicidal ideation. It's terror from parents. It's financial destitution. If I'm able to appreciate that, how I'm seeing them is, is, is a reflection of, well, I love how you did that, but my level of acceptance of my own, who I am, how I'm relating to the world, if I am accepting and or and accepting also. 00;28;28;05 - 00;29;05;03 Unknown But, accepting, but also like, appreciating that it's all okay, like there's nothing really wrong. That's happening. Thought a feeling. Behaviors. And if I'm judging my client, afraid of what they're presenting, getting triggered by it, guaranteed. There's an opportunity for me to awaken and to deepen in my own safety inside this very rich, complex, experience as a spiritual being in a human, meat soup. 00;29;05;06 - 00;29;35;29 Unknown It's like, I get it's so amazing to get to use the work not only to help other people. That's the pure intention, but to really grow myself and and let it grow me, as a practitioner. Yeah, it's very humbling. It is. It is humbling and like internally creates so much freedom. It's it's a really, really magical kind of thing to realize. 00;29;35;29 - 00;29;55;16 Unknown So. Well, everyone, thank you so much for tuning in. And if you have a question, anything you would love to hear, I'll and I talk about email us at Inside the Practitioners path at gmail.com. Bye everyone. Bye bye. 00;29;55;18 - 00;30;18;22 Unknown Thank you for listening and engaging. We're so glad you're here. If you have a question or something you'd love us to explore on a future episode, we'd love to hear from you! Email us at Inside the Practitioner's Path at gmail.com. We also host free experiences and deeper programs throughout the year. You can find what's coming up at Barbara patterson.com and Iowa codes.com. 00;30;18;28 - 00;30;24;29 Unknown Let us know what's resonating, what's opening up and what you're seeing in your own work. Until next time.