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the best possible outcome from all of this

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is that you have two people on the same game plan

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as far as what the kids this is

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we wanna do what's best for the kiddos

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and that may mean sometimes our feelings get hurt

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because kid says I

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can I go stay with mom tonight

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I know it's Dad's night but I miss Mommy

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it's fine you know

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again no

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it's my time damn it

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it's like no

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you go to your mother as long as she's cool with that

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I'm cool with that too whatever you want to do kid

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that was something that was a little difficult for me

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and for most men you know

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going through that process is you don't want to have

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use the kids against each other

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welcome back to raising men

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I'm your host Sean Dawson

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now we often talk about the crisis

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of masculinity in our culture

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but we rarely address one of its quietest symptoms

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which is passivity we see the data

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86% of men feel heavy pressure to be a provider

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yet 40% of young men say

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they have absolutely no one to turn to for guidance

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there's a massive gap between the men

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we feel that we should be

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and the examples that our sons actually see

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at the breakfast table

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today's guest is here to help us close that gap by

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starting with the man in the mirror

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Ralph Brewer is the founder of the help for Men

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Brotherhood and the creator of dad starting over

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his latest book is called Rebuild

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Ralph thanks so much for joining us today

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it's a pleasure to have you on the show

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thank you for having me thank you so much John

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appreciate it now

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let's start our conversation

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with the book that started it all

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it's called The Dead Bedroom Fix

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now while that is an adult topic

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it speaks

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really down to the core of a man's sense of self

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work worth I think

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and it's something that we just don't talk a lot about

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what prompted you to put that book out into the world

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good question

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out of everything I could have talked about

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you know why that

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well my story real quick

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is that I went through a nasty divorce

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I became a single father to three little kids

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and I started blogging about my experience

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under the name of dad starting over

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that's where that name came from

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and I've been creating social media content

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under that name for over a decade now

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and I started writing on a whole bunch of topics

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in a blog and like most blogs

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I didn't get much attention

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until I started writing on the subject of sex

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specifically sex and marriage

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and somebody said I like your take on this and this

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you should write a book on it

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and so I was really hungering for some kind of mission

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and something to do with myself and

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you know really get me going

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something to light a fire under my butt

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and so the idea of writing a book

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something I like writing

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I've never written a book before

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so I did it and when you know it

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it kind of took off so much so that actually

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the third edition of that book came out last year

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and it's called The Dead Bedroom Fix

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as you mentioned and

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since that point and from that point forward

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out of all topics I've ever spoken about

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that is the No. 1 topic by a long shot

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I mean I can talk about custody of kids

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financial issues physical fitness

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all the typical dad things

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you know guy things and then nothing

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nothing nothing alright

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how about the fact that a lot of us aren't getting any

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in marriage or not enough

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and kaboom

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the bomb goes off and guys just lose their minds

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and that's all they want to talk about

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so if you know

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if my uh

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website traffic is down a little bit

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or my social media traffic is down a little bit

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I'll just put on one of those videos and Kaboom

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it'll spike again so it begs the question

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what the heck's going on

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why out of everything I've ever spoken about

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why is that the No. 1 topic

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and I'm not alone I know psychologists and other

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content creators who put out similar material covering

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you know a span of the human condition

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and they will say the same thing

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sex sells and it's any marketer

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businessman will tell you the same thing

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oh yeah you know

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sex sells that's what a lot of guys want to talk about

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I think it's a little deeper than that

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uh maintaining

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a healthy sexuality according to the average Joe

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our definition of that within the confines

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if you will of a long term monogamous relationship

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is relatively difficult

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and we've been undersold just how difficult that is

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most of us yeah

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I think the popular culture almost it well

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it conveys that it should be effortless and

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you know you ride off into the sunset

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and you live happily ever after

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and then and and thereafter it's

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you know it's all roses and

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and puppy dogs and it's not that easy

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is it if it was

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then I wouldn't sold so many pricks

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so it's it's a big problem

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and it's something that's not talked about enough

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and it's something that a lot of men

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here's a really negative way to look at it

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if a lot of young guys were pulled aside at the age of

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when they're starting to consider

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let me find my life mate and all that other good stuff

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we were pulled aside and given like a boot camp

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so to speak on here's what marriage is like

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and here is what it takes

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to make maintain connection

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and there's a very good chance

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you may not maintain the connection way

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the way you want to I wonder

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what percentage of men would

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bow out of the relationship game completely

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that's like

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a really big eye opener for a lot of women to hear like

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oh my gosh it's that important

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yeah it

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it's that important to a lot of guys

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yeah I think that's

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I think that's right and by the way

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there's a positive feedback loop there too right

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as as that declines or a negative feedback loop

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as that declines the relationship gets worse

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which makes it harder to get that going

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and vice versa if

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if if your sex life is amazing

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then that really um

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translates to a wonderful relationship as well

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yeah we know for a fact with data

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that those couples that say

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we are happy as a couple man and woman both

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there's a definite correlation between that

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and the frequency of sex in the relationship

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the couples that say once or twice a week on average

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are the happiest couples

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I love that I love that we're bringing data into this

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so so tell me about what's yeah

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you know what is the fix

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what is you know

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if if you're a

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if you're a man

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that you're looking down the barrel at that and

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you know ultimately um

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what I should do is buy your book but uh

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but you know

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give me give me the 50,000 foot view

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the majority of men that consume my material

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and get to the point of buying a book

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watching a YouTube video

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entering my men's group are what we call anxious men

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it's a all encompassing term

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you can look at it a couple different ways

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one is that they are very anxious in their temperament

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filled naturally with a lot of anxiety

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and thing two is

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they are very anxiously attached to their partner

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there's this whole theory in psychology

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called attachment theory

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most people within relationships

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that are anxiously attached

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or preoccupied with a relationship are usually women

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but there's a large contention of men out there

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and those are the men that take in a lot of self help

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relationship oriented material

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how can I make my marriage better

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how can I reignite my sex life

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and on and on those are the

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most of the men who bought my book

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can fall under that category

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so for those men if there is hope for your relationship

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and hope for turning around

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the sexuality in the relationship

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to way oversimplify

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the answer is to become a more secure man

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to become more secure in who you are

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and consequently

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more secure in your attachment to your partner

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not constantly pursuing them

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not constantly hovering over them

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not constantly needing reassurance from them

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please wife

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make me feel better stop being upset

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yes dear

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whatever you say dear

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happy wife happy life

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just fine don't be upset

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I can't stand that you're upset

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when you're upset it ruins me completely

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it's very codependent

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is what the psychologist would call that

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a very codependent nature to these men

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Doctor Robert Glover wrote a book called

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no more Mr Nice Guy

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that is all about that codependence in men

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one of the biggest books there is on the topic

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that is the big relationship

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slash sexuality killer within a long term

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monogamous relationship that I see

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I'm sure there are all kinds of different facets of

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dead bedrooms out there we have

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a lot of avoiding men

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that don't want to connect emotionally to the women

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they're just like leave me alone

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you know very typical stereotypical guy thing

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but that's not who I see at all

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interesting so

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but I mean

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is the solution just to be more of an asshole

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that's one way of looking at it

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in fact funny you say that

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that's the way a lot of anxious guys see it

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a lot of your nice guy types

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when they see a man who has a lot of luck with women

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and he will look at the guy and study the man

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they're like he's kind of a dick

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he's kind of he's

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he's kind of really full of himself and cocky

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he's like that's one way of looking at it

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or you could say in psych terms

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I'm not a psychologist

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but I know enough to be dangerous

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the psych terms

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would be he is very low in trait neuroticism

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means he doesn't have a lot of negative thought anxiety

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depression

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he's more upbeat guy and he's very extroverted

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usually he puts himself out there

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he's not afraid to to fail

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he's not afraid to get turned down by 20 women in a row

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oh well

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who cares no big deal

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well the guy who's very introverted

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and very high in neuroticism

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a very anxious guy

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gets turned down once or twice and he's done yeah

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so there's something to be Learned from those

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extroverted guys

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and it's not so much be a cocky asshole

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as it is to be confident sure

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in who you are very secure in who you are

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knowing who you are what your values are

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and what your identity is

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that's what I wrote my latest book rebuild

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talking about building that identity

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a lot of men go through their whole childhood

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00:09:34,450 --> 00:09:35,133
young adulthood

276
00:09:35,133 --> 00:09:37,900
and into marriage without really knowing who am I

277
00:09:37,900 --> 00:09:39,116
what what do I want

278
00:09:39,450 --> 00:09:41,950
does this does my new mate match up with that

279
00:09:42,500 --> 00:09:43,833
nobody asks those questions

280
00:09:43,900 --> 00:09:46,400
it all boils down to if you're a very insecure man

281
00:09:46,533 --> 00:09:47,566
does she like me enough

282
00:09:47,566 --> 00:09:49,533
and not run away like all the other girls did

283
00:09:49,533 --> 00:09:50,166
if not oh

284
00:09:50,166 --> 00:09:51,866
good enough she's my wife to be then

285
00:09:52,133 --> 00:09:54,600
and we need to be a little bit more pragmatic about

286
00:09:54,816 --> 00:09:56,816
picking our mate yeah

287
00:09:56,816 --> 00:09:59,650
well one of the things that I've realized uh

288
00:09:59,650 --> 00:10:01,166
especially since having kids

289
00:10:01,166 --> 00:10:05,716
is that so much of life boils down to attention

290
00:10:06,016 --> 00:10:10,366
between two extremes and it's really all

291
00:10:10,366 --> 00:10:12,533
it's always very tempting to

292
00:10:12,533 --> 00:10:17,333
to decide that one of these extremes is maladaptive

293
00:10:17,333 --> 00:10:18,533
or isn't working for me

294
00:10:18,533 --> 00:10:21,150
so I'm just gonna go all the way to the other side

295
00:10:21,500 --> 00:10:24,250
and what you're describing here is

296
00:10:24,250 --> 00:10:28,866
there's a tension between becoming an anxious

297
00:10:28,966 --> 00:10:29,650
nice guy

298
00:10:29,650 --> 00:10:32,100
who just wants to please everybody all the time

299
00:10:32,100 --> 00:10:34,850
which means that like frankly

300
00:10:34,850 --> 00:10:36,533
your wife is not going to be attracted to that

301
00:10:36,533 --> 00:10:37,616
she's not looking for that

302
00:10:37,616 --> 00:10:40,416
she's looking for a provider and a protector

303
00:10:40,416 --> 00:10:42,750
and those you're not sending her that signal

304
00:10:43,566 --> 00:10:45,900
versus on way on the other side of the extreme

305
00:10:45,900 --> 00:10:47,600
just being a complete asshole

306
00:10:47,966 --> 00:10:53,016
and the right tension there I think is is really

307
00:10:53,016 --> 00:10:55,950
really critical especially when it comes

308
00:10:56,166 --> 00:11:00,133
to the messages that you're sending your kids right

309
00:11:00,133 --> 00:11:01,800
you don't want to send your kids

310
00:11:01,933 --> 00:11:06,033
the message that you are a jerk to your wife

311
00:11:06,250 --> 00:11:08,933
but you also don't want to be the doormat over there

312
00:11:08,933 --> 00:11:11,700
and so you need to figure out what that tension is

313
00:11:11,700 --> 00:11:17,816
and honor your spouse honor your wife in a way that it

314
00:11:17,816 --> 00:11:21,250
that that isn't isn't chasing after her

315
00:11:21,250 --> 00:11:23,550
trying to please her and being anxious

316
00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:25,283
would you would you agree with that

317
00:11:25,333 --> 00:11:27,333
you nailed it that that's the difficult thing

318
00:11:27,333 --> 00:11:27,500
that

319
00:11:27,500 --> 00:11:30,066
that delicate balancing act is what I often call it

320
00:11:30,166 --> 00:11:32,333
yeah you do need to be emotional and open and

321
00:11:32,333 --> 00:11:33,666
vulnerable with your spouse

322
00:11:33,866 --> 00:11:35,000
but there's a limit

323
00:11:35,050 --> 00:11:38,850
and if you're an anxious man who has a lot of oh

324
00:11:38,850 --> 00:11:40,650
tension and anxiety built up

325
00:11:40,650 --> 00:11:41,616
which a lot of these guys do

326
00:11:41,616 --> 00:11:42,333
and they hold it in

327
00:11:42,333 --> 00:11:43,966
and they hold it in and they hold it in

328
00:11:43,966 --> 00:11:44,966
and then kaboom

329
00:11:44,966 --> 00:11:46,850
they emotionally vomit as it's called

330
00:11:46,850 --> 00:11:48,816
all over their spouse and the spouse just left going

331
00:11:48,816 --> 00:11:50,900
what the heck is this I

332
00:11:50,900 --> 00:11:52,616
I can't trust this man anymore

333
00:11:52,616 --> 00:11:53,816
I don't feel safe

334
00:11:53,816 --> 00:11:57,216
you'll hear the ladies say around this man anymore uh

335
00:11:57,216 --> 00:11:58,533
often this comes at a moment

336
00:11:58,533 --> 00:12:00,533
where the woman is having a very unsteady

337
00:12:00,533 --> 00:12:03,700
emotional moment and she comes to hubby and she's like

338
00:12:03,700 --> 00:12:05,016
I I'm not feeling good

339
00:12:05,016 --> 00:12:06,133
I'm feeling anxious about this

340
00:12:06,133 --> 00:12:08,550
I'm feeling unsure help steady me

341
00:12:08,666 --> 00:12:09,966
and he just can't take anymore

342
00:12:09,966 --> 00:12:11,333
and he vomits all over her

343
00:12:11,333 --> 00:12:14,450
so the lesson is just this circle of back and forth of

344
00:12:14,450 --> 00:12:15,533
I can't be this way

345
00:12:15,533 --> 00:12:17,133
cause I can't trust him with my feelings

346
00:12:17,133 --> 00:12:19,500
and he emotionally vomits all over her and he's like

347
00:12:19,500 --> 00:12:20,016
look I

348
00:12:20,016 --> 00:12:21,933
I knew it men can't be vulnerable with women

349
00:12:21,933 --> 00:12:22,533
it's it's

350
00:12:22,533 --> 00:12:25,133
that leads to a lot of dysfunction in the relationship

351
00:12:25,133 --> 00:12:26,166
and around and around they go

352
00:12:26,166 --> 00:12:29,800
it's very unhealthy so what do you do

353
00:12:29,933 --> 00:12:31,816
I mean if you're feeling this anxiety

354
00:12:31,816 --> 00:12:34,416
if you're feeling that what do you do about that

355
00:12:34,416 --> 00:12:35,950
how do you become

356
00:12:36,733 --> 00:12:38,550
how do you experience that security

357
00:12:40,333 --> 00:12:42,766
you know it sounds a little boilerplate

358
00:12:42,766 --> 00:12:44,500
and a lot of guys listening to this

359
00:12:44,500 --> 00:12:47,050
kind of roll their eyes but you hate to say it

360
00:12:47,050 --> 00:12:51,150
but a lot of the origins of this starts in childhood

361
00:12:51,300 --> 00:12:53,166
you were raised by a certain mom and dad

362
00:12:53,166 --> 00:12:55,666
who raised you in a certain way

363
00:12:55,850 --> 00:12:57,700
and the way they interacted with you

364
00:12:57,700 --> 00:12:58,766
has a lot to do with how you

365
00:12:58,766 --> 00:13:00,366
interact with your romantic partners

366
00:13:00,366 --> 00:13:01,866
and your kids down the line

367
00:13:02,133 --> 00:13:05,133
and then you watch them and how they interact

368
00:13:05,133 --> 00:13:06,766
mom and dad if you're so lucky

369
00:13:06,766 --> 00:13:08,666
they stayed married throughout your childhood

370
00:13:08,733 --> 00:13:10,850
and you watched the dad say yes dear

371
00:13:10,850 --> 00:13:11,666
whatever dear

372
00:13:11,766 --> 00:13:14,166
and escape to the basement and work in his workshop

373
00:13:14,166 --> 00:13:15,916
and stay the heck away from mom

374
00:13:15,966 --> 00:13:18,616
and mom rolling her eyes and discussed dad all the time

375
00:13:18,616 --> 00:13:19,833
you internalize that

376
00:13:19,833 --> 00:13:21,300
and you had a front row seat for it

377
00:13:21,300 --> 00:13:23,433
well I guess this is just how couples act

378
00:13:23,533 --> 00:13:25,966
and then you marry somebody just like mom

379
00:13:25,966 --> 00:13:26,850
and you're like oh man

380
00:13:26,850 --> 00:13:28,966
here we go again and like clockwork

381
00:13:28,966 --> 00:13:31,016
you get divorced just like mom and dad did

382
00:13:31,016 --> 00:13:32,250
or whatever it may be

383
00:13:32,250 --> 00:13:35,533
and we're just repeating these same patterns all over

384
00:13:35,533 --> 00:13:37,333
over and over again so

385
00:13:37,333 --> 00:13:39,816
I think it behooves a lot of guys to first

386
00:13:39,816 --> 00:13:40,933
take an honest step back

387
00:13:40,933 --> 00:13:42,633
and you may do this via therapy

388
00:13:43,300 --> 00:13:44,250
I'm not a therapist

389
00:13:44,250 --> 00:13:46,400
but a therapist may sit down with you and just say

390
00:13:46,500 --> 00:13:47,333
let's really sit down

391
00:13:47,333 --> 00:13:48,650
and think about what's going on with you

392
00:13:48,650 --> 00:13:49,966
where do you think this comes from

393
00:13:49,966 --> 00:13:52,033
tell me about mom tell me about dad

394
00:13:52,100 --> 00:13:53,966
aha now we've identified it

395
00:13:53,966 --> 00:13:55,450
now you can say now

396
00:13:55,450 --> 00:13:56,300
you can recognize

397
00:13:56,300 --> 00:13:57,733
when you're going down the wrong path here

398
00:13:57,733 --> 00:13:59,033
and you can go you know what

399
00:13:59,133 --> 00:14:00,100
time out stop

400
00:14:00,100 --> 00:14:01,500
let's let's not do this path

401
00:14:01,500 --> 00:14:04,300
let's turn around go back and try again

402
00:14:04,300 --> 00:14:06,016
and a lot of that starts with

403
00:14:06,016 --> 00:14:08,016
recognizing all those things that you were taught

404
00:14:08,016 --> 00:14:10,316
as a kiddo that aren't so healthy

405
00:14:10,650 --> 00:14:12,133
and a lot of that is OK

406
00:14:12,133 --> 00:14:14,366
now that we've kind of identified

407
00:14:14,366 --> 00:14:16,400
and we know what the wrong path is

408
00:14:16,566 --> 00:14:18,200
what's the right path here

409
00:14:18,300 --> 00:14:19,950
what what do I want out of life

410
00:14:20,500 --> 00:14:23,116
unfortunately for a lot of anxious type men

411
00:14:23,250 --> 00:14:25,216
who are married to their polar opposite

412
00:14:25,216 --> 00:14:27,350
ironically the very avoidant woman

413
00:14:27,900 --> 00:14:31,316
a lot of these men realize there's no help in this

414
00:14:31,500 --> 00:14:34,633
this woman has told me from day 1 how she is

415
00:14:34,766 --> 00:14:36,133
and I said you got it

416
00:14:36,133 --> 00:14:38,433
and I married her and I had kids with her

417
00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:40,566
and I've done so for the last 15

418
00:14:40,566 --> 00:14:41,650
20 25 years

419
00:14:41,650 --> 00:14:44,600
whatever may be I can't turn this around tomorrow

420
00:14:44,733 --> 00:14:47,250
and most likely statistically

421
00:14:47,250 --> 00:14:49,400
I probably won't be able to turn this around

422
00:14:49,416 --> 00:14:52,366
not to the level that I want in a relationship

423
00:14:52,366 --> 00:14:55,316
I want a nice loving partner who I can be open with

424
00:14:55,500 --> 00:14:57,666
somebody who likes physical intimacy

425
00:14:57,900 --> 00:14:59,416
somebody who when I walk in the door says

426
00:14:59,416 --> 00:15:00,500
how was your day handsome

427
00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:01,733
yeah that

428
00:15:01,733 --> 00:15:03,250
sounds silly but a lot of men like

429
00:15:03,250 --> 00:15:05,533
almost weep when they hear me say something like that

430
00:15:05,533 --> 00:15:07,466
because they've never heard it ever

431
00:15:07,900 --> 00:15:11,100
and I listen to the stories of their wife and I go

432
00:15:11,100 --> 00:15:12,050
that's never gonna be her

433
00:15:12,050 --> 00:15:13,450
my friend you know

434
00:15:13,450 --> 00:15:15,700
you can become the most secure individual on the planet

435
00:15:15,700 --> 00:15:17,816
earth you can look like a Greek God

436
00:15:17,816 --> 00:15:19,533
you can do all these great things

437
00:15:19,533 --> 00:15:21,833
that's she is who she is

438
00:15:22,133 --> 00:15:23,416
and she has told you Point Blank

439
00:15:23,416 --> 00:15:24,700
she ain't never gonna get help with it

440
00:15:24,700 --> 00:15:26,433
cause she doesn't see that there's a problem

441
00:15:26,933 --> 00:15:29,316
so the more secure you become

442
00:15:29,333 --> 00:15:31,550
as any person who works on this kind of stuff

443
00:15:31,933 --> 00:15:32,733
what they'll tell you is

444
00:15:32,733 --> 00:15:34,233
you're gonna leave some people behind

445
00:15:34,566 --> 00:15:36,533
and those are people that you determine

446
00:15:36,533 --> 00:15:37,700
aren't so healthy for you

447
00:15:37,700 --> 00:15:38,450
and unfortunately

448
00:15:38,450 --> 00:15:41,316
that may be your spouse and the mother to your children

449
00:15:41,533 --> 00:15:42,400
that sucks

450
00:15:43,616 --> 00:15:44,650
yeah I

451
00:15:44,650 --> 00:15:45,050
I I'm

452
00:15:45,050 --> 00:15:45,850
I'm with you I

453
00:15:45,850 --> 00:15:49,400
I think that is that's a great segue into uh

454
00:15:49,816 --> 00:15:52,333
another topic the topic of your latest book uh

455
00:15:52,333 --> 00:15:54,366
which is called rebuild and so

456
00:15:54,366 --> 00:15:55,916
you know obviously

457
00:15:56,166 --> 00:15:58,516
sometimes it doesn't work out or sometimes you decide

458
00:15:58,616 --> 00:15:59,616
wow we're just

459
00:15:59,616 --> 00:16:03,000
we're just not gonna be compatible now what do you do

460
00:16:03,216 --> 00:16:04,333
hmm yeah

461
00:16:04,333 --> 00:16:05,600
what do you do do well

462
00:16:05,616 --> 00:16:06,916
for a lot of guys it's

463
00:16:07,216 --> 00:16:08,016
you better buckle up

464
00:16:08,016 --> 00:16:10,866
your life's about to get very interesting unfortunately

465
00:16:11,016 --> 00:16:12,916
you know divorce is not a pretty thing

466
00:16:13,033 --> 00:16:14,566
although I am hearing more

467
00:16:14,566 --> 00:16:16,966
and more about very amicable divorces

468
00:16:16,966 --> 00:16:20,300
I think what helps in that process is the fact that

469
00:16:20,300 --> 00:16:22,933
more and more the women in our lives make just as much

470
00:16:22,933 --> 00:16:24,766
if not more than us and so

471
00:16:24,766 --> 00:16:27,300
that kind of changes the tone as far as child support

472
00:16:27,300 --> 00:16:29,316
alimony and everything else is concerned

473
00:16:29,366 --> 00:16:31,300
and often you go let's just go to the mediator

474
00:16:31,300 --> 00:16:32,766
and the mediator says you get this debt

475
00:16:32,766 --> 00:16:34,566
you get that debt you get this asset

476
00:16:34,566 --> 00:16:36,000
you get you get that asset

477
00:16:36,366 --> 00:16:36,766
uh 50

478
00:16:36,766 --> 00:16:38,450
50 child custody is becoming more

479
00:16:38,450 --> 00:16:41,500
more common some states are defaulting to that

480
00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:42,966
you know if there's divorce

481
00:16:42,966 --> 00:16:44,566
then we will default to 50 50

482
00:16:44,566 --> 00:16:46,766
you have to prove that there's reason not to

483
00:16:46,766 --> 00:16:47,416
as opposed to

484
00:16:47,416 --> 00:16:49,400
you need to prove reason that there should be

485
00:16:49,450 --> 00:16:50,533
that's an awesome thing

486
00:16:50,533 --> 00:16:53,816
so a lot of men that I talk to are financially

487
00:16:53,816 --> 00:16:56,333
I'm not hurt that bad in fact

488
00:16:56,333 --> 00:16:59,166
after maybe six months a year or so down the line

489
00:16:59,166 --> 00:17:00,266
I go you know what

490
00:17:00,733 --> 00:17:02,316
it's almost like I got a raise

491
00:17:02,533 --> 00:17:03,333
I thought

492
00:17:03,333 --> 00:17:05,250
I thought the divorce thing was supposed to be bad

493
00:17:05,250 --> 00:17:06,616
it's like when you eliminate a whole

494
00:17:06,616 --> 00:17:08,700
another person and spending habits out of the equation

495
00:17:08,700 --> 00:17:10,316
you you may end up doing better

496
00:17:10,533 --> 00:17:12,400
and what a lot of men say is uh

497
00:17:13,450 --> 00:17:15,750
the relationship with my children has actually improved

498
00:17:16,216 --> 00:17:17,850
because I'm much more focused on them

499
00:17:17,850 --> 00:17:19,100
when I have them under my roof

500
00:17:19,100 --> 00:17:21,050
yeah when they're with mom

501
00:17:21,050 --> 00:17:22,716
for the the week after that

502
00:17:22,816 --> 00:17:24,733
I often still go to all their practices

503
00:17:24,733 --> 00:17:25,700
and their sporting events

504
00:17:25,700 --> 00:17:26,916
and their school events

505
00:17:27,016 --> 00:17:29,416
and I pick them up for lunch every now and then uh

506
00:17:29,416 --> 00:17:31,700
the one kid text me I don't know where and said

507
00:17:31,700 --> 00:17:33,516
you wanna do dinner and I took him out to dinner

508
00:17:33,566 --> 00:17:36,600
and they realize it's almost like um

509
00:17:37,500 --> 00:17:39,216
my time is limited I know it is

510
00:17:39,216 --> 00:17:40,816
I'm not gonna have this kid 24 7

511
00:17:40,816 --> 00:17:43,150
so I better make it special while I have them yeah

512
00:17:43,566 --> 00:17:44,500
it's funny how that

513
00:17:44,500 --> 00:17:46,333
how life kind of teaches us those lessons

514
00:17:46,333 --> 00:17:49,700
but a lot of men do pretty well after divorce

515
00:17:49,700 --> 00:17:51,350
I know there's a big uh uh

516
00:17:52,566 --> 00:17:53,333
oh what's the word

517
00:17:53,333 --> 00:17:55,050
narrative out there that men are destroyed

518
00:17:55,050 --> 00:17:56,000
men are you know

519
00:17:56,050 --> 00:17:58,700
brutalized in divorce and so forth again

520
00:17:58,700 --> 00:18:01,966
talk about data driven if you compare the men and women

521
00:18:01,966 --> 00:18:04,050
men tend to do a lot better financially

522
00:18:04,050 --> 00:18:05,633
if you want to use that as a gauge

523
00:18:05,650 --> 00:18:08,600
after divorce long term than what women do

524
00:18:08,650 --> 00:18:12,216
so I'm not saying that as a pro divorce guy

525
00:18:12,216 --> 00:18:13,666
I'm doing that as a

526
00:18:14,100 --> 00:18:16,316
I'm saying that rather as a guy who says

527
00:18:16,850 --> 00:18:18,966
if it's inevitable like there's no going there

528
00:18:18,966 --> 00:18:20,700
there's no changing this it is what it is

529
00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:22,300
you've tried everything you can

530
00:18:22,300 --> 00:18:23,966
and the wife just gives you the big middle finger

531
00:18:23,966 --> 00:18:24,966
and says go away

532
00:18:24,966 --> 00:18:27,133
and you realize this is the only way to go down you'll

533
00:18:27,133 --> 00:18:29,050
you'll probably it's not the end of the world yeah

534
00:18:29,050 --> 00:18:31,333
you'll be okay it's not the end of the world

535
00:18:31,333 --> 00:18:36,533
I I think um I think that it

536
00:18:36,533 --> 00:18:39,350
it can also really improve your relationship

537
00:18:39,650 --> 00:18:42,666
with your now ex spouse because

538
00:18:43,100 --> 00:18:46,033
you're now just partners in raising your children

539
00:18:46,500 --> 00:18:49,050
and if you can get on the same page about that

540
00:18:49,050 --> 00:18:51,366
and there's not all of this

541
00:18:51,366 --> 00:18:52,900
added expectation

542
00:18:52,900 --> 00:18:56,033
of whatever resentments were building up over time

543
00:18:56,300 --> 00:19:02,666
that you now it's it you just narrowed the scope of

544
00:19:03,016 --> 00:19:06,916
of your partnership and it's easier to succeed

545
00:19:07,050 --> 00:19:08,916
because it doesn't have all these other things

546
00:19:09,300 --> 00:19:10,616
very well put I love it

547
00:19:10,616 --> 00:19:13,416
you're exactly right it's it for a lot of people

548
00:19:13,416 --> 00:19:15,950
we were already co parents anyway

549
00:19:15,966 --> 00:19:16,533
it's just that

550
00:19:16,533 --> 00:19:18,450
we were technically living under the same roof

551
00:19:18,450 --> 00:19:20,450
it was already kind of a business negotiation

552
00:19:20,450 --> 00:19:22,816
any kind of romance or emotional connection was gone

553
00:19:22,816 --> 00:19:25,650
years ago but now it's on the table at post divorce

554
00:19:25,650 --> 00:19:26,933
yeah there you go

555
00:19:26,933 --> 00:19:28,016
I was gonna say it's more overt

556
00:19:28,016 --> 00:19:30,033
it's out in the open now this is what it is

557
00:19:30,333 --> 00:19:31,500
we can drop all the pretense

558
00:19:31,500 --> 00:19:32,100
and the knowledge

559
00:19:32,100 --> 00:19:33,966
and the resentment of not connecting that way

560
00:19:33,966 --> 00:19:35,850
and husband you can stop being so ticked off

561
00:19:35,850 --> 00:19:37,166
that I won't touch you anymore

562
00:19:37,166 --> 00:19:38,333
it's understood that yeah

563
00:19:38,333 --> 00:19:39,450
we're not living in the same roof

564
00:19:39,450 --> 00:19:40,166
we're not husband and wife

565
00:19:40,166 --> 00:19:42,733
obviously we're not gonna touch each other anymore phew

566
00:19:42,733 --> 00:19:43,766
we can just you know take that off

567
00:19:43,766 --> 00:19:44,566
the table

568
00:19:44,633 --> 00:19:46,733
and concentrate on what we need to concentrate on

569
00:19:46,733 --> 00:19:47,866
the kiddos right

570
00:19:47,900 --> 00:19:49,933
and you're right you could be like why

571
00:19:49,933 --> 00:19:51,350
why didn't we do this sooner

572
00:19:52,250 --> 00:19:54,333
as sad as that sounds but another

573
00:19:54,333 --> 00:19:58,150
another thing that can happen there is it can get sour

574
00:19:58,450 --> 00:20:00,816
the resentments can just overflow

575
00:20:00,816 --> 00:20:04,100
and you don't get that meeting of the minds about okay

576
00:20:04,100 --> 00:20:06,433
now let's just make sure our kids thrive

577
00:20:06,616 --> 00:20:10,050
and it becomes it becomes a battle and

578
00:20:10,050 --> 00:20:13,416
and that is particularly dangerous

579
00:20:13,416 --> 00:20:14,833
I think for

580
00:20:15,766 --> 00:20:20,400
for a father or parent of boys

581
00:20:20,966 --> 00:20:25,300
um because boys have much worse outcomes than girls

582
00:20:25,300 --> 00:20:28,033
if there isn't a man in the house

583
00:20:28,166 --> 00:20:31,350
or they're not spending time around quality men

584
00:20:32,016 --> 00:20:35,300
and that that can end up being the default if

585
00:20:35,300 --> 00:20:37,116
in these sorts of ugly situations

586
00:20:37,733 --> 00:20:38,600
what

587
00:20:39,250 --> 00:20:41,466
what do you think you need to do

588
00:20:42,016 --> 00:20:46,333
in order to establish that healthy relationship

589
00:20:46,333 --> 00:20:49,333
with good boundaries and make sure that

590
00:20:49,333 --> 00:20:52,916
your son is getting access to the best part of you

591
00:20:52,933 --> 00:20:55,000
and and all of that

592
00:20:55,216 --> 00:20:56,616
let's just put this out there

593
00:20:56,616 --> 00:20:57,900
for the men that I work with

594
00:20:57,900 --> 00:20:59,750
those anxious men that I talked about

595
00:21:00,016 --> 00:21:02,100
not only do they tend to pair up with the avoidant

596
00:21:02,100 --> 00:21:03,900
woman but they often times

597
00:21:03,900 --> 00:21:05,650
especially our neurodivergent guys

598
00:21:05,650 --> 00:21:07,050
the guys that are on ADHD

599
00:21:07,050 --> 00:21:08,666
autism spectrum and so forth

600
00:21:09,166 --> 00:21:11,300
they have a higher chance of connecting with a woman

601
00:21:11,300 --> 00:21:12,966
who may have a personality disorder

602
00:21:12,966 --> 00:21:16,133
for example so they're in a very toxic relationship it

603
00:21:16,133 --> 00:21:19,216
doesn't show its true toxic colors until down the line

604
00:21:19,216 --> 00:21:20,216
after kids come into the picture

605
00:21:20,216 --> 00:21:22,216
and you got a lot of stress and everything settles in

606
00:21:22,216 --> 00:21:23,366
the honeymoon phase passes

607
00:21:23,366 --> 00:21:24,916
and then you're like who is this person

608
00:21:25,016 --> 00:21:26,200
it can get really

609
00:21:26,300 --> 00:21:28,466
really toxic and really nasty in a hurry

610
00:21:28,533 --> 00:21:29,900
and then once you divorce

611
00:21:29,900 --> 00:21:30,566
it seems like

612
00:21:30,566 --> 00:21:33,416
those women are hell bent on making your life hell

613
00:21:33,416 --> 00:21:34,466
as much as possible

614
00:21:34,533 --> 00:21:36,133
they will kick a man while he's down

615
00:21:36,133 --> 00:21:37,816
and it doesn't make any sense to the poor guy

616
00:21:37,816 --> 00:21:39,050
who's like I

617
00:21:39,050 --> 00:21:40,100
I I didn't want the divorce

618
00:21:40,100 --> 00:21:41,050
I wanted to stay together

619
00:21:41,050 --> 00:21:42,366
I'm just want to do this for our kids

620
00:21:42,366 --> 00:21:45,066
and why is she trying to punish me at every turn

621
00:21:46,300 --> 00:21:50,116
this is very important for those guys to get help

622
00:21:50,300 --> 00:21:53,150
don't do this alone you can get overwhelmed in a hurry

623
00:21:53,216 --> 00:21:55,633
and what you need to learn are those tactics of

624
00:21:56,050 --> 00:21:59,566
there's a little psych tactic called a gray rock

625
00:21:59,566 --> 00:22:01,033
I don't know if you're familiar with this

626
00:22:01,100 --> 00:22:01,966
when you're dealing with like

627
00:22:01,966 --> 00:22:03,466
a narcissistic person

628
00:22:03,616 --> 00:22:06,100
or somebody who's very histrionic

629
00:22:06,100 --> 00:22:08,400
and trying to get a rise out of you emotionally

630
00:22:08,766 --> 00:22:10,333
an example I often give is

631
00:22:10,333 --> 00:22:12,033
let's say you two are in mediation

632
00:22:12,216 --> 00:22:14,166
and you're sitting across the table from each other

633
00:22:14,166 --> 00:22:16,733
and you get to the point of a divorce mediation

634
00:22:16,733 --> 00:22:17,616
and you get to the point of

635
00:22:17,616 --> 00:22:19,266
they talk about child custody

636
00:22:19,266 --> 00:22:20,500
this is a really common scenario

637
00:22:20,500 --> 00:22:21,450
by the way and

638
00:22:21,450 --> 00:22:22,450
they're like okay

639
00:22:22,450 --> 00:22:25,416
Mister so and so proposes that we do a 50 50 split

640
00:22:25,416 --> 00:22:27,100
one week with mom one week with dad

641
00:22:27,100 --> 00:22:28,416
here's how we'll handle the holidays

642
00:22:28,416 --> 00:22:29,533
and summer break and everything

643
00:22:29,533 --> 00:22:31,400
and the mom just starts bawling her eyes out

644
00:22:31,500 --> 00:22:33,700
I can't believe you're taking the kids away from me

645
00:22:33,700 --> 00:22:36,333
this is horrible the kids need their mother um

646
00:22:36,333 --> 00:22:38,333
I should have them 75% of the time

647
00:22:38,333 --> 00:22:39,216
this is wholly unfair

648
00:22:39,216 --> 00:22:41,016
just because I did these horrible things to you

649
00:22:41,016 --> 00:22:41,900
cheated on you whatever

650
00:22:41,900 --> 00:22:43,566
doesn't mean that I'm a horrible mother

651
00:22:43,566 --> 00:22:45,250
why are you punishing me like this

652
00:22:45,250 --> 00:22:46,933
why are you punishing our kids

653
00:22:46,933 --> 00:22:49,816
and on and on and on a gray rock picture

654
00:22:49,816 --> 00:22:51,300
just a lump of stone sitting there

655
00:22:51,300 --> 00:22:54,366
not reacting just listens to her and says okay

656
00:22:54,366 --> 00:22:56,566
on to page 2 and as if

657
00:22:56,566 --> 00:22:58,433
you know none of that phases you

658
00:22:59,216 --> 00:23:01,416
that is the oh the

659
00:23:01,416 --> 00:23:03,933
the template structure you need to have in mind for you

660
00:23:03,933 --> 00:23:05,900
and your interactions with your toxic

661
00:23:05,900 --> 00:23:06,650
for lack of a better word

662
00:23:06,650 --> 00:23:07,833
ex going forward

663
00:23:08,566 --> 00:23:10,250
all that just bounces right off of you

664
00:23:10,250 --> 00:23:13,050
it has no impact on you there's no legal anything there

665
00:23:13,050 --> 00:23:15,750
so why even bother responding to it or taking it in

666
00:23:15,850 --> 00:23:17,933
and on top of that the emotional component

667
00:23:17,933 --> 00:23:19,116
know your legal rights

668
00:23:19,650 --> 00:23:20,050
I don't know

669
00:23:20,050 --> 00:23:21,766
how many men just roll over and just be like

670
00:23:21,766 --> 00:23:22,850
ah drama

671
00:23:22,850 --> 00:23:23,766
I don't like it

672
00:23:23,766 --> 00:23:25,900
all this negativity and toxicity from her fine

673
00:23:25,900 --> 00:23:27,066
fine whatever fine

674
00:23:27,300 --> 00:23:28,933
and in the process of doing the fine

675
00:23:28,933 --> 00:23:30,050
fine whatever fine

676
00:23:30,050 --> 00:23:31,416
they're giving up money

677
00:23:31,416 --> 00:23:33,066
they're giving up time with their children

678
00:23:33,250 --> 00:23:34,766
they're hurting themselves in the long run

679
00:23:34,766 --> 00:23:36,450
when they need somebody put an arm around them going

680
00:23:36,450 --> 00:23:37,100
buddy you know

681
00:23:37,100 --> 00:23:40,200
you have rights here you don't have to give all this up

682
00:23:40,333 --> 00:23:42,300
no one asked you to spend this extra money

683
00:23:42,300 --> 00:23:42,733
you know

684
00:23:42,733 --> 00:23:45,133
you have the right to see the child X percent of time

685
00:23:45,133 --> 00:23:47,150
whatever it is in your state country whatever yeah

686
00:23:47,500 --> 00:23:48,750
so know your rights

687
00:23:48,966 --> 00:23:51,050
get an attorney that's gonna fight for you

688
00:23:51,050 --> 00:23:53,950
understand the inside out of all of this stuff

689
00:23:54,166 --> 00:23:57,066
and don't let her emotionality affect you so much

690
00:23:57,216 --> 00:23:59,100
uh you have a right to see those children

691
00:23:59,100 --> 00:24:00,550
just as much as she does

692
00:24:00,650 --> 00:24:02,550
and don't let anybody tell you otherwise

693
00:24:03,216 --> 00:24:05,850
it could be argued that women are more nurturing and

694
00:24:05,850 --> 00:24:08,333
you know they tend to be the logistical managers in the

695
00:24:08,333 --> 00:24:09,733
in the family let's be honest

696
00:24:09,733 --> 00:24:10,166
they're the ones

697
00:24:10,166 --> 00:24:12,966
typically that know the doctor appointments in the

698
00:24:12,966 --> 00:24:14,416
this school thing and that thing

699
00:24:14,416 --> 00:24:16,050
you may have to take that over dude

700
00:24:16,050 --> 00:24:17,766
or you're gonna take over some of it

701
00:24:17,766 --> 00:24:18,750
it's just a matter of

702
00:24:19,500 --> 00:24:20,333
yeah you're gonna

703
00:24:20,333 --> 00:24:23,216
it's a new skill you have to learn just like any other

704
00:24:23,216 --> 00:24:25,933
not a big deal but you're right

705
00:24:25,933 --> 00:24:28,266
it can get pretty nasty there's this whole

706
00:24:28,616 --> 00:24:31,450
parental alienation thing that you hear often about

707
00:24:31,450 --> 00:24:33,016
where the for example

708
00:24:33,016 --> 00:24:34,450
the mother of the children

709
00:24:34,450 --> 00:24:35,050
may say you know

710
00:24:35,050 --> 00:24:36,333
your father is a horrible

711
00:24:36,333 --> 00:24:37,100
terrible person

712
00:24:37,100 --> 00:24:40,533
let me try to poison your mind about things about dad

713
00:24:40,533 --> 00:24:42,000
whether they're true or not

714
00:24:42,100 --> 00:24:44,500
so that you will spend more time with me and you will

715
00:24:44,500 --> 00:24:45,916
instead of going to dad

716
00:24:45,966 --> 00:24:48,766
that's a very common tactic for a lot of frankly

717
00:24:48,766 --> 00:24:50,966
mentally ill women and that's not a slam

718
00:24:50,966 --> 00:24:52,300
a lot of them do have mental illness

719
00:24:52,300 --> 00:24:54,400
you know borderline personality disorder

720
00:24:54,900 --> 00:24:56,566
bipolar disorder whatever it may be

721
00:24:56,566 --> 00:24:58,566
those are not unheard of in my world

722
00:24:58,566 --> 00:25:00,533
when it comes to anxious guys

723
00:25:00,533 --> 00:25:02,133
who got with the wrong gal

724
00:25:02,133 --> 00:25:03,133
so many years ago

725
00:25:03,133 --> 00:25:04,800
we hear this kind of stuff all the time

726
00:25:04,966 --> 00:25:06,366
yeah I

727
00:25:06,366 --> 00:25:07,550
I and I imagine

728
00:25:08,700 --> 00:25:09,050
you know

729
00:25:09,050 --> 00:25:12,133
I imagine the mother has her own version of that story

730
00:25:12,133 --> 00:25:14,633
and at the end of the story

731
00:25:15,533 --> 00:25:17,800
the most important thing is that you

732
00:25:18,166 --> 00:25:19,750
come up with a constructive

733
00:25:20,616 --> 00:25:22,533
mechanism moving forward right

734
00:25:22,533 --> 00:25:23,133
I mean and

735
00:25:23,133 --> 00:25:26,166
and it can be an asset this

736
00:25:26,166 --> 00:25:27,900
this new regime that you're getting into

737
00:25:27,900 --> 00:25:29,800
can be way better than the old one

738
00:25:30,300 --> 00:25:32,450
you just have to seek it out and

739
00:25:32,450 --> 00:25:33,733
and better for both of you

740
00:25:33,733 --> 00:25:35,316
and that's that's

741
00:25:35,450 --> 00:25:36,850
that's the goal there right

742
00:25:36,850 --> 00:25:39,116
and if you if you start focusing on

743
00:25:39,216 --> 00:25:42,566
if you if you have this fixed pie mentality and

744
00:25:42,566 --> 00:25:44,866
and it's easy to get there where

745
00:25:45,100 --> 00:25:46,433
where every

746
00:25:46,616 --> 00:25:50,650
every loss to her is a gain to me or vice versa

747
00:25:50,650 --> 00:25:52,200
she feels that way about me

748
00:25:52,366 --> 00:25:55,100
then it it's all I

749
00:25:55,100 --> 00:25:58,500
I feel like the the divorce industrial complex

750
00:25:58,500 --> 00:26:01,016
that's what they almost thrive on right

751
00:26:01,016 --> 00:26:01,450
you know the

752
00:26:01,450 --> 00:26:03,366
the the divorce lawyers will sit there and

753
00:26:03,366 --> 00:26:07,000
and they'll be happy to continue fighting for 10 years

754
00:26:07,366 --> 00:26:09,766
and that's not in your interests at all

755
00:26:09,766 --> 00:26:10,633
I don't think no so

756
00:26:10,633 --> 00:26:11,983
you know so

757
00:26:12,616 --> 00:26:15,016
the best possible outcome from all of this is that

758
00:26:15,016 --> 00:26:16,750
you have two people on the same

759
00:26:17,616 --> 00:26:19,916
same game plan as far as what the kids

760
00:26:20,100 --> 00:26:22,350
this is we wanna do what's best for the kiddos

761
00:26:22,500 --> 00:26:25,016
and that may mean sometimes our feelings get hurt

762
00:26:25,016 --> 00:26:28,216
because kid says I can I go stay with mom tonight

763
00:26:28,216 --> 00:26:30,966
I know it's Dad's night but I miss Mommy that's fine

764
00:26:30,966 --> 00:26:32,150
you know again

765
00:26:32,300 --> 00:26:33,250
no it's my time

766
00:26:33,250 --> 00:26:33,966
damn it it's like no

767
00:26:33,966 --> 00:26:35,933
you go to your mother as long as she's a cool with that

768
00:26:35,933 --> 00:26:37,616
I'm cool with that too whatever you wanna do kid

769
00:26:37,616 --> 00:26:39,216
that was something that was a little difficult for me

770
00:26:39,216 --> 00:26:40,700
and for most men you know

771
00:26:40,700 --> 00:26:41,966
going through that process is

772
00:26:41,966 --> 00:26:44,633
you don't wanna use the kids against each other

773
00:26:45,333 --> 00:26:46,600
I think that's a good

774
00:26:47,016 --> 00:26:49,966
I try to talk about the last topic that I

775
00:26:49,966 --> 00:26:51,416
that I really want to cover and

776
00:26:51,416 --> 00:26:53,866
and that is the brotherhood

777
00:26:54,450 --> 00:26:55,266
um

778
00:26:55,850 --> 00:26:57,800
you know data shows that 40%

779
00:26:58,100 --> 00:27:00,866
of young men don't feel like they have

780
00:27:01,300 --> 00:27:03,700
anyone to turn to for help and

781
00:27:03,700 --> 00:27:07,533
and I think that the institutions that we

782
00:27:07,533 --> 00:27:12,650
men used to rely on in order to get

783
00:27:12,650 --> 00:27:15,550
us together and get us talking about difficult subjects

784
00:27:16,100 --> 00:27:19,450
those are gone and that is an opportunity

785
00:27:19,450 --> 00:27:20,250
and it and

786
00:27:20,250 --> 00:27:24,066
and it's and it's a problem in the sense that

787
00:27:24,133 --> 00:27:25,733
the problem is that the institutions are gone

788
00:27:25,733 --> 00:27:27,850
so if we don't intentionally make it happen

789
00:27:27,850 --> 00:27:30,216
it won't but the opportunity is

790
00:27:30,216 --> 00:27:32,016
we now have a way of making it happen

791
00:27:32,016 --> 00:27:34,133
that we can customize to ourselves

792
00:27:34,133 --> 00:27:37,850
but you've created a society of men

793
00:27:37,850 --> 00:27:41,016
a brotherhood that proportion that

794
00:27:41,016 --> 00:27:44,266
that that tries to address this tell me about that

795
00:27:44,666 --> 00:27:46,216
yeah overall with men

796
00:27:46,216 --> 00:27:48,650
to your point about guys feeling kind of isolated

797
00:27:48,650 --> 00:27:51,133
and no one to turn to that is not just kiddos

798
00:27:51,133 --> 00:27:52,766
it's adult men dare I say

799
00:27:52,766 --> 00:27:54,566
probably more so with adult men

800
00:27:54,566 --> 00:27:56,716
especially after children come into the picture

801
00:27:56,733 --> 00:27:59,016
and that gets more in focus

802
00:27:59,016 --> 00:28:00,550
after something like divorce

803
00:28:00,850 --> 00:28:01,900
so we have a guy

804
00:28:01,900 --> 00:28:03,650
who goes through the horribleness of divorce

805
00:28:03,650 --> 00:28:04,700
and he's like well world

806
00:28:04,700 --> 00:28:06,150
here I am Mister Vulnerable

807
00:28:06,216 --> 00:28:08,450
hurt by divorce and he just hears crickets

808
00:28:08,450 --> 00:28:09,600
he doesn't hear a lot

809
00:28:09,650 --> 00:28:12,216
he doesn't get a lot of the same kind of over the top

810
00:28:12,216 --> 00:28:14,516
fan fair help that maybe his ex wife gets

811
00:28:14,666 --> 00:28:15,333
it could be argued

812
00:28:15,333 --> 00:28:17,533
she did a much better job of cultivating a network

813
00:28:17,533 --> 00:28:18,816
while you guys were a couple together

814
00:28:18,816 --> 00:28:19,966
while you were more isolated

815
00:28:19,966 --> 00:28:21,233
that's very very typical

816
00:28:21,366 --> 00:28:23,333
it could be argued it is kind of a sexist thing

817
00:28:23,333 --> 00:28:24,766
the damsel in distress syndrome

818
00:28:24,766 --> 00:28:26,100
people tend to come to

819
00:28:26,100 --> 00:28:28,316
the rescue of a woman in need versus a man

820
00:28:28,616 --> 00:28:30,333
but it behooves us as men

821
00:28:30,333 --> 00:28:32,066
to be very purposeful

822
00:28:32,533 --> 00:28:35,116
and creating that community for ourselves

823
00:28:35,966 --> 00:28:37,216
most men are very passive

824
00:28:37,216 --> 00:28:39,233
when it comes to cultivating that

825
00:28:39,650 --> 00:28:42,516
you know from a wider 30,000 point of view

826
00:28:42,566 --> 00:28:43,750
we have uh

827
00:28:44,366 --> 00:28:47,900
this concept of it takes a village to raise a child

828
00:28:47,900 --> 00:28:49,533
whatever it may be in my opinion

829
00:28:49,533 --> 00:28:52,433
that's very true and for some reason we've

830
00:28:52,533 --> 00:28:55,133
over the past several generations have moved towards no

831
00:28:55,133 --> 00:28:57,250
we don't need the extended family and friend network

832
00:28:57,250 --> 00:28:59,450
and everything it's just fine with just wife and I

833
00:28:59,450 --> 00:29:01,100
so it's not uncommon for guys to say

834
00:29:01,100 --> 00:29:03,750
we moved across country for some job opportunity

835
00:29:03,900 --> 00:29:05,250
away from all my family and friends

836
00:29:05,250 --> 00:29:06,733
that I've known for years and

837
00:29:06,733 --> 00:29:09,166
oh crap now we're divorced and I have nobody to help

838
00:29:09,166 --> 00:29:10,733
it's just me all by my lonesome

839
00:29:10,733 --> 00:29:11,416
it's like yeah dude

840
00:29:11,416 --> 00:29:12,633
it's not supposed to be that way

841
00:29:12,650 --> 00:29:14,166
it's supposed to be a whole community around you

842
00:29:14,166 --> 00:29:16,133
of grandpa's grandma's aunts uncles

843
00:29:16,133 --> 00:29:17,566
cousins friends of friends

844
00:29:17,566 --> 00:29:19,100
and everything else that help each other

845
00:29:19,100 --> 00:29:20,816
we've gotten away from that now

846
00:29:20,816 --> 00:29:22,416
more specifically down to the men

847
00:29:22,416 --> 00:29:23,216
we've really gotten

848
00:29:23,216 --> 00:29:25,433
away from any kind of fraternal organization

849
00:29:25,566 --> 00:29:27,550
all centered around some kind of cause

850
00:29:28,050 --> 00:29:31,416
uh so what I will hear often from men is when I ask

851
00:29:31,416 --> 00:29:33,650
do you have like men in your life you could turn to

852
00:29:33,650 --> 00:29:34,566
they say well

853
00:29:34,566 --> 00:29:35,950
I have this guy named Joe

854
00:29:36,016 --> 00:29:37,733
I hang out every now and then with him

855
00:29:37,733 --> 00:29:40,416
we watch football and then there's this other guy

856
00:29:40,416 --> 00:29:41,550
who is the husband

857
00:29:41,616 --> 00:29:44,100
of the woman that my wife works with

858
00:29:44,100 --> 00:29:46,033
and I kind of I'm we're kind of buddies

859
00:29:46,166 --> 00:29:47,416
we text you know

860
00:29:47,416 --> 00:29:49,266
funny things back and forth every now and then

861
00:29:49,450 --> 00:29:50,916
and that's about it

862
00:29:51,450 --> 00:29:53,116
that's his social network

863
00:29:53,300 --> 00:29:55,766
and he does so when things really hit the fan

864
00:29:55,766 --> 00:29:58,633
so to speak and things are going bad

865
00:29:58,733 --> 00:30:02,366
he basically has wife to lean on and when she's gone

866
00:30:02,366 --> 00:30:05,450
he has nobody to lean on so we recognize this

867
00:30:05,450 --> 00:30:06,916
it was something I experienced myself

868
00:30:07,616 --> 00:30:08,850
so I created the Brotherhood

869
00:30:08,850 --> 00:30:11,133
you guys can learn more at help for men dot com

870
00:30:11,133 --> 00:30:12,666
you can go right to the join page

871
00:30:12,700 --> 00:30:15,550
at help for men.comslashjoin

872
00:30:15,650 --> 00:30:16,916
and it's

873
00:30:17,216 --> 00:30:19,516
hundreds and hundreds of guys from around the world

874
00:30:19,700 --> 00:30:21,966
all getting together in private forums

875
00:30:21,966 --> 00:30:23,650
nobody else can see what you're talking about

876
00:30:23,650 --> 00:30:24,650
private zoom meetings

877
00:30:24,650 --> 00:30:26,733
we have a bunch of zoom meetings every single week

878
00:30:26,733 --> 00:30:28,533
and then we record all the zoom meetings

879
00:30:28,533 --> 00:30:29,533
so if you want to listen back to them

880
00:30:29,533 --> 00:30:30,700
like a podcast format

881
00:30:30,700 --> 00:30:33,766
we have like over 14 hours of podcast

882
00:30:33,766 --> 00:30:35,333
or of audio from our meetings

883
00:30:35,333 --> 00:30:37,450
as well as all my books courses

884
00:30:37,450 --> 00:30:38,766
one on one coaching with myself

885
00:30:38,766 --> 00:30:40,066
other guys on the team

886
00:30:40,133 --> 00:30:42,333
we get together in person at a conference in the US

887
00:30:42,333 --> 00:30:43,716
as well as Australia

888
00:30:44,166 --> 00:30:46,100
and it's a bunch of guys that all get together for the

889
00:30:46,100 --> 00:30:48,800
purpose of talking about this really difficult stuff

890
00:30:48,866 --> 00:30:51,066
that they don't talk about with their buddy Joe

891
00:30:51,216 --> 00:30:52,900
and they certainly don't talk about it with their ex

892
00:30:52,900 --> 00:30:56,466
wife or anybody else stuff like the sexless marriage

893
00:30:56,533 --> 00:30:57,966
or if you're a divorced guy

894
00:30:57,966 --> 00:30:59,750
um I can't seem to get a date

895
00:31:00,250 --> 00:31:02,366
uh I can't seem to get past the first date or two

896
00:31:02,366 --> 00:31:03,766
with a woman or

897
00:31:03,766 --> 00:31:05,216
I'm having a really difficult time

898
00:31:05,216 --> 00:31:06,500
finding my purpose in life

899
00:31:06,500 --> 00:31:08,000
and what the heck I am and

900
00:31:08,050 --> 00:31:11,166
or after a divorce I'm really struggling financially

901
00:31:11,166 --> 00:31:13,733
and whatever it may be all these the gamut

902
00:31:13,733 --> 00:31:14,933
we have probably

903
00:31:14,933 --> 00:31:16,300
the majority of the guys in our group

904
00:31:16,300 --> 00:31:17,550
are actually still married

905
00:31:17,616 --> 00:31:19,550
and they hope to remain that way

906
00:31:19,616 --> 00:31:21,416
but it's tough it's really tough

907
00:31:21,416 --> 00:31:22,700
they're maybe with the wrong gal

908
00:31:22,700 --> 00:31:25,400
they don't have the skills necessary to keep it going

909
00:31:25,650 --> 00:31:27,050
and then we have the guys that are divorced

910
00:31:27,050 --> 00:31:30,000
guys that have never been in a long term relationship

911
00:31:30,166 --> 00:31:33,450
and we have a very very good community

912
00:31:33,450 --> 00:31:36,100
very close knit and a lot of resources there

913
00:31:36,100 --> 00:31:37,950
under the umbrella of the Brotherhood

914
00:31:38,016 --> 00:31:39,816
and it's probably the most

915
00:31:39,816 --> 00:31:40,533
not probably

916
00:31:40,533 --> 00:31:42,733
it is the most rewarding thing I've done so far

917
00:31:42,733 --> 00:31:43,733
is to be a part of that group

918
00:31:43,733 --> 00:31:45,616
and to start that group and be a part of a day to day

919
00:31:45,616 --> 00:31:51,150
it's awesome I can imagine I uh what do you think the

920
00:31:51,416 --> 00:31:55,850
what brings most men to that group and what do they get

921
00:31:55,850 --> 00:31:56,650
out of it

922
00:31:57,166 --> 00:31:59,700
still the number one driver to that group is

923
00:31:59,700 --> 00:32:02,016
the dead bedroom fix book yeah

924
00:32:02,016 --> 00:32:04,566
so it's the last survey I did

925
00:32:04,566 --> 00:32:05,733
something like 70

926
00:32:05,733 --> 00:32:07,333
some percent of the membership

927
00:32:07,333 --> 00:32:09,316
came as a result of that one book

928
00:32:09,566 --> 00:32:10,950
now here's the thing though

929
00:32:11,016 --> 00:32:12,966
when we look at the guys that are in the dead bedroom

930
00:32:12,966 --> 00:32:13,733
situations

931
00:32:13,733 --> 00:32:15,650
and then the guys that have gone through the divorce

932
00:32:15,650 --> 00:32:16,933
middle of divorce whatever

933
00:32:16,933 --> 00:32:18,833
they're on that relationship spectrum

934
00:32:19,316 --> 00:32:20,833
a lot of stuff in common

935
00:32:21,300 --> 00:32:23,733
namely that anxious temperament that I talked about

936
00:32:23,733 --> 00:32:25,166
the anxious form of attachment

937
00:32:25,166 --> 00:32:26,550
attaching to the wrong women

938
00:32:26,650 --> 00:32:28,266
a history of wrong women

939
00:32:28,933 --> 00:32:33,050
we used to consider maybe I need to focus my

940
00:32:33,050 --> 00:32:34,816
my efforts just on the dead bedroom

941
00:32:34,816 --> 00:32:35,933
sex and marriage thing like

942
00:32:35,933 --> 00:32:37,016
scrap all the other stuff

943
00:32:37,016 --> 00:32:38,966
and just hone in on this Silo right here

944
00:32:38,966 --> 00:32:39,100
cause

945
00:32:39,100 --> 00:32:41,066
that seems to be where a lot of people are coming in

946
00:32:41,100 --> 00:32:43,450
well but a lot of those guys end up being divorced guys

947
00:32:43,450 --> 00:32:44,400
end up being

948
00:32:44,566 --> 00:32:47,333
you guys struggling with relationships in general

949
00:32:47,333 --> 00:32:49,700
guys struggling with with parenting

950
00:32:49,700 --> 00:32:51,766
and they all mix together

951
00:32:51,766 --> 00:32:52,500
how they got in

952
00:32:52,500 --> 00:32:54,266
really doesn't seem to matter all that much

953
00:32:54,766 --> 00:32:59,366
yeah I do you do you find that

954
00:32:59,366 --> 00:33:00,700
I mean it's gotta be the case

955
00:33:00,700 --> 00:33:01,966
is there any data about this

956
00:33:01,966 --> 00:33:03,216
that it's gotta be the case

957
00:33:03,216 --> 00:33:06,300
that men who are in this brotherhood

958
00:33:06,300 --> 00:33:09,666
or have this kind of social grouping

959
00:33:10,766 --> 00:33:12,316
have to be more successful

960
00:33:12,333 --> 00:33:14,466
at navigating these challenges

961
00:33:14,733 --> 00:33:16,650
is there data that that

962
00:33:16,650 --> 00:33:18,716
that you have access to that uh

963
00:33:19,166 --> 00:33:20,600
that shows that people in general

964
00:33:22,216 --> 00:33:23,366
men or women it's just

965
00:33:23,366 --> 00:33:25,550
the fact that women tend to do a better job of it

966
00:33:25,850 --> 00:33:27,616
need to form a social group

967
00:33:27,616 --> 00:33:29,166
and community around themselves

968
00:33:29,166 --> 00:33:30,616
in order to have good mental health

969
00:33:30,616 --> 00:33:32,166
we're herd animal if you

970
00:33:32,166 --> 00:33:33,733
you could you could have

971
00:33:33,733 --> 00:33:35,133
thank you you could have a guy that's got

972
00:33:35,133 --> 00:33:38,566
I got my sleep honed in I got my fitness honed in

973
00:33:38,566 --> 00:33:41,350
my job I'm making high six figures and everything else

974
00:33:41,450 --> 00:33:44,333
but he doesn't ever talk to anybody or interact

975
00:33:44,333 --> 00:33:45,616
or have any really good friends

976
00:33:45,616 --> 00:33:48,333
or anyone to vent about things

977
00:33:48,333 --> 00:33:50,133
he's not gonna be a healthy individual

978
00:33:50,133 --> 00:33:51,416
he's gonna suffer as a result

979
00:33:51,416 --> 00:33:53,050
and it's not uncommon for those guys

980
00:33:53,050 --> 00:33:54,216
who seem to have everything going

981
00:33:54,216 --> 00:33:55,950
for them to be depressed

982
00:33:56,016 --> 00:33:58,966
and often the missing component is other people

983
00:33:58,966 --> 00:34:00,966
as sad as that is yeah

984
00:34:00,966 --> 00:34:01,733
I I mean

985
00:34:01,733 --> 00:34:03,150
I've told this story before

986
00:34:03,500 --> 00:34:06,866
but I I have a close friend who

987
00:34:08,133 --> 00:34:09,366
we were talking and he goes

988
00:34:09,366 --> 00:34:11,050
oh yeah I need to tell you about something

989
00:34:11,050 --> 00:34:12,100
and I said I

990
00:34:12,100 --> 00:34:12,966
I said oh

991
00:34:12,966 --> 00:34:14,766
just as long as you're not telling me

992
00:34:14,766 --> 00:34:15,966
you and your wife are getting divorced

993
00:34:15,966 --> 00:34:18,150
we're in good shape and he was just quiet

994
00:34:18,700 --> 00:34:22,333
and this oh has been one of my closest friends

995
00:34:22,333 --> 00:34:24,750
since we were in eighth grade together

996
00:34:25,333 --> 00:34:29,733
and I mean I had the predictable reaction

997
00:34:29,733 --> 00:34:30,333
oh we gotta work

998
00:34:30,333 --> 00:34:31,933
this out and there's no way and we can't

999
00:34:31,933 --> 00:34:32,416
you know blah blah

1000
00:34:32,416 --> 00:34:33,250
blah and all this stuff and then

1001
00:34:33,250 --> 00:34:34,333
he started telling me about

1002
00:34:34,333 --> 00:34:35,416
what his life has been like

1003
00:34:35,416 --> 00:34:42,750
in the last 10 years and I was shocked because

1004
00:34:43,650 --> 00:34:45,550
like I'm one of his best friends

1005
00:34:46,050 --> 00:34:47,833
and I didn't know any of this stuff

1006
00:34:48,766 --> 00:34:53,300
and then I realized that I have my own challenges

1007
00:34:53,300 --> 00:34:54,616
I have my own challenges

1008
00:34:54,616 --> 00:34:57,550
that I haven't necessarily shared with him

1009
00:34:58,533 --> 00:35:01,000
and what kind of friend have I been to him

1010
00:35:01,100 --> 00:35:04,666
where I'm not I'm not sharing with him the deepest

1011
00:35:04,766 --> 00:35:07,033
most difficult things I'm dealing with

1012
00:35:07,333 --> 00:35:09,000
and he's not sharing with me

1013
00:35:09,700 --> 00:35:12,033
and we're supposed to be best friends

1014
00:35:12,766 --> 00:35:13,750
that's

1015
00:35:14,816 --> 00:35:17,333
that's sick my wife has probably

1016
00:35:17,333 --> 00:35:18,816
eight people that she shares

1017
00:35:18,816 --> 00:35:20,200
every detail of her life with

1018
00:35:21,100 --> 00:35:23,950
and she has this rich social fabric

1019
00:35:24,050 --> 00:35:27,916
and I realized that I didn't have that at all

1020
00:35:28,416 --> 00:35:29,900
and by the way I'm

1021
00:35:29,900 --> 00:35:31,016
you know pretty successful

1022
00:35:31,016 --> 00:35:32,716
reasonably happy great guy

1023
00:35:33,333 --> 00:35:35,200
I I have a wonderful life

1024
00:35:35,250 --> 00:35:36,616
but boy

1025
00:35:36,616 --> 00:35:38,116
I haven't cultivated that

1026
00:35:39,016 --> 00:35:40,816
and and it really

1027
00:35:40,816 --> 00:35:41,766
really shocked me

1028
00:35:41,766 --> 00:35:44,566
this situation with my friend really shocked me

1029
00:35:44,566 --> 00:35:45,700
and we ended up bonding over

1030
00:35:45,700 --> 00:35:46,733
I mean I kind of I

1031
00:35:46,733 --> 00:35:48,950
I tried to help him navigate his

1032
00:35:49,366 --> 00:35:52,266
his divorce situation which ended up

1033
00:35:52,300 --> 00:35:53,850
you know like you described

1034
00:35:53,850 --> 00:35:57,533
ended up being a net benefit for everybody involved

1035
00:35:57,533 --> 00:35:59,733
because it it

1036
00:35:59,733 --> 00:36:01,500
you know they were able to

1037
00:36:01,500 --> 00:36:04,133
to forge a partnership that

1038
00:36:04,133 --> 00:36:05,550
that worked out really well

1039
00:36:05,816 --> 00:36:08,533
but that's awesome yeah

1040
00:36:08,533 --> 00:36:11,000
vulnerability is a tough thing for dudes

1041
00:36:11,533 --> 00:36:12,733
meaning roll over

1042
00:36:12,733 --> 00:36:14,900
expose your belly and say this is who I am

1043
00:36:14,900 --> 00:36:16,250
this is what's going on with me

1044
00:36:16,250 --> 00:36:17,450
because a lot of us have been taught

1045
00:36:17,450 --> 00:36:18,100
let's be honest

1046
00:36:18,100 --> 00:36:21,100
that some of us had got bit of timer too

1047
00:36:21,100 --> 00:36:23,533
when we did that we were made fun of

1048
00:36:23,533 --> 00:36:25,700
or the girl didn't want to talk to us anymore

1049
00:36:25,700 --> 00:36:26,333
or something like that

1050
00:36:26,333 --> 00:36:28,733
and it doesn't take much for us guys to internalize

1051
00:36:28,733 --> 00:36:29,450
and go okay

1052
00:36:29,450 --> 00:36:30,516
message received

1053
00:36:30,533 --> 00:36:32,100
you kind of keep that stuff to yourself

1054
00:36:32,100 --> 00:36:33,316
or else you get punished

1055
00:36:33,650 --> 00:36:35,650
what what we've Learned is even with your

1056
00:36:35,650 --> 00:36:36,816
your best friend you're like

1057
00:36:36,816 --> 00:36:37,966
I just keep this to myself

1058
00:36:37,966 --> 00:36:40,200
I don't need to bother bother Joe with this

1059
00:36:41,166 --> 00:36:43,533
what a lot of men need is some kind of overt

1060
00:36:43,533 --> 00:36:47,066
obvious structure to be in place to say

1061
00:36:47,216 --> 00:36:49,466
this is where you talk about this stuff

1062
00:36:49,500 --> 00:36:51,733
this is where you are safe to do so

1063
00:36:51,733 --> 00:36:52,300
trust me

1064
00:36:52,300 --> 00:36:54,766
we've all been there and done that we've seen it all

1065
00:36:54,766 --> 00:36:57,716
we've heard it all don't feel embarrassed by sharing

1066
00:36:57,900 --> 00:36:59,966
it has to be really over the top obvious like that

1067
00:36:59,966 --> 00:37:01,450
and within behind walls

1068
00:37:01,450 --> 00:37:04,300
so no one else can see what you have going on

1069
00:37:04,300 --> 00:37:05,450
your ex wife won't see it

1070
00:37:05,450 --> 00:37:06,500
your current wife won't see it

1071
00:37:06,500 --> 00:37:08,800
your kids won't see it it's just between us dude

1072
00:37:09,016 --> 00:37:11,500
then they let the guard down and then they're like okay

1073
00:37:11,500 --> 00:37:14,333
and men can be as vulnerable as you can I mean

1074
00:37:14,333 --> 00:37:14,850
tears

1075
00:37:14,850 --> 00:37:17,966
hugs the whole nine yards as long as they feel quote

1076
00:37:17,966 --> 00:37:19,900
safe to do so and that's what our group

1077
00:37:19,900 --> 00:37:21,216
and groups like it are all about

1078
00:37:21,216 --> 00:37:22,616
I love that you know I

1079
00:37:22,616 --> 00:37:24,650
I one of the things that I

1080
00:37:24,650 --> 00:37:26,933
I absolutely love about some of your writing is

1081
00:37:26,933 --> 00:37:29,866
you emphasize ownership over blame

1082
00:37:30,366 --> 00:37:34,666
and I think that this is a

1083
00:37:34,766 --> 00:37:39,266
we need to take ownership of of our community

1084
00:37:39,650 --> 00:37:40,966
and you can sit there

1085
00:37:40,966 --> 00:37:42,300
and you can wallow in your basement

1086
00:37:42,300 --> 00:37:43,616
and play your video games

1087
00:37:43,616 --> 00:37:46,200
and vape or whatever and

1088
00:37:46,216 --> 00:37:51,200
and blame the world for the crappy state of your life

1089
00:37:51,216 --> 00:37:52,950
or you can take ownership of it

1090
00:37:53,416 --> 00:37:54,766
and one really good

1091
00:37:54,766 --> 00:37:57,716
first step of taking ownership of that is

1092
00:37:57,816 --> 00:37:59,350
is to join your group

1093
00:37:59,900 --> 00:38:00,766
appreciate that yeah

1094
00:38:00,766 --> 00:38:04,800
victimhood is very contagious and very addictive

1095
00:38:05,166 --> 00:38:08,233
there are entire communities online of men

1096
00:38:08,250 --> 00:38:11,150
who do nothing but bellyache about those stupid women

1097
00:38:11,216 --> 00:38:12,933
and the world is out to get us

1098
00:38:12,933 --> 00:38:15,116
and don't even bother trying

1099
00:38:15,416 --> 00:38:17,366
it's very nihilistic just I mean

1100
00:38:17,366 --> 00:38:18,766
if you wanna simplify it

1101
00:38:18,766 --> 00:38:21,016
there's a lot it's a loser mentality right

1102
00:38:21,016 --> 00:38:23,500
you're just gonna lose anyway so why bother trying

1103
00:38:23,500 --> 00:38:25,450
and boy you watch those groups

1104
00:38:25,450 --> 00:38:27,100
if one of them tries to escape the group

1105
00:38:27,100 --> 00:38:28,766
and the crab trying to crawl out of the bucket boy

1106
00:38:28,766 --> 00:38:31,500
they pull him right down so you'll see it online

1107
00:38:31,500 --> 00:38:34,533
there's a lot of communities of men are you familiar

1108
00:38:34,533 --> 00:38:36,566
with guys that call themselves incels

1109
00:38:36,566 --> 00:38:37,750
are you familiar with this term

1110
00:38:37,850 --> 00:38:39,166
the involuntary celibate guys

1111
00:38:39,166 --> 00:38:40,766
get those guys all in a room talking together

1112
00:38:40,766 --> 00:38:43,533
oh boy and if one of them happens to meet a girl

1113
00:38:43,533 --> 00:38:44,933
that he likes oh

1114
00:38:44,933 --> 00:38:46,700
they'll all let him know that she's a worthless

1115
00:38:46,700 --> 00:38:48,616
you know what don't even bother it's terrible

1116
00:38:48,616 --> 00:38:49,216
you're gonna lose

1117
00:38:49,216 --> 00:38:50,866
she's gonna cheat on you and leave you

1118
00:38:51,050 --> 00:38:52,100
crabs in a bucket man

1119
00:38:52,100 --> 00:38:53,933
and that stuff is very infectious

1120
00:38:53,933 --> 00:38:56,700
and it's tough to escape from yeah

1121
00:38:56,700 --> 00:38:58,316
and and by the way

1122
00:38:59,500 --> 00:39:02,766
if you feel the pull towards that look around you

1123
00:39:02,766 --> 00:39:04,550
which one of these guys do you wanna be

1124
00:39:05,450 --> 00:39:07,966
right you I mean that's you surrounded yourself

1125
00:39:07,966 --> 00:39:10,016
that's who you're gonna become if you're not already

1126
00:39:10,016 --> 00:39:11,533
yeah that's that's it's

1127
00:39:11,533 --> 00:39:14,566
it's scary and it's sad and I

1128
00:39:14,566 --> 00:39:16,566
but it's the only community these

1129
00:39:16,566 --> 00:39:17,866
some of these guys have

1130
00:39:18,766 --> 00:39:20,950
and I feel like yeah and and

1131
00:39:22,650 --> 00:39:23,900
what what's part of what

1132
00:39:23,900 --> 00:39:27,000
what is partially attractive about that group is that

1133
00:39:27,966 --> 00:39:29,933
these men hate to hear the terms like

1134
00:39:29,933 --> 00:39:31,500
ultimate responsibility and all things

1135
00:39:31,500 --> 00:39:34,066
because what they what they infer from that is

1136
00:39:34,133 --> 00:39:35,700
so this person across from me

1137
00:39:35,700 --> 00:39:37,516
like this toxic woman that I'm with

1138
00:39:37,616 --> 00:39:39,366
she's completely at zero fault

1139
00:39:39,366 --> 00:39:40,700
it's all me is that what you're trying to say

1140
00:39:40,700 --> 00:39:41,700
it's always the men's fault

1141
00:39:41,700 --> 00:39:44,033
the men just get really angry about this like no dude

1142
00:39:44,450 --> 00:39:45,933
regardless of what she does

1143
00:39:45,933 --> 00:39:48,166
you still have ultimate decision over are you

1144
00:39:48,166 --> 00:39:49,516
staying in the relationship

1145
00:39:49,700 --> 00:39:50,966
what are you putting up with

1146
00:39:50,966 --> 00:39:52,166
what are your boundaries

1147
00:39:52,166 --> 00:39:55,166
what will you with your identity and all these things

1148
00:39:55,166 --> 00:39:56,400
that's all on you man

1149
00:39:56,733 --> 00:39:58,533
no one said you have to stick around with that woman

1150
00:39:58,533 --> 00:39:59,900
she's gonna do what she's going to do

1151
00:39:59,900 --> 00:40:01,250
or that guy's gonna mistreat you

1152
00:40:01,250 --> 00:40:02,400
whatever it may be

1153
00:40:02,566 --> 00:40:04,966
you don't have to remain in this in this victim mode

1154
00:40:04,966 --> 00:40:08,100
you have ultimate responsibility over your life

1155
00:40:08,100 --> 00:40:10,400
you get to make all the decisions not her

1156
00:40:10,733 --> 00:40:12,166
and but that's a little scary

1157
00:40:12,166 --> 00:40:12,366
isn't it

1158
00:40:12,366 --> 00:40:14,416
it's much easier to point across the aisle and say no

1159
00:40:14,416 --> 00:40:15,400
it's all them

1160
00:40:15,616 --> 00:40:18,250
that's the excuse my language the chicken shit way out

1161
00:40:18,250 --> 00:40:22,166
yeah and and it's it's not masculine right

1162
00:40:22,166 --> 00:40:25,800
there's nothing less masculine than a voluntary victim

1163
00:40:26,933 --> 00:40:27,733
right

1164
00:40:28,500 --> 00:40:28,933
yeah the

1165
00:40:28,933 --> 00:40:29,816
the the whole

1166
00:40:29,816 --> 00:40:32,733
but the whole masculinity thing is up for grabs

1167
00:40:32,733 --> 00:40:34,566
I guess now the in question now

1168
00:40:34,566 --> 00:40:36,450
I've been on shows where it's been asked Ralph

1169
00:40:36,450 --> 00:40:37,416
what does it mean to be a man

1170
00:40:37,416 --> 00:40:38,666
I go that's a good question

1171
00:40:39,000 --> 00:40:41,700
it's it depends on who you ask and when you ask it

1172
00:40:41,700 --> 00:40:43,250
and where in the world you're asking it

1173
00:40:43,250 --> 00:40:45,250
there seem to be some tenants that are constant

1174
00:40:45,250 --> 00:40:47,050
or consistent across cultures

1175
00:40:47,050 --> 00:40:50,533
and across geography but that's a big question now

1176
00:40:50,533 --> 00:40:52,033
and a lot of people are saying

1177
00:40:52,250 --> 00:40:53,433
does it even matter

1178
00:40:53,450 --> 00:40:54,933
what's masculine and what's feminine

1179
00:40:54,933 --> 00:40:56,250
can't we just all live our lives

1180
00:40:56,250 --> 00:40:57,733
I say well you can try to

1181
00:40:57,733 --> 00:40:59,366
be as egalitarian as you want

1182
00:40:59,366 --> 00:41:01,600
but there's certain structures and

1183
00:41:01,816 --> 00:41:02,933
underlying behaviors

1184
00:41:02,933 --> 00:41:04,416
that always seem to seep to the surface

1185
00:41:04,416 --> 00:41:05,850
in men and women again

1186
00:41:05,850 --> 00:41:07,950
cross culturally wherever you're at in the world

1187
00:41:08,016 --> 00:41:11,416
so there's some very very good things about quote

1188
00:41:11,416 --> 00:41:13,450
masculinity that we don't want to

1189
00:41:13,450 --> 00:41:15,133
you know throw the baby out with the bath water

1190
00:41:15,133 --> 00:41:16,816
there are some toxic things for sure

1191
00:41:16,816 --> 00:41:18,300
just as there are with the opposite sex

1192
00:41:18,300 --> 00:41:20,500
but there's some real positives

1193
00:41:20,500 --> 00:41:22,566
and we seem to be losing a lot of that unfortunately

1194
00:41:22,566 --> 00:41:24,033
and I'm hoping

1195
00:41:24,333 --> 00:41:27,433
I'm hoping through conversations like this we can

1196
00:41:27,966 --> 00:41:29,916
uh we can claim it back

1197
00:41:31,850 --> 00:41:33,050
very good so I

1198
00:41:33,050 --> 00:41:36,450
I love to finish up these conversations by asking

1199
00:41:36,450 --> 00:41:38,466
more or less the same question of everybody

1200
00:41:38,900 --> 00:41:43,750
and so if you had to distil your philosophy into

1201
00:41:43,850 --> 00:41:46,600
one principle that

1202
00:41:46,700 --> 00:41:50,333
every father should be trying to pass down to his son

1203
00:41:50,333 --> 00:41:52,450
to survive today's cultural landscape

1204
00:41:52,450 --> 00:41:53,833
what would that principle be

1205
00:41:55,766 --> 00:41:57,316
it's okay to get help

1206
00:41:58,300 --> 00:41:59,333
I don't know how many

1207
00:41:59,333 --> 00:42:02,500
really great men with a lot of really great potential

1208
00:42:02,500 --> 00:42:04,566
limit themselves a great deal

1209
00:42:04,566 --> 00:42:06,633
by not just raising their hand going

1210
00:42:06,700 --> 00:42:08,116
can somebody help me out with this

1211
00:42:08,450 --> 00:42:09,716
because they're too proud

1212
00:42:09,766 --> 00:42:11,200
they have too much of an ego

1213
00:42:11,450 --> 00:42:13,133
or they don't want to come across as weak

1214
00:42:13,133 --> 00:42:15,833
and they don't want other people to think less of them

1215
00:42:16,250 --> 00:42:19,366
every single great man that I've ever known

1216
00:42:19,366 --> 00:42:20,816
great is a subjective term

1217
00:42:20,816 --> 00:42:22,233
the guys that I look up to

1218
00:42:22,533 --> 00:42:24,700
they've all recognized the value of help

1219
00:42:24,700 --> 00:42:26,100
in form of networking groups

1220
00:42:26,100 --> 00:42:27,416
and getting together with their peers

1221
00:42:27,416 --> 00:42:28,766
and doing the power lunches

1222
00:42:28,766 --> 00:42:31,300
and getting together with their business groups

1223
00:42:31,300 --> 00:42:32,733
whatever it may be networking groups

1224
00:42:32,733 --> 00:42:34,566
I've been an entrepreneur for years

1225
00:42:34,566 --> 00:42:36,516
and my eyes were opened years ago to

1226
00:42:36,650 --> 00:42:38,533
I didn't realize there were these business groups

1227
00:42:38,533 --> 00:42:39,450
with all these important men

1228
00:42:39,450 --> 00:42:41,233
just sitting around you know

1229
00:42:41,250 --> 00:42:42,250
they're not just shooting the bull

1230
00:42:42,250 --> 00:42:43,566
they're actually helping each other out

1231
00:42:43,566 --> 00:42:45,816
and I know a guy you need to talk to and don't do that

1232
00:42:45,816 --> 00:42:46,300
if I were you

1233
00:42:46,300 --> 00:42:49,500
I would do this it kind of opens your mind oh wow

1234
00:42:49,500 --> 00:42:52,166
all these guys are getting help they all say hey guys

1235
00:42:52,166 --> 00:42:53,266
help me out with this

1236
00:42:53,533 --> 00:42:54,766
that doesn't necessarily need to be

1237
00:42:54,766 --> 00:42:56,016
just in the business world

1238
00:42:56,016 --> 00:42:57,250
it most definitely needs to be

1239
00:42:57,250 --> 00:42:59,233
when it comes to what's going on up here in your head

1240
00:42:59,300 --> 00:43:01,566
and your your mental and emotional well being

1241
00:43:01,566 --> 00:43:03,466
it's okay to say I need some help here

1242
00:43:03,750 --> 00:43:07,100
and if if more and more men truly embody that

1243
00:43:07,100 --> 00:43:08,950
and felt safe to do so

1244
00:43:09,050 --> 00:43:11,616
we would cure a lot of problems out there yeah

1245
00:43:11,616 --> 00:43:14,300
I I would even add to that and it's more than just OK

1246
00:43:14,300 --> 00:43:16,733
it's it's a virtue

1247
00:43:16,733 --> 00:43:19,966
it's a absolute positive virtue and in fact

1248
00:43:19,966 --> 00:43:21,316
I mean think about it this way

1249
00:43:22,416 --> 00:43:24,866
if another man came up to you and asked for help

1250
00:43:26,416 --> 00:43:27,516
wouldn't you be thrilled

1251
00:43:28,100 --> 00:43:31,033
isn't that you would feel honored by that

1252
00:43:32,166 --> 00:43:34,966
and he looks up to you why so

1253
00:43:34,966 --> 00:43:36,716
why aren't you honoring other men

1254
00:43:37,966 --> 00:43:41,783
by giving them the opportunity to help you

1255
00:43:42,100 --> 00:43:43,666
very well put I love it

1256
00:43:44,216 --> 00:43:47,266
Ralph it has been an absolute pleasure

1257
00:43:47,650 --> 00:43:48,533
uh speaking with you

1258
00:43:48,533 --> 00:43:50,050
thank you so much for taking the time

1259
00:43:50,050 --> 00:43:52,833
to dive deeper into Ralph's work

1260
00:43:53,166 --> 00:43:56,500
and find his brotherhood the list of his books

1261
00:43:56,500 --> 00:44:00,166
all of those things the links are all in the show notes

1262
00:44:00,166 --> 00:44:02,233
so definitely check them out

1263
00:44:03,100 --> 00:44:04,500
Ralph it's been an absolute pleasure

1264
00:44:04,500 --> 00:44:07,100
thanks again for being on on uh

1265
00:44:07,100 --> 00:44:11,150
on Raising Men and remember that you are a great parent

1266
00:44:20,166 --> 00:44:23,600
raising men is produced by Phil Hernandez

1267
00:44:23,850 --> 00:44:27,000
this episode was edited by Ralph Tolentino