this is parenting for the everyday a
podcast dedicated to meeting parents in
the trenches of Parenthood we explore
how our faith fits into our parenting
with the help of our guests we are
seeking practical tips on how the gospel
can speak into our day-to-day parenting
from the easy stuff to the hard stuff we
want to talk about it all this is
parenting for the every day I'm Becca
Alvarez and I'm holiday krew and today
we have in our studio Christina helera
uh to talk about just such an important
topic as we enter a season that is busy
and getting busier it's so easy to get
wrapped up in stressed and anxiety and
um just something that we really wanted
to check in was a mental health episode
to talk through how can we recognize it
in our kids how can we recognize it in
ourselves and how can we really create a
sense of resilience in the family unit
um so let's go ahead and kick it off
dive in yeah and dive in you probably
recognize Christina we've had her on
before we're so thankful that you keep
coming back and we haven't scared you
away um but Christina will you just real
quick um for those of us who don't know
you will you just do a little intro of
who you are what you do and why this
kind of matters to you a little bit
mental health in general yeah yeah for
sure um I'm Christina howarda I um am a
uh lisw which is a licens independent
social worker um I am a clinical
counselor So currently in practice I um
counsel children here at CCC uh children
adolescence and young adults um I am
also a wife and a mother my husband Mike
howarda is a pastor here uh three kids
brayden's eight K is three and baa is
one can't believe it um yeah great we're
we're just we're so excited to have you
on here and I was saying before we
started uh rolling I think we sit we
talk about leav really big mental health
issues like let's talk about anxiety
let's talk about depression and those
are all conversations we want to have
but there's also a conversation to have
of just like what is just normal healthy
mental health what does that look like
how do we keep a pulse on that in our
kids how do we encourage that are there
things we're doing that could hinder
that um so maybe let's just start with
like the basic what role does mental
health even play in a child overw well
over overall well-being yeah yeah yeah
so I think like a basic definition of
mental is a state of mental well-being
um that the World Health Organization
says enables us to cope with the
stressors of Life realize our abilities
learn well and work well and contribute
to our society so it has a large scope
but also I think mental health is not
only about feeling good or about feeling
happy or relaxed or at ease all the time
um mental health is about having
feelings that make sense in their
context and then handling those feelings
well so for good right there that's good
that's good already so for example if
your kid's best friend moves away and
they feel deeply upset about that that's
actually evidence of their mental health
it's appropriate yeah and I think that's
an important definition and distinction
because oftentimes we equate distress
with the mental health concern and I
just don't think that's an accurate
equation like we don't want an
underreaction and we don't want an
overreaction what we want is feelings to
make sense in their context and honestly
this is biblical too right like we see a
wide range of emotions from Jesus we see
um weeping in grief when his son Lazarus
dies we see anger when the temple is
used inappropriately um we see Jesus on
the cross crying out in distress my God
my God why have you forsaken me um and
we know that Jesus's emotional
expression is always done imperfection
like think about that like he never had
an inappropriate emotional response to
something yeah this is why Christina is
often on this podcast because she's
amazing so I think like we see how Jesus
does that and how we are to mimic that
so the first part is having emotions
that match the context and then the next
piece of that is handling those emotions
well so um and I think two for how long
so do your kids do they cry do they go
for a run um thinking back to the
example are they going to talk about how
they're going to miss their friend do
they go to Jesus with their sadness or
are they withdrawing and isolating for
extended periods of time um are they
irritable and mean day after day are
they turning it inward on themselves um
it's that divide that actually alerts us
to whether there's a mental health
concern or an appropriate response to a
really hard life situation so we want
emotions that match the context handling
those emotions well and then a gospel
Godly framework in which to process hard
life things yeah I'm I'm just so glad
we're talking about this that I think of
like you know I take my kids to the
pediatrician for their well checks like
for their body well checks um but am I
spending enough time talking about these
things or even looking and watching and
saying like okay wait where are are our
emotions in check are you responding
appropriately are we talking about it
and so I'm I'm just excited for yeah and
I love the way that you just described
that because the symptomology that you
just described you can see in all
different ages of kids it doesn't often
when I think of mental health I think of
something that I don't really have to
deal with for a long time because my
kids are three in one uh but the truth
is that they are expressing their
emotions all the time if not in excess
in their in their young age right now so
building
healthy ability to express emotion
now you can kind of build on as they get
older um which I haven't always thought
of that in the same category as mental
health but it really is yeah um so okay
I'm trying to think you said a lot so
I'm trying to think where we should
should we diving next um so I guess
should we start with maybe even like
what are some mental health myths I mean
you already said one right off the bat
that this is like you are sad or you
know that that is a myth in of s that
you're not happy all the time are there
some other myths that we could just
debunk yeah yeah I thought of a few um
and any that you guys also think of I'd
love to hear as well but um I think one
is kind of going along with that that it
all looks the same right which I is just
not true um sometimes it is like the
overreaction or the anger the visible
anxiety but sometimes it's not um and so
to be mindful of that um I think another
one is that hard emotions just need a
boost of positivity um um or that um you
shouldn't talk about the hard stuff
because you just draw attention to it
and that's just not true um I think
another one is that emotionally
struggling is um an indictment on the
strength of your faith or that you
should just like trust God more yeah um
and I think that just you know
oversimplifies it obviously and also is
not what we're seeing in scripture over
and over again so um those are three
kind of bigger ones or more common ones
that I kind of thought of I don't think
that this is necessarily A but I think
that's something that parents can
struggle with often is if if my toddler
is having a hard time I almost
overcompensate with my own emotions to
try to shut down his you know instead of
kind of just giving him space to feel
what he's feeling there's uh I have an
instinct to go it's okay you're okay
you're okay it's fine it's fine we're
going to kind of put that off and make
you feel better so that I can feel
better because your discomfort is making
me uncomfortable you know and um and if
you put that in the context of even that
mental health definition that we just
talked about you want kids to feel
appropriate emotions so if you can enter
into even your toddler's world and see
like oh it's appropriate for you to feel
mad that you have to share this toy you
love with your brother like I get that
doesn't mean that you're now responding
to it appropriately there's something
else we can address but hey it's okay
that you feel mad about that yeah and
that probably I mean it starts as a
toddler but that's got to go all the way
I mean into adulthood we should still be
like kind of recognizing that so what
what are some ways as parents that we
could help Foster some of that open um
communication or even identifying those
those emotions like what what are things
that we could be doing um I don't know
to do it to do it well yeah yeah to like
build communication with your kids
around emotion yes um honestly there's a
lot you can do um I think first it
starts with us as parents right like you
guys are always saying more is caught
than talk we got to stop saying that
because everybody keep bring it back we
can make it a tagline hell yeah yeah um
um but I think if you as a parent aren't
comfortable talking about your own
emotions personally it's going to be
really hard for you to do that well in
parenting so if that's the case for you
I think like dig into that a little bit
like figure out where that comes from or
why that is and maybe even seek your own
help or counsel in that um and then I
would give you three strategies uh first
this might seem obvious but in order to
talk about emotions you have to have a
robust emotion vocabulary um and it's
never too early to start that you know
you can start really young um um with
young kids I think it looks like you
know getting books that talk about
emotions or that have a lot of emotional
expression and so you can pause and look
at the pictures with your kids and point
them out and ask your kids like what do
you think they might be feeling here um
different shows like Daniel Tiger be
love we always make sure it's like part
of our show rotation um but this can
also age with your kids right like
obviously the content will change but
these are still strategies that you can
continue to use as your kids get older
um I also like to observe kids emotions
like to kids like I'll say like oh boy
it looks like you're sad why are you
feeling sad or like back to that other
example like I it is hard to share your
toys and that makes you mad I get that
and then you can go on to like redirect
or handle the situation however you're
going to um with kids in my office I'll
say things like what I think I'm hearing
you say is that this this situation felt
really isolating um or whatever word
fits and sometimes I might be wrong but
just offering that observation invites
them to kind of correct me or or help
them reflect on what they might be
feeling in that moment um and then you
can pull in resources you know like
feelings charts or feelings wheel which
we're all a big fan of um but I think it
also helps with kids who tend to be
internalizers um because it helps them
learn how to actually uh Express those
emotions and you can also do it like
first in their situation so if you're
you have a kid who's an internalizers
you can um anticipate or notice what you
think they might be feeling and say like
hey it makes me really sad that your
friend treated you that way I can
understand if it would make you feel sad
too right so it's like you're modeling
it and you're almost taking that first
step in vulnerability for them so um
that can be really helpful the second I
would say it's important to think about
the environment or reaction you give
when your kids do share their feelings
um vulnerability is hard and so
validation is really really important um
and in almost any context I would say to
start with with validation and then move
on to whatever is next because your kids
need to feel seen and safe in sharing
their emotions um I think sometimes
parents can move past that way too
quickly and jump right to problem
solving um or they're resistant to
validate because either they um feel
like the emotion's too big or honestly
maybe it is maybe the emotion is a
little dramatic um or they don't
understand the emotion um so you're like
how can I validate it if I don't get it
um even well let me like cuz even in my
case it would be sometimes um someone
will share an emotion and I um I could
see like where my kid might have caught
like done something to add to it and so
I'm like if I validate that am I saying
then like you handled the situation
correctly yeah right does that make
sense so it's like yeah but I don't know
so I think for me it's what you're
saying is like are you validating it
does that doesn't necessarily mean that
you're saying hey everything that
happened is great and I'm just saying
like what you feel right now I'm
acknowledging it correct totally
absolutely um and I think in situations
like that like you can use language like
I see that you're feeling really right
so it's like you're just like noticing
the emotion so it's like you're building
this connection with your kids like I
like invalidation to boo boo kisses when
kids are little cuz like if my son
scrapes his knee and runs to me like my
kiss doesn't heal his scrape right but
it's just about feeling seen and cared
for it builds connections with your kids
um and I think when done well validation
can actually diffuse an emotion um
because if I feel like my frustration is
seen I don't have to overstate my
frustration in order for it to be
responded to so it doesn't mean that
you're validating how they're handling
everything but you're just seeing where
your your kid is and you can even
experience this as an adult right like
when you're talking with a friend or
your partner or whatever you know what
it's like when you feel like you're not
actually seen for how it's hitting you
even if it's not healthy or Justified
and how it's hitting you yeah no that's
that's helpful man oh sorry go ahead I
was just going to say this is so good
for so many different reasons but one of
them being a lot of times that I see big
emotions it's when we're in a hurry it's
when we're in a public place it's when
we're already over tired and over
stimulated and so while you're talking
it's just convicting me so much of just
P just take a pause take a
minute decompress with them validate
their emotion um don't always be in such
a rush because when I'm rushing I make
them small you know like let's tuck it
away put it in your pocket and let's
let's go um where that's not that's not
helpful for them it's it's important to
slow down as parents be secure in our
own parenting don't take things as a
reflection of you and just focus focus
on them well sometimes it can actually
be more productive yeah oh yeah it yeah
it would help the emotion so much better
than than trying to extinguish it yeah
and I want to I I want to jump to
problem solve so I want to jump to like
okay we've had a problem how how can we
solve it how can we you know and there's
damage in that and not sitting in like
okay let me just make sure you know in
this house you are seen you know and I
see you and whatever emotion that you've
brought in right yeah so then I would
just give two practical tips one would
be um to pay attention to when your kids
naturally share um and try to
intentionally build that into to your
life so for example I had a mom who said
that she noticed her daughter would
share a lot when they were driving
together and then once she got her
license she noticed that she wasn't
hearing from her daughter as much
anymore so she had to be intentional
about you know if I tell her we can grab
Starbucks on the way to run an erand
together she'd come with me and then
we're talking more so just kind of being
mindful of those things and being
intentional about building that in um
the other thing I would say is to have
it be a part of your family worship time
like notice like when Jesus has emotions
or God has them and in response to what
um or all the ways the Bible shows us
that like the Lord invites us to him in
our emotions um or even the Psalms like
just the fact that like the lord gave us
an entire book of the Bible all about
like deep emotional expression um but
showing us how to do it in a way that
like honors and glorifies the Lord so
you're using the Bible to normalize
emotions and talking about them yeah I
have a question that is going to be off
off topic a little bit not off topic but
off of our our pre- questions um how do
you bring your spouse into it because I
think that as women I'm more comfortable
talking about emotions than my male
spouse and I would assume that there are
a lot of dads out dads out there that
maybe don't feel as comfortable talking
about emotion How would how would you
guys bring your spouses into
it well I think one you could maybe have
a conversation with your spouse like
between the two of you like initially
kind of address it like um between the
two of you and talk about like why
that's important or even like we kind of
talked about initially like if that is
uncomfortable like kind of figure out
why that is and um how to work through
that a little bit um I think another
practical tip that can make it easier is
like if you have it be a part of like
dinner time or whenever you have your
family time together um if you were to
do like a high and a low or if you have
a feelings chart that you have like on
your dinner table or um you go around
and you say like okay what's one H happy
or positive emotion you felt today
what's one hard emotion you felt today
and how did you deal with it so I think
like you know it can be powerful for
kids to hear their dad say like yeah I
had this presentation today and I felt
really anxious about it and so you know
I took a couple minutes I prayed I tried
to take some deep breaths and then I
went reminded myself like the Lord has
like gifted me in this and I walked into
it right and so it's like you can even
ease into how do you talk about emotions
in a way that feels like more empowering
for you that then hopefully you just
keep learning to do it together we've
talked a lot about um just communication
and obviously that being really really
important between your your spouse with
your kids with their siblings um but
what are some other prct iCal I don't
know if coping mechanisms is the right
word but tools maybe Tools in our
toolbox um to help have just healthy
mental health States in our house or to
encourage um healthy mental living
that's I think I just made that phrase
up but I think you know what I mean I do
um when someone comes in my office we
talk about like three different areas we
talk about healthy habits healthy coping
and healthy processing okay um so I
think healthy habits are ways you
support your mental health or set
yourself up well in order to have your
healthiest stress response um so three
big ones are sleep exercise and
nutrition um sleep is an active time for
your brain it's when it cleans out
toxins from the day and research has
shown that your amydala the Emergency
Response Center in your brain that
activates your fight flight or freeze is
most impacted by inadequate sleep than
any other part of your brain oh boy
which is crazy unfortunate news
yeah um exercise or physical activity it
offsets symptoms of an activ ated
amydala it burns off excess adrenaline
it's known to promote growth in brain
cells and the release of dopamine the
happy hormone um and it doesn't always
have to be intense like going for a walk
is really good for your mental health um
there's actually research that shows if
you walk outside your eyes naturally
shift from right to left as you're
taking in what you're seeing which is
essentially creating neurop Pathways
from your right brain to your left brain
connecting logic to emotion um so
actually the trauma therapy EMDR was
developed out of that research that's so
that God would create your your brain to
do that that's so cool yes um nutrition
eating nutritious foods but also eating
consistently like not skipping meals
because a drop in blood sugar can mimic
feelings of anxiety um another
interesting fact is that 95% of
Serotonin receptors are found in the
lining of your gut so what you eat can
actually impact your
mood
um so much there's so much mind is
taking so much in but it I I mean all
these are so good for like you know I'm
thinking but this is also like for
grownups like am I doing these things
are my kids watching me do these things
so that they then recognize like oh she
makes it a priority like we go for a
walk you know we go you know are we
doing these things am I encouraging my
kids to like hey no no put that down
have an apple instead you know type
thing and that's just like those are
just healthy habits right like that's
not even specifically about coping so
then coping is how you handle or deal
with your emotions or channeling that
emotion into something constructive
instead of destructive um um so we can
talk about clinical ones like breathing
techniques or grounding skills or
mindfulness but then it's also just
things like journaling or listening to
music or um do like taking quiet calm
space for a little bit or um doing
something creative like drawing or
coloring or painting um and then
physical activity can also be a coping
skill right like going for a walk going
for a run especially for boys there's
definitely a physicality to emotions so
doing something physical can help
release that emotion while whether it's
like kicking a soccer ball against the
basement wall or punching bag Sprints
jumping jacks like anything physical um
yeah are we yeah again just as a parent
am I creating space for those things to
happen I even think like if if our day
is so uh full you know I haven't created
space for my kids to have these Outlets
you know that could be a disservice so
you know I'm just I'm taking it all in
yeah yeah and I think like it's
important for parents to model these
things um healthy habits but also
healthy coping like I you don't have to
hide the fact that you have an emotional
reaction I think it's probably even
better for your kids to see that and
then see what you do to handle that well
or how to cope with that emotion or if
you mess it up then you go back and you
apologize you acknowledge that you
messed it up and then you try again or
you know like I'll talk to parents
sometimes of adolescence and say like if
you're in a conversation with your teen
and you're starting to get really
frustrated like you can say that like
you know what I'm feeling really
frustrated in this moment I just need to
take a couple deep breaths let's pause
the conversation like why don't we do it
together and then you continue on right
so modeling it is good um don't feel
like you can't have the emotion as the
parent yeah that's
good did you have a third you have a
third okay oh well healthy processing
which I think we've kind of talked about
and I think we're going to go into
talking about a little bit more um
question we're talking about mental
health and the importance of it and the
importance to create space for it is
there ever a time that it can be over
emphasized and like almost give people
an excuse I think it's a good I mean
culture right now yeah like mental
health like I can't cuz of my anxiety my
mental health you hear that a lot or not
good for my mental health MH so what is
a where do we find the balance between
overemphasizing
and maybe crippling I use that lightly
um and then the other side of giving
space and building resilience MH yeah I
think we're going to head into
resilience a little bit which we can
kind of um walk into that in a minute as
well but I also think like there is a
cultural trendiness of it um that I
think is important to be aware of um the
Fuller youth Institute came out with a
book recently or maybe actually a couple
years ago based on research study um
it's called the three big questions that
change every teenager and it talks about
how every teenager is looking for
belonging identity and purpose and so um
I think at times it's possible for like
a elevated mental health struggle to
come out of like a desire for belonging
or a group of friends who find their
identity in that um which doesn't make
it any less delicate but it just informs
kind of how you respond um I also think
like this is kind of what you asked
maybe in a different light um you know
we talked about building an intentional
time to talk with your kids I think
sometimes bedtime can be a good time
because things are quieting down
sometimes it can be the worst time
because if your kids are extra tired and
now you're giving attention to something
in an emotional space you're creating a
bigger problem out of something when
you're actually not in the right head
space to process through it so I do
think you're mindful of how you bring
attention to it or how you respond to it
um I think if you know kind of going
into that resilience conversation like
there is ways to build resilience or to
help your
kids work on just because something's
hard doesn't mean I don't do it um so I
think you
know we do need to let our kids struggle
um in small ways and then sometimes like
in real big ways um and I don't it
doesn't mean that we do it from afar we
just push them into it right like we
draw near like the Lord draws near to us
as well um we prepare them for it we
talk through it um we help them
anticipate what is maybe to come and so
that they feel empowered and ready to
walk into that situation um but I think
our kids need to know that they are
capable and that we believe that they
are capable right um I actually had a
one of my son's teachers call me out on
this one time because he was struggling
with something and I just swooped into
to do it for him um and he was like he
can do it and I was like okay but I was
actually really appreciative because
it's true like I need my son to have the
experience of like this is hard and I
might struggle through it but I can
still do it and I can't just give up and
I can work my way through it um and I
think that's true in big and in small
ways um and I think honestly like it
builds a resilience in our faith as well
like Romans 5 tells us suffering
produces perseverance perseverance
character and character hope um and we
as adults like know that to be true like
we can point to experiences in our life
where we see like well struggle was hard
like this is how I came to know the Lord
as healer or
or my dependence on him um so you know
there's ways you do it where you're
leading your children to Jesus in it or
you're empowering them in it um but it
doesn't mean that you you scoop them
from the struggle yeah from doing the
hard
thing which is hard it's hard it's so
hard so hard yeah it's even hard in the
in my very small context of it of seeing
Ezekiel my three-year-old get frustrated
with small tasks you know and I'll and
I'll let him do it for a little little
bit and then want to want to fix it or
help them or put a shoe on for him you
know like little little things I can't
imagine as it gets bigger and there are
things that you can probably fix for
your kids but it's just better to let
them do it on their own yeah I'll just
I'll just tell you it's hard okay I'll
speak from that experience um I think
another way you build resilience in your
kids is with like empowerment and
building like a healthy confidence and
identity right because it's hard for you
to think oh I can't do this hard thing
if you don't think good things about
yourself so like I encourage parents to
not let a day go by where you're not
speaking some kind of goodness or
positive reinforcement over your kids um
and I like to frame it in like I love
that God made you and then picking out
unique qualities about them like you're
creative you're thoughtful you're
curious so that way you're anchoring it
in the ways that the Lord intentionally
designed them um or you know I notice
things that your kids are doing like
I'll say to my son like I can I tell you
something I noticed today I noticed that
you are courageous because even though
you felt nervous you still did this um
and it reminds me of that verse in
Joshua God tells us be strong and
courageous for I'm with you wherever you
go so you're you're anchoring it all in
this is your worth that the Lord has
given you and and you're enabling it
with the power of the of the word yeah I
love that while we're on that topic if
you're starting to notice that your
child is kind of name calling themselves
and having pretty negative selft talk uh
what's a good intervention with that CU
I feel like my instinct would be like
don't say that about yourself but that
doesn't really fix it that
just yeah I think um personally how I
would respond to that is I would say
like oh it makes me really sad to hear
you say that about yourself I don't
think those things of you I know the
Lord doesn't think those things of you
either like where' that come from where
do you think that came from and what do
you think the Lord would speak to to you
over that um what are some truth
statements that we can say in response
to that
um things like that yeah I feel like we
could keep going on and on and on but we
are running out of time so um I just
want to uh kind of end it with one last
question of you know all of these things
um we've talked about are kind of like
normal walks through mental health that
we would expect our kids to have seasons
where they struggle and don't struggle
and we can walk them through but let's
just maybe create a a line that says hey
at what point would we maybe need to
seek some help or recognize like hey
this is outside a normal mental health
check and this is outside a normal
problem we probably need a professional
to come in and give us some guidance
here um maybe just speak to that and
then we'll we'll just wrap it up yeah I
think um you know if we're talking about
anything clinical the things that we
tend to look at is how much it's
impairing functioning so like how much
it's getting inter it's interfering with
their ability to do day-to-day things um
the the duration of it so if it's like
an intense emotion for an extended
period of time that's always something
that would raise alarms um I think any
drastic change is something to be
mindful of um sleep changes big change
in academic performance things like that
um I also think like it doesn't have to
be drastic to seek help right like I
don't it's never bad to invite other
voices into your kids lives um
especially there's going to come a time
where your teenager is just not going to
hear your voice for a little while and
that happens for everybody and having a
different adult say the exact same thing
that you're saying they're going to hear
it differently so um there are times
where it's like yes you need to seek
help and then there's other times where
it might be like hey why don't why don't
we just seek help it's not like a
emergent situation but it's not going to
be a negative thing or even asking your
child like would you be interested in
this I I love that you said that CU even
that habit of into an adulthood of like
hey this let's normalize this let's
normalize other voices and you having a
space that you can process um because
you know life changes and knowing like
oh this is a normal thing I'm an adult
now this is something that I could do to
get some so I love that you said that um
this has been like a wealth of knowledge
I just I personally am so grateful just
this is good for me to have this
check-in and this um just reminders of
things to be doing at home and so I'm
I'm really grateful for you yeah thank
you Christina thank you for bringing
just your wisdom and your knowledge and
you're just amazing um that's all the
time that we have unfortunately but
thank you guys so much for tuning in
please tune in next time this has been
parenting for the everyday