Chad: And welcome to Pick Six Movies, the podcast
Chad: where each season, we select six movies all
Chad: related to a single theme, and then on each
Chad: episode we take a look at the people who
Chad: made one of those movies to answer the
Chad: questionâ¦ Huh?
Chad: Then, on top of that, we give you a full
Chad: review of the movie, from start to finish,
Chad: to see if it's any good, and more often
Chad: than not, the movies we review on this
Chad: podcast are genuinely awful.
Chad: I'm Chad Cooper and, along with my lifelong
Chad: friend and podcast co-host, mr Bo Randstall,
Chad: this season's theme is Domo Arigato,
Chad: featuring six movies where robots are up to
Chad: all manner of unexpected hijinks.
Chad: This is episode 5, and boy do we have a
Chad: doozy of a movie for you with Shopping Mall.
Chad: It's everything you want in an 80's slasher
Chad: movie Young adults stranded alone, this
Chad: time in a shopping mall, with a murderous
Chad: killer.
Chad: This time it's three robots and they stalk
Chad: down the young adults one by one and they
Chad: kill them off until the movie ends.
Chad: And you turn it off and you never think
Chad: twice about it for the rest of your life.
Chad: Doesn't that sound delightful?
Chad: Of course it does.
Chad: But enough of my gibber jabber.
Chad: Let's get Mr Bo Randstall in here to
Chad: explain to us how Shopping Malls destroyed
Chad: the America of yesteryear, only to set the
Chad: stage for this terrifyingly terrible
Chad: slasher film.
Chad: Oh, and there's gratuitous nudity, both
Chad: male and female, and I guess there's robot
Chad: nudity, cause they don't wear clothes.
Chad: Can robots be naked?
Chad: Rosie the robot on the Jetson she wore a
Chad: maid's costume, so I guess if she took it
Chad: off she'd be naked.
Chad: You know what Robots can be naked?
Chad: Listen to me.
Chad: Gibber, jabber on.
Chad: Let's just get Mr Bo Randstall in here to
Chad: talk about Shopping Mall before I prattle
Chad: on a little bit more.
Chad: Bo, do that thing, you do.
Bo: Elizabeth King once wrote If capitalism is
Bo: America's religion, the mall is its church.
Bo: The American urge to consume has been bored
Bo: into us through decades of advertising and
Bo: culture.
Bo: Who doesn't love that feeling when a new
Bo: box from Amazon shows up at your door?
Bo: It's a dopamine hit of satisfaction, a
Bo: release of pleasure on account of you
Bo: having more stuff.
Bo: We got rid of the mall and made the stuff
Bo: come right to us.
Bo: An advancement in consumerism, but not so
Bo: much in the world where malls had a
Bo: different intended purpose.
Bo: See, malls weren't supposed to be just a
Bo: place to go and spend money.
Bo: They were supposed to bring us as a society
Bo: together.
Bo: Cue the music fellas.
Bo: It sounds like an introduction.
Bo: The guy who first devised the idea of the
Bo: American shopping mall wasn't some guy in a
Bo: boardroom eager to put all the things you
Bo: can buy in one handy place.
Bo: Nope, it was a Vienna-born architect by the
Bo: name of Victor Gruen, a socialist of all
Bo: things.
Bo: Gruen had noted that people were fleeing
Bo: urban areas in a wake of industrialization
Bo: and he was worried that these suburban
Bo: spaces where the population was flocking to
Bo: would, in his words, create a quote
Bo: feminized space where the only people who
Bo: could possibly live were women and children,
Bo: on account of there being nothing to do but,
Bo: one presumes, bake and clean the house and
Bo: play in the vast stretches of empty spaces.
Bo: Gruen saw this as a problem of society, a
Bo: need for a place where people could come
Bo: together and share in cultural experiences.
Bo: These buildings, in Gruen's mind, would be
Bo: state-owned facilities where people could
Bo: come and mingle, exchange ideas.
Bo: It was a blast of old-fashioned Greek
Bo: democracy, positioned squarely in suburban
Bo: centers.
Bo: So in the 1950s, just as World War II
Bo: provided another boost to the urban flight
Bo: and a rush to the suburbs, gruen began
Bo: building his shopping malls.
Bo: It was a dream that would become, for Gruen,
Bo: a nightmare.
Bo: By the time the 1960s rolled around, there
Bo: were 4,500 shopping malls littering the
Bo: landscape of the suburbs.
Bo: Their presence on city planning,
Bo: infrastructure and the very economies of
Bo: suburban communities cannot be overstated.
Bo: They became cultural centers, sure, but not
Bo: an exchange of ideas as Gruen hoped.
Bo: They were monuments to capitalism and
Bo: consumerism, a place where one could
Bo: compare one's life against another's and
Bo: buy all the things that would fill the gulf
Bo: between the life you had and the life you
Bo: wanted.
Bo: In a 1986 issue of Consumer Reports, this
Bo: shopping mall, as an invention, was named
Bo: one of the 50 greatest consumer innovations
Bo: in history, right up there with antibiotics
Bo: and personal computers.
Bo: In 1985, a law professor at the University
Bo: of California in Los Angeles penned a
Bo: letter attempting to sway the New York
Bo: Court of Appeals to lift a ban on
Bo: pamphleteering in malls.
Bo: The court decided that this sort of thing
Bo: was disruptive to all the shopping and
Bo: buying and food courting.
Bo: But this professor argued that the mall had
Bo: become essentially a town square and some
Bo: amount of disruption in all that.
Bo: Shopping was important and even necessary
Bo: for the betterment of democracy.
Bo: Gruen would have been proud.
Bo: This was what he wanted all along the mall
Bo: as city center, a place where ideas are
Bo: debated and exchanged.
Bo: But not everything was rosy with the advent
Bo: of malls.
Bo: I mean, it started as a way to subvert the
Bo: feminization of suburban culture, already a
Bo: fairly sexist idea.
Bo: But then came the racism.
Bo: Yeah, you knew that was coming.
Bo: Most of the flight from urban areas to the
Bo: suburbs was from your old pal the Caucasian,
Bo: a phenomena known as white flight.
Bo: So more white people than any other
Bo: demographic were fleeing the city,
Bo: percentage wise.
Bo: And it also helped if you could afford a
Bo: car to get to said mall, which required
Bo: reasonable and steady income, something
Bo: white folks had more than their fair share
Bo: of when compared with other groups,
Bo: especially in the 50s and 60s, and the jobs
Bo: opening up in the suburbs.
Bo: Yep, you needed cars to get to them too,
Bo: and basic access to the malls isn't the
Bo: only thing that was inherently problematic
Bo: when discussing race.
Bo: If someone in the black or Hispanic
Bo: community did manage to make it to a mall,
Bo: they reported high degrees of racial
Bo: profiling by mall security 65% of black
Bo: people and 56% of Hispanic people believed
Bo: that they were profiled when entering
Bo: stores and malls.
Bo: According to a 2004 Gallup poll and if you
Bo: needed more proof, barneys of New York and
Bo: Macy's were so guilty of it an
Bo: investigation was called and both stores
Bo: locations were found to practice high
Bo: degrees of racial profiling in their
Bo: anti-theft practices.
Bo: That could explain why, during the Black
Bo: Lives Matter protests of 2015, the largest
Bo: mall in the country, bloomington,
Bo: minnesota's Mall of America, was chosen as
Bo: a site of a large scale protest, as if to
Bo: say here in this place, we do not feel we
Bo: are being respected or treated with basic
Bo: human dignity.
Bo: But, of course, nothing can last.
Bo: Malls fell victim to the one constant
Bo: change.
Bo: Online shopping hit consumers and consumers
Bo: loved it.
Bo: All the stuff.
Bo: None of the walking and shopping and
Bo: shutter being around other people.
Bo: You can have whatever you want dropped on
Bo: your doorstep and you don't even have to
Bo: look at the person who brought it to you.
Bo: The final nail in Gruen's utopian ideal of
Bo: the mall Get rid of all the interaction and
Bo: leave behind the raw consumerism.
Bo: Between 2008 and 2009, malls posted losses
Bo: of 6.5% in sales.
Bo: And suddenly malls were closing, at least
Bo: 15% of them Giant edifices that once
Bo: contained hundreds or thousands of people
Bo: now empty, some left abandoned so that
Bo: nature herself began its reclamation of the
Bo: spaces.
Bo: By 2022, that number was more like 20-25%
Bo: of all malls in this country were closed.
Bo: These are haunted places, these empty and
Bo: abandoned malls.
Bo: To look at the internet, to see some of the
Bo: images, is like looking at sets from some
Bo: post-apocalyptic film.
Bo: Before he died in 1980, gruen said I am
Bo: often called the father of the shopping
Bo: mall.
Bo: I would like to take this opportunity to
Bo: disclaim paternity once and for all.
Bo: I refuse to pay alimony to those bastard
Bo: developments.
Bo: They destroyed our cities.
Bo: It is perhaps fitting that, in the wake of
Bo: his demise, so too did the mall die.
Bo: And yet there is life in the old girl yet,
Bo: or perhaps a resurrection, as befitting our
Bo: Halloween season.
Bo: Local communities have, in some places,
Bo: bought up the old private malls and turned
Bo: them into communal spaces, places where
Bo: local hospitals have satellite centers or
Bo: community colleges or cultural centers.
Bo: For some of these same communities, for
Bo: whom the traditional mall meant profiling
Bo: and disenfranchisement, there is also the
Bo: rise of the Mall Walker, a punchline shore,
Bo: but also a pretty remarkable thing Elderly
Bo: citizens, who are often left behind in the
Bo: need for community as friends and relatives
Bo: die or lose touch or simply don't want to
Bo: be around creepy old people.
Bo: These elderly citizens can go to these
Bo: mostly abandoned malls where there is maybe
Bo: one anchor store holding on an orange
Bo: Julius and then a whole wing devoted to a
Bo: trade school or something.
Bo: They can walk these malls with others like
Bo: them, people still looking for ways to be
Bo: active and to be social.
Bo: Alexandra Lang, who has studied the rise
Bo: and fall of the mall as an institution,
Bo: says about this phenomena quote the mall in
Bo: its quiet early hours provides affordances.
Bo: Most cities and suburbs cannot Open open
Bo: walkways, consistent weather, bathrooms and
Bo: benches.
Bo: A 2010 study found.
Bo: Quote spatial practice often exceeds the
Bo: conceptions of designers and managers,
Bo: transforming malls into community space.
Bo: This is particularly true in declining
Bo: inner suburbs, where poor and racialized
Bo: communities depend more heavily on malls
Bo: for social reproduction as well as
Bo: recreation and consumption.
Bo: It's just a fancy way to say that the malls
Bo: have become actual places of community.
Bo: Again in keeping with our Halloween season,
Bo: gruen had to invent his monster, watch it
Bo: die and then return as the thing he
Bo: intended all along.
Bo: And given the cultural obsession with malls
Bo: in the 1980s, it's no surprise that someone
Bo: would make a horror movie set inside one.
Bo: Someone would expect the king of B-movies,
Bo: roger Corman, to jump on such a thing, but
Bo: you'd be wrong.
Bo: It was his wife, julie Corman, that hitched
Bo: her wagon to the mall craze.
Bo: Julie Corman had a deal with Vestron
Bo: Pictures, one of the great B-movie studios
Bo: of the 80s, to make a horror movie that
Bo: takes place in a mall.
Bo: She turned to a writer-director inside the
Bo: Roger Corman stable to bring her vision to
Bo: life a guy by the name of Jim Wynorski.
Bo: He talked extensively about Wynorski on the
Bo: episode On Return of the Swamp Thing way
Bo: back in season 5, episode 2.
Bo: A movie Wynorski also directed.
Bo: If you don't recall that one or didn't
Bo: listen to that episode, first of all, shame
Bo: on you.
Bo: The short version is that Wynorski is a
Bo: great, a weirdo, with a penchant for large
Bo: breasts and making everything from cheap
Bo: sci-fi movies to cheap skin flicks.
Bo: He's made a career for himself and that's
Bo: something.
Bo: But make no mistake, jim Wynorski is not
Bo: what you would call an auteur.
Bo: Still, at the time of Chopping Mall's
Bo: inception, wynorski was a go-to guy in the
Bo: Corman world, having written movies like
Bo: Forbidden World and Sorceress and
Bo: Screwballs a porkey's knockoff for Corman
Bo: and he had recently written and directed
Bo: the movie the Lost Empire, which IMDb
Bo: describes thusly seeking revenge Officer
Bo: Angel Wolfe, her Native American friend,
Bo: wide star oh boy, and Outlaw Heather
Bo: infiltrate a fortified island where an
Bo: undead wizard in his evil cult forced
Bo: captured women to take part in gladiatorial
Bo: tournaments.
Bo: So you kinda know what you're getting with
Bo: this guy.
Bo: But he did work fast and on a budget, and
Bo: that goes a long way with Roger Corman and
Bo: Julie.
Bo: Corman pitched the concept to Wynorski who
Bo: said he could write a script on the cheap
Bo: if he'd also be allowed to direct.
Bo: Corman agreed Julie that is and Wynorski
Bo: was off to the races.
Bo: He enlisted the aid of a buddy, steven
Bo: Mitchell, a guy he knew from the horror
Bo: convention circuit.
Bo: The two bonded when they kept running into
Bo: each other at conventions for EC Comics,
Bo: the pre-code horror comics that are truly
Bo: wonders to behold.
Bo: It was Wynorski who said that they all to
Bo: do robots in a mall and went on to say he
Bo: was inspired by a 1954 film called Gog, in
Bo: which malfunctioning robots hunt people in
Bo: an underground base where a space station
Bo: is being built.
Bo: Others are quick to point out that there is
Bo: a made for TV movie from 1973 called
Bo: Trapped, aka Doberman Patrol, a movie that
Bo: is very similar to Choppie Mall, only
Bo: substituted Doberman Pinchers for robots.
Bo: Regardless of how it was inspired, wynorski
Bo: and Steve Mitchell put together a story in
Bo: about 24 hours.
Bo: Julie Corman dug it and passed it along to
Bo: the suits at Vestron and, despite the fact
Bo: that there wasn't, you know, a real script,
Bo: they gave it the green light.
Bo: They did write a script, believe it or not,
Bo: which took another month and change to get
Bo: done.
Bo: And, lest we forget, jim Wynorski is kind
Bo: of a creep.
Bo: So when it came to casting the movie, he
Bo: led his dick, lead the way.
Bo: Dana Kimmel, an actress known at the time
Bo: for Lone Wolf McQuade and who would later
Bo: go on to be in Friday the 13th, part 3, was
Bo: originally cast as the lead, but she quote
Bo: did not want to do anything that was sexual,
Bo: and so she got bounced from the cast.
Bo: Enter Kelly Maroney, who had a huge run as
Bo: a young woman on Ryan's Hope, the old soap
Bo: opera, and then landed the role of Cindy in
Bo: Fast Times at Richmond High.
Bo: She would be best known for cult movies
Bo: like Night of the Comet, chopping Mall and
Bo: Not of this Earth.
Bo: Wynorski wanted to date Maroney and cast
Bo: her because he wanted to get it wet, and
Bo: also Maroney was quote game for anything
Bo: Generic white guy dudes.
Bo: John Toleski and Russell Todd were cast as
Bo: Mike and Rick respectively, and Tony O'Dell,
Bo: aka Jimmy from Karate Kid 1 2, plays Ferdy,
Bo: the nerdy hero of our movie.
Bo: And much love, as usual, to the Queen of B
Bo: movies, barbara Crampton, who was still
Bo: early in her career at this point, but not
Bo: that early.
Bo: She was already the woman who was eaten out
Bo: by that decapitated head and reanimator one
Bo: of the truly shocking moments in film
Bo: history.
Bo: And she would of course go on to be in
Bo: movies and television until this very day.
Bo: She is currently on a run of the Young and
Bo: the Restless, while appearing in indie
Bo: movies all over the place, and is doing
Bo: voice work for video games, recently the
Bo: character of Mom in the zombie co-op
Bo: shooter Back for Blood.
Bo: Is there anything she can't do?
Bo: Oh, and you'll probably recognize some
Bo: character actors in the mix too, like Dick
Bo: Miller and Paul Bartell and Mary Warnoff,
Bo: the latter couple featured in the movie
Bo: Eating Raul, a cult movie if ever there was
Bo: one.
Bo: And Dick Miller was not only a Roger Corman
Bo: staple he's been in pretty much every B
Bo: movie worth a damn in the past half century
Bo: or more.
Bo: So the movie was intended to be shot at the
Bo: Beverly Center in Los Angeles, but that
Bo: cost a lot of money and this movie didn't
Bo: have a lot of money.
Bo: So they shot some exteriors there and then
Bo: they filmed all the interiors at the
Bo: Sherman Oaks Galleria, which was also the
Bo: mall used in Fast Times at Richmond High
Bo: and the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie
Bo: Commando For the furniture store.
Bo: The production took over an empty space and
Bo: made their own store, which doubled as
Bo: storage for all the equipment during the
Bo: day when the mall was open.
Bo: The shooting of the movie took about 20
Bo: days and for better or worse, shopping Mall
Bo: was ready to unleash on an unsuspecting
Bo: public.
Bo: Only it wasn't called Shopping Mall at
Bo: first.
Bo: It was called Killbots and it was
Bo: test-marketed to audiences in March of 1986.
Bo: The test screenings went poorly and the
Bo: movie was, part of the expression, chopped
Bo: down and given the new title Shopping Mall.
Bo: When it finally did make its way to wide
Bo: release, the movie was met with decent, if
Bo: unexceptional, business and critical
Bo: reviews that landed somewhere south of good,
Bo: though.
Bo: Some critics found some fun with the film,
Bo: even if they admitted that it was no
Bo: cinematic achievement.
Bo: But it was on home video that Shopping Mall
Bo: found its audience, one that would inspire
Bo: a DVD release in 2004 on the back of some
Bo: really good VHS sales and rental numbers.
Bo: Maybe it was the poster, maybe it was just
Bo: the silliness of it all, maybe just the sun
Bo: shining on this particular dog's ass on
Bo: this particular day, but Shopping Mall was,
Bo: after a while, a success.
Bo: But does this consumer concoction have any
Bo: fire in the bellies of its robotic security
Bo: guards, or is this one big not topic?
Bo: To find out, let's get chat in here to ring
Bo: up the damage on this.
Bo: Jim Wynorski, jim, ladies and gentlemen,
Bo: birdies and suesies, it's 1986's Shopping
Bo: Mall, and welcome back everyone to yet
Bo: another episode of Pick Six Movies, this
Bo: one not content with just referring to the
Bo: 80s all the time on account of us being old,
Bo: we're going to watch a movie set so firmly
Bo: in the strata of the 1980s.
Bo: It is chock full of malls and big hair and
Bo: slang and crappy effects, really colored
Bo: clothing and gratuitous nudity that is both
Bo: a trademark of the 1980s and our pal Jim
Bo: Wynorski, who of course directed this.
Bo: So Shopping Mall is a movie that I feel
Bo: like has been sort of always with me in
Bo: some weird way.
Bo: Like I don't think it's a great movie and
Bo: we'll talk about all the reasons why no,
Bo: it's clearly not, but it feels like that
Bo: friend you have.
Bo: That you don't really have that much in
Bo: common with, but you've always been around
Bo: them, and so you're just sort of weird.
Chad: You got some weird friends, man.
Chad: I don't know anybody like this movie.
Bo: Oh, I know a lot of people that are like
Bo: the living embodiment of Shopping Mall.
Bo: When I watched this movie.
Chad: It reminded me that there are certain films
Chad: that were made in the 80s that really
Chad: captured the essence of the 1980s, like you
Chad: mentioned in the intro Cameron Crowe and
Chad: Amy Heckerling's Fast Times at Ridgemont
Chad: High.
Chad: Spike Lee's Do the Right Thing captures the
Chad: 80s in a certain way.
Chad: All the John Hughes films you know just
Chad: across the board.
Chad: But I also think that those movies are
Chad: separate from movies that were made in the
Chad: 80s that define that generation of
Chad: filmmaking, like Rambo or Indiana Jones
Chad: films fall into that.
Chad: Ghost Busters and Terminator and Back to
Chad: the Future and all of the unlimited slasher
Chad: movies that were cranked out during that
Chad: particular decade.
Chad: You know, I just think that certain movies
Chad: were able to just capture the essence of
Chad: that decade without trying to recreate a
Chad: certain moment.
Chad: But I think that Shopping Mall may be one
Chad: of the most fantastic time capsules for the
Chad: 1980s ever captured on film Because it's
Chad: got so much of the mall culture and it's
Chad: got a slasher film component to it and it's
Chad: this techno disaster type nightmare.
Chad: It feels like the 1980s just shit out of
Chad: film.
Bo: It has all the trappings of the 1980s.
Bo: It's not trying to be a time capsule, which
Bo: kind of makes it a better time capsule.
Chad: It's the opposite of Wonder Woman 1984.
Bo: That's a great example in a horrible movie.
Bo: I would rather watch shopping mall than
Bo: Wonder Woman 84.
Chad: It's more authentic and genuine and it's
Chad: shorter and it's more entertaining and, if
Chad: you like it, there's a lot more nudity,
Chad: both male and female.
Bo: This is true.
Bo: Say what you will about shopping mall, it
Bo: is fairly equal opportunity.
Bo: I mean, it's certainly more exploitative
Bo: with the women, I guess.
Chad: but you see as many male nipples as female
Chad: nipples.
Chad: This is nipples a nipple.
Bo: I guess that's right.
Bo: When was the first time you saw this movie?
Bo: Three days ago?
Bo: Oh really, you had never seen this before.
Chad: No, this one never came across my radar.
Chad: It always just looked a little too bad and
Chad: I don't know why.
Chad: I mean, I'm surprised that you and I never
Chad: watched this together, but I had never seen
Chad: it.
Chad: For those who don't know, there were
Chad: certain people in the 1980s children who
Chad: were just like, left to their own devices
Chad: and just figured things out and there
Chad: wasn't a whole hell of a lot to do Like,
Chad: and going to the mall was one of them.
Chad: Tv only had three stations.
Chad: They all showed the same thing News, game
Chad: shows, soap operas, syndicated garbage.
Chad: In the afternoon, local news and then three
Chad: hours of programming and that was it.
Chad: Yeah.
Chad: You had one station of PBS that showed you
Chad: stuff to learn from, and then you had one
Chad: wild card of a UHF station, if you were
Chad: lucky, and that just showed a bunch of
Chad: public domain cartoons and public domain
Chad: movies and cheap pay to play trash, like
Chad: there was nothing to do but get in trouble,
Chad: watch that crappy TV or go to the mall.
Bo: And that's assuming you had a car to get to
Bo: the mall.
Bo: Otherwise you're just roaming the
Bo: neighborhood, completely unsupervised, with
Bo: a stick and ill intent.
Chad: And if it was near New Year's Day or Fourth
Chad: of July, you were blowing things up with
Chad: fireworks.
Bo: Boy.
Bo: Those were the days.
Chad: Well, there are also maybe one or two movie
Chad: theaters in town.
Chad: This is how bad it was.
Chad: Remember when they turned that 7-Eleven
Chad: into a video rental store.
Bo: Oh sure.
Chad: It went tits up.
Chad: I'm in that video rental store and I'm
Chad: standing there looking at the movies to
Chad: rent and the movie Mannequin it's on the
Chad: shelf and I'm thinking about watching
Chad: Mannequin and I pick it up and then I turn
Chad: around and I look over at the marquee for
Chad: the shitty movie theater in our hometown
Chad: and they're showing the movie Mannequin.
Chad: Now, this was not one of those late to the
Chad: game dollar theaters.
Chad: This was full price movie theater and they
Chad: had eight screens at the time, like they
Chad: built that out.
Chad: But I was like how in the hell is there a
Chad: VHS copy of Mannequin available for rent?
Chad: And they are still showing this movie on
Chad: the big screen.
Bo: Probably wasn't legally obtained, is what I
Bo: would suggest.
Bo: I don't know.
Bo: That was what the shitty cam version of
Bo: Mannequin.
Chad: My point here just being, is that movies
Chad: during this era?
Chad: I don't know that.
Chad: I have a point here yeah.
Chad: I don't think I do.
Chad: Oh OK, when was the last time you went to a
Chad: shopping mall?
Chad: Let's talk about that for a moment.
Bo: I walked into a shopping mall within the
Bo: past two years.
Chad: It's been a decade since I've walked into a
Chad: shopping mall proper.
Bo: The only reason I did is because the child
Bo: I was with legally was taking you to the
Bo: cops.
Bo: Oh no, no, wanted to get some Chinese from
Bo: the food court, oh, and so we were going to
Bo: that.
Bo: But we walked into the mall and she said I
Bo: don't like this place.
Bo: And I said I don't either.
Bo: And then we turned around and left.
Bo: So I was in the mall once in the past
Bo: decade for about 38 seconds and that was it.
Chad: I go to one of those outdoor shopping
Chad: epicenters, kind of like a Lowe's and a
Chad: Target, and then everything else is just
Chad: stitched together.
Chad: It's it's not encased in a giant building,
Chad: but back in the day going to the mall was a
Chad: thing to do.
Bo: Again, this is before the internet, when
Bo: you could just look at all the porn you
Bo: wanted.
Bo: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, there's one
Bo: on the what.
Bo: Now, oh boy, I'll tell you what.
Bo: Let's take this offline.
Speaker 3: But I've got something I think you're
Speaker 3: really going to like.
Bo: Yeah, I mean you could walk in the place
Bo: with 20 bucks, hit the food court, maybe
Bo: buy a cassette tape or go to the movie
Bo: which was attached to the mall, and all of
Bo: that for a relatively inexpensive amount of
Bo: money and that blew your afternoon and you
Bo: had nothing but time.
Bo: You had no sense of mortality or how quick
Bo: all this goes by.
Bo: So, you just blew time hanging out watching
Bo: people go by and sipping an oversized
Bo: orange, julius.
Bo: In a lot of ways it was kind of wonderful
Bo: and in a lot of ways it's very sad.
Chad: Let's talk about this movie.
Bo: Oh yeah, please Out of the gate Bo.
Chad: I awarded this movie one very enthusiastic
Chad: star for its opening credits, of which
Chad: there are none.
Chad: Kudos to you, chopping ball.
Bo: The movie we go right into a dude breaking
Bo: the window of a jewelry store.
Chad: But it's a fake opening, like a James Bond
Chad: or Indiana Jones or something, but I was
Chad: like, hey, they're getting into the movie.
Bo: That's fine.
Bo: Those are real things that happen.
Bo: This is just a movie made by the security
Bo: company, but it's this thief swiping a
Bo: bunch of jewels yeah, he's a burglar.
Chad: He's wearing a little black hoodie.
Chad: I wish his shirt would have been white and
Chad: black striped, but then that would imply
Chad: that he got busted by the cops or a bandit
Chad: mask.
Chad: That would have been good.
Bo: One of those that ties at the back of his
Bo: head.
Bo: That would have been pretty good this
Bo: jewelry he's stealing.
Chad: It's clearly costume jewelry that costs
Chad: like 18 bucks retail.
Chad: The dude would have made more money by
Chad: carefully cutting out the window paint of
Chad: glass that he smashed and selling that on
Chad: the streets.
Bo: I buy most of my glass.
Bo: Just I've got a guy.
Bo: Let's just say that Sure.
Chad: Everybody's got a glass guy.
Chad: Why would you pay retail for that?
Chad: That's just foolish.
Bo: It's a fine question.
Bo: I've never done it.
Bo: Hey, you need glass.
Bo: I got glass.
Bo: Do you think they have the overcoats?
Bo: Yeah, Like what do you want?
Bo: Do you want?
Bo: You want some stained glass?
Bo: I've got.
Bo: Plexiglass, I've got security glass.
Chad: What do you need, buddy Huh.
Bo: My glass guy.
Bo: You live in a hurricane zone.
Chad: I got that covered.
Chad: See that right there.
Chad: That's a federal tax stamp.
Bo: It doesn't get more legal than that.
Chad: So back to our movie.
Chad: Yeah, our bandit stealing this jewelry
Chad: Right and then a four foot tall kill by on
Chad: treads rolls up behind this bandit and says
Chad: stop right there and surrender your weapon.
Chad: And this kill by clearly looks inspired by
Chad: short circuits, johnny five and our own
Chad: heartbeats crime buster, only 80% cheaper
Chad: and about 60% smaller.
Chad: This bandit turns around bow and starts
Chad: firing his pistol at the kill by left and
Chad: right.
Chad: He just empties his chamber and he's like,
Chad: yeah, he runs off and the kill by gives
Chad: chase and then fires a taser into the back
Chad: of this bandit, rendering the bandit
Chad: unconscious and then the end flashes on the
Chad: screen.
Bo: I was like, wow, this is going to be the
Bo: shortest episode we've ever done.
Chad: It was awesome, wasn't it?
Chad: You're like is that it?
Chad: And they're like oh crap, this is just a
Chad: head fake.
Chad: And I like that.
Chad: It's listed as a secure Tronix production.
Chad: Uh-huh Like, what are we doing here?
Chad: And then it cuts into this real to real
Chad: projector, showing that this is a short
Chad: movie about a mall robbery at night and
Chad: it's being shown to a small audience of
Chad: people in folding chairs sitting in a real
Chad: mall at night through meta.
Chad: Indeed, I think if I was the head of secure
Chad: Tronix, I would have had some real life
Chad: bandits go rob these people's stores during
Chad: the mall presentation and then, when they
Chad: went back to work, they were just like we
Chad: were robbed.
Chad: We need killbots to protect our crummy
Chad: merchandise.
Bo: That guy was right.
Bo: You know, secure Tronix is one of the
Bo: unsung heroes of filmmaking of this era.
Bo: Not only did they do, obviously, the
Bo: killbot safety video, they also did
Bo: breaking away the bicycling epic.
Bo: And they really yeah, they did the original
Bo: credit kid.
Bo: Those were both secure Tronix films, but
Bo: then they went under.
Bo: Just you know bad deals.
Chad: This blonde woman wearing a very smart
Chad: looking suit and glasses.
Chad: She takes the stage and she says ladies and
Chad: gentlemen, that ends our fake out intro to
Chad: the movie.
Chad: Here is the head of development for secure
Chad: Tronix unlimited Incorporated International,
Chad: a division of global common, its parent
Chad: company, omega Corp.
Chad: Mr Dr Stan Simon oh, by the way Chad, worth
Chad: pointing out.
Bo: We've got our cameo here by Paul Bartell
Bo: and Mary Warnoff.
Chad: Oh, they're showing up.
Chad: They're going to be here.
Chad: Another cameo.
Chad: The woman making the announcement is Angela
Chad: Ames, who had some small parts on Cheers
Chad: and Night Court, but she was the woman who
Chad: was getting her baby's photos made at the
Chad: opening of bachelor party.
Chad: When Adrian's Med and Tom Hanks come in and
Chad: they do that impromptu photo shoot with
Chad: their head all around her large cleavage.
Bo: That's her.
Bo: Oh, bachelor party holds up pretty well.
Bo: Oh, almost certainly not.
Bo: Chad Everything.
Chad: I remember about it is problematic at best.
Chad: Guy putting his wiener in the hot dog bun
Chad: and that old lady yanking on it.
Bo: I'm just thinking of the list of shit that
Bo: they tout as being acceptable yeah.
Bo: An appeal for the party itself yeah.
Bo: None of that is okay.
Chad: I want to say, though, whenever I use
Chad: paprika in the kitchen, the words thank you.
Bo: Thank you, you made me the happiest spice
Bo: in the whole wide world Always comes out of
Bo: my mouth.
Bo: I have the same problem.
Bo: I do the exact same thing.
Chad: It's paprika.
Chad: So Dr Stan Simon.
Chad: He comes up on stage and he says hello,
Chad: people of the mall, full disclosure.
Chad: The doctor in my name is followed by a
Chad: question mark and legally must be
Chad: pronounced doctor Stan Simon.
Chad: And yes, that's my Christian name.
Chad: My parents were high on PCP when they named
Chad: me.
Chad: Let me introduce you to your new security
Chad: team, the protector 101 killbot series 2000.
Chad: And then there's these three killbots
Chad: behind him sitting on the stage.
Bo: And that's the point where Paul Bartell is
Bo: like they look like the three stooges.
Chad: And then he says I don't know that one in
Chad: the middle has an unpleasant ethnic quality
Chad: which is the one genuine laugh of the movie
Chad: for me.
Chad: I couldn't tell if this movie was self
Chad: aware or just terrible, and after watching
Chad: it twice but I'm still not sure.
Chad: But I think it's just terrible.
Bo: Paul Bartell and Mary Warnoff wrote their
Bo: own dialogue for this movie.
Chad: That doesn't mean it's not racist.
Bo: They're both satirists to one degree or
Bo: another and they're kind of reprising the
Bo: roles from eating Raoul and those
Bo: characters are very aristocratic, racist,
Bo: close minded kinds of characters.
Bo: So I think it's just in keeping with that
Bo: character.
Bo: I don't think Paul Bartell actually
Bo: believes that.
Bo: You know, that robot had an unpleasant
Bo: ethnic quality.
Bo: I think he was just goofing.
Bo: I don't think that's directly racist.
Bo: But also, all these people are dead.
Chad: There's no way to know.
Chad: Doctor Stan Simon stands up and says so,
Chad: are there any questions?
Chad: And this one dude stands up and he says yes,
Chad: what do your machines do Besides kill
Chad: people?
Chad: I was like kill people what I judge jury
Chad: and executioner for some handsy kids at a
Chad: Spencer's gift.
Bo: But let me just stop you right there.
Bo: They don't kill, they just incapacitate.
Bo: They fire sleep darts or something.
Bo: They've got sleep darts, they've got the
Bo: tasers.
Bo: They've got laser beams that shoot out of
Bo: their faces Once they identify a suspect,
Bo: they alert the police.
Chad: Plus, getting into the mall now is almost
Chad: impossible because we have steel doors that
Chad: lock from midnight till dawn.
Chad: Come to think of it, the killbots are
Chad: unnecessary since we have those no steel
Chad: doors.
Chad: Forget that last thing I just said.
Chad: You're going to want the killbots.
Chad: You can't get the steel doors without the
Chad: killbots.
Chad: It's a package deal, pete.
Chad: That's how it works.
Bo: You're buying the killbots.
Bo: The steel doors come with the killbots.
Bo: You can't get the doors and no killbots.
Bo: That's the I say.
Bo: On the cake is Paul and.
Chad: Mary, the satirist from the racist side of
Chad: town he lanes in.
Chad: He's like maybe we could use one of the
Chad: restaurant.
Chad: Get rid of the people we don't like.
Chad: And I'm like, based on that ethnic quality
Chad: comment earlier, I know what kind of people
Chad: you're talking about.
Bo: Another guy in the crowd site how they got
Bo: to tell who's a good guy and who's a bad
Bo: guy over here.
Chad: And then Dr Stan Smith says I'm so glassed,
Chad: you asked total stranger who I've never met
Chad: before.
Chad: Wink, wink.
Chad: All employees have to do is show their name
Chad: badge and they won't be shot with sleep
Chad: darts or confused as mal debris or
Chad: electrocuted.
Chad: And then Dr Stan Smith calls the Kilbot
Chad: control room and he says bring Kilbot
Chad: number one online.
Chad: And Kilbot number one comes online and
Chad: scans Dr Stan Smith's badge and it says
Chad: thank you, have a nice day.
Chad: And then the guy in the audience goes yeah,
Chad: follow up question.
Chad: Well, what if the bad guys get another
Chad: employee's badge?
Chad: I mean, couldn't they just run around
Chad: causing all kinds of crimes and they just
Chad: flash somebody else's badge?
Chad: Unfortunately, I'm not taking any more
Chad: questions.
Bo: Don't worry, nothing could possibly go
Bo: wrong.
Bo: Possibly that's the first thing that's ever
Bo: gotten wrong.
Chad: And then we get the movie's title chopping
Chad: mall, and we get this montage of vintage
Chad: 80s mall culture with the opening credits,
Chad: which is arguably a waste of time, but it
Chad: does help to establish the footprint of
Chad: where this movie is taking place.
Chad: So, counselor, I will allow it, and he
Chad: gives us a little entertainment along the
Chad: way, because we start off, we see a kid go
Chad: into an elevator he's eating a big ice
Chad: cream cone and then a bunch of adults rush
Chad: in and the door is closed and they open and
Chad: the kids covered with chocolate ice cream
Chad: all over his face and shirt.
Chad: How or why did that happen?
Chad: I have no idea.
Bo: That's a pretty good gag.
Bo: We see a couple of kids making out on a
Bo: bench and this old couple see him and
Bo: they're like I don't have some of that.
Bo: And they start making out a little bit,
Bo: let's clarify old couple.
Chad: These people are in their 80s.
Bo: They're of the Koala Chlamydia age, where
Bo: they are in some kind of assisted living
Bo: facility that is just running wild with
Bo: syphilis right now.
Chad: They're doing a little like teeth swapping
Chad: yeah that's sexy.
Chad: We see a guy stealing about 50 LPs.
Chad: Those are large record albums for our
Chad: younger listeners and they're stuffed up
Chad: under his shirts.
Chad: It's obvious that he's stealing these and
Chad: he's wearing a button-up shirt.
Chad: I'm like this is a rookie mistake.
Bo: Yeah, that's not great.
Bo: Honestly, when CDs first came out, they put
Bo: them in the long sleeves.
Bo: That was a real anti-theft deterrent, I
Bo: mean for some people Chad.
Chad: Our friend Ben, who's probably stolen more
Chad: things than anybody I've ever known in my
Chad: lifetime.
Chad: Two things he stole that I was always
Chad: impressed with.
Chad: One was he went into a store that was
Chad: called TGNY.
Chad: It was a precursor to Walmart, like a local
Chad: five-in-dime chain.
Chad: He and another guy went into this TGNY,
Chad: went back to the sporting goods store and
Chad: just picked up a canoe and walked out with
Chad: it.
Chad: Wow, that is impressive, Thinking no one's
Chad: gonna stop me if I walk out with a canoe.
Chad: They're gonna think I paid for it.
Bo: And he was right.
Bo: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Chad: And he lived probably close to a mile, and
Chad: they carried it back to his house.
Chad: Another fun fact he lived nowhere near a
Chad: body of water.
Bo: But he had a canoe.
Chad: He also stole full-body cow costume from a
Chad: Coach House gifts in a shopping mall by
Chad: stuffing it down his pants, which is
Chad: impressive.
Chad: And then he proceeded to put on that cow
Chad: costume, wear it to a high school football
Chad: game and jump down on the field, and what
Chad: the write-up report said from the vice
Chad: principal was that he was down on the field
Chad: simulating masturbation with cow outage.
Bo: Yeah, how do you nod, I don't know, when
Bo: you're milking yourself in a cow outfit.
Bo: I posed that question to you.
Bo: How do you not seem like you're
Bo: masturbating Any?
Chad: lawyer worth a nickel can say do you know
Chad: what masturbation is?
Chad: Yes, these are udders.
Chad: This isn't masturbation, right?
Chad: Sure, they look similar, but, sir, you need
Chad: to go spend a little bit of time with 4-H
Chad: Can you milk an udder and a penis?
Bo: Yes, the answer to that is clearly yes, but
Bo: just because the motions are the same does
Bo: not mean they achieve the same level of
Bo: inappropriateness in public or even
Bo: satisfaction.
Chad: You'll have to go ask the cow in the bull
Chad: to get that answer.
Chad: During this montage in the mall we do see a
Chad: kid in a video game arcade playing and then
Chad: this guy rolls up who's clearly a pedophile.
Chad: So the kid leaves and then the pervert
Chad: takes over playing the kid's game.
Chad: Which wasn't that an awesome opportunity
Chad: when you were in an arcade.
Chad: And then some kid's mom comes up.
Chad: You know, billy, we gotta go.
Chad: And then Billy leaves and you take over, or
Chad: a pedophile rolls up and scares the kid
Chad: away.
Bo: Yeah, but you get that full play.
Bo: Yeah, that was the best man.
Chad: Like hey, you want to take over my game?
Chad: Hell yeah, I will.
Bo: You just saved me 25 cents buddy Also,
Bo: there's a gag where a woman is navigating
Bo: the crowd at the food court with this tray
Bo: of food.
Chad: Yeah, How's that gonna end, Beau?
Bo: Oh, not good Chad.
Bo: We see a guy holding a bunch of boxes.
Bo: He dumps them on the escalator.
Bo: When he sees some babes with sashes and
Bo: bathing suits coming down the other side,
Bo: hey, you want to be in a movie.
Chad: You got a bikini.
Chad: Oh, you got high heels.
Chad: Tell me more.
Chad: Put on this sash.
Chad: You're gonna be in the movie.
Chad: All right, you know how to milk a cow.
Chad: You know how to milk a bull.
Bo: As we've discussed twice now on this show,
Bo: Jim Weynorski is a great A-Cream and I am
Bo: sure that your impression of this is far
Bo: closer to the truth than either of us would
Bo: care to do.
Chad: Yeah, and I just want to go on record and
Chad: say I was shocked at how reserved this
Chad: movie was with its creepiness Although no,
Chad: we'll get into it in a minute but the
Chad: majority of the nudity takes place in one
Chad: of the most strange environments, with all
Chad: types of comings and goings going on, pun
Chad: intended.
Bo: There's a real like polyamorous vibe to a
Bo: lot of this, so the woman navigating the
Bo: tray of food, like this whole bit, ends
Bo: with her just getting to the table and then
Bo: totally whipping it and dumping the food
Bo: all over somebody else at the table.
Bo: It's a real tin chocolate cream pies.
Chad: Whoa, if you get that reference, you're old.
Bo: As a wise man once said, there are as yet
Bo: undiscovered tribes in the Amazon.
Bo: Who could see that?
Chad: joke coming.
Chad: We get to a restaurant in the food court
Chad: where all of the walls are covered in cross
Chad: promotion of other terrible slasher and
Chad: sci-fi films.
Chad: One assumed that were produced by Roger
Chad: Corman or members of his family.
Chad: And here we meet two of our movie's four
Chad: female characters, Allison and Susie.
Chad: They are working as waitresses in this
Chad: restaurant.
Chad: Allison is our movie's final girl and Susie
Chad: was gonna call her the waitress.
Chad: To keep all of this straightened until they
Chad: one by one get killed.
Chad: I like how they're shouting out all that
Chad: make them up diner.
Chad: Speak to this fat chef who's working in an
Chad: open kitchen.
Chad: He looks like if chef by RD's life went
Chad: terribly wrong in every way.
Chad: He's openly smoking and he's wearing this
Chad: t-shirt that looks like a used diaper, Just
Chad: smeared with shit.
Bo: This was at a time when a short order cook
Bo: was expected to be smoking as he cooked, it
Bo: looked disgusting and unshaven and it is
Bo: the culinary embodiment of the line ah, you
Bo: can barely see dim nipples.
Bo: Like if you could take that line and shove
Bo: it into a cook's outfit.
Bo: It's this guy, it's this human being.
Chad: Allison drops a plate.
Chad: This gives both she and Susie a chance to
Chad: bend over and give us a little exposition
Chad: as they're cleaning up the mess.
Chad: And Susie says tonight's the night, you
Chad: gotta come to this party.
Chad: I set you up, this really cute guy.
Chad: And then chef boy RDUI shouts out hey, come
Chad: on, take the food.
Chad: The wallet's hot.
Chad: I'm not gonna go take out a break and do
Chad: the drugs and the walk in the cooler which
Chad: he does have a terrible Italian accent,
Chad: which was surprising.
Bo: And Susie, by the way, is warning Allison
Bo: about this fat customer that likes to get
Bo: handsy.
Bo: And the way she puts it is yeah, that orca
Bo: beaches here every week, which is wow that
Bo: is really rough.
Chad: The scene does end with him shouting out
Chad: more butter, Poor.
Bo: Allison.
Bo: It's up dropping a dish and that's where
Bo: Susie is, like I forget what chef boy RDUI
Bo: has to say.
Bo: You should come to this party that we're
Bo: gonna have.
Bo: We'll get to that.
Chad: The movie cuts to Kilbot control room where
Chad: some technician is just hanging out.
Chad: And then the movie cuts to the city skyline
Chad: where bolts of lightning are striking earth
Chad: with such force and frequency I thought we
Chad: were on some planet from the Dune series.
Chad: And then one of the bolts I mean it's like
Chad: kapow kapow one bolt strikes the mall and,
Chad: like Frankenstein, our monsters come to
Chad: life, but in this movie the monsters of the
Chad: Kilbots and they directly bypass that stage
Chad: of benevolent kindness and they just go
Chad: straight to murdering, rampage as part of
Chad: this particular narrative.
Bo: This is a storm equivalent to the one that
Bo: sets off the horrible, fine chain of events
Bo: in the movie Poltergeist.
Bo: It is lightning, and when everything is
Bo: going wrong Also the nerd here watching
Bo: over the Kilbots when the lightning hits
Bo: also smoking.
Chad: Yeah, because it was the 80s and that's
Chad: what you did in every movie and you looked
Chad: at pornography, because he's looking at a
Chad: playboy or penthouse or something and
Chad: unfolding it and he's giving it a va va, va
Chad: boom, and then one of the Kilbots just
Chad: comes over and, using its pincher claw,
Chad: kills this nerd technician.
Bo: It just goes right through the center fold
Bo: and grabs the guy by the throat question
Bo: mark.
Bo: When he falls down he's got a bloody neck,
Bo: but it's real unclear as to how this
Bo: particular murder happens.
Chad: I love how this movie doesn't give any real
Chad: reason as to why any of this is happening.
Chad: I mean, it's like in short circuit, the
Chad: robots got electrocuted and that's what
Chad: brings them to life.
Chad: This just jumps from A to Z so fast, Like
Chad: there's never a moment of well you know,
Chad: sir, if the Kilbots were to get a surge of
Chad: electricity, it could potentially cause
Chad: problems with their safety software.
Chad: Like none of that.
Chad: Like you're in a movie called Chopping Mall.
Chad: What do you think these idiots want to see?
Bo: No bullshit, Cut the credits, and even the
Bo: nerdlinger will get to in a little bit.
Bo: Ferdy, his character should be the one
Bo: that's like oh, I think I see what happened,
Bo: that lightning hit the antenna.
Bo: No, no, no, none of that.
Bo: Like you said, we're not fucking around
Bo: here.
Bo: The movie's called Chopping Mall.
Bo: Let's get to some chopping, chop, chop.
Chad: So we cut to our three male leads in this
Chad: movie who work in a store that's called
Chad: Furniture King and they sell housewares and,
Chad: as the name implies, furniture is a bunch
Chad: of couches and lamps and TVs and whatever
Chad: the film crew could scrounge up from the
Chad: local Goodwill store.
Bo: And yeah, you know this is a real Goodwill
Bo: kind of put together situation.
Chad: There's Mike, who's the douchebag of the
Chad: bunch, and then there's Greg I'm going to
Chad: call him the sensible one.
Chad: And then there's Ferdy, who's the nerdy one.
Chad: That's easy to remember, cause Ferdy rhymes
Chad: with nerdy and every male in this movie has
Chad: a female counterpart.
Chad: So Greg, the sensible one, he's paired with
Chad: Susie, the waitress from earlier.
Chad: Mike the douchebag is paired with Leslie,
Chad: the sexy one and I'm using that term
Chad: loosely and then Ferdy gets paired with
Chad: Allison, our final girl, and then later
Chad: we're going to meet Rick and Linda.
Chad: Now, none of that matters, but we are going
Chad: to try to keep it all straight, as the
Chad: killbots, one by one, murder these people.
Bo: They're giving Ferdy a little bit of grief
Bo: just because he's a nerdlinger and they're
Bo: like hey, we got some beer for the party,
Bo: but we need a place to have it and Ferdy,
Bo: our nerd because of you know, nerdy is like
Bo: geez guys, I don't know if we should host
Bo: the party in my store over here because,
Bo: hey, this is my uncle's store and I'm a for
Bo: a big promotion maybe.
Chad: But Ferdy doesn't even look like a nerd.
Chad: He's a handsome dude.
Chad: He's just wearing glasses and he's not
Chad: terribly tall, but there's nothing about
Chad: him that like you didn't have some white
Chad: tape that you could stick in the middle of
Chad: his glasses.
Chad: How is that not there?
Bo: More than that, Chad.
Bo: It's that we're going to take off the
Bo: glasses and suddenly we're dealing with a
Bo: hunk and a babe, and it's that in space
Bo: Like Ferdy is the most competent put
Bo: together person in the entire film and is
Bo: treated like he is the biggest doofus.
Bo: But that's also a very 80s kind of trope.
Bo: But they don't do it well here, well, no,
Bo: well, I mean you've shown me anything
Bo: that's done well in this movie.
Chad: Mike the douchebag says the fridge is full
Chad: of beer.
Chad: Rick and Linda bringing the food and we've
Chad: got clean sheets.
Chad: And I was like clean sheets, what's going
Chad: to you, oh God.
Chad: So then the movie cuts to our fourth couple,
Chad: the aforementioned Rick and Linda.
Chad: They are in a truck and the truck's on the
Chad: side of the road having car trouble and
Chad: they're on the way to the mall for this
Chad: party boat.
Chad: And this feels like a scene from what I
Chad: would classify as a in the woods camping
Chad: horror film.
Chad: But we're not.
Chad: We're in this urban California shopping
Chad: techno horror film.
Chad: Cause here, arguably, you're setting up why
Chad: the truck won't start later in our movie.
Chad: It's had a little trouble here, it won't
Chad: turn over later.
Chad: But here none of this matters.
Chad: It doesn't matter that they're in the truck,
Chad: doesn't matter that it won't turn over.
Bo: None of that, just have them show up at the
Bo: mall.
Bo: There is so much unnecessary backstory in
Bo: this scene.
Bo: Not only do we get the fact that the truck
Bo: is hard to start, we get the fact that
Bo: Linda is the one who fixes it, because
Bo: she's the really good mechanic Don't matter
Bo: later at all.
Bo: Right, they're married, but they have all
Bo: this money suck in the new business.
Chad: R and L automotive and the R and L are in a
Chad: heart.
Chad: That's cause they're in a heart.
Bo: Also don't matter.
Bo: The guy's kind of reluctant to go.
Bo: But then Linda shows him a little lingerie
Bo: that she was like.
Bo: Well, I guess I won't have anywhere to wear
Bo: this.
Bo: His eyes bug out like a cartoon wolf and he
Bo: puts the pedal to the metal to get to the
Bo: shopping mall.
Bo: But all of this stuff is completely
Bo: unnecessary to the film, yeah Just have
Bo: them show up at the mall.
Bo: Yeah, and one wonders if there is not some
Bo: version where the fact that she's a good
Bo: mechanic and he's not somehow it has
Bo: something to do with something when it
Bo: comes to this movie, but it never
Bo: materializes.
Bo: It's a real check-offs mechanic that
Bo: doesn't ever go off, I guess.
Chad: So Mike the douchebag goes into a women's
Chad: clothing store to check in with Leslie the
Chad: sexy one, and he sneaks up behind her and
Chad: just grabs her breast with both hands.
Chad: Oh sure, classy, typical Mike the douchebag.
Chad: And then Mike says, hey, I can't wait for
Chad: tonight.
Chad: And then these two just start violently
Chad: making out in the store.
Chad: She is an employee of this place and she's
Chad: just sticking her tongue down the throat of
Chad: this guy, not just an employee.
Bo: The employee of her father, who may
Bo: question, mark owned this clothing store.
Speaker 3: Because he just comes out and is like hmm,
Speaker 3: yeah, how about you leave a little room for
Speaker 3: the Holy Ghost?
Chad: Would you mind removing your hand from the
Chad: front of my daughter's Calvin Klein
Chad: dungarees?
Bo: Sorry Dad, I was just excited because we're
Bo: going to Susie's birthday party.
Speaker 3: Very good Lock up and I'll keep an eye on
Speaker 3: this riff-raff.
Bo: Allison's dad is on the phone with her at
Bo: the mall and why she has to call her dad to
Bo: say, hey, I'm thinking of going to this
Bo: party being held here at the mall for some
Bo: reason.
Chad: I thought all of these people are in their
Chad: mid to late 20s.
Bo: Oh, absolutely.
Bo: Everybody in this movie absolutely looks
Bo: like they are old enough to drive, vote and
Bo: be drafted.
Chad: Rent a car, possibly adopt another person.
Bo: In fact, for a while there I thought Susie
Bo: had adopted Allison.
Chad: Well, she gets off the phone with her dad
Chad: and she's like I love you, daddy.
Chad: And then the movie pans out and we see that
Chad: Allison and Susie are in a locker room
Chad: where they're changing clothes, and it also
Chad: appears that there are showers for the mall
Chad: employees to use.
Chad: But I worked in a couple of malls earlier
Chad: in my life.
Chad: This is 100% made up.
Chad: This does not exist in the real world of.
Chad: Maybe it's a fancy California mall.
Chad: I don't think so.
Chad: I think that the director was like anybody
Chad: want to be in a movie.
Chad: Take it top off, walk around over here.
Chad: We're in the shower scene at the mall, are
Chad: you sure I have to do?
Speaker 3: this, Mr Woodhouse.
Speaker 3: Hey, you know how to milk a cow.
Chad: You know how to milk a bull, you like to
Chad: ride escalators?
Chad: You like to ride anything else when you
Chad: going?
Chad: Hey, come back here, sweet cheeks.
Bo: Allison tells Susie hey, I'm going to go to
Bo: this party.
Bo: Of course Susie is very excited by this.
Bo: On their way out, susie borrows a bunch of
Bo: hairspray and makeup.
Bo: Then they head back inside the store
Bo: because they're going to the furniture
Bo: store in the mall.
Bo: I'm like, why go out in the first place?
Chad: We hear over the loudBo the mall will
Chad: be closing in 10 minutes.
Chad: And then outside there's more lightning
Chad: strikes.
Chad: Back inside, at the Kilbot Observatorium,
Chad: the night shift technician shows up to take
Chad: over for that guy who likes spank books and
Chad: is now dead, by the way.
Chad: What did the daytime tech do?
Chad: Because the Kilbots don't work during the
Chad: day?
Chad: Labor ain't cheap.
Chad: But fire that guy, Increase your margins.
Chad: Kilbot Incorporated.
Bo: It's just there to make sure that lightning
Bo: doesn't hit the panel.
Bo: Yes, so.
Chad: Uh-oh, the new guy comes in and the day
Chad: shift guy isn't there.
Chad: And the night tech is played by actor
Chad: Garrett Graham, who I know as the guy that
Chad: was terrified of red cars in the Kurt
Chad: Russell movie Used Cars, written and
Chad: directed by Robert Zemeckis and co-authored
Chad: by Bob Gale the two people who brought us
Chad: Back to the Future.
Chad: That's a pretty good movie.
Chad: You've never seen it.
Chad: I mean it ain't great, but it's pretty
Chad: funny.
Chad: You can see hints of Back to the Future in
Chad: the finale of that, like the race against
Chad: time and how it all comes together.
Chad: I was like I can see how they built on this
Chad: a little bit.
Bo: This same actor is also the titular bud in
Bo: Chud too, but the Chud.
Chad: He was the voice of Jay Sherman's nutty
Chad: adoptive father on the animated series the.
Chad: Critic he did a bunch of voice work.
Chad: He didn't just disappear into drugs and
Chad: alcohol and bull milk, not like I'm
Chad: planning to.
Chad: This other tech comes in and first techs.
Chad: Nowhere to be seen.
Chad: Did the Kilbots just clean up all of their
Chad: carnage and porn Again.
Bo: It's like the player character in the game
Bo: Hitman just dumping a body in the nearest
Bo: dumpster.
Chad: I'm like there's gonna be a lot of blood,
Chad: but maybe not.
Chad: Well, they have a vacuum attachment.
Chad: Tech number two sits down and starts
Chad: reading a book that appears not to be
Chad: pornography.
Chad: The book's title is it Came from Outer
Chad: Space, which, now that I think about it,
Chad: that could be erotic fiction?
Bo: I guess it could be.
Bo: You say it like that, wouldn't that be?
Bo: It Came in Outer.
Chad: Space, or on Outer Space or with Outer
Chad: Space.
Chad: There's a whole series in the it Came
Chad: series about.
Bo: Is there a box that I can buy so I could
Bo: just read it cover?
Chad: to cover.
Chad: There is, but if you're gonna get it, get
Chad: the illustrated version worth every penny.
Bo: They come pre-stuck together and with 3D
Bo: glasses.
Chad: Oh, that is handy.
Bo: So he hears the robot's power up but it
Bo: does a real like psychic out where he looks
Bo: over and he's like huh and they're all
Bo: powered down, and then he looks back and
Bo: they're dum, dum, dum, dum dum.
Bo: Yeah, and then the pincher comes out again
Bo: and the phone rings and the door closes,
Bo: and then, finally, the killbot fires this
Bo: like hook into the back of this dude's neck
Bo: and down goes, garrett Graham.
Bo: All right, yeah so long, but the chud.
Chad: We cut to the party over at Furniture King.
Chad: This whole place is about the size of a
Chad: high school classroom and all four of our
Chad: couples are just drinking Paps Blue Ribbon
Chad: out of the can, like you do.
Chad: There's a bunch of white guy dancing going
Chad: on to the song Street Walking by Sylvia St
Chad: James, the title music track to the movie
Chad: Street Walking about Times Square hookers
Chad: that came out in 1985.
Chad: And I thought are the four people in this
Chad: movie just jamming out to the soundtrack of
Chad: Street?
Bo: Walking.
Bo: A good song is a good song.
Bo: It doesn't matter where it came from.
Bo: If you could dance to it, it works.
Bo: Yeah, yeah, like Judgement Night isn't a
Bo: great movie, but the song Judgement Night
Bo: is fantastic.
Chad: Ferti's in the bathroom of this furniture
Chad: store, trying to look less nerdy or less
Chad: handsome, I couldn't tell.
Chad: He gives a breath check in the palm, like,
Chad: and he gives a little couple of
Chad: bonacoblasts to make his mouth ever fresh.
Chad: Then he heads out to find three of the four
Chad: couples drinking and making out.
Chad: And then Ferti gets thrust into the arms of
Chad: Allison, our final girl, and it's one of
Chad: those.
Chad: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you
Chad: are near and they're just.
Chad: They're looking at each other like I'm in
Chad: love.
Bo: Yeah, why died and everything.
Bo: And meanwhile back in the store proper they
Bo: turn around and Greg and Susie are totally
Bo: making out in front of God and everybody.
Bo: I am not a public display of affection kind
Bo: of person, as a Mm hmm, and certainly not
Bo: to this you know what?
Chad: buckle up.
Chad: It's going to be a bumpy ride.
Chad: We cut to the outside of the mall and the
Chad: killbots are just patrolling around.
Chad: The mall is now closed, and over at
Chad: furniture king, this party is really going
Chad: strong.
Chad: And killbot number one drives by but
Chad: doesn't do anything, and then killbot
Chad: number two comes online and starts to
Chad: patrol its level of the mall.
Chad: And then all the killbots are out and
Chad: they're rolling around in the mall, which,
Chad: by the way, this mall has carpet Gross.
Bo: Imagine how disgusting that is One of the
Bo: reasons they have the killbot, because, as
Bo: we saw with all the blood in the office,
Bo: they're also constantly vacuuming.
Chad: They're like the proto Roomba.
Bo: They're just Roomba's with a homicidal
Bo: intent.
Bo: Hold on.
Chad: Invention idea Tie a gun to the top of your
Chad: Roomba to protect your house and keep it
Chad: clean All right.
Bo: Quick note make movie called Roomba side
Bo: Termo.
Chad: Roomba no the.
Bo: Roomba nader, now Roomba with a view.
Bo: That's the more romantic one.
Bo: Roomba cop.
Bo: Roomba cop is not bad.
Bo: Hey Sleazebag, roomba, hey Sleazebag.
Bo: I'm stuck on this small wooden ledge
Bo: separating the hallway from the bathroom.
Bo: How about you?
Bo: Give a Roomba a hand, will you?
Bo: Can you fly Roomba?
Chad: We come back to furniture king, and things
Chad: have escalated quickly because Rick, you
Chad: know one of the two married people.
Chad: He's presumably just naked in a bed bow
Chad: that is for sale to people in this very
Chad: tiny furniture store, and his wife, Linda.
Chad: She sachets out wearing her panties and bra
Chad: combo.
Chad: Keep in mind, this furniture store doesn't
Chad: have separate room, it's just one big room
Chad: with furniture in it and the size of a
Chad: 7-Eleven.
Chad: And then Linda comes out, she leaps onto
Chad: Rick and then these two start grinding.
Chad: The camera just slowly pans over and here
Chad: are Greg and Susie who are on a couch.
Chad: That's just right over there, Bo, it's
Chad: right there.
Chad: Reach out your fingers, you can touch.
Chad: Greg says hey, you smell like pepperoni.
Chad: She's like why would you say that?
Chad: And he's like don't worry, I like pepperoni.
Chad: Let's get naked and have sex on this couch
Chad: that someone might buy tomorrow, While our
Chad: friends have sex over there on that bed
Chad: that someone also might buy tomorrow.
Bo: One of the weirdest moments in a movie
Bo: filled with a lot of weird little moments
Bo: is as Susie is stripping.
Bo: She starts humming some inappropriately
Bo: peppy tune as she is stripping.
Chad: I think she's humming Street Walking,
Chad: street Walking.
Chad: Sure probably, so Got to be home street,
Chad: street walking, then the camera keeps
Chad: panning.
Bo: Yes, let's keep going.
Bo: What else is happening?
Bo: And now Mike and Leslie are also on a
Bo: nearby couch with a sheet thrown over them
Bo: and they're getting into some uncomfortably
Bo: close fucking.
Chad: As the camera pans over, it goes past a box
Chad: of better cheddar snack crackers.
Chad: I was like, do they still make better
Chad: cheddar snack crackers?
Chad: Because our house is a Cheez-It's household,
Chad: we also certainly partake of goldfish brand
Chad: cheddar crackers as well, but not so much
Chad: the better cheddar crackers.
Bo: Oh look who's fancy, While we have goldfish
Bo: in our house we don't know anything about
Bo: better cheddar.
Chad: What does that say about me?
Chad: We're panning across these three couples in
Chad: various states of dress and sex and I'm
Chad: like, hey, is that better cheddar crackers?
Chad: They still make those.
Chad: Hold on, let me get an internet.
Chad: Well, they do.
Bo: I just not been looking.
Chad: Oh my God, no to self by better cheddar
Chad: crackers.
Bo: Yeah, sure that camera is uncomfortably
Bo: close to her nipples, but I've got
Bo: important information to sort out here
Bo: which is can I and, more to the point,
Bo: should I invest some time and money into
Bo: getting some better cheddars in my mouth?
Chad: Is that a can of melon flavored Hawaiian
Chad: punch in the background?
Chad: I believe it Do.
Chad: They make that?
Chad: They do, but you have to buy direct from
Chad: the manufacturer.
Bo: Oh my God, that's a 64 ounce bottle of Ecto
Bo: Cooler.
Bo: Hang on a second oh, oh wait, you can make
Bo: your own.
Bo: Guess who's having better cheddars and Ecto
Bo: Cooler this weekend?
Chad: The movie eventually pans over to Ferdy the
Chad: nerdy and Allison, our final girl, and
Chad: they're innocently watching the 1965 black
Chad: and white movie Attack of the Crab Monster,
Chad: which may or may not be an intentional
Chad: choice, as our three kill bots also have
Chad: pinchers on their hands, like crabs.
Bo: Chad.
Bo: Let me just say here is why it's an
Bo: appropriate choice.
Bo: Roger Corman owned it and it was free to
Bo: put it in the movie.
Chad: I was just trying to give credit where
Chad: credit wasn't due.
Chad: In this movie, something scary happens and
Chad: it causes Allison to jump into the arms of
Chad: Ferdy because she needs a big, strong man
Chad: to protect her.
Chad: And in the background you see a socially
Chad: distant orgy taking place.
Chad: These three other couples are full on
Chad: having sex in the background.
Bo: Absolutely.
Chad: Just think about how uncomfortable it is to
Chad: be in the real world, around people making
Chad: out, you know, like at a party or if you're
Chad: in a movie theater, like you've been
Chad: somewhere and you see like this is awkward.
Chad: Imagine that times three and they're having
Chad: sex Like that's insane.
Bo: I would be slowly pulling the sheet back to
Bo: reveal them in totem, Just to get a look
Bo: like hey, if you're going to be fucking
Bo: around me, I want to see the full.
Chad: I'm leaving.
Chad: I'm like I'm out of here.
Chad: I don't want the smells to start to mix.
Chad: I might throw up.
Chad: I've got my camera out.
Bo: My phone is recording this.
Bo: I'm arranging lights around them.
Bo: I'm going to turn this into a real, like
Bo: only fans kind of situation.
Chad: Ferdy offers Allison some wine and she's
Chad: like Ferdy, are you trying to get me drunk?
Chad: And Ferdy's like no, I just thought to a
Chad: nice girl like you might be thirsty.
Chad: You know this is my uncle's furniture store
Chad: and you know Greg set me up with you and
Chad: you know I wouldn't tell about this sex
Chad: orgy going on to anybody because I didn't
Chad: anticipate he'd set me up with someone as
Chad: pretty as you.
Chad: Please don't tell my uncle.
Chad: And orgy happened in this building.
Chad: And then in the background, one of these
Chad: women just starts having a very loud orgasm
Chad: like you do yes, or maybe it was one of the
Chad: guys who just really gets high pitched
Chad: whenever someone milks the bull.
Chad: Then Ferdy says hey, allison, maybe I
Chad: should take you home.
Chad: The mall's security gates are going to be
Chad: closing in about an hour.
Chad: And then the film cuts to the TV screen
Chad: where we see the finale of Attack of the
Chad: Crab Monster and the words the end, making
Chad: it the second time in this film that the
Chad: filmmakers gave us the viewing audience and
Chad: out to turn off this movie or leave the
Chad: theater and go about our more productive
Chad: lives.
Bo: But we didn't know.
Bo: And then we cut over chat to legendary B
Bo: movie sable, Dick Miller.
Chad: He was in Heart Beeps.
Chad: This is a heartbeaps reunion though it kind
Chad: of is.
Chad: You're right.
Chad: We got Crime Buster Junior and we got those
Chad: racist weirdos through a house party in
Chad: Heart Beeps and we got Dick Miller.
Bo: It's practically Heart Beeps too, and,
Bo: honestly, a hundred percent more
Bo: entertaining.
Bo: It's a prequel to Heart Beeps.
Bo: This is how that couple rose to prominence
Bo: and got that fancy house.
Chad: That's right, and it's also how they
Chad: recognize the robots.
Bo: That's it.
Chad: Dick Miller.
Chad: He's a janitor in this and he's mopping the
Chad: floor of the mall with a liquid that
Chad: appears to be spoiled chocolate milk.
Bo: Yes, some other janitors roll up on them
Bo: and they give him some shit about a thing.
Chad: They're drinking, bo, they're drinking
Chad: beers walking around the mall, I was like
Chad: is that what happens when the mall closed?
Chad: Then what happened when I worked at the
Chad: mall?
Chad: Just, people are having orgies in the
Chad: furniture store and the janitors walk
Chad: around.
Bo: Mold janitors are their own breed man.
Bo: They are the greasers of the mall just
Bo: living on by their own rules.
Bo: One time I was hanging out, you might have
Bo: been part of this.
Chad: I was hanging out with you, or our friend
Chad: Ben, the one who stole stuff all the time.
Chad: Somewhere I don't know where these came
Chad: from, but somebody had a handful of
Chad: pornographic magazines and we're like 16,
Chad: 17.
Chad: I was like what can we do with these?
Chad: It'd be pretty entertaining.
Chad: So we tore out the centerfolds from them
Chad: and we went to the mall I tell this story
Chad: because I feel sorry for the janitors who
Chad: had to take care of what's going to happen
Chad: and we went into the public bathrooms and
Chad: we took the centerfolds and we creased them
Chad: up the middle and set them up on the back
Chad: of the toilet.
Chad: Were you part of?
Bo: this shenanigan?
Bo: I don't think so.
Chad: And we set them up on the back of the
Chad: toilet.
Chad: But before we did all of that, we went into
Chad: the makeup section of a larger department
Chad: store and we filled up our hands with white
Chad: lotion and took it all in and then we
Chad: proceeded to just spider web this white
Chad: lotion all over these centerfolds in the
Chad: toilets, propped up and then left and just
Chad: laughed our asses.
Bo: It's funny, because like lotion really
Bo: looks.
Bo: Nothing like cum.
Bo: My.
Bo: God, maybe you're doing it wrong, I don't
Bo: know.
Bo: It's more red because of the blood Wait.
Chad: It's pink.
Bo: Right, it's got to kind of a pinkish frothy
Bo: quality.
Chad: And then, and you know what happened the
Chad: very next day, when I looked at the
Chad: headline of the local newspaper in our
Chad: hometown it read Bull milkers strike again
Chad: at local mall bull milkers terrorizing
Chad: society for the past 40 years.
Bo: The janitors are giving some shit about
Bo: getting locked in the mall overnight at one
Bo: point or something.
Bo: Yeah, again, it's like this tease of a
Bo: backstory that is unnecessary and not
Bo: filled in enough, so you're just left
Bo: wondering like so what happened to Dick
Bo: Miller.
Chad: He got locked in the mall and they had to
Chad: let him out the next day or something.
Chad: I don't know.
Bo: There's a whole movie that we just don't
Bo: ever see.
Bo: About this, it's like home alone.
Chad: just less entertaining, it's the draft
Chad: script of career opportunities involving
Chad: Dick Miller running around a mall screaming
Chad: hello, can you get me out of here?
Bo: I don't have my medication or the first
Bo: draft of die hard, like we have no idea it
Bo: could have been anything.
Bo: And he says, yeah, I'll be out of here at
Bo: 10 minutes, don't you worry about it.
Bo: And they're trucking off and he's just
Bo: seething and muttering to himself, as I
Bo: assume Dick Miller did a lot in real life.
Chad: And then a killbot rolls up, knocks over
Chad: the mop and bucket full of thick brown
Chad: liquid and the killbot says may I see your
Chad: identification badge please Like?
Chad: Oh, such polite killbots, your parents
Chad: would be so proud.
Chad: And then Dick Miller before he can show his
Chad: badge, the robot fires a wire into the mop
Chad: water and then it electrocutes Dick Miller
Chad: to death.
Bo: At first it just knocks the bucket over,
Bo: now he bumps.
Chad: He bumps into the bucket and then it fires
Chad: the electrodes Right.
Bo: So it kind of sets up the whole thing.
Bo: But before it fires the electrode, Dick
Bo: Miller is giving it some shit for like, oh,
Bo: you knocked over that bucket, Stupid robot
Bo: can't do nothing.
Bo: And then it fires the thing and just zaps
Bo: him and he collapses like smoke curling out
Bo: of his mouth, which leads to a visual gag
Bo: of Leslie back in the furniture fuck store
Bo: saying boy, I sure could use a smoke.
Chad: I guess I didn't catch that either time I
Chad: watch this, but I'm proud of myself for
Chad: saying that.
Chad: Mike the douchebag is then sent down to go
Chad: buy her some cigarettes from the vending
Chad: machine, but before he leaves, leslie says
Chad: oh, mike, hurry back.
Chad: And she pulls the covers down, exposing her
Chad: breast, which, by the way, during this
Chad: whole scene, mike the douchebag was topless
Chad: as well.
Chad: As I mentioned earlier, there's a lot of
Chad: nipples in this movie, you know.
Bo: I feel like they just got done fucking and
Bo: her just showing a breast.
Bo: Is it the inspiration that I think she
Bo: thinks?
Chad: it is.
Chad: I think he left because he didn't want to
Chad: sit there and listen to her.
Bo: Yeah, Well, and he tells her like hey,
Bo: there's a pack of camels by the register
Bo: and she's like you know, I only smoked
Bo: Virgin lights.
Bo: He's like, ah, Christ, all right.
Bo: So he grabs his badge, just in case he runs
Bo: into a kill, and he finds the cigarette
Bo: machine which, by the way, a buck 25 for a
Bo: pack of smokes in 1986, chad, that an eight
Bo: year old could purchase that a five year
Bo: old could purchase.
Bo: Nobody was looking, nobody cared.
Chad: Oh, those were the days, man I found a pack
Chad: of candy cigarettes in a store not too long
Chad: ago.
Chad: I bought them, gave me my kid smoke up.
Bo: He's like this looks terrible.
Bo: Well, how about these?
Bo: It's real cigarettes.
Bo: Try that.
Chad: He's by the cigarette machine and then a
Chad: payphone behind him rings and Mike answers
Chad: it and he says no, Jamal, there are no
Chad: messages for you.
Chad: And he hangs up and all I could think was
Chad: what was the other part of this
Chad: conversation?
Chad: Hi, this is Jamal.
Chad: Are there any messages for me?
Bo: Oh, thanks, Click another movie that is
Bo: happening outside the borders of the movie
Bo: we're watching that.
Bo: I am kind of curious about the Dick Miller
Bo: movie.
Chad: Whatever's going on with Kilbot control
Chad: room like a real Rosencrantz and
Chad: Guildenstern, like it's some sort of
Chad: anthology that's just dancing around the
Chad: fringes of this particular film.
Bo: Who is Jamal?
Bo: Why does he have this guy's number?
Bo: It's all told out of order.
Bo: Like Pulp Fiction, you just cut back to
Bo: John Travolta sitting on a toilet in the
Bo: mall bathroom.
Bo: You're like wait a second.
Bo: What's going on again?
Bo: I thought he was already dead.
Bo: Any of you fucking Kilbot smooth?
Bo: I'll accept it.
Bo: Cute.
Bo: Every last mother fucking one of you.
Chad: So after he hangs up the phone, a Kilbot
Chad: rolls up and says show me your
Chad: identification.
Chad: And Mike pulls out his ID and shows it to
Chad: the Kilbot and he says flat two correct and
Chad: not two.
Chad: And it's this jumbled reference to the day
Chad: the earth stood still.
Chad: And then the Kilbot just shoots Mike with a
Chad: sleeping dart.
Chad: It's real.
Chad: Oh, there comes the day.
Chad: And then out comes the claw.
Chad: So you're like oh, mike's eating it.
Chad: Leslie decides to get up and put on a shirt
Chad: and she walks out into the mall and she's
Chad: shouting out for Mike.
Chad: She's like Mike, mike, mike the douchebag,
Chad: are you there?
Chad: And then the movie cuts back to Ferdy the
Chad: Nerdy and Allison, our final girl, and
Chad: they're still on couch watching TV while
Chad: Rick and Linda continue to have sex in the
Chad: bed behind them.
Chad: And Ferdy's like what's up with these two?
Chad: All they do is fight and have sex.
Chad: Like when were they fighting?
Bo: Somewhere around the time that Vincent Vega
Bo: was taken.
Bo: Uma Thurman out on the date.
Chad: And then Allison says to Ferdy, thanks for
Chad: not trying to have sex with me, you're one
Chad: of the good ones.
Bo: No, I'm just homosexual, that's okay.
Bo: I feel like you don't know what that means.
Bo: Of course, you do you silly, so do you want
Bo: to blow job?
Bo: Or no, no, no, you don't understand I.
Bo: I'm just not attracted to women, because
Bo: I'm not attracted to women either.
Chad: We have a lot in common.
Bo: How about I just sit on your lap and wiggle
Bo: around and see what happens?
Bo: Nothing, nothing is going to happen.
Bo: You're silly.
Chad: Anyway, we come back to Leslie, who's going
Chad: to the cigarette machine and she's wearing
Chad: her Playboy Bunny brand panties with the
Chad: little Playboy Bunny ears on the ass.
Bo: She goes to the cigarette machine.
Bo: Doesn't see that Mike is just leaning
Bo: against the wall on the other side of said
Bo: cigarette machine?
Chad: Yeah, his legs are sticking out in the
Chad: light.
Bo: I mean, these are clearly Mike shaped legs
Bo: and finally she notices she's like oh my
Bo: God, Mike, and she pulls him forward and
Bo: she sees that his neck is slit and starts
Bo: pumping blood out.
Chad: She takes off running and in a killbot
Chad: shows up and gives chase, not even giving
Chad: her a chance to show her ID, and this
Chad: killbot bow starts firing pink Star Wars
Chad: brand laser beams at her, but it's Star
Chad: Wars stormtrooper level accuracy.
Bo: Well, it's moving, you know that's fair,
Bo: and so is she.
Chad: So, yeah, that's that's hard, but it does
Chad: shoot her in the ass, which is pretty down
Chad: she goes, but she makes it back to
Chad: Furniture King as all of her sex loving
Chad: peers look out the front window and bow.
Chad: What happens next.
Bo: This thing fires a laser beam at her head
Bo: and it explodes like a watermelon with an
Bo: M80 shoved in it.
Bo: It is pretty great.
Chad: It's like scanners, I mean yeah, when
Chad: you're watching this movie because nothing
Chad: like this has happened so far it kind of
Chad: feels like a modern day PG 13 film like, oh,
Chad: they're going to pull their punches in her
Chad: head, boom.
Bo: Just blows up.
Bo: It's pretty good.
Bo: And then we see another killbot coming down
Bo: the hallway and everybody in the furniture
Bo: store is freaking out.
Bo: They blast through the glass doors and just
Bo: start shooting up the place.
Chad: I like that the second killbot blasts blue
Chad: Star Wars brand laser beams and the first
Chad: one has pink colored Star Wars brand laser
Chad: beams when they're shooting them around.
Chad: That you could hire these killbots for a
Chad: gender reveal party, like, if they shoot a
Chad: pink laser and you kill somebody, it's a
Chad: girl.
Chad: If they shoot a blue laser and they kill
Chad: somebody, it's a boy.
Chad: Isn't that fun?
Bo: And it would be about as safe as your
Bo: regular gender reveal party.
Bo: We only had one exploding head in this
Bo: gender reveal party, not a wildfire that
Bo: displaced thousands.
Chad: I listened to a podcast called the Decoder
Chad: Ring and they tell the secret history of
Chad: things and why they happened.
Chad: And they did one on gender reveal parties
Chad: and it all started with a single patient
Chad: zero of a woman who made a cake and did a
Chad: gender reveal at her home and it was
Chad: published in this soon to be mommy magazine
Chad: that was subscribed to by pretty much every
Chad: obstetrician's office in America.
Chad: And they did this one little feature story
Chad: and because every mom to be read about it,
Chad: it just took off no pun intended like
Chad: wildfire.
Chad: And the interview with the woman she was
Chad: just like I regret ever doing that.
Chad: She's like this is all my fault, the more
Chad: you know.
Bo: Sort of like the guy who invented the
Bo: shopping mall of like.
Bo: I unreservedly reject the fact that I
Bo: invented this.
Bo: I fucked up.
Bo: I am so sorry.
Bo: Yes, my bad.
Bo: I was trying to do something good and I
Bo: fucked up.
Bo: Isn't that how most things go?
Bo: That is the title of my autobiography.
Bo: I was trying to do the right thing and I
Bo: fucked up.
Bo: I was telling a kid today at school because
Bo: I mold young mindshad.
Bo: They were like man, I keep trying to do
Bo: good and I always get my own way.
Bo: First of all, that's good self-awareness.
Bo: Second of all, welcome to life where you're
Bo: just constantly trying to do the right
Bo: thing and do good and you just end up
Bo: fucking it up for yourself.
Bo: I mean, I put it slightly less profane than
Bo: that.
Bo: But I told him like hey, that is 100% the
Bo: rest of your days.
Bo: Get used to that feeling.
Chad: Back in our movie the Killbots.
Chad: They blast through the front doors of
Chad: furniture King and everybody.
Chad: Inside are remaining six living humans.
Chad: They all rush to the back room.
Chad: It appears that they're safe for a moment,
Chad: and then Ferdy tries to call for help.
Chad: But doesn't he know that phones don't work
Chad: in horror movies?
Chad: No, that's not going to happen.
Chad: So then suddenly it's midnight and the
Chad: whole mall goes on lockdown as the metal
Chad: doors closed on this facility.
Chad: And I thought I can end this movie right
Chad: now.
Chad: Just start pulling fire alarms.
Bo: That's a great idea, and you're done.
Chad: The phones don't work.
Chad: Yeah, keep pulling fire alarms.
Bo: They'll show up, but instead Chad.
Bo: What happens is that Allison is like hey,
Bo: how about we all get up in this air duct?
Bo: And the plan is, chad, we're going to climb
Bo: through the air ducts, take that to the
Bo: parking level and get in the cars and get
Bo: out of there, which isn't the worst idea or
Bo: fire alarms.
Chad: But are the fire alarms in the air duct?
Chad: We'll go find them All right, have at it,
Chad: ladies.
Bo: Also the kill box shed, who are outfitted
Bo: with some sort of plastic explosive.
Bo: Yes are about to blow open the door.
Bo: Apparently, that's just a bonus you get if
Bo: you order three.
Bo: Yeah, you also get the plastic explosives.
Bo: You got the security door.
Chad: You got the three kill box.
Chad: Now you got an option.
Chad: Do you want different colored lasers?
Chad: No upcharge.
Chad: Yes, pink and blue.
Chad: Got it All right.
Chad: Now another question Do you want focused
Chad: laser functionality, a lot like what you
Chad: see in your supermans that have?
Chad: That's a yes.
Chad: With that you're also going to get the
Chad: plastic explosive squirts.
Chad: A tiny little of dollop, kind of looks like
Chad: somebody milked a bull.
Chad: Then they fill it up with a long wire,
Chad: knocks down a door.
Bo: Aren't they try to prevent doors from being
Bo: knocked down?
Bo: And you're viewing this the wrong way.
Chad: A criminal taken off the streets is a
Chad: criminal that is not on the streets.
Chad: They're not called kill bots on accident.
Chad: We sell them is that?
Chad: They're just going to patrol and call the
Chad: cops?
Chad: They're going to murder everybody.
Bo: I don't know why I would want it, then why
Bo: wouldn't you?
Chad: want it.
Bo: Because we have just regular people come to
Bo: the mall, have you ever seen someone killed
Bo: in front of you?
Chad: and then you get a murder boner.
Chad: It's the greatest feeling in the world.
Bo: I love other brochure.
Bo: They've got bullet points of why you should
Bo: pop these killbots, additional security
Bo: security doors if you buy two multicolored
Bo: lasers murder psychological aphrodisiac.
Chad: What does that mean?
Chad: Oh, you'll find out, buddy.
Chad: You want these things in action.
Chad: Man, it's going to be high noon.
Chad: You know what I'm saying.
Bo: Oh my God, I love it so much.
Chad: It's also crazy how close we are to the end
Chad: of this movie.
Chad: It's almost over.
Bo: So the guys end up having to run while the
Bo: girls are in the ducks because the killbots
Bo: blow their way into the place.
Chad: Jesus, it's the killbots.
Bo: Feets don't fail me now and the girls are
Bo: starting to really sweat it out in the
Bo: vents and Suzy is having a good old
Bo: fashioned freak out in there.
Bo: Where he's like oh my God, my boyfriend
Bo: needs me.
Bo: And they're like Suzy, what the fuck are
Bo: you talking about?
Bo: We're almost out of here.
Bo: All we got to do is keep going and we're
Bo: going to get out of here.
Bo: Oh man, those robots must turn on the heat.
Bo: They know we're in here.
Bo: Yeah, Suzy, shut the fuck up, William.
Chad: Chill out, baby, chill out, all right, be
Chad: cool, be cool.
Chad: Be cool like Fonzie.
Chad: What's Fonzie?
Bo: like Suzy.
Bo: Cool correct.
Bo: A.
Bo: Mundo.
Bo: Meanwhile, the guys are hoofing it to Peck
Bo: and Paw Sporting Goods.
Bo: I get it for guns.
Chad: See Heston Second Amendment.
Bo: Emporium Right Hunter S Thompson shopping
Bo: mall.
Chad: It's very subtle and so they end up having
Chad: to bust the glass to get in in this place
Chad: is just ceiling to floor with automatic
Chad: weapons and shotguns, ammunition all open
Chad: to the public, like you can just take it
Chad: off the shelf, load it up and start
Chad: murdering people.
Chad: Like from a modern perspective, it is
Chad: shocking that there are this many guns and
Chad: bullets.
Chad: But what's even more shocking is this was
Chad: probably pretty accurate.
Bo: Absolutely.
Bo: I also like the fact that there are several
Bo: propane tanks that you can use, because you
Bo: know why would you want a gun without an
Bo: explosive of some kind?
Chad: This feels like a level of from Left 4 Dead
Chad: 2.
Chad: Yes, you know, chopping mall like oh, I get
Chad: it.
Chad: So it's zombies and robots Interesting.
Bo: And so Rick is like we're going to send
Bo: those fuckers a Rambo Graham.
Bo: And you're like, oh right, 80s, Of course
Bo: everybody had a Rambo joke.
Chad: How awesome would it be to get a Rambo
Chad: Graham when?
Speaker 3: he's like I heard it was your birthday,
Speaker 3: another day older.
Speaker 3: I want you to know that death is coming and
Speaker 3: there's nothing you can do.
Speaker 3: Maybe you're wondering do you get to win
Speaker 3: this time?
Speaker 3: Yeah, they drew first, but will you get to
Speaker 3: win this time?
Speaker 3: Happy birthday, jeanette.
Bo: All right, do you get to make a wish this
Bo: time?
Bo: Yeah, you do, because it's your birthday.
Speaker 3: Let's just remember to survive a birthday.
Speaker 3: You got to become a birthday.
Speaker 3: I don't know what that means, but a happy
Speaker 3: birthday, deborah, all right.
Bo: Then Richard Crita shows up in the corner.
Bo: He's a birthday machine.
Bo: We made him that way.
Chad: You ever go to cameo and look at how much
Chad: celebrities are hawking their whatever
Chad: broader personality and voice and whatever
Chad: to people?
Chad: Not one time Chad.
Chad: It's an awesome game.
Chad: You got to go in, get somebody you know and
Chad: love and you just start throwing out names
Chad: and figuring out how much they charge for a
Chad: cameo.
Bo: Although I've never been on the website
Bo: cameo once, and I'm not.
Bo: That's not saying that there's anything
Bo: wrong with it.
Bo: I should.
Bo: I just never have.
Bo: But someone I know got a cameo from the
Bo: kids in the halls Kevin McDonald, uh-huh,
Bo: and it was fucking epic.
Bo: Kevin McDonald went all in on it.
Bo: It wasn't just a I'm going through the
Bo: motions, he went full Kevin McDonald on it
Bo: and it was a thing of beauty.
Chad: But you're recording like a minute.
Chad: Oh here, all right, right now ready.
Chad: Dean Norris from Breaking Bad Uh-huh.
Chad: How much is he charging for a cameo?
Chad: Do you think a hundred bucks, 200 bucks?
Chad: Okay, all right.
Chad: John O'Hurley from Seinfeld and some game
Chad: shows and, I'm sure, something else.
Bo: What's he charged?
Bo: Oh okay, All right.
Bo: John O'Hurley 150 bucks, 200 bucks.
Chad: Fred Stoller.
Chad: Remember Fred Stoller, the state of
Chad: comedian.
Chad: What's he charging?
Bo: 250, 35 bucks.
Bo: What you can't afford.
Bo: Not to get a cameo from Fred Stoller at
Bo: those prices.
Chad: It is one of the best games ever to go
Chad: through and just look at these people and
Chad: to see like who is so not desperate for
Chad: cash.
Chad: I get it Like this is doing Comic-cons
Chad: without having to go anywhere.
Chad: Joel McHale 250 bucks is the going rate
Chad: right now.
Chad: What?
Chad: Yeah, that's not terrible.
Chad: The guy who played one of those twins,
Chad: lewis Moncada I don't know which one of the
Chad: twins he was he's a hundred bucks to wish
Chad: people a happy birthday.
Chad: Dave Foley is charging a hundred bucks from
Chad: the kids in the hall.
Chad: I saw him do one where he did the full
Chad: soliloquy of being the worst doctor in the
Chad: world.
Chad: That's fantastic.
Chad: When I search for Dave Foley, mick Foley,
Chad: professional wrestler, came up.
Chad: His is a hundred and forty nine bucks.
Chad: It's crazy man.
Chad: It's a blast to go through and play.
Chad: Who costs more this person?
Chad: That person Is Henry Rollins on there.
Bo: There's no way but hold on.
Bo: No, all right, that makes sense.
Bo: I don't know why he would ever do that, but
Bo: I would also love I can't imagine that he
Bo: would do it.
Chad: The most expensive cameos that are out
Chad: there right now Kevin O'Leary, the guy from
Chad: Shark Tank.
Chad: He wants $1,500.
Bo: Oh go fuck yourself, Okay yeah.
Chad: He took the words out of my mouth on that.
Chad: There's a bunch of iced tea.
Chad: He wants 600 bucks.
Chad: Nope, robert England, 500 bucks.
Bo: I get that one.
Chad: Don Johnson 500 bucks.
Chad: No, it's crazy man, but the bad thing is is
Chad: that once you go to cameo and you noodle
Chad: around for a little bit, all of your social
Chad: media and targeted advertising across
Chad: websites is going to be 100 percent cameo
Chad: for the next six months.
Bo: Yeah, that's fine, you're going to use that
Bo: money on bullshit anyway.
Bo: Why not get Eric Roberts to tell you what a
Bo: good job you're doing?
Bo: That's why I need Kevin McDonald is I just
Bo: need Kevin McDonald to give me a pep talk,
Bo: and whatever he's charging, it ain't enough.
Bo: And then every time I'm feeling a little
Bo: blue, chad right, you know, you're an evil.
Chad: Evil Y boy right or just like.
Chad: Hey man, I know you've had a really rough
Chad: time your illness and your family having
Chad: financial problems but I got you a two
Chad: minute video recording of Ernie Hudson
Chad: doling out some pearls of wisdom.
Bo: Great, great.
Bo: He's the best Ghostbuster, but he didn't do
Bo: nothing.
Bo: But he's still Ghostbuster.
Bo: Let's finish this.
Chad: Oh yeah, yeah.
Chad: They're all strapped up with guns and ammo.
Chad: They've got like crisscross ammunition on
Chad: their chest.
Chad: It's all ridiculous.
Bo: Just firing bullets wildly into the air,
Bo: chad.
Bo: That's how they draw the attention of the
Bo: killbots.
Bo: And sure enough, one comes around the
Bo: corner and they get in a good old fashioned
Bo: gunfight.
Bo: Where it's shooting lasers, they're
Bo: shooting bullets.
Chad: The bullets don't really have much of an
Chad: effect.
Bo: They throw a propane tank at it, yeah, and
Bo: then they shoot that and the thing goes up
Bo: like a Roman fucking candle, yeah, and
Bo: you're like, oh, that's one down, two to go,
Bo: but don't get so confident.
Bo: But first we got to cut back to the beds,
Bo: where Susie is still freaking out is like
Bo: Greg needs me and they're like Susie, would
Bo: you shut?
Chad: the fuck up.
Chad: That's it, I'm leaving.
Chad: And so she just kicks through an air vent
Chad: and drops down into one of the stores, and
Chad: Allison and Linda they follow suit.
Bo: It turns out they're in a Sherman Williams,
Bo: I'm guessing paint store, and then the guys
Bo: decide, hey, we need to go get somewhere
Bo: those propane tanks that worked pretty good,
Bo: we need some propane or some butans.
Bo: One of them and Greg's like wait, I've got
Bo: an awful, evil, wonderful idea.
Bo: While he's taken off, susie is determined
Bo: to go find the guys and the girls decided
Bo: like well, we're going to arm up to yeah.
Bo: And so they're grabbing anything that they
Bo: can use for a weapon.
Bo: And then you see Chad, one of the kill bots,
Bo: just kind of backs into this little alcove
Bo: and powers down like he, he, he, they'll
Bo: never.
Bo: So while that thing's hiding, the guys are
Bo: trying to pry open this elevator.
Chad: Yeah, it's a stuck elevator.
Chad: I'm like what's your plan here?
Chad: To get inside and be trapped?
Bo: We'll get to that.
Bo: And then nerdy Ferdy is like hey guys, do
Bo: you think that the kill bots can read our
Bo: minds?
Bo: And they're like what?
Bo: No, what are you talking about?
Bo: He's like I don't know.
Bo: I guess they could just do lots of stuff,
Bo: and I was wondering if they could do that
Bo: too.
Bo: But you just shut up.
Bo: You're not helping anything.
Bo: Linda then shows them how to make some
Bo: Molotov cocktails out of gas containers and
Bo: rags, which seems self-evident to me, but
Bo: everyone seems real surprised.
Bo: Like a combination of gasoline and rags.
Chad: Huh, I like that these gas cans are full of
Chad: gasoline and on the store shelf of a mall,
Chad: yeah Well this is the same.
Bo: All that has like fully armed M16s and
Bo: explosives.
Bo: Allison stashes a road flare down her shirt
Bo: in the midst of all this, which will come
Bo: into play later.
Chad: At least the movie's phoning that in and I
Chad: was like what is the name of this store?
Chad: Like Pyromaniacs are us, yeah.
Chad: And when she tucks it into her bra you're
Chad: like, oh OK, I get it, we're going to.
Chad: And I just want to say this reminded me a
Chad: little bit of that first toy story, but I
Chad: absolutely adore that movie.
Chad: And when Woody takes the matchstick and
Chad: puts it into his pistol holster and you're
Chad: like, oh, he's going to use it at the end
Chad: of the movie.
Chad: And when he strikes it to light, that
Chad: rocket and that car immediately blows it
Chad: out.
Chad: It's such great writing, it's such a head
Chad: fake to lead you down this alleyway and
Chad: then to just sucker punch you in a
Chad: direction you don't see coming.
Chad: I adore that.
Chad: It's pretty good, original toy story, good
Chad: movie and I will happily debate that.
Chad: I think Toy Story 2 is a superior film.
Bo: Hmm, it's good, it's good.
Bo: I think the whole original trilogy is quite
Bo: good.
Chad: I saw that fourth one.
Chad: I don't remember anything about it.
Bo: As far as I'm concerned, Toy Story ends
Bo: with all of those toys holding hands and
Bo: writing that shoot down into hell.
Bo: That is where the movie ends for me.
Bo: I stop it right there.
Chad: You just turned it off and you're like well,
Chad: there we go.
Bo: That is the end of the toys, and a fitting
Bo: end.
Bo: They all told each other how they felt
Bo: about each other.
Bo: They had some closure in their
Bo: relationships and then they all died, and
Bo: that's fine.
Chad: My son came to me and asked me what would
Chad: happen if you left a crucifix with the Toy
Chad: Story toys.
Chad: I was like I don't know.
Bo: That's interesting.
Bo: You're going to walk in and it's going to
Bo: be upside down.
Bo: That's for begin season.
Chad: I'm sure he read these online.
Chad: He came to me and he said if one of the Toy
Chad: Story toys died, and then Andy comes in,
Chad: like is he just playing with a corpse?
Chad: Like do they get rid of it?
Chad: You're all about valid questions.
Chad: I like where his head's at and you know
Chad: what.
Chad: Like father likes son, what happens if you
Chad: take one of those real dolls and throw it
Chad: in the Toy Story?
Bo: room.
Bo: Well, it's a pregnant.
Chad: It has a Mr Potato Head son I read a story
Chad: on the internet the other day about this
Chad: guy who came into a house and he was an EMT
Chad: or something like that, because a dude had
Chad: died in the house and they took out his
Chad: corpse because they knew he was dead
Chad: because of the stink, I'm sure.
Chad: But then the guy who was the EMT or the
Chad: cleaner or whatever, he eyed a real doll in
Chad: the house and he got arrested trying to
Chad: break into the house not once but twice to
Chad: steal this real doll.
Chad: And he did steal it and I'm sure he had sex
Chad: with it.
Chad: But I was like you know what.
Chad: He came up with a plan and he executed on
Chad: it.
Chad: Good for you, perverted weirdo.
Bo: Oh, back in the movie Chad, the kill-bot
Bo: that we thought was blowed up.
Bo: Not blew it up at all, it just gets itself
Bo: back up and is like, oh boy, that sucked.
Bo: Where are those punks?
Chad: It's like every car in Grand Theft Auto
Chad: Just wiggle your stick left and right and
Chad: suddenly we went from being flipped over to
Chad: back on our wheels.
Bo: Ferdy the nerd ends up wiring the elevator
Bo: to work while Greg and Rick are making more
Bo: bombs from these propane tanks.
Bo: But even though he's got it working, he
Bo: can't get it to go up or down, but he can
Bo: open and close the doors of the elevator,
Bo: which seems like a real half measure to me.
Chad: Sure, that's not what we need it to do, but
Chad: go on.
Bo: The girls are going to find the guys and
Bo: the kill-bot that was hiding out,
Bo: hee-hee-hee, comes out of the alcove.
Bo: Susie screams and it goes chasing after her.
Bo: The guys hear this, but while they're
Bo: coming to see what the ruckus is, allison
Bo: tosses one of her Molotov cocktails, but
Bo: the robot just drives through and starts
Bo: firing its lasers again, and so the guys
Bo: are kind of chasing after the sounds of the
Bo: screams, and then Susie falls and, rather
Bo: than even remotely attempt to get up right,
Bo: just lies there and is like no, no, please
Bo: don't shoot the gas can in my hand, which
Bo: is, of course, exactly what the kill-bot
Bo: does, yeah.
Bo: And then Susie is mysteriously replaced by
Bo: a stuntman on fire, yes, who tries to get
Bo: up, and it's kind of gruesome, though, like
Bo: the fact that you see ostensibly Susie,
Bo: although this looks nothing like Susie.
Chad: It's like a 250 pound man who's working for
Chad: scale and a sandwich.
Bo: It's like me in a burn suit.
Bo: Just like slowly get up like oh Christ.
Bo: Oh boy my back will help here.
Bo: We're knocking off for lunch, after this
Bo: right, the cupcakes for anybody.
Bo: Were you concerned that?
Chad: the mall is now on fire.
Chad: I mean, earlier I was talking about pulling
Chad: fire alarms for funsies and to keep you
Chad: alive.
Chad: Here there is a full blown ring of fire six
Chad: to 10 feet across, burning this carpet that
Chad: is completely made of combustible materials
Chad: and a burning corpse beside it.
Bo: Well, I wasn't as worried because ground
Bo: chewing gum just shoved into a carpet
Bo: doesn't burn.
Bo: It's actually flame retardant and so, given
Bo: the amount of just trash and gum and snot
Bo: and semen like all just soaked into this
Bo: carpet, it's not going to burn for long,
Bo: it's going to burn itself out pretty fast.
Chad: For what it's worth it's flame.
Chad: Special needs.
Chad: Oh, I'm sorry.
Chad: Please try to keep up with the times.
Bo: Right, I come from a different generation,
Bo: chad.
Bo: You're right.
Bo: You're right and honestly, I'm glad you
Bo: said something because I want to learn, I
Bo: want to be better.
Chad: I know you do.
Chad: I know you're always working on you,
Chad: because if you're not working on you, how
Chad: are you going to be able to help other
Chad: people work on themselves?
Chad: 100% yeah.
Chad: What are we talking about here?
Bo: Oh, yeah, so now we're down to five.
Bo: Susie dies horribly.
Bo: As far as deaths in this movie go, it's the
Bo: head kidding blown off, mm.
Bo: Hmm, but that's quick.
Bo: This one's slower because you hear
Bo: screaming for a while and it's pretty
Bo: gruesome, and the guys show up, pop off
Bo: some shots and then they finally just start
Bo: running again because the killbots are just
Bo: firing lasers left and right.
Chad: But they do.
Chad: 80s action hero running gun style.
Chad: Yeah, like it's run, run, run, run and then
Chad: turn around like with one arm and like
Chad: Right.
Bo: Yeah, linda, ferdy and Allison are on the
Bo: second level and they lure one of the
Bo: killbots chasing them into the elevator,
Bo: which the guys end up closing the doors
Bo: using their wiring rig, and then Rick pumps
Bo: the elevator with propane, leaps to the
Bo: second floor and the folks on the top floor
Bo: start shooting, but it's Allison who ends
Bo: up having to like, give me that with one of
Bo: the guns.
Bo: Yeah.
Bo: And shoots the tank, which explodes,
Bo: sending it hurtling the elevator as a whole,
Bo: hurtling down the shaft and, one presumes,
Bo: killing the killbot or at least putting it
Bo: in the garage.
Chad: Right or on a level that doesn't have an
Chad: escalator, can ride up stairs.
Chad: The kryptonite of killbots.
Bo: Everyone looks at Allison.
Bo: She's like my dad's Marine what do you want
Bo: me to say?
Bo: And they're like I don't know, but that
Bo: sounds like another movie I would like to
Bo: see, based on half uttered phrases in this
Bo: movie that allude to something more
Bo: interesting outside the frame.
Chad: The team goes back to the restaurant where
Chad: Allison and the late smoldering Susie were,
Chad: where Susie used to work, and Greg is
Chad: drinking another beer, trying to forget the
Chad: smell of his one true love melting into
Chad: that carpet.
Chad: And then Rick and Linda they're at a table
Chad: contemplating life and Linda says according
Chad: to my calculations, provided we survive the
Chad: night, we're going to be in hack to this
Chad: place for the next 85 years.
Chad: Does Linda think they're going to have to
Chad: pay for all the damage they've done?
Bo: What a dummy Rick says well, we're going to
Bo: have to raise our rates and all of this
Bo: makes no sense.
Bo: Like the mall is on the hook to you.
Chad: Right.
Bo: Like you are the one who is about to get a
Bo: really sweet payday.
Bo: Like, if you can survive the killbots, you
Bo: are never going to work another day in your
Bo: life.
Chad: Greg, who's a little drunk.
Chad: He's like why did you leave the air vents?
Chad: You're safe there.
Chad: And Allison's like whoa, whoa, whoa.
Chad: Gregorino, this was Susie's idea to leave.
Chad: Plus, she kept filling up the air vents
Chad: with her post sex farts.
Chad: She told me that she holds them in when you
Chad: do do it and she lets them out afterwards
Chad: and they're rancid.
Chad: She once told me her sex farts made her
Chad: throw up.
Bo: It smelled like eggs, but not real eggs
Bo: like those egg products that some people
Bo: use.
Bo: That's what it smelled like only rotten.
Chad: I know what they smell like.
Chad: She thought she was hiding under the covers,
Chad: but I can always smell it.
Bo: And also it was her dumb idea to come out
Bo: of the vids of the first place.
Bo: Greg, we would be in the parking lot and
Bo: away from here with the police on the way,
Bo: if it weren't for Susie freaking out dummy
Bo: because of you, greg 30 times in.
Chad: Hey guys, wait a minute.
Chad: The master computer is on the third level.
Chad: If we shut that down, it'll shut down the
Chad: killbots, according to the screenplay.
Chad: And then Greg, he's all licked up and he's
Chad: like a computer.
Chad: Let's go crash the fucker worth pointing
Chad: out.
Bo: They only think there's one killbot left
Bo: because they're not aware that the second
Bo: one has gotten up yet.
Chad: I'm glad you brought that up, because that
Chad: doesn't matter, doesn't?
Chad: It's not like they kill the next one.
Chad: They're like shoot, we're safe.
Chad: And then another one shows up, just two
Chad: more show up, and they're like well, how
Chad: about this?
Chad: They don't know that there are three total,
Chad: maybe there's, maybe there's 25.
Bo: Yeah, well, maybe because, chad, they saw
Bo: the colored lasers, they were like, okay,
Bo: they bought three because that's the three
Bo: package, right, and also I saw Dick Miller
Bo: with a murder boner.
Bo: So it's definitely the three killbot
Bo: package.
Chad: So the four remaining characters?
Chad: Is it four or five?
Chad: What do we have?
Bo: It was Greg Ferdy Allison and then Linda
Bo: and Rick.
Bo: Yeah, it is five, you're right.
Chad: They take off running through the mall and
Chad: the killbots give chase.
Chad: The team goes and hides in a women's
Chad: clothing store that has a metal door that
Chad: comes down like it's some Czech cashing
Chad: place in a questionable neighborhood.
Chad: And then the killbots start using their
Chad: Superman laser beams to cut through the
Chad: metal.
Chad: And then our final characters they're
Chad: inside arguing over whether or not they
Chad: should split up, which they probably
Chad: shouldn't.
Chad: But then they all immediately apologize and
Chad: say you know what, guys, it's been a
Chad: stressful day, with all the drinking and
Chad: exhibition, is sex, and now the killbots.
Chad: Plus, we saw one of our friends set on fire
Chad: and another friend bounced off the ground.
Chad: Oh wait, was Greg still alive?
Chad: No, greg gets knocked off the ledge by a
Chad: killbot and he got off the ground.
Chad: That's right.
Chad: So Greg's gone and he leaves the movie
Chad: pretty quick, as noted by the fact that I
Chad: just forgot that it happened.
Bo: So Kelly gets hit in the arm also by a
Bo: laser before they bring the shuttered out.
Bo: Yeah, you're right.
Chad: Are they wondering where Mike and Leslie
Chad: are at all?
Chad: Are they just assuming that they're dead?
Chad: They saw Leslie's head explode, but they
Chad: don't know where Mike is.
Bo: I guess they assume that Mike died in the
Bo: first place, or maybe they just don't care
Bo: for Mike very much.
Chad: I could see that Mike is a real douchebag.
Bo: Maybe he's alive, maybe he ain't.
Bo: Regardless, not our problem.
Chad: The killbots cut through the door of the
Chad: women's clothing shop and before they fully
Chad: enter, allison says if the killbots want
Chad: target practice, let's give them some
Chad: targets.
Chad: And she nods her head over to some
Chad: mannequins.
Chad: We cut to a bunch of mannequins that have
Chad: been set up as decoys, while the fellas are
Chad: just firing their guns at the killbots as
Chad: cover, and the killbots apparently cannot
Chad: discern between mannequin and man.
Chad: And apparently their laser beams bounce off
Chad: mirrors because one of the blue lasers
Chad: ricochets back and shoots one of the
Chad: killbots, making it go all higgledy
Chad: piggledy.
Chad: And then the killbots start spinning around
Chad: and firing laser beams all over the place.
Chad: And one of these shots hits Linda.
Chad: Down goes Linda Mike is she dead or alive,
Chad: who knows?
Chad: And then Rick's like Linda, my wife and
Chad: business partner, who wears sexy lingerie,
Chad: you bastard.
Chad: And then he jumps on this tiny little
Chad: service cart and goes at like top speed of
Chad: seven miles per hour and crashes into the
Chad: killbot and it explodes.
Chad: So Rick and Linda are now dead.
Bo: But Rick at least died destroying one of
Bo: the killbots, so that's not nothing.
Chad: It's like that scene in Austin Powers when
Chad: he's going to get run over by that slow
Chad: moving cart.
Bo: Now only Nerdy, ferdy and Allison are left.
Bo: Yeah, we're down to the final two.
Bo: And he's like it's time to find that
Bo: computer.
Bo: Let's split up.
Bo: It's Allison's idea to split up because I
Bo: think that she's worried that murder boners
Bo: are contagious, and so they wander around
Bo: and Allison gets spooked by some hardware
Bo: that falls out of the ceiling, and then
Bo: there's a comically full closet of duct
Bo: hoses and scrap metal that she opens up.
Bo: Then, finally, a killbot sneaks up on her
Bo: and she screams.
Bo: And then Ferdy comes running and he shoots
Bo: it in the face and it starts moaning about
Bo: like laser malfunction, my eye got shot,
Bo: I'm going to kill you, bitches.
Bo: And then Ferdy, out of bullets, now throws
Bo: the gun at him like he used to see in those
Bo: classic.
Bo: Superman movies.
Bo: Ferdy throws a fire extinguisher at it too,
Bo: and it catches it just throws it right back
Bo: at him and knocks over Ferdy.
Chad: Ferdy catches it like clunk.
Chad: I'm like, is Ferdy dead by getting knocked
Chad: over by?
Bo: a fire extinguisher, he's out for the count,
Bo: at least for a while.
Chad: Allison sees this and she runs off because
Chad: she's our last girl in the movie.
Bo: She bus into a pet store where she hides
Bo: under some puppy bitch, like one of those
Bo: bitches where you sit to hold puppies and
Bo: kiddies and whatnot that you might buy, and
Bo: the killbot is looking for her.
Bo: But she has pulled like some dog food bags
Bo: in front of her.
Bo: And it's being real sneaky.
Chad: Imagine reading this screenplay like you're
Chad: going to make this.
Chad: Oh yeah, you have backing.
Chad: You have financial backing to make this
Chad: movie.
Bo: Uh huh All right After she's hidden behind
Bo: all these dog food bags, the killbot comes
Bo: in and just starts bumping into aquariums,
Bo: knocking over aquariums filled with like
Bo: spiders and snakes.
Chad: It's real simple and doomed.
Chad: We all saw that movie last year.
Chad: We know how this goes.
Bo: That's exactly what I was going to say.
Bo: It is Kate Capschol.
Chad: Yeah, and of course they're crawling all
Chad: over Allison snakes and spiders and whatnot
Chad: until the shot when she gets out from under
Chad: the shelf, and then they're just fake
Chad: rubber spiders that fall off in hilarious
Chad: fashion Also hilarious in this moment, if
Chad: you ask me, the fact that when she gets out,
Chad: the killbot leaves with this like real kind
Chad: of sound you know cause the vacuum cleaner
Chad: function is turned on.
Chad: Sure, did you notice the name of the pet
Chad: shop?
Chad: I did not.
Chad: It's Rogers little shop of pets.
Chad: Oh sure, I think the hat to Mr Corman and
Chad: his directing of little shop of horrors,
Chad: the old black and white one, that's a good
Chad: movie, it's okay.
Bo: And you know that's also Dick Miller as
Bo: well.
Bo: I think he's in there somewhere, I'm sure.
Bo: And Jack Nicholson?
Bo: That's a bar bet you can win.
Bo: Is Jack Nicholson in little shop of horrors?
Bo: Yes, he is.
Bo: It's not a great movie.
Bo: It's interesting to watch.
Bo: It's a fascinating cinematic tidbit.
Bo: It's not a movie you're going to watch for
Bo: entertainment.
Chad: So Allison runs off and the remaining
Chad: killbot I think there's just one left comes
Chad: after and Allison decides to seek safety by
Chad: hanging herself off of the railing three
Chad: stories high in the air.
Chad: I kind of thought Allison was the smart one.
Chad: This is one of the dumbest things I've ever
Chad: seen in a movie.
Bo: Well, she can't hang on forever, chad, no.
Bo: And it's up slipping and crashing into,
Bo: like this big parasol that's been set up.
Bo: And while she's hobbling on the floor
Bo: crawling away, the killbot is heading
Bo: downstairs like haha, got you now Right.
Bo: And then she finds the flare in her boobs.
Chad: Oh yeah, what's this thing jamming me in
Chad: the chest?
Chad: For my three story fall Right and then she
Chad: just head first.
Bo: Chad goes into this paint store.
Chad: Uh huh.
Bo: The glass just head down, charges it like a
Bo: bull.
Chad: Well, she pulls her shirt over her head so
Chad: that she can protect herself as she uses
Chad: her skull to smash through this thing.
Bo: The hardest part of her body.
Bo: She starts just spreading paint and paint
Bo: thinner and stuff all over the place and
Bo: the killbot follows her in and she has done
Bo: an end around and slips outside and says
Bo: have a nice day, like all the killbot say.
Chad: Right, right.
Bo: And then just tosses the flare inside and
Bo: everything in the world explodes.
Chad: It's like a action hero walk away shot.
Chad: I mean the storefront just blows open and
Chad: so she's limping away.
Bo: And then you just hear, hey, and it's Ferdy,
Bo: he's alive, and he's like hey, nice shot.
Bo: And then they run into each other's arms
Bo: and nice shot.
Chad: She didn't shoot anything.
Chad: She threw a lens flare into the paint store.
Chad: Also, ferdy is holding a full toilet paper
Chad: roll that's soaked in blood.
Chad: I hope it's blood, I hope it's his blood,
Chad: it's something he just found in the toilet
Chad: stall like hmm, yeah, let's take this for a
Chad: little bit later, late night fun.
Chad: But yeah, they see each other, they rush
Chad: and they hug and then fade out the end.
Bo: Yep, there is some pretty good shot.
Bo: The shot of them hugging.
Bo: It's kind of a crane shot inside the mall
Bo: and it's one of the better shots of the
Bo: movie.
Chad: Hunter Buck says that that was from a guy
Chad: holding the camera with his hands while his
Chad: buddy held him off the railing wise legs.
Bo: Probably so.
Bo: We pad out the runtime with some sitcom
Bo: style action shots of the primary cast,
Bo: like turning to camera.
Bo: Hey, you caught me in the locker room again.
Chad: It's like the closing credits of police
Chad: Academy, Like they're all just like turning
Chad: around smiling at the camera.
Bo: What are we doing here?
Bo: They're into the movie, but Chad, all
Bo: things being equal, yes, this movie.
Bo: It comes in under 90 minutes.
Chad: It's the shortest movie we've ever reviewed
Chad: on this podcast Without in credits.
Chad: It is at 72 minutes.
Chad: It goes by in a flash.
Bo: There's a pretty good head explosion.
Bo: Mm-hmm.
Bo: The fire effects are pretty good.
Chad: It's silly, it's dumb, it's free on YouTube
Chad: and at least when I watched it, they left
Chad: in all of the nakedness and all of the
Chad: swearing.
Chad: So get while the getting's good.
Bo: You can watch this on any number of
Bo: streaming services.
Bo: If you want to pay a buck or two for it,
Bo: you can do it that way or just watch it for
Bo: free, like I did.
Bo: It's on Plex and Pluto and all those like
Bo: free streaming apps and stuff like that, so
Bo: you can find a decent copy of this to watch
Bo: just about anywhere and it's a pretty fun
Bo: movie.
Bo: It's not great.
Bo: But it's, it's an okay time and it's a
Bo: great party movie where if you have this on
Bo: in the background and you're having a
Bo: couple of beers with some friends and
Bo: you're hanging out kind of bullshitting and
Bo: you can just perk up like, oh my God, look,
Bo: it's her head just exploded.
Bo: Why are they all fucking in the same room?
Bo: I don't know.
Bo: This is all silly and weird.
Bo: It's got that kind of vibe where it's a fun
Bo: excuse to hang out and goof on a movie a
Bo: little bit and it's short enough that it
Bo: doesn't wear out.
Bo: It's welcome.
Bo: It gets to the killbots in plenty of haste
Bo: so you're not sitting around waiting for
Bo: the movie to get started because there's
Bo: just not enough runtime to dick around.
Bo: I think it's not a great movie by any
Bo: stretch, but kind of a good time for a B80s
Bo: horror techno thriller.
Chad: It is what it is and it ain't nothing more.
Chad: Yeah, I want to say that for the big finale
Chad: of this season, we are doing something but
Chad: we have never done in the history of Pixxx
Chad: movies.
Chad: We are going to review a movie that, at the
Chad: time of its recording, will be in theaters.
Bo: Oh, that sounds difficult.
Chad: Well, it's also going to premiere on a
Chad: streaming service.
Chad: We don't have to go see it in a theater.
Chad: Oh, that's much easier.
Chad: Right, I am speaking of the video game
Chad: turned cinematic event five nights at
Chad: Freddy's, a movie inspired by the popular
Chad: pizza chain entertainment franchises of the
Chad: 1980s, including Chuck E Cheese and show
Chad: biz pizza.
Bo: I like at least two of those things.
Chad: Have you played five nights at Freddy's?
Bo: A little bit.
Bo: I played the first game a little bit, yes.
Chad: I watched a full YouTube explanation of the
Chad: five nights at Freddy's canon with my son
Chad: and you talk about fanfiction.
Chad: That is just off the charts.
Chad: It's totally bonkers.
Chad: I don't know how much the movie is going to
Chad: get into that or what else, but my son and
Chad: people of his age like young teenagers.
Chad: I think this movie which no shockers.
Chad: Coming from Bloom House, I think there's
Chad: only three companies that make movies
Chad: anymore.
Chad: It's like Bloom House, disney and Paramount
Chad: and a 24.
Chad: That's it.
Chad: Those are the people making movies anymore.
Chad: Right now in Bloom House got their hooks
Chad: into this one and they're making a movie
Chad: and people are excited.
Bo: I'm mildly interested to see what they make
Bo: of this Again.
Bo: I didn't watch your fancy lore video, but I
Bo: know what I've seen of five nights at
Bo: Freddy's and it seems a little thin in the
Bo: way of story.
Bo: Oh, there's a lot going on.
Bo: Oh, is there really?
Chad: There's a whole backstory.
Chad: There's a feud between two different
Chad: pizzerias and kids start getting killed by
Chad: robots.
Chad: It's a real something as far as I kind of
Chad: try to remember.
Bo: Should I watch this Should?
Chad: I bone up on the no, no, no, no.
Bo: All right, look, I'll get it fresh.
Bo: In the words of one of our great newsmen
Bo: Fuck it, I'll do it live, and I'm excited
Bo: to watch this premiere just before
Bo: Halloween and I'm sure it'll be great, I'm
Bo: sure it'll be one of the best horror movies
Bo: I've ever seen.
Chad: It will be the second Bloom House movie
Chad: that we review this season and, to really
Chad: get you excited, it also has a PG-13 rating.
Chad: Oh yeah, so none of the blood none of the
Chad: good stuff is going to be in it.
Bo: Oh boy, that doesn't sound great.
Chad: No, it doesn't Not at all All right.
Chad: So anyway, as always, like great review,
Chad: you can reach out to us at PixSixMovies at gmail.com
Chad: gmailcom and we're here in there, or
Chad: whatever else.
Chad: Bo any final thoughts you have on shopping
Chad: mall AKA Killbots of the movie?
Chad: Get me out of this vent.
Chad: Yeah, I'll get you out of the vent.
Chad: Let me ask you a question.
Chad: You know I'm milkable.
Chad: He's like right escalated.
Chad: Well, she liked it right.
Chad: We're going.
Chad: Sweet cheeks.
Chad: Come back here.