well hello All You Beautiful
[Music]
People you know what time it
is ladies and gents Guys and Dolls and
everyone in
between gather around get you something
real nice to sip on and comfy to slip
on cuz it's time for smut Club here's
your hosts ch
and
[Applause]
Hannah hey everybody and welcome to smut
club I'm Hannah and I am Chelsea and
this is the podcast where we are two
licensed mental health therapists who
enjoy day drinking and reviewing romance
novels of varying caliber sometimes we
drink phto box and we're not sponsored
by them but it would would still be a
lot cooler if we were mhm it's never
going to not be cool
until we are sponsored you
know I do know but I heard it I heard
how I said it well puted yeah you know
me big words girl thriving over here
Master
Wordsmith 1,000%
um but today wait what are what are you
drinking did you go red or pink red I
think I asked you and then I did not
listen and I'm so sorry I feel like we
do that to each other every now and then
like a few weeks ago or months ago I
don't know I asked you what book you
were reviewing and you told me like six
times and I just like willfully chose to
just not process the information you
gave me but I feel like there are times
in my life when that happens I was like
I'll definitely remember it this time
yes and then the next time I'm like
apparently my brain just really did not
feel the need to like I have locked it
in eye contact I have it it's there it's
gone yep yep okay well all that said I
am drinking the
leftover peppermint schops and my coffee
from the deer monster claws yes
um which it's a bummer for you that it
gave you heartburn because quite frankly
this this coffee is delightful God I
don't know if it was the combo of the
schnaps the Bailey and the kala or if it
was just the schnaps but buddy
does peppermint tend to do that often no
so it makes me think it was something
about the the combo the combination of
the hard liquor with the cream base yeah
was a lot touche to process and I also
just want us to note Vance only made us
half he did half Z I'd have died you
wouldn't have driven home tell you that
much should go to the ER with an ulcer
not because of too much alcohol alol but
just because my body rebelled against
that situation I've never seen someone's
body hate peppermint white Russ that
much oh it was so much it was so
much yeah that's why I'm back on the
wine and I left the schnaps at your
house yeah so I'm drinking red today
partially in a nod to our book today
which is priest by Sierra Simone Oh
Sierra yeah I'm honestly surprised it's
taken us this long
to like get to a Sierra Simone review
yeah me too me
too cuz we I feel like she's a name that
like comes up often I've read often but
we've never actually reviewed her
today's the day perfect yeah oh now I
will say I actually haven't read priest
that is one that like has been on my
list forever and I know it's like picked
up some steam but I haven't read it and
the way you're
nodding I don't know if I if I'm okay I
guess at the end of this episode I'll
decide if I am just going to leave it to
you to read
so I have
decided that I have decid not that what
I did though was have you ever watched
the show Dairy
girls um I've seen the trailer for it I
have not actually watched it okay there
is a priest in that show that is
universally hated and it's very funny
and he's known for having incredible
hair and in the first episode that he is
introduced in he's this young guy with
Incredible hair he comes in and the the
girls are saying that they witnessed a
miracle a a statue
crying and so the priest is there to
investigate and he is like um this is
this is a major moment girls like we are
going to to uncover the answer
to the age-old question is God real and
then he gets this really far away look
in his eyes and he goes I mean is he or
have you just wasted your life Peter and
the girls are all sitting there and
they're like uh father like you doing
okay over there yeah so it turns out the
girls faked the miracle and so spoilers
yeah he decides oh we knew it was faked
from the beginning okay that's the whole
episode is them covering up the faking
of this miracle and so they he decides
to leave the priesthood because they
faked this miracle because he is very
attracted to his hairdresser so then in
the next episode where you see him he's
back and one of the girls in a room full
of other people is like he says you may
know I'm back from sabatical and she
says is that cuz the [ __ ] hair dresser
left
you in front of everybody a and he's
just like well so that's that is the
person I'm
imagining just universally hated and
universally hated with great hair but so
why is he universally hated is it okay
that's not even the point of this book
so so there's a nun in there her name is
Sister Michael okay she is genuinely my
favorite character she's so incredibly
dry and like um there's one episode
where some girl is really sick and one
of the other girls is the the nun is
saying like there's only one thing left
to do and she's like pray for her sister
and she goes [ __ ] no what would that
do and just her reaction to the priest
every time is like for [ __ ] sake okay
but but the question is why is the
priest so because he's so painfully
Earnest in everything that he's doing
and
just like
naive almost in how Earnest he is but
then also it doesn't feel genuine at the
same time and so it's this is important
in context for what we're the the priest
we're imagining walking highly recommend
if you have not seen Dairy girls highly
recommend it's
just it's just Irish humor and so
painfully dry which is it for me so this
book is completely from the priest's
point of view oh okay yeah yes which is
a very rare thing I feel like in Romance
to have just the male Point male point
of view I would agree yeah and normally
I really like the male point of view um
when it switches and so I was like okay
cool like this will be kind of a
different thing but now I'm realizing
it's not the male point of view it's
just the switching of it that like keeps
it
fresh so like you know what I'm saying
so there are moments where we kind of
switch to the female Maine but it's more
like when she's telling him about things
so in the prologue we
learn this priest is introducing himself
he says he's 29 years old his name is
Tyler and several months ago he broke
his vow of celibacy and this is his
confession and like that's the the
prologue so he is in reconciliation
which is confession and he is on his
side of the the booth um and there's
only one guy that ever really comes
consistently um and so he's you know
about to wrap it up cuz the guy finally
left and he's like thank [ __ ] I I can
get out of this tiny box and he's just
about to get up when somebody else sits
down and there's this really husky voice
on the other side um and she say she's
not Catholic but she saw the Church from
across the street
um and I'm sorry I know you just kind of
how how far back was this that this just
happened it just says several months ago
several months ago okay yeah um so um we
don't have an exact timeline of all of
this but it it gets so messy so fast I
don't know if it
matters so um she is like I just need
somebody to talk to and um I just need
to know that everything is going to be
okay and he tells her that it really
might not be okay but that is okay like
she's going to learn to adjust um and
she's going to learn how to keep living
and um he's he wants to know like why is
she he like what does she want to
confess and she says that she's not sure
if she should tell him because it's
carnal and she winds up kind of like
rushing out after thanking him for just
listen listening to her from the
beginning um and he but like it was it
it seems as though it was like kind of
vague the whole time yeah she's like I
did something bad but I don't feel bad
about it and that's what makes me think
I'm bad and like all that kind of stuff
so um he tries not to think about her
again she's gone but the next week she
comes back and
um he he really just wants to hold her
cuz she just sounds so like sad and lost
and he's thinking about how in other
parishes he's been in he's been a priest
for 3 years in other parishes he's been
in they don't have like the confessional
booths really anymore it's a room and
like you can hold somebody's hand or
like give them a pat on the back or
something and he's like I cannot wait
until we've saved enough to like
renovate this place or whatever so
that's what he's thinking the whole time
and then so she her name is Poppy and
she is trying to explain that um she
used to do bad things for work but she
doesn't feel bad about it so before you
move any further at all I just need you
to know that while you're imagining
Dairy girls priest this whole
time my toddler lives breathes and dies
the trolls franchise with with Princess
poppy So when you say poppy that
unfortunately it's going to be a little
pink troll doll forced by Anna Kendrick
like
Mar that's so
good oh no I was like oh no it had to be
poppy of course it did yes of I I am now
also going to imagine a little pink
troll doll and that's going to make this
even
better so she says she's starting a new
life and a new job and she's moved but
she just doesn't feel right she doesn't
feel like she
fits and Tyler is really trying to f
Focus um on her words and that she's
struggling and that she's having a hard
time Tyler doesn't sound like a priest
name it sounds like a middle school
youth pastor name I know that also was
very difficult I was like oh no we
couldn't give him like a a Mark or a
give him a gospel name [ __ ] hell you
could have gone obscure you could could
have gone Old Testament you could have
like gone Elijah or Elisha like sure you
have options
but but we went with Tyler we went with
Tyler that's a choice and we committed
to it the whole way
through so what's really difficult is
when people call him father Tyler like
that sounds like a last name that I
would be more comfortable with but
somehow it's worse in my head I'm like
you know big daddy
Tyler Papa
te so they step out of the booth at the
same time and immediately all he can
think about is shoving his dick in her
mouth that is like first thought wrong
thought like stuck in it and he realizes
in three years after he took his vows he
has never once really struggled to
remain celibate um that's called an
intrusive thought 100% And that's okay
intrusive thoughts happen we don't have
to act on them yep that's what you have
to learn about intrusive thoughts
Tyler hasn't learned
that sorry it was the eye contact for me
I did make really firm eye cont with
very like Tyler hasn't learned that I'm
like oh damn he really hasn't
so he is thinking back to before he took
his vows when he was kind of a Playboy
and could really have anybody he wanted
um but he's trying to focus on like like
not violating do we learn his origin
story we do okay so he's trying sort of
we she he's trying not to like objectify
her because he realizes that she is a
person who needs help she is like one of
God's children and he should be focused
on his role as a priest and like a a
counselor more so than getting
it
so like maybe this dick isn't what she
came to the church looking for yeah so
he decides that the next time she comes
in he is going to tell her that he can't
take her confession and recommend
another priest um so that way like you
know she will still get the support that
she needs and he can be mindful of his
vows and boundaries and everything which
is very commendable and respectable very
thoughtful um but from the eye contact
you gave me a few minutes ago oh the the
slow shaking of your
head so he is out for a jog he's
listening to Britney Spears and she like
poppy like arrives next to him
apparently also out for a run in a teeny
tiny sports bra
and um he gets a little weird like he's
like I got to get away from her like oh
my God she's so hot he's like I can't
like back away remember next time she
comes to the church you're going to tell
her you can't take her confession
anymore like trying to coach himself
through it and she's like he also
realizes she like touches his chest at
one point and is like smiling at him and
like laughing at him and he realizes
like
oh she's treating me like a gay bestie
because I'm a priest and I'm safe like I
need to chill the [ __ ] out he's like oh
[ __ ] like chill out well cuz when you
the way you initially said like she put
her hand on his chest I was like oh like
she was flirting with him and then
you're like like a gay bestie and I'm
like I see it now yeah yeah he's like
damn it so um he's like I know I'm a
priest but I hate that I'm friendzoned
literally so she is then like starts to
read that he's really uncomfortable and
she starts apologizing she's like I am
so sorry I didn't mean to make you
uncomfortable or anything like I I'm I'm
so so sorry and he's like nope I'm
really glad that you're here um and
exploring religion and if it's not for
you that's okay I know you're looking
for your place like even if it's not
with the church like I will help you
find it um and
she she said that maybe she'll keep
exploring because he's hot like with a
wink and again he's like yeah I get it
he's like damn it um but she's like
laughing and joking about it and he's
like
damn
it so um he has posted online that he
has office hours and she's like is it
okay if I come to those and he's like
see you in 30
minutes and then he's like I am [ __ ]
like what am I
doing because she had more she wanted to
confess because she wants to explore
religion more and stuff okay so
um I'm like good sir you could shut it
down he could have he didn't
so
um oh no that wasn't the 30 minutes
sorry he said yes come to the next open
Office hours whenever it is um and so
then he decides to go home on his one
day off a week to see his family he has
three brothers everybody's there for
family
dinner um does his family live local or
is it it's like an hour away this is
matter this is in
Missouri okay yeah I can't remember the
exact towns but St Louis is involved in
Kansas city is involved I think so um
you know under represented cities in the
smut Community sure shout out to the
Midwest I suppose um
so uh they his brothers Raz him for
being celibate and stuff um and one of
them is talking about going to this like
extremely exclusive strip club that's
like invite only and like you don't even
get to know the name and like all this
other [ __ ] and he's like I wonder if
maybe po poppy worked somewhere like
that like maybe that's what she was
talking about when she said she had a
job doing bad stuff but he's like now's
not the time stay focused because he
became a priest because of his little
sister um and we don't get the details
at this point but he decides he's going
to help poppy since nobody helped his
sister and so he is like adamant that he
is going to be there for her so we're
projecting mhm okay um and so the next
time he's out for a run he runs into her
again and this is when he says 30
minutes so she shows up and he is like
gameface ready to be empathetic ready to
be supportive like I am here for you on
your spiritual journey professionally
very much
so so so um she shares her backstory she
came from a ton of money graduated ivy
league all this stuff and then when she
finished her MBA she realized like she
was trapped and she hated it and she
didn't really want any part of it and so
she just left and she didn't touch her
trust fund and she didn't speak to her
parents again and it's been like 3 years
um like when they escaped the
Bergens yes exactly like that okay
that's that'll be my last trolls
joke it probably won't
be and I look forward to
it I look forward to the the [ __ ] eating
grin you get right before you say it and
then the looking down in shame that you
do right
after it's good to be known it's good to
be seen yep I'm here for you so um Tyler
then shares that his parents um weren't
supportive of him becoming a priest at
all and um trying to like connect with
her and explains that his sister was
abused by their priest growing up and
she left all the details along with all
the names of the other victims in her
suicide note and he's the one that found
her body um and so his family really
shunned the church after that completely
and the church shun to the family like
they were they were angry with his
sister more so than they were the priest
at that point and so
um poppy explains she just started
driving like they're doing a lot of
connecting and like back and forth at
this point so she explains that she got
in her car and just started driving and
wound up in Kansas City where she was
recruited for a a strip club um she
liked working there um and she goes into
a lot of detail about touching herself
in front of
customers um and how all she really
wanted then and all she really wants now
is to be
[ __ ] exact words mouth ass [ __ ]
doesn't even matter like what bold words
to say to a
priest in his office hours I know and
he's about to die he's like gripping the
chair the arm chair like I'm going to
die here but thankfully her phone goes
off like right at that moment
and so she has to leave for some reason
and immediately jerks off all over his
desk and there's like like a portrait of
St Augustine on the wall and he's like
don't judge me
like shut up Augie you don't
know so again he feels really bad that
he has basically like violated her trust
um by having these feelings towards her
and acting on them um and
so few days later he runs into her at a
coffee shop she um helps him with
spreadsheet stuff for fundraising for
the church and everything cuz she has
her MBA and he's terrible at it so he's
help she's helping him with that stuff
and for some reason I don't really
remember how it comes up but she
mentions that um no one has ever really
loved her and uh like
that's the that's part of the issue I
took with this book I would be
like what like this is not conversation
for a coffee shop while you're working
on spreadsheets also I like that she's
just like a full-fledged volunteer for
this church that she doesn't even belong
to belong to or necessarily like believe
in their God yeah she's just like here
to help
like she just likes the priest with the
good hair then I was like wait does he
have good hair or is that I think yes
but we don't actually really know what
he looks like because it's all from all
from his point of view yeah so um so she
actually did mention when she was
talking to him how much she loved
volunteering and how she would go to um
like I think she mentioned going to
Haiti after the earthquake to help there
and like she has a heart for service and
so she wants to engage with that more
um and he when she mentions not being
loved um he like grabs her hand and um
has this like fantasy of tying her up
like imagine putting a a rope around her
wrist while he's holding her hand in
this coffee shop and he's like I am a
bad bad
man um and so she they walk out together
and it turns out she lives on the same
street as the church and he's like of
course she does great love that I can
see her house from my [ __ ] room
awesome like oh
no um so she um mentioned something
about she decided to move to this small
town after Sterling found her but she
doesn't follow up with that and he
doesn't ask and so then she just says um
I'll see you like next week at your
office hours or whatever so the next
Monday he's working up to tell her that
he'll help her find someone else to talk
to but of course immediately he's like
never mind like as soon as she's in
front of him he's like
okay like okay I feel like at this point
I'm like getting a little frustrated
with him that's how I felt the whole
time oh good yeah okay yeah which is why
I'm imagining this like deeply hated
priest that I find amusing because it
helps me it helps me so poppy then tells
him the next time they meet that she had
been in love with a man named Sterling
and she thought they were going to get
married they'd been on and off for a
while but then she got his wedding
invitation in the mail and that's part
of kind of why she took off and he
showed up at the strip club a month ago
and told her that um he never could have
married her because she's not wife
material she's a [ __ ] and she likes it
too
much um and he couldn't take her to like
because she likes it too much yeah isn't
that a good thing a selling shouldn't
you want her to be into it but he's like
I can't take you to like company dinners
and things like that everybody's going
to want to [ __ ] you and it's like okay
ew also [ __ ] that guy that you're not
letting them [ __ ] you right like someone
thinking you're attractive I can't date
you anymore because you're too
attractive other people will want you
yeah so I married someone else that I
can take to the holiday party to hang
out with my coworker Tammy from
accounting the [ __ ] so all I can think
about is that time that some dude hit on
you and you told Vance and he high-fived
you yeah that was lovely that was so
good
yeah well let's let's not forget I was 5
months you were super pregnant yeah I
was 5 months pregnant in a
swimsuit just trying my best out there
and you were doing your best apparently
apparently yeah trying and achieving
listen free drinks are free
drinks yes they are
and like I make more than I made when I
was 20 but I'll still always take a free
drink if it's offered like that uh that
girly girl song that's on um been on Tik
Tok recently that's like um I don't need
money from a man I have my own but I
will take money from a man like yes go
ahead and give me some money that sounds
great 1,000% I was like absolutely and
my husband will let you buy me drink yes
cuz we share a bank account
[Laughter]
honestly in this economy you do what you
got to do um so Sterling tells her that
he's been looking for her for three
years because she belongs to him um wait
what yep and he tells her all about how
what her life would be like if she would
just finally agree to be his mistress
because that's all she's ever going to
be good for anyway and so I don't like
him no he's pretty terrible um and he
continues to tell her all of this while
they [ __ ] in this strip club and she
knew he was married and she knew it was
wrong and she did it
anyway and Tyler is losing his mind
listening to this story and he wants to
commit murder but he's also Wicked
turned on at the same
time um
so she says like
I'll go kill him as soon as you give me
a few minutes right give me a moment so
she you have a pillow by any
chance sorry what were you going say a
pillow so um she says that Sterling was
right she is a [ __ ] and even
now and she like like stops talking and
she moves to leave and before before he
even realizes what he's doing he is out
of his side of the booth and like in
front of her kind of blocking her way
demanding that she explain herself and
like finish her sentence and backs her
up into the
piano um and tells her to turn around
and he realizes she is not wearing
underwear and are they in they're in his
office hours they're in a restaurant
where they were in the um confessional
that time it's all random places in the
church mostly that they bang
actually no that's well you said the
booth and then you said the piano oh
sorry and I was like logistically I just
have a couple question like the booth at
the coffee shop yes I was like I was
like well maybe he has a piano in his
office but why would he have a booth in
his office this makes we're tracking now
tring just in the main sanctuary yes
logistically so um
so he spanks her um wait what because
she's not wearing any underwear and she
did it on purpose and she had been
touching herself while confessing and he
eats her out and then immediately feels
super guilty yeah that face is correct
that face is correct that went from 6:00
to midnight real fast yep yep wait so
she was masturbating while she was
confessing yep did he know when that was
happening it was just she so when he
realized she wasn't wearing underwear he
was like why did you do that you came
here with no panties on purpose tell me
why were you touching yourself she's
like
yeah maybe could have been I don't
know so um he immediately is like what
the [ __ ] have I done because this Parish
the former priest had been um terrible
um and so he has done a lot to like
repair the relationship with the
community and he's like cool cool cool I
just bent somebody over the piano and
ate them out in the sanctuary where
anyone could have walked in like what
the [ __ ] is wrong with me maybe wipe it
down before glattus gets there for music
practice right Myrtle will not be
impressed and so um after
she comes he tries to like back away but
she starts feeling him up and telling
him like what a good man he is and this
is the other part of this book that I
struggled with so
immensely um they just like rub all over
each other to
completion and he's like doesn't count
no penetration so it doesn't count as
breaking my vals okay when you say rub
all over each other I mean
like [ __ ] on dick without
penetration okay just some nice dry
humping it didn't sound like it was dry
sounded like there was a situation well
there was fabric to absorb absorb the
moisture oh no no no no it was skin to
skin cuz she wasn't wearing any
underwear she pulled her skirt up and he
pulled his pants down oh I missed the
pants I didn't I don't think I mentioned
the pants I don't think it's in my notes
but that will continue continue to live
rent free for me because I'm like Jesus
wept well no still not as bad as altered
by fire when they accidentally killed
the N I know right I did think that
through this too I like put the prayer
candle up her ass could have been worse
could have killed a
nun which also incidentally happens in
Dairy
girls
so so they
just just some old school high school
youth group yes as long as there's no
penetration it doesn't count yep and so
they don't even speak to each other she
just gets up and
leaves that's it so then Millie who is
Tyler's very old parishioner shows up um
to his house she very often comes to the
parish and like will bring food and
things like that and she immediately
knows that something is wrong um and she
knows it probably has to do with poppy
because she had seen them in the coffee
shop and seen how like close they looked
mhm but she's really sweet about it and
she tells him that there is nothing
wrong with being a man and having
feelings and like whatever and Tyler's
like nope I was about to say good for
you Millie but before I say that is that
the right response yeah Millie is very
kind
listen there's a lot of left turns in
this book so I felt like I was about to
be oh you know Millie way to go I really
rooted for most everybody except for
Tyler and Poppy I was like you guys
[ __ ] suck like oh my God I can't
[ __ ] stand it
so um he is now like deciding he's going
to double down on his
um uh his vows he knows he may a mistake
can't happen again he's leading men's
bible study that night and it happens to
be on sexuality and of course and so
then he is doing okay until he gets to
um that one verse in Romans that ends
with um what a Wretched Man I am and
that becomes like his Mantra like over
and over like what a Wretched Man I am
like every time he thinks of anything
what a Wretched Man I am he's
insufferable just like go to [ __ ]
therapy man thank you um
so he now feels like he took advantage
of her because she was vulnerable and
looking for help and like he couldn't
keep himself together and he's a
terrible
person
so go ahead well no cuz I feel like
we're just like sure believe it okay I
don't even give a [ __ ] of you I'm not
going to be like no you're so incredible
I'm just like you are an active partic
participant in your current unhappiness
and yes take [ __ ] accountability bro
yes don't just like [ __ ] and like go
wo is me saying wo is me is not true
accountability yeah
and there's the other character that I
very much rooted for in this basically
tells him that is like we'll get there
so Tyler goes for another run
essentially to punish himself and he
winds up at um the Tabernacle in the
sanctuary um
and I forgot how much of like how much
artifacts are involved in Catholicism in
the sacraments yeah and I was like
Tabernacle oh yeah there's one of those
in every Catholic Church I'm not going
to lie you said the word Tabernacle and
I also paused and went yeah huh oh yeah
yeah like I literally like wait a minute
oh like that makes sense so he winds up
at the Tabernacle which is at the front
of the church for our listeners who are
not uh Catholic or don't know anything
about Catholicism bless
you and you know go with God or whatever
so so so
okay you know in Star Wars
where it's like May the force be with
you right
mhm I didn't know I went to Catholic
church with a friend and I didn't know
that they
say may peace be with you and also with
you with you right I didn't like fully
track that and
then so I had a really hard time after
that when people would say May the force
be with you I just wanted to say and
also with you which is not Hann I did I
did
I would I have no I know it's not a
unique experience but like half of this
book I was like is this my own religious
issues that I'm reacting to or is this
the book itself and I think it is a VIN
diagram that's a circle
so well right because I I do feel
like obviously altered by fire was it
was different wild nobody had taken vows
in that there was another book that I
read where a priest had taken vows and
at one point he used the prayer beads as
anal beads like you did specifically ask
me if that was going to happen no that
yeah because because it stood out to me
right in a it sounds like not a good
idea well but also just in that way
where like reading books that have these
like religious components to it mhm I I
do agree that like there's some of like
hey I know part of this is me reacting
from my own experiences mhm and also you
did just [ __ ] her with the the prayer
beads or like yeah you know you you did
still do it and you are a little
insufferable so maybe yeah so I'm giving
you less credit cuz I don't like you so
so he's at the Tabernacle on his knees
sobbing his eyes out because he just
feels so bad about everything and
begging to be forgiven and then he just
has this overwhelming sense of like
peace and he feels god with him and this
happens multiple times in the book where
he's like God is here and I'm like is he
or did the air conditioner turn
on cuz he's like I felt to chill you
just ran like 12 miles and you're
covered in sweat I think it's cuz you're
anemic right
so I'm not getting less annoyed with it
go I know I know that's why I was
worried about doing this and why I had
to come up with a strategy so I didn't
absolutely outright [ __ ] on him the
whole time so the next few days are very
uneventful but Friday poppy shows up to
mass and he does fine until he touches
her to give her the blessing because if
you are not confirmed Catholic you
cannot take communion in a Catholic
church but you can can be a part of it
by receiving a blessing from the priest
instead of receiving the
sacrament and so to be blessed the
priest essentially like holds the top of
your head and makes the sign of the
cross on your forehead and he just feels
this like overwhelming connection to her
and after Mass she stays behind so they
can talk and they they talk about
religion and he's like God she's so
smart and I really like the way her
brain works and she says she'd really
like to volunteer cuz she wants to know
more about the church and she would like
to be involved so she volunteers for the
pancake breakfast the next
day um and he then starts to realize
like this is not just she's super hot
like I I am developing feelings for her
like this is worse somehow yeah I don't
just I don't just want to bend her over
the church piano right I want to know
more about her I want to know her heart
I want to penetrate her heart as much as
I want to penetrate the rest
yikes yes but it did still feel ACC like
yikes like I don't love it but I also
can't not wrong so the breakfast goes
great Tyler feels great he's like this
is wonderful and then he and Poppy wind
up being the last two
there um and
then they wind up somehow talking about
if anyone especially a woman can be
truly good
it's like this weird philosophical thing
of like whatever Eve yeah and he's like
Forget About Eve like humans or humans
whatever um and she he he's like you are
incredible and you are loved by God no
matter what blah blah blah and so then
she finally tells him that Sterling
called her and left a message because
she left Kansas City after he found her
in an effort to again get away from him
and he said that he is coming for her
again and she's like I'm not doing this
again like I'm not going with him I'm
not saying yes Sterling bro where the
[ __ ] does your wife think you are yeah
it so it's very clear that like his wife
is a business Arrangement this is we're
talking like the social register level
of like social class of like your family
is listed in the very special book do
you know what I'm talking about like
that's the social level where talking
about and so it was a business
Arrangement essentially his marriage and
his he's like my wife knows what's up
she didn't give a [ __ ] she didn't love
me either my wife doesn't love me I
don't love her I'll never love you but
you do belong to me you [ __ ]
yeah okay yep
yeah so um
resign so
um so Tyler tells her like I really
don't like this like I'm worried he
could be dangerous like you know men are
always dangerous when they want what
they can't have and she's like like you
their father and like walks out like
she's really pissed at him for like the
way that he's talking to her which again
I don't really understand okay that
makes me feel better cuz I'm like I feel
like I missed something I guess it's
because she says like I'm not going to
talk to him like I'm not going to do
this again and he's like are you sure
like be careful like I don't know and
she's like I know my own mind like I'm
not going to do it again but also like
you have no right to be concerned about
it if I do anyway kind of so then she
shows up at his house at 3:00
a.m. um with scotch in the rain and her
pajamas to apologize for freaking
out and he's like well love that she
like fight flight or freeze flight yeah
But like followed by
Fawn right but I'm like with a very
small like distress tolerance threshold
there it's like a strong Breeze can make
her flee yeah I'm like no you don't just
like get to be this
reactive but she
will because then she goes in and and
he's like well I have to let her in it's
raining it's dark she's cold I should
hear her out and the whole time I'm like
you are painfully full of [ __ ] yep from
the jump and I think that's what
irritates me like just be honest about
it yes like just be straight up well
especially cuz when you do that like oh
I just like couldn't help it I'm so weak
no you did what the [ __ ] you wanted to
do right you made choices that led to
this bigger choice that now has bigger
consequences like you [ __ ] did
that
anyway I got fired up about that because
he really irritates me so bad I get it
well I like I felt myself getting
irritated earlier and I didn't even read
it that's why you were like I haven't
read it yet but maybe I will and I
wanted to be like no you won't you'll be
too annoyed
yeah um so he apolog like they
apologized to each other and she gets
kind of mad that he thinks he took
advantage of her um and starts to walk
out and then he grabs her she goes to
apologize for being reactive and walking
out yeah and then reacts and walks out
yeah and so as she's Le she's no better
than him like to be clear like she's
just as irritating so as she starts to
leave he grabs her and he's like just
one more time and then he puts her on
her knees and tells him tells her to
suck him
off he's like one more
time and she is just like okay she's
very into it um and then after she sucks
his dick for a while he tells her to go
get on the kitchen
counter um and
then he goes in like an inch and then
Jacks himself off and still is like it
doesn't count
like just the head of his dick is in and
when I tell you all I could think about
was [ __ ]
Mormons I was like is this the opposite
of soaking is this a different kind of
soaking I don't know who can say not
me um there was a group of guys I was
friends with in grad school were all
roommates and like they were like a
great group of guys like every Thursday
night was like open party at their house
and when I say party I mean like
pingpong and like like yeah just a good
place to hang out yes very very much so
but we'll always remember one of their
house rules was the tip doesn't count
unless you want it
to that's very good he didn't want it to
count but I'm like the the tip does
count it does even if you don't want it
to
yeah you're like no no no it's not like
you have to penetrate three Ines for it
to
count but like the bargaining I think is
so fresh cuz the bargaining feels
like like Purity culture bargaining and
I think for you and I and our
upbringings like that greats us in a
very particular way yeah it's extra icky
for me and so she like begs him not to
pull out she wants him to come inside
her she's on birth control whatever but
that's like one of her like I don't you
I don't think you can really call that a
kink she's just super into it um and so
he does and then she says um that she
will see him at Mass tomorrow and they
will start
over sure cuz that's how that works all
right clean
late
yep reset the scoreboard all right
I like a couple whenever we La whenever
we reviewed seeing double or whatever it
was called and I was just getting
visibly more frustrated as we went yeah
I feel like that's you right now yeah
because then I think about um I believe
it was on Supernatural That's like I
guess a thing now for me I haven't
watched that show in years but there's
at one point Dean goes to like this
thing to be a born again virgin so he
can like become a virgin again and
that's what I think of I'm like okay
sure whatever so yeah there's a pill for
that Tyler gets a call from his boss the
bishop and there's a pill for
that sorry
okay so Tyler's on the phone with his
boss I'm just struggling so bad and
Tyler as he's talking to his boss the
bishop who is somebody he really
respects he's realized that he has
destroyed his own faith in himself and
he needs to go to
confession so
um he and Poppy are continuing to kind
of get closer to explore their faith
literally though because they're like
talking about fundraising events and
like she's asking questions about
scripture and asking for help to learn
to pray and like all this other
stuff so when I was in college my
college
boyfriend we' met in like a Church
College Bible study group sort of thing
and he had recently had a breakup from
like a long-term
girlfriend uh and it was it came down to
religion he'd grown up in the the
Christian church he had stepped away
that's when they started dating he then
returned to the Christian church and was
like oh can't can't date her anymore we
can't be unequally yolked you get it so
then he go so then he goes hey CH how
you doing right um but then like
probably two months somewhere like early
on into US dating we're he calls me one
day and he's like I don't even remember
this girl's name but he was like Hey so
uh she has started going to church
and uh is a is a is a Christian now and
she's asked me to spend some time with
her um like showing her how to pray like
answering her questions about scripture
and I was
like I need you to to hear back
everything you just said to
me let's think I'm like it it could all
very much be true but I'm like it seems
little like
maybe she's trying to get
it no shame girl yeah more power to you
yeah um but maybe don't say my boyfriend
I now believe that Jesus cross died on
the cross for my sins and rose again 3
days later as a way to get dick down I
don't know if that there are other
options there're so much easier ways
plot twist that's not my
husband a call back
so um as poppy is asking before so
Tyler's Confessor the person who
receives his confession is in a
different town right so it's something
he kind of has to schedule so he hasn't
been yet but when poppy asks for help
learning to pray Tyler tells her to come
to the sanctuary that night and when he
comes in he sees her crying at the
altar and he realizes direct quote God
is talking to
Poppy maybe she's just upset
dude maybe it is God what do I know so
he doesn't want to interrupt but then he
feels like he's part of the moment with
her and so they wind up making out and
it is a quote religious experience and
they feel God so she's like is it always
like this um and he's like no not always
like sometimes you feel God and
sometimes you don't like yeah sometimes
your partner gets you there and
sometimes they don't it's just a thing
you know like you have to communicate no
one bats a thousand you have to
communicate
openly with open communication you can
feel God more
regularly you can have more satisfying
religious experiences when you
communicate with your partner I'm so
sorry I'm so sorry sorry oh my God
so sweet suffering
Jesus he walks her home he really is and
they confess to each other that like
they want to be together like they're
tired of this game that they're playing
and so she says she's going out of town
for a few days so he fingers her in the
backyard to hold her over till they can
get together again as one does they have
phone sex poppy shows up at the church
lots of spanking and degradation and
like you like that whatever um they do
remember to lock the sanctuary doors
this time this is like on the altar at
the front of the
sanctuary he ties her up um with I can't
remember the name of it and even if I
did I probably wouldn't try to say it
because I wouldn't pronounce it
correctly but it's the the like rope
that is tied around a priest's robes
when they do mask yes
he uses that to tie her up
which when a priest puts on like the
different parts of his whole situation
before Mass there are like prayers and
invocations that they do as they put
them on and the one for that is
Purity and he ties her up with
it over the altar so he can [ __ ]
her so um he gets consent at this point
I need more to surprise me cuz I'm like
I like this none of it will I don't
think well I'm like okay this is what I
expect you know I expect him to use the
Purity rope yep to tie to the altar yep
he makes her choke on his dick he lays
her out and finally [ __ ] her like
really really hard and then there's
after care where he's like taking care
of her so apparently he was like in the
BDSM scene before he became a priest and
so like he's aware of like what he needs
to do so there's good after care and
then there's more [ __ ] and then they
almost declare love but he kind of stops
her cuz he's not ready for that um and
then is after care the one redeeming
part of Tyler that doesn't frustrate me
in this book yes like he does a good job
of like taking care of her afterwards
and making sure that she's okay and like
she's drinking water and you know she's
eating and
everything so then they talk after
sneaking back into his house he shares
more about like his sister and the pain
of losing her
um and she shares more about Sterling
and Tyler is really jealous that
Sterling can pursue her and he can't
that's his takeaway and I'm like you're
a punk ass
[ __ ]
sorry she is naked in your bed bro
like whatever I don't know that
feels like obviously not quite the same
but when people are like oh my gosh this
person like hit on my my husband or like
hit on my you have a legally B you won
like yeah it what are you jealous of
yeah like at this point respectfully you
kind of just need to look in within
yourself as to why this is triggering
something in you because like nothing
outside of this should really be evoking
this response in you the man is [ __ ]
stalking her and you're like I wish I
could stalk her yeah she's naked in your
bed what more do you want like you've
literally come like three times now
shouldn't you be more
relaxed oh my God
so she starts to say like what are we
going to do like valid question and he's
like I'm not ready to go there and so he
eats her out to like distract her from
that conversation which becomes relevant
later so um poppy is gone the next
morning and Tyler is like freaking out
because he's like oh my god did she get
what she wanted from me and now it's
over did I throw everything away for
nothing and he like spirals for no
reason I'm like every time you just gave
a new Tyler fact I'm just like what a
[ __ ] I feel like my tone is getting
more and more
agitated so my strategy is falling apart
come on Peter okay so um poppy still
shows to the pancake breakfast but she
like really avoids him
completely um and when they do finally
talk poppy tells Tyler that she's just
so guilty and
overwhelmed that she did this to him
that like she could be ruining his life
and his career and all of his principles
and she just feels really
awful and
um he doesn't know what to say and so he
just starts confession he's like how
long has it been since your last
confession cuz he doesn't know what to
do and I'm like okay again you're a punk
ass
[ __ ] um so then she tells him that she
has been fantasizing about anal he takes
her to his office and he uses holy
oil as lube
fine he's and he goes into so much
detail too about like this was blessed
by the bishop last year on such and such
Saints Day or whatever the [ __ ] and I'm
like mhm I don't think any of that
matters when you're rubbing it around
her brown
eye
hey so um there's more good after care
all that's really great and then he
gives poppy his sister's
rosary and declares his love
but he will not let her say it back
so Tyler finally [ __ ] makes it to
confession and he gets there and the
priest is a really good friend of his
from Seminary and he immediately is like
go home like before Tyler can even say
anything he's like go
away and um he's like I know that you
broke your vows and I know that you're
not going to stop because this guy is
supposedly like super spiritual and
really does like talk to God all the
time it's not an just an East blowing
wind
correct um and um he's like come back
when you are actually ready to
repent I'm not going to tell anybody but
I will not receive your confession just
to do this with you again in a couple of
weeks good luck so then there respect
respect on this man all see I liked him
I like him I like Millie yeah I'm
rooting for the real ones out here yes
so then um my notes just say immediately
after that more
anal I was clearly over it at this point
so poppy tells Tyler that she really
can't do this much longer that um she
doesn't want to ruin his life but she
wants to actually be able to be with him
and he doesn't really respond and so she
asks him to leave and when he gets home
Millie is in his kitchen and it's the
middle of the night and um she explains
she knows about poppy that he is not as
subtle as he thinks she he is like
sneaking back from her house um Millie
has seen him repeatedly but he's a good
man and a good priest and she just wants
him to be careful she's not going to
tell anybody she just wants him to be
careful so he's a mess
and after mask after
mask after MK who should be there but
Sterling and he is there with pictures
of him and Poppy kissing he doesn't have
any like anything more explicit but even
that is enough um to really ruin him and
um he says that he's just scoping out
the competition but that Poppy will be
his in the
end um and so people aren't
property well I
know Sterling has not received that
message quite frankly I feel like even
if Sterling had received that message
he'd go this isn't applicable to me and
my life choices yeah he would put it in
the filing cabinet that's the garbage
can if you sorry okay so Tyler's
freaking out he tries to call Poppy she
doesn't answer um he he goes to her
house her car is there but she's not and
so later he then gets a text from
Sterling and it's a photo of poppy in a
car and Tyler continues to freak out and
be really angry that she is leaving him
for someone else which
again nobody said that dude
like just took a hop skip and a jump all
the way to the end I feel like Tyler is
the embodiment of that Meme that's like
not me jumping to conclusion
like a GYN in a full split sort of
energy yes but then he's like am I even
allowed to be
angry I shouldn't have been doing any of
this in the first place so he gets super
drunk and decides that he should work
out while drunk poppy shows up the next
day um and he just tells her you're not
allowed to talk and puts her on her
knees and jerks off all over her um and
he because he realizes he should not
[ __ ] her when he's like this like that's
the the best that he can do at that
point because he doesn't want to hurt
her I guess just a
greater cuz that's not hurtful so she
takes care of him like quite
frankly that was maybe worse to me yeah
right and I can't say that to for I I
can't say that to everyone but I'm like
I it's not good yeah you're too angry to
[ __ ]
me because you're afraid you'll hurt me
oh okay sorry just just making sure I'm
processing and tracking all this
correctly yeah so she actually winds up
taking care of him and like gets him in
bed um and she says they'll talk when
when he wakes
up so
um she tells him when he finally gets up
that they're going on a date get dressed
we're going out so they go to Kansas
City but she won't tell him where
they're going she explains that she did
spend time with Sterling um
but she wouldn't go with him nothing
happened with him she continues to tell
him no um but Tyler doesn't think that
Sterling is really done with it um but
she winds up taking him to the strip
club where she used to work in a private
room they role play um so she wants him
to fully let go and this is again where
I was like I get it you've read the
Bible because it's all Herod talk with
like the you know herod's dancers or
whatever and talk about Esther as she
like sacrificed her body for her people
or whatever the
[ __ ] so um he puts her on a leash and
[ __ ]
her before coming all over her face my
notes say another religious
experience and in his mind he's like
this is marriage we're married
now
what
wait it's like the delusional way his
brain is trying to make it okay to be
like we're married now like what
by whose standard are you married now
and if you say it's because we felt God
while we were making out that is not an
acceptable answer I'm like you can also
feel God from eating a very special kind
of brownie like that's not you know what
I'm saying like it's cool man chill out
he has no cool so not in like a fun
retriever Energy Way NOP
mm so the next day he has already
decided that this is the last Mass he's
ever going to do and he's going to marry
poppy he leaves a voicemail for the
bishop um with his resignation and then
he goes to propose to Poppy finally
feeling like this is it like that
religious experience at the strip club
was my message from God that like being
with poppy isn't wrong this is what
we're supposed to be doing this is what
God wants for
me so um she had been at Mass he's
really excited to see her but when he
gets there Sterling is there and he sees
her or he sees them kissing and he is
utterly destroyed and just starts
driving away um he doesn't have his
phone with him um he's just gone until
he shows up at his confessor's house who
is also his friend
um he confesses everything tells and his
friend is like okay your Penance is to
spend one day with God and Tyler's like
nope needs to be more than that like how
many [ __ ] hail marries do you have to
do to make up for what I've done like
come on dude he's like nope one day in
contemplation with God because that's
what you need right what you want is to
punish yourself what you need is to
reconnect with your faith
so um Tyler stays with his friend um and
he also comes to the conclusion he wants
to remain in the priesthood if he can't
be with poppy he truly was just leaving
to be with her he actually loves being a
priest and like being able to help other
people so then the phone rangs at like 2
a.m. and it is the bishop photos of him
and poy were released online and he
needs to
resign Tyler says though that he wants
to stay even though that would mean
moving to a new Parish um and that is if
the Cardinal who is above the bishop
will approve they'll talk more later so
then when he is in his like Penance
contemplation with God he realizes that
he shouldn't leave the church for poppy
that he needs to make the decision for
himself and he wants the freedom to help
other people in whatever way he feels is
Right rather than having it dictated by
the church so he quits he moves in with
his brother everybody's actually super
supportive he actually becomes a major
internet meme because of the the photos
that were listed or released online um
he's got a fan club um it's been a
couple of months and he has heard
nothing from poppy so the last time he
saw her was at mass and then when she
was kissing Sterling in her house that's
the last he saw of her
did she reach out to him and he didn't
reply at all or just like okay nope he
went back to her house after he had
disappeared for a couple of days with
his friend he went back to her house and
it was completely empty she's moved and
he hasn't figured out how to reach her
okay um so he assumes that she took
Sterling up and she's gone um so he
decides to go to the club for closure um
because she was still working for them
as like a an accountant essentially and
he's like if anybody will be able to get
a message to her it's them yeah um but
when he gets there um she has quit there
nobody knows where she is or what's
going on with her but she did leave his
sister's Rosary for
him um and so he needs to accept that
like he loved her more than she loved
him and he can't keep doing this anymore
mhm so he goes to Kenya for seven
months yep okay to dig Wells or
whatever I really hope they had
a partnering organization over there
because Tyler does give the energy of a
man who just like [ __ ] gets off a
plane in Kenya and it's like I'm here to
help I feel God more in this
heat oh no
oh God
okay nope okay so um he also has decided
he's going to go back to school for his
PhD he still has dreams about poppy um
and he decides that when he gets back
he's going to go find her and give her
the rosary back because it was a gift it
wasn't about that but he really feels
like it would be good for both of them
to have closure even though she really
hurt him he understands now that
like it was right for him to leave on
his own and like he needed this time for
growth and stuff
clearly so um he searches for months
once he gets back um and he can't find
her anywhere but right before he is
supposed to be going back to school he
finally goes to see Sterling he's like I
don't know where poppy is but I know
where Sterling is um cuz he's like you
know in high up in business so whatever
major business guy in in the midwest so
he gets there and Sterling is like how
is she and he's
like nope that's my line my guy I
what so she wasn't with him this whole
time she left both of them and neither
knew um and apparently after Tyler saw
them kissing Poppy had punched Sterling
in the mouth um and kicked him out which
is why he released the pictures of the
two of them because he was bitter about
it and um even still even though she he
hasn't spok spoken to her and it's been
like 10 months at this point even though
he hasn't spoken to her he knows where
she is um and so he gives him an address
for a dance
studio and it turns out she has opened
like a a free dance studio in like a
really rough area in New York to like
help local kids and stuff so he she
isn't in the studio but he sees a church
nearby and so he just goes there on
Instinct um and there she is um poppy
explains like she's crying and
apologizing what was she doing in the
new church she was praying sure she was
I just have Madonna stuck in my
head which again is a different
challenge um so poppy said that she knew
that he'd see her kiss Sterling and she
wanted him to hate her so that he could
move on because
repeatedly she tried to tell him how
guilty she was for what they were doing
and how she was hurting him and how she
could see it was tearing him apart what
they were doing and he refused used to
listen to her every time and she was
like if this was the only way I was
going to get you to leave me and like
maybe be able to salvage your career as
a priest like that's what I was going to
do which again doesn't make any sense
but poppy did what she
did so then he feels guilty that um he
didn't listen oh my [ __ ] gosh so then
they both apologize and then he proposes
to her and in the church and then they
[ __ ] in the church
that and
then epilog would you like to hear my
notes oh no they're [ __ ] in a church
again this time it's on their wedding
day the
end
woo huh
wow
huh I'm going have to sit with that one
for a minute and by that I mean sit with
our review of it I don't mean sit down
and read it because I think I wouldn't
recommend it would be too
frustrated yeah yeah and I think part of
it is like I processed all this like
weird Purity culture stuff a long time
ago and so reading it is
like
yes but also I really don't like the
like push and pull stuff I'm like [ __ ]
or get off the pot like you know yes I
which is a personal preference I think
the push and pull there are sometimes
where I don't mind it but I do think
when you're like mix mixing in religious
bargaining it
feels less fun to me personally mhm
um prayer beads altars Purity ropes
what's our rating
system himnos
pianos not a tabernacle pianos are are
pretty big they're pretty big they're
888 piano keys 88 okay yeah so out of 88
piano keys that he [ __ ] her
on what out of 88 is our final
[Music]
store [ __ ]
man okay
oh like
25 okay I'm trying to be really nice I
really hated it so
[Laughter]
much and that's okay you're allowed to
hate it I am allowed to hate it what I
did
appreciate
was like uh it was clear that there was
some understanding of like the actual
BDSM lifestyle in it that I didn't fully
touch on but like he took good care of
her he was clear about
consent he made sure that she was safe
like those things were good I
appreciated that I really liked Millie I
didn't get how like absolutely sassy she
was but it was very
enjoyable
um you know but also
like there was really no plot like the
relationship being a secret was the plot
yeah the push and pull of yeah their
relationship won't we mhm and you're
like well clearly the book's about y'all
so I have a feeling you probably will
right yeah yeah yeah um because even
Sterling in the end was not a bad
guy he was
like I mean he was but he also wasn't
Tyler went to see him and he was
like Sterling was like can understand
that she's her own
person she said no I've let her go he's
like I mean I followed her until I knew
where she was but I did Chase her for
several years but I haven't I haven't
had a pi on her in about 6
months
progress yeah what a weird metric we're
using for which characters are good in
this book because you're like well
comparatively I guess none of them are
it's Millie and Julian who is the
Confessor those are the only two that
I'm like y'all are all
right into it so 25 out of 88 piano keys
yep is our final offer mhm let us know
how many piano keys you would choose cuz
I I do feel like this is a book that's
like picked up a lot of momentum because
people have very different experiences
so I feel like some people like have
really loved it and I feel like there
are some people who landmor the you and
I camp where we're like huh they were
insufferable and it probably touched on
our personal [ __ ] a little too much to
like want to put up with how sufferable
they are well and like I could see for
somebody else that it could be kind of
like empowering to read or like
cathartic to read in some way but like
that was definitely not my experience
so
yeah yeah the holy oil I was like okay
because at some point it just felt like
the religious artifacts were being
involved strictly for like a shock value
and it it didn't actually add to the
story and I was
like okay unless the prayer candle in
your ass kills a
nun I don't want it not into it all
right 25 out of 88 let us know how many
you would rate it don't forget to like
subscribe share with your friends um
every review truly does help and please
also send us your recommendations we
love to have them we love to read them
we sometimes love to [ __ ]
on thank you for coming on this journey
as well cuz I feel
like it was
one it was indeed a journey see youall
next time mut [ __ ] bye SM
puppies well that's it for this week's
mut [ __ ] we hope it was good for you
cuz it sure was great for us if you're
digging what we're doing it would mean a
lot if you'd take a minute to rate and
review the show wherever you're
listening right now maybe tell that sexy
someone to lend us an ear we love you we
appreciate you and we'll see you next
week stay spoty
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