foreign
[Music]
ladies and gentlemen
Guys and Dolls and everyone in between
gather round
something real nice to sip on and comfy
to slip on
cause it's time for smut Club
here's your hosts Chelsea and Anna
hey everybody Welcome to smut club I'm
Hannah and I'm Chelsea how are you today
we want to know we too we're curious how
are you yeah just you know we never hear
from you
[Laughter]
we do we do sometimes hear from you and
honestly it's our favorite thing when we
hear from you
and that's how we found this book yes
that is actually how we found the book
that we are reviewing today it's called
under her Authority by LT shade
um
we're just gonna jump in so this one
you're taking the lead and you're the
one who read it yeah you take the lead
you'll have to tell me after if you also
want to read it or if me reading it was
enough for both of us
um just based on that don't make any
decisions okay okay okay no no no you
you don't know yet okay okay okay I mean
I think I know exactly how you're gonna
vote but just don't be judgy you haven't
even heard the review I'm pumping a
break I was judging based on your
judgingness but I will pump the brakes
all right when I was in grad school
um there was like a
a family Fall Festival
and they asked him asked me to be a
judge for the children's costume contest
oh no and I went absolutely I love
judging people
and they thought I was joking and I'm
like no this is really where I thrive
and that's that's some [ __ ] for me to
process through in therapy because
like my mother has straight up said
she's like yes I'm critical it's my
thing so like
I know where I get it from and sometimes
it can be a plus and sometimes my
husband's like
you need to take a deep breath because
everything is fine and you notice all of
the tiny details and everything
um
so yeah the my Baseline is probably
judgier than the average person I would
say
and I'd say we're working through it but
if you can't fix it feature it and
that's why we have a podcast
yes okay so we have the book under her
Authority we open with rose rose she is
young she is super successful she's been
working in Texas for the last several
years um and her fiance Simon
cheated on her with a co-worker
ouch yes so
um things did not end well with her
co-worker or his co-worker her co-worker
yeah
um
things did not end well at her last job
kind of because of how this all blew up
and so she has taken a job as a
marketing director at a startup back in
Charlotte and she's from just outside of
Charlotte North Carolina but she hasn't
been back in eight years
um which more will unfold there but
she's also kind of like yeah I mean like
I have this marketing director title
which is awesome for how young I am and
like maybe I can leverage that for
something else and she's like but it's
at a startup so it kind of feels like it
means less than if it was
is somewhere more established
um and you know I think it depends on
the startup but
she is flying back to North Carolina for
this job like it's not like she left
Texas with things like not going well
but it's not I wouldn't say she left
like disgraced right maybe that's just
me
um we need Rose's Family
there's just like there's so many
Southern stereotypes
um and a lot of like
so many similes and like so many like
I don't know just like you and I have
grown up in the South Hannah and just
like all of those that you're like do
people actually say this [ __ ] or is that
just like how people speak when they
think of someone in the South yeah we
had to a grasshopper and like [ __ ] like
that and you're like right right okay
more nervous than a cat in a room full
of rocking chairs that kind of [ __ ] yeah
jumpier than a virgin at the Prison
Rodeo what
I think that one was from Golden Girls I
was gonna say I haven't I don't recall
that one but
that does sound like Blanche
I I mean I have heard people say [ __ ]
like sweating like a [ __ ] in church yes
definitely I've heard people say that
I told my husband that I think I want my
next tattoo to be a Golden Girls
themed tattoo I thought you were gonna
say something about a [ __ ] in church
and I was like whoa
I was about to make such a mean joke I
was like oh just a picture of your face
and then I was like holy [ __ ] Chelsea
but I felt like you'd appreciate it
I did appreciate it
oh my God
that's amazing
see this is where my judging is it's a
problem it's not a problem I'm crying
but like tears of laughing yes tears of
laughter that was [ __ ] awesome
oh my God okay so you should totally get
a tattoo on my face you should get the
guy who did stevos to do it for you
on um
the on season I think 13 of Ink Master
there was an episode where they could
tattoo anything they wanted and one of
the guys was like I'm gonna tattoo Jimmy
snazz one of the other contestants on
The Show Who's like always wearing these
like funky patterned bell bottom pants
and these like leather tasseled vests
Jimmy snazz has a very specific energy
about him but they were like he's like
yeah I'm doing a Jimmy snez Gremlin
tattoo what something crazy like that
and I was like
I appreciate that they said you could
tattoo anything you want and this man
said challenge [ __ ] accepted like I
will I will yes so we meet Rose's Family
got it very stereotypical Southern very
stereotypical Southern
um she doesn't tell them that things
have ended with her fiance because she's
really embarrassed and so she's just
kind of like
oh yeah I moved back because it's a
great job opportunity and like we're
working things out and like like but
like it doesn't say a word to anyone
um and then we meet her best friend
Olive as well
that is my dog playing with my cat
um
thanks Brandon thanks Brandon and Craig
also for y'all who will have to post a
picture at some point on social media of
our of my pets so that you have some
context
Craig is a six pound
predominantly hairless Devon Rex cat
like he's not
threatening no she's precious he's
precious he likes to perch on my
shoulder and meetings he's like a little
parrot and Brandon is like a 30 pound
pug and
the way Brandon runs from Craig you're
like bro
like I think the problem is Brandon will
like swat at Craig
um and he's just kind of like flailing
when he does it and Craig
has fewer hits but far more accuracy
that makes sense yeah he has a larger
Target in fairness you know that is also
true he does have a larger Target
um
but no like Craig Will likes it like if
like on a couch and if Brandon is
walking Underneath Him He will just like
to the top of his head and then
Brandon's like what happened I don't
what oh Brandon we love Brandon he's we
do such a derp
um so yes we also meet Rose's best
friend Olive
um who's going to be her new roommate
and all of this flirting with Rose's
twin brother Holton
um who's also like a local police
officer
but like it's kind of weird for Rose
because she's like I haven't seen a lot
of them in person for eight years if
they didn't come visit me in Texas
because she has some trauma related to
North Carolina
um
so that night Olive and Rose are like we
gonna go out we gonna have a blast
Oliver's like I bought you this sexy ass
outfit put it on they get ready and they
go out
plan to get laid like that is the
objective
I'm like you know
you're not bullshitting yourself yeah we
know what we're doing here yes
so they go out to this club they're
separated I don't really know what
happens or how they get separated
um but Rose goes up to the bar to get a
drink there's this dude Devin who offers
to buy her one and she's like okay yeah
sure but every time she checks her phone
Simon her ex-fiance keeps calling
and so she's like [ __ ] I guess I like
she just called like five times in a row
I guess I should take this so she tries
to go find a private place to like take
this phone call and enters a private
room that has like a no entry sign so
she goes in this room that has like a do
not enter sign on it or some [ __ ] like
that and walks in on a super hot dude
getting a [ __ ] from a girl girl that
I think might have a blindfold on I
don't remember
it doesn't matter it doesn't really
matter
um she's just standing there then like
watching this scene that she walked in
nice and she's like
he is hot and this is hot and I am
aroused
um
and I like her phone rings again or
something like she makes eye contact
like the dude like is very aware of her
in the room but then the the girl who's
giving him the [ __ ] is like what was
that he's like oh just my phone don't
worry about it
and so then she like takes off
yeah like he sees her but she escapes
um she gets back to the bar feeling
aroused kisses Devin
okay yeah and then but she's like I'd
feel bad sleeping with him since I'd be
thinking of [ __ ] man that's what I'm
calling him because we don't know his
name we just know he's hot and was
getting a [ __ ] so she's like
uh I I can't I couldn't sleep with him
I'd feel guilty about it but then we're
like where's Olive Olive left her for a
booty call
ew yeah like Olive's like I don't need
to find me some strange at the club I
have a booty call that I can go hook up
with is that her brother
maybe maybe not honestly at this point I
don't really know the brother does play
in in the future but at this point I'm
like
I don't know nor did I really care fair
enough yeah that's fair yeah um
but
she doesn't know where Olive's car is
downtown like Olive's like yeah I left
for this booty call take my car I don't
know something like that
there might be details that clarify this
there might not be
um is this user error or is this author
error who can say a little bit of both
um
yeah so she's like I don't know where
her car is and I'm just in like [ __ ]
downtown Charlotte in my little hoochie
mama dress like
yeah downtown Charlotte's not really the
the nicest area last time I was there it
wasn't the safest yeah I'm like I feel
like people are like it's North Carolina
how bad can it be pretty [ __ ] bad
guys yeah I'm like
there's a lot of places that I'm just
honestly most places at night if I don't
know where I am it's a no yeah it's just
not my thing
um so then
hot [ __ ] guy shows up Suddenly and
like sees her wandering I don't whatever
and he's like hey why don't you come to
this bar with me and and she's and then
he's like you're buying his payment for
this show I gave you earlier like
something like baby boy you didn't give
me a show the girl on her knees gave me
a show you were just present
you participated you just stood there
like yes
um but like rose won't tell him her name
and she's like yeah that's not important
you don't need to know this
so they get to the bar and
um [ __ ] man's cousin owns it okay
um and he teaches her how to play eight
ball
I don't know it's like every stereotype
of a man teaching a woman how to play
pool pressing up on her back and yeah
all the innuendos putting her hips oh
yeah all of the building tension all of
the
sliding it into the hole
I don't know
um and she keeps saying like I'm not
gonna sleep with you like this isn't
going anywhere
um but then as they're talking he's
realizing like they have a lot in common
they both work in Creative Marketing and
he's like
no this girl's like super hot and I'm
into her like I know it kind of started
weird but like I think I kind of like
her
um he doesn't tell her his job like his
full job he just kind of says he works
in like the creative industry as well
um but we do learn he's former military
we also learn he's been burned by like a
previous romantic relationship which is
why he just like tends to sleep around
at this point so he can't be hurt again
we're covering a lot of ground here I
feel
that's a lot of information to share I
think well I don't actually know if the
previous relationship thing was
mentioned or that was just like in his
thoughts but we do you do learn like
they have a conversation about him being
former military so if I'm remembering
correctly she like asks about one of his
tattoos
and it was related to a dude that he'd
served overseas with got it um
they end up closing down the bar
together and he helps her find her car
um and then
it asked because this entire time she's
like yeah I'm not gonna sleep with you
I'm not gonna sleep with you and I wanna
I'm gonna flirt and have all these
in your Endo jokes
the cool game but like
so but it goes from like not gonna sleep
with you not gonna sleep with you he
helps her find her car
they end up owning back at his place
nice
um have this like incredible
mind-blowing sex she has four orgasms
get out it
yeah I do love whenever but like when
you're just like I'm like really
really
yeah
I feel like when you pick up strange at
a bar that the chances of it just like
hitting off like that are pretty slim
unless we're having a lot of
communication
well
um I was watching The Tick Tock recently
of like a couple of comedians talking
and
one of them was like yeah like I mean I
can count like
on with my with my hands the number of
times I've gotten a woman off
and the other dude was like what are you
talking like every time and they're like
wait every time and he's like I mean
like not with a hookup but like with the
person that I'm like in a committed
relationship with that I'm married to
like
yes their pleasure matters and then
other guys were like wow
huh Jesus Christ yeah and I was like I
can't tell if you're joking right now
and I'm terrified you're not and I do
think that's one of the hilarious things
about smut is I'm like
there's there's so many orgasms that
just like right you're like
is
I I guess that's why we read it right to
escape to hope that one day we too can
have that many well I mean I guess but
like
it's also just that they don't know each
other like I would believe it more yes
if it was an established relationship
and they knew each other and could
communicate and knew what the other
person liked but otherwise it's like
[ __ ] like no she didn't
no she didn't
it reminds me of you remember
um
How I Met Your Mother the show yeah
um there was that one episode where I
don't remember the context at all but
whatever her name is Lily was like
yeah don't worry about it College Lily
thought those were orgasms like
yeah I remember like that's what I think
of I'm like oh she thought
no that's super valid because that like
I'm like I don't know I feel like until
you end up like in an established
relationship it's always a even if it's
good it's still like a little clumsy
yeah like it's never gonna be like the
best sex of your life no it's with a
one-night stand we're still learning
each other we don't know what the other
person likes and like what they don't
and and yeah like you don't know
so she came four times
yeah so hypothetically wink wink she had
four orgasms
um he wakes up the next morning and
she's gone she left a note that just
said like I had a good time oh he also
like he was calling her PT for peeping
Tom because she never told her her name
so like she may have signed it like had
a good time PT or something like that
um and he's like what no like I really
liked her and I can't believe she left
like this like what the [ __ ] and then
he's like wait is this how women feel
when I do this
yes dumbass yes it is and while he still
doesn't know her name he decides he's
going to track her down because he's
like no I like her I want this I want
her
I want more opportunities and how are we
doing that
well that's the end of the book so who
can say stop I'm totally kidding
um I'm gonna be like well it was enough
Ella
and see the next morning so Rose
actually had to get up early because the
next morning her brother was coming over
before his shift to help her move in all
of her stuff
um so she gets home
she clearly looks like she had fun she
then is in the shower masturbating
thinking about how fun
last night was the four orgasms weren't
enough this is more evidence to my
theory
she thought they were orgasming exactly
um but like while her brothers helping
her move she starts to have like this
like flashbacky moment about the fact
that she like hadn't been back in eight
years
um and we learned that like there's some
sort of trauma stemming from a camp that
she used to go to
um when the dude is now Behind Bars we
don't know all of the details but like
you can kind of start to assume there's
like like a sexual assault or something
of that capacity but like it's not like
fully fleshed out for you at this point
got it
um
but like
her brother and best friend are like
very sensitive to the fact that like
they like see that she's like going into
a slightly darker space and they're well
because she's like looking at her
brother and
I think she's like mid-20s right like
mid to late 20s I don't fully remember
but I'm like okay well if you haven't
been back in eight years like if you
left when you were 18 to go to college
somewhere else
yeah and so her brother I mean that's a
lot of life that your twin has led right
where you're like oh man like I haven't
been here for it I've missed a lot of so
but like I haven't been back because of
all of this stuff and it was too hard
for me and blah blah blah
um
so after that Rose ends up going to
brunch with her friends
honestly her it just felt like some 13
year old girls giggling over some boys
like I was like what
I don't I don't know I love a good day
drinking brunch as much as the next toe
sure but like
is that what all of us sound like and we
just don't realize it I like to think
we're slightly better well I don't know
what do they sound like
like I literally just put they all sound
like they're 13 and annoying
um I mean I don't think that we sound
like that but other people may have
differing opinions
yeah well so her phone rings and it's
Devin from the bar last night calling to
ask her out for dinner that night
um but like when he calls and she
answers because she's like telling her
friends like about like they were like
either she told them or like Olive her
friends know she got laid and they're
like oh like how big was his dick and so
when she picks up the phone her friends
are like cat calling and shouting in the
background like is that big dick from
last night
yeah and I'm like no the answer is no
we're not like that
like that is not us thank you for the
validation no
um
and so she's like what not so like she's
trying to get up and like not be on the
phone in front of them and suddenly his
oh his name is Shane big dick from last
night his name is Shane
Shane is suddenly at the restaurant
uh and awkward well he's like
she's well and she's kind of like how
did you find me and he's like do you not
like the club is like a block like my
cousin's bar is like right there like do
you not recognize that you were in the
same part of town and she's like I don't
know I just moved here I have no [ __ ]
clue and he was driving past on his way
to go hang out with his cousin and like
saw her on the patio and was like it's
fate so he stops
um right
and well there's no there's no stalker
in this one that's uh that's fair I can
appreciate that um I can appreciate the
lack of a stalker although as we
discussed in our previous episode I
don't know that he earns points because
he's not a stalker
you know hmm
if they were actual orgasms and he
showed up
I don't know does that change it
Maybe
well so he essentially is like yeah I
drove past and saw you on the patio and
like had to stop because you snuck out
and I didn't get your name or your
number or anything
um and so he's like come out to my car
so we can talk so they go out to his car
he fingers her
but like takes her underwear
and then it's like you'll get these back
tonight when we go out
and then my notes also say the word
labia is used twice
technically the word labia ends up
getting used like three or four times
and I gotta say it's a boner killer
like there's nothing sexual to me about
the word labia being you like I'm like
there's nothing erratic arousing about
it I'm like
foreign if anything
it automatically douses whatever
bouncing energy fire was building is
dead now so Smokey the Bear has done his
job he doesn't need to be concerned
about a forest fire Smokey the Bear is
just going around Whispering labia
yep
you nailed it yep the new only you can
prevent forest fires
campaign
well and so like rose is like I didn't
move back to my friends I I came back to
like Salvage my career I don't want to
like be like she's like I don't want
this to be a thing with this dude like
I'm I'm not gonna see Shane anymore
so she has agreed to this date with
Devin but then Shane also thinks that
they have a date that night and Rose is
like
I'm not gonna do this for my own mental
health and well-being
no which also further Evidence they
weren't real orgasms
so she said no to Devin or she agreed to
the date she agreed to the date with
Devin and then when Shane was done
fingering her and took her underwear
he's like you'll get these back at our
date tonight
so did she agree to go out with him I
honestly don't remember but in her heart
she didn't I don't know what her words
she said yeah she's like those are not
my favorite underwear thank you and good
night
those were the laundry day I moved this
morning underwear
um we all have those right we really do
am I wearing mine now I was gonna say I
may be wearing mine now actually
um
as she's getting ready for her date with
Devin all of is like really pressuring
her about Shane because she's like what
aren't you into like he seems really
nice he seems sweet you had great sexual
chemistry also apparently
she's
as her doctorate in Sex Therapy I don't
know if that was the actual title maybe
it was like she has her doctorate in
Clinical Psychology and she's a sex
therapist
all of his yeah like her best friend but
I was like in a way that I'm like
as someone who works in the Indigenous
she actually because I don't feel like
she is was kind of how I felt reading it
yeah
um
but as Olive as like kind of putting
this pressure on her about being like
okay but like why don't you want to like
go out with Shane because all these
things seemed great it's like bringing
up some [ __ ] from her assault trauma and
she's just kind of struggling and
um Rose doubles down on like not seeing
Shane again so we cut to Shane Rose has
not communicated this wishing she just
stands Shayna at the restaurant yeah and
he is
to use your wording big mad about it he
is real unhappy
um and he's like is this karma from all
of my man whoring kind of like energy
um I mean probably kiddo well unlike he
like stays there for an hour and he's
like no one makes a fool of me and then
as he's leaving like the hostess
propositions him
and he takes her up on it good for him
you know
she left without he still doesn't know
her name at this point he still does not
know that her name is Rose
yeah
okay kiddo yeah like maybe you shouldn't
be that mad she didn't even give you her
[ __ ] name like how could you expect
that she's gonna show up yeah I'm like
you don't have her name
I don't think you have her number
maybe you have her number and it's under
peeping Tom I don't [ __ ] know but
like
she's clearly trying to put out a vibe
that like yeah she's not into it yeah
although I think she is into it and
she's just like
standing in her own way from her
previous experiences
well I mean she can be into it
physically and not be into it mentally
and emotionally yes very valid
um but I think she may be into mentally
and emotionally as well
maybe maybe not who can say so it's now
roses it's Monday it's Rose's first day
of work we learn her date with Devin was
a disaster he like tried to feel her up
under the table was hitting on the
waitress just like
she's like yeah you know I'm just gonna
focus on work like I'm not I'm gonna
avoid men just gonna focus on work
and
um she's getting a tour of the building
and they're like here's your office
um like it's they wanted to surprise you
with it like whoever's giving the tour
is like oh yeah your office was supposed
to be this nice reveal because they like
made it nice for you or whatever it's
like don't tell anyone I'm like showed
you your office first or what I don't
totally remember
um but she's like in her office filling
out paperwork but no one knows she's
there outside of the person who gave her
this to her
and
as she's sitting there and her like
doors crack she overhears her new boss
talking to an unknown co-worker
the new co-worker is like when the
bosses you just hear him kind of like oh
like
like you hear something about the
unknown co-worker hooking up with
someone last night
um
and
I don't know it's all a little fuzzy
um
and then they start talking about Rose
as the new co-worker
um and then the boss is like yeah she's
the marketing director
um and the unknown co-workers boss
um and the unknown co-worker is like
what the [ __ ] like
I'm not gonna like report to some chick
with big tits because she punched
someone at her last job like no like I'm
just kind of making these comments and
like there's like a lot of like sexist
pushback things like she's my boss and
title only
yeah the line was I'm not gonna work
under some crazy chick who punches her
employees when she has bad cramps
nice yeah and she's just like sitting
there listening to all of this oh
um and she's like
I that's not what happened that's not
the context but apparently everyone here
already knows like I'm just I want to
salvage my career and her new boss
totally vouches for and is like that's
not what happened don't be a dick don't
say that
um and you don't have to like the
decision but you do have to deal with it
and she is your new boss so
suck it yeah suck it
um so then Rose goes to the conference
room to meet the executive team and
surprise the unknown co-worker who was
like saying like I don't want to work
for some chick who had bad cramps is
Shane oh what no one's not coming no oh
my oh my stars and so like Shane is like
oh my gosh and Rose just straight up
pretends she's never met him
I love that for her yeah she just like
during the introductions she's just like
oh no we've never met my name is Rose or
like
her full name is like Rosemary
or something like that and she's like
it's I go by Rose like some and he's
like I finally know her name
too bad you're a douche
a little a little bit
but do two is actually super into her so
he is oh well then it's okay he's
working through his own [ __ ] they both
have [ __ ] that they're working all right
all right
I will trust you
Hannah you work out a residential
treatment center and your husband
thought you were a patient the first day
he did yeah he did oh memories memories
love six years ago things can Prevail
they can yes but he wasn't a sexist
douchebag
he just you right he saw a random girl
walking and assumed she was a patient
because she didn't have an employee
badge
did you have purple hair then no okay I
have purple hair now I have purple hair
now
hey there's my puppies
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thank you
well yeah and honestly like I'm
when I read that and I was like if I
read that I wouldn't like Shane either
no like not cool not okay
um does he end up kind of redeeming
himself sure but like
made it a rocky start we also learn
um
a little bit further on that like
well she has been put in this role of
Shane's boss
Shane is like a co-founder of the
company
what like he like put in a bunch of
funds and like started but like they
were like no we need her for like
whatever so
like yeah it didn't fully make sense to
me if I'm being honest but it was one of
those where I was like you know I'd feel
a little salty if I was the co-founder
of a company and then someone was like
this girl's your new boss
and I'm like what like
I don't know it doesn't excuse the
douche comments right
um but it makes more sense why he's not
yes but more open to having a boss yes
so there's a little bit more context to
it um Shane is then in a meeting and
he's just like super distracted because
he's like I finally know her name and so
he goes to Rose's office and like
excuses himself from this meeting that
he's distracted and really like not
helpful at all
um things start to escalate he like
pushes her up on her desk and like
pushes her like back down like on her
back on her desk and like things are
like starting to get sexual and then her
boss knocks on the door and calls a
meeting
um and so she's like yeah I'll be right
there and then Shane's phone rings a
minute later because it's like oh now
his lunch and he's like oh yeah no I was
at lunch I'll be right up
um for the same meeting that they are
now going to which word yes
um and so then in this meeting there's
this really big pitch that they're doing
soon for this like huge client that
would like be a huge win for the company
and Rose starts piss like pitching it or
what she wants to do and Shane just like
is like shutting it down and like you
know like kind of think he's just like
being an [ __ ]
um and
then he's she's kind of like I mean like
what do you know and then you find out
he used to work for the other company so
he actually did have knowledge and he's
like no like that won't work that won't
be late like they want more and she's
like well I've been doing research and
blah blah blah and he's like well I
worked for him so let me tell you it's
not gonna be enough
um but they have five months to work on
this pitch for this presentation that is
a long time to be working on a pitch
I think
I felt that way I've never pitched a
project of that size though me either
Vance you're sitting in the room is five
months a long time to work on a project
pitch it's just the pitch not the
project itself
okay long but not totally implausible
God it sounds like my prom night hey yo
got it so a major major project which
that
sounds like it is supposed to be
um
but
Rose is also like if I can nail this
pitch
then I can leverage it and I can leave
this company like it I just came here to
kind of Salvage my career
so Flash Forward it's now like four
weeks later Shane is real sexually
frustrated like he's real into her he's
seemingly keeping his dick in his pants
since he boned the hostess the night
that roasted him up
um and he's real frustrated and he's at
his like at his cousin's bar for like
two hours in the middle of the work day
just like playing pool very like
frustratedly is that
a word I don't know but I'll give it to
you
okay in a frustrated manner yes he was
playing pool in a fresh and a sexually
frustrated manner
how does never mind I was gonna say like
how does one play pool in a sexually
frustrated manner but I think I answered
my own question in my mind as I was
asking it so I'm good well I also if I'm
remembering correctly like
his cousin like says Rose's name and
Shane's like how did you what and he's
like you've been mumbling under your
breath for two hours dude like
wait we we see you're frustrated
um and like rose calls him and is like
you need to get back to work like where
the hell are you and so he's like oh
fine like my boss is calling me so when
he gets back to the office they're like
where's Rose and they're like oh yeah
she left like 10 minutes ago to like go
grab lunch or something so she wasn't
even there when he got back
um that makes me like rose even more if
I'm honest well so then
Shane is like I want to rile her up and
get a reaction out of her so he takes
her panties that he still has and hangs
them on her office door on the outside
the outside of her office door oh my God
yeah so then Rose when she gets back to
the office is all kinds of pissed and
goes to his office to confront him
um they almost kiss and then her phone
rings and like breaks the spell
um and if I'm I think it was like Olive
saying that like she needed to get back
to the house or something so like rose
gets home
and all of his like yeah we I was trying
to call you several times Simon is here
like you're
ex-fiance that your family thinks you're
still with is here he's out at your
family's place we need to go oh no yes
so they drive out to her family's place
and it's honestly weird to me because
Simon's not there to get her back
Simon what is he doing checking on her
because he hasn't heard from her at all
um but like he says some like shitty
things because he's upset that he hasn't
heard from her and that he still cares
for her even though they broke up but
like kind of like
like he said something that was like
like I haven't loved you since like the
second time we [ __ ] or like something
like that we're like he was essentially
saying she was always pretty checked out
of the relationship so like what
relationship was it
um like the way he said it and just like
communicated it was shitty but I'm also
like Texas to North Carolina is a really
long what like I'm like you're not
trying to just to check on her right
because she wasn't answering her phone I
mean and if he knows her family to be
able to to go out there to their home
why wouldn't you just like text her
brother or call her dad like why go all
the way out there physically yeah
so he starts saying some shitty things
Colton her twin just goes up punches
Simon straight in the face good for him
um but then like Holton is really pissed
that
Rose didn't tell him that her and Simon
broke up
um and then he like makes a comment
about like he's like we like we all get
that you needed to leave after your
assault but like
like we still want to be a part of your
life kind of like confrontation
um but we learn
in this exchange that she was assaulted
by like they said a guidance counselor
but it was also like a camp counselor
and I was like I never got a guidance
camp counselor or a camp guidance
counselor well I find that people often
use the word counselor very
interchangeably
so maybe it was a camp counselor I got
more of the camp counselor energy yeah
because they kept saying like Camp until
they said guidance counselor and I'm
like wait what who
um so she was assaulted by a camp
counselor guidance guidance camp
counselor
um a camp guidance counselor an
authority figure yes and an authority
figure
um but then when she was at the ER she
lied and said she like didn't remember
who it was
um but within a few months later he
assaulted another girl who didn't
survive
and she died and passed away and so Rose
has all of this guilt that if she had
spoken up and stepped forward that this
other girl would still be alive
so Rose has all of this like
self-imposed pressure and weight that
she's like I need to live for both of us
like I need to live this great life
makeup for that fact
um
like Holton storms off Simon leaves rose
has a breakdown in her mom's arms and
it's like I didn't want to disappoint
you guys and like
because this isn't part of the plan to
live a great life for me and this other
girl yes
um but then Rose goes to like find
Holton and apologize and hears him with
olive like catches them canoodling his
hand is under her skirt something like
that like
and we love a good canoodle we love we
love a good canoodle
um and then Holton tells rose that he is
in love with olive and he has been for
like a long time and like they had been
seeing each other then Olive had gone to
like visit Rose in Texas or something
like that and then came back and like
called it off like I can't do this like
I can't lie to like something of that
capacity so then Rose is pissed that he
lied because she's like you just got on
me for telling you for not telling you
my fiance and I broke up but then like
you've been in love with my best friend
and like
decided not to tell me yes
um so Rose is super upset and she is
like I need to get the [ __ ] out of here
but olive was the one who drove us out
here and I don't want to get in the car
with olive right now either so she calls
Shane
and is like
can you come get me
does is Uber not a thing
I mean it's pretty like apparent I don't
know I didn't recognize a city name I
don't know if I don't know wherever it
was seemed like it was more rural
like it was like an hour and a half or
like two hours outside of Charlotte okay
so that would have been a big yeah big
Uber but it's also a big thing to ask a
co-worker that you [ __ ] and then blew
off
that you've like had this budding
friendship tent sexual tension yeah
that's a big favor to ask
yes person but okay so she calls him
yeah she calls him
um and Shane like here's how out of sort
she is when she calls us like he like
drops everything to go and pick her up
um
he pulls the car over at her request
um I'm like they start like she starts
like making out with him and Shane is
like
hey
let's put
pause on this
um you were not in a great place
I'm not trying to take advantage of you
like I want to be here for you but like
crying women aren't my thing
I don't know that was my wording not
like it seemed like he was actually
trying to be sweet and genuine and be
like right trying to be a gentleman
about it yes like she's clearly not in a
good space I'm not going to take
advantage of that right um more than
crying I'm not into crying women that's
just me being an [ __ ]
um
so she he's like what do you need and
she's like can I stay in your guest room
for the night like I don't want to go
back to my place because she lives with
olive
um and so he's like yeah absolutely so
she gets back to his place
um she tells him everything like tells
him about her assault tells him about
[ __ ] with Simon tells him about
Colton and Olive being in love with each
other or at least her brother's in love
with her
um that's so much to tell a co-worker
I I think they're trying to get out of
co-worker energy and into romantically
interested energy it still has so much
to tell someone that you're romantically
interested in that you blew off on a
date and [ __ ] once
you're right I'm like I'm concerned
about our emotional boundaries
I'm concerned about more than that
um and then he tells her
about his abuse
um I think his his dad was really
abusive he has some family back down in
Georgia
um and he kind of like made it out but
like he doesn't go like he's close with
his like siblings I think um
they have a pillow fight
like a light-hearted pillow okay
right yeah why wouldn't they what a
segue
um then they kind of they stay up all
night talking
um and she falls asleep in his bed
um and he wakes up to like she's having
like
a like a nightmare nightmares like
flailing crying and so he like sues her
back to sleep
um but then like he doesn't go back to
sleep until like the sun is creeping up
because he's like is trying to make sure
that she's okay
um well that's nice right
so the next morning Rose wakes up
they're all cuddled up
um
she starts like fondling his chest a
little bit while they're like cuddled up
so they didn't bang that night no okay
okay they just like just the pillow
fight and they had like an emotional
breakthrough talk
um learned a lot more about each other
stayed up all night talking and just
like fell asleep talking
yeah and had a pillow fight important
um she's fondling his chest the next
morning I put he wakes up and keeps the
sensual cuddle Vibes going
so we're just continuing to fill each
other up a little bit yeah
um but then once again I think he's like
yesterday was a lot so he kind of
suddenly pulls back and he's like let's
get you ready to have breakfast with
your brother like I think he's trying to
be a gentleman but like she's kind of
confused by she's like wait what okay
um so Shane drops her off for breakfast
meets her brother kisses her forehead
goodbye is just like
being a stand-up dude why did you make
that face that kissing like forehead
kisses are cute I'm getting they are but
like
I could see how she would be like oh
I told him about all this trauma and
stuff and then he kissed my forehead and
like stopped me from the sensual cuddle
sash like
oh like he's not into me because I'm too
much well he also kissed her like he met
her brother and was like it was in front
of her brother that he like oh it was in
front of her but he met her brother then
like kissed her forehead as he was like
leaving okay I got it I got it I missed
that bit I was like oh but no in front
of her brother that's cute I was like
why do you look I'm like oh like I was
like what did I miss and then I'm like
wait I'm the one who read the book
you are and thank you for explaining
that to me further I appreciate it
anytime
um so she has breakfast with Holton they
kind of clear the air he asks for her
blessing with olive
um because he's like Olive won't
Olive won't say yes to dating me if like
she thinks it could be a wedge between
y'all so like I really love her I've
loved her for a long time
what can we work out here right kind of
yeah
so
um now it's been several months that
have gone by they are still working on
this really big pitch
um we also learned that the guy that
they are doing this really big pitch to
who used to work with Shane recently had
very public issues with his partner
um who co-owns the company or something
of that capacity go business partner and
romantic Partners yes but it will also
kind of impact how the pitches are
judged
um because it's going to change who's on
the panel for the pitches got it um
while they're working on the pitch Shane
gets Rose to take a break
and there he like he's very outdoorsy
and they have like a ton of space and
their office warehouse space whatever so
he like
teach it reminds slash re-teaches her
how to ride a bike I know everyone's
like it's like riding a bike but I'm
like this [ __ ] needed some reminders so
fun fact do you know how to ride a bike
I don't so I don't want to ride bike the
look on my husband's face right now I
just like looked over and he's like go
on he said just like Snapped up so I
just never learned I never learned how
to ride a bike
um my mom fell on a bike with my older
sister when my older sister was an
infant she had her like in one of those
little carrier things and fell
and after that refused to ride and then
my dad's work schedule was really weird
um he worked in entertainment and so he
wasn't around a ton
during the day or on the weekends and so
I just never learned my mom refused to
teach me my dad wasn't around so like
I never learned so
my cousin
started dating this guy I am one of the
youngest of all of the cousins
um so most of them are significantly
older than me my dad is the youngest of
five okay
um significantly and then had kids a lot
later than them anyway so
um one of them brought home a guy
um super super sweet guy and he found
out when I was 15 on our family reunion
vacation
um that I I didn't know how to ride a
bike so he rented a bike specifically to
teach me like he was so distraught that
I didn't know how to ride a bike he made
a point of teaching me how
so he did he taught me on the beach when
I was 15 how to ride a bike so I could
go on a straight line and I was at the
beach at my family reunion this past
weekend and I was talking to my cousin
and she was like do you remember that
time that my husband taught you how to
ride a bike like that was when I knew
that I was going to marry him I was also
like oh they ended up together I love
them they did they did it that is a that
is a sweet like oh I knew it was when he
was like went above and beyond I'm
pretty sure that was the trip that he
proposed to her on as well
um I think I mean you're gonna make a
great impression of the family unless
you break a bone
right you know but regardless he was
very very sweet taught me how to ride
and she was like do you remember that
like literally this was like
six days ago she was like do you
remember that I was like I do remember
that I have never gotten on a bike since
then please don't tell Paul that
like please don't tell him please don't
tell him and she was like I would never
please also don't tell him and I was
like deal she was like you did such a
good job though going in a straight line
I was like I did and when I tried to
turn I almost died but I didn't tell
Paul that and so
I don't I don't know that was like
16 years ago potentially a few more do
you have any interest
in relearning none whatsoever Fair none
whatsoever well I also feel like you're
like it really hasn't impacted my life
at all not in the least I've not missed
out on anything like and you know but
you know
yeah so
I hope Paul doesn't listen to this
shout out to Paul honestly I really my
favorite part of this story is that like
Paul ended up marrying into the family
and that it was like and he was really
sweet I was like yeah I think was I a
flower girl I don't remember you would
have been an older flower girl I don't
remember
no they were younger
or I was younger when they got married I
was younger when they got married
yeah were they married when he taught
you to ride the bike at 15 they must
have been
because I was definitely younger okay
15 feels
a little old to be a flower girl no no
now that I think about it I think they
had been married a long time I was like
I'd go actually
but wait she just told you six days ago
that that was when she knew
I thought that was what she said that's
not what she said
I'm trying to think it doesn't matter
ultimately they did wind up together he
was very sweet to me anyway
he taught me he did teach me how to make
a lot of desserts
he's very nice that's not the point of
any of this so what happened next we
love Paul
honestly I do love Paul I feel like like
most Paws I know kind of have that
energy he's a really good guy yeah yeah
um so Rose is being taught or re-taught
how to like ride a bike whatever and so
she's going around the office just
riding a bike and she's like in the
office
that's what I said it's a big office
okay
it would have to be pretty big but okay
okay
um
I'm so like Shane is like watching her
with like Pride on his face and he's
like clearly still like very into her
but like nothing has happened this whole
time
um and then Malcolm who's like the big
boss walks in
um and Malcolm and Shane are really good
friends Malcolm and Shane and Shane's
cousin who own the bar all hang out like
every weekend
um and so like Malcolm is like watching
Shane watch rose on the bike and he's
like
you have feelings for her like
and Shane's like what
and Malcolm's like
we need her like we like overextended
ourselves financially to be able to
expand the way we wanted and so like if
we don't land this pitch
we are not going to survive so like
don't [ __ ] this up we need her right
keep your drinking your pants
um he said like if they don't land the
pitch they'll likely start running out
of money in the next year
ouch yeah
yeah so then Shane is like really
conflicted over his feelings for her
because like the more he knows her over
these months the more he likes her
um and then he's like hey like will you
go out
um it was like he's like I have a friend
coming in into town
um would you want to go out to lunch or
dinner with us depending um and he's
like it's not a date because I have a
friend in town who's coming with us so
um
is it not still a date well so then Rose
is having this is just like a quick
aside like rose is having a girls night
with olive she drunk dial Shane at like
2 A.M uh oh and blame and like discloses
to him like blames herself for the other
assault victim's death oh no yeah that's
why oh and like Shane's like please find
a good counselor yes please find a good
one that's where my Shane is like he
doesn't say it I think he might say like
have you tried talking to someone or
something but in his head he's like
she needs a therapist because this is a
lot of weight and pressure that she's
putting on herself to leave this to lead
this perfect life because yeah
um
so the friend who comes into town for
the dinner is Matthew Moreno Matthew
Moreno is the millionaire that they are
doing this big pitch too ah yes
which like Shane doesn't like really
give Rose a heads up for it no it's a
shame and Rose is real nervous kind of
bumbling not her best self Shane gets up
to go to the bathroom and then Matthew
starts asking her like hard hitting
questions like he knows about like she
left her company in Texas not on good
terms
um
and I don't know like the whole scene
was like
my notes I felt like this scene was
supposed to make you feel flustered make
you feel how flustered she was but it
just kind of didn't like
like I got what they were going for with
like what was supposed to be like the
hard-hitting questions and making her
feel uncomfortable and like and like
yeah but I just never felt any of that
tension I just kind of felt like rose
get your [ __ ] together right like
um
I don't know like Shane I think like
over here some of the answers like she's
like getting tearful at the table and
talking about how good of a job she
wants like
it it was not her most professional self
to put it away awkward yeah so on the
limo drive home which Matthew just like
ordered for them because he's extra and
has the money to do it it's apparently a
very big limo because
it's just Shane and Rose in the limo and
they decide to play Marco Polo
oh
what like I've been in I've been in some
party limos yeah and
I wouldn't say any of them were large
enough that I could successfully well I
feel like it's not just the size it's
the shape it's just so it also sounds
like my prom night
no okay but also it's the shade it's not
just the size it's the shape of it also
Hannah was doing these like flight
attendant like hand motions for like the
shape of the limo we're going in a
Direction but like there's going in a
Direction but I'm saying like this and
it's not a wide open space they're not
turns to take it's just the one way
okay so I mean if there's seats on both
sides
and the floor in between them and the
back row
you gotta be real stealthy
and I still don't think it would work
well and honestly she was
she wins the first round the second
round she gets oral sex
oh no
so does that mean she won or she lost
was it a real orgasm or a fake one I
believe it was a real so like
well the first round she he was the one
who was Marco Okay in the second round
she was Marco so her eyes were closed
and he was just like
all up on her
so so
okay
it doesn't I don't know what you want
from me
it doesn't matter I'm trying to figure
out who won but it doesn't matter I
I think you're focusing on the wrong
part
that's what she said
where I was reading somewhere where
someone was like yeah
a lot of oral sex for women for women is
like
that not there or there not uh like
they're not that like too and I'm like
you know it's not wrong
well apparently Shane doesn't have that
problem since he gave her for it orgasms
the first night for orgasms
um yeah Hannah was doing air quotes in
case
um so she gets I was gonna say she gets
the [ __ ] because I don't have it I
just call all oral sex a [ __ ] no
matter who gets it he gets a [ __ ] she
gets a [ __ ] everybody gets a blow job
yeah so
she gets a [ __ ] she gets some oral
sex come at me I don't even care she
gets head yeah
um they get back to Shane's house like
place he confesses his feelings for her
she tells him that she feels the same
way there is a long gratuitous sex scene
um the next morning
Rose is still asleep in his bed he
decides he's gonna get up and go on a
run
while he's out on the Run Matthew calls
him and is like
listen from personal experience you
can't mix business with pleasure it was
very obvious you have feelings for this
girl so
she either needs to be off the pitch and
like you guys need to get rid of her or
you you aren't allowed to pitch because
I'm not gonna like chance my company uh
oh yeah
so
Rose wakes up and is like
we like we confessed our feelings
everything's good we belong that's what
I thought when you were like we
I was thinking of Pat Benatar no okay I
I don't there's not a lot of Pat Benatar
in my
and my catalog that benatar's catalog is
missing from my catalog noted and
understood
you said Pat Benatar I thought Joan Jett
and it almost just spit water across my
table
and honestly I get it
they are very different they are they're
scary I didn't say they were similar
Hannah
I
I didn't say they were the same Oh no
you're right and you're right carry on
um
either way I didn't catch the reference
so it wouldn't matter I think my Joan
Jett catalog is only one song Deep
anyway
so
um yeah but she wakes up kind of like
sunshine and roses and she's like hey
let's we're gonna be a thing now so
I think she goes into his kitchen to
make breakfast she's like wearing his
t-shirt and boxers or something like
that
he gets home
um and like it doesn't seem as though
he's planning on like he's conflicted
but it doesn't really seem like he's
planning on telling her because he's
super into her and like wants to make it
work
um but he's like I need to tell you
something but then like they just kind
of start going at it so he's boning her
up against the wall
when suddenly his like front door opens
oh because his cousin and Malcolm the
boss were like and like we didn't hear
from you and we like we hang out every
Saturday morning and we didn't hear from
you so we came over to check
um and he's like trying to cover her and
then Malcolm is like
is that you Rose and like sees her she's
mortified
um awkward yeah honestly I'm not gonna
lie
I I stopped outlining the book at this
point so I'm about to free ball the rest
of this review do it okay do it I
apologize LT shade honestly I apologize
for a lot of this review but
um yeah I'm free balling this last bit
so we're just gonna like she's mortified
um it also is like she's like I can't
show my face and
she um it I think it's disclosed that
like Matt like what Matthew said about
like her needing to be off the case and
so she like is planning on quitting the
job and it's like this whole and she's
super emotional and I don't fully
remember how it plays out but she like
gets Matthew on the phone
but then like once again I'm like girl
no you are not professional because
she's like this is about what happened
in Texas isn't it like you don't want
someone as emotional as me and he's like
what that this is not what was happening
here
um but like once she gets a little less
sloppy and messy to that end she kind of
like
puts him in his place and like gives him
something to think about but she's
taking time away from the office like
Malcolm hasn't fired her
um but then
Shane is also on a leave because he's
like I just need to go clear my head get
some space
um
she finds out I think she like goes to
the office to resign or something like
that and then
girl that can be an email
well she would also have to clear out
her office okay okay fair enough fair
enough maybe we're filling it in we're
freeballing it we have no [ __ ] clue
um so then like they find out that like
Matthew changed his mind they can
ultimately make the pitch because
whatever she said kind of swayed him she
realizes that like she really cares
about Shane that she like wants to be
with him so she goes out to Shane's Lake
House or wherever he was
um and it cuts to Shane and Shane was
kind of like
never planning on letting her go was
just like trying to be respectful and
give her space
um and he's like yeah I mean I knew like
when she like she took the job as a
stepping stone for her career so like
I'm not gonna hold that against her
um but
she means a lot to me she's really
making a difference in her company I
want her to stay
um they she shows up they resolve things
they make the pitch they win the pitch
he proposes
you Matthew and his partner are back
together
the end
okay
yeah I feel confident in how I ended
that book
you sound confident about how you ended
that so
um what's our rating skill here like how
many pitches
[ __ ] are too abstract
how many bicycles how many bicycles
orgasms with quotations
um how many orgasms how many orgasms
eight balls
no because that's a different thing
how many people how many pool tables how
many
let's go how many Marco polos Marco
polos the person or the game
the Explorer
I don't know why but I just had like a
vision of like a superhero with like
their arm out like
with an MP or like Dora the Explorer
that's what we're talking about we're
talking about Marco
um
let's go bicycles okay it feels like the
safest option it does
um
how many bicycles girl I don't know I
didn't read that no I mean like as like
that it can be out of just choose an
arbitrary number
nine
three
oh far
four I mean three is fine with me three
in one unicycle
yeah yeah
um if we're just going with the number
of tires
out of 18. so like seven out of 18 tires
okay we had a situation at work recently
where someone called me and they're like
Chelsea
my client is obsessed with their
ex-boyfriend and slashed 14 of his tires
and I was like girl that math don't work
when I was like how many like the
question to everyone else like how many
cars did he have like did he keep
getting them replaced or did he have was
it three cars and a motorcycle yeah yeah
because if it was three cars on a
motorcycle or if he just kept replacing
tires on the car or did he own two and a
half three and a half cars but also
that's a lot of money to continually
replace tires like that or was it like
were they under warranty at Discount
Tire was there a four-wheeler does the
warranty cover intentional slashings
we could call and ask
I'm not that invested but we're going
with three and one unicycle out of nine
yes
yeah I think
I think seven out of
oh no I have to mess
7 out of 19 tires is that how that works
because if there's nine bicycles and
that's 18 then you have one unicycle
which takes us to 19. so it would be 7
out of 19
tires which would rate that book
I want to do this as a person I feel
like a 30-ish percent yeah 36 point
eight percent I made that up so 37 is
what that's going to round to
um
outside of
the
um
really liberal use of the word labia and
sex scenes how many labias are we
already don't stop
um no labias in our rating
um yeah like I
it's not the worst thing I've ever read
it's well here's my thing and I didn't
read it but
I really struggle with books that make
trauma the central character Arc
of the main female character like I just
get annoyed with that I also feel like
nothing quite hit as hard as it was
supposed to in this book if that makes
sense so we like just missed yeah like
how I kind of described the conversation
with like Matthew where it was like oh
like you're supposed to feel how
flustered she was and I just like
didn't I was just like girl get your
[ __ ] together you want to be this bad
this bad boss [ __ ] and you're just like
a crying mess
like
I don't know that's kind of how I felt
about like all of it just felt like it
like almost didn't quite get there for
me
um right and I think if it did like if a
couple things hit a little harder I may
have enjoyed it more but I think it just
like
it was just a little too far off the
mark for me right
well and I also it seems like
based on what you described Shane was
not all that likable
I found him in like outside of the I
think that also felt weird right because
like he made those like sexist
chauvinistic comments like it felt like
his Arc was supposed to be this like
reformed bad boy when he found this girl
that he was like actually really into
but then like I feel like the way it
came off was just like
he was like super douchey and then we
just kind of stopped paying attention to
the douchiness and then like like oh but
he has these other qualities too because
I'm like yeah it's not either or it can
be both and right you can have really
douchey moments and have these at like I
don't know I feel like that was another
like his art kind of missed for me
because you're like yeah he was set up
to be this like Playboy douche and it
just never really felt
like I think the it was supposed to be
redeemed
when he went and picked her up and they
had their like big heart to heart and he
like right wasn't taking advantage of
her when she was in an emotionally
vulnerable space but like
right again so we're giving someone
credit for being a decent human being
it's like
yeah yeah no I feel you I feel you so
three and a half
out of nine yeah I feel good about that
that's our final offer what are y'all's
thoughts read it for yourself decide and
report back you don't have to go with
our rating scale because honestly a lot
of the times I can't do the math for our
rating skills so much like we've said
before this is very much
um Whose Line Is It Anyway
the rules are made up and the points
don't matter so you tell us what you
think and what your thoughts are maybe
we will adjust our opinions but we
appreciate you going on this journey
with us and my favorite line ever of
the rules were made up and the points
don't matter just like the other guy in
wham
um still to this day my favorite quote
from Whose Line Is It Anyway I was like
that joke is so hard
ouch
so on that note go listen to Wham I was
gonna say go listen to some Wham and hit
us up next time thanks y'all have a good
day [ __ ] puppies bye
well that's it for this week's mud [ __ ]
we hope it was good for you cause it
sure was great for us if you're digging
what we're doing it would mean a lot if
you'd take a minute to rate and review
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now
maybe tell that sexy someone to Linda
senir
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we'll see you next week
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[Music]