Show Notes
Tyler is a ball of energy and has a ton of wisdom to shore through struggles in his marriage and life. A "normal guy" in many way which makes him approachable but very abnormal in the way he approaches life and the energy that he brings. Find Tyler on twitter (
https://twitter.com/tyromper)
Where to find Tyler:Transcription below (May contain typo's...):
Tyler: [
00:00:00] [
00:00:00] I want to be that crusher at work. You want to get your I've done, but you also want to come home and be alive. And I, I talk to my wife all the time. I want to infuse energy when I've walked through the door, I don't want to bring work home.
I want to be that dad that's in there now we're wrestling, we're throwing each other around. We're playing, it's much needed, man. it's so important.
Mike: [
00:00:17] I think there is such a thing people miss out on when they're not intentionally immersing themselves in their kids' world.
getting down 'em and just like totally being all about it. Like I'm talking like the character, like they're like getting in on it and it's yeah. I think that's a serious thing because it's about being mentally present, but it's you've got to, it's not just turning your phone off.
It's actually getting in and saying I'm going to actually be engaged with you and it's totally on her level.
Tyler: [
00:00:46] Yeah. 100%, man. I agree with you. And they notice, right? Like you're, my daughter can notice, if I'm not present, if I'm not there or if I'm really like last night, we took her to the park and I just had this little thing.
I don't know where popped into my head, where I said, I'm a [
00:01:00] robot. To hug you. That's just, I'm just like chasing her around being a robot. Like she's running, we're screaming, I'm hugging her, and it just, it was the best hour of my life, but you can't do that if you're not present, if you're not really intentional about it, So 100% agree with you, man. How old are yours, Mike?
Mike: [
00:01:16] So my oldest is nine. And then, so it's nine, seven. four and two, and then we get number five coming effective.
Tyler: [
00:01:24] That's right. That's you're good. We're going to have five, man. You never sleep, right?
Mike: [
00:01:31] No, it's like part of it gets a little easier.
The old, like the more kids you have because they play so well together. it's a lot harder in a lot of ways, but it's like the kids play well together. And, they get out of that higher maintenance stage, after they're like, four plus, like they're doing more stuff, they're more autonomous and it's great.
I love it, man.
Tyler: [
00:01:52] Nothing better, man. That's Fred that said
Mike: [
00:01:55] we're done at five, but I don't
Tyler: [
00:01:56] know. you're, you've got a basketball team. Why not just go for a [
00:02:00] baseball team? Great.
Mike: [
00:02:01] I will say that, a man is blessed and having, having a children's like having arrows in a quiver, in the equivalent of a warrior or something to that.
The fact, and I Googled what a quiver arrows isn't it's 10. And I was like, I don't know about that.
Tyler: [
00:02:19] It's all right for your wife, but there's your answer,
Mike: [
00:02:21] fortunately she's the one that's wanting, would want more kids and probably I would, but anyways.
Tyler: [
00:02:25] Yeah, man. Awesome. Hey
Mike: [
00:02:26] Tom, I want to say thanks for being on Tyler.
Todd tote. Sorry on the podcast here, dude. I, we first met on Twitter. because you are like a cosmic beam of energy man of positivity. And I just love everything that you do. And this is your message. And so I just want to say thank you for one for just totally amping me up every time I see a post from you.
Tyler: [
00:02:49] Thank you so much, man. It's honored to be on here too. I've watched a couple of other podcasts and you're a guy that I love interacting with too, man. I think we got the kids thing. We got the faith thing. We got the hard work thing. We got the positivity. [
00:03:00] So it's, you're a man that I just love interacting with Mike and it's, I'm honored to be here.
I'm humbled to beyond man. So thank you so much. I appreciate it.
Mike: [
00:03:07] Awesome, man. Hey, I wanted you to tell your story a little bit. I know you were like, you were a professional poker player for a little while. Yeah, I know you also had, have gone through some struggles in your past and your marriage and in your parenting and some of that stuff, and that's shaped who you are and the positivity you bring.
And I would love to hear that story for one. The other thing I'm going to throw at you, cause I didn't tell you before this podcast, I love, you're always posting these videos. Are you doing these workouts at this like outdoor gym? And I have this, I was wondering. Do you about resources around just for dads to do workouts like that with it that maybe don't have a gym membership.
Maybe that's they just have a pull up bar and like they're doing pushups and they're doing running. They're doing, maybe they got a pull up bar and a jump rope. I would love to get your thoughts on that. What's your routine people can do. And maybe we encourage some dads to. Yeah, it's
[
00:04:00] The first thing man is I love Twitter so much too, man. And we've connected through there, but I was depressed the first week Corona hit. Like I was really getting back into the gym and going strong and feeling great and having all this energy then Corona hits and it closes right. And I'm like, what do I do now?
And then I just found, I think, I'm Jack Colson on Twitter as well, and he's a really big body weight guy, JT, Jerry ticks. There's another guy. So I just started following these guys and these guys are beasts, and the cool thing about Twitter is they'll interact with you. they'll just talk to you, you can ask specific questions and they'll holler back at you.
And man, I learned so much the best $27 I've ever spent was on Jack Colson's ebook. And I got a whole list of workouts, body, weight, workouts, and so Yemen, you don't need any equipment. That's the cool thing. Like I have a pull up bar. and that I'm in the best shape of my life right now. And it takes 35, 45 minutes, four or five days a week.
And that's it, So if you're a dad and you think, man, I don't have time. Cause there's a lot of times I still don't go to the gym probably four days a week. Do the body weight workouts. You're at home, just in my garage. Or we got a couple of walk down where [
00:05:00] there's pull up bars and cool. Places do it outside, but yeah, I'm just doing little circuits, man, where I'm doing high knees, I'm doing planks, I'm doing pull ups.
I'm doing, just creating little circuits that I do that man after 40 minutes of that. And just my energy level goes from here to here and I'm ready to conquer the day,
Mike: [
00:05:16] I'm big on like involving your kids in the workouts too. I'm not working the videos you've seen, but those are my favorite.
Mike: [
00:05:26] I think it's cause it's kinda like we're doing this. you're making a decision. That's part of it and that's what I've seen with you. It's yeah, I don't have time or I need to do this. It's I tell my kids, I'm like, no, we're going for a run. Get on your bike. I'm throwing the young ins in the jogging stroller, the older two around their bike.
It's this is not, it's not a question. It's a statement.
Mike: [
00:05:42] And it's showing that, Hey, we're devoted to fitness. I'm not going to push them to mind bike 20 miles. I'm not saying that, Hey, we gotta do this. We're doing this. And,
Mike: [
00:05:51] Tyler every single time they might whine, but like we get down the road and they're there.
They're having a ball and stuff. It's
Tyler: [
00:05:58] and it's the most amazing thing that [
00:06:00] you're so right, man. That's 100% true. And my daughter, when I started doing the circuits in the garage, I posted a bunch of videos and pictures. Dude, we go out there at least a couple of times a week. Now she picks the music.
So we got Shakira on there. We got whoever it is, call me. Maybe I work out to that all the time. Cause that's her favorite song, but you were out there together, she's doing planks. Sh daddy, look at me, look what I can do. I see daddy doing burpees. I can do burpees. it's just amazing to be able to give that gift, Yeah. And it's something my parents established into me and my dad. That's really big into fitness that at 63, he's still running 10, 12 miles. He's still lifting every other day. He's biking, So he gave me that gift, and I feel as a man and a leader of your family, you need to be able, that's true.
Priority one. everybody wants their children to be healthy. No parent would say, Oh, I hope my kid ends up. Really overweight and unhealthy with a lot of disease. Yeah. Nobody wants that. So it's on us to pass that on, and it's amazing. It's like you said, The funniest thing is, I've been walking barefoot a lot.
I've been doing this now for a couple of weeks back
[
00:07:00] from work, and we usually eat dinner as a family. We share wins, and then we go for a family walk, Just a couple miles around the neighborhood. And I just take my shoes off. Nobody's said anything about it for a few days. Now my daughter, just without saying anything, she takes her shoes off, And it's just, that's the thing about being a dad and a parent that I know, is it's the most amazing and gifts your kids are always watching you. They're always looking to you. And so it's one thing to say, Hey, go, do fitness, go do this. It's another to lead by example and to involve them in it and to make it a really fun family thing.
And that's what I tell a lot of people I talked to just make it fun. 10 minutes of you dancing with your kids, doing a fun little workout, dude. They're going to remember that their whole life,
Mike: [
00:07:37] Yeah. And it's a duck, but it's a, the leading by example is a double edged sword. It's if you're not doing that, you're also teaching them that.
Or you're doing things like, say you're always on your phone. It's they're going to want to be on a screen. And it's yeah, you got to have that. I'm not a Nazi about that, but it's like, You gotta be cognizant of that
Tyler: [
00:07:54] 100%. I say all the time, I just, I wake up every day, I'm a routine guy, just do my gratitude journal.
And I [
00:08:00] write before this, I gratitude almost every day. I write that Tinley makes me a better one, man. She does because I'm cognizant of that every single day. And of course I mess up, we all mess up. But it's I know she's looking at what I. Eat the way I talk the way I talked to myself, the way I talked to her, the way I talked to my wife, the way everything, how I talk about my job, do I get to, or do I have to, Tinley, she's watching all these things.
She's old enough now. And so there is some pressure that comes with that, but it's also such a gift in it. I'm grateful for it, man, because she literally makes me better every single day, And that's what fatherhood has done for me. And it's been amazing,
Mike: [
00:08:33] Yeah. So you had two right.
Two girls, right?
Tyler: [
00:08:38] We have one that's our own. And then we have a five week old who, if I look tired, man, it's because I was up till about 1:00 AM last night fostering right now. So we went through fostering and, God willing her mom has given up six children before and has no interest in her.
So we hope to get to adopt her man, but it's an aunt or an uncle or somebody could always pop out of the woodwork, but [
00:09:00] yeah. yeah, that's fostering her right now. So yeah, we love her man.
Mike: [
00:09:04] that's a, that's definitely like a calling something you got to, is it a whole different animal? I have some friends that have fostered even a little bit older kids, that are three, four, even older than that.
And it's that's just a whole nother set of challenges, that you deal with. And. So I applaud your wife.
Tyler: [
00:09:20] My wife is the Saint man, and I just, I married somebody that's a thousand times better than me. She makes me better. And it's when she approached me about fostering a couple of years ago, I said, no chance.
I gave her a hundred reasons why we're not doing it. Ma I'll wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm going to fall in love with this kid and have to give them away no way, no chance. and then I felt God just tugging on me and tugging on me and I. we talked about it. We want to be kingdom givers. and she said, what's the best way we can truly change.
The world is one kid at a time, given one kid a bunch of love at a time. And so she talked me into it. Now I'm all in, man. We're probably gonna end up with 10 kids. Like you, we've already got plans for a second now we've opened up another bed for a second. So that's [
00:10:00] great. Yeah, we're all in on it now, man.
Mike: [
00:10:02] Orphans and widows my man orphans. Yeah,
Tyler: [
00:10:05] that's right man. Hundred percent. That's what we're called to do. I
Mike: [
00:10:08] love it. I love it. tell me a little bit about your story, man. I'd love to hear about some of your journey to get to the point where you're at. it's not always great talking about like failures, but I know you have a lot to share in the way of wisdom in how maybe you didn't do it right in the past.
And that's one of the things I love talking with dads about because. Mostly just from sharing wisdom so that, newer dads can avoid some of those things. and as a way to reflect, to say, Hey, I'm being cognizant of where that might be in creep in the future. So
Tyler: [
00:10:37] I'd say when we, I was pretty into fitness, I was certified trainer back in the day. Then we had our first daughter a little over five years ago. And at the same time, I went back to school full time because I dropped up played professional poker before that done really well. But then we have a family and it's, I don't want to be in Vegas.
when we were living in Illinois, half the year, I'm traveling. So I go back to school. I take a steady job at a bank. [
00:11:00] I get promoted really quick and within a year and a half, I'm running that whole bank. so now I'm working six days a week, I'm working 45 hours a week. On top of going back to school on top of having a newborn and it just crushed me, Yeah. I didn't eat the right things. I didn't, I stopped working out completely for about 14, 15 months. And I did it with this sense of I'm going to be selfless. Like I see my wife struggling with a newborn. I love my daughter Tenley to death, but she was the worst baby in the entire I didn't, I loved her, but I didn't like her for about the first eight or nine, but she just, all she did was scream for about it.
You're nine months now. She's like the easiest kid ever, but male
Mike: [
00:11:40] like that, man, our first was like that he just screamed all the time and it was just like bedtime was like a nightmare. You would like, Oh man, it was like a blur. It's honestly a blur. I feel you on that, man. I feel
Tyler: [
00:11:52] you so much anxiety would be building up because of the second year we bought sleep suits.
We bought this penguin suit that was supposed [
00:12:00] to show she couldn't move her arms. we spent everything we could try and get to get her to sleep and she never slept, man. She just did. She just screamed for. 15 hours a day for eight months,
Mike: [
00:12:09] but it's weird. I'm sure Kelly's like this, like my first one,
Mike: [
00:12:13] he's a totally laid back kid now.
Like it's so strange how you would have, I would have thought he would be different, with that attitude, but it's not like he was like totally different.
Tyler: [
00:12:27] Yeah. She never had terrible twos. She's the most compliant child. Now you can tell her, Hey Tenley, please do this. And it, she doesn't ever talk back.
She's the greatest kid, but yeah, for whatever reason, man, she was a terrible, we tell her all the time. Yeah, you were a terrible baby man. You're the greatest kid ever now, but mommy and daddy didn't sleep. So we were going through that man. And I just, I, trying to be selfless and be good husband.
I thought, it's selfish of me to take an hour a day, so I quit. I didn't do a gratitude journal ever. I didn't do declarations. I didn't, I [
00:13:00] just woke up and tried to help. And then I went to work, really stressed out, and then I ate terrible food at work because I was really stressed out and I never put any time to myself.
Then me and my wife's marriage just really started struggling, man. I hit the rocks. We weren't connecting. It was, did you load the dishwasher? Did you do this? We never set aside time for ourselves just to. To do the things we needed to do to connect. And so I looked at it and a year and a half in man, we're on the brink of divorce at this point, we were sleeping in separate rooms.
It's hard to say looking back, we just, we never took time for ourselves. She didn't, I didn't. And I think we both did it when we started talking about it. She tried to do things that filled me up selflessly, but she never filled herself up first. And I would try and do things for her. Hey, I'm doing the laundry over here.
Why are you yelling at me? they want me to do the laundry. she needed me to be alive and to be able to. Be my best self so that I could pour into her. And so once we hit a little counseling patch and we really got to the bottom of things and we realized that, yeah, if we don't fill [
00:14:00] ourselves up first, then we have nothing to give each other.
And we have nothing to give our child. We have nothing. I was a shell of myself at work, I'm going into work and I'm so drained. I'm eating four donuts a day. I'm just trying to get through the day. And I remember saying this all the time, even in my employees, It's only two o'clock. We just got to get through the day,
Tyler: [
00:14:19] And looking back on that, man, geez. Now I just spring out of bed and I can't wait to tackle this day. we never get this day back. Let's go, it's a gift, but it's such a mindset shift and it starts with the daily routines. And what, how you're. Really speaking life into yourself, but I didn't do that for 18 months.
I didn't lift weights. I didn't, maybe go for a, jog a cup once every couple of weeks or something, but I just never intentionally put that time into myself. I'm so I had nothing to give. I had nothing to give my wife I've, I was still a pretty good dad. Cause I'd just, you can lay Tinley on your chest and watch a football game when she's that old, but I just had nothing to give anybody else.
And so that was the big shift for me, man, is realizing if I can just. It's waking up an hour [
00:15:00] earlier. That's what I do now. I wake up an hour earlier and I put that whole hour into myself. I journal gratitude. I pray, I talk to God and then I work out and then at that point, I've bettered myself.
mentally, physically, and spiritually. And then my girls wake up and they got an on fire dad and a non-fire husband. Who's just ready to tackle the day. But if I wake up and I play on my phone, I'm anxious. I'm, and then the whole day starts, then my daughter needs something.
My little one needs something. My wife needs something. My work needs 50,000 things. Then it's the stress and the anxiety and it's E so to me, it's all about really being intentional and getting up early. And that was, yeah. Whole difference for me that's all that's what did it, and then of course working out, man, you've just got energy, man.
Energy creates energy when you're working out a lot and you're feeling good and you're being healthy, you're putting the right things in your body. you got a lot more energy to play with your kids to be that light at work that can motivate people and feel a lot better,
Mike: [
00:15:52] Yeah. No, I think it's so interesting.
I can relate a hundred percent. I almost made a joke. nah, I've never had that happen before, but
Mike: [
00:16:02] that's right. I, I definitely agree with you. Haven't gone through those like cycle. probably multiple times, but,
Mike: [
00:16:11] how it starts out with good intentions.
Like your strap at your, you're throwing on the Superman Cape. You're like, Hey, I'm going to be the Superman dad and I'm going to sacrifice. And so the intention is good. Yeah. you're you think you're doing the right thing. But it breeds ultimately resentment on both sides,
Mike: [
00:16:29] dangerous like that. It's toxic because that's like a cancer that I think gets in there. And like you said, it gets you to the brink of divorce and then it's then that's a whole nother beast, and I think. Man. Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye. Like I said, I love all the energy you put out and it's interesting to me how people probably watch it and they're like, Oh yeah, he's just got, she's just naturally energetic.
he's just one of those guys and it's right there might be true to that. But I think like you said, energy creates energy and the more you invest in yourself, the more you are excited, the more you have [
00:17:00] that. the spring to give to other people. And man, I can't agree more.
Tyler: [
00:17:05] 100%, man. That was the cool, like takeaway that we took.
When we started by counseling, we went to counseling for maybe six, eight sessions. And our counselor said on day one, she goes, Oh, you can, you guys are going to be easy. She goes, I see this all the time. You're both good people have good intentions. You want to help each other. You're just not doing it the right way.
And she's the one that kind of pointed us towards, you got to fill yourself first, And so now, and this has been another, just thing that I've learned so much on from Twitter, it's fit founder, Dan and
Tyler: [
00:17:33] Yeah. Oh, he keeps on yours.
Tyler: [
00:17:35] look. Oh man, I can't wait to listen.
Oh, this guy has so much wisdom. He has just bettered my marriage so much because Oh, I can't wait to listen to this man. But yeah, he talks a lot about setting goals as a couple and dreaming as a couple and auditing those goals as a couple. And so my wife and I now, man, we hire a sitter. Every single week, we take three to four hours where her and I take a long walk and a swim and we just hang out and we intentionally connect and we talk about what [
00:18:00] fills each other up, how we can do that more, how we can make sure we're getting filled up first, all these things.
And it's made all the difference in a marriage, man. all the things that. We were lacking, that just made such a big difference for us.
Mike: [
00:18:11] Yeah. and some of the stuff that you said where you talked about putting on the, the Superman Cape, and you're trying to do all these things.
The other person almost becomes the focus of your marriage. So one thing that I feel like I'm still learning a lot is not having the kids as the center of your marriage or not even your spouse as the center of your marriage. I think both of us share a common faith with having God as the son of your marriage, but it's kinda like you, the more you focus on those things.
It seems like the worse it gets. If you're focusing on them, primarily if you're saying, no, I want to, and this is a careful, because you don't want to be overly selfish. if you're like, yeah, no, I'm going to train you, bro. The ultra marathon, I'm gonna have to run hours a day. I'm never going to see you.
It's but I'm just doing that well at [
00:19:00] work,
Mike: [
00:19:01] Like you said that the intention is true, but I think that's just where people get off base. Like they, they just neglect that and instead say, Hey, you need to work on yourself because you need to be physically fit. You need to be emotionally fit.
You need to be spiritually fit. Yeah. Or else you're not going to do a darn thing with, to anybody, anyone, anything but destruction. Yep.
Tyler: [
00:19:21] 100%. I know, like I don't, I will ask you this. Cause I noticed when I marriage will get off course for even a couple of days or whatever, I always notice. It always goes back to me, not leading in the way I should.
I'm not leading us in prayer. I'm not, we're not reading scripture together. Like we normally do. We're not watching sermons. We're not, we, you get off course for a couple of days. Yeah. I always notice it when we don't put God actively in the center in our marriage. Nothing makes sense for us, That's our core. That's what we go to. Our marriage is blessed under the one. True God, we say it together all the time. Nothing can shake that cause he's in the middle, And so yeah, whenever we turn away from that for a couple of days, you just get busy, whatever it is I noticed that's when we struggle.
Mike: [
00:19:59] Yeah, [
00:20:00] absolutely. Couldn't agree more. that's, that is a hundred percent true. We pretty much covered everything, man. We solved all the problems.
Tyler: [
00:20:07] the world's at peace, man. You know what I'm going to listen to today when I go work out after this is you and Dan podcast, man, 100%.
I can't wait to listen to that. Dude has so much wisdom.
Mike: [
00:20:18] so tell me a little bit about the marriage counseling aspect. And they talked about, setting goals for yourself or, working on yourself, setting goals a couple, or you talked about some of that. if someone is listening to this and they're at some they're in the spectrum, somewhere of dealing with that craziness, right?
Like they're in that crazy cycle, I think, is someone going that term? And what's the breakout. what's the. What are some of the baby steps that they can do in your mind? reflecting back on some of that craziness to say, is it just calling the counselor? is that, or it's like, what else do you do?
Tyler: [
00:20:53] a couple of big, actionable things is number one, take ownership 100%. So my biggest thing was I would [
00:21:00] blame. my wife just doesn't get me. she doesn't understand me. She doesn't, I look at me, I'm doing all these things and she doesn't get it. She's thinking the same thing, So number one, you always look inward first and my wife and I, now, when we have a disagreement, it's really funny because, and it's I'm so I didn't communicate that well enough, I didn't communicate that. That was important to me enough. So it's cheesy, but over communicate of course, and then take ownership for every part of your marriage.
So if my wife is not. if going and seeing friends is really important to me, she needs me to do this. I need to communicate how important that is to me. Hey, I'm really extroverted. we've been cooped up with COVID for three months. I need to go out and be around 5,000 people because that's who I am.
I need to communicate that in a way to her where. It's out in the open. She knows how important it is to me. And it's on me to do that. I read the book extreme ownership by Jacqueline Willick. That was big in my marriage. I know it's not a marriage book per se, but it really hit me big.
And that was an actual thing for me of, I'm never going to blame her for anything. When our marriage isn't working, I look inward and now she [
00:22:00] does that too. And that's just huge because when we struggle a little bit. now she's reflecting and saying, what can I do better? How can I communicate to Tyler better?
And when, and I'll do the same. And then we come to each other with that mindset and it's so much different. And then the other big thing, man, is for men. This is huge. This was the biggest light bulb for me that I just, I it's changed our marriage a hundred percent and I still fail on it all the time.
I failed three weeks ago, I got a thread coming out on Twitter about it actually.
Tyler: [
00:22:27] yeah, when you get in that little crazy cycle and your wife brings something to you. our first instinct as men is we get defensive. Or we fix it real quick
Mike: [
00:22:36] and there's this really good little hobby that's never happened.
How dare
Tyler: [
00:22:45] is the first instinct of me is just to say really defensive will look what I do for the family. I do all this and I do all that. And how can you come at me with this? She just wants to be heard, and that, to me, this was a light bulb that my counselor told us, there's this really good [
00:23:00] video on YouTube called the nail on the head.
Have you seen that or? Yeah, I've seen
Tyler: [
00:23:04] It's so amazing. What would you put that in there, man? It's so amazing. And it's this wife that comes, she has a big nail in her head and all she wants is for her husband to hear her and empathize with her. and so I started really studying this a lot more when I got this principal.
and if you observe five or six women around each other, Having a conversation, what they will do is the first mom will say, Oh, my daughter is just so hard. She's crying at night. I'm keeping up the dishes. I it's so hard to keep up. Then the next mom will be like, Oh, I know sister, my girl does this.
My son does this. It's so hard. then the next, and they'll go around in a circle. No problems are solved, but they're all heard. All the women are art. If they're validating, they're acknowledging the yeah. Another one I share these problems with you. That's how women tend to share life together. Men, dude, if I got a problem, I said, Hey Mike, I got this problem.
I want to learn how to work out better. What you got for me? Hey Tyler, I got this, I fixed it. I'm good. Hey, thanks brother. Let's go. that's the [
00:24:00] difference between men and women, right? Men are fixers by nature. So when my wife comes to me, I want to give her a fix. Hey do this. You're doing it wrong.
Do this, but that was, that's how I did marriage for the first few years. And now once I've realized she brings something to me, she does not want me to fix it. She does not want me to value. She just wants me to validate it. That's it. She wants to be heard. That's how she shows life with me. And it's also a hack because now instead of us going back and forth for two or three days about this thing, I've listened.
I've validated, I've acknowledged her. And now it's it's checked, it's offered. she knows that I'm there for her. That's how she shares life. And it's we move on to the next thing, where we used to get stuck on these little things for days and weeks and months, because she, all she wanted was for me to validate her and acknowledge that what she's doing, So to me, that was the biggest takeaway for men. If you're listening to that, Don't get defensive. Don't try and fix it. Just acknowledge and validate.
Mike: [
00:24:54] Yeah. Oh man. Yeah. That's a lifelong lesson that you gotta to learn
Mike: [
00:25:01] No, I, a hundred percent I'm with you on that. It's funny that you say that because the start of this podcast, I asked you about, workout tips, to it's I just want to action plan, man.
Just tell me how.
Tyler: [
00:25:12] It's I don't want it. I don't
Mike: [
00:25:13] want you to hear me. I just gave me the three steps, man.
Tyler: [
00:25:17] That's how we do. You ever listen to a group of men? A guy will tell a problem. A couple of guys we'll give them solutions and we go, and that's it. but if you really listen to how women communicate is so different, and it's mind blowing to me because I sit that stresses me out.
I'm like nobody fixed anything, But they don't care about that. They just want to be heard. They want to be validated, Yeah.
Mike: [
00:25:34] that's great, man. No, I think that's a huge piece of advice. that's a fundamental foundational piece of marriage advice that definitely fixes a lot of issues.
Tyler: [
00:25:43] It's huge. It really is, man. It's really huge. Yeah. And then, too, when your marriage is on fire and your marriage is good, it's so much easier to pour into the children when you have that rock first, and you mentioned too. Not putting the kids is everything me and Andy talk about that a lot.
Like our kids are going to be gone [
00:26:00] someday. So it's really me and her and our mission, and we let our kids know that like it's mommy and daddy are going to connect. we're getting a sitter for this week because it's important for mommy and daddy to have that time. laying that out for them.
I want my daughter to be in a great marriage someday, so I want her to lay across that time too. Yeah.
Mike: [
00:26:17] and to realize in that scenario, how much is caught versus taught, like holistically more is caught than taught, but it's like, Listen, your kids are probably gonna have the marriage.
You have to some degree. obviously not a hundred percent, but they're going to learn so much. And one of things, my wife and I talk about is that I don't mean to dog on my parents, but they had a pretty good marriage, but one of things they didn't really do is resolve conflict in front of us. so when I saw them fight, that was always viewed as a hyper negative.
So like early on in our marriage, especially learning how out of fight or how to discuss something and actually work through, it was important to, and I didn't realize this, right? Like that we, it came through us talking I'm like I realized this was never really modeled to me. So it's like my [
00:27:00] parents would have a fight and then they're going to go in the other room or they're going to work it out somewhere else.
So it's always this negative connotation of an argument. But I never see a resolution, so it's Oh, I just want to, I just want to not do that. And by my nature, I'm a, I'm an, a conflict avoidance. Like I just want everyone to like me like my personality. So then that plays into it.
So even unlocking that and saying that's okay. That's just was my experience. So I just have to be cognizant of that, especially when I want to avoid a conflict or, I'm adverse to like working through it or talking through, it's So all that to say, thinking about how, okay, how are we modeling this for our children and what are they seeing?
What are they picking up on here? how am I talking to my wife? How am I loving my wife? How am I serving her? They're going to see it. You don't gotta explain that to them. They see it. You know what I mean,
Tyler: [
00:27:45] man, I can relate to that one. You just, that was like 57 great pieces of nuggets, a number one.
How can anybody not like you, Mike?
Tyler: [
00:27:52] for being in the world, man. But now my parents too, that had a great childhood. Everything was awesome, but they didn't fight in front of us. They sheltered us [
00:28:00] from all that. It was a very negative thing. I remember them not speaking for a couple of days at a time here or there.
You remember that stuff as kids. And so you really always want to be cognizant about that. Everything you said there, man, I'm a hundred percent that, my tendency is to avoid conflict too. That's something I've worked really hard on the last three or four years. And I noticed in a marriage, especially if you avoid it, man, it just gets bigger and bigger.
And then. A few months down the road, you're fighting, but you're not fighting about that one issue. Now you're fighting about 72 issues and you're going back and all these things, and that's why it's so important to deal with things, head on. if you're a good marriage, I think you're having disagreements every now and then, If you're in a passionate marriage, because I was divorced early on, man, we didn't fight for four years until she cheated on the left. we never had one fight. Because I just always said, yes, I had no backbone, we'd never had any conflict, and you need that, we've have some passion in a marriage you need that,
Mike: [
00:28:51] Yeah. And I think that you said, you said it a little bit on your breath, but you don't have a backbone and I think that's an important thing. so as you become. [
00:29:00] A dad. And if you, especially, if you have a wife that stays at home, there's this, foreign yes. To your role, is there, so like like your wife has her domain with kids and she's better at it.
why women are just better at it better, but it's different. They're, they need both of those roles. But in terms of especially zero to two, They're better at that level of care, straight question. I don't think you and I would debate that. I don't think a lot of men would debate that,
Mike: [
00:29:28] that creates an awkwardness where you're just a helper.
And you get into this mode of just saying yes, and I'll just do whatever you say. and that carries over, right? I think to other areas of the marriage, where I think then you start to abdicate your leader role. And not only is that not a good thing for your marriage, I don't think it's a good thing for your, like how attractive you are to your spouse, like
Mike: [
00:29:50] might not like the Bush back, but that's part of, Women love a confident man.
You know what I mean? that's just how that's
Tyler: [
00:29:55] just hardwired into them and
Mike: [
00:29:57] you don't have to be a jerk about it,
Mike: [
00:30:01] It's like a hundred percent. And I think that's not true about enough obviously. Like in today's day and age, that's probably, they wouldn't.
They would say, Oh, equal roles or whatever. But that is to me, we get a whole topic about that, but that's a whole, that's a whole toxic,
Tyler: [
00:30:18] like it's so tonic a hundred percent. And my wife tells me all the time I crave you to lead. she's I make a thousand decisions a day. I don't really want a man who just.
Oh, I don't know. I don't know why you decide, she craves me to leave. She craves when our insist that we're praying together, let's get, Hey, I see you're stressed. I bring her over. Let's get on our knees and pray about it together. He wants me to lead like that, but it's a circle leadership, and my wife knows I'm the first one?
Just say, dude, I dropped out of college to play poker. She's got a PhD from Purdue. Like my wife is a baller, she's smart. I learned from her all the time, but still I need to lead my family. And and she wants me to lead my family in certain ways. But you said that it creeps over with a little one, and even you mentioned in that now I realize [
00:31:00] I'm learning.
I need to be a little more cognizant of that too, because zero to two, man, I'm just trying to keep them alive. I'd have to hold them like this. Do I do this? Do I don't know what to do? Oh, it's really fun being that dad, when they do older, you just play. It's awesome. but when they're really young, yeah.
You're kinda, you have to ask your wife what to do a lot. so you can't really let that creep over. that's a light bulb for me right there. That's something I'm a journal about probably right after. Yeah. That's a good takeaway, man.
Mike: [
00:31:23] Yeah. It's interesting. Like my dynamic, I'm the youngest of four.
My wife's the oldest of eight. So we have that kind of going against us to some degree in the sense that she is. And she's a very like. I wouldn't say strong-willed cause there's a lot of negative connotations as a strong woman, she's an amazing woman, but it's like, she's the oldest. So she's naturally, bent towards the one that's Hey, I'm taking responsibility, I'm stepping up, I'm leading.
And I'm like, I'm the baby of the family. I wasn't spoiled by any means, but it's like, there's a natural birth order. there's implications of birth order that not naturally go against, some of the things
Tyler: [
00:31:57] a hundred percent. I was the baby [
00:32:00] too. I had an older sister and my older sister. I love her man, but she was such a rebel.
She just, she dated the, the guys that probably weren't the best for him. So my parents, by the time I came up, I just, I was pretty compliant. I was the most spoiled kid in the world though. I had a grandma that lived next door that would, I could order them, whatever food I wanted whenever I wanted, she would bring it to me.
Yeah. And my parents spoiled me. It was, so that took a lot, man. And for me to really step up and be a leader, we moved about a year ago. We live back at home for the first few years of marriage. And I realized that was a crutch too. And I think that's a big problem in marriage that a lot of people don't talk about is we both live near our parents.
And so sometimes when we had conflict. That would seep in, I would, it I'm ashamed to even say this man, looking back, this is so terrible, but I would, Oh mom, I, here's what happened, and then of course your parents love you. They're going to take your side. Oh, she, your Annie just needs to do that.
And, looking back, gosh, I cringe when I say stuff like that, our marriage needs to be. Us, and it, for us to move away now, that's made a big difference. And I do miss my parents on a certain [
00:33:00] level. We still talk all the time. We're close, but I've let them know since then that it was not healthy, what we did.
And I sent a long email to our family about eight or nine months ago saying you're out, I love you guys. And we'll talk about these things, but these things are off limits because as a man in my marriage, I need to make sure this stuff stays in it, and it's just for me and my wife, there's a bunch of things that are just for me and my wife,
Mike: [
00:33:21] Yeah. No, I think that the
Tyler: [
00:33:23] in law thing is tough to navigate sometimes.
Mike: [
00:33:25] Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. And I think it's a, obviously both of us are a little ways away from, but like thinking about, okay, what's how are we going to equip our kids and be sent to that? And
Mike: [
00:33:37] I can't even imagine that right now, the onus is on you to raise your children, to be, have good discernment for who they're choosing as a spouse.
because my wife and I agree with this. It's like once they choose and they get married, it's like you have to leave and cleave or clean what I, they like to be leave their parents and be United, as
Mike: [
00:33:59] yeah. And I [
00:34:00] think that. That's scary to think about, to be like, how would they know?
how they know to be able to pick that right person or, you naturally want to help them. And it's you gotta be hands off. And that might be painful. it's the shirts, the exponential version of like them falling off a bike and skin in their knee. It's you realize that you got to take off the training wheels.
They're going to skin their knee. That's fine. I've learned. But it's That happens in marriage. both of us have shared like journey where it didn't go the best, it's you got observed that and you got to not jump in. you can't put the training wheels back on because that's detrimental,
Tyler: [
00:34:31] my wife and I have talked about that a lot.
Actually. I know it's a long way away, but yeah, we've talked about that a lot, that kind of grandparents that we want to be. And again, not to knock off, I have wonderful parents. She has wonderful parents. They've done so much for us and it was our fault. Looking back, I take ownership of it because as being spoiled, I, I live close to my parents.
I would go. Go there and say, we're struggling with this. and again, I cringe when I say stuff like that, but I put the onus on myself for that. It wasn't really my parents trying to pry or trying to get in, but that was just a crutch that we had. and that's a [
00:35:00] big tip that I get people who say we're struggling.
number one, nobody should know a counselor or something is different. Take it to one best friend, a guy who can hear you or something, but your families should not be involved.
Mike: [
00:35:12] Yeah. Yeah. I. A hundred percent agree. cool, man. I, That's I think that wraps it up. I feel like we could talk for a two hours though about it.
Tyler: [
00:35:21] Oh yeah. Again, we'll probably be talking in like a couple, I'll be at the gym and a couple of hours and we'll be tweeting back and forth or something. I'm sure, man. I enjoy all of our interactions, man. It's been fun. I learned from you and just hearing you talk, man, you have a very clear sense of who you are, who you're going to be.
I appreciate that. And I just, that's. My favorite thing about Twitter, man is it's free and I have learned. A freaking thousand things. And I keep learning a thousand things all the time, Amazing.
Mike: [
00:35:48] Thanks, man. I appreciate those kind words, man. And yeah, I'm with you. It's if you use it you can use it wrong, but if you use it it's powerful.
So you up on the show notes, to your Twitter [
00:36:00] profile, but then some of those other resources that you shared, especially the nail in the head video. That's a great one. So thanks for being on, man. I appreciate it.
Tyler: [
00:36:07] Man. It's just a real, it's a blessing honor having me. And I appreciate you and Mike, I, I know we share faith.
We share so much in common, so yeah, anytime and I look forward to chatting with you all the time, brother.